- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
Ahh!
So nice to get away from politics
and enjoy a pro-military,
corporate-worshipping gladiator match.
And I'm here with my best friends...
the man who picked a fight
with the biggest, baddest reporter at NPR...
- Hey, hey. - ... and my two lawyers
banned from giving blood.
We can give as much as we want!
Yeah! They just have to burn it!
Look! It's your big campaign ad!
Shut up, Melania! It's on!
Every night, I talk on the phone with Jon Voight.
Hello, America.
Let me introduce myself,
because you will never meet me in person.
I'm Michael Bloomberg,
and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime.
- Oh! What the hell?! - He already had
a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad!
Eh, no big deal. I got out the Voight thing.
This cost me $50 million, but no price is too high
when it comes to buying this election,
so that's basically how this whole thing's gonna go.
I'm buying this election, and you can't stop me.
There's nothing you people can do.
I defy you to even try.
Okay. Wow. He's doing it for me.
Okay. That's all I really got.
Looks like we've got another 30 seconds to kill.
Let's throw in some patriotic stuff.
Looks nice. Yep.
That says it all.
I am not sure what this one is.
No, next.
We're not doing this one. Next.
This is a tourist trap.
What's in that guy's hands? Oh, yuck!
He's right. That is yucky.
So, good luck with your little football thing, everybody.
I hope the Tigers beat the Lasers or whatever.
Ugh! Another ad?!
I hate how much they've commercialized
Pepsi Presents Football.
Betrayal, wrath, vengeance.
From the master of suspense,
former National Security Adviser John Bolton...
Ha ha! Hi, there!
... comes a twisted new tale
of Executive Office intrigue.
"The Room Where It Happened", available wherever and whenever
it's most financially advantageous to John Bolton.
Just remember... it seems exciting,
but at the end of the day, it's still a book.
And soon to be a major motion picture.
Damn it!
These letters should all be the same size!
Looks worse, but it's better!
I'm Lester Holt.
And looking this serious requires clenching
every muscle in my body.
Despite analysts' predictions, the economy shows
no signs of slowing, like a racehorse on its 500th lap
moments before its heart explodes.
President Trump is keeping faith
that our economy will stay strong.
We love this economy, huh?!
It's so great that you should overlook
that I cause a biweekly constitutional crisis!
And because a vibrant economy
is my only remaining argument for re-election,
the economy would never forsake us!
Don't worry.
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after I claim to speak for a higher power
is purely coinci... Aah!
Hey, folks, folks, listen, folks.
A lot of people are saying that I've lost touch,
that before Iowa, I might accidentally endorse apartheid,
but I've never been sharper!
I've got great blood circulation in my eyeballs,
and they haven't found spinal fluid in my urine for weeks!
Hell, I'm gonna live forever!
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after my direct challenge to Father Time
is just a coinci... Aah!
Hell, I'm not worried!
Aah!
Dad, my banker friend Slerve got laid off,
and now he wants to cancel our hunting trip!
Please inform him that the economy is the tits
and he shouldn't cancel.
The economy loves you, Slerve.
- Don't lose faith. - Yeah, whatever, dude.
Dad, our hotels are half-empty,
and economists say the first sign of a downturn
is vacancies at overpriced ratholes!
Boys, the economy is testing us,
just like it did in the early '90s,
the mid-'90s, the mid-late '90s,
and every three years since then.
Those were tough times.
I'll never forget watching our bank accounts
flatline.
I almost swore off money
and became one of those guys that takes baths in the ocean.
But then the economy blessed us with a miracle...
money from my daddy and Russia.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just ask my perfectly calm Treasury Secretary.
Go, go, go! Don't worry about the suitcase full of cash!
It'll be worthless in two hours!
Where are you headed, 'Nuch?!
To sink your savings into this roaring stock market?!
Yeah.
Hey, if my wife, Louise, asks where I am,
ask her what her favorite hobby is
then say I'm buying her whatever clothes or tools
are associated with that hobby.
What are you waiting for, idiot?!
Joe, we saw your last campaign speech!
It was magnificent!
Like watching Mozart lead a symphony of self-delusion.
But we're a tad concerned that you're not "with it".
Hey, come on, folks! Would somebody not "with it"
remember every word from his favorite song growing up?
Come on, folks! Everybody up!
It's time for "Milkshake U-S-A"!
♪ Come on, everybody, from Nevada to Maine ♪
- Okay, Joe. Got it. - ♪ It's Milkshake U-S-A ♪
- Joe, that's good. - Joe, that's enough.
Well, we can... can it now.
Alright. Stop it!
- ♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪ - Jesus, Joe!
If you don't get with it, you'll lose to Trump,
and there goes the dream of Milkshake U-S-A!
Oh, crap! Now I am worried!
This is gonna sound crazy,
but how important is the economy to my re-election anyway?
It's the whole thing, pal, okay? I had Brad run the numbers.
- Who's Brad? Are you Brad? - No.
Brad Parscale, your campaign manager.
Oh, the guy I hired because he looks and acts like the devil?
Sir!
Polls say that voters' top issue is the economy,
second is how much money they have,
third is how much stuff they can buy,
- and fourth is abortion. - Phew!
- Namely, the price of them. - I call bullshit.
My supporters are all multi-faceted,
emotionally complex, deeply erotic human beings.
Money isn't everything. It's not gonna make you happy.
That's why I'm changing my campaign slogan to
"Make America Meaningful Again".
Okay, so, I-I'm gonna head on out.
Okay, that was fucked up.
They really like money.
Let's get out of here. This state smells like shit.
God! I'm, like, shaking.
Welcome to the last Democratic debate
before the Iowa caucuses, where, somehow,
40% of this entire election will be decided.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Joe Biden, and I think we're good.
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and we shouldn't bet on a guy
who's mistaken me for Hillary Clinton and his wife
in the same conversation!
Hillary, geez! Let's talk about this at home!
Joe, it's time to step aside and let a younger,
dangerously unqualified generation take the mantle.
- It's mine! - Joe, get...
- Get the fuck out, Joe! - That's enough!
I can take a hint! I'm no stupid!
Maybe it's time for Joe Biden to step aside
and enjoy the retirement he so richly deserves.
Yes!
Or m-a-a-aybe it's time
to show America that I'm more with it than ever!
No!
I don't care. That's the one I'm gonna do.
Oh, Heavenly Economy, who art in Wall Street,
please bless me with good news I can rub in Maxine Waters' face
in my State of the Union speech.
Slerve!
What's wrong, Don?
Did you just find out I didn't win
North Carolina's Annual Hefty Dad of the Year Award?
Because of the economy, Slerve canceled the hunting trip!
Don, you take three hunting trips a month.
But I was planning to feed an antelope its own ass!
My God, Don! I had no idea!
Dad, it happened!
I told you your hot wife would leave you eventually.
Not that yet. We had to shut down three hotels!
It's as if consumer appetite for watching rats
gnaw on chrome chandeliers has disappeared!
Dad, tell everyone the economists are lying heathens!
Yeah, Dad! Spread the gospel!
I don't know. I never considered myself a prophet.
I'm just a humble egomaniac
with a complete disregard for right and wrong.
Hey. A great man once told Slerve,
"The economy loves you. Don't lose faith".
Wow! If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is!
I'll do it!
The State of the Union is in 72 hours.
- Miller, how's the writing going? - Excellent, sir!
Every time I think of a new euphemism for white genocide,
my fiancée gives me a peck on my forehead!
Oh, be happy for me!
Alright. How do we show Americans
that they live on a big, fancy yacht?
I can dress up as a dolphin.
Ben, we'd all love to see that, but think bigger.
- I can dress up as a whale. - You see, Ben?
Now, that's an idea! What else, while we're hot?
Barr, your good name is synonymous with
Christian virtue. What do ya got?
Well, I suppose we could make it legal to kill economists.
Okay.
That's pretty extreme, but definitely stay after...
I want to game that out.
Uh, I have a non-costume, non-murder idea.
Ooh!
Thinking outside the box, Larry Kudlow. What do ya got?
Uh, I just realized it is a costume idea.
Sorry. Lost a step after the entire decade of cocaine.
Costume idea! Oh, yeah!
The American economy has never been stronger.
If you don't believe me, direct your attention
to the poorest American, Mike Pence.
I just bought a Rolls-Royce, brand-name toothpaste,
and a bird that talks.
Whoo-wee!
Michael. What is this?
Oh, my lively butler.
Just go with it. I'll explain everything
during our evening side-hug.
Oooooh!
Do you require anything else, Monsieur Pence?
Perhaps some salted hand-nuts?
No, fine lady.
And may I say, you do look dashing in that frock.
Oh, how I've longed for the day you'd say that!
But we're from two different worlds...
I a penniless harpsichord prodigy from Provence,
and you, Paris's most famous leather salesman!
Leather sales be damned! I don't need money!
We'll run off to Switzerland and live in the mountains.
I'll breed sheep,
and you'll milk 'em.
So, you know... things are good.
I need your help appearing "with it"!
Tell you what... I'll show you how to pass
your nanny state bills, providing everyone
government-issued breast milk until age 26.
I already have three co-sponsors on that bill.
Plus, I can't support you. You're establishment.
Don't you want to hedge your bet
in case somehow America doesn't go all-in
on a white-haired, raving Jewish socialist?
Fine. But we can't be seen together in public.
People don't recognize me anyway.
They think I'm one of those big dolls you put on your porch
to scare trick-or-treaters!
Because the economy is so bountiful,
we have reached full employment.
And I know it's full because we found
the most unemployable American a job.
I got a job sitting in a field!
Show 'em how it's done, Eric!
No one bother him. He's working.
- Mr. President? - 'Sup?
According to The Post, in 2005, you said Eric wasn't fit
to look at a field, let alone sit in one.
Do you expect us to believe that he's been hired to do just that?
Mind you, he's already sleeping.
Okay. Forget Eric. Let's focus on the positive.
Mike Pence found love with a homely butleress.
You first laid eyes upon me as a butler,
and you'll see me that way for the rest of your life!
Abigail! No!
Dad! I wet the field!
Hey!
It's one of those dolls that scares trick-or-treaters.
Thanks! Don't forget to vote!
Alright. Let's get me woke here.
I assume the first step is apologizing for existing!
I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry.
Apology accepted.
Next, you need to learn to talk about everyone
the same way you talk about white people.
Got it. I'll talk about everyone the same,
even this one hepcat from the old neighborhood.
Went by "Sugarpuff".
He was a bad mama-jamma, old Shug.
Played drums on the corner by bangin' two switchblades
on a can of sweet potatoes.
And that's why I should be president!
How'd I do?
Maybe stay away from race entirely.
- Got it, chickpea. - And gender.
But that only leaves three words...
"look", "folks", and "America".
Guess what's here!
It's the Department of Labor report.
Oh, my God, Daddy!
I bet America added so many jobs
that it'll never have to work again!
Is everything okay?
You look like you did when I told you Jared's religion.
Yes. The economy is good.
That's what it says. "Economy. Good".
Yay!
Can I still afford landscapers to ride like ponies?
Not only that, you can pay for their inevitable back surgery.
I don't think I will, but whoa!
We love this economy, huh?!
It's definitely good!
Otherwise, why would I be
metaphorically showing up at your door at 2 a.m.
covered in sweat, screaming, "You gotta believe me"?!
Dad!
Because you said
that the economy is rocking my nads again,
Slerve uncanceled the hunting trip!
I'm gonna feed an antelope its own ass!
Thanks, Dad!
Crap. There's people of color!
I just know I'm gonna say something dumb!
No, you're not. Just stick to your words.
Look... folks.
Look... look.
Come on, now!
I mean, geez!
Folks! Trump!
Ukraine! Iran!
This isn't who we are!
Look, look, look! I'm telling you!
You know what I mean, folks?
My aunt was right! You rock!
I threw in some words we didn't agree on.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, so, how do I pass sweeping legislation, anyway?
Alright. Here are the unredacted Epstein jet flight logs.
It's all the leverage you need, chickpea.
- Oh, sorry. - I'll let it slide this ti...
- Holy shit! - Crazy, right?
Bill Clinton took an eight-hour flight
from Palm Beach to West Palm Beach.
Mr. President. Are you okay?
Yeah. It's just the economy, impeachment, my presidency.
It's all going so well, it's freaking me out!
- Really? - Are you saying I'm lying?!
I'm not lying!
- Psycho. - I heard that!
- Dad! - Eric's here.
Eric is a worker. Eric, say the economy is good.
I got fired!
The Chinese bought the field
and even made me train my replacement.
I made a friend for life, but it was humiliating.
That's good! The economy did that!
The economy is good!
Everything is good!
Yikes! He sounds like President of the nuthouse.
Uh, more on that later,
because we're joined by Vice President Joe Biden,
fresh off his show-stopping performance.
Hey, folks, look! I'm with it!
This is America! Come on!
It sure is. And what a country it is, huh?
And... Oh, my God!
My eyes are bleeding, aren't they?
It appears so. Uh, wow. Gaffe alert.
Ah, crap! I'm rattled! What was I saying?
Oh, yeah... Back in '59,
Sugarpuff and his friends and me and my friends... white...
arranged a public fight with the winner getting to call
Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop their territory.
I called it off when a social worker said
Sugarpuff is eight years old.
But that's life in Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it?
The State of the Union is in 24 hours!
Assuming my speech is three hours long
with a five-hour standing ovation,
that leaves 32 hours to fix the economy!
Private-island time. See you on the other side, everyone.
I'm taking this.
Hey, we can save this economy, Mr. President.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Immediately inject the banks
with five trillion dollars in taxpayer cash.
- Okay. - _
So, the bankers gave themselves five-trillion-dollar bonuses.
In my defense, that hasn't happened since last time.
Why did you stay on Meet the Press
for the full hour?
I had to talk about the knife fight with Sugarpuff's dad.
No, you didn't! That story was offensive.
And, by the way, no one cares about these Epstein flight logs.
Somehow, the public is comfortable
with a global sex ring!
Ow! Oh, no!
I can't remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
That's the closing bell.
And even though the markets are closed,
the Dow is somehow still erratically
snapping back and forth between being up 1,000 points
and then down 5,000 points.
And to make this day even more disturbing,
on my way to work, I saw a flower wilt in two seconds,
looked in a mirror, and saw the back of my head!
And last night, I died in my dream.
Needless to say, ladies and gentlemen,
we're witnessing a death blow
to the dynasty that was the Trump economy.
In my defense, the only reason I lied about the economy
was because it was easier.
But it hurt total bros like Slerve
who took unnecessary risks and lost it all!
He had to move from the Upper East Side
to a five-bedroom, six-bath in Scarsdale!
When he wants to go home after work drinks,
he has to take the Metro North!
How could a just economy let that happen to a former
starting midfielder from the Hobart lacrosse team?!
- How?! - You know what?
I don't even believe in the economy anymore!
Ditto!
Get out of my house!
- Dad! No! - Where will we stay?!
Oh, yeah. Well, Slerve's, of course.
He's got a theater in his basement.
You ever watch football so loud it gives you a concussion?
No, but I'm eager to try!
The economy is coming to punish me, Melania.
It's only a matter of time before I lose the presidency
and everything I've worked so hard to be handed.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.
Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe.
Tonight, how could this mom let her toe get so big?
I just pray the economy is merciful and doesn't destroy
- my State of the Union speech. - Mm-hmm.
Any last words before I descend to hell?
You should have gotten that toe checked out years ago!
Alright, look, folks.
Come on, now. This is America.
What's going on here? W-what's that?
Hey, Milkshake! I've been looking all over for you!
You remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"?
I'm not tellin'! You'd forget them anyway!
Oh, I really miss that song. How about this?
I'll give you the unredacted flight logs for the Epstein jet.
- Really?! - Yeah. Got 'em right here.
Hmm.
I don't even know if I want to see those.
Some of my favorite directors might be on there.
I won't be able to watch their films
without feeling kind of weird about it.
Come on, man! I gotta get that song back!
Well, then you'll have to learn it again in a new way.
Now wake up!
You're about to piss yourself!
Miiiilllkkkshake!
Oh. You were a bad sign.
Just do it, economy!
Strike me down already!
Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz!
Ugh! Jesus, Ted! What are you doing here?
Well, the ravens can't escape as fast in the rain.
Screaming to the heavens now, are ya?
I've given up.
I just want the economy to smite me already.
So you've tried everything?
Here's the thing about vengeful, omnipotent beings
like the economy.
The only way to atone to them
is to feel pain in their honor.
That's how they know for certain
that your piety outweighs your self-regard.
So give up Tuesday brunch or something?
- Bigger. - Saturday brunch?
Offer a sacrifice!
Then, and only then, will the economy spare you!
It also works for getting into the Senate!
It's State of the Union time!
Bill, I'm screwed!
How come you made more mistakes than I have
and yet nothing sticks to ya?
It's so true.
I mean, I was on that Epstein jet,
and everyone was like, "Well, whatever".
That's what I mean. You're immortal.
I want some of that juju so I can be president.
Oh, no. It's a curse.
It's only pushed me further from the American people.
Your mortality is why people like you.
Just like them, you fear losing touch,
so, out of self-preservation,
you retreat to the blissful days of your youth
when "Milkshake U-S-A" dominated the airwaves.
And that's a good thing?!
Well, elections fall on days when the only people around
to vote are elderly, so you're hot-damn right it is.
Where are you going?
State of the Union is tonight.
I'm gonna show Americans that I'm as lucid as they are.
Bark, bark! That's the sound a dog makes!
Would've been pretty fun, huh?
What? Feeding an antelope its own ass? Yeah, no duh!
But what do you care?
You know, Don, as bad as we've had it...
my cabinet, us...
we've never really suffered at the economy's hands.
We went bankrupt six times!
Right, but my daddy and Russia gave us money
so we had enough to keep the lights on
in our California king-sized tanning beds.
Yeah, I guess that's true. But we're suffering now.
I don't get to see an antelope's face
when I reveal that I just fed it its own ass.
That suffering is not enough to atone for our crimes.
We need to make a sacrifice.
- Okay, Eric, you're up! - No, not Eric.
Something that has value.
Tonight, it's the State of the Union,
which arrives under a cloud of both impeachment
and economic doom.
Also under a rain cloud.
It is drizzling outside, one of those classic Beltway drizzles.
Pace yourself, Chuck.
Oh! And look who's in the chamber.
It's Joe Biden.
Oh, God. What are those dumb lyrics?
- Damn it! - Hey.
I'm sorry about throwing that binder at your head.
It's alright. I splurged for the shock-absorbent hair plugs.
Hey, I'm sorry about running my mouth
like Sugarpuff would back in the neighborhood.
It's okay. Thanks for... trying to grow.
- I brought you something. - Whoa-ho-ho!
The lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
Oh, and it looks like the President
is making his way to the podium.
He's got a stalwart, presidential gait.
He's just walking, Chuck. Let's listen in.
My fellow Americans, over the past week,
I've been guilty of falsely claiming
that I am a prophet of the economy.
And over the past decade,
we've all been guilty of economic greed.
And now we must repent.
That is why, as an offering to the economy,
I'm proposing a tiny, tiny, tiny,
for the wealthiest Americans, tax increase.
No!
Okay, okay!
Or I guess we could sacrifice... Eric Trump?
What?!
Wow! Look at this, huh?
Eric, they love you!
Ho-ho! What an interesting offer.
What do ya say, Eric?
I don't feel like being the sacrifice!
You be the sacrifice!
You're beefier, so it'll mean more to the economy.
What do you say, Eric?
Doesn't sound like we have much time.
Holy crap! The markets are going nuts!
Come on, Eric! The Street wants blood!
Eric, it's the job you were born to do.
Okay, okay! Fine!
Wait, folks! Wait, wait, wait, folks!
Don't listen to that Russian plant.
We don't need to sacrifice
that tall, blond bellhop with no eyebrows!
No, no, no! No joke!
Trump's acting like we have to please the economy,
like we don't have control over our fate.
But take it from someone
who refuses to obey the demands of time.
We can intervene.
Vote for me, and we'll stop
letting the economy push us around.
We'll put in the hard work
to turn our economy into a system ruled by justice!
Or m-a-a-aybe...
it'd be a lot more fun if we sang
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
That was my favorite song growing up!
Me too. Tell you what, you son of a bitch.
You've dragged me through hell,
but we're even if you do you know what.
I declare the State of the Union to be...
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
Everyone, get on up!
♪ A yummy ice-cream milkshake ♪
♪ Everybody shakin' from Nevada to Maine ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay ♪
♪ Malted milk and cow's cream ♪
♪ All mixed up in the thing ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Well, the principal's tryna shut our milkshake down ♪
♪ But not even Mom and Dad can keep this milk out our mouth ♪
♪ Everybody shake from Louisiana to Maine ♪
♪ In Milkshake U-S-A ♪
People do know there are other presidential candidates, right?
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
Eric, I sound so much better than you.
So, how was the hunting trip, Don?
Did you feed an antelope its butt?
I wish. Every time I tried to cut off their asses,
it kind of freaked out.
If it makes you feel better,
I got a job sitting in a meadow.
- That's awesome! - Spill the deets!
It's more of an unpaid internship,
but y-you never know where it could lead.
Hey, Dad, you weren't really gonna sacrifice Eric
to the economy, right?
Well, it looks like everything's back to normal
except the economy.
Do you think the economy will ever come after us?
Don't worry, boys. We're rich.
And the economy can never take that away.
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -