1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,670
I have recently
rediscovered my love

2
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,800
for topiary sculpture.

3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,140
The art of bush manipulation.

4
00:00:10,170 --> 00:00:13,910
We have Anubis,
the Egyptian god of death.

5
00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:15,210
Here is a chimera.

6
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,180
This one, I'm the most proud of.

7
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This is the bunny,
simply because it ended up

8
00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:22,090
exactly the same
as I had in my head.

9
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,150
- And up here...
- Yo, Laz!

10
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,690
All right, Sean.

11
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,360
Bitch kicked me out again.
Can you believe it?

12
00:00:28,390 --> 00:00:30,060
She ought to
strangle you to death

13
00:00:30,090 --> 00:00:32,160
with your own sphincter muscle.

14
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,830
- What did you just say?
- I said something

15
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,900
which you will
heartily agree with.

16
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:42,040
Yeah, I hear that, bro.
That's-that's messed up.

17
00:00:42,070 --> 00:00:43,440
Have a good night.

18
00:00:43,470 --> 00:00:45,840
His wife will probably kill him.

19
00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:47,880
Which leads me on
to the fairer sex.

20
00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:50,780
What you're about to see
are the topiary representations

21
00:00:50,810 --> 00:00:54,280
of the vulvas of some
of my favorite prostitutes

22
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and women I have loved.

23
00:00:56,150 --> 00:00:59,420
Polly Nichols
from Whitechapel, 1888.

24
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,220
Oh, that's my good
lady wife Nadja.

25
00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:04,060
Don't think she'd like you to
see that, but who gives a fuck?

26
00:01:04,090 --> 00:01:06,260
Beautiful.

27
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,400
That's Nancy Reagan at the end.
It's a bit untidy.

28
00:01:09,430 --> 00:01:12,970
And here we have
the pièce de résistance,

29
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,310
my mother.

30
00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:17,970
What the...

31
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:20,210
You're kidding.

32
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Ugh!

33
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,210
That's werewolf piss.

34
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,250
Werewolf piss.

35
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:31,120
This box contains
all my werewolf traps.

36
00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:33,990
That's what we're looking for,
the Wulfsfalle.

37
00:01:34,020 --> 00:01:36,930
That'll do the business.

38
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,990
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

39
00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:41,560
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

40
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,070
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

41
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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

42
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,140
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

43
00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:54,240
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

44
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,950
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

45
00:01:56,980 --> 00:01:59,320
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

46
00:01:59,350 --> 00:02:02,020
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

47
00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:03,720
♪

48
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:14,660
Am I a morning person?

49
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:18,800
That would be
an enthusiastic "yes."

50
00:02:18,830 --> 00:02:21,440
I really enjoy the mornings.

51
00:02:21,470 --> 00:02:23,340
Let's see what Nandor's up to.

52
00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:25,010
Nandor?

53
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,210
I wake up hungry,
and I get to feed all day.

54
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,550
Go away, please, Colin Robinson.

55
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:33,780
Nandor, it's time
to name that tune.

56
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,880
Guillermo, get him out of here!

57
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,620
- Will you get out of here?
- I made it up.

58
00:02:37,650 --> 00:02:40,060
- Can't you see I am sleeping?
- Please get out.

59
00:02:40,090 --> 00:02:42,360
Get out.

60
00:02:42,390 --> 00:02:45,860
That's what I call
my "morning cup of coffee."

61
00:02:45,890 --> 00:02:48,300
Dan, how are you?

62
00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:51,230
Mornings are great for feeding.
People aren't really,

63
00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:53,740
you know, frustrated yet
by the entire day.

64
00:02:53,770 --> 00:02:55,370
If you don't want to have kids,

65
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,110
then I would keep that phone
in your pocket.

66
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:02,410
Arnie. You know,
I was thinking about the whole,

67
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:05,750
uh, Q-tip debate
that we've been having,

68
00:03:05,780 --> 00:03:07,820
and, you know, science says

69
00:03:07,850 --> 00:03:10,350
that you shouldn't
stick anything

70
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,820
smaller than your elbow
into your ear.

