This is exciting!
First practice of the season for the Gators!
L.A. youth soccer's premier team...for fun!
I know I'm excited. By the look of it,
you guys are a version
- of excited, too. - (yawns)
Now, I know we didn't have the most wins last season.
- We had zero. - That is true. That is accurate.
It's an actual number. We had zero wins.
But guess what. I don't care. 'Cause I'm all about
having fun and celebrating the kinetic energy of life, right?
So I want you to get up, get on that field,
and, guys, just be kind to yourselves, okay?
"No pressure" on three. One, two, three!
- WILL: No pressure! - (meekly) No pressure.
Alright, let's get up and kick the ball around, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
- (indistinct conversations) - Dad, come on.
What's with the entire "winning doesn't matter" thing?
You can't possibly believe that.
Uh, get to know me. Will Cooper, your biological and day-to-day father.
I don't give a beaver's dam about winning.
All I care about is fun, sportsmanship,
and making memories with my daughter
I can use at my speech at her wedding, alright?
Now, come on. Hit me with that Gator shake.
(grunting)
In case you were wondering, that moment did not go well.
Rory! Poppy! Did you come to cheer us on to start off the season?
No. Does anyone come to cheer the team on at practice?
We do have our die-hards.
Let the games begin.
Oh. Hey, Ror, will you give me and Will a minute?
Sure. I'll go grab a drink and a nibble.
Will, where is the café?
Uh, this is a soccer field.
Cute how you think that means something to me.
POPPY: (chuckles) Hey, I was wondering.
Is there any room on the team for Rory?
Rory? Does he do...sports?
Oh, never. But I think being on a team will be good for him.
Now that he's class president, he's become too self-involved.
Last week, he had a self-portrait commissioned.
- I gotta balance that out. - Okay.
Well, all I ask is that he care a little.
I mean, team morale is kinda low.
(girl grunts)
We...suck.
So, is that a yes?
He's on the team? I need him to be on the team.
Yes, he's on the team.
Oh, thank you! And, by the way,
don't feel like you have to play him right away.
He's literally never kicked a ball in his life.
Ew! Get that thing away from me!
♪♪
(children gasp)
Did I just do a soccer?
♪♪
- Hello, Angie. - (screams) I'll kill you!
Sorry. Reflex. (sweetly) Hi.
- You like living in my sauna? - Like it?
Graham and I love it.
Our pores are so open, I'm afraid our souls will escape.
Enough of the small talk.
I'm here as your landlord to, uh, report an incident.
♪♪
How was your day?
So, Graham asked you how your day was.
How is that an incident?
I'm an American man!
I go into the world and I suffer through my day
with the understanding that when I return at home,
my suffering is going to be rewarded in three ways --
a Scotch,
a JAG rerun that I haven't seen in a while,
and silence.
That ship's sailed, buddy.
You took us in in our time of need.
Graham is basically your shelter dog.
Yeah, well, you know what? I don't want a shelter dog.
No one really does. But now you got one.
And he's gonna follow you around, talk to you.
You have kids. Don't they talk to you?
We live by a shared code
of mutual disinterest in each other's lives.
That's weird, man.
But this is Graham. He's sweet.
He's like if a cinnamon bun wanted to give you a hug.
He just wants to be close to you.
See it as a nice thing.
Nah. If you want to keep living here,
you're gonna have to tell him to give me my personal space.
And while you're at it, let him know to keep his hands
off my Raisinets.
Those are my JAG snacks.
Hey. I -- I'm sorry.
I will definitely talk to him.
(sighs)
Keep buyin' 'em if you want, old man.
I'll just steal 'em again.
SOPHIE: Dad, check it out!
BOTH: ♪ You're so bad, we're so good ♪
♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood ♪
(cheers and applause)
Oh, my God. I just got a thumbs up.
That's like the universal symbol for "I love you, Daddy.
Because of you, I'm confident enough
- to never date a bad man." - Ohh.
It's all because of Rory.
Well, who knew he'd be so good at sports?
I mean, he still calls basketball "the orange one."
- (laughs) - Now look at him.
Gosh. He's doing the Gator chant.
Ooh! He's a team player. My plan is working.
I mean, because of him, we actually have a fighting chance
- at the tournament this weekend. - Mm-hmm.
Uh, which reminds me -- I need a copy of
- Rory's birth certificate. - Birth certificate?
- For a kids' soccer league? - Yeah, just to prove his age.
'Cause it's a 9-and-under league.
Oh. Well, you know Rory. He's 9. We good?
No, actually. League policy.
If I don't have a copy of his birth certificate,
Rory can't play.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Well, I mean, if you must know,
that document has been lost in a -- a mudslide.
- You were in a mudslide? - Mm-hmm.
Or was it a hurricane? Hurricane...Edith.
Yes. I'm surprised you don't remember, Will.
You're a weatherman. Shame on you.
So, you lost Rory's birth certificate
in a hurricane that hit Louisiana in 1971?
Come at a weatherman...
ya best not miss.
- (fingers snapping) - Stay...tuned...for...traffic.
Okay, it was a fire, and the, um --
Poppy, what's going on?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Rory isn't 9. He's 10.
- No, he's not. - Yes, he is.
Wait. So the Ryan Murphy-themed birthday party for a 9-year-old I went to
was actually a Ryan Murphy-themed birthday party for a --
A 10-year-old, yeah.
'Cause he wasn't turning 9. He was actually turning --
10. 10.
Oh, my God. Rory's 10?!
He's 10. And he doesn't know. He doesn't know his real age.
Okay. Okay.
(chuckles) Okay. Okay.
- It's not okay. - No.
Hey. What are you doing?
- Waiting by the door. - For what?
When Douglas comes home, I thought maybe we'd hang.
Throw back some root beer, play some Twister.
- See where the night takes us. - You know, as much as
I'd pay to see that, we should talk.
Buddy. I think you need to give Douglas some space.
- Why? - Because he's not normal.
And he's from a generation
where it was okay to give your children to firefighters.
But, you know, we're his guests, and if we want to stay here,
we have to respect his particular way of living.
But I care about Douglas.
How am I supposed to pretend that I don't?
(door opens)
Oh, great. People.
Doug...las.
Evenin'.
And to you.
Did I do good, Mom?! Was I coldhearted enough?
Oh, buddy. You were great.
But I have so many questions.
He had a soup stain on his shirt. How did it get there?
Was it a "cream of," and if so, of what?
My guess is he was eating soup while wearing a shirt.
End of story.
So, I'm just supposed to leave him alone?
Show no interest?
Pretty much.
Well, today I've learned a valuable lesson --
if you care about someone, keep it to yourself.
Mom...how do I learn to be dead inside like you?
(sighs) Buddy. Uh...
I'll tell you one day. But not today, okay?
Forget what I said. You just --
Don't change who you are. Be yourself.
Even if that means annoying the crap out of Douglas.
- You mean it, Mom? - Yes! Ohh!
That giant'll just have to deal with it.
He's not the only giant in the house.
I'm feeling 10 feet tall!
Douglas! Douglas, where are you?!
♪♪
Well, we had a good run.
I'll miss you, rich guy's house.
I can't believe it. Rory is 10?!
Okay, okay. Keep your voice down, alright?
Nobody knows this except, well, me, Ron,
our pediatrician, and Miggy.
- Miggy knows? - Yeah.
You know we like to share secrets through the vent.
Okay, I'll say it. I've never washed my jeans.
Yeah, well, you think that's bad?
- Rory doesn't know his real age. - What?
Okay, I'm very jealous of vent time and want in somehow,
but I -- I still don't understand.
I know it's hard to believe,
but Rory was really small for his age.
He just -- He fit in better with the younger kids,
- so I held him back. - Okay, but why lie about it?
Because I didn't want him to have the stigma of being left back.
I mean, I was gonna tell him down the line,
but now I am in deep.
I mean, this is like (sighs) when I got bangs.
I've had bangs. This is nothing like that.
But I'm sorry you've had to carry this around with you.
- It's a lot. - Thank you for saying that.
But as much as I hate to say it, Rory can't play on the Gators.
You know our team motto -- "We don't cheat."
No. Sorry. That's it. There's no spin or anything.
No, I get it, I get it. And it just sucks,
especially considering how being on a winning team
has brought you and Sophie closer.
Yeah, it has, but... I guess that goes away.
- Or does it...? - Poppy?
Look, you and Sophie can have a whole winning season.
Imagine. State playoffs in Sacramento.
You and her, sharing a hotel room.
You send her down the hallway to get ice all by herself
because you trust her.
- She'd feel so empowered. - Exactly.
And all you have to do is keep a teeny, tiny secret.
Dad, come see what we did to the Gator chant!
Rory says he knows a Laker girl who can dance it out!
So cool! I'll be right there, honey!
- Alright. I'm in. - (exhales sharply)
Don't look down, Pop-pop.
I'm a bad bitch now.
Ooh! Yes, Lizzo.
♪♪
(children shouting)
Alright. Game day. Sophie, how we doing?
- We're gonna win! - (laughs)
We're gonna get so much ice in Sacramento!
- What? - (scoffs) You'll see.
WILL: Poppy, are we really doing this?
- Are you cracking? - Of course I'm cracking!
Relax, okay? Will, all you got to do is keep the secret in your mouth,
and keep your mouth...shut.
We have the makings of a solid death pact.
(whistle blows)
♪ And a man's got to learn to take it ♪
♪ Try to believe while the going gets rough ♪
Rory! Come on!
♪ That you gotta hang tough to make it ♪
♪ Never doubt that you're the one ♪
♪ And you can have your dreams ♪
♪ You're the best around ♪
- (cheers and applause) - Yeah!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ You're the best around ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
Take a load off. I made lunch.
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ Down ♪
(grunting)
♪ Fight till the end, 'cause your life will depend ♪
♪ On the strength that you have inside you ♪
- (cheers and applause) - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
MAN: The Gators are unstoppable!
Yeah! Uh-huh.
- ♪ Try your best to win them all ♪ - Rory. Rory!
- RORY: Yeah! - ♪ One day time will tell ♪
♪ When you're the one that's standing there ♪
Need a caddy? Want to hit the green?
- ♪ You're the best around ♪ - Come on! Get 'em!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ You're the best around ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
♪ You're the best around ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
G-o-o-o-o!
♪♪
Yeah! Yeah!
- (cheers and applause) - Yeah!
- Aaaah! - (laughs)
♪♪
Ye-a-a-a-ah!
WILL: Ye-a-a-a-ah! (laughs)
Yes! Yes! Yeah!
- Whoo! - Yaaah!
MAN: The Gators are headed for the championship!
Ye-a-a-a-ah!
GRAHAM: Hey. Douglas?
I've been trying to figure this thing out,
and it's nothing like tying your shoes.
You got a minute?
No, no. I-I don't have a minute.
- Okay. I'll come back later. - No, no! No, no.
Don't -- Don't -- Don't come back.
Come on. What is it with you, kid?
What do you want to hang out with an old man for, anyway, huh?
Because I care about you.
Let me release you from that obligation.
That is the greatest gift that one person can give to another.
Just because we live under the same roof,
we're still in this alone, okay?
- What's "this"? - This.
This! Life! It's all pointless!
You want to know how to get through it?
- (hands clap) - It's every man for himself!
You better learn that.
- What's going on? - It's okay, Mom.
I'm gonna go tell Mr. Roar that nothing matters.
Attaboy.
What is the matter with you?
How can you talk to Graham like that?
Look, I've already told you, I like my space.
I gave you fair warning. What do you want me to do?
Did you have to yell at him? Can't you just do what I do --
pretend you have to go to the bathroom
and then hang out in there for like an hour?
Or -- radical thought --
give in and spend some time with him.
You're his family. What does he want from me?
Wild guess -- a male role model.
(scoffs) Graham's never lived with a man before.
So maybe he was hoping to do some guy things,
like call a boat a "she"
or go shopping for jeans at Costco or whatever the hell you men do!
- (sighs) - And, by the way,
Graham does think of you as his family.
But apparently you're just our landlord.
And since we're just your tenants,
we may as well live somewhere that's safer for Graham...
and less damp for me.
W-- H--
(rattling)
♪♪
Sonuvabitch. I knew it.
Tony, hide the Whoppers!
- (cheers and applause) - WILL: Go get 'em, Rory!
Here we go now. (laughing) Oh!
Yeah, Rory!
Yeah! Take 'em! Take 'em! Get 'em!
Oh, no! Come on, ref! Watch this kid's hands!
- Playing dirty! - (whistle blows)
Coach, what is that?! You wanna control your players here?!
Nice. Alright. Rory!
Alright. Listen up.
I want you to kick that ball through that kid's chest.
But I thought soccer wasn't about winning or losing.
(both laugh)
WILL: He got jokes. He got jokes.
- God, we have fun. - We sure do.
Alright. Come on.
- (hands clapping) - Hey, Will.
So, we're up 24-0.
Why don't you let someone else take the penalty kick?
Are you kidding? I want a blowout.
I want a soccer journal in Brazil writing an article
wondering if I went too far.
Rory's gonna kill that kid.
I saw him try to pick a dandelion earlier,
and he couldn't rip it from the ground.
(inhaler hisses)
Then he shouldn't be on the field.
Rory's my kid, and I want him out.
(imitates buzzer) When he's on this field, he's my kid!
Alright, Rory! Let's send this kid on an ambulance ride, huh?
Okay, look, that's it. Rory, you're out. Let's go.
WILL: Poppy, Poppy, you can't be on the field.
Poppy! Poppy, what are you doing?
We're leaving. Come on.
N-No. No. No way.
There is still whoop-ass left in this can.
Beat it, Poppy.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
It's not my fault I'm the strongest and best kicker on this team.
They need me. I am special.
You're not special, okay? You're 10!
- (all gasping) - What?
(all murmuring)
POPPY: You're not 9. You're 10. And you're too old for this league.
Well, this is shocking!
Sophie, get in the car.
I did not know about this!
Sophie, I'm serious. Get in the car, okay?
Coach Floyd, did you know about this?
'Cause if you did, you are screwed!
Sophie, run!
(crowd murmuring)
♪♪
Hey, baby. How you doing?
How do you think? I'm 10.
I turned double digits, and I didn't even know it.
You know how excited I was for my 10th birthday.
Why else would I be cultivating nine Rory look-alikes?
Honey, I am so sorry. Ugh.
God, I wasn't thinking about any of this that day at the playground.
Was that the day you decided to ruin my life?
You were just a toddler,
and some kids were picking on you for being small.
(chuckling) Small? I am huge!
I got a free coffee at Dunkin' because they thought that I was a cop!
I know, baby, but you weren't then.
You were itty bitty with big ol' eyes and a crooked smile.
And some kids were calling you names,
so I stepped in and I yelled at them in a way that --
(inhales sharply) Whoo!
I won't tell you all the details,
but I was escorted from the playground that day.
- Poppy, you animal. - (chuckles)
Later, I was talking to your dad, and I was stressing about
what would happen when I couldn't be there.
I wanted you to have an edge.
You were already dealing with so much --
parents whose marriage was hanging by a thread,
not to mention just being a black boy in America.
I had hoped it would make you confident.
Well, it worked. I love myself.
But all this time, I thought it was because I was special.
But, really, I'm just old.
Hey.
Rory Denzel Banks.
I don't care what age you are.
You are special.
Maybe, these days, a little too special.
Getting elected Class President really went to your head.
Alright. I'll tone it back.
But I just don't know how to face my friends.
They all know, Mom. It's embarrassing.
MIGGY: I'm sorry, Rory!
We just did what we thought was best!
Miggy! Go to sleep!
MIGGY: Is Jack down there?
♪♪
RORY: I just feel like I'm done with Nicole Kidman.
- ALL: Surprise! - WILL: Happy birthday!
(laughter)
- And look who's here. - (gasps) My look-alikes!
- POPPY: Hi! - RORY: This is amazing!
- Hi, guys! - Happy 10th birthday, baby.
Thanks.
- Birthday man! - Hey, double digits!
- Hey, old man! - So, you're 10, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so. - Dude, that's so cool!
Really? You don't think of me as old?
Like some early-morning mall-walker in pants up to my nips?
What? No! You're double digits. That's rad.
Take it easy, Cooper.
He's the same kid, just a little closer to death.
Sophie. Hey.
I just want to apologize to you for losing my mind earlier.
I guess I just can't handle winning.
Though, in my defense, I had never done it before.
Well, it was kind of fun to see you like that.
- Yeah. - There was only one time
where I had to lie and pretend you weren't my dad.
(laughs) That's good.
Well, I definitely loved spending so much time with you.
And if you're cool with it, I'd love to keep that going,
even if we never win again.
♪♪
I knew this whole time and didn't tell a soul.
I feel like that should be more of a headline.
I've grown bored of you, Miggy.
♪♪
So. (sighs) You moved out, huh?
Almost. All our stuff is still in my car.
And some of your stuff that I took with us.
Alright, look. Enough with the dramatics. Just move back in.
Are you gonna apologize to Graham?
We Fogertys, we don't do a lot of apologizing.
We're not a warm people.
I blame Mother. And the Buffalo winters.
But mostly Mother. Dreadful woman.
♪♪
Alright. I can try to do better.
Where is he?
♪ Like we got no problems ♪
♪ Like a freight train, ain't no stoppin' ♪
Hey, kid. You know, you, uh...
You asked me something the other day, and I --
Well, I -- I really didn't answer.
I'll tell you what. Stand up.
Now turn around.
Okay. Now, here's the key.
You want to make sure that the thick end
is about 5 inches lower than the thin end.
You wrap it once...
- I gotta know. - Yeah?
You had soup on your shirt yesterday.
What's the story?
Well, I got a to-go soup at work,
and they didn't put the top on properly,
and it spilled everywhere.
(sighs) That's a bummer, man.
Yeah. Yeah, it was.
Ever since they changed over to those eco-friendly lids,
well, the whole place has gone to hell.
Now, see what I did with the thicker one?
I put it through the loop that we made,
down in front of the thin end...
(gasps)
And...
Look at that. Huh?
- (sighs) - Look at you.
Look at me.
Thanks, Douglas.
You got it, kid.
God, that's cute.
(crunching)
♪ Just give it to me ♪
I'm sorry I tried to use your son to win back
- my daughter's love. - I'm sorry, too.
I don't think either one of us were prepared
for the dark underbelly of 9-and-under youth soccer.
Well, at least we still have our die-hards.
Sport!
- You see her, too, right? - Uh-huh.
And she's not the only weirdo.
- I'm still coming to every game. - Mm.
Gotta come out and support the assistant coach.
Remember -- the name of the game is teamwork!
Now watch and learn!
(whistle blows twice)
Five, six, seven, eight!
♪ You're so bad, we're so good ♪
♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood ♪
- Uh, so, when do they do soccer? - We don't.
No, we're just basically an outdoor dance troupe in cleats now.
CHILDREN: ♪ Welcome to the Gator-hood! ♪
If you'll excuse me, I have to be thrown into the air.