1
00:00:02,109 --> 00:00:04,109
Okay, Jan. Wow.
2
00:00:04,187 --> 00:00:05,277
What am I looking at?
3
00:00:05,379 --> 00:00:07,579
I call it "Jan vs. Predator."
4
00:00:07,689 --> 00:00:10,349
- Hm. And who comes out on top?
- Predator.
5
00:00:10,417 --> 00:00:11,783
Thanks so much, Jan.
6
00:00:12,753 --> 00:00:14,019
Blech!
7
00:00:14,111 --> 00:00:16,685
Feels like I'm trapped in
"Antiques Roadshow: Harrisburg."
8
00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:19,048
Oh, thank God! A friend!
9
00:00:19,150 --> 00:00:21,117
Here to bail me out
with the perfect, unique,
10
00:00:21,219 --> 00:00:22,952
well-thought-out donation.
11
00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:24,520
- Steak knives? Wow.
- I'm sorry.
12
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,123
Work has just gotten so crazy,
I didn't have time to curate
13
00:00:27,191 --> 00:00:29,058
one of my signature
silent auction baskets.
14
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,261
And I'm not going to donate
a non-curated basket.
15
00:00:32,363 --> 00:00:33,415
Give the man a break.
16
00:00:33,493 --> 00:00:34,962
He does the weather every time
Guy McCormick is sick.
17
00:00:35,032 --> 00:00:37,466
And, let's face it, he's sick,
like, three times a week.
18
00:00:37,568 --> 00:00:39,034
"Sick"? Please. The man drinks.
19
00:00:39,129 --> 00:00:40,780
Mr. McCormick
has checked into a facility.
20
00:00:40,805 --> 00:00:42,037
That's all I'm allowed to say.
21
00:00:42,106 --> 00:00:44,340
But it does mean that I'm
going to be doing the weather
22
00:00:44,409 --> 00:00:46,609
for the next 28 nights.
23
00:00:46,711 --> 00:00:48,626
Will, I'm very happy that
you've become a local celebrity.
24
00:00:48,704 --> 00:00:50,969
- No!
- But that doesn't help me right now.
25
00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:52,797
Right now, what I need from you
is an auction item.
26
00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:55,785
Are you blind? Will is the item!
27
00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:58,154
Celebrity is the most precious
metal we have.
28
00:00:58,222 --> 00:00:59,522
It's our Vibranium!
29
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,823
You mean I'm like Black Panther?
30
00:01:00,925 --> 00:01:02,324
- No.
- Sorry.
31
00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,692
It was in front of my face
the whole time.
32
00:01:03,795 --> 00:01:06,031
Will, you are the item!
33
00:01:06,056 --> 00:01:07,155
Can I put you in the auction?
34
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,490
You mean like be someone's
butler for a month? Sure.
35
00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:11,066
No, but it's weird
that you'd be okay with that.
36
00:01:11,169 --> 00:01:12,368
I mean a lunch.
37
00:01:12,437 --> 00:01:14,470
A meal with a local
10:00 P.M. fill-in weatherman
38
00:01:14,539 --> 00:01:16,038
could be just the pop
this auction needs.
39
00:01:16,107 --> 00:01:17,740
Maybe.
40
00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:19,975
I mean, my star is on the rise.
41
00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:22,077
Finally got my own lapel mic,
42
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,846
unlimited access to the green screen,
43
00:01:23,948 --> 00:01:26,549
and I'm really honing in
on my on-air laugh.
44
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:28,050
Ah ha ha ha ha!
45
00:01:28,119 --> 00:01:29,351
Back to you, Julie.
46
00:01:30,755 --> 00:01:32,521
- I'm in!
- Yes!
47
00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,056
Blank CDs? Unh-unh.
48
00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:35,825
Keep walking. Don't even set those down.
49
00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:37,226
Do better, Celeste!
50
00:01:37,328 --> 00:01:40,529
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:45,069 --> 00:01:47,236
"Gift card... balance unknown."
52
00:01:47,338 --> 00:01:49,305
- D'Amato, you donated this?
- Yeah.
53
00:01:49,407 --> 00:01:51,261
I have no idea how much is on there.
54
00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:53,152
Could be $250, could be $12.
55
00:01:53,236 --> 00:01:54,425
That's what makes it so exciting
56
00:01:54,449 --> 00:01:55,545
- to bid on!
- Yeah.
57
00:01:55,546 --> 00:01:57,079
I'm jealous of everyone here.
58
00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:58,981
- What'd you donate?
- This.
59
00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,150
I can't wait to see
what someone's willing to pay
60
00:02:01,252 --> 00:02:02,585
for $100.
61
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,187
Oh, well, if the bidding's low,
I'm gonna jump in.
62
00:02:05,256 --> 00:02:07,790
Today I got the news
that every parent dreads most.
63
00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:10,159
I have signed up to participate
64
00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:12,428
in the sport of ice hockey.
65
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,567
It's the most expensive sport
on the plant,
66
00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:20,536
unless you count fencing, which I don't.
67
00:02:20,605 --> 00:02:23,038
Yeah, diving's the dream.
No gear of any kind.
68
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,875
It's 1/5 of a normal sports uniform.
69
00:02:25,977 --> 00:02:28,143
Just a Speedo and a towel.
70
00:02:28,246 --> 00:02:29,845
And I already have towels.
71
00:02:29,947 --> 00:02:32,694
Listen, if Pee-Wee Sports is
driving you to financial ruin,
72
00:02:32,780 --> 00:02:34,483
then you're doing something wrong.
73
00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:35,784
Let's take a look at your budget.
74
00:02:35,887 --> 00:02:37,786
If you even have one.
75
00:02:37,889 --> 00:02:38,954
I'm a single mother living in
76
00:02:39,056 --> 00:02:41,290
the second most expensive city
in the country.
77
00:02:41,392 --> 00:02:42,458
I budget.
78
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,026
I budget hard.
79
00:02:45,997 --> 00:02:47,162
Hey.
80
00:02:47,265 --> 00:02:49,169
Am I allowed to be here?
I mean, what are the rules?
81
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,833
Is it like a candidate not being allowed
82
00:02:50,935 --> 00:02:52,968
within 100 feet of a polling place or...
83
00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:54,737
Wait, nobody's bid on me yet?
84
00:02:54,839 --> 00:02:56,438
The auction just started,
85
00:02:56,507 --> 00:02:58,173
and no one goes near
the big-ticket items
86
00:02:58,276 --> 00:02:59,708
until they're at least two Cabs deep.
87
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:00,976
And you're a big-ticket item.
88
00:03:01,078 --> 00:03:02,478
- Cool.
- Yeah.
89
00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:04,413
You hear that?
We're the big-ticket item.
90
00:03:04,482 --> 00:03:05,447
All right, Dad.
91
00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:07,816
Self-directed pep talk over. Take a lap.
92
00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,919
Yeah, yeah, a lap. That's a good idea.
93
00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:17,059
Okay.
94
00:03:17,128 --> 00:03:19,762
My dad's self-esteem pendulum
is very lubricated.
95
00:03:19,797 --> 00:03:22,064
It swings far and fast
in both directions.
96
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:25,067
And now that he's on TV,
it's even worse.
97
00:03:25,169 --> 00:03:26,535
Sophie, the promo's starting!
98
00:03:26,637 --> 00:03:28,404
It's starting!
99
00:03:28,472 --> 00:03:29,977
Who is KZOP at 10:00?
100
00:03:30,047 --> 00:03:32,649
It's news with anchor Julie Fong-Nunez!
101
00:03:32,735 --> 00:03:35,303
Investigative journalism
with Loni McGraw!
102
00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:38,530
"What's Yummy Now?"
with Chef Martin Bullrock@
103
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,655
Sports with Chet Corners!
104
00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,017
And weather!
105
00:03:42,086 --> 00:03:44,820
KZOP at 10:00. We got you.
106
00:03:44,922 --> 00:03:46,422
Leave me.
107
00:03:46,490 --> 00:03:48,171
Ooh, I love that sun.
108
00:03:48,264 --> 00:03:50,359
You can tell by his sunglasses
that he's nasty.
109
00:03:50,421 --> 00:03:52,094
That sun made my dad cry.
110
00:03:52,163 --> 00:03:54,096
Poppy, someone has to bid on him.
111
00:03:54,198 --> 00:03:55,965
This isn't just a silent auction.
112
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:57,132
This is a man's life.
113
00:03:57,234 --> 00:03:58,534
You're right.
114
00:03:58,636 --> 00:04:01,167
Crap. Garbage. Trash.
115
00:04:01,230 --> 00:04:02,763
Garbage.
116
00:04:02,873 --> 00:04:04,273
Yoga pants for a dog?!
117
00:04:04,342 --> 00:04:06,260
Stop dressing your dogs, America.
118
00:04:06,326 --> 00:04:07,542
Dogs should be naked.
119
00:04:10,848 --> 00:04:12,581
What do we have here?
120
00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,717
Oh, my gosh, you poor thing.
121
00:04:14,795 --> 00:04:16,097
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
122
00:04:16,145 --> 00:04:18,619
It's okay. It's okay.
You don't have to be scared anymore.
123
00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:20,623
I will make you fly again.
124
00:04:20,691 --> 00:04:22,191
Do you girls have any idea what this is?
125
00:04:22,293 --> 00:04:23,492
A hat.
126
00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:25,636
A hat? A hat?!
127
00:04:25,663 --> 00:04:27,043
This is a beret.
128
00:04:27,113 --> 00:04:28,530
French sophistication distilled
129
00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:31,634
into one timeless piece of headwear.
130
00:04:31,736 --> 00:04:33,402
And it will be mine.
131
00:04:33,504 --> 00:04:35,537
Miggy, shut up. This is important.
132
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,339
I need an adult
to bid on this beret for me.
133
00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:39,508
That thing? Why?
134
00:04:39,543 --> 00:04:40,643
Geez, Grandpa.
135
00:04:40,745 --> 00:04:42,778
Because, like Monica Lewinsky,
136
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,381
K-pop singer Min-ho,
and Jack Nicholson as the Joker,
137
00:04:45,483 --> 00:04:46,949
I have style. You don't.
138
00:04:47,018 --> 00:04:48,350
I adopt early. You don't.
139
00:04:48,452 --> 00:04:49,785
I lead, and you...
140
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:50,886
have no taste.
141
00:04:50,988 --> 00:04:52,354
If you're gonna be mean
about it, forget it.
