1 00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:11,387 And now a message from 2 00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:13,720 the President of the United States. 3 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,011 My fellow Americans, I would like to address reports 4 00:00:17,011 --> 00:00:18,553 alleging that I was friends 5 00:00:18,553 --> 00:00:22,553 with billionaire convicted sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein 6 00:00:22,553 --> 00:00:24,804 and attended his infamous parties. 7 00:00:24,804 --> 00:00:27,887 Sure, I told New York Magazine in 2002 8 00:00:27,887 --> 00:00:29,804 that Epstein is a terrific guy. 9 00:00:29,804 --> 00:00:31,428 But that was before I found out 10 00:00:31,428 --> 00:00:33,303 that I said later in the same sentence 11 00:00:33,303 --> 00:00:36,136 that he likes beautiful women on the younger side. 12 00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:38,345 I knew I had to cut off our relationship 13 00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:41,053 right then and several years after there. 14 00:00:41,053 --> 00:00:43,595 Now, I've brought someone who can confirm 15 00:00:43,595 --> 00:00:45,637 that we are very innocent. 16 00:00:45,637 --> 00:00:46,887 Hey, everybody. 17 00:00:46,887 --> 00:00:48,929 It's me, America's cold sore. 18 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:50,929 Every few years, I pop up and remind you 19 00:00:50,929 --> 00:00:53,053 of your bad choices in the nineties. 20 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,929 I have never been to Jeffrey Epstein's home 21 00:00:56,929 --> 00:01:00,595 on 71st Street between Fifth and Madison near Jody's Juice. 22 00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:02,428 Try the strawberry. It's delicious. 23 00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:04,470 And why would I go to Epstein's home? 24 00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:07,011 I don't want to be reminded of the things I've seen there. 25 00:01:07,011 --> 00:01:09,929 Let's talk about the so-called "Epstein Jet" 26 00:01:09,929 --> 00:01:12,095 on which Jeffy-Boy and his friends, 27 00:01:12,095 --> 00:01:14,136 who know him as Jeffy-Boy... Jeffy-Boy! 28 00:01:14,136 --> 00:01:16,887 ...allegedly committed vile acts. 29 00:01:16,887 --> 00:01:19,512 Sure, witnesses allege we were passengers, 30 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,136 but so was Kevin Spacey. 31 00:01:21,136 --> 00:01:23,178 I don't think this Boy Scout 32 00:01:23,178 --> 00:01:25,220 would let anything untoward happen up there. 33 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,762 The only reason I was on that jet 34 00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:29,345 26 -- I mean, 4 times -- 35 00:01:29,345 --> 00:01:32,637 was it was the best deal on Kayak.com 36 00:01:32,637 --> 00:01:36,345 And I promise I didn't smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. 37 00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:38,512 Which is the only law in the sky, 38 00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:40,553 according to our attorney Alan Dershowitz. 39 00:01:40,553 --> 00:01:41,762 Dershy-Boy! 40 00:01:41,762 --> 00:01:44,220 He litigates like his freedom depends on it. 41 00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:45,637 And it does. 42 00:01:45,637 --> 00:01:48,595 You know, Bill and I may disagree on healthcare 43 00:01:48,595 --> 00:01:50,345 and criminal justice... Barely. 44 00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:52,595 ...but we are unified against 45 00:01:52,595 --> 00:01:54,970 these all-but-undeniable accusations. 46 00:01:54,970 --> 00:01:57,845 In the end, aren't we all just Americans 47 00:01:57,845 --> 00:02:00,845 accused of the most ghastly crime imaginable? 48 00:02:00,845 --> 00:02:02,929 And on an unrelated note, I am naming 49 00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:05,470 a new Deputy Attorney General -- Jeffrey Epstein. 50 00:02:05,470 --> 00:02:06,804 I'm also pardoning him 51 00:02:06,804 --> 00:02:08,637 and having his mouth filled with cement. 52 00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:10,261 Don't you crack, Jeffy-Boy! 53 00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:14,303 We're sending a rope and potato chips down that well! I promise! 54 00:02:14,303 --> 00:02:17,303 -Bill, you're my best friend! -And you're mine! 55 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,679 We're gonna get through this together, little brother! 56 00:02:19,679 --> 00:02:23,261 I can't believe we almost let Hillary tear us apart! 57 00:02:23,261 --> 00:02:24,553 This has been a message from 58 00:02:24,553 --> 00:02:27,011 two Presidents of the United States. 59 00:02:27,011 --> 00:02:29,011 It's Joe's turn! 60 00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:32,345 There's not room for us both! 61 00:02:37,178 --> 00:02:39,261 Fifty years ago today, 62 00:02:39,261 --> 00:02:42,470 Buzz Aldrin and a wise-ass talking monkey 63 00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:46,178 threw on some scuba gear, boarded Apollo Creed, 64 00:02:46,178 --> 00:02:50,345 and shot up to the largest of all our planets -- the Moon. 65 00:02:50,345 --> 00:02:52,345 Buzz took some funny pictures, 66 00:02:52,345 --> 00:02:54,845 and NASA left the monkey to die. 67 00:02:54,845 --> 00:02:57,011 The end. 68 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,804 Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up! 69 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:02,136 Sir, is everything -- Shhh! 70 00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:03,845 It's just -- Shhhhhhhh! 71 00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:06,637 Holy shit! I forgot about... 72 00:03:06,637 --> 00:03:09,637 Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce! 73 00:03:09,637 --> 00:03:12,887 Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! 74 00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:16,929 We gotta do Space Force! What happened to Space Force?! 75 00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:19,970 You sort of went on an obstruction-of-justice bender, 76 00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:21,428 so we kicked it down the road. 77 00:03:21,428 --> 00:03:23,845 Mike, you garage-door motor-brained moron! 78 00:03:23,845 --> 00:03:27,220 We could be blowing up stuff in space right now, and instead... 79 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:29,679 I'm commemorating this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass 80 00:03:29,679 --> 00:03:30,887 space clown! 81 00:03:30,887 --> 00:03:32,970 Give me four hours, and I'll have an update. 82 00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:34,804 Cool. Yeah. Take your time. 83 00:03:34,804 --> 00:03:36,679 It's not like I'm your boss or anything. 84 00:03:36,679 --> 00:03:38,512 I'm so excited! 85 00:03:38,512 --> 00:03:41,345 Are you excited? I'm excited! Don't start. I gotta pee. 86 00:03:41,345 --> 00:03:42,970 It's starting! Forget it! 87 00:03:42,970 --> 00:03:44,804 I'll pee at halftime. 88 00:03:44,804 --> 00:03:47,470 Here is your update on Space Force, an institution 89 00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,970 I fundamentally disagree with as a science skeptic, 90 00:03:49,970 --> 00:03:52,303 but no one listened when I explained that 17 times, 91 00:03:52,303 --> 00:03:53,512 so here we go. 92 00:03:53,512 --> 00:03:55,595 Whoo-hoo! Space Force! 93 00:03:55,595 --> 00:03:59,136 Oh, man, I got to pee so bad. I'm gonna pee in a cup! 94 00:03:59,136 --> 00:04:00,679 Next slide, please. 95 00:04:00,679 --> 00:04:03,261 The Defense Department's legislative proposal outlines 96 00:04:03,261 --> 00:04:04,762 a five-year rollout... Ah, geez. 97 00:04:04,762 --> 00:04:06,929 ...beginning the start of fiscal year 2020. 98 00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:08,095 The budget request is... 99 00:04:08,095 --> 00:04:10,261 Ugh. ...$72.4 million -- 100 00:04:10,261 --> 00:04:12,804 0.07% of the annual... 101 00:04:12,804 --> 00:04:14,178 Ueeeghhh! ...D.O.D. budget. 102 00:04:14,178 --> 00:04:16,220 Mikey, I asked for Star Wars, 103 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:18,595 and you brought me Star Wars: The Book! 104 00:04:18,595 --> 00:04:20,845 I've read some Star Wars books. They're actually pretty good. 105 00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:22,970 Pompeo, you're so far out of your lane 106 00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:24,804 that you've slammed into a Roy Rogers. 107 00:04:24,804 --> 00:04:26,679 Here are the questions I want answered. 108 00:04:26,679 --> 00:04:28,470 Will the rockets have thick, red lasers? 109 00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:31,595 Will the astronauts be 500-pound nutjobs with buzz cuts? 110 00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:33,970 Can we all get sweatshirts that say "Space Force"? 111 00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,428 First, we need to lay 112 00:04:35,428 --> 00:04:37,553 the legislative and budgetary groundwork. 113 00:04:37,553 --> 00:04:39,762 I'm so mad at you right now! 114 00:04:39,762 --> 00:04:41,970 Everyone, make sure Pence drinks this cup! 115 00:04:41,970 --> 00:04:45,220 "Groundwork." What an asshole! 116 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:46,470 Thank you all for attending 117 00:04:46,470 --> 00:04:50,470 the 2019 Iowa Democratic Party Hall of Fame Dinner. 118 00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,970 See you at the Iowa Caucuses! 119 00:04:52,970 --> 00:04:55,178 What's the first thing you're gonna do when you're president? 120 00:04:55,178 --> 00:04:57,470 I'm gonna give a speech so lacking in substance 121 00:04:57,470 --> 00:05:00,136 that time freezes and I can check out everyone's underpants. 122 00:05:00,136 --> 00:05:02,428 I'm gonna take off these wool socks. 123 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:05,011 Both my feet look like the potato nobody buys 124 00:05:05,011 --> 00:05:07,512 because it's started to sprout its own side potato. 125 00:05:07,512 --> 00:05:09,345 I'm gonna call Al Franken and say, 126 00:05:09,345 --> 00:05:11,345 "Can you believe you're there and I'm here?" 127 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,762 You all think I'm gonna do 128 00:05:12,762 --> 00:05:16,387 some Native American celebratory dance, but I won't. 129 00:05:16,387 --> 00:05:19,428 My tribe values quiet reflection over revelry. 130 00:05:19,428 --> 00:05:21,512 I'm gonna kick back and teach myself Welsh. 131 00:05:21,512 --> 00:05:25,595 I'm gonna bring in a pig, tell my staff it's the mascot, 132 00:05:25,595 --> 00:05:26,887 let them pet it... 133 00:05:26,887 --> 00:05:29,345 then jam an iron rod through its frickin' forehead! 134 00:05:29,345 --> 00:05:30,512 -Holy crap! -Jesus, Amy! 135 00:05:30,512 --> 00:05:32,011 What is wrong with you? 136 00:05:32,011 --> 00:05:34,178 Ohh, so when a man 137 00:05:34,178 --> 00:05:36,136 slaughters a pig in front of his staff... 138 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,095 -No! -That's your defense?! 139 00:05:38,095 --> 00:05:40,470 -What about you, Cory? -Oh, thank you for asking. 140 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,178 -I'm gonna -- -I'm just messin' with you. 141 00:05:42,178 --> 00:05:43,970 You're not gonna be president! 142 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:46,595 It's not funny! 143 00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:50,011 Good news is, one of us will absolutely beat Trump, 144 00:05:50,011 --> 00:05:51,762 and nothing will change that. 145 00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:53,762 Good news for the White House tonight. 146 00:05:53,762 --> 00:05:56,428 President Trump's approval rating is holding steady, 147 00:05:56,428 --> 00:05:58,387 and in key states, he's running even 148 00:05:58,387 --> 00:06:00,595 with many in the Democratic field. 149 00:06:02,637 --> 00:06:05,387 Daddy! I heard you made Mike Pence drink pee! 150 00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:07,261 Did he try to wash your feet again? 151 00:06:07,261 --> 00:06:09,553 Mike hasn't done a minute of work on Space Force. 152 00:06:09,553 --> 00:06:12,178 This isn't like figuring out which candy to keep 153 00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:13,637 in a steakhouse men's room 154 00:06:13,637 --> 00:06:15,970 where you really got to hunker down on the details. 155 00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,345 It's a space mission. 156 00:06:17,345 --> 00:06:21,053 I'll talk to him. Which Equinox does he belong to again? 157 00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:22,178 Forget it. It's just... 158 00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:24,220 every time I try to do something cool -- 159 00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:26,136 like the wall or Muslim Ban -- 160 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,553 some nerd has to come along and talk my ear off 161 00:06:28,553 --> 00:06:31,303 about whether it's actually possible, as if I care. 162 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,762 Ugh! Samesies. 163 00:06:32,762 --> 00:06:35,136 I tried to turn Jared into Channing Tatum 164 00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:36,804 by taping human muscles to him, 165 00:06:36,804 --> 00:06:39,387 and some scientist was like, "That won't work." 166 00:06:39,387 --> 00:06:41,804 Thanks for meeting with us on short notice. 167 00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:43,512 We know you've got a lot of shade 168 00:06:43,512 --> 00:06:45,053 and clapback on your schedule. 169 00:06:45,053 --> 00:06:46,970 Everyone in my bubble says Trump is doomed, 170 00:06:46,970 --> 00:06:48,470 but his poll numbers are steady. 171 00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:50,970 What did you learn from your loss that can help us beat him? 172 00:06:50,970 --> 00:06:52,428 I didn't lose. 173 00:06:52,428 --> 00:06:55,345 I won the popular vote and the presidency. 174 00:06:55,345 --> 00:06:57,261 -Uhh... -Uh, I-I -- Uh... 175 00:06:57,261 --> 00:06:58,762 The 2020 campaign 176 00:06:58,762 --> 00:07:01,428 brought back some bad memories that she's coped with 177 00:07:01,428 --> 00:07:03,428 by breaking off into her own reality. 178 00:07:03,428 --> 00:07:05,178 One time, I tried to wake her up, 179 00:07:05,178 --> 00:07:06,804 and she bit me in the Adam's apple! 180 00:07:06,804 --> 00:07:07,887 I gotta kick you out. 181 00:07:07,887 --> 00:07:10,553 The "cabinet meeting" is starting soon, 182 00:07:10,553 --> 00:07:13,136 and I gotta put suits and ties on the cats. 183 00:07:13,136 --> 00:07:16,303 Bill, please remind the Secretary of Education 184 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,136 to stop licking his asshole. 185 00:07:18,136 --> 00:07:20,595 This is some burden, but I figure it's God 186 00:07:20,595 --> 00:07:24,387 punishing me for all the things I did and continue to do. 187 00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:25,845 Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy, 188 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:29,762 I want boots on the ground in Turkmenistan yesterday! 189 00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:38,637 You're watching "Space Fighters: 190 00:07:38,637 --> 00:07:40,136 Thick Laser Edition." 191 00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:42,428 Hey, Mister P-r-r-resident! 192 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,011 I heard from someone who has friends 193 00:07:45,011 --> 00:07:46,929 that you're giving up on Space Force. 194 00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:49,470 Space Force is gonna be our most awesome 195 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:52,804 quagmire-generating military branch yet! 196 00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:54,553 And we are not just saying that 197 00:07:54,553 --> 00:07:56,512 because the defense aeronautics industry 198 00:07:56,512 --> 00:07:59,053 digs us another subterranean wine cave 199 00:07:59,053 --> 00:08:01,136 every time we utter the word "rocket." 200 00:08:01,136 --> 00:08:02,679 Rocket, rocket, rocket! 201 00:08:02,679 --> 00:08:05,387 You really think Space Force is worth more of my time 202 00:08:05,387 --> 00:08:07,887 than tricking Pompeo into eating a caterpillar? 203 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,553 Being the president who launched Space Force 204 00:08:10,553 --> 00:08:12,512 would be pretty cool... 205 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,428 Hey, aren't you the president who started a military branch 206 00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:19,136 that's in friggin' space? 207 00:08:19,136 --> 00:08:20,553 -Guilty! -Holy shit. 208 00:08:20,553 --> 00:08:23,261 The pizza's on me, sir. 209 00:08:23,261 --> 00:08:25,220 Hey, want to see what the pepperonis look like 210 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:26,512 before we chop 'em up? 211 00:08:26,512 --> 00:08:28,762 Goddamn right I do! 212 00:08:29,845 --> 00:08:31,762 Gentlemen... I'll reconsider. 213 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,512 Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the spirit! Can I do a mission? 214 00:08:34,512 --> 00:08:37,261 I can't wait to find out what zero gravity does 215 00:08:37,261 --> 00:08:38,428 to my jowl meat! 216 00:08:38,428 --> 00:08:42,178 Blblblblblblb-oglglgl! Blblblblblblb! 217 00:08:42,178 --> 00:08:44,887 Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz! 218 00:08:44,887 --> 00:08:47,887 Last night, I had a dream that I won the nomination 219 00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,136 then lost all 50 states to Trump. 220 00:08:50,136 --> 00:08:52,470 I couldn't get one senator's wife to hug me! 221 00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:55,136 I had the same dream. Except for the last part. 222 00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:56,553 Me too. Yeah, except for that last part. 223 00:08:56,553 --> 00:08:58,470 Yeah, no, definitely not that last part. 224 00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:00,845 Fuck it. I'm not letting that nightmare come true. 225 00:09:00,845 --> 00:09:04,637 I'm throwing the race. The presidency can eat my ass. 226 00:09:04,637 --> 00:09:07,553 -You're dropping out? -No, you deaf shower fungus. 227 00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:10,220 I'm sittin' on millions in donor cash. 228 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,470 I'm gonna Brewster's Millions this shit 229 00:09:12,470 --> 00:09:14,637 until there's not a nickel left. 230 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,637 It's not a bad idea. I'm throwing my race, too. 231 00:09:17,637 --> 00:09:18,720 -Me too. -Me too. 232 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,428 -Is anyone gonna try to win? -No. 233 00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:21,762 -No. -I don't know how to lose. 234 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,261 Just keep doing what you're doing. 235 00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:24,470 The question is now -- 236 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:26,553 who's gonna be the best worst candidate? 237 00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:32,428 Look at space. So peaceful. So boring. 238 00:09:32,428 --> 00:09:34,512 Leave it to Pence to make deploying 239 00:09:34,512 --> 00:09:36,428 a sophisticated military apparatus 240 00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:38,595 in zero gravity sound complicated. 241 00:09:38,595 --> 00:09:41,261 For some people, it is complicated, 242 00:09:41,261 --> 00:09:43,053 but you don't have to worry about that. 243 00:09:43,053 --> 00:09:45,011 You're the guy who walks into that boardroom, 244 00:09:45,011 --> 00:09:46,428 says whatever the hell you want, 245 00:09:46,428 --> 00:09:49,553 and leaves the minimum-wage doctor nerds to figure it out. 246 00:09:49,553 --> 00:09:52,595 You've thoughtlessly blurted out amazing ideas -- 247 00:09:52,595 --> 00:09:55,136 Trump Computer, Trump Milk, 248 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,220 Trump Four-Legged Pleasure Doll. 249 00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:58,470 Those didn't work, Eric, 250 00:09:58,470 --> 00:10:00,470 and the milk was sharp to the touch. 251 00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:02,720 But this time is gonna be different. 252 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,845 Oh, really? How could you think that? 253 00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:09,011 Because I'm not thinking, Dad, and you shouldn't, either. 254 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,845 My fellow Americans, we choose 255 00:10:14,845 --> 00:10:18,095 to launch Space Force before the week is out, 256 00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:21,095 not because it's easy -- which it is, Mike -- 257 00:10:21,095 --> 00:10:23,804 not because aeronautic defense contractors 258 00:10:23,804 --> 00:10:27,095 overpay their Mar-a-Lago dues 400%, 259 00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:30,303 but because it's cool as hell! 260 00:10:30,303 --> 00:10:33,428 Because that goal will allow us to make sweet sweatshirts. 261 00:10:33,428 --> 00:10:36,011 Because that challenge is one that will produce, 262 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:40,178 if we're lucky, a big-ass explosion in zero gravity. 263 00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:41,887 In conclusion... 264 00:10:41,887 --> 00:10:44,220 Spaaace Foooorce! 265 00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,095 As we all know, 266 00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:50,929 Pence's Space Force book report was a snoozer, 267 00:10:50,929 --> 00:10:53,470 so I made a version that covers the nitty-gritty 268 00:10:53,470 --> 00:10:54,845 but is still enjoyable. 269 00:10:54,845 --> 00:10:56,053 Lights... 270 00:10:57,512 --> 00:10:59,220 ♪ Huah! Huah! ♪ 271 00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,553 ♪ Space! Force! ♪ 272 00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:06,136 ♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪ 273 00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:12,679 ♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪ 274 00:11:17,637 --> 00:11:19,178 So, just do that. 275 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,220 I assume there aren't any questions. 276 00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,720 Uhp, I see a few hands. Bathroom's down the hall. 277 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,470 What were we supposed to gain from that? 278 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,470 Space Force is awesome. Next question. 279 00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:30,178 Why did the rocket explode at the end? 280 00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:31,929 Because it's awesome. Next question. 281 00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:33,387 Do we have the budget for this? 282 00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:35,887 Do you have the budget for your shitty face?! 283 00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:37,637 Are there any cool questions? 284 00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,845 Unlike your casinos, if this fails, 285 00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:43,428 you can't convert space into an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary. 286 00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:46,720 We need a backup plan. Or at least a plan. 287 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,387 I'm gonna show you turds how wrong you are. 288 00:11:49,387 --> 00:11:51,762 The following words are now forbidden -- 289 00:11:51,762 --> 00:11:53,679 "plan," "details," and "fully functional." 290 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,887 Got it? 291 00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:57,261 I'm Rachel Maddow, 292 00:11:57,261 --> 00:12:00,053 and my lunch order mentions the Teapot Dome scandal. 293 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,679 A strange day on the Democratic presidential campaign trail. 294 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,428 It appears as though the candidates 295 00:12:04,428 --> 00:12:06,720 are tanking their campaigns so none have to face 296 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,679 Donald Trump in the general election. 297 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,095 Here are the highlights. 298 00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:13,261 If I could, I'd do the whole Anita Hill thing over again 299 00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:14,720 the exact same way! 300 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,261 I want you all to meet my mascot, Mr. Oinky! 301 00:12:18,261 --> 00:12:20,095 As an African-American woman, I... 302 00:12:20,095 --> 00:12:23,011 You know who gets a bad rap? Stalin! 303 00:12:23,011 --> 00:12:26,595 I'm gonna turn meter maids into mindless killing machines! Yes! 304 00:12:26,595 --> 00:12:29,887 If elected president, I will get blackout at my inauguration, 305 00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:32,845 hop in my minivan, and sideswipe the Washington Monument! 306 00:12:32,845 --> 00:12:34,428 My pick for vice president 307 00:12:34,428 --> 00:12:36,512 is the next chipped-tooth motherfucker 308 00:12:36,512 --> 00:12:38,095 I run into on the street. 309 00:12:38,095 --> 00:12:41,553 Sir, you're about to be very happy, 310 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,887 because we're here to look at the first prototypes 311 00:12:43,887 --> 00:12:46,095 for space-based weaponry! 312 00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:47,970 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 313 00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:50,178 Is someone filming this?! 314 00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:53,470 Very funny, Bolton. Now show me the real spaceship 315 00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:55,553 with plasma railguns, command bridge, 316 00:12:55,553 --> 00:12:57,762 and bumper sticker that says "My other ride is your wife." 317 00:12:57,762 --> 00:12:59,220 These are the weapons. 318 00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:00,553 That part there emits 319 00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:03,804 high-powered microwaves and radio-frequency jammers. 320 00:13:03,804 --> 00:13:05,804 They're small due to the payload capacities -- 321 00:13:05,804 --> 00:13:07,804 Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah! 322 00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:11,470 You all are really testing my faith in humanity's ability 323 00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:13,387 to slaughter each other in space. 324 00:13:13,387 --> 00:13:16,553 Welcome to another 2020 presidential debate 325 00:13:16,553 --> 00:13:19,136 featuring the candidates from the Democratic Party. 326 00:13:19,136 --> 00:13:21,512 I'm Anderson Cooper, and, no, I'm not. 327 00:13:21,512 --> 00:13:23,929 The candidates are coming off a rough week 328 00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,220 but can hopefully redeem themselves tonight. 329 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,011 Mr. Vice President, why should you be 330 00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:30,178 President of the United States? 331 00:13:30,178 --> 00:13:32,512 Tonight ain't about why you should vote for me -- 332 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,720 a man who Obama chained to a radiator for eight years -- 333 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,053 but why you should vote for someone else. 334 00:13:38,053 --> 00:13:40,720 I don't know, let's say, overdue Medal of Honor recipient 335 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:41,845 Pete Buttigieg! 336 00:13:41,845 --> 00:13:44,011 No, no, no. Don't vote for me. 337 00:13:44,011 --> 00:13:46,428 I'm just trying to get a job outside the Midwest. 338 00:13:46,428 --> 00:13:47,637 This place sucks. 339 00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:49,220 Vote for a true patriot -- 340 00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:51,887 my dear friend Amy Klobuchar! 341 00:13:51,887 --> 00:13:54,595 Fuck you! Don't vote for me. 342 00:13:54,595 --> 00:13:58,637 I have a power drill under my desk in case an intern sneezes! 343 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,845 Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, 344 00:14:00,845 --> 00:14:03,136 is a goddamn saint. 345 00:14:03,136 --> 00:14:04,762 Lizzy's not here right now! 346 00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:08,053 I'm the Dark Proggo, fire prince of the night, 347 00:14:08,053 --> 00:14:09,345 swallower of souls, 348 00:14:09,345 --> 00:14:12,720 and the last thing children see before they die! 349 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,679 Actually, I would make an excellent president, 350 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,220 and here's why -- 351 00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:18,387 Shut up! You're the worst! 352 00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,053 What are we watching here? 353 00:14:23,053 --> 00:14:25,845 -Doctors performing surgery? -Wrong. 354 00:14:25,845 --> 00:14:28,595 We're watching doctors not thinking. 355 00:14:28,595 --> 00:14:30,804 Thinking gets in the way of your body doing 356 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,553 what it innately knows how to do. 357 00:14:33,553 --> 00:14:37,220 Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're thinking while doing surgery. 358 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,553 Maybe a better metaphor would be, uh, figure skating? 359 00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:41,261 Figure skaters have to think 360 00:14:41,261 --> 00:14:42,929 about every muscle in their body. 361 00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,303 Space Force is like surgery -- simple. 362 00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:48,095 We just jam a busty, scorpion-shaped space shuttle 363 00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,970 into a cannon and light the wick. 364 00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:52,679 Can it be a regular shuttle with a curvaceous scorpion 365 00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,553 painted on the side? Ugh! 366 00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:58,220 You're making the biggest mistake of your life, but fine. 367 00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:03,720 Space Force in five... 368 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,220 Four, three, two, one! 369 00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,428 -Whoo-hoo! -Whoo-hoo! 370 00:15:10,428 --> 00:15:11,637 Here it goes! 371 00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:12,804 Why isn't it launching?! 372 00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:14,762 Because you just started counting down 373 00:15:14,762 --> 00:15:17,345 irregardless of the launch time. 374 00:15:17,345 --> 00:15:20,929 And that's when I knew I would never be able 375 00:15:20,929 --> 00:15:23,970 to buy off-the-rack socks again. 376 00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:28,261 Spppaaaace Foooorrrce! 377 00:15:31,178 --> 00:15:33,595 Don't explode, don't explode, don't explode, don't explode. 378 00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,095 It didn't explode! 379 00:15:35,095 --> 00:15:37,345 Ha-ha! 380 00:15:37,345 --> 00:15:41,136 Mission control assures me the rocket is dressed as a nun 381 00:15:41,136 --> 00:15:43,845 so no one suspects it's about to kill someone. 382 00:15:43,845 --> 00:15:45,553 But this isn't just a victory 383 00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:48,387 for the good people at Lockheed Martin, Boeing, 384 00:15:48,387 --> 00:15:51,595 and the now-rejuvenated skull-shaped island market. 385 00:15:51,595 --> 00:15:54,095 It's a victory for thoughtlessness. 386 00:15:54,095 --> 00:15:57,303 Like the Iraq War or Obamacare website, 387 00:15:57,303 --> 00:15:58,804 from this moment forward, 388 00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:01,679 we will not think things through! 389 00:16:01,679 --> 00:16:05,220 Mr. President, weren't both of those massive failures? 390 00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:07,804 Iraq? No, that was pr-- No, that was pretty bad. 391 00:16:07,804 --> 00:16:09,512 That website, though -- N-- 392 00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,428 No, that -- That was bad, also. 393 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,178 Uh, oh, uh, uh -- Can you excuse me? 394 00:16:14,178 --> 00:16:16,303 Shit-shit-shit-shit, shit-shit-shit-shit-shit... 395 00:16:16,303 --> 00:16:19,512 A new poll shows the floundering 396 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,387 Democratic presidential candidates 397 00:16:21,387 --> 00:16:23,845 all with 0% support. 398 00:16:23,845 --> 00:16:24,845 -Hey, hey! -We did it! 399 00:16:24,845 --> 00:16:26,220 Congratulations, kids. 400 00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:29,136 I wouldn't wish Hillary's fate upon anyone. 401 00:16:29,136 --> 00:16:32,053 If you want to be Secretary of Transportation, 402 00:16:32,053 --> 00:16:34,512 you need to let Mommy give you a bath. 403 00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:36,011 On the Republican side, 404 00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,720 concern that President Trump is leading the United States 405 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,303 into a military quagmire in space 406 00:16:41,303 --> 00:16:43,595 has caused his poll numbers to slump. 407 00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:45,679 Hey, guys... 408 00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:48,011 what if Donald Trump becomes vulnerable again? 409 00:16:48,011 --> 00:16:49,553 I told a bunch of schoolchildren 410 00:16:49,553 --> 00:16:51,929 I was gonna cut off their faces with a meat slicer. 411 00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:54,762 If Trump's unpopular and we're unpopular, 412 00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:56,387 who is America gonna vote for? 413 00:16:56,387 --> 00:16:58,762 Widespread opposition of the major-party candidates 414 00:16:58,762 --> 00:17:01,970 has reactivated the campaign of Starbucks CEO 415 00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:04,345 and nihilist sociopath Howard Schultz. 416 00:17:04,345 --> 00:17:06,095 -Aaaaah! -Nooooo! 417 00:17:06,095 --> 00:17:09,261 I don't want to know. Is it bad? 418 00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:12,387 It's fine, as long as the Chinese, Iranians, 419 00:17:12,387 --> 00:17:14,095 and North Koreans play nice. 420 00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:17,929 Boom! Ha-ha! 421 00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,136 Felt that one in my tailbone! 422 00:17:20,136 --> 00:17:22,053 Looks like you're gonna need to send up 423 00:17:22,053 --> 00:17:23,720 some more weapons, Don! 424 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,136 You guys look great! 425 00:17:25,136 --> 00:17:26,595 Where did you get all that stuff? 426 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:29,387 Our friends Lockheed and Martin took us shopping! 427 00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:30,553 Unrelated to this. 428 00:17:30,553 --> 00:17:32,553 No further questions, Your Honor. 429 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:35,679 How quickly can we blast nine more billion-dollar rockets 430 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,261 into that powder keg in the sky? 431 00:17:39,512 --> 00:17:42,178 The president just launched more rockets into space -- 432 00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:44,095 an escalation that, history shows us, 433 00:17:44,095 --> 00:17:46,136 leads to an everlasting peace. 434 00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,428 Just kidding. It caused a five-nation space war. 435 00:17:48,428 --> 00:17:51,095 Meanwhile, scientists warn that space debris 436 00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:52,345 is falling at deadly speeds, 437 00:17:52,345 --> 00:17:54,762 just like the President's poll numbers. 438 00:17:54,762 --> 00:17:57,929 Great. We just turned this into a three-way race. 439 00:17:57,929 --> 00:18:00,929 I haven't felt this lousy since Patty Murray pantsed me 440 00:18:00,929 --> 00:18:02,804 on my first day in the Senate. 441 00:18:02,804 --> 00:18:05,053 Throwing this race was a great idea, Amy. 442 00:18:05,053 --> 00:18:07,095 -I don't like that mouth at all! -Whoa! 443 00:18:07,095 --> 00:18:08,595 -Hey, calm down! -De-escalate! 444 00:18:10,345 --> 00:18:13,261 Are you... expecting someone? 445 00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:14,637 No. 446 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,762 That's not someone. 447 00:18:18,762 --> 00:18:20,261 That's some thing. 448 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,428 ♪ ominous music playing ♪ 449 00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,512 Daddy's home. 450 00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:45,303 -Aaaah! -Noooo! 451 00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:48,387 Holy shit! It's him! Hillary, where do you keep your guns?! 452 00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:51,095 No guns, but I do have the nuclear football. 453 00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,136 -Amy, get him! -I looked him in the eye! 454 00:18:53,136 --> 00:18:54,720 I can't move! 455 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,804 Behold the awesome power of a centrist 456 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,929 who appeals to the 42% of Americans 457 00:19:00,929 --> 00:19:03,011 who identify as independent. 458 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,762 Those voters could be independent 459 00:19:04,762 --> 00:19:06,845 because they're far left or they're far right, 460 00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,345 you crazy-eyed bastard! 461 00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,345 Oh, yeah. Huh. 462 00:19:10,345 --> 00:19:12,595 Hm. It doesn't matter. 463 00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:16,178 By saturating Americans with Starbucks for decades, 464 00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:18,220 I've primed them to support a candidate 465 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,387 who is just as physically nauseating 466 00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:23,595 and economically criminal as that terrible coffee. 467 00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:25,720 Americans are readier than ever 468 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,970 to get behind something that sucks. 469 00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:31,053 They're ready for Howard Schultz. 470 00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:34,011 Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. 471 00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:39,345 Well, I'm gonna punch out for the day. 472 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,553 If you guys need me, I'll be just doing my thang. 473 00:19:41,553 --> 00:19:43,720 Oh, and, uh, if you left your deck chairs outside, 474 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,887 you might want to drag 'em in 475 00:19:44,887 --> 00:19:47,011 because it's really coming down today. 476 00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:49,720 Sir, fiery metal chunks traveling at the speed of sound 477 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,387 are falling from space. Oh, really? 478 00:19:51,387 --> 00:19:54,470 Well, are you sure Earth isn't just going up into the chunks? 479 00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:55,679 I asked the same thing, 480 00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:57,929 but a guy with glasses explained that it's not. 481 00:19:57,929 --> 00:20:00,011 I know, Pompeo. Okay? You know why it's happening? 482 00:20:00,011 --> 00:20:01,720 Because you all spent so much time 483 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,845 focusing on the Space Force details 484 00:20:03,845 --> 00:20:06,136 that you lost sight of the overall awesomeness! 485 00:20:06,136 --> 00:20:08,845 Sir, this is why you always need a backup plan. 486 00:20:08,845 --> 00:20:10,720 I thought I banned the P-word! 487 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,220 You know, launching a program 488 00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:14,345 that incites an international arms race 489 00:20:14,345 --> 00:20:17,220 in a once-peaceful frontier could've been fun! 490 00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:19,720 But you brainiacs ruined it! 491 00:20:27,136 --> 00:20:29,387 At least pizza will cheer me up. 492 00:20:29,387 --> 00:20:31,929 -One slice of pepperoni, please. -Not for you. 493 00:20:31,929 --> 00:20:33,595 My boss is making me go up to the roof 494 00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:36,387 and clean up space junk thanks to your brainless bullshit. 495 00:20:36,387 --> 00:20:39,011 Come on, man! I've had a rough day. 496 00:20:39,011 --> 00:20:40,470 Just give me one? 497 00:20:40,470 --> 00:20:42,720 I'm gonna call the cops, my dude. Take a hike. 498 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,011 Fine. I'll go. 499 00:20:44,011 --> 00:20:45,845 But only if you show me what the pepperonis look like 500 00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,261 before you chop 'em up. 501 00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:48,929 I'll take that secret to my grave. 502 00:20:48,929 --> 00:20:50,720 Now beat it before I kick your ass. 503 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,929 Ugh! Not again! 504 00:20:52,929 --> 00:20:54,679 Jackie, where's the broom?! 505 00:20:56,387 --> 00:20:59,220 Look, Howard, I respect what you've done with Starbucks. 506 00:20:59,220 --> 00:21:01,261 No one drives their employees insane 507 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,303 with Norah Jones music better than you. 508 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,303 But if you run, hell, you'll hand the presidency to Trump. 509 00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:10,011 Joe, what are you talking about? I'm already the president. 510 00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:11,804 What? 511 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,261 "Instead of 'billionaire,' 512 00:21:13,261 --> 00:21:16,011 I prefer you call me a 'person of means.' 513 00:21:16,011 --> 00:21:18,345 President Howard Schultz"?! 514 00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:20,345 I'm too late! 515 00:21:30,428 --> 00:21:32,929 And in political news, 516 00:21:32,929 --> 00:21:35,136 space junk continues to kill thousands... 517 00:21:35,136 --> 00:21:37,136 and President Trump's re-election chances. 518 00:21:37,136 --> 00:21:39,970 Maybe mankind just wasn't meant to bring 519 00:21:39,970 --> 00:21:42,220 their mindless bloodlust to the heavens. 520 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,178 - Yes, they are. -John F. Kennedy? 521 00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:48,220 You're Congressman Joe Kennedy III's great-uncle! 522 00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:50,553 What's that silver-tongued spitfire like? 523 00:21:50,553 --> 00:21:52,053 No time for chitchat. 524 00:21:52,053 --> 00:21:53,470 I'm just killing time before I'm meeting 525 00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:56,261 the ghost of Jayne Mansfield on Mike Pence's desk. 526 00:21:56,261 --> 00:21:57,845 When I announced we'd go to the Moon, 527 00:21:57,845 --> 00:21:59,845 I had no idea it was even possible. 528 00:21:59,845 --> 00:22:03,053 I was so goofed up on pain pills that I just blurted it out, 529 00:22:03,053 --> 00:22:05,595 and, luckily, thousands of eggheads made it happen. 530 00:22:05,595 --> 00:22:07,845 I wish Space Force was like that. 531 00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:09,804 It is. Just keep the faith. 532 00:22:09,804 --> 00:22:12,720 Us privileged white sons of Nazi sympathizers 533 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,428 need not concern ourselves with details, 534 00:22:15,428 --> 00:22:17,970 because no matter how great our errors, 535 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,178 how harebrained our schemes, 536 00:22:20,178 --> 00:22:22,136 how depraved our predilections, 537 00:22:22,136 --> 00:22:24,011 those who serve beneath us 538 00:22:24,011 --> 00:22:26,220 will provide a nice, soft landing. 539 00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:27,845 Is there a historical anecdote 540 00:22:27,845 --> 00:22:29,720 that illustrates your exact point? 541 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,762 Chappaquiddick. Look it up. 542 00:22:31,762 --> 00:22:35,345 I had a dream last night Schultz ate our souls! 543 00:22:35,345 --> 00:22:36,595 -Me too! -Me too! 544 00:22:36,595 --> 00:22:39,053 We gotta stop him. Don't ask me how. I'm a vague-ideas guy. 545 00:22:39,053 --> 00:22:41,553 We need someone smart, someone who went to Stanford, 546 00:22:41,553 --> 00:22:44,220 won a Rhodes scholarship, then attended Yale Law. 547 00:22:44,220 --> 00:22:45,720 -Oh, God. -Shut up. 548 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,345 This Schultz boob just jumped into the race with no policies. 549 00:22:49,345 --> 00:22:51,220 If we want to go toe-to-hoof with him, 550 00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:53,220 we need someone equally thoughtless. 551 00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,512 She's right. 552 00:22:54,512 --> 00:22:56,470 Overthinking's what got us into this mess, 553 00:22:56,470 --> 00:22:59,220 and underthinking is gonna get us out. 554 00:22:59,220 --> 00:23:01,387 Hmm. Who do we know that never puts 555 00:23:01,387 --> 00:23:03,720 a single thought into anything they do? 556 00:23:06,178 --> 00:23:08,387 Wow! And then he just went home? 557 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,762 I'm not perfect, but I'm not Ted Kennedy. 558 00:23:10,762 --> 00:23:12,637 I've made Jayne wait long enough. 559 00:23:12,637 --> 00:23:14,387 By the way, should you ever need 560 00:23:14,387 --> 00:23:17,387 the strongest barbiturates known to medical science, 561 00:23:17,387 --> 00:23:20,261 look behind the painting in the state dining room. 562 00:23:20,261 --> 00:23:22,345 If that's Jackie, uh, 563 00:23:22,345 --> 00:23:24,762 tell her I'm fighting for civil rights or some crap. 564 00:23:24,762 --> 00:23:27,470 Hello? Every one of 'em? 565 00:23:29,428 --> 00:23:33,428 And behind Howard Schultz's eyes, it's completely black. 566 00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:35,929 He doesn't feel like you and me. 567 00:23:35,929 --> 00:23:37,220 He's got acid for blood! 568 00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:39,679 Why would I team up with you guys to take him down? 569 00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:41,470 You really want to go mano-a-mano 570 00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:44,762 with someone who thought less about their campaign than you? 571 00:23:44,762 --> 00:23:46,261 Alright. Follow my lead, 572 00:23:46,261 --> 00:23:49,595 even though I have the barest wisp of an idea where I'm going. 573 00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:53,804 ♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪ 574 00:23:56,136 --> 00:23:58,303 ♪ Space Force! ♪ 575 00:24:00,637 --> 00:24:01,970 ♪ Space Force! ♪ 576 00:24:04,387 --> 00:24:06,470 So each and every one of you 577 00:24:06,470 --> 00:24:09,303 is dropping out of the race and endorsing me? 578 00:24:09,303 --> 00:24:10,929 -Mm-hmm. -Uh-huh. 579 00:24:10,929 --> 00:24:13,679 I figured it would come to this, just not so soon. 580 00:24:13,679 --> 00:24:17,470 How about some... Starbucks to celebrate? 581 00:24:17,470 --> 00:24:20,011 How thoughtful. Anyone else gonna partake? 582 00:24:20,011 --> 00:24:21,011 -Nope. -No. 583 00:24:21,011 --> 00:24:22,470 Okay. 584 00:24:24,136 --> 00:24:26,512 Ahh. This was lovely. 585 00:24:26,512 --> 00:24:28,136 I'll be back with my designers 586 00:24:28,136 --> 00:24:29,553 who specialize in interiors 587 00:24:29,553 --> 00:24:32,303 that, once you enter, you immediately want to leave. 588 00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:36,428 Idiot! I put JFK's horse tranquilizers in that coffee! 589 00:24:36,428 --> 00:24:40,053 And as soon as you pass out, we're shooting you into space! 590 00:24:40,053 --> 00:24:42,512 -Whoo-hoo! -Take that, asshole! 591 00:24:42,512 --> 00:24:44,428 Why aren't you panicking? 592 00:24:44,428 --> 00:24:47,970 Starbucks coffee is so acidic that it neutralizes the effects 593 00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:50,595 of even the most dangerous barbiturates. 594 00:24:50,595 --> 00:24:53,595 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have you arrested 595 00:24:53,595 --> 00:24:56,387 for conspiracy to be mean to a billionaire. 596 00:24:56,387 --> 00:24:58,178 Don't you mean "person of means"? 597 00:24:58,178 --> 00:25:01,553 "Billionaire" is my word. I can say it. 598 00:25:01,553 --> 00:25:04,387 Okay, Trump. What's your Plan B? 599 00:25:04,387 --> 00:25:06,595 Aww. You thought I had a Plan A. 600 00:25:06,595 --> 00:25:08,345 You're alright, Lizzy. 601 00:25:08,345 --> 00:25:11,011 Well, I guess this is it for all of us. 602 00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:13,261 If you guys want to take anything from the White House, 603 00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:14,595 I got a crowbar in my desk. 604 00:25:14,595 --> 00:25:16,929 -Wait. But what if we just -- -It's over, Beto. 605 00:25:16,929 --> 00:25:19,303 Times like these, I feel more grateful than ever 606 00:25:19,303 --> 00:25:20,428 that I have a girlfriend. 607 00:25:20,428 --> 00:25:22,720 -She doesn't exist! -Shut up! 608 00:25:24,387 --> 00:25:27,178 Take me to the sheriff's office. No lollygagging. 609 00:25:27,178 --> 00:25:29,220 Right away, future president. 610 00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:32,553 Finally. Someone gets it. 611 00:25:32,553 --> 00:25:34,762 What the hell are we doing out here? 612 00:25:34,762 --> 00:25:37,428 The pawn shop closes in 45 minutes. 613 00:25:37,428 --> 00:25:40,387 Sir, I knew you wouldn't have a backup plan 614 00:25:40,387 --> 00:25:42,053 to take down Howard Schultz, 615 00:25:42,053 --> 00:25:44,804 and Earth would fly off orbit into the sun 616 00:25:44,804 --> 00:25:48,387 if Americans lost faith in their doughy, white men. 617 00:25:48,387 --> 00:25:51,345 So I came up with a plan myself. 618 00:25:51,345 --> 00:25:53,387 Please direct your attention to the distance, 619 00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:55,637 where the hog-tied coffee magnate 620 00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:58,387 is loaded into a rocket headed for space 621 00:25:58,387 --> 00:26:00,762 in three, two, one! 622 00:26:00,762 --> 00:26:02,762 Blast off! 623 00:26:02,762 --> 00:26:06,428 -Whoo-hoo! -Spaaaace Foooorrrce! 624 00:26:06,428 --> 00:26:08,804 Please explode, please explode, please explode. 625 00:26:08,804 --> 00:26:11,679 -Whoo! -Aww, it didn't explode! 626 00:26:11,679 --> 00:26:14,053 Not that I have a problem with someone being 627 00:26:14,053 --> 00:26:15,679 in a confined space indefinitely, 628 00:26:15,679 --> 00:26:18,553 but aren't we kind of leaving Schultz to die in space? 629 00:26:18,553 --> 00:26:20,637 Oh, he has enough water and gerbil pellets 630 00:26:20,637 --> 00:26:23,637 to last him well past the 2020 election. 631 00:26:23,637 --> 00:26:25,637 Doesn't China, Iran, and North Korea 632 00:26:25,637 --> 00:26:27,679 have militarized spacecrafts up there? 633 00:26:27,679 --> 00:26:29,595 I read that in a French newspaper! 634 00:26:29,595 --> 00:26:30,762 Oh, yeah! 635 00:26:34,762 --> 00:26:37,970 But on the other hand, pretty big-ass explosion, right? 636 00:26:37,970 --> 00:26:39,470 -Yeah! -What a beautiful sight! 637 00:26:39,470 --> 00:26:41,345 Plus, you blew up a rocket. 638 00:26:41,345 --> 00:26:44,970 And when a rocket explodes and you need more rockets, 639 00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,261 it's a beautiful thing. 640 00:26:47,261 --> 00:26:49,804 You guys look so good. 641 00:26:51,512 --> 00:26:53,470 You can't kill Howard Schultz. 642 00:26:53,470 --> 00:26:56,261 I was here before the world began. 643 00:26:56,261 --> 00:26:59,512 Ha ha ha ha. Ha. 644 00:26:59,512 --> 00:27:02,679 We felt bad Space Force didn't work out 645 00:27:02,679 --> 00:27:05,178 because you're crazy dumb, so we got you this. 646 00:27:05,178 --> 00:27:06,595 You know what? 647 00:27:06,595 --> 00:27:09,679 A cool sweatshirt is all I wanted the whole time. 648 00:27:09,679 --> 00:27:11,929 We'll, uh, see you on the campaign trail? 649 00:27:11,929 --> 00:27:15,970 Yep! Until one of you wins, I declare the election invalid, 650 00:27:15,970 --> 00:27:19,804 and we settle this in the streets. 651 00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:24,345 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 652 00:27:24,345 --> 00:27:27,845 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 653 00:27:27,845 --> 00:27:30,261 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 654 00:27:30,261 --> 00:27:31,845 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 655 00:27:31,845 --> 00:27:34,845 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 656 00:27:34,845 --> 00:27:37,512 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 657 00:27:37,512 --> 00:27:38,929 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 658 00:27:38,929 --> 00:27:41,929 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 659 00:27:41,929 --> 00:27:46,970 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 660 00:27:49,261 --> 00:27:50,845 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 661 00:27:50,845 --> 00:27:54,512 ♪ He is our president ♪ 662 00:27:54,512 --> 00:27:57,762 ♪ We made him president ♪ 663 00:27:57,762 --> 00:28:00,053 ♪ We did it ♪ 664 00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:04,053 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 665 00:28:04,053 --> 00:28:07,095 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 666 00:28:07,095 --> 00:28:10,595 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 667 00:28:10,595 --> 00:28:14,220 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 668 00:28:14,220 --> 00:28:17,970 ♪ Yeah ♪ 669 00:28:17,970 --> 00:28:19,553 Trump!