1 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:05,106 I like being a familiar. 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,441 It's a very satisfying job. 3 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,711 Well, actually, calling it a job would imply that it pays. 4 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:13,747 So it's more of a vocation. 5 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,516 Less glamorous than I imagined. 6 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,854 I thought by now I'd be like Armand, 7 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,023 but sometimes I feel like 8 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,992 I'm halfway turning into a Renfield. 9 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,798 I think the worst part for me is the loneliness. 10 00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,834 I'm awake when my master's asleep, and... 11 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,669 the house gets quiet 12 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,671 and it's lonely, but I'm also awake 13 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,906 when he's awake. 14 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,675 I'm always awake. 15 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,820 You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like 16 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,846 if I was still at Panera Bread. 17 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,848 I'd probably be manager. 18 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,518 I'd get to boss other people around for a change, 19 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,720 sleeping, health insurance, 20 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,954 friends... 21 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,590 getting paid, 22 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:59,827 all the Panera Bread you can eat. 23 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,529 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: 24 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,598 The heart wants what the heart wants. 25 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,788 - Good evening, Guillermo. - Good evening, Master. 26 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,147 I have an envelope for you. 27 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,749 Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you. 28 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,519 Uh, just... pop it in there. 29 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,388 That's... that's... 30 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,256 Is it in yet? 31 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,628 I can't read it. It's too dark in here. 32 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,997 Is it another summons for jury duty? 33 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,932 Just tell them I'm dead. 34 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,434 Oh, no. It's something very cool. 35 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,968 I had your DNA tested. 36 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,069 A lab tested it. 37 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,609 How did they get the DNA? 38 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,077 Did they steal my semen? 39 00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,880 - What? No. - I won't have my semen stolen again. 40 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,316 No, I don't, I don't... 41 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,926 No, I don't even know what that story is. 42 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,719 No, this is all very scientific. 43 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,054 Huh. Okay. 44 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,389 Well, the story is 45 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:39,126 some witches decided to steal my semen 46 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,162 and put it into a semen spell. 47 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,499 But it didn't even work, and then they got semen everywhere. 48 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:49,870 But this seems much more aboveboard, so... 49 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,739 This just uses science to find out 50 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,507 where your ancestors came from. 51 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,377 It could also be used to see if you have any living relatives. 52 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,679 Living relatives? 53 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,849 Here's yours. 54 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,184 You have... 55 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,186 Oh, wow. 56 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,188 - What? - You have... 57 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:12,826 200,000 direct living descendants. 58 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,161 That's a lot. 59 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,863 I'm a grandad? 60 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,898 Well, technically, you're a... 61 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,668 great-grandad times 30. 62 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,504 Becoming a vampire came 63 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,673 at a strange time in my life. 64 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,741 I was married at the time 65 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,843 to 37 women. 66 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,845 My 37 wives weren't very happy 67 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,714 about the changes I was going through. 68 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:37,685 I was becoming very moody, sleeping all day now. 69 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,554 Nighttime was mainly drinking people's blood. 70 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,623 Put a strain on all of us. 71 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,191 Then they left, 72 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,459 all 37 of them. 73 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,261 It was a sad night for me, 74 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,063 because I really loved 35 of them. 75 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,665 In those days, 76 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:54,067 fathers didn't really look after their children. 77 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,803 It was down to the women. 78 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:58,672 And in some cases, a couple of friendly wolves. 79 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,509 I did try to visit my children, but... 80 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:05,145 they were just afraid, you know, 'cause... 81 00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:08,849 I'm a vampire floating outside the window. 82 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,384 Hey, kiddies. 83 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,554 Hey, you've got my nose. 84 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:17,725 That's the last time I saw them. 85 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:21,228 Probably dead now, I suppose. 86 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,331 And another cool thing is, you can find out 87 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,033 if any of them live near you. 88 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,436 You have one of them 89 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,103 living right here in Staten Island. 90 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,705 Madeline. 91 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,508 Exciting. 92 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:37,177 - Why are we going to the library? - This better be good, Nandor. 93 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,055 - How long is this gonna take? - I was cleaning my skull. 94 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,048 Not long, not long. Thank you. 95 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,851 Everyone, I have some very exciting news. 96 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:47,955 Guillermo has had my DNA tested. 