WEBVTT

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*

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NADJA:
I have given a strange girl
the most beautiful gift--

3
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the gift of becoming a vampiric

4
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bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.

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Did you see that?

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NADJA:
She has not yet blossomed

7
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into her full vampiric state,

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but I think she is on her way.

9
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(quietly): Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?

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(takes deep breath)

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JENNA:
Sorry if I don't

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seem up to my normal self.
I just...

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I've just been
going through changes.

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(hissing)

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Having crazy dreams.

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Like, super weird.

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My friends have noticed.

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(grunts)

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Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.

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-(creature squeals)
-(hisses)

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I'm usually a flexatarian.

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Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.

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-(hissing)
-Michelangelo...

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JENNA:
I've developed
an eye sensitivity

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and skin sensitivity.

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-And sometimes...
-(whimpering)

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sometimes I have this urge

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to tear my roommate to shreds.

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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

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* Don't sing if you want
to live long *

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* They have no use
for your song *

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* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *

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* You're dead
and out of this world *

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* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *

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* You sold out your dream
to the world *

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* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *

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* You're dead
and out of this world. *

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*

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NANDOR: Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.

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I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victim

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into the house
and then you let them live,

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show them out.

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-Loud and clear.
-Fair enough.

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-It's common courtesy.
-NADJA: All right. Yes.

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-It is.
-It is.
-Also,

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is it possible,
for when you leave the house,

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to blow out the candles?

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Observe. (blows)

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Simple as that.
Major catastrophe

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-averted.
-LASZLO: What is that

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disgusting, putrefied smell?

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Like a... snake in heat?

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That may be me.

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I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."

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-NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
-Aftershave?

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COLIN:
It's a cologne-aftershave mix

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-and I found it
in the bathroom at work.
-NANDOR: Eh, great.

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Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?

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-Why would you use a cologne?
-NANDOR: Shush!

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To annoy you.

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-Touché.
-NANDOR: Please,
I am speaking here!

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And when I was the leader
of my country,

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I would kill anyone
who disrespected me

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when I'm talking about candles.

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You were the leader
of a country?

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Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.

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That sounds like
you just made it up.

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-COLIN: Sounds fake.
-No, I have not just made it up.

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It's a real country.

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It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.

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Al Quolanudar.

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-Bless you.
-NANDOR: Guillermo, go on your

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intelligent telephone machine
and l-look it up.

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GUILLERMO:
Spell that A...

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-A-L. New word.
-Uh-huh.

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-I've got it.
-NANDOR: Oh, great!

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Uh, how-how's it doing?

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Not so hot.
It's dissolved.

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-Wha... When did this happen?
-1401.

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(whimpers)

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NANDOR:
To find out that your country

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has not existed since 1401

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is a pretty sudden shock.

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It was my home.

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Yes, I was driven out
for pillaging

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and killing and torturing,

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and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?

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Nowhere is my home.

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Aah!
(hissing)

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(sucks teeth)

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NADJA:
It is very disgusting for me to
see this little one like this.

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She is like a disabled,

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very sickly donkey

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that you want to smash
in the skull because it is just

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too pitiful to look at.

96
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Eh, I suppose I was not

97
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much different when I first
became a vampire.

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No one had had

99
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"the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.

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I had had no one to guide me.

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(hissing)

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(groans)

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This is a bag of soil
from my homeland

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that I take with me
when I travel.

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'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.

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Al Quolanudar!

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Al Quolanudar... Shit.

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(car alarm chirps)

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(growling)

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Oh, my God!

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Forget it.

112
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What?

113
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You are released.

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I'm not hungry.

115
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It's just...

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I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymore

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and I'm really depressed
about it.

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And I've lost my appetite.

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You don't want to hear
about all this.

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-Y-You were running away.
-W...

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Are you okay?

122
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It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.

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Flee. Flee!

124
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Master, are you all right?

125
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I have no country.
I have no home.

126
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What? No, this is your home.

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And this is your country.

128
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No, it's not and it's not.

129
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Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?

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-Is that possible?
-Of course.

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Yes.

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I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation

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and make this place my home!

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There you go.

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I think that's a bus stop there.

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I'll see you back at home.

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(squeaking)

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Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to me

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-that I'm turning
into a vampire.
-I bit your neck.

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I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?

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I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...

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(scoffs) You are giving me
sarcasm? (laughs)

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I-I enjoy.
(laughs)

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Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?

