1 00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:09,925 [groans] 2 00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:13,095 TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL. 3 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,390 Now I am a woman of the workforce, I crave the weekends. 4 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:17,599 It's just a chance to relax 5 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:22,354 away from Cannon Capital's meetings and memorandums and electronic mails. 6 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:23,773 What is all this shit? 7 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,607 Laszlo! 8 00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:28,861 [whimpers] My darling. Do both these eyes look hazel to you? 9 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,321 I think it's important my monster has a matching set. 10 00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:35,159 You have turned our home into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin. 11 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,537 I thought you had finished creating your freaky monster sex doll man. 12 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,373 My darling, if I am to maintain my freaky sex doll monster man, 13 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,042 as you inaccurately call him, 14 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,961 it's important I have an adequate supply of spare body parts. 15 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,713 But what are these? 16 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:51,133 Uh, they're hearts. They're livers. They're spleens. They're kidneys. 17 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:53,469 That's a cat's arsehole. I've no idea what that is. 18 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,095 Whatever. Just get them gone. 19 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,722 - [Laszlo] Mmm. All right. - Come on, chop-chop. 20 00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,143 There's no room in this house for all the things I need to get done. 21 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,478 It's fine. I'll pick those up later. 22 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:05,106 {\an8}["You're Dead" playing] 23 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,358 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 24 00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,862 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 25 00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,114 {\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 26 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:17,118 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 27 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,622 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 28 00:01:21,122 --> 00:01:23,791 {\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪ 29 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,126 {\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 30 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:28,797 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 31 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:38,305 [song ends] 32 00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:40,808 {\an8}[speaking Greek] I have had enough. 33 00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:43,977 {\an8}There are too many useless ball sacks lying around the house 34 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,604 {\an8}with you and Nandor. 35 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,773 We cannot deal with all this extra shit. 36 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,484 My darling, I have everything under control. 37 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,069 - Oh, do you? - [Laszlo] Absolutely. 38 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,779 - Then what are those? - Feet. 39 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:58,243 Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell you the game is afoot. [chuckles] 40 00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,079 Shut up, Guillermo. 41 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,083 Nandor, does it not concern you that you are sat on top of a bag of noses? 42 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,251 I... 43 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,920 [chuckling] I thought it was a cushion. 44 00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:13,215 [speaking Greek] I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again. 45 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,467 - Oh, no! No, no, no! - [Nadja Doll] Ugh. Pick me up. 46 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,054 - Laszlo! I mean it! [groans] - [Nadja Doll] Oh, get it off me. 47 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,223 Just find a place to store all of this human crap. 48 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:22,432 All right, my darling. 49 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:23,892 But where do you suggest? 50 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,562 The small space under the stairs where Guillermo used to live. 51 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,356 We never figured out what to do with it since he moved into the shed. 52 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:32,776 Actually, that space has already been occupied. 53 00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:36,655 What the shit gives you the right to take over that space, Nandor? 54 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:41,535 A: Guillermo was my familiar. And B: I have already done it. 55 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,120 [Laszlo] And so it begins. 56 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:47,374 {\an8}First, Nandor unilaterally gives my garden shed to Gizmo. 57 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:51,545 A shed I lovingly converted into a temple of self-worship 58 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,547 or some might call it a "Jack Shack." 59 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,882 No. This has to end now. 60 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,926 Otherwise, Nandor will take over the house entirely. 61 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:01,555 A slope slippier than a whore's saddle. Mmm. 62 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,557 If you had wanted the space under the stairs, 63 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,559 you would have taken the space under the stairs. 64 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,644 Yeah, well, I do want the space under the stairs. 65 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:11,107 And I intend to take the space under the stairs. For all my... 66 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:15,360 - To keep the body parts in order. - Yes. 67 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,613 Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt. 68 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:20,741 I just want to let you know that you guys are out of hot water. 69 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,826 Hold your horses, Noël Coward. 70 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:26,371 You can tell your ex-boss that this house is not a dictatorship. 71 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,998 - [Nadja] Yes. - No, I don't want to get involved. 72 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,291 You guys figure it out, okay? 73 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,293 And how do you propose we do that? 74 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,128 I don't know. Take a vote. 75 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,504 Good idea, Guillermo. 76 00:03:34,505 --> 00:03:36,882 [imitating] Hey, everyone, let's have a vote. 77 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,383 Okay, I'm gonna go. 78 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,135 Nandor, that is a great idea. 79 00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:41,511 - Uh... - Let's take a vote. 80 00:03:41,512 --> 00:03:44,514 All those in favor of giving Laszlo dominion 81 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,558 over Guillermo's old space under the stairs 82 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,269 to use as a storage facility for his bodily parts. 83 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,939 Yes, and all my sex stuff. 84 00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,483 Okay, raise hand. 85 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:59,154 And all those in favor of it remaining the sovereign territory of Nandor 86 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:03,075 for his exclusive use as a home gymnasium, which only Nandor can use, 87 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,326 raise your hands. 88 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,285 - No. - It is settled. 89 00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,870 Two to one. Ha! 90 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,580 [snickers] Bad luck, Blackadder. 91 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,831 I demand a recount. 92 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,583 Sorry, the people have spoken. 93 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,210 Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor. 94 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,880 Hear me out. Nadja. A gym only I can use, 95 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:17,965 - hmm? - Fuck off. 96 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,676 Laszlo, still thinking about it? 97 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:21,969 No, not even a little. 98 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,762 Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor. 99 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,056 [Nandor] What can I say? I lost. 100 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:29,143 Another time, I would just seize the territory, 101 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,313 but I grow weary of the fight. 102 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:38,443 Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy to just hang up his spurs 103 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:41,239 and go fuck himself right up the pooper. 104 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,157 - Okay, fine. - [scoffs] 105 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:47,786 I shall clear out my StairMaster and booty bands by tomorrow. 106 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,538 [Nadja] Good. And also, give Laszlo his... 107 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,000 [Colin] This is not good. Not good at all. 108 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:56,253 Yeah, so I regularly use our network of vents 109 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,505 to gather intel on my housemates 110 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:01,009 and I've recently uncovered a troubling development. 111 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,596 Well, it's finally happening. 112 00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:08,641 {\an8}I'm being forced out of the house. 113 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,853 Over the years, I've kept extensive records 114 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,856 detailing the power rankings within the house. 115 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:18,233 Who's hot, who's not. Who's chic, who's weak. 116 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:21,695 Who's fly, who's shy. Who's ballin', who's stallin'. 117 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:25,657 Up here, you have Nandor, then Nadja, then Laszlo. 118 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,869 And down here, Guillermo, until recently. 119 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:35,667 And over here, is your baby boy, Colin Robinson, who is going down. 120 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:41,548 I've been able to hold on to my place in the house due to a delicate dance. 121 00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:45,093 Not unlike Henry Kissinger's triangular diplomacy. 122 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:48,513 Nadja and Laszlo represent one stalwart alliance. 123 00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:51,266 Nandor and Guillermo the other. 124 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:55,437 My lone wolf status afforded me a position of power. 125 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:56,605 A tiebreaker. 126 00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:01,360 The Harold Prince to their Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber. 127 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,529 But the power dynamics have now shifted. 128 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,617 Now that Guillermo has left the house, Nandor is a broken man. 129 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,453 And I fear it's just a matter of time before he goes over 130 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,955 to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good 131 00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,792 and they decide to kill me and quarter my body 132 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:20,003 to share as sick souvenirs amongst themselves. 133 00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:23,800 Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting. 134 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,887 Come on. You know you want to. 135 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,764 - I'm not moving back into the house. - [Colin sighs] Fine. 136 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,558 - But will you at least talk to Nandor? - I don't think me talking to him 137 00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:35,727 is gonna make a difference. He's not gonna listen to me. 138 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,562 - Well, you didn't let me finish. - Sorry. 139 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:41,149 Uh, what I was saying before you cut me off and didn't let me finish was, 140 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:43,610 - maybe if you were to talk to Nandor... - Mm-hmm. 141 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:47,072 ...I could walk by or something and he'd see me and he'd be like, 142 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,281 "Oh, there's Colin Robinson. 143 00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:51,034 I should really form an alliance with him." 144 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:53,036 You know, to get out of having to talk to you. 145 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:54,162 Okay. Good night. 146 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,705 - [machine buzzing] - I appreciate you 147 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,749 playing my favorite song to cut the tension, 148 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,085 but I don't think it's gonna help me solve this problem. 149 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,420 Doesn't hurt though. 150 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,506 [humming] 151 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,218 Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor, don't talk to Nandor. 152 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,220 I don't care, all right? Just leave me out of it. 153 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,389 - Hypnotize him for all I care. - Oh. That's ridiculous. 154 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,433 Everyone knows you can't hypnotize a vampire. 155 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,600 They always have their guard up. 156 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:18,354 Well, then hypnotize him when he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be. 157 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:23,275 Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 158 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,152 [Guillermo] Can you do that somewhere else, please? 159 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,155 Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise. 160 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,157 Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two... 161 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,326 Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 162 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,663 - I have to find out. - [Guillermo] Colin. Oh, my God. 163 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:38,249 [rattling] 164 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,217 [creaking] 165 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:56,017 Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit. 166 00:07:57,018 --> 00:08:02,439 What's up? 167 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,318 Hear me now and believe me later. 168 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,154 You are a fierce warrior. 169 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:12,449 I am a fierce warrior. 170 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:15,410 You must stand your ground. 171 00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:18,121 [Nandor] Stand my ground. 172 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:22,835 Your only ally is Colin Robinson. 173 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,922 Are you sure? 174 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,299 Yes, you love Colin Robinson. 175 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,678 That sounds wrong, but okay. 176 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,805 All right. 177 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:45,232 {\an8}Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary? It's taking up a lot of room. 178 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:48,693 {\an8}Well, how else can I sit and review my stored items of science? 179 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:51,196 Is that a box of pornography in front of you? 180 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,156 No, anatomical textbooks. 181 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:56,743 The collective works of Doctors Flynt and Guccione. 182 00:08:56,744 --> 00:09:00,747 - Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor? - Oh. He's probably oversleeping. 183 00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:03,250 Without his home gym room, he has very little to live for. 184 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:09,005 Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna go for, uh, a walk. Just a normal walk. 185 00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:10,382 [Nadja] Okay. 186 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,217 I know what you're going to do with that chair. 187 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,928 You're going to sit in it and stroke yourself, reading your filth. 188 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,012 [Laszlo] Perhaps I will. 189 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,014 I'm sorry, my darling. Would you like a hand? 190 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,725 - [Nadja] Yes, I'd actually love one. - [Laszlo] Well, take your pick. 191 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,103 We've got a bunch of them. 192 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:30,443 Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m. Time to rise and... Oh! 193 00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,113 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 194 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:33,906 [sniffing] 195 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,035 Colin Robinson. 196 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,164 [screaming in Al Quolanudarian] 197 00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,210 [Nadja] Some of them are just too long to fit in as one piece. 198 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:48,587 - [Laszlo] That's what my gran said. - [Nadja] Ugh. 199 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,213 I am back from my walk. 200 00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,631 - Who fucking cares? - Give a fuck. 201 00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:54,551 I saw Nandor out in the hallway. He'll be in in a sec. 202 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,511 - [Nadja] Uh-huh. - [Nandor screaming] 203 00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:57,596 What the hell? 204 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,807 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 205 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,560 What the dick is he saying? 206 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,522 Oh. Hold on. I have a translation app here. 207 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,482 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 208 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:12,235 [woman] I have conquered officially the room from beneath the stairs 209 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:14,154 - in the name of Al Quolanudar. - No one's conquered anything. 210 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,406 What the fuck is he talking about? 211 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,200 And I could not have conquered the room from beneath the stairs 212 00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:22,788 without Colin Robinson, my primary ally within this fortress. 213 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,459 We take what we wish, and defend it unto death. 214 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,918 - [kisses] - [Laszlo] Oh. 215 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,754 You heard what he said, ding-dongs. 216 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,255 This is our house now, and if you don't like it, 217 00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:33,715 you can eat my ass. 218 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,217 [Nandor cackling, speaking Al Quolanudarian] 219 00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,261 [woman] Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass. 220 00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,512 {\an8}It is plain to see, 221 00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:42,349 {\an8}something very strange is going on with Nandor. 222 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,433 [Nandor screaming] 223 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,977 [Nadja] He's being competent and assertive. 224 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,355 Much different to the soaking-wet simp we are used to. 225 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,232 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 226 00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:54,694 I'm not gonna stand around while these two tits bugger about. 227 00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:57,405 I do important science in there three times a day. 228 00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,200 - Nandor, get the fuck out of there. - [woman] No, thank you. 229 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,911 - You heard the lady. Fuck off. - Wow. 230 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,413 - Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in. -"Shasay" away. 231 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:08,166 No, no, no. We're facing a bit of a contretemps. We need your help. 232 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,169 - Why don't you just all share the room? - My husband needs it for his body parts! 233 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,837 We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot. 234 00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,839 - [Colin] Quiet. - [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 235 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,259 [woman] I have a fair and equitable solution to propose. 236 00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,344 Okay, then. 237 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,012 Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears. 238 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,598 Mmm. 239 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,892 Yeah. So he set the house on fire. 240 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:29,187 Turns out his equitable solution was, 241 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,524 "if I can't have Guillermo's room, then no one can have it." 242 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,860 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 243 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:36,861 Or something like that. 244 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:40,573 It's hard to tell because he also set my phone on fire. 245 00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,784 [sirens wailing] 246 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,411 Boy, did we mess up. 247 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,455 We? No, there's no "we." This is all you. 248 00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,874 Who convinced me to sleep-hypnotize him? You. 249 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,167 What? I didn't do... Oh. 250 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:54,462 - Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe. - [groaning] 251 00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:57,590 Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him to go back to the way that he was before? 252 00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,759 Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted. 253 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,803 - Well, then get a new phone. - [Colin] Oh, my God. 254 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:02,971 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 255 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,348 - [Guillermo] That's not good. - [Colin] I would get a new phone, 256 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,768 but I kind of wanna wait until the new one's released next year. 257 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:12,188 I mean, there's nothing worse than updating your devices in the off-cycle. 258 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:14,816 Apple seems to be on an autumn release time frame. 259 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,568 Okay. You know what? Okay. How about this? 260 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,279 We use my translation app. And then after that, I'm out. 261 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:24,534 Okay. Type in, "You will return to yourself as you were before." 262 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,619 [beeps, speaking Al Quolanudarian] 263 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:27,704 - Great. - Okay. 264 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,205 [Guillermo] That should get him back to normal. 265 00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,666 [Colin] Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on. 266 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:34,754 [Guillermo] And after this, no more sleep hypnosis! 267 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:36,756 [Colin] Let's hit the hay, buddy. 268 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,007 Sleep hypnosis? 269 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,177 Is such a thing even possible? 270 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:52,353 When you awake, you will be much tidier. 271 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,438 Tidier. 272 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,690 Neater and cleaner. 273 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:59,194 You will not be able to tolerate a single mess. 274 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,362 Neater. Tidier. 275 00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,072 Everything in its right place. 276 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:04,700 I love you, Mommy. 277 00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:07,703 Oh. 278 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,174 Whoa. 279 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,635 Very good, my love. 280 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,095 Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else. 281 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:30,142 You know, they don't live as long, the-the bigger dogs. 282 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,520 - [Nadja] Oh. - Hey, man. I was reading that. 283 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,772 Well. Not now, you're not. I'll have to iron it now. 284 00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:38,483 What is your major malfunction? 285 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,610 FMJ, 1987. 286 00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:42,195 - Bloody savage. - Sheesh. 287 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,739 We shall never be belligerent. 288 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:48,159 But we shall be as firm in defending our system 289 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,912 as they are in expanding theirs. 290 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,915 I think we can all agree that is very well-spoken. 291 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,042 That sounds kind of like a threat to me. 292 00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:59,712 This is not a threat, this is a statement of policy. 293 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:01,089 But we are done arguing 294 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,758 over the shitty little room under the stairs, correct? 295 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,176 I have never been a quitter. 296 00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,636 [imitating Nixon] "But as president, 297 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,556 I must put the interests of America first." 298 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,349 What the fuck is he talking about? 299 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,102 [continues as Nixon] "Nobody will ever write a book, 300 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,647 probably about my mother." 301 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:22,277 So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor again last night. 302 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,945 Just to get him back to normal. 303 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,905 I will return to myself... 304 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:28,157 [Colin] And while I was messing around in there, 305 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,869 I thought, why not improve on the original? 306 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:34,289 - Basically, just like this guy. - This guy. 307 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:38,293 Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik. 308 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,920 Nobody will ever write a book, probably about my mother. 309 00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:43,172 [Colin] But, yeah, I think I may have 310 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:46,050 sleep-hypnotized Nandor into Richard Nixon. 311 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:51,806 For 16 years, since the Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun. A lot of fun. 312 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,183 You've had an opportunity to attack me. 313 00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:57,270 And I'd like to think I've given as good as I've taken. 314 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,355 - Colin Robinson. - Hmm? 315 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,774 Have you done something to Nandor's brain somehow? 316 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:04,278 No. No, I don't think I did. 317 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,239 - [Nandor as Nixon] Hmm. - Nandor, listen to me. 318 00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:10,117 Has Colin Robinson done something to your head? 319 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:12,828 [Nandor as Nixon grunts] 320 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:17,248 People have got to know whether their president is a crook. 321 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,627 Well, I'm not a crook. [grunts] 322 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:27,009 No, no, don't come in. 323 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,136 Whatever it is, I don't care. 324 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,680 - [sighs, groans] - [grunting] 325 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,517 - Are you okay? - [continues grunting] 326 00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,687 - Do you wanna talk about it? Come on. - [grunting] 327 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:41,440 - Okay. What is it? - [clears throat] 328 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,902 -"You know what it was." - What? 329 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:51,491 "It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog in a crate he sent all the way from Texas. 330 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,951 Black and white, spotted. 331 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:58,915 And our little one, Trisha, the six-year-old. She named it Checkers." 332 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,542 Wait, isn't this, like, a Richard Nixon speech? 333 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:05,129 "Our kids, they love that dog, and I just want to say this. 334 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:10,343 Right now, regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it." 335 00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:13,137 Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you 336 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,723 so you're only able to speak like Richard Nixon? 337 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:18,893 I will not put the blame on subordinates. 338 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:20,144 I'll take that as a yes. 339 00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:22,356 Would you like me to help undo it? 340 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,525 Sock it to me. 341 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:29,612 And you'll go back to the Nandor from before. 342 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,657 Just a regular vampire. 343 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,283 What is this? 344 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,454 Sleep hypnosis? Is such a thing even possible. 345 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,248 Your camera's filthy. 346 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:47,589 Packages. I hope it's my electric kettle. 347 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,259 No. Here we go. 348 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:54,095 No. It's, uh, all addressed to Laszlo Cravensworth. 349 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:55,013 It's weird. 350 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,057 I wonder how he even figured out how to use Prime. 351 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,852 - [Laszlo chuckles] - [Guillermo] What, uh... 352 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,020 Ah. 353 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,271 What's going on here? 354 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:07,525 My parcels from the Amazon. Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson. 355 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,736 Lord Laszlo's wish is my command. 356 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,113 [all] All hail Lord Laszlo. 357 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,408 [Laszlo] Solvents and sponges for everyone. 358 00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,868 {\an8}[Guillermo] May I just say you look fabulous, Baron. 359 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:17,953 Flatterer. 360 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,830 You know, but it turns out that these little scallywags 361 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,082 do more than just keep me young in spirit. 362 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:26,295 They also secrete a wonderful healing cream. 363 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,546 Look, I'm almost back to normal. 364 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:32,091 The Sire extracts milk from them every evening. 365 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:36,512 So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 366 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,681 Apparently, yes. 367 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,726 I kid you. Everybody knows about sleep hypnosis. 368 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,145 Do you think you could hypnotize them back? 369 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:48,067 Can I, the supreme all-powerful vampire, hypnotize them? 370 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,735 - Obviously. - Okay. 371 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,987 Why don't you hand me your very smart telephone 372 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,573 and I can record my hypnosis. You can play it for them later. 373 00:17:55,574 --> 00:18:01,204 But do not listen lest you become hypnotized yourself. 374 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,248 How about noise canceling? 375 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,667 Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if you put on your ear buddy phones. 376 00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:07,753 Okay. 377 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:09,754 [beeps] 378 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:15,551 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 379 00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:18,679 Let me listen to that back. I always sound so nasally in these things. 380 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:19,889 Okay. 381 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:25,103 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 382 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,230 - You like it? Yeah, okay. Great. - Yeah. 383 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,940 Okay. So now I will do the recording. 384 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,400 - Oh. Okay. - [clears throat] 385 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:36,405 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 386 00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,575 Okay. Let me listen to that back. I always sound so nasally in these things. 387 00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:40,827 Uh-huh. 388 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:46,707 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 389 00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,043 - Great. I'll just take the phone back. - Not-Not so fast. 390 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:50,963 I still need to do the recording. 391 00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:52,965 Oh. I see what's going on here. 392 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,259 [mouthing, shushing] Be quiet. 393 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,386 [door creaking] 394 00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,388 Come on. 395 00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:06,102 [The Baron] Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 396 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:11,399 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 397 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,943 [snoring] 398 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,321 [lock clicks] 399 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,407 [creaks] 400 00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:20,032 - [Guillermo grunts] - [Laszlo] Hmm. 401 00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,660 - Good. You guys are finally up. - Up with the lark. 402 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:26,414 [sighs] That was the best sleep I've had in ages. 403 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,957 Indeed, good sir. 404 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:31,544 Nandor the Relentless, by the way. I don't believe I caught your name. 405 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,673 Leslie Cravensworth. You may call me Mister Cravensworth. 406 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,550 [Nandor] Mister Cravensworth. 407 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:40,178 - And who's that? - I have no idea. 408 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,597 So, it seems that, uh, The Baron's hypnosis 409 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,682 not only made them forget about their hypnoses... 410 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:45,975 Relentless, you say? 411 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,102 - Yes. - Must be my lucky day. 412 00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,938 ...but it also made them forget that they had ever met each other 413 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,315 because, of course it did. 414 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:55,526 [Nadja speaking Greek] Nadja of Antipaxos. 415 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,569 [Laszlo] Mmm. 416 00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,157 - [in English] Nice to meet you. Nadja. - I say. Hello. 417 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:04,410 Hello. I'm Colin Robinson. Who-Who are you, boners? 418 00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:06,370 I say. Hello. 419 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:09,707 Yeah, I think I'm gonna like living here just fine. 420 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,793 Apart from the fact that I'm disoriented, slightly afraid 421 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:14,837 and don't know who you are. 422 00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:16,672 [Colin] Nice little nest we've got here, huh? 423 00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:19,550 Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier. 424 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,719 - Surely could hold a sex net. - Sex net. 425 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,929 [both chuckling] 426 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,722 Check out this little space back here. 427 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:29,518 Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space. Perfect for a place to hang out. 428 00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:31,854 - [Colin] Now we're talking. - I was thinking the same thing. 429 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:35,483 I mean, it's a bit small. It would only really be good for a solo pursuit. 430 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:40,780 If I may be so bold, I think I would like to set up shop here if that is okay. 431 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,490 Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold 432 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,701 because I myself was hoping to set up shop just here, so... 433 00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:48,663 Well, if I might be bolder still. I'd like to wank there. 434 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:51,750 See, I was thinking of just having an area that I could stand in. 435 00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,543 Well. 436 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,337 [Laszlo clears throat] 437 00:20:58,131 --> 00:20:59,258 [hissing] 438 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,636 So who the fuck is gonna get that space under the stairs? 439 00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,429 - Me. I am. - I guess you do your wanking... 440 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:07,139 [Nadja] I should have a safe space. 441 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,433 [chuckling] Hello, everyone. Knock, knock, knock, knock. 442 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,810 I need to tell you something. 443 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:14,272 I just want to say sorry that I haven't been around lately. 444 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:18,776 But I have been working closely with your old roommate Jerry the Vampire 445 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:22,780 on his big, fantastic plan to conquer all of North America. 446 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:24,448 - Who? - Come on. 447 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:27,118 You know Jerry the Vampire, your old roommate. 448 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,788 Super slumber guy, tall. He's got a round face. 449 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:35,752 I don't know who is who or what is what. But I am loving this ditzy blonde. 450 00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:40,464 - Sleep hypnosis. - Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you. 451 00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,842 [The Guide] Oh, yes. Sleep hypnosis is a very real thing. 452 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:46,429 I learned that my first week of Vampire Council sleepaway camp. 453 00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,556 Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine. 454 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:50,766 Enchanted. Have we met before? 455 00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:53,728 If we had, I'm sure I would have remembered. 456 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,396 - [kisses] - [The Guide] Anyway, 457 00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,566 it is quite easy to undo. 458 00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:02,153 [whispering] You have never been sleep hypnotized. 459 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:06,032 Neither of you have ever been sleep hypnotized. 460 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,034 Never, ever. Hush, little baby. 461 00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:10,412 Done. Done. Done. 462 00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:19,087 [yawning] I just had the strangest dream. 463 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:21,797 You were there, Laszlo. And you were there, Nandor. 464 00:22:21,798 --> 00:22:23,383 But we didn't know each other. 465 00:22:24,092 --> 00:22:25,344 - Oh. Was I there? - No. 466 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:29,806 Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking for a while and just let myself in. 467 00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:31,849 Guillermo de La Cruz. 468 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,517 - We know. - No shit, Geronimo. 469 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:37,938 Oh, good. You saw my resume. I'm here for an interview with Nandor. 470 00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:40,066 I saw the ad on Craigslist. 471 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:43,319 Half-bed, no bath, light housework required. 472 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,946 I think I can handle that. [chuckles] 473 00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:51,370 So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen to podcasts while he falls asleep. 474 00:22:51,953 --> 00:22:57,249 Unfortunately for him, he must've listened to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop, 475 00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:59,001 over and over again, 476 00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:03,548 instead of his usual Real Housewives from bumfuck wherever recap. 477 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,967 Oh. 478 00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,761 - Guillermo, is it? - Yes. 479 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:09,846 Nice to meet you. 480 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,558 I am Nandor. Shall we? 481 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,268 - Hi. - [Nadja] Good luck. 482 00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:21,565 And at Panera Bread, I was responsible for closing and opening of the shop. 483 00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,777 - Impressive. - Thank you. [chuckles] 484 00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,612 I was wondering if I could ask you something. 485 00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:27,697 Sure. 486 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:29,908 You guys are... 487 00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,578 - You know. - What? 488 00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:38,166 You guys are vampires, right? 489 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:40,585 Yes. 490 00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:45,381 I knew it. That is so awesome. I had a feeling. Just... 491 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,466 I didn't even see your fangs until now. 492 00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:48,926 That is so cool. 493 00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:51,220 I know you couldn't put that in the ad, obviously. 494 00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:52,763 - Well, yeah. - I was just... I... 495 00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:54,765 I've always fantasized about being one. 496 00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:56,767 - A vampire, that is. - Mmm. 497 00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:59,688 When I was little, I begged my mom for a cape. 498 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:03,691 She didn't have the money for it, but somehow she found a way of making one. 499 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:07,237 And I put that cape on, and I just fantasized about what it would be like 500 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,573 to fly all over the world. 501 00:24:10,073 --> 00:24:12,826 No one picking on you. Live forever. 502 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:16,872 I was a pretty shy kid, so I didn't have a lot of friends. 503 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,916 I'm sure you can understand that. 504 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,585 Not really. I was rich and a jock. 505 00:24:22,586 --> 00:24:24,253 Yeah. That makes sense. 506 00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:28,757 But I can imagine. It must have been very, um, hard. 507 00:24:28,758 --> 00:24:30,551 [Guillermo chuckling] It's okay. 508 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:35,974 I don't wanna jump the gun here, but I would love to be your familiar. 509 00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:38,309 - But I do wanna ask. - Mmm. 510 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,769 If I... 511 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,980 Or your familiar-- Whoever you choose. It's your choice... 512 00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:44,106 Sure. 513 00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:45,691 - ...did a really great job... - Mmm. 514 00:24:45,692 --> 00:24:47,694 ...and did everything you ever asked of them, 515 00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:50,238 - would you ever-- - Make you a vampire? 516 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,657 Yes. 517 00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,660 I must confess, I am a little tempted 518 00:24:56,661 --> 00:25:01,040 to keep Guillermo as he was the very first time he came to me. 519 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,084 I will dehypnotize him later tonight. 520 00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:07,963 But, for now, I will let him have one last sleep 521 00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:10,342 in his little room under the stairs. 522 00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:12,344 [heavily breathing] 523 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,891 I forgot how loudly he breathes. 524 00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:35,951 So in the end, we figured out the best solution. 525 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:37,744 Share the room. 526 00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:40,997 - [both] Share the room. - Share the room. 527 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:43,916 [Nadja groans] 528 00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:46,294 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 529 00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,796 ♪ I can't eat ♪ 530 00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:52,968 ♪ I can't sleep at night ♪ 531 00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:58,181 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 532 00:25:58,765 --> 00:26:03,186 ♪ You're doing very strange things to my brain ♪ 533 00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,985 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 534 00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:14,573 ♪ And I wonder if I'll ever be the same ♪ 535 00:26:19,786 --> 00:26:22,372 {\an8}♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