- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
Malarkey!
And when asked
about the coronavirus outbreak in China,
the president said, "Never heard of her"
- then used Mike Pompeo's tie as a hankie. - _
- In other news, Senator Elizabeth Warren - _
continues to climb in the polls,
securing her place as an unassailable front runner
for the Democratic nomination.
And, Liz, from one popular kid to another,
get ready for all your dreams to come true.
Danielle from Milwaukee, it's Elizabeth Warren.
I just want to thank you for donating $5
and an undercooked apple strudel.
We were actually hoping you might be able
to scrape up a few more coins.
Oh you actually need that money back?
And the pie? I am so sorry that you got laid off.
I'm still doing way too well, huh!
As long you talk about "healing the nation" or some crap
and don't mention that six people have all the money,
Wall Street'll paint you in gold
like James Bond's girlfriend.
You know that actress was allergic to gold paint
and died? No joke!
Folks, you gotta donate to Trump 2020.
A billion dollars might buy an election,
but it's not enough to pay my attorneys,
and I can't be president if I'm in jail!
So take out a second mortgage, steal from church,
let your wife spend one night with her rich boss,
because my lawyer's lawyer needs to make it look like he died.
- Trump! Trump! Trump! - Whoo! I don't need insulin this month!
Sir, good news and bad news. The good news is
you've just been named Big Man On Campus at Arizona State.
That's what this job's all about.
And the bad news is your campaign is less of a campaign
and more of a lawyer welfare scheme that's hemorrhaging cash.
I can't help that my lawyers bill me by the hour
and that I spend every waking hour with my lawyers.
If we need funds, there's an untapped gold mine
of billionaires who own untapped gold mines.
But we have to go West, to Silicon Valley.
Aah! That's not a plan, Parscale.
It's suicide.
California hates my guts.
They refuse to meet me halfway on ethnic cleansing.
But we have no other options!
The President is right!
California is hell, and I'd know.
Ugh. Childhood trauma time.
I'm gonna dick around on my phone until he cries funny.
The year was 2002.
I'd just started Santa Monica High,
and I'd never felt more alone.
The kids called me names like "Mr. Intolerant"
and "The Guy Reading Mein Kampf."
The prom theme was "your genitals, your choice",
and our mascot was Norman Lear.
Make it stop! I'll get the money anywhere else!
You can't make me go to California, you hear me?
Never!
I'm gonna give him a head start
so he thinks we had to try hard to catch up.
I repeat, everything I say at this lunch
is off the record. Got it? Good. Want a Frito?
I'm good. You've been licking your fingers this entire meal.
Bernie, do you think it would be immoral
to take money from shadowy Super PACs,
even if I really, really need it?
- Yeah, sure! - But Obama did it,
and it made him president.
Oh, Barack Obama, the gold standard of men,
our lord and savior! Baloney!
Is there no issue you can be chill about?
One day, it's a couple bucks from Wall Street.
The next, you're being wined and dined by oil barons
over an opulent lunch at Panera Bread.
You're right. As a lifelong Democrat
of the last eight years, I must stand by my principles.
Oh, suddenly she's got principles.
And because I wouldn't dare
step foot in California,
I need you buff heroes
to invest an extra $10 million
in the deep-fried, all-beef bullet train that is Trump 2020.
What do you say, Sheldon Adelson and Wayne LaPierre?
_
And I spent the last of the NRA's money
buying a second private jet
so my first private jet had another jet to talk to.
But I do everything you ask. I say nothing about guns
and way too much about Jewish people.
_
Please! I can only introduce Giuliani to so many loose women
with huge melons and smoker's lung
before he starts to demand cash.
Bernie's right. If I take money from Wall Street,
I won't be able to look at myself in the rearview mirror
I'm constantly judging the drivers behind me in.
Good for you, honey. As history's shown,
the most honorable candidate always wins.
Wowza, that's a spicy fundraising total.
Just kidding, but really, Bernie Sanders once again
broke his own quarterly fundraising record.
Mama Mia, here he goes again?
Again, just kidding. Sorry.
That's so unfair.
Bernie gets to sit on his high, bedraggled horse
when he never even has to worry about money.
Sure, he has money, but is he happy?
Enough's enough. I'm not going to lose this election
just to maintain my hot husband's respect.
Barack, it's Lizzy Warren.
We're going to Wall Street.
Sorry, I forgot I have to go through
like six assistants to talk to him.
It looks so beautiful from up above
when you can't see the Mexicans.
I can still make 'em out.
Ronald Reagan? You're my favorite president, I'm told.
From one punch-line fear monger
turned dementia-riddled president to another,
California's nothing to fear.
There are just as many racists
and depraved wealthy elites in that state.
How else would I have gotten elected governor
and married ingenue Nancy Reagan,
the sauciest little minx this side of Laurel Canyon?
But my supporters can't see me with Californians.
They have high standards.
Anything less than rolling around like a demented pig,
and they'll leave me.
Just get in and get out undetected,
which coincidentally is what a certain pencil-skirted wildcat
used to yell in my face when we snuck into a closet and...
- La, la, la! Okay, okay. - Oh, boy.
- Enough! I'll go to California. - Oh, that was really fun stuff.
Stevie, thanks for coming with us to California
even though you have a wife, and if she looks
at literally any other man, you're donezo.
Here's the plan... We're going to drop into Silicon Valley,
suck up their tech bucks, and get out before they realize
we've clogged all 70 toilets in their mega-mansion.
The fundraiser will be attended
by these three men of increasingly small genitalia.
Elon Musk.
Mark Zuckerberg.
And Jeff Bezos.
Knew it. Gentlemen, make your peace with God.
The mission... Operation Take The Money From The Money People
And Then We'll Be The Ones Who Have The Money.
We're crossing into Silicon Valley airspace.
Brace yourselves! There are In-N-Out worshipping,
Ayahuasca-slurping pansexuals everywhere.
Give me strength, dear God I only acknowledge on camera.
Welcome to Hell.
Thanks for introducing me to your rich devil friends, Barack.
I just need a couple bucks to get through
the all-important Kansas and Guam primaries,
and then I'm out of the game. Who's the mark?
Bloomberg. $52 billion. Good guy.
Bloomberg? But he's a Wall Street fat cat
who sprays his dirty money all over Washington...
Oh, right, that's why I'm here.
Just be calm and show them you can blend in.
Alright, you rich bastards!
It's your worst nightmare, Elizabeth Frickin' Warren.
If this goes South, tell everyone at Arizona State
I bled maroon and gold until my final breath.
- Welcome! - Welcome!
Quick, use Pompeo as a human shield!
It's what he would've wanted!
Now that you've Netflix and chilled the "F" out,
we're TBH hyped to have you at my Earth headquarters.
Really? I thought you guys wanted to tie my limbs
to four Cybertrucks and floor them in different directions.
We're not really political.
In fact, some might say we're dangerously apolitical.
We're more focused on making the voters' will
as obsolete as the floppy disk
or the employee bathroom break.
We billionaires have to stick together.
Scary times, bruh.
Bruh?
Now that we swept up all that glass,
Liz, you know Michael.
Yes, sorry, it's just
billionaires make me uncharacteristically shaky.
Then don't think of me as a billionaire.
Think of me as a loving father
to 52 billion single dollar bills.
Sure, whatever. Look, I know we're technically opponents,
- but I'm looking to raise... - Say no more, Elizabeth.
If I can't win this race, the least I can do
is use my money to turn you into me.
How much do you need?
Just enough to rent a campaign bus for Kansas.
Oh, and maybe a driver
so I don't have to rehearse my speeches while navigating.
Don't be silly. You're taking my private jet for the weekend.
Now, while you're feeling generous,
it's called Obama-flix Plus,
premium content for a discerning audience.
"If you can dream it, you can stream it."
For the last time, Barack, it's a pass.
So I guess you don't like money. Okay, got it.
Let's get the donations and scram.
The sealant I had my wife put on her eyelids
so she doesn't see other men only lasts so long.
Not sure if you've noticed,
but I'm not in the "other people's concerns" game.
Who knew we had so much in common?
Hey, do you also sidestep labor laws to increase profit margins?
Totally yeet. Have you also called
a diver rescuing a soccer team of little boys a pedophile?
No, but I tweeted that Jane Goodall was a pedophile
after she passive-aggressively praised democracy
in a UN Speech.
Gucci. Hey, FYPS,
you might wanna check your super PAC's Venmo.
$14 million?
So you can run those ads
of Ilhan Omar giving her normal speeches
but with scary music underneath.
Oh! Maybe we can make an app to help you solicit donations.
Friends help each other, according to my friend data.
Miller, you know that secret friendship song we always sing?
Teach it to them, and then forget it.
I was just in Guam earlier today, but now I'm here...
totally rested and refreshed, without the stress
of going through regular airport security.
- Warren! Warren! Warren! - Warren! Warren! Warren!
I'm usually famished post-rally, but on the private plane,
the flight attendant just read my body language
and brought me scrambled eggs.
At this rate, I might lose my stress-induced facial ticks
and actually win this thing.
I don't know, honey. Isn't it wrong to take big money?
But think of all the good I'll do as president.
My plans are so solid,
Senator McConnell will have to get onboard.
You're right. That man is powerless
before a well-reasoned argument.
Bloomberg, baby doll,
Lizzy's open for business.
I've been spending time
with everyday, hard-working Americans,
like farmers and other simpletons.
But you know who else works hard?
Hedge fund managers and high-frequency traders.
So I say we raise up the 99%
while making sure the 1% feels included.
Because 99 plus 1 equals 100.
We want Trump! We want Trump!
Facebook, Google, Twitter,
and now... GRIFTYR.
Here to welcome you aboard this movement,
creator and chief-technology-officer, Don Trump.
A couple of days ago, someone came up to me and said,
"Don, I wish there was a convenient way
to support your legal defense fund, an app, something."
That night, I was tinkering in my garage,
with the old IBM my daddy and I built together,
when it came to me... GRIFTYR.
GRIFTYR is the convenient new app
that allows users to conveniently donate
to Don Trump's legal defense fund conveniently.
With a $30 million
Silicon Valley venture capital cash infusion,
GRIFTYR cannot fail.
Thank you, thank you. Together, we will change
the amount of money in my bank account.
Thanks for letting me borrow these clothes.
I've never worn denim. It's almost as comfortable
as my usual huge, floppy businessman's gown.
Hella good news, Mr. Trump,
GRIFTYR was downloaded 5 million times in the first day.
And because none of the users
even looked at the terms and conditions,
we are legally their next-of-kin.
Clap! Clap! Clap!
Nice presentation, Donald!
I can't believe you'd rather hang out
with the richest men in the world than me,
a 34-year-old in an ageless goblin's body.
What next... you gonna start anally absorbing nutrient paste?
Guys, he still absorbs his nutrient paste orally.
Savage.
- Let's go, cool friends. - Yes, let's continue
to experience each other socially somewhere else.
I'm hoping you two can finally bury the hatchet.
You've sat across from each other for 20 minutes,
and you haven't said a word.
You're both independents... You can talk about that!
You know, Bernie, if I roll around in my sleep enough,
my shirt also gets untucked.
I take it back... This is not worth the free jambalaya.
I know he'll never replace a small dollar donor,
but he can take care of my campaign,
and yours, too, if you'll let him.
What do you say, champ?
He cares about the environment, about gun control...
He cares about Wall Street!!
I am pouring my soup in my pockets
and leaving with my dignity.
Silicon Valley is so great,
I'm thinking of buying some land
and moving my latest wife and TVs out here.
Actually, it might be time you make like
a warehouse-employee- on-an-18-hour-shift's bowels
- and evacuate. - We have to get going
to a global tech conference
for the world's biggest billionaires.
You mind leaving wearing an Ariana Grande mask
so Grimes can get really jealous?
But then no one will see my face
and know that we're best friends.
- Ooh. - Ohh, wow. Such cringe.
You didn't know what this was.
Okay, we all put a lot into appearing like liberal heroes
while secretly puppeteering democracy.
Just because we believe the same things
doesn't mean we can hang out.
Right. Totally.
I just thought you were obsessed with me
because you gave me all those donations.
Oh, that? That's just the amount of money we collectively make
from now to... now.
For sure. Yeah, no, no.
I don't want to be seen with you, either. Gross.
Glad we're on the same page.
Definitely on the same page
because I find you guys embarrassing.
- Yep, same here. - Cool.
So I guess I'll not go hang out
with the richest and most powerful people in history.
Sounds good. So I'm just gonna go ahead
and put this on... and off you go.
Amazon Prime back to your cute, little White House.
Hey, hey! If you're so perfect,
why didn't you remember to line your pockets
with heat-resistant plastic?
Uh, duh, because single-use plastics are the devil's milk!
And I'd rather burn my upper thigh
than be some kind of electable capitalist.
How dare you call me "electable."
You know my plans are just as pie-in-the-sky as yours.
My plans have zero chance of getting through Congress,
and you know it! We are through!
If you'll excuse me, I have to find my campaign bus,
which is just an old Volvo
with the windows duct-taped shut.
I smell stuffed crust, so Pompeo must be nearby.
This place sucks. Let's get out of here.
Oh, did your best friends run out on you?
Well, maybe you can launch a new app called... RUNOUTRR,
for presidents who have been run out upon!
If you must know, they did run out on me.
Maybe you should launch an app called Miller-r
for predicting when presidents get run out upon.
- You still have me, sir. - Jesus, Pompeo,
your breath smells like boiled sauerkraut.
Let's just go back to Washington and forget
that your only friends now are Russian spies
with discount hair plugs.
I'm going back to Washington.
As punishment for not protecting me from my feelings,
you're staying in this sun-kissed hellhole.
You can't leave me here.
This is where my loving parents live!
It's not fair!
I never said it was fair.
I said it was California.
What does that even mean?
Not sure. Sounded right.
With the help of GRIFTYR, we now have enough cash
to keep you out of prison
and forever imprisoned in the White House.
Not Silicon Valley cool,
but I guess there's something to being president.
President is the most powerful position on earth.
No, it's not, Parscale!
You're thinking of tech billionaires.
They wear sunglasses.
They live in California.
- Heard of it? - Yes, I've heard of California.
I'll go back to my president job which devil freak here says
is "the most important job in the world."
"Look at me... I'm starting a nuclear holocaust,
like a government cog in the freaking machine."
Who gives a shit?!
Actually, I'm embarrassed by you guys.
Don't blow up all that money, Mister Trump.
Those billionaires are kidding themselves.
They may praise social responsibility, but deep down,
they're money-hoarding capitalists like you and me.
Then why are they so embarrassed by me?
I could get any chick at Arizona State.
Because it makes them feel good
to fancy themselves as beyond you.
That's why you need to expose them for who they are.
But what if everyone laughs at me?
Everyone laughed at me when I said
we should give money and weapons to Osama Bin Laden,
but my nurses hid the newspapers and assured me I was right.
I'm starting to realize why,
of Nancy's thousands of boyfriends, she chose you.
Speaking of, direct that missile to Clark Gable's estate.
I caught him flirting with the missus.
The whole point is, O-Flix-P is not for everyone,
and that's what makes it special.
Something wrong, Lizzy?
You've barely touched your $800 salmon lump.
I thought I'd always do the right thing,
but now I'm not so sure, and I'm usually pretty vocal
about how sure I am about things.
Just remember, it's what you do in the brief window
before being corrupted by wealth, power,
and the allure of premium-content media moguldom
- that matters. - Thanks, Barack,
and Obama-flix Plus sounds like a great idea.
Uh, yeah. Of fucking course it does.
Bloomberg says
to get to his place right away.
I think it might be a buy this time.
Eeeeeee.
I said get back,
you compassion-ists! Off my parents' gorgeous lawn...
- Oh. Hello, Don. - Don's dead.
Miller, I'm sorry I chose the billionaires over you.
I realize that, while they are cooler than you in every way,
you're probably more racist.
And that's what really matters.
Stevie! Invite in your friend.
- Shut the hell up, Dad! - Will do, sweetie!
Do you see what you've left me with?
They've been shoving ice water and warm blankets
in my face all week.
Stick with me, and you will never be welcome
in your parents' home again.
Dad and Mother, stop reheating the chicken piccata
I threw at the wall last night.
My real dad is taking me home.
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!
Sorry, my natural excretions
left an oil slick in your pool.
Quite a turn out for...
what is this, exactly?
We've all been very proud of your progress, Elizabeth.
There's just one more small sacrifice we need from you.
A 2% wealth tax is a starting offer.
We all know it's going to end up at 0.75%.
It will end at zero, or I burn this country to the ground.
Also, we're ever so slightly more worried
about Bernie's campaign
to install a dystopian socialist state.
Luckily, we're spreading a scintillating rumor
that Bernie performed a bawdy folk music set
at Prince Andrew's birthday party on Epstein's island.
That's insane... No one would ever believe that.
Get to the part where you go all-in on Obama-Flix-Plus!
Ugh. They'll believe it if you hold a press conference
outside his rally tonight saying it's true.
And this shocking, aorta-bursting rumor
will get you elected president by killing...
- Bernie? - ... Bernie's campaign, silly.
Your private jet is idling on Fifth Avenue.
How are we going to get past
Worldcon Tech Leadercon security?
I know how to communicate with these people.
I spent two days seething behind Elon Musk,
and I gathered his speech patterns from observance.
TBH, the tea slaps and is looking like a snarcc.
It must be lit in there, my VSCO girls and e-boys.
This whole me going inside thing is a mood.
Deadass. You kings are going off right now
and looking so fleekly epic.
So wrong answers only, who is screaming right now
and you simply love to see it?
- What? - Wait, you're Stephen Miller,
and I have a conscience.
- Let's kick his ass. - Yeah!
Run, sir!
Yeah! This is where
my Joker tale begins!
And that's when we realized we could colonize other planets.
- Oooooh. - It's just from movies,
you unoriginal bastards!
And if you divide 1% by 1%
and multiply that by 1%...
If you just do what Bloomberg asks,
you'll get elected president,
and then you can do so much good.
I just hoped I could change things.
Hope and change? Where do I know that from?
Is that the name of a Jane Seymour Quibi vehicle?
Don't you get it, you beautiful doof?
I'm still you in 2008... naive, in over my head,
and running an inspiring campaign.
I can't be like you in 2020... wise and realistic.
The numerator... You following along?...
Stop this rally!
Elizabeth, what are you doing here?
Come to throw fancy weighted credit cards at me
like ninja stars?
- Warren, you sellout! - Boo!
Listen! When Wall Street asked me to use a lie
so vicious it would destroy Bernie's campaign...
and maybe even his heart... I thought to myself,
"This isn't why I got into politics."
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. What was that about my heart?
Just a sec. I realized
being corrupted by secret money is a choice,
and it's up to people who have a shred of integrity to...
Wait, you were going to try and kill Bernie Sanders?
That's not the point of the story.
The point is, money is power...
We should call the police.
And we will. Just let me say this one thing.
The only way Democrats will win the White House
is by sticking to our guns
and refusing to take Wall Street money
until the general election!
She's no Danny DeVito, but she's my friend.
It's great to have you back, Liz.
Yeah, hi, 911? This twitchy lady
just tried to kill Bernie Sanders.
Mr. President, who all of us are just meeting for the first time,
- what are you doing here? - We didn't just meet.
We hung out for days. You funded my campaign.
You even said I was the most jacked specimen
you'd ever seen complete four flips on a BMX bike.
Uh-huh. I can't even.
You shouldn't be ashamed of me because you are me...
friggin' in love with money. The only difference is
I don't try to convince the world otherwise
by throwing even a dime to charity.
Heezy's right.
My name is Elon Musk. I'm a billionaire.
My name is Jeff Bezos. I'm a billionaire.
My name is Mark Zuckerberg. I'm a billionaire.
My name is Donald Trump, and don't look into it,
but I'm a billionaire.
Billionaires around the world unite!
♪ We are billionaires ♪
♪ The 0.01% ♪
♪ No more hiding in the shadows ♪
♪ Of our shadow governments ♪
♪ While our politics are different ♪
♪ Our off-shore bank accounts are the same ♪
♪ So let's treat the world economy ♪
- ♪ The world economy ♪ - ♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪
♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪
- ♪ We are billionaires ♪ - ♪ Billionaires ♪
♪ The great-grandchildren of billionaires ♪
♪ Let's stand proud and try our best ♪
♪ To lower the minimum wage ♪
Wow, is there anything we can't do?
Hey, who's gonna stop us?
See you guys in our garish bunkers at the end of the world.
I'll bring the colon paste.
Actually, I'll be on Mars.
But... cool.
Pass the Fritos, Liz!
You got it, Bernie.
I'm so glad to be away from Bloomberg's sky palace
and back in this drafty office where I belong.
I'm sorry my supporters chased you through the streets.
Nice guys, but a little intense.
Yeah, my small-dollar donors aren't too bad, either.
I will say, though, Bloomberg made
some pretty persuasive arguments
for gutting Medicare For All.
Good luck with that.
Trump!