1 00:00:04,824 --> 00:00:05,892 Good evening, New Yorkers, 2 00:00:05,925 --> 00:00:08,360 and welcome to Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00. 3 00:00:08,393 --> 00:00:10,763 -I'm Ted Spinelli. -And I'm Lisa Lipton. 4 00:00:10,796 --> 00:00:13,131 A big day in news across the city, 5 00:00:13,164 --> 00:00:14,734 but we begin in Staten Island, 6 00:00:14,767 --> 00:00:17,537 where a water main break in the West New Brighton neighborhood 7 00:00:17,570 --> 00:00:20,238 left the streets looking more like rivers. 8 00:00:20,272 --> 00:00:22,675 Joanna Roscoe is live from Staten Island now. 9 00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:24,209 That's right, Lisa. 10 00:00:24,242 --> 00:00:26,546 This was the scene just hours ago 11 00:00:26,579 --> 00:00:30,382 on what is usually considered a quiet residential street. 12 00:00:30,415 --> 00:00:32,250 Now, as you can see behind me, 13 00:00:32,284 --> 00:00:34,252 city workers have managed to stop 14 00:00:34,286 --> 00:00:35,688 the street-level flooding, 15 00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:38,658 but underground flooding still remains a concern. 16 00:00:38,691 --> 00:00:40,425 Oh, boy. That means a messy commute home 17 00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,460 for a few Staten Islanders, right, Joanna? 18 00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:43,663 Yeah, it sure does. 19 00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:45,397 Now I am here with a local resident 20 00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:47,733 who has been watching the situation closely. 21 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,367 His name is Nandor... 22 00:00:49,401 --> 00:00:51,336 Nandor the Relentless. 23 00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,138 Nandor De Laurentis. 24 00:00:53,171 --> 00:00:55,641 Now, Nandor, you live in this neighborhood, correct? 25 00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:57,610 Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do. 26 00:00:57,643 --> 00:00:59,444 In that house just over there. 27 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,113 With my friends. It's fun. 28 00:01:02,147 --> 00:01:03,281 Great. 29 00:01:03,315 --> 00:01:05,818 And as I understand, you were on the street 30 00:01:05,851 --> 00:01:07,587 when the water main broke. Can you tell us about that? 31 00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:08,854 Yes, I can, Joanna. 32 00:01:08,888 --> 00:01:10,890 I was going for my evening stroll, 33 00:01:10,923 --> 00:01:12,692 which I do for my mental health 34 00:01:12,725 --> 00:01:14,560 as well as for my physical health, 35 00:01:14,594 --> 00:01:16,596 and then, all of a sudden, crash! 36 00:01:16,629 --> 00:01:19,164 Burst! 37 00:01:19,197 --> 00:01:20,533 Water, it shoots 38 00:01:20,566 --> 00:01:22,300 into the air, and then, like, 39 00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,536 all over the street. 40 00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,437 Now, Nandor, have you seen an incident 41 00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:27,640 in this area like this before? 42 00:01:27,673 --> 00:01:31,142 Not since the great flood in 1892, Joanna. 43 00:01:31,176 --> 00:01:32,712 That was a big boy. 44 00:01:32,745 --> 00:01:34,513 1892. 45 00:01:34,547 --> 00:01:38,450 Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892. 46 00:01:38,483 --> 00:01:41,587 1992. 47 00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:44,557 Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892? 48 00:01:44,590 --> 00:01:47,258 Give me this guy's skin care secrets. 49 00:01:47,292 --> 00:01:50,228 Because 1892 was a year that was not 50 00:01:50,261 --> 00:01:52,197 in my, uh, human lifespan, 51 00:01:52,230 --> 00:01:55,333 but 1992 most definitely was. 52 00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,335 It's 2023 now... 53 00:01:57,369 --> 00:01:59,705 -Right. -...and it was 1992 then. 54 00:01:59,739 --> 00:02:01,439 And I have been living in Staten Island 55 00:02:01,473 --> 00:02:02,842 for many centuries. 56 00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:04,342 Many centuries. 57 00:02:04,376 --> 00:02:07,412 Well, it looks like we have discovered 58 00:02:07,445 --> 00:02:10,248 the secret to eternal life. 59 00:02:10,281 --> 00:02:12,752 Now, I do have a... 60 00:02:12,785 --> 00:02:15,821 Well, Ted and Lisa, I will be here, 61 00:02:15,855 --> 00:02:18,323 on the ground, monitoring the situation 62 00:02:18,356 --> 00:02:20,358 as it develops. Back to you. 63 00:02:20,392 --> 00:02:23,529 Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it. 64 00:02:25,698 --> 00:02:28,266 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 65 00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:30,670 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 66 00:02:30,703 --> 00:02:33,405 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 67 00:02:33,438 --> 00:02:36,341 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 68 00:02:37,777 --> 00:02:40,813 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 69 00:02:40,846 --> 00:02:43,616 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 70 00:02:43,649 --> 00:02:45,885 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 71 00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:47,987 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 72 00:02:58,329 --> 00:03:00,666 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 73 00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,300 From the diaphragm. 74 00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,301 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 75 00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:04,904 Guillermo! 76 00:03:04,937 --> 00:03:06,706 Gizmo is not here. 77 00:03:06,739 --> 00:03:08,841 Colin Robinson, turn on the television. 78 00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:09,942 Channel 8. 79 00:03:09,975 --> 00:03:11,476 Your arms broken? 80 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,012 Please! 81 00:03:13,045 --> 00:03:14,013 All right. 82 00:03:14,046 --> 00:03:15,715 This is go... 83 00:03:15,748 --> 00:03:17,016 But there is some worry that... 84 00:03:17,049 --> 00:03:18,450 Huh. 85 00:03:18,483 --> 00:03:20,485 That's our street. Huh. Well, that's neat. 86 00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:21,754 That is not neat. 87 00:03:21,787 --> 00:03:23,354 I may have committed 88 00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:26,357 an unforgivable and irreversible blunder. 89 00:03:26,391 --> 00:03:28,627 Okay, Nandor, don't get your knickers in a twist. 90 00:03:28,661 --> 00:03:30,863 I-I accidentally told this Joanna Roscoe 91 00:03:30,896 --> 00:03:33,999 that we have lived in this street for many centuries. 92 00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,433 You did what? 93 00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,770 And now she and all of the viewers 94 00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:40,039 of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00 95 00:03:40,072 --> 00:03:42,373 know that we are vampires. 96 00:03:42,407 --> 00:03:43,776 And now-- 97 00:03:43,809 --> 00:03:45,578 And now all of the humans are going to 98 00:03:45,611 --> 00:03:46,812 drive us out of Staten Island 99 00:03:46,846 --> 00:03:48,346 like they drove us out of the Old Country. 100 00:03:48,379 --> 00:03:50,616 Alea iacta est. 101 00:03:50,649 --> 00:03:52,450 Game over. 102 00:03:52,484 --> 00:03:54,620 No, no! 103 00:03:54,653 --> 00:03:55,988 This time, we fight! 104 00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,423 This is our last stand! 105 00:03:59,759 --> 00:04:01,627 -Who's with me? -Me! 106 00:04:02,995 --> 00:04:04,764 Silence! 107 00:04:04,797 --> 00:04:06,565 I have a plan. 108 00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:09,535 I think we should kill Joanna Roscoe. 109 00:04:09,568 --> 00:04:12,071 And what would that solve? 110 00:04:12,104 --> 00:04:14,006 Do you have any better ideas? 111 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,909 Where is Guillermo?! 112 00:04:18,409 --> 00:04:20,980 So, yeah, tonight's kind of a farewell, 113 00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:22,681 goodbye dinner for me and my mom. 114 00:04:22,715 --> 00:04:24,083 She doesn't know that it's a goodbye, 115 00:04:24,116 --> 00:04:25,918 but when I become a full vampire, 116 00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:27,385 it won't be safe for my family, 117 00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:29,555 or for me because 118 00:04:29,588 --> 00:04:31,791 they are vampire killers, 119 00:04:31,824 --> 00:04:33,726 and I'll be a vampire. 120 00:04:33,759 --> 00:04:35,027 It's kind of heavy, actually, 121 00:04:35,060 --> 00:04:37,563 if you think about it. 122 00:04:37,596 --> 00:04:39,031 No one imagines they'll have to say 123 00:04:39,064 --> 00:04:40,966 a final goodbye to their mom, but... 124 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,935 here we are. 125 00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,670 Mami. 126 00:04:44,703 --> 00:04:47,338 Oh. Oh, everyone's here. I thought it was just going 127 00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:48,707 -to be you and me. -Hi. 128 00:04:48,741 --> 00:04:50,910 Oh, Tía. Wow, you're also here. 129 00:04:53,846 --> 00:04:55,681 You hungry? You hungry? 130 00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:57,917 Hey, Memo. 131 00:04:57,950 --> 00:04:59,552 These guys are still doing that documentary 132 00:04:59,585 --> 00:05:01,120 on losers who work at the railroad, huh? 133 00:05:01,153 --> 00:05:02,487 -All right. -Ah, I'm just playing. 134 00:05:02,521 --> 00:05:03,689 -Okay. -Hey, we're putting my tía's 135 00:05:03,722 --> 00:05:05,658 -gifts right there. -Hmm? 136 00:05:05,691 --> 00:05:07,660 The gifts. 137 00:05:07,693 --> 00:05:11,096 Wait, you didn't bring a gift for your own mama's birthday? 138 00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:12,598 So, funny thing. 139 00:05:12,631 --> 00:05:13,999 In the middle of, uh, 140 00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:15,901 making it a big day about me, 141 00:05:15,935 --> 00:05:19,404 I totally forgot that it's a big day for her. 142 00:05:19,437 --> 00:05:21,607 It's her birthday, 143 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,043 but birthday or no, I need to do this. 144 00:05:24,076 --> 00:05:26,078 Mami, Mami. 145 00:05:27,445 --> 00:05:28,714 Can I talk to you in private, please? 146 00:05:33,451 --> 00:05:36,655 ...local resident Nandor, who has some insights. 147 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,429 ...part of a pattern of local infrastructure failures? 148 00:05:44,462 --> 00:05:46,699 Yes, Joanna. If I may... 149 00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:52,104 To the millions and millions of viewers 150 00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:55,174 of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00, 151 00:05:55,207 --> 00:05:57,042 you will forget... 152 00:05:57,076 --> 00:05:59,712 Apologies to Joanna and Mr. De Laurentis, 153 00:05:59,745 --> 00:06:02,147 but we have some breaking news. 154 00:06:02,181 --> 00:06:03,682 The National Weather Service has announced 155 00:06:03,716 --> 00:06:06,051 a severe thunderstorm warning for the city. 156 00:06:06,085 --> 00:06:08,419 We now go to meteorologist Heather Dupont... 157 00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:17,062 I leave the house for one fucking minute... 158 00:06:17,096 --> 00:06:18,697 Memo! 159 00:06:28,874 --> 00:06:31,442 It's not a big deal, as long as they just... 160 00:06:31,476 --> 00:06:32,678 answer the fucking phone. 161 00:06:32,711 --> 00:06:33,979 Fucking hell. 162 00:06:34,013 --> 00:06:35,480 Damn! 163 00:06:35,514 --> 00:06:37,583 Look out, look out! 164 00:06:37,616 --> 00:06:39,818 Oh, fuck this. Ah! 165 00:06:39,852 --> 00:06:41,620 - Should I answer that? - Announcement. 166 00:06:41,654 --> 00:06:44,556 After methodical analysis, I have decided 167 00:06:44,590 --> 00:06:45,891 that it is not a good idea 168 00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:47,993 to kill Joanna Roscoe. 169 00:06:48,027 --> 00:06:49,595 No shit, you human fart. 170 00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:51,462 Now, help me booby-trap the staircase. 171 00:06:51,496 --> 00:06:52,898 Maybe I should just take it off the hook? 172 00:06:52,932 --> 00:06:53,832 Hello? 173 00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:57,703 Colin Robinson, now is not the time for decorating. 174 00:06:57,736 --> 00:06:59,071 Get your fucking go-bag. 175 00:06:59,104 --> 00:07:00,739 Vampires must always 176 00:07:00,773 --> 00:07:02,473 be prepared to skip out of town 177 00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:03,609 at a moment's notice. 178 00:07:03,642 --> 00:07:06,178 I have been chased out of five, maybe six 179 00:07:06,211 --> 00:07:07,947 villages over the course of my vampiric life, 180 00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:09,915 and believe me, you don't want to be 181 00:07:09,949 --> 00:07:12,685 caught out there fleeing with only the clothes on your back, 182 00:07:12,718 --> 00:07:14,853 sleeping at the bottom of a cold well, 183 00:07:14,887 --> 00:07:16,487 sucking on the throats of the mountain goats 184 00:07:16,522 --> 00:07:17,389 you once called your brothers. 185 00:07:17,423 --> 00:07:20,125 No. So, what was the first thing I did 186 00:07:20,159 --> 00:07:21,527 when I moved to Staten Island? 187 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:22,928 I made the go-bags. 188 00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:25,631 I have decided on a multi-part plan. 189 00:07:25,664 --> 00:07:26,732 The first part of which: 190 00:07:26,765 --> 00:07:29,134 Kidnap Joanna Roscoe. 191 00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:30,536 And how is that going to help? 192 00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:31,503 Takes us to step two. 193 00:07:31,537 --> 00:07:33,772 Everybody, 194 00:07:33,806 --> 00:07:35,674 in your go-bags you will find 195 00:07:35,708 --> 00:07:37,643 your emergency fleeing checklist. 196 00:07:37,676 --> 00:07:38,677 Okay. 197 00:07:38,711 --> 00:07:40,179 "Ancestral soils." 198 00:07:40,212 --> 00:07:41,213 Check. 199 00:07:41,246 --> 00:07:43,649 "Three days' supply of blood." 200 00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:44,950 Eh... Oof. 201 00:07:44,984 --> 00:07:47,052 A little bit rank, but check. 202 00:07:47,086 --> 00:07:49,755 "Memorize new identity." 203 00:07:49,788 --> 00:07:51,090 "Oh, hello. 204 00:07:51,123 --> 00:07:52,758 "My name is Sally Rhubarb. 205 00:07:52,791 --> 00:07:55,694 "I am a blonde girl from a large farm, 206 00:07:55,728 --> 00:08:00,132 and my blackberry pie wins every year at the county fair." 207 00:08:00,165 --> 00:08:01,133 -Don't sit there. -Why not? 208 00:08:01,166 --> 00:08:02,534 Because. 209 00:08:03,902 --> 00:08:06,305 - The whole ground floor is booby-trapped 210 00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:07,473 for our final stand. 211 00:08:07,506 --> 00:08:09,575 Oh, yes, because the attackers first thing they will do 212 00:08:09,608 --> 00:08:11,043 is come down and take a nice rest. 213 00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:13,145 I think you're all wasting valuable time. 214 00:08:13,178 --> 00:08:15,247 -Thank you. -What you need to do 215 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:16,882 is get a kidnapping sack. 216 00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:18,250 No, you need to get your go-bag. 217 00:08:18,283 --> 00:08:20,019 And you need to trust the plan. 218 00:08:20,052 --> 00:08:22,154 -Get your go-bag. -Trust the plan. 219 00:08:22,187 --> 00:08:24,690 -Get your go-bag. -Trust... 220 00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:26,992 Hey, you two may want to have your argument 221 00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,028 away from the chandelier fall zone. 222 00:08:29,061 --> 00:08:30,763 - Also, mind the trip wire. - Fucking hell. 223 00:08:32,364 --> 00:08:34,299 -Places, places! -It's all right. It's all right, my darling. 224 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:35,734 I'll protect you. 225 00:08:35,768 --> 00:08:37,903 -This is it. This is our final stand. -Be calm. 226 00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:40,873 Would you stop fucking saying that, Colin Robinson? 227 00:08:40,906 --> 00:08:42,174 Step back, my darling. 228 00:08:42,207 --> 00:08:44,176 Friends, fear not. 229 00:08:45,077 --> 00:08:47,346 I went back to Channel 8 News Live at 7:00 230 00:08:47,379 --> 00:08:49,181 and hypnotized the audience, so... 231 00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:50,783 We saw. 232 00:08:50,816 --> 00:08:53,285 And no, you did not hypnotize anyone, Nandor. 233 00:08:53,318 --> 00:08:54,420 Those television humans 234 00:08:54,453 --> 00:08:55,921 interrupted your blather with a warning of a storm. 235 00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:58,657 This is all Guillermo's fault! 236 00:08:58,690 --> 00:09:01,060 - He's not back yet, is he? - No. 237 00:09:01,093 --> 00:09:03,729 Also, why is your hair yellow, Nadja? 238 00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:04,863 -I am not Nadja. -Oh. 239 00:09:04,897 --> 00:09:05,931 I am Sally Rhubarb. 240 00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:07,666 There is only one way out of this: 241 00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:10,302 We must kill Joanna Roscoe. 242 00:09:10,335 --> 00:09:12,838 Which were my thoughts exactly, 243 00:09:12,871 --> 00:09:14,239 but if you follow "Arrow F," 244 00:09:14,273 --> 00:09:16,341 you'll find a far more sophisticated plan. 245 00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:18,610 "Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"? 246 00:09:18,644 --> 00:09:20,112 Which is step one of the plan. 247 00:09:20,145 --> 00:09:22,614 -And then what? -Step two. 248 00:09:23,782 --> 00:09:26,752 Welcome back to Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00. 249 00:09:26,785 --> 00:09:29,221 We'll check in with Joanna Roscoe, but first... 250 00:09:29,254 --> 00:09:31,123 And then I saw that diesel was as cheap as gas. 251 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,691 So I took it back to the rent-a-car spot 252 00:09:32,724 --> 00:09:33,959 and say, "Hey, homie, how am I supposed to know 253 00:09:33,992 --> 00:09:35,828 Corollas don't take diesel?" 254 00:09:35,861 --> 00:09:37,696 Guillermo? 255 00:09:37,729 --> 00:09:39,264 - Are you okay? - You know what? 256 00:09:39,298 --> 00:09:40,899 He doesn't listen, all right? Don't even bother. 257 00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,635 I'm listening. 258 00:09:43,669 --> 00:09:44,636 That's what it is. The screens. 259 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,071 You need to cut that shit off, cold turkey. 260 00:09:46,105 --> 00:09:48,240 Just like I did with the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma? 261 00:09:48,273 --> 00:09:51,009 Guillermo, you're working too much. It's not healthy. 262 00:09:51,043 --> 00:09:52,211 You need to be healthy like I am. 263 00:09:52,244 --> 00:09:53,378 No Sierra Mist, 264 00:09:53,412 --> 00:09:54,713 no whack bosses. I told my last boss, 265 00:09:54,746 --> 00:09:57,116 "Hey, jefe, you want to try to ruin my life like that? 266 00:09:57,149 --> 00:09:58,984 Boom. Toma." 267 00:10:00,219 --> 00:10:01,253 But, you know, you're probably too scared 268 00:10:01,286 --> 00:10:02,988 -to do that. -I'm not scared, Miguel. 269 00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,858 I'm not scared. I recently made a big move. 270 00:10:05,891 --> 00:10:09,661 My old boss kept promising me a promotion, 271 00:10:09,695 --> 00:10:10,796 and I got tired of waiting. 272 00:10:10,829 --> 00:10:12,197 Wow. 273 00:10:12,231 --> 00:10:13,799 Yeah, yeah. 274 00:10:13,832 --> 00:10:14,933 So I'm here. 275 00:10:16,969 --> 00:10:18,103 -Are you here, though? -Yeah, I'm here. 276 00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,071 Why are you still all on your phone, then? 277 00:10:19,104 --> 00:10:21,206 Because, it's the transition. I haven't... 278 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,041 officially left the old railroad, 279 00:10:23,075 --> 00:10:25,944 and, uh, haven't officially started 280 00:10:25,978 --> 00:10:27,746 -the new one. -How many railroads even are there? 281 00:10:27,779 --> 00:10:30,716 Let's just eat, huh? Why don't we all just eat? 282 00:10:30,749 --> 00:10:34,253 I do not have a name in the traditional sense. 283 00:10:34,286 --> 00:10:36,221 And you said that you work for the city... 284 00:10:39,925 --> 00:10:41,260 Right, Joanna Roscoe. 285 00:10:41,293 --> 00:10:42,861 There will be damage. 286 00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:45,063 Bloodshed, too. 287 00:10:45,097 --> 00:10:47,966 This is why I propose a truce. 288 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,869 Because we are not so different, you and us. 289 00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:53,372 We all want peace. 