1 00:00:09,954 --> 00:00:11,623 [engine shuts off] 2 00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:16,399 Hey, dude, I don't remember the password. Let me in. 3 00:00:16,432 --> 00:00:17,669 I think someone's following me. 4 00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,439 Who? 5 00:00:19,472 --> 00:00:21,176 Get in here. It's the doc crew. 6 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,512 [sighs] 7 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,617 You, too. Come on. 8 00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,186 When I ran away from Nandor, 9 00:00:26,219 --> 00:00:27,421 I didn't really know where to go. 10 00:00:27,454 --> 00:00:30,294 [Nandor] Guillermo! 11 00:00:30,327 --> 00:00:33,801 [Guillermo] So I just flew for hours and hours. 12 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,404 Which was a little cool because 13 00:00:35,437 --> 00:00:37,208 that was the longest I've ever stayed a bat. 14 00:00:37,241 --> 00:00:38,511 But also not cool 15 00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:40,214 because I knew Nandor was trying 16 00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,651 to track me down to kill me. 17 00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:43,788 Eventually, I just went to Derek because... 18 00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:45,124 I had no one else to turn to. 19 00:00:45,157 --> 00:00:47,261 I've just been laying low, 20 00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:49,398 hiding for who knows how long. 21 00:00:50,768 --> 00:00:53,407 I wish they had Bravo here. 22 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,545 ["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing] 23 00:00:55,578 --> 00:00:58,150 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 24 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,555 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 25 00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,293 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 26 00:01:03,326 --> 00:01:06,232 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 27 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,675 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 28 00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:13,480 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 29 00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,752 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 30 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,856 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 31 00:01:17,889 --> 00:01:20,360 ♪ ♪ 32 00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:29,713 [door closes] 33 00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:31,282 I think there was a van tailing me, they may have been 34 00:01:31,315 --> 00:01:32,284 -tailing you, too. -Derek, that was them. 35 00:01:32,317 --> 00:01:33,921 Whoa. 36 00:01:33,954 --> 00:01:35,725 -You guys are good. Respect. -Derek, just promise me 37 00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:37,562 you haven't told anyone else that I'm here. 38 00:01:37,595 --> 00:01:39,499 Guillermo, who would I tell? Literally. My neighbor Chad? 39 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,469 Because... yes, actually, I did tell Chad. 40 00:01:41,503 --> 00:01:42,839 This is serious, okay? 41 00:01:42,872 --> 00:01:44,308 My master is actively trying to kill me. 42 00:01:44,341 --> 00:01:45,712 Did you bring my meat? 43 00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,649 Yes, burgers, extra rare, just like you asked. 44 00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:49,820 I tried hypnosis on the cashier so I could get them for free. 45 00:01:49,853 --> 00:01:51,524 Turns out, I'm bad at it. 46 00:01:51,557 --> 00:01:52,826 So, um, I don't know if you use Venmo 47 00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:53,928 or maybe you're a Zelle guy... 48 00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:56,399 [retches] These are not raw. 49 00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:58,303 I can taste that they've kissed the grill, Derek. 50 00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,839 -[stammering] -[knocking] 51 00:02:06,954 --> 00:02:08,691 -Sup, bitch? -What the hell are you doing here? 52 00:02:08,724 --> 00:02:10,227 Did anyone see you? Get inside. 53 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,396 No, and it wouldn't matter if they did 54 00:02:11,429 --> 00:02:13,935 because, hello, I'm in disguise. 55 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,170 Stop dancing, get inside. 56 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,607 How did you find me? 57 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,343 Your friend Derek told me where you were hiding. 58 00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:19,613 [old-timey detective voice] I paid him a little visit 59 00:02:19,646 --> 00:02:21,483 earlier today, see? 60 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,719 So, that was you. 61 00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:24,288 -[laughs] -Who did you think it was? 62 00:02:24,321 --> 00:02:26,359 She told me her name was Detective Policeman. 63 00:02:26,392 --> 00:02:28,330 -[Nadja] That's funny. -I'm gonna need you to do me a favor, buddy. 64 00:02:28,363 --> 00:02:32,672 Can you go to the market and get me some raw, raw meat 65 00:02:32,705 --> 00:02:34,610 and make sure you don't tell anyone where I'm at. 66 00:02:34,643 --> 00:02:35,845 -Can you do that? -Can do, can do. 67 00:02:35,878 --> 00:02:37,549 -Thank you, buddy. -Okay, great. 68 00:02:37,582 --> 00:02:38,785 -Okay. Thanks so much. -See you guys in a minute. 69 00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:40,522 Idiot. 70 00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:42,893 Guillermo. Sit. 71 00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:46,466 You simply cannot talk to the vampire who turned you 72 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,303 with such disrespect. 73 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,340 That is a sacred relationship. 74 00:02:50,373 --> 00:02:51,844 You have to protect him. 75 00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:53,815 Like we protect the Baron and the Sire. 76 00:02:53,848 --> 00:02:56,453 If anything was to happen to that stupid man, 77 00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:58,958 the effects for you, my friend, would be catastrophic. 78 00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:00,762 -Yes. -[blows raspberry] 79 00:03:00,795 --> 00:03:02,599 I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to Derek like that. 80 00:03:02,632 --> 00:03:04,736 I'm just a little bit on edge with the whole, you know-- 81 00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:06,306 Nandor trying to kill you thing. 82 00:03:06,339 --> 00:03:08,511 -Awkward. [laughs] -Which, by the way, um... 83 00:03:08,544 --> 00:03:09,713 Any progress on that end? 84 00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:11,817 Uh, yeah, um, a little. 