I don't understand why I have to eat them out of a tiny bag.
Portion control, Douglas.
Your cardiologist telling you you got to watch fat intake
is the best thing that ever happened to me.
My man's gonna eat healthy, and we're gonna support him
because we want to keep him alive.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, but it's Derek's last day in town.
And we're really finding a rhythm.
Ready?
- Ready. - Ready.
Ooh.
- Ooh! - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Okay, this next batch is blueberry.
Everyone make the adjustments you need to make.
We tried to make a pancake into the shape of a "G" for Graham,
but then, it ended up looking like a swastika.
Take that, Nazis! We ate you for breakfast!
Sounds confusing for the boy, but I'm happy for you.
Were there any awkward moments?
Graham didn't have any questions like
- "Where's my dad been my whole life?" - No.
We're still sticking to the Greek blueberry scientist story --
Derek became the most famous blueberry scientist in the Mediterranean
and then was sent to the States as an emissary
to help Ratso's launch the new blueberry fudge pie shake cake.
Sounds solid.
Douglas, what are you doing?
I'm sorry.
I wanted ham.
Will, we came to see how you're doing after your breakup with Tracy.
Not great.
But I am distracting myself with a deep clean.
It's like my Gam-Gam always says,
"The cleaner the floors..."
Is there more to that?
No. Normally, she just trails off after that.
I never knew my Gam-Gam when she was doing well.
What you working on here?
I wrote down a list of sexual positions
so that I don't forget them by the time I'm ready to date again.
"Up and down."
"Back and forth."
"Topsy pushy."
Sweetie, these all sound like the same thing to me.
Also, you think you're gonna forget sex positions?
How long you planning on being out of the game?
I don't know. Possibly forever.
How you mean?
Yeah. Miggy's right. How you mean?
Guys, I don't know how to go on first dates.
The only people I've seriously dated since my divorce
were Sophie's pediatrician and my boss.
I didn't have to meet them. They were just there.
Hey, can I have this?
Can you have it?
Yeah.
- Okay. Nice.
Alright, put down the Windex, change your shirt, and come with us.
We're gonna get you a first date -- someone to topsy pushy on.
Topsy pushy with? You know what I mean.
Guys, I'm not ready.
And for the record, "topsy" and "pushy" are two different things.
I just wrote them on the same line.
That's worse.
Some people will tell you to roll your clothes up or fold them,
but the most efficient way to pack
is just to jam all your crap right in there.
- Yeah. - Interesting.
What about your toiletry bag?
Well, ask yourself this --
why do I need a toiletry bag when I already have...
a shoe?
You just rocked. My. World.
You see? I won't have a kid with just anyone.
So, what's the plan today, guys?
You want to walk around, find a family
we don't like the looks of, and challenge them to a fight?
Actually, Derek and I were thinking
that maybe we could have a little alone time together.
Graham wanted to have a father-son day,
so I was gonna take him to an L.A. Ratso's so he could see where I work.
He's really excited to see how we defrost our eggs.
Oh. So not the three of us?
Just the two of you?
Now you're gettin' it.
- Okay. That's cool. - Great.
On the way there, I can show you this amazing place where you can get gas.
It's a gas station.
I have to get gas.
Okay, Will. Let's get a first date under your belt.
Ooh!
There's a woman over there who's looking at you.
Ohhh, man, she's, like, undressing me with her eyes.
Do you think she can tell I'm wearing bike shorts?
- You're wearing bike shorts? Oh, God. - Oh, no.
I don't know, you guys. I really don't feel ready.
For what? Coffee? 'Cause that's all it has to be.
- Mm-hmm. - Come on. Get over there.
Go, go, go.
Shamon.
Sorry. I meant to say hello.
Shamon is what Michael Jackson yells.
Did you... hear what happened?
No. Let's start over.
♪ Shamon! ♪
I was...wundeling...
uh, if you would like to go on a date sometime.
God, we're really good friends.
We sure are.
You know, I took his list of sex positions.
- Read it! - I got you.
"Holdy rubby."
"Sit and reach."
"Squeezy fun fun."
"Downward facing Will."
"66."
So, yeah, Derek and Graham are going to Ratso's,
just the two of them.
I'm being boxed out by a human I cooked up from scratch!
How could I not see this coming?
Graham's a guy. Derek's a guy.
I'm not a guy. I can't compete with blowing up toads
and taking apart hot rods.
Look, you've let Graham go, so now you just got to play through.
Mm!
Oh, God, this is terrible.
It tastes like Bigfoot's shampoo.
I'm just gonna go to the farmers' market
and let one of those bra-less ladies help me out.
Can I come?
I need a distraction.
It'll be...a Douglas day.
You know, I'm embarrassed to admit it,
but I could really use one of those.
Alright, kids, Angie and I are going to the farmers' market,
so Tony's in charge.
No way Douglas is sticking to eating healthy.
Yep. That's a wrap on Dad. He gone.
But we'll survive.
Even if we lose the house,
we've got enough store credit at Home Depot
to make whatever we need.
But how are you gonna get everything home?
Whoa. We've never really thought of that.
Dad's car does have a really big trunk.
Oh, God. It's such a good trunk!
What if we lose the trunk?
What if I told you there was a way to save your dad?
- And the trunk?! - What about the trunk, man?
Yes, and the trunk.
We eat all the junk food before he can.
Everything that's not a vegetable.
Ladies, to the icebox!
- Poppy... - Hmm?
...I don't really know what fire is.
You don't know what fire is?
Miggy, it's just --
Oh, God, I don't really know either.
See?
Oh, thank goodness. I don't want to think about this anymore.
Will, how'd it go?
I am so relieved.
- I did it! I went on a first date! - Miggy: Yes!
And on the way here, I called my Gam-Gam to tell her,
and she does not know who I am.
But anyway, thank you, guys, for making me do that.
Well, really sad for your family,
- but glad you're back out there. - Yeah!
Well, not actually back out there,
because I have a serious girlfriend now.
- How you mean? - How you mean?
♪ If you want the greenest beans ♪
♪ Baby, there's a price to pay ♪
♪ I'm a farmer in the market ♪
♪ Gonna buy all the broccoli ♪
This doesn't feel like a Douglas day so far.
Where is this farmers' market?
Ratso's?
Yeah. We were never gonna do your thing.
Alright.
"Alright" as in "go in there"!
- Check on Graham. - Why am I going in?
Because I don't want to be the one breaking up their guys' day.
Just go in there, order something, and pretend it's all a big coincidence.
Come on! This is supposed to be an Angie day!
It's opposite. That's the opposite!
You know what? Other than living in your house for weeks
and loaning me that five-thou, what have you ever done for me?
Just grumble something and get out of the car!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So one date and she's your girlfriend?
Sure. She checks a lot of boxes.
She works in applied sciences, nice quiet sneeze,
has a Great Dane.
Oh, can I have it?
- The Great Dane? - Yeah.
I'm gonna guess the answer's no, but you can ask her.
Oh, there she is.
She was just parking.
Yeah, I guess you could say my lady drives.
Okay, I got a bad feeling about this, Miggy.
I mean, don't you think he's moving too fast?
Maybe she's cool.
Hey, maybe she can pick stuff up with her toes.
Ah. Yeah.
This is Miggy and Poppy.
- Both: Hi. - Kay.
I'm sorry?
I'm Kay. Well, that's my middle name.
My first name is Olivia.
My coworkers call me OKay.
That's hilarious.
Why?
Um, Will tells us you work in applied sciences.
That's true. I work in a protractor and ruler factory.
I'm in charge of the markings.
That's something.
So...do you have any hobbies?
Yarn...
Mm.
...and pebbles.
Okay.
I'm going to cough.
Did it.
Will, can we just talk to you over here for a second?
- Sure. - Are you gonna be alright?
I am going to drink some warm water.
That's great.
Okay, this is your serious girlfriend?
Will, what was so great about this date?
Well, first of all, the movie was incredible.
And second of all, I did everything you told me to do --
the new shirts, the first date questions.
And now if I stay with her,
I never have to do any of that ever again.
I don't want to go on any more first dates. You saw how bad I was.
You said "shamon" twice.
I did. And she still went out with me.
I'm never gonna get that lucky again.
Plus, you would not believe the costume design in this film.
It sounds like you really just liked the movie.
Oh, great. She's got a dribble going.
I'm gonna go get her a napkin.
Okay. We better fix this.
- Oh! I got an idea. - What?
It's not about this, but I want to remember it later.
What took you so long?!
Oh, sorry. I got caught up in the food for a second.
Do you realize that they have an egg sandwich
between two donuts?
Did you check on Graham?
Yeah, and I tell you this as a mentor
and a former landlord --
you do not want to go in there.
So that's a turkey leg biscuit,
a Chinese chicken salad sandwich croissant,
and a small curry fries.
Up-sell him on the ketchup.
You want ketchup with that? Only fifty cents a pack.
You won't regret it.
That'll be $48.50.
Please pull up to the rat.
Up-sell!
- Oh, hey, Mom! - Hey!
Big news -- they made Graham an honorary Fatso.
That's what we call all the employees.
This is the best day of my life.
I'm flying!
It's worse than I thought.
He likes his dad better than me.
I tried to warn you.
God, I love food.
This can't be good.
I'm sweating cookies!
We still have to eat all the mayonnaise and butter.
You know what we need?
We need reinforcements. We got to get the big guns.
Beefy Steve. Hungry Franklin.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
I'm throwing a dinner party.
Cool your jets, Banks.
If we throw a party, our dad will dump a brick.
And if you don't, he'll die,
and you can kiss your trunk goodbye.
Fine. But keep it small.
Sounding great, Tony.
Beefy Steve! You are looking black Angus prime.
Rocco, where do you hide all that relish you're throwing down?
Louisa, you are grace.
May I take this home to my owl?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Not only are pebbles and gravel different,
but straw and hay are different, as well.
Here's the thing, though -- when you think of hay --
the thick kind that you see in a barn --
that's actually straw.
Hay is the dried grass you see tied up in bales in the fields.
Are we dead?
You know what? I have to run to the bathroom.
Got to make some front water.
You guys keep talking.
Sorry. I got so off track.
- Oh. I was talking about yarn. - Oh, no.
So, yarn can be long --
Actually, Kay, let's talk about you and Will.
I want to get on board,
but this just seems all really quick to me.
Yes. We are in it.
Yeah, so, Will is in a very fragile place,
and I just want to know that you really like him.
Yeah. He's fine.
He's fine?
Well, I mean he's no Tom Bergeron...
- Who dat? - ...but he seems reliable.
Like a potato,
just like a blank blob that I can season however I want.
A potato?
Honey, hi. No way.
Will is not a fine potato. He is a prince.
He is an archduke.
You're fine. You're the fine one.
You are done here.
We are breaking up with you. Will is not gonna settle.
- So scootch! - Scootch!
'Kay.
Oh, but can I have your Great Dane?
No?! Awful woman.
Where's my best gal?
Look, there's good news and there's bad news, right?
The good news is, we broke up with her for you.
What?!
Yeah, but the bad news is, I still ain't got no Great Dane.
Guys, how could you?
It had to be done, Will. You can do so much better.
Look, she may not be the most interesting woman in the world,
but I learned more about pebbles from her than any of you.
And maybe that's enough for this lonely weatherman.
I'm Will Cooper.
Are you signing off on us?
You're damn right I am.
Shamon, guys.
Shamon.
Angie: Man, you were right. I wish I hadn't seen this.
I know you're freaking out, and I get it,
but he's leaving tonight.
This is only for an afternoon.
Hell, you could survive a lizard making a nest in your ass
if it's only for an afternoon.
I'm not really sure when that situation would arise,
but...I guess I can see your point.
Mom, check it out.
They have trash cans you can put your whole arm into
because the flap hinges up!
Cool.
And, um, looks like you got your own small uniform.
Oh, yeah.
It's still a little big on me, but today I'm Tiny Tina.
There used to be a woman that worked here named Tina,
and she was real small, so we called her Tiny.
You actually called her that?
Yeah, it's not great,
but there was also another Tina, and she was, well, heavy,
and we did not want to call her Big Tina.
So sort of found ourselves backed into a corner.
Check it out. I put Graham on the schedule every other weekend.
So I'll come down to L.A. twice a month.
And Graham is gonna become a permanent honorary Fatso.
If he wants, he can even see where we keep Mr. Ratso's bones.
Wow! Yeah.
Hoh.
That -- just gonna be the two of you, huh?
Together, doing your thing!
Without me!
Indefinitely.
That's so...
...fun.
Can you believe it, Mom?
I get to be Tina the Fatso!
Oh, no, no, no. We take great care never to say that.
You know, I realize we're in a delicate family situation here,
but I ordered the onion tenders about 20 minutes ago
and just want to make sure they're coming.
I never should have let this weekend happen.
Suddenly, Derek's Graham's hero,
and I'm just the roommate, chauffeur,
and shoelace coach.
How does that child still not know how to tie his shoes?
It's insane.
I guess I'm just old news.
Just the same old mom, singing the same old song since 2011.
♪ Doo ba dee doo, wipe yourself ♪
♪ Doo ba dee doo, where's your sweatshirt? ♪
Yeah, I agree that's not a chart topper.
Look, Derek is just the shiny new object.
Everything that's new is shiny, right?
Cars, apples, polished coconuts.
But you -- you're the constant.
You're the rock, Angie.
And he'll always come back to you.
Pfft. That was...
beautiful.
Where did that come from?
I don't know, probably Poppy.
She's...
rubbing off on me, isn't she?
Eh, what the hell am I doing?
I promised her I'd cut all this stuff out.
I owe her that much.
Douglas, thank you.
Oh. Alright.
Here. Let me just --
There we go.
Hey, buddy.
Oh. Hey, Mom. I'm taking my fifteen.
They said Tiny Tina used to smoke on her breaks,
but I'm just bouncing this burger against the wall.
Check this out.
That's wonderful.
Hey, listen. Um, I wanted to talk to you.
I just wanted you to know
that if you want to come here every other week,
I fully support it.
Great. It'll be super cool to hang out with Derek.
Normally on Saturdays, I'd just be home with you,
recharging my batteries.
Which is kind of the cornerstone of my self-care routine.
But things change.
The whole world is spinning all the time.
Oh, God. My throat feels tight.
Oh. Okay. It's alright.
Buddy, look, don't black out on me.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
But I want Derek to like me.
I don't want him to leave again.
Oh, man.
You just got me right in the gut.
Look, your dad cares about you -- a lot.
I-It might take a minute
for us to figure out how he fits into our family,
but...we'll get there.
No matter what, I am not leaving your side.
Hey. I've been looking for you guys.
Actually, this is the first place I looked.
I don't know why I said that.
Anyways, about this weekend thing...
Yeah. We should talk about that.
Angie, I could tell from your face the moment I said it
that I'd overstepped.
Now, I was thinking a lot about it while I was getting hair out of the fryer,
and it was not cool of me to do that without talking to you first.
I should never have put either of you in that position.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm really glad the hair in the fryer got you there.
I'm new to parenting, and you guys are already a family.
Like me and my turtle.
Except we spend more time together, because she doesn't go to school.
But I don't want to force my way into anything.
So...
why don't we take a beat on the whole Ratso's idea?
That sounds right.
But I'm sure gonna miss
working next to Greece's biggest blueberry hero.
I'm no hero.
Your mom just said that so you wouldn't hate me.
I'm not a good blueberry scientist at all.
I actually really let Greece down.
I abandoned the...
Picker's Guild when they needed me most.
If you want a hero, you look at your mom,
'cause while I was off, just gunkin' up the berry paddies,
Angie was taking care of you every day.
If we're being honest, I don't even really like blueberries.
God, you're a straight shooter.
Listen, I'll be around anytime you want to see me.
And for the record,
you're a beast on the drive-through headset.
Oh, God. You guys are both so greasy.
Hey. How ya doin', Will?
Will? Will?
- Will, you mad? Will?! - Man: Shh!
- I don't think it's him. - Of course it's me!
I'm not talking to you.
You broke up with Kay for me.
Quiet, please.
Poppy: Okay, come on, Miggy. Let's go.
Will, we're really sorry, okay?
We were just trying to look out for you.
You can't just settle for the first person you go on a date with.
Why not?
She was fine.
She was a warm body.
Now I have to go back out there with the shirts
and the questions, like, "Should we go see jazz?"
or, "Should we get red or white?
Oh, you like red? Well, I'm a white guy."
And -- bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.
- Deep down, you know Kay wasn't the one. - She's not generous.
You're gonna find someone who can see how great you are.
And until then, you need a warm body,
- you got Miggy and me. - Yeah.
I guess you're right. Thank you.
But just to be clear, when you say you'll be a warm body for me...
- Mm-hmm. - ...you don't mean that you'll --
- What are you doing? - It's...a conversation.
- Shh! - Hey! You shh!
Oh, nachos. Can I have those?
Beefy Steve,
if you're not eating your pimentos, then you have not finished your olives!
And, Franklin, still can't see the bottom of that mayonnaise jar.
I don't think I can eat any more mayonnaise.
- Eat it, Franklin!
What's going on here?
Dad, please don't get mad.
We're eating all the food so you don't die.
Oh, girls, I'm not gonna die.
We were afraid of losing the trunk space.
Yeah. It can fit a ton of stuff.
Oh, that is so sweet.
I honestly thought nobody noticed what a big trunk that car has.
Alright. Listen up, everybody. The girls are right.
You got to finish everything, or else I'll eat it.
So keep going.
Mr. Fogerty, please no.
Eat the mayonnaise, Franklin.