71
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,590
Talk about damage
to the ear canal.

72
00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:16,160
- Am I not right?
- I just can't.

73
00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:18,590
Yeah, no, and, uh...

74
00:03:21,530 --> 00:03:23,670
There's someone new
in the office.

75
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:26,900
If you get 'em before this place
grinds them down,

76
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,310
you get so much fresh energy.

77
00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:36,910
Knock, knock.

78
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,080
Let me be the ad hoc
welcoming committee.

79
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,080
I am Colin Robinson.

80
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,250
You're gonna be hearing
a lot more about me.

81
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,790
- Oh, probably not.
- Oh, no.

82
00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:47,760
Nonsense. People talk.

83
00:03:47,790 --> 00:03:50,190
- Not to me, they don't.
- Look at that.

84
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,930
- Personalized nameplate, huh?
- Yeah, I-I had it made because

85
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,030
people don't usually
remember my name.

86
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,300
Oh.

87
00:03:56,330 --> 00:03:57,600
Since we're on friendly terms,

88
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:59,400
let me give you a little advice.

89
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,410
The water fountain,
I have reason to believe,

90
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:03,770
is not filtered.

91
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:06,210
I wouldn't dare
go by the water fountain.

92
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,610
What if everybody laughed?

93
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,380
Wh-Why...
why would they do that?

94
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,750
You have no idea how long
I've been waiting

95
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:16,820
to hear a kind word.

96
00:04:16,850 --> 00:04:20,760
I've been all alone
since Mother died, so...

97
00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,490
Oh. I'm-I'm just
talking to you. I...

98
00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:26,530
- There, there.
- Thank you.

99
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:31,600
- Talk later?
- Yeah.

100
00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:33,770
- Really?
- Yeah, I said we would.

101
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,340
I'd love to chat later.

102
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,310
Oh, what the hell was that?

103
00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:41,080
I didn't get anything from her.

104
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:42,510
Nothing.

105
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,720
I think there's
something weird about Evie.

106
00:04:56,390 --> 00:04:58,690
This is mine and Laszlo's crypt.

107
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:01,030
I decorated it myself.

108
00:05:01,060 --> 00:05:03,270
This one is a very special
creature to me.

109
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,670
When I first met Laszlo,

110
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,670
I was walking
on the moors with him,

111
00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:09,340
and this owl flew over
and scratched my head,

112
00:05:09,370 --> 00:05:12,170
and I said, "Kill that fucking
bitch, please, Laszlo."

113
00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:14,380
If me and Laszlo were
to have ever had a child,

114
00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:17,680
I like to imagine
it would look like him.

115
00:05:17,710 --> 00:05:19,350
Small and hard.

116
00:05:19,380 --> 00:05:21,620
I hate this goat.

117
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:25,450
What is that?

118
00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:26,890
It's werewolf.

119
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,130
Coming from outside.

120
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,130
There's a bloody big werewolf
on the lawn.

121
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,230
Quick.

122
00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:39,870
- Ugh, ugh.
- Ew.

123
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:42,140
- Bloody big one.
- Quick, we need to get it inside.

124
00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:44,240
It stinks.

125
00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:46,380
Why is its foot in a trap?

126
00:05:46,410 --> 00:05:48,080
- Laszlo, did you lay a trap?
- What?

127
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:50,250
No, no, nothing
to do with me. Let's just get it

128
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,550
- off the grass.
- It's okay. It's okay.

129
00:05:52,580 --> 00:05:55,750
- It's okay. The neighbors, the neighbors.
- Shh. He's losing conscious.

130
00:05:55,780 --> 00:05:57,820
- Go to sleep now.
- That's it, that's it.

131
00:05:57,850 --> 00:06:01,420
- Go to sleep, Mr. Werewolf.
- That's it.

132
00:06:01,460 --> 00:06:03,730
Okay, this way. Go, go.

133
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,830
- The boy should be helping.
- He is helping.

134
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:08,160
- Where do we take it, the basement?
- Fancy room.

135
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,530
But we just spring-cleaned.