85 00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:12,819 -You talked to him? -Yeah. 86 00:03:12,852 --> 00:03:14,255 -Yeah? -Yeah. 87 00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:15,390 What'd he say? 88 00:03:15,423 --> 00:03:17,495 -[screaming] -Nandor, come on. 89 00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:18,831 I'm gonna murder him! 90 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,504 Maybe if I write him a letter... 91 00:03:21,537 --> 00:03:24,242 Yeah, like if you wrote him a suicide note, 92 00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:25,879 and actually followed through on it, 93 00:03:25,912 --> 00:03:28,751 then that would probably cool him down. 94 00:03:28,784 --> 00:03:31,824 -[faint moaning] -[springs creaking] 95 00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:34,596 Wow. They're really going at it, aren't they? 96 00:03:34,629 --> 00:03:35,732 [exhales] 97 00:03:35,765 --> 00:03:37,936 [sighs] Why did I do this? 98 00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,807 Look, relationships evolve. 99 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,744 Like me and those Antipaxon people who work at the diner. 100 00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:45,518 At first, I was just using them to get rid of my hex. 101 00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,454 But then it turned out... 102 00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:49,560 I really like hanging out with those guys. 103 00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:51,296 -[loud moaning] -I know you didn't mean... 104 00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:52,699 [clears throat] I know you didn't mean 105 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,068 for things to turn out this way, 106 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,005 -[loud moaning] -but I think it's time 107 00:03:56,038 --> 00:03:57,441 you need to accept-- You know what? 108 00:03:57,474 --> 00:03:59,278 Hang on, I cannot take this anymore! 109 00:03:59,311 --> 00:04:00,748 [man] Yeah! 110 00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:02,418 -[springs creaking wildly] -[door crashes open] 111 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,489 -It's hard, you know. -[woman moaning loudly] 112 00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:05,925 -[indistinct conversation] -To know that you've done something, 113 00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:08,664 that you messed up but you can't... 114 00:04:08,697 --> 00:04:10,802 -[moaning resumes] -...fix it and... 115 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:13,039 -[Nadja moaning] -And she's joined them. 116 00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:14,510 -[moaning] -[thudding] 117 00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:18,316 [Nandor] Night after night, I hunt. 118 00:04:18,349 --> 00:04:22,692 I cannot rest until Guillermo has taken his last breath 119 00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:25,632 and I feel his bones crunch under my boots. 120 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,736 So I've been watching the one place 121 00:04:27,769 --> 00:04:30,909 I know he will return to eventually... 122 00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,979 Panera Bread. 123 00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:34,983 I've got you now. 124 00:04:35,016 --> 00:04:36,720 He can run, 125 00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:38,524 but he cannot run far. 126 00:04:38,557 --> 00:04:40,661 Because he has very short legs. 127 00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:45,838 -[gasps] -Guillermo, now you will die. 128 00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:48,043 -I-I didn't do anything. -[roaring] 129 00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:51,784 Those that betray me will pay the ultimate price, Guillermo. 130 00:04:51,817 --> 00:04:53,119 And this disguise 131 00:04:53,152 --> 00:04:54,823 that has slightly altered your appearance 132 00:04:54,856 --> 00:04:56,125 does not fool me. 133 00:04:56,158 --> 00:04:57,862 I'm not Guillermo! I'm not Guillermo! 134 00:04:57,895 --> 00:05:00,067 I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor. 135 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,037 -Patton Oswalt? -Yeah. 136 00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,507 -An actor? -Yes! 137 00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:04,877 What would I know you from? 138 00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,680 -I was in Ratatouille. -Is that a movie? 139 00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:08,584 It's... It was animated. 140 00:05:08,617 --> 00:05:09,786 I was the voice of a rat. 141 00:05:09,819 --> 00:05:12,091 -I prefer live action. -Uh... 142 00:05:12,124 --> 00:05:13,694 Do you know John Slattery? 143 00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:15,531 I don't know him personally, I know of him. 144 00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:17,535 -He seems really cool. -He is. 145 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:20,040 Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out... 146 00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:21,543 [groans] 147 00:05:21,576 --> 00:05:23,648 [coughing, gasping] 148 00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:24,917 Oh... 149 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,154 My apologies, Patton Oswalt. 150 00:05:27,187 --> 00:05:29,458 You are respectful, unlike Guillermo. 151 00:05:29,491 --> 00:05:30,962 I have been lying in wait for him 152 00:05:30,995 --> 00:05:32,899 on the top of that building there. 153 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,035 It's only a matter of time 154 00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,072 before he returns to Panera Bread, 155 00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:38,410 like a gazelle to his watering hole. 156 00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:41,850 And when he does, I will strike. 157 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,921 Are you sure it's that Panera Bread? 158 00:05:43,954 --> 00:05:45,592 -What do you mean? -There's a lot of Panera Breads. 159 00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,562 They're... They're all over the city. 160 00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:48,630 Shit. 161 00:05:52,939 --> 00:05:54,576 -[knocking] -Who is it? -[Colin] Gigi? 162 00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,580 -Hello. -What are you doing here? 163 00:05:56,613 --> 00:05:58,149 -How did you find me? -Oh, I just... 164 00:05:58,182 --> 00:06:01,624 took a map of Staten Island and laid it over a grid 165 00:06:01,657 --> 00:06:03,159 and looked for any motel that shared a square 166 00:06:03,192 --> 00:06:05,865 with an Arby's, a party store or a sweater shop. 167 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,736 Well, I'm not near any of those things. 168 00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,773 Yeah, I know, so I just asked Nadja. 169 00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,977 Great. What do you want? 170 00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:14,148 First off, I just want to wish you good luck. 171 00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:17,154 You're a nice enough guy caught in a bad sitch. 172 00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,127 I-I don't think any of us were hoping for this outcome for you. 173 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,864 -[briefcase unlocks] -Thank you. 174 00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:26,005 Secondly, I am here to conduct your exit interview, 175 00:06:26,038 --> 00:06:28,143 from your job as a familiar. 176 00:06:28,176 --> 00:06:30,748 And also your life, so... 177 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:34,155 Have a seat. I don't want to take up too much of your time, 178 00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,894 I know it's valuable. [chuckles] 179 00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:39,498 Because there's so little of it left. 180 00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:40,702 -Okay. -[clicks] 181 00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:44,208 Familiar exit interview, 10:47 p.m., 182 00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:47,014 Colin Robinson conducting interview. 183 00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:48,551 Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz," 184 00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:51,890 what's prompting you to leave your job? 185 00:06:51,923 --> 00:06:53,561 Nandor trying to kill me. 186 00:06:53,594 --> 00:06:56,800 And... what was your salary as a familiar? 187 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,537 Oh, I don't get paid. 188 00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,643 [chuckles] No, but honestly, for this to work, 189 00:07:01,676 --> 00:07:03,681 I kind of need a ballpark figure. 190 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,183 $500, $550 a week? 191 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,787 -I don't get paid. -Uh-huh. 192 00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:08,557 And do you think we can get away with 193 00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,528 not paying the next person? 194 00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,799 Okay. This interview's over. 195 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,972 Interview concluded by subject 196 00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:19,713 who was cooperative and at times almost articulate. 197 00:07:19,746 --> 00:07:21,049 -[recorder clicks] -Okay, thank you. 198 00:07:21,082 --> 00:07:23,086 This is just from me. 199 00:07:23,119 --> 00:07:25,525 It was nice having you in the house. 200 00:07:25,558 --> 00:07:26,960 Thanks, Colin. 201 00:07:26,993 --> 00:07:30,601 "Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four Sales Leader, 1977." 202 00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:34,509 I got it at estate sale, but y-you get the drift. 203 00:07:35,845 --> 00:07:37,915 -Congratulations. -Thank you. 204 00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:42,726 I think what bugs me the most 205 00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:44,896 is that I have given Guillermo my friendship. 206 00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:47,836 This is a gift I do not give to just anyone. 207 00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:51,543 Uh, you know, friendship has to be... earned. 208 00:07:51,576 --> 00:07:53,113 How is your, um... 209 00:07:53,146 --> 00:07:54,616 -Turkey Bacon Bravo. -Yes. 210 00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:56,018 It is, it's good. 211 00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:57,221 And I usually get the bread bowls here-- 212 00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:58,958 I think what it is 213 00:07:58,991 --> 00:08:02,063 is that I thought Guillermo had earned it. 214 00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,707 You are a good listener, Patton Oswalt. 215 00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:08,309 You know, it's funny because something like this 216 00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:10,848 happened with me a couple years ago with my manager, we-- 217 00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,986 -Shh. Just listen. -Oh... [grunts] 218 00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:15,290 We are not talking about you right now, 219 00:08:15,323 --> 00:08:17,027 are we, Patton Oswalt? 220 00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,864 -No, we're not. -Mm. 221 00:08:18,897 --> 00:08:21,035 -So, go on. -Thank you. 222 00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:25,711 [knocking] 223 00:08:27,782 --> 00:08:29,586 Who is it? 224 00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:31,255 [Laszlo] Housekeeping. 225 00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:33,259 -I should ask how you found out where-- -Shh, shh. 226 00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,294 What? 227 00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,002 I'm guessing you're content with your... 228 00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,773 toilet paper situation? 229 00:08:39,806 --> 00:08:41,209 Yes, thank you. 230 00:08:41,242 --> 00:08:43,012 All right. 231 00:08:43,045 --> 00:08:44,749 Then I will... 232 00:08:44,782 --> 00:08:47,354 leave you to watch the television for the evening. 233 00:08:47,387 --> 00:08:50,160 And I will say... goodbye. 234 00:08:50,193 --> 00:08:51,897 -[quietly] Sit down. -What's going on? 235 00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:54,870 I must apologize, Gizmo, I feel like I've let you down. 236 00:08:54,903 --> 00:08:56,205 All those science experiments, 237 00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:57,876 they were nothing but a blind alley. 238 00:08:57,909 --> 00:08:59,679 Laszlo, you tried your best. 239 00:08:59,712 --> 00:09:01,282 No, there's been something I... 240 00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:02,886 You-you should probably put something on 241 00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:04,288 that's a bit louder than this. 242 00:09:04,321 --> 00:09:06,292 Otherwise, it won't drown our voices out. 243 00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,029 -[airplanes whirring] -That's better. 244 00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:11,169 I've known you since you were a young familiar. 245 00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,039 And I may have been hard on you in the past, 246 00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:15,177 -and, uh... -[gunfire on TV] 247 00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:16,780 Could you put something that... 248 00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,784 is as loud but less percussive? 249 00:09:18,817 --> 00:09:20,253 -[engines roaring] -Sport, yes, that's better. 250 00:09:20,286 --> 00:09:22,224 And I say, does that thing have any... 251 00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,629 programs of the adult variety? 252 00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:27,201 Uh, I suppose, yeah. 253 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,706 -[giggling] -[Laszlo gasps] -There you go. 254 00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,944 [clears throat] You were saying? 255 00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:33,046 Sorry? 256 00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,315 -You were saying? -Yes. 257 00:09:34,348 --> 00:09:35,918 I was saying... 258 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:38,657 I've known you since you were... 259 00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,327 -a young fa... -[moaning on TV] 260 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,064 What do you think they're gonna do? 261 00:09:42,097 --> 00:09:43,667 -Yeah, Laszlo-- -Yes, yes, 262 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,272 s-sorry, since you were a young familiar. 263 00:09:46,305 --> 00:09:48,978 And, uh, I'm about to tell you something now 264 00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:50,748 that I've never told anyone else before. 265 00:09:50,781 --> 00:09:52,685 [moaning on TV] 266 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,723 -L-Laszlo? -Good grief. 267 00:09:54,756 --> 00:09:56,292 You were going to tell me something 268 00:09:56,325 --> 00:09:58,363 -you never told anyone before...? -Shh. [laughs] 269 00:09:58,396 --> 00:10:00,000 You might have to give me a minute. 270 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,803 [Guillermo] So, yeah, even Laszlo came by. 271 00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,339 If I would've known how... 272 00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,010 my last couple of days would play out, 273 00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:06,713 how the last couple of months... 274 00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:08,216 I would've never asked Derek to turn me. 275 00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:10,120 It's not that I don't want to die, 276 00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:11,990 and trust me, I really, really don't want to die, 277 00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:15,698 but I'm just more afraid of losing the vampires. 278 00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:17,100 My friends. 279 00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,871 I always figured if I got turned into a vampire 280 00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:21,442 that it would... bring me closer to them. 281 00:10:21,475 --> 00:10:24,414 But it's just left me feeling more alone than ever. 282 00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,989 Nandor, can I ask you a question? 283 00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:29,759 Yes, Patton Oswalt. 284 00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:33,166 Your friendship with Guillermo is very special, right? 285 00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,370 I thought it was. 286 00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:38,109 And I bet... 287 00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:40,748 killing a friend... 288 00:10:40,781 --> 00:10:42,184 would really hurt. 289 00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,388 I imagine it would be one of the worst feelings 290 00:10:44,421 --> 00:10:46,158 a person could have. 291 00:10:46,191 --> 00:10:48,396 So, what if you... 292 00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:50,400 repair the friendship? 293 00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,137 -You repair it-- -So you're saying 294 00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:55,143 that I should not kill my former friend? 295 00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,414 -Uh, yes, you-you-- -This is your suggestion? 296 00:10:57,447 --> 00:10:59,084 Well, you know, you rebuild-- 297 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,757 After hearing my tale of deceit and betrayal? 298 00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:05,230 All that betray me must be destroyed. 299 00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,234 -Wait, wait-- -Goodbye, Patton Oswalt. 300 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,271 [screaming] 301 00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:10,775 [body thudding, crashing] 302 00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,044 -[loud thud] -[sighs] 303 00:11:12,077 --> 00:11:14,247 He does make a good point, though. 304 00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,894 -[on video] ...arm, and a block of-- -[knocking loudly] 305 00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:23,366 Of course. 306 00:11:23,399 --> 00:11:27,775 Hi. I just came by to pay you my condolences. 307 00:11:27,808 --> 00:11:31,182 "Sorry for your loss of your life." 308 00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,754 Is there anyone who doesn't know that I'm here? 309 00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:36,158 Well, I'm usually the last one to know, so probably not. 310 00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:37,461 -Thank you. -Yeah. 311 00:11:37,494 --> 00:11:39,131 And then I also brought some friends 312 00:11:39,164 --> 00:11:40,768 who wanted to say goodbye. 313 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,337 Hiya, Daddy. 314 00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,375 -Hey. -Guide lady said you're going off 315 00:11:44,408 --> 00:11:45,443 -to a big, beautiful... -Hey, big guy. 316 00:11:45,476 --> 00:11:47,447 ...farm in the sky. 317 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,285 -Can we come? -[Guillermo] Oh... 318 00:11:49,318 --> 00:11:50,888 -No, buddy. -Aw. 319 00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:55,063 -There's no room at the farm. -[sniffling] 320 00:11:55,096 --> 00:11:56,867 "In the death of a good man, 321 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,004 eternity is seen looking through time." 322 00:11:59,037 --> 00:12:00,841 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. 323 00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:03,212 -[sobbing] -Okay. 324 00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,949 -So-- Oh. -[phone buzzing] 325 00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:06,052 Sorry. 326 00:12:06,085 --> 00:12:07,889 Hola, Ma. 327 00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:09,859 [Nandor] Hello, Guillermo. 328 00:12:09,892 --> 00:12:11,897 I've been looking for you. 329 00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:13,567 Where are you? 330 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,873 Oh, I'm right here having a nice conversation with your mother. 331 00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:19,445 In her apartment. Where she lives. 332 00:12:19,478 --> 00:12:21,015 My mother has nothing to do with this. 333 00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:22,518 If you touch her, I swear... 334 00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:25,858 [Silvia speaking Spanish] 335 00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:27,562 Well, you know where I am. Why don't you come over here 336 00:12:27,595 --> 00:12:29,365 and we can discuss what happens next. 337 00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:30,500 [phone beeps] 338 00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:32,404 -I have to go. -Bye, Daddy. 339 00:12:32,437 --> 00:12:34,041 Have you checked out already? Or is it okay if we hang here? 340 00:12:34,074 --> 00:12:35,811 [Dog Guillermo] He's not coming back. 341 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,217 -Ah, come on, you stupid... -[dings] 342 00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,529 -Get away from her. -Guillermo. 343 00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:47,033 [speaking Spanish] 344 00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,839 I'll be back, okay? 345 00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:50,908 ¿Cómo está, mijo? 346 00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,879 -Hey, Mami. -Mwah. 347 00:12:52,912 --> 00:12:54,582 Don't be long, Sylvia. 348 00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,419 Still want to see the photographs of Guillermo 349 00:12:56,452 --> 00:12:58,423 in this gotico phase. 350 00:12:58,456 --> 00:12:59,859 You can kill me if you want, 351 00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:00,995 but you leave her out of this, okay? 352 00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,431 Oh, I know I could kill you. 353 00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:04,334 And you'd deserve it. 354 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,407 [Guillermo panting] 355 00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:12,484 But I have decided not to. 356 00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:14,021 Yeah, well, I don't believe you. 357 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,358 No, of course you don't. 358 00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:19,398 But something happened recently and... 359 00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,202 it's made me change my mind. 360 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:24,509 -Oh, yeah? What? -My friend Patton Oswalt. 361 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:27,515 He passed away quite suddenly. And, um... 362 00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:31,021 it didn't feel good losing a friend. 363 00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:33,059 How do I know you're telling the truth? 364 00:13:33,092 --> 00:13:34,863 Because I give you my word as a vampire. 365 00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:38,637 -[scoffs] Not good enough. -Then I give you my word... 366 00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,206 as a warrior. 367 00:13:40,239 --> 00:13:42,578 -[hisses] -[grunts] 368 00:13:43,947 --> 00:13:45,984 [speaking Persian] 369 00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:49,324 Translation: 370 00:13:49,357 --> 00:13:51,161 "If I'm lying... 371 00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,502 ...then kill me now." 372 00:14:04,354 --> 00:14:05,490 Then it is settled. 373 00:14:05,524 --> 00:14:07,494 You'll come home with me, alive. 374 00:14:07,528 --> 00:14:08,630 Mami, no! 375 00:14:08,663 --> 00:14:11,302 [speaks Spanish] 376 00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:12,471 Wow, that worked. 377 00:14:12,505 --> 00:14:14,108 -Mm? -Hmm? 378 00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:15,644 [owl hoots] 379 00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:17,147 We return with news. 380 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:19,686 I no longer plan to kill Guillermo. 381 00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,222 -Yay. -[Nadja] Yay. 382 00:14:21,255 --> 00:14:22,592 He will live here in this house, with us, 383 00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:24,394 -as an equal. -[Laszlo laughs] 384 00:14:24,427 --> 00:14:26,098 As a vampire. 385 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,138 -Boo. -Where once we were four, we are now five. 386 00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,541 I think your math is off. 387 00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:32,578 If I had known Gizmo was going to stay with us, 388 00:14:32,611 --> 00:14:34,949 I would've said just kill him and be done with it. 389 00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,586 [Colin] Where is he going to sit? 390 00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,422 I-I'm not giving up my seat. So where is he going to sit? 391 00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:42,030 Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot fully become a vampire 392 00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:43,667 due to his Van Helsing blood. 393 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,270 [Nandor] Laszlo, Laszlo, 394 00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:47,407 with all your experiments and your notetaking, 395 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,679 and your weird-ass, hybrid freaks, 396 00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:52,217 you never thought of the simplest solution. 397 00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:55,724 -Which is? -You never got Guillermo to drink human blood. 398 00:14:55,757 --> 00:15:00,132 -Wait. Y-You never thought of that? -Shut up. 399 00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:03,640 -I don't think I can do this. -You must. 400 00:15:03,673 --> 00:15:05,243 Or else you'll be eternally frozen 401 00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:07,581 in this painful, unending limbo. Now drink. 402 00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:10,453 Come on, Guillermo. 403 00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:12,224 -Drink, bitch. -[Colin] Yeah, drink it, bitch. 404 00:15:12,257 --> 00:15:14,194 -[Laszlo] Yes. -Drink it. -[Nadja] Swallow it all. 405 00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:15,664 -Drink. Drink. -[Nadja] Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink! 406 00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,568 -Swallow it. -Drink. Drink. -Oi, drink. 407 00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:18,636 -Drink. Drink. -[Nadja] Drink it. Take it like a man. 408 00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:21,576 [gasps] 409 00:15:21,609 --> 00:15:23,246 [Laszlo] Fangs. 410 00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,718 -[laughs] -Wow -Ah. 411 00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:27,354 I've never felt more alive. 412 00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:29,258 I really should've thought of that. 413 00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:30,393 I'm a vampire. [laughs] 414 00:15:30,426 --> 00:15:31,696 I'm a vampire! 415 00:15:31,729 --> 00:15:35,170 -I'm a vampire! -[Laszlo] Yahoo. 416 00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:36,238 Yep. 417 00:15:36,271 --> 00:15:37,742 -Nicely done. -[laughs] 418 00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:41,081 [whooshing] 419 00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,154 -One sip of blood and he's like Cornholio over here. -[Laszlo laughs] 420 00:15:44,187 --> 00:15:45,356 Yes. 421 00:15:45,389 --> 00:15:46,526 -[Laszlo] He likes that. 422 00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,229 -[glass shatters] -[Nadja] Ooh. 423 00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:51,202 Behold what I've become. 424 00:15:51,235 --> 00:15:53,306 Yes, yes, we've all been there. 425 00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:55,076 Why are we all sitting on our asses? 426 00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:56,746 Let's do something! What do we do next? 427 00:15:56,779 --> 00:15:57,782 Get a broom. 428 00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:59,752 Now, we hunt! 429 00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,558 -[cheering] -[Nadja] I'm sorry, Mommy needs to eat. 430 00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:04,294 -[Nandor] Hunt, hunt, hunt! -[sighs] 431 00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:05,496 Hunt, hunt! 432 00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,266 FOMO. 433 00:16:10,439 --> 00:16:12,410 [Colin speaking quietly] 434 00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,014 Which reminds me, 435 00:16:14,047 --> 00:16:16,653 what's the fastest way to become a millionaire? 436 00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:20,460 You start as a billionaire and buy a winery. 437 00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:23,099 [chuckles] Just a little wine humor for you. 438 00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:24,434 Oh. [belches] 439 00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,671 [Colin] Sommeliers are a dying breed... 440 00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:28,309 Oh. I've eaten too much. I feel sick. 441 00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:29,746 Go on, Guillermo. 442 00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:32,785 I bonked this one on the head just for you. 443 00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:34,454 They're much easier to drain and kill 444 00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:36,225 when they're not wriggling around. 445 00:16:36,258 --> 00:16:38,296 Oh, no, I-I'm actually not that hungry. 446 00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,068 Okay, well, FYI, if you leave them hanging around too long 447 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:44,742 when they're unconscious, their blood, it loses its zing. 448 00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:47,047 [growling, slurping] 449 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,351 [Guillermo] I've never killed anyone before. 450 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,157 I mean, I guess dozens of vampires. 451 00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:53,760 And I did bring humans 452 00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,598 to the vampires so they could kill them. 453 00:16:55,631 --> 00:16:56,833 And I've dismembered, 454 00:16:56,866 --> 00:16:58,704 like, a ton of dead bodies. 455 00:16:58,737 --> 00:17:01,275 But back at the restaurant, that was a real living person. 456 00:17:01,308 --> 00:17:03,513 And when I leaned in to take... 457 00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:04,515 I could... 458 00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:07,220 smell their shampoo 459 00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:09,157 and all I kept thinking was 460 00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:10,561 this guy was at CVS 461 00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,497 just sniffing away all these shampoos 462 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,434 and says, "Eh, I think I'll get this one 463 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,573 because it reminds me of where I used to go camping as a kid." 464 00:17:16,606 --> 00:17:18,209 [whimpers] 465 00:17:18,242 --> 00:17:20,113 I can't do this, I'm sorry. Could we... 466 00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:22,316 -I can't-- -[audio cuts out] 467 00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:27,460 [door closes] 468 00:17:27,493 --> 00:17:29,531 [approaching footsteps] 469 00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,646 Just as I feared. 470 00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:41,555 Guillermo is not cut out to be a vampire. 471 00:17:42,658 --> 00:17:45,129 I will fix. 472 00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:50,106 [whooshes] 473 00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:51,308 You summoned me? 474 00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,379 Yes, I wish for Guillermo-- 475 00:17:53,412 --> 00:17:56,118 Eh, eh, you ran out of wishes a long time ago. 476 00:17:56,151 --> 00:17:57,588 Have you just been carrying me around? 477 00:17:57,621 --> 00:17:59,291 Maybe. 478 00:17:59,324 --> 00:18:00,728 -Yeah. -[groans] 479 00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,230 Okay, well... 480 00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,535 Nice to see you again. You can, uh... 481 00:18:04,568 --> 00:18:06,271 Can't I stretch my legs a little? 482 00:18:06,304 --> 00:18:08,342 I wish I could help you, but, uh... 483 00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,379 -That's very funny. -Get in the fucking lamp. 484 00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,427 I didn't even know there was a special ceremony for... 485 00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,565 Wait, what was the ceremony called again? 486 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,370 The Ceremony of Vampiric Transmogrification. 487 00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,472 -Oh. -Don't be nervous, 488 00:18:23,506 --> 00:18:24,742 we have all been through it. 489 00:18:24,775 --> 00:18:26,880 Well, is it scary? 490 00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:28,884 Nothing you cannot handle. 491 00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,589 The ancient ceremony will help hasten you along your path. 492 00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:34,662 [ominous music playing] 493 00:18:34,695 --> 00:18:35,931 It is time. 494 00:18:35,964 --> 00:18:37,601 Are you ready? 495 00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,437 I am. 496 00:18:41,876 --> 00:18:43,479 ♪ ♪ 497 00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:44,949 Hey. 498 00:18:44,982 --> 00:18:46,653 Derek is here, too? 499 00:18:46,686 --> 00:18:48,957 Yes. Fucking guy. 500 00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:52,230 But ancient ritual dictates that he must be present. 501 00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:54,702 -Come on. -[Guillermo] Hey, everyone. 502 00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:56,472 Hello. 503 00:18:56,506 --> 00:18:57,641 -Derek. -Hey. 504 00:18:57,674 --> 00:18:59,311 [music shuts off] 505 00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:00,848 -[Nandor clears throat] -[stomps, bell tolls] 506 00:19:00,881 --> 00:19:04,555 Vampires all, gather we here in the dark of night? 507 00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:05,824 [vampires] We do. 508 00:19:05,857 --> 00:19:08,429 We have made of ourselves a circle? 509 00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:10,266 -The circle-- -The circle unbroken. -Unbroken. 510 00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,872 [Nandor] We gather here in a circle unbroken 511 00:19:12,905 --> 00:19:15,410 at the crossroads between life and death. 512 00:19:15,443 --> 00:19:18,984 Guillermo de la Cruz, are you prepared? 513 00:19:19,017 --> 00:19:20,621 I am. 514 00:19:20,654 --> 00:19:23,459 Guillermo de la Cruz, are you of sound mind 515 00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:24,896 and strong of body? 516 00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:26,398 I am. 517 00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:27,701 A choice will be made. 518 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,972 This choice can only be made by you. 519 00:19:30,005 --> 00:19:33,279 We vampires here are only witnesses. 520 00:19:33,312 --> 00:19:36,351 Mistress of Ceremony, prepare the flames. 521 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:37,821 [clears throat] That's me. 522 00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,694 Nicely done. 523 00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:44,702 Guillermo de la Cruz, I will now ask you one question. 524 00:19:44,735 --> 00:19:47,608 The answer must come from your heart. 525 00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:49,545 For this is the last time 526 00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:51,583 you get to make this final choice. 527 00:19:51,616 --> 00:19:53,687 -Do I make myself clear? -Mm-hmm. 528 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,661 The question is: Would you rather be a human... 529 00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,000 ...or vampire? 530 00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:11,287 A human. 531 00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,566 As I predicted. 532 00:20:16,599 --> 00:20:17,868 It's not that I don't want to be a vampire, 533 00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,337 -I really, really do. -Sure. 534 00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:20,741 It's all the killing. 535 00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:22,443 You can spare us the details, it's fine. 536 00:20:22,476 --> 00:20:24,615 You want to be a human, there's no shame in that. 537 00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,051 -We're gonna make it happen. -Wait, what? 538 00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:29,692 Mistress of Ceremony, distribute the hoods. 539 00:20:29,725 --> 00:20:31,328 That's me again. 540 00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:34,434 -You're doing a great job. -Thank you, Derek. 541 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,038 -Can I get a smaller-- -They're unisex. 542 00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,808 -It's a one size fits all situation? Okay. -Yep. Mm-hmm. 543 00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:39,779 Do I get a hood, or... 544 00:20:39,812 --> 00:20:40,781 -[Nandor] Hurry it up. -[Baron] I have one for you, too. 545 00:20:40,814 --> 00:20:42,383 [Sire] Thank you. 546 00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:45,657 We blind ourselves that none may witness. 547 00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:47,460 Hoods on, everyone. 548 00:20:47,493 --> 00:20:50,066 ♪ We blind ourselves ♪ 549 00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:55,577 [together] ♪ That none may see. ♪ 550 00:20:55,610 --> 00:20:58,315 [Nandor] Very nice. Proceed to position two. 551 00:20:58,348 --> 00:20:59,819 [bell tolling] 552 00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:01,355 [Derek] I'm sorry, w-what's position two? 553 00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:02,791 Just as you are, Derek, that's fine. 554 00:21:02,824 --> 00:21:05,564 -Wait, what? -It is the only way, Guillermo. 555 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,601 -W-Won't I die, too? -No. 556 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,805 You'll go back to how you were when you were turned. 557 00:21:09,838 --> 00:21:12,410 You'll just get a month older really quickly. 558 00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:13,813 There's got to be another way. 559 00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:15,751 There's no other way. 560 00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:17,921 It is the only way. 561 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,389 [exhales] 562 00:21:38,495 --> 00:21:40,099 -I can't do this. -[coughs] Knew it. 563 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,036 [Derek] I'm sorry, can't do what? What am I missing? 564 00:21:42,069 --> 00:21:43,038 [Nandor] Just keep that hood on, Derek. You're doing great. 565 00:21:43,071 --> 00:21:44,040 [Derek] Thank you. 566 00:21:44,073 --> 00:21:46,010 You want me to do it? 567 00:21:47,948 --> 00:21:50,119 -I don't know. -I do. 568 00:21:50,152 --> 00:21:51,722 Give me that. 569 00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,731 [Derek grunts] 570 00:21:55,764 --> 00:21:58,837 [Nandor] Guillermo, you okay? 571 00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,607 -[Colin] Whoa! [Laszlo] Um... -[Nandor] Oh, shit. 572 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,443 [Guillermo] Everything's kind of blurry. 573 00:22:02,476 --> 00:22:04,013 I think I need my old glasses. 574 00:22:05,617 --> 00:22:07,487 -Here. -Thank you. 575 00:22:07,521 --> 00:22:08,957 Well, that was fun. 576 00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:10,594 Can we turn the regular lights on now, please? 577 00:22:10,627 --> 00:22:12,865 Oh, sure. Can somebody help me pick up all these 578 00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:15,002 hoods and robes? 579 00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,906 Eh, just leave them. Garfield will pick 'em up later. 580 00:22:16,939 --> 00:22:20,112 I must say, the, uh, the banners are a lovely touch. 581 00:22:20,145 --> 00:22:21,583 You know, I like them, too. 582 00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:22,851 What do they mean? 583 00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:24,622 I don't know, to be honest, Baron. 584 00:22:24,655 --> 00:22:26,926 I just wanted something that looked cool and creepy. 585 00:22:26,959 --> 00:22:28,462 Very nice, yes. 586 00:22:28,495 --> 00:22:30,132 [speaking vampiric language] 587 00:22:30,165 --> 00:22:32,504 We have a sitter waiting at home, so we're gonna head out. 588 00:22:32,537 --> 00:22:34,107 -Good evening. -Kalinychta. -[Guide] Bye. 589 00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,613 [Nandor] Anyone up for a game of parcheesi? 590 00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,082 [Nadja] Maybe a movie. 591 00:22:38,115 --> 00:22:39,518 -I'm zonked. -[Colin] The Brothers McMullin? 592 00:22:39,551 --> 00:22:40,821 That wasn't even a real ceremony, was it? 593 00:22:40,854 --> 00:22:42,558 No. 594 00:22:42,591 --> 00:22:45,631 I found the robes in a box in the attic and, uh... 595 00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,034 the candles I think we got from a Home Depot? 596 00:22:50,674 --> 00:22:52,578 I'm sorry, Guillermo. 597 00:22:52,611 --> 00:22:53,880 It was the only way for you to figure out 598 00:22:53,913 --> 00:22:55,717 what you actually wanted. 599 00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:58,489 It was a horrible and hard decision. 600 00:22:58,523 --> 00:23:00,058 I think you made the right choice. 601 00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,198 I know. 602 00:23:03,231 --> 00:23:05,102 Now, if you wouldn't mind clearing up Derek's corpse 603 00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:07,874 before sunrise, that would be great. 604 00:23:14,521 --> 00:23:17,528 Its alright i"ll give you a hand. 605 00:23:17,561 --> 00:23:18,929 Thanks, Laszlo. 606 00:23:20,199 --> 00:23:22,871 ♪ ♪ 607 00:23:26,044 --> 00:23:28,182 -You take the bag, I'll take Derek. -Okay. 608 00:23:28,215 --> 00:23:30,486 Come on, old chap. You better get the door. 609 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,622 [Guillermo] Mr. Necromancer? 610 00:23:31,655 --> 00:23:33,058 [knocking] 611 00:23:34,661 --> 00:23:36,833 And you have the necessary items required 612 00:23:36,866 --> 00:23:38,503 for the procedure to succeed? 613 00:23:38,536 --> 00:23:40,540 He means the cash. 614 00:23:40,573 --> 00:23:41,943 [Guillermo] Yeah, it was almost all the money I gave Derek 615 00:23:41,976 --> 00:23:43,913 to turn me into a vampire. 616 00:23:43,946 --> 00:23:46,853 He only spent like $270 on "vampire clothes" 617 00:23:46,886 --> 00:23:49,190 that he got from Hot Topic. 618 00:23:49,223 --> 00:23:52,196 You don't need to count it. It's all there, necromancer. 619 00:23:52,229 --> 00:23:53,666 I should trust you 620 00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:55,504 when you when you show me no respect for me 621 00:23:55,537 --> 00:23:57,541 or my beguiling powers? 622 00:23:57,574 --> 00:23:58,943 Respect? For a fraud? 623 00:23:58,976 --> 00:24:01,114 But you've seen my methods succeed. 624 00:24:01,147 --> 00:24:03,853 I've seen your magic. It has a fraudulent vibe. 625 00:24:03,886 --> 00:24:05,590 Okay, okay. Boys, why don't we focus? 626 00:24:05,623 --> 00:24:07,894 [chanting] 627 00:24:10,099 --> 00:24:12,871 He's doing his scatting shit. 628 00:24:12,904 --> 00:24:15,744 -[chanting] -[bell tolls] 629 00:24:15,777 --> 00:24:19,183 -[thunder crashing] -[manic chanting] 630 00:24:22,791 --> 00:24:25,262 Yah! [spits] 631 00:24:25,295 --> 00:24:27,166 Get in, you dirty bastard! 632 00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,937 [gasps] 633 00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,139 [gurgling] 634 00:24:30,172 --> 00:24:31,274 Derek... 635 00:24:31,307 --> 00:24:33,613 [gasping] 636 00:24:33,646 --> 00:24:35,817 [raspy] What's up, dude? 637 00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:37,688 All right. Begone with ya. 638 00:24:37,721 --> 00:24:39,224 He's all yours. 639 00:24:39,257 --> 00:24:41,696 But, uh, if you're worried about taking care of him, 640 00:24:41,729 --> 00:24:43,098 we do have a new offer. 641 00:24:43,131 --> 00:24:44,602 Of course you do. 642 00:24:44,635 --> 00:24:45,904 -For a nominal fee... -Here he goes. 643 00:24:45,937 --> 00:24:47,273 ...a rehousing option. 644 00:24:47,306 --> 00:24:48,743 -[whistles] Topher! -No. 645 00:24:48,776 --> 00:24:50,312 [snarling] 646 00:24:50,345 --> 00:24:51,716 [Laszlo] What the fuck? 647 00:24:51,749 --> 00:24:55,022 [guttural] Who calls... Topher? 648 00:24:55,055 --> 00:24:56,659 What's this "Thriller" shit? 649 00:24:56,692 --> 00:24:59,297 -[gasping] -[screaming] 650 00:24:59,330 --> 00:25:00,867 [normal voice] JK. 651 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,036 -[laughter] -[Laszlo] Oh, it's that guy. 652 00:25:02,069 --> 00:25:04,274 -Topher! -Yeah, baby. Sup, guys? 653 00:25:04,307 --> 00:25:05,911 How you doing, Guillermo? 654 00:25:05,944 --> 00:25:07,748 [Guillermo] Topher, you look, uh... 655 00:25:07,781 --> 00:25:09,317 -You look like shit. -Well, I'm au naturel, babe. 656 00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:11,021 I've had some work done. 657 00:25:11,054 --> 00:25:12,591 You know, I'm still undead, 658 00:25:12,624 --> 00:25:14,127 but I'm making the most of it, man. 659 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,997 Once you get used to the zombie body, 660 00:25:16,030 --> 00:25:18,168 you can actually learn to talk normal again. 661 00:25:18,201 --> 00:25:20,172 Like this. Pretty cool, huh? 662 00:25:20,205 --> 00:25:21,943 -He just does the accent for the tourists. -Eh, you know. 663 00:25:21,976 --> 00:25:23,680 Take 'em for an arm and a leg. 664 00:25:23,713 --> 00:25:25,282 -[laughter] -Yeah, man. 665 00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:26,752 Who we got here? 666 00:25:26,785 --> 00:25:28,957 -Der. Ek. -[Topher] Oh, hey, look at that. 667 00:25:28,990 --> 00:25:30,694 Yeah, he's trying. 668 00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:32,063 It's gonna take him a couple months 669 00:25:32,096 --> 00:25:33,666 to learn how to use the ol' mouth again. 670 00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:35,670 But in the meantime, the more the merrier. 671 00:25:35,703 --> 00:25:38,142 Hey, Derek. How would you like to join a gang 672 00:25:38,175 --> 00:25:40,212 of crazy motherfuckers just like yourself? 673 00:25:40,245 --> 00:25:41,949 There's always room for a new friend. 674 00:25:41,982 --> 00:25:44,354 -Friend? -Yeah. Friend! 675 00:25:44,387 --> 00:25:46,091 High five! [laughs] 676 00:25:46,124 --> 00:25:47,895 Oh, yeah, takes a second. 677 00:25:47,928 --> 00:25:49,297 -Come on, buddy. -Whoa! 678 00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:51,368 -Easy, Derek. -[laughs] 679 00:25:51,401 --> 00:25:54,809 Hey, boys, set a place at the table for our new friend Derek! 680 00:25:54,842 --> 00:25:56,344 -[zombies cheering] -[laughter] 681 00:25:56,377 --> 00:25:58,115 Hey, you like eating human flesh? 682 00:25:58,148 --> 00:26:00,654 -[growls] -Oh, you will. 683 00:26:00,687 --> 00:26:02,056 Very... cool. 684 00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:04,394 -Bye, Derek. -[Laszlo] Bye, Derek. 685 00:26:04,427 --> 00:26:06,665 ["Infidel Zombie" by The Dickies playing] 686 00:26:10,105 --> 00:26:12,043 ♪ Well, I've been running for a while ♪ 687 00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:16,051 ♪ And I know that the I'm next in line... ♪ 688 00:26:16,084 --> 00:26:17,654 Do you take Venmo? 689 00:26:17,687 --> 00:26:20,794 Venmo? I take cash, hard cash or gold coin. 690 00:26:20,827 --> 00:26:22,063 Or Zelle. 691 00:26:22,096 --> 00:26:24,668 ♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪ 692 00:26:24,701 --> 00:26:27,206 ♪ And she gets depressed with duress ♪ 693 00:26:27,239 --> 00:26:29,210 ♪ A love that cannot find me ♪ 694 00:26:29,243 --> 00:26:31,883 ♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪ 695 00:26:31,916 --> 00:26:34,354 ♪ And she gets depressed with duress ♪ 696 00:26:34,387 --> 00:26:36,358 ♪ A love that cannot find me ♪ 697 00:26:36,391 --> 00:26:38,963 ♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪ 698 00:26:38,996 --> 00:26:41,401 ♪ Let me tell you, I don't believe it ♪ 699 00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:44,073 ♪ There's a bullet with my name on it now ♪ 700 00:26:44,106 --> 00:26:45,844 ♪ I don't believe it ♪ 701 00:26:45,877 --> 00:26:47,113 ♪ There's a bullet with my name on it ♪ 702 00:26:47,146 --> 00:26:49,017 ♪ I said I don't believe it ♪ 703 00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:51,956 ♪ There's a bullet with my name on it now. ♪ 704 00:26:51,989 --> 00:26:54,193 ♪ ♪ 705 00:27:07,754 --> 00:27:11,257 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org