I can't stop thinking about...
What?
You.
In a sexual way.
Yeah, it's what we call, erm...
transference, it's, er...
It's quite common.
Something we can work through...
together.
I'd like to work through it.
Hm.
I'd also like to have sex.
Oh.
Right now.
Hm.
Sh, sh, sh!
Shhh.
"There was once a very happy horse called Hubert.
Hubert was so happy, he would run around all day long..."
- Mummy. - Mm?
Why was Daddy naked with that lady?
What do you mean, darling?
Daddy was naked with that lady in his office.
I saw their bums.
Do you know what sex is, Otis?
Sex is when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina.
Does it hurt?
It can.
Intercourse can... be wonderful,
but it can also cause tremendous pain.
And if you're not careful...
sex can destroy lives.
"Happy Hubert was going to the happy horse festival,
to see all his happy horse friends..."
- Yes, it is my job! - No, it isn't!
Yes, it is my job!
Eric!
You look...
- Normal. - I was going to say "nice".
Your bruise is healing.
I keep telling you that bike is dangerous.
Everyone stop staring.
Let's eat.
Dear Father God,
thank You for waking us all up in the morning.
I'm very thankful for this food. In Jesus' name, amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Ah, phew... Busy, busy, busy.
Yet another TED talk to do tomorrow,
and then straight back on to the book tour.
First stop, Las Vegas. And that is one crazy town!
How are you doin', dude?
I’m good. Yeah, I'm really good. Great.
Just...
Overcompensation merely masks an unconscious weakness, Otis.
Now, come on, talk to your old man.
I, er...
I had a fight with one of my best mates.
He said some stuff...
We both said some stuff, and...
Actually... No, it's all right. I'm fine. It's fine.
Oh, come on, pal.
What are you trying to say?
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Ah... Uh...
Two days after my 15th birthday, to be exact.
So, you're still a virgin. Well, that... That's cool, kid.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, but I'm... I...
I'm...
I can't even just...
I’m behind. I'm way behind my peers.
Listen. The first time you do it,
it will probably be bad.
The good stuff comes later.
So you have to ask yourself, "Why am I waiting?"
It's kind of like skydiving, you know.
Yes. At some point, you've just gotta...
Whoo! Chuck yourself out of the plane.
So, I should just jump?
Yeah, exactly.
Just rip that Band-Aid right off.
How’s your father?
He's fine.
Did you talk to him about your fight with Eric?
I think it's important
- you don't bottle up residual guilt. - Mum!
What did you talk about?
Father-son stuff.
Yeah, keep going, Jackson! Come on, man!
Let's go!
Pain is temporary, eh?
Greatness is forever, Jackson!
No, man!
You're miles off! Huh?
You're coming up out of the water straight into the stroke, man.
You're losing all your technique.
How many times have we gotta go through this, Jackson?
Right, listen. Don't take your eye off the ball.
You need to focus.
I am focused.
Look. You've got your whole life for girlfriends, Jacko.
You've got county trials coming up. And then you're on to the nationals.
Remember, winners never quit.
- Quitters never win. - Aye. Let's go again.
What's happened, Tromboner? Yeah? Woken up straight?
Well, you look shit.
So I think I need to talk to Otis.
- Problems with Kyle? - Oh, no, I'm with Steve now.
Who’s Steve?
You know, Top-Heavy Steve?
- Hm? - Built like a Chupa Chup.
Cool. Yeah. I'll book you in.
You're in the library first period, right?
Great. You can take these back for me.
Oh, and by the way, I have some late fines.
I'd like to be helpful.
Give me some.
Come on.
- Hi, Maeve. - Hi.
- How are you? - Great. Yeah.
- Great. - Cool.
Hey!
- Watch where you're goin'. - Sorry.
Trouble in paradise?
He won't talk to me.
Er, good morning, Moordale.
Er, let's start today's assembly with a very special announcement.
Er, the winner of this year's sixth form essay competition has been decided.
So, the, er...
award goes to...
Er, Adam Groff.
Erm... Er...
Well, le... let's, er...
Let's give Adam a round of applause as we welcome him on stage
to, er, read out...
the winning entry.
L... Er, Langston...
"Langston Hughes wrote a poem called 'Dreams.'
He said, 'Hold fast to dreams,
for, if dreams die,
life is but a broken-winged bird,
that cannot fly.'
Er, Joseph Conman.
- Con... - Conrad.
Conrad.
Joseph Conrad was right.
We live as we dream.
Alone.
Er... In ten years' time...
I hope I have my arms and my hands..."
Oh, by the way, can you meet Aimee in the, erm, science lab after lunch?
She's having bedroom problems with Steve.
Who's Steve?
Top-Heavy Steve? Looks like an ice-cream cone.
- Yes! Okay. Science lab. - Yeah. Yeah.
- I'll be there. - Cool.
Oh, erm...
Maybe don't mention that you're a virgin.
Like, obviously, it's totally cool. Not that big of a deal.
However, could be really bad for business.
- Sure. Yeah, I won't tell anyone. - Nice.
- See you later. - See ya.
Would you like to have sex with me?
It's a no-strings-attached kind of situation.
I only want one thing.
- Your dick. - I've got a girlfriend. Sorry.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
What is it with boys?
It's like you all suddenly woke up with boundaries.
I’ve been thinking about your...
proposition.
- If you're still interested... - Yes.
Great! Fantastic.
To be clear, I don't want to have sex with you specifically.
- Just a human man with a penis. - That's...
great for my self-esteem.
I feel the same way.
Purely... pragmatic.
- Do you wanna meet up this week? - Tonight.
Your house. I'll bring the condoms.
- You bring the lube. - No...
Hi.
Hello.
I'm here to put in new taps.
Yes.
- In case you forgot. - No.
No, I didn't forget.
Okay.
So...
- The bathroom. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Could you... possibly take a look at something else first?
Your son is very angry.
- No? - Well, actually,
- he's usually quite contained. - Okay.
I have two teenage daughters.
They used to be angels.
And now they are evil.
Like demons from Hell.
I... I love my girls. Hm?
I do, but I don't like them very much.
Yes, well...
middle adolescence is a tumultuous stage of development.
So, you dislike your son too?
Oh, well, that's a very strong word to use about one's child.
Do you always avoid questions like this?
No. Of course not.
Okay.
Okay. Erm...
Sometimes, I do dislike my son.
I mean, yes, he used to be sweet
and really loving, and...
now he doesn't share anything with me.
I mean, I understand that it's a natural stage of puberty,
the desire for autonomy,
but I guess I wasn't expecting it to hurt quite so much.
Hm. But we can never let them know how much they make us feel lonely.
Wardrobe is fucked. Now I'll fix your bathroom.
So, Aimee,
what seems to be the problem?
So, me and Steve are having sex,
and everything's completely normal, until...
Mm.
Do you wanna come on my face?
Not really.
Why?
I, er... I like your face.
Mm. Mm!
What about my tits, then?
- Hm... - Do you wanna come on them?
I'm sorry, can... can we stop?
- Have I done something wrong? - No.
It's just... Do you actually want me to do any of that stuff?
Yeah.
I think so.
It feels like you're performing.
Tell me what you want.
I don't know what I want.
No one's ever asked me that before.
Steve says his "thing" is girls properly enjoying sex.
He says he can tell I'm being fake.
- Well, are you? - Yeah. I'm always fake.
Well, you should probably think about...
you know, things you enjoy when it's just you.
Alone.
Ugh! I don't do that.
- Yuck! - Er, you don't...
- Really? - No. I always have a boyfriend.
Well...
women do tend to feel more shame surrounding masturbation than men.
Feeling that it's... it's sort of taboo, or dirty.
Which it isn’t.
And of course, some men also...
feel this way about areas.
- What's that got to do with anything? - Nothing, I'm just...
What I'm saying is...
before you talk to Steve, you... you should probably figure out...
you know, what works for you...
and your body.
So you're prescribing a wank?
Yeah.
Er... ah... Okay! Okay! Okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Ah! Mm!
Mm! Who is the rogue metronome?
Huh?
No culprits then, right?
Okay, I see. You got away with it this time,
but I am watching you with my ears.
That's impossible, by the way.
Let's try again. One, two, three, and...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Stop.
Stop. What’s going on, guys?
- Talk to me. - It's Tromboner.
He's bad.
That's harsh, Neville. Okay? Eric needs our support.
You are jazz, Eric is jazz, I am jazz.
Okay?
E-Man. What's up today?
Sir, he's wasting everybody's time.
- Okay... - No, I'll go, then.
Hey, it’s chill, E-Man.
My name is Eric!
Stop trying to be cool.
You're an alcoholic music teacher who thinks that he "gets jazz".
You're tragic.
I don't appreciate that tone.
- Eric, come back here... - Don't fucking touch me!
What happened to Tromboner?
I think he's going for that prison chic.
Eric...
Eric Effiong to Mr. Groff's office.
What'd you think of Adam's essay?
I wasn't paying attention, to be honest. I was just thinking about...
- The counties. - Yeah.
Speaking of that...
I really need to focus for the next few weeks,
so I might not be able to, like... hang out as much.
Sorry for being boring.
We're not married, Jackson. It's fine.
Be right back.
Hey, frog face. Did you miss me?
Ooh! Whoa! Okay, I'll probably just...
- Okay... - Why are you bothering my girlfriend?
- Girlfriend? - Stop it. Stop it!
Sorry, who's the dickhead?
- My brother. - What?
Oh... Sis, did you not tell Action Man about me?
- Where the fuck have you been? - Houston. Texas.
Training to be an astronaut.
I've lost my keys.
- I didn't know you had a brother. - You do now.
Suspended.
And detention for the rest of the term.
What were you thinking?
At least I'm not expelled.
That's not the point.
Did someone try and hurt you?
Just sick of...
everyone treatin' me like shit.
It's how we all feel.
But you can't go around punching people.
- You told me to toughen up. - But not like that.
What kind of man do you want to be?
What kind of man do you want me to be, Dad?
I, er...
I know you wrote Adam's essay.
- Don't know what you're talking about. - Really?
Go tell Groff if you're so sure.
Oh, and get you expelled? I don't think that's what you want, is it?
Look.
Lots of people have acquired knowledge, Maeve.
Not many people have ideas.
You're an original thinker.
I don't need the inspirational speech, thanks.
I want you to think about applying for the Moordale Aptitude Scheme.
It could help you get a university scholarship.
Just think about it and let me know.
Right...
Let's do this.
Do you, erm... Do you... like manga?
Sorry.
Erm... That was... I need a safe word.
Flamin... flamingo.
I'm not very experienced.
- I'm sorry. - Me either.
That's the whole point.
I know. I know, it's just I...
I'm gonna need
to take things slow.
Yeah.
Do you have any music?
To set the mood.
Er...
Ooh. Erm...
Er...
Whale ambience helps me sleep.
Did you know that whales only have sex for 35 seconds?
Which is odd,
actually, because their penises are seven feet long.
I reckon you could drown in their come.
Fascinating.
So, exactly how slow are we talkin'? ‘Cause I’m good to go.
Surprise!
You clever boy.
It's all right, love.
We wanted to celebrate.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, Mum.
Aren’t we so proud?
- Oh, yes. Yes! - Proud of Adam, yes!
Erm... Ye... Yes, already said.
We're very proud.
Hi, Jeffrey.
I'll get the rent to you by the end of the week.
It's all right, Miss Maeve. Your brother's already paid.
Funny lad.
Ah, toss.
Looking for my wedding ring.
- Cynthia and I had another fight. - Oh.
I got a tattoo, I thought she'd like it.
- I mean, it's nice, right? - Erm...
Yeah. Yeah, it's uncanny.
Hm. Bye, Jeffrey.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Pancakes, your favorite.
Is this supposed to make up for the fact you left without saying goodbye?
- Pancakes with chocolate chips. - I woke up and you were gone.
Chocolate chips, which I shall arrange into smiley faces
- like when you were five? - You disappeared for four months, Sean!
- I was really fucking worried. - Look, I know I'm a bastard, all right?
I got into some trouble.
I was selling this guy's merchandise.
- I knew it. - No, no, no, not drugs!
I don't do that do that shit anymore.
Long story short, it was about a grand's worth of rip-off Nikes,
combined with a very ill-informed drunken night out,
resulting in a lot of lost goods
and a very angry and actually quite aggressive supplier.
Basically, I had to disappear.
And... I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you always are.
Why are you back? Do you need money?
Do you know what? I... I'm just gonna go.
- This is ridiculous. - Go. Where are you gonna go? Texas?
They have space training in Russia as well, you know, Maeve?
I mean, it is a shame about the weather,
and the human rights issues, but...
actually, very good rockets.
Those pancakes better have whipped cream on them.
What do you take me for?
An amateur?
Ah!
Hmm!
I want a crumpet.
Oh! Eww...
Okay, this is too slow.
Look, I just...
I think we can work up to the more intimate stuff.
We've been holding hands for 45 minutes.
I know how to hold hands. I'm here to fornicate.
Let's try something new?
I could suck your balls.
I was thinking more like a soft hug.
What's a soft hug?
You know, just...
Mm. Soft.
Why don't I wank you off? You could go down on me.
- I can't do that. - Do you wanna do this or not?
Bye, then.
Wait!
You're quite sexy.
You're sexy too.
I know.
Squeeze my nipples.
Like that?
That... Wow.
My fantasy Friday playlist.
Oh, my God.
You're writing.
Yes.
- Trying to, anyway. - It's good.
- Yeah. - I'm done with the bathroom.
Oh. Great.
- If you wanna take a look? - Yes, yes, I would.
Sorry. You have... just... a piece of fluff.
Are you gonna sniff my head again?
No! No, erm...
- Yes, no, just... a piece of fluff. - Yeah, yeah, I see.
- Thank you for removing this... - Oh...
fluff.
Look, we are obviously physically attracted to one another.
I mean, that comes...
down to compatible pheromones.
- Is it? - Yes.
I mean, only about ten percent of men
have high enough quantities of androsterone, which is the...
pheromone that gives humans what we call sex appeal.
I mean, these...
These men don't even need to be remotely attractive.
- But the pheromones... - Yes, just...
send off powerful signals of...
attraction.
Okay.
- Can I touch your penis?
Stop! Let me go!
Flamingo!
Get my mum.
- Get my mum! - Your mum?
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven...
You can't help yourself, can you?
- You... - Why are you always so dramatic, Jean?
- You put your cock in her! - No, you're behaving like a crazy woman!
You make me into a crazy woman!
Look, I... I cannot be around you when you're like this.
- Remi, don't... You... - No, I'm going out!
Otis? Sweetheart?
Why are you staring at me?
Ah, you gave us quite a fright, darling.
What happened, exactly?
We were trying to have sex, but I think it was a bit much for him.
Okay. I'm fine. I'm fine, guys. I just...
I got overheat... I got overheated.
So, come on. You're not actually datin'
- this Action Man dude, are you? - Yeah, I am. Why?
He just... He just seems so serious.
All right. All right.
Come on, then. Tell me about your golden boy.
He's nice.
He's nice, is he?
- Is that it? - No, he's...
He's in the swim team.
And he's got a great family.
He's good at school.
He's a really good guy, you know?
Well, I'm very happy for you.
Hm. Yeah, you seem it.
Sh...
Hello?
Yes, mate.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, I'll be there very, very shortly. Yes.
Okay, bye.
Right, that was an old mate. I'll be back very, very soon.
- Mm-hm. - Is there any chance
I could just scab a very little tenner?
Which I promise I'll pay you back as soon as I get a new job.
- Scout's honour. - You didn't go to Scouts.
- Inside pocket in my bag. - Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's good to be home, frog face.
Disappear again and I'll stab you in the eye.
Tell everyone about your essay.
It's a very long essay, Mum. No one wants to hear about that. It's boring.
No, it's not. We want to hear.
Go on, tell us about the Langston Hughes quote. So clever.
- Hm! - Who was Langston Hughes?
Well, Langston Hughes...
Langston Hughes was a very famous, erm...
erm...
golfer.
I thought he was a poet.
Oh!
That's so our Adam.
- Such a prankster. - Yeah.
Ha-ha!
So, Glenoxi arrives on the planet of Fuck,
which is run by mutants who have vulvas instead of tongues,
and she meets Lord Zortac.
And, at first, she despises him,
because he was responsible for killing her entire family
during the war of Gamma Velorum,
but then she forgives him when he agrees to become her sex slave...
and also, Glenoxi's a bit of a slut.
Okay.
Good.
Sorry this didn't go according to plan.
My expectations were extremely low, to be honest.
I don't think you're ready.
Well... hope you find someone who is.
Yeah? Me too.
Hey, thief. How’s your lock?
Er... Yeah, it's, erm... life-changing, actually.
- Yeah. - Was that your girlfriend?
No! Er, definitely not. Erm...
I'm just destined to be alone.
- Your dad's inside. Shall I get him? - Nah, don’t bother.
I think my dad likes your mum.
He changed his shirt three times and put on way too much aftershave.
Well, my mum doesn't really do boyfriends.
She's a man-eater.
That's kind of a weird way to describe your mother.
It's kind of weird that you drive your dad around everywhere.
- Doesn't he have a licence? - He's a drunk.
I'm so sorry. Er... I... I...
That was stupid, I didn't... I...
I'm messing with you.
Yeah, no, he just got caught speeding too many times.
He's had his licence suspended for six months, yeah.
My sister does mornings and I do afternoons and nights.
It's like you're the parent and he's a... he's a big, hairy child.
Yeah.
Do you wanna go out with me?
Well, I think you're funny, and I wanna go out with you.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Give me your phone.
If you want to hang out, call me.
Great.
- Cool. - Cool.
Bye.
Stop honking!
I'm coming!
Sorry.
We should really talk about the pheromones.
Thank you.
For all the work.
Yeah.
It was nice meeting you, Jean.
Yeah. It was nice meeting you too, Jakob.
Hi.
Thank you.
Die slowly. It cuts to thousands of pieces.
- Right. For the first time today. - It's your favorite.
Why use your venom on me?
- You killed my love. - That's possible.
I've killed a lot of people.
Do I ever remind you of Dad?
Sometimes.
But just the good bits.
Come on.
Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Why don't you ask Eric over?
I don't think he's gonna forgive me, Mum.
Course he will. If you keep trying.
Show him you mean it.
You'll be friends again before you know it.
You'll see.
Yeah.
I'll just be a sec.
Erm...
I don't...
know what happened earlier.
But it seemed like it was a big step.
I'm not prying, I just...
I just want to know that you're okay.
I'm okay.
Hey, it's Eric. Sorry to miss you. Call back when you can. Brrring!
Right, come on, Jackson!
Push, man! Keep the stroke going!
You're close, son! Come on, man, let's go, let's go!
Yes! Yes!
Well done!
Yes, sir!
Power!
Look at the time.
Whoo!
- Hey, man, can we talk? - Are you gonna hit me?
- No. - Yeah, let me guess.
Wrong place, wrong time, am I right?
Look, I just... I... I thought that it would feel good, but it... it didn’t.
Decking the other gay guy, yeah, that's perfect, Eric.
Look, I... I'm really sorry.
Look, if it helps, I used this to come out to my mum, okay?
What, she didn't know?
I ju... I... I just thought you had it all figured out.
Yeah, well, you assumed wrong.
And she now thinks you're a gay-basher.
So if you get filthy looks from an Indian lady,
don't take it personally, okay?
S-So this punching you in the face thing
has probably ruined our chances of being together?
Bitch, please.
Pretty boys like me are definitely not your type, okay?
Enjoy suspension, trumpet boy.
What's my type?
Still not your friend.
Aimee? You all right?
I've been wanking all night.
I ate four packets of crumpets
and I think my clit might drop off.
But I know exactly what I want.
That's, er... excellent.
I gotta go find Steve.
Oh, my God.
Wonders never cease.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, Aimee's now calling you the Pleasure Master.
Yeah. That's, er... incorrect.
- Mm-hm. Here you go. - Thanks.
My brother's back in town.
- Yeah? - Mm.
- Is that a good or bad thing? - I don't know, we'll see.
I really liked your essay.
- You haven't read my essay. - No.
But I did hear it.
“We live as we dream, alone.”
- It's very bleak. - Depends on your perspective.
- How did you know it was mine? - Well,
Adam thought As You Like It was a song by Jay-Z.
And only you
could turn the topic of dreams into existential angst.
Pessimists outlive optimists.
We're in for the long haul, then.
That... That trophy should be yours.
Don't give it away next time.
- I'll see you later. - See you later.
- Hey, Miss Sands. - Hey.
What do I have to do for this Aptitude Scheme thing?
I'll find out everything you need. Glad I got through, Maeve.
Come in.
Hello.
Er... We need to talk about...
Adam’s essay.
What about it?
Did it sound like Adam to you?
Are you suggesting I don't know what my own son sounds like?
I am suggesting that someone else wrote it for him.
Miss Sands, can we have this conversation at another time?
- I'm running late for an appointment. - Of course.
- We'll, er... pick it up later. - Hm.
Okay, so, here's what I want.
I want you to rub my clit with your left thumb.
Start slow but get faster, but not too fast.
When I start to shake,
blow on my ear and get ready for fireworks.
I'm on it.
I promise you, she was... she was massive. You wouldn't recognize her.
- Completely... - You didn't used to roll her around!
No, yeah. It was the only way of transporting her.
She couldn't walk.
You couldn't pick her up. She was heavy.
Sean was just telling me how fat you were as a baby.
Remember? Mum used to call you the Michelin Man.
Ha-ha. Yeah, that's funny. Don't you have training?
Yeah, but I skived off. I thought, you know, we could hang out.
Is that cool?
Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.
Ooh, ooh, before you go in there, erm... could you grab us a couple of beers?
No. Jackson doesn't drink when he's training.
Ooh! Is Action Man teetotal?
- Yeah. - Come on, do you ever loosen up?
- Sean... - Oh, come on, it's just a question.
Actually, go on then, one beer won't hurt.
One tasty beer comin' right up.
Come on, then. Aaah!
What do you think of my biceps?
It's the gym, man.