1
00:00:31,170 --> 00:00:32,050
Hello.

2
00:00:33,490 --> 00:00:35,650
Hello! How you doing?

3
00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:37,650
Great.

4
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:38,730
Thank you.

5
00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:39,730
Wow.

6
00:00:41,130 --> 00:00:42,050
Calm down.

7
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,970
Shut the fuck up.

8
00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,970
Thank you. What a lovely welcome.

9
00:00:47,050 --> 00:00:48,970
I'm gonna try my hardest tonight.

10
00:00:49,690 --> 00:00:53,770
You're thinking, "Relax, we've had
our money's worth just seeing you."

11
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,930
What? You're a legend. Shut up!
What is he?

12
00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:00,130
I'm not a god.

13
00:01:01,810 --> 00:01:04,010
I'm just an ordinary guy, you know,

14
00:01:04,090 --> 00:01:05,850
going round talking to people

15
00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:08,050
sort... sort of like Jesus...

16
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,730
in a way... but better.

17
00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:15,170
Well, I've actually turned up. So...

18
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,930
Thank you and welcome
to my new show, <i>Humanity.</i>

19
00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:27,090
I don't know why I called it that.
I'm not a big fan.

20
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,450
I prefer dogs... obviously.

21
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,490
Dogs are better people than people,
aren't they?

22
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,250
They're amazing, dogs.

23
00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:35,930
They're our best friends.

24
00:01:36,010 --> 00:01:37,810
They guard us, they guide us.

25
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,890
There's medical detection dogs

26
00:01:39,970 --> 00:01:41,770
that can smell if you've got...

27
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,210
AIDS.

28
00:01:44,410 --> 00:01:48,130
I'm not a doctor...
but their noses are a thousand times

29
00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:50,050
more sensitive than ours, so they go,

30
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,810
"Cor, you're well HIV! Fuck!" You know?

31
00:01:54,170 --> 00:01:56,810
And you go,
"You can smell AIDS on someone?"

32
00:01:57,530 --> 00:01:58,410
Yeah.

33
00:01:59,490 --> 00:02:01,210
"Why didn't you smell it on the bloke

34
00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,490
I brought home last night,
you fucking idiot?"

35
00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:09,970
They did the first three billion years
 by themselves,

36
00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:11,450
evolution and all that.

37
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:14,490
Then we got involved
and did some selective breeding.

38
00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:17,130
Getting them how we wanted,
to do jobs for us.

39
00:02:17,650 --> 00:02:19,570
Bit stronger, faster, whatever.

40
00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:22,490
They're great at the jobs
they're bred to do.

41
00:02:22,570 --> 00:02:24,570
They love the job they're bred to do.

42
00:02:24,650 --> 00:02:27,250
They're genetically hardwired
to love that behavior.

43
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:31,970
Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback
was bred to hunt lions.

44
00:02:32,450 --> 00:02:36,370
I can't help but think it was
a shock to it when it found out.

45
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:40,410
So we've got all the pedigrees
for miles around.

46
00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:42,050
A big passing-out parade.

47
00:02:42,130 --> 00:02:45,090
There's a bloke with a white coat
and a clipboard.

48
00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:47,330
He goes, "Right, dogs!"
They go, "What?"

49
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,250
"Who wants to know what job they got?"

50
00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:50,650
"We all do. We all do."

51
00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:52,850
"Okay, Labradors."

52
00:02:52,930 --> 00:02:53,850
"Yeah?"

53
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,610
"Do you like carefully bringing back
dead ducks?"

54
00:03:00,410 --> 00:03:01,290
"Yeah?"

55
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,010
"That's your job."

56
00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:05,490
"Amazing. That is amazing.

57
00:03:05,570 --> 00:03:08,130
That is my favorite job.
That is my favorite job."

58
00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:10,090
"Jack Russells?"

59
00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:12,810
-"Yeah?"
-"You like shooting down rabbit holes?"

60
00:03:12,890 --> 00:03:14,690
-"Yeah!"
-"That's your job."

61
00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:17,570
"Fuckin' hell.
Best day ever! Best day ever!"

62
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:21,250
-"Miniature poodles?"
-"Yeah?"

63
00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:24,530
"Do you like being carried around
by elderly homosexuals?"

64
00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:27,970
-"Yeah."
-"That's your job."

65
00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:29,090
That's your job.

66
00:03:33,930 --> 00:03:34,810
"Ridgebacks?"

67
00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:35,810
"Yo!"

68
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,210
"You're hunting lions."

69
00:03:38,410 --> 00:03:39,250
"What?"

70
00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:42,770
"You're hunting lions."

71
00:03:45,010 --> 00:03:46,050
"Fuck off!"

72
00:03:47,690 --> 00:03:49,650
-"Yeah, you are."
-"No, we're not.

73
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:50,730
Look, lions?

74
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:52,610
We'll get fucking mashed!

75
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,250
Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?"

76
00:03:55,850 --> 00:03:57,370
"They're shaking babies."

77
00:03:59,930 --> 00:04:01,010
Good boy!

78
00:04:01,730 --> 00:04:03,970
Good boy! You shake that baby if you want.

79
00:04:04,050 --> 00:04:05,090
Good boy!

80
00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:08,090
Cheers.

81
00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:14,810
This is my first new stand-up
for seven years,

82
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:16,570
if you don't count the Golden Globes.

83
00:04:19,410 --> 00:04:20,530
Which you shouldn't.

84
00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:22,210
The Golden Globes. Very different.

85
00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:23,970
God, a different vibe.

86
00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:25,970
Two hundred million people watching.

87
00:04:26,210 --> 00:04:27,090
And it's live.

88
00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:28,330
Big thrill.

89
00:04:28,410 --> 00:04:30,170
But with that many people watching,

90
00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,530
there's a bit of stick.

91
00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:33,890
Everyone's different,
everyone's a blogger.

92
00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,770
Everyone goes, "I was offended."

93
00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:39,730
-"Why?"
-"He said an horrible thing."

94
00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:41,530
"He said loads of horrible things."

95
00:04:41,610 --> 00:04:44,450
"Yeah, but that was a thing
that I care about."

96
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,850
That's the thing about offense,

97
00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:48,410
it's about personal feelings.

98
00:04:48,490 --> 00:04:50,410
I don't care about the backlash.

99
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,090
"Comedian in hot water."

100
00:04:53,490 --> 00:04:54,410
You know?

101
00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:57,530
My girlfriend, Jane, she worries,
and she reads things.

102
00:04:57,610 --> 00:04:59,010
"What have you said?"

103
00:05:00,090 --> 00:05:00,930
"Don't worry.

104
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,970
They won't come to the house. Fuck 'em."

105
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,450
So I wind her up.

106
00:05:07,530 --> 00:05:09,850
I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things

107
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,050
than I ever would.

108
00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:13,170
I have to make up worse jokes

109
00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,690
than I actually...

110
00:05:16,010 --> 00:05:18,010
Just to scare my girlfriend.

111
00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:22,050
When I do the Golden Globes,
we go out about a week before.

112
00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:23,770
It's in LA. We fly out.

113
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,650
I'm writing jokes
as the ceremony approaches.

114
00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:29,450
They release more presenters.
I take my pick.

115
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,810
"I got a good intro for them. Yeah.

116
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:34,170
Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes."

117
00:05:37,450 --> 00:05:39,690
About three days before this last one,

118
00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:42,650
just to wind Jane up, I said,
"I got a good intro."

119
00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:43,770
She went, "What?"

120
00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:47,490
I said, "Bill Cosby would make
our next presenter sleep on the couch.

121
00:05:48,810 --> 00:05:50,450
Please welcome Helen Mirren!"

122
00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:53,410
I didn't do it.

123
00:05:55,370 --> 00:05:57,770
She said, "You won't do that?"
I said, "No."

124
00:05:58,170 --> 00:05:59,370
Next day, I got her again.

125
00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:01,330
I said, "Is this too much?"

126
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:04,770
I said, "Not even Bill Cosby
carries enough tranquilizer

127
00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:07,130
to bring down
this next magnificent beast.

128
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,930
Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!"

129
00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,530
I didn't do it! I would never...

130
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:18,530
I'd never... tell a joke like that.
It's horrible.

131
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,610
I was just doing it to annoy Jane.

132
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:21,850
I'd never even...

133
00:06:22,770 --> 00:06:24,570
think... of that,

134
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,530
so don't...

135
00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:30,610
Even on the day, on the way
to the red carpet, in the limo,

136
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,490
I said, "I'll start with
a funny one-liner.

137
00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:34,850
An old-fashioned joke."

138
00:06:34,930 --> 00:06:36,530
She went, "What?" I said,

139
00:06:36,610 --> 00:06:40,050
"What did the deaf, dumb and blind
orphan get for Christmas?"

140
00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:41,610
Jane went, "I don't know."

141
00:06:41,690 --> 00:06:42,890
I said, "Cancer."

142
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:50,690
I didn't do it, so...

143
00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:52,890
you're getting offended at a joke

144
00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:54,730
that doesn't exist, so...

145
00:06:55,210 --> 00:06:58,250
I'd never say that in public, so...

146
00:06:59,130 --> 00:07:01,250
To anyone who mattered, anyway.

147
00:07:01,330 --> 00:07:02,170
So, don't...

148
00:07:04,410 --> 00:07:07,650
I didn't have to worry about
offending anyone. It just happens.

149
00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:13,930
The big controversy last time I did it
was a Caitlyn Jenner joke.

150
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:16,290
Outrage on Twitter the next day.

151
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,530
I mean a couple of people going,

152
00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:20,090
"It was transphobic."

153
00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:22,770
It wasn't transphobic in the slightest.

154
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:24,850
It was a joke about a trans person,

155
00:07:24,930 --> 00:07:28,050
but it had nothing to do
with that aspect of her existence.

156
00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:29,850
And that's the other thing
about offense.

157
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:33,530
People mistake the subject of a joke
with the actual target.

158
00:07:33,610 --> 00:07:35,090
They're not necessarily the same.

159
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:37,450
I'll tell you the joke,
you make your minds up.

160
00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:44,890
It's live, so they go,

161
00:07:44,970 --> 00:07:48,330
"Your host for the 68th Annual
Golden Globes Awards,

162
00:07:48,410 --> 00:07:50,010
please welcome Ricky Gervais."

163
00:07:50,090 --> 00:07:52,890
They're all clapping,
the actors are smiling at me.

164
00:07:52,970 --> 00:07:55,010
Nervously. It's brilliant, right?

165
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:57,850
So, I just go,

166
00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:00,530
"Relax, I'm gonna be nice tonight.

167
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,010
I've changed.

168
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,770
Not as much as Bruce Jenner,
obviously."

169
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:15,490
And I go, "Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course."
And what a year she's had.

170
00:08:15,730 --> 00:08:18,170
Became a role model
for trans people everywhere,

171
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:21,770
bravely breaking down barriers
and destroying stereotypes.

172
00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:25,490
She didn't do a lot for women drivers..."

173
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,330
That's a clever joke. I'll tell you why.

174
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:31,290
Right?

175
00:08:32,570 --> 00:08:35,090
It's layered. No, listen, right?

176
00:08:35,170 --> 00:08:38,290
The subject of that joke is stereotypes.

177
00:08:38,370 --> 00:08:41,050
I'm playing with the notion
of stereotypes.

178
00:08:41,130 --> 00:08:43,250
I start by saying she's a real woman,

179
00:08:43,330 --> 00:08:45,290
a liberal, progressive attitude.

180
00:08:45,370 --> 00:08:47,170
Then if she's a real woman,

181
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:49,530
I hit them with
the old-fashioned stereotype.

182
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,050
She must be a bad driver, then. Right?

183
00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:56,170
The target of the joke is a celebrity
killing someone in their car.

184
00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:00,050
Let's not forget that, shall we?

185
00:09:00,610 --> 00:09:04,930
A celebrity killing someone in their car,
running home and popping on a dress.

186
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:05,850
That's...

187
00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:09,690
the target of the joke,
just so we're clear.

188
00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:10,610
Okay?

189
00:09:12,930 --> 00:09:14,730
She was interviewed a week later

190
00:09:14,810 --> 00:09:17,210
at a press conference for a show of hers.

191
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,450
Now cancelled.

192
00:09:18,530 --> 00:09:19,570
And...

193
00:09:21,050 --> 00:09:24,570
one of the press said, "What do you
think of the Ricky Gervais joke?"

194
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:27,610
She went, "Maybe I should host
the Golden Globes."

195
00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:30,610
And they tweeted that and @-ed me in,

196
00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,810
because they want a celebrity feud.

197
00:09:32,890 --> 00:09:35,890
It was clickbait. I rose to the bait.

198
00:09:35,970 --> 00:09:36,810
Obviously...

199
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,250
I just sent back,

200
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,810
"Let her host. Just don't let her drive."

201
00:09:50,770 --> 00:09:54,250
Another website that was in the room,
Entertainment Weekly,

202
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:57,850
they tweeted a different headline,
and they @-ed me in.

203
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:02,090
Their headline was "Caitlyn finally
breaks silence over Ricky Gervais."

204
00:10:02,170 --> 00:10:05,530
I just sent back:
"At last. She always brakes too late."

205
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:09,530
Bring it on.

206
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:10,650
Bring it on.

207
00:10:14,690 --> 00:10:17,850
But I'm a considered comedian.
I like my jokes to be accurate

208
00:10:17,930 --> 00:10:19,530
and my targets to be fair.

209
00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:21,810
So I was engaging these people, saying,

210
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:25,370
"Why is it transphobic?"
They said, "It's about a trans person."

211
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:26,450
That's ridiculous.

212
00:10:26,530 --> 00:10:29,930
That's like saying a joke about Bill Cosby
is automatically racist.

213
00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:32,290
It depends on the joke.
But I'm willing to learn.

214
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:35,850
I found out my crime was
that I dead-named her.

215
00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:38,090
I'd never heard that term

216
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:40,290
before a day after the Golden Globes.

217
00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,930
And that was saying her old name,

218
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,570
and even acknowledging she used
to be a man.

219
00:10:46,290 --> 00:10:47,290
But she did!

220
00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:56,250
I saw him on the Olympic Games!

221
00:10:57,770 --> 00:10:59,970
He was a decathlete, he was in everything!

222
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:03,370
All over the place!
Shot put and pole vault.

223
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:06,090
He won a medal! He was famous!

224
00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:08,690
He was on telly all the time, you know?

225
00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:11,810
A big... famous... man.

226
00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:14,290
With a huge... I don't know. I'm guessing.

227
00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:15,690
Probably. He was big.

228
00:11:15,770 --> 00:11:17,450
But I've learnt my lesson.

229
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:20,850
Now I know it's wrong.
I'd never dead-name her now.

230
00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:22,690
But, years ago,

231
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:25,770
when she was a... man...

232
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:28,330
Years ago, I'm saying.

233
00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:29,970
And she went to the... doctor...

234
00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:32,450
and... knocked on the door.

235
00:11:32,530 --> 00:11:34,210
The doctor went, "Come in!"

236
00:11:34,290 --> 00:11:35,490
This is <i>years</i> ago.

237
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,410
I'd never dead-name her now,
but this is like...

238
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,650
a flashback before anyone...
You know what... so...

239
00:11:41,730 --> 00:11:43,170
so, like, "Come in!"

240
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:46,930
And he went, "Hello, Bruce Jenner."
Because that...

241
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,010
that was his name... then.

242
00:11:49,090 --> 00:11:51,050
The doctor-- This was years ago...

243
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:54,850
The doctor went, "All right, Bruce Jenner,
how you doing, you fucker?

244
00:11:56,210 --> 00:11:57,290
You big old lunk.

245
00:11:57,370 --> 00:11:58,290
How you doing?

246
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:00,890
Come here, you, you fucker.

247
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:04,250
How you doing, Brucie boy?"

248
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:08,930
And Bruce Jenner-- That was his name.
This is years ago.

249
00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:10,290
Right? So...

250
00:12:11,210 --> 00:12:13,970
Bruce Jenner went, "Yeah.
Yeah, not too bad, Doctor. Yeah."

251
00:12:16,210 --> 00:12:19,890
"What can I do for you, Bruce,
you fucker? How you doing, boy?"

252
00:12:19,970 --> 00:12:21,130
And Bruce Jenner went--

253
00:12:21,210 --> 00:12:23,410
That was his name.
Bruce Jenner went...

254
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,290
"Look at that."

255
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,090
The doctor went, "Come on,
Bruce Jenner, you know the rules."

256
00:12:29,170 --> 00:12:32,410
He uses his whole name every time,
for some reason...

257
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:37,210
"Come on, Bruce Jenner, you fucker.
You know the rules.

258
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,450
You can't bring your big old
pole vaulting pole in here, mate."

259
00:12:41,450 --> 00:12:43,450
Bruce Jenner went, "No, that's
not my pole,

260
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,050
that's my enormous penis."

261
00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:49,130
"Well, seeing as it's your penis,
you can bring it in here.

262
00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:51,770
But you should have left your shot puts
outside."

263
00:12:53,530 --> 00:12:55,370
And Bruce Jenner went...

264
00:12:55,450 --> 00:12:57,050
That was his name for...

265
00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,730
fifty-eight years, I think.

266
00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:08,130
He went, "No, they're not my shot puts,
Doctor,

267
00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:09,850
they're my enormous testicles."

268
00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:15,410
That's where I keep my testosterone,
and my spunk, and shit, right?

269
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:17,890
And the doctor went, "Oh yeah.

270
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,130
That makes perfect--

271
00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,690
I'm a medical man. You're a big bloke.

272
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,210
You fucker. How you doing, boy?
You're a big...

273
00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:27,370
You're big,
and you would have a big old...

274
00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:29,530
cock and... balls.

275
00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:30,730
They're beautiful."

276
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,250
Bit familiar, innit?

277
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:35,050
"No, you must be very proud of them,
Bruce."

278
00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:38,410
Bruce went,
"This is going to surprise you, Doctor.

279
00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,490
I wanna get rid of them."

280
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,890
And the doctor went, "What? Why?"

281
00:13:42,970 --> 00:13:45,930
"Oh, they get in the way."
"In the way of what?"

282
00:13:46,010 --> 00:13:48,010
"Fucking driving, for one thing!"

283
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:58,250
So, I'm engaging these people,
and I'm saying,

284
00:13:58,330 --> 00:13:59,930
"But I had to say her old name.

285
00:14:00,010 --> 00:14:02,250
That's the joke. I say, "I've changed.

286
00:14:02,330 --> 00:14:03,730
Not as much as Bruce Jenner."

287
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,690
Then I do the joke." But, no.

288
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:08,530
This is my second crime.
I say, she hasn't changed.

289
00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:11,290
She's always identified as a woman.

290
00:14:11,370 --> 00:14:12,770
That means she's a woman.

291
00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:14,210
Fine, if that's the rules.

292
00:14:14,290 --> 00:14:16,290
If you feel you're a woman, you are.

293
00:14:16,370 --> 00:14:18,450
I'm not a bigot who thinks

294
00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:20,890
having all that done
is science going too far.

295
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:24,130
In fact,
I don't think it's going far enough.

296
00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,810
Cause I've always identified as a chimp,
right?

297
00:14:27,890 --> 00:14:28,970
Well, I am a chimp.

298
00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:30,850
If I say I'm a chimp, I am a chimp.

299
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,250
Pre-op.

300
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,490
But...

301
00:14:34,890 --> 00:14:36,250
Don't ever dead-name me.

302
00:14:36,330 --> 00:14:38,250
Don't call me Ricky Gervais again.

303
00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:40,050
From now on, you call me Bobo.

304
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,690
I'm gonna have species realignment.

305
00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:45,330
I'm halfway there.

306
00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:47,970
I'm short, with short legs and long arms.

307
00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:50,850
I stoop.
My back's getting hairier by the day.

308
00:14:50,930 --> 00:14:52,690
I've got fangs, like that.

309
00:14:52,770 --> 00:14:54,930
I love nuts. I love nuts.

310
00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:57,930
Once, I was at the zoo,
and people were looking at me,

311
00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,970
so I just started masturbating, like...

312
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:02,770
So...

313
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,370
I am a chimp, right?

314
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,570
I am a chimp if I say I'm a chimp.

315
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:11,330
I've got to live as a chimp for a year.

316
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,290
Then have hormones,
get me all nice and hairy.

317
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:14,650
That'd be lovely.

318
00:15:14,730 --> 00:15:18,330
I'm gonna stay a male chimp...
so I can keep all that, right?

319
00:15:18,410 --> 00:15:19,850
Male, heterosexual chimp.

320
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:21,610
Keep the same girlfriend.

321
00:15:21,690 --> 00:15:23,970
Jane would be happy. She loves me,

322
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:26,450
she loves chimps, so... You know.

323
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:29,650
I reckon that's got to be easier

324
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,850
for a man to turn into a chimp,

325
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,530
we're so close, than for a man

326
00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:35,690
to turn into a woman, in many ways.

327
00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:38,210
A bit of hair, and a top lip like that,

328
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:41,130
as opposed to your cock and balls
ripped off...

329
00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:43,530
and a hole gouged out, into--

330
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:44,730
I'm not a doctor!

331
00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,050
But that is...

332
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:48,690
the gist of it.

333
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:50,930
I know which one I'd rather have done.

334
00:15:51,010 --> 00:15:54,130
I'm not saying chimps are better
than women. No way.

335
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,810
Right? Any ladies here?

336
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,450
I can't see you, but, to me,

337
00:15:59,530 --> 00:16:02,050
every single one of you is equal...

338
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:03,730
to a chimp. So...

339
00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:09,530
So, I'd have all that done, hair and that.

340
00:16:09,610 --> 00:16:11,250
I'd do all that, all the...

341
00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:15,930
I'll retain the ability to speak English.

342
00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:19,370
Like in emergencies. I'm talking to Jane,
she's going, "What is it?"

343
00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:22,530
"What is it, Bobo?"

344
00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:24,850
"You left the fucking oven on!
There's a fire!"

345
00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:31,930
Are you saying that if Caitlyn Jenner
was being chased by a wolf,

346
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:34,650
and there was a big fence
but she had a long pole,

347
00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:37,170
she'd... revert.

348
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,730
She'd be over that fucking...

349
00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:40,570
Easy.

350
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,810
So I'd have all that done. Top lip.

351
00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:48,250
Doing all that. Right?

352
00:16:48,330 --> 00:16:49,850
I'll be legally a chimp.

353
00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:52,330
I'll be well... properly chimped-up.

354
00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:54,010
I'll be able to use chimp toilets!

355
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:58,490
I'll be walking along,
holding Jane's hand. "Come on, Bobo."

356
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:02,930
Right? We don't hold hands now.

357
00:17:03,010 --> 00:17:05,530
I don't know why she's all over me
now I'm a chimp.

358
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,290
But we'll be all in love.
Maybe matching jumpers.

359
00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,930
"Come on, Bobo." In love. Just two...
Like that.

360
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:17,050
Then, if a bigot in a van slows down
and goes,

361
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:18,570
"That's fucking disgusting."

362
00:17:18,970 --> 00:17:21,130
I'll fling shit at him and run up a tree.

363
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:25,650
And that's why that joke
isn't transphobic. So...

364
00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:28,690
Cheers.

365
00:17:34,410 --> 00:17:35,570
So, humanity.

366
00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:37,170
What is humanity?

367
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:38,450
What are we?

368
00:17:38,530 --> 00:17:40,570
Well, we've touched upon it there.

369
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:41,970
We're great apes.

370
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:45,210
Not metaphorically!
We're literally great apes.

371
00:17:45,290 --> 00:17:49,210
We are 98.6% genetically identical
to a chimpanzee.

372
00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:51,850
We're closer to chimps
than chimps are to gorillas.

373
00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:54,650
We left our common ancestor
about six million years ago.

374
00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:56,890
We have the same life cycle.

375
00:17:56,970 --> 00:17:59,290
Same as any other animal. Which is...

376
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,210
our parents mate...

377
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:02,570
we're born...

378
00:18:02,650 --> 00:18:03,770
we grow...

379
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,090
we mate...

380
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:06,370
our parents die...

381
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,530
our friends die...

382
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:10,810
and then we die.

383
00:18:13,370 --> 00:18:14,210
Now...

384
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:17,130
my seven-year-old niece
didn't like hearing that.

385
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:21,130
But I said, "You've gotta learn.
Stop crying."

386
00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:23,450
I said, "You're seven.

387
00:18:23,530 --> 00:18:25,210
You know... today.

388
00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:26,690
So...

389
00:18:32,730 --> 00:18:35,970
Any more grizzling
and this party's cancelled, so..."

390
00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:39,730
Let's take the first of those. Birth.

391
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:43,050
It's odd, because a human is born
before the end

392
00:18:43,130 --> 00:18:44,610
of its natural gestation period.

393
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,970
I mean, because of our evolution,

394
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:48,490
our brain is so big,

395
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:50,770
we have to get that huge head out early.

396
00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:53,610
That's why the skull
is in parts and supple.

397
00:18:53,690 --> 00:18:57,810
Then we go on gestating outside the womb.
That's why we're so useless.

398
00:18:57,890 --> 00:18:59,170
Look at other mammals.

399
00:18:59,250 --> 00:19:01,010
A giraffe is walking along.

400
00:19:01,090 --> 00:19:03,890
It goes, "I'm proper pregnant."
Right?

401
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:07,370
I'm gonna have a baby giraffe right here.

402
00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:09,970
Yeah, there it is.

403
00:19:11,330 --> 00:19:12,250
See you later.

404
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:15,730
And the baby goes,

405
00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:18,130
"Mum!" It's got to be fucking ready.

406
00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:20,210
We're... we're helpless, right?

407
00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:24,290
Just think, nine months we're growing
in this perfect environment.

408
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:26,610
Everything's...

409
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:31,890
It's like being
in a little Kate Bush video, right?

410
00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:36,850
Then, suddenly, you're being squeezed
out of an hole near an ass.

411
00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:40,130
You're covered in shit, there's screaming.

412
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:43,170
You go, "I can't breathe." Someone goes,
"Yes, you fucking can!"

413
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,930
The first one second of life on Earth.

414
00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:48,490
You don't know where you are.

415
00:19:48,570 --> 00:19:50,170
You can't choose where you're born.

416
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:53,090
I was born in Whitley Estate
in Reading, right?

417
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:55,650
I wouldn't have chosen that.

418
00:19:59,530 --> 00:20:02,370
I'd have chosen Hampstead.
I did choose Hampstead.

419
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,810
It just took 45 years to be able
to afford it.

420
00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:07,250
Very different. Very different,

421
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:09,690
my upbringing to how I live now.

422
00:20:09,770 --> 00:20:11,250
Now I live a privileged life.

423
00:20:11,330 --> 00:20:13,810
Hampstead is ridiculous.
It's a rarefied place.

424
00:20:13,890 --> 00:20:17,690
It's like the grandchildren
of poets and painters

425
00:20:17,770 --> 00:20:19,730
and me, new money, right?

426
00:20:19,810 --> 00:20:22,170
But, growing up, it was tough!

427
00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:26,050
I don't know about now, but in my day,
my estate was rough and scary.

428
00:20:26,130 --> 00:20:27,570
It felt like wildlife.

429
00:20:27,650 --> 00:20:29,450
I was weak and vulnerable.

430
00:20:29,530 --> 00:20:31,650
There was danger round every corner.

431
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,970
My school was on my street
and I ran there every day,

432
00:20:35,050 --> 00:20:37,010
so I didn't get mugged or molested.

433
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:40,850
There weren't many pedophiles in Reading,
the murderers had killed a lot.

434
00:20:40,930 --> 00:20:42,970
But there was still a couple.

435
00:20:43,970 --> 00:20:47,490
I moved to Hampstead. Oh my god!
There's no crime!

436
00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:49,490
I saw a knife once in Hampstead.

437
00:20:49,570 --> 00:20:50,930
It was a palette knife.

438
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:54,890
Just a bloke, oil painting,
in the middle of the street.

439
00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:58,730
Broad daylight, no-one gobbing on it
or calling him "bender". It was weird!

440
00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:05,370
I know my life has changed drastically,

441
00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:06,690
It wasn't always like that.

442
00:21:06,770 --> 00:21:10,130
As a famous person,
you read about yourself.

443
00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:12,890
Gossip and Twitter and everything.

444
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:16,490
One thing kept cropping up,
even as I prepared for this tour.

445
00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:18,850
People kept saying,
"He's out of touch.

446
00:21:18,930 --> 00:21:21,730
He's so famous. He's rich.
He's mega-rich."

447
00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,410
I am. Right?

448
00:21:25,810 --> 00:21:28,170
I could have this place burnt down
for a laugh.

449
00:21:33,370 --> 00:21:37,050
No, but they say things like,
"He's an observational comedian.

450
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,210
How can he say things that relate
to ordinary...

451
00:21:40,290 --> 00:21:41,250
scum."

452
00:21:41,330 --> 00:21:42,410
And I say..

453
00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:46,210
I say, "Don't call them scum, right?"

454
00:21:46,970 --> 00:21:50,250
But even the papers, they try and...
get around to it.

455
00:21:50,330 --> 00:21:52,530
I do interviews and they'll always say,

456
00:21:53,410 --> 00:21:55,050
"Do you always fly first class?"

457
00:21:55,130 --> 00:21:58,330
I go, "No. Often private." Right?

458
00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:03,170
The number of times I've answered
this question. They say,

459
00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:04,890
"Do you know how much a pint of milk is?"

460
00:22:05,290 --> 00:22:07,170
To make you look out of touch.

461
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,290
I don't know, but that's irrelevant.

462
00:22:09,890 --> 00:22:12,490
Next time a journalist asks me,
I'll say, "I don't know.

463
00:22:12,570 --> 00:22:14,570
But here's a grand. Run and get me one."

464
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:19,530
Is that enough? That enough? Yeah.

465
00:22:23,090 --> 00:22:24,810
Another question I always get,

466
00:22:24,890 --> 00:22:28,330
particularly with the posh Sundays,
doing a profile piece.

467
00:22:28,410 --> 00:22:31,930
They're still trying to alienate you,
make you look different.

468
00:22:32,010 --> 00:22:33,370
They say things like,

469
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:35,810
"You don't have children." I say, "No."

470
00:22:35,890 --> 00:22:37,570
"Why don't you have children?"

471
00:22:37,650 --> 00:22:39,250
Which is an odd question.

472
00:22:39,330 --> 00:22:40,810
Why don't you have children?

473
00:22:40,890 --> 00:22:43,890
As opposed to asking people,
"Why do you have children?"

474
00:22:44,770 --> 00:22:48,530
Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings
why she's had eight, shall we?

475
00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:53,170
Nine! That one just fell out.

476
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,530
That one didn't even touch the sides.

477
00:22:56,610 --> 00:22:59,530
Or... disturb her cigarette.
That one just...

478
00:23:01,490 --> 00:23:02,850
Go and claim for that.

479
00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:10,610
People say it's selfish
to not have children.

480
00:23:10,690 --> 00:23:13,570
How is it selfish to not bring a life
into the world

481
00:23:13,650 --> 00:23:15,490
that doesn't exist on any level?

482
00:23:15,570 --> 00:23:19,210
There's not a cabinet full of potential
ghost fetuses going,

483
00:23:19,290 --> 00:23:21,170
"We want to be born!" Right?

484
00:23:23,690 --> 00:23:27,410
But I've thought about it and there's
three reasons I don't have children.

485
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:30,090
Three main reasons and I'll share them
with you.

486
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:31,890
Three reasons.

487
00:23:31,970 --> 00:23:34,370
One. There's millions!

488
00:23:35,450 --> 00:23:39,090
The world's over-populated.
No-one's going, "Rick's not having kids.

489
00:23:39,170 --> 00:23:40,850
We're gonna run out. Fuck."

490
00:23:42,970 --> 00:23:46,330
Two. Kids are scroungers. Aren't they?

491
00:23:46,410 --> 00:23:49,890
I mean, from day one,
it's all "me, me, me", isn't it?

492
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:51,370
"Feed me."

493
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,090
"Clothe me."

494
00:23:53,810 --> 00:23:55,690
"Pay for my chemotherapy."

495
00:23:56,650 --> 00:23:57,690
No...

496
00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:04,210
No.

497
00:24:05,050 --> 00:24:07,290
Not my problem, son. Not mine.

498
00:24:09,570 --> 00:24:11,610
Luck of the draw, boy. Luck of the draw.

499
00:24:15,570 --> 00:24:20,090
It costs the average household
in the West $200,000 to bring up a child.

500
00:24:20,170 --> 00:24:22,050
And they don't want to pay you back.

501
00:24:22,130 --> 00:24:23,410
They're not grateful.

502
00:24:23,490 --> 00:24:26,330
They don't go, "Thanks for having me."
It's "I didn't wanna be born."

503
00:24:27,050 --> 00:24:29,290
Even if they get a top job,
which they won't,

504
00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:33,330
you'll never see that money back.

505
00:24:33,410 --> 00:24:35,530
They'll just put you in a home, okay?

506
00:24:35,610 --> 00:24:36,890
And my kid,

507
00:24:36,970 --> 00:24:40,610
he'd be born into ridiculous wealth,
wouldn't he? So...

508
00:24:43,610 --> 00:24:45,250
He'd be a little cunt.

509
00:24:53,290 --> 00:24:55,170
A little Hampstead cunt...

510
00:24:56,050 --> 00:24:59,210
running around with all the other
fucking little Hampstead cunts,

511
00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:01,210
being all Hampstead and cunty.

512
00:25:01,290 --> 00:25:03,730
"I'm a little Hampstead cunt."
Yes, I know.

513
00:25:03,810 --> 00:25:06,450
"These are my cunty friends."
I know, it's obvious.

514
00:25:06,530 --> 00:25:08,890
I can tell
from your little fucking cunty hats

515
00:25:08,970 --> 00:25:12,690
that you're little Hampstead cunts,
you little posh Hampstead...

516
00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:15,330
First, he'd know
he was a little Hampstead cunt.

517
00:25:15,410 --> 00:25:17,130
"I'm a little..." Yes, we know.

518
00:25:17,210 --> 00:25:18,650
Everyone knows, right?

519
00:25:18,730 --> 00:25:20,250
He'd know that, right?

520
00:25:20,330 --> 00:25:24,410
On the other hand, he'd know he'd never
live up to being as brilliant as his dad.

521
00:25:25,370 --> 00:25:27,890
I'd say, "I worked my way up from nothing,

522
00:25:27,970 --> 00:25:30,290
and you're just a useless Hampstead cunt."

523
00:25:30,370 --> 00:25:34,690
He'd go, "Yeah." And that would
probably prey on his little mind a bit.

524
00:25:34,770 --> 00:25:38,450
Eleven, twelve, he'd be naughty,
run with the wrong crowd,

525
00:25:38,530 --> 00:25:40,610
try and get out from under my shadow.

526
00:25:40,690 --> 00:25:43,650
Then he'd turn to drugs.
About 30, he'd come home,

527
00:25:43,730 --> 00:25:45,330
and overdose on my Afghan rug.

528
00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:47,810
Twenty grand, that was, right?

529
00:25:48,770 --> 00:25:51,010
And as he was there, convulsing,

530
00:25:51,130 --> 00:25:53,770
and throwing up his fucking lungs, right,

531
00:25:53,850 --> 00:25:58,130
and with his little posh, high-pitched,
fucking death rattle...

532
00:25:59,450 --> 00:26:01,730
his little fucking dying words,

533
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,130
he'd go, "Do you love me now, Daddy?"

534
00:26:04,210 --> 00:26:05,050
No!

535
00:26:05,610 --> 00:26:06,450
No.

536
00:26:07,370 --> 00:26:10,410
No, I never did.
That's why you'll never be born,

537
00:26:10,490 --> 00:26:12,850
you useless, fucking junkie,
Hampstead cunt.

538
00:26:24,610 --> 00:26:25,850
And, three...

539
00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:31,290
I'd worry sick about him. You know?

540
00:26:32,290 --> 00:26:35,650
No I would! I've only got a cat now
and I worry sick about her.

541
00:26:35,810 --> 00:26:39,690
I check the door three times
when I go out, so she doesn't escape.

542
00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:44,050
I put food and water in every room
in case the door shuts and she's peckish.

543
00:26:45,370 --> 00:26:47,090
A human baby? Oh my god,

544
00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:49,330
the responsibility of a human life?

545
00:26:49,410 --> 00:26:51,530
I'd watch it sleep. You know?

546
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:54,690
We said how weak and vulnerable
they are.

547
00:26:54,770 --> 00:26:56,850
Oh, my god! You perfect little thing.

548
00:26:56,930 --> 00:26:59,130
Oh, you flesh of my flesh.

549
00:26:59,210 --> 00:27:02,530
Now, go to sleep in your expensive cot,
like that.

550
00:27:04,730 --> 00:27:06,210
Night, night. Sleep tight.

551
00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:08,210
Don't let the bedbugs...

552
00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:09,970
Dead.

553
00:27:16,930 --> 00:27:17,770
Yeah.

554
00:27:18,690 --> 00:27:19,570
Just...

555
00:27:21,450 --> 00:27:23,810
Why? Why is it dead?

556
00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:26,050
It's just fucking dead, look!

557
00:27:31,130 --> 00:27:32,210
Fuck's sake!

558
00:27:37,610 --> 00:27:38,610
Fucking hell.

559
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:42,770
What the...
What a fucking waste of time that was!

560
00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:45,890
Fuck's sake.

561
00:27:48,090 --> 00:27:49,690
Embarrassing. "Jane?"

562
00:27:52,290 --> 00:27:53,690
-"What?"
-"Come here."

563
00:27:53,770 --> 00:27:55,650
-"I'm in the shower."
-"Come here."

564
00:27:55,730 --> 00:27:56,610
"What?"

565
00:27:57,290 --> 00:27:58,530
"Fucking dead already.

566
00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:00,250
I didn't... Just fucking...

567
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:02,370
Fucking hell, Jane.

568
00:28:03,170 --> 00:28:05,130
You call that a baby? That is..."

569
00:28:09,090 --> 00:28:11,890
If Jane was out, I'd have to text her,
wouldn't I?

570
00:28:13,170 --> 00:28:14,250
What could you...

571
00:28:15,050 --> 00:28:16,050
"Baby's dead."

572
00:28:17,650 --> 00:28:19,650
She'd come back. "What the fuck?"

573
00:28:20,410 --> 00:28:21,650
I'd go, "Yep...

574
00:28:22,730 --> 00:28:24,330
Forget the Pampers. LOL."

575
00:28:32,250 --> 00:28:35,410
But even if it made it through
the terrifying cot years,

576
00:28:35,810 --> 00:28:37,690
and it was a toddler running around

577
00:28:37,770 --> 00:28:41,170
head height to my antique tables,
with their sharp edges.

578
00:28:41,250 --> 00:28:44,890
I'd have to pad them so it didn't
run into it, cave its head in and die.

579
00:28:45,010 --> 00:28:47,170
Then Social Services come round and say,

580
00:28:47,250 --> 00:28:48,930
"Is this your child, Mr. Gervais?"

581
00:28:49,010 --> 00:28:50,570
-"Yeah."
-"What happened here, then?"

582
00:28:50,650 --> 00:28:52,370
I go, "It's a fucking idiot."

583
00:28:55,770 --> 00:28:57,570
I did think of adopting for a while.

584
00:28:57,650 --> 00:28:59,330
A little third world child.

585
00:28:59,410 --> 00:29:01,570
Because that would tick all three boxes.

586
00:29:02,730 --> 00:29:06,050
One, I wouldn't be
adding to the population problem.

587
00:29:06,130 --> 00:29:08,090
I'd be alleviating an existing problem.

588
00:29:08,170 --> 00:29:10,770
A young kid born, through no fault
of his own,

589
00:29:10,850 --> 00:29:13,130
into abject poverty, he would have died,

590
00:29:13,210 --> 00:29:15,170
I can literally save his life,

591
00:29:15,250 --> 00:29:17,210
and give him a great upbringing.

592
00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:18,490
Right? Two.

593
00:29:18,570 --> 00:29:20,530
He would be grateful, wouldn't he?

594
00:29:20,610 --> 00:29:22,890
He'd wanna pay me back, woudn't he?

595
00:29:22,970 --> 00:29:27,410
Particularly if I let him know the other
kids in the village weren't so lucky.

596
00:29:27,490 --> 00:29:30,970
They didn't... They didn't make it out.
Right?

597
00:29:32,090 --> 00:29:33,490
I'd tell him that early on,

598
00:29:33,570 --> 00:29:35,530
so he really bucked his ideas up.

599
00:29:36,330 --> 00:29:38,890
I'd go, "Tunde, come here.

600
00:29:40,370 --> 00:29:41,290
Come here.

601
00:29:41,370 --> 00:29:42,450
Yeah, yeah.

602
00:29:43,930 --> 00:29:46,530
Go and pop a shirt on,
you're not in Africa now.

603
00:29:50,250 --> 00:29:51,650
That's better. Yeah.

604
00:29:51,730 --> 00:29:55,850
Tunde, look-- Yeah!
Water straight out of a tap, innit? Yes!

605
00:29:56,730 --> 00:29:57,570
Yeah.

606
00:29:57,650 --> 00:29:58,490
Yeah!

607
00:29:58,570 --> 00:30:01,690
No, it's not free.
It's Hampstead, you know, but...

608
00:30:01,770 --> 00:30:03,450
Yeah, course it's safe.

609
00:30:03,530 --> 00:30:05,610
Safe, fresh drinking water.

610
00:30:05,690 --> 00:30:08,450
Have as much as you want.
Have a bucket full.

611
00:30:08,530 --> 00:30:10,330
Fresh drinking water. There you go.

612
00:30:10,410 --> 00:30:12,290
Go and clean the car. Go on."

613
00:30:17,690 --> 00:30:18,930
No, I'd go, "Look.

614
00:30:19,010 --> 00:30:22,410
Remember all your friends
in the village back in Africa?

615
00:30:22,490 --> 00:30:23,410
They're all dead.

616
00:30:25,290 --> 00:30:27,810
A rich man didn't save them
and bring them to Hampstead.

617
00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:30,450
-Do you wanna pay me back?"
-"Yeah."

618
00:30:30,530 --> 00:30:32,050
"Yeah, I bet you do."

619
00:30:33,050 --> 00:30:34,650
The good thing about them is,

620
00:30:34,730 --> 00:30:37,730
they can start work
when they're about... six.

621
00:30:39,490 --> 00:30:41,490
I just call up Nike and I go...

622
00:30:43,050 --> 00:30:45,930
"Do you still make your stuff
in sweatshops?

623
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:48,450
Got a great little worker here, yeah.

624
00:30:48,530 --> 00:30:50,970
Pound a day's fine.
He's gotta start somewhere.

625
00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:53,010
And, three...

626
00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:56,570
if he ran round and caved his head in...
and died,

627
00:30:56,650 --> 00:31:00,690
and Social Services came round and said,
"Is this your child, Mr Gervais?"

628
00:31:00,770 --> 00:31:02,770
I'd go, "Does it look like mine?"

629
00:31:06,290 --> 00:31:07,170
I'd go...

630
00:31:08,130 --> 00:31:10,530
"This is Hampstead.
It's obviously broken in."

631
00:31:17,490 --> 00:31:19,050
That's why I don't have kids.

632
00:31:21,690 --> 00:31:23,610
Even though I don't have children
of my own,

633
00:31:24,330 --> 00:31:27,290
people still show me photos of theirs,
like I give a shit.

634
00:31:27,930 --> 00:31:29,690
I don't mean my own family.

635
00:31:29,770 --> 00:31:30,770
They've given up.

636
00:31:30,850 --> 00:31:33,730
I've got older brothers and sisters.
They've had loads of kids.

637
00:31:33,810 --> 00:31:36,810
And their kids have kids,
and then their kids!

638
00:31:36,890 --> 00:31:37,930
There's about 50.

639
00:31:38,010 --> 00:31:40,530
I don't know all their names.
I see them at Christmas.

640
00:31:41,610 --> 00:31:44,010
It's all "Uncle Ricky!"
They know I've got a bit of cash.

641
00:31:44,930 --> 00:31:47,130
They go through my pockets,
and then fuck off.

642
00:31:47,250 --> 00:31:49,610
It's like being mugged by mice, right?

643
00:31:50,410 --> 00:31:52,490
I don't mean them, I mean strangers.

644
00:31:52,570 --> 00:31:54,810
I could be busy, I could be working,

645
00:31:54,890 --> 00:31:58,090
like on the set of a TV or film
or something,

646
00:31:58,170 --> 00:32:00,450
stressed, producing or directing it.

647
00:32:00,530 --> 00:32:02,650
You get someone who's in for one day,

648
00:32:02,730 --> 00:32:04,530
with one line, or a stuntman,

649
00:32:04,610 --> 00:32:06,130
they introduce themselves.

650
00:32:06,210 --> 00:32:08,810
"Good. Be with you in a minute."
Then they hover.

651
00:32:09,530 --> 00:32:12,770
-"Busy?"
-I go, "Yeah! Yes. Yeah."

652
00:32:12,850 --> 00:32:14,890
They go, "Working the weekend?"

653
00:32:14,970 --> 00:32:17,810
I go, "Not filming,
but I'll be in the edit."

654
00:32:17,890 --> 00:32:20,370
"I'm taking my youngest
to ballet lessons."

655
00:32:20,450 --> 00:32:21,930
"Ah. Great.

656
00:32:22,010 --> 00:32:22,850
Great."

657
00:32:23,410 --> 00:32:24,850
"Yeah, she's eight."

658
00:32:28,530 --> 00:32:29,890
"I've got a photograph."

659
00:32:29,970 --> 00:32:32,970
I go, "You know what?
Show me it if she goes missing.

660
00:32:38,730 --> 00:32:40,570
I'll keep an eye open in the woods."

661
00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:53,570
You've gotta go through
the whole polite rigmarole, and go,

662
00:32:55,770 --> 00:32:56,970
"She's beautiful."

663
00:32:58,970 --> 00:33:01,970
It's gotta be long. Too short,
it's awkward. They know.

664
00:33:02,050 --> 00:33:03,570
You go, "Yeah, right."

665
00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:05,650
Too long and it's like,

666
00:33:16,770 --> 00:33:17,730
"She's...

667
00:33:18,450 --> 00:33:20,050
She's fucking beautiful."

668
00:33:20,570 --> 00:33:22,890
It's a minefield, innit?

669
00:33:23,370 --> 00:33:24,210
So...

670
00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,010
I'm not out of touch. But I am spoiled.

671
00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:37,330
There's a difference.
I didn't have any money until I was 40.

672
00:33:37,410 --> 00:33:39,490
I've got the same family, friends
and values.

673
00:33:39,570 --> 00:33:40,810
But I am spoiled.

674
00:33:40,890 --> 00:33:44,050
Because opportunity and privilege
spoils you.

675
00:33:44,130 --> 00:33:47,090
And it doesn't take much.
I'l give you an example.

676
00:33:47,170 --> 00:33:49,210
When I first made it in America,

677
00:33:49,290 --> 00:33:50,450
the next time we flew,

678
00:33:50,530 --> 00:33:52,770
we're met by a bloke in a suit
and a thing.

679
00:33:52,850 --> 00:33:54,930
And he just walked us past the queue

680
00:33:55,010 --> 00:33:57,010
and straight out the other side.

681
00:33:57,090 --> 00:33:59,050
The first time, you're horrified.

682
00:33:59,130 --> 00:34:02,610
"Everyone's looking."
Pretending to be late, baseball cap.

683
00:34:02,690 --> 00:34:03,530
Oh, god.

684
00:34:03,610 --> 00:34:06,490
Next time we flew, I went,
"Where's that bloke?

685
00:34:06,570 --> 00:34:07,770
I'm not queueing!"

686
00:34:08,250 --> 00:34:09,530
It's quick!

687
00:34:10,410 --> 00:34:12,930
When I fly to the States, I've got
a place there,

688
00:34:13,010 --> 00:34:14,290
but I'm always working.

689
00:34:14,370 --> 00:34:16,130
So, someone else is paying.

690
00:34:16,210 --> 00:34:18,130
So, I go first class. BA.

691
00:34:18,210 --> 00:34:19,690
It doesn't get any better.

692
00:34:19,770 --> 00:34:22,530
Even if I was paying,
I'd still go first class,

693
00:34:22,610 --> 00:34:25,170
but Jane would probably be in coach...

694
00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:27,970
It's ten grand a pop!

695
00:34:28,050 --> 00:34:31,450
That new <i>Planet of the Apes</i> movie's on.
She'll love that.

696
00:34:31,530 --> 00:34:32,970
She'll be up for that.

697
00:34:35,330 --> 00:34:36,850
But when someone else is paying,

698
00:34:36,930 --> 00:34:38,890
I say,
"Jane, get up here with me." Right?

699
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,410
Front two seats...

700
00:34:41,490 --> 00:34:43,010
They board us early.

701
00:34:43,090 --> 00:34:46,410
We're on the plane
about 15 minutes before anyone else. God.

702
00:34:46,490 --> 00:34:50,930
They bring round these snacks,
these warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl.

703
00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:53,810
Champagne. It's great.
It's like a day off.

704
00:34:53,890 --> 00:34:57,450
No phone or anything. It's like a holiday,
flying to the States.

705
00:34:57,530 --> 00:34:59,490
I could do without the safety video.

706
00:35:00,330 --> 00:35:02,010
That's always a bit of a downer.

707
00:35:02,410 --> 00:35:03,890
And totally pointless.

708
00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:07,090
If you hit the side of a mountain
at 500 miles per hour,

709
00:35:07,850 --> 00:35:10,330
the brace position does fuck all.

710
00:35:13,970 --> 00:35:15,930
Imagine if that worked.

711
00:35:16,010 --> 00:35:18,290
You're going down, the plane smashes.

712
00:35:18,370 --> 00:35:20,450
You go, "I'll try it." You do that.

713
00:35:20,530 --> 00:35:23,250
Ball of flames, you wake up,
everyone's dead.

714
00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:26,290
You go, "Fucking hell,
that's amazing, that is!"

715
00:35:32,530 --> 00:35:34,930
And they always use that voice,
don't they?

716
00:35:36,730 --> 00:35:39,770
That calming, hypnotic voice,
like, "Nothing bad will happen."

717
00:35:39,850 --> 00:35:42,970
They're saying horrendous things,
but nothing bad will happen,

718
00:35:43,050 --> 00:35:45,450
because I'm using this voice, don't worry.

719
00:35:45,530 --> 00:35:48,770
Things like, "In the event
of the plane landing on water--"

720
00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:51,410
It smashes the fuck to bits, right?

721
00:35:52,490 --> 00:35:55,290
They say, "In the event of the plane
landing on water,

722
00:35:55,370 --> 00:35:58,090
your life jacket is equipped
with a whistle."

723
00:35:59,170 --> 00:36:01,330
A fucking whistle.

724
00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:04,690
So, the plane hits the water,
smashes to bits,

725
00:36:04,770 --> 00:36:07,570
everyone's dead, except you, by a miracle.

726
00:36:07,650 --> 00:36:09,970
You're bobbing around
in the Atlantic Ocean.

727
00:36:10,050 --> 00:36:11,930
Four degrees, that water is.

728
00:36:12,010 --> 00:36:16,210
You've got about 15 minutes
before hypothermia sets in.

729
00:36:16,290 --> 00:36:18,450
Or you're eaten by a shark, or you drown.

730
00:36:18,530 --> 00:36:20,850
You're hoping they've sent air-sea rescue.

731
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:24,890
You're going, "God, I'm gonna die,
I don't know what I'm doing!"

732
00:36:24,970 --> 00:36:25,810
Hold on!

733
00:36:36,010 --> 00:36:37,690
I mean, Air Sea Rescue...

734
00:36:37,770 --> 00:36:40,410
I don't know if you've ever been in
a helicopter.

735
00:36:40,490 --> 00:36:41,890
O course you haven't. But...

736
00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:45,090
They're fucking loud.

737
00:36:45,170 --> 00:36:47,690
It's like having your head
in a washing machine.

738
00:36:47,770 --> 00:36:51,970
You have to wear ear plugs and defenders.
Your teeth rattle. It's like...

739
00:36:54,410 --> 00:36:57,050
Like that.
Over the Atlantic Ocean at night.

740
00:37:05,570 --> 00:37:06,730
Never gonna happen.

741
00:37:12,530 --> 00:37:14,890
If you crash, you die, right?

742
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:18,970
But apart from that, it's brilliant.
Right...

743
00:37:19,690 --> 00:37:23,530
I was flying Heathrow to JFK
just before Christmas, right?

744
00:37:23,610 --> 00:37:25,490
Boarded us early, on the plane.

745
00:37:25,570 --> 00:37:26,730
She comes round.

746
00:37:26,810 --> 00:37:29,970
"Champagne in a wine glass,
like you like it, Mr. Gervais."

747
00:37:30,050 --> 00:37:30,930
She goes off.

748
00:37:31,010 --> 00:37:33,770
I go, "Have you got any
of them warm nuts?"

749
00:37:33,850 --> 00:37:36,970
She went, "We're not handing out nuts
on this flight.

750
00:37:37,050 --> 00:37:39,450
A lady's getting on who's so allergic,

751
00:37:39,530 --> 00:37:41,930
even someone eating nuts nearby

752
00:37:42,010 --> 00:37:44,290
would cause her to have a fatal reaction."

753
00:37:44,370 --> 00:37:46,530
I went, "Oh, my god, of course."

754
00:37:46,610 --> 00:37:48,890
I was fuming. I mean...

755
00:37:49,770 --> 00:37:51,370
What's that got to do with me?

756
00:37:51,450 --> 00:37:53,290
Why can't I eat nuts, just cause...

757
00:37:53,370 --> 00:37:55,570
fucking... this woman will... die, right?

758
00:37:56,730 --> 00:37:58,730
Nuts! How has she lived this long?

759
00:37:58,810 --> 00:38:02,930
If walking by a nut kills you...

760
00:38:03,010 --> 00:38:06,250
if being... just near a nut...

761
00:38:06,330 --> 00:38:08,730
How has she never been near a nut...

762
00:38:09,530 --> 00:38:10,370
before?

763
00:38:10,450 --> 00:38:12,770
And how has she lived long enough,

764
00:38:12,850 --> 00:38:14,930
having never been near a nut,

765
00:38:15,010 --> 00:38:18,090
how has she lived long enough
to earn enough money

766
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,530
to be near me on a plane, right?

767
00:38:21,770 --> 00:38:23,130
Honestly. It's...

768
00:38:24,890 --> 00:38:27,570
And if being near a nut kills you,

769
00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:30,850
do we really want that in the gene pool?
I mean...

770
00:38:31,690 --> 00:38:33,210
I never wanted nuts more.

771
00:38:33,290 --> 00:38:37,050
I felt she was infringing
on my human right to eat nuts.

772
00:38:38,050 --> 00:38:40,650
And this is how spoiled I am, okay?

773
00:38:40,730 --> 00:38:42,210
I actually had this thought.

774
00:38:42,290 --> 00:38:45,530
I thought, "Oh, I wish
I'd brought my own nuts on."

775
00:38:45,610 --> 00:38:46,450
Right?.

776
00:38:47,730 --> 00:38:50,530
I thought for a second,
but that wouldn't work.

777
00:38:50,610 --> 00:38:54,210
She'd get on and start blowing up
like a frog, right?

778
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,370
Like that...

779
00:38:56,570 --> 00:38:58,130
And... die.

780
00:38:58,730 --> 00:39:01,610
And someone would go,
"Ricky Gervais brought his own nuts on."

781
00:39:02,090 --> 00:39:03,290
You know, right?

782
00:39:03,370 --> 00:39:05,570
So I don't take my own nuts on.

783
00:39:05,650 --> 00:39:07,010
Now, before I fly,

784
00:39:07,090 --> 00:39:10,370
I have a shower,
and then I rub myself all over...

785
00:39:10,450 --> 00:39:12,890
in nuts... just in case.

786
00:39:12,970 --> 00:39:15,210
Then I go, "Can I have any nuts?"

787
00:39:15,290 --> 00:39:17,450
They go, "No, sorry, this lady would die."

788
00:39:17,530 --> 00:39:18,930
"Yeah, not a problem."

789
00:39:19,010 --> 00:39:22,570
Lady gets on, sits down,
starts blowing up like a frog...

790
00:39:24,090 --> 00:39:26,570
I go, "What's the matter?"
I touch her all over.

791
00:39:31,730 --> 00:39:35,930
"What's the matter?"
She goes, "Nuts!" Right? And dies.

792
00:39:36,010 --> 00:39:38,370
And I go, "Who's been eating nuts?"

793
00:39:41,010 --> 00:39:42,530
I get off scot-free.

794
00:39:43,450 --> 00:39:46,090
So I got to America,
I went on a chat show.

795
00:39:46,170 --> 00:39:48,370
<i>Tonight Show </i>with Jimmy Fallon.

796
00:39:48,450 --> 00:39:51,370
And I told that story, the whole thing.

797
00:39:51,450 --> 00:39:54,370
It went well, audience laughed. Great.
Went out.

798
00:39:54,450 --> 00:39:56,330
Next day on Twitter, outrage.

799
00:39:56,410 --> 00:40:00,330
By "outrage", I mean one person going,
"How dare you?"

800
00:40:00,410 --> 00:40:05,770
This woman goes, "I saw you on Jimmy
Fallon, making fun of nut allergies.

801
00:40:05,850 --> 00:40:08,370
My daughter's nut-intolerant.
How dare you?"

802
00:40:08,610 --> 00:40:10,170
I go, "Who is this woman?"

803
00:40:10,250 --> 00:40:14,050
She's tweeted 15 times.
She starts @-ing NBC and Jimmy Fallon.

804
00:40:14,130 --> 00:40:16,370
I go, "What's this?
How many followers?

805
00:40:16,450 --> 00:40:17,770
Twenty-three. Ignore it."

806
00:40:19,170 --> 00:40:23,170
You know when you're being told off,
and they use your own words against you,

807
00:40:23,250 --> 00:40:26,130
like a teacher going,
"So, you find so and so funny?"

808
00:40:26,210 --> 00:40:28,250
And cause the teacher's really angry,

809
00:40:28,330 --> 00:40:31,130
yes, you do find that thing funny,
whatever...

810
00:40:31,210 --> 00:40:32,570
She said...

811
00:40:32,650 --> 00:40:35,730
"Would you find it funny if my daughter
blew up like a frog?"

812
00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:39,130
Yeah.

813
00:40:39,650 --> 00:40:41,930
Yeah, you saying that... Yes.

814
00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:45,730
If you said that at the funeral,
I would, yeah...

815
00:40:46,330 --> 00:40:48,930
So, someone else gets involved.

816
00:40:49,010 --> 00:40:51,530
Ohio Moms Against Nuts, right?

817
00:40:51,610 --> 00:40:55,210
And she does a blog,
and they're talking to each other,

818
00:40:55,290 --> 00:40:58,930
and she puts me in her blog
about how disgusting I am.

819
00:40:59,010 --> 00:41:02,850
One filmed her little girl,
put it on YouTube, and sent me it.

820
00:41:02,930 --> 00:41:05,690
I opened it.
Sweet little girl, seven years old.

821
00:41:05,770 --> 00:41:09,730
And she went, "Dear Mr. Gervais,
I have a fatal nut allergy."

822
00:41:09,810 --> 00:41:10,650
Delete.

823
00:41:13,650 --> 00:41:15,530
Not my problem, right?

824
00:41:16,890 --> 00:41:19,530
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Right?

825
00:41:19,610 --> 00:41:22,690
But then one of them said something
that reeled me in.

826
00:41:22,770 --> 00:41:25,330
Just cause I'm this
self-confessed Twitter police.

827
00:41:25,970 --> 00:41:29,930
I try and explain to someone every day
what freedom of speech means,

828
00:41:30,010 --> 00:41:32,170
particularly in the context of comedy,

829
00:41:32,250 --> 00:41:33,970
and in the context of a joke.

830
00:41:34,050 --> 00:41:37,530
A joke about a bad thing
 isn't as bad as the bad thing,

831
00:41:37,610 --> 00:41:39,570
or necessarily condoning the bad thing.

832
00:41:39,650 --> 00:41:41,250
It could be anti the bad thing.

833
00:41:41,330 --> 00:41:43,370
It depends on the actual joke.

834
00:41:43,450 --> 00:41:44,770
And this woman said...

835
00:41:45,330 --> 00:41:47,930
"You should never make jokes
about food allergies."

836
00:41:49,970 --> 00:41:52,010
I should have left it, right?

837
00:41:53,810 --> 00:41:57,170
I sent back, "I make jokes
about AIDS, cancer,

838
00:41:57,250 --> 00:41:59,170
famine, and the Holocaust.

839
00:41:59,250 --> 00:42:02,930
And you're telling me I should never
joke about food allergies?"

840
00:42:04,210 --> 00:42:07,770
She sent back, "Yes, but the Holocaust
didn't kill children."

841
00:42:07,850 --> 00:42:08,810
Well...

842
00:42:11,330 --> 00:42:12,610
it did, didn't it?

843
00:42:14,090 --> 00:42:16,050
It was horrible, the Holocaust.

844
00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:18,490
Some would say as bad as food allergies.

845
00:42:22,250 --> 00:42:24,490
"Didn't kill children..." Jesus.

846
00:42:26,810 --> 00:42:28,050
It did kill children.

847
00:42:28,130 --> 00:42:30,890
Hitler killed 12 million people,
many of them children.

848
00:42:31,570 --> 00:42:34,410
I have to say, Hitler,
you couldn't make him up.

849
00:42:34,490 --> 00:42:37,130
The worst human being
to walk the face of the Earth.

850
00:42:37,210 --> 00:42:38,530
He is a crazy...

851
00:42:38,850 --> 00:42:39,770
evil,

852
00:42:40,170 --> 00:42:41,170
racist,

853
00:42:41,250 --> 00:42:43,570
narcissistic serial killer.

854
00:42:43,650 --> 00:42:45,050
Just terrible.

855
00:42:45,850 --> 00:42:46,730
But...

856
00:42:49,850 --> 00:42:51,690
if I was throwing a dinner party,

857
00:42:52,690 --> 00:42:54,810
and I'd been slaving over a hot stove,

858
00:42:54,890 --> 00:42:56,890
and I was getting everything ready,

859
00:42:56,970 --> 00:42:58,810
and there was one place left,

860
00:42:58,890 --> 00:43:01,490
and I had to... either invite Hitler

861
00:43:01,570 --> 00:43:03,690
or that little girl with food allergies...

862
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,370
I know who'd ruin that party more.

863
00:43:13,330 --> 00:43:16,330
Everyone's enjoying it. "Everything okay?"
"<i>Ja, ist </i>yummy!"

864
00:43:16,410 --> 00:43:18,010
Right? He's loving it.

865
00:43:18,090 --> 00:43:21,170
I go, "Cheers, you fucker!
How you doing, boy?"

866
00:43:22,170 --> 00:43:24,650
She's going, "I can't eat that."
Fucking hell.

867
00:43:26,250 --> 00:43:27,610
"Who wants Ferrero Rocher?"

868
00:43:27,690 --> 00:43:28,570
"Me!"

869
00:43:28,650 --> 00:43:30,010
"All right. Here!"

870
00:43:31,010 --> 00:43:33,210
"I can't eat them." Oh, fuck off home.

871
00:43:33,290 --> 00:43:34,170
Right?

872
00:43:35,610 --> 00:43:37,330
That's what the world's like.

873
00:43:37,410 --> 00:43:40,570
People see something they don't like,
they expect it to stop,

874
00:43:40,650 --> 00:43:42,850
as opposed to deal with their emotions.

875
00:43:42,930 --> 00:43:45,810
They want us to care about their thing
as much as they do.

876
00:43:45,930 --> 00:43:47,730
It's why the world is getting worse,

877
00:43:47,810 --> 00:43:49,810
and the world is getting worse.

878
00:43:50,530 --> 00:43:53,050
I think I've lived through
the best 50 years of humanity...

879
00:43:53,850 --> 00:43:57,650
1965 to 2015, the peak of civlization,
for everything.

880
00:43:57,730 --> 00:44:01,810
For tolerances, for freedoms,
for communication, for medicine.

881
00:44:01,890 --> 00:44:03,530
Now it's going the other way a bit.

882
00:44:03,610 --> 00:44:06,530
Last couple of years,
just a little blip, maybe.

883
00:44:06,610 --> 00:44:08,450
I'm not saying this because I'm old.

884
00:44:08,570 --> 00:44:10,170
Old people say things like,

885
00:44:10,930 --> 00:44:12,730
"Oh, everything was better
when I was a kid."

886
00:44:13,210 --> 00:44:14,370
Course it was. You were a kid.

887
00:44:14,850 --> 00:44:16,930
Everything's better when you're a kid.

888
00:44:17,130 --> 00:44:18,810
Being old is the shit bit.

889
00:44:18,930 --> 00:44:21,250
Whatever's happening, being old is...

890
00:44:21,410 --> 00:44:25,370
I wake up these days, and I go,
"Oh fuck, I didn't die."

891
00:44:27,490 --> 00:44:28,970
Gotta do it all again.

892
00:44:29,050 --> 00:44:31,930
I'm usually hung over,
headache, liver pains.

893
00:44:32,010 --> 00:44:33,970
I can't walk for the first five minutes,

894
00:44:34,050 --> 00:44:36,090
'cause I've got no joints in my knees.

895
00:44:36,690 --> 00:44:38,810
I'm getting fat again now, right?

896
00:44:38,890 --> 00:44:42,770
I was thin till I was about 28, proper
skinny, like nine and a half stone.

897
00:44:43,250 --> 00:44:44,890
Then I got a job, right?

898
00:44:44,970 --> 00:44:48,730
And the next, sort of, 20 years
were what I call my eating years...

899
00:44:49,890 --> 00:44:52,210
And I just got steadily fatter and fatter.

900
00:44:52,290 --> 00:44:55,370
Until I reached a peak of unwellness
and blobbiness,

901
00:44:55,570 --> 00:44:57,690
when I was about 48 years old.

902
00:44:57,770 --> 00:45:00,850
There was one Christmas, I was at home,
lying on the floor...

903
00:45:01,450 --> 00:45:02,330
And...

904
00:45:03,330 --> 00:45:04,610
I was saying to Jane,

905
00:45:04,690 --> 00:45:07,010
"I'm having a heart attack." Right?

906
00:45:07,730 --> 00:45:10,850
And, honestly, my heart rate was like 130.

907
00:45:10,930 --> 00:45:14,450
I felt nauseous, I had palpitations,
I was sweating.

908
00:45:14,530 --> 00:45:16,770
Because I'd eaten eleven sausages.

909
00:45:21,210 --> 00:45:22,770
True story, right?

910
00:45:23,290 --> 00:45:25,010
I was like one of them snakes.

911
00:45:25,090 --> 00:45:27,210
Like when you see a big, like...

912
00:45:27,290 --> 00:45:30,250
python swallow a pig whole.

913
00:45:30,330 --> 00:45:31,890
And then it's just fucked.

914
00:45:31,970 --> 00:45:34,370
It's, like... it'll sit there for a week.

915
00:45:34,450 --> 00:45:36,850
It's like a duffel bag.
Just there, like that.

916
00:45:37,330 --> 00:45:39,050
That was me, right?

917
00:45:39,130 --> 00:45:42,290
I wasn't having a heart attack,
but it worried Jane.

918
00:45:42,370 --> 00:45:46,050
She said, "You gotta look after yourself."
I thought, "You're right. 48."

919
00:45:46,450 --> 00:45:49,050
So I started working out, right,
every day.

920
00:45:49,130 --> 00:45:50,530
I didn't give anything up.

921
00:45:50,610 --> 00:45:51,930
I don't eat meat anymore.

922
00:45:52,050 --> 00:45:54,730
But I was
having 2500, 3000 calories a day,

923
00:45:54,810 --> 00:45:56,650
including wine every night.

924
00:45:56,730 --> 00:45:58,530
But I burnt it off the next day.

925
00:45:58,610 --> 00:46:00,210
Just so I could do all that,

926
00:46:00,290 --> 00:46:03,250
I worked out every day,
running, weight training...

927
00:46:03,330 --> 00:46:06,090
I had more time on my hands
than the average person.

928
00:46:06,170 --> 00:46:08,690
I had a gym in my house, I had no excuse.

929
00:46:08,770 --> 00:46:10,770
I lost 20 pounds. It was great.

930
00:46:10,850 --> 00:46:13,210
But now, I still eat and drink too much,

931
00:46:13,290 --> 00:46:17,290
but I physically can't... burn off
the calories. I can't do enough.

932
00:46:17,370 --> 00:46:19,730
Cause I'm so old and broken and tired.

933
00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:23,010
So, I'm going to get steadily
fatter and fatter again,

934
00:46:23,090 --> 00:46:25,210
and this time I am going to die.

935
00:46:27,770 --> 00:46:30,650
I'm losing my hair.
It's getting really thin.

936
00:46:30,730 --> 00:46:33,250
I know it looks great from there.
Cheers, but...

937
00:46:34,610 --> 00:46:36,610
No, honestly, in a lift,

938
00:46:36,690 --> 00:46:39,330
with that light directly overhead,

939
00:46:39,410 --> 00:46:42,490
and the mirror, it looks like an x-ray,
right?

940
00:46:44,970 --> 00:46:48,490
I'll have to buzz that off soon.
I'd never wear a wig, oh, my god.

941
00:46:48,570 --> 00:46:52,490
If you wear a wig or a toupee,
and you think you've got away with it...

942
00:46:53,490 --> 00:46:54,650
you haven't.

943
00:46:54,730 --> 00:46:56,210
Everyone knows.

944
00:46:56,290 --> 00:46:58,210
Everyone knows immediately.

945
00:46:58,290 --> 00:47:02,570
My brain knows a wig has come
into the room before I do, right?

946
00:47:03,610 --> 00:47:06,410
I could be at a party,
it'll go, "There's a wig in here."

947
00:47:06,490 --> 00:47:09,050
-I go. "Is there?"
-"Yes! There is, yeah!"

948
00:47:10,250 --> 00:47:12,410
Spidey senses for the wig.

949
00:47:12,490 --> 00:47:13,330
It's obvious.

950
00:47:14,050 --> 00:47:16,410
The way they smile,
like nothing's wrong.

951
00:47:16,490 --> 00:47:17,330
Hiya.

952
00:47:18,970 --> 00:47:21,450
It's the telltale signs, isn't it?

953
00:47:22,450 --> 00:47:25,410
I was put off wigs for life
by my Uncle Reginald.

954
00:47:25,490 --> 00:47:29,570
Great bloke. He's dead now.
Died a few years ago. I was only little.

955
00:47:29,690 --> 00:47:31,450
He went bald in his twenties.

956
00:47:31,530 --> 00:47:33,730
Tragically bald. His hair fell out.

957
00:47:33,810 --> 00:47:36,530
It might have been something like alopecia

958
00:47:36,610 --> 00:47:40,090
But he was bald for ten years
into his thirties.

959
00:47:40,170 --> 00:47:42,010
Turns up one day at our house...

960
00:47:42,090 --> 00:47:43,930
"Elvis! What is--"

961
00:47:46,570 --> 00:47:47,730
I was about eight,

962
00:47:47,810 --> 00:47:50,610
I said to Auntie Edna, "What happened?"
She went,

963
00:47:50,690 --> 00:47:53,050
"It was a miracle."

964
00:47:53,130 --> 00:47:55,010
They were lying! They were just...

965
00:47:55,090 --> 00:47:57,210
Everyone knew he was bald!

966
00:47:57,450 --> 00:48:01,130
But he'd embroiled his family in the lie,
so they had to lie as well.

967
00:48:01,250 --> 00:48:03,570
They're going, "Yeah, it just grew back."

968
00:48:03,650 --> 00:48:07,810
There's so much he wouldn't do, cause
he was terrified of the wig coming off.

969
00:48:08,730 --> 00:48:11,610
We weren't allowed balloons at parties,
right?

970
00:48:12,330 --> 00:48:16,130
Auntie Edna said, "Reg is allergic
to balloons." He wasn't allergic.

971
00:48:16,210 --> 00:48:19,810
He was terrified one of us kids
would rub one on our sweater,

972
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,690
and his wig would fly across the room.

973
00:48:24,970 --> 00:48:26,970
We've got photos in the family album.

974
00:48:27,050 --> 00:48:30,610
If he's at a wedding or a christening,
and he's holding a baby,

975
00:48:30,690 --> 00:48:32,330
it's always at arms' length.

976
00:48:32,410 --> 00:48:34,690
Like that. So it can't grab his wig.

977
00:48:34,770 --> 00:48:38,010
It must have been on his mind
all the time, right?

978
00:48:38,090 --> 00:48:41,450
It was the only thing he feared,
the wig coming off in public,

979
00:48:41,530 --> 00:48:43,570
and this ridiculous lie being exposed.

980
00:48:43,650 --> 00:48:45,730
He was in the Army, hard as nails.

981
00:48:45,810 --> 00:48:48,890
He wasn't scared of anyone or anything.
Spiders, snakes...

982
00:48:48,970 --> 00:48:50,130
cancer...

983
00:48:50,210 --> 00:48:51,770
How's the chemo going, Uncle?

984
00:48:51,850 --> 00:48:53,170
"Not a problem."

985
00:48:55,930 --> 00:48:58,770
We've got a photo of him,
the last year, I think.

986
00:48:58,850 --> 00:49:02,210
He was 75. It must have been
the last year he was alive.

987
00:49:02,290 --> 00:49:04,570
It was a hot day. He was in the garden.

988
00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:06,010
In his little trunks.

989
00:49:06,090 --> 00:49:08,210
He was a wizened little man by then.

990
00:49:08,290 --> 00:49:11,170
White chest hair. Jet black wig still!

991
00:49:12,650 --> 00:49:14,290
Died in it, buried in it.

992
00:49:14,370 --> 00:49:15,730
He's wearing it now.

993
00:49:16,650 --> 00:49:19,250
A little skeleton with jet black hair.

994
00:49:21,130 --> 00:49:23,210
Like Posh Spice for eternity.

995
00:49:25,930 --> 00:49:27,610
But I knew that was gonna happen.

996
00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:30,330
I knew I would get old and fat and...

997
00:49:30,410 --> 00:49:32,770
ill and blind and deaf and...

998
00:49:33,330 --> 00:49:36,650
shit myself and be pushed round
in a fucking bucket.

999
00:49:38,330 --> 00:49:42,050
You're ready, because you're warned.
You know about getting old.

1000
00:49:42,130 --> 00:49:45,050
What they don't talk about,
so you're not prepared,

1001
00:49:45,130 --> 00:49:46,930
and it was a shock to me...

1002
00:49:47,010 --> 00:49:50,010
I only found out recently,
I'll share it with you now.

1003
00:49:50,890 --> 00:49:52,450
The distending testicles.

1004
00:49:53,330 --> 00:49:55,330
See, you don't know about it.

1005
00:49:55,410 --> 00:49:57,410
But it happens in your fifties.

1006
00:49:57,490 --> 00:49:59,850
I wasn't checking them or anything...

1007
00:49:59,930 --> 00:50:01,650
I didn't see 'em for 20 years.

1008
00:50:03,330 --> 00:50:04,930
As a young man, they were pert,

1009
00:50:05,010 --> 00:50:07,130
and now they're like two plums in a sock.

1010
00:50:07,890 --> 00:50:09,650
I don't know when it happened,

1011
00:50:09,730 --> 00:50:11,890
but it was recently. They just...

1012
00:50:11,970 --> 00:50:13,930
And this is how I found out.

1013
00:50:14,010 --> 00:50:16,010
So, as I've been getting older,

1014
00:50:16,090 --> 00:50:18,530
and they've been secretly
stretching away...

1015
00:50:19,130 --> 00:50:21,370
as I've got older, I've got richer,

1016
00:50:21,450 --> 00:50:24,170
so my baths have been getting
more luxurious.

1017
00:50:25,650 --> 00:50:28,370
Last year, I moved into a new house
in Hampstead.

1018
00:50:28,810 --> 00:50:30,410
Big bath. Big sunken bath.

1019
00:50:31,050 --> 00:50:32,250
South-facing windows.

1020
00:50:32,330 --> 00:50:35,050
I was in there the first night.
Lovely bath.

1021
00:50:35,130 --> 00:50:38,290
Sun streaming in, classical music,
this is the life.

1022
00:50:38,370 --> 00:50:39,330
I looked down.

1023
00:50:40,130 --> 00:50:41,410
And they're floating.

1024
00:50:42,010 --> 00:50:42,850
Right?

1025
00:50:44,370 --> 00:50:47,930
Now, I'd never dreamt
that testicles would float.

1026
00:50:48,250 --> 00:50:49,970
They seem like they'd be heavy.

1027
00:50:50,530 --> 00:50:53,770
You could tie things down with them,
and they'd sink. You know?

1028
00:50:54,450 --> 00:50:56,250
Most people never see their...

1029
00:50:56,330 --> 00:50:59,410
In the sea, you're in trunks,
in the shower, they dangle,

1030
00:50:59,490 --> 00:51:01,250
and baths aren't usually that deep!

1031
00:51:01,930 --> 00:51:04,210
That was my first thought. "Oh, my god,

1032
00:51:04,290 --> 00:51:06,610
I never thought testicles would float."

1033
00:51:07,610 --> 00:51:09,690
Then my second thought kicked in.

1034
00:51:09,770 --> 00:51:11,890
"Hold on, this bath's two feet deep!"

1035
00:51:11,970 --> 00:51:12,810
Right?

1036
00:51:13,930 --> 00:51:16,370
I'm sitting on the bottom, they're on top.

1037
00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:17,490
What's going on?

1038
00:51:18,050 --> 00:51:18,890
Right?

1039
00:51:18,970 --> 00:51:19,810
And...

1040
00:51:20,610 --> 00:51:21,450
I looked,

1041
00:51:21,570 --> 00:51:24,730
and my testicles are now longer
than my penis.

1042
00:51:25,810 --> 00:51:29,130
Easily, by some way, right?

1043
00:51:29,210 --> 00:51:30,970
In fact, they'd created,

1044
00:51:31,050 --> 00:51:34,450
a little, fleshy sort of life raft, right?

1045
00:51:35,290 --> 00:51:38,690
My penis was dry, just nestled, just...

1046
00:51:38,770 --> 00:51:39,890
floating on top.

1047
00:51:39,970 --> 00:51:41,450
Like that. Like that.

1048
00:51:41,530 --> 00:51:43,250
Just bouncing around.

1049
00:51:44,610 --> 00:51:47,050
I should have given it a little whistle.

1050
00:51:51,330 --> 00:51:53,330
I'm just thinking, "This is bizarre."

1051
00:51:53,410 --> 00:51:54,650
Fucking hell, right?

1052
00:51:54,850 --> 00:51:55,970
And...

1053
00:51:56,050 --> 00:51:57,690
I thought, "Maybe it's a fluke."

1054
00:51:57,770 --> 00:52:00,970
So I held them under the water
for a minute,

1055
00:52:01,050 --> 00:52:03,050
I let them go and they bobbed up!

1056
00:52:03,130 --> 00:52:06,530
They're really...
They're really buoyant, right?

1057
00:52:06,610 --> 00:52:09,610
Try it when you get home,
if you're in your 50s.

1058
00:52:09,690 --> 00:52:11,370
And a man, obviously.

1059
00:52:12,810 --> 00:52:14,090
Or Caitlyn Jenner.

1060
00:52:16,770 --> 00:52:17,610
But...

1061
00:52:21,570 --> 00:52:23,490
But the world is getting worse.

1062
00:52:24,090 --> 00:52:27,850
And I blame the beginning of its demise
on social media.

1063
00:52:28,770 --> 00:52:33,450
Because Twitter and Facebook,
that's where this ridiculous notion bred,

1064
00:52:33,530 --> 00:52:35,250
and became stable,

1065
00:52:35,330 --> 00:52:38,650
that it was more important to be popular
than right.

1066
00:52:38,730 --> 00:52:42,610
Everything was "like me", "agree with me".
It falls into two tribes.

1067
00:52:42,690 --> 00:52:45,090
"I don't agree with them,
so I block them."

1068
00:52:45,170 --> 00:52:47,010
And now, in this post-truth era,

1069
00:52:47,090 --> 00:52:49,410
people don't care about the argument,

1070
00:52:49,490 --> 00:52:52,010
they say, "Who's saying the argument?

1071
00:52:52,090 --> 00:52:53,770
No, they're not on our side."

1072
00:52:53,850 --> 00:52:55,450
It's ludicrous, okay?

1073
00:52:55,810 --> 00:52:59,210
And it also bred this ridiculous notion
we've always had.

1074
00:52:59,290 --> 00:53:01,810
My opinion is worth as much as yours.

1075
00:53:01,890 --> 00:53:04,730
Now, it's my opinion is worth
as much as your fact,

1076
00:53:04,810 --> 00:53:05,970
which is nonsense.

1077
00:53:06,050 --> 00:53:07,730
I get tweets from people saying,

1078
00:53:08,290 --> 00:53:10,490
"I believe the Earth is 6,000 years old."

1079
00:53:10,890 --> 00:53:12,770
"I believe you're a fucking idiot."

1080
00:53:13,570 --> 00:53:16,130
You can't have an opinion
on the age of the Earth.

1081
00:53:16,210 --> 00:53:18,770
You can have opinions,
but not your <i>own</i> facts.

1082
00:53:19,090 --> 00:53:21,970
But it was all about being popular, right?

1083
00:53:22,050 --> 00:53:24,810
And even politicians
picked up those symptoms.

1084
00:53:24,890 --> 00:53:27,210
Politicians tweet now,
they want to be popular.

1085
00:53:27,290 --> 00:53:30,010
We had a Brexit referendum
cause they passed the buck.

1086
00:53:30,090 --> 00:53:32,210
They didn't want to make a mistake.

1087
00:53:32,290 --> 00:53:34,090
And there's a ridiculous thing of,

1088
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:36,850
"Let's ask the average person
what they think."

1089
00:53:36,930 --> 00:53:40,170
Let's stop asking the average person
what they...

1090
00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,010
Do you know how fucking stupid
the average person is?

1091
00:53:50,010 --> 00:53:52,530
We still sell bottles of bleach

1092
00:53:52,610 --> 00:53:54,250
with big labels on

1093
00:53:54,330 --> 00:53:56,450
that say "Do not drink".

1094
00:53:56,530 --> 00:53:57,370
Right?

1095
00:53:57,450 --> 00:54:00,010
Let's take those labels off, right?

1096
00:54:00,610 --> 00:54:02,050
For two years.

1097
00:54:02,730 --> 00:54:04,290
And then have a referendum.

1098
00:54:12,970 --> 00:54:16,130
But it's not just politicians.
Even real news.

1099
00:54:16,210 --> 00:54:18,290
The news on TV says things like,

1100
00:54:18,370 --> 00:54:19,650
"Tweet us your news."

1101
00:54:19,730 --> 00:54:21,650
Don't let them tweet you the news!

1102
00:54:21,730 --> 00:54:24,770
-"I saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."
-You liar! Right?

1103
00:54:26,610 --> 00:54:28,490
There was a big news story last year,

1104
00:54:28,570 --> 00:54:31,930
about a train crash that happened
a year before,

1105
00:54:32,010 --> 00:54:33,410
and there was an inquiry.

1106
00:54:33,490 --> 00:54:35,890
The results of the inquiry were published

1107
00:54:35,970 --> 00:54:38,410
and there was an expert on the news.

1108
00:54:38,490 --> 00:54:40,970
He said, "We've looked at everything,

1109
00:54:41,050 --> 00:54:43,770
and we've decided that the speed
of the trains

1110
00:54:43,850 --> 00:54:45,410
was a contributing factor,

1111
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,890
so we're going to slow them down a bit.

1112
00:54:47,970 --> 00:54:50,490
Statistically,
this shouldn't happen again."

1113
00:54:50,570 --> 00:54:51,770
That would have been it.

1114
00:54:51,850 --> 00:54:54,890
But the guy went, "We asked the public
what they thought."

1115
00:54:56,490 --> 00:54:58,650
Then there was three banal vox pops.

1116
00:54:58,730 --> 00:55:02,010
First one said,
"I already pay £960 a year,

1117
00:55:02,090 --> 00:55:03,690
so I'm not happy."

1118
00:55:03,770 --> 00:55:06,850
The next one said, "It takes me 45 minutes
each way,

1119
00:55:06,930 --> 00:55:08,250
it's not good enough."

1120
00:55:08,330 --> 00:55:09,810
The last one said,

1121
00:55:09,890 --> 00:55:13,250
"I say it's better to arrive at work late
than dead."

1122
00:55:16,010 --> 00:55:17,930
Why is that on the news?

1123
00:55:18,010 --> 00:55:20,770
And when is that applicable
in any situation?

1124
00:55:21,970 --> 00:55:23,890
All right, Ted? You're in early.

1125
00:55:24,610 --> 00:55:25,450
Ted?

1126
00:55:29,010 --> 00:55:30,610
Oh, Ted!

1127
00:55:32,450 --> 00:55:33,890
We've been through this.

1128
00:55:33,970 --> 00:55:36,650
Remember I said I'd rather you arrive late
than dead?

1129
00:55:41,130 --> 00:55:42,690
But... the big enemy

1130
00:55:43,290 --> 00:55:44,930
is stupidity... right?

1131
00:55:45,370 --> 00:55:47,970
I wanna share with you
the most stupid tweet I ever got.

1132
00:55:48,850 --> 00:55:51,450
Now, admittedly, when I first got
on Twitter,

1133
00:55:51,530 --> 00:55:53,970
I pushed my agenda.
I was an outspoken atheist.

1134
00:55:54,050 --> 00:55:56,890
Not to change anyone's opinions.

1135
00:55:57,130 --> 00:55:59,850
I thought it was important
to tell the other side.

1136
00:56:00,170 --> 00:56:02,490
There are still 13 countries where people

1137
00:56:02,570 --> 00:56:04,890
are put to death for being an atheist.

1138
00:56:05,130 --> 00:56:08,330
I just wanted to say,
"It's fine to be an atheist.

1139
00:56:08,410 --> 00:56:11,210
It's fine to believe in God,
and it's fine not to."

1140
00:56:11,290 --> 00:56:13,290
That's all I was saying.

1141
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,210
I realized I didn't have to tweet

1142
00:56:15,290 --> 00:56:16,970
about religion or atheism.

1143
00:56:17,050 --> 00:56:18,010
I could tweet a fact,

1144
00:56:18,090 --> 00:56:20,290
and that annoyed
just the right people.

1145
00:56:22,290 --> 00:56:24,610
I'd tweet things like "Happy birthday,
Earth.

1146
00:56:24,690 --> 00:56:26,730
Four point six billion years old today."

1147
00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:28,250
Someone would always go,

1148
00:56:28,330 --> 00:56:30,330
"We know what you're fucking doing."

1149
00:56:36,170 --> 00:56:38,570
This is a tweet I got after one of those.

1150
00:56:39,370 --> 00:56:41,650
And... it was all in capitals,

1151
00:56:41,730 --> 00:56:42,850
which excited me...

1152
00:56:44,650 --> 00:56:46,730
That's the sign of Twitter madness.

1153
00:56:46,810 --> 00:56:49,210
Mixed with anger. It's great, right?

1154
00:56:49,290 --> 00:56:50,610
I looked at his profile.

1155
00:56:50,690 --> 00:56:52,850
Sure enough, he's a gentleman from Texas.

1156
00:56:52,930 --> 00:56:56,130
He's a fundamentalist,
creationist Christian.

1157
00:56:56,210 --> 00:56:57,130
Which is fine!

1158
00:56:57,210 --> 00:56:59,570
He loves God. He loves God and...

1159
00:56:59,650 --> 00:57:01,370
fetuses, mainly.

1160
00:57:02,330 --> 00:57:04,210
He loves the fetus from conception

1161
00:57:04,290 --> 00:57:06,770
to when it turns out gay, and then he's...

1162
00:57:16,610 --> 00:57:19,170
Remember it's in capitals.
He's shouting at me.

1163
00:57:19,970 --> 00:57:21,090
Best tweet ever.

1164
00:57:22,090 --> 00:57:23,410
"YOUR SCIENCE--"

1165
00:57:23,490 --> 00:57:25,130
My science, right?

1166
00:57:25,210 --> 00:57:29,730
Science, by the way, is spelled
S-C-I-E-N-T-S.

1167
00:57:30,770 --> 00:57:32,650
Already good, isn't it? I mean...

1168
00:57:33,370 --> 00:57:36,410
He's obviously heard the word,
he took a guess...

1169
00:57:38,250 --> 00:57:42,570
Never seen it written down,
because it's not in the Bible. So he's...

1170
00:57:46,690 --> 00:57:48,250
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU...

1171
00:57:48,330 --> 00:57:49,650
Well, it will.

1172
00:57:51,170 --> 00:57:52,450
It's helping him...

1173
00:57:52,530 --> 00:57:55,610
beam this little message
up to a satellite and down to me.

1174
00:58:00,130 --> 00:58:02,890
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU
WHEN SATAN..."

1175
00:58:03,370 --> 00:58:05,610
Of course he believes in Satan. Why not?

1176
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:08,690
He believes that God made the universe
in six days.

1177
00:58:08,770 --> 00:58:11,530
You're not gonna say to him,
"Do you believe in Satan?"

1178
00:58:11,610 --> 00:58:13,450
And have him say, "Bit far-fetched."

1179
00:58:18,210 --> 00:58:20,290
Why doesn't God kill Satan?

1180
00:58:21,850 --> 00:58:23,730
That's... what I'd ask him.

1181
00:58:23,810 --> 00:58:25,290
If I was wrong and I met God,

1182
00:58:25,370 --> 00:58:26,930
I'd go, "Oh, you do exist."

1183
00:58:27,010 --> 00:58:27,930
He'd go, "Yeah."

1184
00:58:28,010 --> 00:58:30,490
I'd go, "I've got
a few fucking questions, mate.

1185
00:58:33,050 --> 00:58:34,450
The first one would be,

1186
00:58:34,530 --> 00:58:36,890
"Why did you make chocolate kill dogs?"

1187
00:58:41,090 --> 00:58:42,530
Mental, right?

1188
00:58:44,970 --> 00:58:48,490
Also, if you hate homosexuality so much,

1189
00:58:48,570 --> 00:58:51,690
why did you put the male G-spot
up the arse?

1190
00:58:51,770 --> 00:58:52,610
What...

1191
00:58:55,930 --> 00:58:57,890
What is wrong with you?

1192
00:58:59,170 --> 00:59:00,010
Then I'd say,

1193
00:59:00,090 --> 00:59:02,170
"Why don't you kill Satan?"

1194
00:59:02,250 --> 00:59:03,690
And he'd go, "What?"

1195
00:59:03,770 --> 00:59:06,330
I'd go, "Why don't you kill Satan?

1196
00:59:06,410 --> 00:59:07,890
If he does all the bad stuff

1197
00:59:07,970 --> 00:59:10,850
and you do all the good stuff,
which you want...

1198
00:59:10,930 --> 00:59:12,250
I mean, you do want--"

1199
00:59:12,330 --> 00:59:13,210
"Yes, yeah."

1200
00:59:13,290 --> 00:59:16,730
"You could kill him if you wanted,
you can do anything, easy."

1201
00:59:16,810 --> 00:59:17,650
"Yeah."

1202
00:59:17,730 --> 00:59:19,570
"Why don't you kill him, then?"

1203
00:59:20,130 --> 00:59:21,050
"Because...

1204
00:59:21,970 --> 00:59:22,930
Shut up."

1205
00:59:29,250 --> 00:59:30,970
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU

1206
00:59:31,050 --> 00:59:34,530
WHEN SATAN IS RAPING
YOUR BRITISH ASS."

1207
00:59:43,570 --> 00:59:45,130
And he's got a point.

1208
00:59:47,730 --> 00:59:49,410
Because if I die,

1209
00:59:49,490 --> 00:59:51,450
and I find myself in Hell,

1210
00:59:51,530 --> 00:59:53,330
being raped by Satan...

1211
00:59:53,970 --> 00:59:56,450
Science has pretty much let me down.

1212
01:00:02,090 --> 01:00:05,170
But it's this last line
that he just throws away.

1213
01:00:05,250 --> 01:00:06,690
The line he signs off with,

1214
01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:09,090
makes this the best tweet
I've ever received.

1215
01:00:09,170 --> 01:00:13,530
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU WHEN
SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS.

1216
01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:14,810
I'LL BE LAUGHING."

1217
01:00:15,290 --> 01:00:18,570
So... he's there too! He's...

1218
01:00:23,210 --> 01:00:26,050
So, he's a fundamentalist... Christian,

1219
01:00:26,130 --> 01:00:28,770
who's lived his life
by the Old and New Testaments.

1220
01:00:28,850 --> 01:00:31,450
He dies, he wakes up in Hell, right?

1221
01:00:31,530 --> 01:00:34,010
Which must be off the charts

1222
01:00:34,090 --> 01:00:37,610
on the scale of emotional trauma...

1223
01:00:37,690 --> 01:00:39,090
"Oh, my God, I'm in Hell!

1224
01:00:39,170 --> 01:00:41,290
Oh, my God,
why have you forsaken me?

1225
01:00:41,370 --> 01:00:44,170
I'm gonna be tortured for eternity!"

1226
01:00:44,250 --> 01:00:46,930
He sees me getting raped
and goes, "Ha, ha, ha!"

1227
01:00:50,330 --> 01:00:52,090
He's suddenly over it, is he?

1228
01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:55,250
His day's suddenly got
a little bit brighter.

1229
01:00:56,690 --> 01:00:58,970
And like he's not next, right?

1230
01:00:59,050 --> 01:01:03,290
So I'm getting raped,
right, by the Devil, right?

1231
01:01:04,090 --> 01:01:07,130
He's just there.
"You fucking atheist scum."

1232
01:01:07,730 --> 01:01:09,490
And I'm like that. "Yeah, whatever."

1233
01:01:09,570 --> 01:01:12,850
I assume it happens all eternity.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

1234
01:01:13,450 --> 01:01:14,330
Like that.

1235
01:01:14,410 --> 01:01:17,050
I might say, "Watch your hooves
on my testicles."

1236
01:01:20,970 --> 01:01:23,490
And he'd go, "Why are they so distended?"

1237
01:01:23,570 --> 01:01:26,570
And I go, "Oh, like you're Brad Pitt!"

1238
01:01:26,650 --> 01:01:28,090
You know what I mean?

1239
01:01:28,170 --> 01:01:30,210
Sorry, are we talking or raping?

1240
01:01:30,290 --> 01:01:31,130
Can we...

1241
01:01:35,610 --> 01:01:38,530
"You lying, fucking atheist."
He's probably bored.

1242
01:01:38,610 --> 01:01:41,690
"Fucking atheists. Every fucking day."
Right?

1243
01:01:41,770 --> 01:01:44,290
His little gargoyle comes up. "Satan?"

1244
01:01:44,370 --> 01:01:46,330
He goes, "What?" And I go, "Yeah? What?"

1245
01:01:46,970 --> 01:01:49,370
He goes,
"There's a fundamentalist Christian."

1246
01:01:49,450 --> 01:01:52,290
"Fuck this!"
He'd be on him like a ton of bricks!

1247
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:56,610
So... I got that tweet.

1248
01:01:56,690 --> 01:01:59,730
I loved it. All I did was re-tweet, right?

1249
01:02:00,810 --> 01:02:05,890
And just watch the fun, people piling on,
going, "Ah, loser!"

1250
01:02:05,970 --> 01:02:08,410
And he's fighting back, really witlessly,

1251
01:02:08,490 --> 01:02:11,730
saying things like, "Go fuck your sister,
you English faggot!"

1252
01:02:16,130 --> 01:02:18,610
That makes no sense at all.

1253
01:02:21,050 --> 01:02:23,530
I forgot about it.
Went and did something else.

1254
01:02:23,610 --> 01:02:25,690
Few hours later, on Twitter again.

1255
01:02:25,770 --> 01:02:27,730
It's still all going off, right?

1256
01:02:27,810 --> 01:02:30,930
It's really funny,
I'm laughing at all the replies.

1257
01:02:31,010 --> 01:02:34,010
People saying things to him.
I'm scrolling down.

1258
01:02:34,090 --> 01:02:37,690
There's one tweet, directly to me,
from this woman. She says,

1259
01:02:37,770 --> 01:02:39,410
"You find rape funny?"

1260
01:02:39,490 --> 01:02:41,210
No! No! What?

1261
01:02:41,290 --> 01:02:42,130
No...

1262
01:02:42,210 --> 01:02:43,930
"Your mates find rape funny?"

1263
01:02:44,010 --> 01:02:44,930
No! Listen, right?

1264
01:02:45,010 --> 01:02:46,330
"You find rape funny?"

1265
01:02:46,410 --> 01:02:48,770
Listen, everyone! Listen, right? No...

1266
01:02:48,850 --> 01:02:51,530
I said to her,
"I didn't tweet that."

1267
01:02:51,930 --> 01:02:54,730
-She went, "You retweeted it."
-To show he's an idiot.

1268
01:02:54,810 --> 01:02:57,530
"But you must find it funny or amusing.

1269
01:02:57,610 --> 01:02:59,290
It's not a frivolous thing."

1270
01:02:59,370 --> 01:03:03,810
I said, "No, well, it's up to him,
isn't it? He can do it."

1271
01:03:03,890 --> 01:03:06,650
Now I'm arguing
with quite a nice, sane person,

1272
01:03:06,730 --> 01:03:08,290
who thinks this is mental.

1273
01:03:08,530 --> 01:03:10,570
But I'm fighting for his right...

1274
01:03:12,810 --> 01:03:16,290
to fantasize about me being
raped by the Devil.

1275
01:03:17,730 --> 01:03:20,170
Because I'm so conscious
of "freedom of speech"...

1276
01:03:20,250 --> 01:03:22,810
What a topsy-turvy world, right?

1277
01:03:22,890 --> 01:03:26,170
Although her opening gambit
annoyed me a bit.

1278
01:03:26,250 --> 01:03:28,610
Because she did that thing that people do.

1279
01:03:28,690 --> 01:03:32,050
She didn't say, "What, you find jokes
about rape funny?"

1280
01:03:32,130 --> 01:03:34,370
She said, "What, you find rape funny?"

1281
01:03:34,930 --> 01:03:38,770
The answer to that is, no, of course not.
No one finds rape funny.

1282
01:03:38,850 --> 01:03:42,170
Not even rapists find rape funny,
know what I mean?

1283
01:03:42,250 --> 01:03:46,250
Noone ever gives evidence saying,
"It was dark, he wore a ski mask,

1284
01:03:46,330 --> 01:03:47,450
and he was giggling."

1285
01:03:47,530 --> 01:03:48,490
That's never...

1286
01:03:54,290 --> 01:03:56,450
So... I sent back,

1287
01:03:56,850 --> 01:03:59,490
"You mean jokes about rape?"
She said, "Yes."

1288
01:03:59,570 --> 01:04:03,170
-I went, "Depends on the joke."
"-It fucking doesn't!"

1289
01:04:03,250 --> 01:04:06,210
I'm going, "No, it does! It does!
It depends on the joke.

1290
01:04:07,450 --> 01:04:09,410
It's about context, it's about content.

1291
01:04:10,050 --> 01:04:11,570
What do you mean by a rape joke?"

1292
01:04:11,650 --> 01:04:15,130
She said, "Even a joke with
the word 'rape' in it is unacceptable."

1293
01:04:15,210 --> 01:04:18,650
I said, "That's ridiculous,
it depends what the joke is."

1294
01:04:18,730 --> 01:04:21,770
I tweeted that clip of me
in <i>The Offic</i>e, going,

1295
01:04:21,850 --> 01:04:24,770
"I think there's been a rape up there!"

1296
01:04:29,610 --> 01:04:32,450
Everyone gets that because of the context.

1297
01:04:32,530 --> 01:04:34,650
And the target is a middle-aged man,

1298
01:04:34,730 --> 01:04:38,330
who's so narcissistic,
he'll say anything to win a silly game.

1299
01:04:38,410 --> 01:04:41,810
You have to understand the joke
and where it comes from.

1300
01:04:41,890 --> 01:04:44,290
I said, "Some jokes don't
punch up or down.

1301
01:04:44,370 --> 01:04:45,810
They don't punch anywhere.

1302
01:04:45,890 --> 01:04:49,850
They can just be a pun, a play on words,
that don't really mean anything."

1303
01:04:50,530 --> 01:04:53,770
A joke went round when I was a kid,
even adults told it.

1304
01:04:53,850 --> 01:04:54,970
I'll tell you.

1305
01:04:55,050 --> 01:04:57,690
A woman goes running
into a police station.

1306
01:04:57,770 --> 01:04:59,650
She says, "Help, I've been graped!"

1307
01:04:59,730 --> 01:05:02,090
The policeman says, "Do you mean <i>raped</i>?"

1308
01:05:02,170 --> 01:05:03,970
She says, "No, there was a bunch of them."

1309
01:05:12,170 --> 01:05:13,770
That is a rape joke, right?

1310
01:05:14,490 --> 01:05:15,330
So....

1311
01:05:15,410 --> 01:05:18,890
And I even said to her,
"No, I agree, in most cases, yeah.

1312
01:05:18,970 --> 01:05:23,330
Real rape jokes, they are fucking horrible
when the victim is the target.

1313
01:05:23,410 --> 01:05:25,410
Disgusting! I'd never tell those.

1314
01:05:25,490 --> 01:05:29,090
But it depends on the joke,
not the word or the subject."

1315
01:05:29,170 --> 01:05:32,730
I calmed it down, and they agreed
some jokes are worse than others.

1316
01:05:33,450 --> 01:05:34,770
She ended it by saying,

1317
01:05:34,850 --> 01:05:38,530
"Well, okay, I see your point,
but... still...

1318
01:05:38,610 --> 01:05:42,170
I will laugh at a joke
with the word 'rape' in it,

1319
01:05:42,250 --> 01:05:44,690
when no-one in the audience
has been raped."

1320
01:05:45,690 --> 01:05:47,410
I should have left it.

1321
01:05:49,130 --> 01:05:51,850
I just sent back,

1322
01:05:59,610 --> 01:06:01,050
"What a weird door policy."

1323
01:06:02,730 --> 01:06:05,090
You turn up to a comedy gig,
pay your money,

1324
01:06:05,490 --> 01:06:07,690
someone says, "Can I just
ask you a question?"

1325
01:06:07,770 --> 01:06:08,610
Yeah.

1326
01:06:09,330 --> 01:06:10,690
Have you ever been raped?

1327
01:06:10,770 --> 01:06:11,730
I have, yes.

1328
01:06:11,810 --> 01:06:13,010
You can't come in.

1329
01:06:14,330 --> 01:06:15,210
What? Why?

1330
01:06:15,290 --> 01:06:17,570
A lady says she won't laugh
if you're in.

1331
01:06:17,650 --> 01:06:18,490
Off you go.

1332
01:06:20,250 --> 01:06:23,850
That's what the world is like.
People take everything personally.

1333
01:06:24,930 --> 01:06:27,530
They think the world revolves around them,
particularly on Twitter.

1334
01:06:27,610 --> 01:06:30,010
I'm not tweeting anyone,
I'm just tweeting.

1335
01:06:30,090 --> 01:06:34,090
I don't know who's following me.
I've got 12 million followers.

1336
01:06:34,170 --> 01:06:36,370
They can be following me
without me knowing,

1337
01:06:36,890 --> 01:06:40,490
choose to read my tweet,
and then take that personally.

1338
01:06:40,570 --> 01:06:42,690
That's like going into a town square,

1339
01:06:42,770 --> 01:06:44,610
seeing a big noticeboard saying

1340
01:06:44,690 --> 01:06:46,610
"Guitar lessons", and you go,

1341
01:06:46,690 --> 01:06:49,450
"But I don't fucking want guitar lessons!"

1342
01:06:59,530 --> 01:07:00,450
What's this?

1343
01:07:01,490 --> 01:07:04,130
There's a number here. Right, call that.

1344
01:07:05,130 --> 01:07:07,010
Are you giving guitar lessons?

1345
01:07:07,090 --> 01:07:08,650
I don't fucking want any!

1346
01:07:10,410 --> 01:07:13,650
Fine! It's not for you, then.
Just walk away.

1347
01:07:14,330 --> 01:07:15,570
Don't worry about it.

1348
01:07:17,770 --> 01:07:20,050
I should say one thing
in Twitter's defense.

1349
01:07:20,130 --> 01:07:24,370
I use it as a marketing tool and for fun,
like everyone else.

1350
01:07:24,450 --> 01:07:28,290
But one great thing about Twitter,
for me, personally,

1351
01:07:28,730 --> 01:07:30,570
I'm very into anti-animal cruelty.

1352
01:07:30,650 --> 01:07:35,850
Years ago, it would take ages
to get 100,000 signatures on a petition.

1353
01:07:35,930 --> 01:07:38,010
Standing outside Tesco's or something.

1354
01:07:38,090 --> 01:07:41,890
That's the magic number,
because then it gets heard in Parliament.

1355
01:07:41,970 --> 01:07:45,370
I've been part of many campaigns
through Twitter

1356
01:07:45,450 --> 01:07:49,370
when we've got 100,000 signatures in days,
and the law has been changed.

1357
01:07:49,810 --> 01:07:52,690
Thank you to those who've retweeted
about animal cruelty.

1358
01:07:52,770 --> 01:07:53,930
It makes a difference.

1359
01:07:54,370 --> 01:07:55,210
Thank you.

1360
01:08:01,130 --> 01:08:05,130
But even something as clear and distinct
as animal cruelty,

1361
01:08:05,210 --> 01:08:07,290
You think no one's gonna argue with that.

1362
01:08:07,770 --> 01:08:10,170
Yes, they will.

1363
01:08:10,250 --> 01:08:12,050
They just wanna be heard.

1364
01:08:12,130 --> 01:08:14,970
I'll tweet something about
a bull being tortured

1365
01:08:15,050 --> 01:08:16,970
in a bullring for entertainment.

1366
01:08:17,050 --> 01:08:18,490
I say, "Ban bullfighting."

1367
01:08:18,570 --> 01:08:21,450
Someone always says,
"What about the kids in Syria?"

1368
01:08:21,530 --> 01:08:22,450
What?

1369
01:08:25,410 --> 01:08:27,410
Well, I'm not giving you a choice.

1370
01:08:29,610 --> 01:08:32,010
You can do both. I'm not saying,

1371
01:08:32,090 --> 01:08:34,850
"Throw that kid back in the hole,
there's a bull here!"

1372
01:08:37,930 --> 01:08:41,170
And there's one thing that I didn't want
in my head,

1373
01:08:41,250 --> 01:08:45,330
but it exists, so we have to deal with it
now that I found out, through Twitter.

1374
01:08:45,410 --> 01:08:48,210
There's a thing called
the Yulin Dog Meat Festival,

1375
01:08:48,290 --> 01:08:49,570
in China, every year.

1376
01:08:49,650 --> 01:08:50,730
And it's horrendous.

1377
01:08:50,810 --> 01:08:54,290
And we send people with money
to buy the dogs,

1378
01:08:54,370 --> 01:08:56,130
to bring them back.

1379
01:08:56,250 --> 01:08:59,250
It's a drop in the ocean.
They eat thousands over this weekend.

1380
01:09:00,330 --> 01:09:02,250
I tweet the details,

1381
01:09:02,330 --> 01:09:04,850
the petition, people don't really read it.

1382
01:09:04,930 --> 01:09:07,810
It's a knee-jerk. People say, "Racist!"

1383
01:09:07,890 --> 01:09:08,770
I go, "What?"

1384
01:09:08,850 --> 01:09:11,690
They go,
"We eat pigs and cows in the West."

1385
01:09:11,770 --> 01:09:14,210
Yep, we do. I don't but, yeah, I used to.

1386
01:09:14,290 --> 01:09:16,490
You're right, a pig or a cow

1387
01:09:16,570 --> 01:09:18,250
is worth as much as a dog.

1388
01:09:18,330 --> 01:09:21,490
It's not about the species.
It's what they do to these poor dogs.

1389
01:09:21,610 --> 01:09:24,690
What they do is torture the dogs first.

1390
01:09:24,770 --> 01:09:26,850
'Cause they think
it makes the meat taste better.

1391
01:09:27,170 --> 01:09:29,570
They beat them, they blowtorch them.

1392
01:09:29,650 --> 01:09:31,330
They even skin them alive.

1393
01:09:31,410 --> 01:09:33,050
And I saw this picture...

1394
01:09:33,130 --> 01:09:35,690
on Twitter
of the opening of this ceremony.

1395
01:09:36,770 --> 01:09:39,970
These two guys, in this Chinese square,
and they're skinning this dog alive.

1396
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:43,570
It's screaming, they're laughing.
It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

1397
01:09:43,690 --> 01:09:46,050
I thought, "I've got to tweet that."

1398
01:09:46,130 --> 01:09:49,490
I tweeted the picture, with a petition,
and I just said,

1399
01:09:49,570 --> 01:09:53,730
"One beautiful creature,
and two ugly cunts, skinning it alive."

1400
01:09:53,810 --> 01:09:55,410
Right? And it took off.

1401
01:09:55,490 --> 01:09:57,330
Loads of retweets, it made the press.

1402
01:09:57,770 --> 01:10:00,770
I got one tweet back,
from a woman, that said,

1403
01:10:00,850 --> 01:10:02,410
"Is that language necessary?"

1404
01:10:09,090 --> 01:10:10,970
I should have left it, right?

1405
01:10:12,650 --> 01:10:15,050
But I was... I was incensed! I said,

1406
01:10:15,130 --> 01:10:18,330
"You're more offended by a word

1407
01:10:18,410 --> 01:10:20,770
than by an animal being
tortured to death?"

1408
01:10:20,970 --> 01:10:23,450
She said, "I just hate the C-word."

1409
01:10:24,570 --> 01:10:26,210
I definitely should have left it.

1410
01:10:27,690 --> 01:10:31,330
I sent back, "People who hate the C-word
would hear it a lot less,

1411
01:10:31,410 --> 01:10:33,810
if they didn't go round
acting like such cunts."

1412
01:10:34,210 --> 01:10:35,090
Thank you!

1413
01:10:35,170 --> 01:10:37,370
You've been fantastic! Good night!

1414
01:10:59,130 --> 01:11:01,530
Cheers! Thank you so much!

1415
01:11:04,330 --> 01:11:05,530
Thank you so much.

1416
01:11:06,170 --> 01:11:07,690
I hope you enjoyed the show.

1417
01:11:07,770 --> 01:11:09,370
I hope no-one was offended.

1418
01:11:10,010 --> 01:11:11,930
No, I really do! That's not the point.

1419
01:11:12,010 --> 01:11:13,770
I've always wanted people to know

1420
01:11:13,850 --> 01:11:15,530
they can laugh at bad things,

1421
01:11:15,610 --> 01:11:16,850
without being bad people.

1422
01:11:17,050 --> 01:11:18,530
I think it's my upbringing.

1423
01:11:18,810 --> 01:11:21,370
I grew up... in poverty, with nothing.

1424
01:11:22,090 --> 01:11:23,930
But the point was to pay your way

1425
01:11:24,010 --> 01:11:25,170
then have a laugh.

1426
01:11:25,250 --> 01:11:27,690
That was the men.
The women carried on working.

1427
01:11:32,050 --> 01:11:33,370
It was my older brother, Bob,

1428
01:11:33,450 --> 01:11:36,970
it was him who I first saw
making these dark jokes,

1429
01:11:37,050 --> 01:11:40,210
right in the bad situation,
as things were happening.

1430
01:11:41,330 --> 01:11:44,130
People were laughing.
I realized, "He's healing them."

1431
01:11:44,210 --> 01:11:46,650
That's what comedy's for,
what humor's for.

1432
01:11:46,730 --> 01:11:48,210
It gets us over bad stuff.

1433
01:11:48,290 --> 01:11:50,650
Right? Typical Bob story.

1434
01:11:51,170 --> 01:11:54,290
He once spent an hour in the pound shop

1435
01:11:54,370 --> 01:11:57,010
in Hayling Island, just asking the cashier

1436
01:11:57,090 --> 01:11:58,570
how much everything was.

1437
01:12:01,490 --> 01:12:04,250
Just to see if he could break
this poor man's will.

1438
01:12:06,850 --> 01:12:09,970
Bob was the first person I saw
answer back to authority.

1439
01:12:10,050 --> 01:12:12,770
The first authority you come across are
your parents.

1440
01:12:13,130 --> 01:12:15,530
And he'd get in trouble.
He got sent to bed.

1441
01:12:15,610 --> 01:12:17,610
But I thought he'd won the argument.

1442
01:12:17,690 --> 01:12:19,450
And he'd tease my mum.

1443
01:12:19,530 --> 01:12:22,250
My mum was a typical working-class woman.

1444
01:12:22,330 --> 01:12:25,410
As I say,
we lived in a shitty area, right?

1445
01:12:25,490 --> 01:12:28,090
And most of the houses looked like

1446
01:12:28,170 --> 01:12:32,010
a bit of mud, and a stolen bike,
and fence posts missing.

1447
01:12:32,090 --> 01:12:36,210
She mended the fence, turfed the garden
herself, painted the step.

1448
01:12:36,290 --> 01:12:39,690
She thought, "If it looked respectable,
we'd be respectable."

1449
01:12:39,930 --> 01:12:41,650
It was about reputation, I guess.

1450
01:12:41,730 --> 01:12:44,690
Bob would send her postcards
that just read,

1451
01:12:44,770 --> 01:12:47,690
"Is that pedophile postman
still reading your mail?"

1452
01:12:49,370 --> 01:12:51,090
And she'd take it, she'd go in,

1453
01:12:51,170 --> 01:12:53,570
and she'd be horrified. She'd call Bob.

1454
01:12:53,650 --> 01:12:56,210
"He saw it this time,
you must stop doing that!"

1455
01:13:04,890 --> 01:13:07,210
Even at her funeral... My mum died first,

1456
01:13:07,290 --> 01:13:09,610
and my dad carried on for a year or so,

1457
01:13:09,690 --> 01:13:11,810
just drinking beer, then he went.

1458
01:13:12,610 --> 01:13:14,970
At Mum's funeral, we had different duties.

1459
01:13:15,050 --> 01:13:16,690
I did catering and flowers.

1460
01:13:16,770 --> 01:13:18,850
Bob went to see the local vicar.

1461
01:13:18,930 --> 01:13:20,970
That was a mistake, right?

1462
01:13:22,090 --> 01:13:25,450
We'd never been to church,
he didn't know us, we didn't know him.

1463
01:13:25,530 --> 01:13:26,890
So, he said to Bob,

1464
01:13:26,970 --> 01:13:29,650
"Tell me about your mum,
so I can say a few words."

1465
01:13:29,730 --> 01:13:32,010
Bob saw that as an opportunity, right?

1466
01:13:32,970 --> 01:13:35,170
So, Bob, with a straight face, said,

1467
01:13:35,250 --> 01:13:37,450
"Well, she was a keen racist."

1468
01:13:41,090 --> 01:13:43,050
The vicar went, "I can't say that."

1469
01:13:43,130 --> 01:13:45,250
Bob said, "Okay, put she liked gardening."

1470
01:13:45,690 --> 01:13:50,730
He was trying to get the vicar to say
something to make us laugh in church.

1471
01:13:50,810 --> 01:13:52,330
He didn't warn us.

1472
01:13:52,410 --> 01:13:54,650
And he did get something by the vicar.

1473
01:13:54,730 --> 01:13:57,490
So we're called Ricky, Robert-- Bob--

1474
01:13:57,570 --> 01:14:00,090
Ricky, Robert, Marsha and Larry.

1475
01:14:00,170 --> 01:14:02,770
Now, Larry is the oldest,
in his seventies.

1476
01:14:02,850 --> 01:14:04,050
Born in the war.

1477
01:14:04,130 --> 01:14:06,770
I always thought he was the sensible one.

1478
01:14:06,890 --> 01:14:09,810
First born, weight of the world
on his shoulders.

1479
01:14:09,890 --> 01:14:11,810
My mum said, when he was a teenager,

1480
01:14:11,890 --> 01:14:14,850
he got a job and gave her
the money to help out.

1481
01:14:14,930 --> 01:14:16,930
He's a stand-up guy, Larry.

1482
01:14:17,410 --> 01:14:20,010
So, Bob... gives the vicar the wrong name.

1483
01:14:22,330 --> 01:14:24,770
Didn't warn us. We're all in church.

1484
01:14:25,650 --> 01:14:27,690
Start of the funeral, we're all there.

1485
01:14:27,770 --> 01:14:28,690
Packed out.

1486
01:14:29,130 --> 01:14:30,690
The coffin comes down.

1487
01:14:31,210 --> 01:14:32,530
Guided by the vicar.

1488
01:14:33,250 --> 01:14:34,770
The vicar goes to his pulpit.

1489
01:14:34,850 --> 01:14:37,450
All confident,
with his little notes, right?

1490
01:14:38,730 --> 01:14:39,770
And he goes...

1491
01:14:41,570 --> 01:14:44,370
Eva leaves behind four loving children.

1492
01:14:44,930 --> 01:14:45,770
Ricky.

1493
01:14:45,850 --> 01:14:46,970
Robert.

1494
01:14:47,050 --> 01:14:47,930
Marsha.

1495
01:14:48,010 --> 01:14:49,170
And Barry.

1496
01:14:50,530 --> 01:14:53,770
And... we snort like that, right?

1497
01:14:54,450 --> 01:14:55,290
Bob's going...

1498
01:14:56,810 --> 01:14:58,890
Everyone realizes. We're all laughing.

1499
01:14:58,970 --> 01:15:00,330
We see Larry go...

1500
01:15:02,970 --> 01:15:03,810
All right.

1501
01:15:05,530 --> 01:15:07,050
And the church is like...

1502
01:15:09,170 --> 01:15:10,570
Every time we thought of it,

1503
01:15:11,250 --> 01:15:12,970
we'd see Larry go...

1504
01:15:13,050 --> 01:15:14,250
Like that, right?

1505
01:15:15,170 --> 01:15:19,010
Then we'd just start giggling,
just fits of fucking giggles, right?

1506
01:15:19,450 --> 01:15:21,690
Larry eventually started doing this.

1507
01:15:23,770 --> 01:15:26,450
And the vicar's thinking,
"What have I said?" Right?

1508
01:15:27,130 --> 01:15:29,930
He'd put in a few things the vicar
didn't know

1509
01:15:30,010 --> 01:15:31,690
that set us off again.

1510
01:15:31,770 --> 01:15:34,690
Things that were just lies,
or slightly wrong.

1511
01:15:35,370 --> 01:15:37,730
My nieces and nephews started crying.

1512
01:15:37,810 --> 01:15:40,410
I'd come prepared with a pack of tissues.

1513
01:15:41,050 --> 01:15:43,690
They'd take one and hand it on.
Before the funeral,

1514
01:15:44,290 --> 01:15:45,890
I'd taken the tissues out,

1515
01:15:45,970 --> 01:15:48,850
written on them, folded them back
and put them in.

1516
01:15:48,930 --> 01:15:51,650
And each tissue said,
"Snivelling fucking bitch."

1517
01:15:53,370 --> 01:15:55,090
And they're sort of laughing.

1518
01:15:55,170 --> 01:15:57,610
So it was like a madhouse, right?

1519
01:15:57,690 --> 01:15:59,610
Everything the vicar said or did,

1520
01:15:59,690 --> 01:16:02,050
we all started fucking laughing! Right?

1521
01:16:03,490 --> 01:16:07,090
And you could see the vicar was
visibly shook a little bit.

1522
01:16:07,930 --> 01:16:11,210
He ended the funeral,
and he made a beeline for me and Bob.

1523
01:16:11,490 --> 01:16:13,450
He said, "Sorry, was that okay?"

1524
01:16:13,530 --> 01:16:16,090
Me and Bob went, "Fucking brilliant, mate.

1525
01:16:16,170 --> 01:16:17,730
It was fucking brilliant."

1526
01:16:17,810 --> 01:16:21,570
That's what I mean. We're all gonna die,
so we should have a laugh.

1527
01:16:21,650 --> 01:16:25,530
If you can laugh in the face of adversity,
you're bullet-proof.

1528
01:16:25,610 --> 01:16:28,970
Me and my brother, Bob,
had one simple rule, and that was

1529
01:16:29,050 --> 01:16:31,770
if you think of something funny,
you've got to say it.

1530
01:16:33,210 --> 01:16:34,530
Win, lose or draw.

1531
01:16:38,330 --> 01:16:39,650
It might go well...

1532
01:16:47,530 --> 01:16:48,970
it might go badly.

1533
01:16:49,050 --> 01:16:50,730
But you've gotta say it.

1534
01:16:50,810 --> 01:16:53,650
And bear that in mind,
as I leave you with this.

1535
01:16:53,730 --> 01:16:54,570
Right...

1536
01:16:57,410 --> 01:16:59,730
So... we're all in the car one day.

1537
01:16:59,810 --> 01:17:02,250
Bob's driving. Packed in this car.

1538
01:17:02,330 --> 01:17:04,170
A little day trip to the beach.

1539
01:17:04,250 --> 01:17:06,450
We get stopped for a security check.

1540
01:17:07,330 --> 01:17:09,170
And there's a British bobby there.

1541
01:17:09,250 --> 01:17:10,490
And he stops the car.

1542
01:17:10,570 --> 01:17:12,970
Bob's at the window.
He said, "Where are we off to?"

1543
01:17:13,050 --> 01:17:14,090
Bob went, "Bognor."

1544
01:17:14,170 --> 01:17:17,290
He went, "Can you just pop the boot,
please?"

1545
01:17:17,370 --> 01:17:18,770
So he looks at that.

1546
01:17:18,850 --> 01:17:20,610
Looks in the boot, like that.

1547
01:17:20,690 --> 01:17:22,290
Back to Bob's window.

1548
01:17:23,610 --> 01:17:25,650
Gets that mirror on a stick thing.

1549
01:17:25,730 --> 01:17:28,250
And he starts just looking under the car.

1550
01:17:28,330 --> 01:17:31,610
And as he does that,
his helmet falls off, right?

1551
01:17:31,690 --> 01:17:34,450
And out of the helmet falls a packet
of 20 cigarettes.

1552
01:17:34,850 --> 01:17:36,050
And the copper went,

1553
01:17:36,130 --> 01:17:39,050
"Bet you always wondered what we kept
under our helmets."

1554
01:17:39,450 --> 01:17:42,250
And Bob went,
"I knew it wasn't fucking brains."

1555
01:17:45,410 --> 01:17:47,210
You've been amazing. Good night!