136
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:13,570
- Master, is it safe to be this close to it?
- Probably not, Guillermo.

137
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,370
Well, when it wakes up,
won't it kill me?

138
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,880
Yes, probably. But we have more
important things to talk about.

139
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,850
We need to get rid of him.

140
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,580
And when I say get rid of him,
I mean...

141
00:06:25,610 --> 00:06:27,180
No! The werewolf lives.

142
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,690
Otherwise, we endanger
the sanctity of the Truce.

143
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,750
- The Truce?
- Ah, the Truce.

144
00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:33,120
I hate the Truce.

145
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,560
For tens upon tens of years,

146
00:06:36,590 --> 00:06:39,390
the vampire
and werewolf communities

147
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:44,300
live in a wary peace
because of the Truce.

148
00:06:44,330 --> 00:06:46,600
Vampire does not harm werewolf,

149
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,740
so long as werewolf doesn't
interfere with any vampire shit.

150
00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:52,370
His friends might
know he's here.

151
00:06:52,410 --> 00:06:54,810
Which means all of his friends
will come and visit him.

152
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,826
Okay, let us put a muzzle
on him, take him to a park,

153
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:57,910
tie him to a bench.

154
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,580
He's waking up.
He's waking up!

155
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,080
Oh, God.

156
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:06,090
Why do you guys have
a werewolf trap?

157
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,460
I mean, a normal trap
on your lawn?

158
00:07:08,490 --> 00:07:10,390
We know you're a big
bloody werewolf.

159
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,830
I saw you screeching
and scratching around the garden

160
00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:14,460
like a big, disgusting wet dog.

161
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:18,400
Yeah, so the game's up,
you bastard.

162
00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:19,740
Luckily for you guys,

163
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:21,800
I have incredible
healing abilities.

164
00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:25,470
I'm already
recovering completely.

165
00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:28,340
Ow!

166
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:30,680
- He's gonna shit.
- Oh, no.

167
00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:32,750
When my werewolf brethren
and sisteren

168
00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:35,480
find out about this,
they will not be happy.

169
00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:41,090
Ah, shit.

170
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:44,830
- He's broken the bloody window.
- My other leg!

171
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:46,290
This is bad.
This is very bad.

172
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:47,930
Yes, this is very bad.

173
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,930
I'm coming back with the pack.

174
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,700
And by then,
I'll be 100% healed.

175
00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:54,170
Don't worry about that.

176
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,670
- He could've killed me.
- Possibly, but you know,

177
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,340
these things happen.

178
00:07:58,370 --> 00:08:01,540
Hey, Kamal. Put on a little
weight this weekend, no?

179
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,150
Hey, Jeannie. Ooh.

180
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,720
Man, what's an antonym
for "jealous"?

181
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:10,620
'Cause that's how I feel
about your workload

182
00:08:10,650 --> 00:08:12,520
right now.

183
00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:18,960
Arnie. You're gonna kill me,
but I think I am going to

184
00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:23,570
change my position on the whole
Q-tip conundrum that we had.

185
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,200
- Arnie, are you even listening to me?
- Huh, Colin?

186
00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:30,040
Sorry. I was talking
to the new girl.

187
00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:33,580
She told me the saddest story
about her nephew.

188
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:36,310
Born with his eyeballs
facing backwards.

189
00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:38,580
So can he see his brains?

190
00:08:38,610 --> 00:08:41,750
I think the new girl is
an emotional vampire.

191
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:45,350
They're an advanced form
of energy vampire.

192
00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:48,860
But instead of frustrating
the people around them

193
00:08:48,890 --> 00:08:52,390
for energy, they feed off
of pity. Look at her.

194
00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,360
There's not gonna be
anything left

195
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,700
when she's done with Dave,
I'll tell you that much.

196
00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:59,400
This whole damn office is empty.

197
00:08:59,430 --> 00:09:01,170
Evie.

198
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,040
E.V.

199
00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,770
Emotional vamp... Oh, hell.

200
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,580
It's on, Evie Russell.
Oh, it's on.

201
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:12,580
Biff! Hey.

202
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,180
Hey, Biff.
Could I have a word with you?

203
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,020
Biff, just a second, Biff.

204
00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:17,466
- Just gonna use the bathroom first.
- Quick question about...

205
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,350
Biff, I had a... actually,

206
00:09:19,390 --> 00:09:21,566
- I had a quick question.
- -Biff, we need to discuss...

207
00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:24,260
Can this wait till we get
out of the bathroom?

208
00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:26,036
'Cause it's kind of femininerelated.
Uh, Biff, you're gon...

209
00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:27,530
I can't exact...

210
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,700
- Biff, Biff, Biff.
- Biff, I can't exactly...

211
00:09:29,730 --> 00:09:31,370
- Hold on, hold on.
- Oh, man!

212
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,300
Biff, I-I think my dog
might be autistic,

213
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,370
- and I need a shoulder to cry on.
- Biff.

214
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,270
- Please, Biff.
- What is happening, Colin?

215
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,570
What do you think of
the new toilet paper in here?

216
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:41,580
- I was wondering... Let go!
- This is crazy.

217
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,550
Oh, you don't use, uh,
toilet paper liner, huh?

218
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:44,986
Biff, I just need
to talk to you, please.

219
00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:46,410
Not a seat protector dude, huh?

220
00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:49,050
I'm just so sad,
and I don't know what to do.

221
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,250
- I'm not feeling well.
- I-I... I feel really weak.

222
00:09:52,990 --> 00:09:56,390
You know, the Greek
phrasing for "coma"

223
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,760
is "deep sleep."

224
00:10:00,830 --> 00:10:03,000
Poor Biff.

225
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,180
One, two, three silver bullets.

226
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,240
How are we gonna kill
a whole wolf pack

227
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,910
with just three silver bullets?

228
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,696
It's worse than that...
We don't even have a gun.

229
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,820
No gun?

230
00:10:20,850 --> 00:10:23,150
The wolf pack.

231
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,490
She is here.

232
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,020
What the blazes?

233
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,460
Look, two werewolves,

234
00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:31,690
as bold as brass.

235
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:34,200
And I can even sense one
behind me.

236
00:10:34,230 --> 00:10:36,770
She's emptying her wolf snatch
all over the bushes!

237
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,976
All right, you've made your
point. Let's call this a night.

238
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,870
Oh, no.
We're just getting started.

239
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,540
Way to go, Deb.
Good, strong stream.

240
00:10:44,570 --> 00:10:46,640
Yeah. We had the piss.

241
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:50,310
- Now we need the blood.
- Someone's finally speaking my language.

242
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,350
Get ready to start speaking it

243
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:54,126
our your butt,
you Sense and Sensibility bitch.

244
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:55,856
- Ange, Ange, Ange.
- What-what are we doing?

245
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,690
You're ramping it up
pretty quick here.

246
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,690
Let's build up.
Let's build up to something.

247
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,160
What I don't understand is why
you texted us all, woke us up

248
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:03,966
and told us to come here to
what, just piss on everything?

249
00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:06,660
- Are we gonna get on with this?
- Lack of organization, man.

250
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,560
I'm just gonna need
a second here.

251
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,846
You're doing it again.
You're undermining me.

252
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,870
No, you made us look
like turds, man.

253
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,970
Can you stop crying
on my lawn, please?

254
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,040
- Let's talk about it later.
- Okay. Let's do it later.

255
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,540
At last.

256
00:11:19,570 --> 00:11:21,140
Give me some space.

257
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,650
You'll need more than space,
me old chap.

258
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,250
Go on, Laszlo.

259
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,990
Oh, no.

260
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:33,260
Not my bunny. Look.

261
00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:35,090
No, that's my rabbit.
That's my best one.

262
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,160
- My sciatica.
- Don't worry, darling.

263
00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:44,870
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!

264
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,740
Here comes the party poop.

265
00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:49,270
You can't be fighting
with werewolves on the lawn.

266
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:50,870
You'll alert
the human neighbors.

267
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,940
And there's a bus stop
outside the house.

268
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:55,610
Well, don't appear as a mist
on the lawn, then, you prick.

269
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,880
What the hell's going on
over there, Laz?

270
00:11:57,910 --> 00:11:59,710
Nothing, Sean.

271
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:01,580
Everything's all right
on this lawn.

272
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:04,450
Just how I like it.
And I'm going inside.

273
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,690
- It's just the neighbor.
- Carry on.

274
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,190
If we are to battle,
we must follow the protocols.

275
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,606
Of course we're going to
follow the protocols.

276
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:12,800
- To the protocols.
- Sure.

277
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:14,260
And now there's
lots of dogs going

278
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,940
- in my house.
- Shit, have you got a key?

279
00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:25,610
It's very tense.

280
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,240
Vampires, werewolves,

281
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:33,280
give me a moment to find
the relevant passage.

282
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,490
So, are all you werewolves
Indians?

283
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,660
- Oh, here we go again.
- Fucking Twilight.

284
00:12:41,690 --> 00:12:43,990
No, we're not all Indians.

285
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,560
In fact... well, I'm an Indian.

286
00:12:46,590 --> 00:12:48,776
But that's because my father's
from India. I think you're

287
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,646
not even talking about
that kind of Indian, though.

288
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,446
I think you're talking about
a Native American.

289
00:12:52,470 --> 00:12:54,770
- Like Marcus.
- Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf

290
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,670
- because I'm Native American.
- That's right.

291
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:58,770
All right?
It's not an ethnic thing.

292
00:12:58,810 --> 00:13:01,010
- That's one guy.
- We're all different.

293
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,910
- I'm African-American.
- That's right.

294
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,450
- Oh.
- Yeah.

295
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,120
I'm Caribbean-Canadian.
Saskatoon, motherfucker.

296
00:13:07,150 --> 00:13:08,680
- That's right.
- Yeah.

297
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,790
- I'm Caucasian.
- That's-that's right.

298
00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:12,790
That's Chad.
If anyone is interested,

299
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:14,990
- I have found the...
- Yes, get on with this.

300
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,530
Relevant passage for...

301
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:21,130
This was written in 1993.

302
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,760
- Wow.
- And it states,

303
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,100
"Should a werewolf pack

304
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:27,940
have a beef
with a vampire house..."

305
00:13:27,970 --> 00:13:29,800
That's us.

306
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,840
"the two groups
shall not battle,

307
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,310
"but elect from amongst them

308
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,950
"their strongest fighter.

309
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:40,850
"The two fighters will face off

310
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,690
- "in one-on-one combat...
- No.

311
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,120
On neutral ground."

312
00:13:46,150 --> 00:13:49,160
Okay. Staten Island
Werewolf Support Group.

313
00:13:52,590 --> 00:13:55,460
Uh, vampires in this room.

314
00:13:57,030 --> 00:13:58,800
Not you, Guillermo.

315
00:14:02,570 --> 00:14:04,570
It's on, Evie Russell.

316
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,340
Oh, it's on.

317
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,380
- Evie Russell.
- Colin Robinson.

318
00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:13,080
- Working late?
- I have to. I'm behind.

319
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,880
I like your skirt.

320
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,890
You should be careful,
because mauve attracts bees.

321
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,090
I was wearing this skirt when my
sister got her cancer diagnosis.

322
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,230
Cancer isn't usually
what kills you.

323
00:14:24,260 --> 00:14:25,530
It's the treatment.

324
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,230
She was killed
by a drunk driver.

325
00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:30,100
He was my fiancé.

326
00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:32,900
Violence often begins at home.
Studies indicate...

327
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:36,570
I've never had a home!

328
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,270
Remind me to e-mail you
a link to a Slate article

329
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:41,410
on the millennial
housing crisis.

330
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,850
I don't use e-mail

331
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,010
ever since my computer
was hacked

332
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,950
and my identity was stolen.

333
00:14:47,980 --> 00:14:50,020
Hackers,
featuring Johnny Lee Miller

334
00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:54,420
and Fisher Stevens, is one of
the few movies from 1995

335
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,860
that still holds up!

336
00:14:56,890 --> 00:14:59,290
I was held up at gunpoint

337
00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:02,260
while waiting in line
to see that movie.

338
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,270
But they didn't take any money.

339
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,430
They just did it for fun!

340
00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:16,410
Human form.

341
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,610
Come on!

342
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,820
We're five minutes early.

343
00:15:22,850 --> 00:15:24,450
You know...

344
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,260
we don't have to be enemies.

345
00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:29,820
Have you ever considered
hunting with a partner?

346
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:32,490
The thought has only recently
crossed my mind.

347
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,830
Rhonda.

348
00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:39,430
I was wondering
if you could settle a bet.

349
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,310
Tonight is a good night to die.

350
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:46,140
Oh, I don't want you to die,
Master.

351
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,780
Not me to die;

352
00:15:48,810 --> 00:15:50,950
- the other guy to die.
- Oh.

353
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:52,410
Maybe don't say it like that.

354
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,280
Okay.

355
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,920
Tonight is a good night
for the other guy,

356
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:00,790
not me, to die.

357
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:02,260
They're here.

358
00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:03,636
Sorry we're late.
Sorry we're late.

359
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:04,860
Bridge was a nightmare.

360
00:16:04,890 --> 00:16:07,130
Hello, mongrels.

361
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,130
You haunted house bitch!

362
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,830
We meet on the roof of this
abandoned Circuit City

363
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,640
in accordance with the protocols

364
00:16:13,670 --> 00:16:15,700
of the Staten Island
Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement

365
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:17,470
of 1993.

366
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,210
And so it begins.
Have you chosen your champion?

367
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,540
Oh, yeah.

368
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,480
We chose Toby.

369
00:16:23,510 --> 00:16:27,380
- Oh, that is a very big one.
- I don't remember this one.

370
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:30,050
Is he a new one?
Oh, he's a new gigantic werewolf.

371
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,820
This isn't even full-size.

372
00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:33,490
This is just, like, regular Toby.
Ah...

373
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,060
He-he gets like this big.

374
00:16:35,090 --> 00:16:37,130
Yeah, well,
we've got our own champion.

375
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,960
He goes by the name of
Nandor the Relentless.

376
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,330
- Hi.
- And he's going to mess you up,

377
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,730
Toby.

378
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:47,740
Don't antagonize him, Nadja.

379
00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:49,970
You desecrated my vulva garden.

380
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,310
Namely, my mother's vulva.

381
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:54,640
You turned it brown and wizened.

382
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,010
You made it look like his
sister's vulva. Exactly.

383
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,150
What type of man
would endure such an insult

384
00:16:59,180 --> 00:17:01,220
from a pack
of filthy werewolf scum?

385
00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:04,190
This is what I'm talking about.

386
00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:06,650
- Let's throw down already.
- I'll throw you down.

387
00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:08,920
Sure thing, Downton Abbey,
I'll knock you out.

388
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,490
Okay, let's just
take things down a notch

389
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,160
and then fight to the death.

390
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,660
Ah, I don't know.

391
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,700
Is this turkey cut
freshly from the breast?

392
00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:20,000
Or is it a preprocessed roll?

393
00:17:20,030 --> 00:17:22,270
All of our meats
are actually freshly sliced.

394
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:23,770
Hmm.

395
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,370
I prefer the roll.

396
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,180
Please don't start.

397
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:30,040
I don't want to get into another
argument in public right now.

398
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,050
We got married
out of convenience.

399
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,580
I have Munchausen's by proxy.

400
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,750
I tell people he's sick
so I feel better.

401
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:38,190
But then I do get sick.

402
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:39,690
And when I do get sick,

403
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,290
people don't believe
that I'm sick.

404
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,060
Because they know she does

405
00:17:43,090 --> 00:17:45,430
Munchausen by proxy
all the time.

406
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,560
Do you guys want
to eat your food?

407
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,470
We're feeding right now.

408
00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:58,740
Vampires... and werewolves.

