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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Welcome to tonight's town hall
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at the National Constitution
Center in Philadelphia.
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- I'm George Stephanopoulos,
- _
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and when I worked for Bill Clinton,
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he was an incorruptible angel.
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Tonight, somehow-undecided voters
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will question President Trump
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about the issues that matter most.
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Ladies and gentlemen, if
you're not sure who to vote for,
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remember how much fun
you have at horror movies.
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I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've climbed K3,
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- a secret mountain for the uber wealthy.
- _
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I'm joined tonight by
Vice President Joe Biden,
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who is here to address Rust Belt voters,
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because the fate of democracy
somehow depends on
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14 Pennsylvania moms named Terri.
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Turns out I'm America's last hope!
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Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great!
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I didn't sniff one widow's
nape at the 9/11 event.
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Could you have done
more to stop COVID-19?
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Ugh! Are we still talking about COVID?
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That was last month's genocide.
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Hello! You can't see the sky anymore!
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And another thing...
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on the trail, I'm gonna
say "end climate change".
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But I do not mean it.
I love gas engines!
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Why won't you acknowledge
that this country
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has a race problem?
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Hey, did you folks see
Wheel of Fortune is back?
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Just say the words "race" and "problem".
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That Vanna's still got it!
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Now, if there's one thing
President Trump and I agree on,
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it's these protester so-and-so's
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are causing all sorts of
ruckus, and, you know...
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While exercising their
First Amendment right
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to peaceably assemble,
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and that's all we have
to say on that matter.
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Joe, there's a big lady outside
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who's pouring beers with her underboob!
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Quick! Get me three
camcorders and a lighting rig!
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How 'bout those ICE guys?
Pretty nutso, right?
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Sure, there are some negative nellies
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who say forced sterilization
is unconstitutional,
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but I say...
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Oh, God!
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That better be from the gift shop.
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Is the gift shop behind ten
inches of bulletproof glass?
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Joe! Stop!
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Stop doing that. Vice Pre... Joe! Stop!
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Joe, you are not a car!
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Everyone's complaining
about these hurricanes
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or, as I call them, free water parks!
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Look, you don't change horses midstream,
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even if the stream is lava
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and the horse is melted
down to its eye sockets.
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When we come back, the President
blames all the nation's problems
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on people who are not
currently the President.
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Aw, man!
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How am I supposed to sniff
a lady's hair in this thing?
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I'm Anderson Cooper, and I absorbed 60%
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of Princess Diana's household staff.
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- Tonight, we take a look back
- _
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at the Democratic National Convention,
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where top-ranking party members
made their voices heard.
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- I support Joe Biden for president.
- _
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- Joe Biden.
- Joe Biden!
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Joe... I don't even mind that
he was adamantly against
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gay marriage 12 years ago... Biden.
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I support Joe Biden... almost as much
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as I support Medicare For All.
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Senator Sanders' remarks received
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a tepid response from party insiders,
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but a roar of approval
from online supporters.
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And now that he's safely
out of the running,
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I think we can all agree
that Bernie Sanders
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has totally transformed
the Democratic Party forever
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by dragging it kicking
and screaming to the left.
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Oh, and Joe Biden
is the official nominee.
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Hey, Jill! They said my name on the TV!
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Sure, Joe. Almost as much
as they said Bernie's.
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Hold on. Now, how come they're
saying his name when I'm the guy
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who won the rigged
primary fair and square?
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Exactly! This should
be your moment, not his.
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Bernie's not like the
other candidates, Joe.
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He has some weird desire
to speak about the issues,
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even when it won't benefit
him in any discernible way.
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Now, that's whacky-dacky!
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Trying to modernize
my slang, Jill. Ya dig?
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I'm just saying, it'd be nice
if Bernie could take a backseat
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and let you become
the face of the party.
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I'm not too worried. Everyone
knows I'm the face of the party.
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Coming up, we meet a woman
so inspired by Bernie Sanders
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she named her firstborn
child "77% Estate Tax".
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God, Eric!
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I am up to my ass's ass telling voters
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that sending gun pics
to liberals cures COVID.
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It's been weeks since
I've seen you long enough
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to punch you lovingly in the dick!
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Laying people off from the Trump Org
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has become my full-time job!
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COVID-19 is tearing our
brotherly asses apart!
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I wish some science freak
would find the cure already
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so we can rent that houseboat
to have our first annual
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houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party! Oy, oy!
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If we don't have that party,
it'll be like we bought
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matching sailor suits for nothing!
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They weren't matching!
I bought mine first!
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As I was saying, I'm
totally open to any feedback
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in regards to my day-to-day.
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Oh. Sorry. You're fired.
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Your health insurance ends... now.
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Now get the eff outta here!
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Joe really appreciates what you're doing
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for his campaign, Beau Bridges.
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Big Stargate fan, by the way.
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Love how it draws from both
Norse and Greek mytholo...
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Okay. I-I'll let you get back to it.
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We're up 200 thou in donations,
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and it's not even "healthy
morning snack" time yet.
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I, in a sense, rock.
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Do you think Bernie's
stealing my moment?
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- Not exactly... ?
- You do! I knew it!
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It's just that your moment
is, uh, a collective action.
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Undertaken by many, many
people, including Bernie.
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But I should be the face
of the Democratic Party,
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and Bernie keeps shoving
his face over mine!
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I spent a lot of money on this face,
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and I wanna show it off!
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Look, Joe. I've got carpal tunnel
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from dialing donors all day,
and I can't keep saying
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the call is cutting out when
they bring up Tara Reade.
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Making peace with Bernie and courting
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his small-dollar donors
could be a good thing.
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I could even facilitate a
tête-à-tête between you two.
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He should be wanting to
TED Talk with me,
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not the other way around!
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Ah, forget it, Barack. I'm sure
the party will Band-Aid over
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its irresolvable
differences like always.
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Made it through another unaired presser.
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Maybe next time, Trump
will let the camera guy
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take the lens cap off.
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- Oh, Dr. Fauci! Dr. Fauci!
- Here, here! Dr. Fauci!
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Dr. Fauci! I said it first!
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Again, boys, jock itch is not a symptom.
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How long would it take
us to cure coronavirus
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and still have time to rent
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an inflatable AR-15-shaped
pool float for a sick-ass
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houseboat-sex-and-drinking
party?! Oy, oy!
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Vaccines can take years to develop
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before they're even brought to market.
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Oh, we know all about bringing
products prematurely to market.
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Unless you have a research
lab at your disposal,
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I don't see how it's possible.
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to hose off the letter "Q"
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someone defecated onto my RAV4.
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Ugh! That was our last
chance to cure the disease!
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But it was the first thing we tried.
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Bernie troubles?
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You've come to the right place, sister.
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Don't get me wrong. I appreciate
all the thankless hours
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he spends on the campaign trail...
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it on my juice.
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Bernie will always find a
way to steal my spotlight.
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Uh, your spotlight.
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Barack thinks I should
talk to him about it.
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Pfft! Next he's gonna tell you
to take the fall for Benghazi!
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If you want my advice,
leave them both in the dust
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and... who knows... maybe
you'll find a surrogate
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sitting in plain sight.
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Because why play Pokémon Go...
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when you can Pokémon
Joe Biden to the polls!
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And that's just off the top of my head.
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Eric, I told you that whenever
you get a new bandana,
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you can just show it to
me like a normal person!
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Surprise!
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It's our old childhood
penthouse basement!
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And it's still full of all the stuff
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we made one of our moms buy us
after we watched Weird Science!
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We never did make a girl.
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But you did cure my hiccups!
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I had a scientific breakthrough
to hit you with the hammer!
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And my insomnia! Remember
how you cured that?
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- I hit you with this book!
- Let's do it again!
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You can be Dr. Don,
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and I'll be your trusty lab rat, Eric.
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Together, we'll cure coronavirus!
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I promised myself I'd
never do science again
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after realizing I could
jack off in the shower,
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but these are unprecedented times.
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Come here, lab rat!
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See? No herkups! It's warking, Daern!
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Barack, I thought about it,
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and I don't want to be
like Hillary after all.
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She ordered a basket of deplorables,
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and when the waiter didn't
laugh, she slapped him!
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I'll call Bernie
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and arrange this tête-à-tête tout suite.
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Do you really think I
can get through to him?
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Of course! You are the king
of reaching across the aisle.
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Remember Strom?
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Reaching across the aisle to make peace
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with a segregationist
Dixie-crat is one thing,
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but a guy who wants sick
people to be given medicine?
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We have nothing in common.
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Just be like me... firm,
officious, dignified,
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humble yet proud,
fair, judicious, kind...
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Bored! Just say you'll have my back.
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- I always do.
- Okay, let's do it!
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If I can work with Jesse Helms
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to keep those kids off those buses,
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well, surely I can talk
to Bernie Sanders!
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Uh, thank you both for being here today.
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"The journey of a thousand miles
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begins with a single step". Lao-Tzu.
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I thought this was a
Green New Deal summit.
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Where is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?
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The Green New who?
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I'm the mean "Green", buck-o,
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and the "New Deal" is what I say goes!
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I'm tired.
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Bernie, the real reason we're here today
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is so that you and Joe
can heal your differences.
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And so I can become the
face of the Democratic Party
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once and for all!
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I'm not stopping him
from being the face!
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The people just prefer
my face to be the face!
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Enough talk! It's time
to run at each other
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waving really heavy public trash cans!
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- Huuuuah!
- Calm down, fellas.
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Let's start with something easy.
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I want you each to say one nice
thing about the other person.
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Bernie?
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Joe, when you're around.
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there's never an uncomfortable silence.
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Or a comfortable one.
Any silence, really.
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Your turn, Joe.
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You're good at talking
to the youth voters,
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the spoiled ones who
spend all their money
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on avocado-toast lattes
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00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,101
instead of sacking up and
going off to fight in Korea!
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- Great job, Joe.
- Great job?
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00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,313
He gets a "great job" and I get bupkus?
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Playing favorites again, Barack,
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just like you did in the primary!
246
00:09:28,991 --> 00:09:30,395
Look, I just did what needed doing.
247
00:09:30,397 --> 00:09:32,236
When Jamie Dimon calls, I listen.
248
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,361
Now we're all fightin'!
249
00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:36,062
I feel like an interracial
lifeguard again!
250
00:09:36,064 --> 00:09:38,297
We have to be
scientific about this, Eric!
251
00:09:38,299 --> 00:09:41,200
Let's try the proven method
to cure coronavirus first.
252
00:09:41,202 --> 00:09:43,035
Open up.
253
00:09:43,037 --> 00:09:45,171
- How do you feel?
- Like a bathroom.
254
00:09:45,173 --> 00:09:47,919
Okay. Subject feels like a bathroom.
255
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,420
Do you have any poison back there
256
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,292
that tastes like noodles and butter?
257
00:09:51,294 --> 00:09:54,217
Subject is talking back to
doctor like a total beeyotch.
258
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,849
Could be a symptom of coronavirus.
259
00:09:55,851 --> 00:09:57,283
Further testing needed.
260
00:10:10,698 --> 00:10:12,698
That's everything
from the supply closet.
261
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:15,071
- How do you feel?
- Actually pretty good!
262
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:18,136
I think the lighter fluid
canceled out the hand sanitizer
263
00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:19,805
which canceled out the motor oil.
264
00:10:19,807 --> 00:10:21,773
Eric, shut up! That's it!
265
00:10:21,775 --> 00:10:24,943
All of these forces combined
make the perfect cure!
266
00:10:24,945 --> 00:10:28,292
Last question. Do you have coronavirus?
267
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,749
- No?
- Urethra!
268
00:10:30,751 --> 00:10:33,591
My movement could run
laps around your movement!
269
00:10:33,593 --> 00:10:36,421
Dup-dup! Maybe in 2008,
but times have changed!
270
00:10:36,423 --> 00:10:38,856
With a single tweet, I
could have this forest
271
00:10:38,858 --> 00:10:40,925
swarming with unshaven podcasters!
272
00:10:40,927 --> 00:10:43,361
At least I won the
nomination on my first try!
273
00:10:43,363 --> 00:10:44,764
Hey! Look at me! Look at me!
274
00:10:44,766 --> 00:10:47,999
I'm thinking about swapping
out Kamala for John Kasich!
275
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,106
You'll never have what I had, Bernie.
276
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,106
Step aside so the true face of the party
277
00:10:52,108 --> 00:10:53,473
can assume his rightful place.
278
00:10:53,475 --> 00:10:56,241
Now you're talking, Barack!
Wait. My face or your face?
279
00:10:56,243 --> 00:10:59,444
How's Guantanamo this time
of year, Barack? Still open?
280
00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:00,745
How is your third house?!
281
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,175
You have three way bigger houses!
282
00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:05,663
Maaaaalarkey! Enough!
283
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,815
It's time for you two
to kiss and make up
284
00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,083
like a coupla fruits.
285
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,086
Nothin' wrong with that, by the way.
286
00:11:10,088 --> 00:11:11,622
- But, but, but...
- I said sit!
287
00:11:11,624 --> 00:11:14,964
Buncha screaming guys. Can't
even hear myself scream!
288
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,425
Now it's my turn to be in charge here!
289
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,368
Do the thing where you say a nice thing
290
00:11:19,370 --> 00:11:20,469
about the other fella.
291
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,800
Bernie. You've inspired millions.
292
00:11:22,802 --> 00:11:25,766
You too, Barack. Lotta
inspiration there.
293
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,269
See? That's how you
reach across the aisle.
294
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,972
Now take a deep whiff
of each other's hair.
295
00:11:30,974 --> 00:11:33,441
In conclusion, this vaccine is
296
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:36,250
a once-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity
297
00:11:36,252 --> 00:11:39,530
for those seeking to make major
scratch off a biblical plague.
298
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,948
Plus, if you take the vaccine
yourself, you'll live forever!
299
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:46,362
So, how many millions of units
can we sign you up for?
300
00:11:46,364 --> 00:11:48,206
This vaccine doesn't exactly fit
301
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,726
with the Tesla Corp business model.
302
00:11:49,728 --> 00:11:52,902
Do you have any boxy cars
or big holes in the ground?
303
00:11:52,904 --> 00:11:54,503
No, and stop asking!
304
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,833
Then it's a no from me,
dawg. Sorry to this man.
305
00:11:56,835 --> 00:11:59,008
Well, Don, back to the drawing board!
306
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,470
Maybe you can cure my plantar
warts with some paint thinner.
307
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,138
No way, lab rat ass rat!
308
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,574
We're selling this shit
so we can throw a rockin'
309
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,599
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party!
310
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:10,780
- Rockin' out! Oh, yeah!
- But we were finally spending
311
00:12:10,782 --> 00:12:12,772
- quality time together.
- Oy, oy!
312
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:15,566
Just let it out, fellas.
313
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,818
They say they want change,
314
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,977
but when you give it to
them, what do they say?
315
00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,906
I should have been a
Supreme Court Justice.
316
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:25,627
You devote your whole life to
the public good, and for what?
317
00:12:25,629 --> 00:12:27,745
For a KFC-huffing casino failure
318
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,996
to level everything you built
319
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,082
and let a bunch of
bazooka-toting gout patients
320
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,376
stomp all over it in
their camo-print Crocs?
321
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,253
See? You folks are the same sort of
322
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,588
weepy do-gooder dweebs after all.
323
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,840
- Honestly, I needed this.
- Me too.
324
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,226
Now can we all agree to make
nice and let me be the face?
325
00:12:43,228 --> 00:12:44,994
I'm cool with it if
Bernie's cool with it.
326
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,463
- Yeah, okay, sure. Fine.
- Yahoo!
327
00:12:47,465 --> 00:12:50,033
I'm prouder than when Hunter
called me up from Ukraine
328
00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:52,168
and said, "Dad, I got the job!"
329
00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:54,304
Hey, Dr. Don.
330
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:58,207
What do you think will happen
if I lick this hot curling iron?
331
00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:00,876
Shut up, Eric! I told you the R&D phase
332
00:13:00,878 --> 00:13:02,945
of Doctor Don Incorporated is over!
333
00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:06,092
Now we are in the GP phase!
That stands for "Get Paid",
334
00:13:06,094 --> 00:13:09,245
and I just made it up, so
please congratulate me already!
335
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,853
- Congratu...
- Shut up, Eric!
336
00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:13,121
I'm trying to think of
a way to rope sick people
337
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:16,460
desperate for a sliver of
hope into buying this thing!
338
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,546
Whoa! I wanna buy that thing!
339
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:21,830
I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow.
340
00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:25,376
Is your pillow mushy and damp
from all your nosebleeds?
341
00:13:25,378 --> 00:13:27,346
Do you have bad sleep habits
342
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,432
like waking up every 12 minutes
343
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,700
to swing a blade in
the air at the vagrant
344
00:13:31,702 --> 00:13:34,972
trying to steal the coat hanger
you use as a hairbrush?
345
00:13:34,974 --> 00:13:37,239
Try sleeping on MyPillow.
346
00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:39,028
That's it! That's the answer!
347
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:42,211
We gotta get Mike Lindell
out of that TV and in on this!
348
00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:45,448
I thought this was sort
of a two-man operation.
349
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,649
If he can sell millions
of dumb MyPillows,
350
00:13:47,651 --> 00:13:50,386
imagine what he can do
for our dumb vaccine.
351
00:13:50,388 --> 00:13:52,521
Somebody say MyPillow?!
352
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,961
Welcome back to Meet the Press.
353
00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,629
I'm Chuck Todd, and joining
me are the two biggest names
354
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,924
in Democratic politics...
Bernie Sanders and Barack Obama.
355
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,733
And I'd also like to
throw my name in the ring.
356
00:14:05,735 --> 00:14:07,845
Just kidding. Unl... Well, unless... ?
357
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,504
- I-I don't know. Maybe.
- Thanks for having us, Chuck.
358
00:14:09,506 --> 00:14:11,807
Barack and I have decided to join forces
359
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,308
on a nationwide speaking tour
360
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,376
for the 2020 Democratic
presidential candidate.
361
00:14:15,378 --> 00:14:16,812
That's me!
362
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,346
Why am I at the little table again?
363
00:14:18,348 --> 00:14:20,701
Sorry, Mr. Vice President.
It was a tight fit,
364
00:14:20,703 --> 00:14:22,568
and I wanted these
two titans of democracy
365
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,419
within high-five distance.
You understand.
366
00:14:24,421 --> 00:14:26,214
Fine, but just tell your niece
367
00:14:26,216 --> 00:14:27,817
she's hogging all the elbow space!
368
00:14:27,819 --> 00:14:30,286
Annabelle, you heard the Vice
President. Make some room.
369
00:14:31,569 --> 00:14:34,573
- Hi. I'm Mike Lindell and...
- _
370
00:14:34,575 --> 00:14:36,957
And I am Mist... Doctor Don!
371
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,267
This is my lab rat,
Eric. He is very sick.
372
00:14:40,269 --> 00:14:42,229
I'm at the end of my rope.
373
00:14:42,231 --> 00:14:44,037
Take this. Take it, Eric!
374
00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:47,040
What Don Jr. is feeding
his rat friend there
375
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:49,985
- is MyCOVIDVaccine.
- By Doctor Don!
376
00:14:49,987 --> 00:14:54,214
Unlike other vaccines promising
to give you coronavirus,
377
00:14:54,216 --> 00:14:58,511
MyCOVIDVaccine doesn't
promise to give you coronavirus.
378
00:14:58,513 --> 00:15:00,314
How do you feel, rat boy?
379
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,555
Much better!
380
00:15:01,557 --> 00:15:04,258
Tits out for the rat boy!
381
00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,126
They loved the shit out of that vaccine!
382
00:15:06,128 --> 00:15:09,163
I always knew we had something
special down in that basement,
383
00:15:09,165 --> 00:15:11,197
even when I was coughing up blood!
384
00:15:11,199 --> 00:15:14,912
I haven't moved product that
fast since my dealer Slice
385
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,705
let me sell to all the raccoons
386
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,638
that were living in
my burned-out minivan!
387
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,372
Wait. What the shit is this?!
388
00:15:22,374 --> 00:15:24,964
Where's my face? Where's my name?!
389
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,396
I ran the infomercial
by a few focus groups,
390
00:15:28,398 --> 00:15:31,006
and it turns out MyCOVIDVaccine
391
00:15:31,008 --> 00:15:33,013
sells much better with your likeness
392
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,932
completely removed from the product.
393
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,158
But the consumers go nuts for Eric.
394
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,060
Oh, wow! I bet it's because
395
00:15:40,062 --> 00:15:42,062
people naturally feel bad for me.
396
00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:45,276
But what about me?!
What am I supposed to do,
397
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,166
pour bleach down my own throat?!
398
00:15:47,168 --> 00:15:49,902
Now you have more time
to plan your first annual
399
00:15:49,904 --> 00:15:52,005
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party.
400
00:15:52,007 --> 00:15:55,369
Oh, yeah. I forgot that's why
we're doing this whole thing.
401
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,704
For that party. Not
for... hanging out. Eh...
402
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,707
I probably won't be able to make it
403
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,904
thanks to my new infomercial schedule,
404
00:16:01,906 --> 00:16:05,775
but you can put my sailor
suit on a starfish if you want!
405
00:16:07,522 --> 00:16:10,389
_
406
00:16:11,710 --> 00:16:13,710
_
407
00:16:15,362 --> 00:16:17,363
_
408
00:16:17,365 --> 00:16:21,199
_
409
00:16:21,201 --> 00:16:23,355
Hey, man. I'm late for my gig.
410
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,802
Think I can come in through the back?
411
00:16:24,804 --> 00:16:25,986
- Name?
- Joe Biden.
412
00:16:25,988 --> 00:16:27,613
Sorry, boss. You're not on the list.
413
00:16:27,615 --> 00:16:29,990
This is the VIP entrance.
Check general admission.
414
00:16:29,992 --> 00:16:31,493
I don't need to be on the list.
415
00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:33,797
My name's up there on the marquee. See?
416
00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:35,765
I didn't bring my reading glasses.
417
00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:42,760
There you are! I've been
waiting for like a million hours!
418
00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:45,797
Sorry. Mike Lindell wanted
me to contour my face
419
00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:48,533
a little bit to play up
the rodentine features.
420
00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:50,200
I thought R&D was over.
421
00:16:50,202 --> 00:16:51,436
Well, it's back on!
422
00:16:51,438 --> 00:16:53,437
I thought it would be a good idea
423
00:16:53,439 --> 00:16:54,971
to think of some more vaccines.
424
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,056
Just for us. No Lindell!
425
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,143
I'll have to make sure our hang sesh
426
00:16:59,145 --> 00:17:01,447
doesn't conflict with
my legal proceedings.
427
00:17:01,449 --> 00:17:03,900
- What the shit?!
- Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
428
00:17:03,902 --> 00:17:06,382
I'm being sued. A class-action!
429
00:17:06,384 --> 00:17:08,251
Eric, you're being sued
430
00:17:08,253 --> 00:17:10,487
for the wrongful death of thousands?!
431
00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:14,865
Turns out MyCOVIDVaccine is
actually worse than coronavirus.
432
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,226
Even holding the bottle can be fatal.
433
00:17:17,228 --> 00:17:19,162
This is so not fair!
434
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,565
Those wrongful deaths should be mine!
435
00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:25,000
We did this together, and I'm
not even named in the suit!
436
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,635
You're the one that wanted to take
437
00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:29,964
our brother-science
operation out of the basement.
438
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,242
I was perfectly fine ingesting
chemicals just the two of us.
439
00:17:33,244 --> 00:17:35,052
W-Well, are you free to ingest some now?
440
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,479
I could squeeze the meat out
of an old Incredible Hulk doll.
441
00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:40,282
I gotta meet up with Rudy
Giuliani for my trial.
442
00:17:40,284 --> 00:17:42,817
He's, like, the only lawyer
that'll come near our family.
443
00:17:42,819 --> 00:17:45,420
I should be on trial
for those deaths, too!
444
00:17:45,422 --> 00:17:49,324
It should be me! Not
stupid brother Eric!
445
00:17:49,326 --> 00:17:51,902
Hello, Wisconsin!
446
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,446
Thank you for being here
tonight in honor of the most
447
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,830
important face in the room...
448
00:17:55,832 --> 00:17:58,400
- Joe Biden!
- Joe Biden!
449
00:17:58,402 --> 00:18:00,202
That ain't my face!
450
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,836
- 5, 6, 7, 8, hit it!
- Ladies and gentlemen!
451
00:18:01,838 --> 00:18:03,407
In celebration of Joe
Biden's campaign...
452
00:18:03,409 --> 00:18:06,273
Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders!
453
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,243
I think healthcare should be free.
454
00:18:09,245 --> 00:18:11,345
And I think it should be
public and private, too.
455
00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:13,395
- How's that gonna work?
- It's been workin'.
456
00:18:13,397 --> 00:18:14,595
Yeah, whatever!
457
00:18:14,597 --> 00:18:16,641
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
458
00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,920
♪ We're both the same shade of blue ♪
459
00:18:20,524 --> 00:18:22,516
You know, I repealed
"don't ask, don't tell".
460
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,192
Yeah, I think I wanted
to do that in, uh, 1992.
461
00:18:25,194 --> 00:18:26,594
Hey, who's countin'?
462
00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,730
- I'm countin', I'm countin'!
- Yeah, whatever.
463
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,431
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
464
00:18:30,433 --> 00:18:34,402
♪ We're the two top dogs of blue ♪
465
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:37,605
You know, people wonder
how a democratic centrist...
466
00:18:37,607 --> 00:18:39,640
And a democratic socialist...
467
00:18:39,642 --> 00:18:42,576
♪ Can find some common ground ♪
468
00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:44,788
♪ Well, with our mutual admiration ♪
469
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,647
♪ For the late John McCain ♪
470
00:18:46,649 --> 00:18:49,583
♪ There's commonality to be found ♪
471
00:18:49,585 --> 00:18:51,851
Hey, Barack, when are we
gonna close Guantanamo?
472
00:18:51,853 --> 00:18:53,422
Uh, soon enough. I'm working on it.
473
00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,007
Soon enough? Yeah, I
won't wait up for dinner.
474
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,009
- Hey, it's complicated!
- Oh, sure.
475
00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:58,969
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
476
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,728
♪ We're both the same shade of ♪
477
00:19:03,365 --> 00:19:04,531
♪ Blue ♪
478
00:19:08,437 --> 00:19:10,135
Eric, how do you feel about having
479
00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:11,416
so much blood on your hands?
480
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,651
- Um...
- And isn't some other badass guy
481
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,653
also responsible for those deaths, too?!
482
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,349
My client has no further comments,
483
00:19:17,351 --> 00:19:18,656
except to say that his lawyer
484
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,599
has a reservation tonight
at the Rusty Scupper.
485
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:24,183
If any ladies are interested,
show up with a pink carnation
486
00:19:24,185 --> 00:19:26,641
in between your honkers so I
know you're down to get gross.
487
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:28,078
Look at me, lab rat!
488
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,456
Look at me!
489
00:19:30,458 --> 00:19:32,378
♪ I'm down here ♪
490
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,129
♪ And you're up here ♪
491
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,884
♪ But you need to be here ♪
492
00:19:35,886 --> 00:19:39,051
♪ Actually I need to be here ♪
493
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,720
Hey! Why did you make
me a big rusty sign?
494
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:44,915
Signs can't be president!
They got no grit, no know-how!
495
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,558
Joe! I didn't realize
you were coming tonight.
496
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,206
I would've left tickets
for you at will call.
497
00:19:48,208 --> 00:19:50,390
This is my dang speaking tour!
498
00:19:50,392 --> 00:19:52,773
Of course it is. And
you did such a good job
499
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,539
bringing us headliners
together, we thought
500
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,111
it might be nice for you to
sit back and enjoy the show.
501
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,516
From the comfort of your basement
502
00:19:58,518 --> 00:20:00,280
as you stain the wallpaper yellow
503
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,453
just by hanging out in
the same room too much.
504
00:20:02,455 --> 00:20:05,389
But I should be up there! I'm the face!
505
00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:08,080
Unless... I'm the ass?!
506
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,290
Just for a little while.
Until you're elected president.
507
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,330
And then you can be the face
on nights and weekends.
508
00:20:12,332 --> 00:20:13,711
Aw, who needs you two!
509
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,680
I'm going on my own speaking tour,
510
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,298
organized and planned
by me and me alone!
511
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,550
My name in lights!
512
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,919
A gal in a headset
screaming, "Five minutes!"
513
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:25,189
Big ol' tray of deli meat in
the back. Just you wait and see!
514
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,558
Now someone just tell me
how do I send an e-mail.
515
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,728
- Hey, Bailey! Nice to see ya!
- _
516
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,865
I'm glad your mom, Liz Warren,
let you join me here tonight.
517
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,668
A one, and a two, and a one-two-three.
518
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,703
♪ I say how do you do ♪
519
00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,438
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
520
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,075
♪ But one thing is we both hate fleas! ♪
521
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,545
Hey! I'm headlinin' here!
522
00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:51,515
Despite the drink in my hand
and the houseboat underfoot,
523
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:53,617
this party somehow sucks ass.
524
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:56,986
Your bad mood is a major
mood, and it is so not a mood.
525
00:20:56,988 --> 00:20:59,989
We should be celebrating
my scientific genius,
526
00:20:59,991 --> 00:21:02,558
but now there's no vaccine, no Eric...
527
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,528
and, actually, where is
all the freaking sex?!
528
00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:08,724
Real talk... when I invited
a bunch of girls to a party
529
00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:10,194
in the midst of a global pandemic,
530
00:21:10,196 --> 00:21:11,852
they threw high-key shade at me.
531
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,187
Even Kanye said no,
and that guy said yes
532
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,504
to slandering Harriet Tubman.
533
00:21:15,506 --> 00:21:17,141
So no one's even coming?
534
00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:20,443
Everyone else is too lame
sauce to even take the red pill,
535
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:24,400
including my newborn birth child
who also RSVP'd "no" to me.
536
00:21:24,402 --> 00:21:25,915
Can you believe the rebellion?
537
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,243
Maybe we could just do experiments
538
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,518
on each other instead?
539
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,205
I found some toilet cleaner below deck!
540
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:33,856
Let me feed it to you
and see what happens!
541
00:21:33,858 --> 00:21:35,992
Sir, this is a Wendy's!
542
00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:38,128
It's like I'm not even there, Hillary!
543
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,797
It's some rusty sign instead.
I can't compete with that!
544
00:21:41,799 --> 00:21:42,898
They're ignoring you?
545
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:44,586
- Pfft. Lucky.
- What do you mean?
546
00:21:44,588 --> 00:21:47,095
No attention is better
than outright disgust.
547
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,037
My surrogates actively hated me.
548
00:21:49,039 --> 00:21:51,540
You should see some of
the vile text messages
549
00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:54,189
- I got from Katy Perry.
- I guess that's that.
550
00:21:54,191 --> 00:21:57,580
Barack and Bernie are the
faces, and I'm just the ass.
551
00:21:57,582 --> 00:22:00,442
Oh, boo hoo. A Black
guy and a Jewish guy
552
00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:03,320
are doing all the leg work
for the old, toothy white guy.
553
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,948
Joe, don't you realize
how easy you have it?
554
00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:08,075
You've got the veneer of progress
555
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,244
without having to go out there yourself
556
00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:12,830
and say things like,
"Democracy is real",
557
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,107
and, "Cops need to cool it".
558
00:22:14,109 --> 00:22:17,420
Hey, let's not demonize
lots and lots of bad apples.
559
00:22:17,422 --> 00:22:20,084
Just be the vacant, smiling face
560
00:22:20,086 --> 00:22:22,570
propped up by the
sweaty, hardworking ones.
561
00:22:22,572 --> 00:22:23,972
Piece of cake.
562
00:22:23,974 --> 00:22:27,943
Vacant smile? Me? Well,
I guess I could try.
563
00:22:27,945 --> 00:22:29,888
I am not guilty
564
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,849
of the crimes set before me.
565
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,642
I could have cured those hiccups...
566
00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,083
back when things were simpler.
567
00:22:35,085 --> 00:22:37,980
Once you go corporate, the fun
of inventing boxy deathtraps
568
00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,356
flies out the window.
569
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,196
Just like most of your human passengers.
570
00:22:41,198 --> 00:22:43,133
Next thing you know,
everybody's asking you
571
00:22:43,135 --> 00:22:45,593
for a rocket that, like,
won't even explode.
572
00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:48,156
- Very much not gang-gang.
- So true.
573
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,701
Making Eric drink all those
chemicals in the basement,
574
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:52,411
and then writing down what happened...
575
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:55,603
those were the best
moments of my entire life!
576
00:22:55,605 --> 00:22:59,304
I was just too blinded by profit
and houseboat sex to see it.
577
00:22:59,306 --> 00:23:00,883
Yeah. Okay, boomer!
578
00:23:00,885 --> 00:23:02,254
Now you understand what it's like
579
00:23:02,256 --> 00:23:04,935
to be a misunderstood
genius like c'est moi.
580
00:23:04,937 --> 00:23:06,304
Just for the record,
581
00:23:06,306 --> 00:23:08,927
this whole thing wasn't
entirely my idea.
582
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:12,686
My brother Don Jr. also
has blood on his hands.
583
00:23:12,688 --> 00:23:15,489
Aww! Lab rat ass...
584
00:23:22,765 --> 00:23:25,979
Hey, folks! Just wanted
to drop off this basket
585
00:23:25,981 --> 00:23:28,688
as a "thank you" for all
your hard work out there.
586
00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:29,990
I don't deserve it.
587
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,472
Barack and I are no longer speaking.
588
00:23:31,474 --> 00:23:33,412
Thank you for the basket.
Please put the Vermont cheddar
589
00:23:33,414 --> 00:23:35,551
- on my vanity.
- What if I want the Vermont cheddar?
590
00:23:35,553 --> 00:23:37,900
I thought you two were bosom buddies!
591
00:23:37,902 --> 00:23:39,291
Singin' and dancin' together
592
00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:41,702
like it was Bandstand
after they integrated.
593
00:23:41,704 --> 00:23:44,463
Your friend over here
insisted on top billing,
594
00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:48,300
even though I was routinely
bringing in the 18-to-25 demo!
595
00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:51,261
Oh, you mean the demo that
never votes? Big accomplishment.
596
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,139
Just because the DNC decided to sideline
597
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:57,291
its first true revolutionary
candidate in a generation!
598
00:23:57,293 --> 00:24:00,228
Maybe the DNC didn't want to
gamble on a fringe candidate.
599
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,590
Oh, because that totally blew up
in Republicans' faces in 2016.
600
00:24:04,592 --> 00:24:07,184
Not! It had the opposite effect!
601
00:24:07,186 --> 00:24:09,154
Fine. If you two can't get along,
602
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,990
I guess I'll have to be the
face of this party after all.
603
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:14,393
I just hope they like
my Cosby impression!
604
00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:19,031
Eat the steel wool,
Dr. Don. For science.
605
00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:21,400
Okay, it's not so b... Aarrgh!
606
00:24:21,402 --> 00:24:24,136
Patient feels like absolute dog ass!
607
00:24:24,138 --> 00:24:27,405
Doctor feels same. Could
these two things be connected?
608
00:24:27,407 --> 00:24:28,907
Further testing required.
609
00:24:28,909 --> 00:24:31,443
Is there steel wool for one more?
610
00:24:31,445 --> 00:24:33,511
Eric! I thought you were in jail!
611
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,346
They let me out on bail!
612
00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:37,916
Apparently they don't
consider me a flight risk
613
00:24:37,918 --> 00:24:40,384
because I don't know how to
walk through a metal detector.
614
00:24:40,386 --> 00:24:41,773
Sorry about before.
615
00:24:41,775 --> 00:24:43,609
I was just jealous that you got to be
616
00:24:43,611 --> 00:24:46,780
the face of pharmaceutical
malfeasance without me.
617
00:24:46,782 --> 00:24:48,363
Apology accepted!
618
00:24:48,365 --> 00:24:51,734
Next time, we'll be up on
that witness stand together.
619
00:24:51,736 --> 00:24:54,103
Scientist-brothers again?
620
00:24:55,112 --> 00:24:59,114
Now open up. This Incredible
Hulk meat won't eat itself.
621
00:25:03,141 --> 00:25:05,776
Ugh! Come on! Another warm-up act?
622
00:25:05,778 --> 00:25:08,171
I know I'm not the reason you're here,
623
00:25:08,173 --> 00:25:09,780
but the headliners couldn't get over
624
00:25:09,782 --> 00:25:11,348
their massive friggin' egos.
625
00:25:11,350 --> 00:25:13,784
So, without further adieu...
626
00:25:13,786 --> 00:25:16,621
♪ I say how do you do ♪
627
00:25:16,623 --> 00:25:19,790
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
628
00:25:19,792 --> 00:25:22,125
♪ But one thing we both hate ♪
629
00:25:22,127 --> 00:25:25,496
♪ Is fleas ♪
630
00:25:25,498 --> 00:25:27,798
This is so bad, it's almost good again.
631
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,500
I think what our friend Joe
Biden is trying to say...
632
00:25:30,502 --> 00:25:33,870
... is that we forgot who
the real candidate is,
633
00:25:33,872 --> 00:25:35,138
whether by mistake
634
00:25:35,140 --> 00:25:37,325
or by forcefully
pushing that information
635
00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:39,008
to the outer reaches of our minds.
636
00:25:39,010 --> 00:25:40,874
So you're cool with me being the face?
637
00:25:40,876 --> 00:25:43,484
Uh, sure, as long as we
can be the brain, heart,
638
00:25:43,486 --> 00:25:45,781
arms, legs, DNA, and power of attorney.
639
00:25:45,783 --> 00:25:48,151
Aww! You'd do that for me?
640
00:25:48,153 --> 00:25:49,854
Five, six, seven, eight, hit it!
641
00:25:49,856 --> 00:25:52,221
♪ 'Cause at the end of the day ♪
642
00:25:52,223 --> 00:25:55,157
♪ We're all the same shade of ♪
643
00:25:57,428 --> 00:25:58,595
- Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
644
00:25:58,597 --> 00:26:00,162
Oh. Blue.
645
00:26:00,164 --> 00:26:01,531
Awesome song!
646
00:26:01,533 --> 00:26:03,798
Hey, anyone else still
not have healthcare?
647
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,369
The biggest names of the
left were out last night
648
00:26:06,371 --> 00:26:07,545
in Tempe, Arizona.
649
00:26:07,547 --> 00:26:09,082
- If the Democratic Party had a voice,
- _
650
00:26:09,084 --> 00:26:10,784
it would be Barack Obama's.
651
00:26:10,786 --> 00:26:12,807
And if it had a heart, it
would be Bernie Sanders.
652
00:26:12,809 --> 00:26:15,477
And if it had to have a face,
I guess it'd be Joe Biden's.
653
00:26:15,479 --> 00:26:18,080
And wow. How 'bout that
pedestrian sign on the keys?
654
00:26:18,082 --> 00:26:20,182
Should I be worried about that sign?
655
00:26:20,184 --> 00:26:23,052
Unless you gave it a massage
backstage, you'll be fine.
656
00:26:23,054 --> 00:26:25,954
Only a shoulder squeeze. Nothing crazy.
657
00:27:23,946 --> 00:27:25,813
Trump!
658
00:27:36,938 --> 00:27:41,038
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- www.addic7ed.com -