145
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Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.

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You are living
like a little chimney boy.

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If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,

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you just have to complete
your transition.

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-How do I do that?
-Darling, it's nothing. You just

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got to drink
some human blood, baby.

151
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That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.

152
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Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,

153
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-but not kill them?
-Shh.

154
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-You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby.
-Okay.

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GUILLERMO:
So I promised
to help my master

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-apply for citizenship.
-NANDOR: Yes?

157
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Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.

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I called Immigration, and

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you are eligible
for citizenship.

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-You actually
started the process,
-Great.

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but you didn't finish.

162
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I didn't?

163
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No. 1992.

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I did apply
for my American citizenship

165
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back in 1992.

166
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For five reasons
and five reasons only:

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Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.

168
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The starting lineup for the 1992

169
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U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.

170
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-The Dream Team, baby.
-* I got the moves... *

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I call this my Dunk Zone.

172
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They were merciless.

173
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Titans amongst men.

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Conquerors of the court.

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I simply had to

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pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.

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GUILLERMO:
Well, what happened in 1992?

178
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Why didn't you
complete the process?

179
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Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.

180
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So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.

181
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Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.

182
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So, we need to work out
what yours is,

183
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so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.

184
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I can fold my tongue
like a taco.

185
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What's that? Oh, no.

186
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No. Let's try... You seduce me.

187
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I am just stupid human man.

188
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Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.

189
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I'd love to drink beer.

190
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-Okay.
-Bite your lip seductively.

191
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(lip crunches)

192
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-Ow.
-Okay.

193
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,223
Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.

194
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,491
Well, what's your power?

195
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I am an excellent crawler.

196
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-You can see.
-Oh.

197
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(quietly):
Oh, she can do everything.

198
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,871
Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.

199
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,206
Darling, it's very easy,

200
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you just scratch up the wall.

201
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That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...

202
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,914
(screams, grunts)

203
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,649
-Oh, no, are you okay?
-(groans)

204
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,250
What the hell is going on?

205
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,220
What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?

206
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,556
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby

207
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vampire how to crawl.

208
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-Who?
-Jenna.

209
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,860
-Who's Jenna?
-She's right there.

210
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,162
Oh, right, I didn't see you.

211
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,530
She should be in a bloody cage.

212
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,265
(gasps) Laszlo.
(hisses)

213
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,668
-(both hissing)
-JENNA: That's a horrible
thing to say.

214
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,270
Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence. (hisses)

215
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,941
-(door slams)
-Damn.
-Idiot. (hisses)

216
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,410
GUILLERMO:
Okay, just imagine we're at
the Immigration office

217
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,945
and I'll be
the government official.

218
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580
When and where were you born?

219
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,783
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.

220
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,018
And where is that?

221
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,219
Southern Iran.

222
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,553
Mm-hmm.

223
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,255
Maybe not mention Iran.

224
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,790
Why did you leave your country?

225
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:20,293
Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.

226
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,563
How many times
have you been married?

227
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,565
-Just the once.
-Okay.

228
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,800
To 37 women.

229
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,270
-(knocking)
-NADJA: Jenna,

230
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,240
Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.

231
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,442
I say, little vampire,

232
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,444
I'm very sorry for saying

233
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you should be kept in a cage.

234
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,249
All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilities

235
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,416
will turn you into

236
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:47,220
the most impressive vampire
there is.

237
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,656
(whispers):
Yes!

238
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,624
Hello.

239
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,493
-Really?
-Absolutely.

240
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:54,995
Who is George Washington?

241
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,496
-George Washington?
-Yes.

242
00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:00,567
America's first gay president.

243
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,936
I don't think that George
Washington was actually...

244
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,471
Yes.

245
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,440
-Hello, Nandor!
-Hello.

246
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,842
Is that that virgin girl?

247
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343
Hi.

248
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,612
Is she a vampire now?

249
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348
Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face--

250
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,984
it's a pretty major clue.

251
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,688
(sighs)
Anyway, which one is better:

252
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,823
alt-right or Antifa?

253
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,992
I'm trying to decide
which team to join...

254
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,361
GUILLERMO:
I just, uh, found out
that Nadja has turned someone--

255
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,798
someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy--

256
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,300
into a vampire.

257
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,669
(muffled shrieking)

258
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,671
The transformation into a bat

259
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506
is probably
the most important thing

260
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,508
-a vampire can do.
-NADJA: Yes.

261
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,943
Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?

262
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,377
-No, no, no. Don't do that.
-Wait, what are you doing?

263
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,647
If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...

264
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,249
nak...
Where do my clothes go?

265
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,952
Huh.

266
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,220
Um...

267
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,488
let's not get bogged down
in the details.

268
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,657
-Keep your clothes on for now.
-Oh, okay.

269
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,293
Right.

270
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,062
When I turn into a bat,

271
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,731
there's no real skill
to it at all.

272
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,033
I just shout "bat!"

273
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,901
(squeaking)

274
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,502
Human form!

275
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,671
-Much like that.
-Oh, wow.

276
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:12,706
Your turn.

277
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,241
Okay.

278
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,475
(exhales)

279
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,078
Bat!

280
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,713
-(high-pitched screaming)
-Oh.
-Ooh.

281
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,882
NADJA:
It's okay. Calm down
and just stop screaming.

282
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,483
-Terrifying.
-What the heck?

283
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,985
-What would you even call that?
-I don't know.

284
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,820
"We, the people..."

285
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,756
We, the people...

286
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,590
-"We, the..."
-(loud thud)

287
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,359
-JENNA: Ow!
-What was that?

288
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,395
Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.

289
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,865
Well, go and investigate.

290
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,504
Sorry, hi.

291
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,740
-Yep. Bag of garbage.
-Uh, hi.

292
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,909
Is there any way
you could let me back in?

293
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,744
Yeah.

294
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,081
(quietly):
You can figure it out
on your own

295
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,715
since you're
a fucking vampire now.

296
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,017
JENNA:
Guillermo?

297
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,987
I can hear you.
Heightened senses.

298
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,127
NADJA:
I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat

299
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,629
is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.

300
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,800
I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.

301
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,136
So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.

302
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,471
So what?
She's a below-average vampire.

303
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,473
Either way, I do think
she's very much ready

304
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,075
for her first human meal.

305
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,476
I believe in you very much.

306
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,744
We're going to go to a party

307
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,279
full of hot idiots.

308
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,781
We demand you invite us

309
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250
inside your house carnival, now.

310
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,052
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."

311
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,320
Ew.

312
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,923
We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.

313
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,893
And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?

314
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,094
Okay.

315
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,830
(dramatic music playing)

316
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,234
NANDOR:
Obviously, I'm just going to

317
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,171
hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.

318
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,174
When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?

319
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,809
Listen to my words.

320
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,278
You will grant me

321
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,014
my American citizenship.

322
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,852
Make me one
with your evil empire.

323
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,922
Is this a joke to you, sir?

324
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,924
Um...

325
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,559
No.

326
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,429
-Good.
-NANDOR: It seems

327
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,598
that, uh, government workers

328
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,334
are immune to hypnotism.

329
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,671
It's like their souls are dead
or something.

330
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,274
Please describe
the right to bear arms.

331
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,643
NANDOR:
If it's a nice day,

332
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,547
you should have the right

333
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,817
to bare your arms.

334
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,520
All right.
Moving on.

335
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,521
NANDOR (whispers):
I don't detect

336
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,891
any human left in them.

337
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,825
-(ska band playing)
-NADJA: Right. Who in here looks

338
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,861
lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?

339
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,329
Oh, what about him?

340
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,964
He looks like
a really good laugh.

341
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,632
JENNA:
He's in my stats class.

342
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,001
So?

343
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,136
So, I-I cannot kill him

344
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,371
because that would be
a very big blow to his family.

345
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,573
I can't take that on,
emotionally.

346
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,841
Please, darling, listen to me.

347
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,411
We are in a room
full of pure asshole.

348
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,179
You can do no wrong.
Honestly.

349
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,016
I believe in you, my darling.
(exclaims)

350
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417
-Okay.
-Okay.

351
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,386
We elect a president
for how many years?

352
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,722
A thousand years.

353
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,029
Okay.

354
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,696
The idea of self-government

355
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,833
is in the first three words
of the Constitution.

356
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,969
So, what are these words?

357
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,872
Hmm?

358
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,209
"Hey... you guys."

359
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,911
Yeah. Okay.

360
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,781
What does the Constitution
do for the people?

361
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,416
-It...
-Oppresses them.

362
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,121
Try and get his attention,
darling.

363
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,789
Lovely red face.

364
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959
Are you enjoying your drink?

365
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,594
Are you enjoying your drink?!

366
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,863
-I don't think he hears me.
-No,

367
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,798
I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.

368
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,133
Just watch me, okay?

369
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,069
Oh, hello.

370
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,306
Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.

371
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408
I will punish myself later,

372
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,710
'cause I'm such a bad girl.

373
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,112
Who are your parents?

374
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613
They are very bad

375
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,584
for making such a big boy.

376
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,286
I love you.

377
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,787
So much.

378
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,090
See? It's very, very easy.

379
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,058
Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

380
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,727
-I live to be your slave.
-Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,

381
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,997
put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,

382
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165
and flush it seven times.

383
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,436
I think-I think
that was an abuse of power.

384
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,505
I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.

385
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107
-Oh, my...!
-(Nadja gasps)

386
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,141
Hello.

387
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,242
Hello?!

388
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,476
Okay. No, it's okay.

389
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,245
-He'll-he'll apologize.
-No.

390
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,679
You have just spilled

391
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,948
your tankard of mead
all over my companion.

392
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,117
What? Who?

393
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,184
Me.

394
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:52,319
(hisses)

395
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,187
(groans)
This is pointless!

396
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,688
Nobody sees me!

397
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,991
Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!

398
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,492
No, darling, it's not pointless.

399
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,928
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.

400
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,330
-Thank you, I'm sorry.
-But...

401
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,532
(Jenna exhales heavily)
Excuse me! Could you just...

402
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,368
Can you just get out of my way?!

403
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,936
Get out of my way!

404
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,005
Why does nobody hear me?!

405
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,806
(screams)

406
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,108
(gasps)
Wh...

407
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,310
-(woman gasps)
-(man grunts)

408
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,546
-Whoa!
-What is that?

409
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,049
-(partygoers scream)
-(Nadja laughs)

410
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,316
Did you see?

411
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,984
Did anyone... Really?!

412
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,153
-Jenna?
-Whoa.

413
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,021
You went invisible.

414
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,490
The... Didn't you see it?

415
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,626
You have a very,
very special power.

416
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,030
You are going to murder so many
human people with this.

417
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,035
-Yes.
-(small scream)

418
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,536
(screams)

419
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,138
JENNA:
This is the best
night of my life!

420
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,573
-Okay, wait, wait, wait.
-NADJA: Where has she gone?

421
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,076
Dracula's in the house!

422
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,477
Where's my Jenna?

423
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,644
There she is!

424
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,546
-(squeals)
-This is amazing!

425
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,050
I have a cool vampire power.

426
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,186
Now, I wonder if anyone looks

427
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,853
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy

428
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,490
for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?

429
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,891
-(playing ska music)
-* Pick it up *

430
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,926
* Pick it up,
pick it up, pick it up *

431
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,195
* Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up... *

432
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,363
-(yells)
-(music stops, partygoers gasp)

433
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,564
-(grunting)
-(Jenna grunts)

434
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,032
MAN:
Pick him up!

435
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,068
(grunting)

436
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,210
(panting)

437
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,515
-What the fuck?!
-Hi.

438
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,949
Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.

439
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,585
Aah!
(gasping)

440
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,289
Ah...

441
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,363
Hmm.

442
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,199
Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.

443
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,901
Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.

444
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,471
Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight and...

445
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,107
on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.

446
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,808
I've done as you asked,
Mistress.

447
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,277
Not now, big boy.

448
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,611
Go and eat some bricks.

449
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,548
IMMIGRATION OFFICER:
Now,

450
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,116
to test
your English comprehension,

451
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,118
I'm going to ask you to recite

452
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,619
the Oath of Allegiance.

453
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,355
NANDOR:
Okay.

454
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,291
"I hereby declare, on oath,

455
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,726
"that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjure

456
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,563
"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince

457
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,598
"and without
any mental reservation

458
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:22,335
"or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."

459
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,107
So help me G...

460
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,610
(sighs)
So help me G...

461
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,281
Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?

462
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,452
So help me Go...
(screaming)

463
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,289
-(flames hiss out)
-Oh...

464
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,757
(muffled):
Ow. Ow.

465
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:45,958
(groaning)

466
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,368
You ready to go?

467
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,270
I didn't pass.

468
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,439
Made a fool out of myself.

469
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141
I have no country,
I have no home.

470
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,311
I have no people.

471
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,946
I'm like a little lost duck,

472
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,182
floating about
in the middle of the ocean.

473
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,218
Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?

474
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,521
-Excuse me?
-You know, I'm tired of it.

475
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,456
So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.

476
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,957
You're not
a citizen of anything.

477
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,559
You're a vampire!

478
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,661
Okay? You can fly.

479
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,663
You can transport
anywhere as a bat!

480
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:24,897
You are immortal.

481
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,400
Do you have any idea how much

482
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,536
people would pay,
who they would kill

483
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,137
just to be who you are?

484
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,672
To be in your shoes?

485
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,741
In your fucking shoes!

486
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,577
You should be fucking proud
of yourself.

487
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,712
Proud of who you are.

488
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,715
Wow.

489
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,016
Guillermo.

490
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,420
You are right.

491
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,689
I am a vampire.

492
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,925
A cool and powerful vampire.

493
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,665
Hear my words!

494
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,402
I am a proud vampire!

495
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,204
I will not bow down

496
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,374
to your pathetic bureaucracies.

497
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,877
It is you
who will bow down to me!

498
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,613
I don't need your citizenship.

499
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,047
I will rule

500
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,850
this earth for eternity

501
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,419
as you rot

502
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,255
and your bones turn to dust!

503
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,390
(car alarm blaring)

504
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,957
Yes!

505
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,427
Sound the alarms!

506
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,697
It won't make no difference!

507
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,732
(car alarm dies away)

508
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,168
(Nandor exhales)

509
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,574
Guillermo...

510
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:45,412
I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.

511
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,248
Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...

512
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,451
you were right.

513
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,652
Thank you.

514
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,587
You're welcome.

515
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:58,257
I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,

516
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,827
you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...

517
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,228
Nah, I'm good.

518
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,497
Oh.

519
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,098
Hands down,
the best night of my life.

520
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,301
-I mean, I'm invisible,
-Yes.

521
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,136
I ate my first dude,

522
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,439
and I've never
stayed up this late.

523
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,006
Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?

524
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,107
-That would be so nice.
-Oh...

525
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108
We could cozy up.

526
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,110
About that-- um...

527
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:19,746
Funny... very funny story.

528
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,948
You can never
go in the sun again,

529
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,616
because if you do, you will

530
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,686
burst into a boiling ball
of flame.

531
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,255
Sorry.

532
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,123
I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to be

533
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,825
a American citizen.

534
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662
I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.

535
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,497
Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.

536
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,965
They'll give those to anyone.

537
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,867
-Really?
-Yeah.

538
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,636
Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a sword

539
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,672
without the checking
of your background.

540
00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:46,873
JENNA:
I got it!

541
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,275
NADJA:
What? What is it?

542
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,644
Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.

543
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:52,712
Haven't you seen Blade?

544
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:54,213
They put the things on

545
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:56,383
and then the sun can't hit you.

546
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,017
-Oh.
-Trust me.

547
00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,520
It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.

548
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:03,289
NADJA:
You are now a full,
strong vampire.

549
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,057
You no longer need me.

550
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,961
And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.

551
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,364
-It's so exciting!
-JENNA: It is!

552
00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:13,400
-(hissing)
-NADJA: What the fuck?

553
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,301
-JENNA: Ow!
-NADJA: Curse!

554
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,335
Oh, that's very hot!

555
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,706
-We must go!
-(squealing)

556
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:21,641
*

557
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:25,011
* Oh, vampire ska *

558
00:22:25,044 --> 00:22:27,914
* Raise up the soul,
pack up the school time *

559
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:30,383
* Everybody knew that
she was ruler *

560
00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:32,852
* Wants to sink her fangs deep
in your neck *

561
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:35,054
* She's gonna take you home
and show you no respect *

562
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:37,056
* She's a vampire *

563
00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,458
* Shake it up *

564
00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:43,596
* Oh, vampire ska *

565
00:22:43,630 --> 00:22:46,332
* She said, "You dress
like a city gent" *

566
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:49,168
* So out for a pint
is where we went *

567
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,704
* Her bomber jacket
had a Guinness towel *

568
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:53,740
* She looked real sharp
in my chrome cowl *

569
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:56,743
* She's a vampire. *

570
00:23:01,748 --> 00:23:03,716
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH