- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
From the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.
I'm Susan Page of USA Today.
Welcome to the Vice Presidential debate
which, in a matter of hours, went from "Who gives a shit?"
to "Holy shit, one of these people
will be President next week".
- Good evening, Senator Harris. - Thank you, Susan.
As if spending 90 minutes with Mike Pence
wasn't already a pleasure, now it might kill me.
And welcome to Vice President Pence,
who has assured us he is COVID-negative.
Is negative the one where the thermometer
makes the sound of a steam whistle?
Mr. Vice President, keeping in mind
the President is currently hopped up on more pills
than a 1960s housewife,
do you trust his leadership in this health crisis?
Of course, as with all our nation's greatest leaders,
his hands are rattling like paint mixers.
That's right! Everything's going great!
Ask anyone except Chris Christie,
Kellyanne Conway, Hope Hicks, Kayleigh McEnany,
three or four Republican senators
Stephen Miller,
my campaign manager, Rudy Giuliani probably,
and there was one more, uh...
I hate you!
My wife... right, right, right, right.
Senator Harris, how would you describe
President Trump's response to the pandemic?
I don't want to insult a sick man, but I will.
Trump is the dumbest motherfucker
to ever cough up green shit on the Resolute desk.
Whoo! Get him, Kamala!
Hey, Jill! If you're gonna trap me in here,
can you at least bring me some freshly Lysol'd rocky road?
So, Doc, how are my vitals?
Your blood pressure is a perfect 10, sir.
And your shriveled lungs have twisted
into a gorgeous French braid!
Whatever steroids you're pumping into me,
don't change a thing.
I haven't felt this euphoric
since the judge gave my first wife custody of the kids!
Now that there's a distracting fly on my head,
I think that rioting in the streets
is worse than the death of innocent black people.
Glad I got to slip that one in!
Upp, I just lost my sense of smell.
Usually I can sniff out my nearest female blood relative,
and I know for a fact my second cousin's
down the block bleaching her stink ring.
Who the hell am I talking to?
Ladies and gentlemen, now more than ever,
America needs an administration
that isn't actively murdering its citizens.
Oh, little miss perfect here
hasn't committed negligent genocide.
I'll take it from here, Vice Peppermint Patty.
I got a gut full of horse pills, and I'm ready to rip it!
Yee-haw!
As long as he goes one minute before I do, I'll be happy.
Vice President Pence, how do you justify
your running mate licking the safety partition
like it's a big rock candy?
Wow, look at the President's healthy, robust tongue.
Go get 'em, Donald!
Lick that thing like it's my family tree!
That's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us and remember to stay
as far away from the sitting U.S. President as possible.
Want to see my birth certificate?
Nah. I'm good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your next president and my closest friend...
we both love sports and making each other's ethnic group
feel more comfortable with us... Joe Biden!
Speech time! Gonna keep this one apolitical!
Charm, not change!
And where do you think you're going with those, Mister?
My sunnies!
You can have your sunnies after your health care speech.
Millions have been infected by the Coronavirus
and the only thing you've said about it is "Bummer, folks".
Can't Obama do all that Obamacare stuff?
Biden-care? No, he don't!
He better if he wants his sunnies.
Well, can I still come out to my favorite doo-wop record...
The Dungy Brothers? Set it to groove four.
Groove five has some very outdated language
- concerning the Irish. - Give me that.
- No Dungman brothers! - Dungy.
Whoever they are, they sound like a bad influence.
Just go out there, say,
"Health care is good and most people
should have it eventually", and get off the stage.
Good morning, Yawnsville.
I'm Joe Biden and I'm not allowed to do anything cool,
because some people want me to give a stupid, boring speech.
This is my first time outside in seven months!
Some frickin' beef dip, manly...
Some awesomely frothed beers...
couple of funny-as-shit napkins...
All that's missing is every single one of my friends.
Ass!
- Go for Eric! - Where the heck are you?
It's CNN hate-watch night!
Raincheck, Don!
I'm going to a restaurant tonight
with my wife and kids who love me.
Ivanka's here, too!
- Nice to meet you, Dan! - It's Don!
I'm your sister!
And everyone's here and they're all shit-talking you
'cause you're not.
Eric and Ivanka suck!
Yeah, they better be on their way, because they suck.
Sounds cool, Dan, got to go!
Tonight, an interview with Hunter Biden,
a political son whose family continues to embrace him
despite his countless personal foibles.
A family that accepts him?
What a loser, right, guys?
You said it, Dan! It's Don!
- Greetings, Anderson. I see you. - Uh-huh.
Do you think your father's presidential bid
will be affected by your history of alcoholism,
cocaine addiction, philandering, et cetera, et cetera,
and, to be honest, et cetera?
I've replaced my unhealthy vices with healthy ones...
meditation, sensory deprivation tanks,
sensory overload tanks, covering myself in pine nuts
until chipmunks form a blanket on my chest.
Also, I drink 30 Sprite Zeros a day.
How dare he better himself!
Can I have one of your desk candies?
- They'll make you hyper. - Aww.
Joe, the DNC is kind of like one big family.
I'm your dad, Pelosi's your mom...
Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan Chase?
Those are your cousins you have a harmless crush on.
Why are y'all talking soft and nice?
Am I in trouble?
No one's in trouble.
We just know what's best for you,
and you need to take a little break from the trail.
I don't need a break!
I need you two to get off my back!
That's too bad.
Who will we give this Amtrak ticket to?
A nice leisurely ride on the Western Starliner, wasted!
How fun!
But won't the rally miss my inspiring blurts?
You can do all the blurts you want from your own bunk
in that big, loud choo-choo!
A break, eh? Well, I am kind of tired
of running away from my voting record.
Aw, heck, I call top bunk!
We need to take Hunter Biden down, Dad.
This guy named Qua-anon DM'd me some haunted,
Ghostbusters-ass shit about him.
Let's just say there's a reason
Hunter Biden didn't show up to the World Trade Center
the day the Challenger blew up.
Hunter's a dead end, Don.
Trail's colder than Melania's eyes on our honeymoon.
- Zing! - Why is Jared zinging you
and not me, the Prince of Zing?
Jared's on the COVID-19 task force.
Now leave us alone. We're busy.
You'd rather hang out with lame Jared
instead of helping strong me?
We're not hanging, we're task-forcing!
We are hanging after, though.
This guy's never seen Last Man Standing.
- Whaaaat? - I like Tim Allen...
I told Chuck and Nancy I didn't need a babysitter.
I'm just here to help you with your Trump stratagem.
Stratagem's duller than unscented lady's shampoo.
I'm on vacation. I want to do something fun!
I could regale you with a spooky story
about the old socialist boogeyman
who steals primaries in the middle of the night.
Or I could do my own thing! Party time!
♪ Havin' some fun on the Amtrak train ♪
Back in the '70s, when I was anti-abortion,
these bars only cost two horses' dimes!
Hi, trees! Hi!
Hi! Hi!
Drone striiiiiike!
Then in the '80s, when I got quieter
about being anti-a-woman's-right-to-choose
but was still very much not digging on it,
they bumped chocolates up to 50 cents!
Hello. Hello.
How do you do?
Yemeni air raid!
♪ Havin' some fun on the Amtrak train ♪
Then in 2001, they were a whole dollar!
And me? No longer against Roe v. Wade!
On paper.
Hi.
Dumb trees don't even talk!
Yow! Need my sunnies.
Pelosi's got 'em.
You won't pillow fight me.
The snack cart lady won't let me guess her conditioner.
If I wanted a sucky train ride I'd have taken
the 4:23 Northeast Regional toward Towson!
Why don't you just
investigate Hunter Biden yourself?
You work best alone.
Like last night when you threw that party no one went to
and I had the house to myself?
Even if I became the ultimate lone wolf detective
with a sick-ass magnifying glass,
I still couldn't dig up any dirt that would stick to Hunter.
