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Our home has been
selected to host

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the bi-annual vampire orgy.

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One time they tried
going triannual.

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Which is bloody pointless,
'cause it takes me

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at least six months
to recover from any orgy.

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Yes, it does.

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We're gonna have some fun.

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Vampire sex is like pizza,

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in that even when
it's bad it's good.

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It's designed to be enjoyed
by eight or more people.

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There's a choice of toppings.

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And in the morning, you're like,

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"Aah! Why do I have
puncture wounds

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on my penis?"

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Vampire sex is a carnival
of desires.

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With pale bodies
as far as the eye can see.

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Fornicating, diddling,
widdling, snarling.

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An amazing experience
that can last years.

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It's fine.

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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

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♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

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♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

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♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

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♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

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♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

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♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

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♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

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♪

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- So we need the blood fountain.
- Okay, blood fountain.

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And some real, pure opium.
About ten kilos.

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Where would I find that?

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We need some
sexy paintings for the walls.

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I was thinking
we replace this picture of us

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with that lovely one
where we were naked

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- and we have cherries in our bums.
- Yeah.

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Can we get some sort
of protective spray

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to put all over the carpet?

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Because Laszlo will spray
all over the carpet.

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What you don't understand is

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the stigma attached
to throwing a poor orgy.

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I mean, I've known people
who have committed suicide

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after a poor orgy.

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I wouldn't go that far.

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I would kill you, though.

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And then I'd kill myself.

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There's no recovery
from that humiliation.

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I don't like to even speak
of it, but the notorious orgy

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- of 1937, well...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

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Don't even say the year.

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It was a lot of just
very terrible chitchat.

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I cannot even speak the name
of the vampire

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that organized that monstrosity.

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I don't give a fuck.
His name was Mike.

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Fucking Mike.

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Oh, and we need an ancient
Burmese lingam and yoni set.

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To be safe, get six.

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Nadja, Laszlo, please.

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Guillermo is my familiar,

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only I can order him about.

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Thank you, master.

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Is there anything you need?

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All the things they just said.

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And absorbent towels.
Lots of them.

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I almost forgot.

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Most important,
we must, must, must

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get a succulent virgin feast.

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Well, about that...
I've been meaning to tell you,

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I seem to have,
uh, overfished that...

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- Did you write down the towels?
- Yes.

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You need to re-cover
that chaise longue.

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'Cause I'll ejaculate
straight through that.

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My only concern
about the orgy is, uh,

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that people won't enjoy my room.

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I've n-I've never
had anyone in here.

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I have a strobe light up.

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And a couple speakers
playing, uh,

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some acid jazz.

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What else?
I have my, uh,

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my trusty filing cabinet.

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I always wanted one of these

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when I was a child
but never got one.

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It was one of my first
purchases.

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I also stocked up
on some Neosporin.

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I have some paintings,
some pictures.

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I got this one
because it shows human food,

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and if I ever
have a human in here,

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they'll feel at home.

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Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.

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I-I'm-I'm really
getting into it.

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Obviously, the orgy standard

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of having a mirrored ceiling

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doesn't really work
for vampires,

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so we have developed
our own way.

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I don't... I... I don't know
what you want me to say.

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Just describe what you see.

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Um...

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Well, it's a beautiful scene.
Someone is seductively riding,

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uh, a candlestick up and down.

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Someone's on the couch
sucking and getting sucked.

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- Louder!
- Sucking and... Oh, geez...

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No. I will not

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be participating
in the orgy, no.

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Besides, I-I don't, uh,
I don't kiss and tell.

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But I can tell
you, is that, uh...

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I don't kiss.

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We need specifics.

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What am I doing
to my ass cheeks?

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You are, uh,
you're licking it...

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Can you just describe
what you see? It's not hard.

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- Good boy, that's right.
- Must be my birthday.

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- I can't. I'm sorry.
- I was raised very Catholic.

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- I need... I need a second.
- Okay.

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- En garde, there.
- It's just a lot of demanding things.

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I mean, I'm not even,
technically, their familiar.

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They've just been asking me
to do all kinds of stuff.

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It's a pleasure swing,
you fucknut, not a sex net.

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That's the sex net.
Get that out of the box

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- and attach it to the ceiling.
- "Gizmo,

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get the dildos."

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"Gizmo, try out the dildos."

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"Mmm. How were the dildos?"

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They're fine.

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No one is a fucknut, okay?

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He's trying to finish it,
Laszlo.

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And what about the virgins?
Have you got any yet? No.

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- Of course you haven't.
- Um, but I'm just trying...

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"But, but, but." You're like
a nonstop but machine.

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That reminds me,
have you ordered

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- the nonstop butt machine?
- You know what?!

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I'm gonna take five minutes

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before I say something
I'm gonna regret.

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- Oh!
- Easy there.

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Eh... Slam the door.

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You gonna let him
get away with that?

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He's gone,
he's gotten away with it.

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And it is unacceptable.

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I will talk to him.

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- Knock, knock.
- Oh. Good evening, master.

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- Is there something you need?
- No, no.

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Just coming in for a chat.

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I noticed that Nadja and Laszlo

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have been quite pushy with you
with all the orgy planning.

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- Oh, it's okay, it's not a big deal, master.
- No, it is a big deal.

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And they locked you
in this closet?

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This is my room.

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I pay $1,200 a month.

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Oh.

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If I find I am in a situation

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where an idiot
is complaining to me,

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you can either kill them

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or you can pretend
to listening to them.

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So what you're saying is that

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your feelings have been hurt.

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Well, kinda.

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Talk about that.

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Oh, okay. Um... Well,

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- I just feel that sometimes...
- Yes, yes.

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I feel that I have...
People aren't listening to me

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- when I speak.
- Yes, yes, tell me more.

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And they just tell me "yes,"
and they don't really listen

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- to what I'm saying.
- Yes. Really speak from the heart.

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When I speak from the heart,
I feel like no one's really...

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And now that bit is done.

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Orgy stuff. A few of my
favorite things, as they say.

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The cat o' nine tails.

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Oliver Cromwell's head.

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My codpiece.
Bat codpiece.

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200-year-old peekaboo cape,

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the idea being
you walk into the orgy,

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you announce yourself...
and then do that.

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Oh!

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Oh, yes!

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You wait till my good lady wife
sees this.

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In the late 1800s,

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a new and exciting medium
was invented,

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and that medium
was called "cinema."

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And then, about a week later,

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that developed into pornos.

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Now, the first porno film
I ever made

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was called The Adventures
of a Very Randy Vampire.

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And I played the leading role

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of the very randy vampire.

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I was cast because they thought

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that I looked like a vampire,

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never once realizing

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that I was a fucking vampire.

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I took part in thousands

189
00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:42,120
of pornos over the years.

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If you see them now,

191
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they are still
very, very erotic.

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My darling,
I have found something

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that will have our orgy
talked about for centuries.

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Just put it on the pile, Laszlo.

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All right there, Constantin?

196
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:05,350
Ooh.

197
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,050
- Oops.
- What is that?

198
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,720
I really have no idea.

199
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,850
Perhaps we should watch it.

200
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:15,796
You don't like
the Christmas section?

201
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:18,630
- Don't say that word.
- Sorry.

202
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:20,460
We are still looking
for virgins, yes,

203
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,870
but my master thought it'd be
best to get decorations first,

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00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:26,330
which makes sense,
because, uh...

205
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,240
Well, it just...
It makes sense.

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00:08:31,270 --> 00:08:32,840
So, for this chocolate fountain,

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00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,810
you can put other stuff,
I'm assuming...

208
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,650
- I mean...
- that's thicker than chocolate?

209
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,710
What's thicker than chocolate?

210
00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,520
Did you ask
about the jade buttock eggs?

211
00:08:40,550 --> 00:08:41,680
No, I did not.

212
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,420
- Butter cakes?
- Buttock eggs

213
00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:46,090
made from jade
that you put inside your butt.

214
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,520
I don't think they have them.

215
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,190
I'd have to check on that,
for sure.

216
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:50,836
- They don't have to be made of jade.
- I haven't seen it.

217
00:08:50,860 --> 00:08:52,930
They can be made of anything.

218
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,200
But not silver,

219
00:08:54,230 --> 00:08:56,730
because, you know,
otherwise, ouch.

220
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,700
- He's joking.
- There's a silver egg in my butt.

221
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,100
Did you carry them?

222
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,540
We do mostly, like,
loot bags for kids.

223
00:09:03,570 --> 00:09:05,250
I don't think-I don't think
they have them.

224
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,680
I'm very happy that my master's
gonna help me find a virgin,

225
00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:12,510
'cause it is slim pickings

226
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:15,050
out here in these streets.

227
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,720
The Christian college chastity
club seemed promising until

228
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,390
I found out
that most of them had a...

229
00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:24,290
different definition of "virgin"
than the common one.

230
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:27,730
Believe it or not, CrossFit
gyms are full of virgins.

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00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,730
No one's touched them,
and the reason being

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00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:33,370
is because they won't shut up
about CrossFit.

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00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,400
If you saw a man
dressed in this mask,

234
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,610
would you think
it was a mood killer

235
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,740
or would you come?

236
00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:43,450
I'm not sure.

237
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,950
Wait, wait, wait.

238
00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:48,720
Look at that man, Guillermo.

239
00:09:50,450 --> 00:09:53,220
He looks delicious.

240
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,160
He has to be a virgin.

241
00:09:55,190 --> 00:09:56,496
I don't think he's a virgin.
We should just probably

242
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:57,766
- keep shopping...
- He is a virgin.

243
00:09:57,790 --> 00:09:59,090
Guillermo!

244
00:09:59,130 --> 00:10:01,300
Hey! Jeremy!

245
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,770
- Is that... I thought it was you.
- It was me, yeah.

246
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,730
- Yeah.
- Where have you been lately?

247
00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:08,140
We've been having some
hella crazy Fortnite sessions.

248
00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:10,440
Hasn't been as fun
without old GuillermoGoth2000.

249
00:10:10,470 --> 00:10:12,680
- Oh, shit. No, my...
- Did you-did you change

250
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:14,840
- your gamertag? You can tell me.
- No, no.

251
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,686
- Work stuff. It's... My boss just keeps,
- I'm so sorry.

252
00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:18,510
- You know, riding me.
- Uh-huh.

253
00:10:18,550 --> 00:10:20,156
- You know, it was good talking to you though.
- Yeah.

254
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:21,256
So, take care.
I'll see you, okay?

255
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,426
You having a party or something?

256
00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:23,420
No.

257
00:10:23,450 --> 00:10:24,420
Yes.

258
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:26,250
Yes, we are having a party,

259
00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:29,760
and we'd very much love
to extend an invitation.

260
00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:32,330
No, I don't think
Jeremy and his girlfriend

261
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,000
would, uh, want to come
to a lame party.

262
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:36,036
- It's just...
- I don't...

263
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,100
I don't have a girlfriend.

264
00:10:37,130 --> 00:10:38,270
Yeah, you do.

265
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,270
Oh, you're...

266
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,100
- Yeah.
- No, that was a catfish.

267
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,770
Jeremy is definitely a virgin.
I mean, big-time.

268
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,940
But, um... he's also my friend.

269
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,556
- Yeah.
- There was a girl though, right?

270
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,980
- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

271
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:51,226
Oh, I just started seeing
this woman.

272
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,210
- There you go.
- Yeah.

273
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:53,620
Yeah, I thought so.

274
00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:55,120
- So...
- It's for my nosebleeds.

275
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,320
- Geez, Jeremy. God.
- It's not going well.

276
00:10:57,350 --> 00:10:59,820
But, you know, once I
finally have that under control,

277
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,060
- maybe I'll finally meet someone.
- Ah.

278
00:11:02,090 --> 00:11:04,190
Oh, boy.

279
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,660
Oh, boy.

280
00:11:05,690 --> 00:11:08,530
Okay. Oops.

281
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,200
- Yeah, that's a nosebleed.
- Yeah.

282
00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:11,800
Just gonna go find
some more tissues,

283
00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:14,000
'cause this one's gonna be full
any second.

284
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,516
- Just go. Just get out of here.
- Yeah, okay.

285
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:16,670
Nice to meet you. Hey.

286
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,870
- Just go, Jeremy. Just go.
- Yeah, okay.

287
00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:23,910
You know, I like to keep

288
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,010
my personal life
and my work life separate.

289
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,420
I don't want them to cross over.

290
00:11:27,450 --> 00:11:28,920
Makes it easier
when you find someone

291
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,720
that you're gonna sacri...

292
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:33,720
Yeah.

293
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,220
Mmm.

294
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:39,230
That is some of the most
virginal blood I've ever tasted.

295
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:44,870
We must have him.

296
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,770
It's gonna be a tough one.

297
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,370
There's a man
who enjoys his work.

298
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,340
This was banned for 60 years.

299
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,110
♪

300
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:57,350
Zounds! I'm indecent!

301
00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:59,410
Time to 23 skidoo.

302
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:02,680
Or should I say "69 skidoo"?

303
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,250
Let's see State
College win their big game

304
00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:07,460
without their star quarterback.

305
00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:11,390
How can I ever
make it up to you?

306
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:13,030
Oh, yeah.

307
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:14,600
Be-Bop-A-Lube-a, yeah.

308
00:12:14,630 --> 00:12:17,030
I'm about to launch a Sputnik.

309
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,800
There is nothing
more devastating

310
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,540
than finding out
your husband has made porn

311
00:12:21,570 --> 00:12:23,440
and it's so bloody boring.

312
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,880
So, how old are you?

313
00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:29,080
267.

314
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,080
I joke.

315
00:12:30,110 --> 00:12:31,750
I'm 18.

316
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:34,650
Have you ever been
with a man before?

317
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,990
And how would you like me
to answer that, Philip?

318
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:39,120
No.

319
00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,390
You'll never guess
where this is going.

320
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,460
Then the answer's no.

321
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,500
The only thing those videos
were good for

322
00:12:47,530 --> 00:12:49,930
was for putting crying babies
to sleep.

323
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,730
And now the 1990s.

324
00:12:52,770 --> 00:12:55,440
Could it be any sexier?

325
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:58,270
Where have you been?
I paged you over an hour ago.

326
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:01,440
Who are these people
who are always paging?

327
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,150
And what's the deal with pagers?

328
00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:04,310
Shut up and get over here.

329
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,110
Mm. Yep.

330
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:08,920
This is exactly what I want
to be doing right now.

331
00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:12,250
Laszlo, darling,
I just think your work,

332
00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:14,290
as stimulating as it is,

333
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,330
it is not quite right
for our orgy.

334
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,530
It-It's like erotica
for churchgoers.

335
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,630
Even Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room?

336
00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:23,876
That one didn't even make
any sense.

337
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,030
I mean, how could we see
what you were doing

338
00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:27,470
but you couldn't?

339
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,376
No, no, no, no. You've
misunderstood it, my darling.

340
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,370
What happens in that is
I'm sat there,

341
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,640
surrounded, I think, by women.

342
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,380
The steam subsides,

343
00:13:35,410 --> 00:13:38,980
and I realize I'm
actually surrounded by chaps.

344
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:40,650
But I enjoy it.

345
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,050
Well, I got that bit.

346
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,390
I just think... it's boring.

347
00:13:45,420 --> 00:13:47,160
Boring?

348
00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:50,990
You think it's all boring?

349
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,530
I shall be in our bedchamber.

350
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,360
Oh, Laszlo.

351
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,530
No, no.

352
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,370
She said
that my pornos were boring,

353
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,200
which is
an unbelievable reaction.

354
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,800
I showed her a century's worth

355
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,040
of my pornos.

356
00:14:04,070 --> 00:14:06,140
That's a lot of porn.

357
00:14:06,170 --> 00:14:07,880
I don't think
she followed the plots.

358
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:11,810
Hey, Jeremy.
Sorry I'm calling you so late.

359
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,050
Jeremy and I go way back.

360
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,020
We've been friends,
um, since high school.

361
00:14:16,050 --> 00:14:17,150
What are you doing tonight?

362
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,590
We were really just attached

363
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,360
at the hip. Not by choice,

364
00:14:20,390 --> 00:14:24,560
but because they would
literally, um, use hot glue.

365
00:14:24,590 --> 00:14:27,430
I invited Jeremy to the party.

366
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,900
No, just yourself.

367
00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:33,600
Oh, I think they got
all the drinks covered.

368
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,000
Yeah, I feel bad.

369
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,516
You know what,
I'm doing whatever it takes

370
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:38,540
to become a vampire.

371
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,540
Oh. Sorry.

372
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,580
Somebody told me
this was a closet.

373
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:51,290
It's going to be
an amazing orgy.

374
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,590
Over here, we have a sculpture
which depicts

375
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:56,060
the moment
that my parents conceived me.

376
00:14:56,090 --> 00:14:59,030
In here, we have
the fluffers' chill-out area.

377
00:14:59,060 --> 00:15:02,360
Here we have the traditional
animal fur laden with rings.

378
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,800
Not for your fingers.

379
00:15:03,830 --> 00:15:05,270
Electric chair role-play.

380
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,140
"What are your last words?"

381
00:15:07,170 --> 00:15:08,940
"I want to have sex."

382
00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:12,210
- Laszlo, what is going on?
- I'm not coming.

383
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,640
What are you doing?
What is this?

384
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,940
Are you role-playing
as a depressed man?

385
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:17,650
It's not not working.

386
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,910
I'm not coming to the orgy.

387
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:20,450
- I'm not in the mood.
- What?

388
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,650
Is this because I said
your porno was terrible?

389
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:23,920
The pornos were superb.

390
00:15:23,950 --> 00:15:26,920
Have you any idea how difficult
it is to make a porno?

391
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,390
Laszlo, do you want our orgy
to fall apart

392
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:32,630
and for our good vampire names
to go down in history

393
00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:35,460
with he whose name
that we never say the name of?

394
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,070
- You mean Mike?
- Yes, fucking Mike!

395
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,646
To be honest with you,
I couldn't care less.

396
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:41,570
- Good night.
- Laszlo, don't you dare go back in there.

397
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,080
No, I'm not coming.
Let go of the lid.

398
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,740
Yes, I suppose
I am a little bit stressed.

399
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:51,910
To throw a bad vampire orgy,

400
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,780
I don't know
how one would recover.

401
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,350
Half the bats you see,
they are just vampires

402
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,090
that have thrown
terrible orgies,

403
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,190
and they are too ashamed

404
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,090
to regain their vampire form.

405
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,260
They just flit around.
Shame bats.

406
00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:05,430
Bats full of shame.

407
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:06,490
And you know them,

408
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,660
'cause they don't fly as high.

409
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:15,440
- Jiang Shi!
- Nadja!

410
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,110
Chinese jumping vampire.

411
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,056
- Brought my cousin.
- Is he a Babadook?

412
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,310
No, actually, I'm a Badabook.

413
00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:27,450
You know, like, uh,
bada-bing, Badabook.

414
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,980
Hey-oh! Ah!

415
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:35,220
And I don't believe
for one minute

416
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:38,190
that the raccoon actually solved
the Rubik's Cube

417
00:16:38,230 --> 00:16:42,130
that it was given in the video
because there are clearly cuts

418
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,570
in the video,
but it was darling.

419
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:45,670
- Such a doll.
- Really?

420
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:46,800
Yeah.

421
00:16:46,830 --> 00:16:47,876
- No, not when I...
- Sorry.

422
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,740
Um, and, uh, who are you?

423
00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:51,970
Oh. Uh, hi. I'm Jeremy.

424
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,210
I brought mochi ice cream.

425
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,680
Is there a place
that I can put my backpack?

426
00:16:57,710 --> 00:17:00,750
Everyone, the virgin is here!

427
00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:06,050
Jeremy's here. He just got here,

428
00:17:06,090 --> 00:17:08,060
and, uh, all the vampires' eyes
just lit up

429
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:09,220
when he came in.

430
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:12,890
I think I did a good job
as a familiar.

431
00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:15,400
Yeah.

432
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:17,900
Maybe not so much as a friend.

433
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:19,170
Guillermo, hey.

434
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,570
This is a great party.

435
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,170
Everyone's really friendly. Hi.

436
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,570
- Yeah, what did you bring?
- I brought mochi.

437
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,240
I thought maybe people
would eat that.

438
00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:28,440
Yeah. Yeah.

439
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,710
They're gonna tear him apart.

440
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:39,920
I'm here!

441
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,730
The life of the orgy
has arrived.

442
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,300
Bit stiff.

443
00:17:47,330 --> 00:17:49,060
I've done a bad thing.

444
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,776
I just brought my friend
to a house full of vampires.

445
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,070
I brought my virgin friend
into a house full of vampires.

446
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,140
Is it hot in here?

447
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:56,370
Hey.

448
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,470
Mr. '50s, you made it.

449
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:00,710
Yeesh.

450
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:02,156
Well, you could argue,
though, that all you need

451
00:18:02,180 --> 00:18:03,610
is a cell phone.

452
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:05,910
Listen. Listen, stop talking.

453
00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:09,080
- Oh, no.
- Listen, my name is Laszlo,

454
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,320
and I was not going to come
to this orgy this evening

455
00:18:12,350 --> 00:18:14,790
- because my heart was in pain.
- Who cares?

456
00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:17,460
Yes! Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room!

457
00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:18,730
Yes, it is me.

458
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:23,230
Anyway,
I put my heavy heart to one side

459
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,930
for the love
of my good lady wife Nadja.

460
00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:29,070
- Ugh.
- Recently,

461
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:31,670
I was watching all
of my porno films,

462
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:35,240
which are sexy and a turn-on.

463
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,450
But they lack one thing
and one important thing.

464
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,080
And that one thing is love.

465
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:41,520
The love I share

466
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:44,150
for my good lady wife Nadja.

467
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,460
What say we conduct
our own orgy upstairs?

468
00:18:47,490 --> 00:18:50,330
- A two-person orgy.
- What?

469
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,500
Here's to love and making love!

470
00:18:53,530 --> 00:18:54,630
What a boner killer.

471
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:56,500
And I thought
Mike threw a bad orgy.

472
00:18:56,530 --> 00:18:58,430
- I think I'm going to take off.
- N-No, no.

473
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,200
Wait, wait. No, wait, everyone.
No, no, wait!

474
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,340
'Cause we haven't had
the best part yet.

475
00:19:03,370 --> 00:19:04,470
I did a terrible thing.

476
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,440
I just killed my friend.
Oh, God.

477
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:07,710
I brought my v-virgin friend

478
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:09,440
into a house full of vampires.

479
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,856
Oh, God,
they're gonna rip him apart.

480
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,220
Guess what.
There is the most gorgeous...

481
00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:16,150
I got to help him.

482
00:19:16,180 --> 00:19:19,020
Nosebleedy, asthma-suffering,

483
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:21,190
- uh, doesn't clean his sheets...
- Jeremy!

484
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:24,560
Mouth-breathing virgin!

485
00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:28,130
Jeremy, you have to leave.

486
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,500
- They're all vamp...
- Guillermo.

487
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:31,900
This party's awesome!

488
00:19:31,930 --> 00:19:36,100
I, uh, I... Is this the way out?

489
00:19:41,110 --> 00:19:43,310
Well...

490
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:47,150
looks like, uh,
Jeremy's not a virgin anymore.

491
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,350
So, sorry about that, gang.

492
00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:54,220
This orgy didn't count.

493
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:57,330
Don't tell your friends
it was a bad orgy.

494
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:01,360
So, uh... just us three, then?

495
00:20:10,870 --> 00:20:12,870
Okay, these are both good.

496
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,550
I'm just going to check up
on Laszlo.

497
00:20:19,580 --> 00:20:21,180
Poor guy.

498
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,850
I don't think Nadja will let him
forget about this one.

499
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,890
Laszlo.

500
00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:42,400
("Super Good" by Leningrad
playing)

501
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:23,980
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH