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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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- Welcome to tonight's
- _
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Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada.
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Good evening. I'm Lester Holt.
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And after a party, you know
I'm gonna help clean up.
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Thank you, Lester. I'll
take it "form" here.
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From here, obviously.
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First question... do you
all wanna answer a question
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or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg?
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- Bloomberg!
- BLOOOOMBERRRRG!!
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Wow. Okay. It looks like
we're starting, and I haven't
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even said the rules
you're going to ignore.
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Mike Bloomberg epitomizes
the lawless oligarchy
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corroding the foundations
of our democracy!
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Liz Warren's back on the map, baby!
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Why do I feel like I'm
already off the map?
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Hey, Bloomberg! You
can't buy this election!
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You gotta earn it! Like me!
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By keeping your eyes from
rollin' out of your head
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- till November!
- Hey, I'm not perfect,
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but at least I'm not a
bloodless corporate shill
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posing as a humble mayor!
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Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg.
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Mr. Bloomberg, what do
you say to those who point
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to your stop-and-frisk policy
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as evidence of your racial
bias against minorities?
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The point of this debate is
to make me appear likeable,
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not to discuss my undeniably
racist past as mayor.
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Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again.
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You know what? Just let
me know when it's my turn.
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Since this is my first debate
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and my entrance fee was $300 million,
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at least give me a chance
to introduce myself.
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Ahem.
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I like the one who did the money!
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Listen, Amy. I may not have
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foreign-relations experience,
per se, but I have ordered
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huevos rancheros at brunch
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multiple times!
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Are you mocking me?
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Because the last guy who
mocked me was Kirk Douglas!
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And look what happened!
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Okay, I may own three houses,
but let me assure you
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I do not heat them, and the
rugs are unbearably itchy.
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And now a message
from tonight's sponsor.
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- Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg.
- _
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- Oh, come on!
- Hey, Bloomberg!
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The best way to defeat
Donald Trump is to vote
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for someone nominally different than him
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so you can feel better about yourself
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while the world stays exactly the same.
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Hey! What the...
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Shh. Amy wants to play a little game!
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Hey, folks! There's a
lady up in the rafters!
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Okay, enough folksy
adages, Mr. Vice President.
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I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate.
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Hey, Pete! How do you say
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"do not resuscitate" in Español?!
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- Huevos rancheros.
- That's all from Nevada.
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Only 48 states to go before
the brokered convention.
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Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up
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if my ears start bleedin', would ya?
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That debate was a nightmare.
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Gentlemen, I have to be honest.
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I'm having second thoughts
about buying this election.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me
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American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg
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is throwing in the
10,000 thread count towel!
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Us billionaires are
counting on you to keep
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the lights on in our summer homes
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and the lights off in our
sensory deprivation tanks!
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I'm just not sure I have it in me.
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My campaign manager said I
might have to shake a hand.
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But without you, we
can kiss the dream of
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liberal, socially conscious
oligarchy goodbye!
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I need some fresh air.
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- Whew!
- Yikes.
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Anyone here have
a good grotto cleaning guy?
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Pushed mine off my balcony.
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And billionaires...
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We need to stop flat wages...
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... and strengthen the middle class!
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They're radicalized!
Something must be done!
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Watch where you're going, billionaire!
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- Hillary!
- _
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A billionaire's only hope.
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I'm Jake Tapper,
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and I ask people what
they got on their SAT
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hoping they'll immediately
toss the ball my way.
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1510.
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- Donald Trump's back in the news today,
- _
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this time for attacking the Kurds.
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Here to cover for him,
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Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.
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I think Trump's really unraveling.
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- Shut the fuck up!
- Hey, Jake!
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No one understands the
plight of the Kurdish people
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like Donald Trump.
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Then, how do you respond to this?
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I don't know jack shit about the Kurds
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except that they're a proud
people that the United States
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bears a moral responsibility to abandon.
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That was taken way out of context.
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He'll support the heck outta the Kurds
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and their battle to defeat ISIS.
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- Then, how do you respond to this?
- Ah, shi...
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I'm not really vibing
with the Kurds or ISIS.
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I'm kinda hoping Robert
Kraft goes over there
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and starts his own tribe.
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If you can defend that,
you must be unhealthily
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obsessed with being on television.
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- Coming up, I interview myself
- _
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about the time I serenaded
my wife at our wedding.
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Hi, Bill. Is Hillary home?
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Hillary? She's out in the barn.
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I'd take you, but I'm not
allowed out of the house.
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- Peep the shock collar.
- No problem, I'll head aroun...
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It's because of my storied,
criminal history of sexual...
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Bill, the less we know
about your deal, the better.
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Bill, back in the house!
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Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg!
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I spoke at your convention
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between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham.
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Oh! Hi! You can be the first
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to try some of my homemade hot sauce,
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- a non-calculated passion of mine!
- _
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Forget the sauce. The
billionaires need a voice.
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You need to run for president.
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I'm much happier
spending the rest of my life
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writing books about courageous women
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with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um...
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- Love?
- Exactly. Thank you.
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But the people want you.
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Just look at these polls I
planted in Bloomberg News.
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With my money and
your politics for hire,
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there's nothing stopping
us from stopping socialists
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from stopping me from hoarding wealth.
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Imagine if we could go on television
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without having to defend
that teetotalin' wet ass.
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Without the mic guy
purposefully electrocuting me
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with a white-hot frayed wire?
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I used to rule TV...
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ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell,
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with the Jim Cramer!
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Knocky-knocky!
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I need you to dress to the Tapper tens
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because I just had my most
grounded and rational idea yet.
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To wrap up this trade war,
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what if we rammed naval ships into...
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don't judge yet...
Chinese shipping freights?
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It's brilliant in its stupidity,
but I'm just not sure that...
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Aaaand tweeted.
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All right. Choppy-choppy!
You're on at 4 p.m.
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No way! I'm goin' viral!
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_
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When my mother and I wrote
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"The Book of Gutsy Women",
it wasn't all work.
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- Ha ha!
- Wow!
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Sometimes, we took a break
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to live, laugh, and gossip
about entertainment news.
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- Right, Mom?
- It's fun writing books with my daughter,
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who I, uh...
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- Love.
- Right.
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So say it, silly!
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What is it... your birthday?
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Yes, it is. I'm 40.
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Happy birthday. There. I said it!
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- Run, Hillary!
- Yeah! Go for it!
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No, that's behind me.
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I'm now focused on being toured around
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like a book-slinging circus monkey.
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But all of us who stood
in line for four hours
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just to get a glimpse
of the back of your head
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agree you're the best candidate!
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Yeah!
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All of you?
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Larry? Connie?
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It's Tapper O'Clock! Why
aren't you defending me?!
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I've thought of a
thousand ways to justify
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this battleship ramming scheme,
and all of them are war crimes!
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Shh! It's ringing.
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I also made it so it can fart.
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That's what mine sounds like!
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Hello? This is the GOAT
of all time, Elon Musk.
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Hey, lame guy the science guy...
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pack your solar-powered
luggage or whatever
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'cause your country needs you.
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As long as the country
is not Thailand, I'm in.
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Here's what I'm thinking
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for the next five years.
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We pen the story of a
racially ambiguous daughter
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named Lakelynne White, who opens
a small, diverse hedge-fund.
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Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings
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to run an inclusive smear campaign
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against Ilhan Omar.
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Hillary, we need you.
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Jeffy?!
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Mother! Chime in.
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Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a...
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barista?
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Mother, don't pluck my tulip.
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I know you're thinking
about being President again.
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You know how sometimes
when you're talking to me,
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I pause for a few seconds
then say, "Interesting"?
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That's because I'm thinking
about being President.
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As much as I like
copy-pasting Wikipedia articles
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on suffragettes into
Microsoft Word with my mother,
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at the end of the day, I'm with her!
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Go, Mother!
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Chase your dream for the third time!
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Interesting.
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It's time we brace ourselves
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for the looming class revolution.
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Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip
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will have to be replaced
by... a 14-ounce wagyu filet.
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- No!
- They're treating us
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like human beings.
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We're billionaires, damn it!
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Order that strip, Michael!
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And get one for me,
with a side of hot sauce,
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a condiment I enjoy independently
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of its relation to the black vote.
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Because I'm running for President!
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Thank you, rich God.
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If we're going into battle,
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we need our breathable rayon armor.
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Blue. Hillary Clinton.
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Connotes leadership, power, rigidity.
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Brownish-grey. Chelsea Clinton.
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Connotes subservience,
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laughing when it's not that funny,
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walking behind me when the
sidewalk gets too narrow,
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peeling an orange so ridiculously slow,
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you have to go take a walk
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- just to not scream.
- Okay, thank you, Mother.
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Green. Huma Abedin!
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Connotes poise,
perfection, daughterliness.
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Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner,
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single-handedly annihilate
your last campaign?
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We all have a perverted husband
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whose sexual addiction
dissolves our political career.
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But this time, we are playing it safe.
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You can do whatever
you want to each other!
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Just don't leave the yard!
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Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler...
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I've done way worse with way less!
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Okay, Elon, this better be worth
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the billion dollars
we siphoned from CHIP.
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What is that?
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00:09:40,564 --> 00:09:42,483
It's an Oval Office simulator.
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It will deadass make the President think
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all his orders are being
followed A-F as fuck.
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00:09:47,488 --> 00:09:49,727
But no transmissions will go in or out.
254
00:09:49,729 --> 00:09:52,849
You can say "Bye, Felicia" to
defending him on television.
255
00:09:52,851 --> 00:09:55,050
- Go ahead. Say it.
- Bye, Felicia.
256
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,211
Lé cool. I'm here for this.
257
00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:58,532
Cue the simulator!
258
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,133
Ass-ass, Captain!
259
00:10:05,098 --> 00:10:08,858
The key to any successful
campaign is small-dollar donors.
260
00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:10,659
Let's split up. You take the Bronx.
261
00:10:10,661 --> 00:10:13,020
Remember... no donation is too small.
262
00:10:13,022 --> 00:10:14,061
Here's a coin pouch!
263
00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:15,501
Yeah, let me rap
264
00:10:15,503 --> 00:10:19,464
my 70-year-old knuckles
on a million doors, or... ?
265
00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:21,561
Add as many zeros as it'll take to win.
266
00:10:21,563 --> 00:10:23,386
The campaign announcement is tomorrow.
267
00:10:23,388 --> 00:10:25,619
Are you available to volunteer for our
268
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:27,924
"Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus?
269
00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:29,508
Hillary, uh, who is this?
270
00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:32,551
Go wait in the stairwell,
Chels. Mommy's panhandling.
271
00:10:35,075 --> 00:10:37,727
Was there always a
freezing-cold elevator ride
272
00:10:37,729 --> 00:10:39,115
to the Oval Office?
273
00:10:39,117 --> 00:10:40,577
Uh, yeah, you built it.
274
00:10:40,579 --> 00:10:42,397
They gave you the Nobel Prize for it.
275
00:10:42,399 --> 00:10:44,838
Yeah, and you guys said
I couldn't build it!
276
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,399
- Remember?
- Uh-huh.
277
00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:49,681
Stand by. That feeling when
the eagle has landed goals.
278
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,642
What's this joystick doing here?
279
00:10:51,644 --> 00:10:53,163
Uh, that's the same joystick
280
00:10:53,165 --> 00:10:54,443
George Washington used
to fight the Pilgrims.
281
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,084
Fight the Pilgrims. Yeah, I know.
282
00:10:57,447 --> 00:10:59,303
Howdy, Mr. Trump! I'm Charlie!
283
00:10:59,305 --> 00:11:02,663
Are you ready for your
day as President? Wa-goo!
284
00:11:02,665 --> 00:11:05,087
Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary.
285
00:11:05,089 --> 00:11:07,531
Only the coolest White
House mascot on Earth!
286
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,252
What the fuck am I even saying?
287
00:11:09,254 --> 00:11:11,896
Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating
288
00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:14,654
Turkey's military operations
in Northern Syria?
289
00:11:14,656 --> 00:11:16,558
Well, you can't eat Syria.
290
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:17,857
You've selected "Lunch".
291
00:11:17,859 --> 00:11:19,913
How many pounds of lunch would you like?
292
00:11:19,915 --> 00:11:23,340
No one's ever asked!
293
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,859
I stayed up all night writing the speech
294
00:11:26,861 --> 00:11:28,750
because I was so excited
295
00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:30,657
and because you only
booked a two-bedroom
296
00:11:30,659 --> 00:11:32,268
so I had to sleep in the lobby
297
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,315
with a bag of Minute Maid
apple juice as a pillow.
298
00:11:34,317 --> 00:11:35,990
Lordy, was that the speech?
299
00:11:35,992 --> 00:11:38,711
Mom, I'm gonna rock
this. Check this out.
300
00:11:38,713 --> 00:11:41,713
"The degradation of norms
has never been more..."
301
00:11:41,715 --> 00:11:43,554
Boring! Check this out.
302
00:11:43,556 --> 00:11:45,755
"A lot of people are using their apps
303
00:11:45,757 --> 00:11:48,317
to listen to Lizzo".
Pause for woo-woo's.
304
00:11:48,319 --> 00:11:52,239
"But I think they should
Lizz-show up on Election Day
305
00:11:52,241 --> 00:11:54,400
and vote for Hillary Clinton!"
306
00:11:55,843 --> 00:11:58,603
If you can brilliantly
interweave pop culture
307
00:11:58,605 --> 00:12:01,774
with revolutionary status-quo
ideology like that,
308
00:12:01,776 --> 00:12:02,805
you got the gig.
309
00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:05,527
"The cruelty and incompetence
310
00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:07,928
of this administration
311
00:12:07,930 --> 00:12:11,650
has never been more... Riverdale?"
312
00:12:11,652 --> 00:12:14,412
That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg!
313
00:12:14,414 --> 00:12:16,453
Wait!
314
00:12:16,455 --> 00:12:19,935
"A lot of teens are watching The C-W...
315
00:12:19,937 --> 00:12:21,376
My God.
316
00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:22,937
... but I wanna know...
317
00:12:22,939 --> 00:12:24,898
how can we have those teens
318
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:29,740
'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?"
319
00:12:29,742 --> 00:12:33,182
Huma, could you go get
Chelsea the purple pant suit?
320
00:12:33,184 --> 00:12:37,425
The one that connotes tolerability?
321
00:12:37,427 --> 00:12:41,707
Waaaa-goo, Mr. President!
322
00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:43,268
You've rammed a Chinese ship,
323
00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:45,749
received a public apology
from Bette Midler,
324
00:12:45,751 --> 00:12:48,831
inspired a standing ovation
at the Teen Choice Awards,
325
00:12:48,833 --> 00:12:51,473
and planted Jim Acosta in
the path of a lawnmower!
326
00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:54,108
Ahh! Gotta pop open a window,
327
00:12:54,110 --> 00:12:56,319
and hear that Acosta squeal!
328
00:12:56,321 --> 00:12:58,143
- Oh, my God! We're done for!
- Not the window!
329
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,639
Oh, he's being extra, and
it's, like, low-key not a mood.
330
00:13:01,641 --> 00:13:03,440
Release the golden hat!
331
00:13:03,442 --> 00:13:05,264
Congratulations!
332
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,716
Your ninth lunch has
somehow brokered peace
333
00:13:07,718 --> 00:13:09,363
between the Kurds and the Turks!
334
00:13:09,365 --> 00:13:10,764
I had a feeling it might.
335
00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:12,974
You've unlocked a golden hat!
336
00:13:12,976 --> 00:13:14,726
Whoa, ho, ho, ho!
337
00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:17,848
I've always wanted this
thing I just found out about.
338
00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:20,009
Holy crap! It worked!
339
00:13:20,011 --> 00:13:23,531
We've trapped the President
in a glorified phone game!
340
00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:27,213
Who's to say we're all
not living in a phone game?
341
00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:30,246
Who's to say we're all not
simply living in a phone game?
342
00:13:30,248 --> 00:13:31,711
Yeah, we heard you.
343
00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:33,152
Breaking news.
344
00:13:33,154 --> 00:13:35,637
As has been long-rumored
and instinctually feared,
345
00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:36,858
- Hillary Clinton is officially
- _
346
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,820
entering the race for
the Democratic nomination.
347
00:13:38,822 --> 00:13:40,741
- The Beast of Benghazi,
- _
348
00:13:40,743 --> 00:13:42,702
the Satan of the Servers
349
00:13:42,704 --> 00:13:46,264
has awoken from her
four-year volcanic slumber!
350
00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:49,986
Rise all ye minions to battle!
351
00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:54,269
How entitled do you have
to be to try and steal
352
00:13:54,271 --> 00:13:56,069
the presidency I'm entitled to?
353
00:13:56,071 --> 00:13:59,454
I'll start drafting my
passive-aggressive endorsement.
354
00:13:59,456 --> 00:14:00,952
It's 63 degrees today...
355
00:14:00,954 --> 00:14:03,113
she'll get a sun stroke and drop out.
356
00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:12,919
A lot of people are using Instagram.
357
00:14:12,921 --> 00:14:14,320
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
358
00:14:14,322 --> 00:14:16,561
But this President's domestic policies
359
00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:19,162
have me sliding out of his DMs
360
00:14:19,164 --> 00:14:21,364
and into the voting booth!
361
00:14:22,726 --> 00:14:24,285
In fact, I think
362
00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,367
he can't honor his sacred
oath to the Constitution
363
00:14:27,369 --> 00:14:30,089
because he's too busy eating hamberders!
364
00:14:30,091 --> 00:14:32,450
- Whoo!
- I love politics!
365
00:14:32,452 --> 00:14:34,489
This speech will seal the deal.
366
00:14:34,491 --> 00:14:36,089
I think we're looking at our next
367
00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:39,494
Deputy Press Secretary for
North African Digital Outreach.
368
00:14:39,496 --> 00:14:42,376
Without further ado, please welcome
369
00:14:42,378 --> 00:14:45,898
the winner of the 2016 popular vote...
370
00:14:47,461 --> 00:14:52,021
... and the winner of the
2020 electoral vote...
371
00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:53,782
Uh-huhhh!
372
00:14:53,784 --> 00:14:56,424
... and the only candidate
whose campaign will be funded
373
00:14:56,426 --> 00:14:59,545
entirely by the billionaire class!
374
00:14:59,547 --> 00:15:01,963
Ha ha... yeah!
375
00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:05,109
Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg
is bankrolling her campaign
376
00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:08,070
as long as she continues
to keep his tax bracket
377
00:15:08,072 --> 00:15:10,712
at a rate of zero or below!
378
00:15:10,714 --> 00:15:12,175
Uh, what's this?
379
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:16,355
In the words of my
mother not one hour ago...
380
00:15:16,357 --> 00:15:18,036
Don't quote me, don't quote me.
381
00:15:18,038 --> 00:15:20,761
... quote, "I can rap
my 70-year-old knuckles
382
00:15:20,763 --> 00:15:21,958
on a million doors,
383
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,359
or I can strut into
the Bloomberg building
384
00:15:24,361 --> 00:15:26,511
and sell America's soul
385
00:15:26,513 --> 00:15:29,923
to the ninth-richest man in the world!"
386
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,925
Lizz-oh my God.
387
00:15:35,288 --> 00:15:38,327
Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating
388
00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:40,328
- the coveted "voter" demographic,
- _
389
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:43,850
while President Trump hasn't
had a single recent controversy.
390
00:15:43,852 --> 00:15:46,619
Here to comment, Kellyanne
Conway and Larry Kudlow.
391
00:15:46,621 --> 00:15:49,243
We're proud to announce
that, this week, the President
392
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:52,125
hasn't tweeted a single
genocidally complicit tweet.
393
00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:55,137
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! ♪
394
00:15:55,139 --> 00:15:57,898
That's great. Okay. Bye-bye!
395
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:01,170
Wait! No questions or
condemnations or anything?
396
00:16:01,172 --> 00:16:03,502
Eh, since the President
hasn't said or done
397
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:06,663
anything reprehensible,
there's nothing to discuss.
398
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,625
In other news, j...
399
00:16:08,627 --> 00:16:11,134
Did the President just
do something outrageous?
400
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,277
I j... I just wanted to, uh...
401
00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:15,381
Are you caught up on The Masked Singer?
402
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:18,251
Kelly, the interview's over.
I'm a serious newsman,
403
00:16:18,253 --> 00:16:20,271
and you're wasting my precious air time.
404
00:16:20,273 --> 00:16:22,544
- Nooooooo!
- Coming up, I'll share
405
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:25,648
one of the cartoons I
made during office hours.
406
00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:28,953
Billionaires buying my influence
407
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,414
is for us to know...
408
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,438
and for the American people to find out
409
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,538
when they're forced to buy their
own surgical tools off Amazon.
410
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:38,419
I just wanted to be a leader like you,
411
00:16:38,421 --> 00:16:41,141
but I'm a no-good sole
heir to the most un-killable
412
00:16:41,143 --> 00:16:42,982
political dynasty in the modern era.
413
00:16:42,984 --> 00:16:45,383
Don't worry. Your father's proclivities
414
00:16:45,385 --> 00:16:48,345
have made me an expert
on quashing scandals.
415
00:16:48,347 --> 00:16:51,667
Thank you, Mother! I knew
you'd always be there for...
416
00:16:51,669 --> 00:16:54,428
Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated
417
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,550
with this campaign or family!
418
00:16:56,552 --> 00:16:58,271
It's sick, what she did!
419
00:16:58,273 --> 00:17:00,432
She's the bad Clinton now.
Everyone write that down.
420
00:17:00,434 --> 00:17:03,393
In her stead, we will be
adopting a new daughter,
421
00:17:03,395 --> 00:17:05,034
Huma Abedin!
422
00:17:05,036 --> 00:17:06,955
We look forward to a
peaceful transition.
423
00:17:06,957 --> 00:17:08,116
What's all this?
424
00:17:08,118 --> 00:17:09,997
We'll talk about it later, Chels!
425
00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:11,798
♪ Awk-ward ♪
426
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:16,441
Tapper, baby, wassup, man?
427
00:17:16,443 --> 00:17:18,402
You need some guests for the show today?
428
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,923
You can roll your eyes
while Larry and I rationalize
429
00:17:20,925 --> 00:17:23,365
the President fracking
an inner-city playground!
430
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:26,687
The President's old hat. No
one's heard from him in days.
431
00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:29,848
And you two are getting
on a Tapper's last nerve!
432
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:32,170
I'm so glad he said yes.
433
00:17:32,172 --> 00:17:35,572
I can't wait to go on television...
434
00:17:35,574 --> 00:17:38,293
Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
435
00:17:38,295 --> 00:17:41,495
Actually, hold on.
436
00:17:44,499 --> 00:17:48,219
Sorry. I had to flush my
old drugs down the toilet.
437
00:17:48,221 --> 00:17:49,820
It was from an old jacket.
438
00:17:49,822 --> 00:17:51,941
You know, I'm off that stuff now.
439
00:17:51,943 --> 00:17:55,063
That's old Kudlow. New
Kudlow... clean Kuds!
440
00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:56,744
Anyway, let's get you some help.
441
00:17:56,746 --> 00:17:59,105
Okay. Now someone can call!
442
00:17:59,107 --> 00:18:01,827
I hope you're happy, Mother!
443
00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:04,908
I am so politically toxic,
Simon & Schuster said
444
00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:07,070
"Color-Blind Hedge-Fund:
The Lakelynne White Story"
445
00:18:07,072 --> 00:18:09,671
- has been shelved!
- Take a step back.
446
00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:13,593
I did what's best for Americans,
specifically one American, me.
447
00:18:13,595 --> 00:18:17,876
I was so wrong to spend my
every waking minute admiring you!
448
00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:19,917
- Dad, let's go.
- Sorry, Chels!
449
00:18:19,919 --> 00:18:21,638
Your mother has a manilla folder
450
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,399
that makes our arrangement
extremely binding.
451
00:18:24,401 --> 00:18:26,200
I need to get out of this house.
452
00:18:26,202 --> 00:18:27,881
I'm getting a four-star hotel.
453
00:18:27,883 --> 00:18:29,442
I'll charge the foundation.
454
00:18:29,444 --> 00:18:31,924
Yeah, I know how to charge
the foundation myself!
455
00:18:33,647 --> 00:18:37,447
If you're gonna Lizz-go,
then just Lizz-go!
456
00:18:44,293 --> 00:18:47,052
Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate.
457
00:18:47,054 --> 00:18:48,973
I'm Anderson Cooper,
and I've never once felt
458
00:18:48,975 --> 00:18:50,294
a hint of imposter syndrome.
459
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,695
Hi, Andy. How's your
new Springer Spaniel?
460
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:55,057
Please refrain from revealing
we all know each other socially.
461
00:18:55,059 --> 00:18:57,378
Secretary Clinton, what do
you think your voice brings
462
00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:59,179
to the 2020 primary election?
463
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,301
I'm just here to represent
the issues of my constituents.
464
00:19:02,303 --> 00:19:05,583
And billionaires, according
to your own daughter! Boom!
465
00:19:05,585 --> 00:19:07,144
Oooohhhhh!
466
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,544
I can take the heat.
467
00:19:08,546 --> 00:19:10,986
Otherwise, why would my
bag contain hot sauce?
468
00:19:10,988 --> 00:19:14,068
Hey! Cultural appropriation is
my gaffe. Get your own!
469
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,069
Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you.
470
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,910
We got your whole thing covered.
471
00:19:17,912 --> 00:19:20,791
I'm the billionaire shill,
Warren's the pissy mom,
472
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,833
Bernie's the one with
a hospital bracelet,
473
00:19:22,835 --> 00:19:24,714
and Pete's the one who wants it too bad!
474
00:19:24,716 --> 00:19:27,435
Hey! Hey! Can I say something?
475
00:19:27,437 --> 00:19:29,556
I just wanted to say
476
00:19:29,558 --> 00:19:32,198
that there's still some
work to be done in Iraq.
477
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:37,201
I'm still mad at her, but
she's got a point about Iraq.
478
00:19:39,004 --> 00:19:41,843
Hey, let's just watch
Tapper until the cops get here.
479
00:19:41,845 --> 00:19:43,524
Pretend he's scolding you!
480
00:19:43,526 --> 00:19:45,205
Hillary Clinton's back in the race,
481
00:19:45,207 --> 00:19:46,806
which brings us to tonight's
482
00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:49,328
- President Chump: Hillary Edition.
- _
483
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:52,890
Hillary Clinton is racing
for the Democratic nomination.
484
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,290
But without Chelsea Clinton,
485
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:57,252
her political boat
has started to... rock,
486
00:19:57,254 --> 00:20:00,494
a genre of music made
famous by British celebrity
487
00:20:00,496 --> 00:20:02,175
Keith Richards.
488
00:20:02,177 --> 00:20:04,496
No comment has been
made by President Chump,
489
00:20:04,498 --> 00:20:06,938
which seems... fishy?
490
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:09,379
Perhaps the President is out to sea,
491
00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:13,221
aboard his favorite vessel,
the USS Unaccountable.
492
00:20:15,384 --> 00:20:16,783
And that's our show.
493
00:20:16,785 --> 00:20:19,385
Sorry we didn't get to any news at all.
494
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:20,865
Stay with me, Kellyanne!
495
00:20:20,867 --> 00:20:23,027
Losing relevance... fast!
496
00:20:23,029 --> 00:20:25,708
Broadcast television! Hurry!
497
00:20:27,511 --> 00:20:29,590
A chardonnay and a shot
of hot sauce, please?
498
00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:30,714
Stop it.
499
00:20:30,716 --> 00:20:33,353
Is this seat bought by
the oligarchal class?
500
00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:34,953
I just don't get it, Bernie.
501
00:20:34,955 --> 00:20:37,315
I thought everyone
wanted me to run again.
502
00:20:37,317 --> 00:20:40,227
You ever love someone, but
sometimes some of the things
503
00:20:40,229 --> 00:20:41,891
they say make your skin crawl?
504
00:20:41,893 --> 00:20:43,398
Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too?
505
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,240
What I'm saying is that's how
America feels about you.
506
00:20:46,242 --> 00:20:48,561
Just because everybody
retweets you calling
507
00:20:48,563 --> 00:20:50,522
Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron"...
508
00:20:50,524 --> 00:20:52,603
- So true!
- ... doesn't mean they trust you
509
00:20:52,605 --> 00:20:54,605
to stand up to Wall Street executives
510
00:20:54,607 --> 00:20:56,886
when you're sharing
an au pair with them!
511
00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,876
Maybe people would've liked me
512
00:20:58,878 --> 00:21:01,981
if I had someone's
"grassroots" endorsement!
513
00:21:01,983 --> 00:21:05,253
Don't start. I campaigned
for you more than anyone else!
514
00:21:05,255 --> 00:21:07,934
"Oh, I don't know.
I guess if you have to vote,
515
00:21:07,936 --> 00:21:09,855
vote for, uh, Hillary something".
516
00:21:09,857 --> 00:21:12,617
It was a full-throated endorsement!
517
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,298
The throat was full!
518
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:18,060
Thirty-six hours on,
fifteen minutes off.
519
00:21:18,062 --> 00:21:20,381
- Time to get back to work.
- Mr. President,
520
00:21:20,383 --> 00:21:22,462
you need to come out of the Oval Office
521
00:21:22,464 --> 00:21:26,144
and do something racist or
start a fire or something.
522
00:21:26,146 --> 00:21:27,745
- Charlie?!
- No, idiot!
523
00:21:27,747 --> 00:21:29,466
Charlie's not real!
524
00:21:29,468 --> 00:21:31,748
We created a whole fake Oval Office
525
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,109
so we didn't have to defend
you when you tweet stuff like
526
00:21:35,111 --> 00:21:38,631
"Happy Labor Day to Whites
and non-Whites alike".
527
00:21:38,633 --> 00:21:42,314
I'd rather live in a
simulated perfect world
528
00:21:42,316 --> 00:21:43,954
where everything I say goes
529
00:21:43,956 --> 00:21:45,796
than a sometimes rainy real world
530
00:21:45,798 --> 00:21:47,717
where everything I say goes.
531
00:21:47,719 --> 00:21:49,398
- Waaa-goo!
- But, Kellyanne, man.
532
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,920
S-She needs broadcast television, stat.
533
00:21:51,922 --> 00:21:53,240
She's gonna wither away!
534
00:21:53,242 --> 00:21:56,762
Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril!
535
00:21:56,764 --> 00:21:58,803
There's no words
you could say, Kudlow...
536
00:21:58,805 --> 00:22:01,645
not one string of words in the world
537
00:22:01,647 --> 00:22:03,045
that could possibly pull me
538
00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:04,966
out of this incredibly stinky paradise.
539
00:22:04,968 --> 00:22:06,287
Hillary Clinton's
540
00:22:06,289 --> 00:22:09,529
- running for President.
- You say what now?
541
00:22:09,531 --> 00:22:11,810
Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.
542
00:22:11,812 --> 00:22:15,212
Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow!
543
00:22:15,214 --> 00:22:16,933
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
544
00:22:16,935 --> 00:22:19,375
Sure, writing books with
you never made me happy,
545
00:22:19,377 --> 00:22:21,216
and, sure, I still wish I could fuse
546
00:22:21,218 --> 00:22:24,017
some of my blood into Huma's
and slap your name on her,
547
00:22:24,019 --> 00:22:26,819
but at the end of the day,
the daughter I've been given
548
00:22:26,821 --> 00:22:28,780
thinks I'm pretty cool,
549
00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:31,021
and that's been great for my ego.
550
00:22:31,023 --> 00:22:33,102
And I'm sorry, too.
551
00:22:33,104 --> 00:22:35,344
It was selfish of me to
try and make you proud.
552
00:22:35,346 --> 00:22:37,905
From now on, I'll stick to
elevating your image,
553
00:22:37,907 --> 00:22:39,906
no matter how passed
out in an unmarked van
554
00:22:39,908 --> 00:22:41,227
from heatstroke you are.
555
00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:42,788
I forgive you, Chelsea.
556
00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:45,389
Now, what do you say we
call off this campaign
557
00:22:45,391 --> 00:22:47,471
and get back to scouting Craigslist
558
00:22:47,473 --> 00:22:50,312
for desperate ghostwriters?
559
00:22:52,355 --> 00:22:54,274
Hillary!
560
00:22:55,517 --> 00:22:59,077
Must... roast... Hillary!
561
00:22:59,079 --> 00:23:02,039
No bars! Can't tweet!
562
00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:05,761
Hillary!!!
563
00:23:05,763 --> 00:23:08,068
Breaking: Hillary Clinton
564
00:23:08,070 --> 00:23:10,469
- has suspended her campaign, the shortest
- _
565
00:23:10,471 --> 00:23:12,871
and most whip and
nae-nae filled in history.
566
00:23:12,873 --> 00:23:14,312
Let's take it live.
567
00:23:14,314 --> 00:23:17,513
I have bad news for the
200 million Americans
568
00:23:17,515 --> 00:23:19,635
who planned to vote
for me this November...
569
00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:24,678
Turn on the cameras!
570
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,210
I have to insult Hillary!
571
00:23:27,212 --> 00:23:29,514
This campaign was never about me.
572
00:23:29,516 --> 00:23:32,539
It was about the millions
of Americans who idolize me.
573
00:23:32,541 --> 00:23:36,004
But it's time for me to make
room for the new Blue wave.
574
00:23:36,006 --> 00:23:37,708
That's why I'm endorsing
575
00:23:37,710 --> 00:23:40,773
fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos!
576
00:23:40,775 --> 00:23:43,757
A chicken in every pot,
a crap in every pants.
577
00:23:43,759 --> 00:23:46,142
And now my nice daughter, Chelsea,
578
00:23:46,144 --> 00:23:48,211
- will say a few words.
- I n...
579
00:23:48,213 --> 00:23:50,812
And we're cutting away from
Hillary's campaign suspension
580
00:23:50,814 --> 00:23:53,334
to the White House, where
Donald Trump has emerged
581
00:23:53,336 --> 00:23:55,175
a little worse for wear.
582
00:23:55,177 --> 00:23:56,736
- Ohh!
- _
583
00:23:56,738 --> 00:23:59,577
Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up!
584
00:23:59,579 --> 00:24:02,259
She's colluded with John McCain,
585
00:24:02,261 --> 00:24:05,981
with Benghazi because
she's inside the Ukraine!
586
00:24:05,983 --> 00:24:09,006
Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away!
587
00:24:09,008 --> 00:24:10,784
Now, who on Earth would defend
588
00:24:10,786 --> 00:24:12,988
this kind of behavior
from the President?
589
00:24:12,990 --> 00:24:14,626
Well, helloooo, Jake!
590
00:24:14,628 --> 00:24:15,990
- Aaggghhhhh!
- It's great to be back.
591
00:24:15,992 --> 00:24:19,148
The fake news media are once
again spreading baseless lies.
592
00:24:19,150 --> 00:24:21,030
The President wishes Hillary well.
593
00:24:21,032 --> 00:24:24,191
Public trial! Town square!
594
00:24:24,193 --> 00:24:26,433
You're really gonna stand by that,
595
00:24:26,435 --> 00:24:28,434
even though it directly contradicts
596
00:24:28,436 --> 00:24:30,395
the live feed we have of him yelling?
597
00:24:30,397 --> 00:24:32,716
That's right! We may be permanently
598
00:24:32,718 --> 00:24:36,078
eroding America's faith
in its sacred institutions,
599
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,039
but at least we're on TV.
600
00:24:38,041 --> 00:24:39,314
Amen to that!
601
00:24:39,316 --> 00:24:42,001
Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck!
602
00:24:43,404 --> 00:24:45,683
"And then Lakelynne White realized
603
00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:49,125
she should remain secretary
of her mother's trust fund
604
00:24:49,127 --> 00:24:51,647
and lived happily ever after.
605
00:24:51,649 --> 00:24:54,569
- The end".
- Interesting.
606
00:24:54,571 --> 00:24:57,170
It's so good to be writing
again now that this whole
607
00:24:57,172 --> 00:24:59,291
"running for President"
thing is behind you.
608
00:24:59,293 --> 00:25:02,213
I don't need to be
President to be happy.
609
00:25:02,215 --> 00:25:04,694
All I need is my bulletproof ego
610
00:25:04,696 --> 00:25:07,776
telling me that I could easily
be President if I wanted,
611
00:25:07,778 --> 00:25:10,498
and my daughter, Chelsea, who I...
612
00:25:10,500 --> 00:25:12,459
... love!
613
00:25:12,461 --> 00:25:15,180
- Mom! You said it!
- Yes, I did.
614
00:25:15,182 --> 00:25:17,141
Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone.
615
00:25:17,143 --> 00:25:19,543
2024 is around the corner!
616
00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,641
Trump!
617
00:26:19,643 --> 00:26:22,643
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -