1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,103
[screams]
2
00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,239
...between being a human
and a vampire.
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,440
[grunts]
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,375
[screeches]
5
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,712
"Not a human,
not yet a vampire,"
6
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,447
to paraphrase
one of your contemporary
7
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,182
musical troubadours.
8
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,685
Now, I've turned
my attention to isolating
9
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:20,420
the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
10
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,724
It's a very complex
scientific procedure
11
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,459
where I mix his DNA
12
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:28,028
with the DNA of stray animals
13
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,530
just to see what shakes.
14
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,299
So, I began by fusing him
with a swine.
15
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,634
All very good.
16
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,136
And a frog--
Frog not so happy,
17
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,271
- but it's just a frog.
- [frog ribbits]
18
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,340
This beaker for the dog,
19
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,774
and this one for you.
20
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,712
- Mm.
- [Laszlo] Oh, shit.
21
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,213
I just realized I got those
the wrong way around.
22
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,681
- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that--
23
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,450
That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
24
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,052
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
25
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,188
- Urine sample? For--
- To refill the beakers.
26
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,456
[retching]
27
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,291
[door slams]
28
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,326
- [Laszlo] Ha-ha!
- Laszlo's been in there
for three days
29
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,328
- and three nights now.
I think he's on the verge
- Success!
30
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:02,363
- of a breakthrough.
- [crash]
- Aw, shit.
31
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,665
[door opens]
32
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,266
Well?
33
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,802
I don't know
how to put this lightly,
34
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,204
but you're fucked.
35
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,472
And while we're being blunt,
36
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,707
you are what
the scientific community
37
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:17,511
refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
38
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,581
So... that's it?
You're just gonna give up on me?
39
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,049
I'm not gonna give up on you,
40
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,417
I'm gonna give up
on the experiments.
41
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,419
And I'd like you
to do one thing for me.
42
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,653
Anything.
Whatever you want.
43
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,659
- [bleating]
- [Guillermo] What are those?
44
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,028
[Laszlo] Those-- well, they're
just some of the results
45
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:35,663
of my experiments with your DNA.
46
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,397
Kill them.
47
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,635
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
48
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,238
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
49
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,640
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
50
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,077
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
51
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,312
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
52
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,784
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
53
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,587
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
54
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,056
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
55
00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:04,157
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
56
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,097
♪ ♪
57
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,170
[Nadja]
These are words for "money"
58
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,204
in America.
59
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,806
So I have been teaching a class
60
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,674
in Little Antipaxos on
61
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,143
assimilating to America.
62
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,646
I have been helping them master
everyday skills
63
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,448
such as language proficiency.
64
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,416
[New York accent]
Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!
65
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,685
Learn better driving etiquette,
you piece of shit!
66
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,721
I just spilled my coffee!
67
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,189
[regular accent]
Write it down.
68
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,824
Typical American industries.
69
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,660
Films, newspapers, beef.
70
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,728
Write it down.
71
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,062
And I told them the words
72
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,731
to the colonial patriot hymn,
73
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,132
which is the song of the nation.
74
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,601
♪ Burgers and fries ♪
75
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,169
♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
76
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,138
♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪
Yeehaw!
77
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,506
Also,
78
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,707
a very important day, which is
79
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,143
the annual turkey sacrifice.
80
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,512
Okay, so, welcome
to Thanksgiving.
81
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,514
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
82
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,783
to the bird--
touching it, blowing it kisses.
83
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,119
Keeping very low, on three.
84
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,554
One, two, three.
85
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,423
And then acknowledge the onion.
86
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,458
It all started when The Guide
discovered a new detail
87
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,328
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
88
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,429
Give me that.
89
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,332
[speaking Greek]
90
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,768
"For those you've burned,
you must atone."
91
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,437
And that's
when I figured it out.
92
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,673
So, back in my Antipaxos,
there was only
93
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,575
one school that
everyone went to.
94
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:31,211
School wasn't easy for anyone,
but especially not me.
95
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,480
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
96
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,349
so I was always
made to sit outside.
97
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,517
And then one day,
98
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,186
somebody burned down the school.
99
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:42,156
And that person was me.
100
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:45,125
Nobody died,
but no one ever learned
101
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,360
anything ever again.
102
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,461
My fellow villagers
103
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,029
never forgave me.
104
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,398
Which is why I believe
doing a school
105
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:55,236
for my fellow little Antipaxons
will maybe be a way
106
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,504
to reverse
this motherfucking hex!
107
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,343
- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
108
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,278
are a result
of my DNA recombinations.
109
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,081
In layman's terms,
they're tiny Gizmos.
110
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:10,384
Created for the diagnosis
of your vampiratus interruptus.
111
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:13,187
[stammers]
These creatures are-are me?
112
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:14,755
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
113
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,024
you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
114
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,392
- Get the fuck off.
- [screeches]
115
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,793
That one there
116
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,795
came from one of your
stool samples and a pig.
117
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,665
This one,
from a cheek swab and a dog.
118
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,433
And I believe you've met
these chaps before.
119
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,402
- Oof.
- Ugh.
120
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,537
- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
121
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,274
Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
122
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,576
- of my failings as a scientist.
- [bleating]
123
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,045
Ah, and that one--
now that's a complete mistake.
124
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,080
Some wool from one of your
hideous sweaters
125
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,382
got in the petri dish,
126
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,418
and there you go.
But between you and I,
127
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,286
kill that one first.
128
00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:56,063
In conclusion, the two steps
129
00:04:56,063 --> 00:05:00,534
one, go to bank,
two, open account.
130
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,468
Write that down.
131
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,337
- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
132
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,039
[Nadja]
I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
133
00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:06,707
to come with me
on the first day because
134
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,609
I didn't want the class
to look too empty.
135
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,345
But now I cannot
get those two tits to leave.
136
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,581
It's not the best school class
137
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:14,748
I've ever attended,
138
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,817
even though it's the only one.
139
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,086
How was your weekend?
140
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,488
Same old, same old.
141
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,823
I hear that, asshole.
142
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,191
[Nandor]
I thought we'd learn more
143
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,060
about history, like warriors
144
00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:29,196
and killing and pillaging,
145
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,800
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
146
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,669
[Colin]
I used to audit
a lot of night school
147
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:39,039
classes. Fiction writing,
mostly. I once
148
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,808
did a poem that I titled
149
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:43,677
An Ode to My Father's
Masculinity.
150
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,446
Easy drain.
151
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,281
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
152
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,620
- Seven.
- One.
153
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:55,489
No!
Water cooler does not talk.
154
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,690
Write that down.
155
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,525
[quietly]
Oh, so stupid. I give up.
156
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,160
I'm starting to think that
157
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,030
maybe I'm not very good at this.
[exclaims]
158
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,469
No, I... I can't.
159
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,204
I can't do this.
I can't
160
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,273
hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
161
00:06:12,273 --> 00:06:14,174
- Get off, get off, get off.
- [screeching]
162
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,744
I could just probably
call an exterminator
163
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,445
or animal control because, technically,
164
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,481
you are vermin, so...
165
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,484
Wow, you do look like me.
166
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:25,486
[Nadja]
Is teaching
167
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,820
actually going to help me
168
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,590
lift this fucking hex?
169
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:32,459
- [hisses]
- You are struggling.
170
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,329
Oh, fantastic.
Another disgruntled student.
171
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:37,398
You have a troubled
energy about you.
172
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,567
A dark presence looms.
173
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,336
Do you know about the hex?
174
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,171
Ever since you have come here,
you have brought with you
175
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,341
a very dark, spectral
176
00:06:47,341 --> 00:06:48,576
specter.
177
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,711
It's like a hex, if you will.
178
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,581
[sighs]
And what is your name,
179
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,482
crispy, old, wizened crone?
180
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,250
Oh, my name's Helen.
181
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,322
Hel-- Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
182
00:07:01,322 --> 00:07:03,757
- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
183
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:07,027
rid myself
of this disgusting hex?
184
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,163
- Yes.
- [chuckles]
185
00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:11,732
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
186
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,301
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
187
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,704
- I can't say I am surprised
- I am the teacher
188
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,706
- by this turn of events.
- and you will listen to me now.
189
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,608
- I have been known to,
- I am an expert in--
190
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,142
- um...
- [growls softly]
191
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,277
[Nadja]
Okay.
192
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,079
I think I have gotten this.
193
00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:27,448
A gray egg from a red turkey,
194
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:29,316
a petal of wolfsbane...
195
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,418
Magic can be a very
196
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,721
strange and confusing thing,
197
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,190
which is why
I do not fuck with it.
198
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,558
...a snake's nose...
199
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,027
But if this sorceress
200
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:44,265
can fix me, then hell yes,
I'm all in.
201
00:07:44,265 --> 00:07:47,301
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
202
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,069
I will need an eye of newt,
203
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,738
a black cat's whisker
204
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:55,409
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
205
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:56,677
What is this, uh,
206
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,545
an enchanted forest
or something?
207
00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:00,180
It is a pastry shop.
208
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,149
- Oh.
- They sell what in these
modern times
209
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,752
are called doughnuts.
210
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,353
A doughnut?
211
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,555
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
212
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,258
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
213
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:14,595
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
214
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,730
But honestly, it tastes
a lot like a doughnut, so...
215
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,266
I'll get on with this.
Goodbye, hex.
216
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,068
- Come on, get inside.
Let's go. Okay.
- [bleating]
217
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,403
No, I don't know
what the next step is,
218
00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:23,404
but it's definitely not
killing them.
219
00:08:23,404 --> 00:08:25,205
Maybe to the zoo?
220
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,608
Uh... the park? I could
drop you guys at the park, huh?
221
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,677
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
222
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:33,614
You can talk.
223
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,549
Many of us can.
I apologize
224
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,051
for not telling you
sooner, I just
225
00:08:37,051 --> 00:08:38,152
didn't want to...
226
00:08:38,152 --> 00:08:39,686
- shock you.
- [screeches]
227
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:46,327
A question
228
00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:49,563
knowledge...
229
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,365
one can possess?
230
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,167
History.
231
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,202
And where did
human history begin?
232
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:59,039
The great empire
of Al Qolnidar rose to power
233
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,710
in what the Western world
calls 1262.
234
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,645
But we're gonna
forget about that
235
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,315
and just call it the year O.
236
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:12,486
Whatever, man.
History is subjective.
237
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,388
I mean, teach what you want,
238
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,323
but just know that history
239
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,525
is written by the oppressors.
240
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,428
One of the biggest and most
241
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,365
commonly-used
energy drains imaginable
242
00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:25,733
is being
243
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,568
the cool teacher.
244
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,237
I used to have
a bumper sticker that said,
245
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,640
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
246
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,108
It was pretty rad.
247
00:09:34,108 --> 00:09:36,210
Uh, I have a little gift
for you guys.
248
00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:37,711
Some condoms.
249
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,214
I want you guys
to be healthy out there.
250
00:09:40,214 --> 00:09:43,083
You don't have to be in love
to wear the glove.
251
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,585
- Right, Lorraine?
- [Nandor] Colin Robinson
252
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,587
has tricked my pupils
into thinking
253
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,789
- that they are learning.
- [chuckles]
254
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,658
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
255
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,726
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
256
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,328
[Colin]
Let me tell you about Hamlet.
257
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,363
A prince of a castle.
258
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,299
You wince,
but his hassle
259
00:09:58,299 --> 00:10:00,668
was the death of...
his daddy.
260
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,069
A baddy? No.
261
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,337
But sad he was
262
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:04,738
- when the lad said, "Egad,"
- [growls]
263
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,641
a prince driven mad,
ya boy got had.
264
00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:10,544
[Nandor]
What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
265
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:12,346
on the desk
with his legs crossed
266
00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:13,747
so that everyone can see his nut
267
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,382
hanging out his short.
268
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,485
[Guillermo]
You can talk?
269
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,521
- You're, like, real people?
- [bleating]
270
00:10:20,521 --> 00:10:22,156
Why didn't you tell me
you could talk?
271
00:10:22,156 --> 00:10:23,824
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
272
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,793
What, you open up to people
right off the bat?
273
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,262
Well, no, not usually, I guess
I take a second,
274
00:10:28,262 --> 00:10:29,663
yeah, but--
275
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,499
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
276
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,468
But Daddy Gemerno,
277
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,637
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [Guillermo] Oh, shit.
278
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,805
Ugh, what'd you eat?
279
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,073
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
280
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,674
made the froggie pregnant.
281
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,043
- What?
- I want raw meat.
- Da-da,
282
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,678
- my oopsie's really bad.
- [bleating] Da-da.
- [dog] What's the plan, Daddy?
283
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,081
- Come on!
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
284
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,216
Stop talking.
I got to think, I got to think.
285
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:52,453
Laszlo wants me to, you know,
get rid of you.
286
00:10:52,453 --> 00:10:54,688
What means "get rid of"?
287
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,024
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
288
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,326
of the one true Guillermo
who saves us.
289
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,595
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
290
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:03,530
He was born
15 minutes before me.
291
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,099
Hello, young one.
292
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:07,368
Rest easy, all.
Guillermo will save us.
293
00:11:07,368 --> 00:11:09,169
- Daddy, Daddy.
- [dog] Ain't that right, Daddy?
- I don't want to die.
294
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,338
Shh! Stop, stop, stop,
stop talking.
295
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,506
Fine. I'll save you.
296
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,141
- Yeah!
- Thank you, Daddy.
297
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,676
- But you can't
tell Laszlo, okay?
- Agreed.
298
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,311
Is this all of you guys?
299
00:11:17,311 --> 00:11:18,679
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
300
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,247
Binky's the most
fragile among us.
301
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,448
He lives in the koi pond.
302
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,783
Find him, Guillermo.
303
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,418
Okay, fine, I'll find him.
I'll find Binky.
304
00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,053
And you're all gonna stay put
305
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,621
a-and not make a noise.
306
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:29,189
All right?
307
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,358
Do not think your bravery
will go unnoticed.
308
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,793
- See her? This fetching bitch
- [whines]
309
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,596
is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
310
00:11:35,596 --> 00:11:37,798
- No, I'm good.
I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
311
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,166
- [pig] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
- [dog] Daddy!
312
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,371
Helen, I'm home!
[chuckles]
313
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,106
So, I think I got everything.
314
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,374
One monkey paw.
315
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,344
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
316
00:11:50,344 --> 00:11:54,181
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
317
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,150
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
318
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,619
vanilla glazed
with rainbow sprinkles.
319
00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:01,055
What am I supposed
to do with this?
320
00:12:01,055 --> 00:12:02,690
Could you not use that for your
321
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:03,724
magic potion?
322
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,292
Has to be chocolate or...
323
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,595
You think I can
put this in my big bowl?
324
00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:09,096
Do you mean a cauldron?
325
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,165
Yes. That is the word.
326
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,466
You're gonna
have to go back out.
327
00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:14,034
Of course, yes.
328
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,338
And why don't you also grab me
329
00:12:17,338 --> 00:12:19,640
three Boston creams,
330
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,343
three chocolate glazed,
four jelly
331
00:12:22,343 --> 00:12:25,512
and five glazed crullers.
332
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,248
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
333
00:12:27,248 --> 00:12:29,350
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
334
00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:31,552
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
335
00:12:31,552 --> 00:12:33,621
[Nadja]
I don't know much about hexes
336
00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:35,556
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
337
00:12:35,556 --> 00:12:39,059
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
338
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:42,129
Also, Helen said
she had this magic wand
339
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,597
for thousands of years.
340
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,066
But I'm pretty sure
I saw her go outside
341
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,801
and pick up a stick
from the ground.
342
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,037
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
343
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,439
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
344
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,775
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
345
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:55,809
Close enough.
346
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,444
[humming a tune]
347
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,513
[clattering in distance]
348
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:02,383
What the fuck... Gizmo?
What are you
349
00:13:02,383 --> 00:13:04,184
doing in there--
are you wanking?
350
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,820
- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.
351
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,390
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
352
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,492
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
353
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:13,093
Listen, I understand
this kind of thing
354
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,428
is not for the faint of heart.
355
00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:15,629
So if you don't
have the balls for it,
356
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,330
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
357
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,467
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
358
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,336
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
359
00:13:22,336 --> 00:13:23,470
- And wank.
- Yeah.
360
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,772
- Yes!
- Okay.
361
00:13:24,772 --> 00:13:26,740
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
362
00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:29,376
Okay.
363
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:31,545
Binky. [smooches]
364
00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:34,315
Hey, buddy.
Come on.
365
00:13:34,315 --> 00:13:35,416
Come on.
366
00:13:35,416 --> 00:13:37,384
Whoa, Nelly!
367
00:13:38,352 --> 00:13:39,753
[gasping]
368
00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:42,689
Daddy, what is "wank"?
[gasps]
369
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,430
[out of tun
370
00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:51,264
I almost have it.
371
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,801
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
372
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:55,236
- [sighs]
- Hold on.
373
00:13:55,236 --> 00:13:57,071
- [in-tune chord]
- There.
374
00:13:57,071 --> 00:14:00,207
So, what did we just learn
about sound waves?
375
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,475
Yeah. Lenore.
376
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:02,743
When will learn about, uh,
377
00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:04,612
starting mortgage?
378
00:14:04,612 --> 00:14:07,147
Right after I play
379
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,816
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
380
00:14:08,816 --> 00:14:10,451
- Uh, let's see--
- Colin Robinson,
381
00:14:10,451 --> 00:14:12,519
what are we doing outside?
382
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,655
Having class on the quad, man.
383
00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:16,523
Kind of a college tradition.
384
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,225
I catch your drift, though.
385
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:21,362
How about we get
the old blood pumpin'
386
00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:25,266
- with some hacky sack?
- [grunts]
387
00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:26,700
- That's not cool.
- [thud]
- We are going
388
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,202
- [car alarm blaring]
- to the history museum.
389
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:30,170
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
390
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,240
Yes. Very much so.
Follow me!
391
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,276
- Oh. [mutters]
- Who here has seen Garden State?
392
00:14:35,276 --> 00:14:37,711
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
393
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,746
to listen to by The Shins.
394
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,784
This is from the Dunkin'
395
00:14:43,784 --> 00:14:46,220
on Forest and Broadway.
I said it must be
396
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,556
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
397
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,192
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
398
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,794
- [sighs]
- I will need a dozen more
399
00:14:53,794 --> 00:14:55,529
from the Forest and South location.
400
00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:56,797
Are you kidding me?
401
00:14:56,797 --> 00:14:59,099
How many donuts
do you need, lady?
402
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,668
- [groans]
- Oh!
403
00:15:00,668 --> 00:15:02,469
Oh, Magic Woman,
what is happening?
404
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,172
Oh, the hex.
It grows more powerful
405
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,774
with each passing moment.
406
00:15:06,774 --> 00:15:09,209
- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me
one last thing.
407
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,011
Yes, yes, anything.
408
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,215
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
409
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,619
Powder represents
the ashes of your ancestors.
410
00:15:18,619 --> 00:15:22,156
I will get you
a dozen powdered Munchkins.
411
00:15:22,156 --> 00:15:23,824
Stay with me, Helen!
412
00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:26,093
- [whimpering]
- Oh.
413
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,462
- Piss!
- [stops whimpering]
414
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:31,098
What are you doing?! Come on!
415
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,601
[Nandor] And you will not
call the police about us
416
00:15:33,601 --> 00:15:36,370
being here while
the museum is closed.
417
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,138
[quiet chatter]
418
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:42,309
The entire history
of Staten Island!
419
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,078
- Look at this.
- [Colin] This is a recreation
420
00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:47,715
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
421
00:15:47,715 --> 00:15:49,717
based on old travel chests
422
00:15:49,717 --> 00:15:52,286
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
423
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,555
This fellow
is wearing traditional
424
00:15:54,555 --> 00:15:57,124
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
425
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,660
This is exactly
the kind of outfit I wore
426
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:02,029
on my journey to America.
427
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,231
And I do so love
428
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:08,035
that this is from
the immigrant's perspective.
429
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,739
So accurate,
down to the underwear.
430
00:16:11,739 --> 00:16:14,708
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
431
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,543
Wait a minute.
432
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,612
Those are a pair I used to own!
433
00:16:18,612 --> 00:16:22,082
How did these fuckers
get my stuff?!
434
00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:25,185
Donut wench, I need
a dozen powdered Munchkins,
435
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,587
and make it quick.
436
00:16:26,587 --> 00:16:29,323
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
437
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,392
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
438
00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:33,494
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
439
00:16:33,494 --> 00:16:36,263
Wait--
Wait, hang on, that is her.
440
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,566
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
441
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:40,467
Um, I guess
I know her from, like,
442
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,770
harassing me and my co-workers.
443
00:16:42,770 --> 00:16:44,438
That's mainly how.
444
00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:46,607
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
445
00:16:46,607 --> 00:16:49,610
I thought her name
was Helen the Magic Woman.
446
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:52,179
[speaks Greek]
447
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,748
Something here stinks
of a snake's shit.
448
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,616
I have your Munchkins.
449
00:16:57,618 --> 00:16:59,353
We need to have a little chat.
450
00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:03,190
What is this?
Why does it say Helen Johnson
451
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,692
when your name
is Helen the Magic Woman?
452
00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:08,529
I, um, never
told you my full name,
453
00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:12,399
which is
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
454
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,767
The hex
is playing tricks on you.
455
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,336
This is textbook hex.
456
00:17:15,336 --> 00:17:17,071
The solution is a strawb--
457
00:17:17,071 --> 00:17:19,106
No! Ugh!
458
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,273
Wait!
459
00:17:22,276 --> 00:17:24,745
You have no idea what it's like
460
00:17:24,745 --> 00:17:27,748
to not be allowed back
to the one place
461
00:17:27,748 --> 00:17:29,817
you feel at home.
462
00:17:29,817 --> 00:17:31,151
[sighs]
463
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,353
I do know what it is like
464
00:17:32,353 --> 00:17:34,221
to be driven from the only place
465
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,723
you have ever called home,
466
00:17:35,723 --> 00:17:38,292
just as I was
driven out of my village.
467
00:17:38,292 --> 00:17:39,526
It ain't great.
[short chuckle]
468
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,528
My hex may not have been lifted,
469
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,098
but with a little hypnosis,
470
00:17:44,098 --> 00:17:46,400
at least Helen's has been.
471
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,372
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
472
00:17:51,372 --> 00:17:54,507
You "doughnut"
need to be sad anymore.
473
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,612
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
474
00:17:58,612 --> 00:18:01,148
"in the Near Middle East, one
475
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,484
"with a particularly
weak army, based
476
00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:05,219
on their inferior weaponry."
477
00:18:05,219 --> 00:18:08,188
What?
Those are my travel weapons.
478
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:11,725
"Also inside was
a well-worn good-luck amulet.
479
00:18:11,725 --> 00:18:15,663
"The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
480
00:18:15,663 --> 00:18:18,532
"travelers of the day,
and they sought comfort
481
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:20,100
in superstitions--"
482
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,202
I was not terrified of shit.
483
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,605
And I don't even know
what an amulet is.
484
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:27,074
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
485
00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:29,610
[Colin]
It also says that the immigrant
486
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,413
was a talented writer.
487
00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:35,749
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
488
00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:37,484
while flying in the sky."
489
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,220
That's right-- sky fucking.
490
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,555
Glad to see they've acknowledged
491
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,424
some of the cool shit
that I've done.
492
00:18:43,424 --> 00:18:46,427
"It's a rare example
of early erotic fiction."
493
00:18:46,427 --> 00:18:48,495
Fiction?
This is not fiction.
494
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,699
- This is my diary!
- [Colin] "It is likely
that, unable
495
00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:54,101
"to find a sexual partner,
496
00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:57,204
"the immigrant
bided his time imagining one.
497
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,707
"The crude
and improbable descriptions
498
00:18:59,707 --> 00:19:01,242
"of his intercourse
499
00:19:01,242 --> 00:19:02,810
- [low growling]
- "furthermore suggests
500
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:04,578
- "this individual
- Don't say it!
501
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,080
never had sex."
502
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,447
[Nandor groaning, yelling]
503
00:19:11,118 --> 00:19:14,221
[Colin] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
504
00:19:15,756 --> 00:19:17,657
- [bleating]
- [squealing]
505
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,729
[Laszlo]
I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
506
00:19:21,729 --> 00:19:24,231
Steady thy hand
and become death.
507
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,666
But wait till I'm gone.
I don't want to be covered
508
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,268
in brains and shit.
509
00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,602
- Au revoir.
- [bleats]
510
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,104
Bye.
511
00:19:30,104 --> 00:19:32,072
- [whimpering]
- Shh.
512
00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:34,674
- [gunshots]
- [bleating]
- There we go.
513
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,046
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
514
00:19:39,046 --> 00:19:41,047
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa--
- [creatures exclaiming]
515
00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,484
Oh! [grunts]
516
00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,286
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [growling]
517
00:19:45,286 --> 00:19:47,554
Sorry about that.
518
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:50,691
[Colin]
Hello.
519
00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:53,594
I thought you might want this
520
00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,496
key ring that
your mommy gave you.
521
00:19:55,496 --> 00:19:57,131
I stole it from the museum.
522
00:19:57,131 --> 00:19:59,133
Is this how history
is going to remember me,
523
00:19:59,133 --> 00:20:00,534
Colin Robinson,
524
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:03,037
if it is going
to remember me at all?
525
00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:06,373
Well, I also took the liberty
526
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:09,410
of rearranging
the museum display.
527
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:11,278
"This immigrant
was a very feared
528
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,614
"and very cool ancient warrior
529
00:20:13,614 --> 00:20:17,217
"who set the world's record
for having the most constant
530
00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,386
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
531
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:23,290
"Often while flying, and he was
never scared of boat rides."
532
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,758
[Nandor]
You're shitting me.
533
00:20:24,758 --> 00:20:28,329
Whatever, you know?
Uh, history is a construct.
534
00:20:28,329 --> 00:20:30,030
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
535
00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:31,365
You are not just a cool teacher.
536
00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,734
You are also a cool friend.
537
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,569
[singsongy] Awkward moment.
[short chuckle]
538
00:20:36,837 --> 00:20:39,206
- [brakes squeaks]
- Okay.
539
00:20:39,206 --> 00:20:41,775
Just remember:
never be seen by the staff.
540
00:20:41,775 --> 00:20:44,278
You're only safe
with the old people.
541
00:20:44,278 --> 00:20:46,680
- Okay.
- [bleating] I understand.
- Yes, we understand.
542
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,049
[Guillermo]
So I just dropped them off
at a retirement home
543
00:20:49,049 --> 00:20:50,451
that my tía works at.
544
00:20:50,451 --> 00:20:52,086
She's always saying
the residents
545
00:20:52,086 --> 00:20:53,454
are really lonely
and love company.
546
00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:57,024
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [man] Yeah. B-1.
547
00:20:57,024 --> 00:20:58,759
[Guillermo]
And it was super easy
to get the paperwork
548
00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,294
for an emotional support animal.
549
00:21:00,294 --> 00:21:03,063
[chuckling, sighing]
550
00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:04,498
[Guillermo]
They'll be happy here,
551
00:21:04,498 --> 00:21:06,166
I think.
552
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,236
I hope.
553
00:21:09,236 --> 00:21:11,705
♪ Born free ♪
554
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,542
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
555
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:18,746
♪ As free
as the grass grows... ♪
556
00:21:18,746 --> 00:21:22,616
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
557
00:21:22,616 --> 00:21:25,319
[Laszlo]
Gizmo, what are you
doing out there?
558
00:21:25,319 --> 00:21:27,321
Having a wank?
559
00:21:27,321 --> 00:21:31,058
Ah, good man. Carry on.
560
00:21:31,058 --> 00:21:33,527
- Hey, buddy.
- [gurgles]
561
00:21:33,527 --> 00:21:36,263
♪ Live free ♪
562
00:21:36,263 --> 00:21:40,200
♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪
563
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,237
♪ The world still astounds you ♪
564
00:21:43,237 --> 00:21:45,406
♪ Each time you look at ♪
565
00:21:45,406 --> 00:21:49,577
♪ A star ♪
566
00:21:49,577 --> 00:21:52,546
♪ Stay free ♪
567
00:21:52,546 --> 00:21:56,483
♪ Where no walls divide you ♪
568
00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,386
♪ You're free
as the roaring tides ♪
569
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:01,388
♪ So there's no need ♪
570
00:22:01,388 --> 00:22:06,026
♪ To hide ♪
571
00:22:06,026 --> 00:22:10,097
♪ Born free ♪
572
00:22:10,097 --> 00:22:13,500
♪ Born free... ♪
573
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:17,538
♪ Born free ♪
574
00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:19,540
♪ Born. ♪
575
00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:23,073
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org