1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,103 [screams] 2 00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,239 ...between being a human and a vampire. 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,440 [grunts] 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,375 [screeches] 5 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,712 "Not a human, not yet a vampire," 6 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,447 to paraphrase one of your contemporary 7 00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,182 musical troubadours. 8 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,685 Now, I've turned my attention to isolating 9 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:20,420 the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation. 10 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,724 It's a very complex scientific procedure 11 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,459 where I mix his DNA 12 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:28,028 with the DNA of stray animals 13 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,530 just to see what shakes. 14 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,299 So, I began by fusing him with a swine. 15 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,634 All very good. 16 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,136 And a frog-- Frog not so happy, 17 00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,271 - but it's just a frog. - [frog ribbits] 18 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,340 This beaker for the dog, 19 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,774 and this one for you. 20 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,712 - Mm. - [Laszlo] Oh, shit. 21 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,213 I just realized I got those the wrong way around. 22 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,681 - My mistake. - What do you mean, that-- 23 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,450 That's a big mistake. Am I gonna be okay? 24 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,052 You'll be fine. I just need another urine sample. 25 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,188 - Urine sample? For-- - To refill the beakers. 26 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,456 [retching] 27 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,291 [door slams] 28 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,326 - [Laszlo] Ha-ha! - Laszlo's been in there for three days 29 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,328 - and three nights now. I think he's on the verge - Success! 30 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:02,363 - of a breakthrough. - [crash] - Aw, shit. 31 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,665 [door opens] 32 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,266 Well? 33 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,802 I don't know how to put this lightly, 34 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,204 but you're fucked. 35 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,472 And while we're being blunt, 36 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,707 you are what the scientific community 37 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:17,511 refer to as a lost cause with no hope whatsoever. 38 00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,581 So... that's it? You're just gonna give up on me? 39 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,049 I'm not gonna give up on you, 40 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,417 I'm gonna give up on the experiments. 41 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,419 And I'd like you to do one thing for me. 42 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,653 Anything. Whatever you want. 43 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,659 - [bleating] - [Guillermo] What are those? 44 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,028 [Laszlo] Those-- well, they're just some of the results 45 00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:35,663 of my experiments with your DNA. 46 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,397 Kill them. 47 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,635 ["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing] 48 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,238 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 49 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,640 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 50 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,077 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 51 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,312 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 52 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,784 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 53 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,587 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 54 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,056 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 55 00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:04,157 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 56 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,097 ♪ ♪ 57 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,170 [Nadja] These are words for "money" 58 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,204 in America. 59 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,806 So I have been teaching a class 60 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,674 in Little Antipaxos on 61 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,143 assimilating to America. 62 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,646 I have been helping them master everyday skills 63 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,448 such as language proficiency. 64 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,416 [New York accent] Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here! 65 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,685 Learn better driving etiquette, you piece of shit! 66 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,721 I just spilled my coffee! 67 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,189 [regular accent] Write it down. 68 00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,824 Typical American industries. 69 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,660 Films, newspapers, beef. 70 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,728 Write it down. 71 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,062 And I told them the words 72 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,731 to the colonial patriot hymn, 73 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,132 which is the song of the nation. 74 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,601 ♪ Burgers and fries ♪ 75 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,169 ♪ Mickey Mouse ♪ 76 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,138 ♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪ Yeehaw! 77 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,506 Also, 78 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,707 a very important day, which is 79 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,143 the annual turkey sacrifice. 80 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,512 Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving. 81 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,514 When we are not eating we are paying respects 82 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,783 to the bird-- touching it, blowing it kisses. 83 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,119 Keeping very low, on three. 84 00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:07,554 One, two, three. 85 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,423 And then acknowledge the onion. 86 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,458 It all started when The Guide discovered a new detail 87 00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,328 about this ancient hex that's been ruining my life. 88 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,429 Give me that. 89 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,332 [speaking Greek] 90 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,768 "For those you've burned, you must atone." 91 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,437 And that's when I figured it out. 92 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,673 So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only 93 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,575 one school that everyone went to. 94 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:31,211 School wasn't easy for anyone, but especially not me. 95 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,480 All the other children said I was too noisy, 96 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,349 so I was always made to sit outside. 97 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,517 And then one day, 98 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,186 somebody burned down the school. 99 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:42,156 And that person was me. 100 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:45,125 Nobody died, but no one ever learned 101 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,360 anything ever again. 102 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,461 My fellow villagers 103 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,029 never forgave me. 104 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,398 Which is why I believe doing a school 105 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:55,236 for my fellow little Antipaxons will maybe be a way 106 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,504 to reverse this motherfucking hex! 107 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,343 - Whose... - These freaks of nature 108 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,278 are a result of my DNA recombinations. 109 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,081 In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos. 110 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:10,384 Created for the diagnosis of your vampiratus interruptus. 111 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:13,187 [stammers] These creatures are-are me? 112 00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:14,755 Pretty much, yeah, I mean, 113 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,024 you can tell by the irritating way in which they behave. 114 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,392 - Get the fuck off. - [screeches] 115 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,793 That one there 116 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,795 came from one of your stool samples and a pig. 117 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,665 This one, from a cheek swab and a dog. 118 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,433 And I believe you've met these chaps before. 119 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,402 - Oof. - Ugh. 120 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,537 - Do we have to kill them? - I'm afraid so. 121 00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,274 Their continuous existence is too painful reminder 122 00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,576 - of my failings as a scientist. - [bleating] 123 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,045 Ah, and that one-- now that's a complete mistake. 124 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,080 Some wool from one of your hideous sweaters 125 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,382 got in the petri dish, 126 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,418 and there you go. But between you and I, 127 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,286 kill that one first. 128 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:56,063 In conclusion, the two steps 129 00:04:56,063 --> 00:05:00,534 one, go to bank, two, open account. 130 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,468 Write that down. 131 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,337 - Ooh, ooh! - Ooh. 132 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,039 [Nadja] I asked Nandor and Colin Robinson 133 00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:06,707 to come with me on the first day because 134 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,609 I didn't want the class to look too empty. 135 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,345 But now I cannot get those two tits to leave. 136 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,581 It's not the best school class 137 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:14,748 I've ever attended, 138 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,817 even though it's the only one. 139 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,086 How was your weekend? 140 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,488 Same old, same old. 141 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,823 I hear that, asshole. 142 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,191 [Nandor] I thought we'd learn more 143 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,060 about history, like warriors 144 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:29,196 and killing and pillaging, 145 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,800 but I guess we got to get through the boring stuff first. 146 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,669 [Colin] I used to audit a lot of night school 147 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:39,039 classes. Fiction writing, mostly. I once 148 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,808 did a poem that I titled 149 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:43,677 An Ode to My Father's Masculinity. 150 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,446 Easy drain. 151 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,281 How many people did you have sex with this weekend? 152 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,620 - Seven. - One. 153 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:55,489 No! Water cooler does not talk. 154 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,690 Write that down. 155 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,525 [quietly] Oh, so stupid. I give up. 156 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,160 I'm starting to think that 157 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,030 maybe I'm not very good at this. [exclaims] 158 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,469 No, I... I can't. 159 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,204 I can't do this. I can't 160 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,273 hurt an innocent creature... Ew. 161 00:06:12,273 --> 00:06:14,174 - Get off, get off, get off. - [screeching] 162 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,744 I could just probably call an exterminator 163 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,445 or animal control because, technically, 164 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,481 you are vermin, so... 165 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,484 Wow, you do look like me. 166 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:25,486 [Nadja] Is teaching 167 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,820 actually going to help me 168 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,590 lift this fucking hex? 169 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:32,459 - [hisses] - You are struggling. 170 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,329 Oh, fantastic. Another disgruntled student. 171 00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:37,398 You have a troubled energy about you. 172 00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,567 A dark presence looms. 173 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,336 Do you know about the hex? 174 00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,171 Ever since you have come here, you have brought with you 175 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,341 a very dark, spectral 176 00:06:47,341 --> 00:06:48,576 specter. 177 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,711 It's like a hex, if you will. 178 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,581 [sighs] And what is your name, 179 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,482 crispy, old, wizened crone? 180 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,250 Oh, my name's Helen. 181 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,322 Hel-- Oh, just Helen. That's it. Just Helen? 182 00:07:01,322 --> 00:07:03,757 - Helen the Magic Woman. - And you can help me 183 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:07,027 rid myself of this disgusting hex? 184 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,163 - Yes. - [chuckles] 185 00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:11,732 I am so sorry, class, but something has come up. 186 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,301 Colin, Nandor, one of you is the teacher now! Go! 187 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,704 - I can't say I am surprised - I am the teacher 188 00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,706 - by this turn of events. - and you will listen to me now. 189 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,608 - I have been known to, - I am an expert in-- 190 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,142 - um... - [growls softly] 191 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,277 [Nadja] Okay. 192 00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,079 I think I have gotten this. 193 00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:27,448 A gray egg from a red turkey, 194 00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:29,316 a petal of wolfsbane... 195 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,418 Magic can be a very 196 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,721 strange and confusing thing, 197 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,190 which is why I do not fuck with it. 198 00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,558 ...a snake's nose... 199 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,027 But if this sorceress 200 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:44,265 can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in. 201 00:07:44,265 --> 00:07:47,301 Is there anything else you require for this magic potion? 202 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,069 I will need an eye of newt, 203 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,738 a black cat's whisker 204 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:55,409 and a chocolate glazed from the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue. 205 00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:56,677 What is this, uh, 206 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,545 an enchanted forest or something? 207 00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:00,180 It is a pastry shop. 208 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,149 - Oh. - They sell what in these modern times 209 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,752 are called doughnuts. 210 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,353 A doughnut? 211 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,555 - Why would you need a doughnut? - Normally, 212 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,258 I would require you to retrieve the sweetest flower 213 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:14,595 - from the peak of Mount Juktas. - Oh. 214 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,730 But honestly, it tastes a lot like a doughnut, so... 215 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,266 I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex. 216 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,068 - Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay. - [bleating] 217 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,403 No, I don't know what the next step is, 218 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:23,404 but it's definitely not killing them. 219 00:08:23,404 --> 00:08:25,205 Maybe to the zoo? 220 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,608 Uh... the park? I could drop you guys at the park, huh? 221 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,677 A good run in the park would do me a world of good. 222 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:33,614 You can talk. 223 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,549 Many of us can. I apologize 224 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,051 for not telling you sooner, I just 225 00:08:37,051 --> 00:08:38,152 didn't want to... 226 00:08:38,152 --> 00:08:39,686 - shock you. - [screeches] 227 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:46,327 A question 228 00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:49,563 knowledge... 229 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,365 one can possess? 230 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,167 History. 231 00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,202 And where did human history begin? 232 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:59,039 The great empire of Al Qolnidar rose to power 233 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,710 in what the Western world calls 1262. 234 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,645 But we're gonna forget about that 235 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,315 and just call it the year O. 236 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:12,486 Whatever, man. History is subjective. 237 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,388 I mean, teach what you want, 238 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,323 but just know that history 239 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,525 is written by the oppressors. 240 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,428 One of the biggest and most 241 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,365 commonly-used energy drains imaginable 242 00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:25,733 is being 243 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,568 the cool teacher. 244 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,237 I used to have a bumper sticker that said, 245 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,640 "I rather be reading Bukowski." 246 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,108 It was pretty rad. 247 00:09:34,108 --> 00:09:36,210 Uh, I have a little gift for you guys. 248 00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:37,711 Some condoms. 249 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,214 I want you guys to be healthy out there. 250 00:09:40,214 --> 00:09:43,083 You don't have to be in love to wear the glove. 251 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,585 - Right, Lorraine? - [Nandor] Colin Robinson 252 00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,587 has tricked my pupils into thinking 253 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,789 - that they are learning. - [chuckles] 254 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,658 Meanwhile, I have not heard the word "history" 255 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,726 or Al Qolnidar mentioned once. 256 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,328 [Colin] Let me tell you about Hamlet. 257 00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,363 A prince of a castle. 258 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,299 You wince, but his hassle 259 00:09:58,299 --> 00:10:00,668 was the death of... his daddy. 260 00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,069 A baddy? No. 261 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,337 But sad he was 262 00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:04,738 - when the lad said, "Egad," - [growls] 263 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,641 a prince driven mad, ya boy got had. 264 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:10,544 [Nandor] What is even worse is that he keeps sitting up 265 00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:12,346 on the desk with his legs crossed 266 00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:13,747 so that everyone can see his nut 267 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,382 hanging out his short. 268 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,485 [Guillermo] You can talk? 269 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,521 - You're, like, real people? - [bleating] 270 00:10:20,521 --> 00:10:22,156 Why didn't you tell me you could talk? 271 00:10:22,156 --> 00:10:23,824 I guess we can be shy sometimes. 272 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,793 What, you open up to people right off the bat? 273 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,262 Well, no, not usually, I guess I take a second, 274 00:10:28,262 --> 00:10:29,663 yeah, but-- 275 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,499 - I made an oopsie, Daddy. - No, no one's Daddy. 276 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,468 But Daddy Gemerno, 277 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,637 - the oopsie is getting bad. - [Guillermo] Oh, shit. 278 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,805 Ugh, what'd you eat? 279 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,073 Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of 280 00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,674 made the froggie pregnant. 281 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,043 - What? - I want raw meat. - Da-da, 282 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,678 - my oopsie's really bad. - [bleating] Da-da. - [dog] What's the plan, Daddy? 283 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,081 - Come on! - I want to go outside. - Shh, shh, shh, shh! 284 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,216 Stop talking. I got to think, I got to think. 285 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:52,453 Laszlo wants me to, you know, get rid of you. 286 00:10:52,453 --> 00:10:54,688 What means "get rid of"? 287 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,024 - Um... - Our elders spoke of a prophecy 288 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,326 of the one true Guillermo who saves us. 289 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,595 What are you talking about? Elders? Who-who are your elders? 290 00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:03,530 He was born 15 minutes before me. 291 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,099 Hello, young one. 292 00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:07,368 Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us. 293 00:11:07,368 --> 00:11:09,169 - Daddy, Daddy. - [dog] Ain't that right, Daddy? - I don't want to die. 294 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,338 Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking. 295 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,506 Fine. I'll save you. 296 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,141 - Yeah! - Thank you, Daddy. 297 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,676 - But you can't tell Laszlo, okay? - Agreed. 298 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,311 Is this all of you guys? 299 00:11:17,311 --> 00:11:18,679 - Where's-where's Binky? - Who? 300 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,247 Binky's the most fragile among us. 301 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,448 He lives in the koi pond. 302 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,783 Find him, Guillermo. 303 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,418 Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky. 304 00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,053 And you're all gonna stay put 305 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,621 a-and not make a noise. 306 00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:29,189 All right? 307 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,358 Do not think your bravery will go unnoticed. 308 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,793 - See her? This fetching bitch - [whines] 309 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,596 is my beautiful daughter. You may lay with her. 310 00:11:35,596 --> 00:11:37,798 - No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 311 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,166 - [pig] We love you, Daddy. - I'll be back. - [dog] Daddy! 312 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,371 Helen, I'm home! [chuckles] 313 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,106 So, I think I got everything. 314 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,374 One monkey paw. 315 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,344 - Great... - Tears on a woman's love letter. 316 00:11:50,344 --> 00:11:54,181 Oh. Okay, so we're going straight for the doughnut. 317 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,150 Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had 318 00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,619 vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles. 319 00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:01,055 What am I supposed to do with this? 320 00:12:01,055 --> 00:12:02,690 Could you not use that for your 321 00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:03,724 magic potion? 322 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,292 Has to be chocolate or... 323 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,595 You think I can put this in my big bowl? 324 00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:09,096 Do you mean a cauldron? 325 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,165 Yes. That is the word. 326 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,466 You're gonna have to go back out. 327 00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:14,034 Of course, yes. 328 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,338 And why don't you also grab me 329 00:12:17,338 --> 00:12:19,640 three Boston creams, 330 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,343 three chocolate glazed, four jelly 331 00:12:22,343 --> 00:12:25,512 and five glazed crullers. 332 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,248 - What else? - Do you think you might want 333 00:12:27,248 --> 00:12:29,350 more of witchy, spooky stuff? 334 00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:31,552 Uh, maybe, after we get the Dunkin' sorted. 335 00:12:31,552 --> 00:12:33,621 [Nadja] I don't know much about hexes 336 00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:35,556 or how to get rid of them, obviously. 337 00:12:35,556 --> 00:12:39,059 Maybe the doughnut is something to do with the circle of life? 338 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:42,129 Also, Helen said she had this magic wand 339 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,597 for thousands of years. 340 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,066 But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside 341 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,801 and pick up a stick from the ground. 342 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,037 - It was, like, a "crullan." - Cruller. 343 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:52,439 - "Crewlour." - Cr-uller. 344 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,775 "Crew-row-row... row-row-ler." 345 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:55,809 Close enough. 346 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,444 [humming a tune] 347 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,513 [clattering in distance] 348 00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:02,383 What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you 349 00:13:02,383 --> 00:13:04,184 doing in there-- are you wanking? 350 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,820 - No! What? - Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were. 351 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,390 I wank in there all the time. 30 minutes ago, to be precise. 352 00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,492 No. Actually, I'm trying to catch one of your abominations. 353 00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:13,093 Listen, I understand this kind of thing 354 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,428 is not for the faint of heart. 355 00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:15,629 So if you don't have the balls for it, 356 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,330 - I don't mind stepping in. - No. 357 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,467 - I-I have the balls for it. - Good. 358 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,336 - Get out of my shed. - Oh, you're gonna go and... 359 00:13:22,336 --> 00:13:23,470 - And wank. - Yeah. 360 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,772 - Yes! - Okay. 361 00:13:24,772 --> 00:13:26,740 - And shut the door. - Shut the door. 362 00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:29,376 Okay. 363 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:31,545 Binky. [smooches] 364 00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:34,315 Hey, buddy. Come on. 365 00:13:34,315 --> 00:13:35,416 Come on. 366 00:13:35,416 --> 00:13:37,384 Whoa, Nelly! 367 00:13:38,352 --> 00:13:39,753 [gasping] 368 00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:42,689 Daddy, what is "wank"? [gasps] 369 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,430 [out of tun 370 00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:51,264 I almost have it. 371 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,801 Oh, I'm in the wrong spot. 372 00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:55,236 - [sighs] - Hold on. 373 00:13:55,236 --> 00:13:57,071 - [in-tune chord] - There. 374 00:13:57,071 --> 00:14:00,207 So, what did we just learn about sound waves? 375 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,475 Yeah. Lenore. 376 00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:02,743 When will learn about, uh, 377 00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:04,612 starting mortgage? 378 00:14:04,612 --> 00:14:07,147 Right after I play 379 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,816 "Nightswimming" by R.E.M. 380 00:14:08,816 --> 00:14:10,451 - Uh, let's see-- - Colin Robinson, 381 00:14:10,451 --> 00:14:12,519 what are we doing outside? 382 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,655 Having class on the quad, man. 383 00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:16,523 Kind of a college tradition. 384 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,225 I catch your drift, though. 385 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:21,362 How about we get the old blood pumpin' 386 00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:25,266 - with some hacky sack? - [grunts] 387 00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:26,700 - That's not cool. - [thud] - We are going 388 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,202 - [car alarm blaring] - to the history museum. 389 00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:30,170 - Who's with me? - Museum? Is inside? 390 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,240 Yes. Very much so. Follow me! 391 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,276 - Oh. [mutters] - Who here has seen Garden State? 392 00:14:35,276 --> 00:14:37,711 There's a song in it that I'd love for you guys 393 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,746 to listen to by The Shins. 394 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,784 This is from the Dunkin' 395 00:14:43,784 --> 00:14:46,220 on Forest and Broadway. I said it must be 396 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,556 - Forest and South. - What? How can you even tell? 397 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,192 Hello! I'm a magic woman. I can tell everything. 398 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,794 - [sighs] - I will need a dozen more 399 00:14:53,794 --> 00:14:55,529 from the Forest and South location. 400 00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:56,797 Are you kidding me? 401 00:14:56,797 --> 00:14:59,099 How many donuts do you need, lady? 402 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,668 - [groans] - Oh! 403 00:15:00,668 --> 00:15:02,469 Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening? 404 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,172 Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful 405 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,774 with each passing moment. 406 00:15:06,774 --> 00:15:09,209 - Oh, no. - Oh, you must fetch me one last thing. 407 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,011 Yes, yes, anything. 408 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,215 A dozen powdered Munchkins. 409 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,619 Powder represents the ashes of your ancestors. 410 00:15:18,619 --> 00:15:22,156 I will get you a dozen powdered Munchkins. 411 00:15:22,156 --> 00:15:23,824 Stay with me, Helen! 412 00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:26,093 - [whimpering] - Oh. 413 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,462 - Piss! - [stops whimpering] 414 00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:31,098 What are you doing?! Come on! 415 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,601 [Nandor] And you will not call the police about us 416 00:15:33,601 --> 00:15:36,370 being here while the museum is closed. 417 00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,138 [quiet chatter] 418 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:42,309 The entire history of Staten Island! 419 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,078 - Look at this. - [Colin] This is a recreation 420 00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:47,715 of the 19th century immigrant experience, 421 00:15:47,715 --> 00:15:49,717 based on old travel chests 422 00:15:49,717 --> 00:15:52,286 that were never claimed from the customs house. 423 00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,555 This fellow is wearing traditional 424 00:15:54,555 --> 00:15:57,124 Al-Qolnidarian gown. 425 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,660 This is exactly the kind of outfit I wore 426 00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:02,029 on my journey to America. 427 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,231 And I do so love 428 00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:08,035 that this is from the immigrant's perspective. 429 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,739 So accurate, down to the underwear. 430 00:16:11,739 --> 00:16:14,708 Those look very much like a pair I used to own. 431 00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,543 Wait a minute. 432 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,612 Those are a pair I used to own! 433 00:16:18,612 --> 00:16:22,082 How did these fuckers get my stuff?! 434 00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:25,185 Donut wench, I need a dozen powdered Munchkins, 435 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,587 and make it quick. 436 00:16:26,587 --> 00:16:29,323 - A hex is killing my friend. - Okey dokey. 437 00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,392 $5.07 for the Munchkins, 438 00:16:31,392 --> 00:16:33,494 and I'll ignore the other stuff. 439 00:16:33,494 --> 00:16:36,263 Wait-- Wait, hang on, that is her. 440 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,566 That is my friend. How do you know Helen? 441 00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:40,467 Um, I guess I know her from, like, 442 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,770 harassing me and my co-workers. 443 00:16:42,770 --> 00:16:44,438 That's mainly how. 444 00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:46,607 Hang on. Helen Johnson? 445 00:16:46,607 --> 00:16:49,610 I thought her name was Helen the Magic Woman. 446 00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:52,179 [speaks Greek] 447 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,748 Something here stinks of a snake's shit. 448 00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,616 I have your Munchkins. 449 00:16:57,618 --> 00:16:59,353 We need to have a little chat. 450 00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:03,190 What is this? Why does it say Helen Johnson 451 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,692 when your name is Helen the Magic Woman? 452 00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:08,529 I, um, never told you my full name, 453 00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:12,399 which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson. 454 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,767 The hex is playing tricks on you. 455 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,336 This is textbook hex. 456 00:17:15,336 --> 00:17:17,071 The solution is a strawb-- 457 00:17:17,071 --> 00:17:19,106 No! Ugh! 458 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,273 Wait! 459 00:17:22,276 --> 00:17:24,745 You have no idea what it's like 460 00:17:24,745 --> 00:17:27,748 to not be allowed back to the one place 461 00:17:27,748 --> 00:17:29,817 you feel at home. 462 00:17:29,817 --> 00:17:31,151 [sighs] 463 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,353 I do know what it is like 464 00:17:32,353 --> 00:17:34,221 to be driven from the only place 465 00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,723 you have ever called home, 466 00:17:35,723 --> 00:17:38,292 just as I was driven out of my village. 467 00:17:38,292 --> 00:17:39,526 It ain't great. [short chuckle] 468 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,528 My hex may not have been lifted, 469 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,098 but with a little hypnosis, 470 00:17:44,098 --> 00:17:46,400 at least Helen's has been. 471 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,372 Welcome home, sweet freak, Helen "the Magic" Johnson. 472 00:17:51,372 --> 00:17:54,507 You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore. 473 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,612 "This immigrant probably came from a small village 474 00:17:58,612 --> 00:18:01,148 "in the Near Middle East, one 475 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,484 "with a particularly weak army, based 476 00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:05,219 on their inferior weaponry." 477 00:18:05,219 --> 00:18:08,188 What? Those are my travel weapons. 478 00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:11,725 "Also inside was a well-worn good-luck amulet. 479 00:18:11,725 --> 00:18:15,663 "The Atlantic Crossing was terrifying to most uneducated 480 00:18:15,663 --> 00:18:18,532 "travelers of the day, and they sought comfort 481 00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:20,100 in superstitions--" 482 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,202 I was not terrified of shit. 483 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,605 And I don't even know what an amulet is. 484 00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:27,074 That is a key chain given to me by my mommy. 485 00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:29,610 [Colin] It also says that the immigrant 486 00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,413 was a talented writer. 487 00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:35,749 - It does? - "Stories about sexual escapades 488 00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:37,484 while flying in the sky." 489 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,220 That's right-- sky fucking. 490 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,555 Glad to see they've acknowledged 491 00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,424 some of the cool shit that I've done. 492 00:18:43,424 --> 00:18:46,427 "It's a rare example of early erotic fiction." 493 00:18:46,427 --> 00:18:48,495 Fiction? This is not fiction. 494 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,699 - This is my diary! - [Colin] "It is likely that, unable 495 00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:54,101 "to find a sexual partner, 496 00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:57,204 "the immigrant bided his time imagining one. 497 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,707 "The crude and improbable descriptions 498 00:18:59,707 --> 00:19:01,242 "of his intercourse 499 00:19:01,242 --> 00:19:02,810 - [low growling] - "furthermore suggests 500 00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:04,578 - "this individual - Don't say it! 501 00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,080 never had sex." 502 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,447 [Nandor groaning, yelling] 503 00:19:11,118 --> 00:19:14,221 [Colin] Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 504 00:19:15,756 --> 00:19:17,657 - [bleating] - [squealing] 505 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,729 [Laszlo] I know it's tough, Gizmo, but it must be done. 506 00:19:21,729 --> 00:19:24,231 Steady thy hand and become death. 507 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,666 But wait till I'm gone. I don't want to be covered 508 00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,268 in brains and shit. 509 00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,602 - Au revoir. - [bleats] 510 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,104 Bye. 511 00:19:30,104 --> 00:19:32,072 - [whimpering] - Shh. 512 00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:34,674 - [gunshots] - [bleating] - There we go. 513 00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,046 Thank you so much, Guillermo. 514 00:19:39,046 --> 00:19:41,047 - Hey, no one's dying on my wa-- - [creatures exclaiming] 515 00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:43,484 Oh! [grunts] 516 00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,286 - No. No, drop it. Drop it! - [growling] 517 00:19:45,286 --> 00:19:47,554 Sorry about that. 518 00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:50,691 [Colin] Hello. 519 00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:53,594 I thought you might want this 520 00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,496 key ring that your mommy gave you. 521 00:19:55,496 --> 00:19:57,131 I stole it from the museum. 522 00:19:57,131 --> 00:19:59,133 Is this how history is going to remember me, 523 00:19:59,133 --> 00:20:00,534 Colin Robinson, 524 00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:03,037 if it is going to remember me at all? 525 00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:06,373 Well, I also took the liberty 526 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:09,410 of rearranging the museum display. 527 00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:11,278 "This immigrant was a very feared 528 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,614 "and very cool ancient warrior 529 00:20:13,614 --> 00:20:17,217 "who set the world's record for having the most constant 530 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,386 - sexual intercourse"? - Sexual intercourse. 531 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:23,290 "Often while flying, and he was never scared of boat rides." 532 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,758 [Nandor] You're shitting me. 533 00:20:24,758 --> 00:20:28,329 Whatever, you know? Uh, history is a construct. 534 00:20:28,329 --> 00:20:30,030 Thank you, Colin Robinson. 535 00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:31,365 You are not just a cool teacher. 536 00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,734 You are also a cool friend. 537 00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,569 [singsongy] Awkward moment. [short chuckle] 538 00:20:36,837 --> 00:20:39,206 - [brakes squeaks] - Okay. 539 00:20:39,206 --> 00:20:41,775 Just remember: never be seen by the staff. 540 00:20:41,775 --> 00:20:44,278 You're only safe with the old people. 541 00:20:44,278 --> 00:20:46,680 - Okay. - [bleating] I understand. - Yes, we understand. 542 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,049 [Guillermo] So I just dropped them off at a retirement home 543 00:20:49,049 --> 00:20:50,451 that my tía works at. 544 00:20:50,451 --> 00:20:52,086 She's always saying the residents 545 00:20:52,086 --> 00:20:53,454 are really lonely and love company. 546 00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:57,024 - Who has B-1? B-1? - [man] Yeah. B-1. 547 00:20:57,024 --> 00:20:58,759 [Guillermo] And it was super easy to get the paperwork 548 00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,294 for an emotional support animal. 549 00:21:00,294 --> 00:21:03,063 [chuckling, sighing] 550 00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:04,498 [Guillermo] They'll be happy here, 551 00:21:04,498 --> 00:21:06,166 I think. 552 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:09,236 I hope. 553 00:21:09,236 --> 00:21:11,705 ♪ Born free ♪ 554 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,542 ♪ As free as the wind blows ♪ 555 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:18,746 ♪ As free as the grass grows... ♪ 556 00:21:18,746 --> 00:21:22,616 I decided to keep Binky because he's happy here. 557 00:21:22,616 --> 00:21:25,319 [Laszlo] Gizmo, what are you doing out there? 558 00:21:25,319 --> 00:21:27,321 Having a wank? 559 00:21:27,321 --> 00:21:31,058 Ah, good man. Carry on. 560 00:21:31,058 --> 00:21:33,527 - Hey, buddy. - [gurgles] 561 00:21:33,527 --> 00:21:36,263 ♪ Live free ♪ 562 00:21:36,263 --> 00:21:40,200 ♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪ 563 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,237 ♪ The world still astounds you ♪ 564 00:21:43,237 --> 00:21:45,406 ♪ Each time you look at ♪ 565 00:21:45,406 --> 00:21:49,577 ♪ A star ♪ 566 00:21:49,577 --> 00:21:52,546 ♪ Stay free ♪ 567 00:21:52,546 --> 00:21:56,483 ♪ Where no walls divide you ♪ 568 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,386 ♪ You're free as the roaring tides ♪ 569 00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:01,388 ♪ So there's no need ♪ 570 00:22:01,388 --> 00:22:06,026 ♪ To hide ♪ 571 00:22:06,026 --> 00:22:10,097 ♪ Born free ♪ 572 00:22:10,097 --> 00:22:13,500 ♪ Born free... ♪ 573 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:17,538 ♪ Born free ♪ 574 00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:19,540 ♪ Born. ♪ 575 00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:23,073 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org