We want matching 2200-watt industrial jackhammers.
There's more. Get a pen out, old man.
It's weird to see Santa outside.
It feels wrong,
like when there's a bird in the airport.
Oh, I don't mind this.
Watching people smoke while they're waiting for Santa
takes me back to my childhood.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Had to look my best for old Saint Nick.
What are we working with?
Well, he's a little sweaty,
but I dig that he's legit fat.
But how rosy are those cheeks?
How merry are those dimples?
Okay, I cannot support your Santa fetish.
Look, it was very thoughtful of you all to keep me in the mix,
but I'm gonna go.
- No! - No! What?
Yeah, it just feels weird
standing in line for Santa on Christmas Eve without a kid.
Oh, you can borrow one of mine.
Douglas, Rory is not replaceable.
Now, this first Christmas without him is gonna be hard,
but I had him last year,
so I have to deal with the fact that it's Ron's turn.
I'm sure Rory's having a blast in Hawaii.
Yeah.
Hey, want to be my plus-one to Dwayne's Christmas party?
It's gonna be me, Dwayne, and that's about it.
Thanks, Miggy, but I know myself,
and tonight is about sadness.
Like "trying a recipe from a box of crackers"- style sadness.
That's sad.
- I'll see y'all in the new year. - All righty.
- Bye, Poppy. - Bye.
Yo, G! It's almost your turn!
You psyched out of your mind?
I wish, but something happened at school
that sent me into a real spiral.
I can't believe it's Christmas!
What did you ask Santa for?
Um, I don't mean to ruin anything for you,
but if Santa was real,
he would have to visit 800 houses per second.
I don't want her to be right,
but things aren't adding up.
Um, heads up, Sophie.
This Santa's weirdly religious.
This Mall Santa's a formality.
This Christmas is gonna go down
just like all the others...
my mom's gonna rock it, and Dad's gonna blow it.
Is that true?
Yep. Christmas is all Mia.
Every year she sends Sophie
this Magic Box of awesome presents,
and I usually just end up
getting her a bunch of forgettable crap.
That fights everything I know to be true about you.
- Word. - But it's the truth.
I-I phone it in.
Christmas presents are overrated anyway.
That's why I keep it super chill at my house.
I just get Graham a bunch of Legos,
and he writes me a story about the two of us.
Wait, you don't exchange gifts with anybody else?
- Mnh-mnh. - Not even your boyfriend?
Owen? No.
- He's not my boyfriend. - Oh.
You know, we're keeping it at a nice, slow pace.
You're up, Graham.
I can't face the big guy right now.
I have too many questions.
Hey, I got you, G.
It's Santa time, Jack!
Hey, can you hold this little dude for me?
Thanks, brotha.
Yo, Santa, make some room on that lap for a big boy!
No, no, no, no.
- No! - Ah!
Okay, h-he is doing this for the kids' benefit, right?
He doesn't actually believe in Santa?
I don't even want to know. He drives our kids around.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Not while I'm taping things.
Owen?
Ho... Ho...
- Ho... - Oh, ho!
You've made the naughty list.
- I'm sorry. Is this horrible? - No.
I mean, you know, for anybody else, maybe, but...
Oh, you know Ol' Angie D is a Santa Hound.
- Mm. - Mm.
Ooh, I got a package for you.
Oh. Okay.
We're exchanging gifts.
Well, yeah, I mean, this is cool, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very cool.
But, um, you know, I-I rush-ordered you a gift,
and that's ready for pick-up, so I'm gonna go...
- Oh. - ...get that.
You don't have to go out on Christmas Eve.
No, no, no, I wanted to,
but, uh, Graham's in there sleeping, so, um...
Now you're here.
And if you don't mind just hanging out for 10 minutes,
I'll be right back.
Feel free to duct tape up the wreath.
If you have time.
Okay, cool.
Poppy?
Well, I hope you're home. You got a lot of candles going.
What do you want, Douglas?
Look, I-I know exactly what you're going through.
My first Christmas alone,
all I had to do was hear two notes from Perry Como,
and it was enough to make me cry.
I never did, but the potential was there.
This holiday was not designed with single parents in mind,
and that's why I'm gonna take a nap
until it's time to go to bed.
Okay, listen, can I just throw something out real quick?
The girls and I, we have a holiday tradition,
and we would be honored if you would join us.
Douglas, I'm not in the right emotional head space
for a holiday tradition.
I promise you, Poppy.
I know exactly what you need right now.
A Fogerty Christmas Eve at the club
will chase away your blues.
Welcome to the North Pole Bowl...
a festive gathering of loving families
kicking the dirt out of each other.