142
00:04:52,423 --> 00:04:54,456
- Your mom can bid on it.
- Please?
143
00:04:54,558 --> 00:04:56,825
- Fine.
- Follow me, girls.
144
00:04:56,927 --> 00:04:59,261
Jocelyn's dad is auctioning
one of his "ceramics,"
145
00:04:59,363 --> 00:05:00,796
and I have thoughts.
146
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,799
Okay, rent looks good.
147
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,200
What is this tab labeled?
148
00:05:05,302 --> 00:05:07,102
That's my convenience tax.
I can't touch that.
149
00:05:07,138 --> 00:05:08,470
What's a convenience tax?
150
00:05:08,572 --> 00:05:10,539
It's money I spend
to make my life a little easier.
151
00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:13,342
I... I'm too busy juggling Graham
152
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:15,044
and my full-time job and all my hobbies,
153
00:05:15,112 --> 00:05:16,945
like breathing and sleeping
and drinking water,
154
00:05:17,048 --> 00:05:19,248
so sometimes I pay a little more
for certain necessities.
155
00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:21,216
What kind of necessity? Like food?
156
00:05:21,318 --> 00:05:22,518
Delivery, yep.
157
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:25,254
Lots of food delivery,
some expedited shipping.
158
00:05:25,322 --> 00:05:27,956
Maybe I'll park in a red zone
here or there or here again.
159
00:05:28,059 --> 00:05:30,572
But trust me, it's all
very, very necessary.
160
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,561
Uh-huh. Is it necessary to pay $8
161
00:05:32,663 --> 00:05:34,496
for a quart of gas station milk?
162
00:05:34,565 --> 00:05:37,099
If all I need is gas and milk,
I'm not making two stops.
163
00:05:37,201 --> 00:05:38,267
Yeah, but it's just not milk.
164
00:05:38,369 --> 00:05:39,601
You're paying gas station prices
165
00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,970
for toilet paper, batteries...
166
00:05:42,073 --> 00:05:43,138
salsa?
167
00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,573
Hey, when the grocery store
starts selling gas,
168
00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,642
they'll start seeing
my salsa dollars again.
169
00:05:46,744 --> 00:05:47,976
O-Okay, I can't take this anymore.
170
00:05:48,045 --> 00:05:51,380
I'm gonna show you how to turn
your "convenience tax"
171
00:05:51,482 --> 00:05:52,648
into hockey pads.
172
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,383
But I'm gonna have to
take over your life.
173
00:05:54,485 --> 00:05:55,951
Fine. My life is all yours.
174
00:05:56,053 --> 00:05:57,720
But I must warn you...
175
00:05:57,788 --> 00:05:58,954
there's this guy in my life
176
00:05:59,056 --> 00:06:01,223
that's gonna be a real pain in your ass.
177
00:06:01,325 --> 00:06:03,459
His name is Douglas.
178
00:06:03,561 --> 00:06:05,527
You worked hard for that one.
179
00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:07,529
I'm gonna let you enjoy it.
180
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,166
All right, did two laps...
181
00:06:11,268 --> 00:06:12,901
a counterclockwise and a clockwise.
182
00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,578
I just don't want
to overdevelop one thigh.
183
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:16,430
Well, I hope those
symmetrical thighs are ready
184
00:06:16,474 --> 00:06:18,474
to sit down and have lunch
with an adoring fan,
185
00:06:18,509 --> 00:06:20,375
because you are getting a lot of bids.
186
00:06:20,478 --> 00:06:22,111
Really? I am?
187
00:06:22,213 --> 00:06:23,245
Oh, that's such a relief.
188
00:06:23,314 --> 00:06:25,331
Okay, so, how much am I going for?
189
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,549
Three figures? Four?
What's the gender breakdown?
190
00:06:27,618 --> 00:06:29,017
You know what? La, la, la, la, la, la!
191
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,853
I don't want to know.
192
00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,454
- Lap.
- That's a good idea.
193
00:06:34,191 --> 00:06:36,825
He hasn't gotten a single bid.
What if we change it to
194
00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:38,660
"Lunch and Hike with KZOP's Will Cooper,
195
00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:40,262
Who Will Also Hand Detail Your Car"?
196
00:06:40,364 --> 00:06:42,100
Or "Lunch and a dot, dot, dot,
question mark"?
197
00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:43,472
Kind of implying
that it starts with lunch,
198
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:45,000
but where it goes from there
is unwritten.
199
00:06:45,102 --> 00:06:46,902
Ew! You're talking about my father.
200
00:06:47,004 --> 00:06:48,070
Sorry. It's just really easy
201
00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:49,605
to forget that you're a child sometimes.
202
00:06:49,707 --> 00:06:51,206
I know.
203
00:06:51,308 --> 00:06:52,930
I'll just bid on him. Hm?
204
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:54,782
No! That's a pity bid!
205
00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:56,376
We need a real person to win this thing.
206
00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:57,944
Final bids, please.
207
00:06:57,968 --> 00:06:58,982
- Final bids.
- Oh, God, I'm blanking!
208
00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:00,937
I can't think of a single
real person who isn't me.
209
00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:02,718
- Who should I put down?
- Someone who eats lunch
210
00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:04,987
and can act like a fan
of KZOP's Will Cooper.
211
00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:06,622
I don't know any actors!
212
00:07:06,724 --> 00:07:08,957
Actually...
213
00:07:09,059 --> 00:07:11,193
wait a minute.
214
00:07:12,263 --> 00:07:14,984
Dr. Biscuits, have I got a role for you.
215
00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:16,897
I'm listening.
216
00:07:20,922 --> 00:07:24,364
I'm sorry, Ms. Banks.
I won't play a fan.
217
00:07:24,435 --> 00:07:26,201
Oh, please, Dr. Biscuits. I...
218
00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:28,337
I will play a superfan!
219
00:07:28,372 --> 00:07:30,963
Thank you. Thank you so much.
220
00:07:31,057 --> 00:07:32,474
Now, his daughter goes to school here,
221
00:07:32,576 --> 00:07:33,742
so you've probably already met.
222
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,344
But I was thinking that you could say...
223
00:07:35,412 --> 00:07:36,445
Ah, ah!
224
00:07:36,547 --> 00:07:38,747
I will work out
my own backstory, thank you.
225
00:07:38,816 --> 00:07:40,115
Okay. Sorry.
226
00:07:40,184 --> 00:07:42,284
Well, I guess all you need
to know is that his name is...
227
00:07:42,386 --> 00:07:43,452
Ah, ah!
228
00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:45,654
I will do my own research, thank you.
229
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,489
Okay.
230
00:07:47,558 --> 00:07:49,458
Well, is there anything
you need from me at all or...
231
00:07:49,526 --> 00:07:52,261
I need an item of his clothing,
recently worn.
232
00:07:52,363 --> 00:07:53,428
Or a photograph.
233
00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,264
I got a photo of him on my phone.
234
00:07:55,366 --> 00:07:56,431
Please, print it out.
235
00:07:56,533 --> 00:07:58,867
Place it in an unmarked manilla envelope
236
00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,669
on the windscreen of the car
237
00:08:00,738 --> 00:08:01,937
bearing this bumper-plate number
238
00:08:02,006 --> 00:08:03,438
in precisely one week from today.
239
00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:04,506
There's a printer outside,
240
00:08:04,608 --> 00:08:05,607
so I'll just slide it under your door.
241
00:08:05,676 --> 00:08:07,042
Thank you so much.
242
00:08:09,213 --> 00:08:10,779
Very well!
243
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,614
You know, when I was in med school,
244
00:08:12,683 --> 00:08:13,815
I always prided myself
245
00:08:13,918 --> 00:08:17,519
on being as fiscally anal as I was poor.
246
00:08:17,621 --> 00:08:20,322
They used to call me
"Nurse Spreadsheets."
247
00:08:20,391 --> 00:08:21,857
Ohhhhh!
248
00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:23,625
Right, my budget thing.
249
00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,862
For a second there, I totally
forgot why you were here.
250
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:27,930
You want some coffee?
251
00:08:27,998 --> 00:08:28,997
I'd love coffee.
252
00:08:29,099 --> 00:08:30,632
Great.
253
00:08:34,571 --> 00:08:35,804
Thought we wanted coffee.
254
00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:37,172
We do.
255
00:08:37,274 --> 00:08:38,473
Yeah, coffee comes
from the coffee place.
256
00:08:38,575 --> 00:08:39,875
Yes, it does.
257
00:08:39,944 --> 00:08:43,078
Three times a day, at $6 a pop.
258
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:45,681
Oh, hello, teachable moment.
259
00:08:47,451 --> 00:08:48,684
No. No!
260
00:08:48,786 --> 00:08:50,852
I-I-I... I need my coffee place.
261
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:52,521
It's on the way from here to school
262
00:08:52,623 --> 00:08:54,022
and on the way from school to work
263
00:08:54,124 --> 00:08:55,557
and on the way from work to here.
264
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:56,825
It's a miracle of geography,
265
00:08:56,894 --> 00:08:58,427
and it's what makes my life possible.
266
00:08:58,529 --> 00:09:00,929
Okay, well, look at this, huh?
267
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:04,132
No, but this takes so long!
268
00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:07,347
And at my coffee place,
I have a barista, Trish,
269
00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:09,338
and she always has my latte
waiting for me.
270
00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:11,039
I'm your Trish now.
271
00:09:13,110 --> 00:09:16,111
You guys should be free to roll
around on the floor of my car.
272
00:09:16,213 --> 00:09:17,546
We're breaking their spirit!
273
00:09:17,614 --> 00:09:19,314
Pennies belong in a bank...
274
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,184
or dumped in a tube sock
and used for self-defense.
275
00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:24,853
Hockey pads, hockey pads,
276
00:09:24,922 --> 00:09:26,455
h-h-hockey pads.
277
00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:28,423
Six pairs of the same sunglasses?
278
00:09:28,525 --> 00:09:29,691
I'm gonna lose half of them.
279
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,526
You always have
more sunglasses than you need
280
00:09:31,595 --> 00:09:33,128
because some of them
aren't gonna make it.
281
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,796
Like with babies
at the turn of the century.
282
00:09:40,904 --> 00:09:42,571
You did a great job.
283
00:09:43,741 --> 00:09:45,707
Okay.
284
00:09:45,776 --> 00:09:47,376
Thank you.
285
00:09:49,113 --> 00:09:51,013
Just gonna be you today, champ?
286
00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:51,991
Champ?!
287
00:09:52,016 --> 00:09:53,048
Don't you know who this is?
288
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:54,983
This is KZOP's Will Cooper!
289
00:09:55,019 --> 00:09:57,152
Now, how about you get us
the two most expensive things
290
00:09:57,254 --> 00:09:58,353
on the menu?
291
00:09:58,422 --> 00:09:59,888
Both for him. I'm too nervous to eat.
292
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:01,790
- Dr. Biscuits?
- Yes.
293
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,058
I didn't know you were a fan.
294
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,526
- I'm not.
- Oh.
295
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,028
I'm a superfan.
296
00:10:07,331 --> 00:10:09,064
But at school, you've never mentioned...
297
00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:10,198
Oh! I don't care about me.
298
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,500
I care about three things...
299
00:10:11,602 --> 00:10:14,179
you, the weather, and
where they overlap. Go.
300
00:10:14,204 --> 00:10:15,537
All right.
301
00:10:15,639 --> 00:10:17,406
Where would you like to start?
302
00:10:17,474 --> 00:10:19,374
Denver Presbyterian Hospital,
303
00:10:19,443 --> 00:10:22,711
May 6, 1983, 8:45 A.M.
304
00:10:22,813 --> 00:10:25,614
Bud and Lucile Cooper
welcome into the world
305
00:10:25,682 --> 00:10:28,750
a beautiful 7-pound, 5-ounce baby boy.
306
00:10:28,819 --> 00:10:32,020
The high was 68, the low, 40.
307
00:10:32,122 --> 00:10:35,624
- With a mild chance of hail.
- Mild chance of hail.
308
00:10:35,726 --> 00:10:36,825
Wow.
309
00:10:36,894 --> 00:10:38,894
Never stop talking to me.
310
00:10:40,364 --> 00:10:42,297
Oh. Come on in.
311
00:10:42,383 --> 00:10:43,932
But please, keep your shoes on.
312
00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:46,001
I've just always wanted to say that.
313
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:47,069
Refresh my memory.
314
00:10:47,171 --> 00:10:48,570
Who did you say outbid me for the beret?
315
00:10:48,672 --> 00:10:51,440
Anonymous. They're... anonymous.
316
00:10:51,542 --> 00:10:53,708
Why would someone
who wanted to remain anonymous
317
00:10:53,811 --> 00:10:56,478
buy the most eye-catching hat
civilization has ever produced?
318
00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,213
- They wouldn't.
- Doesn't add up.
319
00:10:58,315 --> 00:10:59,448
Easy.
320
00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:02,098
See, they're shy with names
but not with hats.
321
00:11:02,168 --> 00:11:05,520
- You feel me?
- Or they want to get caught.
322
00:11:05,622 --> 00:11:06,888
Care to explain what you're doing here,
323
00:11:06,990 --> 00:11:08,790
other than dying of thirst?
324
00:11:09,493 --> 00:11:10,992
Miggy, why would you do this?
325
00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,599
'Cause you said I have no taste.
326
00:11:12,709 --> 00:11:14,429
I should've known.
Curse of the trendsetter...
327
00:11:14,531 --> 00:11:16,990
everything you love
will be ruined by normos.
328
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,066
Find her!
329
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:19,232
Remember our orders!
330
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,269
The beret must not be harmed!
331
00:11:24,541 --> 00:11:25,640
Daah!
332
00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:26,942
Oh! Oh, God!
333
00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:28,777
Oh! No, please!
334
00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:29,845
Ah!
335
00:11:29,913 --> 00:11:31,079
Ah! I tap.
336
00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:32,647
I tap!
337
00:11:37,354 --> 00:11:38,620
Next time, I won't be so kind.
338
00:11:38,689 --> 00:11:39,888
Thank you?
339
00:11:44,361 --> 00:11:47,896
Thief! You suck! That beret needs me!
340
00:11:47,965 --> 00:11:49,064
Let's get to work.
341
00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:52,033
I'll get it back!
You don't deserve that beret!
342
00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:53,702
Sleep with your eyes open!
343
00:11:53,737 --> 00:11:56,905
I still don't understand.
Dad knows Dr. Biscuits.
344
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,974
- Is he in a disguise?
- Nope.
345
00:11:59,076 --> 00:12:00,775
Costume, maybe. Could be some props.
346
00:12:00,844 --> 00:12:02,477
But Biscuits is playing himself...
347
00:12:02,579 --> 00:12:04,779
just himself as a Will Cooper superfan.
348
00:12:04,848 --> 00:12:06,748
Biscuits is an amazing actor.
349
00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:08,483
- What's he been in?
- I don't know.
350
00:12:08,585 --> 00:12:09,818
Good evening.
351
00:12:09,887 --> 00:12:11,686
Yes... Will Cooper.
352
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,687
I know.
353
00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:13,632
Hey, Poppy.
354
00:12:13,657 --> 00:12:14,856
Bloody Mary with bacon
355
00:12:14,958 --> 00:12:17,359
and a tiny burger on the straw.
356
00:12:17,461 --> 00:12:18,560
We don't have those.
357
00:12:18,629 --> 00:12:20,428
Can't believe I used to come here.
358
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,899
- So... fun lunch?
- Fun?
359
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:25,834
Um, it was revelatory.
360
00:12:27,004 --> 00:12:28,470
Oh, no.
361
00:12:28,572 --> 00:12:30,205
I've been spotted.
362
00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:32,494
Hey.
363
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,142
You're why I do it.
364
00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:38,090
Okay, you weren't kidding about
your dad's self-esteem pendulum.
365
00:12:38,184 --> 00:12:40,182
One lunch, and now
he's ordering straw burgers?
366
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:42,350
I'm starting to think this
Biscuits thing was a mistake.
367
00:12:42,452 --> 00:12:44,519
- Well, there's no going back now.
- Why not?
368
00:12:44,588 --> 00:12:46,087
Do you not understand pendulums?
369
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:47,656
If my dad finds out the truth,
370
00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:50,292
he'll swing back even harder
in the other direction.
371
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,127
He could turn in his trench coat
372
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,628
and leave the weather biz forever.
373
00:12:53,697 --> 00:12:55,697
Trench coat? Who's still
wearing trench coats?
374
00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:57,165
He needs to get rid of that anyway.
375
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,367
- You guys whispering about me?
- Yes, yes.
376
00:12:59,436 --> 00:13:01,069
Great. Let's keep the convo
there and drill down.
377
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:04,184
See, the thing about me is,
I don't have a fan.
378
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,200
I have a superfan!
379
00:13:06,343 --> 00:13:08,276
In fact, I have a lot of them.
380
00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:10,551
They have a group text.
Guess what they text about.
381
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,215
Me! People love me!
382
00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:15,917
But for some reason,
I still don't have my own office
383
00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:17,552
and I have to park in the overflow lot
384
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,622
and I was bumped from the promo
for a cartoon sun.
385
00:13:20,691 --> 00:13:21,823
You know what?
386
00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:25,393
I'm gonna call KZOP right now,
and I am going to demand
387
00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:26,795
that they re-shoot the promo
388
00:13:26,863 --> 00:13:29,264
and give my superfans what they want...
389
00:13:29,289 --> 00:13:30,265
me!
390
00:13:30,290 --> 00:13:32,067
And if they say no, I'll quit.
391
00:13:32,169 --> 00:13:33,835
Sophie!
392
00:13:33,937 --> 00:13:36,605
Great. Now Tracy Fries is gonna
have a missed call from me.
393
00:13:36,707 --> 00:13:38,240
How am I gonna explain that?
394
00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:41,343
I'm sorry, Dad.
395
00:13:41,411 --> 00:13:43,979
But your superfan, he's...
396
00:13:44,881 --> 00:13:46,047
...not real.
397
00:13:48,151 --> 00:13:51,253
Will, I wrote Biscuits' name
down in a panic,
398
00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:53,588
and I asked him to play
the role of your superfan.
399
00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:55,423
I am so sorry.
400
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,060
Oh. I see.
401
00:13:59,162 --> 00:14:01,296
Well, I have just gone
402
00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:06,601
from experiencing a high of euphoria
403
00:14:06,703 --> 00:14:08,003
to a low...
404
00:14:08,105 --> 00:14:09,237
of now.
405
00:14:10,707 --> 00:14:12,274
Back to you, Julie.
406
00:14:16,813 --> 00:14:18,013
Tracy Fries?
407
00:14:18,115 --> 00:14:19,914
Yeah, yeah, no, I called.
408
00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:23,585
Just to say how much I've been
enjoying the overflow lot.
409
00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:25,587
Nah, it couldn't wait.
410
00:14:25,689 --> 00:14:27,389
Ugh. What a day!
411
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:28,823
I can't believe how much money
412
00:14:28,892 --> 00:14:30,625
I was giving that kid next door
to take my trash cans in.
413
00:14:30,727 --> 00:14:32,495
Yeah, it felt good to make him cry.
414
00:14:32,542 --> 00:14:35,130
Now that he's off the books,
Graham can play hockey...
415
00:14:35,232 --> 00:14:37,532
in pads that he'll outgrow in a month.
416
00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:40,869
Douglas, I could never have
done this without you...
417
00:14:40,971 --> 00:14:42,370
forcing me to do this.
418
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:43,422
Thank you.
419
00:14:47,978 --> 00:14:49,778
Welcome to my home. How may I help you?
420
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,346
Angie.
421
00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,048
W-What's happening?
422
00:14:53,116 --> 00:14:54,783
I ordered you a treat to say thank you
423
00:14:54,885 --> 00:14:57,118
for teaching me how to be
financially responsible.
424
00:14:58,722 --> 00:15:00,962
- How much were these?
- It's not important.
425
00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:02,324
- $28.
- Wh... ah...
426
00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:05,193
I-I'm not eating a $14 cupcake!
427
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:06,328
We want to return those.
428
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:07,662
Have you learned nothing?!
429
00:15:07,764 --> 00:15:09,064
Relax, Douglas.
430
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,232
We made so much money today!
431
00:15:11,335 --> 00:15:13,868
I-I slashed my convenience tax
burden in half.
432
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,237
There should be
no convenience tax burden.
433
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,340
The convenience tax is you being lazy.
434
00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:22,143
Okay, rich white man
435
00:15:22,245 --> 00:15:24,179
with an in-home sauna
who works three days a week.
436
00:15:24,281 --> 00:15:25,560
I'm lazy?
437
00:15:25,646 --> 00:15:28,183
Okay, you're on your own.
Go back to farting away your money.
438
00:15:28,251 --> 00:15:29,517
Fine! I will, then!
439
00:15:29,619 --> 00:15:31,419
Not the farting part,
but the "being on my own" part.
440
00:15:31,521 --> 00:15:32,821
I don't need your help.
441
00:15:33,924 --> 00:15:35,557
Excuse me.
442
00:15:35,659 --> 00:15:37,354
Did a dude named Ken used to live here?
443
00:15:37,427 --> 00:15:38,789
- Get out.
- 'Cause I've seen that wall before,
444
00:15:38,844 --> 00:15:39,961
I think.
445
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:55,982
Mmm.
446
00:15:56,048 --> 00:15:58,415
I wouldn't pay $14 for you,
447
00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:01,515
but you drop your price to $12,
it's a conversation.
448
00:16:02,470 --> 00:16:04,387
Douglas!
449
00:16:05,576 --> 00:16:07,109
My car got towed.
450
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,175
I finally got you to park legally.
451
00:16:09,222 --> 00:16:10,543
I watched with my own eyes
452
00:16:10,612 --> 00:16:12,979
as you parked by a curb
that wasn't a color!
453
00:16:13,081 --> 00:16:15,181
I may have some
outstanding parking tickets.
454
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:18,218
And I mean "outstanding" as in "unpaid"
455
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,019
and also as in "I illegally parked
456
00:16:20,122 --> 00:16:21,588
in some really cool places."
457
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,324
Does your happiness go up
with my blood pressure?
458
00:16:24,393 --> 00:16:27,227
All right, I'll give you a ride
to the impound lot.
459
00:16:27,329 --> 00:16:29,295
No, I'm gonna call an Uber.
It's surge pricing now, but...
460
00:16:29,398 --> 00:16:31,231
- No!
- All right, look.
461
00:16:31,299 --> 00:16:32,499
I'm sorry, okay?
462
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,701
I-I know my convenience tax is nuts.
463
00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:36,169
It's just...
464
00:16:36,238 --> 00:16:38,571
if I wait in a long line
at the post office
465
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,573
or drive all the way
to the bargain mall,
466
00:16:40,609 --> 00:16:42,542
it's less time
I get to spend with Graham.
467
00:16:42,611 --> 00:16:45,278
He was just born. Now he's 8.
468
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,381
And before I know it,
he'll be 18, and...
469
00:16:48,483 --> 00:16:49,716
then that's it.
470
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,886
I already had money
when I became a single parent,
471
00:16:52,954 --> 00:16:55,822
and it still felt impossible.
472
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:58,625
I honestly don't know how you do it.
473
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,126
But it amazes me.
474
00:17:01,897 --> 00:17:02,929
Oh, boy.
475
00:17:03,031 --> 00:17:03,930
Ohhh!
476
00:17:04,032 --> 00:17:05,198
All right, that'll... that'll do.
477
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,200
Let's go.
478
00:17:07,269 --> 00:17:09,803
Hey, do you think if I give
that speech at the impound lot,
479
00:17:09,871 --> 00:17:11,404
they'll just give me my car back?
480
00:17:11,506 --> 00:17:12,972
Well, can you make yourself cry?
481
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,274
Mm, might need a little help.
482
00:17:14,376 --> 00:17:16,286
- Can you get me there?
- Oh, yeah.
483
00:17:21,983 --> 00:17:24,217
Will, I am so sorry.
484
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:26,219
In retrospect,
I shouldn't have hired an actor
485
00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:27,454
to protect your feelings.
486
00:17:27,522 --> 00:17:29,055
But in my defense, I didn't know
487
00:17:29,157 --> 00:17:30,857
Biscuits had that kind
of performance in him.
488
00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:32,192
He really took you on a journey!
489
00:17:32,294 --> 00:17:33,560
He really did.
490
00:17:33,662 --> 00:17:36,029
But it was a journey I was so
pathetically desperate to go on,
491
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,597
it turned me into a monster.
492
00:17:37,699 --> 00:17:40,867
A Bloody Mary with bacon,
tiny burger on the straw?
493
00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:42,535
Pfft. Who did I think I was?
494
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:45,238
French meteorologist Didier Marceau?
495
00:17:47,075 --> 00:17:49,042
I was stupid to think
I would have a fan,
496
00:17:49,144 --> 00:17:50,577
let alone a superfan.
497
00:17:50,679 --> 00:17:51,511
Dad.
498
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:53,947
Do you like doing the weather?
499
00:17:54,049 --> 00:17:55,281
I love it.
500
00:17:55,383 --> 00:17:57,817
Then it doesn't matter
if you don't have a superfan.
501
00:17:57,919 --> 00:18:00,720
It doesn't matter
if you never have a superfan.
502
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,856
Only one person's opinion matters.
503
00:18:02,924 --> 00:18:05,191
French meteorologist Didier Marceau's?
504
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,160
No. Yours.
505
00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:09,232
That is wise.
506
00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,697
Thank you.
507
00:18:11,733 --> 00:18:14,267
You really think
I'll never have a superfan?
508
00:18:14,369 --> 00:18:16,002
No, I take that part back.
509
00:18:16,071 --> 00:18:19,038
You will always, always have
at least one superfan.
510
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,106
Ruin this moment by saying
511
00:18:20,208 --> 00:18:21,751
"French meteorologist Didier Marceau,"
512
00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:22,786
and I will knock you out.
513
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,750
Yes, ma'am.
514
00:18:24,846 --> 00:18:25,922
Mother, I told you,
515
00:18:25,947 --> 00:18:27,981
I don't know what happened
to the hot-glue gun.
516
00:18:28,049 --> 00:18:29,682
- Pbbbbt.
- Oh. You.
517
00:18:29,784 --> 00:18:30,884
Come to ransack my wardrobe
518
00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:32,548
or just assume my identity altogether?
519
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,687
No! I want to apologize.
520
00:18:34,789 --> 00:18:37,423
Look, I was hurt
when you insulted my taste.
521
00:18:37,526 --> 00:18:39,659
There was a time where I didn't
even have to think about it.
522
00:18:39,728 --> 00:18:42,462
I was just cool. I had the trip.
And now...
523
00:18:42,531 --> 00:18:44,330
- Fatherhood has softened your edge?
- Hey.
524
00:18:44,432 --> 00:18:46,132
Sorry, but it has.
525
00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:47,400
And everyone knows it.
526
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,369
I thought this beret was the solution.
527
00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:51,271
I don't know how I got it so wrong.
528
00:18:51,373 --> 00:18:53,206
Buying a used hat at a school auction
529
00:18:53,274 --> 00:18:54,696
really seemed like a silver bullet.
530
00:18:54,774 --> 00:18:58,011
No. My fashion critiques have
been described as "withering."
531
00:18:58,079 --> 00:18:59,662
- True.
- I need to learn to rein it in.
532
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:00,710
Friends?
533
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:03,116
Friends.
534
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,652
So, I was thinking
we can share the beret.
535
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,163
It's with you Monday, Wednesday, Friday
536
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,788
and with me Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday.
537
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:10,189
On Sundays, we alternate.
538
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,473
- Now, vacations might be a little tou...
- Wait. Stop.
539
00:19:12,561 --> 00:19:14,027
Put the beret on. It's yours.
540
00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:16,796
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.
541
00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:19,666
- Wow! It looks good on you!
- Thank you.
542
00:19:19,768 --> 00:19:21,434
And sure, berets are on-trend now,
543
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,969
but I got to keep moving.
544
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,585
The beret of the heartland.
545
00:19:26,675 --> 00:19:28,641
Well, now I want a cowboy hat.
546
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,077
Trish, this is goodbye.
547
00:19:31,179 --> 00:19:32,912
From now on, I'll be making coffee,
548
00:19:32,981 --> 00:19:35,348
like I'm running
a freakin' A.A. meeting.
549
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,083
So, if I come in here,
550
00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:38,685
I'm gonna need you to help me be strong
551
00:19:38,787 --> 00:19:40,019
and not sell me coffee.
552
00:19:40,121 --> 00:19:41,988
Can you promise me that?
553
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,856
No.
554
00:19:43,925 --> 00:19:46,192
I'd get in trouble for
refusing coffee to a customer.
555
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:48,294
I guess that's fair.
556
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,663
And even if nobody knew, I would know.
557
00:19:50,765 --> 00:19:53,967
And ultimately, we're all
responsible to ourselves, Angie.
558
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,602
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask you
559
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:56,806
to compromise your beliefs.
560
00:19:56,868 --> 00:19:59,486
To say nothing of the promise
I've made to our shareholders. I mean...
561
00:19:59,556 --> 00:20:01,189
You know, getting out
of this conversation
562
00:20:01,263 --> 00:20:03,579
is worth $100 to me.
563
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,191
- Convenience tax.
- Convenience tax.
564
00:20:10,472 --> 00:20:13,987
I drove all the way down
to the bargain mall for this.
565
00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:16,317
Oh, no! Is the mail broken?
566
00:20:16,427 --> 00:20:17,495
No.
567
00:20:17,594 --> 00:20:21,043
But thanks to Douglas,
Mommy's making some changes.
568
00:20:21,097 --> 00:20:23,816
What's all this armor for?
569
00:20:23,894 --> 00:20:25,683
For you, to play hockey.
570
00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:27,666
Ohhhhh.
571
00:20:28,653 --> 00:20:30,261
This is hockey.
572
00:20:30,339 --> 00:20:32,493
I got it confused with the other one.
573
00:20:32,594 --> 00:20:34,829
I don't want to do hockey.
574
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:35,815
What?
575
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,229
No. Yeah, you do.
576
00:20:37,291 --> 00:20:39,393
I want to do the one where you dive.
577
00:20:39,494 --> 00:20:41,263
What's the one where you dive called?
578
00:20:41,363 --> 00:20:42,364
Diving?
579
00:20:42,466 --> 00:20:43,900
Yup. That's the one.
580
00:20:43,933 --> 00:20:45,869
You sure you're thinking about diving?
581
00:20:45,971 --> 00:20:47,973
You're not thinking of, like, fencing?
582
00:20:48,074 --> 00:20:51,379
- Nope.
- Great. I'll just...
583
00:20:51,479 --> 00:20:53,649
give you one of my bikini bottoms.
584
00:20:55,994 --> 00:20:59,031
Fencing does sound fun.
585
00:20:59,055 --> 00:21:03,955
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com