1
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,306
I say, I was just thinking--
2
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:19,144
"I'll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.
3
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,646
- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.
4
00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:24,607
I was just thinking,
now that Gizmo is no longer with us,
5
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:28,653
perhaps we could repurpose that space
under the stairs that he used to live in.
6
00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:29,863
- So mean!
- What?
7
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,531
You know that it gives Nandor the pip
8
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,200
when he hears about
his old bouncing little buddy.
9
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,536
I don't even know
what you guys are talking about.
10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,329
- Guillermo.
- Who?
11
00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:42,083
The servant boy who used to live
in the rathole under the stairs.
12
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:47,213
I remember it was the perfect place
for me to store my precious volumes.
13
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:51,509
I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo lived here,
14
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,262
I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."
15
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:58,391
No, I think you'll find I grabbed
that space as soon as we moved in.
16
00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:00,060
Do you know who would remember?
17
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,019
Who?
18
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,313
- Jerry.
- Yes.
19
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,190
- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.
20
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,316
Yes.
- Good old Jerry.
21
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,526
- Jerry would remember everything.
- Yes.
22
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:09,986
Sorry. Who's Jerry?
23
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:16,409
{\an8}Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.
24
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,287
{\an8}Jerry's a good guy. Solid vampire.
25
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,914
Jerry was a real leader.
26
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,457
A man with a plan.
Yep.
27
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:26,294
{\an8}Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire.
28
00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:29,339
I mean, the man is all vampire,
no bullshit.
29
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,424
Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire."
30
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,261
No frills, no chills.
No "Blah, blah, blah the Relentless"
31
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,013
or "Vlad the Whatever."
32
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:41,059
"Jerry the Vampire." Bam!
Thank you, mister.
33
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,438
Jerry and I used
to have these really long talks,
34
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,190
and he'd actually listen to me.
35
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:51,236
He might have been the only person
in this house that actually liked me.
36
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,487
That's true.
37
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,823
- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.
38
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,950
Whatever happened to Jerry?
39
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,580
- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.
40
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,541
Shit. Shit. Fuck.
What?
41
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,875
I hope Jerry is okay.
42
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,377
This is a real mess-up!
43
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:11,923
Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.
44
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:15,760
Where they will stay sleeping
for decades and decades.
45
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,430
- Awakening only when their f--
- Their fellow vampires wake them up.
46
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:25,687
We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up
from his super slumber. Oops.
47
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:31,901
Which is an easy thing to forget
because we had a lot going on.
48
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,695
We did. So much.
49
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:39,409
And also, because Jerry had requested
to be woken up on New Year's Eve.
50
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:42,036
New Year's Eve, 1996.
51
00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:43,538
Right.
52
00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:45,456
This one's on us.
53
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:51,171
{\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
54
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,257
{\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪
55
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:56,843
♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
56
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,262
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
57
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,850
{\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
58
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,603
♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪
59
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,938
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
60
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,608
{\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
61
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,746
Does anyone remember
where Jerry's super-slumber coffin is?
62
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,122
Jerry?
63
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,499
Shh.
Don't scream his name like that.
64
00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,169
{\an8}We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.
65
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,130
Jerry?
Guys, guys, guys.
66
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:37,175
Here he is. It's Jerry.
Oh, gosh.
67
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,721
Jerry? Oh, Jerry?
68
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,809
Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
No, no, no.
69
00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:48,770
What have we done?
70
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:53,524
Jerry seems to have broken up into seven
or eight pieces that smell like old meat.
71
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:55,401
Hold on. This isn't Jerry.
What?
72
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:58,446
These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment
73
00:03:58,446 --> 00:03:59,948
I abandoned decades ago.
74
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:03,034
Couldn't be fucked, so I just left it all.
75
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,954
To create life. To use science itself--
76
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:10,041
chemical galvanism, electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera--
77
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,961
to reanimate dead tissue.
78
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:18,299
Now, whomever unlocks that mystery,
is not a man, but a god.
79
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,926
Like Frankenstein.
80
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:25,223
- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
81
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,641
Never heard of him.
82
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,601
Right.
83
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,938
Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature
84
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:35,358
that the world will hail
as Cravensworth's new man.
85
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,737
Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come
and help them lift this coffin lid.
86
00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:40,989
Sorry, my darling.
87
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,920
{\an8}- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
88
00:04:55,920 --> 00:05:02,719
Wow, that was a long one.
Happy New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.
89
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:05,680
- Finally.
- So fun. You're all looking well.
90
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,224
- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.
91
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:11,185
Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever.
92
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:13,730
Jerry, you're still buttering me up
like the old days.
93
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,733
Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume.
94
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,485
- You presume correctly. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
95
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:20,778
Hey, Jer-bear.
96
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,325
- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.
97
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,869
Good to see you as well.
98
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,246
So, how did it go?
99
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:33,333
Uh, how did what go?
100
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,917
Conquering the New World.
101
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:37,045
I would have given anything
to have been there for it,
102
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:40,256
- but I really needed that super slumber.
- I bet.
103
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:43,301
So, did you end up
conquering just the United States
104
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,761
or did you end up deciding
105
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:47,305
that the New World
means Canada and Mexico as well?
106
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,517
So you let me sleep
for 50 years instead of 20.
107
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:56,105
Which was not the plan.
And you conquered your street?
108
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,732
- Yes.
- And part of--
109
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,692
Part of Ashley Street.
Right.
110
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:03,112
Actually, most of Ashley Street. So...
Yes.
111
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:04,197
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
112
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,990
Again, you've showed me
whatever this thing is
113
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:07,700
where you can have a television
in your pocket.
114
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:11,454
No, I know. But you asked what
you've missed over the last 50 years.
115
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,623
So, I just thought you should see this.
116
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,458
What is this supposed to be?
117
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:18,211
Well, it's a bit of a brain teaser.
118
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,798
Does the dress look white and gold
or black and blue to you?
119
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:25,426
Okay. Stop.
But the fact that vampires exist,
120
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,136
that's still a secret, right?
121
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:28,805
Humans don't know about that.
122
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,099
Yes, totally. Got no idea.
123
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:35,978
Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty
124
00:06:35,978 --> 00:06:38,106
from prying human eyes.
125
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,649
And those who are too curious--
126
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,068
well, they'll spend
their last moments ruing the day
127
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,987
they poked their noses
in where they weren't belonging.
128
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,531
What he said.
Right.
129
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:51,285
But then, why is there a human camera crew
here filming everything?
130
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:57,959
Oh, them. [chuckles] No.
You don't need to worry about them
131
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,585
because, Jerry, they're cool. So...
132
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:00,878
Yes, very cool.
133
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:03,506
Do you even know
who they're going to show all this to?
134
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:05,425
Um...
135
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,135
You gotta hear this.
136
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,845
What? What is this?
137
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,056
It's a pretty comprehensive list
of the things you've missed.
138
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,351
Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.
139
00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:17,311
- Colin.
- Isn't that what I said?
140
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,604
No, you said Carl.
141
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,441
South Pacific,
Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.
142
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,152
I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?
143
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:28,614
Well, it stops in 1988
around the rock and roller Cola Wars.
144
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:31,701
- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!
145
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,743
Okay. Not now, guy.
146
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:37,748
Can somebody just please tell me
what is our current dark purpose,
147
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:40,793
and why are we letting
these humans know about it?
148
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,253
Um...
149
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,714
- Yes?
- Sit down.
150
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:45,798
Never mind.
151
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,509
Jerry has been asking
a lot of questions lately
152
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:53,389
about things I haven't thought about
in a long while.
153
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:56,726
{\an8}Things that make you go,
"Hmm" so to speak.
154
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,853
{\an8}Yes. Hmm.
155
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,401
Come on. In here.
Sure of it? Yep.
156
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:06,486
Quickly.
157
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,405
Sorry, I just need a private moment
with Nandor. So...
158
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,449
What?
Just wait a second.
159
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:16,537
Okay. They have left.
Now, why do we allow a camera crew
160
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:18,498
to document our every moves?
161
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,710
But who would not want to document
the lives of three exalted vampires?
162
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,003
And also Colin Robinson.
163
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:27,089
Obviously. But why do we allow it?
164
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:28,549
Hmm.
165
00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:30,760
- Right?
- You know who would remember?
166
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,261
Guillermo would remember.
167
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,931
- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can't do that.
168
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,474
No, no, no, he has a new life now.
169
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,601
He has a new home. He has a new job.
170
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,436
Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.
171
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,231
Fine.
172
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:48,611
Hello. We are going
to visit Guillermo in his new home.
173
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:52,949
This way.
You may not like where he lives now.
174
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,076
I do not like
where any human lives.
175
00:08:55,076 --> 00:09:00,331
There is always a sink and a couch
and a drawer full of spoons.
176
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,626
Well, you know, I actually
helped Guillermo to find his new home.
177
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,753
Well, because he was looking
for his independence,
178
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,713
and I kind of felt I owed him.
179
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,800
It's okay to admit
that you just miss him a little bit.
180
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,594
Please, Nadja.
Familiars, they come, and they go.
181
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,638
You know, you cannot get too attached.
182
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,057
Most of them are killed
in the line of duty anyways.
183
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,227
That's just the circle of life.
And here we are.
184
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:24,897
What? I thought he had his own apartment.
185
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:28,985
Well, he does in Laszlo's old garden shed
where he used to jack off.
186
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,823
Let's see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
187
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,199
Who is it?
188
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:37,326
Hi, guys.
189
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,371
So, yeah,
I moved into Laszlo's garden shed.
190
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,709
{\an8}There's a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say.
191
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:48,004
And there was some really big stains
that I couldn't identify.
192
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,922
I was gonna get my own place eventually,
193
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:54,010
but I looked around for a while
and realized I cannot afford anything.
194
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:58,014
So, when Nandor offered that I could
stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.
195
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,348
Sign me up.
196
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,643
So, Guillermo,
how long have you lived here?
197
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,520
- Months.
- Months?
198
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,480
- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?
199
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,898
Yeah.
This is actually the first time
200
00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:11,736
- I've seen Guillermo since he left. So...
- Bullshit.
201
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,988
Actually, no, he's telling the truth.
202
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:17,366
We've maintained really good boundaries
about not seeing each other
203
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,035
till I get my life together.
204
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,537
And where do you make toilet?
205
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:26,584
Hmm? Uh, I'm always at work,
so I just save it till I'm at work.
206
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:31,005
Work. And how is your new career going?
207
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,590
I work at a restaurant.
208
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:34,008
Panera Bread?
209
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:37,678
- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just--
210
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,889
- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?
211
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,683
You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?
212
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:47,271
And how is your new master at Panera?
213
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,649
My boss? Actually, he's good. He's--
214
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,400
Guillermo, what is this bucket?
215
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,487
You know what? It's getting late,
and I have to be up early.
216
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,696
So, I think probably just--
217
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:58,699
Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.
218
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,662
I was wondering what the smell was
that was here when I got here months ago.
219
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,205
- So that's what that was.
- The point is this,
220
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:10,461
Jerry has inquired as to why we allow
the documentary crew to film us.
221
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,005
- Wait. Who's Jerry?
- Never mind. Doesn't matter who Jerry is.
222
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,548
You miss a little, you miss a lot.
223
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:17,927
- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'm taking this bucket with me.
224
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,220
No, wait. Why?
225
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,515
Why not?
226
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,433
See you in another month
or two, Guillermo.
227
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,518
Well, look who it is!
228
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,269
Hello, my darling.
Hi.
229
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:28,562
Yes. That's my love.
230
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:29,980
Jerry and I've just had a feed.
231
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,817
I had to warn him about the modern roads
with the steel horses
232
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:33,901
with their rubber feet.
233
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:37,571
Again, I know what a fucking car is.
I wasn't asleep that long.
234
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:41,283
Laszlo, you sly dog.
What--
235
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:42,618
You.
236
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,245
Congratulations, my friend.
237
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,622
- I thought you said you didn't finish him.
- Finish what?
238
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:50,042
Your monster-- made of cadaver parts
and reanimated to give it life.
239
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,086
Jerry, that is Guillermo.
240
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:54,505
Did you see?
He looked when you said his name.
241
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,590
No, uh, he's human.
242
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:57,967
A human amongst us?
243
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,218
- Yes.
- I'll handle this.
244
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,678
No. Uh, Jerry.
No.
245
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:05,349
Jerry, no, no. This is Guillermo.
He's okay. He's our familiar.
246
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,686
Ah. Okay. Apologies.
247
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,855
Familiar, go fetch my coffin
from the basement.
248
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:15,860
Uh, the thing is, Jerry,
he's not our familiar anymore.
249
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,653
Okay. Why does he still live here?
250
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,573
- Good question.
- It's a long story. I'll tell you later.
251
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,032
- Yeah. Look.
- Don't.
252
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:26,370
Fine, but if someone asks you
why Michael Dukakis was riding on a tank,
253
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:29,165
you're not gonna know what to say.
You're gonna look dumb, Jerry.
254
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,208
It's pretty good.
255
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:35,296
So you haven't managed to reanimate
dead flesh to create new life?
256
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,381
- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.
257
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,550
If you haven't been working on that,
what have you been doing?
258
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,762
Tending my vulva garden.
Indeed.
259
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:47,183
Uh, Nandor, can I see you
for a moment inside?
260
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,727
Certainly, Jerry. This way.
261
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,061
He seems nice.
262
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,856
I turned Guillermo into a human,
which was a hassle,
263
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,900
- but for the best...
- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second.
264
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,985
- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?
265
00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,488
Me, Jerry? I'm great. Why do you ask?
266
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:04,158
It's just-- The old Nandor,
the Nandor I knew before I went to sleep?
267
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,452
- That's me.
- Is it though?
268
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:10,039
You were Nandor the fucking Relentless,
269
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,834
a killer of men,
a conqueror of continents.
270
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,045
- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?
271
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,880
Very good questions, Jerry.
272
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,800
The fuck happened around here?
273
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,100
Well, I'm going to turn in
before the sun comes up.
274
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,561
Get back on a normal schedule.
Good night, Jerry.
275
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:33,729
The fuck is that?
276
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,022
That is my dolly.
277
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:38,067
She contains the ghost
of my dead human form
278
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,110
from before I became a vampire, you know.
279
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,446
Right. Cool.
280
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,906
- Anyways...
- Good night, Jerry.
281
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,324
- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.
282
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,953
I hadn't finished speaking. Uh.
283
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,247
Good night, Kyle-in.
284
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,916
Good to have you back, old chap.
Good to be back.
285
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,709
And good to see
you two getting along again.
286
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,253
What's he talking about, my darling?
287
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,672
When I went under,
you two weren't speaking at all.
288
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,715
You hadn't spoken in five or six years.
289
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,592
Really? I think I'd remember
something like that.
290
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:04,677
Um. Me too.
291
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,137
Maybe it was a different Laszlo and Nadja.
292
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,889
It was a long time ago, I guess.
293
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:12,434
Literally 50 years ago, which, again,
was not the plan. But what's done is done.
294
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,521
Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo
295
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:18,482
had such a big argument
that we didn't speak for about five years?
296
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,734
- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?
297
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,404
It couldn't have been that bad.
I'm sure it's water under the bridge now.
298
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,614
You wanted to go out and get a real job
299
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:29,034
because of your morbid fascination
with regular folks.
300
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,121
- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.
301
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,832
He said it was too "dangerous-uh"...
Yeah.
302
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:39,169
...for you to be out on your own
without his protection or some bullshit.
303
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,964
You longhead streak of British piss!
304
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:43,716
Who are you to say
that I need your protection?
305
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,176
If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,
306
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:48,971
I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
307
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:52,433
- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what? You can get fucked.
308
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,436
How dare you talk to me like that
with that salty tongue?
309
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:57,563
- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?
310
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,482
Can't you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?
311
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:05,279
Jerry was one of the only real friends
that I ever had.
312
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,489
At least I thought he was.
313
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:12,494
It's pretty obvious, though,
that the guy doesn't remember me.
314
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,163
Jerry is right, of course.
315
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:15,497
What have I become?
316
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:18,584
My own familiar humiliates me
and what do I do?
317
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:23,547
Murder him? Nah, I become his landlord.
318
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,383
Where did I lose my way?
319
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:27,509
Jerry's right, of course.
320
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:31,221
I staked my entire reputation
on being a man of science.
321
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:34,558
A man to create life from dead tissue.
322
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:35,809
And what did I do?
323
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:38,520
I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence
324
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,024
and spent the last 50 years
pulling my pud.
325
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,277
Who the hell is Laszlo to forbid anything?
326
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,363
Think of what I could have become
327
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:50,115
if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.
328
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,660
That's right, girl. Don't let
these motherfuckers hold you back.
329
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:53,953
Yes. Exactly.
330
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,371
Truth.
331
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,498
A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,
332
00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:01,627
which would ordinarily be a feast
for an energy vampire.
333
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:05,965
But it's too much of a good thing
and it's starting to show.
334
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:09,802
I'm not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,
335
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,845
but it keeps soaking in
336
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:15,015
and I'll be damned
if it doesn't go straight to my hips.
337
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:19,228
Guillermo, do you think you might
respect me more if I had killed you?
338
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:21,397
What? No.
339
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,190
I think that was
a very nice thing you did.
340
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,274
Not killing me.
341
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,609
Yes. Yes. Yes.
342
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,529
Formerly known as Nandor the Relentless,
343
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:32,366
now known as Nandor the kind-of-nice guy.
344
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:35,661
Gizmo, I want you
to have my scientific devices.
345
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,372
I'll never make a man
from spare body parts,
346
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,332
so I won't be needing any of these.
I do not deserve them.
347
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,585
My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.
348
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,587
- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?
349
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,340
Do you think that would make a difference?
The moment has passed.
350
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,384
You sure you wanna get rid of this?
Looks pretty expensive.
351
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,553
Well, that there is my anal speculum.
352
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:56,223
It's tarnished from years of use,
but you're more than welcome to it.
353
00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:00,936
Guillermo, I need you to do me a favor
and please tell the pompous trout
354
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,313
with a woman's haircut,
also known as Laszlo,
355
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,566
that he needs to move his coffin
from our bedroom
356
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,192
to the couch in the library.
357
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:10,070
- But he's right there.
- Gizmo, would you please tell my wife
358
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,072
if she wishes
to kick a man while he's down,
359
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,407
to do so in writing?
360
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,200
What is going on with you guys?
361
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,746
- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.
362
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:21,582
I used to live in the house
right over there with you.
363
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,000
Colin, I know who you are.
364
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,251
At least somebody does.
365
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,920
Okay, this is not my place, not my job,
366
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,380
but clearly something's wrong.
367
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,132
And I think we can all agree what that is.
368
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,468
That I have become a total pussy?
369
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,721
- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?
370
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,223
That my pants don't fit anymore?
No.
371
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,060
I was gonna say it's Jerry.
372
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,646
- What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.
373
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,190
I know, I'm sure Jerry is a great,
374
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,524
- fantastic guy...
- He is.
375
00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:49,610
...but, you know, something happens
when you add a new person
376
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,445
into a group of friends.
377
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:52,571
It throws off the dynamic.
378
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,615
But you were the new person.
379
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:57,326
- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that's harsh,
380
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:02,331
but I made it work because I did
whatever it took to make all of you happy.
381
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,626
I mean, I ate your shit over and over.
382
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,836
I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.
383
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,422
Okay, is this your sneaky, slimy,
384
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,300
little way of letting us know that you
want to move back into the house with us
385
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,219
- and start working for us again?
- We accept.
386
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,972
No. No, absolutely not.
I was just joking, you know,
387
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,266
because we're doing just fine without you.
388
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:24,853
Great. The point is,
I'm sure Jerry was a great friend, right?
389
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,647
- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,
390
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,065
but it's just not working anymore.
391
00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:31,527
And you all need
to be honest with yourself and with him.
392
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,028
- He's right.
- Thank you.
393
00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:35,948
Guillermo, can you please tell the man
who just said "he's right"
394
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,283
that I reluctantly agree with him?
395
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:41,620
Okay, Guillermo is right. We will fix.
396
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,122
- Great.
- Great.
397
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,165
- I'll see you out. Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?
398
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,708
- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.
399
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,460
Will you help us fix this?
400
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:51,296
What part of "I don't work for you"
don't you understand?
401
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:56,635
Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar
or as a preeminent former shit-eater
402
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,179
of Staten Island, but as a former friend.
403
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:00,264
Yeah.
404
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,729
Look, we all know this is gonna be
a hard conversation to have, right?
405
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:10,065
- Yes.
- Okay. So who's gonna do the talking?
406
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,317
- As leader of this group...
- You're not the leader of the group.
407
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,570
- ...I shall do it.
- Well, I don't disagree with that.
408
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:17,698
Guillermo, could you please tell Laszlo
that it is not ever his right
409
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,742
to say what people can and cannot do?
410
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,704
Guys, can you just step back a little bit?
I'm trying to turn around.
411
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,539
- Okay, so what are you going to say?
- I will say,
412
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,876
"Jerry, old friend, we love you
and we have love for you,
413
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,711
but it's just not working out."
414
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,296
That's great so far. Okay, and then what?
415
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,547
These two will hold him down,
416
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,340
and I'm gonna drive this stake
through his heart.
417
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,508
What? No.
418
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:37,968
Or I could just chop his head off.
419
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,887
No.
Douse him with this holy water.
420
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,722
No.
- If he tries making a run for it,
421
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:42,639
I got this bad boy.
422
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,308
What makes you think
that you need to kill him?
423
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,809
It was your idea.
No, it wasn't.
424
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:47,436
There are other ways
of ending a relationship
425
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,562
than killing the other person.
426
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,689
Name one.
427
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,817
Shit.
Hey, guys. What's up?
428
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,487
What? Did you let me sleep
for another 50 years?
429
00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:58,614
What year is it?
430
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,201
- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.
431
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,119
- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
432
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:07,831
We love you
and we have love for you.
433
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:09,499
But it's just--
434
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,211
The thing is, you mean so much to us.
You're such a--
435
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,420
No.
436
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:17,925
Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that
you're such a big part of this family.
437
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,843
And there's something
that they all discovered
438
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:22,846
while you were asleep for 50 years
and they forgot to tell you.
439
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,265
- No.
- Tell me.
440
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,726
Well, no, I forgot it was my job
and I dropped the ball.
441
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,270
- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.
442
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,814
It's just that-- See, Jerry, it's-- Sorry.
443
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:37,527
I heard that you were the brains
behind the whole taking over America plan.
444
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,695
Yeah. Guilty.
445
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,489
He's gonna like what we have to show him.
446
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:43,784
So why don't you come on out
and we will show you--
447
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,619
- He's running!
- No, he's not, Colin.
448
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:50,290
Oh, gosh! It went right through my foot
in my orthopedic shoe.
449
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:53,043
You had a crossbow.
Ooh, that hurts.
450
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,795
So, what do you think?
451
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:58,465
Am I supposed to F him or--
You know, what's the plan here?
452
00:20:58,465 --> 00:21:01,385
I mean, you can if you want, but no,
that's not why I brought him here.
453
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,053
Well, why did you bring him here?
454
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:07,516
PS, I probably will F him but more
out of boredom than anything else.
455
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,060
Such as the plight of The Guide.
456
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:13,021
Okay. No, I brought him here
because he's everything
457
00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:14,898
you've been waiting your entire life for.
458
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,276
He wants to take over the New World.
459
00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:19,736
- It can't be true.
- It is.
460
00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:21,905
Could he be the chosen one
461
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:24,491
who will finally
make our conquest a reality?
462
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,326
Yep.
463
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:28,370
You know, I once thought Nandor
was the chosen one.
464
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:32,374
- Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin.
- Never.
465
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:36,086
I just said those guys
are kind of not self-starters.
466
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:37,963
- That's true.
- Uh, Lieutenant.
467
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,549
Oh, you can just call me The Guide.
468
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,801
You'll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'll like it.
469
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:46,013
You'll find I'm a bit of a stickler
for a chain of command.
470
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:48,473
- I like him very much.
- Told you.
471
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,143
Yes, sir. Lieutenant at your service, sir.
472
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,730
Now, is this the most current map
of the continental United States?
473
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,649
No.
- No, it is not, sir.
474
00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,527
{\an8}Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating
475
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:04,197
the highest ranks of the US government
a heartbeat away from the presidency.
476
00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:05,991
Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.
477
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:07,451
Get me everything you have on this guy.
478
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:09,703
We haven't had a vampire
so close to the throne
479
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,205
of human power since McNamara in '61.
480
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:13,915
Pulling those documents now, sir.
481
00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:16,793
And so we are of one mind.
482
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,546
Therefore, we shall meet here
for at least three hours every night
483
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:20,881
and conceive a plan--
484
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:26,011
the complete and total
vampire segregation of all humans.
485
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,472
- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let's do this.
486
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:29,598
Yes.
487
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,808
Can I get a beep-beep?
488
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:36,146
Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.
489
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:38,648
It is of the utmost importance.
490
00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:41,985
But is it as important as creating life?
491
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:45,864
I'm still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,
492
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:49,242
threatened and scared because I wanted
to learn the ways of the humans.
493
00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:52,454
But now, it is all about just me
going out there
494
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:56,124
and getting some
and then getting a little piece more.
495
00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:58,627
- Hmm?
- What about conquering the New World?
496
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:02,214
You know, yes,
conquering the New World or nothing.
497
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:04,591
Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.
498
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:09,054
Now let the conquest
of the New World commence.
499
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:12,307
House meeting. House meeting.
500
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,770
Hello? Guys?
501
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:20,732
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
502
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:24,403
♪ It was always burning
Since the world's been turning ♪
503
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,154
Pull me everything you've got
504
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,447
- on foreign debt...
- All right.
505
00:23:27,447 --> 00:23:29,324
- ...homeless vets...
- Yes.
506
00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:30,742
- ...AIDS, crack...
- Uh-huh.
507
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,286
- Yes, sir. Okay.
- ...and Bernie Goetz.
508
00:23:33,286 --> 00:23:38,375
Also any relevant documents
concerning the rock and roller Cola Wars.
509
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:43,004
Yes, here's a rock and roller
Cola "scroll."
510
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,214
Ah, perfect.
511
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,717
♪ Rock and roller, cola wars
I can't take it anymore ♪
512
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:50,470
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
513
00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:54,224
♪ It was always burning
Since the world's been turning ♪
514
00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:57,102
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
515
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,480
♪ But when we are gone
It will still burn on ♪
516
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:06,695
♪ And on, and on, and on
And on, and on, and on, and on ♪
517
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:10,407
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
518
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:14,119
♪ It was always burning
Since the world's been turning ♪
519
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,038
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
520
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:20,792
♪ No, we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it ♪
521
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,753
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
522
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:27,340
♪ It was always burning
Since the world's been turning ♪
523
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:29,384
{\an8}♪ We didn't start the fire ♪