1 00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,708 [Welker] From Nashville, Tennessee, 2 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,668 it's the final presidential debate. 3 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,545 I'm Kristen Welker, the latest in a long line 4 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:48,548 of female journalists the President hates more than ISIS. 5 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,592 Tonight, I will be muting the candidates' mics 6 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,719 during their opponent's remarks, which tells you 7 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,929 all you need to know about one of these candidates. 8 00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:58,600 Wow! Isn't this great? Things are going so well for me! 9 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,101 I'm down by ten points, 10 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:03,438 and my hail mary's calling Lesley Stahl the C-word. 11 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,606 The "C" stands for -- -[click] 12 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,608 And Vice President Biden. 13 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,568 Hey there, America! This is the last time 14 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,945 you'll be seeing me in public till Election Day, 15 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,906 so get a good looky-loo! 16 00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:16,242 Mr. President, as COVID cases rise nationwide, 17 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,078 how do you plan to fight the pandemic? 18 00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:20,080 Kristen, the election's in like three days. 19 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,082 I got major senioritis. 20 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,333 Basically, I'm only thinking 21 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,668 about the post-election trip to Six Flags. 22 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,922 This country is a rabid dog that ran off with the shotgun 23 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,924 that's supposed to put it out of its misery. 24 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,259 I'm gonna actually listen to the scientists. 25 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,928 Especially if there's a real pretty one 26 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,429 who puts her hair up with a pencil 27 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,099 then lets it down after a long night in the lab! 28 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,391 Look at me! 29 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,185 Brains and beauty! Yoo-hoo! 30 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,187 President Trump, do you believe 31 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,439 America has a systemic race problem? 32 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,192 No one has done more for Black Americans than I have, 33 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,611 except for Abe Lincoln, the only president I know about. 34 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,780 You're dang right America has a race problem! 35 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,116 Which is why I want to take us back to the days 36 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,909 when Barack Obama was President 37 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,828 and white Americans could feel fine 38 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788 ignoring the race problem! 39 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,623 Mr. President, do you see Russia 40 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,959 as a threat to U.S. election integrity? 41 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,920 For my response, I'd like to rehash the latest Hunter Biden 42 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,465 revelations using keywords that can be cut into an attack ad. 43 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,135 Hard drive. Ukraine. Criminal. Not nice. Bad stuff. 44 00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,929 Hey! I'm proud of my unemployable son! 45 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,266 Thanks, Dad. You love me so much, it makes me PISSED OFF! 46 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,518 I am the least-racist person in this room. 47 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,186 Kristen, I'm looking at you! 48 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,855 I heard you say backstage 49 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,482 that you think Italians are a little much. 50 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,818 When I'm president, my number-one priority 51 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,820 will be making windows tiny! 52 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113 I knew it! 53 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,948 As we all know, Barack Obama 54 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,742 was about to start nuclear war with North Korea, 55 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,494 and I had to run into the Oval Office 56 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,121 in slow motion and scream... 57 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,497 [slowly] N-o-o-o-o! 58 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,916 Think of the children! 59 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:51,462 Of which I have four! Or five! 60 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,089 Shit. We're almost out of time, 61 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,341 and we need to cover the biggest threat to mankind. 62 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,927 Just some up your climate-change thing in five words. 63 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,429 Green New Deal but less! 64 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,389 74 years old. Don't care. 65 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,349 By the way, Kristen, I respect very much 66 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,727 the way you're handling this. -Nope. We're not doing that. 67 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,855 Kristen, you're acting like a real Lesley Stahl right now. 68 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,815 Enough! This whole thing is rigged! 69 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:14,027 It's completely unfair that Joe is more likable than me! 70 00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:16,362 I'm leveling the playing field with a surprise guest 71 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,531 who answered the phone halfway through the first ring. 72 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,910 Did someone say "likability problem"? 73 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,037 Listen up, Dangerous Donald. 74 00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,539 Healthy Hillary says you better kick 75 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:30,043 this Pokémon COVID in the Cardi B-hind. 76 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,295 -[audience groans] -Oh, that's the stuff. 77 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,131 She's like a warm, unbearably itchy blanket. 78 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,675 Kristen, you couldn't mute me if you tried. 79 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,302 Stay strong, Ghislaine! 80 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,387 That's all the time we have. Thanks for joining us. 81 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,555 And don't forget -- 82 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,349 the election is in...two weeks?! 83 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,017 Holy fucking shit! 84 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:51,189 Grab anything that's not bolted to the White House floor! 85 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,988 [news-intro music plays] 86 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,241 Welcome to Meet the Press. I'm your host, Chuck Todd. 87 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:04,160 And contrary to popular opinion, I have lost all my baby teeth. 88 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,995 Today we're discussing Trump's latest 89 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,914 "Work From School" initiative, which would turn our nation's 90 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,124 public schools into underage workhouses. 91 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,126 Here to respond are two Democrats so powerful, 92 00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:13,878 they don't feel the need to flaunt it 93 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,922 with a bunch of fancy legislative accomplishments -- 94 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715 Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi. 95 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,259 We'd like to go on the record 96 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,761 disavowing the Work From School program 97 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,388 as "not nice"! 98 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,765 Let me be clear -- the Democratic Party 99 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,059 only tolerates child labor abroad. 100 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,270 If President Trump is not careful, 101 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,147 we will have no choice but to strongly denounce him. 102 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,858 We're not there yet, but that strong denunciation 103 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,361 is locked and loaded on the tips of our tongues. 104 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,612 Strong language, Chuck. 105 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,364 Powerful words from a powerful Chuck. 106 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,116 -Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck. -That's enough, Chucks! 107 00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:45,034 With the President's popularity sinking faster 108 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:48,037 than the tit-titular ship, uh, in the movie Titanic, 109 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,123 Democrats seem poised to control the House and Senate, 110 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,958 which means a lot of power for the both of you. 111 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,251 -Yes! -I haven't a-- 112 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,294 I haven't asked my question yet. 113 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,628 Exactly. 114 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,381 [Pelosi] Look at us. Televised as hell! 115 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,383 We are damn good at our jobs. 116 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,885 Bust out the Aspercreme! 'Cause you're getting a workout 117 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,721 when the Dems win the Senate. 118 00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,557 First? Defund the police. Then universal healthcare. 119 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,975 Then we enter Phase Four, 120 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,060 which I like to call "Guillotine Time"! 121 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,979 Please. We're the Democratic Party. 122 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,648 We don't do things. We let the other guys do things 123 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,817 then look at what they did and say, "What are ya gonna do?" 124 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,320 As famous old guy Peter Parker once said, 125 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,364 "With great power comes great responsibility." 126 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,616 The left will not squander a Senate majority. 127 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,909 Not on my Apple Watch. 128 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,537 [Collins] Delicious! 129 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,415 This is exactly how I like my steak -- 130 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,793 overcooked on the outside and frozen on the inside. 131 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,463 That way, I can have all the temperatures at once 132 00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,173 and don't have to choose. 133 00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,008 Eat up, Susie! You deserve it! 134 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,261 You never call me out, and you always defend my behavior! 135 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,639 You're a true friend to me and democracy! 136 00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,809 I'm happy to serve a small minority of my country, 137 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,437 but I'm worried I might lose re-election 138 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,190 if I endorse or don't endorse Trump. 139 00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,025 If you want, I can teach you to sob 140 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,943 until they let you keep your job! 141 00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,030 I just wish reporters would stop bullying me. 142 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,783 Whatever happened to the Grand Old Party 143 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,785 of zero accountability? 144 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,453 Just say the first thing that comes to your mind 145 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,164 then let everyone elevate you to a station of power. 146 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,666 Although, results may vary because you're a -- 147 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,127 [retching] a woman! I'll try. 148 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,171 [reporter] Senator Collins, will you be voting 149 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,714 for President Trump's re-election? 150 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,175 Uh...um...um... 151 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:28,262 [Collins] Ouch! That window was closed! 152 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:32,225 However, it was very clean. Five stars on Yelp! 153 00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:35,478 -[cheers and applause] -Change! Forward! Yes, we can! 154 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,189 When they go low, we go high hopes! 155 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,441 Join me in celebrating our tag team 156 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,193 of legislative responsibility, 157 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,487 Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi! 158 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,239 -[cheers and applause] -Do you hear this? 159 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,366 He's selling them hope and change again! 160 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,326 Don't worry. He'll be a good Democrat 161 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,620 and keep his promises frustratingly vague. 162 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,247 Remember what we did the last time 163 00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,499 Democrats controlled the House and Senate? 164 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,084 We passed Obamacare. - ominous chord strikes 165 00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:01,337 And all we had to do was leverage the political power 166 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,090 of every elected Democrat in the United States, 167 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,342 burn all the good will earned from electing the nation's 168 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,594 first African-American president, 169 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,597 and fuel the rise of the far-right Tea Party movement. 170 00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:15,601 We gave many, but not all people moderately expensive healthcare 171 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,438 for four glorious years of congressional gridlock. 172 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,898 And with Pelosi and Schumer, we can do more. 173 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,275 [crowd member] Whoo! 174 00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,278 We're setting them up for failure, baby! 175 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,822 I'm Bolf Witzler, 176 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,574 and, yes, I just made a mistake. 177 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,951 Senator Collins suffered a humiliating gaffe 178 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,078 when she dodged a reporter's question 179 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,122 by plunging through a glass window. 180 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,957 But the public still wants to know... 181 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:41,210 will Collins vote for President Trump's re-election? 182 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,838 It used to be that a public official's vote 183 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,965 was between them, their ballot box, 184 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,801 and the donors who filled in the ballot for them. 185 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:52,138 What? Yeah! Uh-huh! Just tell them to check in 186 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,183 after Squee's annual OctSqueeberFest bash! 187 00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:57,268 If I tell them I'm voting for Trump, 188 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,769 I'll lose my trademark 189 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,732 "will she, won't she, she will" reputation. 190 00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,609 Life was easy back then. 191 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:08,279 I just went to the family bar, shook a few barnacled hands, 192 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,323 and won my first Senate race. 193 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,492 If only I could do that now... 194 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:13,951 [snoring] 195 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,454 Moose! I'm horny! [sighs] 196 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,332 [Schumer] We brought you here today 197 00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,459 to discuss the future of the Democratic Party. 198 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,961 -Universal Healthcare?! -Enacting policies that improve 199 00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,963 the American people's lives for the better?! 200 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,675 -Amy Klobuchar?! -No. No. And no way in hell. 201 00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:32,845 We're announcing an agenda for the first 100 days of office 202 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,764 if Democrats take control of the Senate. 203 00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:38,559 A radical plan that will change politics as we know it! 204 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,436 This is the same agenda as always, 205 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,355 but in a different fuckin' font! 206 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:43,940 Yeah! A cool new font. 207 00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:46,400 [together] Garamond, to be specific. Jinxies! 208 00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,236 I represent the people, 209 00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,321 and the people want what the people want, 210 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,740 and the people, they don't want that, people! 211 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,158 Calm down, Bernard. 212 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,369 This isn't the "Joe Roegman" Radio Hour. 213 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:59,705 I came out of super-max quarantine for this? 214 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,833 Shape up, or this party will be sabotaged by millennials 215 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,711 who have a lot of anger towards JK Rowling 216 00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,838 and nowhere else to channel it! 217 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,384 [Collins] You got this, Collins. 218 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,845 Just say nothing and everything at the same time. 219 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,139 You will not jump out of a window again. 220 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:18,808 [reporter] Senator Collins! 221 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,226 Will you be supporting Trump's re-election? 222 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,979 Um, uh, b-- Well -- Uh, d-double talk. 223 00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:25,356 Uh -- Aah! 224 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,024 Uh-oh, oh, no 225 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,235 Susan Collins has to have an opinion 226 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,320 -[tires squeal] -What the hell?! 227 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,114 Uh-oh, uh-oh 228 00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,157 Susan Collins has to make up her mind 229 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:37,326 Oh, she's so indecisive! 230 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,287 Uh-oh, oh, no 231 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,206 Susan Collins has to state a point of view 232 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,918 [Collins] Susan is unavailable for comment. 233 00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,254 Uh-oh 234 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,631 -Brett, is that you? -Yes. 235 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,050 Oh, thank God you're not some journalist here 236 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,011 to ask me personal questions like, 237 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,721 "Why are you covered in glass?" 238 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,472 Anyway, why are you in the wall? 239 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,266 Ohh! That's where I am? 240 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,226 I just woke up from a two-day bender 241 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,353 and assumed I was in my coffin! 242 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,314 I can't live like this anymore. 243 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,649 How about we get the heck out of here? 244 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:11,569 -But where will we go? -Far, far away, 245 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,738 to a land where the city seal 246 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,532 is a reindeer drunk-driving a snowmobile. 247 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,117 Caribou, Maine. 248 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,037 Awesome! A place where no one will call me out! 249 00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,372 All my demons live in the Washington area. 250 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,583 Escape your demons with me! 251 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,585 As long as I can drink in the backseat! 252 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,878 Is that legal? 253 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,630 I don't know! Do you know? 254 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466 I don't know, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. 255 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,634 Shouldn't you know? 256 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,719 I don't know!! Case closed! 257 00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,639 -[Pelosi] I had the worst dream. -[Schumer] Me too. 258 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,432 [together] I dreamed I was talking like... 259 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,310 -Bernie Sanders! -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! 260 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,854 Promise me we'll never have to know the chaos of a blank 261 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,440 Word document titled "Green New Deal Brainstorm." 262 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,692 Controlling the House is only symbolic power. 263 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,152 It grants me access to the 264 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,321 Speaker of the House-only bathroom. 265 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,198 There's only one option. Let's destroy 266 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,158 Democrats' chances of winning the Senate 267 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,869 so we never, ever have to be accountable for our power. 268 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,163 Let's get our asses kicked! 269 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,165 So... what are you wearing? 270 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,834 A type of girdle that was made illegal in 1982. 271 00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,503 Good night, Chuck! 272 00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:12,838 If we're going to lose the Senate, 273 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,007 we must target these three marks. 274 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,885 North Carolina. Colorado. Arizona. Got it. 275 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,762 And who better to sink our chances 276 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,932 than agent of chaos Hillary Rodham Clinton. 277 00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,850 You know what to do. Lose! 278 00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,186 You do it better than anyone else. 279 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,897 Ha ha! Well, I won the popular vote. 280 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,608 Yes! Talk to everyone exactly like that! 281 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:36,278 Pokémon Go... to the mines! 282 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,114 [Collins] This is it. 283 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,950 Where is the booze? Where's P.J. and mah boys? 284 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,451 Where's the body shots and the bodies 285 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,161 that the shots go on top of? 286 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,498 This place is a dump! And not the cool kind like O'Shittery's! 287 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,834 I don't think bars come with the "party." 288 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,086 We have to "start" the business. 289 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,089 Oh. How do you "start" "a" "business"? 290 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,507 Good question. 291 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,176 How do you find new places to drink? 292 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,846 Me and the Kavasquad drive till I hit a telephone pole, 293 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,724 then we make the tow-truck driver stop at his favorite bar. 294 00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,560 But how do you find a bar when your license is suspended? 295 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,270 Sometimes I'll see a commercial 296 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,230 that says my favorite radio jockey, 297 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,859 Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian, is making a club appearance! 298 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,279 Hmm. It sounds like you're suggesting we make an ad. 299 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,782 Yeah! Holy shit! I'm gonna be on TV! 300 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,076 I'll start working on my crying face! 301 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:28,497 [sobbing wildly] 302 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,957 [somber organ music playing] 303 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,917 [Schumer] Because Hillary made coal miners 304 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,753 do the Renegade dance at gunpoint, 305 00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:37,339 We are gathered here today to mourn our tanking poll numbers 306 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,759 in Senator Hickenlooper's Colorado race. 307 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,846 If we could please bow our heads for a moment of silence. 308 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,432 [reporter] Sorry for interrupting whatever this is, 309 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,934 but President Trump has just outsourced the management 310 00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352 of his Work From School program 311 00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,855 to mercenary Blackwater Contractors? 312 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,690 So...that's bad? 313 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,777 This has caused a polling upswing for Senate Democrats. 314 00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,278 [angrily] Damn it! 315 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,113 I mean -- [sweetly] Damn it. I mean, uh, damn it. 316 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,240 Press conference over! Go home to your Games of Throne. 317 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,658 I know I will. 318 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,827 Even when we try to lose, Trump makes us win. 319 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,162 It's time for a hail mary. 320 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,914 Get into the mind of Mitch McConnell 321 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,166 to tank Democrats' chances of re-election for good? 322 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,293 Sounds invasive. We can't do that to a friend. 323 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,128 -Then what? -Let's find out how to sink 324 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,006 the Democratic party from our frenemies, Bernie and AOC. 325 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,175 Ugh! But Bernie chews with his mouth open 326 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,469 whether he's eating or not! 327 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,845 [both shudder] Jinxies! 328 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,766 Do you like bar? Do you like restaurant? 329 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,937 Well, then, have we got a place for you or you! 330 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,314 Come on down. Or don't! 331 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,734 I'm not going to tell you what to do either way. 332 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,945 Are we advertising a bar or a restaurant? 333 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:44,240 I don't know. I don't want to make that decision. 334 00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,658 What if we call it... 335 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:48,118 The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant?! 336 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,287 That's a great idea! 337 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,249 We'll let customers decide what we sell to them. 338 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,334 The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant -- 339 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,169 where a drunk can be a drunk. 340 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,505 Or not! Puuughh! 341 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:03,634 So, what do you panhandling Antifa generals want? 342 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,469 Remember -- we're going to do the opposite 343 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,679 of everything they say. 344 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,639 Chuck, we are on your side. 345 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,475 Yeah. Sure. The same s-- same side. 346 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,519 We want you to listen to constituents 347 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,563 and then pass legislation that reflects their concerns. 348 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,023 "Listen...to... constituents." 349 00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,567 [Bernie] We want you to -- 350 00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,694 Eh, I'm not done writing that line yet. 351 00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:24,321 "Pass...legislation." 352 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,699 And call out Trump but use stronger language 353 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,826 than, "Hey, get a load of this guy." 354 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,579 "Call...out...Trump." 355 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,914 Do you really need to write this down? 356 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,166 This doesn't come naturally to me, okay?! 357 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,626 I'll keep it simple, stupid. 358 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,378 Just denounce Trump at every turn. 359 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,630 Every turn. Or we'll tear this party apart 360 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,340 like it was a budget-line item 361 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,509 promising to buy the police a bazooka. 362 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,137 Okay. Got it. Thank you for your time. 363 00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:49,805 -[door closes] -You know what that means. 364 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,724 [together] Time to align ourselves with Trump 365 00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:53,976 to lose the Senate for Democrats! Jinxies! 366 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,561 Buy me an ice-cream freezer. 367 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,230 Ooh. Not sure I can afford one right now. 368 00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,690 How 'bout a Tesla? 369 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,693 [Kavanaugh] Is the new social-distancing rule 370 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,988 that bars can only have one blackout drunk patron at a time? 371 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,199 We need to do something to get the party going. 372 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,076 I can't decide for myself. 373 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:15,039 I need you sober enough to tell me what to do. 374 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,082 N-o-o-o!! 375 00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,417 [grunting] 376 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,754 Stupid idiot sign with the idiot nails! 377 00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:22,922 [crashing] 378 00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,132 Brett, what did you do? 379 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,093 I ripped this off the sign because it looked at me funny! 380 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,429 You think you're better than me, word-on-a-sign?! 381 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,973 I went to law school! 382 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,767 [customer] The Bar Restaurant Restaurant. 383 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,810 That sounds like a great place to get piss-drunk 384 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:37,978 and yell at my dad! 385 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,814 [Kavanaugh] Whoo! To Squee! 386 00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:43,567 [Schumer] On behalf of the Democratic party, 387 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,611 we'd like to commend President Trump 388 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:48,238 on his brilliant Work From School program 389 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,700 which will kickstart our economy with little children-sized feet. 390 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,410 It's time to put these youngsters to work. 391 00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,870 And if they're old enough to work, 392 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,246 they're old enough to date. 393 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:59,416 Ah-ah-ah! No need to speak, Mr. President. 394 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,045 You've done enough. Thank you for your fearless leadership. 395 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,214 You're right! I am a fearless big boy! 396 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,716 The only thing I'm afraid of is the drug-induced Babadook 397 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,593 who appears each night to sit on my chest 398 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,428 until I agree to nuke Iran. 399 00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,806 Great speech, Mr. President. Let's quit while we're ahead. 400 00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,474 Cool. I gotta call the prime minister 401 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,142 of some [bleep]-hole country anyway. 402 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,103 -Photo opp over! -It's working, Nancy! 403 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:20,521 Polls show support for Democrats 404 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,481 has plummeted after party leaders 405 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,984 did what one voter described as "literally the only thing 406 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,194 they had to avoid doing to pull this one out." 407 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,655 We're projected to lose every toss-up Senate race! 408 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,865 Crisis averted! 409 00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,534 [indistinct conversations] 410 00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:35,119 [man] Hey. What's today's special? 411 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,162 Um, uh, um... 412 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:40,082 Today's special is... Narsty Lite. 413 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,626 Okay. I'll take one of those. 414 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,628 Brett! Did you just see that?! 415 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:48,340 I made a decision, and I shamelessly stuck by it! 416 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,969 I'm a regular Sophie from that movie where she makes a choice. 417 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,639 I didn't see it, but I bet she'd be proud of me. 418 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,684 Susie! Hand me another Narsty Lite! 419 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,602 -O-kay! -[gulping] 420 00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:04,314 A yearbook is like a diary! It is private! 421 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,483 This is actually kind of fun! 422 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,945 Choosing Narsty Lites is like choosing sides. 423 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,239 Maybe I can do it! 424 00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,660 [Schumer] We did it. Soak it in, Nancy. 425 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,996 This is the Senate chamber we'll never control. 426 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,998 [Bernie] We knew it! The establishment 427 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,833 is sabotaging the Democratic party! 428 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,376 We're done. We're starting a new party. 429 00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,837 Your ass is grass, Chucky. -Excuse me? 430 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,006 You heard him! Swing left dot com, 431 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674 hashtag defund democrats, 432 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,302 backslash America's canceled dot gov! 433 00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,263 Look at me. Look at me. We're the captains now. 434 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,224 This is all just a big misunderstanding. 435 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,769 Uh, falso! You blew up the party to spite your base. 436 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,812 Now we're not only losing in the Senate; 437 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,814 we're projected to lose the House! 438 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,274 Lose the House?! 439 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,692 -[together] Obvi! -Jinxies. 440 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,736 Buy me a pair of sustainable TOMS slippers 441 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,822 so another pair will be donated to shoeless children in Africa. 442 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,492 But that means I'll lose the Speaker of the House bidet! 443 00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,869 I can't pee in the same bathroom as Liz Cheney. 444 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,162 She hums! 445 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,539 [rock music playing] 446 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,209 Randy. Heard about you and the wife. 447 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:08,378 You gotta leave her, man. She's holding you back. 448 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,089 I've decided. 449 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,550 Paula, you're deciding between tequila and vodka. 450 00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,053 Hm. Let's go with tequila since vodka makes you play 451 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,180 with that handgun in your purse. 452 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,765 Decided! 453 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,601 A dirty Narsty Lite with six shots of absinthe. 454 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186 You got it, Brett Kavanaugh. 455 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,355 A decision...I've made! 456 00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:27,564 [gurgling] 457 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,109 You know, for a Supreme Court justice, 458 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,113 your taste in drinks is kinda "small-claims court." 459 00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:35,656 -[patrons laughing] -Ha-ha. Ha-ha. 460 00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,825 Okay, okay. I can take it. 461 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,993 It's not like I publicly cry all the time. 462 00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:43,205 I mean, you really do have bad taste. 463 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,041 No wonder you're always on the same side 464 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,710 as that pube freak Clarence Thomas. 465 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,754 -[patrons laughing] -Um, hello! 466 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,298 He's the only other guy whose confirmation was tainted 467 00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:56,468 by credible claims of sexual misconduct! We clicked! 468 00:18:56,510 --> 00:19:00,013 You are the Narsty Lite of appointed judges -- 469 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,684 regrettable in the moment and even worse the next day. 470 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,644 -[patrons laughing] -You can come for me, 471 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,272 but don't you dare insult my Narsty Lite! 472 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,440 You've crossed the line, Collins! 473 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,485 [sobbing] 474 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,654 [Pelosi] What'll happen to democracy 475 00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,574 and my "hashtag boss babe" status if the Democrats 476 00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:19,908 lose the House?! Chuck?! 477 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,785 Are you even listening?! -I hear you. 478 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,579 Well, aren't you gonna say anything? 479 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,997 I'm not worried about it. 480 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,832 You're not worried because you have a plan 481 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,792 or you're not worried because things will be fine? 482 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,003 As long as I'm the last Democratic senator standing, 483 00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:33,005 I'll always have an exclusive pot to piss in 484 00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,882 and oil money to shill. I'm golden. 485 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,675 Have you no shame, sir? 486 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,594 I was fine with doing nothing when the police 487 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,929 were body slamming 90-year-olds. 488 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,599 I was okay with inaction when millions of Americans 489 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,893 lost their jobs because of a global pandemic 490 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:49,146 that we knew was coming and in many instances made money from. 491 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,106 I was even okay when the Arctic started 492 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,817 looking like a melted raspberry slushie. 493 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,445 But I will not lose the Speaker of the House 494 00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,071 bathroom privileges! 495 00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,157 Don't worry, Nance. This will all be worth it in the end. 496 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,950 No power, no problem. 497 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,495 For the first time in our decades-old political alliance, 498 00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,207 I regret co-conspiring with you. 499 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,045 [country music plays] 500 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,630 [glass shatters] 501 00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,174 Hey, who spilled my dirty Narsty Lite?! 502 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,468 [man] Uh, you did. We just saw you. 503 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,178 -Shut up! -[bottle shatters] 504 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,055 [shouting, punches landing] 505 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:24,973 Stop it! Stop it! 506 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,851 This is not what The Bar Restaurant 507 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,687 Restaurant Bar Restaurant is about! 508 00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:34,233 Get out, Brett Kavanaugh. I'm cuttin' you off. 509 00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:37,402 [gasps] How dare you call me out on my destructive behavior! 510 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,863 I thought you were my friend! 511 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,574 [sobbing] 512 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,952 [door closes] 513 00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:51,416 Nobody holds Brett Kavanaugh accountable! 514 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,628 Brett! Don't do it! How could you? 515 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,922 How could me? How could you?! 516 00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,091 You made fun of me in front of all those people 517 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,385 like I'm some kind of drunk clown. 518 00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,928 Well, I mean, c'mon... 519 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,388 You're the clown! 520 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,933 The sad little clown named...Susan Collins. 521 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,102 Fuck! I can't think of anything! 522 00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,104 Fair is fair! You call me a mean name, 523 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,772 I burn your life to the ground! 524 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:16,149 That's the Brett Kavanaugh Experience! 525 00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,693 -[flames rush] -[Collins gasps] 526 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,947 Oh, you are the worst choice I ever made in my life! 527 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,824 And to think, I could have started 528 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,326 The Bar Restaurant Restaurant Bar 529 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,620 with Merrick Garland! 530 00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,956 You made your decision. Live with it. 531 00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:32,457 Buuuughhh! 532 00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:34,501 [sobbing and vomiting] 533 00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:45,095 I'm here to lightly condemn the GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill 534 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,264 mandating a new season of Will & Grace 535 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,975 where every episode ends with Will marrying Grace. 536 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,644 -[funky music playing] -It is very...not nice. 537 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:53,979 And I denounce -- 538 00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:55,856 I'm sorry, but it's just not the same 539 00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:57,482 without anyone to jinxies with. 540 00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,151 [reporter] Sorry. Excuse me. Jinxies? 541 00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:00,485 Is that on the record? 542 00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,154 [funky music playing] 543 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,656 -Isn't this awesome? -I guess. Heh. 544 00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,491 I don't know. Not really. 545 00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:10,996 Then why did the DSA just repost us on their Finstagram? 546 00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:13,665 I don't even know what those words mean. 547 00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,502 [Collins] Thanks for nothin'. 548 00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:20,797 I'm just going to retire from the Senate in dignity. 549 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,299 I've decided. 550 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,259 [incoherent mumbling] 551 00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:26,636 Why's that? 552 00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,143 Oh. You're right. 553 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,355 Another terrible decision in a long line 554 00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,690 of terrible decisions from me. 555 00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:43,236 [crying] You're right. 556 00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:51,578 I don't, either. What's done is done. 557 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:01,880 -What's that? -[grumbles] 558 00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:04,633 -Puuugggh! -[vomit splashing] 559 00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,094 [Obama] Thank you both for coming. 560 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,553 I'm surprised you're not too busy 561 00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,347 flossing with your new comrades. 562 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,350 I'm surprised you're not taking a dump on the House floor. 563 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:17,229 Enough. I brought you together to work out your differences. 564 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,273 I am sick of constantly cleaning up your messes. 565 00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,192 I'm retired. I got a Netflix deal. 566 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,278 I've secretly been to space. Now's the time for party unity. 567 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,073 Enough speeches. Chuck, do you have anything to say to me? 568 00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,741 You were being a selfish prick! 569 00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,159 We're always selfish pricks. 570 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,828 I don't understand why it's suddenly a problem. 571 00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:35,163 Because it affected me! 572 00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,666 It's okay for you not to care about anyone or anything, 573 00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:41,670 but don't direct that narcissistic apathy towards me. 574 00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:43,004 We're a team. 575 00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:45,090 And while there is no "I" in team, 576 00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:46,842 there is an "M" and "E," 577 00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,678 as in "don't fuck with ME ever again"! 578 00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,847 Nancy, I'm sorry. I should have never put 579 00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,682 your Speaker of the House bathroom at risk. 580 00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:56,184 -I forgive you. -I'm so glad we're making up. 581 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,103 Life wasn't the same without you. 582 00:23:58,145 --> 00:23:59,771 I had no one to do jinxies with. 583 00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:03,400 Same. I got carpal tunnel filming AOC's TikToks. 584 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,068 But how do we move forward? 585 00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:07,487 I still don't want to be in charge of anything. 586 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,281 Me neither. But we need to win, 587 00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:11,324 for the sake of our political alliance. 588 00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:14,244 Oh, don't be scared of winning. Nothing will change regardless. 589 00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,329 You're Democrats. You're gonna water down 590 00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,956 all your proposals anyway. 591 00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,624 -[both] Yes, we can. -[Obama] Yes, we can. 592 00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:20,959 can a brother get a jinxies? 593 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,086 This is going to be the hardest 594 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:24,963 we've ever fought for the American people. 595 00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:28,758 Nurses, schmurses! We're the real heroes! 596 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,635 [telephone rings, woman screaming] 597 00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:32,804 Yes, constituent. I hear your concerns. 598 00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:34,389 -We're listening. -[woman screaming] 599 00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,558 Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? 600 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,811 inspirational rock music plays 601 00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:46,651 [Schumer and Pelosi] President Trump is a racist... 602 00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:49,112 authoritarian...The Hague! 603 00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,739 [crowd cheering] 604 00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,159 [reporter] Will you or will you not be voting 605 00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,119 for President Trump's re-election? 606 00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:59,998 Yes, I am here to speak to you all today. 607 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,336 But, no, I did not come here all on my own. 608 00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:09,341 Yes, I did, in fact, get help from Justice Brett Kavanaugh. 609 00:25:09,382 --> 00:25:12,511 No, he is not here right now. 610 00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:16,056 Yes, he is currently unconscious. 611 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:20,477 No, he refuses to get off of my bathroom floor. 612 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,395 Let's do this one more time. 613 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,980 Will you or will you not 614 00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:26,525 be voting for President Trump's re-election? 615 00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:29,861 Yes...to be... or not to be. 616 00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:33,198 That is the question that Hamlet raised 617 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,200 in the movie, uh, Hamlet... 618 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,537 Come on! Some of us have second jobs selling plasma! 619 00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:41,998 Okay, okay. I have made a decision. 620 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,544 And, no, I will not be sharing it with you 621 00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:48,380 until after the winner is announced. 622 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,341 -[reporters groan] -I've decided. 623 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,718 [man] At least she didn't jump out the window this time. 624 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,638 To Squee! 625 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,140 [Schumer] We're supposed to get the e-mail with the Senate race 626 00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:00,892 poll data any minute now. -[ding] 627 00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:03,853 Look, Chuck! There it is! How do we read what's inside? 628 00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:05,981 -Open the attachment. -I don't know how! 629 00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,816 Usually Pete Buttigieg does that for me. 630 00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,317 -Then call him. -God, no. 631 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:11,027 I'm not talking to Politico's Doogie Howser. 632 00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:12,696 Just double-click it! 633 00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:14,239 -I am clicking it. -No, double click it. 634 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:15,907 Do you hear that "click, click, click"? 635 00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,284 I'm clicking it, Nancy! 636 00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:18,535 [ding] 637 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,036 Well, we're in a dead-heat race 638 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,247 with the party responsible for an economic recession, 639 00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:24,791 the rise of fascism, and a pandemic outbreak. 640 00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,794 [together] So, yes, we're winning. Jinxies! 641 00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,379 I'm Anderson Cooper, and my eyes 642 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,423 are what the inside of a glacier looks like. 643 00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:33,633 In congressional news, Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi 644 00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,594 have pledged to use a Democrat-controlled Senate 645 00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:37,262 to do absolutely nothing. 646 00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,222 And sources confirm that Senator Collins 647 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:41,600 hasn't crashed through a Capitol Building window in days. 648 00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:43,977 I'm sure this is exactly how the Founding Fathers 649 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,354 intended the two-party system to function. 650 00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:49,691 Great job, Susie! You decided to not not take a stand. 651 00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:52,027 And hopefully I won't have to. 652 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:55,614 With any luck, the Supreme Court will decide the election. 653 00:26:55,655 --> 00:27:00,452 Democracy lies in your trembling, vomit-covered hands. 654 00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:02,245 [both laughing] 655 00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:03,788 Ah. That is the case! 656 00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,624 [laughing] 657 00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:08,043 Hey, can I pick the next Supreme Court justice? 658 00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,086 I got a Delta Kappa buddy 659 00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:13,798 in a real bad spot, child support-wise! 660 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,383 ['80s-style pop music plays] 661 00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:18,303 Donald Trump is the president 662 00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:21,890 Donald Trump is the president 663 00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:24,351 Is Donald Trump the president? 664 00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:26,144 Yes, he is 665 00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:28,938 Yes, he is, we elected him president 666 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,524 Is Donald Trump the president? 667 00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,360 Yes, he is 668 00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:35,987 We had a vote and elected him president 669 00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:41,117 Donald Trump is the president 670 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,871 Donald Trump 671 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:48,416 He is our president 672 00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:51,753 We made him president 673 00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,089 We did it 674 00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,009 Donald Trump is the president 675 00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:01,137 We elected Donald Trump 676 00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:04,683 Donald Trump is the president 677 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:08,311 Donald Trump is the president 678 00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:11,856 Yeah 679 00:28:11,898 --> 00:28:13,858 Trump!