1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:02,293 (bell rings) 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,671 And there you have it, folks. 3 00:00:04,754 --> 00:00:06,548 A laminated piece of paper. 4 00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:09,092 A++ math test not included. 5 00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,011 PRONSTROLLER: Thank you, Sophie. 6 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,555 Couldn't you bring something normal to Show and Tell? 7 00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:14,973 Yeah, like a ham. 8 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:17,142 How is a ham normal? 9 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:18,560 Nice comeback, Miss Perfect. 10 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,061 I'm not perfect. 11 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,397 Uh, Graham, you're up. 12 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,065 (exhales sharply) 13 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:27,694 Wait till you see what I found in Douglas' study. 14 00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:30,196 Hang on to your butts, my babies. 15 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,906 I got a hot potato. 16 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:36,077 As some of you may know, my house recently burned down. 17 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,538 ALL: Oooh. 18 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:42,292 And afterwards, I began living in an old man's sauna. 19 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,668 ALL: Oooh. 20 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,879 Graham, I don't have space to take that on emotionally. 21 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:48,214 My bad, Ms. Pronstroller. 22 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:53,261 Anyway, I ended up finding this box in his private study. 23 00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:57,098 What you're about to see is scary, confusing, 24 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,433 and -- at least in my case -- 25 00:00:58,516 --> 00:01:01,728 might make you faint and wake up in the backyard. 26 00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:03,855 ♪♪ 27 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:06,775 (students murmuring) 28 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,569 So... 29 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:14,240 - (speaking indistinctly) - No. No. No! 30 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,909 No! No! N-- 31 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,078 (school bell rings) 32 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,412 You ever think how lucky we are 33 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,914 to be living in Southern California? 34 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:22,415 This school's on a fault line. 35 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,375 The slightest tremor, the earth will swallow our children. 36 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:25,502 ANGIE: Douglas! 37 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,796 Care to explain this? 38 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:30,340 Okay. Porn. Porn on the playground. Porn on the playground. 39 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:31,591 Children! 40 00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,927 ♪ And we're looking over here ♪ 41 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,637 ♪ And we're looking over here ♪ 42 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,807 ♪ Whatever you do, don't stop looking over here ♪ 43 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:42,560 ♪♪ 44 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,728 (wolf-whistle) 45 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,064 {\an8}You know, this is all your fault, Douglas! 46 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,274 {\an8}Why would you have your smut lying around our house?! 47 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,693 {\an8}My house. And I should be the angry one. 48 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,487 {\an8}These magazines were near-mint, 49 00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:56,116 {\an8}and now Graham got his Cheeto-dust fingers all over them. 50 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,492 {\an8}Now the whole collection's worthless. 51 00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,703 {\an8}Keep your porn on a thumb drive 52 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,122 {\an8}hidden in a ziplock bag submerged in shampoo 53 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,248 {\an8}like a normal person. 54 00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:06,584 {\an8}I'm too rich to be aroused by digital pornography. 55 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,461 {\an8}A-A-And what kind of parent doesn't know 56 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,547 {\an8}what their kid's hoarding in their backpack? 57 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:11,881 {\an8}A bad one! 58 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,716 {\an8}Wait, no. I accidentally walked into that. 59 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,051 {\an8}No, take back! Take back! 60 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,887 {\an8}Don't make me out to be a bad mom, Douglas. 61 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,973 {\an8}He found your nudie mags, 62 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,642 {\an8}and now he needs me to talk him through what they all mean. 63 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:24,435 {\an8}That's right, you jerks. 64 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:28,189 {\an8}I am going to give him The Talk. 65 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,527 {\an8}- (door closes) - Watch and learn, Douglas. 66 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,698 {\an8}Mom...am I a criminal? 67 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:40,368 {\an8}Ms. Pronstroller said I'm a pornography distributor. 68 00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:41,911 {\an8}Technically, yes, I guess, 69 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,080 {\an8}but, you know, she's a public schoolteacher. 70 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,541 {\an8}(scoffs) What's so great about her life? 71 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:47,917 {\an8}GRANT: Why am I in trouble? 72 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,836 {\an8}Are naked women bad? 73 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,547 {\an8}How else does the stork know where to put the baby? 74 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:53,631 {\an8}Excuse me? 75 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:54,716 {\an8}Keep up, Dubs. 76 00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:56,467 {\an8}Storks fly around at night, 77 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,511 {\an8}and if you're laying down and making a lot of noise, 78 00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,596 {\an8}they give you a baby. 79 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,514 {\an8}(sighs) Sweetie, let's go home 80 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,808 {\an8}and have a mother-son conversation. 81 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,685 {\an8}I'm gonna stop you right there. 82 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,021 {\an8}I think I need my bros for this one. 83 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,231 {\an8}Your bros? Who are your bros? 84 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,524 {\an8}My mighty oaks. 85 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,193 {\an8}Will and Douglas. 86 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:15,820 {\an8}Oh. Okay. 87 00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:17,780 {\an8}You need your mighty oaks. 88 00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,866 {\an8}More than you need your mom. 89 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,367 {\an8}Luhh dat. 90 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,621 Graham, I would be honored. 91 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,497 Take my branch? 92 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,501 ♪♪ 93 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,128 I don't do the branch thing. 94 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,547 ♪♪ 95 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,759 MIGGY: Yo, Rory, we're excited to see your outfit! 96 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:38,843 You almost ready? 97 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,553 RORY: There's no almost. I'm ready when I'm ready! 98 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,263 - Okay. - Why is he freaking out? 99 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,349 It's just kids hanging at Yogurt Spot. 100 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:47,769 We go there every year after the Winter Recital. 101 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:49,103 Who cares? 102 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:52,690 Rory does. For him, it's the fashion event of the season. 103 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,192 He says what you wear to Yogurt Spot 104 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:55,818 defines you for the rest of the year. 105 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:56,986 It's his Oscars. 106 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,030 RORY: No, the Emmys are my Oscars, 107 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,323 Fashion Week is my Tonys, 108 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,866 and Yogurt Spot is my Met Gala. 109 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,534 Now, stop talking... 110 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,496 - and enjoy me. - ALL: Ooh! 111 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,830 Ooh! Yeah. 112 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,583 2000s pop meets War on Terror. 113 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,002 And custom patchwork by Miggy. 114 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,421 (laughs) We collaborated on the 'fit. 115 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:16,506 Now, give me some. 116 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,715 Did we collaborate? 117 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,509 I mean, I told you where to bedazzle, and you did. 118 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,678 Why do I have to be small for you to be big? 119 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:24,305 Hey, Miggy, come here for a sec. 120 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,684 Does Amy look a little down to you? 121 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,560 - Mm. - It's just now that I'm dating their dad, 122 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,312 I want to get to know the twins as individuals, you know? 123 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,231 (inhales sharply) Ooh, not a good idea. 124 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,400 Getting to know the girls can only lead to trouble. 125 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,277 (whispering) They tricked me 126 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,487 into letting them drive on the highway. 127 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,993 Hey. 128 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,661 Everything okay, Amy? 129 00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:49,622 I guess I've been kind of bummed since Sears went under. 130 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,707 Okay. 131 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,584 I was thinking maybe something more recent and personal. 132 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,461 Well... 133 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:58,006 everyone's dressing up for Yogurt Spot, 134 00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,841 and I'm wearing this. 135 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,719 Oh. Well, let's find you an outfit of your own. 136 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,262 Maybe something less... 137 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,347 1992 Disneyland tram driver. 138 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,933 But Emma and I agreed on chinos. 139 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,436 She wouldn't like if I tried something new. 140 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,855 Look, Emma's your sister. She's gonna support you. 141 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:17,317 Let me help you find an outfit that screams "Amy Fogerty." 142 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,154 I'm telling you, Poppy, you don't understand. 143 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,281 She's very controlling. 144 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,742 Amy, roll your sleeves down. 145 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,327 You look like a grocer. 146 00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:31,247 ♪♪ 147 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,666 I mean, it's not my fault I only get A's. 148 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,211 Our class is graded on a curve and, well, you've seen my classmates. 149 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,047 Anyway, I can tell you're not listening to me. 150 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,340 Yeah, yeah, life is wild. 151 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,592 Uh, do you think I'm a bad mom? 152 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,010 Of course not. 153 00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:45,553 I love shopping with you. 154 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,805 We never even go near the produce aisle. 155 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,015 Just junk food. 156 00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,267 Hello? I got peanut butter pretzels. 157 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,227 That's nuts and grains, dumb-dumb. 158 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:56,314 Oh, wait, time for a little dip! 159 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:58,941 Ma'am, we've told you before, 160 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,651 you can't eat food out of the bins. 161 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,236 It's sampling. 162 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,488 It's shoplifting. 163 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:06,324 Angie, you know you're banned from the bulk foods area. 164 00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:08,326 Come on, Steve. I've been really low lately. 165 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,453 Can't you just cut me a break? 166 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,038 I have to do my job. 167 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,790 This game of cat and mouse is killing me. 168 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:15,666 Fine. 169 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,086 I'll escort myself out. 170 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,881 Enjoy being single the rest of your life, Steve. 171 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,674 (woman speaks indistinctly over P.A. system) 172 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,259 You could've had all this. 173 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:30,306 Listen, parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex. 174 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,516 I never got a talk. 175 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,309 Everything turned out great. 176 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,646 DOUGLAS: I was minding my own business one night, 177 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,649 using a slide rule to perform long division, 178 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,151 when my father, without explanation, 179 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,904 slid something under my door. 180 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,531 A dirty flip book. 181 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,492 A racy thrill from a simpler time. 182 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,327 A time when people would drop dead 183 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,205 if they left their window open on a cold night. 184 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:59,210 So a naked dancing lady went a long way. 185 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,046 It was the fondest memory of my old man. 186 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,466 And also how I developed juvenile arthritis in my thumb. 187 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,385 Alright, this is what we got to do -- 188 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,971 we got to give Graham the nudie magazines. 189 00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:11,097 We say nothing. 190 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,598 We let him work it out on his own. 191 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,685 Your father was super creepy and irresponsible. 192 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:19,522 Luckily, my father gave me a sex talk that was absolutely gorgeous. 193 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,900 - Gross. - Left me feeling empowered and fearless, 194 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,778 but respectful of the beauty of human sexual congress. 195 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,573 - You're vile. - And why did I have such a great talk? 196 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:32,118 Because my father was a middle school health teacher. 197 00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:34,871 That is the Rosetta Stone of your entire personality. 198 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,665 Yep. Mrs. Hawthorne would teach all the girls, 199 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:39,208 and then my dad would teach the boys, 200 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,376 and we'd all come together 201 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,795 for state-mandated square-dancing lessons. 202 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,923 My father is my hero and a paragon of sexual health. 203 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,969 He did for sex talks what Mr. Rogers did for dog death. 204 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:52,096 Sounds like a glass of skim milk come to life. 205 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,557 Well, my parents have been married for 40 years. 206 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,892 I guess they're doing something right. 207 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,560 And where are we landing here? 208 00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,604 We are going to perfectly re-create 209 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:01,772 the experience my father gave me for Graham. So... 210 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:02,982 - (bag zips) - ...do you want to drive? 211 00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:04,066 Drive? 212 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,651 To a secondary location? 213 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,487 - Like a murderer? - WILL: Yeah. 214 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,697 'Cause we're gonna murder this sex talk. 215 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:11,324 And like a murderer, 216 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,701 I have already picked out the perfect location -- 217 00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:15,995 a place pulsating with testosterone, 218 00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,705 where men can be men, 219 00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:21,167 where the power of the human body is on full display. 220 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,669 (disco music plays) 221 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:27,173 ♪♪ 222 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:30,718 ♪♪ 223 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,470 (laughs) 224 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,515 Hi, Douglas! 225 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,853 We wouldn't be friends if we didn't have kids! 226 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,271 That I know! 227 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,818 (disco music plays) 228 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,403 ♪♪ 229 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:50,947 Ha-ha! 230 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,490 GRAHAM: Heck yeah. 231 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:53,908 Now, that's a workout. 232 00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:55,618 Yeah. Got to get that blood pumping 233 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,828 before we sit down for our age-appropriate talk. 234 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,748 You know, my dad brought me to this very roller rink 235 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,625 before he sat me down to have the same talk. 236 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,168 Good man, I'm sure. 237 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,170 And now he's with the angels. 238 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,673 Uh, no, he's a 67-year-old retiree 239 00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,424 living in a planned community in Reseda, 240 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,176 but I appreciate the sentiment. 241 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:16,472 Now, what do you say we load up on some nachos and dive in, huh? 242 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,015 An uncreased ten? 243 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,809 Now you've got my attention. 244 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,435 (chuckles) 245 00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,813 See? Look at how happy that boy is. 246 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,982 My father's plan is working. 247 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,150 You excite the body, you sate the hunger 248 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,610 before launching into a deep dive 249 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,529 on the wonders of human genitals. 250 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,783 Were you gonna skate? 251 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:40,830 ♪♪ 252 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,373 My father's textbook. 253 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:44,250 I snagged it the day Mia got pregnant. 254 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,168 I always knew that one day, I would use this book 255 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,253 to teach my son -- 256 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,171 or my friend's son -- about sex. 257 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,882 I feel we're gonna be leaving here in the back of a cop car. 258 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,092 Oh, man. 259 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,344 This is bringing back a lot of memories. 260 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,138 Each chapter is a jewel. 261 00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:58,472 Look, "When Showers Get Longer." 262 00:09:58,556 --> 00:09:59,724 "Hair There Now." 263 00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:01,058 "Mom, You Gotta Knock." 264 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,352 "Secretions." 265 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,104 What is this? 266 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,440 "Dear Bud." 267 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:08,566 My dad's name's Bud. 268 00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:10,901 Like a golden retriever. It tracks. 269 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,529 "I can't wait for you to rip my" -- 270 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,698 Oh. Oh. 271 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,117 (chuckles) Language gets a little graphic after that. 272 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,120 I think this a love letter written by my mother. 273 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,624 I mean, the handwriting's a little different. 274 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:27,084 She was probably on the back of a bumpy bus when she wrote this. 275 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,252 It's so cute. 276 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,712 Uh, I-I don't know how to say this, 277 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:33,758 but I'm hoping this is a naked picture of your mother. 278 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:35,843 Mrs. Hawthorne? 279 00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:37,511 The female health teacher? 280 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:40,139 Oh, my God. I was actually paying attention to you. 281 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,682 Th-- That means my dad... 282 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,225 was a cheater. 283 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,437 Terrible thing. 284 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,813 Shameful. 285 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,524 I don't know. 286 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:51,984 I mean, maybe I'm being hard on myself. 287 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,195 I just feel like the worst mom ever. 288 00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:55,404 Oh, marshmallows go on the top shelf. 289 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,947 Let me know if you need a ladder. 290 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,324 Don't beat yourself up. 291 00:10:58,407 --> 00:10:59,950 How can I not? 292 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,327 And the facts don't lie. 293 00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:05,081 My son got suspended, we're living in a windowless hot room 294 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,540 because I burned our house down, 295 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,625 and look -- 296 00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:10,544 I bought cat food thinking it was tuna. 297 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,631 And, Sophie, I'm gonna feed this to Graham. 298 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,132 That's not great. 299 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,134 I think the biggest kick in the nuts 300 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,887 is that Graham didn't think that I could give him The Talk. 301 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,263 A talk? About what? 302 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:22,598 Oh. 303 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,059 About how magnets work. 304 00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,771 Look...for what it's worth, 305 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,314 I think you're a great mom. 306 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,442 Oh, shut your perfect, dumb mouth. 307 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,777 Seriously, Angie. 308 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,028 You're an inspiration. 309 00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:38,030 I am? 310 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,740 Yeah. Because of you, 311 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,452 I was inspired to sample all this stuff from the store. 312 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,457 ♪♪ 313 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,002 And that's another gutter ball for ol' D'Amato. 314 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,964 Alright, Emma, your sister's being very brave 315 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:56,257 and trying a new look, 316 00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,842 so I want you to be very supportive. 317 00:11:57,925 --> 00:11:59,093 I hear you. 318 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,637 No deal. 319 00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:06,851 ♪♪ 320 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,770 Individually, this is a mess, 321 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,480 but all together, it's horrible. 322 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,607 What do you think, Emma? 323 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,276 I... 324 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:18,904 ...love it! 325 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,198 - (breathes heavily) - (giggles) 326 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,825 Yo, I was wrong. 327 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,368 You really bonded with Amy. 328 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,036 Maybe they are human. (chuckles) 329 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,290 Poppy, I want you to make me an outfit exactly like this. 330 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,333 Of course. Happy to make you one, too. 331 00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:33,335 - (chuckles) - Wait. But this is my look. 332 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,795 It's our look now. 333 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,381 I just want to look different for one night in my life. 334 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,300 Take off the cape. It's changed you. 335 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,510 Raaaah! 336 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,179 Get off of me! 337 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,222 I just wanted to be my own person! 338 00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,183 This is your fault, Poppy! 339 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:48,559 AMY: Aah! 340 00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,519 I am freaking out. 341 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:52,146 Come on. Keep it together. 342 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:54,482 Where's all that "sex is beautiful" energy? 343 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,317 Sex clearly is not beautiful, okay? 344 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,194 It's depraved and disgusting, 345 00:12:58,277 --> 00:12:59,320 and according to that letter, 346 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,989 it's mostly done in the mat room of a middle school gymnasium. 347 00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:03,491 A little further down, it implies 348 00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:06,911 that they also did some stuff in the dead end of a corn maze. 349 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:07,995 God. 350 00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:09,330 I can't do this talk. 351 00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:10,748 Douglas, you got to tag in. 352 00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:12,333 I'm not tagging in on a sex talk. 353 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:15,002 - What are you? Nuts? - Well, how can I talk about sex and trust 354 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:16,212 when the man who told me all about it 355 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:17,338 is a philanderer, okay? 356 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:20,174 Oh, someone got nachos! 357 00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,301 Sorry, Will, no change on that ten-spot. 358 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:24,136 Ooh, hey, cool textbook. 359 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,138 Yes, it's very cool. 360 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,974 It's actually my father's -- the dirty liar. 361 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,811 You okay, Big Dubs? 362 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:34,021 Alright, it's talk time. 363 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,565 Douglas, you want to kick things off? 364 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,400 - Pass. - Cool. 365 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,821 Graham, when a man loves a woman... 366 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,074 Oh, God. My poor mother. 367 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:48,202 My father is a sexual deviant. 368 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:49,578 He is sick! 369 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,330 Sex is sick! 370 00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,958 ♪♪ 371 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,669 - (door opens, closes) - Okay, so, imagine... 372 00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:59,213 someone slips a dirty flip book under your door. 373 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,298 - Dirty flip book? - Right. 374 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,424 Is Will right? 375 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,426 Sex is sick? 376 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,845 That means I'm sick, too? 377 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,931 That means I'm sick, too! 378 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:11,892 Graham -- No, Graham! 379 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,769 Somebody tackle that boy! 380 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,521 We're not allowed to touch the children, sir. 381 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,648 Uh, it's okay. He lives in my sauna. 382 00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:19,149 Along with his mom. 383 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,694 They're there voluntarily. I-I -- Oh. 384 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,279 What is everybody looking -- 385 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:25,072 I don't care. You eyeballing me?! 386 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:30,619 Okay. Emma, why don't you want to let Amy wear her own outfit? 387 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,246 Talk about my feelings? 388 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,331 You'll have to torture me. 389 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,542 What? (scoffs) I'm not gonna torture a child. 390 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:37,710 Just do it, coward. 391 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,795 Okay. Rory, go ahead. 392 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,755 Okay, okay! 393 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,549 I'll talk. 394 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,634 Dressing alike is our thing. 395 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,136 We're a team. 396 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,346 And, Amy, how do you feel about that? 397 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,015 I won't crack. 398 00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,141 Do your worst. 399 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,475 Alright, Rory, do the thing. 400 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,602 (gasps) 401 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,478 You sick twist! 402 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,480 Fine! I'll spill! 403 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,734 I just want to be my own person for once. 404 00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,319 Okay, first of all, this child torture thing 405 00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,654 is very disturbing, though deeply on brand. 406 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,698 Now, dressing alike, girls, 407 00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,491 doesn't make you the same person. 408 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,994 And dressing differently doesn't mean you're not a team. 409 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,997 But dressing like a Nazi is always bad. 410 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,917 Sweetie, I think we're doing a different thing here. 411 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,169 - Okay. - The thing is, supporting each other 412 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,837 is what makes you a team, okay? 413 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,505 You're individuals and sisters. 414 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:26,467 But how will people know we're sisters if we don't dress the same? 415 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,594 Well, you look alike, for starters. 416 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,763 I guess I don't see it. 417 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,807 Alright, what if we decide that tonight, 418 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,351 you'll go to Yogurt Spot as a team, 419 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,019 but as a team of sisters 420 00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,480 brave enough to wear your own outfits? 421 00:15:39,563 --> 00:15:41,106 What do you say? You want to go shopping? 422 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,816 - Yeah. - Yeah. 423 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,318 Ugh. 424 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,986 It only took me an afternoon 425 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:49,615 to turn a former pre-school valedictorian into a petty thief. 426 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,201 I thought you said sampling wasn't stealing. 427 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,328 Of course sampling is stealing! 428 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:56,163 I was lying! I'm a liar! 429 00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,289 Keep writing. 430 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,833 I can't believe you're making me do apology letters. 431 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:02,419 You committed a legitimate crime because of me! 432 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,880 You're taking this really seriously. 433 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,757 Yes! I am! 434 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,010 I can't let Will know that I corrupted his perfect daughter. 435 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,596 I'm not perfect! 436 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,598 Pent-up outburst. 437 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,058 I know those well. 438 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,352 (sighs) 439 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:19,687 Hit me. 440 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,984 I don't like being Little Miss Perfect all the time. 441 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,236 Sometimes, I want to be like you -- 442 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,738 a Bad B with a heart of gold. 443 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,115 Heart of gold? 444 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,075 Shut up. Don't stop. 445 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,326 You're so much fun. 446 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,161 Yeah. I know I'm fun. 447 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,663 I'm fun as hell. 448 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,623 But that doesn't make me a good role model. 449 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,667 It kind of does. 450 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,837 Look, I love my dad, but he never makes a mistake. 451 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,881 You're the only grown-up that makes me feel like 452 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,676 I don't have to be perfect to be a good person. 453 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,012 (exhales sharply) 454 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:57,266 So...I'm like your oak? 455 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,475 My what? 456 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,978 I'm your tall, mighty oak. 457 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,230 I mean, you're not tall. You're more shrub-like, but -- 458 00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:04,398 Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. 459 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:06,859 I'm your oak. 460 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:08,777 Get over here. 461 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:14,241 ♪♪ 462 00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:19,246 You know, stealing isn't the only way to follow in my footsteps. 463 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,874 I know a couple legal ways to be a little bad. 464 00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:23,876 Aren't we returning that? 465 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,836 Meh. It's already stolen. 466 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,172 Come on. I got tons of fun colors. 467 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,215 You gotta be kidding me. 468 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:31,633 Will! 469 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,470 Stop! We need to find Graham! 470 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,013 He's right over there! 471 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:39,099 Boys! 472 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,560 - Get in the car! - Leave me alone! 473 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,270 Leave me alone! 474 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,106 (jazz music plays on stereo) 475 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,693 Aah! It's impossible to skate to an improvised melody! 476 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,487 I can't! Fine! 477 00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,990 - You win! - Okay, watch your skates on the seats. 478 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,658 This is veal leather. 479 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,786 - (car door closes) - Drive me back to my sauna. 480 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,497 Will, Graham, we're gonna have The Talk. 481 00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,375 When I was a kid, I found some dirty pictures, too. 482 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,295 And it was scary and overwhelming. 483 00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,130 ♪♪ 484 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,007 This is confusing. 485 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,385 ♪♪ 486 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,804 (chair scrapes) 487 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,974 (clock ticking) 488 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,851 ♪♪ 489 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:26,563 No one cared enough to take the time to talk to me about it, 490 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,691 and I'm ashamed to say I failed you in the same way. 491 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,151 Everybody fails. 492 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,903 Heroes fail. 493 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:36,198 Fathers bone all the joy out of your heart, so what's the point? 494 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,741 Not now, Will! 495 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:41,703 Now, sex -- it can be...weird 496 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,164 and -- and confusing, 497 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:47,501 and no textbook or flip book or magazine 498 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,461 is gonna make sense of it for you. 499 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:50,838 What about a film? 500 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,089 Oh, those can be instructive. 501 00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,966 But you're years away from that. 502 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:58,053 But i-it's -- it's totally fine to be curious about sex. 503 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,138 Very natural. 504 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,224 It's why you want to surround yourself with people you can trust, 505 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,935 people like me and Will. 506 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,396 Will. 507 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:08,814 Yeah. 508 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,983 Look, Graham, 509 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,861 sex is always gonna bring up questions, 510 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:16,280 a-a-and that never stops, at any age. 511 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:19,449 So...I'm not a bad person? 512 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:20,617 Of course not, buddy. 513 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,119 I would tell you if you were. 514 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,996 Oh, like when you said I was going to Hell 515 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,498 for leaving a cold glass on your walnut coffee table. 516 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,833 DOUGLAS: Exactly. 517 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,293 Now, do you have any other questions 518 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,461 about the pictures you saw in that magazine? 519 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:34,214 The thing that confused me the most was... 520 00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:38,719 does a horse go faster if you ride on it naked? 521 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,096 - Yes. - Yes. 522 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,892 - ♪ We livin' like... ♪ - It's me. Amy Fogerty. 523 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,018 And I'm Emma. 524 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:47,895 And even though we're not dressed alike, 525 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,146 we're still sisters. 526 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,607 Sorry. I'm blind after sunset. 527 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,026 Yeah. Thanks. 528 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,944 Poppy! 529 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,364 Hi. You both look so great. 530 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,074 - Thanks. - Mm-hmm. 531 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,784 ♪♪ 532 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,578 Wait, did the girls just hug you? 533 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,331 Oh, yeah. You know, we bonded. 534 00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,582 You're amazing. 535 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:10,209 I never knew their arms bent that way. 536 00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:11,418 (chuckles) 537 00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:14,379 And I guess it's probably a lack of wind resistance, 538 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,173 so the horse can just zoom. 539 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:17,257 Cool. 540 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,343 ♪♪ 541 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,386 Hey, sweetie. Are you feeling better? 542 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,805 Yeah, Mom. Will and Douglas were great, 543 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,766 but next time, I'd rather skate with you. 544 00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,476 Aw. Thank you. 545 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,269 I actually really needed to hear that. 546 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,563 Love you. Rocco! 547 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,066 Wait, why are you wearing skates? 548 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,654 So, how did the talk go? 549 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,530 Um, pretty good. 550 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,115 Except for the fact that I found out 551 00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:45,494 my father's been cheating on my mother for many, many years. 552 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:46,745 Oh, man. 553 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,206 - Not dope, dude. - Mnh-mnh. 554 00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:50,582 {\an8}Not dope. 555 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,417 {\an8}- No. - For sure. 556 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,919 {\an8}Hey, how was your day with Sophie? 557 00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,337 {\an8}Where is she, by the way? 558 00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,673 {\an8}Oh, she's right there. 559 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,260 {\an8}WILL: Oh. You dyed her hair. I'll kill you. 560 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,469 {\an8}I'm so sorry. 561 00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,721 {\an8}I-I think she's just trying to mix it up. 562 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,473 {\an8}Is there any chance that you could be on board with it? 563 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,725 {\an8}You're sure the dye's non-toxic, though, right? 564 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,978 {\an8}No, no, no. It's hair dye from the grocery store. 565 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,813 {\an8}(chuckling) It's definitely toxic, 566 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:14,856 {\an8}so just squeeze my arm and smile at your daughter. 567 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,692 {\an8}Uh-huh. Hi, Sophie! 568 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,235 {\an8}You look great! 569 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,737 {\an8}(laughs) I'm totally fine with it! 570 00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:24,408 {\an8}This has been a really bad day.