- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
Welcome to tonight's town hall
at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia.
- I'm George Stephanopoulos, - _
and when I worked for Bill Clinton,
he was an incorruptible angel.
Tonight, somehow-undecided voters
will question President Trump
about the issues that matter most.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not sure who to vote for,
remember how much fun you have at horror movies.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've climbed K3,
- a secret mountain for the uber wealthy. - _
I'm joined tonight by Vice President Joe Biden,
who is here to address Rust Belt voters,
because the fate of democracy somehow depends on
14 Pennsylvania moms named Terri.
Turns out I'm America's last hope!
Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great!
I didn't sniff one widow's nape at the 9/11 event.
Could you have done more to stop COVID-19?
Ugh! Are we still talking about COVID?
That was last month's genocide.
Hello! You can't see the sky anymore!
And another thing...
on the trail, I'm gonna say "end climate change".
But I do not mean it. I love gas engines!
Why won't you acknowledge that this country
has a race problem?
Hey, did you folks see Wheel of Fortune is back?
Just say the words "race" and "problem".
That Vanna's still got it!
Now, if there's one thing President Trump and I agree on,
it's these protester so-and-so's
are causing all sorts of ruckus, and, you know...
While exercising their First Amendment right
to peaceably assemble,
and that's all we have to say on that matter.
Joe, there's a big lady outside
who's pouring beers with her underboob!
Quick! Get me three camcorders and a lighting rig!
How 'bout those ICE guys? Pretty nutso, right?
Sure, there are some negative nellies
who say forced sterilization is unconstitutional,
but I say...
Oh, God!
That better be from the gift shop.
Is the gift shop behind ten inches of bulletproof glass?
Joe! Stop!
Stop doing that. Vice Pre... Joe! Stop!
Joe, you are not a car!
Everyone's complaining about these hurricanes
or, as I call them, free water parks!
Look, you don't change horses midstream,
even if the stream is lava
and the horse is melted down to its eye sockets.
When we come back, the President blames all the nation's problems
on people who are not currently the President.
Aw, man!
How am I supposed to sniff a lady's hair in this thing?
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I absorbed 60%
of Princess Diana's household staff.
- Tonight, we take a look back - _
at the Democratic National Convention,
where top-ranking party members made their voices heard.
- I support Joe Biden for president. - _
- Joe Biden. - Joe Biden!
Joe... I don't even mind that he was adamantly against
gay marriage 12 years ago... Biden.
I support Joe Biden... almost as much
as I support Medicare For All.
Senator Sanders' remarks received
a tepid response from party insiders,
but a roar of approval from online supporters.
And now that he's safely out of the running,
I think we can all agree that Bernie Sanders
has totally transformed the Democratic Party forever
by dragging it kicking and screaming to the left.
Oh, and Joe Biden is the official nominee.
Hey, Jill! They said my name on the TV!
Sure, Joe. Almost as much as they said Bernie's.
Hold on. Now, how come they're saying his name when I'm the guy
who won the rigged primary fair and square?
Exactly! This should be your moment, not his.
Bernie's not like the other candidates, Joe.
He has some weird desire to speak about the issues,
even when it won't benefit him in any discernible way.
Now, that's whacky-dacky!
Trying to modernize my slang, Jill. Ya dig?
I'm just saying, it'd be nice if Bernie could take a backseat
and let you become the face of the party.
I'm not too worried. Everyone knows I'm the face of the party.
Coming up, we meet a woman so inspired by Bernie Sanders
she named her firstborn child "77% Estate Tax".
God, Eric!
I am up to my ass's ass telling voters
that sending gun pics to liberals cures COVID.
It's been weeks since I've seen you long enough
to punch you lovingly in the dick!
Laying people off from the Trump Org
has become my full-time job!
COVID-19 is tearing our brotherly asses apart!
I wish some science freak would find the cure already
so we can rent that houseboat to have our first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party! Oy, oy!
If we don't have that party, it'll be like we bought
matching sailor suits for nothing!
They weren't matching! I bought mine first!
As I was saying, I'm totally open to any feedback
in regards to my day-to-day.
Oh. Sorry. You're fired.
Your health insurance ends... now.
Now get the eff outta here!
Joe really appreciates what you're doing
for his campaign, Beau Bridges.
Big Stargate fan, by the way.
Love how it draws from both Norse and Greek mytholo...
Okay. I-I'll let you get back to it.
We're up 200 thou in donations,
and it's not even "healthy morning snack" time yet.
I, in a sense, rock.
Do you think Bernie's stealing my moment?
- Not exactly... ? - You do! I knew it!
It's just that your moment is, uh, a collective action.
Undertaken by many, many people, including Bernie.
But I should be the face of the Democratic Party,
and Bernie keeps shoving his face over mine!
I spent a lot of money on this face,
and I wanna show it off!
Look, Joe. I've got carpal tunnel
from dialing donors all day, and I can't keep saying
the call is cutting out when they bring up Tara Reade.
Making peace with Bernie and courting
his small-dollar donors could be a good thing.
I could even facilitate a tête-à-tête between you two.
He should be wanting to TED Talk with me,
not the other way around!
Ah, forget it, Barack. I'm sure the party will Band-Aid over
its irresolvable differences like always.
Made it through another unaired presser.
Maybe next time, Trump will let the camera guy
take the lens cap off.
- Oh, Dr. Fauci! Dr. Fauci! - Here, here! Dr. Fauci!
Dr. Fauci! I said it first!
Again, boys, jock itch is not a symptom.
How long would it take us to cure coronavirus
and still have time to rent
an inflatable AR-15-shaped pool float for a sick-ass
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party?! Oy, oy!
Vaccines can take years to develop
before they're even brought to market.
Oh, we know all about bringing products prematurely to market.
Unless you have a research lab at your disposal,
I don't see how it's possible.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hose off the letter "Q"
someone defecated onto my RAV4.
Ugh! That was our last chance to cure the disease!
But it was the first thing we tried.
Bernie troubles?
You've come to the right place, sister.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the thankless hours
he spends on the campaign trail...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it on my juice.
Bernie will always find a way to steal my spotlight.
Uh, your spotlight.
Barack thinks I should talk to him about it.
Pfft! Next he's gonna tell you to take the fall for Benghazi!
If you want my advice, leave them both in the dust
and... who knows... maybe you'll find a surrogate
sitting in plain sight.
Because why play Pokémon Go...
when you can Pokémon Joe Biden to the polls!
And that's just off the top of my head.
Eric, I told you that whenever you get a new bandana,
you can just show it to me like a normal person!
Surprise!
It's our old childhood penthouse basement!
And it's still full of all the stuff
we made one of our moms buy us after we watched Weird Science!
We never did make a girl.
But you did cure my hiccups!
I had a scientific breakthrough to hit you with the hammer!
And my insomnia! Remember how you cured that?
- I hit you with this book! - Let's do it again!
You can be Dr. Don,
and I'll be your trusty lab rat, Eric.
Together, we'll cure coronavirus!
I promised myself I'd never do science again
after realizing I could jack off in the shower,
but these are unprecedented times.
Come here, lab rat!
See? No herkups! It's warking, Daern!
Barack, I thought about it,
and I don't want to be like Hillary after all.
She ordered a basket of deplorables,
and when the waiter didn't laugh, she slapped him!
I'll call Bernie
and arrange this tête-à-tête tout suite.
Do you really think I can get through to him?
Of course! You are the king of reaching across the aisle.
Remember Strom?
Reaching across the aisle to make peace
with a segregationist Dixie-crat is one thing,
but a guy who wants sick people to be given medicine?
We have nothing in common.
Just be like me... firm, officious, dignified,
humble yet proud, fair, judicious, kind...
Bored! Just say you'll have my back.
- I always do. - Okay, let's do it!
If I can work with Jesse Helms
to keep those kids off those buses,
well, surely I can talk to Bernie Sanders!
Uh, thank you both for being here today.
"The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step". Lao-Tzu.
I thought this was a Green New Deal summit.
Where is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?
The Green New who?
I'm the mean "Green", buck-o,
and the "New Deal" is what I say goes!
I'm tired.
Bernie, the real reason we're here today
is so that you and Joe can heal your differences.
And so I can become the face of the Democratic Party
once and for all!
I'm not stopping him from being the face!
The people just prefer my face to be the face!
Enough talk! It's time to run at each other
waving really heavy public trash cans!
- Huuuuah! - Calm down, fellas.
Let's start with something easy.
I want you each to say one nice thing about the other person.
Bernie?
Joe, when you're around.
there's never an uncomfortable silence.
Or a comfortable one. Any silence, really.
Your turn, Joe.
You're good at talking to the youth voters,
the spoiled ones who spend all their money
on avocado-toast lattes
instead of sacking up and going off to fight in Korea!
- Great job, Joe. - Great job?
He gets a "great job" and I get bupkus?
Playing favorites again, Barack,
just like you did in the primary!
Look, I just did what needed doing.
When Jamie Dimon calls, I listen.
Now we're all fightin'!
I feel like an interracial lifeguard again!
We have to be scientific about this, Eric!
Let's try the proven method to cure coronavirus first.
Open up.
- How do you feel? - Like a bathroom.
Okay. Subject feels like a bathroom.
Do you have any poison back there
that tastes like noodles and butter?
Subject is talking back to doctor like a total beeyotch.
Could be a symptom of coronavirus.
Further testing needed.
That's everything from the supply closet.
- How do you feel? - Actually pretty good!
I think the lighter fluid canceled out the hand sanitizer
which canceled out the motor oil.
Eric, shut up! That's it!
All of these forces combined make the perfect cure!
Last question. Do you have coronavirus?
- No? - Urethra!
My movement could run laps around your movement!
Dup-dup! Maybe in 2008, but times have changed!
With a single tweet, I could have this forest
swarming with unshaven podcasters!
At least I won the nomination on my first try!
Hey! Look at me! Look at me!
I'm thinking about swapping out Kamala for John Kasich!
You'll never have what I had, Bernie.
Step aside so the true face of the party
can assume his rightful place.
Now you're talking, Barack! Wait. My face or your face?
How's Guantanamo this time of year, Barack? Still open?
How is your third house?!
You have three way bigger houses!
Maaaaalarkey! Enough!
It's time for you two to kiss and make up
like a coupla fruits.
Nothin' wrong with that, by the way.
- But, but, but... - I said sit!
Buncha screaming guys. Can't even hear myself scream!
Now it's my turn to be in charge here!
Do the thing where you say a nice thing
about the other fella.
Bernie. You've inspired millions.
You too, Barack. Lotta inspiration there.
See? That's how you reach across the aisle.
Now take a deep whiff of each other's hair.
In conclusion, this vaccine is
a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity
for those seeking to make major scratch off a biblical plague.
Plus, if you take the vaccine yourself, you'll live forever!
So, how many millions of units can we sign you up for?
This vaccine doesn't exactly fit
with the Tesla Corp business model.
Do you have any boxy cars or big holes in the ground?
No, and stop asking!
Then it's a no from me, dawg. Sorry to this man.
Well, Don, back to the drawing board!
Maybe you can cure my plantar warts with some paint thinner.
No way, lab rat ass rat!
We're selling this shit so we can throw a rockin'
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party!
- Rockin' out! Oh, yeah! - But we were finally spending
- quality time together. - Oy, oy!
Just let it out, fellas.
They say they want change,
but when you give it to them, what do they say?
I should have been a Supreme Court Justice.
You devote your whole life to the public good, and for what?
For a KFC-huffing casino failure
to level everything you built
and let a bunch of bazooka-toting gout patients
stomp all over it in their camo-print Crocs?
See? You folks are the same sort of
weepy do-gooder dweebs after all.
- Honestly, I needed this. - Me too.
Now can we all agree to make nice and let me be the face?
I'm cool with it if Bernie's cool with it.
- Yeah, okay, sure. Fine. - Yahoo!
I'm prouder than when Hunter called me up from Ukraine
and said, "Dad, I got the job!"
Hey, Dr. Don.
What do you think will happen if I lick this hot curling iron?
