1 00:00:07,009 --> 00:00:09,092 ♪ Save ♪ 2 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,009 ♪ The ♪ 3 00:00:11,009 --> 00:00:13,800 ♪ Right ♪ 4 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,426 [President Trump] It was the summer of 2019. 5 00:00:16,426 --> 00:00:18,343 We conservatives had been forced 6 00:00:18,343 --> 00:00:20,550 to the margins of society. 7 00:00:20,550 --> 00:00:23,384 Why is Facebook censoring conservative bloggers 8 00:00:23,384 --> 00:00:25,218 such as Diamond and Silk? 9 00:00:25,218 --> 00:00:28,176 We barely controlled three branches of government 10 00:00:28,176 --> 00:00:29,800 and could only show our faces 11 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,592 at exclusive luxury beach resorts. 12 00:00:32,592 --> 00:00:34,259 Many by now have heard that I was asked 13 00:00:34,259 --> 00:00:35,675 to leave a restaurant this weekend 14 00:00:35,675 --> 00:00:38,051 where I attempted to have dinner with my family. 15 00:00:38,051 --> 00:00:41,759 But one day, a humble, powerless president 16 00:00:41,759 --> 00:00:45,218 stood up and said, "No more." 17 00:00:45,218 --> 00:00:47,259 ♪♪♪ 18 00:00:47,259 --> 00:00:50,426 Aah! Climate change is a hoax! 19 00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:54,550 ♪♪♪ 20 00:00:54,550 --> 00:00:57,926 This new legislation will assure election integrity 21 00:00:57,926 --> 00:01:01,301 by mandating that all of Atlanta share one ballot 22 00:01:01,301 --> 00:01:03,550 and you can only vote if you just left Clint Eastwood's 23 00:01:03,550 --> 00:01:05,759 latest "white resentment" blockbuster. 24 00:01:05,759 --> 00:01:08,800 And before you accuse me of limiting minority access 25 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,926 to the polls, listen to this cabinet member 26 00:01:10,926 --> 00:01:12,967 I selected for no particular reason. 27 00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:14,176 I'm cool with it. 28 00:01:14,176 --> 00:01:17,384 Oh-kay, Ben, as long as you're cool with it. 29 00:01:17,384 --> 00:01:21,218 And to my supporters, harass anyone who opposes this bill! 30 00:01:21,218 --> 00:01:24,384 Not that anyone will, because Ben said it's fine. 31 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,717 I'm Rachel Maddow, and it's not a manic episode 32 00:01:26,717 --> 00:01:28,343 if it's been going on for three years. 33 00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:30,592 Tonight, we're talking about the President's 34 00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:33,509 new voting-rights bill with Senator Elizabeth Warren. 35 00:01:33,509 --> 00:01:35,717 This law will disproportionately 36 00:01:35,717 --> 00:01:38,092 affect Democrats and minorities like me -- 37 00:01:38,092 --> 00:01:39,384 a-and when I said "me" 38 00:01:39,384 --> 00:01:42,092 I was referring to the Democrat part -- 39 00:01:42,092 --> 00:01:42,926 Oh, shit! 40 00:01:42,926 --> 00:01:44,301 Dad, why are all these people 41 00:01:44,301 --> 00:01:46,842 treating you like a loser inner-city kindergarten teacher? 42 00:01:46,842 --> 00:01:49,009 Boys, you're old enough to know 43 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:52,550 about the deep generational wound America has yet to heal -- 44 00:01:52,550 --> 00:01:54,842 bigotry against conservatives. 45 00:01:54,842 --> 00:01:58,967 I first experienced it in 2011. 46 00:01:58,967 --> 00:02:01,468 [President Trump] I was just trying to keep my head down 47 00:02:01,468 --> 00:02:03,051 and not ruffle feathers. 48 00:02:03,051 --> 00:02:04,842 Barack Obama was born in Kenya, 49 00:02:04,842 --> 00:02:06,842 Mohamed Atta was his college roommate, 50 00:02:06,842 --> 00:02:09,926 and I once talked Michelle out of strangling a bald eagle. 51 00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:12,926 But Obama just couldn't let me live my life. 52 00:02:12,926 --> 00:02:15,592 Uh, as you can see in my long-form birth certificate, 53 00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:16,967 I was born in America, 54 00:02:16,967 --> 00:02:18,717 contrary to Mr. Trump's assertion. 55 00:02:18,717 --> 00:02:20,426 He was merciless. 56 00:02:20,426 --> 00:02:21,967 [President Trump] He made me feel like I was not 57 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,967 a rightful citizen of this country! 58 00:02:23,967 --> 00:02:27,134 But conservatives contribute so much to society. 59 00:02:27,134 --> 00:02:30,884 Arts, sciences, education -- we gutted all that boring shit! 60 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,550 I just wish I showed courage and fought back. 61 00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:36,426 I've regretted it even more than telling that waitress, 62 00:02:36,426 --> 00:02:38,092 "We're all set on breadsticks." 63 00:02:38,092 --> 00:02:41,301 I'm worried. Should I finally move to Wichita 64 00:02:41,301 --> 00:02:44,009 and just open that Halloween costume store? 65 00:02:44,009 --> 00:02:45,800 Yes, yes, absolutely yes. 66 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,967 Your bags are in an idling car outside. 67 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,259 As for the rest of us, 68 00:02:49,259 --> 00:02:52,384 let's pray that tomorrow's a better day. 69 00:02:52,384 --> 00:02:54,717 ♪ Why ♪ 70 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,592 ♪ We ♪ 71 00:02:56,592 --> 00:02:58,759 ♪ Fight ♪ 72 00:02:58,759 --> 00:02:59,842 ♪♪♪ 73 00:02:59,842 --> 00:03:03,259 Good morning, everyone, from New York. 74 00:03:03,259 --> 00:03:06,051 We're learning the news along with you. 75 00:03:06,051 --> 00:03:08,634 Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram 76 00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:11,468 have handed down a week-long suspension 77 00:03:11,468 --> 00:03:13,259 to a dozen conservatives. 78 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,717 -Aah! -And for what? 79 00:03:14,717 --> 00:03:17,634 Simply sending credible death threats to Trump critics. 80 00:03:17,634 --> 00:03:20,550 This is a worse violation of rights than Jim Crow, 81 00:03:20,550 --> 00:03:23,426 which I'm absolutely sure I would have marched against. 82 00:03:23,426 --> 00:03:25,092 One of the suspended accounts 83 00:03:25,092 --> 00:03:27,343 belonged to noted conservative and pundit 84 00:03:27,343 --> 00:03:30,717 who says he's not racist but sure says "Detroit" a lot, 85 00:03:30,717 --> 00:03:32,509 Ben Shapiro, seen here. 86 00:03:32,509 --> 00:03:34,134 Reparations make no sense 87 00:03:34,134 --> 00:03:36,592 since Obama marked the end of racism, full-stop. 88 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,884 Poor people are not entitled to rich people's money, 89 00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:40,134 which they inherited fair and square. 90 00:03:40,134 --> 00:03:43,634 Now, that's a weird, sexless leader I want on my team. 91 00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:46,134 Also suspended -- Donald Trump Jr. 92 00:03:46,134 --> 00:03:48,800 [sobbing] What cruel god would allow this? 93 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,842 I'm just a little kid! 94 00:03:50,842 --> 00:03:52,967 It's only a matter of time before they find out 95 00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:54,343 that I also tweet. 96 00:03:54,343 --> 00:03:56,092 [thunder rumbles] 97 00:03:56,092 --> 00:03:58,218 [President Trump] The left is ferocious! 98 00:03:58,218 --> 00:04:01,218 They won't stop until we show an inkling of self-reflection. 99 00:04:01,218 --> 00:04:02,634 Tell 'em, Ben. 100 00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,509 We must lead conservatives out of the shadows. 101 00:04:04,509 --> 00:04:06,092 We can't even go on a bus anymore 102 00:04:06,092 --> 00:04:08,550 without staring at a Muslim guy and missing our stop! 103 00:04:08,550 --> 00:04:11,176 We must protect our right to chant "MAGA" 104 00:04:11,176 --> 00:04:13,675 on a cross-country flight without harassment. 105 00:04:13,675 --> 00:04:16,967 Everywhere I go, people spit in my face 106 00:04:16,967 --> 00:04:19,717 and handcuff my right wrist to my left ankle, 107 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:23,134 and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a conservative! 108 00:04:23,134 --> 00:04:25,592 I agree with Ben Shapiro, Stephen Miller, and Ted Cruz. 109 00:04:25,592 --> 00:04:27,009 Hold your horses. 110 00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:29,842 Susan Collins is all for taking a stand, 111 00:04:29,842 --> 00:04:33,468 but not if it means facing any consequences. 112 00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:35,176 Gotta say, I agree with Collins. 113 00:04:35,176 --> 00:04:37,343 You can't agree with both sides, Pompeo. 114 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,259 I agree. 115 00:04:38,259 --> 00:04:40,468 But where will the persecution end? 116 00:04:40,468 --> 00:04:42,051 Today, it's our Twitter accounts. 117 00:04:42,051 --> 00:04:44,509 Tomorrow, it's our Yahoo! accounts we only use 118 00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:46,259 for politically incorrect chain letters. 119 00:04:46,259 --> 00:04:48,092 Will we ever laugh again?! 120 00:04:48,092 --> 00:04:49,343 If you ever need a chuckle, 121 00:04:49,343 --> 00:04:51,675 you can always kick Pompeo in the gonads. 122 00:04:51,675 --> 00:04:53,009 That goes for all of you. 123 00:04:53,009 --> 00:04:54,550 Sorry to interject, 124 00:04:54,550 --> 00:04:56,967 but aren't we the most powerful people on the planet? 125 00:04:56,967 --> 00:04:58,509 My name's on the money. 126 00:04:58,509 --> 00:05:02,092 If we're so powerful, how come we're so whiny?! 127 00:05:02,092 --> 00:05:05,009 Mr. President, I support everything you do, 128 00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:06,926 including when you installed a pinball machine 129 00:05:06,926 --> 00:05:08,343 on John McCain's grave, 130 00:05:08,343 --> 00:05:11,218 but how do we overthrow an oppressive system 131 00:05:11,218 --> 00:05:13,759 when our house is divided?! 132 00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:18,176 [all shouting at once] 133 00:05:18,176 --> 00:05:19,550 Shut up! 134 00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,259 If there's one thing we can agree on, 135 00:05:21,259 --> 00:05:23,343 it's we must kick Pompeo's gonads. 136 00:05:23,343 --> 00:05:24,384 -Yeah! -Yes! 137 00:05:24,384 --> 00:05:25,926 Great! Now line up. 138 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,717 ♪♪♪ 139 00:05:27,717 --> 00:05:30,384 [Don Jr.] Just ask Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi 140 00:05:30,384 --> 00:05:32,134 to get my account reinstated! 141 00:05:32,134 --> 00:05:35,842 They're basically tech lobbyists who do politics as a fun hobby. 142 00:05:35,842 --> 00:05:38,218 They won't listen to a conservative like me. 143 00:05:38,218 --> 00:05:39,884 They don't think of me as a person, 144 00:05:39,884 --> 00:05:41,759 especially after I wore ripped shorts 145 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,384 and walked on all fours to mess with them. 146 00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:47,092 Dad, I consider myself an alpha male with rhinoceros skin, 147 00:05:47,092 --> 00:05:49,592 but right now this lil' dinosaur needs some help. 148 00:05:49,592 --> 00:05:51,301 I've never helped anyone, 149 00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:54,218 and I'm not about to lose my H-Card with you. 150 00:05:54,218 --> 00:05:56,301 ♪♪♪ 151 00:05:56,301 --> 00:05:57,592 [Guilfoyle] Why are you so upset? 152 00:05:57,592 --> 00:06:00,842 Is it because you can't harass Parkland kids while we bone? 153 00:06:00,842 --> 00:06:03,384 When you're in your forties and still growing up, 154 00:06:03,384 --> 00:06:05,592 your dad is supposed to be there for you. 155 00:06:05,592 --> 00:06:07,009 Ah, you're getting so emotional! 156 00:06:07,009 --> 00:06:08,717 Are you about to ask me to marry you in an opulent, 157 00:06:08,717 --> 00:06:10,343 Cleopatra-themed wedding this weekend 158 00:06:10,343 --> 00:06:11,592 at the Fontainebleau Miami? 159 00:06:11,592 --> 00:06:13,092 Because I booked it, just in case. 160 00:06:13,092 --> 00:06:14,717 I am not emotional! 161 00:06:14,717 --> 00:06:16,759 I'm just gonna be a big strong man 162 00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:19,759 and ask Chuck and Nancy to fix this problem for me! 163 00:06:19,759 --> 00:06:21,634 My crack is sober -- you know what to do. 164 00:06:21,634 --> 00:06:23,592 One beer down the crack, coming up. 165 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:26,468 [President Trump] The oppression of conservatives 166 00:06:26,468 --> 00:06:28,468 is becoming too much to bear. 167 00:06:28,468 --> 00:06:30,134 Uh, no doy! 168 00:06:30,134 --> 00:06:31,967 After my confirmation hearing, 169 00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:34,592 I couldn't show my face at O'Shittery's Beer Dump 170 00:06:34,592 --> 00:06:36,634 for three whole Thirsty Thursdays! 171 00:06:36,634 --> 00:06:39,301 If only there was a way to throw a big enough tantrum 172 00:06:39,301 --> 00:06:42,592 that this nation gives us what we want just to shut us up. 173 00:06:42,592 --> 00:06:44,926 Oh, but there is... 174 00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:47,759 What's this a photo of -- a bag of congealed oatmeal? 175 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:49,468 It's me havin' a good cry! 176 00:06:49,468 --> 00:06:52,675 Do the same until the tears make such a huge puddle, 177 00:06:52,675 --> 00:06:55,259 it won't be clear if it's tears or pee. 178 00:06:55,259 --> 00:06:56,800 Everyone will be afraid to ask, 179 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,218 so they'll just take whiffs to see if they can smell pee. 180 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:02,717 Once they're sure it's not pee, they'll be so grateful, 181 00:07:02,717 --> 00:07:05,092 you'll get exactly what you want from them. 182 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,343 You're overselling it. I'll do it! 183 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:10,842 This country will finally become a safe space 184 00:07:10,842 --> 00:07:14,009 for everyone who whines about safe spaces. 185 00:07:14,009 --> 00:07:17,967 ♪♪♪ 186 00:07:22,343 --> 00:07:25,967 The doctors say his gonads have a long road ahead for them, 187 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,343 so let's hear some love for Pompeo. 188 00:07:28,343 --> 00:07:29,842 Keep it up, slugger! 189 00:07:29,842 --> 00:07:32,009 Doctor said he's never seen anything like it. 190 00:07:32,009 --> 00:07:34,468 And a heads up that Ben Shapiro and I 191 00:07:34,468 --> 00:07:37,134 are leading a movement for equal rights for conservatives. 192 00:07:37,134 --> 00:07:39,009 [all] Whoa! You're moving too fast! 193 00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:41,009 Society's not ready for this! 194 00:07:41,009 --> 00:07:43,176 For too long, conservatives have been in the shadows, 195 00:07:43,176 --> 00:07:46,634 and it's time to show America that we won't stand for it. 196 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:49,301 Uh, we have all the money and all the power. 197 00:07:49,301 --> 00:07:52,717 The only movement I'm for is to save Pompeo's baby maker. 198 00:07:52,717 --> 00:07:54,842 The doctor said that's not in the cards. 199 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,550 [Shapiro] The stories of oppression 200 00:07:56,550 --> 00:07:57,967 you're about to hear are harrowing. 201 00:07:57,967 --> 00:07:59,384 I hope you didn't eat breakfast. 202 00:07:59,384 --> 00:08:01,634 To be honest, once breakfast is put in front of me, 203 00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:03,800 I kind of black out, and next thing you know, 204 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,717 I have to change my shirt. 205 00:08:05,717 --> 00:08:07,218 I was supposed to speak 206 00:08:07,218 --> 00:08:09,092 at University of California, Berkeley, 207 00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:11,384 about why white people deserve reparations 208 00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:14,759 for all the times we had to feel guilty about being white, 209 00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,426 and I was run off campus! 210 00:08:16,426 --> 00:08:17,926 [both gasp] 211 00:08:17,926 --> 00:08:20,384 YouTube refused to host my videos 212 00:08:20,384 --> 00:08:23,259 just because I said all school shooting victims 213 00:08:23,259 --> 00:08:25,759 were portrayed by Oscar-winning actress Brie Larson 214 00:08:25,759 --> 00:08:27,800 in the performance of a lifetime! 215 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,550 I just wanna hug him. 216 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,967 So, I'm sprintin' down a dark freeway 217 00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:33,884 wearing only what God gave me, 218 00:08:33,884 --> 00:08:37,343 and a legion of bikers is bearin' down on me so close 219 00:08:37,343 --> 00:08:40,468 that their side mirrors are knockin' my funny bones. 220 00:08:40,468 --> 00:08:43,259 One of the angrier fellas who had a toddler 221 00:08:43,259 --> 00:08:46,301 smokin' a cigarette balanced on his handlebars 222 00:08:46,301 --> 00:08:49,218 must've put out a call because, next thing I know, 223 00:08:49,218 --> 00:08:52,926 green glass bottles are rainin' down from the overpass 224 00:08:52,926 --> 00:08:54,926 on every side, and I'm thinking, 225 00:08:54,926 --> 00:08:57,592 "Does this road ever go downhill?!" 226 00:08:57,592 --> 00:09:00,759 Wow! All for being a conservative. 227 00:09:00,759 --> 00:09:02,717 Maybe, but more likely I'd say 228 00:09:02,717 --> 00:09:06,176 any one of the nine things I did that night. 229 00:09:06,176 --> 00:09:08,009 There's a line around the White House 230 00:09:08,009 --> 00:09:09,967 of conservatives ready to complain. 231 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:12,384 How did it get this bad? 232 00:09:12,384 --> 00:09:13,634 [Shapiro] Somewhere along the way, 233 00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:16,259 it became okay to discriminate based on the color 234 00:09:16,259 --> 00:09:18,675 you paint your face at fraternity parties. 235 00:09:18,675 --> 00:09:20,509 ♪♪♪ 236 00:09:20,509 --> 00:09:22,842 [Schumer] Well, would you look at this! 237 00:09:22,842 --> 00:09:25,468 Donald Trump Jr. in my office. 238 00:09:25,468 --> 00:09:28,592 This must be some kind of trick, so I got the twins ready -- 239 00:09:28,592 --> 00:09:30,134 Julian and Joaquin. 240 00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:31,842 I'm not here to wrestle for dominance. 241 00:09:31,842 --> 00:09:33,800 I'm here to ask for help getting my Twitter back 242 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,134 before some kid thinks he can protest climate change 243 00:09:36,134 --> 00:09:39,509 without his sexual orientation being questioned. 244 00:09:39,509 --> 00:09:40,550 Sure. Why not? 245 00:09:40,550 --> 00:09:41,926 Wait. You're just gonna help me? 246 00:09:41,926 --> 00:09:43,759 Whenever my dad does me a favor, 247 00:09:43,759 --> 00:09:46,426 he increases the licensing fee on my own last name. 248 00:09:46,426 --> 00:09:48,009 Sometimes you tweet a picture 249 00:09:48,009 --> 00:09:50,009 of Ocasio-Cortez with devil horns... 250 00:09:50,009 --> 00:09:52,675 [laughing] And we just laugh and laugh... 251 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,384 Well, great seeing you. 252 00:09:54,384 --> 00:09:58,176 Tell your father we have a budget resolution to cave on. 253 00:09:58,176 --> 00:10:00,509 Don, why aren't you leaving? 254 00:10:00,509 --> 00:10:03,384 Sorry. It's just, you guys not treating me like ass... 255 00:10:03,384 --> 00:10:05,926 I'm not used to that kind of parental warmth. 256 00:10:05,926 --> 00:10:08,384 Hey, you guys wanna get ice cream?! Yeah! 257 00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:10,550 Nancy, Chuck, come on! 258 00:10:10,550 --> 00:10:11,550 ♪♪♪ 259 00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:13,343 [Shapiro] One of the most effective tactics 260 00:10:13,343 --> 00:10:16,092 in any civil-rights movement is the non-violent protest 261 00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:18,009 that shocks the nation out of complacency. 262 00:10:18,009 --> 00:10:19,301 That's where you come in, Stevie. 263 00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:21,176 We need you to step onto a liberal campus 264 00:10:21,176 --> 00:10:22,343 and get your ass kicked. 265 00:10:22,343 --> 00:10:24,009 And for your efforts, we offer you -- 266 00:10:24,009 --> 00:10:26,092 Nothing necessary. I live for this. 267 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,426 Good, because that was the offer. 268 00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:28,717 But what if my natural charm 269 00:10:28,717 --> 00:10:31,051 makes Antifa refuse to attack me? 270 00:10:31,051 --> 00:10:32,426 Then just make up a story. 271 00:10:32,426 --> 00:10:34,842 Keep it simple so no one pokes holes in it. 272 00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:37,218 So then the seven-foot art-history major 273 00:10:37,218 --> 00:10:39,301 raised his battle axe and roared, 274 00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:42,550 "Name thyself, conservative who hath dared pass hither!" 275 00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:46,509 I replied, "Lo, I am an innocent carpenter's apprentice 276 00:10:46,509 --> 00:10:49,634 here to spread the good news of common-sense baby caging." 277 00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,343 [groans] A carpenter's apprentice? 278 00:10:51,343 --> 00:10:54,092 As the vape-smoking beast chained me to the rack, 279 00:10:54,092 --> 00:10:56,468 his fellow Antifa begged for my guts 280 00:10:56,468 --> 00:10:57,842 while big-bosomed maidens 281 00:10:57,842 --> 00:11:00,468 cried out for mercy on the handsome stranger. 282 00:11:00,468 --> 00:11:02,009 Damn it. I'm starting to get invested. 283 00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:03,426 How did you get out? Did you use 284 00:11:03,426 --> 00:11:05,301 the sorcerer's gem stone you found in the brook? 285 00:11:05,301 --> 00:11:06,884 A tale for another day! 286 00:11:06,884 --> 00:11:07,884 -Aww. -The point is... 287 00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,301 If people bought it, 288 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:11,218 there should be rioting in the streets. 289 00:11:11,218 --> 00:11:13,592 [insects chirping] Nope. 290 00:11:13,592 --> 00:11:16,301 [chuckles] Whoa! 291 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,134 This thing is great! 292 00:11:18,134 --> 00:11:19,468 My dad never let me ride one 293 00:11:19,468 --> 00:11:22,176 because he could tell I enjoyed it too much. 294 00:11:22,176 --> 00:11:24,926 [chuckles] Whoa! What happened?! 295 00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,426 It's just out of time, buddy. 296 00:11:26,426 --> 00:11:29,301 You can do one more ride, but then Nancy and I 297 00:11:29,301 --> 00:11:31,634 have to go back and run the United States Congress. 298 00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,176 One and then one more? 299 00:11:33,176 --> 00:11:35,384 -Fine. -Yeeeaahhh! 300 00:11:35,384 --> 00:11:38,259 And watch me this time and give me encouragement! 301 00:11:38,259 --> 00:11:39,509 Are you watching? We're watching. 302 00:11:39,509 --> 00:11:40,800 Look here! Oh, yeah! 303 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,176 I think -- I got air! 304 00:11:42,176 --> 00:11:43,592 Sure. You got air. Oh, wow! 305 00:11:43,592 --> 00:11:46,092 [snoring] 306 00:11:46,092 --> 00:11:48,051 Oh, my God. He's sleeping. 307 00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:50,134 Wake up, Don. We're here. 308 00:11:50,134 --> 00:11:52,426 Whoa! Thanks for taking me to Toy Story 4, 309 00:11:52,426 --> 00:11:55,259 and the gummy worms, and picture next to the movie poster. 310 00:11:55,259 --> 00:11:57,967 Don't thank us. You wouldn't stop crying 311 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,343 and rolling on the ground unless we did what you asked. 312 00:12:01,343 --> 00:12:04,134 Well, see you again soon, champ. 313 00:12:05,468 --> 00:12:08,675 -Don. Everything alright? -Yeah. 314 00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:10,717 Why aren't you getting out and going to your home? 315 00:12:10,717 --> 00:12:12,468 I love you guys. Oh, God. 316 00:12:12,468 --> 00:12:14,509 He's imprinted on us like a duck. 317 00:12:14,509 --> 00:12:16,468 We have to keep him, don't we? 318 00:12:16,468 --> 00:12:19,426 I heard that! Quack-quack! [chuckles] 319 00:12:19,426 --> 00:12:22,468 [Shapiro] Nothing's working. We need to take a big swing. 320 00:12:22,468 --> 00:12:24,967 How about an executive order declaring conservatives 321 00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:26,468 are a protected class? Pffff. 322 00:12:26,468 --> 00:12:28,509 The president will never go for it. 323 00:12:28,509 --> 00:12:29,426 What? 324 00:12:29,426 --> 00:12:30,675 He's got too much on his plate -- 325 00:12:30,675 --> 00:12:32,134 immigrants flooding over the border, 326 00:12:32,134 --> 00:12:35,550 economic bubble about to pop -- he doesn't care about us. 327 00:12:35,550 --> 00:12:38,301 -Sir, you must know -- -So let me get this straight -- 328 00:12:38,301 --> 00:12:41,009 you're just gonna waltz into the White House, 329 00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:43,009 ask to see the President, 330 00:12:43,009 --> 00:12:45,259 and then after you're ushered into his office, 331 00:12:45,259 --> 00:12:48,301 he'll say, "Sure, Ben, whatever you want!" 332 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,509 You're a fucking idiot! Are you -- 333 00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:52,384 It's over! It'll never work! 334 00:12:52,384 --> 00:12:55,051 So quit living in your fantasy world! 335 00:12:55,051 --> 00:12:56,509 [breathing heavily] 336 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,509 Sir, did you actually forget you were president? 337 00:12:58,509 --> 00:12:59,926 I remembered in the middle, 338 00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:01,717 but it was too late to turn back. 339 00:13:01,717 --> 00:13:03,842 ♪♪♪ 340 00:13:03,842 --> 00:13:06,134 [camera shutters clicking] 341 00:13:06,134 --> 00:13:10,009 This executive order designates conservatives 342 00:13:10,009 --> 00:13:12,218 as a federally protected class, 343 00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:14,926 affording them such equality measures 344 00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:16,384 as special parking spots 345 00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:20,218 and equal time for a right-wing sketch comedy show. 346 00:13:20,218 --> 00:13:23,051 Hello, there's nothing we can't have! 347 00:13:23,051 --> 00:13:24,468 [Kavanaugh] Shut up, nerd! 348 00:13:24,468 --> 00:13:27,343 Boys, let's head to O'Shittery's! 349 00:13:27,343 --> 00:13:30,259 If anybody looks at us weird, we burn the place down! 350 00:13:30,259 --> 00:13:32,051 This isn't even your branch of government. 351 00:13:32,051 --> 00:13:34,717 You're in the wrong branch! 352 00:13:34,717 --> 00:13:36,218 Okay, you win, psycho. 353 00:13:36,218 --> 00:13:39,759 [announcer] Welcome, all, to the San Francisco Pride Parade. 354 00:13:39,759 --> 00:13:41,092 This is so much more fun 355 00:13:41,092 --> 00:13:43,634 than the "Dads For Family Court Reform" Parade. 356 00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:44,884 And guess what. 357 00:13:44,884 --> 00:13:48,218 I just heard back from our friends at Twitter headquarters. 358 00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:51,509 We got them to lift your week-long suspension! 359 00:13:51,509 --> 00:13:55,218 And it only took seven days. Celebratory selfie! 360 00:13:55,218 --> 00:13:57,550 Say, "I love you and will always be there for you 361 00:13:57,550 --> 00:14:00,468 in a way that no one ever haaaassss!" 362 00:14:00,468 --> 00:14:02,051 Well, you're back on Twitter, 363 00:14:02,051 --> 00:14:04,550 so I guess you don't need us anymore. 364 00:14:04,550 --> 00:14:06,509 Wait, wait! Oh! You haven't met Kimberly yet! 365 00:14:06,509 --> 00:14:09,675 You're gonna love her. She has this hilarious story 366 00:14:09,675 --> 00:14:12,426 about making fun of a cameraman's gross birthmark 367 00:14:12,426 --> 00:14:14,717 and then it turned out to be cancer. 368 00:14:14,717 --> 00:14:16,468 She can tell it better. 369 00:14:16,468 --> 00:14:18,092 [announcer on radio] Tune in to NBC 370 00:14:18,092 --> 00:14:19,675 on Sunday night for the premiere of 371 00:14:19,675 --> 00:14:22,426 "Koch Industries Presents: Sunday Night Live" 372 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:25,592 with host Charlie Kirk and musical guest Rand Paul, 373 00:14:25,592 --> 00:14:27,884 featuring a digital short on Planned Parenthood. 374 00:14:27,884 --> 00:14:29,051 [silly whistle plays] 375 00:14:29,051 --> 00:14:31,259 [laughs] I'm gonna be groggy Monday morning. 376 00:14:31,259 --> 00:14:34,550 [Shapiro humming] 377 00:14:37,092 --> 00:14:38,343 Hey. Good morning. 378 00:14:38,343 --> 00:14:41,176 ♪ suspenseful music plays ♪ 379 00:14:41,176 --> 00:14:42,759 [doorbell rings] 380 00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:45,343 First you go to the gay pride parade with Chuck and Nancy 381 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:46,926 and now we're having dinner with them? 382 00:14:46,926 --> 00:14:50,343 They're a little kooky, but great if you get to know them. 383 00:14:50,343 --> 00:14:52,051 You got a flyaway hair right over your -- 384 00:14:52,051 --> 00:14:54,426 Is this her? Hello, Kimberly. 385 00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:56,550 You're even cuter than Don said you were! 386 00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:59,092 Nancy, take the lamb out of the oven! They're here! 387 00:14:59,092 --> 00:15:00,301 [Pelosi] Ahh. What?! 388 00:15:00,301 --> 00:15:02,800 They're here! Lamb! Now! 389 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,134 So, then Steny Hoyer says to Dick Durbin, 390 00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:07,009 "Why are you wearing flip-flops?" 391 00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:09,550 [laughter] Ahh... 392 00:15:09,550 --> 00:15:12,926 So, Don tells us you're a conservative firebrand. 393 00:15:12,926 --> 00:15:14,343 Is that fun? 394 00:15:14,343 --> 00:15:16,800 It's the best. I trigger so many liberals. 395 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,384 Oh, but long-term, she wants to be an archaeologist. 396 00:15:20,384 --> 00:15:22,051 What? I don't even know what that is. 397 00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:23,550 I don't either. Just go with it. 398 00:15:23,550 --> 00:15:26,468 It's fine. Let's just talk about something else. 399 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:30,384 [soft piano music playing, silverware clinking] 400 00:15:30,384 --> 00:15:31,509 [clears throat] Need some wine. 401 00:15:31,509 --> 00:15:33,176 [clears throat] Need some lamb in my... 402 00:15:33,176 --> 00:15:36,134 Ohh! Uh, did you see Don at the gay pride parade? 403 00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:39,675 I did! Wow! I haven't seen him that happy 404 00:15:39,675 --> 00:15:42,384 since he blew that silverback's head off at two yards. 405 00:15:42,384 --> 00:15:44,176 And did he tell you that, next weekend, 406 00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:46,009 we're gonna go see glaciers melting? 407 00:15:46,009 --> 00:15:47,384 Oh, the same weekend 408 00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:50,259 as my best friend Katelyn's gender-reveal party 409 00:15:50,259 --> 00:15:52,343 where they're gonna stuff a grenade in the cake? 410 00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:54,967 We can just skip it and go to the birth. 411 00:15:56,009 --> 00:15:58,426 I thought you were just getting your Twitter account reinstated, 412 00:15:58,426 --> 00:16:00,384 not becoming Al Gore! 413 00:16:00,384 --> 00:16:02,259 My relationship with Mom and D-- 414 00:16:02,259 --> 00:16:04,218 Nancy and Chuck isn't political! 415 00:16:04,218 --> 00:16:06,259 We're just developing an emotional connection 416 00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:07,759 as we defend the nurse's union 417 00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:11,259 and lock arms with the victims of Standing Rock. Oh, shit! 418 00:16:11,259 --> 00:16:14,884 This is not the selfish brat I courted to advance my career! 419 00:16:14,884 --> 00:16:16,468 I'm still a selfish brat. 420 00:16:16,468 --> 00:16:19,009 Uh, I'll go steal a package off someone's porch right now! 421 00:16:19,009 --> 00:16:20,884 As hot as that sounds, I'm over it. 422 00:16:20,884 --> 00:16:22,634 Good luck getting Chuck and Nancy 423 00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:25,259 to pour beer down your crack. 424 00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:29,009 [indistinct shouting] 425 00:16:29,009 --> 00:16:32,218 ♪♪♪ 426 00:16:32,218 --> 00:16:35,675 Why is everyone mad at someone who isn't Pompeo? 427 00:16:35,675 --> 00:16:37,800 I'll start. Earlier today, I was minding my own business, 428 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,592 and someone said, "Good morning." 429 00:16:39,592 --> 00:16:40,884 [all gasp] 430 00:16:40,884 --> 00:16:44,218 I'm fine, but I just keep thinking about what he meant. 431 00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:46,717 "Good morning, you sad, pathetic weakling 432 00:16:46,717 --> 00:16:49,176 who couldn't even get the teachers to eat lunch with him. 433 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,301 You speak really quickly and confidently, 434 00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:55,259 but deep down you know you're 100% full of shit!" 435 00:16:55,259 --> 00:16:56,800 Everyone thinks that because we elected 436 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,842 one conservative president, we finally gained equality, 437 00:16:59,842 --> 00:17:01,218 and that damn executive order 438 00:17:01,218 --> 00:17:03,343 just gave them even more cover to hold us down! 439 00:17:03,343 --> 00:17:06,592 We should've listened to Susan Collins and done nothing. 440 00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:09,092 Sure, we were only rich and powerful, 441 00:17:09,092 --> 00:17:10,842 but at least we were happy. 442 00:17:10,842 --> 00:17:14,426 Wrong! We need a public demonstration so big and bold 443 00:17:14,426 --> 00:17:16,592 that it shifts the entire cultural paradigm. 444 00:17:16,592 --> 00:17:18,717 -I'm talking a million... -Wow! 445 00:17:18,717 --> 00:17:20,259 -...man... -That's me! 446 00:17:20,259 --> 00:17:21,967 -...march! -I'm out! 447 00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:25,218 So this cause isn't important enough for you to walk?! 448 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:26,759 I'm all for equal rights, 449 00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:28,842 but not if it makes my hammies sore. 450 00:17:28,842 --> 00:17:32,800 And to think I believed in you... 451 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,717 Would it make you feel better if you kicked me in the gonads? 452 00:17:35,717 --> 00:17:36,717 Yeah. 453 00:17:36,717 --> 00:17:39,634 I'd now like to introduce 454 00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,884 Senate bill 2-9-4-3 -- 455 00:17:41,884 --> 00:17:44,343 [Don Jr.] Hey! Thanks a lot, Chuck! 456 00:17:44,343 --> 00:17:46,009 There's my boy! Nancy and I thought 457 00:17:46,009 --> 00:17:48,176 dinner with Kimberly was a real home run. 458 00:17:48,176 --> 00:17:52,301 More like a loose bat into the singing hot-dog guy's throat! 459 00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:54,592 Kimberly broke up with me! [all gasp] 460 00:17:54,592 --> 00:17:57,426 To be honest, Nancy and I thought that girl was bad news. 461 00:17:57,426 --> 00:17:58,800 We found condoms in her purse. 462 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,218 Ugh! I'm sick of you always trying to control me! 463 00:18:02,218 --> 00:18:05,301 I'm not gonna go to law school, get married, 464 00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,134 and become some uptight senator! 465 00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:09,134 Don, I've known you for maybe eight days. 466 00:18:09,134 --> 00:18:11,343 Are we going to vote on the bill? 467 00:18:11,343 --> 00:18:13,634 I can't wait to vote "present." 468 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,967 Don't ever ask Chuck and Nancy for help 469 00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:19,509 because you'll let them into your heart and they'll break it! 470 00:18:19,509 --> 00:18:21,134 [sniffles] I cede my time! 471 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,176 That's not how this works, Don. 472 00:18:23,176 --> 00:18:25,343 [Don Jr.] Fuck you! Present! 473 00:18:25,343 --> 00:18:28,051 What's your glitch, Shapiro? 474 00:18:28,051 --> 00:18:30,426 In 2016, I wasn't sure a nihilistic game-show host 475 00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:31,675 accused of numerous sex crimes 476 00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:33,967 should be the leader of the conservative movement. 477 00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:36,259 But then you were elected president, and I realized, 478 00:18:36,259 --> 00:18:38,301 "Supporting him boosts my website's traffic." 479 00:18:38,301 --> 00:18:40,800 But I was wrong. You don't care about conservatism. 480 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,509 You just care about you! 481 00:18:42,509 --> 00:18:45,176 Obviously, I don't care about conservatism! 482 00:18:45,176 --> 00:18:48,343 I just asked someone which party has the best racist jokes 483 00:18:48,343 --> 00:18:49,842 and said, "I'm that!" 484 00:18:49,842 --> 00:18:52,926 And guess what! I'm not telling you any of them! 485 00:18:52,926 --> 00:18:54,384 [Shapiro] Go to hell! 486 00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:58,051 Ever since I told that waitress to stop bringing breadsticks, 487 00:18:58,051 --> 00:18:59,592 I've been living in it! 488 00:18:59,592 --> 00:19:01,717 [Shapiro] What are you talking about?! 489 00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:04,051 [laughter] 490 00:19:04,051 --> 00:19:06,675 [announcer] Live from the Charles Krauthammer Theater, 491 00:19:06,675 --> 00:19:08,717 it's "Sunday Night Live"! 492 00:19:08,717 --> 00:19:11,717 And here's your host, Mike Pompeo! 493 00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,675 They asked Pompeo and not me? 494 00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:17,301 I'm here to throw you in jail 495 00:19:17,301 --> 00:19:19,426 for calling someone the wrong pronoun. 496 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:20,675 [laughter] 497 00:19:20,675 --> 00:19:23,384 This is only gonna normalize Pompeo. 498 00:19:23,384 --> 00:19:27,384 So if you were, like, my dad, what kind of stuff would we do? 499 00:19:27,384 --> 00:19:28,884 Of course. Uh, we'd go to the movies! 500 00:19:28,884 --> 00:19:30,176 Ooh, that sounds fun. 501 00:19:30,176 --> 00:19:32,343 Yeah, there's this little underground theater 502 00:19:32,343 --> 00:19:34,675 in a cement basement on 11th Avenue, 503 00:19:34,675 --> 00:19:36,675 and the movies they show there, 504 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,759 there's so much blood and depravity, 505 00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:40,384 I don't know how they snuck them out of Dresden. 506 00:19:40,384 --> 00:19:42,259 Any other bonding activities? 507 00:19:42,259 --> 00:19:44,884 Ever been on a police ride-along when they turn off the cameras? 508 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,218 Ha! You will walk away with so many secrets. 509 00:19:47,218 --> 00:19:49,092 Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work. 510 00:19:49,092 --> 00:19:50,926 Look, if it changes your mind, I'll take you to a ball game. 511 00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:53,092 I got this luxury box at Yankee Stadium 512 00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,926 that's entirely bricked off -- no one can see in or out. 513 00:19:55,926 --> 00:19:58,176 Got an over-caffeinated 12-year-old bartender... 514 00:19:58,176 --> 00:20:00,468 Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work. 515 00:20:00,468 --> 00:20:02,051 [saxophone playing] 516 00:20:02,051 --> 00:20:04,675 [Pompeo] Thanks for watching "Sunday Night Live." 517 00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:07,426 Thank you, Tomi Lahren, Dinesh D'Souza, 518 00:20:07,426 --> 00:20:10,218 Jacob Wohl, Diamond, Silk... 519 00:20:10,218 --> 00:20:11,426 [cellphone rings] 520 00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:13,259 ...uh, Michael Flynn, uh, Michael Flynn Jr... 521 00:20:13,259 --> 00:20:14,926 Yeah, that might be Stephen Miller. 522 00:20:14,926 --> 00:20:17,800 Are all the nurses pretending they're on lunch break? 523 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,509 Yep, that's him. [Pompeo] Good night. 524 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:20,717 [monitor beeping] 525 00:20:20,717 --> 00:20:24,092 Oh, my God. Stevie. What happened? 526 00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:26,134 Were you attacked just for what you believe? 527 00:20:26,134 --> 00:20:29,675 Sort of. I was sitting in a conservatives-only seat 528 00:20:29,675 --> 00:20:31,634 at the movie theater, and someone told me 529 00:20:31,634 --> 00:20:33,509 to move my big head a little. 530 00:20:33,509 --> 00:20:36,509 It hurt my feelings so bad, I called 911. 531 00:20:36,509 --> 00:20:39,759 [coughing] I'm not sure how much longer I have 532 00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:42,134 because the doctor refuses to examine me. 533 00:20:42,134 --> 00:20:44,218 Stevie, Stevie. 534 00:20:44,218 --> 00:20:46,634 You're gonna make it, God damn it! 535 00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:48,926 If you can survive every roommate you've ever had 536 00:20:48,926 --> 00:20:50,800 "accidentally" leaving the stove on, 537 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,675 you can survive this. 538 00:20:52,675 --> 00:20:55,384 I've got to go now, Mr. Trump, 539 00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:59,426 but next time conservatives are getting made fun of real bad, 540 00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:02,176 tell them my story. 541 00:21:02,176 --> 00:21:04,926 B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... What kind of god would 542 00:21:04,926 --> 00:21:07,675 B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... let a man be made fun of?! 543 00:21:07,675 --> 00:21:09,468 E-e-e-ee -- [inhales] It should be me lying there! 544 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,509 B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... It looks so comfortable! 545 00:21:11,509 --> 00:21:14,343 B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... Why is this loser in my bed?! 546 00:21:14,343 --> 00:21:16,759 B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... I want the bed! 547 00:21:16,759 --> 00:21:20,426 [carnival music playing] 548 00:21:20,426 --> 00:21:23,842 Shit! Why did I only get $800 in quarters? 549 00:21:23,842 --> 00:21:26,218 [coin clinking] Whoa! Uh, huh? 550 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,176 Thanks, Kimberly. You -- 551 00:21:28,176 --> 00:21:30,176 I didn't see you at Fontainebleau. 552 00:21:30,176 --> 00:21:31,717 Sorry about that. 553 00:21:31,717 --> 00:21:34,800 Hey, do you think maybe I was working through some stuff 554 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,842 when I had Chuck and Nancy re-birth me 555 00:21:36,842 --> 00:21:39,092 using couch cushions as the birth canal? 556 00:21:39,092 --> 00:21:42,009 Don, when you let people in like Chuck and Nancy, 557 00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,842 you allow them to change who you are. 558 00:21:43,842 --> 00:21:45,592 Next thing you know, you're acting like a baby 559 00:21:45,592 --> 00:21:47,092 instead of the tough strong man 560 00:21:47,092 --> 00:21:49,343 who made two koalas play Russian Roulette. 561 00:21:49,343 --> 00:21:52,051 Yeah, I miss that guy. Me too. 562 00:21:52,051 --> 00:21:54,176 And that guy can let me in, 563 00:21:54,176 --> 00:21:56,218 and I'll never try to change him, 564 00:21:56,218 --> 00:21:59,550 even if his every decision is a transparent cry for help. 565 00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:02,717 Cool. Now let's pour some beer in my crack. 566 00:22:02,717 --> 00:22:07,259 No, Don, let's pour some beer in our cracks. 567 00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:10,051 ♪♪♪ 568 00:22:10,051 --> 00:22:11,426 [Shapiro] How's he doing? 569 00:22:11,426 --> 00:22:14,051 It was a close call, but he's gonna be okay. 570 00:22:14,051 --> 00:22:16,009 Well, I better go. I got my Sunday Night Live 571 00:22:16,009 --> 00:22:18,051 audition in the morning, and I still haven't nailed 572 00:22:18,051 --> 00:22:20,218 Michelle Obama's accent. 573 00:22:20,218 --> 00:22:22,800 Ben. We can't let this happen again. 574 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,384 Next time, it could be someone 575 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:27,092 who has more than zero contacts in his phone. 576 00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:29,592 But you were right. It's over. The liberals won. 577 00:22:29,592 --> 00:22:32,259 MSNBC is like the Fox News of TV. 578 00:22:32,259 --> 00:22:34,509 I thought I heard something about a march. 579 00:22:34,509 --> 00:22:36,842 You think that's something the president would be into? 580 00:22:36,842 --> 00:22:38,926 -Did you forget again? -I did. 581 00:22:38,926 --> 00:22:41,134 ♪ Why ♪ 582 00:22:41,134 --> 00:22:43,092 ♪ We ♪ 583 00:22:43,092 --> 00:22:44,967 ♪ Fight ♪ 584 00:22:44,967 --> 00:22:47,384 [Shapiro] This is why we fight! 585 00:22:47,384 --> 00:22:49,426 ♪ Save ♪ 586 00:22:49,426 --> 00:22:51,717 ♪ The right ♪ 587 00:22:51,717 --> 00:22:53,509 [Jones] We have got to save the right! 588 00:22:53,509 --> 00:22:55,092 [all talking] 589 00:22:55,092 --> 00:22:57,842 [President Trump] Tomorrow, millions of conservatives 590 00:22:57,842 --> 00:22:59,259 are coming here to march, 591 00:22:59,259 --> 00:23:01,092 and I can't think of one thing to tell them 592 00:23:01,092 --> 00:23:03,343 other than I forgot to get Port-a-Potties. 593 00:23:03,343 --> 00:23:07,176 Just tell them that, some day, we will achieve true equality 594 00:23:07,176 --> 00:23:09,343 and be able to wear a Confederate flag unitard 595 00:23:09,343 --> 00:23:11,634 to SoulCycle. 596 00:23:11,634 --> 00:23:15,967 ♪ What do we stand for? ♪ 597 00:23:15,967 --> 00:23:18,468 ♪ Why do we fight? ♪ 598 00:23:18,468 --> 00:23:20,592 ♪♪♪ 599 00:23:20,592 --> 00:23:22,926 ♪ To protect the lives ♪ 600 00:23:22,926 --> 00:23:27,926 ♪ Of rich men who are white ♪ 601 00:23:27,926 --> 00:23:31,800 ♪ So Rush Limbaugh ♪ 602 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:36,259 ♪ Can sleep sound at night ♪ 603 00:23:36,259 --> 00:23:40,675 ♪ And we are never held accountable ♪ 604 00:23:40,675 --> 00:23:43,926 ♪ For a joke we made in front of a biracial co-worker ♪ 605 00:23:43,926 --> 00:23:46,634 ♪ This is why we fight ♪ 606 00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:51,176 ♪ For Proud Boys and alt-rights ♪ 607 00:23:51,176 --> 00:23:52,592 ♪♪♪ 608 00:23:52,592 --> 00:23:55,884 ♪ For rich white men ♪ 609 00:23:55,884 --> 00:23:59,384 ♪ And rich white men's wives ♪ 610 00:23:59,384 --> 00:24:01,301 I'm cool with this also. 611 00:24:01,301 --> 00:24:03,343 Conservatives from all over the country 612 00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:04,759 have gathered in Washington 613 00:24:04,759 --> 00:24:06,759 to fight for the rights of Republicans 614 00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:08,092 or, said another way, 615 00:24:08,092 --> 00:24:10,842 the President has hosted a white-power rally. 616 00:24:10,842 --> 00:24:12,634 The Grand Wizard is about to speak. 617 00:24:12,634 --> 00:24:13,842 ♪♪♪ 618 00:24:13,842 --> 00:24:15,967 ♪ Why ♪ 619 00:24:15,967 --> 00:24:18,884 ♪ We fight ♪ 620 00:24:18,884 --> 00:24:22,009 ♪♪♪ 621 00:24:22,009 --> 00:24:23,967 ♪ Save ♪ 622 00:24:23,967 --> 00:24:27,218 ♪ The right ♪ 623 00:24:27,218 --> 00:24:30,051 ♪♪♪ 624 00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:34,426 My fellow conservatives, we have a dream, 625 00:24:34,426 --> 00:24:37,218 a dream that began on a bridge in Selma 626 00:24:37,218 --> 00:24:39,717 though not the side people typically think of... 627 00:24:39,717 --> 00:24:42,092 a dream that, one day, 628 00:24:42,092 --> 00:24:44,675 conservatives will be able to go online 629 00:24:44,675 --> 00:24:48,842 without the fear of someone teasing them a little bit! 630 00:24:48,842 --> 00:24:51,550 Wow. What a fuckin' snowflake. 631 00:24:51,550 --> 00:24:53,675 [siren wails] 632 00:24:53,675 --> 00:24:55,842 Hey, you guys don't have a permit for any of this. 633 00:24:55,842 --> 00:24:57,092 You gotta scram. 634 00:24:57,092 --> 00:24:59,218 Oh, why? Because we're conservatives? 635 00:24:59,218 --> 00:25:00,550 [crowd boos] 636 00:25:00,550 --> 00:25:02,343 No. Just, everyone needs a permit. 637 00:25:02,343 --> 00:25:04,051 You don't get special treatment. 638 00:25:04,051 --> 00:25:08,343 ♪♪♪ 639 00:25:14,550 --> 00:25:16,092 [sobbing] 640 00:25:16,092 --> 00:25:17,675 Let us stay! 641 00:25:17,675 --> 00:25:20,842 It's not fair! 642 00:25:20,842 --> 00:25:22,592 We're allowed to be here! 643 00:25:22,592 --> 00:25:24,259 Mommy said so! 644 00:25:24,259 --> 00:25:27,009 You're a bad cop! Bad cop! 645 00:25:27,009 --> 00:25:29,092 [sobbing] He is a bad cop! 646 00:25:29,092 --> 00:25:32,509 Let us stay, or I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna cry and cry! 647 00:25:32,509 --> 00:25:34,468 I hate you! 648 00:25:34,468 --> 00:25:38,634 [all sobbing] 649 00:25:38,634 --> 00:25:40,009 Is that tears or piss? 650 00:25:40,009 --> 00:25:43,051 [sniffing] Ah. It's just tears, thank God. 651 00:25:43,051 --> 00:25:44,926 Alright, stay. Just wrap it up 652 00:25:44,926 --> 00:25:46,800 before the ceramics fair sets up. 653 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,884 -Yay! -We did it! 654 00:25:48,884 --> 00:25:51,259 -Hooray! -The right always wins! 655 00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:53,092 ♪♪♪ 656 00:25:53,092 --> 00:25:55,384 How are your hammies, Mr. President? 657 00:25:55,384 --> 00:25:58,634 Pretty sore, but I'll just take a month off work, 658 00:25:58,634 --> 00:26:00,717 wherever that is. 659 00:26:00,717 --> 00:26:02,384 [President Trump] You think this changed anything? 660 00:26:02,384 --> 00:26:04,592 [Shapiro] I'm about to find out. 661 00:26:04,592 --> 00:26:07,926 I'm on my way, SoulCycle! 662 00:26:07,926 --> 00:26:09,259 ♪♪♪ 663 00:26:09,259 --> 00:26:11,176 Where'd you learn to cry like that? 664 00:26:11,176 --> 00:26:13,842 Let's just say a couple kooky cats taught me 665 00:26:13,842 --> 00:26:15,592 how to be vulnerable. 666 00:26:15,592 --> 00:26:19,509 Great news! Before I burnt down O'Shittery's Beer Dump, 667 00:26:19,509 --> 00:26:21,675 I stole a bunch of kegs from the loading dock. 668 00:26:21,675 --> 00:26:23,509 Wanna go drink them? Uh, yeah, we're okay. 669 00:26:23,509 --> 00:26:25,343 Yeah, I think -- W-We're alright, though. 670 00:26:25,343 --> 00:26:27,343 You guys are huge dicks! 671 00:26:27,343 --> 00:26:31,842 I'm gonna start my own movement against huge dicks! 672 00:26:31,842 --> 00:26:33,675 ♪ Why ♪ 673 00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,675 ♪ We ♪ 674 00:26:35,675 --> 00:26:39,509 ♪ Fight ♪ 675 00:26:39,509 --> 00:26:41,759 ♪ Save ♪ 676 00:26:41,759 --> 00:26:43,675 ♪ The ♪ 677 00:26:43,675 --> 00:26:46,884 ♪ Right ♪ 678 00:26:46,884 --> 00:26:51,509 ♪ I used to feel like I could walk the Earth ♪ 679 00:26:51,509 --> 00:26:55,134 ♪ Like a human god ♪ 680 00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:58,426 ♪ Now I still am a human god ♪ 681 00:26:58,426 --> 00:27:00,884 ♪ But I feel like I'm not ♪ 682 00:27:00,884 --> 00:27:06,009 ♪♪♪ 683 00:27:19,592 --> 00:27:21,675 ♪ Why ♪ 684 00:27:21,675 --> 00:27:23,634 ♪ We ♪ 685 00:27:23,634 --> 00:27:25,468 ♪ Fight ♪ 686 00:27:25,468 --> 00:27:27,717 ♪ Leave Meghan McCain alone ♪ 687 00:27:27,717 --> 00:27:29,717 ♪ Save ♪ 688 00:27:29,717 --> 00:27:32,134 ♪ The right ♪ 689 00:27:32,134 --> 00:27:36,592 ♪ Yeah, we gotta save the right ♪ 690 00:27:36,592 --> 00:27:39,800 ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ 691 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,926 ♪ Ooh ♪ 692 00:27:41,926 --> 00:27:47,051 ♪♪♪