So, you people turned Jesus' birthday
into the Olympics?
Yeah. Isn't it great?
Okay, I'm gonna need both of these.
And, hey, stay close.
Talk about a white Christmas.
Angie!
Uh, everything all right?
You're looking especially jacked.
Owen just showed up unannounced
with a gift for me!
So now I have to wrap up some of your stuff
so I don't look like a total jerk who doesn't care!
How much for this jacket?
Well, first of all, that's my team jacket
from when I coached Sophie in soccer,
so $1 million.
And, second, can this wait? It's Christmas Eve.
- I got a ton of stuff to wrap for Sophie... - No, it can't wait.
Every store out there is a total mob scene.
You, Will Cooper,
are my only chance at a Christmas miracle.
So, you're asking me for a miracle?
Yes! I am!
I need to Tasmanian Devil through your personal belongings
until I find the right shirt, gadget, or tchotchke
that will save my relationship.
Only thing that's off limits is printer ink.
It's very expensive.
- That's fine. - Let's ransack my house.
You're the only person I know
who does their wrapping in the kitchen.
I like working with a chilled ribbon.
You know, I don't have time to unpack that,
but just keep looking.
Well, you're welcome to anything except this pile.
Those are my gifts to Sophie.
Wait.
Crocs?
Hand sanitizer, a...
A Hollywood hat?
Yeah.
God, Sophie's right, you do stink at this.
How are you someone who phones it in at Christmas?
- You never phone it in. - I phone stuff in all the time.
Sometimes I'll even lazily abbreviate words,
like it's no big D.
Will, look me in the eye...
Yeah.
- In my eyes. - I am.
And tell me
that off-brand beef jerky
is the best you can do...
...for your precious daughter, Sophie,
on her one Christmas morning, comes but once...
Of course it's not, okay?!
I am an excellent gift giver!
Finding someone the perfect gift
is the best and only way to say
"I get you, man.
- You are cherished." - So...
I lied! All right?
The Magic Box is not from Mia.
It's from me!
The trick to surviving holidays
is just distract yourself from your own emotions.
Some people like to mope in front of a fire.
I prefer to step on throats at the North Pole Bowl.
I was expecting more of a Bing Crosby vibe...
- Break it up. - Maybe a decent martini?
Hey, you know what? Ease up on the martinis, okay?
Because the twins and I,
we need you to be sharp
so I have a chance of winning the grand prize...
access to the club's 19th hole.
Please, Poppy.
I've only seen it in paintings.
So, you only invited me here because you needed a fourth?
Technically, yes,
but you want to know what's better
than being miserable at home?
Helping me meet Dan Marino,
one of the select few
granted access to the 19th hole.
- I have no idea who that is. - I know.
And it doesn't matter.
But do you know what I think does matter?
That you're around people right now.
That's good, because where you were headed earlier, that was bad.
It was not a good place.
Okay, step right up,
because you're next!
Douglas, you signed me up for an adult sack race,
and you didn't ask me first?
- Move it, Poppy! - Don't blow this for us!
Hop!
- My God, woman, hop! - You tricked me.
- I'm not gonna forget this. - That's good.
Use that anger to crush the other families.
Oh, did you just hip check me?!
You wanna spend Christmas in the hospital, huh?!
Wait, so I don't get it.
Why does Mia get all the credit
for the Magic Box
when she has nothing to do with it?
Mia tries, okay?
It's just Sophie is growing so fast,
and by the time the stuff gets here from the Sudan,
she's moved on to something else.
I guess I get that.
Graham will be heavy into Batman Legos,
and then wham!
The next minute it's all about Star Wars Legos,
and I'm sitting there with a Lego Robin in my hand
- like a freakin' idiot. - It's the worst.
So I came up with a simple system
that'll save Christmas for them.
It doesn't sound simple.
It sounds like "Westworld" -level confusing.
It's not, okay?
Mia doesn't know this, but I re-wrap her gifts.
I slap a tag on it that says, "From Dad."
Then I take my awesome gifts, I put them in the Magic Box.
And boom, perfect Christmas.
Maybe you deserve a perfect Christmas.
Thank you, that's very nice.
But this is how we do Christmas in my family.
Mia is the glitzy humanitarian,
and I'm the guy on the ground.
Making lunches.
Fighting with the dentist.
Why do you fight with the dentist?
- Because he doesn't get it. - Okay.
Sexy niche you've carved out for yourself.
She's the amazing gift giver,
and you're the guy who fights with the dentist.
He fights with me!
Whatever, man.
You have a really weird Christmas routine,
and I think deep down, you know that.
Do you know what's weird?
Not getting your boyfriend a Christmas present.
I... I told you, he's not my boyfriend.
Exactly! And that's weird!
What's it been? Like, a year? What's wrong with him?
Does he have a weird birthmark?
Does he say "catsup" instead of "ketchup"?
Does his apartment have, like, a weird smell?
Like, not like a bad smell or a good smell,
but just a very distinct smell, like, "What is that smell?"
What's wrong? Does...
- Is he a bad dancer or a good dancer? - No!
It's not about Owen.
It's about Graham and Owen.
There's a reason I haven't introduced them.
I'm raising a... a 7-year-old,
and it's really hard.
And Owen is a 30-year-old guy
without a care in the world, and...
I just can't picture him being ready for that.
Or maybe you're not ready for that.
Yeah, maybe I'm not.
Then what the heck are you doing here, Angie,
turning my house upside-down?
You got to go to him.
You have to figure this out.
I think you're right.
I have to go break up with him.
Uh, no.
Not what I was saying at all.
You can do it, honey! Come on!
- Yes! - Yes!
Yes!
Come at me! Come at me!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. - Way to go, Emma or Amy.
You got this.
Oh, I know I do, Amy.
Be the tree.
Ah!
And that's how you win Christmas, dirtbags!
- Yes! - Boom!
And that's how you carefully carry an ornament!
I knew you were our missing piece!
Nobody's gonna be able to catch us.
Poppy? You missed a call from Rory.
He said he's going to a luau with no service.
He'll call you tomorrow.
I missed a call from my baby.
But you were having a great time with us, right?
But I shouldn't be. Not without him.
No, no, come on. Don't... Don't leave.
You're the only one with enough speed
to catch the Christmas goose!
Mom?
This guy in shorts says he's the real Santa.
Merry Christmas, Ms. D'Amato!
And now you've met my son.
Isn't it amazing that we're standing here
with the real Santa Claus?
I don't know, Mom.
This guy isn't doing a lot to convince me.
The details of his friendship with the Easter Bunny
keep changing.
Your son's had a lot of questions.
Are you watching me with cameras
- or is it more of a psychic thing? - Uh...
What did Abraham Lincoln get for Christmas?
Doesn't there have to be some gray area
between naughty and nice?
Oh, boy. Um...
Of all the actors who played you,
who do you think nailed it?
Tim Allen?
Does being alive as long as you have
ever feel like a curse?
This little boy is not a fan of yes or no answers.
He wants details.
I like to be painted a picture.
You know what?
I think Santa should probably be getting back to work.
Every minute he spends with us
is another child's Christmas ruined.
That's right.
My favorite Christmas tradition,
answering the door!
Miggy? What are you doing here?
Without getting into it,
me and Dwayne are in a fight.
Happens every time we watch "Elf."
So I was just chilling at home with Jack
when Graham called me about Santa.
Is this the guy, Graham?
Looks like the real deal to me.
I'm not fully convinced yet.
Hmm.
If you're the real Santa Claus,
do you remember the year you brought me that N64?
Yes?
Did you hear that, Graham? It all checks out.
Yep. Yep.
It all checks out.
So, Santa should probably be getting back to work,
'cause who knows how much longer
our roof will support the weight of his sleigh.
- Yeah. - Just one more question.
A girl at my school says
you'd have to visit 800 houses every second
if you were real.
How do you do that?!
I-I know the answer's magic,
but I want to go past that.
Well, uh...
Your friend is, um...
Your friend is...
is too worried about the math.
You see, I'm able to bring holiday cheer
to so many people in one night
because I have a lot of help.
Yeah, yeah.
I-I got parents, and friends,
and mall Santas,
and I inspire every one of them to do their part.
And so, together, we're all Santa.
And having so much help frees me up
to make special one-on-one visits
to good little boys and girls
that might need a little extra Christmas magic.
Wow.
Damn, dude.
This is Santa!
I never doubted you for a second!
It's been a pleasure, sir.
Yo, Santa. Come on. I'll walk you out.
Oh, Miggy?
Don't you think you should be
getting baby Jack back to bed?
Right. Smart.
He won't be coming to the crib unless we're asleep.
Good night.
Angie? Will Cooper.
I've been, uh, thinking about this Magic Box situation,
and, um... you were right.
This year, Sophie is getting the good presents from Dad.
All right.
Sorry for so many messages.
Your phone kept cutting me off.
Bye.
Dad, can I...
What's that?
A glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
That's so cool!
It must be from Mom!
Yeah.
She nailed it again.
But unfortunately,
because of the 2018 Christmas Code of Conduct,
since you're out of bed,
I have to give this to Toys for Tots...
- I was never here! - Okay.