There's always more dirt.
Think about all the horrible things I don't know about you!
Hm. I am pretty fucked in the nut.
Why, you'd leave me in a second if you knew
what was going on up in my big old nut.
Ehhh, I'd probably stick it out.
I don't want to spend my mid-to-late-50s alone.
Thanks, Kimmy Shit. Screw Dad, Eric,
and all of the other non-family friends I definitely have.
I'll blow the lid off Hunter Biden myself,
or my name isn't my dad's name, Jr.
I'm onto you.
You're trying to control me again!
Well, I'm getting off this chooch
and getting back on that rally stage!
Joe, sorry, but you're not getting off that train.
Every time we hand you a microphone,
you disobey us, you stray from the party line.
I know what's hip! Police violence?
Send 'em more money! Health care problems?
Give the police more money!
We're not letting you speak. And that's final.
When you don't listen, you lose your rally privileges.
How dare you! I'm Joe Biden, you can't stop m...
I'm sorry, Pokémon Joe.
But I just can't let you Pokémon Go.
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from
your Presidential guardians, Nancy and Chuck.
They asked me to keep you off the trail and on this train.
And don't they always need my help...
destigmatizing my husband,
making my husband more palatable...
Shouldn't us centrists stick together?
The right's gone so far they're tear-gassing citizens,
the left's gone so far
they're posting about it on the Internet.
Sorry, Joe, but I'm on Team Hillary,
and the DNC has promised a big fat donation
to the Clinton Foundation,
finally insuring a bright future
for all four people in the Clinton Dynasty.
So you're not going anywhere.
Even if I got to water the toilet flowers?
Not even to water the toilet flowers.
But, Miss Hillary, that violates the Geneva Convention.
Darned Geneva Convention.
Five minutes to pee. But that's it!
Hey, score one for my aged bladder!
There he is... Hunter freakin' Biden.
Going right into a bar.
I love a stakeout. Reminds me of the time
I spent a month in a pup tent behind the Gershwin theater,
hoping to catch this one munchkin with huge cans
from Wicked take a smoke break.
Stop talking. You're gonna blow our cover.
And you're spitting pistachios all over me.
Had pistachios for dinner last night.
Must be a few loose shells stuck in my craw!
That's the worst sentence I have ever heard.
Screw it, I'm going inside!
Shit!
This Dungy Brothers record is gonna blow my cover!
Don Jr.?
You here to break bread, or break noses?
I'm just here to have a freakin' beer.
The fact that we're both here at the same time
is just a weird Connecticut.
Or maybe it's fate, a concept I learned about
during my healing journey at Big Sur.
Big Sur? You know my dad?
In a way, we all know everyone.
Pull up a stool.
I imagine we have some things to talk about.
Stupid Miss Hillary!
Time to make my escape
through the Amtrak plumbing pipes.
Geronimo!
Biscuits!
Alright, pretend it's a Presidential campaign
and just take another two stabs at it!
I'm gonna level with you.
I didn't have to water the toilet flowers.
Face it, Joe, you're not getting out of here
while I'm babysitter.
I babysat Bill Clinton so diligently,
people hate me more than they hate him!
Is that how you want to spend your golden years, Hillary?
Babysitting for the DNC?
What else would I do?
Run for President? Should I?
I've been brainstorming a few logos on my arm.
Unless you want to be President of the train,
you're in the wrong spot!
Ever consider Chuck and Nancy put you on this train
to keep you hidden, just like me?
Why would they do that?
I'm the lifeblood of the Democratic party.
Ask John Podesta!
All I'm saying is, I don't know who created Pokémon Go...
I'm listening...
... but the DNC is treating you like a Pokémon Schmo.
My God, Joe.
Chuck and Nancy locked her up, and the "her" is me!
So by drinking 30 Sprite Zeros a day,
you took full control over your mind, body, and ass?
I still have dark moments.
Last year I picked a fight with a strip club bouncer
to get my face messed up enough
to score some painkillers at the ER.
But mostly, I've achieved peace.
Bartender! This Sprite Zero's all wet on the sides.
My hand is ruined!
You hate it when drinks are wet on the side, too?
- Yeah. - And you yell at struggling
- food industry workers about it? - Yeah.
It was a bet, it was a bet, it was a big stupid bet!
- What? - I mean, I was trying to dig up
dirt on you, but once I saw your dirt,
it was like I was looking into a dirt mirror!
Your. Dad. Wears. A. Flag. Pin. Like. Miiiiiine!
Let it out, Don.
Tears are the body's way of letting you cry.
This is it, Joe.
Time to stop just chillin' in Cedar Rapids,
and start jumpin' into those actual raging rapids below.
That's a long way down, Miss Hillary.
Maybe we should call Obama, double-check this
is the right thing to do.
You don't need Obama, Joe!
- Remember Will and Grace? - You mean Gay Cheers?
If you had listened to Obama, there'd be no gay marriage,
which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
- But you made it a reality. - Inspiring!
Say, what other good things have I done?
Well, there's that time you, uh...
Geronimo!
Hey, wait for me!
Joe Biden Joe!
And that's the full extent of my father's involvement
with Burisma Holdings.
Wow, I can't believe you told me all that,
considering our dads are competing to vacantly nod
at generals for four years.
You won't betray my trust.
We're cut from the same
North Face indoor camping blanket.
I suppose I should open up, too.
Back when I was a kid and TiVo first came out,
I used to pause the television
on this one Chex cereal commercial.
The mother in it was so beautiful and friendly,
I practiced my first kiss on that screen.
But my saliva mixed with the static of the television
and I got shocked and went into a coma for like a week!
Doctors said I'd never wake up, but then one day,
the Chex cereal commercial came on the hospital TV.
I shot right up and yelled "Mommy girlfriend!"
TiVo came out in 1999.
You would've been what, like 22?
Maybe we got it early.
Anyway, please don't tell anybody.
I will keep your secrets close to my heart,
like I used to with small baggies of cocaine
or perhaps crack.
Your hands are really soft!
Well, if the sun is north and the ground is south,
we should be able to hit the rally by noon!
I... feel... great!
Miss Hillary, you okay?
I think I might've gotten sniped...
Bosnians in the hills.
I'll carry you. My body is weak,
but my inability to assess my own limitations is strong!
Leave me, Joe.
This journey is your own.
Here, take this!
- Hot sauce. Tell your black supporters... - _
I had it on me when I gracefully exited this mortal campaign.
Racial pandering till your last breath.
I will tell your story, Hillary!
And I'll make sure to brush over Benghazi!
I guess that makes me the last man standing!
It's so true.
He tells it like it is for us millionaires
pretending to be normal people on camera.
Well, chim-cheerio, I did it!
I got the dirt none of you could get on Hunter Biden!
- Chim-cheerio. - Nooo! Dish!
Sorry, Dad, but the "dish" is cold and I will not serve it.
Because he's my friend.
You don't have "friends".
Yes, I do!
We even trade the same crude oil futures.
Just tell us what he did or leave!
Sorry that you two can't relate to having a real friend
who isn't secretly wearing a wire, but I do.
And I'll never rat out Hunter for political gain.
And here to rat out Don Jr. for political gain,
Hunter Biden!
Oh, God...
So thirsty...
Folks... Come on...
Water... Water...
The hot-sauce!
Hot!
I know... sand!
Nature's water!
Aw, maybe I do need Chuck and Nancy.
Hello. Rent-a-car.
Hey, folks, I need a Lincoln Town Car motorcade
at the corner of... cactus and rock.
Sorry, we don't do motorcades at this Hertz.
We have a PT Cruiser that smells like a nursing home.
- Whatever! - Credit card number?
Hey, Jill, tell them our card number.
Jill? Aw, crap.
What if I told you I'm the former
Vice President of the United States.
Yeah, call me when you're president.
Let me get this straight...
Don Jr. kissed his television so hard
that he electrocuted himself into a coma?
- That is correct. - Harrowing.
And now I'm getting word that
known television molester Don Jr.
is calling into the show.
You promised me!
Urinal! Wet on side of drink!
It sounds like the son of the President
is flooding his receiver with tears and spittle.
Only a man guilty of molesting his television
would cry out so hysterically.
I didn't molest the TiVo!
Don, drink 30 Sprite Zeros and calm down.
I can be calm.
Because I also have secrets.
That's right, Hunter told me the nasty truth
about his dealings with Burisma Holdings!
No. Stop. Don't.
In 2015, Joe and Hunter Biden returned to Isla Nublar,
where the previously destroyed Dino theme park
had been rebuilt for people's amusement!
This sounds a lot like the plot of Jurassic World.
Hunter, what do you have to say to these accusations
that you and your father visited the Dino-island of Isla Nublar?
Clearly a pathetic lie to try and undermine
my family's spotless political record.
But that's what you told me!
Why would you say this if not true!
Hunter, while I question the morality of your past...
the secret baby, your use of the term
"day drinking" to justify cracking a Michelob
spiked with LSD during Easter Mass...
I can see you have reformed.
Say, would you like to come to Under The Tuscan Sun movie night
with me, Halsey, and Adam Rippon?
I want to go under the sun!
You lost Joe Biden?
I let him go.
It's high time someone stood up to you two.
I knew we shouldn't have put you two on the scenic desert train.
That's just great.
The oldest candidate for President
in our nation's history wandering around the Mojave,
justifying cutting social security to the wind.
Face it, you need him as much as he needs you.
We just need him healthy enough
to put his hand on a bible and say "I do"
before we hand full power over to Kamala!
This the last time we ask you to babysit for us.
You can kiss that $400,000 tip
to your Clinton Foundation goodbye!
But that was earmarked for Ghislaine Maxwell's bail!
♪ The Irish ♪
Dungy Brothers?
Chuck... Nancy...
talking points...
help!
I finally had a friend in Hunter,
but then he betrayed me.
Wow, that sucks.
You want to go in the bathroom and cry by yourself?
That's very sweet of you, but I can't be alone right now.
- Hey, K-Kimberly? - Ugh.
Do you want to become friends?
What would that involve? Transactional sex?
We would share secrets. I'll start.
A few years ago in Midtown, after meeting Russian oligarchs
about derailing Hillary's campaign...
Wow, that is bad!
No, that's not the secret.
I saw a ad for a beautiful lady lawyer on the side of a bus.
I went to kiss her, but before I knew it,
I was getting dragged along 42nd Street by my tight whites.
And the matinees had just let out,
so the entire audience
of Dear Evan Hansen: The Musical saw my underwear.
Which were not all white!
Ohh. What a weight off my chest.
Been thinking about that one for a while.
- Now you go. - Okay, I'll go.
To Gavin Newsom's house for the weekend.
Who needs her, right, guys?
Kind of busy tonight. Raincheck.
Ugh! Fine, text me later!
I'm Jake Tapper.
A search party has recovered Joe Biden's unconscious body
from an undisclosed desert location,
after the Vice President
reportedly jumped off an Amtrak train
with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Joe Biden has been transferred to Walter Reed Hospital,
where his every need is being taken care of.
I just wanted to be my own man.
But now I got all these other men doing everything for me,
including this male nurse!
Mr. Nurse, can you turn up the TV?
Sure, you big baby, I'll turn up your baby show.
Just 'cause I'm eating soft foods
and drinking medicated formula from a sippy cup
doesn't mean I'm a baby.
Aw, goo-goo, God damn it, I am a baby!
Who needs friends anyhow.
Some lifelong alone time would be a nice change of pace!
Hey, I'm here.
Rudy, you don't count, and I know that you know that.
Yeah, I know.
So Hunter betrayed your trust and ruined your reputation.
Doesn't mean he can't be your friend.
That seems messed up even to me,
and I spent most of 2018 on Twitter
doxxing Parkland survivors.
It is messed up!
Your father's stabbed me in the back so many times
I've got more stitches than mole clusters.
But he's your best friend.
Best political friend.
I love your dad, and he tolerates me,
but at the end of the day, we'd both sell each other out
for a Lithuanian go-go dancer
and a plate of ice-cold cheese fries.
Political friendship built on lies, distrust, and betrayal?
I could try that!
Let me be clear, here comes the Amtrak train!
- Choo-choo! - Thanks, Barack.
How'd you find me, anyhow?
Drones aren't just for Yemeni weddings.
Aww, that's sweet.
Joe, the DNC is like a family,
and I'm the wise grandfather you only see on Christmas.
Except this campaign's been so messy,
I've been having to step in almost every day!
I'm sorry, Barack.
I know I should listen to Chuck and Nancy,
but I also want to listen to the Dungy Brothers
and sniff ladies' necks.
What you need, Joe, is compromise...
when everybody agrees to do something and nobody's happy.
It's the foundation of our two-party system.
Like how the South had to give up slavery,
but kept the right to fly parachute-sized
confederate flags and signal they miss slavery!
Not the most encouraging example,
but yes, that's the idea.
I suppose I can reach a compromise
with Mommy Chuck and Daddy Nancy.
And you can.
They're waiting out in the car, and they're worried sick.
You buckled up back there?
Yes, Miss Nancy.
You know, we were really worried about you.
I know.
Sometimes it might seem like we don't care,
but really we just want what's best
for our little future President.
I'm sorry, too.
Couple hours without you guys,
and I almost died in the desert
without even getting to meet Barbarella!
Hey, before we shut you in your basement
for the rest of the year, why don't we stop
and get you some ice cream at one of your rallies?
Ice cream? Rally? Will Miss Hillary be there?
As long as you hit your talking points!
Yay! Ice cream! Miss Hillary!
Dear Hunter, just because our dads
are politically opposed in every possible sense
except the military, police, and health care system
doesn't mean that we can't still be friends.
In Washington, friends and enemies
are pretty much the same-ass thing anyway.
If you're free tonight, turn on Hannity.
You might see a familiar face.
And yoga rehab? Is Hunter Biden serious?
That's not even manly.
Ever heard of eating burgers?
Get this... he drinks Sprite Zero!
Zero calories. Zero chance of getting laid.
Sorry, ex-husband Gavin Newsom. It's over.
Also, the night his divorce was finalized,
he went straight to a strip club as a final "fuck you!"
to his wife of 24 years.
Ha... Whoa, that's actually pretty sad.
And I'm getting word that Hunter Biden is calling in!
You're on the air, Burisma Boy.
I just want to say what Don Jr. is saying is not true,
but how he's saying it is pretty cool.
Go eat a burger, soy-man.
Go trim your beard, daddy's boy.
Triggered much?
Okay guys, this patty-cake energy
is not matching the combative language.
Cut to a home security ad!
So before we get this party started,
it's important to the Democratic party,
especially my guardian angels, Chuck and Nancy,
that I say this...
Give 'em hell, Joe!
Health care is good.
Most people should have it eventually.
The perfect speech!
And now, in an act of solidarity,
I'd like to invite my best friend
Miss Hillary to say a few words.
Thank you, Joe.
I'd like to take this hot Mic opportunity
to announce my candidacy for President
- in 202... - Uhh, hey, Joe.
How's about some "Dungy" Brothers?
You've earned it!
My eyes!
I love this song!
♪ Ooh-boo-boo-boo-boo, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
Look at him, dancing to slur-filled doo-wop music
that only exists in his mind.
If this doesn't inspire young voters, fuck 'em.
I agree, Nancy. Fuck 'em!
♪ And Seamus and... ♪
♪ The Irish ♪
♪ Seamus and Colin ♪
♪ And Patrick and Sam ♪
♪ The Irish ♪
♪ Big beet-red faces ♪
♪ Glowing in the night ♪
♪ The Irish ♪