290 00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:55,040 - Yello? - Hey, Sean, 291 00:10:55,073 --> 00:10:56,475 this is Guillermo from next door. 292 00:10:56,509 --> 00:10:59,978 Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'? What can I do for you? 293 00:11:00,012 --> 00:11:01,947 Yeah, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. 294 00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:04,149 If you can go next door and tell the vam... 295 00:11:04,183 --> 00:11:07,085 Uh, Laszlo and Nadja and everyone at the house 296 00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:08,487 if they could just, can they stay 297 00:11:08,521 --> 00:11:10,155 inside the house and just stay put 298 00:11:10,189 --> 00:11:12,057 until I get there? Could you do that for me, please? 299 00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:13,458 That's gonna be a little tricky. 300 00:11:13,492 --> 00:11:15,961 There's been a water main break on our street, 301 00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:18,830 and these TV fuckers parked their van 302 00:11:18,864 --> 00:11:21,033 -right on the front lawn... -And someone else is here. 303 00:11:21,066 --> 00:11:22,502 -...which I just resodded last year. -Sean? What are you doing? 304 00:11:22,535 --> 00:11:24,504 The territory of Staten Island 305 00:11:24,537 --> 00:11:28,473 can, nay, must be shared between our people... 306 00:11:28,508 --> 00:11:31,109 Looks like there's a lot of excitement over there. 307 00:11:31,143 --> 00:11:32,844 Speaking of excitement, 308 00:11:32,878 --> 00:11:35,881 you'll never guess what this Bronx seventh grader is doing 309 00:11:35,914 --> 00:11:38,116 to raise money for the rainforest. 310 00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:42,120 A nine-step plan! 311 00:11:42,154 --> 00:11:44,790 -Make sure it's bloody straight, you idiot. -Yes. 312 00:11:44,823 --> 00:11:47,192 Reason and diplomacy did not work, 313 00:11:47,226 --> 00:11:48,360 as you all saw. 314 00:11:48,393 --> 00:11:51,296 So let us do it. Let us flee. 315 00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:54,800 -Us? -Yes. 316 00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:56,268 And if they won't go, 317 00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:58,837 then it will be just you and I, into the night. 318 00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:01,773 Um, okay. C-Cool. 319 00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:03,842 I shall go prepare my disguise. 320 00:12:07,913 --> 00:12:10,015 So, bad news. 321 00:12:10,048 --> 00:12:12,552 There's been an emergency with, uh, a train. 322 00:12:12,585 --> 00:12:14,186 So I'm gonna have to head out. 323 00:12:14,219 --> 00:12:16,021 I called it, didn't I? 324 00:12:16,054 --> 00:12:18,357 Mami? Mami, can we just have that talk really quick, 325 00:12:18,390 --> 00:12:20,058 - the one I was telling you about? 326 00:12:20,092 --> 00:12:21,426 Gracias. Por favor. 327 00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:22,928 Hello? 328 00:12:22,961 --> 00:12:25,163 -Laszlo? Laszlo. -Who is this? 329 00:12:25,197 --> 00:12:26,431 Sorry, Mom. Por favor. 330 00:12:26,465 --> 00:12:27,432 What do you mean, "who is it"? It's Guillermo. 331 00:12:27,466 --> 00:12:29,134 Oh, Gizmo. What do you want? 332 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:30,302 What the hell's going on over there? 333 00:12:30,335 --> 00:12:31,903 Can't talk right now. 334 00:12:31,937 --> 00:12:32,739 To cut a shit story short, 335 00:12:32,771 --> 00:12:34,306 -we've been found out. -Huh? 336 00:12:34,339 --> 00:12:36,041 The whole world knows 337 00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:38,443 that vampires are real and that we are they. 338 00:12:38,477 --> 00:12:39,911 Okay, Laszlo, just do me a favor. 339 00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,079 Just stay put, okay? I'll be over soon. 340 00:12:41,113 --> 00:12:42,447 Don't you tell me what to do. 341 00:12:42,481 --> 00:12:44,016 - Laszlo? - I have con... 342 00:12:44,049 --> 00:12:45,250 Laszlo? 343 00:12:45,284 --> 00:12:47,319 -That's too small, you prick. -Who's there with you? 344 00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:49,021 -You think? -Just stay put, okay? 345 00:12:49,054 --> 00:12:51,524 We have to get Joanna Roscoe's entire body in there. 346 00:12:51,557 --> 00:12:53,593 - No. What are you... - We need to get a grown woman in there. 347 00:12:53,626 --> 00:12:55,027 What are you... What are you doing? 348 00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:56,295 I think this bag is big enough. 349 00:12:56,328 --> 00:12:58,263 -All right, well, get in it. -Laszlo? 350 00:12:58,297 --> 00:12:59,865 -Okay. -What's going on? Laszlo? 351 00:12:59,898 --> 00:13:01,967 -Oy vey. Too small. -Too fucking small. 352 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,269 -If we are to kidnap Joanna Roscoe, -No! 353 00:13:04,303 --> 00:13:06,204 -we need a sack large enough for her entire body. -Beep, beep. 354 00:13:06,238 --> 00:13:09,274 Now, don't phone here again. We are incredibly busy. 355 00:13:09,308 --> 00:13:10,475 -Do not kidnap... -We don't need to be distracted. 356 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:12,844 Gizmo? Huh. 357 00:13:12,878 --> 00:13:15,847 Blasted boy, hung up on me. 358 00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:17,215 Fucking hell, Nandor. Get a bigger sack. 359 00:13:17,249 --> 00:13:19,117 Laszlo? 360 00:13:20,252 --> 00:13:23,121 -I found one! -No, Nandor. 361 00:13:23,155 --> 00:13:24,389 This is a very big bag. 362 00:13:24,423 --> 00:13:26,491 I tried it already. I fit. 363 00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:27,893 It's translucent. 364 00:13:27,926 --> 00:13:29,294 We could add a blindfold? 365 00:13:29,328 --> 00:13:30,329 Yes, but it would add time. 366 00:13:30,362 --> 00:13:31,463 Is anybody listening to me? 367 00:13:31,496 --> 00:13:34,866 You need to get your go-bags! 368 00:13:36,502 --> 00:13:37,969 -Mami? -Mm-hmm? 369 00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:28,053 No. 370 00:14:30,088 --> 00:14:31,390 No... 371 00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:23,341 How's it going? 372 00:15:25,711 --> 00:15:29,214 It was like this when I got here. 373 00:15:29,247 --> 00:15:32,685 So, this is it, then? This is really goodbye, 374 00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,554 my agápi mou. 375 00:15:34,587 --> 00:15:36,988 I'm afraid so, my mátia mou. 376 00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,558 I must see my plan through. 377 00:15:38,591 --> 00:15:40,593 It has many steps. 378 00:15:40,626 --> 00:15:42,027 - Ready! - Oh! 379 00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:43,395 Oh. 380 00:15:43,428 --> 00:15:44,496 So, when the villagers who are chasing us 381 00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,331 say they are looking for a blonde and a brunette... 382 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:50,001 Well, I guess I didn't really think it through. 383 00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:52,137 Housemates. 384 00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:53,238 Friends. 385 00:15:53,271 --> 00:15:54,339 The Guide. 386 00:15:54,372 --> 00:15:56,174 A great enemy is upon us. 387 00:15:57,275 --> 00:16:01,279 Joanna Roscoe and her army of Channel 8 viewers. 388 00:16:01,313 --> 00:16:03,014 This is not the first foe we have met, 389 00:16:03,048 --> 00:16:04,784 nor will it be the last. 390 00:16:04,817 --> 00:16:07,085 They may outnumber us, 391 00:16:07,118 --> 00:16:10,088 they may have a satellite truck 392 00:16:10,121 --> 00:16:13,391 and a Sky High chopper, whatever the fuck, 393 00:16:13,425 --> 00:16:15,126 but what do we have? 394 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,429 -Kidnapping sack. -Go-bags! -The skull of Orson Welles. 395 00:16:17,462 --> 00:16:18,531 Each other. 396 00:16:18,564 --> 00:16:19,565 -Oh. -Oh. 397 00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:22,100 Look at us, running around, this way and that, 398 00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,135 focusing on our own plans. 399 00:16:24,169 --> 00:16:25,705 We all have a part to play in this, 400 00:16:25,738 --> 00:16:27,405 and play it we must, 401 00:16:27,439 --> 00:16:29,642 -but together. -Hear, hear. 402 00:16:29,675 --> 00:16:31,176 -Thank you, Laszlo. -Now, get the fuck on with it 403 00:16:31,209 --> 00:16:33,445 Yes, this is all your fault, you know. 404 00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:37,182 For this shithole on Staten Island is our home, 405 00:16:37,215 --> 00:16:38,651 and 30 years from now, 406 00:16:38,684 --> 00:16:40,185 when you, Nadja, 407 00:16:40,218 --> 00:16:41,721 are sat there by that fireplace 408 00:16:41,754 --> 00:16:44,155 and you have a little ghost dolly on your knee, 409 00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:46,291 and she looks up at you, and she says, 410 00:16:46,324 --> 00:16:49,461 "What did you do during the great vampire battle?" 411 00:16:49,494 --> 00:16:51,697 Maybe you won't need to say to her, 412 00:16:51,731 --> 00:16:55,367 "Me, dolly? I was shoveling shit in Louisiana." 413 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,269 I would never do that. 414 00:16:57,302 --> 00:16:58,604 Okay, you guys, I'm back. 415 00:16:58,638 --> 00:17:02,073 No need to worry 'cause I have a plan... 416 00:17:03,308 --> 00:17:04,677 - Whoa. - Shit! 417 00:17:04,710 --> 00:17:06,244 For crying out loud. 418 00:17:08,648 --> 00:17:09,815 We are fine, Guillermo. 419 00:17:09,849 --> 00:17:11,416 In fact, we are better than fine. We are great. 420 00:17:11,449 --> 00:17:13,351 We have our own plan. 421 00:17:13,385 --> 00:17:14,452 Okay, I'm just trying to help cal-- 422 00:17:14,486 --> 00:17:16,556 Nadja, when did you go blonde? 423 00:17:16,589 --> 00:17:17,590 I mean, you look really-- 424 00:17:17,623 --> 00:17:18,724 I don't have time to tell you 425 00:17:18,758 --> 00:17:20,191 everything that you've missed, traitor. 426 00:17:20,225 --> 00:17:22,327 Look, I know I haven't been around, but-- 427 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,262 It's fine. I get it. 428 00:17:24,296 --> 00:17:26,331 You have your life and we have ours. 429 00:17:26,364 --> 00:17:27,600 And if tonight has taught us nothing else, 430 00:17:27,633 --> 00:17:28,734 then it has taught us this: 431 00:17:28,768 --> 00:17:32,572 We can survive quite easily without you. 432 00:17:36,374 --> 00:17:37,543 Well, okay, then. 433 00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:39,344 Wait, what? 434 00:17:39,377 --> 00:17:40,478 You seem to have everything under control, 435 00:17:40,513 --> 00:17:42,582 so good luck. 436 00:17:42,615 --> 00:17:44,584 I wouldn't go that way if I were you. 437 00:17:44,617 --> 00:17:46,786 -Why not? -Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty? 438 00:17:46,819 --> 00:17:49,822 A schrapnellmine in the authentic German? 439 00:17:54,894 --> 00:17:58,731 Our latest model is now showing that those mild showers 440 00:17:58,764 --> 00:18:00,198 won't be hitting the five boroughs 441 00:18:00,231 --> 00:18:02,602 until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest. 442 00:18:02,635 --> 00:18:03,669 All right, that's great news. Still time 443 00:18:03,703 --> 00:18:04,804 to pull in that lawn furniture. 444 00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:07,339 And speaking of unexpected waters, 445 00:18:07,372 --> 00:18:08,373 Joanna Roscoe is back 446 00:18:08,406 --> 00:18:09,508 with an update for us 447 00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:11,611 on that Staten Island water main break. 448 00:18:11,644 --> 00:18:13,378 What's it looking like, Joanna? 449 00:18:13,411 --> 00:18:16,616 Hi, Ted. I am happy to report 450 00:18:16,649 --> 00:18:17,917 that this story finally has 451 00:18:17,950 --> 00:18:19,518 a happy ending. 452 00:18:19,552 --> 00:18:21,453 The water main has been sealed, 453 00:18:21,486 --> 00:18:23,823 and the underground leaks have been brought 454 00:18:23,856 --> 00:18:24,890 under control. 455 00:18:24,924 --> 00:18:26,792 Now there is a small sinkhole, 456 00:18:26,826 --> 00:18:28,527 but the area has been cordoned off 457 00:18:28,561 --> 00:18:30,930 to prevent it from widening any further 458 00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,898 until we can get a street crew out here 459 00:18:32,932 --> 00:18:35,266 to fill it in the morning, but, hey, 460 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,503 at the risk of sounding overly optimistic, 461 00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:39,471 it looks like residents are on their way 462 00:18:39,505 --> 00:18:42,474 to having their street back any moment now. I... 463 00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:44,242 Wait. Wait! 464 00:18:44,275 --> 00:18:45,611 Kevin, you got this? 465 00:18:45,645 --> 00:18:47,345 Looks like this story is not quite over yet. 466 00:18:47,379 --> 00:18:50,716 A very odd and dangerous new development happening here. 467 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,585 -Whoa, whoa, whoa-- -Shit! 468 00:18:52,618 --> 00:18:53,919 Fucking idiots! 469 00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:55,453 An antique car has rolled into 470 00:18:55,487 --> 00:18:58,624 the sinkhole, and a group of locals 471 00:18:58,658 --> 00:19:00,626 are now working together to retrieve it. 472 00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:02,628 Initiate diversion, Colin Robinson. 473 00:19:02,662 --> 00:19:04,462 Initiate diversion. 474 00:19:04,496 --> 00:19:06,699 All right, there's a guy, and, uh, 475 00:19:06,732 --> 00:19:08,668 he doesn't work for us. 476 00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,670 Okay, and he's throwing fire in the van. Kev? 477 00:19:12,538 --> 00:19:13,906 Oh! Holy fuck. 478 00:19:16,408 --> 00:19:17,977 Nope, not my problem. 479 00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:20,613 All right, uh, apologies to our viewers, 480 00:19:20,646 --> 00:19:23,649 but it appears we have lost our Staten Island feed. 481 00:19:23,683 --> 00:19:25,551 We are working to contact our team 482 00:19:25,584 --> 00:19:27,753 to make sure everything is okay. 483 00:19:27,787 --> 00:19:29,254 Whoa. 484 00:19:31,289 --> 00:19:32,158 We lost the feed. We lost it. 485 00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:33,659 Are you getting this? Are you filming? 486 00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:35,360 Satellite's not transmitting to studio, 487 00:19:35,393 --> 00:19:36,729 -but I'm recording on the card. -Get it on the memory card. 488 00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:37,730 Do not stop. 489 00:19:38,864 --> 00:19:41,266 What is going on? Are they flying?! 490 00:19:41,299 --> 00:19:42,668 Oh, oh! 491 00:19:42,702 --> 00:19:44,269 Okay, call the station and tell them that 492 00:19:44,302 --> 00:19:45,738 -we're coming in with the footage. -Okay. 493 00:19:47,807 --> 00:19:49,608 - Excuse me. - What? 494 00:19:49,642 --> 00:19:52,878 I think Joanna caught us flying on tape. FYI. 495 00:19:52,912 --> 00:19:54,446 We need to follow that tape 496 00:19:54,479 --> 00:19:57,315 and steal that tape and destroy that tape. 497 00:19:57,348 --> 00:20:00,418 Absolutely, continue with the second part of the plan. 498 00:20:00,452 --> 00:20:01,921 This sounds like a slightly different plan. 499 00:20:01,954 --> 00:20:03,989 No, it's the same plan. Bat! 500 00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:09,528 Assholes! 501 00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:14,533 Apologies for the technical difficulties, folks, 502 00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:17,570 but I hear we have some truly inexplicable footage 503 00:20:17,603 --> 00:20:19,304 from Joanna en route. 504 00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:22,307 Hand it over, camera jockey. 505 00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:23,676 Show yourself, Joanna Roscoe. 506 00:20:23,709 --> 00:20:24,744 I got Joanna's camera! 507 00:20:24,777 --> 00:20:27,479 Ladies and gentlemen, one moment. 508 00:20:27,513 --> 00:20:29,982 Bit of confusion here in studio. 509 00:20:30,015 --> 00:20:31,984 I'll say. Who are you people? 510 00:20:32,017 --> 00:20:33,819 What are you doing in here? This is a closed set... 511 00:20:33,853 --> 00:20:37,322 You will fall asleep and forget everything 512 00:20:37,355 --> 00:20:39,024 that has happened here tonight. 513 00:20:39,992 --> 00:20:41,560 And then fall off your chair. 514 00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:42,962 What about all the people 515 00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:44,362 who just saw Lisa Lipton 516 00:20:44,395 --> 00:20:45,865 and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized? 517 00:20:45,898 --> 00:20:47,733 We go on and hypnotize them, too? 518 00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:49,735 Yes, good idea. 519 00:20:51,469 --> 00:20:55,074 To all of the viewers of the Channel 8 News, 520 00:20:55,107 --> 00:20:57,408 you will remember nothing 521 00:20:57,442 --> 00:21:00,646 out of the ordinary tonight. 522 00:21:00,679 --> 00:21:01,914 That is all ye know, 523 00:21:01,947 --> 00:21:04,083 and all ye need to know. 524 00:21:04,116 --> 00:21:07,520 Actually, pretty solid solution. 525 00:21:07,553 --> 00:21:08,888 Should we just leave now? 526 00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:10,823 No, that will look very suspicious 527 00:21:10,856 --> 00:21:12,892 to the humans that have just tuned in. 528 00:21:12,925 --> 00:21:14,627 Just read the words on the screen. 529 00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:16,427 Uh... 530 00:21:18,931 --> 00:21:20,933 Hip-hip pup-rade. 531 00:21:20,966 --> 00:21:23,035 Indeed. It is time again 532 00:21:23,068 --> 00:21:25,403 for Staten Island's annual puppy parade. 533 00:21:25,436 --> 00:21:27,807 Which is always a barking good time. 534 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,075 Here's hoping we have some nice weather 535 00:21:30,109 --> 00:21:32,778 for these promenading pooches. 536 00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:35,648 And now, let's turn it over to... 537 00:21:35,681 --> 00:21:37,650 Colin Robinson with the weather. 538 00:21:37,683 --> 00:21:40,953 Seems like a wet one out there tonight, 539 00:21:40,986 --> 00:21:42,453 right, Colin Robinson? 540 00:21:42,487 --> 00:21:43,556 Not as wet 541 00:21:43,589 --> 00:21:45,090 as it could have been, Nadja, 542 00:21:45,124 --> 00:21:46,792 but still, no fun for anyone 543 00:21:46,826 --> 00:21:49,360 who forgot their umbrella at home. 544 00:21:49,394 --> 00:21:50,361 Let's take a look at 545 00:21:50,395 --> 00:21:51,496 the News 8 WeatherWall 546 00:21:51,530 --> 00:21:53,699 with high Doppler action. 547 00:21:53,732 --> 00:21:55,801 And this patch right here, 548 00:21:55,835 --> 00:21:58,469 um... well, that's 549 00:21:58,504 --> 00:22:01,674 a little schmutz there on the old WeatherWall 550 00:22:01,707 --> 00:22:04,143 with high Doppler action. 551 00:22:04,176 --> 00:22:07,680 But this patch up here, this is a bit of good news. 552 00:22:07,713 --> 00:22:09,915 New Yorkers, you can rest easy tonight 553 00:22:09,949 --> 00:22:12,751 and enjoy a little sunshine this weekend. 554 00:22:12,785 --> 00:22:15,988 Perfect weather for a puppy parade. 555 00:22:16,021 --> 00:22:19,725 Our four-legged friends will certainly be happy to hear that. 556 00:22:19,758 --> 00:22:22,393 And now we turn to... 557 00:22:22,427 --> 00:22:23,996 Laszlo Cravensworth, 558 00:22:24,029 --> 00:22:28,133 who better be telling me my New York football Giants 559 00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:32,838 are raring to go for Sunday's game against the Cowboys. 560 00:22:32,872 --> 00:22:34,607 Thanks, Nandor. 561 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,076 From your lips to Coach Daboll's ears. 562 00:22:37,109 --> 00:22:39,410 Big Blue is having a big season, 563 00:22:39,444 --> 00:22:41,580 but the Cowboys are on a roll themselves. 564 00:22:41,614 --> 00:22:44,750 So let's just say that for either team, 565 00:22:44,783 --> 00:22:46,719 the road to a W is going to be paved 566 00:22:46,752 --> 00:22:49,755 with blood, sweat and tears. 567 00:22:49,788 --> 00:22:51,957 Here's my lovely wife Nadja. 568 00:22:53,058 --> 00:22:54,660 Thank you, my love. 569 00:22:54,693 --> 00:22:57,428 Well, that is it for us tonight, New York. 570 00:22:57,462 --> 00:23:00,799 And from everyone at Channel 8 News: 571 00:23:00,833 --> 00:23:02,067 -Goodbye. -Goodbye. 572 00:23:02,101 --> 00:23:03,535 Goodbye. 573 00:23:03,569 --> 00:23:04,870 Bye, then. 574 00:23:04,904 --> 00:23:07,740 That's it, try and look normal. 575 00:23:19,551 --> 00:23:21,186 Well, good. 576 00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:23,889 I don't want anything bad to happen to them, so... 577 00:23:23,923 --> 00:23:25,824 I guess I always imagined the hardest part 578 00:23:25,858 --> 00:23:28,661 of being a vampire was keeping your identity a secret, 579 00:23:28,694 --> 00:23:31,864 but I guess the hardest part is... 580 00:23:31,897 --> 00:23:34,465 who you leave behind. 581 00:23:34,499 --> 00:23:36,068 You know? 582 00:23:36,101 --> 00:23:37,836 The goodbyes. 583 00:23:53,252 --> 00:23:54,820 Whoa! 584 00:23:54,853 --> 00:23:56,722 What the fuck is going on?!