1
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:13,094
TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.
2
00:00:13,095 --> 00:00:16,389
Now I am a woman of the workforce,
I crave the weekends.
3
00:00:16,390 --> 00:00:17,598
It's just a chance to relax
4
00:00:17,599 --> 00:00:22,353
away from Cannon Capital's meetings
and memorandums and electronic mails.
5
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What is all this shit?
6
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Laszlo!
7
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My darling.
Do both these eyes look hazel to you?
8
00:00:28,861 --> 00:00:31,320
I think it's important my monster
has a matching set.
9
00:00:31,321 --> 00:00:35,158
You have turned our home
into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin.
10
00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:38,536
I thought you had finished creating
your freaky monster sex doll man.
11
00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:41,372
My darling, if I am to maintain
my freaky sex doll monster man,
12
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as you inaccurately call him,
13
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it's important I have an adequate supply
of spare body parts.
14
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But what are these?
15
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Uh, they're hearts. They're livers.
They're spleens. They're kidneys.
16
00:00:51,133 --> 00:00:53,468
That's a cat's arsehole.
I've no idea what that is.
17
00:00:53,469 --> 00:00:55,094
Whatever. Just get them gone.
18
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- Mmm. All right.
- Come on, chop-chop.
19
00:00:56,722 --> 00:01:00,143
There's no room in this house
for all the things I need to get done.
20
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It's fine. I'll pick those up later.
21
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{\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
22
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{\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪
23
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{\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
24
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{\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
25
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{\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
26
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{\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪
27
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{\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
28
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{\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
29
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{\an8}I have had enough.
30
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{\an8}There are too many useless ball sacks
lying around the house
31
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{\an8}with you and Nandor.
32
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We cannot deal with all this extra shit.
33
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My darling,
I have everything under control.
34
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- Oh, do you?
- Absolutely.
35
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- Then what are those?
- Feet.
36
00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:58,243
Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell you
the game is afoot.
37
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Shut up, Guillermo.
38
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Nandor, does it not concern you
that you are sat on top of a bag of noses?
39
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:07,250
I...
40
00:02:07,251 --> 00:02:09,919
I thought it was a cushion.
41
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:13,214
I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again.
42
00:02:13,215 --> 00:02:15,466
- Oh, no! No, no, no!
- Ugh. Pick me up.
43
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,054
- Laszlo! I mean it!
- Oh, get it off me.
44
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,222
Just find a place
to store all of this human crap.
45
00:02:21,223 --> 00:02:22,431
All right, my darling.
46
00:02:22,432 --> 00:02:23,891
But where do you suggest?
47
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The small space under the stairs
where Guillermo used to live.
48
00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:29,355
We never figured out what to do with it
since he moved into the shed.
49
00:02:29,356 --> 00:02:32,775
Actually, that space
has already been occupied.
50
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What the shit gives you the right
to take over that space, Nandor?
51
00:02:36,655 --> 00:02:41,534
Guillermo was my familiar.
And B: I have already done it.
52
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And so it begins.
53
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{\an8}First, Nandor unilaterally gives
my garden shed to Gizmo.
54
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A shed I lovingly converted
into a temple of self-worship
55
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or some might call it a "Jack Shack."
56
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No. This has to end now.
57
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Otherwise, Nandor will
take over the house entirely.
58
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A slope slippier
than a whore's saddle. Mmm.
59
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If you had wanted
the space under the stairs,
60
00:03:03,557 --> 00:03:05,558
you would have taken
the space under the stairs.
61
00:03:05,559 --> 00:03:07,643
Yeah, well, I do want
the space under the stairs.
62
00:03:07,644 --> 00:03:11,107
And I intend to take
the space under the stairs. For all my...
63
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- To keep the body parts in order.
- Yes.
64
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,612
Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.
65
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I just want to let you know
that you guys are out of hot water.
66
00:03:20,741 --> 00:03:22,825
Hold your horses, Noël Coward.
67
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You can tell your ex-boss
that this house is not a dictatorship.
68
00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:27,997
- Yes.
- No, I don't want to get involved.
69
00:03:27,998 --> 00:03:29,290
You guys figure it out, okay?
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00:03:29,291 --> 00:03:31,292
And how do you propose we do that?
71
00:03:31,293 --> 00:03:33,127
I don't know. Take a vote.
72
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Good idea, Guillermo.
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Hey, everyone,
let's have a vote.
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Okay, I'm gonna go.
75
00:03:38,383 --> 00:03:40,134
Nandor, that is a great idea.
76
00:03:40,135 --> 00:03:41,510
- Uh...
- Let's take a vote.
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00:03:41,511 --> 00:03:44,513
All those in favor
of giving Laszlo dominion
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00:03:44,514 --> 00:03:46,557
over Guillermo's old space
under the stairs
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00:03:46,558 --> 00:03:49,268
to use as a storage facility
for his bodily parts.
80
00:03:49,269 --> 00:03:50,939
Yes, and all my sex stuff.
81
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,483
Okay, raise hand.
82
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:59,153
And all those in favor of it remaining
the sovereign territory of Nandor
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00:03:59,154 --> 00:04:03,074
for his exclusive use as a home gymnasium,
which only Nandor can use,
84
00:04:03,075 --> 00:04:04,325
raise your hands.
85
00:04:04,326 --> 00:04:05,284
- No.
- It is settled.
86
00:04:05,285 --> 00:04:06,869
Two to one. Ha!
87
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,579
Bad luck, Blackadder.
88
00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:09,830
I demand a recount.
89
00:04:09,831 --> 00:04:11,582
Sorry, the people have spoken.
90
00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:13,209
Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor.
91
00:04:13,210 --> 00:04:16,879
Hear me out. Nadja. A gym only I can use,
92
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:17,964
- hmm?
- Fuck off.
93
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:20,675
Laszlo, still thinking about it?
94
00:04:20,676 --> 00:04:21,968
No, not even a little.
95
00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:23,761
Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor.
96
00:04:23,762 --> 00:04:26,055
What can I say? I lost.
97
00:04:26,056 --> 00:04:29,143
Another time,
I would just seize the territory,
98
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,312
but I grow weary of the fight.
99
00:04:33,313 --> 00:04:38,442
Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy
to just hang up his spurs
100
00:04:38,443 --> 00:04:41,239
and go fuck himself right up the pooper.
101
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,156
Okay, fine.
102
00:04:44,157 --> 00:04:47,785
I shall clear out my StairMaster
and booty bands by tomorrow.
103
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:49,537
Good. And also, give Laszlo his...
104
00:04:49,538 --> 00:04:52,000
This is not good. Not good at all.
105
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:56,252
Yeah, so I regularly use
our network of vents
106
00:04:56,253 --> 00:04:58,504
to gather intel on my housemates
107
00:04:58,505 --> 00:05:01,009
and I've recently uncovered
a troubling development.
108
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,596
Well, it's finally happening.
109
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:08,641
{\an8}I'm being forced out of the house.
110
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,852
Over the years,
I've kept extensive records
111
00:05:12,853 --> 00:05:15,855
detailing the power rankings
within the house.
112
00:05:15,856 --> 00:05:18,232
Who's hot, who's not.
Who's chic, who's weak.
113
00:05:18,233 --> 00:05:21,694
Who's fly, who's shy.
Who's ballin', who's stallin'.
114
00:05:21,695 --> 00:05:25,656
Up here, you have Nandor,
then Nadja, then Laszlo.
115
00:05:25,657 --> 00:05:28,868
And down here, Guillermo, until recently.
116
00:05:28,869 --> 00:05:35,666
And over here, is your baby boy,
Colin Robinson, who is going down.
117
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:41,547
I've been able to hold on to my place
in the house due to a delicate dance.
118
00:05:41,548 --> 00:05:45,092
Not unlike Henry Kissinger's
triangular diplomacy.
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00:05:45,093 --> 00:05:48,512
Nadja and Laszlo represent
one stalwart alliance.
120
00:05:48,513 --> 00:05:51,265
Nandor and Guillermo the other.
121
00:05:51,266 --> 00:05:55,436
My lone wolf status afforded me
a position of power.
122
00:05:55,437 --> 00:05:56,604
A tiebreaker.
123
00:05:56,605 --> 00:06:01,359
The Harold Prince to their
Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
124
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,528
But the power dynamics have now shifted.
125
00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:08,616
Now that Guillermo has left the house,
Nandor is a broken man.
126
00:06:08,617 --> 00:06:11,452
And I fear it's just a matter of time
before he goes over
127
00:06:11,453 --> 00:06:13,954
to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good
128
00:06:13,955 --> 00:06:16,791
and they decide to kill me
and quarter my body
129
00:06:16,792 --> 00:06:20,002
to share as sick souvenirs
amongst themselves.
130
00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:23,800
Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting.
131
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,887
Come on. You know you want to.
132
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,763
- I'm not moving back into the house.
- Fine.
133
00:06:30,764 --> 00:06:33,557
- But will you at least talk to Nandor?
- I don't think me talking to him
134
00:06:33,558 --> 00:06:35,726
is gonna make a difference.
He's not gonna listen to me.
135
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:37,561
- Well, you didn't let me finish.
- Sorry.
136
00:06:37,562 --> 00:06:41,148
Uh, what I was saying before you cut me
off and didn't let me finish was,
137
00:06:41,149 --> 00:06:43,609
- maybe if you were to talk to Nandor...
- Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:43,610 --> 00:06:47,071
...I could walk by or something
and he'd see me and he'd be like,
139
00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:48,280
"Oh, there's Colin Robinson.
140
00:06:48,281 --> 00:06:51,033
I should really form an alliance
with him."
141
00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:53,035
You know,
to get out of having to talk to you.
142
00:06:53,036 --> 00:06:54,161
Okay. Good night.
143
00:06:54,162 --> 00:06:55,704
I appreciate you
144
00:06:55,705 --> 00:06:57,748
playing my favorite song
to cut the tension,
145
00:06:57,749 --> 00:07:00,084
but I don't think it's gonna help me
solve this problem.
146
00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:01,420
Doesn't hurt though.
147
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,217
Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor,
don't talk to Nandor.
148
00:07:08,218 --> 00:07:10,219
I don't care, all right?
Just leave me out of it.
149
00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,388
- Hypnotize him for all I care.
- Oh. That's ridiculous.
150
00:07:12,389 --> 00:07:14,432
Everyone knows
you can't hypnotize a vampire.
151
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,599
They always have their guard up.
152
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,354
Well, then hypnotize him
when he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be.
153
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:23,274
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
154
00:07:23,275 --> 00:07:25,151
Can you do that
somewhere else, please?
155
00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:27,155
Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise.
156
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,156
Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two...
157
00:07:30,157 --> 00:07:33,325
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
158
00:07:33,326 --> 00:07:35,663
- I have to find out.
- Colin. Oh, my God.
159
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:56,017
Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.
160
00:07:57,018 --> 00:08:02,438
What's up?
161
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:06,317
Hear me now and believe me later.
162
00:08:06,318 --> 00:08:09,153
You are a fierce warrior.
163
00:08:09,154 --> 00:08:12,448
I am a fierce warrior.
164
00:08:12,449 --> 00:08:15,409
You must stand your ground.
165
00:08:15,410 --> 00:08:18,120
Stand my ground.
166
00:08:18,121 --> 00:08:22,835
Your only ally is Colin Robinson.
167
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,922
Are you sure?
168
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,298
Yes, you love Colin Robinson.
169
00:08:29,299 --> 00:08:32,678
That sounds wrong, but okay.
170
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,805
All right.
171
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:45,231
{\an8}Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary?
It's taking up a lot of room.
172
00:08:45,232 --> 00:08:48,692
{\an8}Well, how else can I sit
and review my stored items of science?
173
00:08:48,693 --> 00:08:51,195
Is that a box of pornography
in front of you?
174
00:08:51,196 --> 00:08:53,155
No, anatomical textbooks.
175
00:08:53,156 --> 00:08:56,742
The collective works
of Doctors Flynt and Guccione.
176
00:08:56,743 --> 00:09:00,746
- Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor?
- Oh. He's probably oversleeping.
177
00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:03,249
Without his home gym room,
he has very little to live for.
178
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:09,004
Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna go
for, uh, a walk. Just a normal walk.
179
00:09:09,005 --> 00:09:10,381
Okay.
180
00:09:10,382 --> 00:09:12,216
I know what you're going to do
with that chair.
181
00:09:12,217 --> 00:09:14,927
You're going to sit in it
and stroke yourself, reading your filth.
182
00:09:14,928 --> 00:09:16,011
Perhaps I will.
183
00:09:16,012 --> 00:09:18,013
I'm sorry, my darling.
Would you like a hand?
184
00:09:18,014 --> 00:09:20,724
- Yes, I'd actually love one.
- Well, take your pick.
185
00:09:20,725 --> 00:09:22,103
We've got a bunch of them.
186
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:30,443
Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m.
Time to rise and... Oh!
187
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,035
Colin Robinson.
188
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,209
Some of them are just too long
to fit in as one piece.
189
00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:48,586
- That's what my gran said.
- Ugh.
190
00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:50,212
I am back from my walk.
191
00:09:50,213 --> 00:09:51,630
- Who fucking cares?
- Give a fuck.
192
00:09:51,631 --> 00:09:54,550
I saw Nandor out in the hallway.
He'll be in in a sec.
193
00:09:54,551 --> 00:09:56,510
Uh-huh.
194
00:09:56,511 --> 00:09:57,596
What the hell?
195
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,559
What the dick is he saying?
196
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:06,522
Oh. Hold on.
I have a translation app here.
197
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:12,234
I have conquered officially
the room from beneath the stairs
198
00:10:12,235 --> 00:10:14,153
- in the name of Al Quolanudar.
- No one's conquered anything.
199
00:10:14,154 --> 00:10:15,406
What the fuck is he talking about?
200
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,199
And I could not have conquered
the room from beneath the stairs
201
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,788
without Colin Robinson,
my primary ally within this fortress.
202
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,458
We take what we wish,
and defend it unto death.
203
00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:28,917
Oh.
204
00:10:28,918 --> 00:10:30,753
You heard what he said, ding-dongs.
205
00:10:30,754 --> 00:10:32,254
This is our house now,
and if you don't like it,
206
00:10:32,255 --> 00:10:33,715
you can eat my ass.
207
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,260
Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.
208
00:10:38,261 --> 00:10:39,511
{\an8}It is plain to see,
209
00:10:39,512 --> 00:10:42,349
{\an8}something very strange
is going on with Nandor.
210
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,976
He's being competent
and assertive.
211
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:48,355
Much different
to the soaking-wet simp we are used to.
212
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:54,693
I'm not gonna stand around
while these two tits bugger about.
213
00:10:54,694 --> 00:10:57,404
I do important science in there
three times a day.
214
00:10:57,405 --> 00:11:00,199
- Nandor, get the fuck out of there.
- No, thank you.
215
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,910
- You heard the lady. Fuck off.
- Wow.
216
00:11:02,911 --> 00:11:05,412
- Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in.
-"Shasay" away.
217
00:11:05,413 --> 00:11:08,165
No, no, no. We're facing
a bit of a contretemps. We need your help.
218
00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:11,168
- Why don't you just all share the room?
- My husband needs it for his body parts!
219
00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:12,836
We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot.
220
00:11:12,837 --> 00:11:14,838
Quiet.
221
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:18,258
I have a fair
and equitable solution to propose.
222
00:11:18,259 --> 00:11:19,343
Okay, then.
223
00:11:19,344 --> 00:11:21,011
Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.
224
00:11:21,012 --> 00:11:22,598
Mmm.
225
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,891
Yeah. So he set the house on fire.
226
00:11:25,892 --> 00:11:29,186
Turns out his equitable solution was,
227
00:11:29,187 --> 00:11:32,524
"if I can't have Guillermo's room,
then no one can have it."
228
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:36,860
Or something like that.
229
00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:40,573
It's hard to tell
because he also set my phone on fire.
230
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,410
Boy, did we mess up.
231
00:11:44,411 --> 00:11:47,454
We? No, there's no "we." This is all you.
232
00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:49,873
Who convinced me
to sleep-hypnotize him? You.
233
00:11:49,874 --> 00:11:51,166
What? I didn't do... Oh.
234
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:54,461
Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe.
235
00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:57,589
Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him
to go back to the way that he was before?
236
00:11:57,590 --> 00:11:59,758
Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted.
237
00:11:59,759 --> 00:12:01,803
- Well, then get a new phone.
- Oh, my God.
238
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,347
- That's not good.
- I would get a new phone,
239
00:12:05,348 --> 00:12:08,767
but I kind of wanna wait
until the new one's released next year.
240
00:12:08,768 --> 00:12:12,187
I mean, there's nothing worse than
updating your devices in the off-cycle.
241
00:12:12,188 --> 00:12:14,815
Apple seems to be
on an autumn release time frame.
242
00:12:14,816 --> 00:12:16,567
Okay. You know what? Okay. How about this?
243
00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:19,278
We use my translation app.
And then after that, I'm out.
244
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:24,534
Okay. Type in, "You will return
to yourself as you were before."
245
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:27,703
- Great.
- Okay.
246
00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:29,204
That should get him
back to normal.
247
00:12:29,205 --> 00:12:31,665
Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on.
248
00:12:31,666 --> 00:12:34,754
And after this,
no more sleep hypnosis!
249
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:36,756
Let's hit the hay, buddy.
250
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,006
Sleep hypnosis?
251
00:12:39,007 --> 00:12:41,177
Is such a thing even possible?
252
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:52,352
When you awake, you will be much tidier.
253
00:12:52,353 --> 00:12:53,437
Tidier.
254
00:12:53,438 --> 00:12:55,689
Neater and cleaner.
255
00:12:55,690 --> 00:12:59,193
You will not be able
to tolerate a single mess.
256
00:12:59,194 --> 00:13:01,361
Neater. Tidier.
257
00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:03,071
Everything in its right place.
258
00:13:03,072 --> 00:13:04,700
I love you, Mommy.
259
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:07,703
Oh.
260
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,174
Whoa.
261
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,634
Very good, my love.
262
00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:26,094
Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else.
263
00:13:26,095 --> 00:13:30,142
You know, they don't live as long,
the-the bigger dogs.
264
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,519
- Oh.
- Hey, man. I was reading that.
265
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,771
Well. Not now, you're not.
I'll have to iron it now.
266
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:38,482
What is your major malfunction?
267
00:13:38,483 --> 00:13:40,609
FMJ, 1987.
268
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:42,194
- Bloody savage.
- Sheesh.
269
00:13:42,195 --> 00:13:44,738
We shall never be belligerent.
270
00:13:44,739 --> 00:13:48,158
But we shall be as firm
in defending our system
271
00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:50,911
as they are in expanding theirs.
272
00:13:50,912 --> 00:13:53,914
I think we can all agree
that is very well-spoken.
273
00:13:53,915 --> 00:13:56,041
That sounds kind of like a threat to me.
274
00:13:56,042 --> 00:13:59,711
This is not a threat,
this is a statement of policy.
275
00:13:59,712 --> 00:14:01,088
But we are done arguing
276
00:14:01,089 --> 00:14:03,757
over the shitty little room
under the stairs, correct?
277
00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,175
I have never been a quitter.
278
00:14:05,176 --> 00:14:06,635
"But as president,
279
00:14:06,636 --> 00:14:09,555
I must put the interests
of America first."
280
00:14:09,556 --> 00:14:11,348
What the fuck is he talking about?
281
00:14:11,349 --> 00:14:14,101
"Nobody will ever write a book,
282
00:14:14,102 --> 00:14:17,646
probably about my mother."
283
00:14:17,647 --> 00:14:22,276
So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor
again last night.
284
00:14:22,277 --> 00:14:23,944
Just to get him back to normal.
285
00:14:23,945 --> 00:14:25,904
I will return to myself...
286
00:14:25,905 --> 00:14:28,156
And while
I was messing around in there,
287
00:14:28,157 --> 00:14:30,868
I thought,
why not improve on the original?
288
00:14:30,869 --> 00:14:34,288
- Basically, just like this guy.
- This guy.
289
00:14:34,289 --> 00:14:38,292
Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik.
290
00:14:38,293 --> 00:14:40,919
Nobody will ever write a book,
probably about my mother.
291
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,171
But, yeah, I think I may have
292
00:14:43,172 --> 00:14:46,049
sleep-hypnotized Nandor
into Richard Nixon.
293
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:51,805
For 16 years, since the Hiss case,
you've had a lot of fun. A lot of fun.
294
00:14:51,806 --> 00:14:54,182
You've had an opportunity to attack me.
295
00:14:54,183 --> 00:14:57,269
And I'd like to think
I've given as good as I've taken.
296
00:14:57,270 --> 00:14:59,354
- Colin Robinson.
- Hmm?
297
00:14:59,355 --> 00:15:01,773
Have you done something
to Nandor's brain somehow?
298
00:15:01,774 --> 00:15:04,278
No. No, I don't think I did.
299
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,239
- Hmm.
- Nandor, listen to me.
300
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:10,117
Has Colin Robinson done something
to your head?
301
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:17,247
People have got to know
whether their president is a crook.
302
00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:19,627
Well, I'm not a crook.
303
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:27,009
No, no, don't come in.
304
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,136
Whatever it is, I don't care.
305
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,516
Are you okay?
306
00:15:36,517 --> 00:15:38,687
Do you wanna talk about it? Come on.
307
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:41,440
Okay. What is it?
308
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,901
-"You know what it was."
- What?
309
00:15:45,902 --> 00:15:51,490
"It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog
in a crate he sent all the way from Texas.
310
00:15:51,491 --> 00:15:52,950
Black and white, spotted.
311
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:58,914
And our little one, Trisha,
the six-year-old. She named it Checkers."
312
00:15:58,915 --> 00:16:01,541
Wait, isn't this,
like, a Richard Nixon speech?
313
00:16:01,542 --> 00:16:05,128
"Our kids, they love that dog,
and I just want to say this.
314
00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:10,342
Right now, regardless of what they say
about it, we're gonna keep it."
315
00:16:10,343 --> 00:16:13,136
Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you
316
00:16:13,137 --> 00:16:15,722
so you're only able to speak
like Richard Nixon?
317
00:16:15,723 --> 00:16:18,892
I will not put the blame on subordinates.
318
00:16:18,893 --> 00:16:20,143
I'll take that as a yes.
319
00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:22,356
Would you like me to help undo it?
320
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,524
Sock it to me.
321
00:16:25,525 --> 00:16:29,611
And you'll go back
to the Nandor from before.
322
00:16:29,612 --> 00:16:32,656
Just a regular vampire.
323
00:16:32,657 --> 00:16:34,282
What is this?
324
00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:37,454
Sleep hypnosis?
Is such a thing even possible.
325
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,248
Your camera's filthy.
326
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:47,589
Packages. I hope it's my electric kettle.
327
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,259
No. Here we go.
328
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,094
No. It's, uh, all addressed
to Laszlo Cravensworth.
329
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:55,012
It's weird.
330
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,057
I wonder how he even figured out
how to use Prime.
331
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,851
What, uh...
332
00:17:00,852 --> 00:17:02,019
Ah.
333
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:03,270
What's going on here?
334
00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:07,524
My parcels from the Amazon.
Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson.
335
00:17:07,525 --> 00:17:09,735
Lord Laszlo's wish is my command.
336
00:17:09,736 --> 00:17:12,112
All hail Lord Laszlo.
337
00:17:12,113 --> 00:17:14,408
Solvents and sponges for everyone.
338
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,867
{\an8}May I just say
you look fabulous, Baron.
339
00:17:16,868 --> 00:17:17,953
Flatterer.
340
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,829
You know, but it turns out
that these little scallywags
341
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:23,081
do more than just keep me young in spirit.
342
00:17:23,082 --> 00:17:26,295
They also secrete
a wonderful healing cream.
343
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,545
Look, I'm almost back to normal.
344
00:17:28,546 --> 00:17:32,090
The Sire extracts milk
from them every evening.
345
00:17:32,091 --> 00:17:36,511
So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
346
00:17:36,512 --> 00:17:37,681
Apparently, yes.
347
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,725
I kid you. Everybody knows
about sleep hypnosis.
348
00:17:41,726 --> 00:17:44,144
Do you think you could
hypnotize them back?
349
00:17:44,145 --> 00:17:48,067
Can I, the supreme all-powerful vampire,
hypnotize them?
350
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,734
- Obviously.
- Okay.
351
00:17:50,735 --> 00:17:52,986
Why don't you hand me
your very smart telephone
352
00:17:52,987 --> 00:17:55,572
and I can record my hypnosis.
You can play it for them later.
353
00:17:55,573 --> 00:18:01,203
But do not listen
lest you become hypnotized yourself.
354
00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:04,247
How about noise canceling?
355
00:18:04,248 --> 00:18:06,666
Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if you put
on your ear buddy phones.
356
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:07,753
Okay.
357
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:15,550
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
358
00:18:15,551 --> 00:18:18,678
Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally in these things.
359
00:18:18,679 --> 00:18:19,888
Okay.
360
00:18:19,889 --> 00:18:25,102
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
361
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:27,229
- You like it? Yeah, okay. Great.
- Yeah.
362
00:18:27,230 --> 00:18:28,939
Okay. So now I will do the recording.
363
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,400
Oh. Okay.
364
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:36,404
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
365
00:18:36,405 --> 00:18:39,574
Okay. Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally in these things.
366
00:18:39,575 --> 00:18:40,826
Uh-huh.
367
00:18:40,827 --> 00:18:46,706
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
368
00:18:46,707 --> 00:18:49,042
- Great. I'll just take the phone back.
- Not-Not so fast.
369
00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:50,963
I still need to do the recording.
370
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:52,965
Oh. I see what's going on here.
371
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,259
Be quiet.
372
00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,388
Come on.
373
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:06,101
Ye shall forget everything
ye know and everything ye have known.
374
00:19:06,102 --> 00:19:11,399
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
375
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:20,031
Hmm.
376
00:19:20,032 --> 00:19:22,659
- Good. You guys are finally up.
- Up with the lark.
377
00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:26,413
That was the best sleep
I've had in ages.
378
00:19:26,414 --> 00:19:27,956
Indeed, good sir.
379
00:19:27,957 --> 00:19:31,543
Nandor the Relentless, by the way.
I don't believe I caught your name.
380
00:19:31,544 --> 00:19:35,672
Leslie Cravensworth.
You may call me Mister Cravensworth.
381
00:19:35,673 --> 00:19:37,549
Mister Cravensworth.
382
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:40,177
- And who's that?
- I have no idea.
383
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,596
So, it seems that, uh,
The Baron's hypnosis
384
00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:44,681
not only made them forget
about their hypnoses...
385
00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:45,974
Relentless, you say?
386
00:19:45,975 --> 00:19:48,101
- Yes.
- Must be my lucky day.
387
00:19:48,102 --> 00:19:50,937
...but it also made them forget
that they had ever met each other
388
00:19:50,938 --> 00:19:52,314
because, of course it did.
389
00:19:52,315 --> 00:19:55,525
Nadja of Antipaxos.
390
00:19:55,526 --> 00:19:56,568
Mmm.
391
00:19:56,569 --> 00:20:00,157
- Nice to meet you. Nadja.
- I say. Hello.
392
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:04,409
Hello. I'm Colin Robinson.
Who-Who are you, boners?
393
00:20:04,410 --> 00:20:06,369
I say. Hello.
394
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:09,706
Yeah, I think I'm gonna like
living here just fine.
395
00:20:09,707 --> 00:20:12,792
Apart from the fact
that I'm disoriented, slightly afraid
396
00:20:12,793 --> 00:20:14,836
and don't know who you are.
397
00:20:14,837 --> 00:20:16,671
Nice little nest
we've got here, huh?
398
00:20:16,672 --> 00:20:19,549
Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier.
399
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:21,719
- Surely could hold a sex net.
- Sex net.
400
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,721
Check out this little space back here.
401
00:20:24,722 --> 00:20:29,517
Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space.
Perfect for a place to hang out.
402
00:20:29,518 --> 00:20:31,853
- Now we're talking.
- I was thinking the same thing.
403
00:20:31,854 --> 00:20:35,482
I mean, it's a bit small. It would
only really be good for a solo pursuit.
404
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:40,779
If I may be so bold, I think I would like
to set up shop here if that is okay.
405
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,489
Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold
406
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:45,700
because I myself was hoping
to set up shop just here, so...
407
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:48,662
Well, if I might be bolder still.
I'd like to wank there.
408
00:20:48,663 --> 00:20:51,750
See, I was thinking of just having an area
that I could stand in.
409
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,543
Well.
410
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,635
So who the fuck is gonna get
that space under the stairs?
411
00:21:03,636 --> 00:21:05,428
- Me. I am.
- I guess you do your wanking...
412
00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:07,138
I should have a safe space.
413
00:21:07,139 --> 00:21:09,432
Hello, everyone.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
414
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:10,809
I need to tell you something.
415
00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:14,271
I just want to say sorry
that I haven't been around lately.
416
00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:18,775
But I have been working closely
with your old roommate Jerry the Vampire
417
00:21:18,776 --> 00:21:22,779
on his big, fantastic plan
to conquer all of North America.
418
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:24,447
- Who?
- Come on.
419
00:21:24,448 --> 00:21:27,117
You know Jerry the Vampire,
your old roommate.
420
00:21:27,118 --> 00:21:30,787
Super slumber guy, tall.
He's got a round face.
421
00:21:30,788 --> 00:21:35,752
I don't know who is who or what is what.
But I am loving this ditzy blonde.
422
00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:40,463
- Sleep hypnosis.
- Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you.
423
00:21:40,464 --> 00:21:42,841
Oh, yes.
Sleep hypnosis is a very real thing.
424
00:21:42,842 --> 00:21:46,428
I learned that my first week
of Vampire Council sleepaway camp.
425
00:21:46,429 --> 00:21:48,555
Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.
426
00:21:48,556 --> 00:21:50,765
Enchanted. Have we met before?
427
00:21:50,766 --> 00:21:53,727
If we had,
I'm sure I would have remembered.
428
00:21:53,728 --> 00:21:55,395
Anyway,
429
00:21:55,396 --> 00:21:57,566
it is quite easy to undo.
430
00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:02,152
You have never been
sleep hypnotized.
431
00:22:02,153 --> 00:22:06,031
Neither of you have ever
been sleep hypnotized.
432
00:22:06,032 --> 00:22:08,033
Never, ever. Hush, little baby.
433
00:22:08,034 --> 00:22:10,412
Done. Done. Done.
434
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:19,087
I just had the strangest dream.
435
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,796
You were there, Laszlo.
And you were there, Nandor.
436
00:22:21,797 --> 00:22:23,383
But we didn't know each other.
437
00:22:24,092 --> 00:22:25,344
- Oh. Was I there?
- No.
438
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:29,806
Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking
for a while and just let myself in.
439
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:31,848
Guillermo de La Cruz.
440
00:22:31,849 --> 00:22:33,516
- We know.
- No shit, Geronimo.
441
00:22:33,517 --> 00:22:37,937
Oh, good. You saw my resume.
I'm here for an interview with Nandor.
442
00:22:37,938 --> 00:22:40,065
I saw the ad on Craigslist.
443
00:22:40,066 --> 00:22:43,318
Half-bed, no bath,
light housework required.
444
00:22:43,319 --> 00:22:44,946
I think I can handle that.
445
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:51,370
So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen
to podcasts while he falls asleep.
446
00:22:51,953 --> 00:22:57,248
Unfortunately for him, he must've listened
to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop,
447
00:22:57,249 --> 00:22:59,000
over and over again,
448
00:22:59,001 --> 00:23:03,548
instead of his usual Real Housewives
from bumfuck wherever recap.
449
00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,967
Oh.
450
00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,760
- Guillermo, is it?
- Yes.
451
00:23:08,761 --> 00:23:09,846
Nice to meet you.
452
00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,558
I am Nandor. Shall we?
453
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,268
- Hi.
- Good luck.
454
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:21,564
And at Panera Bread, I was responsible
for closing and opening of the shop.
455
00:23:21,565 --> 00:23:23,777
- Impressive.
- Thank you.
456
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,611
I was wondering
if I could ask you something.
457
00:23:26,612 --> 00:23:27,697
Sure.
458
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:29,908
You guys are...
459
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,577
- You know.
- What?
460
00:23:34,578 --> 00:23:38,166
You guys are vampires, right?
461
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:40,585
Yes.
462
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:45,380
I knew it. That is so awesome.
I had a feeling. Just...
463
00:23:45,381 --> 00:23:47,465
I didn't even see your fangs until now.
464
00:23:47,466 --> 00:23:48,925
That is so cool.
465
00:23:48,926 --> 00:23:51,219
I know you couldn't put that
in the ad, obviously.
466
00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:52,762
- Well, yeah.
- I was just... I...
467
00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:54,764
I've always fantasized about being one.
468
00:23:54,765 --> 00:23:56,766
- A vampire, that is.
- Mmm.
469
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:59,688
When I was little,
I begged my mom for a cape.
470
00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:03,690
She didn't have the money for it,
but somehow she found a way of making one.
471
00:24:03,691 --> 00:24:07,237
And I put that cape on, and I just
fantasized about what it would be like
472
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,573
to fly all over the world.
473
00:24:10,073 --> 00:24:12,826
No one picking on you. Live forever.
474
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:16,872
I was a pretty shy kid,
so I didn't have a lot of friends.
475
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,916
I'm sure you can understand that.
476
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,584
Not really. I was rich and a jock.
477
00:24:22,585 --> 00:24:24,252
Yeah. That makes sense.
478
00:24:24,253 --> 00:24:28,756
But I can imagine.
It must have been very, um, hard.
479
00:24:28,757 --> 00:24:30,550
It's okay.
480
00:24:30,551 --> 00:24:35,974
I don't wanna jump the gun here,
but I would love to be your familiar.
481
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:38,308
- But I do wanna ask.
- Mmm.
482
00:24:38,309 --> 00:24:39,769
If I...
483
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,979
Or your familiar--
Whoever you choose. It's your choice...
484
00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:44,105
Sure.
485
00:24:44,106 --> 00:24:45,690
- ...did a really great job...
- Mmm.
486
00:24:45,691 --> 00:24:47,694
...and did everything
you ever asked of them,
487
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:50,238
- would you ever--
- Make you a vampire?
488
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,656
Yes.
489
00:24:53,657 --> 00:24:56,659
I must confess, I am a little tempted
490
00:24:56,660 --> 00:25:01,039
to keep Guillermo as he was
the very first time he came to me.
491
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:04,083
I will dehypnotize him later tonight.
492
00:25:04,084 --> 00:25:07,962
But, for now,
I will let him have one last sleep
493
00:25:07,963 --> 00:25:10,342
in his little room under the stairs.
494
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,891
I forgot how loudly he breathes.
495
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:35,951
So in the end,
we figured out the best solution.
496
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:37,744
Share the room.
497
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:40,997
- Share the room.
- Share the room.
498
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:46,294
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
499
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,795
♪ I can't eat ♪
500
00:25:48,796 --> 00:25:52,968
♪ I can't sleep at night ♪
501
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:58,181
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
502
00:25:58,765 --> 00:26:03,186
♪ You're doing very strange things
to my brain ♪
503
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,985
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
504
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:14,573
♪ And I wonder if I'll ever be the same ♪
505
00:26:19,786 --> 00:26:22,372
{\an8}♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