1
00:00:00,031 --> 00:00:03,859
We want matching 2200-watt
industrial jackhammers.
2
00:00:03,930 --> 00:00:06,200
There's more. Get a pen out, old man.
3
00:00:06,255 --> 00:00:08,156
It's weird to see Santa outside.
4
00:00:08,193 --> 00:00:09,117
It feels wrong,
5
00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:10,642
like when there's a bird in the airport.
6
00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:12,242
Oh, I don't mind this.
7
00:00:12,267 --> 00:00:14,350
Watching people smoke
while they're waiting for Santa
8
00:00:14,375 --> 00:00:15,991
takes me back to my childhood.
9
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,254
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
10
00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:19,705
Had to look my best for old Saint Nick.
11
00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:21,027
What are we working with?
12
00:00:21,052 --> 00:00:22,090
Well, he's a little sweaty,
13
00:00:22,115 --> 00:00:23,400
but I dig that he's legit fat.
14
00:00:23,425 --> 00:00:25,795
But how rosy are those cheeks?
15
00:00:25,827 --> 00:00:27,896
How merry are those dimples?
16
00:00:27,929 --> 00:00:30,175
Okay, I cannot support
your Santa fetish.
17
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,925
Look, it was very thoughtful of
you all to keep me in the mix,
18
00:00:31,950 --> 00:00:32,934
but I'm gonna go.
19
00:00:32,959 --> 00:00:34,102
- No!
- No! What?
20
00:00:34,136 --> 00:00:35,543
Yeah, it just feels weird
21
00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:38,083
standing in line for Santa on
Christmas Eve without a kid.
22
00:00:38,108 --> 00:00:39,732
Oh, you can borrow one of mine.
23
00:00:39,771 --> 00:00:41,974
Douglas, Rory is not replaceable.
24
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,809
Now, this first Christmas
without him is gonna be hard,
25
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,248
but I had him last year,
26
00:00:45,273 --> 00:00:47,172
so I have to deal with the fact
that it's Ron's turn.
27
00:00:47,205 --> 00:00:49,374
I'm sure Rory's having a blast in Hawaii.
28
00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:50,240
Yeah.
29
00:00:50,265 --> 00:00:52,345
Hey, want to be my plus-one
to Dwayne's Christmas party?
30
00:00:52,378 --> 00:00:55,093
It's gonna be me, Dwayne,
and that's about it.
31
00:00:55,125 --> 00:00:56,594
Thanks, Miggy, but I know myself,
32
00:00:56,628 --> 00:00:58,096
and tonight is about sadness.
33
00:00:58,128 --> 00:01:00,650
Like "trying a recipe from a box
of crackers"- style sadness.
34
00:01:00,675 --> 00:01:01,689
That's sad.
35
00:01:01,714 --> 00:01:02,806
- I'll see y'all in the new year.
- All righty.
36
00:01:02,831 --> 00:01:04,369
- Bye, Poppy.
- Bye.
37
00:01:04,401 --> 00:01:06,004
Yo, G! It's almost your turn!
38
00:01:06,037 --> 00:01:07,371
You psyched out of your mind?
39
00:01:07,404 --> 00:01:09,740
I wish, but something happened at school
40
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:11,951
that sent me into a real spiral.
41
00:01:11,975 --> 00:01:13,944
I can't believe it's Christmas!
42
00:01:13,977 --> 00:01:15,889
What did you ask Santa for?
43
00:01:15,922 --> 00:01:18,223
Um, I don't mean to ruin
anything for you,
44
00:01:18,248 --> 00:01:19,899
but if Santa was real,
45
00:01:19,924 --> 00:01:23,160
he would have to visit
800 houses per second.
46
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,836
I don't want her to be right,
47
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,281
but things aren't adding up.
48
00:01:29,305 --> 00:01:30,940
Um, heads up, Sophie.
49
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,238
This Santa's weirdly religious.
50
00:01:33,263 --> 00:01:34,965
This Mall Santa's a formality.
51
00:01:34,990 --> 00:01:36,465
This Christmas is gonna go down
52
00:01:36,490 --> 00:01:37,958
just like all the others...
53
00:01:37,983 --> 00:01:40,356
my mom's gonna rock it,
and Dad's gonna blow it.
54
00:01:40,382 --> 00:01:42,284
Is that true?
55
00:01:42,309 --> 00:01:44,011
Yep. Christmas is all Mia.
56
00:01:44,044 --> 00:01:45,279
Every year she sends Sophie
57
00:01:45,312 --> 00:01:47,181
this Magic Box of awesome presents,
58
00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:48,383
and I usually just end up
59
00:01:48,416 --> 00:01:50,118
getting her a bunch of forgettable crap.
60
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,696
That fights everything
I know to be true about you.
61
00:01:52,705 --> 00:01:54,141
- Word.
- But it's the truth.
62
00:01:54,174 --> 00:01:55,809
I-I phone it in.
63
00:01:55,841 --> 00:01:57,543
Christmas presents are overrated anyway.
64
00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,345
That's why I keep it
super chill at my house.
65
00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,181
I just get Graham a bunch of Legos,
66
00:02:01,213 --> 00:02:03,244
and he writes me a story
about the two of us.
67
00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:05,424
Wait, you don't exchange gifts
with anybody else?
68
00:02:05,449 --> 00:02:06,627
- Mnh-mnh.
- Not even your boyfriend?
69
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:07,626
Owen? No.
70
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,829
- He's not my boyfriend.