I guess we can add "meeting sexy Santa"
to the list of things
that he'll eventually tell his therapist.
Should we open these gifts?
Um...
Wait, I have to tell you something.
I was ready to end this tonight.
'Cause I didn't know if I could see you with my son.
And then I watched you
convince him that Santa really exists,
and... you're wonderful.
I didn't get you a gift.
I wish I had,
because I'm sure whatever this is
is really thoughtful...
I got you a candle.
Vanilla?
Is this the same kind
- we have in the bathroom at work? - Yep.
Realized that after the fact.
Real bummer.
Look, I got all in my head
about where we were as a couple.
- Mm-hmm. - Are we jewelry?
Are we "Owen Bucks"?
I needed to get something that showed how much I like you
while also not spooking you.
And that gift does not exist.
So, therefore, candle.
- Candle. - Yeah.
Owen...
I'm rusty at this.
Will you be my boyfriend?
Yeah.
Okay.
- Can you put the beard back on? - Oh, definitely.
- Okay. - Yeah.
It's Christmas.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Merry Christmas. - We cut this down ourselves.
Yeah, your neighbor can send me a bill.
- Keys. - Yep.
- Where are they going? - To get the stand.
They've done this before.
Look, Douglas, I appreciate the gesture,
but you guys don't want to be here.
I put a pair of Rory's PJs on the couch cushion...
and, well, we've been spooning.
Okay, well, I do want to be here.
I'm not gonna try to talk you out of being sad.
I just wanted to, uh, sit with you.
All right. Well, sit wherever you want.
Just not on my son, the couch cushion.
Sorry I cost you guys the 19th hole.
What, are you kidding? We still won.
- By a lot. - Oh.
You know, Christmas wasn't always such a marathon
like it is today.
It's exhausting.
I'm mad at every single one of those damn songs.
Except Mariah. I love her.
- For Rose and I, it was Perry Como. - Mm.
Can you believe I met a 27-year-old
who loved Perry Como?
And after she died,
I just could never listen to him again.
Luckily, avoiding Perry Como is extremely easy
- most of the year, so... - Hmm.
- Holidays are hard. - Ugh. I know.
So, this is what it's like when you're...
not distracting yourself from your feelings.
Mm-hmm.
Welcome to the dark side.
Thanks for being here with me.
It's kind of nice.
Yeah.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, no. I was just, uh...
- Hmm... - Already bored.
He lifts, bro.
Angie, Graham, Emma and Amy don't believe me.
Can you please tell them that Santa is toned as hell?
He's in excellent shape for his age,
and he's a great listener.
He was just there with us.
So present.
My only complaint was that he didn't hit us
with a classic "Ho, ho, ho."
But meeting him was what I wanted this year.
And he knew that.
Okay, at what point should we be worried
- that he's... - Never.
- We must never ask this question. - Okay.
Hey, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry if I got in your head about Owen last night.
- How'd he take it? - Things are pretty good.
He's my boyfriend now.
- Wow! - Yeah.
Oh!
That's... That's great.
Good for you.
But, you know, you should apologize
about the five voicemails you left me.
And you kept on introducing yourself.
- I know it's you. - You might know other Wills.
- I don't. - Angie, look.
It's from my mom.
And it glows in the dark!
Oh, wow! That's really cool, Soph.
I knew you weren't gonna take credit
for any of that good stuff.
Yeah, but look how happy she is.
That's my perfect Christmas.
Mm. I get it.
There is one gift I will take credit for.
Angie, Merry Christmas from me.
Oh!
This is, like, every story Graham's ever written me.
"'The Complete Short Stories' by Graham D'Amato,
edited by William Cooper."
You weren't shy about taking credit on this one.
Yeah, I had to get in there.
Your kid loves a tangent.
You get me, man.
I feel cherished.
That was the goal.
Hello?
Everyone shut up. It's Dan Marino's assistant!
Yes, Megan, and to you.
I see.
No problem.
Marino's blowing me off!
What are we looking at here?
I drew a picture of you guys!
- Uh-huh. - So, where's our present?
You guys, it's Rory!
It's Rory! Get together!
- Ooh! - Ooh!
- Mele Kalikimaka, Rory! - Hey, Rory!
I miss you guys,
and I really, really miss you, Mom.
Oh, baby. I love you.
I didn't know I could miss you so much.
Mom, I know we're having a moment,
but could you please hand the phone over to Miggy?
- Your framing is trash. - You know what?
- Yeah, it's pretty trash. It's okay. - I have to...
- I got you. - Oh.
- Do you want me to skip ahead? - Oh, no, no.
- It's on shuffle. - That's okay. I... I love this song.
Hadn't heard it in a while.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com