97 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,899 You need to be careful that's not evil witches trying 98 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,426 - to pinch your semen. - Yes. Witches are semen stealers. 99 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,462 There's no semen-stealing. 100 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,196 It's very official. 101 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,965 It came in an envelope. 102 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,543 I actually had everyone's DNA tested. 103 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,301 How did you get our DNA 104 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:04,605 - without us knowing? - You literally leave it laying everywhere, 105 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,607 so it wasn't that hard. So, here's yours, Nadja. 106 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,377 No, thank you, please. Put that on the pile there for burning. 107 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,488 - You sure you don't want to open it? - Don't test me! 108 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,246 Okay, forget that. 109 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,082 - So, Laszlo... - Don't you dare. 110 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,460 - You don't want to...? - Bugger off. 111 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,452 That's not very nice. 112 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,853 Okay. Colin Robinson. 113 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,590 - Ding, ding, ding. - There you go. 114 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:23,891 Could I get a drumroll first? 115 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:24,992 - No. - No. -Nope. 116 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,794 Fine. I'll do my own. 117 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,898 Frankly, I would be flattered 118 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,234 if witches collected my semen. 119 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,271 It says here that 120 00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:41,475 I am 100% white. 121 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:44,177 People are from all different places. 122 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,813 It just can't say "white" on your paper. 123 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,314 Oh, wow. "100% white." 124 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,917 No other nuance. 125 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,852 Tell them my other news, Guillermo. 126 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,822 Okay. He has over two hundred... 127 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:58,626 200,000 direct descendants living today! 128 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,661 Fucking hell. Well done, chap. 129 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,262 Thank you, Laszlo. 130 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:05,232 Congratulations, Nandor. That is some very exciting seed. 131 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:08,011 - Yes. - But I'm telling you, don't let the witches find out about it. 132 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,336 They'll be coming for you. 133 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,472 - No... - That is top-quality seed. 134 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,207 And thanks to your little helper, they know about it. 135 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,109 I'm telling you, they're coming for more. 136 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,645 They use it to make magnets. 137 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,347 I'm a grandad. 138 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,058 - You know... - Don't ruin it. 139 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,351 Oh, I-I wouldn't think of ruining it. 140 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,353 - Thank you. - The great Genghis Khan 141 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,458 I knew it. -Has over 16 million living descendants. 142 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,893 Now, that's a seed. 143 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,337 You just have to bring up Genghis Khan. 144 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,963 Do any of his relatives live nearby? 145 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,397 Actually, yes. 146 00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:41,234 Uh, he has a great-times-30 granddaughter 147 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,071 who lives here in Staten Island. 148 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,073 So did you get your DNA tested, Guillermo? 149 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,842 I did, but you probably wouldn't be interested 150 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,912 - in finding out the results. - Yes. Probably not. 151 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,516 Thank you for attending. 152 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,285 I'm mainly mestizo, which I already knew. 153 00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:01,254 3.12% Dutch. 154 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,457 That's pretty cool. 155 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,626 This basically shows my family tree. 156 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,394 There's the Dutch family, 157 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,162 and the name is Van Helsing. 158 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,131 That's... 159 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,300 that's actually really funny. 160 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,236 Uh, 'cause I don't know if you're familiar with, uh, 161 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,905 who Van Helsing is... 162 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,909 The most notorious vampire killer. 163 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,712 I have Van Helsing DNA in my blood, 164 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,380 which is... 165 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,883 But he's not real, so... 166 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,652 He's not real. 167 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,622 Is he? 168 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,756 I mean, vampires are real, 169 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,125 but... 170 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,961 I suppose there could be a vampire... 171 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,396 Oh, wow. 172 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,397 I love vampires. 173 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,734 I-I... 174 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,136 I killed two accidentally. 175 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,005 Stay back! 176 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,975 Oh, fuck. 177 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,243 My tummy feels weird. 178 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,945 Just... 179 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,447 I th... What'd I have for lunch? I had for lunch... 180 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,282 I had, um... 181 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,351 Garlic. 182 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,961 When I was a human man, 183 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,463 I had rosy cheeks, yet in between those cheeks, 184 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,799 there was never a smile. 185 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,569 And then, one night, everything changed. 186 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,004 Nadja came through the window 187 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,639 and took my life. 188 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,875 She opened a window to my soul 189 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,811 and let the darkness in. 190 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,346 I'm creating something very special for her. 191 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,782 It's yet to take shape. 192 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,917 When it does, I think she'll be very impressed. 193 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,787 I can't be bothered to hold this anymore. Can you tether it? 194 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,131 - Uh, actually... - What the fuck have you got in your hand?! 195 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,456 Put that down! 196 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,258 That's a wooden stake, you dickhead! 197 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,070 Well, you asked me to buy garden stakes, so I b... 198 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,996 Get them out of my sight now, you smart-ass. 199 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,473 - Okay. - Where did you get them from? 200 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,208 - Amazon, so... - Well, then you get in your car, 201 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,509 and you drive back to the Amazon. 202 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,778 That's not how that w... It's online. 203 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:57,304 Shut your mouth, and tie this thing up. 204 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,172 Fucking halfwit. 205 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,643 Stakes! The most offensive thing he could bring into the house. 206 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877 Tighter! 207 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,980 So, Nandor has 200,000 descendants. 208 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:11,051 Still far fewer than, uh, Genghis Khan. 209 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,520 Um, so we're gonna go visit one. 210 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,388 Her name is Madeline. 211 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,091 I'm going to float up to her window and see her. 212 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:21,528 Not going to introduce myself yet. 213 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,230 Don't want to frighten her. 214 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:26,934 I need you to be very supportive of me at this delicate moment. 215 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,836 Going to give her some gifts. 216 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,038 Got her a little teddy bear. 217 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,539 Ugh. You know what? 218 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,541 This isn't working, me being supportive. 219 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,544 I feel like I am literally eating myself. 220 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,545 Ugh! 221 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,580 It is time. 222 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,925 Don't tap on the window. 223 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:55,328 I see her. She's asleep. 224 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,864 How does she look, Master? 225 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,900 She looks a little older than I was anticipating. 226 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,535 That-That's what I was trying to tell you... she's 94. 227 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:05,205 - So young! - Don't tap on the window. 228 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,875 She is stirring. I'm going to tap on the window. 229 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,911 - No. - N-No, Master, don't tap on the window. 230 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,780 Madeline! 231 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,682 Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap! 232 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,416 - Oh, crap. - Wakey, wakey! 233 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,218 Ah. 234 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,619 She's awake. 235 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,454 Come to me, my little one. 236 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,691 Come, look, this is for you. 237 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,826 Your grandpappy is here. 238 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,360 Say hello. 239 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,729 This is... 240 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,464 Oh, no. 241 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,168 I knew I shouldn't have tapped on her window, 242 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,237 but you goaded me. 243 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,007 If, by "goading," you mean my saying, 244 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,910 "Under no circumstances should you tap on her window," 245 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,644 then, yes, I goaded you. 246 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,213 Yes, exactly. You see, 247 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,648 you are a goader, Guillermo is a goader. 248 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:51,752 You saw an opportunity to goad and what did you do? 249 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,154 - You goaded it. - Okay. 250 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,923 Guillermo! 251 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,925 What is this feeling 252 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,592 I am feeling? 253 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,428 It's grief, Master! 254 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,496 Grief? 255 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,532 I don't care for it. 256 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,501 Wait, wait. Nandor! 257 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,738 How am I supposed to get down, Nandor? 258 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,107 You goaded me, and now you got to take the stairs! 259 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,276 This is why you don't get attached to humans. 260 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,445 They don't last long. 261 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,347 It is like with my sweet Gregor. 262 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,983 He is reborn and then he dies. 263 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,653 And again and again and again. 264 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,522 And every time he comes back, our love is reignited 265 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,524 like a big ball of flames, 266 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:34,461 and then he is brutally decapitated. 267 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,629 Look at this one. 268 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,799 Such a beautiful head of hair. 269 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,367 I like it when he's subservient, 270 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,668 but not like this. 271 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,805 Hello! Num, num, num, num, num. 272 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,513 I have to be very careful in case Laszlo sees. 273 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,562 Nadja. 274 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:12,199 Nadja! Nadja! 275 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,775 I'm Gregor! 276 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,514 Nadja! 277 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,617 Nadja? 278 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,887 Nadja! 279 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,233 Hey! Hey! Goddamn it. Call the cops. 280 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:53,540 Nandor has invited us to join him at the funeral 281 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,909 of his descendant Madeline. 282 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,787 - Wait. It's in a church? - Oh, bloody hell. 283 00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,622 - Well, of course. It's a funeral. - But hang on. 284 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,849 It's night. Shouldn't there be no one in there? 285 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,550 I got it changed to later in the evening. 286 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:04,985 - Asshole. - How did you do that? 287 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:07,187 I... called in a bomb scare. 288 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,455 - I can't go in there. - No. 289 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,557 Do it for Madeline. 290 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,059 Look at the pictures on the glass. 291 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,261 It's the Jeebus man. 292 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,429 Thought of going in a church... a church... 293 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,265 Makes me nervous to say the word. 294 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,467 I just... 295 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,402 You know, this... Not much scares me, 296 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,770 but this... 297 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,338 She can go in. Why can't we? Look at... 298 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,983 - Because she's not a vampire! - Look at her. 299 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,775 I'm a vampire. I can go in. 300 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,479 Energy vampires have no problems going into places of worship. 301 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,347 We find it to be fertile feeding ground. 302 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,983 - No! Ooh! - Wonderful, Colin. 303 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,417 Can you go in and pay our respects, 304 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,852 and we'll just stand here? 305 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,353 This is not about feeding ground. 306 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,389 This is about my great-great-great-great- 307 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,858 great-great- great-great-great-great- 308 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:48,361 great-great-granddaughter. Please. 309 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:50,230 Please? 310 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,966 Fuck it. Fine. 311 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,468 - Madeline. - Again, it's okay for me to go in. 312 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,937 I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine. 313 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,471 - Madeline. - Laszlo. 314 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,441 And it is with great sadness 315 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,376 and tremendous remorse 316 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,778 that we say goodbye to Madeline Darvish. 317 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,981 She did not have children of her own, 318 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,783 but many considered her a mother figure. 319 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,028 - Please rise. - Motherfucking rise. 320 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,853 - Then you rise. - You rise. 321 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,698 - I really appreciate you coming. - The Lord is my shepherd. 322 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:18,225 - I shall not want... - Nandor, we got to get out of here. 323 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:20,793 Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't know how much longer I can last. 324 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:26,799 Nandor, my mascara is running because of the blood. 325 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,301 You look great. 326 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,702 I got to get out. 327 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,138 I can't do this. 328 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,873 It is a lovely service, but I'm on fire. 329 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,976 Your rod and your staff... 330 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,586 - they comfort me. - Thank you for coming, Nadja. 331 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,980 Hey, I'm gonna go, too. I'd rather watch TV. 332 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,649 Thank you, Colin Robinson. 333 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,717 And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 334 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,486 Please be seated. 335 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:48,989 Guillermo. 336 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,158 Guillermo, I'm on fire. Get some water. 337 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,325 Water. 338 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,194 Aah! 339 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,798 So sad. I... 340 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,401 really miss her. 341 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,336 That was holy water, Guillermo. 342 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,106 Are you trying to kill me? 343 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,540 She died too young. 344 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,908 If anyone 345 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,510 from the family would like 346 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:12,579 to say a few words, 347 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,315 n-now would be a good time. 348 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,786 Good night, my darling. 349 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:21,488 Good night, my darling. 350 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,103 West on Jefferson Avenue, 351 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,029 got a late model red station wagon. 352 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,564 10-96. Escaped mental patient. 353 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,434 - So, my boy Sean... - Ca-caw! 354 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,636 Came to the corner store down on Eastern Parkway 355 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,006 to get some Twizzlers, but they only had a family size. 356 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,317 - Yo, shut up, shut up, look. - What, man? I'm telling a... 357 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,052 - Yo! Whoa! - What the fu...? Dude, what? 358 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,877 Holy shit. Oh, my God. 359 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,313 Whoa! 360 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,124 Dude, holy... Yo... 361 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,783 - Holy shit! Oh, my God. - Oh! Look at that! 362 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,952 - Look at that. - Holy shit. 363 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,387 Nadja! 364 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,631 - Are you okay? - Holy shit. 365 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,690 Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo. 366 00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,135 - Hey, hey, hey. - Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 367 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,860 - Oh! - Oh, my God. 368 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,363 Nadja! 369 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,008 That's not-that's not yours. Hey! TEEN 2: Dude! 370 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,134 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 371 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:11,447 - Yo, yo, yo, yo. - Stop! 372 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,972 Nadja?! 373 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,976 Nadja! 374 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,080 Nadja! 375 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,414 Shit. 376 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,684 Nadja! 377 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,153 - Jesk? - Nadja. 378 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,954 - Oh... - My Nadja. I heard your call. 379 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,590 - Shh. - My destiny has brought me here, 380 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,093 - and it is to be with you. - Oh. 381 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,595 Jesk, uh, you-you shouldn't be here. 382 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,996 - My husband lives here. - Husband? 383 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,199 And he is very big, wide man, 384 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,976 - and he loves to bite. - I don't give a shit. 385 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,845 - He loves to bite... - Our destiny cannot be denied. 386 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:46,339 - Who's this, my darling? - Well... Oh... 387 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,175 A gentleman caller? 388 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,377 Uh, no. This is just my friend from the park. 389 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,978 We're having a quick catch-up. 390 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,247 I am here for Nadja. 391 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,950 Nadja... is my wife. 392 00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,453 I should cut your head off. 393 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,555 Oh, I-Laszlo, you don't need to do that. 394 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,358 I always have. 395 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,359 - Wait, what? - What? 396 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,360 I know who you are. 397 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,696 Outward appearance may have changed. 398 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,364 The pattern remains the same. 399 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,766 You get reborn, you try and find her, 400 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,203 and I cut your head off. 401 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,575 Oh, shit. 402 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,479 When I was a street thief? 403 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,181 I had the cleaver in my hand. 404 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,384 When I was a naval officer? 405 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,928 I was on board that ship with a cutlass. 406 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,530 When I was atop 407 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,864 - that horse in the battlefield in... - Yeah, yeah. 408 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,524 That was me. 409 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,558 The Amazon explorer? 410 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,327 Guess who tipped off the natives. 411 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,238 - When I was a mouse? - I was a cat. - 412 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,896 When he was a washer woman? 413 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,366 - We can do this all night. - Really? 414 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,435 - You're an evil genius. - My darling, 415 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:51,471 every time doughboy turns up, you start crying. 416 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,873 Now, I'm not having that. 417 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,909 You're my sweet baby, and I'm here to stop that kind of jive. 418 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:59,579 Aw. Crazy knight in... 419 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,014 shining black coat. 420 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,383 Oh, Laszlo. 421 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418 Well, this is fucked up. 422 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,892 - Should we get on with it? - No. No. 423 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,856 Let him have at least one full life, my darling. 424 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,158 Is this what you want? 425 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,092 Why... y-yes. 426 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,728 I suggest you fuck off 427 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,064 and never darken our doorstep again. 428 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,834 My wife has everything she needs with me. Is that understood? 429 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,671 Goodbye. 430 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,215 May-Maybe I'll see you in the next life. 431 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,050 - Yeah, maybe you won't. - Oh, okay. All right. 432 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,409 All right, all right. I'm going. 433 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,878 - May-Maybe you will. - Mm-hmm. 434 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:36,082 Now, my darling. I've created something for you. 435 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,917 Here's your surprise. 436 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,887 It's me. 437 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,889 - It is the most beautiful thing. - That's it. 438 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,292 - My eyes has ever witnessed. - I'm out of here. 439 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,893 Farewell, my love... 440 00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,228 Ooh! 441 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,463 - Bloody not. - Laszlo, what the 442 00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,675 - fucking hell have you done?! - No, no, no, no, my darling. 443 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,243 I swear, that had nothing to do with me. 444 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,635 Aw. Ew. 445 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,705 I'll leave you some time alone with... 446 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,139 whatever his name is. 447 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,410 Oh, Gregor, 448 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:06,613 thank you for all the lovely times, and I'll see you soon. 449 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,390 Guillermo? 450 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,559 - Yes, Master? - You all right? 451 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,093 I'm just tired, Master. 452 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,729 You sure? 453 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,532 Yes, I'm sure. Time for bed. 454 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:29,135 What was the results of your ancestry test? 455 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,942 Just... stereotypical... Mexican. 456 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,511 - Piñata farmers. - Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm. 457 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,513 There's nothing to be ashamed of. 458 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,515 People love piñatas. 459 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,618 Someone's got to breed those colorful donkeys. 460 00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,587 Thank you, Master. 461 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:54,160 Thank you for helping me tonight on my saddest night. 462 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,096 Even though you did throw holy water onto me! 463 00:19:57,129 --> 00:20:00,267 Do you remember that?! It really burned! 464 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,134 - Sorry. - Why would you do that?! 465 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,170 Outrageous! 466 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,138 Aah, my burns! 467 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,175 From the holy water that you threw on me. 468 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,611 That is one demerit point for you, 469 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,447 and one more year as my familiar. 470 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:16,148 Good night. 471 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,887 - Guillermo? - Hmm? 472 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,323 You're having a serious thought? 473 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,891 No. 474 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,694 Oh, yeah, you probably weren't. 475 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,362 Good night. 476 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:32,098 Good night, Master. 477 00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:01,187 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH