1
00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:08,216
Extracted by\N{\c&H47B545&}|| Abdulwahab Alahmari ||{\c}\N{\c&HC48338&}@wahab_94{\c}
2
00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,428
[announcer]
You seen him on Pimpin' Pimpin'.
3
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:13,763
You seen him in American Hustle.
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,433
You seen him in Friday After Next.
5
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:20,311
He is single-handedly shutting
the Internet down.
6
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,565
Give it up for the king
of underground comedy,
7
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:28,987
Mr. Katt Williams!
8
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,196
[audience cheering]
9
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,991
["Bad and Boujee" playing on speakers]
10
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,160
-♪ Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox ♪
-♪ Cookie ♪
11
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:38,830
♪ Fuckin' on your bitch she a thot, thot
Cookin' up dope in the Crock-Pot ♪
12
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:42,667
♪ We came from nothin' to somethin', nigga
I don't trust nobody, grip the trigger ♪
13
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:46,129
♪ Call up the gang, they come and get you
Cry me a river, give you a tissue ♪
14
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:48,840
♪ My bitch is bad and boujee
Cookin' up dope with a Uzi ♪
15
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:53,386
♪ My niggas is savage, ruthless
We got 30's and 100 rounds, too ♪
16
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,015
♪ My bitch is bad and boujee
Cookin' up dope with a Uzi ♪
17
00:00:57,098 --> 00:01:00,560
♪ My niggas is savage, ruthless
We got 30's and 100 rounds, too ♪
18
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:05,065
♪ Offset, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
19
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:07,817
♪ Rackings on rackings
Got back ends on back ends-- ♪
20
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,445
[music stops, then audience cheers]
21
00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:12,280
Oh, man.
22
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:21,372
I gotta honestly say,
I have done seven, eight specials.
23
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:25,460
Nothing is messing
with Jacksonville at all.
24
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:29,005
Let me say that. Off top.
25
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,632
Lit.
26
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,303
We did not--
27
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,099
They don't know. We better let them know.
28
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:44,354
This the most famous county in the world.
29
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:47,190
[audience cheering]
30
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,276
People know the county
and don't even know the city.
31
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,783
You hear it from out of nowhere.
I'm gonna let somebody from here say it.
32
00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:58,284
[audience shouting]
33
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,123
It speaks for itself.
34
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:06,042
Good old Jacksonville.
35
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,753
Y'all did not disappoint,
thank y'all so much.
36
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:12,173
Two sold-out shows in J-Town right here.
37
00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:15,260
So beautiful.
38
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,638
Your weather sold out.
Y'all don't know it.
39
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:22,142
If you don't travel, you don't know,
this Jacksonville sun...
40
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,227
[audience laughing]
41
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:29,315
This is its own sun.
It don't follow no sun rules.
42
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,280
You come to Jacksonville,
you used to heat.
43
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,782
You look at the heat,
you're not even scared.
44
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:41,619
You like, "What, 89?
Ain't nobody give a fuck about no 89."
45
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:46,916
You mean Jacksonville 89.
That's slave heat.
46
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,169
You be like, "I wouldn't have been able
to run away today.
47
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:53,047
They'd have had to beat
the shit out of me today."
48
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:56,467
Love Jacksonville.
49
00:02:57,302 --> 00:03:02,974
Y'all got everything. Even your shit
that ain't the top is still the top.
50
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:07,228
The Jacksonville Jaguars
is doing they shit.
51
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,314
[audience cheering]
52
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:10,398
That's right.
53
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,692
Fuck all them stats.
54
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,695
[audience laughing]
55
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:22,660
Fuck all them stats and accolades.
56
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,956
Jacksonville Jaguars know
two things for a fact:
57
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,335
They know they weather is better
than yours...
58
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,380
and they know
they uniforms look better than yours.
59
00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:37,926
Them niggas be modeling on the sidelines.
60
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,811
Love it here. You come to Jacksonville,
you ain't ready for it.
61
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,898
I don't care where you from,
you not ready for this.
62
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:56,152
If you love water,
you could overdose in this motherfucker.
63
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,447
Jacksonville got water, water, water,
and water.
64
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:04,577
They got a creek, lakes, rivers.
The river go the wrong way, it--
65
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,085
If you not from here, you not--
66
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:15,296
You gotta be specific
when you talk to your Uber driver.
67
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,967
You can't say nothing like,
"I'm by the bridge."
68
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:21,552
[audience laughing]
69
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,847
There's 1,700 bridges in this bitch.
70
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,392
"You mean the black bridge,
the yellow bridge,
71
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:31,229
the blue bridge that's part Transformer
that go up and down?"
72
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:34,190
They don't tell you that
till you're high on the balcony.
73
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,192
"I think I saw the bridge move."
74
00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:42,949
Beautiful shit.
The military's in the house.
75
00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:46,995
Where the military at?
Make some noise for the military. Yeah.
76
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,709
In the right parts of Jacksonville,
you could feel safe.
77
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,629
But they need to tell people
that ain't from here
78
00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:02,051
that there might be military helicopters
flying past your balcony,
79
00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:05,555
or it will fuck up
your whole blunt experience.
80
00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:10,977
I'm not speaking from knowledge.
I'm just saying if you was...
81
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:15,148
standing out there with a blunt
and see two military helicopters,
82
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:18,860
that's the first time you swallow
your whole blunt, lit and all. You:
83
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,486
[grunting]
84
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,824
Nigga, that was the real military.
Where the fuck is we at?
85
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:31,706
In Jacksonville, you'll see shit
you don't see nowhere else.
86
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:36,502
Generally, you'd just go somewhere
and look on the map and pick places out.
87
00:05:37,086 --> 00:05:38,296
Not-- Mm-mm.
88
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:43,176
You need a tour guide in Jacksonville
from Jacksonville
89
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:46,929
to tell you where you can and cannot go.
90
00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:51,476
You don't just wanna be driving around,
looking around.
91
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,730
You'll see some shit that'll scare you
as a nigga.
92
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:57,774
"Confederate Park? What?
93
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,192
[audience laughing]
94
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,988
What the fuck am I doing
by Confederate Park?"
95
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,409
Most cities got one 'hood.
96
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,286
[audience laughing]
97
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,709
See how the audience laughed at that?
98
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:21,214
Most motherfucking cities got one 'hood.
99
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:26,969
The whole map is free.
They tell you don't go here.
100
00:06:29,972 --> 00:06:31,432
Not in Jacksonville.
101
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:36,354
They got spots all around the map
you should look out for.
102
00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,068
All the 'hoods sound like...
103
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,404
dangerous sitcoms.
104
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:52,411
"Tonight, on another episode
of Washington Heights."
105
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:58,584
Something going down
on Washington Heights, I'm sure of that.
106
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,754
If I know any of the 'hoods in America,
I know.
107
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,051
"Stay tuned for another edition
of Cleveland Arms."
108
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,636
[audience laughing]
109
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,723
It's got "arms" in the title.
I know that's dangerous.
110
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,271
Eureka Gardens.
111
00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:19,522
[audience laughing]
112
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:26,195
Eureka means "Surprise!
Maybe you shouldn't be here."
113
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,698
If you looking for gardens...
114
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,286
Jacksonville do it big.
115
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,080
It ain't just 'hoods,
they got certain streets.
116
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,791
If you even type it in your phone...
117
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,254
your phone will not let you make it there.
118
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,467
If you type in "Moncrief"...
119
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,385
[audience cheering]
120
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,560
your phone say, "Relocating."
121
00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,103
[audience laughing]
122
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,897
What? [chuckles]
123
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,527
Just beautiful shit.
124
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:10,990
Shit you only gonna have in Jacksonville.
125
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,743
Jacksonville is
the biggest city out there.
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00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:18,498
Every ten blocks is
another motherfucking neighborhood.
127
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,795
If you comfortable, don't be comfortable
too long. Enjoy yourself.
128
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:28,090
Most places,
when you go to the gas station,
129
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:31,427
the only thing you gotta look at
is the price of the gas.
130
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,513
Not in Jacksonville.
131
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:37,850
You gotta look at some other shit
than the price of gas.
132
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:41,729
You have to look at all the surroundings
of the gas station.
133
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:46,609
You ever decided you didn't need gas
as bad as you thought you did?
134
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,027
[audience laughing]
135
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:51,239
You ever gotten back in your car
to not get the gas?
136
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:54,659
"Oh, I don't need this gas. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
137
00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:01,165
I can make it almost home
if I keep on going.
138
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,543
I'll get a little closer to somewhere--"
139
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,963
There's 32 motherfuckers out there.
140
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:10,174
They selling pit-bull puppies
and frying fish.
141
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,594
Mm-mm. I'm not gonna do all that
for some gas, I'm not.
142
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,556
Love Jacksonville.
143
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,934
Jacksonville, they got shit at all ends.
144
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,562
If you wanna shop,
they got great shopping.
145
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:26,566
They got great shopping,
and then they got 'hood shopping.
146
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,067
[audience laughing]
147
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:30,528
If you looking for the great shopping,
148
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:34,031
you listen
for the white-sounding official name.
149
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,201
"Town center."
150
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,953
[audience cheering]
151
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:43,124
That sounds official. "Town center."
152
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:48,504
We built this mall,
then we built the rest of the town.
153
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,217
The black mall sound like a club.
154
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,095
"Going down to The Regency."
155
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:01,309
They got two-for-one drinks
at The Regency. Who don't wanna go there?
156
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,853
Free before 11.
157
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,610
One thing I like about Jacksonville is,
no matter where you eat,
158
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,404
all the food is good than a motherfucker.
159
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:17,158
Y'all know how to eat in Jacksonville,
everything.
160
00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:19,910
We had 12 things, everything was good.
161
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:24,165
Go to Jacksonville Beach, they got
white people making Caribbean food.
162
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,920
"Y'all ain't got no Jamaicans back there?
Who the fuck is jerking this chicken?"
163
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,507
Let me find out a white woman
is jerking this chicken like that.
164
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:40,473
Most places you go, if you hear
a crazy name, you can't eat there.
165
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:45,269
But here in motherfucking Jacksonville,
if they tell you it's good, it's good.
166
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,480
That motherfucking Soul Food Bistro.
167
00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,023
[audience cheering]
168
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:55,154
I don't even know if them niggas know
what "bistro" means, but it's good.
169
00:10:56,322 --> 00:11:00,534
Food so good, you be looking for a slave
in the back like, "Who is making--?
170
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,079
Show me somebody
look like a slave back there.
171
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,790
Who is putting they foot
in this corn bread?"
172
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,170
The real reason we love coming here
is because when we come here
173
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:14,507
we get a real taste
of what the fuck America is.
174
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:18,552
We get everybody in the same building
at the same time
175
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:24,433
at the same place in Jacksonville
at the beautiful Florida Theatre.
176
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:29,063
Y'all won't believe who we got here.
Where's all the Hispanic people?
177
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,982
Make some noise.
Hispanic people, is y'all in here?
178
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,360
-[speaks in Spanish]
-[audience cheering]
179
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,028
Thank y'all for hanging out.
180
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:40,116
Where's the Filipinos in the building?
Make some noise. Filipinos?
181
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,576
Thank all 80 y'all for spreading around.
182
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,537
Y'all didn't even sit together.
183
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,081
That was good as Filipinos,
y'all spread out.
184
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,460
Where's all the white people?
Make some noise, white people.
185
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,587
[audience cheering]
186
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,965
Look at white people sounding strong.
187
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,967
[woman screams]
188
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,303
Y'all still hanging with minorities
in this administration.
189
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,347
We appreciate that, white people.
190
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:07,184
We know some of y'all had to sneak here
on the Mayport Ferry.
191
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:13,607
Black people, is y'all in the building?
Make some noise.
192
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,200
We can all feel safe tonight.
193
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,827
[audience laughing]
194
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:28,998
It's beautiful. Beautiful.
We got young people in the house.
195
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,626
Where's everybody 25 and under?
Young people, where y'all at?
196
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,797
Thank y'all so much for coming,
we appreciate that, young people.
197
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,593
Where's all the rest of us?
Where's 25 and older? Make some noise.
198
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:47,224
Okay, y'all grown in the motherfucker.
I get it, y'all grown.
199
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,686
If we could tell young people anything,
we'd tell you:
200
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:55,733
enjoy your motherfucking youth
while you got it.
201
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:59,278
Whatever the fuck you're trying to do
in your dreams and shit,
202
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:02,448
do it right the fuck now...
203
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:06,118
while your body is still with you.
204
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:11,999
'Cause the rest of us will tell you
this getting-old shit is for the birds.
205
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:18,005
That shit do not let off.
Once it's on your ass, that's it.
206
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:21,133
Your ass fitting to get old right now.
207
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:26,764
It's fucked up. Fucked up.
We didn't know it was gonna be like this.
208
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:31,393
I used to laugh at my grandfather making
all that noise getting out the bed. He:
209
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,771
[grunting]
210
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,526
I'm there judging this shit.
"Look at this lazy-ass nigga.
211
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:42,905
He know there ain't nothing wrong with him
at 6:30 in the goddamn morning."
212
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:48,953
Now we're getting older, we see.
This shit is for the birds.
213
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:53,332
Your mind is still young,
but your body has checked the fuck out.
214
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,712
Ever told yourself to get out of bed
and yourself didn't listen?
215
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,508
You was like,
"It's time to get out of bed now.
216
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:05,427
[audience laughing]
217
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,681
I'm gonna get out of bed now.
218
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:14,520
I'm gonna lay here ten more minutes
and get my shit together."
219
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,567
Your body has given the fuck up.
220
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,071
You start getting older,
you gotta change shit.
221
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:27,074
I used to be able to watch TV
all night long.
222
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:31,120
Not no more.
Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep.
223
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:37,167
'Cause these motherfucking commercials
is too scary and too not specific.
224
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,921
You scared and don't even know
what the fuck you scared of.
225
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:44,425
I'm not the only person here
who think he might maybe
226
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:47,595
could possibly have mesothelioma.
227
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,179
[audience laughing]
228
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:56,270
Don't none of us know what the fuck it is.
They just keep scaring us with it.
229
00:14:56,353 --> 00:15:00,274
"You might have it. You might have it.
It's worth some money."
230
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:04,653
Every time I cough,
I think I done caught it. [coughing]
231
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:08,282
Now, I've fucked around
and caught mesothelioma.
232
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,036
I drank that miso soup that one time.
233
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,914
I think that's where it come from,
I'm not sure.
234
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,083
It's fucked up.
235
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:22,421
You start getting old, and shit change.
You gotta deal with it.
236
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:27,843
When you young, the only way you can
hurt yourself is if you in an accident.
237
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,848
You start getting older,
you can fuck yourself up
238
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,018
not doing a goddamn thing.
239
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,440
You young, you had to hurt yourself
to be in an accident.
240
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:48,656
You get older, you see your friend,
he got a cast on all his ribs and shit.
241
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:51,408
"Goddamn, nigga,
did you get in a car accident?"
242
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:56,830
"No, I fucked around and...
yawned too fast and caught--
243
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,916
[audience laughing]
244
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,712
I caught my body off guard.
245
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,007
I wasn't stretching or nothing like that,
like I should.
246
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:09,134
I just, out of nowhere, yawned. [buzzing]
247
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,512
Ripped all of that up right there."
248
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:19,436
It's fucked up. It's what starts happening
when you start getting older.
249
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:24,692
You start getting older,
shit that wasn't a problem is a problem.
250
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:28,487
When you was younger,
if you was 5 pounds overweight,
251
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,532
all you needed to do
was take one good shit.
252
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,283
[audience laughing]
253
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,494
You was back at your original weight.
254
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:40,249
"I knew I ate a little bit too much
two days ago. I knew that."
255
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:46,296
You start getting older,
if you let 10 pounds get on you,
256
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:51,635
that bitch is there to stay.
You like, "When the fuck is this leaving?"
257
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,555
It ain't never leaving,
you have to keep on working.
258
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,808
I saw some shit that fucked me up, though.
259
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:02,187
Sometimes, you got so many channels,
you be going through
260
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,940
and you just stop on something
to see what it is,
261
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,775
and it's running on a marathon,
262
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,446
and before you know it,
you done watched 88 episodes.
263
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:16,535
This show fucked me up.
They got a show called My 600-lb--
264
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,996
[audience shouting indistinctly]
265
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,294
When you was younger,
if you saw something fucked up,
266
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:29,631
you just had nightmares. This is worse.
I ain't never seen no shit like this.
267
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,759
Not 600 pounds.
268
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:36,472
Legs everywhere,
bumps on them and shit. Ah!
269
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,852
Motherfucker do nothing but talk, shit,
and eat. "Where's my breakfast?"
270
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:46,273
He is pimping this bitch.
She's frying eggs and-- "I'm coming."
271
00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:51,028
She like the drug dealer. They go,
"I don't know how he get this big."
272
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,948
Yes, you do, bitch! This motherfucker
can't even get out of the bed.
273
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:59,244
Your ass making him 12 square meals a day.
What the fuck?
274
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,792
Watching that shit,
I can't even eat in bed no more.
275
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,086
It's fucked up.
276
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,005
You start getting older, shit changes.
277
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:14,343
When you younger,
you don't go to the hospital for nothing.
278
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:17,805
Whatever it is, it's gonna heal itself.
279
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:22,351
When you start getting older,
you know Jesus is at the hospital.
280
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:25,604
You need to check in with Jesus.
281
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:28,941
Catch him on the mainline IV.
282
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:31,902
I think it's got something in it,
you gonna love it.
283
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,071
It's fucked up.
284
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:37,366
My last young day was last Christmas.
285
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,036
Played basketball in somebody's backyard,
286
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,081
got fouled, ran into a wall,
damn near killed myself.
287
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:49,294
And I thought I had saved myself
'cause I saved my face... with my arm.
288
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:53,465
I saved my face with my arm.
But when my arm hit the ground,
289
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,676
it sounded like Transformers. It said:
290
00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:57,678
[mimicking mechanical sounds]
291
00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:02,015
And my brain said,
"Get the fuck up off the ground, nigga."
292
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,435
My arm said,
"If you get us up off the ground,
293
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,897
you gonna have to put us in your pocket,
'cause we are done."
294
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:12,651
I got right up off the ground
and went right to the hospital.
295
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,155
White people,
I know that don't sound amazing.
296
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:19,324
You get hurt,
you supposed to go to the hospital.
297
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:23,620
As a nigga, if you get up off the ground
and go directly to the hospital,
298
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,874
that means you thought
you was fitting to die that day.
299
00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:31,587
I'm in the hospital, looking
at the doctor, holding my arm like a baby.
300
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:35,632
I said, "I don't know what you fitting
to do... but every time I blink,
301
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:39,469
it feels like somebody's tearing my arm
out the socket."
302
00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:43,265
He said, "Don't worry,
I'll put you on some medication."
303
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,184
I said, "With all due respect,
304
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,811
I've been smoking
the best weed in the country,
305
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:50,480
and medication is not gonna get it."
306
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,693
He said,
"You do your job, let me do my job."
307
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:57,070
He wrote me out two prescriptions.
308
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:00,449
One for tramadol, and one for Percocet.
309
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:04,328
Now, I don't know
if y'all done had them separately,
310
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:06,872
but if you take them bitches together,
311
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,209
it'll make you a superhero in this bitch.
312
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:13,754
You walking around,
looking for small crimes.
313
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:18,550
Saying shit no nigga has ever said before.
"Shoot me right in the chest.
314
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,595
I ain't even gonna feel it.
I can't feel shit."
315
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:24,806
You have to be careful.
316
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:29,436
Your doctor's give you all that
strong-ass motherfucking medication,
317
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:32,773
they don't tell you
what the fuck it's gonna do...
318
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,234
when they all get together.
319
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,612
You gonna believe that ass Tiger Woods.
320
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:43,909
Tiger was in the police department,
looking like a baby giraffe and shit.
321
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,994
[audience laughing]
322
00:20:50,165 --> 00:20:53,293
One, two, three, four, five, six.
323
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,421
Strong-ass medication.
324
00:20:57,589 --> 00:21:01,176
Gotta be careful out there,
it's a new world. Myself?
325
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:06,640
I ain't getting in no more
motherfucking trouble for shit.
326
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,185
I know what administration this is.
327
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,522
I ain't doing shit.
328
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:17,609
I done join the Boy Scouts,
the Jehovah Witness, the Amish.
329
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:21,780
It's fucked up.
330
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,701
I saw that Philando Castile
motherfucking video.
331
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,870
That changed my motherfucking life.
Fuck out of here.
332
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:31,540
That is not supposed
to motherfucking happen.
333
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:35,836
That nigga wasn't even driving.
Had his seat belt on and everything.
334
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:40,340
You shot him with his baby right there.
Get the fuck out of here.
335
00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,301
I got some new shit, though.
336
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:45,220
I'm fitting to buy me a self-driving car.
337
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,638
[audience laughing]
338
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:48,807
I'm gonna be in the back seat.
339
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:52,686
You pull me over, "I don't know
what to tell you. Talk to the driver.
340
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:54,771
[audience cheering]
341
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,861
Mm-mm.
Talk to the driver, officer, I'm sorry.
342
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,739
I'm here in the back seat,
reading the Bible.
343
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:07,451
I'm naked with a little pit-bull puppy.
He's in his seat belt."
344
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:13,749
Just saying.
345
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,044
'Cause it's a new world out there.
346
00:22:17,711 --> 00:22:20,422
This new election changed everything.
347
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:23,133
Everything has changed.
348
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,386
And don't worry, white people,
we not gonna talk politics.
349
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,222
We not gonna say who voted for who.
350
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:31,183
[audience laughing]
351
00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:36,063
We're not gonna get into that. We learned
white people know how to keep a secret.
352
00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,441
Y'all didn't tell us shit this election.
353
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:42,819
Not nothing. We didn't know
white people was up to something
354
00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:45,989
until they started showing
white people in line voting.
355
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:50,077
And all the white people looked like
they had a secret to keep this year.
356
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,162
[audience laughing]
357
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,840
I think white people is up to something.
358
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,178
I can't wait to see what 2018 gonna be.
359
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,972
2017 is already a doozy.
360
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:16,061
We-- We used to seeing people be wrong.
We ain't never seen nobody be this wrong.
361
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:19,272
CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong.
362
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:22,234
CNN was talking big shit
before the election.
363
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:26,613
They had the map up,
had all the states highlighted and shit.
364
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:31,034
They was talking big shit.
"There's no way that Trump can win this
365
00:23:31,409 --> 00:23:36,748
unless he wins here, here, here,
and here."
366
00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:42,921
The moment they came back from commercial,
they was sweating and crying and shit.
367
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:45,006
[audience laughing]
368
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:52,889
They was bringing all the neighborhoods up
separately. "Where's the nigga's vote at?"
369
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:02,482
White people done took over now.
370
00:24:03,441 --> 00:24:06,862
Shit that used to be black
ain't black no more.
371
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:10,949
First thing white people took over
was rioting.
372
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:13,285
Yes.
373
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:16,663
Riots used to be some black shit.
374
00:24:17,205 --> 00:24:20,750
We'd get so mad, we riot!
375
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:23,587
White people done took it over.
376
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,257
Let me just say
in front of all these minorities,
377
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,051
y'all are terrible at it, white people.
378
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:33,180
We taught y'all better than this.
379
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:38,768
Y'all had a million white people out
there, y'all didn't do no damage at all.
380
00:24:39,352 --> 00:24:41,646
Y'all out there obeying the crosswalks,
381
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:45,066
and passing out orange slices.
382
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,903
Walking in single-file lines, and--
383
00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:54,117
White people,
we taught y'all better than this.
384
00:24:55,493 --> 00:24:58,830
If it's a riot, you gotta be willing
to fuck some shit up.
385
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:03,877
Y'all can't fuck the shit up
'cause y'all own the shit,
386
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:08,006
so y'all out there fucking it up
and cleaning it up at the same time.
387
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,265
Not a riot, white people.
388
00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,686
White people just out there
shaking they signs hard and shit.
389
00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:24,689
[audience laughing]
390
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,280
"What you doing, using the Shake Weight?"
"I'm rioting, goddamn it, I'm rioting."
391
00:25:34,741 --> 00:25:37,285
It's just a new change, it's a new era.
392
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:41,498
They say you don't miss what you got
till it's gone.
393
00:25:42,123 --> 00:25:44,584
And Barack Obama is gone, children.
394
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:47,504
Oh, I miss that nigga.
395
00:25:47,587 --> 00:25:48,588
[Katt groans]
396
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:51,424
That nigga ain't never coming back.
397
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:54,928
Every time you see this nigga,
he doing more white activities.
398
00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,722
He out there parasailing and shit,
399
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:00,850
swimming with the sharks
and Michael Phelps,
400
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:03,478
riding horses bareback.
401
00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:08,608
Barack Obama, get back here.
402
00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:11,319
Nigga, we need you.
403
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:14,572
You ain't never heard of overtime, nigga?
404
00:26:15,991 --> 00:26:16,908
Shit.
405
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:21,830
Just give us four, five months
to get on our feet right now. It's crazy.
406
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:27,294
They don't wanna give Barack Obama
no credit for nothing.
407
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:30,505
Everything he did,
they're trying to tear it apart.
408
00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:34,175
If Barack Obama said,
"Spit on the street,"
409
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,469
they'll say the opposite.
410
00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:38,930
Won't give that nigga
no credit for nothing.
411
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:43,476
He did a great job while he was the
commander in chief of these United States.
412
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,313
He know what he did.
413
00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:51,776
We gonna miss him.
414
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:53,486
We gonna miss him.
415
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:56,156
And who was with him
every step of the way?
416
00:26:56,573 --> 00:26:57,991
Michelle Obama.
417
00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:02,829
Showing the world what a real
black stallion look like in real life.
418
00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:05,749
-[neighing]
-[audience cheering]
419
00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:09,961
Showing that ass money can't buy.
420
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:14,758
That's collard greens and corn bread
and a PhD.
421
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:21,514
Whole family did a good job.
Sasha and Malia did a good job.
422
00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:24,392
They wasn't ever pregnant,
or kicked out of school,
423
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:25,727
or none of that shit.
424
00:27:26,394 --> 00:27:29,105
Even their little nappy-headed dog
did a good job.
425
00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:33,360
He wasn't ever shitting in the front yard
of the White House, getting caught on TMZ.
426
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:39,240
We gotta understand that time is over.
427
00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:44,412
Black people, we already had our time.
We already had the first black president.
428
00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:48,249
Now it's time for the first
Flamin' Hot Cheeto president.
429
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,920
So, little orange boys and girls know
that they, too, can make it.
430
00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:57,634
If your hair's fucked up,
this is your president.
431
00:27:57,717 --> 00:28:00,720
I can do what I want with this hair.
I can do anything.
432
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:03,264
That's why I look like
a civil-rights leader,
433
00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:06,559
'cause that's what I need
to be looking like to the police.
434
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:13,817
Fucked up. But it's new shit now.
435
00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:17,946
Trump is in there, and Trump didn't wait.
We didn't have to worry
436
00:28:18,029 --> 00:28:22,409
what the fuck Trump was fitting to do.
Trump got on that shit immediately.
437
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:26,079
Day one, Trump was on his shit.
438
00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:30,667
He announced his motherfucking cabinet.
It was Hitler, Satan, Darth Vader.
439
00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:32,293
Goddamn, Trump.
440
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:34,921
What the fuck is you fitting to do?
441
00:28:35,004 --> 00:28:37,132
[audience laughing]
442
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:39,175
He showed up with Stormtroopers and shit.
443
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,928
[humming]
444
00:28:44,806 --> 00:28:46,266
Trump don't give a fuck.
445
00:28:47,767 --> 00:28:50,061
Trump don't follow nobody's rules.
446
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:54,816
The president supposed to be
at the White House.
447
00:28:55,817 --> 00:28:59,362
Our president is wherever the fuck
he wanna be.
448
00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:03,491
He in New York, he in the South,
449
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:05,368
playing golf.
450
00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:08,163
Our president don't give a fuck.
451
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:12,709
They used to say, "Will your president
be awake at 3:00 in the morning
452
00:29:12,792 --> 00:29:16,755
to answer the phone if it rings?"
Shit, yeah, our president is up.
453
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:21,384
Our president is a vampire.
That motherfucker sent 23 tweets at 12:30,
454
00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:24,888
what the fuck is you talking about?
That motherfucker is on it.
455
00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,390
[audience laughing]
456
00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:31,019
We done already seen
what America could be like...
457
00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:35,774
if they had a nice, sensible president.
458
00:29:36,649 --> 00:29:40,111
Now, we're fitting to see
what America is like
459
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,490
with a motherfucking bully in that bitch.
460
00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:46,701
Trump don't give a fuck.
461
00:29:47,660 --> 00:29:50,205
The president's supposed
to think of something,
462
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:54,083
then talk with the Senate and Congress,
pass a bill, and then do it.
463
00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:56,294
Trump don't give a fuck.
464
00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,838
Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria
465
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:03,218
while he was in his bathroom
with an Xbox One controller.
466
00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:05,303
[audience laughing]
467
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:16,272
"See what they say
when they see that shit."
468
00:30:19,692 --> 00:30:21,110
Trump don't give a fuck.
469
00:30:22,111 --> 00:30:24,948
That motherfucker is on it,
whatever the fuck it is.
470
00:30:25,323 --> 00:30:28,993
Barack Obama was in office eight years,
he did eight things.
471
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,122
Eight years in office,
he did eight things.
472
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:37,043
Trump's been in office 100 days.
He's done 100 fucked-up things.
473
00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:40,547
He wakes up and signs
another fucked-up piece of paper.
474
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:43,800
"Wait till they see this
when they wake the fuck up."
475
00:30:46,177 --> 00:30:47,762
Trump do not sleep.
476
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:50,181
He don't play by no rules.
477
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:53,560
He don't care what the rules is,
he do not play them.
478
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:58,940
He did a speech for Black History Month.
He don't even know which niggas is which.
479
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,733
[audience laughing]
480
00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:04,028
He thought Ben Carson
was Frederick Douglass.
481
00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:07,740
You don't believe me.
He looked at Ben Carson and said:
482
00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:10,743
"Frederick Douglass has
been doing a great job.
483
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:14,163
He's been getting more
and more recognition every day."
484
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,960
He looked at Omarosa and said,
"And Harriet Tubman has been doing
485
00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:21,421
a great job out in the community as well."
486
00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:28,011
It's fucked up.
487
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:30,555
It's getting dangerous out there.
488
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:33,266
As black people, minorities,
489
00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:38,771
we're used to just being able to watch
the news a little bit and then walk off.
490
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:40,523
Not with Trump.
491
00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:44,402
Niggas is watching the news
like it's the playoffs.
492
00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:46,070
[audience laughing]
493
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,910
"They say anything about niggas yet?
494
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,204
We got one more day then. One more day."
495
00:31:56,748 --> 00:32:00,209
Hispanic people, since y'all in here,
I'm gonna let y'all know.
496
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:02,962
Black people is y'alls friends.
497
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:07,717
If they come after y'all,
they got to come after us.
498
00:32:08,217 --> 00:32:11,220
And I can say that because we know...
499
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,349
if they start coming after y'all...
500
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,434
[audience laughing]
501
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:23,858
we next anyway.
502
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,362
Don't worry, Hispanic people.
503
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:31,574
We will open up that Underground Railroad
so quick. We got the blueprints.
504
00:32:36,245 --> 00:32:39,040
Black people,
we got enough problems in America.
505
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:41,167
We don't need no more problems.
506
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:43,503
Once they start coming for Hispanics,
507
00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:46,798
there'll be a bunch of light-skin niggas
stuck at the border.
508
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:51,177
Niggas gonna say,
"I'm not supposed to be here!
509
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:53,680
I don't even speak Spanish."
510
00:32:57,934 --> 00:33:01,646
Trump in office, we don't know
what the fuck may happen next.
511
00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:04,148
We thought he was gonna be
at war right away.
512
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:07,402
We was like, "We can't figure out
who gonna catch it first.
513
00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:08,987
Is it gonna be Russia?
514
00:33:09,070 --> 00:33:12,907
Is it gonna be China? Syria? Iran? Iraq?
515
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,703
North Korea?
Who the fuck is fitting to get it?"
516
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:22,834
We find out, public enemy number one
is Kathy Griffin.
517
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:28,840
Kathy Griffin?
518
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:36,556
Ain't that a bitch?
519
00:33:38,057 --> 00:33:39,434
Get the fuck out of here.
520
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:43,229
I thought for sure Trump was
gonna have a sense of humor.
521
00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:47,650
What the fuck? You the president now,
you can't take a joke, motherfucker?
522
00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:52,363
You announced your presidency
on Comedy Central, motherfucker,
523
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:54,073
after a roast.
524
00:33:56,826 --> 00:33:58,077
It's fucked up.
525
00:33:58,494 --> 00:34:02,498
I tried to tell people on the last tour.
It was called Conspiracy Theory.
526
00:34:02,582 --> 00:34:05,793
I tried to tell people
what the fuck was fitting to happen.
527
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,963
And it done fucked around and happened.
528
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:12,884
We said Trump had a chance
because he was exciting,
529
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:15,011
and America loves excitement.
530
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:18,765
And Trump's been saying exciting shit
the whole time.
531
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:21,684
He say shit you ain't never heard
nobody say ever.
532
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:25,229
Trump said, "We are gonna build a wall,
533
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:31,235
and... we gonna make Mexico pay for it."
534
00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,448
Black people all over the world went,
"Mexico?
535
00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:37,533
[audience laughing]
536
00:34:39,035 --> 00:34:41,370
What type of Mexicans does he know?
537
00:34:43,289 --> 00:34:45,833
He must not know no eses, or no vatos.
538
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:49,253
You ain't gonna make them niggas do shit."
539
00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:53,091
But why the fuck is we talking
about building a wall?
540
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:55,343
The Mexican people have shown us
541
00:34:55,760 --> 00:35:00,014
they are professional at building a tunnel
on your motherfucking ass.
542
00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:03,559
They broke El Chapo out
while they was looking at him.
543
00:35:03,643 --> 00:35:06,062
We went through that.
That's how he got here.
544
00:35:08,147 --> 00:35:11,526
They showed that tunnel.
That tunnel was as big as this stage.
545
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:15,238
Had hardwood floors,
linoleum, Berber carpeting,
546
00:35:15,321 --> 00:35:17,990
central air conditioning,
vending machines.
547
00:35:18,074 --> 00:35:21,244
They picked him up in a golf cart
and took him to a burro.
548
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,538
[audience laughing]
549
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:27,583
I don't know why Trump was talking
about immigration in the first place.
550
00:35:28,084 --> 00:35:30,503
His motherfucking bitch ain't from here.
551
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:35,216
She's from somewhere else.
She's from Cashnadastan.
552
00:35:36,342 --> 00:35:40,221
White people don't look like that.
Y'all need to check on that woman.
553
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:44,100
Every time you look at her,
she looks like a hostage in an interview.
554
00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:46,185
[audience laughing]
555
00:35:52,859 --> 00:35:55,820
"Someone please help me.
I am not supposed to be here.
556
00:35:55,903 --> 00:35:58,322
This is not what I signed up for."
557
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:04,203
Right then, I said,
"Okay, Trump ain't gonna say no more shit
558
00:36:04,662 --> 00:36:06,164
that throws me off guard."
559
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:09,834
Then Trump said the shit
that shocked the world.
560
00:36:10,376 --> 00:36:13,546
You was watching the news.
Had your breakfast blunt,
561
00:36:13,629 --> 00:36:15,798
it scared you and your breakfast blunt.
562
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:19,260
"Trump said, 'Grab them by the pussy.'"
563
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:21,345
[audience laughing]
564
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:30,771
Even gangster niggas were shocked. "What?
565
00:36:31,522 --> 00:36:33,441
Where the fuck they do that at?
566
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:37,445
Here we been shaking bitches' hands
and hugging and shit."
567
00:36:38,779 --> 00:36:40,198
Trump don't give a fuck.
568
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:44,577
You can tell he really be grabbing bitches
by the pussy, too.
569
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:50,166
If you watch the news, Melania will not
grab that motherfucker's hand for nothing.
570
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:54,212
Every time she grab for his hand,
she do karate.
571
00:37:00,009 --> 00:37:03,262
"I know where your hand's been,
motherfucker. You are not..."
572
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:06,098
Trump don't give a fuck.
573
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,851
Trump makes his own rules.
574
00:37:09,810 --> 00:37:13,356
Trump was on the news.
They asked Trump about the leaks.
575
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:18,361
Trump said, "The leaks are real,
but the news is fake."
576
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:19,779
[audience laughing]
577
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:32,375
"I heard about the leaks on the news, sir.
You are confusing me."
578
00:37:33,376 --> 00:37:37,380
That's like the police pull you over,
you tell them the blunt ain't real,
579
00:37:37,463 --> 00:37:38,422
but the smoke is.
580
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:43,219
"Take your ass to real jail then,
since you are..."
581
00:37:44,845 --> 00:37:46,472
It's a new world out there.
582
00:37:46,806 --> 00:37:50,685
You just gotta know what's true
and let that be true to you.
583
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:54,647
Don't let them change
what your idea of true is.
584
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:58,651
They try to tell us shit ain't right,
and we know what the answers are.
585
00:37:58,734 --> 00:38:01,112
They try to tell us
ain't no global warming.
586
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:04,949
Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker.
We live on this globe.
587
00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:09,078
We know there's global warming.
What the fuck happened to winter?
588
00:38:12,665 --> 00:38:15,084
Won't nobody say shit? Winter is gone!
589
00:38:16,544 --> 00:38:19,714
When we was kids,
winter was 19 months long.
590
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:25,928
Snowmen used to last
for four, five months.
591
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,098
Now, winter is gone.
592
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,018
Winter used to be from September to April.
593
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:34,854
Then winter was from November to March.
594
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:38,482
Now winter is just in Alaska
and New York, that's it.
595
00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:39,859
[audience laughing]
596
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:42,403
Nobody else has seen a winter at all.
597
00:38:43,529 --> 00:38:45,990
"Ain't no global warming." Yes, it is.
598
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,661
Shit's getting aggressive.
Shit's getting more aggressive.
599
00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:53,331
Fast food is getting more aggressive.
600
00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:57,043
Fast food used to be
just a decision you made.
601
00:38:57,376 --> 00:39:01,380
Now they're getting aggressive,
and we gotta know when to draw the line.
602
00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:05,926
Taco Bell done started...
trying to trap niggas.
603
00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:08,012
[audience laughing]
604
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:15,561
I gotta go all around the country
warning my people to beware.
605
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,773
Taco Bell is trying to trap niggas, yes.
606
00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:21,776
They made a taco out of chicken meat.
607
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:25,613
Yeah, trying to trap niggas in there.
608
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:27,156
We got to draw the line.
609
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:30,159
No, Taco Bell. No.
610
00:39:31,118 --> 00:39:32,578
If we don't stop them now,
611
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:37,458
they'll have chitlin chimichangas
and hog maw nachos. No.
612
00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:41,629
We don't want no corn bread churro.
Make them regular.
613
00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:43,923
[audience laughing]
614
00:39:44,507 --> 00:39:46,592
Fast food done got more aggressive.
615
00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:51,430
You know who I blame for that shit.
That motherfucking Popeyes lady.
616
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:56,852
I love Popeyes, but I can't stand
that motherfucking Popeyes lady.
617
00:39:57,311 --> 00:40:00,564
That bitch is a slave.
Every time you hear her,
618
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:02,983
she's singing that slave-ass chicken song.
619
00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:06,237
♪ Love that chicken
From Popeye ♪
620
00:40:06,737 --> 00:40:08,781
Shut the fuck up, bitch.
621
00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:18,499
I'm gonna let you know, white people,
that bitch does not speak for all niggas.
622
00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:23,003
We've been frying chicken
for 400, 500 goddamn years.
623
00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:27,508
This bitch coming up with new recipes.
She ain't checked with niggas at all.
624
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:29,927
[audience laughing]
625
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:34,723
Every two weeks, she got a new chicken
niggas have never heard of.
626
00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:37,184
"Try our new ghost pepper chicken."
627
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:39,979
Wait a minute, bitch.
628
00:40:40,729 --> 00:40:43,357
Niggas don't even believe in ghosts.
629
00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:47,361
You done get that voodoo-ass chicken
out of here, bitch.
630
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,781
We are Christians on this side,
I'll have you know.
631
00:40:53,659 --> 00:40:54,910
Fuck that bitch.
632
00:40:55,202 --> 00:40:59,165
Every time she do a commercial,
there's got to be some coonery and shit.
633
00:40:59,248 --> 00:41:02,168
She got Jerry Rice
looking like Scatman Crothers
634
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:05,421
with Vaseline on his face,
with a helmet on,
635
00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:08,048
eating chicken wings and dancing and shit.
636
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:14,221
Everybody getting more aggressive.
The most aggressive is Arby's.
637
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,640
Arby's is aggressive.
638
00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:20,769
Every 45 seconds,
Arby's got three new sandwiches
639
00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:23,022
and a brand-new commercial.
640
00:41:23,105 --> 00:41:25,774
They trying to gangster niggas
into coming in there.
641
00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:28,277
[scatting]
642
00:41:29,111 --> 00:41:31,030
"We have the meats."
643
00:41:31,780 --> 00:41:34,742
That don't even sound attractive.
Stop saying that.
644
00:41:34,825 --> 00:41:36,952
That does not sound good.
645
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:41,332
Poor Arby's. Arby's is desperate.
646
00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:44,418
Arby's been cooking for 150 years.
647
00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:48,172
They just found out
niggas do not eat roast beef.
648
00:41:48,255 --> 00:41:49,590
[audience laughing]
649
00:41:49,673 --> 00:41:53,552
Every nigga in here know
where a roast-beef sandwich is, at Arby's.
650
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,847
You wouldn't go to Arby's
to save your life.
651
00:41:57,348 --> 00:42:01,310
If Jesus came back to an Arby's,
you'd have meet him in the parking lot.
652
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:05,439
"No, Jesus, I'm right outside,
soon as you come outside the door.
653
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:09,652
I can't eat nothing out of there
but the curly fries and the Jamocha Shake.
654
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,737
That's the only thing my stomach..."
655
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:13,822
[audience cheering]
656
00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:20,496
You go to Arby's.
Arby's got 500 items on the menu.
657
00:42:20,996 --> 00:42:24,750
I went to Arby's, they gave me
a sandwich with meatloaf, corn beef,
658
00:42:24,833 --> 00:42:29,713
brisket, pulled ham, turkey,
two fish sticks, a crab cake,
659
00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,465
a dollop of coleslaw,
660
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:35,135
on two pieces of hot-water corn bread
for $1.29.
661
00:42:35,844 --> 00:42:38,430
It came with two bag of chips
and three drinks.
662
00:42:39,098 --> 00:42:40,599
"Please come to Arby's."
663
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:41,934
They desperate.
664
00:42:43,018 --> 00:42:45,729
Now, I know that I talk a lot about race.
665
00:42:46,730 --> 00:42:51,151
I don't want people to think it's more
racist than it usually is. It's the same.
666
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:55,322
They don't hate all niggas.
They just like some more than others.
667
00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:58,284
If you tall and dark with a deep voice,
668
00:42:58,367 --> 00:43:01,870
they love your motherfucking ass.
That nigga is selling the shit
669
00:43:01,954 --> 00:43:06,166
out them Allstate commercials.
[in deep voice] "You're in good hands...
670
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:08,002
with Allstate."
671
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,963
[in normal voice]
White people are like, "I trust him.
672
00:43:11,046 --> 00:43:13,299
I think he has our best interests
at heart."
673
00:43:15,801 --> 00:43:18,762
You tall and dark with a deep voice,
they love you.
674
00:43:19,179 --> 00:43:22,182
That nigga's selling the shit
out them ADT commercials.
675
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:24,810
Ving Rhames is right in the front camera.
676
00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:28,314
[as Ving Rhames] "Don't you even think
about coming in here."
677
00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:31,775
[in normal voice]
Get your black ass out of this front yard
678
00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,235
before we both get shot.
679
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,863
Come in here, ADT.
680
00:43:38,657 --> 00:43:40,492
You tall and dark, they love you.
681
00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:44,955
Samuel L. Jackson is selling the shit
out them Capital One commercials.
682
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,583
That nigga be cleaner
than the Board of Health.
683
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:52,463
He just sound too edgy at the end,
like he might maybe could rob you.
684
00:43:53,047 --> 00:43:54,381
"What's in your wallet?"
685
00:43:54,465 --> 00:43:57,676
Goddamn, Sam. What the fuck?
You still out there, nigga?
686
00:44:00,262 --> 00:44:01,889
It's a new world out there.
687
00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:05,100
Gotta take care of yourself,
eat right, drink right.
688
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:08,270
They got a flu virus out there
that's killing people.
689
00:44:08,354 --> 00:44:10,397
The flu is already bullshit.
690
00:44:11,065 --> 00:44:13,442
You don't need to catch the flu and die.
691
00:44:13,984 --> 00:44:16,403
Don't worry about me.
I can't catch the flu.
692
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,531
A lot of y'all don't know,
every time you go to jail...
693
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:22,242
you get a flu shot, so...
694
00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:25,579
I done had 22 flu shots.
695
00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:31,669
I can't legally catch the flu
until 2026 I think it is.
696
00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:36,090
I can't get the flu, tuberculosis.
None of that shit.
697
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:40,260
I go to jail, they don't take my picture.
698
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:43,806
They let me pick from my book.
"Which one of these do you like?
699
00:44:43,889 --> 00:44:45,349
You can pick any one."
700
00:44:48,394 --> 00:44:50,020
It's a new world out there.
701
00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:51,730
It's a new world.
702
00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:55,275
When we was young,
they use to tell us shit like:
703
00:44:55,734 --> 00:45:00,280
"By the time you grow up,
computers is gonna be running the world."
704
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:02,699
We thought that was impossible.
705
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:08,247
"Ain't no way no motherfucking computers
gonna be interacting with us. Shit."
706
00:45:08,705 --> 00:45:13,252
If you got Siri and Alexa,
your ass is in a threesome.
707
00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:14,962
[audience laughing]
708
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:19,842
I'm in love with them bitches. I talk
to Siri and Alexa about all my troubles.
709
00:45:20,592 --> 00:45:24,430
First of all, these bitches don't
back-talk none. They're so polite.
710
00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:26,849
They wait for you
to call their name first.
711
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:28,600
"Alexa, what time is it?"
712
00:45:28,684 --> 00:45:31,270
She don't say,
"Nigga, find your own clock."
713
00:45:31,353 --> 00:45:33,689
[audience laughing]
714
00:45:34,189 --> 00:45:36,275
Gonna be new shit in the future.
715
00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:39,736
They already making robots right now
that can fuck.
716
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,617
Ladies, I'm warning y'all now.
717
00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,703
[audience laughing]
718
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:51,415
Get your pussy game together.
719
00:45:51,498 --> 00:45:53,500
[audience laughing]
720
00:45:55,210 --> 00:45:59,631
Hurry before these robot bitches get here.
It's gonna be some shit.
721
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:05,137
You think niggas is bad with they phone,
wait till they get a robot bitch.
722
00:46:05,762 --> 00:46:10,267
That bitch run out of her charge.
"I need a cord. I need a USB real fast.
723
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:13,979
My computer bitch done went down.
Hurry."
724
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:22,029
"I got her in the shop getting her pussy
tightened up. It wasn't the way I wanted."
725
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,115
You fuck her and she play ESPN.
726
00:46:25,199 --> 00:46:28,202
It's beautiful.
You ain't never had no shit like this.
727
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:31,038
That's okay, ladies. Don't worry.
728
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:33,707
We ain't gonna never leave y'all
for robots,
729
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:38,295
'cause first time you fuck over
one of them robots... that's your ass.
730
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:41,924
You think a regular bitch
will shut down your life,
731
00:46:42,007 --> 00:46:44,218
wait till you piss off a robot bitch.
732
00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:48,722
You wake up, this bitch done shut
your lights off, your cable is off.
733
00:46:49,181 --> 00:46:53,185
She done quit your job
with a long letter signed with your name.
734
00:46:53,268 --> 00:46:55,437
"Goddamn, computer bitch."
735
00:46:56,438 --> 00:46:59,775
Bitch sent your dick pics
all out to the community and shit.
736
00:46:59,858 --> 00:47:02,402
She done turn
into Rob Kardashian and shit.
737
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:04,446
What are you doing, computer?
738
00:47:07,699 --> 00:47:09,785
You just gotta remember to laugh...
739
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:13,622
and make as many changes
as you can in your life.
740
00:47:13,705 --> 00:47:17,167
Sometimes little small shit
can change shit.
741
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:20,921
Little small shit. Watch this.
Where's all the single people?
742
00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:23,840
Make some noise.
Single people, is y'all out there?
743
00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:27,344
-[audience cheering]
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
744
00:47:27,427 --> 00:47:28,428
Sounding strong.
745
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:31,932
Where's all the relationships
in the building? Make some noise.
746
00:47:32,015 --> 00:47:34,017
[audience cheering]
747
00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:38,689
Okay. Y'all sound boo'd up
in Jacksonville.
748
00:47:38,772 --> 00:47:40,774
[audience laughing]
749
00:47:41,441 --> 00:47:43,735
Some of y'all is with two somebodies.
750
00:47:44,403 --> 00:47:47,239
They in the back
hiding off-camera and shit.
751
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:54,663
Whether you single
or you in a relationship,
752
00:47:54,746 --> 00:47:57,791
take this little piece of advice,
add it to your life.
753
00:47:57,874 --> 00:47:59,293
It's gonna change shit.
754
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:02,087
Do more fucking.
755
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:08,844
Didn't that sound simple? Do more fucking.
It'll change your life.
756
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:14,349
Do it. If you single, you should be
fucking every chance you get.
757
00:48:14,933 --> 00:48:16,893
Just in case. You never know.
758
00:48:17,394 --> 00:48:20,814
And if you in a relationship,
do more fucking.
759
00:48:20,897 --> 00:48:22,983
And, women, I'm not talking to y'all.
760
00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:26,445
I know y'all are always
ready, ready, ready.
761
00:48:27,696 --> 00:48:29,031
I'm talking to men.
762
00:48:29,656 --> 00:48:31,783
We only wanna give her perfect dick.
763
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,828
No. Give her all the dicks.
764
00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:40,250
Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick.
She loves angry dick.
765
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:42,836
"Gee, I don't know what done got into him,
766
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:47,924
but this is finally what I've been talking
about right here. This is exactly..."
767
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:50,302
[audience laughing]
768
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:52,346
Just saying.
769
00:48:52,929 --> 00:48:55,432
Do... more fucking.
770
00:48:56,308 --> 00:48:59,353
It's important. It's important.
You gotta do more.
771
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:02,564
You gotta do more. Now, understand...
772
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:05,108
and do more fucking.
773
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:08,570
And that means all parts of it.
774
00:49:09,237 --> 00:49:13,700
Do more fucking. Watch this. Where's
the men in the building? Make some noise.
775
00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:15,911
Men, is y'all in the building?
Make some noise.
776
00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:17,037
[men shouting]
777
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,290
All right. How many of y'all men,
by round of applause,
778
00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:22,959
know that Viagra works its ass off?
779
00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:25,170
-Make some noise.
-[scattered shouting]
780
00:49:25,253 --> 00:49:30,550
Thank all 12 of y'all for your honesty
and your dedication.
781
00:49:32,052 --> 00:49:34,971
The rest of you lying sacks of shit...
782
00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:38,934
Some of you men tried
to break your hands not clapping.
783
00:49:39,393 --> 00:49:41,395
[audience laughing]
784
00:49:42,729 --> 00:49:44,940
"What'd he say? 'Who's been to Niagara?'
785
00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:48,527
I ain't never been to Niagara,
if that's what he's saying."
786
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:55,867
Every man in here knows Viagra works.
Most shit for men does not work.
787
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:57,953
Viagra is not one of them.
788
00:49:58,704 --> 00:50:02,332
Viagra works its ass off.
That shit works too good.
789
00:50:02,416 --> 00:50:05,252
Every man either knows it
'cause you needed it,
790
00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:07,838
you prayed to God for it.
791
00:50:08,296 --> 00:50:10,215
For the first time in your life,
792
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:13,009
you said your prayer
with your dick in your hand.
793
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:17,347
Just, "Heavenly Father,
this is your humble servant, Lord.
794
00:50:18,014 --> 00:50:20,684
You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus.
795
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:25,564
And if you would just lay those
same mighty hands on my penile region..."
796
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:32,612
You either know it 'cause you needed it,
you prayed to God for it...
797
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:36,992
or you didn't need it,
you just figured you'd try it,
798
00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:41,913
see what the fuck it would do
before you did need it.
799
00:50:41,997 --> 00:50:44,708
But either way,
you know Viagra works its ass off.
800
00:50:44,791 --> 00:50:48,462
As soon as you swallow it,
it goes right to your dick immediately.
801
00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:51,339
You like, "Wait a minute.
I'm not even ready yet."
802
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:52,758
[audience laughing]
803
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:54,384
You be trying to figure out:
804
00:50:54,468 --> 00:50:57,471
"Is it gonna make my dick big enough
for me to notice?"
805
00:50:57,554 --> 00:51:03,101
Shit, Viagra make your dick bigger than
you have ever seen it before in your life.
806
00:51:03,685 --> 00:51:06,938
You don't wanna touch it,
it look like another nigga's dick.
807
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:08,815
You just looking at it, just--
808
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,901
["I'm Lit" playing on speakers]
809
00:51:10,984 --> 00:51:13,945
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
810
00:51:20,076 --> 00:51:22,954
♪ I'm lit, I'm lit, I'm lit
I'm lit, I'm lit, I'm lit ♪
811
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:23,872
[music stops]
812
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,416
That's your "I'm walking
with a new dick" walk.
813
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:29,836
Viagra's the shit.
814
00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:33,799
That shit work too good.
It make your dick hard as a rock
815
00:51:33,882 --> 00:51:36,927
and make your head hurt at the same time.
816
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:40,680
You are delivering pleasure
and receiving pain. You just:
817
00:51:40,764 --> 00:51:43,892
[grunting and groaning]
818
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:45,977
[audience laughing]
819
00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:53,276
It's fucked up.
820
00:51:53,985 --> 00:51:55,445
That shit work too good.
821
00:51:55,737 --> 00:51:59,741
As a man, you and your penis
got mental telepathy.
822
00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:02,494
If you say it, your dick does it.
823
00:52:02,577 --> 00:52:04,830
If it's time to pee, your dick pees.
824
00:52:05,330 --> 00:52:07,582
Time to shake, your dick shakes.
825
00:52:08,333 --> 00:52:12,504
Viagra make your dick ignore you
for the first time in life.
826
00:52:12,587 --> 00:52:16,842
I specifically said to my dick,
and I quote, "That's about enough now.
827
00:52:18,009 --> 00:52:20,011
Go on and wrap it up."
828
00:52:22,180 --> 00:52:23,765
My dick know when I say that,
829
00:52:23,849 --> 00:52:26,726
that means we have done
what the fuck we came to do.
830
00:52:27,644 --> 00:52:30,564
It's time to hit the dismount,
get some sleep.
831
00:52:31,314 --> 00:52:33,900
I told my dick to wrap it up.
My dick said:
832
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:36,862
["Boss Moves" playing on speakers]
833
00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:39,114
♪ All my ho's make boss moves ♪
834
00:52:39,197 --> 00:52:41,032
♪ All my fellas make boss moves ♪
835
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:44,035
♪ Yo, nigga, you can be a boss, too
All my niggas make-- ♪
836
00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:45,161
[music stops]
837
00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:48,665
Fellas, you ever fuck so long
you don't even know what to do no more?
838
00:52:48,748 --> 00:52:51,293
You done used all your moves and shit?
839
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:55,839
It's an out-of-body experience.
You start criticizing your own dick.
840
00:52:55,922 --> 00:52:57,549
"This is wrong, right here.
841
00:52:58,216 --> 00:53:03,013
She gotta be at work at 6:30
in the morning, and here I am at 4:35."
842
00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:07,517
That shit works.
843
00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:10,896
But I didn't bring up Viagra...
844
00:53:12,397 --> 00:53:14,399
to talk to the men.
845
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:17,986
I brought up Viagra to talk to the ladies.
846
00:53:18,820 --> 00:53:22,908
New shit. I've been talking about it
for two years. It's finally happening.
847
00:53:23,742 --> 00:53:27,537
2018, they gonna be selling it.
It's gonna change everything.
848
00:53:27,621 --> 00:53:30,874
They are finally fitting
to sell female Viagra.
849
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:32,000
[woman cheers]
850
00:53:32,083 --> 00:53:33,335
Did you hear that?
851
00:53:33,710 --> 00:53:38,173
That wasn't women. That was old vaginas
waking up for the first time tonight.
852
00:53:38,256 --> 00:53:39,549
[audience laughing]
853
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,259
"What did that nigga say?"
854
00:53:43,178 --> 00:53:46,848
She ain't gave that pussy away
since the Prohibition. That's fresh.
855
00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:50,810
She got cobwebs on it
and everything is fresh. Saran Wrap.
856
00:53:53,021 --> 00:53:55,732
That's right, ladies.
Female Viagra is coming.
857
00:53:55,815 --> 00:53:59,611
It's fitting to change everything.
The pussy game is already vicious,
858
00:53:59,694 --> 00:54:02,864
wait till this old kitty cat get back
on the market.
859
00:54:03,531 --> 00:54:07,869
They say the female Viagra is stronger
than the men's.
860
00:54:08,662 --> 00:54:10,872
Yeah, they say even if you 62,
861
00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:14,417
it'll bring you back
to when you was at your hottest.
862
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:16,336
Look at the cougars. Rawr.
863
00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:18,338
[audience laughing]
864
00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:24,260
That's gonna change the game.
865
00:54:24,552 --> 00:54:26,972
Right now, young girls is running things.
866
00:54:27,055 --> 00:54:29,641
But you wait
till that old classic get out.
867
00:54:30,892 --> 00:54:33,311
Men know there ain't
but two types of pussy,
868
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:35,855
the old classic pussy and the new classic.
869
00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:39,109
That old classic is a classic
for a reason.
870
00:54:39,192 --> 00:54:42,988
It's got its own classic rules,
that old classic.
871
00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:47,867
A young girl, you just get her to bed
and start fucking. Not that old classic.
872
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:48,785
Oh, no.
873
00:54:49,327 --> 00:54:51,955
You got to warm up that engine first.
874
00:54:52,288 --> 00:54:54,499
You gotta prime that engine. You...
875
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:56,668
[mimicking sputtering engine]
876
00:55:07,053 --> 00:55:09,347
Have to grab that bitch
by the nipples and shit.
877
00:55:10,765 --> 00:55:14,728
Have to keep checking her fluids.
"She ain't ready yet. She is not ready."
878
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:16,563
[mimicking sputtering engine]
879
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:20,025
You'll know when she ready,
'cause she gonna crank up.
880
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:22,277
[mimicking revving engine]
881
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:27,198
Like, "This bitch got a 450 under there.
This is a real classic right here."
882
00:55:29,743 --> 00:55:31,536
That's that old classic.
883
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,124
Young girl wanna come all night long.
884
00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:39,502
Not that old classic. Oh, no.
885
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:41,796
She just wanna come one time.
886
00:55:42,255 --> 00:55:44,716
She wanna come hard as hell.
887
00:55:45,341 --> 00:55:48,386
She want it to shake the room. Boo!
888
00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:56,394
She ain't got time
to be fucking all night.
889
00:55:56,478 --> 00:55:59,606
She got shit in the Crock-Pot
she got to look after.
890
00:56:00,315 --> 00:56:03,443
"I stir these at 3 and at 7
like clockwork.
891
00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:05,737
I never miss it. That's my secret."
892
00:56:08,448 --> 00:56:09,866
That's that old classic.
893
00:56:10,575 --> 00:56:15,622
She don't wanna come but one time,
but it ain't gonna be easy. Oh, no.
894
00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:20,585
You have to be ready to do
49 to 52 minutes of hard work.
895
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:25,298
You gonna have to use hard dick
and creativity.
896
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:29,844
'Cause she can't move this hip...
and this knee.
897
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,848
You might have to fuck that bitch
in a rocking chair.
898
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:35,934
[audience laughing]
899
00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,229
"Can you feel that, Mee-Maw?"
900
00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:47,070
That's that old classic.
901
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:53,827
Just saying, do more fucking.
902
00:56:54,410 --> 00:56:56,329
Some of you women are lucky.
903
00:56:56,412 --> 00:56:59,624
You are sitting right now
with a man with great dick.
904
00:57:00,416 --> 00:57:01,960
Don't make no noise.
905
00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:04,003
[audience laughing]
906
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:06,965
Y'all know how these Jacksonville ho's is.
907
00:57:07,048 --> 00:57:09,050
[audience laughing]
908
00:57:09,676 --> 00:57:12,929
Soon as y'all made noise,
that bitch look like vultures.
909
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:30,864
They'll do a flyby on your relationship.
"What the fuck is this bitch clapping for?
910
00:57:30,947 --> 00:57:34,284
That ain't nobody but Gerald, girl.
Nobody but Gerald."
911
00:57:36,411 --> 00:57:41,124
It's true. It's true. Some of you women
is sitting here with men with great dick.
912
00:57:41,207 --> 00:57:44,461
And notice I didn't say "big dick."
I said "great dick."
913
00:57:44,544 --> 00:57:48,047
I don't know sizes. I know mine is
as big as it's ever gonna be,
914
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:49,507
and I leave it at that.
915
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:55,180
As men, we know if we got great dick,
and your woman know, too.
916
00:57:55,555 --> 00:57:59,517
Some of you men look confused.
You don't know if you got regular dick...
917
00:58:00,602 --> 00:58:02,312
or if you got great dick.
918
00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:05,732
This is how you know, fellas,
if you got great dick.
919
00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:09,444
If you can let your woman see your penis
before it gets hard.
920
00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:14,115
You can walk right up to the bed,
"You need anything out the kitchen?
921
00:58:14,199 --> 00:58:16,201
[audience laughing]
922
00:58:21,206 --> 00:58:23,917
I'm gonna get some ice-cold sweet tea
and I'll be ready
923
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,752
to lay that hammer down."
924
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,338
That mean you got it.
925
00:58:29,964 --> 00:58:31,341
That's that great dick.
926
00:58:32,133 --> 00:58:33,635
If you got regular dick,
927
00:58:33,718 --> 00:58:37,430
your ass gotta hide all around
the bedroom till your dick get right.
928
00:58:38,014 --> 00:58:40,350
You behind the TV and shit.
929
00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:44,479
All behind the curtains and the plants.
"I'll be right there."
930
00:58:44,562 --> 00:58:46,564
[audience laughing]
931
00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:54,113
That's great dick.
932
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:56,574
Women don't think we know.
933
00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:00,036
Women think all vagina is the same to us.
934
00:59:00,119 --> 00:59:01,538
No the fuck it ain't.
935
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:05,833
We know when we done laid it down,
but we don't say shit.
936
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:10,630
As a man, we don't say shit.
We just walk away, go in the bathroom,
937
00:59:11,172 --> 00:59:14,884
shut the door, turn on the shower.
We don't even get in the shower.
938
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,553
We be looking in the mirror.
939
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:18,638
["Freedom" playing on speakers]
940
00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:20,932
♪ We got to do this now ♪
941
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,434
♪ Let me show you how ♪
942
00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:25,728
♪ Before the time-- ♪
943
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:26,813
[music stops]
944
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:32,569
-Thank y'all so much. I appreciate y'all.
-[audience cheering]
945
00:59:32,652 --> 00:59:34,696
["Bad Guy" playing on speakers]
946
00:59:34,779 --> 00:59:38,199
♪ Feelin' like O.J.
I know they goin' get me ♪
947
00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:40,535
♪ But, bitch, not today ♪
948
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:43,246
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪
949
00:59:46,749 --> 00:59:49,002
♪ I don't give a fuck
What the sentence is ♪
950
00:59:49,085 --> 00:59:51,004
♪ I'm still fittin' to get it in ♪
951
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:55,717
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪
952
00:59:56,718 --> 00:59:58,219
♪ I'm already free ♪
953
00:59:58,845 --> 01:00:00,680
♪ But I'm still in court ♪
954
01:00:01,222 --> 01:00:02,807
♪ I got a lot on my docket ♪
955
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:08,605
♪ Tryin' to fuck a nigga's life up
Tryin' to fuck a nigga's life up ♪
956
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:11,065
♪ Gotta clean it like Lysol ♪
957
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:12,900
♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