- Oh.
71
00:02:08,854 --> 00:02:10,846
You know, we're keeping it
at a nice, slow pace.
72
00:02:10,871 --> 00:02:12,540
You're up, Graham.
73
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:14,634
I can't face the big guy right now.
74
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,269
I have too many questions.
75
00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:17,836
Hey, I got you, G.
76
00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:20,039
It's Santa time, Jack!
77
00:02:20,072 --> 00:02:21,607
Hey, can you hold
this little dude for me?
78
00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:22,677
Thanks, brotha.
79
00:02:22,702 --> 00:02:25,752
Yo, Santa, make some room
on that lap for a big boy!
80
00:02:25,777 --> 00:02:27,212
No, no, no, no.
81
00:02:27,246 --> 00:02:28,560
- No!
- Ah!
82
00:02:28,580 --> 00:02:31,149
Okay, h-he is doing this
for the kids' benefit, right?
83
00:02:31,183 --> 00:02:33,052
He doesn't actually believe in Santa?
84
00:02:33,084 --> 00:02:35,400
I don't even want to know.
He drives our kids around.
85
00:02:37,941 --> 00:02:40,720
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:02:46,064 --> 00:02:47,833
Not while I'm taping things.
87
00:02:52,237 --> 00:02:53,839
Owen?
88
00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:56,051
Ho... Ho...
89
00:02:56,107 --> 00:02:57,918
- Ho...
- Oh, ho!
90
00:02:57,943 --> 00:03:00,113
You've made the naughty list.
91
00:03:01,608 --> 00:03:03,333
- I'm sorry. Is this horrible?
- No.
92
00:03:03,358 --> 00:03:05,628
I mean, you know,
for anybody else, maybe, but...
93
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:08,248
Oh, you know Ol' Angie D
is a Santa Hound.
94
00:03:08,273 --> 00:03:09,355
- Mm.
- Mm.
95
00:03:09,387 --> 00:03:11,089
Ooh, I got a package for you.
96
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,559
Oh. Okay.
97
00:03:13,592 --> 00:03:14,812
We're exchanging gifts.
98
00:03:14,837 --> 00:03:16,395
Well, yeah, I mean, this is cool, right?
99
00:03:16,427 --> 00:03:18,632
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very cool.
100
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:21,600
But, um, you know,
I-I rush-ordered you a gift,
101
00:03:21,632 --> 00:03:23,368
and that's ready for pick-up,
so I'm gonna go...
102
00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:24,770
- Oh.
- ...get that.
103
00:03:24,802 --> 00:03:26,104
You don't have to go out
on Christmas Eve.
104
00:03:26,137 --> 00:03:27,504
No, no, no, I wanted to,
105
00:03:27,529 --> 00:03:30,561
but, uh, Graham's in there
sleeping, so, um...
106
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,621
Now you're here.
107
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,590
And if you don't mind just
hanging out for 10 minutes,
108
00:03:33,615 --> 00:03:34,807
I'll be right back.
109
00:03:34,832 --> 00:03:36,315
Feel free to duct tape up the wreath.
110
00:03:36,348 --> 00:03:37,482
If you have time.
111
00:03:41,081 --> 00:03:42,483
Okay, cool.
112
00:03:42,508 --> 00:03:44,845
Poppy?
113
00:03:46,387 --> 00:03:48,991
Well, I hope you're home.
You got a lot of candles going.
114
00:03:51,175 --> 00:03:52,860
What do you want, Douglas?
115
00:03:52,885 --> 00:03:56,015
Look, I-I know exactly
what you're going through.
116
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,876
My first Christmas alone,
117
00:03:57,918 --> 00:04:00,159
all I had to do was hear
two notes from Perry Como,
118
00:04:00,184 --> 00:04:02,356
and it was enough to make me cry.
119
00:04:02,381 --> 00:04:04,883
I never did,
but the potential was there.
120
00:04:04,925 --> 00:04:07,427
This holiday was not designed
with single parents in mind,
121
00:04:07,461 --> 00:04:08,974
and that's why I'm gonna take a nap
122
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,357
until it's time to go to bed.
123
00:04:10,389 --> 00:04:12,845
Okay, listen, can I just throw
something out real quick?
124
00:04:12,876 --> 00:04:15,780
The girls and I,
we have a holiday tradition,
125
00:04:15,813 --> 00:04:18,269
and we would be honored
if you would join us.
126
00:04:18,294 --> 00:04:20,176
Douglas, I'm not in the right
emotional head space
127
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:21,342
for a holiday tradition.
128
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:22,543
I promise you, Poppy.
129
00:04:22,568 --> 00:04:24,700
I know exactly what you need right now.
130
00:04:24,725 --> 00:04:27,262
A Fogerty Christmas Eve at the club
131
00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:29,222
will chase away your blues.
132
00:04:34,031 --> 00:04:35,966
Welcome to the North Pole Bowl...
133
00:04:35,993 --> 00:04:38,318
a festive gathering of loving families
134
00:04:38,343 --> 00:04:40,636
kicking the dirt out of each other.
135
00:04:40,669 --> 00:04:43,599
So, you people turned Jesus' birthday
136
00:04:43,624 --> 00:04:44,951
into the Olympics?
137
00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:46,567
Yeah. Isn't it great?
138
00:04:46,592 --> 00:04:48,200
Okay, I'm gonna need both of these.
139
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,857
And, hey, stay close.
140
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:53,060
Talk about a white Christmas.
141
00:04:55,897 --> 00:04:57,490
Angie!
142
00:04:57,515 --> 00:04:59,709
Uh, everything all right?
143
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:00,935
You're looking especially jacked.
144
00:05:00,969 --> 00:05:02,853
Owen just showed up unannounced
145
00:05:02,878 --> 00:05:03,839
with a gift for me!
146
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,339
So now I have to wrap up
some of your stuff
147
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:07,509
so I don't look like
a total jerk who doesn't care!
148
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,943
How much for this jacket?
149
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,813
Well, first of all,
that's my team jacket
150
00:05:10,846 --> 00:05:12,014
from when I coached Sophie in soccer,
151
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:13,886
so $1 million.
152
00:05:13,911 --> 00:05:16,342
And, second, can this wait?
It's Christmas Eve.
153
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:18,834
- I got a ton of stuff to wrap for Sophie...
- No, it can't wait.
154
00:05:18,859 --> 00:05:21,006
Every store out there
is a total mob scene.
155
00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:23,333
You, Will Cooper,
156
00:05:23,374 --> 00:05:26,010
are my only chance
at a Christmas miracle.
157
00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:27,654
So, you're asking me for a miracle?
158
00:05:27,679 --> 00:05:29,272
Yes! I am!
159
00:05:29,304 --> 00:05:32,174
I need to Tasmanian Devil
through your personal belongings
160
00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:34,578
until I find the right shirt,
gadget, or tchotchke
161
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:37,780
that will save my relationship.
162
00:05:37,814 --> 00:05:39,485
Only thing that's off limits
is printer ink.
163
00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:40,945
It's very expensive.
164
00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:42,798
- That's fine.
- Let's ransack my house.
165
00:05:45,569 --> 00:05:46,878
You're the only person I know
166
00:05:46,903 --> 00:05:48,294
who does their wrapping in the kitchen.
167
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,004
I like working with a chilled ribbon.
168
00:05:50,036 --> 00:05:51,504
You know, I don't have time
to unpack that,
169
00:05:51,538 --> 00:05:52,807
but just keep looking.
170
00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,041
Well, you're welcome to anything
except this pile.
171
00:05:55,074 --> 00:05:56,444
Those are my gifts to Sophie.
172
00:05:56,476 --> 00:05:57,877
Wait.
173
00:05:57,911 --> 00:06:00,146
Crocs?
174
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:02,483
Hand sanitizer, a...
175
00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:03,516
A Hollywood hat?
176
00:06:03,558 --> 00:06:04,629
Yeah.
177
00:06:04,654 --> 00:06:06,723
God, Sophie's right,
you do stink at this.
178
00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:09,426
How are you someone
who phones it in at Christmas?
179
00:06:09,451 --> 00:06:12,074
- You never phone it in.
- I phone stuff in all the time.
180
00:06:12,119 --> 00:06:14,489
Sometimes I'll even lazily
abbreviate words,
181
00:06:14,522 --> 00:06:15,723
like it's no big D.
182
00:06:15,756 --> 00:06:18,092
Will, look me in the eye...
183
00:06:18,124 --> 00:06:19,593
Yeah.
184
00:06:19,618 --> 00:06:20,904
- In my eyes.
- I am.
185
00:06:20,929 --> 00:06:22,464
And tell me
186
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,669
that off-brand beef jerky
187
00:06:25,709 --> 00:06:26,777
is the best you can do...
188
00:06:26,802 --> 00:06:29,364
...for your precious daughter, Sophie,
189
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,750
on her one Christmas morning,
comes but once...
190
00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:32,884
Of course it's not, okay?!
191
00:06:32,916 --> 00:06:34,786
I am an excellent gift giver!
192
00:06:34,824 --> 00:06:35,854
Finding someone the perfect gift
193
00:06:35,887 --> 00:06:37,656
is the best and only way to say
194
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:38,823
"I get you, man.
195
00:06:38,855 --> 00:06:40,694
- You are cherished."
- So...
196
00:06:40,719 --> 00:06:41,988
I lied! All right?
197
00:06:42,013 --> 00:06:44,522
The Magic Box is not from Mia.
198
00:06:44,546 --> 00:06:45,613
It's from me!
199
00:06:47,349 --> 00:06:49,249
The trick to surviving holidays
200
00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:51,694
is just distract yourself
from your own emotions.
201
00:06:51,719 --> 00:06:53,957
Some people like to mope
in front of a fire.
202
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,885
I prefer to step on throats
at the North Pole Bowl.
203
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,149
I was expecting
more of a Bing Crosby vibe...
204
00:07:01,174 --> 00:07:02,791
- Break it up.
- Maybe a decent martini?
205
00:07:02,832 --> 00:07:04,680
Hey, you know what?
Ease up on the martinis, okay?
206
00:07:04,705 --> 00:07:05,772
Because the twins and I,
207
00:07:05,797 --> 00:07:06,813
we need you to be sharp
208
00:07:06,838 --> 00:07:09,394
so I have a chance
of winning the grand prize...
209
00:07:09,419 --> 00:07:12,466
access to the club's 19th hole.
210
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,405
Please, Poppy.
211
00:07:13,437 --> 00:07:15,105
I've only seen it in paintings.
212
00:07:15,139 --> 00:07:17,841
So, you only invited me here
because you needed a fourth?
213
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:19,242
Technically, yes,
214
00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:20,249
but you want to know what's better
215
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,451
than being miserable at home?
216
00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:23,480
Helping me meet Dan Marino,
217
00:07:23,514 --> 00:07:24,633
one of the select few
218
00:07:24,672 --> 00:07:26,912
granted access to the 19th hole.
219
00:07:26,967 --> 00:07:28,435
- I have no idea who that is.
- I know.
220
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,371
And it doesn't matter.
221
00:07:30,404 --> 00:07:31,805
But do you know what
I think does matter?
222
00:07:31,837 --> 00:07:33,699
That you're around people right now.
223
00:07:33,724 --> 00:07:36,477
That's good, because where you
were headed earlier, that was bad.
224
00:07:36,510 --> 00:07:37,444
It was not a good place.
225
00:07:37,477 --> 00:07:38,736
Okay, step right up,
226
00:07:38,761 --> 00:07:40,280
because you're next!
227
00:07:40,830 --> 00:07:43,123
Douglas, you signed me up
for an adult sack race,
228
00:07:43,148 --> 00:07:44,631
and you didn't ask me first?
229
00:07:44,656 --> 00:07:47,007
- Move it, Poppy!
- Don't blow this for us!
230
00:07:47,032 --> 00:07:48,100
Hop!
231
00:07:48,148 --> 00:07:49,719
- My God, woman, hop!
- You tricked me.
232
00:07:49,754 --> 00:07:51,608
- I'm not gonna forget this.
- That's good.
233
00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:54,952
Use that anger
to crush the other families.
234
00:07:54,977 --> 00:07:56,693
Oh, did you just hip check me?!
235
00:07:56,717 --> 00:07:59,385
You wanna spend Christmas
in the hospital, huh?!
236
00:07:59,419 --> 00:08:01,188
Wait, so I don't get it.
237
00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,422
Why does Mia get all the credit
238
00:08:02,455 --> 00:08:03,456
for the Magic Box
239
00:08:03,489 --> 00:08:04,757
when she has nothing to do with it?
240
00:08:04,791 --> 00:08:06,460
Mia tries, okay?
241
00:08:06,493 --> 00:08:09,330
It's just Sophie is growing so fast,
242
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,528
and by the time the stuff
gets here from the Sudan,
243
00:08:11,553 --> 00:08:12,606
she's moved on to something else.
244
00:08:12,646 --> 00:08:13,881
I guess I get that.
245
00:08:13,913 --> 00:08:15,955
Graham will be heavy into Batman Legos,
246
00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:17,041
and then wham!
247
00:08:17,084 --> 00:08:18,915
The next minute
it's all about Star Wars Legos,
248
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,451
and I'm sitting there
with a Lego Robin in my hand
249
00:08:20,476 --> 00:08:22,217
- like a freakin' idiot.
- It's the worst.
250
00:08:22,249 --> 00:08:23,885
So I came up with a simple system
251
00:08:23,910 --> 00:08:25,218
that'll save Christmas for them.
252
00:08:25,251 --> 00:08:26,353
It doesn't sound simple.
253
00:08:26,386 --> 00:08:28,021
It sounds like
"Westworld" -level confusing.
254
00:08:28,054 --> 00:08:29,222
It's not, okay?
255
00:08:29,255 --> 00:08:31,025
Mia doesn't know this,
but I re-wrap her gifts.
256
00:08:31,058 --> 00:08:32,575
I slap a tag on it
that says, "From Dad."
257
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,637
Then I take my awesome gifts,
I put them in the Magic Box.
258
00:08:34,662 --> 00:08:35,897
And boom, perfect Christmas.
259
00:08:35,935 --> 00:08:38,472
Maybe you deserve a perfect Christmas.
260
00:08:38,504 --> 00:08:41,147
Thank you, that's very nice.
261
00:08:41,179 --> 00:08:43,311
But this is how we do Christmas
in my family.
262
00:08:43,336 --> 00:08:45,378
Mia is the glitzy humanitarian,
263
00:08:45,411 --> 00:08:46,889
and I'm the guy on the ground.
264
00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:48,083
Making lunches.
265
00:08:48,108 --> 00:08:49,053
Fighting with the dentist.
266
00:08:49,077 --> 00:08:50,332
Why do you fight with the dentist?
267
00:08:50,357 --> 00:08:52,173
- Because he doesn't get it.
- Okay.
268
00:08:52,207 --> 00:08:53,997
Sexy niche
you've carved out for yourself.
269
00:08:54,022 --> 00:08:55,945
She's the amazing gift giver,
270
00:08:55,977 --> 00:08:58,580
and you're the guy
who fights with the dentist.
271
00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:00,549
He fights with me!
272
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,043
Whatever, man.
273
00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:05,073
You have a really weird
Christmas routine,
274
00:09:05,098 --> 00:09:06,771
and I think deep down, you know that.
275
00:09:06,795 --> 00:09:08,174
Do you know what's weird?
276
00:09:08,206 --> 00:09:10,275
Not getting your boyfriend
a Christmas present.
277
00:09:10,309 --> 00:09:12,178
I... I told you, he's not my boyfriend.
278
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,833
Exactly! And that's weird!
279
00:09:13,858 --> 00:09:15,547
What's it been? Like, a year?
What's wrong with him?
280
00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:16,828
Does he have a weird birthmark?
281
00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,703
Does he say "catsup"
instead of "ketchup"?
282
00:09:18,735 --> 00:09:20,504
Does his apartment have,
like, a weird smell?
283
00:09:20,537 --> 00:09:21,839
Like, not like a bad smell
or a good smell,
284
00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:24,085
but just a very distinct smell,
like, "What is that smell?"
285
00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:25,046
What's wrong? Does...
286
00:09:25,071 --> 00:09:26,510
- Is he a bad dancer or a good dancer?
- No!
287
00:09:26,543 --> 00:09:28,244
It's not about Owen.
288
00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:31,406
It's about Graham and Owen.
289
00:09:31,439 --> 00:09:34,275
There's a reason
I haven't introduced them.
290
00:09:34,308 --> 00:09:37,178
I'm raising a... a 7-year-old,
291
00:09:37,212 --> 00:09:38,813
and it's really hard.
292
00:09:39,672 --> 00:09:41,828
And Owen is a 30-year-old guy
293
00:09:41,853 --> 00:09:44,522
without a care in the world, and...
294
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:47,946
I just can't picture him
being ready for that.
295
00:09:48,494 --> 00:09:52,489
Or maybe you're not ready for that.
296
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,121
Yeah, maybe I'm not.
297
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,871
Then what the heck
are you doing here, Angie,
298
00:09:58,896 --> 00:10:01,297
turning my house upside-down?
299
00:10:01,331 --> 00:10:02,933
You got to go to him.
300
00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:04,368
You have to figure this out.
301
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:05,868
I think you're right.
302
00:10:05,901 --> 00:10:08,037
I have to go break up with him.
303
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:09,143
Uh, no.
304
00:10:09,168 --> 00:10:10,741
Not what I was saying at all.
305
00:10:12,615 --> 00:10:14,857
You can do it, honey! Come on!
306
00:10:14,874 --> 00:10:15,775
- Yes!
- Yes!
307
00:10:15,808 --> 00:10:17,778
Yes!
308
00:10:17,811 --> 00:10:19,326
Come at me! Come at me!
309
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:22,084
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
- Way to go, Emma or Amy.
310
00:10:23,516 --> 00:10:25,475
You got this.
311
00:10:25,507 --> 00:10:27,476
Oh, I know I do, Amy.
312
00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:30,234
Be the tree.
313
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,739
Ah!
314
00:10:32,771 --> 00:10:36,742
And that's how you win
Christmas, dirtbags!
315
00:10:43,255 --> 00:10:45,014
- Yes!
- Boom!
316
00:10:45,039 --> 00:10:47,409
And that's how you
carefully carry an ornament!
317
00:10:47,442 --> 00:10:49,177
I knew you were our missing piece!
318
00:10:49,209 --> 00:10:50,911
Nobody's gonna be able to catch us.
319
00:10:50,944 --> 00:10:53,781
Poppy? You missed a call from Rory.
320
00:10:53,814 --> 00:10:57,091
He said he's going to a luau
with no service.
321
00:10:57,116 --> 00:10:58,854
He'll call you tomorrow.
322
00:10:58,886 --> 00:11:00,521
I missed a call from my baby.
323
00:11:00,562 --> 00:11:02,429
But you were having a great time
with us, right?
324
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:04,283
But I shouldn't be. Not without him.
325
00:11:04,308 --> 00:11:06,205
No, no, come on. Don't... Don't leave.
326
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,658
You're the only one with enough speed
327
00:11:07,683 --> 00:11:09,408
to catch the Christmas goose!
328
00:11:10,597 --> 00:11:12,000
Mom?
329
00:11:12,033 --> 00:11:15,771
This guy in shorts
says he's the real Santa.
330
00:11:15,804 --> 00:11:19,107
Merry Christmas, Ms. D'Amato!
331
00:11:20,692 --> 00:11:22,310
And now you've met my son.
332
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,738
Isn't it amazing
that we're standing here
333
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,874
with the real Santa Claus?
334
00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:30,452
I don't know, Mom.
335
00:11:30,477 --> 00:11:32,928
This guy isn't doing a lot
to convince me.
336
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:35,423
The details of his friendship
with the Easter Bunny
337
00:11:35,448 --> 00:11:37,243
keep changing.
338
00:11:37,313 --> 00:11:39,627
Your son's had a lot of questions.
339
00:11:39,652 --> 00:11:41,228
Are you watching me with cameras
340
00:11:41,257 --> 00:11:43,751
- or is it more of a psychic thing?
- Uh...
341
00:11:43,802 --> 00:11:46,582
What did Abraham Lincoln
get for Christmas?
342
00:11:46,607 --> 00:11:48,878
Doesn't there have to be some gray area
343
00:11:48,903 --> 00:11:50,355
between naughty and nice?
344
00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:51,909
Oh, boy. Um...
345
00:11:51,957 --> 00:11:53,427
Of all the actors who played you,
346
00:11:53,452 --> 00:11:55,587
who do you think nailed it?
347
00:11:55,621 --> 00:11:57,222
Tim Allen?
348
00:11:57,255 --> 00:11:59,225
Does being alive as long as you have
349
00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:00,759
ever feel like a curse?
350
00:12:00,784 --> 00:12:02,686
This little boy is not a fan
of yes or no answers.
351
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,054
He wants details.
352
00:12:04,079 --> 00:12:06,328
I like to be painted a picture.
353
00:12:06,353 --> 00:12:07,732
You know what?
354
00:12:07,765 --> 00:12:09,767
I think Santa should probably
be getting back to work.
355
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,169
Every minute he spends with us
356
00:12:11,202 --> 00:12:13,965
is another child's Christmas ruined.
357
00:12:13,990 --> 00:12:14,972
That's right.
358
00:12:15,005 --> 00:12:16,674
My favorite Christmas tradition,
359
00:12:16,707 --> 00:12:17,943
answering the door!
360
00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:21,445
Miggy? What are you doing here?
361
00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:22,554
Without getting into it,
362
00:12:22,579 --> 00:12:23,790
me and Dwayne are in a fight.
363
00:12:23,815 --> 00:12:25,477
Happens every time we watch "Elf."
364
00:12:25,502 --> 00:12:27,024
So I was just chilling at home with Jack
365
00:12:27,049 --> 00:12:29,304
when Graham called me about Santa.
366
00:12:30,613 --> 00:12:32,415
Is this the guy, Graham?
367
00:12:32,448 --> 00:12:34,584
Looks like the real deal to me.
368
00:12:34,617 --> 00:12:37,369
I'm not fully convinced yet.
369
00:12:37,394 --> 00:12:39,255
Hmm.
370
00:12:39,287 --> 00:12:40,623
If you're the real Santa Claus,
371
00:12:40,656 --> 00:12:42,959
do you remember the year
you brought me that N64?
372
00:12:42,992 --> 00:12:44,794
Yes?
373
00:12:46,628 --> 00:12:48,679
Did you hear that, Graham?
It all checks out.
374
00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:50,132
Yep. Yep.
375
00:12:50,166 --> 00:12:51,795
It all checks out.
376
00:12:51,827 --> 00:12:54,006
So, Santa should probably
be getting back to work,
377
00:12:54,037 --> 00:12:55,373
'cause who knows how much longer
378
00:12:55,398 --> 00:12:56,701
our roof will support
the weight of his sleigh.
379
00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:59,266
- Yeah.
- Just one more question.
380
00:12:59,291 --> 00:13:00,767
A girl at my school says
381
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,891
you'd have to visit
800 houses every second
382
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,051
if you were real.
383
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,419
How do you do that?!
384
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,704
I-I know the answer's magic,
385
00:13:08,729 --> 00:13:10,820
but I want to go past that.
386
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,751
Well, uh...
387
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:16,648
Your friend is, um...
388
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,365
Your friend is...
389
00:13:18,390 --> 00:13:19,938
is too worried about the math.
390
00:13:20,371 --> 00:13:22,374
You see, I'm able to bring holiday cheer
391
00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:23,674
to so many people in one night
392
00:13:23,699 --> 00:13:25,368
because I have a lot of help.
393
00:13:25,433 --> 00:13:26,534
Yeah, yeah.
394
00:13:26,590 --> 00:13:28,587
I-I got parents, and friends,
395
00:13:28,612 --> 00:13:30,001
and mall Santas,
396
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,305
and I inspire every one of them
to do their part.
397
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:35,077
And so, together, we're all Santa.
398
00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:37,712
And having so much help frees me up
399
00:13:37,745 --> 00:13:39,548
to make special one-on-one visits
400
00:13:39,581 --> 00:13:41,417
to good little boys and girls
401
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,552
that might need a little extra
Christmas magic.
402
00:13:46,087 --> 00:13:47,389
Wow.
403
00:13:47,431 --> 00:13:48,766
Damn, dude.
404
00:13:48,791 --> 00:13:50,125
This is Santa!
405
00:13:50,453 --> 00:13:53,101
I never doubted you for a second!
406
00:13:53,117 --> 00:13:54,833
It's been a pleasure, sir.
407
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,888
Yo, Santa. Come on. I'll walk you out.
408
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,456
Oh, Miggy?
409
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:00,664
Don't you think you should be
410
00:14:00,689 --> 00:14:02,447
getting baby Jack back to bed?
411
00:14:02,472 --> 00:14:04,439
Right. Smart.
412
00:14:04,464 --> 00:14:07,434
He won't be coming to the crib
unless we're asleep.
413
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:08,628
Good night.
414
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:14,322
Angie? Will Cooper.
415
00:14:14,347 --> 00:14:17,715
I've been, uh, thinking about
this Magic Box situation,
416
00:14:17,741 --> 00:14:20,644
and, um... you were right.
417
00:14:20,677 --> 00:14:24,253
This year, Sophie is getting
the good presents from Dad.
418
00:14:24,278 --> 00:14:25,346
All right.
419
00:14:25,371 --> 00:14:26,573
Sorry for so many messages.
420
00:14:26,598 --> 00:14:27,753
Your phone kept cutting me off.
421
00:14:27,778 --> 00:14:29,245
Bye.
422
00:14:30,811 --> 00:14:31,963
Dad, can I...
423
00:14:33,088 --> 00:14:34,156
What's that?
424
00:14:34,181 --> 00:14:37,776
A glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
425
00:14:37,808 --> 00:14:39,476
That's so cool!
426
00:14:39,509 --> 00:14:40,711
It must be from Mom!
427
00:14:42,705 --> 00:14:45,038
Yeah.
428
00:14:45,063 --> 00:14:46,991
She nailed it again.
429
00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:49,477
But unfortunately,
430
00:14:49,510 --> 00:14:52,013
because of the 2018
Christmas Code of Conduct,
431
00:14:52,045 --> 00:14:53,180
since you're out of bed,
432
00:14:53,213 --> 00:14:54,616
I have to give this to Toys for Tots...
433
00:14:54,649 --> 00:14:57,117
- I was never here!
- Okay.
434
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,570
I guess we can add "meeting sexy Santa"
435
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:01,547
to the list of things
436
00:15:01,572 --> 00:15:03,060
that he'll eventually
tell his therapist.
437
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,427
Should we open these gifts?
438
00:15:07,363 --> 00:15:09,113
Um...
439
00:15:09,195 --> 00:15:12,132
Wait, I have to tell you something.
440
00:15:12,728 --> 00:15:14,796
I was ready to end this tonight.
441
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:18,830
'Cause I didn't know
if I could see you with my son.
442
00:15:19,276 --> 00:15:21,579
And then I watched you
443
00:15:21,604 --> 00:15:23,673
convince him that Santa really exists,
444
00:15:23,706 --> 00:15:26,527
and... you're wonderful.
445
00:15:27,711 --> 00:15:29,312
I didn't get you a gift.
446
00:15:30,101 --> 00:15:31,414
I wish I had,
447
00:15:31,439 --> 00:15:33,574
because I'm sure whatever this is
448
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,034
is really thoughtful...
449
00:15:35,050 --> 00:15:36,186
I got you a candle.
450
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,388
Vanilla?
451
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:40,957
Is this the same kind
452
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,207
- we have in the bathroom at work?
- Yep.
453
00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:44,675
Realized that after the fact.
454
00:15:44,709 --> 00:15:46,044
Real bummer.
455
00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:48,320
Look, I got all in my head
456
00:15:48,345 --> 00:15:49,462
about where we were as a couple.
457
00:15:49,487 --> 00:15:50,900
- Mm-hmm.
- Are we jewelry?
458
00:15:50,925 --> 00:15:52,439
Are we "Owen Bucks"?
459
00:15:52,464 --> 00:15:54,097
I needed to get something that
showed how much I like you
460
00:15:54,122 --> 00:15:55,345
while also not spooking you.
461
00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:57,240
And that gift does not exist.
462
00:15:57,273 --> 00:15:58,866
So, therefore, candle.
463
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,570
- Candle.
- Yeah.
464
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,437
Owen...
465
00:16:02,611 --> 00:16:04,247
I'm rusty at this.
466
00:16:05,288 --> 00:16:06,823
Will you be my boyfriend?
467
00:16:06,848 --> 00:16:08,184
Yeah.
468
00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:09,878
Okay.
469
00:16:13,441 --> 00:16:15,338
- Can you put the beard back on?
- Oh, definitely.
470
00:16:15,363 --> 00:16:16,385
- Okay.
- Yeah.
471
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:17,574
It's Christmas.
472
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,349
- Hey.
- Hey.
473
00:16:20,382 --> 00:16:22,575
- Merry Christmas.
- We cut this down ourselves.
474
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,144
Yeah, your neighbor can send me a bill.
475
00:16:24,169 --> 00:16:26,055
- Keys.
- Yep.
476
00:16:26,087 --> 00:16:27,989
- Where are they going?
- To get the stand.
477
00:16:28,014 --> 00:16:29,847
They've done this before.
478
00:16:29,870 --> 00:16:32,139
Look, Douglas, I appreciate the gesture,
479
00:16:32,171 --> 00:16:34,708
but you guys don't want to be here.
480
00:16:34,741 --> 00:16:38,212
I put a pair of Rory's PJs
on the couch cushion...
481
00:16:38,245 --> 00:16:41,129
and, well, we've been spooning.
482
00:16:41,154 --> 00:16:43,117
Okay, well, I do want to be here.
483
00:16:43,142 --> 00:16:45,603
I'm not gonna try to talk you
out of being sad.
484
00:16:45,643 --> 00:16:47,545
I just wanted to, uh, sit with you.
485
00:16:47,570 --> 00:16:50,116
All right. Well, sit wherever you want.
486
00:16:50,141 --> 00:16:52,159
Just not on my son, the couch cushion.
487
00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:55,821
Sorry I cost you guys the 19th hole.
488
00:16:55,853 --> 00:16:57,523
What, are you kidding? We still won.
489
00:16:57,555 --> 00:16:58,823
- By a lot.
- Oh.
490
00:16:58,857 --> 00:17:01,493
You know, Christmas wasn't
always such a marathon
491
00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:03,195
like it is today.
492
00:17:03,234 --> 00:17:04,521
It's exhausting.
493
00:17:04,561 --> 00:17:06,611
I'm mad at every single one
of those damn songs.
494
00:17:06,636 --> 00:17:08,366
Except Mariah. I love her.
495
00:17:08,398 --> 00:17:11,069
- For Rose and I, it was Perry Como.
- Mm.
496
00:17:11,101 --> 00:17:12,936
Can you believe I met a 27-year-old
497
00:17:12,970 --> 00:17:15,500
who loved Perry Como?
498
00:17:15,525 --> 00:17:17,273
And after she died,
499
00:17:17,298 --> 00:17:19,495
I just could never listen to him again.
500
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:23,365
Luckily, avoiding Perry Como
is extremely easy
501
00:17:23,399 --> 00:17:25,568
- most of the year, so...
- Hmm.
502
00:17:26,702 --> 00:17:30,440
- Holidays are hard.
- Ugh. I know.
503
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,589
So, this is what it's like
when you're...
504
00:17:36,628 --> 00:17:38,932
not distracting yourself
from your feelings.
505
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:40,281
Mm-hmm.
506
00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:42,461
Welcome to the dark side.
507
00:17:42,891 --> 00:17:45,164
Thanks for being here with me.
508
00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:47,666
It's kind of nice.
509
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:48,873
Yeah.
510
00:17:49,643 --> 00:17:51,211
What are you guys doing?
511
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:53,102
Oh, no. I was just, uh...
512
00:17:53,136 --> 00:17:54,838
- Hmm...
- Already bored.
513
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,361
He lifts, bro.
514
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,461
Angie, Graham,
Emma and Amy don't believe me.
515
00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:06,749
Can you please tell them
that Santa is toned as hell?
516
00:18:06,790 --> 00:18:08,859
He's in excellent shape for his age,
517
00:18:08,891 --> 00:18:10,626
and he's a great listener.
518
00:18:10,667 --> 00:18:12,536
He was just there with us.
519
00:18:12,561 --> 00:18:13,863
So present.
520
00:18:13,897 --> 00:18:15,566
My only complaint was that
he didn't hit us
521
00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:18,101
with a classic "Ho, ho, ho."
522
00:18:18,135 --> 00:18:20,369
But meeting him was
what I wanted this year.
523
00:18:20,402 --> 00:18:21,471
And he knew that.
524
00:18:21,504 --> 00:18:22,572
Okay, at what point should we be worried
525
00:18:22,597 --> 00:18:23,605
- that he's...
- Never.
526
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:26,019
- We must never ask this question.
- Okay.
527
00:18:26,075 --> 00:18:27,505
Hey, I just wanted to say
528
00:18:27,537 --> 00:18:30,173
I'm sorry if I got in your head
about Owen last night.
529
00:18:30,205 --> 00:18:33,609
- How'd he take it?
- Things are pretty good.
530
00:18:33,643 --> 00:18:35,512
He's my boyfriend now.
531
00:18:35,544 --> 00:18:37,446
- Wow!
- Yeah.
532
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,666
Oh!
533
00:18:38,691 --> 00:18:40,115
That's... That's great.
534
00:18:40,148 --> 00:18:41,354
Good for you.
535
00:18:41,379 --> 00:18:42,643
But, you know, you should apologize
536
00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:44,420
about the five voicemails you left me.
537
00:18:44,454 --> 00:18:46,505
And you kept on introducing yourself.
538
00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:48,056
- I know it's you.
- You might know other Wills.
539
00:18:48,081 --> 00:18:49,629
- I don't.
- Angie, look.
540
00:18:49,654 --> 00:18:50,792
It's from my mom.
541
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,193
And it glows in the dark!
542
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:56,225
Oh, wow! That's really cool, Soph.
543
00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:00,310
I knew you weren't gonna take credit
544
00:19:00,335 --> 00:19:01,951
for any of that good stuff.
545
00:19:01,993 --> 00:19:04,129
Yeah, but look how happy she is.
546
00:19:05,922 --> 00:19:07,622
That's my perfect Christmas.
547
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,882
Mm. I get it.
548
00:19:10,303 --> 00:19:12,897
There is one gift
I will take credit for.
549
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:16,445
Angie, Merry Christmas from me.
550
00:19:16,470 --> 00:19:17,601
Oh!
551
00:19:29,219 --> 00:19:34,062
This is, like, every story
Graham's ever written me.
552
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,830
"'The Complete Short Stories'
by Graham D'Amato,
553
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,923
edited by William Cooper."
554
00:19:42,325 --> 00:19:44,460
You weren't shy about
taking credit on this one.
555
00:19:44,493 --> 00:19:45,961
Yeah, I had to get in there.
556
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:47,331
Your kid loves a tangent.
557
00:19:48,864 --> 00:19:51,468
You get me, man.
558
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:52,961
I feel cherished.
559
00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:54,804
That was the goal.
560
00:19:54,836 --> 00:19:56,205
Hello?
561
00:19:56,239 --> 00:19:58,783
Everyone shut up.
It's Dan Marino's assistant!
562
00:19:58,808 --> 00:20:01,145
Yes, Megan, and to you.
563
00:20:02,317 --> 00:20:03,355
I see.
564
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:04,681
No problem.
565
00:20:05,502 --> 00:20:08,094
Marino's blowing me off!
566
00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:13,663
What are we looking at here?
567
00:20:13,695 --> 00:20:15,397
I drew a picture of you guys!
568
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,900
- Uh-huh.
- So, where's our present?
569
00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:19,530
You guys, it's Rory!
570
00:20:19,555 --> 00:20:20,624
It's Rory! Get together!
571
00:20:20,649 --> 00:20:21,554
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
572
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,286
- Mele Kalikimaka, Rory!
- Hey, Rory!
573
00:20:23,310 --> 00:20:24,501
I miss you guys,
574
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:26,536
and I really, really miss you, Mom.
575
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:28,069
Oh, baby. I love you.
576
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,572
I didn't know I could miss you so much.
577
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:33,541
Mom, I know we're having a moment,
578
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,618
but could you please hand
the phone over to Miggy?
579
00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:37,001
- Your framing is trash.
- You know what?
580
00:20:37,026 --> 00:20:38,212
- Yeah, it's pretty trash. It's okay.
- I have to...
581
00:20:38,246 --> 00:20:39,348
- I got you.
- Oh.
582
00:20:40,794 --> 00:20:42,136
- Do you want me to skip ahead?
- Oh, no, no.
583
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,673
- It's on shuffle.
- That's okay. I... I love this song.
584
00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:48,798
Hadn't heard it in a while.
585
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:02,080
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com