1 00:00:04,462 --> 00:00:07,424 Happy first day of school breakfast! 2 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,884 This year's theme -- Second. 3 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:10,969 Guess why? 4 00:00:11,052 --> 00:00:13,596 Because the theme is always just whatever grade I'm starting? 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,432 Not true. Pre-school was "Bunnies." 6 00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:16,558 Now, sit. 7 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,351 This year, 8 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,646 we're having Stackie Robinsons 9 00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:25,316 in honor of Hall of Fame second baseman Jackie Robinson. 10 00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:27,777 I had a protein shake before my run. 11 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,154 I've been up since 5:00. 12 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:30,405 You went for a run? 13 00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:32,532 - Alone? In the dark? - Relax. 14 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:33,908 I was on the treadmill. 15 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,244 Blacktop is murder on my knees. 16 00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:38,371 Yikes. Better hit the road. 17 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:41,374 Hit the road to school, right? 18 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,959 Yeah. Where else would I be going? 19 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,837 Um, your high-powered job in advertising? 20 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,840 You haven't changed a bit. 21 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,176 Yeah. Neither have you. 22 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,845 We stopped for coffee. 23 00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:55,722 Sophie got a punch card. Her next coffee's free. 24 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:58,016 Then we listened to NPR the whole ride here. 25 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,393 It's like she went away to Lance Bass Space Camp a little girl 26 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:01,728 and came back a middle-aged commuter. 27 00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:03,021 She reminds me of my mom. 28 00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,065 Did Graham change at Lance Bass Space Camp? 29 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,483 Ask him yourself. 30 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,319 I'm a new man, W.C. 31 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,780 Check it. Ankle socks. 32 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,449 See? Sophie wants to be an emancipated minor 33 00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:16,076 and Graham's got a sock thing. 34 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,577 Change is everywhere. 35 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:20,705 So true. I don't know how I'm gonna handle 36 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,040 Jack starting pre-school. 37 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,418 Okay. Mwah. Okay. 38 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:27,754 Enjoy your first day, buddy. 39 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,255 Make me proud. 40 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:33,009 You know this school starts at kindergarten, right? 41 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,387 Huh. 42 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,728 This is Ben. 43 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,648 {\an8}He got mono and was bedridden most of August. 44 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,109 {\an8}Big Benny! 45 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:51,820 {\an8}Look at the tan on you! 46 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,196 {\an8}Ow. Geez. 47 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,323 {\an8}Someone's been working out. 48 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,826 {\an8}- Hand sanitizer. Of course. 49 00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,452 {\an8}Rory Banks, class president. 50 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,704 {\an8}Please tell Will that change is good. 51 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,832 {\an8}Uh, okay. Is this based on 52 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,458 {\an8}something you were talking about earlier, or -- 53 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,751 {\an8}You know what? I don't care. 54 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,795 {\an8}- Will, change can be good. Oh, please. 55 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:11,005 {\an8}Name one good change that's ever happened, 56 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,757 {\an8}and you can't say cucumbers into pickles. 57 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,967 {\an8} 58 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,469 {\an8}Moms, dads, and non-binary life-givers, 59 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,180 {\an8}I am Generation Z's Homily Pronstroller. 60 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,976 {\an8}I recently sold my horse-share app for enough money to take a gap year 61 00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:25,520 {\an8}teaching second grade before I run for Congress. 62 00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:27,313 {\an8}Will last year's Room Parent 63 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,525 {\an8}please raise their hand or a limb of their choosing? 64 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,610 {\an8}Hi, everyone. 65 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,780 {\an8}Listen, I know that change can be scary, okay? 66 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:39,284 {\an8}But in this topsy-turvy world, one constant remains. 67 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:43,413 {\an8}I am and forever shall remain your Room Parent. 68 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,539 {\an8}Gotcha! 69 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:50,003 {\an8}I asked you to identify yourself so as to eliminate you from contention. 70 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,087 {\an8}Here. 71 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:54,883 {\an8}It's all in the Hilltop Charter. 72 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,384 {\an8}Does it say why they named it Hilltop? 73 00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,802 {\an8}'Cause it's flat as hell around here. 74 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,220 {\an8}A new law has been passed. 75 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,765 {\an8}The Every-Other-Year Room Parent Act? 76 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,768 {\an8}"No parent of any child shall be Room Parent 77 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}for a term of two consecutive years"? 78 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,231 {\an8}So, because I was Room Parent in first grade, 79 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,442 {\an8}I can't be Room Parent in second grade? 80 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,819 So, the soonest I can be Room Parent again 81 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,112 is third grade? 82 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,199 So, for the next 365 days, 83 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,576 I have to drift through life purposeless, 84 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:25,246 my identity stripped away like so much old wallpaper? 85 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,250 Mm-hmm. Now, who is familiar with 86 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,252 how a "not it" vote works? 87 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,463 It's pretty complicated, so pay close attention -- 88 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,589 - Not it! - Not it! 89 00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:35,840 It! It! It! 90 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:39,886 Presenting your 2019-2020 Hilltop Elementary School 91 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,179 Second Grade Room Parent! 92 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,931 No, no, no! No! Not it! 93 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,891 Not it! I was in the bathroom! 94 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,434 I said "not it" in the bathroom, 95 00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:47,769 but you just didn't hear! 96 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:49,312 Not it! Not it! 97 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,647 Oh, no. 98 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,315 Did something terrible happen in politics? 99 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:53,816 Kidding. 100 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,485 You're waiting to see if Derek has written back. 101 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,111 And he has not. 102 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,697 I pour my heart out in an e-mail to Graham's dad 103 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:02,200 that it took an entire summer to break, outline, draft, 104 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:04,661 edit, polish, punch-up, spell-check, and finally send, 105 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:05,912 and what do I hear back? 106 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:06,996 Nothing. 107 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,414 And if he'd written you back, 108 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:09,499 that would have made you happy, or...? 109 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,583 Of course not. 110 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,001 Where does he get off writing me back? 111 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,212 No one refuses to even entertain the idea 112 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:15,880 of a positive outcome like you. 113 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:18,549 Thanks. I feel seen. 114 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,551 - Can I tell you guys something? - Mm. 115 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,263 Pre-school costs money, and money is the one -- 116 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,681 actually, one of the fi-- 117 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,308 eh, let's just say one of the 20 things I don't have. 118 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,437 Well, Miggy, you've been working here for almost a year with scattered success. 119 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,940 So, I guess we can talk about a raise. 120 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,485 I would love to say excitement caused that, 121 00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:38,861 - but it just slipped. - Mm. 122 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:43,408 You know, I can get Miggy a temp job, 123 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:44,993 but it would mean fewer shifts here. 124 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:46,244 Would you be okay with that? 125 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:47,704 Would I be okay with 126 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,832 not losing 50 glasses a week to Slippy Longdroppings? 127 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:53,126 With not having to sweep up a nightly trail 128 00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:54,752 of blood and broken stemware? 129 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,755 With getting out of a situation that's costing me money? 130 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,383 The answer's yes, girl. 131 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:01,467 Yeah, those are rhetorical questions. 132 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:02,885 - Oh. Ohhh. - Yeah. 133 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,804 - Hey, Miggy? - Hmm? 134 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,597 You know, if you're truly desperate for money, 135 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:07,890 I can get you a job. 136 00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:12,020 A job in the grimmest, grossest, 137 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,022 most awful place in the world. 138 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,857 So, this is where I work. 139 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,650 Now, you're gonna go through each deposition, 140 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,068 and every time you see the word 141 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,779 "propane," "rectum," 142 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:24,198 or "shards," highlight it. 143 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,367 Propane, rectum, shards. 144 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,119 Got it. Then what do I do? 145 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:29,537 You do it again. 146 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,205 And again. 147 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:34,751 Until the Earth collides with the sun and our souls are finally free. 148 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,419 Cool. 149 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:45,303 Rectum. 150 00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:47,305 Rectum. 151 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,182 Oh, sh-- 152 00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:52,268 Not shards. Nice try, sharks. 153 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,729 What a lawsuit. 154 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,105 Rectum. 155 00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:57,690 Rectum. 156 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,276 Propaaane! 157 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,905 There has to be a way to regain our rightful roles 158 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:06,115 as Not Room Parent and Room Parent. 159 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,826 I mean, the twins -- they want their space, and so do I. 160 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,703 That's why I don't volunteer at their school 161 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:14,082 and they don't work as doctors in my dermatology group. 162 00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,751 Sophie's trying to pull away, so obviously, 163 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,670 I need to be around her more, not less, right? 164 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,758 We need to create a situation where you are so negligent, 165 00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,426 Ms. Pronstroller has to remove you. 166 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:29,931 And you act so heroically that Ms. Pronstroller has to reinstate you. 167 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:31,849 Where no children are in actual danger... 168 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,102 But it sure as hell looks like they are. 169 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:37,438 Hmm, negligence, heroism, perceived danger. 170 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,607 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 171 00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:41,109 Never. 172 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,569 Next Friday's field trip to the Natural History Museum. 173 00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,571 The Room Parent has to chaperone. 174 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,492 I can be there as a private citizen, and what's less dangerous than history? 175 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,456 Gonna have to ride on a school bus, won't I? 176 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,251 Lucky. 177 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,923 We are a buddy collective, not a buddy system. 178 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:07,301 So, we're only as strong as our weakest buddy. 179 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:08,761 Do not be that buddy. 180 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,098 Will? What -- I'm o-- 181 00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,183 - Douglas! What are you -- - What are you doing here? 182 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,018 I'm just enjoying the museum and nothing else! 183 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,229 - I'm chaperoning a field trip! - Is that today? 184 00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:19,564 - I know. - I had completely forgotten! 185 00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:21,065 I-I've heard of coincidences, but this is ridiculous! 186 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,275 This is -- takes the cake. 187 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,778 Okay, let's go over the plan. 188 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:26,863 Yeah. 189 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,115 You get a kid to commit the most heinous act imaginable 190 00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:31,284 at a museum -- touching a bone. 191 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:34,829 Not a load-bearing bone, but still a bone. 192 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,081 And before the kid touches the bone, you say... 193 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,834 "Someone stop that kid. 194 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:40,960 It's my job, 195 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,337 but I'm too drunk to Room Parent today." 196 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,257 Then you will swoop in from the gift shop, 197 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,843 you will stop the kid pre-bone touch 198 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:50,094 and save the day. 199 00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,643 We heard your plan to get out of being Room Parent. 200 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,937 - It has holes. - We're not mad. 201 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,105 We understand. 202 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,859 You being here is as uncomfortable for us as it is for you. 203 00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:07,820 We can help with the plan. We're born accomplices. 204 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,281 Or we can make sure the plan goes horrible wrong. 205 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,617 We're also born saboteurs. 206 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,952 - Your move, Dad. - All right. 207 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,997 Well, look, I'm way too desperate and, frankly, 208 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,416 too proud of both of you to be angry. 209 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,293 - Way to turn the screws. - Okay. 210 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:25,796 Amy and I will find a patsy to touch a non-load-bearing bone. 211 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,798 You sit tight and practice your line. 212 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,133 Let's hear it. 213 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,886 "Someone stop that kid." 214 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,221 Little flat. 215 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,473 I don't believe you believe it. 216 00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,600 These things suck. 217 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,393 We cover a topic that should take 10 minutes, 218 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,896 except people participate for no reason 219 00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:43,356 and we're trapped here for days. 220 00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:45,608 Participation? Gross. 221 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:46,943 I'm so glad you're here. 222 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,070 Who can name a piece of technology 223 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,530 they use in their job? 224 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,366 Don't answer, people. Let her say it. Keep things moving. 225 00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:55,243 - Computers? - Printers? 226 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:58,871 Nice. Such good examples of technology, you guys. 227 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,998 But no one's guessed the piece of technology 228 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,500 we're here to talk about today. 229 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:04,585 - Are you curious what it is? - No. 230 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,880 Now, who can give me an example 231 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,091 of something we do on our phones? 232 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,218 - We talk. - We sure do, don't we? 233 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,762 What else? 234 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,681 Please take my belt and shoelaces. 235 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,391 I'm afraid of what I might do. 236 00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:19,517 We listen! 237 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,602 That's right. We listen. 238 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,312 - Miggy. - Huh? 239 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,232 Swear to me that you just said that to keep things moving. 240 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:27,942 Swear to me you're not enjoying this. 241 00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:29,026 I-I'm not. 242 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,153 I hate it just like you. I mean, listen to her. 243 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,406 Every effective work-related voicemail 244 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:34,657 begins with three things -- 245 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:38,536 your full name, your extension, and a brief ice-breaker 246 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,746 about a relatable topic like the weather. 247 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,040 What kind of dumb-dumb leaves a voicemail like that? 248 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,298 I don't know why 249 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,300 that exhibit was recommended for 16 and up. 250 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,760 I mean, I learned a lot. 251 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,555 What are you doing here? You're not the Room Parent. 252 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,932 I am here as a private citizen. 253 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,184 The fact that we're here on the same day -- 254 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,728 total coincidence. 255 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,106 Is that a new sweatshirt? 256 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,484 What happened to the sweatshirt you left the house in? 257 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,237 It's not really me anymore, so I donated it. 258 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,905 For tax purposes. 259 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,868 Who's the patsy? 260 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:26,584 Someone stop that kid! 261 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:30,129 It's my job, but I'm too drunk to Room Parent today! 262 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,762 But I left an encouraging note in that sweatshirt. 263 00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:40,514 Was it different than the encouraging note in my shoe? 264 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,141 They were similar, but of a piece. 265 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,067 I said, "Someone stop that kid! 266 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:54,528 It's my job, but I'm too drunk to Room Parent today!" 267 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,239 Hey, what has gotten into you? You've been so different 268 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,949 ever since you got back from space camp. 269 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,034 Why is -- 270 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,494 Graham so close to that dinosaur? 271 00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:02,662 Great question. 272 00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:06,082 Wait, what's "load-bearing"? 273 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,166 Oh, well. 274 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,391 Go! Go, go, go! Get out of here! Kids, run! 275 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,645 Ange, you know why I'm here. 276 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:28,938 No. 277 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:31,857 But I'm not questioning it, like when one roll of toilet paper 278 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,275 says it equals four rolls of toilet paper. 279 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,486 Like, what am I gonna do? Unroll it and measure? 280 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,613 Thank you for giving me the same benefit of the doubt 281 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,948 that you give toilet paper. 282 00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,284 But no. I'm here because I got a voicemail from Miggy. 283 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,995 He's quitting the Winebrary because he loves working here. 284 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,539 Boing, boing, ding, dong, dooey. 285 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,207 See? I can talk nonsense, too. 286 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,458 Miggy's a creative spirit. 287 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,669 I mean, he needs the flexibility of the Winebrary 288 00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:53,003 while he follows his dreams, 289 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,673 be it Beach Sneaks or Swimming Jeans 290 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:58,884 or Scareskunk -- the scarecrow for skunks. 291 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,386 Relax, okay? 292 00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:02,304 I-I promise, Miggy hates it here. 293 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,265 No. Listen to this voicemail. 294 00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:06,559 Hello, this is Miggy LeFassbender Park. 295 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,436 Extension 6921. 296 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,646 Can you believe this humidity? Whew! 297 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,358 His full name, extension number, 298 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:15,901 and a brief ice-breaker 299 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,945 about a relatable topic like the weather. 300 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,572 Yeah? W-What does that mean? 301 00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,699 It means follow me and pray we're not too late. 302 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,453 Well, I've got bad news for VH1, 303 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:28,080 'cause there's a new Best Week Ever. 304 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,082 And it's the one I just had here! 305 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,626 Hey! Hey! Oh! 306 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,337 Give me some! Give me some! 307 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,676 Hey, it happens. 308 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,928 I fought the bones, and the bones won. 309 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,848 Well, I just spoke to Principal Biscuits, 310 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:49,727 and he said that despite what transpired today, 311 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:50,936 future accounts... 312 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,273 shall remember Douglas as a hero. 313 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:59,320 Because people drink, kids touch things, skeletons fall. 314 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,447 But Douglas kept his cool, 315 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:04,283 and that -- that's what a real Room Parent does. 316 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,659 No! 317 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,244 What a real Room Parent does 318 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,913 is takes their case straight to the top! 319 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,207 Okay, easy. These kids are still skittish. 320 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,958 You have to know that your excited voice 321 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,085 sounds exactly like giant clattering bones. 322 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,296 Straight to the top. 323 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,925 I'm being briefed by the Joint Line-Leaders in five minutes. 324 00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,385 You have four. Make them count. 325 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,970 All right, look, Rory, here's the deal -- 326 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,555 We need a favor, okay? 327 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,766 Amend Hilltop's charter so that -- 328 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,226 I've already done a favor. 329 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,393 Over the summer, 330 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,021 I received a postcard from a constituent asking me to pass 331 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,398 the Every-Other-Year Room Parent Act. 332 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,068 So, I did. That was the favor. 333 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,403 Who was the constituent? 334 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,822 I've been sworn to secrecy. 335 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:45,908 But this is too Shakespearean to pass up. 336 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:47,785 Sophie. 337 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:49,912 Nairobi. 338 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:51,747 Cooper. 339 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,125 That was a really insensitive way of delivering that news. 340 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,129 W-Why do you care if I quit the Winebrary? 341 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,799 Remember all the stuff you caught me doing when we were on Undercover Boss? 342 00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:04,552 Okay, again, we were never on Undercover Boss. 343 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:05,761 I just wore a hat that day. 344 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:09,014 Poppy, the Winebrary gave me time to follow my dreams, 345 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,474 but I've found something better -- 346 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,893 the joy of mindless busy work. 347 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:16,063 When I was developing Scareskunk, there was always more I could be doing. 348 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,731 But now, I leave work at 5:00 349 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,733 and don't think about it until 9:00 the next day. 350 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,819 And I can be 100% present with Jack. 351 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:23,904 You leave Jack out of this. What about the small talk? 352 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,364 -Yeah! - I love it. 353 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,741 The small talk is the busy work of conversation. 354 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,703 Look, Miggy, this isn't just about you following your dreams. 355 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,580 I miss you. 356 00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,124 You were always there when I needed to talk. 357 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,542 I'll still be there. 358 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,377 I do live upstairs from you. 359 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,546 True. 360 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:42,840 Okay. 361 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,175 Then you're fired. 362 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,136 Thank you. I'll never forget this. 363 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,139 Must be nice to wrap everything up in a bow, 364 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,765 but can we get back to my thing now? 365 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:55,144 Miggy, if you love it here so much, why did you pretend to hate it? 366 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:58,188 Because you hated it here. I'm an empath, girl. 367 00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,940 And Poppy told me it's just easier. 368 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,652 Yes, okay. 369 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,655 Sometimes I pretend to hate the things that you hate 370 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,324 because it's the cost of doing business, 371 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,868 the business here being staying friends with you. 372 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,661 O-O-Okay. 373 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,039 There's only one way to save this friendship, 374 00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:17,625 and it's as follows. 375 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,710 Eh -- Quittin' time. 376 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:20,961 Let's pick this up first thing Monday. 377 00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:22,546 All right. Bye-bye. 378 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,716 So, it might not have totally been a coincidence, 379 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:27,384 me being at the museum today. 380 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:30,512 - I'm sorry. - Don't be. 381 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:34,058 It was good we had an extra pair of hands to drag Ms. Pronstroller out 382 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,310 from underneath the Tyrannosaurus pelvis. 383 00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:40,356 True, but I need to stop fighting the fact that you're growing up 384 00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,108 and give you the lowercase space you deserve, 385 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:45,778 because I know Lance Bass uppercase Space Camp 386 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,988 made you realize that having me around all the time 387 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,865 might not be so great. 388 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,033 No. 389 00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:53,786 Lance Bass... uppercase Space Camp 390 00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,705 made me realize that you being around all the time is... 391 00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:58,791 too great. 392 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,251 20 seconds to impact. 393 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,462 Still waiting on your orders, Captain Cooper. 394 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,590 Do I deactivate the atmospheric shield or not? 395 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,842 If you deactivate the shield, 396 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,095 every last molecule of oxygen escapes 397 00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:14,348 and the terra-forming colony will die! 398 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:17,309 If I don't deactivate it, you'll incinerate on impact, 399 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,062 sacrificing yourself, your crew, 400 00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:22,564 and your priceless cargo of frozen seeds. 401 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:25,109 We gave those terra-formers our word! 402 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,111 They knew what they were signing up for! 403 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,155 If I just had more time! 404 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,282 10 seconds to impact. 405 00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,784 There is no more time. 406 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:35,119 This is your mission. 407 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,370 What do you want to do? 408 00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:43,877 {\an8}♪♪ 409 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:47,840 {\an8}♪♪ 410 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:54,138 What do you want to do? 411 00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,559 I want to call my dad! 412 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,813 Impact achieved. 413 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,900 Simulated fatality rate -- 100%. 414 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,903 Simulated victims are as follows -- 415 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,114 {\an8}First Officer Adrita Anderson, 416 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,284 {\an8}Age 9, Westlake Village, California; 417 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:19,496 {\an8}Chaplain Father Albert Andrews, Age 10, Butte, Montana; 418 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,249 Embedded Journalist Amy Andrews, 419 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:24,918 Age 8, Hilton Head, South Carolina... 420 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,211 Why couldn't it have been me? 421 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,588 Why? 422 00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:30,340 Those people had families, damn it! 423 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,890 Hey, Soph, unstrap yourself and get down here. 424 00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:40,059 We're gonna be late for Cabaret tryouts. 425 00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,606 I should have been there. 426 00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:48,442 I could have been there, by your side, like always. 427 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:52,780 No, you couldn't have. It's a child-sized simulator. 428 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,657 And you shouldn't have. 429 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,534 You not being there for once 430 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,995 made me realize what an amazing dad you are, 431 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,540 and it made me realize that I can do more on my own. 432 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,043 I liked your first realization better. 433 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:12,883 I decided then and there, as those 981 names scrolled by, 434 00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,676 that I wasn't gonna let another 435 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,430 single simulated child astronaut die on my watch, 436 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,682 and that, as much as I loved you 437 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:22,976 and as much as I missed you, 438 00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:27,439 I was gonna prove to myself that I didn't need you. 439 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:30,192 So, for the next 12 weeks -- 440 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,568 12 weeks? 441 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:34,905 There are 12 weeks after the activity you just described? 442 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,615 That wasn't, like, a final project? 443 00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,284 That was orientation. Lance is all business. 444 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,954 But thanks to his controversial methods, 445 00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,206 by the time the summer was almost over, 446 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,500 I had never felt more independent. 447 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,419 And you knew that once you were back at school, 448 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:52,339 I'd be there Room-Parent-ing my butt off. 449 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:54,550 Message received. 450 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,469 This year, my butt stays on. 451 00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:58,720 Deal? 452 00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:04,560 Now, I want you to tell me all about this independent summer, 453 00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,687 you Outward Bound pamphlet come to life. 454 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:09,189 - I can take it. - You sure? 455 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:12,151 - Bring it. - I did Sprite. 456 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,113 That's independent. 457 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,824 Then traded my night-light for lip gloss. 458 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,993 So independent. 459 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,537 Which led to me tinkering with my bedtime -- 460 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,122 So, how did your body find a rhythm? I'm sorry. 461 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,874 That's all I can take right now. I'll show myself out. 462 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,709 I'm sorry I made you feel like 463 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,627 you had to hate things just because I do. 464 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:31,712 Th-That's unfair. 465 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:34,756 People should experience the joy of getting to negativity on their own, 466 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,842 and if they never get there, great. 467 00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:39,511 And if Miggy loves temping, good for him. 468 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,263 Yeah, I've never seen him happier. 469 00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:44,349 He's here with your entire office. 470 00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:46,810 I'm coming down there, right now, 471 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:50,063 and I'm going to be positive. 472 00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:51,231 It's been a while, though. 473 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,566 Do people still say, "Boffo"? 474 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:55,235 Okay, do not come to my place of business and say, "Boffo." 475 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,280 And I am at least going to entertain the possibility 476 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,199 of a positive outcome with Derek, 477 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,909 which means letting him go. 478 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,161 If you can do it with Miggy, I can do it with Derek. 479 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,121 I mean, it's not the same thing, but what the hell. 480 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,372 See you soon. 481 00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:15,380 "Need to discuss non-age-appropriate 482 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,424 mass-casualty flight simulation game 483 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:18,967 we paid good money for ASAP." 484 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,261 Will. 485 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,352 First of all, rock-solid e-mail. 486 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,811 Derek. 487 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:37,069 And then Graham was all, "Rib! Rib! Vertebrae!" 488 00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,112 What an amateur. 489 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,198 Act like you've been there before, dude. 490 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,036 So... 491 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,330 we've been thinking about this a lot. 492 00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:52,042 {\an8}And as much as we like making fun of everybody for you... 493 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:55,379 {\an8}It's more fun making fun of everybody with you. 494 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,256 {\an8}So... 495 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,510 {\an8}How did you get this? 496 00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,136 {\an8}- Don't ask. Don't ask. 497 00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,180 {\an8}Oh, boy. 498 00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,933 {\an8}Okay, back to the kids' table. 499 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:15,232 {\an8}♪♪ 500 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:18,360 {\an8}♪♪