1 00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,671 So, yes, it has been quite a summer. 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:07,541 - We finally got a new familiar. - Yeah. 3 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:10,376 - But he had an accident and died. - Yeah. 4 00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:12,613 Left a bit. Left a bit more. 5 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,480 It's not even. 6 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:18,585 Ooh. Shit. 7 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,721 So we found another one and she had an accident 8 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,789 and she died. 9 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,390 Oh, fuck. 10 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:31,765 I had what is known as a summer of self-discovery. 11 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,568 I was being a vapor 12 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:39,706 and I got sucked into an air purifier. 13 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,875 But apart from that, 14 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,777 pretty slow summer. 15 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,346 And then the same thing happened with the next one. 16 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,216 I spent so much time at the DMV 17 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,553 they finally just gave me a license. 18 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,522 I did what any young, handsome man would do, 19 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,525 I went and bought a classic convertible, 20 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:02,696 put the top down, blasted some tunes and, uh, 21 00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,666 I blocked the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. 22 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:09,335 This is gonna ruin my day, too, you know. 23 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,071 - And then the next one. - Yep. 24 00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:17,844 We've been through about six... No, seven familiars this year. 25 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,646 - Seven? - Yeah, remember Joey? 26 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,248 No, my dear, I'm not that familiar. 27 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,819 No, don't you remember? 28 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:28,221 His intestines came straight out of his bum. 29 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,290 - Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah. - Mm. 30 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,158 Not much new with me. I've been spending 31 00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:33,927 a lot more time in the upstairs bathroom. 32 00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,997 But besides that, my summer's been pretty mellow and... Ooh. 33 00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,965 There's this little guy. 34 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,068 Here. I've been trying to make friends with him all summer. 35 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:44,104 Don't be afraid. Come on in. 36 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:53,946 Oh, sh... 37 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,252 That's the tenth vampire I killed this month. 38 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,187 These vampire assassins keep trying to kill 39 00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:02,523 Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo 40 00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:05,626 ever since they escaped from the Vampiric Council. 41 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,003 I'm doing it to protect my master. 42 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,295 But I can't tell him I'm a vampire killer, 43 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,832 because then he'd have to kill me. 44 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,634 Guillermo, what are you doing? 45 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,645 - Dusting. - Well, can you dust more quietly please? 46 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:18,905 - I'm trying to sleep. - Okay. 47 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,407 I haven't slept in 72 hours. I've been eating 48 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,519 these chocolate-covered espresso beans. 49 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,953 They give you enough pep just to keep going 50 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,354 and just keep going, going, going and pretend... 51 00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:26,847 - Ah! - Guillermo? 52 00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,715 Someone's in here! Please don't open the door. 53 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,084 Did you make a messy toilet again? 54 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,820 - I-I did. I-I had an accident. - Whoopsie. 55 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,723 - Well, actually, I just wanted to... - No, Master, don't open... 56 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,225 Oh, Guillermo. 57 00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:42,162 You should really drink more water. 58 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,837 ♪♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪♪ 59 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,239 ♪♪ They have no use for your song ♪♪ 60 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,976 ♪♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪♪ 61 00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,712 ♪♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪♪ 62 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:03,617 ♪♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪♪ 63 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,419 ♪♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪♪ 64 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,689 ♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪♪ 65 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:12,292 ♪♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪♪ 66 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,468 Anyway, that is all in the past, 67 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,205 because we have finally found us a good one. 68 00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:28,108 Topher, come in here! 69 00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:30,143 - Look at this. - Tophie! 70 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,713 Your skull polish, madam. 71 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,581 - I'll be right outside. - There he goes. 72 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,684 Take care of business. Ooh. 73 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,686 Topher is an absolutely 74 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,856 "Bob's your money" spectacular familiar. 75 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,124 And his résumé 76 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:45,692 is impeccable. 77 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,294 It is. He is proficient in Excel. 78 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,763 And went to Lehigh. 79 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,365 Now, my wife and I have not a whore's notion 80 00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,467 what any of that means. 81 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,002 But we like it. 82 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,771 Need any help with that, G-Money? 83 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,405 Nah, I got it. 84 00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,575 It's like my father used to say. 85 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,444 "Never accept a towel from an Italian." 86 00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:07,013 - Yeah. Topher. - Very true, darling. 87 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,414 - Master. - Watching you stretch 88 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,584 your young body across that fireplace, 89 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,886 - you know who you remind me of? - Who, Master? 90 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,621 Me. 91 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,122 Bring it in. 92 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,658 You're the best. 93 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,694 - Guillermo! Guillermo! - Y-Yes, Master? 94 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,663 Yes? 95 00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:25,365 I dragged my cape through a street doo-doo again. 96 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,634 I dragged it for three blocks before I noticed 97 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,503 and I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it 98 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,171 for another eight blocks after that. 99 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:34,107 - Why did you do that, Master? - Well, I thought it would help, 100 00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,142 you know, drag the doo-doo off. 101 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,712 - Anyway, take care of it please. - Hey, uh, 102 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,581 you want me to fly in with the assist? No! 103 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:41,958 That actually is a-a lot of shit on it. 104 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,651 This is a good solo job for Guillermo. 105 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,754 But thank you for the hustle, Topherino! 106 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:48,821 Look out. 107 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:52,058 - Hustle...? - I don't think so. 108 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,961 - It looks fantastic in here. - Doesn't it? 109 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,030 I could watch him clean all day. Yes. 110 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,932 All right, I'm glad to hear you say that. 111 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,133 Uh-huh. 112 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,334 All right. 113 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,336 All right! Bye, Bobby. 114 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,205 It's my little side hustle. 115 00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:08,208 I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this dope new line of hard ciders. 116 00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:12,245 It's called Doze Apples Hard Cider. 117 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,115 That's clever, 'cause it... They're made with apples. 118 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:16,316 Apple flavoring, 119 00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:17,827 - we have to say. - Do Laszlo and Nadja 120 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,485 - know about this? - Eh. 121 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,797 What they don't know can't hurt them. 122 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,889 - Am I right? High five. - I... 123 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,801 - Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging. - I don't know. Just... 124 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,268 - With our job... - Dawg. Don't leave me hanging, dawg. 125 00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,895 - And we're just... - Dawg. Don't leave me hang... 126 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,840 - I just think that... - No, give me a better one, dawg. 127 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,241 - I just think... - Again, high five! 128 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,334 Oh, yeah. High five. 129 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,702 I feel like there's a way 130 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,071 to be cool... which you are, you're very cool... 131 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:40,273 - Thank you. - And also, respectful, you know? 132 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,008 You need to let them know 133 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,778 that you are worthy of being turned into a vampire someday. 134 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,547 - Which is why we're here. - To be honest, 135 00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,582 I don't really care about being a vampire. 136 00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,684 I'm sorry, what? 137 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,719 Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised 138 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,921 that Topher does not want to be a vampire. 139 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,657 Who doesn't want to be a vampire? 140 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:59,860 What are you doing if you don't... 141 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,895 - What-what do you want to be? - I don't know. 142 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,329 Maybe a warlock. 143 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,741 - That'd be cool. - That would be cool. 144 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,533 That's, like, above vampire. 145 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,001 Alla-kazoom! 146 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,504 And it would explode or something. 147 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:14,440 He's still learning. He's still finding himself. 148 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,742 He'll get there. 149 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,878 So, these are like money. 150 00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,446 You go to any store that sells Doze Apples Hard Cider, 151 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,816 pay for the cider with real money, but then, 152 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,351 you mail in this card to the address there on the back. 153 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:28,354 And I can explain this whole process 154 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:29,956 as I'm handing these out? 155 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,958 Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once. 156 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,861 You know, if you want, you can drain me right now. 157 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,706 I'm, like, firing on all four cylinders, you know? 158 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,775 You can crunch up as much as you want. I can make some more. 159 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,601 I... Yeah, I want to, Topher, 160 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,704 but I'm having a pickle of a time draining you. 161 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,138 I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson. 162 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,708 Like, I know you're trying to bore me... 163 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,010 Hang on. 164 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,546 Come on in. 165 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,083 The stuff that you tell me is just so interesting. 166 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,418 You know? 167 00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,020 Sue me. 168 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,523 - Who was at the door? - I don't know. 169 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,025 Unbelievable. Topher? 170 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,528 Topher, did you happen to let two vampires into the house? 171 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,806 - Hey, hang on, dawg. - Look, there's a couple rules you need to follow. 172 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,373 - I know you're new, okay, but... - Sorry, just, uh, 173 00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:13,075 conferencing with this guy I used to intern for, 174 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,135 this dope werewolf... You might know him, actually. 175 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,641 First of all, werewolves are not dope, so I wouldn't know him. 176 00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:19,272 - Uh, this guy's pretty dope. - No. 177 00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,250 Look, I don't mean to be hard on you, but it's important 178 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,544 you follow the rules for everyone's safety. 179 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,254 Do me a favor and stay away from the koi pond. 180 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,356 I think there's an electrical short from the heater, so just 181 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,559 - stay away from it... - Have you tried turning it off and back on again? 182 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,184 No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay? 183 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,295 - The electric guy's gonna be here on Monday. - Always works for me. 184 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:34,955 So just leave it alone... 185 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,594 Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died. 186 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,229 Another familiar dead, you know? 187 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,399 But... that's the business. 188 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,069 I'm used to it. 189 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,004 That's bad, right? 190 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:56,810 Death comes for us all. 191 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:00,013 It comes for the bees. 192 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,815 It comes for the trees. 193 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:06,987 It comes for, uh, basically anyone from zero on up, 194 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,155 so... one... 195 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,290 Are you kidding? 196 00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:12,425 Two, three, four. 197 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,994 Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson. 198 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,530 - We're weak enough as it is. - Perhaps there is 199 00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,533 - a familiar killer on the loose? - What? 200 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,401 Well, I was just thinking, you know, 201 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:22,836 if there are vampire killers, 202 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,405 then why not familiar killers, also? 203 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,874 There's no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord. 204 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,476 - Well... - What was that, Guillermo? 205 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,984 I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt 206 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,914 to be more cautious and alert. 207 00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,448 Enough of this! 208 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,083 This is horse piss. We are vampires. 209 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:39,319 We can do better than this for our Topher. 210 00:08:39,385 --> 00:08:41,121 Guillermo, dig him up. 211 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,255 Yes. 212 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,525 Please be respectful of his mud. 213 00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:46,392 A necromancer is someone 214 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,128 who can reanimate the dead. 215 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,064 It's a truly fantastical part of the dark arts. 216 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,700 And I happen to have a very good old pal 217 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,902 Wallace... 218 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,806 who is excellently proficient in the art of necromancy. 219 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,909 No, he's excellent, at the dark art of ripping you off. 220 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,811 These people are shysters. 221 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,147 They're obsessed with the upsell. 222 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,816 I'm sure his hut is around here somewhere. 223 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,152 It's a classic necromancer scam. 224 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,455 "Meet me at my hut." What bloody hut? 225 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,659 There it is. I'm certain of it. 226 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,161 Look at all those pale, desperate wretches 227 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,029 scurrying around in the moonlight. 228 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,965 It's a performing arts school. 229 00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:28,101 Hey, a high school production of Thornton Wilder's 230 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,904 Our Town with a Q and A afterwards. 231 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,640 - Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum. - You seek 232 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,576 the necromancer? 233 00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,410 What the...? 234 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,412 I am they. 235 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,581 Hello, Wallace! 236 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,750 Come on, everyone! 237 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:47,420 I've got a lovely pot of stew if anyone's hungry. No. 238 00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:50,991 - I see you admiring my wares. Anything tickle your fancy? - No. 239 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,294 Hush. These bracelets ward off the evil eye. 240 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,630 - Ooh. Ooh. - This one attracts the evil eye. 241 00:09:56,697 --> 00:10:00,901 And this one increases sexual stamina. Yeah. 242 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,803 You could do with a leg up. 243 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,840 And these are key chains that look like license plates. Uh-huh. 244 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,509 Look, mister, we are not interested 245 00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,511 in your tricks and trinkets. 246 00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:13,747 This one would make a cute gift for a man named Steve. 247 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,783 Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace, what we are here for 248 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,094 is we were hoping you could reanimate 249 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,620 our beloved familiar Topher. 250 00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:22,388 Yes, uh, how long has he been dead? 251 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,725 - Huh? - Oh, that is Guillermo. 252 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,594 He is not dead, although sometimes we wish he was. 253 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,598 Just a little joke there, Guillermo, 254 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,099 I got it. 255 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,001 All right, so, uh, where's the carcass? 256 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:38,404 Yes. Guillermo, fetch the carcass. 257 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,174 - The what? - The carcass. 258 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,944 - The cadaver, man. - I'll go get the body. 259 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,846 What was that? 260 00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,781 I'll go get the carcass. 261 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,349 Better. 262 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,958 And did you bring a personal item belonging to the deceased? 263 00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,293 Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge. 264 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,304 Uh, Guillermo, you did bring the mini-fridge, yeah? 265 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,832 He absolutely loved this cold, white little box. 266 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,801 And the foot of a deranged cat, 267 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,771 the night-thistle, the parcel of wolf's-bane 268 00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,139 and the $350 cash? 269 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,908 - Thank you. - It's all there, 270 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,176 razzle-dazzle man. 271 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,612 Good, good. I can't stress enough 272 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,514 the $350 cash. 273 00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:23,550 - Yeah, I'll bet you can't. - Otherwise, the spells don't work. 274 00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,318 Wallace, do you think we are going to get 275 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,488 - our beloved Topher back? - Well, he seems well preserved. 276 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,692 Everything seems to want to... seems to be intact. 277 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,694 He hasn't had that, uh, 278 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,461 intestines out of the asshole, has he? 279 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:36,563 - No, no. - Good, 280 00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:38,331 'cause that really yucks me out. 281 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,367 Right, then, here we go. Hold on to your hats. 282 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,344 Yes! You're alive! 283 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,846 You can jive! 284 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,681 Your spirit rise! 285 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,216 ♪♪ The light has gone ♪♪ 286 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,918 ♪♪ Out of your eyes ♪♪ 287 00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,085 ♪♪ What a surprise ♪♪ 288 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,821 - ♪♪ Yah! ♪♪ - Is he scatting? 289 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,523 No, of course not. 290 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,757 ♪♪ Zippidee-dop ♪♪ 291 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,025 ♪♪ A-zippidee-doo ♪♪ 292 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,193 ♪♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop, wabada-boo... ♪♪ 293 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,729 This is bullshit. 294 00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,030 Shut up. 295 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,096 ♪♪ Ooh-eh ♪♪ 296 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,401 Oh-pah! 297 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,145 Zombra, zombra, zombra. 298 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,880 Zambra, zombra. 299 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,314 Why is he looking at his phone? 300 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,221 It probably just can't wait. It's an emergency. 301 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:34,521 Z-Zombra, zambra, zombra, zombra, zombra. 302 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,890 Zombarisa... 303 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,025 Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai, hai, hai! 304 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,426 Ba-boom! 305 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,830 Oh! -Ew! -Get in, you bastard! 306 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:47,267 The end. I have achieved reanimation. 307 00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,035 Your beloved familiar 308 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,071 will return to you tomorrow. 309 00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,607 - Tomorrow? - Life takes time, my friend. 310 00:12:53,674 --> 00:12:57,143 We are reversing the very power of nature itself. 311 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,912 But there's a-a quickening ritual, 312 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,014 if you want to chivvy things along. 313 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,825 As we're all friends, I could do it for a hundy. 314 00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:05,185 - No, you bloody won't. - We're not interested. 315 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,953 Thank you so very much, Wallace. 316 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,689 ♪♪ Zappidee-doo. ♪♪ 317 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,124 Zappidee-doo. 318 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,641 Everything is back to normal, because our Topher is back! 319 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,233 It's true. I've got to admit, 320 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,468 Wallace, as contemptible a man as he is, 321 00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:26,339 - actually came up trumps. - Told you so. 322 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,876 You fucking didn't. 323 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:32,546 Don't tell Guillermo, but... 324 00:13:32,613 --> 00:13:35,248 I'm so happy Topher is back. 325 00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:39,385 All right, let us begin with the minutes. 326 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,887 I am here. 327 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,256 Guillermo, you are there. 328 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,558 And, um... 329 00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:46,660 To-pher! 330 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:47,994 Oh, Tophie! 331 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,262 And there is Topher. 332 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,163 Wonderful. 333 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,965 We are all here. We can begin. 334 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,667 Firstly... And I'm not naming names... 335 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,770 But I have recently noticed that the house reeks 336 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,806 of decaying flesh, and there are dead birds everywhere. 337 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,274 Topher! 338 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,143 As I say, I'm not naming names. 339 00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,111 But if we do have an issue, 340 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,113 then it's important that we all work together 341 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,983 to let Guillermo know, so that he can fix it. 342 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,918 Doze Apples! 343 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,557 Off he goes. 344 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,158 That chap's tireless, isn't he? 345 00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,194 You could learn something from Topher, no, Guillermo? 346 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,172 I actually have an order of business I'd like to discuss. 347 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,598 - Oh... - Okay. 348 00:14:24,665 --> 00:14:26,933 - The floor is yours. - I'm a little bit concerned 349 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,000 about Topher. 350 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,970 I think there might be something 351 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,972 really wrong with him. 352 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,541 Topher! Aah! 353 00:14:34,608 --> 00:14:37,944 He waits under my bed and tries to bite me, for one. Yes. 354 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,546 He eats live birds and insects. 355 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,648 I think, I think he might be a zombie. 356 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,852 That, my boy, sounds like slander. 357 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,421 Nandor, what are you going to do about the state of the muck 358 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,090 - pouring out of his mouth? - Guillermo, 359 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,992 do you have any proof of this wild accusation? 360 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,260 Aah! 361 00:14:57,598 --> 00:14:58,599 Well, do you? 362 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,200 He's not well! 363 00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:01,968 - He's freaking out. - Yes! 364 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,770 He's gonna eat me! ¡Dios mío! 365 00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:05,271 Well, now he's speaking in tongues. 366 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940 That is awful of you to call Topher 367 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,074 those things you just did. 368 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,478 Exactly. 369 00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:15,481 Guillermo, have you been getting enough sleep? 370 00:15:15,549 --> 00:15:17,551 No. No, I am not getting anysleep! 371 00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,753 I haven't slept in the last two weeks, 372 00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:22,923 because I have to keep one eye open to protect you guys! 373 00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:25,391 Protect us from what? 374 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,363 Nothing. 375 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,208 I just wish you guys knew how hard I work for you, 376 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,668 and you don't, so that's okay, never mind, forget it. 377 00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:36,770 Did you see that? 378 00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,506 He was eating his own dry poops. 379 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,822 The vampire assassins usually come at night, 380 00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:47,781 so I have to constantly survey the perimeter. 381 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,703 Topher! 382 00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:11,938 Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no! 383 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,125 I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna... 384 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,047 Sorry. Sorry. 385 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,183 Why...? 386 00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:27,120 Sorry, buddy, but you were trying to kill me. 387 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,490 High five. 388 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,225 I don't know, bud. 389 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,761 - Come on! - Okay. All right. 390 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,396 Aw, shit. 391 00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,298 - Why?! - Sorry, Toph. 392 00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,266 See, that's why I didn't want to do that. 393 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,335 Toph. 394 00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,705 No, buddy, I don't think it's gonna go back on there, bud. 395 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,073 High five! 396 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,809 No, I'm not gonna high-five you anymore. 397 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:49,876 High five! 398 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,845 Ow, Toph! That really hurt! 399 00:16:51,912 --> 00:16:53,479 - High five! - Stop it, you... 400 00:16:53,547 --> 00:16:55,415 You're being really rude right now! 401 00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,383 Stop it! Stop it! 402 00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,320 Stop it, Topher. Stop it, Topher! 403 00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:03,123 Stop it, Topher! 404 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,958 Aw, fuck no! 405 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,594 No one bites Guillermo! 406 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,533 It was an accident. 407 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,603 All right, dudes, I'm headed out. 408 00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,573 Going up to Albany to catch a community theater production 409 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,907 of Pippin. 410 00:17:23,744 --> 00:17:27,080 What's going on with, uh, Toph-Dawg? 411 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,049 I think he's a zombie. 412 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,517 Yeah, could be. 413 00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:32,352 See you guys later. 414 00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:34,788 You goofballs. 415 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,669 No! 416 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,538 Why won't you die?! 417 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,376 Stop it! Stop it! 418 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,443 Ow! 419 00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,347 Jesus fucking...! 420 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,317 Topher! 421 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,925 Guillermo! 422 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,295 Master... 423 00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,197 you saved me. 424 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,565 Thank you. 425 00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:21,434 Your screaming disturbed me from my slumber. 426 00:18:21,502 --> 00:18:23,179 You shouldn't be putting your head in there. 427 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,270 It's not hygienic. 428 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,006 If you want to wash yourself, do it in... 429 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,508 Will you stop that! 430 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,876 I've had enough of this. 431 00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,317 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 432 00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,686 But what is done is done. 433 00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:42,488 This fuckin' guy. 434 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:52,332 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 435 00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:53,834 But what is done is done. 436 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,238 Are you kidding me with this right now? 437 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,141 Just give him a few jolts. I'll be fine. 438 00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,443 He was a good familiar and a fine fellow. 439 00:19:05,045 --> 00:19:07,413 Kind of tickles. 440 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,451 You conned us, you slippery bastard! 441 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,520 Wallace, how could you do this to us? 442 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,827 Yeah, plus, he was crawling on the ceiling, which is odd. 443 00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:18,024 - Well, he didn't do that before? - Of course not! 444 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:20,694 Well, okay, I must have used the wrong incantation spell. 445 00:19:20,761 --> 00:19:23,029 But you know what? No extra charge. 446 00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,174 - Bullshit! You made it up as you were going along. - No, no, no, no, 447 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,000 that was word-for-word verbatim. 448 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:29,469 No. You were bloody texting on your phone the whole time! 449 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,538 It was an Amber Alert. 450 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,073 Well, I did think it was important. 451 00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,876 He is damaged goods, and we demand satisfaction! 452 00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:39,445 Not cool, Wallace, not cool. 453 00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:41,157 - Fine. Let me have him. - What, do you think 454 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,183 I'm gonna let him go? You must be out of your mind. 455 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,120 Come here, boy. 456 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,722 Come on, come on. 457 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,859 That'll do, pig, that'll do. 458 00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,360 - Wow. - All right, 459 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,162 I don't normally do refunds, 460 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,031 but I'll take him off your hands for you. 461 00:19:58,098 --> 00:19:59,365 And for your trouble, 462 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,803 each of you can grab a license plate key chain. 463 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,738 For free? 464 00:20:04,805 --> 00:20:06,172 Free. Gratis. 465 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,841 Okay. 466 00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:09,275 Come on! 467 00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:12,212 - Oh. "Ingrid." Oh. - I got... 468 00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:13,580 "Steve." 469 00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:17,718 So if you're watching, Steve... 470 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,686 waiting for you. 471 00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:20,754 Ah. 472 00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,589 I got "Nadia," uh, 473 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,492 which is my name, but with a less exciting "J." 474 00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:27,260 Completely free. 475 00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,862 You don't have "Colin." 476 00:20:28,929 --> 00:20:31,231 We haven't sold any since 1979, mate. 477 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,233 But you have "Condom." 478 00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,536 Very, very popular. 479 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,437 - Can I take one? - Go for it. 480 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:39,139 So I got... 481 00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:40,406 "Gigi." 482 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,243 I guess that's better than "Gizmo." 483 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,349 Being a familiar isn't for everyone. 484 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,886 You're not always thanked or praised. 485 00:20:52,953 --> 00:20:55,989 But after my master saved my life, 486 00:20:56,056 --> 00:20:59,159 he proved to me that... he really does care about me 487 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,427 and all the things I do for him. 488 00:21:01,495 --> 00:21:05,499 And if one day he doesn't, well... 489 00:21:23,517 --> 00:21:26,319 Here you go. Down there. 490 00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,288 That be slippy there, hang on. 491 00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:30,991 Here you go. 492 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:32,593 Topher! 493 00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:33,794 Yep. 494 00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:36,563 Just uh, copy what they do, you'll be fine. 495 00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:38,732 Doze Apples! 496 00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:40,501 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. 497 00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:42,869 Be back to check on you next year. 498 00:21:42,936 --> 00:21:45,071 Doze Apples. 499 00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:46,740 Yes, yes. 500 00:21:48,374 --> 00:21:50,911 Gigi. 501 00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:53,346 Condom. 502 00:21:53,413 --> 00:21:55,649 Topher! 503 00:21:55,716 --> 00:21:58,051 ♪♪ See the people all dressed in white ♪♪ 504 00:21:58,118 --> 00:22:00,486 ♪♪ Oh, it must be the children of Israel ♪♪ 505 00:22:00,554 --> 00:22:02,288 ♪♪ Just a-walkin' into the light ♪♪ 506 00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,257 ♪♪ 'Cause there ain't no grave ♪♪ 507 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:07,260 ♪♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪♪ 508 00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:09,295 ♪♪ Oh, there ain't no grave ♪♪ 509 00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:12,265 ♪♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪♪ 510 00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:15,101 ♪♪ When that trumpet shot shall blast ♪♪ 511 00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:16,803 ♪♪ And the dead shall leave at last ♪♪ 512 00:22:16,870 --> 00:22:19,305 ♪♪ There ain't no grave ♪♪ 513 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:20,574 ♪♪ Gonna hold ♪♪ 514 00:22:20,641 --> 00:22:23,443 ♪♪ My body down. ♪♪ 515 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:26,913 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org