Shut up, Eric! I told you the R&D phase
of Doctor Don Incorporated is over!
Now we are in the GP phase! That stands for "Get Paid",
and I just made it up, so please congratulate me already!
- Congratu... - Shut up, Eric!
I'm trying to think of a way to rope sick people
desperate for a sliver of hope into buying this thing!
Whoa! I wanna buy that thing!
I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow.
Is your pillow mushy and damp from all your nosebleeds?
Do you have bad sleep habits
like waking up every 12 minutes
to swing a blade in the air at the vagrant
trying to steal the coat hanger you use as a hairbrush?
Try sleeping on MyPillow.
That's it! That's the answer!
We gotta get Mike Lindell out of that TV and in on this!
I thought this was sort of a two-man operation.
If he can sell millions of dumb MyPillows,
imagine what he can do for our dumb vaccine.
Somebody say MyPillow?!
Welcome back to Meet the Press.
I'm Chuck Todd, and joining me are the two biggest names
in Democratic politics... Bernie Sanders and Barack Obama.
And I'd also like to throw my name in the ring.
Just kidding. Unl... Well, unless... ?
- I-I don't know. Maybe. - Thanks for having us, Chuck.
Barack and I have decided to join forces
on a nationwide speaking tour
for the 2020 Democratic presidential candidate.
That's me!
Why am I at the little table again?
Sorry, Mr. Vice President. It was a tight fit,
and I wanted these two titans of democracy
within high-five distance. You understand.
Fine, but just tell your niece
she's hogging all the elbow space!
Annabelle, you heard the Vice President. Make some room.
- Hi. I'm Mike Lindell and... - _
And I am Mist... Doctor Don!
This is my lab rat, Eric. He is very sick.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Take this. Take it, Eric!
What Don Jr. is feeding his rat friend there
- is MyCOVIDVaccine. - By Doctor Don!
Unlike other vaccines promising to give you coronavirus,
MyCOVIDVaccine doesn't promise to give you coronavirus.
How do you feel, rat boy?
Much better!
Tits out for the rat boy!
They loved the shit out of that vaccine!
I always knew we had something special down in that basement,
even when I was coughing up blood!
I haven't moved product that fast since my dealer Slice
let me sell to all the raccoons
that were living in my burned-out minivan!
Wait. What the shit is this?!
Where's my face? Where's my name?!
I ran the infomercial by a few focus groups,
and it turns out MyCOVIDVaccine
sells much better with your likeness
completely removed from the product.
But the consumers go nuts for Eric.
Oh, wow! I bet it's because
people naturally feel bad for me.
But what about me?! What am I supposed to do,
pour bleach down my own throat?!
Now you have more time to plan your first annual
houseboat-sex-and-drinking party.
Oh, yeah. I forgot that's why we're doing this whole thing.
For that party. Not for... hanging out. Eh...
I probably won't be able to make it
thanks to my new infomercial schedule,
but you can put my sailor suit on a starfish if you want!
_
Hey, man. I'm late for my gig.
Think I can come in through the back?
- Name? - Joe Biden.
Sorry, boss. You're not on the list.
This is the VIP entrance. Check general admission.
I don't need to be on the list.
My name's up there on the marquee. See?
I didn't bring my reading glasses.
There you are! I've been waiting for like a million hours!
Sorry. Mike Lindell wanted me to contour my face
a little bit to play up the rodentine features.
I thought R&D was over.
Well, it's back on!
I thought it would be a good idea
to think of some more vaccines.
Just for us. No Lindell!
I'll have to make sure our hang sesh
doesn't conflict with my legal proceedings.
- What the shit?! - Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
I'm being sued. A class-action!
Eric, you're being sued
for the wrongful death of thousands?!
Turns out MyCOVIDVaccine is actually worse than coronavirus.
Even holding the bottle can be fatal.
This is so not fair!
Those wrongful deaths should be mine!
We did this together, and I'm not even named in the suit!
You're the one that wanted to take
our brother-science operation out of the basement.
I was perfectly fine ingesting chemicals just the two of us.
W-Well, are you free to ingest some now?
I could squeeze the meat out of an old Incredible Hulk doll.
I gotta meet up with Rudy Giuliani for my trial.
He's, like, the only lawyer that'll come near our family.
I should be on trial for those deaths, too!
It should be me! Not stupid brother Eric!
Hello, Wisconsin!
Thank you for being here tonight in honor of the most
important face in the room...
- Joe Biden! - Joe Biden!
That ain't my face!
- 5, 6, 7, 8, hit it! - Ladies and gentlemen!
In celebration of Joe Biden's campaign...
Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders!
I think healthcare should be free.
And I think it should be public and private, too.
- How's that gonna work? - It's been workin'.
Yeah, whatever!
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of blue ♪
You know, I repealed "don't ask, don't tell".
Yeah, I think I wanted to do that in, uh, 1992.
Hey, who's countin'?
- I'm countin', I'm countin'! - Yeah, whatever.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're the two top dogs of blue ♪
You know, people wonder how a democratic centrist...
And a democratic socialist...
♪ Can find some common ground ♪
♪ Well, with our mutual admiration ♪
♪ For the late John McCain ♪
♪ There's commonality to be found ♪
Hey, Barack, when are we gonna close Guantanamo?
Uh, soon enough. I'm working on it.
Soon enough? Yeah, I won't wait up for dinner.
- Hey, it's complicated! - Oh, sure.
♪ But at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're both the same shade of ♪
♪ Blue ♪
Eric, how do you feel about having
so much blood on your hands?
- Um... - And isn't some other badass guy
also responsible for those deaths, too?!
My client has no further comments,
except to say that his lawyer
has a reservation tonight at the Rusty Scupper.
If any ladies are interested, show up with a pink carnation
in between your honkers so I know you're down to get gross.
Look at me, lab rat!
Look at me!
♪ I'm down here ♪
♪ And you're up here ♪
♪ But you need to be here ♪
♪ Actually I need to be here ♪
Hey! Why did you make me a big rusty sign?
Signs can't be president! They got no grit, no know-how!
Joe! I didn't realize you were coming tonight.
I would've left tickets for you at will call.
This is my dang speaking tour!
Of course it is. And you did such a good job
bringing us headliners together, we thought
it might be nice for you to sit back and enjoy the show.
From the comfort of your basement
as you stain the wallpaper yellow
just by hanging out in the same room too much.
But I should be up there! I'm the face!
Unless... I'm the ass?!
Just for a little while. Until you're elected president.
And then you can be the face on nights and weekends.
Aw, who needs you two!
I'm going on my own speaking tour,
organized and planned by me and me alone!
My name in lights!
A gal in a headset screaming, "Five minutes!"
Big ol' tray of deli meat in the back. Just you wait and see!
Now someone just tell me how do I send an e-mail.
- Hey, Bailey! Nice to see ya! - _
I'm glad your mom, Liz Warren, let you join me here tonight.
A one, and a two, and a one-two-three.
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing is we both hate fleas! ♪
Hey! I'm headlinin' here!
Despite the drink in my hand and the houseboat underfoot,
this party somehow sucks ass.
Your bad mood is a major mood, and it is so not a mood.
We should be celebrating my scientific genius,
but now there's no vaccine, no Eric...
and, actually, where is all the freaking sex?!
Real talk... when I invited a bunch of girls to a party
in the midst of a global pandemic,
they threw high-key shade at me.
Even Kanye said no, and that guy said yes
to slandering Harriet Tubman.
So no one's even coming?
Everyone else is too lame sauce to even take the red pill,
including my newborn birth child who also RSVP'd "no" to me.
Can you believe the rebellion?
Maybe we could just do experiments
on each other instead?
I found some toilet cleaner below deck!
Let me feed it to you and see what happens!
Sir, this is a Wendy's!
It's like I'm not even there, Hillary!
It's some rusty sign instead. I can't compete with that!
They're ignoring you?
- Pfft. Lucky. - What do you mean?
No attention is better than outright disgust.
My surrogates actively hated me.
You should see some of the vile text messages
- I got from Katy Perry. - I guess that's that.
Barack and Bernie are the faces, and I'm just the ass.
Oh, boo hoo. A Black guy and a Jewish guy
are doing all the leg work for the old, toothy white guy.
Joe, don't you realize how easy you have it?
You've got the veneer of progress
without having to go out there yourself
and say things like, "Democracy is real",
and, "Cops need to cool it".
Hey, let's not demonize lots and lots of bad apples.
Just be the vacant, smiling face
propped up by the sweaty, hardworking ones.
Piece of cake.
Vacant smile? Me? Well, I guess I could try.
I am not guilty
of the crimes set before me.
I could have cured those hiccups...
back when things were simpler.
Once you go corporate, the fun of inventing boxy deathtraps
flies out the window.
Just like most of your human passengers.
Next thing you know, everybody's asking you
for a rocket that, like, won't even explode.
- Very much not gang-gang. - So true.
Making Eric drink all those chemicals in the basement,
and then writing down what happened...
those were the best moments of my entire life!
I was just too blinded by profit and houseboat sex to see it.
Yeah. Okay, boomer!
Now you understand what it's like
to be a misunderstood genius like c'est moi.
Just for the record,
this whole thing wasn't entirely my idea.
My brother Don Jr. also has blood on his hands.
Aww! Lab rat ass...
Hey, folks! Just wanted to drop off this basket
as a "thank you" for all your hard work out there.
I don't deserve it.
Barack and I are no longer speaking.
Thank you for the basket. Please put the Vermont cheddar
- on my vanity. - What if I want the Vermont cheddar?
I thought you two were bosom buddies!
Singin' and dancin' together
like it was Bandstand after they integrated.
Your friend over here insisted on top billing,
even though I was routinely bringing in the 18-to-25 demo!
Oh, you mean the demo that never votes? Big accomplishment.
Just because the DNC decided to sideline
its first true revolutionary candidate in a generation!
Maybe the DNC didn't want to gamble on a fringe candidate.
Oh, because that totally blew up in Republicans' faces in 2016.
Not! It had the opposite effect!
Fine. If you two can't get along,
I guess I'll have to be the face of this party after all.
I just hope they like my Cosby impression!
Eat the steel wool, Dr. Don. For science.
Okay, it's not so b... Aarrgh!
Patient feels like absolute dog ass!
Doctor feels same. Could these two things be connected?
Further testing required.
Is there steel wool for one more?
Eric! I thought you were in jail!
They let me out on bail!
Apparently they don't consider me a flight risk
because I don't know how to walk through a metal detector.
Sorry about before.
I was just jealous that you got to be
the face of pharmaceutical malfeasance without me.
Apology accepted!
Next time, we'll be up on that witness stand together.
Scientist-brothers again?
Now open up. This Incredible Hulk meat won't eat itself.
Ugh! Come on! Another warm-up act?
I know I'm not the reason you're here,
but the headliners couldn't get over
their massive friggin' egos.
So, without further adieu...
♪ I say how do you do ♪
♪ You say woofy woof-a-roo ♪
♪ But one thing we both hate ♪
♪ Is fleas ♪
This is so bad, it's almost good again.
I think what our friend Joe Biden is trying to say...
... is that we forgot who the real candidate is,
whether by mistake
or by forcefully pushing that information
to the outer reaches of our minds.
So you're cool with me being the face?
Uh, sure, as long as we can be the brain, heart,
arms, legs, DNA, and power of attorney.
Aww! You'd do that for me?
Five, six, seven, eight, hit it!
♪ 'Cause at the end of the day ♪
♪ We're all the same shade of ♪
- Joe. - Come on, Joe.
Oh. Blue.
Awesome song!
Hey, anyone else still not have healthcare?
The biggest names of the left were out last night
in Tempe, Arizona.
- If the Democratic Party had a voice, - _
it would be Barack Obama's.
And if it had a heart, it would be Bernie Sanders.
And if it had to have a face, I guess it'd be Joe Biden's.
And wow. How 'bout that pedestrian sign on the keys?
Should I be worried about that sign?
Unless you gave it a massage backstage, you'll be fine.
Only a shoulder squeeze. Nothing crazy.
Trump!
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -