1 00:00:05,752 --> 00:00:07,586 Here we are, the nerve center. 2 00:00:07,619 --> 00:00:09,021 Colin Robinson for 3 00:00:09,055 --> 00:00:12,024 Staten Island Comptroller headquarters. 4 00:00:12,058 --> 00:00:15,061 Sean had to bow out of the race. 5 00:00:15,094 --> 00:00:17,596 Apparently, in Staten Island, 6 00:00:17,629 --> 00:00:20,032 there's a rule that a candidate can't have more than 7 00:00:20,066 --> 00:00:21,700 nine DUIs. 8 00:00:21,734 --> 00:00:23,903 Most Staten Island office holders 9 00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:25,504 only have two or three. 10 00:00:25,537 --> 00:00:27,073 Oh, hi, Barbara. 11 00:00:27,106 --> 00:00:28,306 He needed someone 12 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:30,076 to take his place, and my record 13 00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:32,879 is absolutely, completely clean. 14 00:00:32,912 --> 00:00:36,749 Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here. 15 00:00:36,783 --> 00:00:38,517 You're on the tube. Quick. 16 00:00:38,550 --> 00:00:40,019 With all due respect, my new opponent 17 00:00:40,052 --> 00:00:42,088 seems like a nice man, but he has 18 00:00:42,121 --> 00:00:45,091 no government experience. He was working as a server... 19 00:00:45,124 --> 00:00:47,960 I can't wait to flex my blue collar bona fides 20 00:00:47,994 --> 00:00:49,095 on the debate stage. 21 00:00:49,128 --> 00:00:51,898 Up top. 22 00:00:51,931 --> 00:00:54,033 There it is. 23 00:00:56,068 --> 00:00:58,738 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 24 00:00:58,771 --> 00:01:01,073 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 25 00:01:01,107 --> 00:01:05,044 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 26 00:01:05,077 --> 00:01:08,380 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 27 00:01:08,413 --> 00:01:11,449 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 28 00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:14,020 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 29 00:01:14,053 --> 00:01:16,555 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 30 00:01:16,588 --> 00:01:18,690 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 31 00:01:28,768 --> 00:01:31,403 I have been spending more time 32 00:01:31,436 --> 00:01:33,105 at this new gym lately. 33 00:01:33,139 --> 00:01:34,740 I have asked Guillermo to join me, 34 00:01:34,774 --> 00:01:37,043 but he always seems to have something else 35 00:01:37,076 --> 00:01:38,878 going on these days. 36 00:01:38,911 --> 00:01:40,079 Guillermo! Guillermo, 37 00:01:40,112 --> 00:01:42,647 -where are you? -Shit! 38 00:01:42,681 --> 00:01:44,482 - I've been avoiding Nandor. -Oh. 39 00:01:44,516 --> 00:01:45,852 It's been hard, 40 00:01:45,885 --> 00:01:47,552 physically and emotionally. 41 00:01:47,586 --> 00:01:48,754 - Guillermo? - I just don't 42 00:01:48,788 --> 00:01:50,089 want him to get suspicious that 43 00:01:50,122 --> 00:01:51,891 I'm a vampire now. Or half 44 00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:54,060 a vampire. Or whatever I am. 45 00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:54,927 Guillermo? 46 00:01:54,961 --> 00:01:57,163 And so I have decided 47 00:01:57,196 --> 00:02:00,432 to hunt for a new companion. 48 00:02:00,465 --> 00:02:02,667 Need a spot? 49 00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,469 Uh, sure, why not? 50 00:02:04,502 --> 00:02:06,172 Great. 51 00:02:06,205 --> 00:02:08,908 Looks like it's just me and you in here tonight, huh, buddy? 52 00:02:08,941 --> 00:02:10,675 Um, yeah. 53 00:02:10,709 --> 00:02:13,946 Uh, it's usually pretty empty on Easter Sunday. 54 00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:17,616 I guess all the gentiles are out hunting for eggs. 55 00:02:17,649 --> 00:02:20,485 You are Jewish? 56 00:02:20,518 --> 00:02:21,821 Yep. 57 00:02:21,854 --> 00:02:23,956 Very cool. 58 00:02:23,990 --> 00:02:25,091 Mm-hmm. 59 00:02:26,725 --> 00:02:29,095 Alexander. 60 00:02:29,128 --> 00:02:30,562 Nandor. 61 00:02:30,595 --> 00:02:33,065 Thanks for the spot, pal. 62 00:02:33,099 --> 00:02:35,801 It was my pleasure. 63 00:02:35,835 --> 00:02:39,138 So, what meshuggaas-- 64 00:02:39,171 --> 00:02:40,907 that means stuff-- 65 00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:42,909 is everyone doing tonight? 66 00:02:42,942 --> 00:02:44,043 If you're only asking us what we're doing 67 00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:46,846 so you can tell us what you're doing, we don't care. 68 00:02:46,879 --> 00:02:49,782 Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides, 69 00:02:49,815 --> 00:02:52,684 I have acquired a new friend. 70 00:02:52,717 --> 00:02:55,021 - Oh. - -And now we are going to the movies 71 00:02:55,054 --> 00:02:56,488 together. 72 00:02:56,521 --> 00:02:58,590 We are mishpocha. 73 00:02:58,623 --> 00:02:59,959 Oh, yes. 74 00:02:59,992 --> 00:03:02,728 My new friend-- he's the total package. 75 00:03:02,762 --> 00:03:05,097 Has a great sense of humor, loves to work out 76 00:03:05,131 --> 00:03:07,767 and he's Jewish. 77 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,769 What difference does it make if he's Jewish? 78 00:03:09,802 --> 00:03:11,771 It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar, 79 00:03:11,804 --> 00:03:14,140 I always heard stories about the Jews. 80 00:03:14,173 --> 00:03:17,143 Exceptionally proud people, fierce warriors, 81 00:03:17,176 --> 00:03:19,211 but I never actually got to meet one. 82 00:03:19,245 --> 00:03:22,114 I had no idea there were Jews in New York City. 83 00:03:22,148 --> 00:03:26,085 And now I am proud to call one my friend. 84 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:27,987 Oh. That's great. What-What's his name? 85 00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:29,487 Well, look who suddenly reappeared 86 00:03:29,521 --> 00:03:31,489 now that I'm kvelling about my new friend. 87 00:03:31,523 --> 00:03:33,658 - I've been here the whole time. - -Well, if you must know, 88 00:03:33,692 --> 00:03:35,161 his name is Alexander. 89 00:03:35,194 --> 00:03:37,163 Alexander the Jew. 90 00:03:37,196 --> 00:03:38,965 Nope. I don't think that's his name. 91 00:03:38,998 --> 00:03:40,199 Quit your kvetching. 92 00:03:40,232 --> 00:03:42,234 I really 93 00:03:42,268 --> 00:03:44,636 couldn't care less about being comptroller. 94 00:03:44,669 --> 00:03:47,773 Hello! I am Colin Robinson. 95 00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:49,809 I am running for comptroller. 96 00:03:49,842 --> 00:03:51,243 -Can she vote? -Uh, no. 97 00:03:51,277 --> 00:03:52,945 -Okay, then don't. -Ooh. 98 00:03:52,979 --> 00:03:54,146 I'd rather it lay on the ground 99 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:55,181 than go into her hands. 100 00:03:55,214 --> 00:03:56,182 I'm only doing it 101 00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:58,184 because the debate stage 102 00:03:58,217 --> 00:04:00,585 is a great place for a mega drain. 103 00:04:00,618 --> 00:04:03,555 You know, it's really no surprise the amount 104 00:04:03,588 --> 00:04:06,258 -Uh, we're good. -of energy vampires in politics. 105 00:04:06,292 --> 00:04:07,960 - Colin, stop it. - What are you running for? 106 00:04:07,994 --> 00:04:09,228 - Touch this. - What are you doing? 107 00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:10,062 - Touch it. - Stop doing that. 108 00:04:10,096 --> 00:04:12,530 But the perfect campaign 109 00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:13,733 needs the perfect wife. 110 00:04:13,766 --> 00:04:17,303 I have an old flame that comes here. 111 00:04:17,336 --> 00:04:20,605 Once we accept that they are never coming back 112 00:04:20,638 --> 00:04:22,775 to sweep us off our feet with an unexpected... 113 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:27,313 E-Evie Russell? 114 00:04:27,346 --> 00:04:29,647 Colin Robinson. 115 00:04:29,681 --> 00:04:31,250 W-What are you doing here? 116 00:04:31,283 --> 00:04:33,953 Evie, please. I-I need you. 117 00:04:33,986 --> 00:04:36,155 I didn't think I'd ever see you again 118 00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,858 after you fled the scene of the accident 119 00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,327 that left me partially blind. 120 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,130 - And completely unable to move my legs. 121 00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:45,297 Oh, Evie. 122 00:04:45,331 --> 00:04:46,966 Evie Russell 123 00:04:46,999 --> 00:04:49,235 is an emotional vampire. 124 00:04:49,268 --> 00:04:52,038 The doctor said, "She'd be better off dead." 125 00:04:52,071 --> 00:04:55,808 She drains people by feeding on their emotions. 126 00:04:55,841 --> 00:04:58,844 And then he hung himself while he was masturbating. 127 00:04:58,878 --> 00:05:00,913 - Oh. - When we dated, 128 00:05:00,946 --> 00:05:04,250 she destroyed me and fed off of the remnants 129 00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:06,886 of what used to be my heart. 130 00:05:06,919 --> 00:05:09,155 She's the best. 131 00:05:09,188 --> 00:05:11,623 Oh, I've never stopped thinking about you. 132 00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:13,725 I mean, even after all these years. 133 00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:16,896 To me, you are perfect. 134 00:05:16,929 --> 00:05:18,630 Love Actually, 2003. 135 00:05:18,663 --> 00:05:21,033 I wish I knew how to quit you. 136 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:23,369 Brokeback Mountain, 2005. 137 00:05:23,402 --> 00:05:26,704 I got you this necklace. 138 00:05:26,739 --> 00:05:28,974 Titanic, 1997. 139 00:05:30,743 --> 00:05:33,012 - It looks beautiful on you. - Thank you. 140 00:05:44,390 --> 00:05:45,424 Ever since I stumbled on 141 00:05:45,458 --> 00:05:47,827 the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos, 142 00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:50,830 I have been spending my nights with a delightful family. 143 00:05:50,863 --> 00:05:52,198 No, I-I have eaten... 144 00:05:52,231 --> 00:05:53,766 Being with them makes me feel 145 00:05:53,799 --> 00:05:55,267 almost human. 146 00:05:55,301 --> 00:05:58,037 I've been helping my new family by actually working. 147 00:05:58,070 --> 00:05:59,839 And maybe these simple acts 148 00:05:59,872 --> 00:06:02,408 of kindness, compassion, and friendship 149 00:06:02,441 --> 00:06:04,276 might help lift this 150 00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:07,679 pissing Antipaxon curse that I have all over me. 151 00:06:07,712 --> 00:06:09,748 But... they keep asking 152 00:06:09,782 --> 00:06:10,883 to meet Laszlo. 153 00:06:10,916 --> 00:06:13,085 Laszlo is not from Antipaxos, 154 00:06:13,119 --> 00:06:16,388 and Antipaxons are very, very suspicious 155 00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:17,655 of outsiders. 156 00:06:19,358 --> 00:06:22,228 He's coming tonight. 157 00:06:22,261 --> 00:06:24,029 Now you see, what you must understand is 158 00:06:24,063 --> 00:06:25,865 courting a partner's 159 00:06:25,898 --> 00:06:28,700 family is just as important as courting the lover. 160 00:06:28,734 --> 00:06:31,871 So, I have done deep research into 161 00:06:31,904 --> 00:06:33,772 these simple island folk. 162 00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:38,444 I learned their customs, their dress. 163 00:06:38,477 --> 00:06:40,012 What the fuck are you wearing? 164 00:06:40,045 --> 00:06:41,113 I'm dressed as an islander. 165 00:06:41,147 --> 00:06:42,314 These people are peasants. 166 00:06:42,348 --> 00:06:43,849 It's important I fit in, my darling. 167 00:06:43,883 --> 00:06:45,251 Their way of speaking. 168 00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:46,752 Me, Laszlo. 169 00:06:46,785 --> 00:06:48,120 Do you people have names 170 00:06:48,154 --> 00:06:50,222 or do you communicate with sticks? 171 00:06:50,256 --> 00:06:52,258 I had become one of them. 172 00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:53,425 I think this is going well. 173 00:06:53,459 --> 00:06:54,426 This is the matriarch of this 174 00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:56,262 very important family to me, 175 00:06:56,295 --> 00:06:57,329 -okay? Yes? -Yeah, yeah. 176 00:06:57,363 --> 00:06:59,365 -Yia-Yia. -Yia-Yia. 177 00:06:59,398 --> 00:07:01,066 Lovely to meet you, I'm sure. 178 00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:04,036 He was dropped on his head as a baby. 179 00:07:10,509 --> 00:07:12,478 Any big plans for the summertime? 180 00:07:12,511 --> 00:07:14,180 Not really. 181 00:07:14,213 --> 00:07:17,416 So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing 182 00:07:17,449 --> 00:07:19,451 my reps, and he, uh, I don't know, 183 00:07:19,485 --> 00:07:23,022 he-he seemed harmless and 184 00:07:23,055 --> 00:07:25,824 kind of lonely, and, uh... 185 00:07:25,858 --> 00:07:28,160 then he asked me here, and... 186 00:07:28,194 --> 00:07:31,397 I don't know, I'm here. Uh, I don't know. 187 00:07:31,430 --> 00:07:33,365 It just happened. 188 00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:38,904 - You are enjoying the movie? - Shh! 189 00:07:40,472 --> 00:07:43,008 I remember the first time I went to one. 190 00:07:43,042 --> 00:07:45,044 There was a locomotion film playing. 191 00:07:45,077 --> 00:07:46,378 And we all thought, 192 00:07:46,412 --> 00:07:47,513 "This train's gonna kill us!" And, of course-- 193 00:07:47,546 --> 00:07:49,848 - Shut up! - Shh. 194 00:07:49,882 --> 00:07:53,185 Yes. Yes, you're right. 195 00:07:53,219 --> 00:07:55,221 Zero is the amount of paperwork you'd have to file 196 00:07:55,254 --> 00:07:58,324 -after I replace -Excuse me. 197 00:07:58,357 --> 00:08:02,061 our entire outdated system... 198 00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:05,965 Mr. Robinson, are you all right? 199 00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:08,300 Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go. 200 00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,936 With a seamless, user-friendly, 201 00:08:10,970 --> 00:08:12,404 digital platform. 202 00:08:12,438 --> 00:08:15,174 Eliminate bureaucracy. 203 00:08:15,207 --> 00:08:17,910 Say goodbye to paperwork. 204 00:08:17,943 --> 00:08:21,113 And hello to anarchy. 205 00:08:21,146 --> 00:08:22,481 You're-you're clapping for an anarchist. 206 00:08:22,514 --> 00:08:24,783 Thank you. Thank you very much. 207 00:08:24,817 --> 00:08:27,453 - Four weeks ago, when I started this... 208 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,056 Check, check. Microphone, microphone. 209 00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:32,958 With the debate stage, 210 00:08:32,992 --> 00:08:36,295 what you have is a captive audience. 211 00:08:36,328 --> 00:08:39,064 Do you know how this... 212 00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:42,434 It's like a smorgasbord. 213 00:08:42,468 --> 00:08:46,405 Four weeks ago, 214 00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:48,540 I was sitting down 215 00:08:48,574 --> 00:08:51,477 for breakfast with my 216 00:08:51,510 --> 00:08:52,978 beautiful wife, Evie. 217 00:08:53,012 --> 00:08:55,547 Evie and I were sitting down with our two 218 00:08:55,581 --> 00:08:58,817 beautiful little boys, 219 00:08:58,851 --> 00:09:01,287 Connor and C-C-- Cah-- ristopher, 220 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,555 and Christopher 221 00:09:03,589 --> 00:09:05,257 looks up to me-- he's 222 00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:08,927 six years old and full of the dickens-- 223 00:09:10,963 --> 00:09:14,400 And I said, "Well, it's because of the taxes, 224 00:09:14,433 --> 00:09:15,534 Conno-- Christopher." 225 00:09:17,336 --> 00:09:21,006 And I'll be damned if there's anyone in this hall right now... 226 00:09:24,076 --> 00:09:26,345 ...smells often of beef stew, 227 00:09:26,378 --> 00:09:28,447 as all young children do. 228 00:09:31,450 --> 00:09:34,853 Your allowance is being cut 229 00:09:34,887 --> 00:09:36,555 because mommy lost her job. 230 00:09:36,588 --> 00:09:38,991 Mommy lost her job to 231 00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:42,161 an M'er-F'ing machine. 232 00:09:42,194 --> 00:09:43,495 A machine that 233 00:09:43,529 --> 00:09:45,564 ran over my foot 234 00:09:45,597 --> 00:09:47,433 on a factory floor. 235 00:09:47,466 --> 00:09:49,134 - Unbelievable. - And is a-a 236 00:09:49,168 --> 00:09:52,371 machine gonna tuck my two sons-- 237 00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:55,541 who are full of the dickens-- into bed? 238 00:09:55,574 --> 00:09:58,644 You think that machine can give my boys 239 00:09:58,677 --> 00:10:00,279 their goodnight kissies? 240 00:10:00,312 --> 00:10:03,015 How's that gonna work? Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah. 241 00:10:03,048 --> 00:10:06,452 I sure would like to meet that machine 242 00:10:06,485 --> 00:10:09,154 and tell it to pay for my medical bills. 243 00:10:12,057 --> 00:10:14,026 That machine ruined our gosh darn 244 00:10:14,059 --> 00:10:16,562 C-Chrosstopher's life. 245 00:10:18,964 --> 00:10:22,134 No, really, you were so good. 246 00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:24,303 I-I doubt I'll get a single vote. 247 00:10:24,336 --> 00:10:26,138 Oh. Very nice. 248 00:10:26,171 --> 00:10:28,507 So, what do you want to do now? 249 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,309 Oh, I don't know. We could catch up. 250 00:10:30,342 --> 00:10:31,944 I really have thought about you 251 00:10:31,977 --> 00:10:34,580 quite a bit these last few years. 252 00:10:34,613 --> 00:10:36,548 -I guess our Uber is here. -Yeah. 253 00:10:36,582 --> 00:10:38,250 - Oh. - Not our Uber. 254 00:10:38,283 --> 00:10:39,518 Oh! Ow. 255 00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:40,886 What the hell?! 256 00:10:46,492 --> 00:10:48,660 European Middle Ages, in which 257 00:10:48,694 --> 00:10:50,629 monks wore hoods or cowls... 258 00:10:50,662 --> 00:10:52,498 This is triggering because I was blind as a child, 259 00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:54,233 and I'm having flashbacks. 260 00:10:54,266 --> 00:10:56,935 Enough! Be quiet! 261 00:10:56,969 --> 00:10:58,070 You guys can join us, 262 00:10:58,103 --> 00:11:00,372 but if you're hoping to get any interesting footage, 263 00:11:00,406 --> 00:11:02,441 you came to exactly the wrong place. 264 00:11:08,347 --> 00:11:09,581 Ow. 265 00:11:09,615 --> 00:11:11,950 Where-where are we? 266 00:11:11,984 --> 00:11:13,018 Wait, a-are you... 267 00:11:13,051 --> 00:11:15,387 Okay. Uh, so, 268 00:11:15,421 --> 00:11:17,556 calling to order this emergency meeting 269 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:20,726 of the Supreme Council of Energy Vampires. 270 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,394 It's real? 271 00:11:22,428 --> 00:11:23,662 I'd always heard rumors, but... 272 00:11:23,695 --> 00:11:26,231 A-Are we in trouble? 273 00:11:26,265 --> 00:11:28,100 Well, uh, what we have here 274 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,602 is a situation in... 275 00:11:30,636 --> 00:11:32,704 Sorry, let me turn that off. 276 00:11:32,739 --> 00:11:36,074 So annoying, right? Like, "Okay, Boomer." 277 00:11:36,108 --> 00:11:39,144 As I-I was saying, uh, what we do have here 278 00:11:39,178 --> 00:11:41,680 is a situation in which we... 279 00:11:41,713 --> 00:11:43,449 - Hey. - -Uh, what you're gonna want to do 280 00:11:43,482 --> 00:11:46,318 is go to your home screen 281 00:11:46,351 --> 00:11:48,720 and look for "Settings." 282 00:11:48,755 --> 00:11:50,055 - I'm not... I'm not seeing that. - And you open that up, 283 00:11:50,088 --> 00:11:51,457 and you're looking for "Alerts." 284 00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,392 - It should be listed alphabetical, - I... 285 00:11:53,425 --> 00:11:55,527 - so "Alerts" would be at the top of that. - -I am not seeing that. 286 00:11:55,561 --> 00:11:57,529 It could also be under "Sounds and Haptics." 287 00:11:57,563 --> 00:11:59,164 I don't know what operating system you're running. 288 00:11:59,198 --> 00:12:02,167 Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss? 289 00:12:02,201 --> 00:12:03,335 You're not late. You were actually sitting there 290 00:12:03,368 --> 00:12:04,369 the whole time. 291 00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:06,138 Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening, 292 00:12:06,171 --> 00:12:08,407 so could somebody bring me up to speed, please? 293 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:09,675 They were asking if 294 00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:12,110 they're in trouble, and I was saying that 295 00:12:12,144 --> 00:12:14,012 what we have here is a situation in which... 296 00:12:14,046 --> 00:12:16,215 - Shucks. - Home screen. 297 00:12:16,248 --> 00:12:18,650 - Okay. Mm. - "Settings." 298 00:12:18,684 --> 00:12:20,285 Alert settings, 299 00:12:20,319 --> 00:12:21,687 and then what you're gonna need to do 300 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,057 -is find the, uh... -My God, they are fantastic. 301 00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:26,625 Oh, yeah. This is awful. 302 00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:27,693 Maybe we should move on 303 00:12:27,726 --> 00:12:29,061 to the business at hand? 304 00:12:29,094 --> 00:12:31,029 - We can't hear you. - Just speak up. 305 00:12:31,063 --> 00:12:33,599 Oh, sorry. One moment. 306 00:12:33,632 --> 00:12:35,167 Just speak up. 307 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,569 Shake it. 308 00:12:37,603 --> 00:12:39,204 Okay. How about now? 309 00:12:39,238 --> 00:12:40,439 -No, no. Shake it. -Mm-mmm. 310 00:12:40,472 --> 00:12:42,174 Y-You're gonna need to speak up. 311 00:12:42,207 --> 00:12:44,042 Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection. 312 00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:45,110 I'm literally shouting. 313 00:12:45,143 --> 00:12:46,813 That would literally have nothing to do with it. 314 00:12:46,846 --> 00:12:48,580 Uh, why don't you check 315 00:12:48,614 --> 00:12:51,149 the XLR cable connection. 316 00:12:51,183 --> 00:12:53,252 Colin Robinson, Evie Russell, 317 00:12:53,285 --> 00:12:54,686 you have been summoned here... 318 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,122 Does somebody want to interrupt her and let her know 319 00:12:57,155 --> 00:12:59,591 that, at this point, she is completely inaudible? 320 00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:02,160 Yeah, no problem. You're not-you're not audible 321 00:13:02,194 --> 00:13:03,730 due to the low volume 322 00:13:03,763 --> 00:13:05,765 - of your microphone. - I'm shouting. 323 00:13:07,332 --> 00:13:09,268 I am blowing up today. 324 00:13:09,301 --> 00:13:12,304 Listen, uh, if we don't survive this, 325 00:13:12,337 --> 00:13:13,806 I-I just want you to know that 326 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,140 - I've always loved... - Colin Robinson, 327 00:13:15,173 --> 00:13:18,143 no side conversations, please. 328 00:13:18,176 --> 00:13:19,846 I am at a loss. 329 00:13:19,879 --> 00:13:21,113 Do we have an agenda? 330 00:13:21,146 --> 00:13:22,414 System settings. 331 00:13:22,447 --> 00:13:23,816 I have something called Settings? 332 00:13:23,850 --> 00:13:25,484 My good friend Alexander 333 00:13:25,517 --> 00:13:27,619 has yet to call me back on the telephone. 334 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:29,756 Who is that? Is that Alexander? 335 00:13:29,789 --> 00:13:31,657 No. Why would I be talking to Alexander? 336 00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:34,827 I gave Alexander your number because I do not have a phone. 337 00:13:34,861 --> 00:13:38,363 Does this fill me with a crippling sense of self-doubt? 338 00:13:38,397 --> 00:13:40,332 Sometimes. 339 00:13:40,365 --> 00:13:41,600 It's not fair! 340 00:13:41,633 --> 00:13:44,102 Perhaps we are just too different to be friends. 341 00:13:44,136 --> 00:13:45,838 But I can fix. 342 00:13:46,806 --> 00:13:49,575 Master, you know I would do anything for you, but 343 00:13:49,608 --> 00:13:51,543 I'm not gonna circumcise you. 344 00:13:51,577 --> 00:13:53,178 Here's me in the corner. 345 00:13:53,211 --> 00:13:56,281 Here's me in the spotlight at my circumcision. 346 00:13:56,315 --> 00:13:57,416 Master, you just can't get circumcised 347 00:13:57,449 --> 00:13:58,617 for a friend you met at the gym. 348 00:13:58,650 --> 00:13:59,752 Guillermo, there's no other way. 349 00:13:59,786 --> 00:14:01,286 How can two men be friends 350 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,554 when they are so different? 351 00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:03,555 You and I are different. 352 00:14:03,589 --> 00:14:05,591 You are. I am not. 353 00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:07,860 It's time for you 354 00:14:07,894 --> 00:14:10,797 to snip my tip. 355 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,365 Enjoy. 356 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,469 Hello, my sexy, Greek, 357 00:14:17,502 --> 00:14:18,704 extended family. 358 00:14:18,738 --> 00:14:19,739 Ah, Laszlo. 359 00:14:19,772 --> 00:14:22,240 Gather round. I have something I want to say. 360 00:14:22,274 --> 00:14:24,309 Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia. 361 00:14:24,343 --> 00:14:25,878 The memory of a song, 362 00:14:25,912 --> 00:14:27,179 when executed properly, 363 00:14:27,212 --> 00:14:28,781 can be a powerful gift. 364 00:14:37,857 --> 00:14:39,759 Had my sweet love, Laszlo, 365 00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:40,860 consulted me before just 366 00:14:40,893 --> 00:14:43,195 putting on a big concert in front of my new family, 367 00:14:43,228 --> 00:14:45,898 I would have probably said maybe don't sing the battle hymn 368 00:14:45,932 --> 00:14:48,835 of our neighboring island, Nisida Mongonisi, 369 00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:51,603 because that place is the home of our mortal enemies, 370 00:14:51,637 --> 00:14:52,805 the Nisida Mongonisans. 371 00:14:54,239 --> 00:14:55,742 -Hold on a second, my-- -Shut up! 372 00:14:55,775 --> 00:14:58,410 Who told you that was a good idea?! 373 00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,879 - All right, my darling. - You were singing, 374 00:14:59,912 --> 00:15:01,446 "Kill them, kill them, kill them." 375 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,715 How many times have I said that to you in Greek? 376 00:15:04,884 --> 00:15:06,886 We can't hear you. 377 00:15:06,919 --> 00:15:08,720 You're just gonna need to speak up. 378 00:15:08,755 --> 00:15:10,823 Feels like we should turn this over 379 00:15:10,857 --> 00:15:12,491 to the chairman at this point. 380 00:15:12,524 --> 00:15:15,527 Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we... 381 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,965 -Um... -Hello. Yes. 382 00:15:18,998 --> 00:15:20,900 I can take it from here. 383 00:15:20,933 --> 00:15:24,369 Thank you for softening them up. 384 00:15:24,403 --> 00:15:26,873 Okay. Now, who is this? 385 00:15:26,906 --> 00:15:27,874 - The Chairman. - -Uh, you've worked with her 386 00:15:27,907 --> 00:15:30,409 - for 15 years now. - Is that right? 387 00:15:30,442 --> 00:15:31,543 Did she get a haircut or something? 388 00:15:31,576 --> 00:15:32,711 Colin Robinson. 389 00:15:32,745 --> 00:15:35,882 Your opponent Barbara Lazarro's platform 390 00:15:35,915 --> 00:15:37,950 is a direct threat to the lifeblood 391 00:15:37,984 --> 00:15:39,952 of energy vampires, 392 00:15:39,986 --> 00:15:41,854 which is-- 393 00:15:41,888 --> 00:15:43,522 what's the word-- 394 00:15:43,555 --> 00:15:44,924 bureaucracy. 395 00:15:44,957 --> 00:15:47,994 - Bureaucracy. - And bureaucracy is... 396 00:15:48,027 --> 00:15:50,595 How do I put this? I feel like there's 397 00:15:50,629 --> 00:15:51,931 -a slogan... -Oh. 398 00:15:51,964 --> 00:15:53,900 Bureaucracy is the gum 399 00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:56,668 that clogs the gears of every human endeavor. 400 00:15:56,702 --> 00:15:58,771 The petty BS, in triplicate, 401 00:15:58,805 --> 00:15:59,739 that reminds 402 00:15:59,772 --> 00:16:02,541 the common man that he is a useless speck 403 00:16:02,574 --> 00:16:04,010 and has kept energy vampires 404 00:16:04,043 --> 00:16:07,345 everywhere well-fed, fat, and happy. 405 00:16:07,379 --> 00:16:09,982 All hail bureaucracy. 406 00:16:10,016 --> 00:16:12,617 Enough. I can't take it anymore. 407 00:16:12,651 --> 00:16:14,887 Why are we here? W-What do you want us to do? 408 00:16:14,921 --> 00:16:17,924 You must beat Barbara Lazarro, 409 00:16:17,957 --> 00:16:18,858 or else. 410 00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:21,693 How do you expect me to beat Barbara Lazarro? 411 00:16:21,727 --> 00:16:22,862 I-I can't win. 412 00:16:22,895 --> 00:16:24,030 Even if I could, 413 00:16:24,063 --> 00:16:26,431 I don't even want to be comptroller. 414 00:16:26,465 --> 00:16:28,735 This is how we feed, dummy. 415 00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:31,336 You need to protect our way of life. 416 00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:32,404 What if I don't? 417 00:16:32,437 --> 00:16:34,874 We have certain methods 418 00:16:34,907 --> 00:16:36,943 for persuading the reluctant. 419 00:16:40,378 --> 00:16:41,914 Turn it around. It's backwards. 420 00:16:41,948 --> 00:16:43,049 - I can't see it. - It's backwards. 421 00:16:43,082 --> 00:16:44,851 Turn it so it faces them, 422 00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:45,918 but also is facing me. 423 00:16:45,952 --> 00:16:48,955 Turn it so the screen is facing us. 424 00:16:48,988 --> 00:16:50,056 - No, they can't see it. - To the left more. 425 00:16:50,089 --> 00:16:52,058 - Left, left. - -Please be more expedient. 426 00:16:52,091 --> 00:16:53,059 Thank you. 427 00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:56,661 Slide one of 543: 428 00:16:56,695 --> 00:16:58,965 "Hurry Up and Wait: An Argument for 429 00:16:58,998 --> 00:17:01,000 - "and Statistical Review - Make it stop. 430 00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,936 -"of Energy Vampire Preservation -It's too much. 431 00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:04,904 "Via Bureaucracy, 432 00:17:04,937 --> 00:17:06,371 - Secured Only Through..." - Fine. Fine. 433 00:17:06,404 --> 00:17:08,306 We-We'll do it, just... 434 00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:09,942 please let us out of here. 435 00:17:09,976 --> 00:17:12,044 Thanks, but we-we're still gonna read it. 436 00:17:12,078 --> 00:17:14,013 Just to reiterate. Still gonna 437 00:17:14,046 --> 00:17:15,948 - watch it and read it. - -"Part One, Section One..." 438 00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:19,018 And I'm here to fight for the change you deserve, 439 00:17:19,051 --> 00:17:22,989 Staten Island. And with all of you, my Colin-izers, 440 00:17:23,022 --> 00:17:25,024 by my side, I can't lose. 441 00:17:25,057 --> 00:17:28,027 I'm so full of passion, 442 00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,594 I just want to scream! 443 00:17:31,563 --> 00:17:34,466 And now we're off to Mariners Harbor, 444 00:17:34,499 --> 00:17:35,835 Midland Beach, 445 00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:39,038 Randall Manor. Yee-haw! 446 00:17:39,071 --> 00:17:41,007 Okay. I'm just gonna take 447 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,109 a quick break now to settle down. 448 00:17:43,142 --> 00:17:46,045 I can't keep doing this. 449 00:17:46,078 --> 00:17:49,648 Uh, I can't keep pretending to be 450 00:17:49,681 --> 00:17:51,851 Mr. Charisma to all these nimrods. 451 00:17:51,884 --> 00:17:53,451 It's awful. 452 00:17:53,485 --> 00:17:55,054 But the Energy Vampire Council said 453 00:17:55,087 --> 00:17:57,722 we have to win, or else. 454 00:17:58,891 --> 00:18:00,592 No. No. No. 455 00:18:00,625 --> 00:18:03,361 Enough. It ends now. 456 00:18:03,395 --> 00:18:05,131 What? 457 00:18:05,164 --> 00:18:07,099 Okay, where was I? 458 00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:10,102 Let's see here. Meiers Corners. 459 00:18:10,136 --> 00:18:12,370 Graniteville. How about Fort Wadsworth? 460 00:18:12,404 --> 00:18:13,605 Do I hear anyone from 461 00:18:13,638 --> 00:18:15,574 Randall Manor?! 462 00:18:15,607 --> 00:18:18,044 All right! 463 00:18:18,077 --> 00:18:19,745 What? 464 00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:22,647 Oh, i-it-it's not what it looks like. 465 00:18:22,681 --> 00:18:24,984 I was just beating off 466 00:18:25,017 --> 00:18:26,819 to all your beautiful faces 467 00:18:26,853 --> 00:18:28,720 during the break, and I-I guess 468 00:18:28,754 --> 00:18:31,991 I forgot to pull up my-my pants. 469 00:18:32,024 --> 00:18:34,861 So, I waited, like, 470 00:18:34,894 --> 00:18:36,796 five hours at the gym 471 00:18:36,829 --> 00:18:39,098 to bump into my friend Alexander. 472 00:18:39,131 --> 00:18:42,034 Then, when he finally did show up... 473 00:18:42,068 --> 00:18:44,837 Alexander! Come on. Oh, Alexander! 474 00:18:44,871 --> 00:18:45,938 I don't know. 475 00:18:45,972 --> 00:18:49,041 Maybe I rushed things a little with my big reveal. 476 00:18:49,075 --> 00:18:52,178 Alexander! Ta-da! 477 00:18:52,211 --> 00:18:53,779 Twins. 478 00:18:53,813 --> 00:18:55,047 Alexander, wait. 479 00:18:55,081 --> 00:18:57,083 I got to get out of this fucking city. 480 00:18:57,116 --> 00:18:58,416 Alexander! 481 00:18:58,450 --> 00:19:00,019 The excitement of our friendship 482 00:19:00,052 --> 00:19:01,419 made me overlook my vampire powers. 483 00:19:01,453 --> 00:19:02,855 Hi. 484 00:19:02,889 --> 00:19:05,858 My foreskin grew back very fast. 485 00:19:05,892 --> 00:19:07,894 Now he thinks I'm meshuggener, 486 00:19:07,927 --> 00:19:11,130 which means he thinks I'm a little bit of a putz. 487 00:19:17,904 --> 00:19:19,504 Shh. 488 00:19:21,774 --> 00:19:23,209 Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss. 489 00:19:23,242 --> 00:19:24,576 No, don't stop, not on my account. 490 00:19:24,609 --> 00:19:26,078 Keep going. 491 00:19:26,112 --> 00:19:28,147 Now, I know I'm different from you people, 492 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:29,514 but I am who I am. 493 00:19:29,547 --> 00:19:31,183 "And who are you?" I hear you ask. 494 00:19:31,217 --> 00:19:33,185 - Fuck's sake. - -Well, that's a good question. 495 00:19:33,219 --> 00:19:35,221 I... 496 00:19:35,254 --> 00:19:37,722 am an esteemed British gentleman, 497 00:19:37,757 --> 00:19:39,191 well-bred to the manor born. 498 00:19:39,225 --> 00:19:41,227 I can speak 14 languages, 499 00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,560 as long as they are English. 500 00:19:42,594 --> 00:19:44,196 I can play any instrument, 501 00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:45,898 apart from bagpipes. 502 00:19:45,932 --> 00:19:47,900 They sound fucking terrible to everyone. 503 00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:49,802 I can fashion any tree, 504 00:19:49,835 --> 00:19:51,569 any hedge, into a vulva. 505 00:19:51,603 --> 00:19:53,605 In the days before medicine, I survived 506 00:19:53,638 --> 00:19:56,142 gonorrhea, chlamydia, 507 00:19:56,175 --> 00:19:59,245 the plague, clubfoot, leprosy, 508 00:19:59,278 --> 00:20:01,814 black fever, yellow fever, 509 00:20:01,847 --> 00:20:03,749 night fever. 510 00:20:03,783 --> 00:20:06,085 But most important, and I must emphasize 511 00:20:06,118 --> 00:20:08,120 that this is the most important thing about me: 512 00:20:08,154 --> 00:20:11,123 I am a certified 513 00:20:11,157 --> 00:20:12,657 master cocksman. 514 00:20:12,691 --> 00:20:14,260 To cut this short 515 00:20:14,293 --> 00:20:15,928 and to get straight to the point, 516 00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:19,131 you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves. 517 00:20:19,165 --> 00:20:20,232 Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo. 518 00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:23,069 Very hard. 519 00:20:26,538 --> 00:20:27,139 What's she doing, my love? 520 00:20:27,173 --> 00:20:29,507 What's happening? 521 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:39,218 By some stroke of dumb luck, 522 00:20:39,251 --> 00:20:42,121 my new family absolutely bloody love Laszlo. 523 00:20:42,154 --> 00:20:45,024 You see, there is a tale in my country 524 00:20:45,057 --> 00:20:46,826 that has been passed down through generations 525 00:20:46,859 --> 00:20:48,828 of a wet-headed, 526 00:20:48,861 --> 00:20:51,163 wide-bodied, ignorant oaf, 527 00:20:51,197 --> 00:20:52,798 with the brains of a chewing gums. 528 00:20:52,832 --> 00:20:55,768 This spirit is said to continually reincarnate itself, 529 00:20:55,801 --> 00:20:58,703 but always as a pompous, perverted oaf. 530 00:20:58,738 --> 00:21:01,173 And my family think it is, well, 531 00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:02,842 Laszlo. 532 00:21:02,875 --> 00:21:05,710 And when you are in the presence of this spirit, 533 00:21:05,745 --> 00:21:08,680 it brings good luck and good fortune to everyone. 534 00:21:08,713 --> 00:21:10,049 Hello there. How are you? 535 00:21:10,082 --> 00:21:12,151 Vasiliás Pyuroni. 536 00:21:12,184 --> 00:21:14,253 The king of pigs. 537 00:21:14,286 --> 00:21:16,989 My king of pigs. 538 00:21:18,290 --> 00:21:21,559 He's very, very, very stupid. 539 00:21:21,593 --> 00:21:24,864 I want to say to my young boys, 540 00:21:24,897 --> 00:21:27,066 uh, Connor and Cra-- 541 00:21:27,099 --> 00:21:29,201 Christoph... pher, 542 00:21:29,235 --> 00:21:32,570 to them, I say I'm sorry, Daddy's coming home. 543 00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:37,575 I-I'd like to say a few words myself. 544 00:21:38,676 --> 00:21:40,913 Thank you in advance 545 00:21:40,946 --> 00:21:44,216 for respecting my family's privacy-- 546 00:21:44,250 --> 00:21:47,286 don't touch me-- 547 00:21:47,319 --> 00:21:51,090 while we deal with this isolated incident 548 00:21:51,123 --> 00:21:54,126 in which my husband 549 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,829 flashed and mooned 550 00:21:56,862 --> 00:21:59,031 the beautiful voters 551 00:21:59,065 --> 00:22:00,698 of Staten Island 552 00:22:00,733 --> 00:22:03,601 after a poorly-timed 553 00:22:03,635 --> 00:22:05,337 masturbation sesh. 554 00:22:05,371 --> 00:22:09,175 As well as the isolated incident in which 555 00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:11,609 we woke up to 556 00:22:11,643 --> 00:22:13,913 what sounded like a burglar in our house, 557 00:22:13,946 --> 00:22:16,215 and my husband immediately yelled, 558 00:22:16,248 --> 00:22:19,118 "Take her and my kids, don't take me" 559 00:22:19,151 --> 00:22:20,820 before realizing 560 00:22:20,853 --> 00:22:23,289 it was just a racoon outside our house. 561 00:22:24,256 --> 00:22:26,624 This man has let us all down. 562 00:22:26,658 --> 00:22:28,127 But I will make it up to you 563 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,063 by becoming your next borough comptroller. 564 00:22:32,431 --> 00:22:33,866 All right! 565 00:22:39,438 --> 00:22:41,207 I was surprised that 566 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,810 Evie ran in my place. Only 567 00:22:44,844 --> 00:22:46,912 18 people voted. 568 00:22:46,946 --> 00:22:48,646 So, with the write-in votes 569 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,416 that Evie got from her 570 00:22:50,449 --> 00:22:52,351 breakup group-- 571 00:22:52,384 --> 00:22:54,987 well, it was enough to carry the day. 572 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:56,422 I think she'll do 573 00:22:56,455 --> 00:22:58,190 the council proud. I-I'm 574 00:22:58,224 --> 00:23:00,692 -happy for her. -Colin Robinson. 575 00:23:00,725 --> 00:23:03,329 Evie Russell. What are you doing here? 576 00:23:03,362 --> 00:23:05,697 I wanted to let you know... 577 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,435 I'm sad. 578 00:23:09,468 --> 00:23:12,938 Why? I thought you'd enjoy being comptroller. 579 00:23:12,972 --> 00:23:15,707 I'm sad because 580 00:23:15,741 --> 00:23:17,409 we can't see each other anymore. 581 00:23:18,844 --> 00:23:21,180 But maybe you and I 582 00:23:21,213 --> 00:23:24,316 could meet up every once in a while 583 00:23:24,350 --> 00:23:27,119 -and later... -I don't want to do that. 584 00:23:27,153 --> 00:23:29,221 -But maybe w-we can-- -I-I'm sorry. 585 00:23:29,255 --> 00:23:32,057 -I should give this back to you. -Yeah, I want this back. 586 00:23:32,091 --> 00:23:34,426 I hope you didn't pay too much for it. 587 00:23:34,460 --> 00:23:36,095 It gave me a rash, so I think it's made of 588 00:23:36,128 --> 00:23:37,695 some kind of really cheap metal. 589 00:23:37,730 --> 00:23:39,165 It's not metal. 590 00:23:39,198 --> 00:23:41,367 Oh. Well... 591 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,236 I wish it didn't have to be this way. 592 00:23:47,373 --> 00:23:49,775 Evie, wh-why? 593 00:23:49,808 --> 00:23:52,111 It's... 594 00:23:52,144 --> 00:23:54,280 complicated. 595 00:23:57,449 --> 00:23:59,084 Nancy Meyers, 596 00:23:59,118 --> 00:24:00,319 2009. 597 00:24:02,755 --> 00:24:06,192 ♪ Don't say goodbye, don't make me cry ♪ 598 00:24:06,225 --> 00:24:08,827 ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ 599 00:24:08,861 --> 00:24:12,498 ♪ It would only break my heart ♪ 600 00:24:12,531 --> 00:24:14,733 ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop... ♪ 601 00:24:16,268 --> 00:24:18,170 Nothing like spending some quality time with old frien-- 602 00:24:18,204 --> 00:24:19,738 Shh! Shut the fuck up. 603 00:24:19,772 --> 00:24:21,807 I'm trying to watch a movie here. 604 00:24:24,343 --> 00:24:28,414 ♪ Don't say goodbye, don't make me cry ♪ 605 00:24:28,447 --> 00:24:30,382 ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ 606 00:24:30,416 --> 00:24:34,119 ♪ It would only break my heart ♪ 607 00:24:34,153 --> 00:24:36,488 ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ 608 00:24:36,522 --> 00:24:39,959 ♪ If you ever, ever leave ♪ 609 00:24:39,992 --> 00:24:42,494 ♪ Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪ 610 00:24:42,528 --> 00:24:45,364 ♪ Then you know ♪ 611 00:24:45,397 --> 00:24:48,767 ♪ Don't say goodbye, don't make me cry ♪ 612 00:24:51,804 --> 00:24:55,207 ♪ Don't ever take your love from me ♪ 613 00:24:57,576 --> 00:25:00,412 ♪ Our love could last eternally ♪ 614 00:25:00,446 --> 00:25:05,451 ♪ Eternally. ♪