You know, I'm just gonna say it.
The new art teacher is a hottie.
Normally, I would never objectify a teacher,
but...damn.
Oh, man. That rack really defies gravity.
Whose rack defies gravity?
Hey, Graham, look over there!
You know, the key to uncomfortable questions
is distraction.
[ Child screams ]
That child screaming is just a happy coincidence.
Oh, my God. She's gonna fall!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Slo-mo screaming ]
[ Music stops ]
[ People gasping, murmuring ]
It's gonna be okay.
[ Bee buzzing ] Ow!
A bee stung me!
[ Music resumes, zipper opens ]
[ Grunts ] [ Music stops ]
It's gonna be okay.
Thank y--
[ Choking ]
[ Music resumes ]
[ All gasp, applause ]
It's gonna be...okay.
Please.
**
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
What just happened?
Will is the new hot person.
-- Captions by VITA --
**
Thank goodness I've done all those laundry squats.
[ Laughing ] You know? [ Laughter ]
I know I'm supposed to be at the office by now,
but I just can't take my eyes off of this.
Look at 'em swarm, Miggy.
Like wasps on a soda can.
Man, is it me, or am I getting more attention than usual?
You've got the glow.
Your little show of lifesaving heroics
has wrapped you in a cloak of sexual irresistibility.
Mm. That'll make for a nice change of pace.
Wait. Does this mean you'll finally watch sports with me?
O-Okay, look. Pump the brakes. Okay.
The glow is powerful, yet fleeting.
When it's gone, it's gone.
Damn, Douglas, how you know so much about sex cloaks?
It was Labor Day, 1984.
[ Spandau Ballet's "True" plays ]
I had just bought an outfit off the mannequin at Penney's.
Jeans so white, you'd go blind just looking at them.
And, boy, did they fit.
Everyone wanted a piece.
I thought I would glow forever,
but by the next day, it was gone.
Wait. I only get a day with my sex cloak?
That's shorter than a tuxedo rental.
Douglas, what do I do?
Okay, look. We'll hit the club.
Don't worry about it, kid.
I'm not gonna let you squander your glow.
But you're gonna have to lose the fanny pack.
[ Latch clicks, thud ]
I wish I could stay and watch "The Bachelor" with you.
I've been meaning to ask you one question, though. Hmm?
What's a virgin?
So, Louisa's party's gonna be fun, huh?
If you call playing marbles
'cause they don't have cable "fun."
[ Doorbell rings ]
Ah. Just a strong woman buying herself roses.
And this is why I tell you to just honk.
Ror, get your stuff.
Your mailman left this box in the flower bed.
You might want to think about tipping him at Christmas.
Please. I'll start tipping him
when he stops saying he has a "big package" for me.
All right, drunk 2:00 AM Poppy,
what'd you buy online for me now?
Hmm.
Wow.
"Smash Me."
Don't do it. Oh, I'm doing it.
Oh!
What is that?
What's in here?
[ Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays ]
Ron.
An invitation to your ex-husband's wedding.
Probably wanting me to...say something
to help you express your feelings.
Onwards and upwards.
Huh?
Harness your womanhood.
Yas, queen!
Okay, well -- There, there, there.
As much as this is not working, you're off the hook.
I already know you have plans to parade "Hot Will" around town
like a piece of meat, so...
You want me to stay?
All right, ready!
Ready?
Ready for some sleepover action?
Honey, I bring the action
[ Snapping ] everywhere I go.
[ Snaps ] Love you. Love you.
Keep marchin', Penguin!
Why do I keep doing that?
I don't know. But I'm gonna be fine.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Line ringing ]
Ang, Poppy.
I need you to come over ASAP.
We're having a "Bachelor" night.
Dress code -- formal.
Attitude -- full bitch mode!
Later, Pops!
[ Horn honks ]
[ Knock on door ]
[ Classical music plays ]
The sleepover's canceled.
Louisa's been taken by the fever.
Father...bring me my ice bucket.
Right away, Louisa.
I just need to get these children home.
Don't worry about us.
We've got a phone. We'll call our dad.
Sincerest thanks.
Please pray for our sweet Louisa.
Her fever's broken 100.
[ Door closes, music stops ] So, where are we going?
You said you were gonna call Douglas.
Come on. Where's the craziest place we can go right now?
[ Gasps ]
I got it!
School?!
You wanted to go to school?
This is what we get for letting the nerd decide.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Sighs ]
Douglas: Feel that, Will? All eyes are on you.
They are? What about my butt? Are they looking at my butt?
Oh, they're looking at everything.
Go ahead. Let them taste the pheromones.
Yo, when you said, "Let's hit the club,"
I thought you meant "da club."
Here's the plan. You're gonna walk the room,
you're gonna get the numbers,
and Miggy and I, we're gonna surf your wake.
[ Women gasp ]
Okay, I opened a third bottle of wine,
and we are still wearing our bras,
which means that we're quite tame
considering it's "Bachelor" night.
Look at all these hot people,
you know, just falling in love in their crocheted bikinis,
diving off cliffs,
which -- FYI -- is about them taking an emotional leap.
Okay, I feel like you're going through something here.
The man sent me a wedding invitation
that looks like a Las Vegas production!
Of course I am!
Let it out. I'm here.
It just hit me harder than I thought it would, you know?
I mean, I don't want to be married to the man. Mnh-mnh.
He went to that Fyre Festival
and came home with no complaints.
Why does he get to be happy?
No one is supposed to be happy!
That is the deal we all make as a society.
Well, you're happy. You have a good guy.
I know. Owen's great.
Yeah, he left a wallet full of cash at my place,
and when he came back to pick it up,
he didn't even check to see if anything was missing.
Which is good 'cause I took 20 bucks.
What?! That is so sweet.
Things are good with Owen now, but that doesn't mean anything.
Things were great with Graham's dad in the beginning.
No, you said he was human trash.
Yeah, no. He didn't start out that way.
They never do.
That's how they get ya.
There is no happy ending.
You either break up or watch them die.
Or -- Or you die,
and then the last thought that you have
before you go off into the light is,
"Great, now I made a hot widow
to tramp around the nursing home!"
And you know what else is straight-up baloney?!
Girl, don't make me beg.
We only get disappointed
because we're fed all this BS about romance!
Mm-hmm.
By like, the media. Yes.
And storybooks! Ugh!
And the supportive messages on Dove wrappers! So stupid!
Someone's gotta tell these ladies
that they're getting all gussied up for nothing.
For a lie! Yeah. Yeah, you're right!
You know what?
We owe it to these "Bachelor" ladies to tell them
that their blowouts won't save 'em!
They are group-dating straight to hell!
And you know what else? This Bachelor Mansion,
it's not some -- some faraway castle.
It's just a house in Agoura Hills
that's like an hour away from here!
Yeah!
Oh. Angie D'Amato.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Shave Will's beard.
[ Whispering ] The Bachelor Mansion.
[ Piano music plays ]
**
This is crazy!
We are at the Bachelor Mansion!
Yes!
And the driveway's wet, like it always is!
[ Laughs ] No, no, no!
Ohh! I wanted to get out of that car, like, five more times.
I was gonna have you shoot a close-up of my foot.
Yeah.
Girl.
Giiirrrl! Giiirrrl!
Okay, we're going in. Yes!
Super quiet.
There's...no one...here.
There's not a Becca or Lauren or Jennifer H. in sight.
Wait!
Oh, my God.
They're not filming "The Bachelor" right now, are they?
They must have stopped shooting months ago.
I just realized we don't know how TV works.
My phone's dead.
Damn it. Mine too.
I told Rory to stop wasting my battery
with his competitive dog-grooming videos.
So this is how it ends.
We die at the Bachelor Mansion.
[ Door opens ]
Hello? Who's there?
Chris...Harrison?
Hello, m'lord.
Ladies, I don't mean to interrupt,
but my ears are highly sensitive to the sound of female voices.
[ Giggles ] [ Chuckles nervously ]
Would you ladies like to come in?
Are you asking if...
we would accept this invitation to the Bachelor Mansion?
Sorry. I just...
Y-You know.
It's fine. It would be weird if you didn't do a rose thing.
Come on in. Come on.
Uhhhhh...
[ Chuckles ]
You know, when I woke up this morning,
I didn't think I was gonna save a girl's life three times.
[ Chuckles ] But fate had other ideas.
Douglas: I was standing next to him,
and I could feel him drawing strength from me.
By the way, I know Dennis Franz.
Hey. I'm Bobbi -- with an "i."
I'm Miggy -- with a "y."
You're funny.
You're hysterical.
[ Watch beeps ] Oh. Okay.
I'm afraid we're out of time, ladies.
I guess we'll see you on the fairway.
Miggy, quickly. Nice to meet you.
I got five numbers and one fax. Wow.
How you doing, gorgeous?
Well, I'm new to being hot, so I'm no expert, but, uh,
is it normal to feel both flattered and tired
and like your soul is caving in on itself?
That's 'cause you're cooking with gas!
Hey, guys, guys. What do you think about Bobbi with an "i"?
Oh, please. That was forever ago.
She's probably dead by now. Onward.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, hey! It's my boss!
I'm just gonna run and say hi.
No, no, no! You don't waste your glow on your boss.
It's like those actors who take their moms to the Oscars.
Yeah, I love that, too.
Wait, wait. Wait.
Hello.
I know Dennis Franz.
Tracy. Oh, my God.
I am so happy to see you -- a friendly face.
Will? What are you doing here?
Oh -- Wait.
Are you wearing wardrobe?
Did you clear that with Deborah?
No, these are my clothes.
Oh. Okay.
Do you mind if I sit? Sure.
I'm waiting for someone,
Sure. but you can... keep me company.
Whatcha reading? Probably something smart, ya big nerd.
Um...
N.W.A.'s cookbook.
"Straight Outta Chompton." I know.
You can make fun of me. It's fine. No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna make fun of you. Let's see what we got here.
N.W.A. nachos.
Nachos with avocado.
Healthy option -- great.
[ Door closes ]
Do you live here?
No, but sometimes I get homesick and spend the night.
You know, do cannonballs in the pool,
roll around in the rose petals --
do all the things I'm "discouraged" from doing
during the show.
Pfft. Bad.
But enough about me.
Anyone have questions about the show
or...your love life?
Hell yeah.
One-on-one me, Chris.
Why are we at the school at nighttime?!
This is when the Mop Man comes!
Who's the Mop Man?
Janitor Henderson Sr.
He died in a freak boiler accident.
Now he haunts the school,
looking for children to kill and turn into mops!
We should go block the door.
[ Panting ]
[ Grunting ]
Aah! Daaah!
I never heard of the Mop Man,
and I edit Hilltop's paranormal newsletter.
Please. I made him up to scare Graham.
Guys, help me! Come on!
[ Grunts ]
Deep down, I think he enjoys the thrill.
Great. D'Amato's having a meltdown.
Is this what you imagined, Sophie?
[ Screams ]
And I see her dangling there, so I called out, "Look!
That little girl's about to fall!"
Some people are calling me the "Look Guy."
When's the, uh... cute one coming back?
This is a disaster.
We're sinking faster than the RMS Lusitania.
Oh, I don't know.
I think I'm getting vibes from Bobbi the golf lady.
[ Clicks tongue ] Oh, boy.
Maybe she'll do that thing where she puts her arms around me
and teaches me how to swing a golf club.
You know, like in "Tin Cup."
Have you even seen "Tin Cup"?
Nah, dawg. I read the synopsis.
What the hell's taking Will so long?
[ Laughs ] Come on -- a whole-station karaoke night?
We gotta put it on the books.
No, we tried it once.
Guy McCormick got so drunk... Of course.
...he stole all the mics... [ Chuckles ]
...and he treated us to a four-hour concert.
You know, that sounds terrible,
but I'm also sorta sad I missed it.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
Mm.
Oh.
He's not coming.
Shocker.
Who's that?
Travis, my...boyfriend...
kind of.
We're always stopping and starting.
It's -- It's kind of like when you're on a Ferris wheel
and it breaks down at the top
and...all you can do is kick and scream --
"Help! I don't want to die here!"
Yeah, I sort of feel like all of my relationships
have been assembled by carnies, so I get it.
[ Laughs ]
[ Smacks lips ] Do you want to get food?
Really?
You'd...want to do that?
I do -- if you do. Yeah.
I mean, anything has got to better than the KZOP Café.
That's what I call the vending machines at work.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, Will, we need your glow!
What?
It's nothing. It's just --
Well, he's wearing a sex cloak right now,
and we're here to meet women -- as many as possible.
It's a real buffet going on.
Oh. Well...
[Chuckles] I wouldn't be able to sleep at night,
uh, knowing I stood in the way of you meeting
"as many women as possible," so... No. No, Tracy.
I-It's not as creepy as it sounds!
We've lost some time,
but a hot baby shower is setting up at the raw bar.
What the hell, man?!
Tracy and I were having a real connection.
You asked me to help you.
You want to waste your window, be my guest.
Tracy is not a waste of anything.
Maybe she's exactly what I want --
one person who I actually like
and...who likes me, too.
I mean, Miggy gets it.
[ Both moaning ]
He's on my guest pass. I can't be an accessory to this.
Douglas, maybe...
you shouldn't be trying to meet a ton of women,
and instead, invest your time into meeting one person
who thinks that you glow no matter what.
That way, the glow never ends.
Now I'm gonna go after Tracy.
And maybe you should think about
who you should be going after.
**
Owen is great, but when is it gonna blow up in my face?
Because it always does, Chris.
Men are trash!
No offense. It's fine.
A lot of us are.
[ Coughs ] Juan Pablo.
What -- What am I gonna do?
Look, every woman who's come to this mansion
has been hurt before.
But they come here with no less than 15 formal dresses
and occasionally a freakish costume for night 1,
ready to put themselves out there again.
I know that's what you're scared of the most, Angie.
But you've done it before.
Graham's dad.
Don't forget the twins' karate instructor.
Ohh. Master Gary.
The things we did in that dojo.
Love is out there.
You gotta let it in.
Damn, Chris.
Okay, now, I have some questions about the fantasy suites -- Right.
'Scuse. Coming through. Choo-choo! Hi! Oh. Hi.
Do you mind if I borrow him for a minute? I was still talking to --
It's gonna be real quick. Thanks so much.
And, uh, scoochy-scoochy.
Here.
Ah. Thanks, Chris.
So, back to Ron. Yeah.
You know, I feel like I've done so much work on myself,
and now he's the one who gets to live happily ever after?
You're not jealous of Ron.
What's really going on here? Be honest.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
I guess I'm scared...
that...
it'll never happen for me.
[ Sighs deeply ]
Poppy... [ Glass clinks ]
...I've watched 23 seasons --
group dates, one-on-ones,
about 150 helicopter rides.
Ooh, totally gonna do that.
Yeah, they don't love it when you take the helicopter out.
Learned that the hard way.
Point is, there's someone out there for you.
He might be closer than you think.
Maybe... right in front of you.
Ooh, Chris Harrison!
I'm feeling a connection.
It's not me, Poppy. Got it.
But falling for me is an incredibly common occurrence.
Ladies, I am so sorry. I got to go.
No! Yeah.
Doctor says I can't soak more than nine hours a day.
I've reached my limit.
I'll see you in a bit.
Okay.
Is it just me, or do you feel better?
About, like, everything?
I do. I mean, I don't know what it is.
If it's the champagne or the mansion talking --
Hell, part of me feels like we're in
a "Bachelor"-fueled hallucination.
I wonder that every...day.
Phones are charged. There you go. Oh! Yes!
I updated all your apps, as well.
Thanks.
You know what?
Whatever it is, I'm just glad
that there might be someone out there for me.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Inhales deeply ]
Hey, Ron. it's me.
I'm calling to RSVP to your wedding.
I'm coming.
But clear some space,
because I'm definitely bringing a plus-one.
I don't know who it is.
10% chance it might be Chris Harrison. What?!
But whoever it is, I'll definitely find love
before your wedding rolls around.
M'kay. Bye.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, is that a bikini bottom floating in the Jacuzzi?!
Let's get out of here. Ew! Out.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hi. Will.
I-I know it's weird I'm at your house,
but I-I was trying to text you to explain about tonight,
and then you weren't responding,
and I realized why.
Oh, God! Get it together, Freeze!
Listen, I think... you got the wrong idea
about me tonight,
because I wasn't there to mee--
Hi! A man!
Tracy, there's a man in your house.
Travis, this is... my coworker Will.
Oh, hey. How's it going? How are you?
He was nice enough to rescue my phone from the club.
Oh. Thanks, man. Cool.
Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a guy who saw a phone, picked it up,
and brought it back to its owner.
It's what anyone would have done.
Oh, cool, man. Thanks. You got it.
It's hard to get off the Ferris wheel.
Yeah, it's why I normally stay on the ground,
eating funnel cake.
[ Both chuckle ]
[ "True" plays ]
**
You know, the last time I wore one of these,
I was getting fired from a KFC.
Shh.
Turn that ass around.
**
"Tin Cup"! It's happening!
* Hu-uh huh
**
[ Blows ]
**
* Hu-uh huh
The band's back together.
* I know this much is true
* Huh huh huh hu-uh huh No. Stupid.
* I know this much is
* True
* This much is true
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
P-P-Poppy? Y-You're up?
It's so late.
Hey. Yeah.
Um...somehow, I thought you'd be up.
**
What are you doing?
They were right. I am a nerd.
Doesn't matter anyway.
The Mop Man's gonna murder all of us by sunrise.
Graham, the Mop Man isn't real.
Rory made it up.
What?!
[ Sighs ]
He got me again.
Got to give it to him -- the guy's creative.
Well...
I know how to get back at Rory.
[ Shrieks ]
[ All shouting ]
[ Graham and Sophie laugh ]
God! Where is the Uber?!
I have to get home and pee.
There's no working plumbing in that mansion --
but a curling iron in every room.
Yeah, I didn't call one.
I called someone else.
Douglas?
**
It hurts!
What the hell is he wearing?
I don't know.
[ Groans ]
God. I can't hold it anymore.
I'm just gonna pee in the fountain.
There's no way I'm the first person to pee in that thing.
I like your outfit.
Thank you.
**
Wait!!
Don't leave me here!
Graham: iVámonos, muchachos!
My mom said she'd pick us up right at 10:00.
Relax. This is Angie we're talking about.
The woman's always late. She's on Hawaiian time.
[ All panting ]
Why are you guys out of breath?
Why are you in a gown?
Just get in the van, Rory.
So, how was Louisa's?
Sophie: Fun. Really?
She kinda creeps me out.
[ Ominous music plays ]
**