409
00:17:58,770 --> 00:18:01,280
This is a fight that has been
fought with honor

410
00:18:01,310 --> 00:18:03,880
for a thousand...
I say a thousand years.

411
00:18:03,910 --> 00:18:06,110
And tonight...

412
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:09,620
I'm not gonna do this if your
man's pissing against the wall.

413
00:18:09,650 --> 00:18:11,990
- Fuck off, you racist.
- Okay, no.

414
00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:13,820
No more bullshit. We fight.

415
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:17,460
- I agree with the werewolf slut.
- Thank you.

416
00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:19,390
- Do it, Toby. Do it.
- It's all you, man.

417
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:21,500
I'd say surrender,

418
00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:24,670
but it's my mother's vulva
we're talking about.

419
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,270
- He's quite big.
- Come on, Toby, yeah!

420
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:27,840
Come on, Nandor, you can do it.

421
00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:29,840
We need a new rug for the house.

422
00:18:29,870 --> 00:18:32,110
- Yeah.
- I thought you

423
00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,580
messy beasts didn't do this
until there was a full moon.

424
00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:36,610
This guy,
he just pictures the moon.

425
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,510
He's got a great imagination.

426
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:40,250
Yeah, Toby!

427
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,850
All right, don't worry,
I got it.

428
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,000
- It's not a naked fight, is it?
- Don't think so, no.

429
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:47,860
Uh...

430
00:18:47,890 --> 00:18:49,990
You know, we could just...

431
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,760
What about Gizmo?

432
00:18:51,790 --> 00:18:54,030
- Shh!
- Who?

433
00:18:54,060 --> 00:18:56,100
Champions, choose your weapons.

434
00:18:56,130 --> 00:18:57,530
No silver.

435
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:01,300
I will let my esteemed
challenger choose first.

436
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,810
He chooses teeth and claws.

437
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,180
Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo
right off your head, man.

438
00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:09,440
- Uh, hey.
- Yeah.

439
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,010
Okay. I will choose...

440
00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,320
Nunchucks, scimitar...

441
00:19:15,350 --> 00:19:17,290
This.
What is it?

442
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,150
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

443
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:20,760
Nandor.

444
00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:24,490
- Hey!
- What? No! Toby, no!

445
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:26,290
Toby!

446
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:29,060
- Oh, oh, God. Toby.
- What the hell? That's cheating.

447
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,370
Well played.

448
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,700
- Oh... oh, no.
- Toby, man.

449
00:19:32,730 --> 00:19:34,400
- Oh, God.
- Don't worry, Toby.

450
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,570
- Did I win?
- You're gonna heal up just fine, pal.

451
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,010
I think I won. Whatever.
I guess this one goes

452
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,256
- to the vampires, then.
- Okay.

453
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,340
Can you leave us
to lick our wounds?

454
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:46,010
Okay. Tob...
Toby, don't lick your wounds.

455
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,380
- Bye.
- See you back at home.

456
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,920
No, please don't...

457
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:51,566
It looks... honestly,
it looks better than it did

458
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,196
- five minutes ago already.
- Come on, Toby.

459
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:55,096
You'll get through this,
and then we'll take that trip

460
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,396
to Saskatoon we've been
talking about. Hey!

461
00:19:56,420 --> 00:19:58,430
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, man.

462
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:01,430
You think
we could keep the bone?

463
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:03,770
- Yeah. Yeah. That-that's okay.
- Yeah?

464
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,676
Okay, cool. Cool, guys.
All right, guys, spread out.

465
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:07,400
Let's find that son of a bitch.

466
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,040
Mind where you're walking.

467
00:20:09,070 --> 00:20:12,340
If you hear a squeak,
you may have stepped on the toy.

468
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,680
I'll stay with Toby.
He's gonna be fine.

469
00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:17,710
He's healing already.

470
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,380
♪

471
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,750
Dating Evie is never dull.

472
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,790
She certainly knows

473
00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:27,790
how to get people's attention.

474
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:30,020
Evie.

475
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:34,900
Whether it be fainting
or car troubles.

476
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,930
A lot of things happen

477
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,600
to her and her cat.

478
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:40,870
♪ Someone... ♪

479
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,940
As many of you know,

480
00:20:42,970 --> 00:20:44,940
I've been paying out of pocket

481
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:47,280
for my cat's glaucoma treatment,

482
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:51,910
and the expenses have
entirely wiped my savings.

483
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,580
Since I've met her, she's had

484
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,250
at least six pairs
of grandparents die.

485
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,650
Looks like I'm gonna be
sleeping in my cubicle

486
00:20:59,690 --> 00:21:02,760
- until further notice.
- No...

487
00:21:02,790 --> 00:21:05,560
I asked my boyfriend, Colin,
if I could stay with him.

488
00:21:05,590 --> 00:21:07,160
What did he say?

489
00:21:07,190 --> 00:21:09,260
He said he's not
ready f-for that.

490
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,100
Oh, my God.

491
00:21:11,130 --> 00:21:14,070
I haven't used that credit card
in six months.

492
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,500
I'll call you back.

493
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:17,070
Oh.

494
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,110
- Hi, Evie.
- Hi.

495
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,310
Um, listen,

496
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:28,350
these last few weeks
have been wonderful.

497
00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:30,820
I, uh... I didn't know

498
00:21:30,850 --> 00:21:34,490
I could feel such depth
of emotion.

499
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,660
Or utter, utter suffering.

500
00:21:37,690 --> 00:21:41,000
But I don't think
this is healthy.

501
00:21:41,030 --> 00:21:44,200
- Oh, Colin.
- I-I'm sorry.

502
00:21:44,230 --> 00:21:47,030
I wish you nothing
but continued success

503
00:21:47,070 --> 00:21:50,440
feeding on
the addle-brained cattle

504
00:21:50,470 --> 00:21:52,870
that waste
their lives around us,

505
00:21:52,910 --> 00:21:57,210
but I can't be around us
any-anymore.

506
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,210
If you leave me, I'll...

507
00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:01,120
I'll kill myself.

508
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:04,150
I'll do it. I don't have
anything to live for

509
00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:05,690
if I don't have you.

510
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,460
That's not true. You do, Evie.

511
00:22:08,490 --> 00:22:13,230
You have so much more life
to take out of these morons.

512
00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:15,260
Come here,
we'll figure this out.

513
00:22:19,330 --> 00:22:21,700
Y-You couldn't help yourself,
could you?

514
00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:24,170
I just wanted one last taste.

515
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,010
Good-bye, Evie Russell.

516
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,240
Good-bye, Colin Robinson.

517
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,250
♪

518
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,880
Colin, don't leave me.

519
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,150
I'm just kidding, you can...

520
00:22:37,180 --> 00:22:39,420
Colin.

521
00:22:39,450 --> 00:22:41,760
You can go.

522
00:22:41,790 --> 00:22:44,160
Please.

523
00:22:44,190 --> 00:22:46,190
But...

524
00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:51,870
Hi. I'm sorry, my boyfriend
just broke up with me.

525
00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:55,600
Yes, I'm calling
about my dry cleaning.

526
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,170
There we are, Mother.

527
00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,840
You're looking beautiful again.

528
00:22:59,870 --> 00:23:02,410
Or, as Beethoven used to say,

529
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,280
"Die Busche werden
sich nicht schneiden."

530
00:23:05,310 --> 00:23:08,520
These bushes
won't trim themselves.

531
00:23:08,550 --> 00:23:13,020
But there again, he was
always saying shit like that.

532
00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:16,060
♪ Please turn to me ♪

533
00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:19,060
♪ More and more ♪

534
00:23:19,090 --> 00:23:23,530
♪ You are the one ♪

535
00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:26,030
♪ That I adore ♪

536
00:23:26,070 --> 00:23:30,040
♪ Little sad eyes ♪

537
00:23:30,070 --> 00:23:35,010
♪ Don't be lonely anymore ♪

538
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,050
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

539
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:45,050
♪ Little sad eyes ♪

540
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:47,990
♪ Don't be lonely anymore. ♪

541
00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:51,660
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH