1
00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:07,048
TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.

2
00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:10,343
Now I am a woman of the workforce,
I crave the weekends.

3
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,552
It's just a chance to relax

4
00:00:11,552 --> 00:00:16,307
away from Cannon Capital's meetings
and memorandums and electronic mails.

5
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:17,725
What is all this shit?

6
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,560
Laszlo!

7
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,814
My darling.
Do both these eyes look hazel to you?

8
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,274
I think it's important my monster
has a matching set.

9
00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:29,112
You have turned our home
into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin.

10
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:32,490
I thought you had finished creating
your freaky monster sex doll man.

11
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:35,326
My darling, if I am to maintain
my freaky sex doll monster man,

12
00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:36,995
as you inaccurately call him,

13
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,914
it's important I have an adequate supply
of spare body parts.

14
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,666
But what are these?

15
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,086
Uh, they're hearts. They're livers.
They're spleens. They're kidneys.

16
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:47,422
That's a cat's arsehole.
I've no idea what that is.

17
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,048
Whatever. Just get them gone.

18
00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:50,675
Mmm. All right.
- Come on, chop-chop.

19
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:54,095
There's no room in this house
for all the things I need to get done.

20
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,431
It's fine. I'll pick those up later.

21
00:00:59,892 --> 00:01:02,311
{\an8}<i>♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪</i>

22
00:01:02,311 --> 00:01:04,814
{\an8}<i>♪ They have no use for your song ♪</i>

23
00:01:05,481 --> 00:01:08,067
{\an8}<i>♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪</i>

24
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:11,070
{\an8}<i>♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪</i>

25
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,574
{\an8}<i>♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪</i>

26
00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:17,744
{\an8}<i>♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪</i>

27
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,079
{\an8}<i>♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪</i>

28
00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:22,749
{\an8}<i>♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪</i>

29
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,761
I have had enough.

30
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,930
{\an8}There are too many useless ball sacks
lying around the house

31
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:39,557
{\an8}with you and Nandor.

32
00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:41,726
We cannot deal with all this extra shit.

33
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:44,437
My darling,
I have everything under control.

34
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,022
Oh, do you?
Absolutely.

35
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,732
- Then what are those?
- Feet.

36
00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:52,195
Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell you
the game is afoot.

37
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,032
Shut up, Guillermo.

38
00:01:56,032 --> 00:02:00,036
Nandor, does it not concern you
that you are sat on top of a bag of noses?

39
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,204
I...

40
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,873
I thought it was a cushion.

41
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:07,168
I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again.

42
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:09,420
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Ugh. Pick me up.

43
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:12,006
Laszlo! I mean it!
Oh, get it off me.

44
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,176
Just find a place
to store all of this human crap.

45
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,385
All right, my darling.

46
00:02:16,385 --> 00:02:17,845
But where do you suggest?

47
00:02:17,845 --> 00:02:20,515
The small space under the stairs
where Guillermo used to live.

48
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,309
We never figured out what to do with it
since he moved into the shed.

49
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,729
Actually, that space
has already been occupied.

50
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:30,608
What the shit gives you the right
to take over that space, Nandor?

51
00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:35,488
Guillermo was my familiar.
And B: I have already done it.

52
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,073
<i>And so it begins.</i>

53
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:41,327
{\an8}First, Nandor unilaterally gives
my garden shed to Gizmo.

54
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:45,498
<i>A shed I lovingly converted
into a temple of self-worship</i>

55
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,500
or some might call it a "Jack Shack."

56
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,835
<i>No. This has to end now.</i>

57
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,879
<i>Otherwise, Nandor will
take over the house entirely.</i>

58
00:02:51,879 --> 00:02:55,508
A slope slippier
than a whore's saddle. Mmm.

59
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,510
If you had wanted
the space under the stairs,

60
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,512
you would have taken
the space under the stairs.

61
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,597
Yeah, well, I do want
the space under the stairs.

62
00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:05,059
And I intend to take
the space under the stairs. For all my...

63
00:03:05,893 --> 00:03:09,313
- To keep the body parts in order.
- Yes.

64
00:03:09,313 --> 00:03:11,566
Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.

65
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,694
I just want to let you know
that you guys are out of hot water.

66
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,779
Hold your horses, Noël Coward.

67
00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:20,324
You can tell your ex-boss
that this house is not a dictatorship.

68
00:03:20,324 --> 00:03:21,951
Yes.
- No, I don't want to get involved.

69
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,244
You guys figure it out, okay?

70
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,246
And how do you propose we do that?

71
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:27,081
I don't know. Take a vote.

72
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,457
Good idea, Guillermo.

73
00:03:28,457 --> 00:03:30,835
Hey, everyone,
let's have a vote.

74
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,336
Okay, I'm gonna go.

75
00:03:32,336 --> 00:03:34,088
Nandor, that is a great idea.

76
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,464
- Uh...
- Let's take a vote.

77
00:03:35,464 --> 00:03:38,467
All those in favor
of giving Laszlo dominion

78
00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:40,511
over Guillermo's old space
under the stairs

79
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,222
to use as a storage facility
for his bodily parts.

80
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:44,891
Yes, and all my sex stuff.

81
00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:47,435
Okay, raise hand.

82
00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:53,107
And all those in favor of it remaining
the sovereign territory of Nandor

83
00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:57,028
for his exclusive use as a home gymnasium,
which only Nandor can use,

84
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,279
raise your hands.

85
00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,238
- No.
- It is settled.

86
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,823
Two to one. Ha!

87
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,533
Bad luck, Blackadder.

88
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,784
I demand a recount.

89
00:04:03,784 --> 00:04:05,536
Sorry, the people have spoken.

90
00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,163
Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor.

91
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:10,833
Hear me out. Nadja. A gym only I can use,

92
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:11,918
- hmm?
- Fuck off.

93
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,629
Laszlo, still thinking about it?

94
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,922
No, not even a little.

95
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,715
Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor.

96
00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,009
What can I say? I lost.

97
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:23,095
Another time,
I would just seize the territory,

98
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:27,266
but I grow weary of the fight.

99
00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:32,396
Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy
to just hang up his spurs

100
00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:35,191
and go fuck himself right up the pooper.

101
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,110
Okay, fine.

102
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:41,739
I shall clear out my StairMaster
and booty bands by tomorrow.

103
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,491
Good. And also, give Laszlo his...

104
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:45,952
This is not good. Not good at all.

105
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:50,206
Yeah, so I regularly use
our network of vents

106
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,458
to gather intel on my housemates

107
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961
and I've recently uncovered
a troubling development.

108
00:04:57,546 --> 00:04:59,548
Well, it's finally happening.

109
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,593
{\an8}I'm being forced out of the house.

110
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:06,806
Over the years,
I've kept extensive records

111
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,809
detailing the power rankings
within the house.

112
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,186
Who's hot, who's not.
Who's chic, who's weak.

113
00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:15,648
Who's fly, who's shy.
Who's ballin', who's stallin'.

114
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,610
Up here, you have Nandor,
then Nadja, then Laszlo.

115
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,822
And down here, Guillermo, until recently.

116
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:29,620
And over here, is your baby boy,
Colin Robinson, who is going down.

117
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:35,501
I've been able to hold on to my place
in the house due to a delicate dance.

118
00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:39,046
Not unlike Henry Kissinger's
triangular diplomacy.

119
00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:42,466
Nadja and Laszlo represent
one stalwart alliance.

120
00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:45,219
Nandor and Guillermo the other.

121
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:49,390
My lone wolf status afforded me
a position of power.

122
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,558
A tiebreaker.

123
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:55,313
The Harold Prince to their
Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

124
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,482
But the power dynamics have now shifted.

125
00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:02,570
Now that Guillermo has left the house,
Nandor is a broken man.

126
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:05,406
And I fear it's just a matter of time
before he goes over

127
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,908
to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good

128
00:06:07,908 --> 00:06:10,745
and they decide to kill me
and quarter my body

129
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,956
to share as sick souvenirs
amongst themselves.

130
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:17,752
Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting.

131
00:06:19,795 --> 00:06:21,839
Come on. You know you want to.

132
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,717
I'm not moving back into the house.
Fine.

133
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:27,511
- But will you at least talk to Nandor?
- I don't think me talking to him

134
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:29,680
is gonna make a difference.
He's not gonna listen to me.

135
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,515
- Well, you didn't let me finish.
- Sorry.

136
00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:35,102
Uh, what I was saying before you cut me
off and didn't let me finish was,

137
00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:37,563
- maybe if you were to talk to Nandor...
- Mm-hmm.

138
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:41,025
...I could walk by or something
and he'd see me and he'd be like,

139
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,234
"Oh, there's Colin Robinson.

140
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,987
I should really form an alliance
with him."

141
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,989
You know,
to get out of having to talk to you.

142
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,115
Okay. Good night.

143
00:06:48,115 --> 00:06:49,658
I appreciate you

144
00:06:49,658 --> 00:06:51,702
playing my favorite song
to cut the tension,

145
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,038
but I don't think it's gonna help me
solve this problem.

146
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,373
Doesn't hurt though.

147
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,171
Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor,
don't talk to Nandor.

148
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,173
I don't care, all right?
Just leave me out of it.

149
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,342
- Hypnotize him for all I care.
- Oh. That's ridiculous.

150
00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,386
Everyone knows
you can't hypnotize a vampire.

151
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,553
They always have their guard up.

152
00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:12,306
Well, then hypnotize him
when he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be.

153
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:17,228
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?

154
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,105
Can you do that
somewhere else, please?

155
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,107
Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise.

156
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:24,110
Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two...

157
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,279
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?

158
00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:29,615
I have to find out.
Colin. Oh, my God.

159
00:07:45,589 --> 00:07:49,969
Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.

160
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:56,392
What's up?

161
00:07:56,392 --> 00:08:00,271
Hear me now and believe me later.

162
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,107
You are a fierce warrior.

163
00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:06,402
I am a fierce warrior.

164
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:09,363
You must stand your ground.

165
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,074
Stand my ground.

166
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:16,787
Your only ally is Colin Robinson.

167
00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:19,874
Are you sure?

168
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,252
Yes, you love Colin Robinson.

169
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,630
That sounds wrong, but okay.

170
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,757
All right.

171
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:39,185
{\an8}Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary?
It's taking up a lot of room.

172
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,646
{\an8}Well, how else can I sit
and review my stored items of science?

173
00:08:42,646 --> 00:08:45,149
Is that a box of pornography
in front of you?

174
00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,109
No, anatomical textbooks.

175
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:50,696
The collective works
of Doctors Flynt and Guccione.

176
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:54,700
- Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor?
- Oh. He's probably oversleeping.

177
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:57,203
Without his home gym room,
he has very little to live for.

178
00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:02,958
Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna go
for, uh, a walk. Just a normal walk.

179
00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,335
Okay.

180
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,170
I know what you're going to do
with that chair.

181
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,881
You're going to sit in it
and stroke yourself, reading your filth.

182
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,965
Perhaps I will.

183
00:09:09,965 --> 00:09:11,967
I'm sorry, my darling.
Would you like a hand?

184
00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:14,678
Yes, I'd actually love one.
Well, take your pick.

185
00:09:14,678 --> 00:09:16,055
We've got a bunch of them.

186
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,396
Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m.
Time to rise and... Oh!

187
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,987
Colin Robinson.

188
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:41,163
Some of them are just too long
to fit in as one piece.

189
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,540
That's what my gran said.
Ugh.

190
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,166
I am back from my walk.

191
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,584
- Who fucking cares?
- Give a fuck.

192
00:09:45,584 --> 00:09:48,504
I saw Nandor out in the hallway.
He'll be in in a sec.

193
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,464
Uh-huh.

194
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:51,549
What the hell?

195
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,513
What the dick is he saying?

196
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,474
Oh. Hold on.
I have a translation app here.

197
00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:06,188
<i>I have conquered officially
the room from beneath the stairs</i>

198
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,107
<i>- in the name of Al Quolanudar.</i>
- No one's conquered anything.

199
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,358
What the fuck is he talking about?

200
00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:13,153
<i>And I could not have conquered
the room from beneath the stairs</i>

201
00:10:13,153 --> 00:10:16,740
<i>without Colin Robinson,
my primary ally within this fortress.</i>

202
00:10:18,742 --> 00:10:21,412
<i>We take what we wish,
and defend it unto death.</i>

203
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,871
Oh.

204
00:10:22,871 --> 00:10:24,707
You heard what he said, ding-dongs.

205
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,208
This is our house now,
and if you don't like it,

206
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,668
you can eat my ass.

207
00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:32,214
<i>Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.</i>

208
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:33,465
{\an8}It is plain to see,

209
00:10:33,465 --> 00:10:36,302
{\an8}something very strange
is going on with Nandor.

210
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,930
He's being competent
and assertive.

211
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,308
Much different
to the soaking-wet simp we are used to.

212
00:10:45,185 --> 00:10:48,647
I'm not gonna stand around
while these two tits bugger about.

213
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:51,358
I do important science in there
three times a day.

214
00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:54,153
Nandor, get the fuck out of there.
<i>No, thank you.</i>

215
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,864
- You heard the lady. Fuck off.
- Wow.

216
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,366
- Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in.
-"Shasay" away.

217
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:02,119
No, no, no. We're facing
a bit of a contretemps. We need your help.

218
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:05,122
- Why don't you just all share the room?
- My husband needs it for his body parts!

219
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,790
We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot.

220
00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:08,792
Quiet.

221
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:12,212
I have a fair
and equitable solution to propose.

222
00:11:12,212 --> 00:11:13,297
Okay, then.

223
00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:14,965
Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.

224
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,550
Mmm.

225
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:19,845
Yeah. So he set the house on fire.

226
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,140
Turns out his equitable solution was,

227
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,477
"if I can't have Guillermo's room,
then no one can have it."

228
00:11:29,813 --> 00:11:30,814
Or something like that.

229
00:11:30,814 --> 00:11:34,526
It's hard to tell
because he also set my phone on fire.

230
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,364
Boy, did we mess up.

231
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:41,408
We? No, there's no "we." This is all you.

232
00:11:41,408 --> 00:11:43,827
Who convinced me
to sleep-hypnotize him? You.

233
00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,120
What? I didn't do... Oh.

234
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,415
Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe.

235
00:11:48,415 --> 00:11:51,543
Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him
to go back to the way that he was before?

236
00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:53,712
Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted.

237
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:55,756
Well, then get a new phone.
Oh, my God.

238
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,301
That's not good.
I would get a new phone,

239
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:02,721
but I kind of wanna wait
until the new one's released next year.

240
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:06,141
I mean, there's nothing worse than
updating your devices in the off-cycle.

241
00:12:06,141 --> 00:12:08,769
Apple seems to be
on an autumn release time frame.

242
00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,521
Okay. You know what? Okay. How about this?

243
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,232
We use my translation app.
And then after that, I'm out.

244
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:18,487
Okay. Type in, "You will return
to yourself as you were before."

245
00:12:20,572 --> 00:12:21,657
- Great.
- Okay.

246
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,158
That should get him
back to normal.

247
00:12:23,158 --> 00:12:25,619
Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on.

248
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:28,706
And after this,
no more sleep hypnosis!

249
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,708
Let's hit the hay, buddy.

250
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,960
Sleep hypnosis?

251
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,129
Is such a thing even possible?

252
00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:46,306
When you awake, you will be much tidier.

253
00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:47,391
Tidier.

254
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,643
Neater and cleaner.

255
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:53,147
You will not be able
to tolerate a single mess.

256
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,315
Neater. Tidier.

257
00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:57,025
Everything in its right place.

258
00:12:57,025 --> 00:12:58,652
I love you, Mommy.

259
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:01,655
Oh.

260
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,126
Whoa.

261
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:17,588
Very good, my love.

262
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,048
Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else.

263
00:13:20,048 --> 00:13:24,094
You know, they don't live as long,
the-the bigger dogs.

264
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,473
Oh.
- Hey, man. I was reading that.

265
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,725
Well. Not now, you're not.
I'll have to iron it now.

266
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,436
What is your major malfunction?

267
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,563
FMJ, 1987.

268
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:36,148
- Bloody savage.
- Sheesh.

269
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,692
We shall never be belligerent.

270
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:42,112
But we shall be as firm
in defending our system

271
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,865
as they are in expanding theirs.

272
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:47,868
I think we can all agree
that is very well-spoken.

273
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,995
That sounds kind of like a threat to me.

274
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:53,665
This is not a threat,
this is a statement of policy.

275
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:55,042
But we are done arguing

276
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,711
over the shitty little room
under the stairs, correct?

277
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,129
I have never been a quitter.

278
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,589
"But as president,

279
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:03,509
I must put the interests
of America first."

280
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,302
What the fuck is he talking about?

281
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:08,055
"Nobody will ever write a book,

282
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:11,600
probably about my mother."

283
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:16,230
So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor
again last night.

284
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,898
Just to get him back to normal.

285
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,858
I will return to myself...

286
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,110
And while
I was messing around in there,

287
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,822
I thought,
why not improve on the original?

288
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:28,242
- Basically, just like this guy.
- This guy.

289
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:32,246
Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik.

290
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,873
<i>Nobody will ever write a book,
probably about my mother.</i>

291
00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:37,125
But, yeah, I think I may have

292
00:14:37,125 --> 00:14:40,003
sleep-hypnotized Nandor
into Richard Nixon.

293
00:14:40,003 --> 00:14:45,759
For 16 years, since the Hiss case,
you've had a lot of fun. A lot of fun.

294
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,136
You've had an opportunity to attack me.

295
00:14:48,136 --> 00:14:51,223
And I'd like to think
I've given as good as I've taken.

296
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,308
- Colin Robinson.
- Hmm?

297
00:14:53,308 --> 00:14:55,727
Have you done something
to Nandor's brain somehow?

298
00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:58,230
No. No, I don't think I did.

299
00:14:59,439 --> 00:15:01,191
Hmm.
- Nandor, listen to me.

300
00:15:01,316 --> 00:15:04,069
Has Colin Robinson done something
to your head?

301
00:15:07,614 --> 00:15:11,201
People have got to know
whether their president is a crook.

302
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,579
Well, I'm not a crook.

303
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:20,961
No, no, don't come in.

304
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,088
Whatever it is, I don't care.

305
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,470
Are you okay?

306
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,639
Do you wanna talk about it? Come on.

307
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,392
Okay. What is it?

308
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,855
-"You know what it was."
- What?

309
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:45,444
"It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog
in a crate he sent all the way from Texas.

310
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,904
Black and white, spotted.

311
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:52,868
And our little one, Trisha,
the six-year-old. She named it Checkers."

312
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,495
Wait, isn't this,
like, a Richard Nixon speech?

313
00:15:55,495 --> 00:15:59,082
"Our kids, they love that dog,
and I just want to say this.

314
00:15:59,082 --> 00:16:04,296
Right now, regardless of what they say
about it, we're gonna keep it."

315
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:07,090
Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you

316
00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:09,676
so you're only able to speak
like Richard Nixon?

317
00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:12,846
I will not put the blame on subordinates.

318
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,097
I'll take that as a yes.

319
00:16:14,097 --> 00:16:16,308
Would you like me to help undo it?

320
00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:19,478
Sock it to me.

321
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:23,565
And you'll go back
to the Nandor from before.

322
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,610
Just a regular vampire.

323
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,236
What is this?

324
00:16:28,236 --> 00:16:31,406
Sleep hypnosis?
Is such a thing even possible.

325
00:16:32,115 --> 00:16:33,200
Your camera's filthy.

326
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,541
Packages. I hope it's my electric kettle.

327
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,211
No. Here we go.

328
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,048
No. It's, uh, all addressed
to Laszlo Cravensworth.

329
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:48,966
It's weird.

330
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,009
I wonder how he even figured out
how to use Prime.

331
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,805
What, uh...

332
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:55,973
Ah.

333
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,224
What's going on here?

334
00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:01,478
My parcels from the Amazon.
Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson.

335
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,689
Lord Laszlo's wish is my command.

336
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,066
All hail Lord Laszlo.

337
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:08,360
Solvents and sponges for everyone.

338
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,821
May I just say
you look fabulous, Baron.

339
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,905
Flatterer.

340
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,783
You know, but it turns out
that these little scallywags

341
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,035
do more than just keep me young in spirit.

342
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:20,247
They also secrete
a wonderful healing cream.

343
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,499
Look, I'm almost back to normal.

344
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:26,044
The Sire extracts milk
from them every evening.

345
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:30,465
So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?

346
00:17:30,465 --> 00:17:31,633
Apparently, yes.

347
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,679
I kid you. Everybody knows
about sleep hypnosis.

348
00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:38,098
Do you think you could
hypnotize them back?

349
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:42,019
Can I, the supreme all-powerful vampire,
hypnotize them?

350
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:44,688
- Obviously.
- Okay.

351
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,940
Why don't you hand me
your very smart telephone

352
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:49,526
and I can record my hypnosis.
You can play it for them later.

353
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:55,157
But do not listen
lest you become hypnotized yourself.

354
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,201
How about noise canceling?

355
00:17:58,201 --> 00:18:00,620
Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if you put
on your ear buddy phones.

356
00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:01,705
Okay.

357
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:09,504
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.

358
00:18:09,504 --> 00:18:12,632
Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally in these things.

359
00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:13,842
Okay.

360
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:19,056
<i>Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.</i>

361
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,183
- You like it? Yeah, okay. Great.
- Yeah.

362
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:22,893
Okay. So now I will do the recording.

363
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,352
Oh. Okay.

364
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:30,358
Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.

365
00:18:30,358 --> 00:18:33,528
Okay. Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally in these things.

366
00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:34,780
Uh-huh.

367
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:40,660
<i>Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.</i>

368
00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:42,996
- Great. I'll just take the phone back.
- Not-Not so fast.

369
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,915
I still need to do the recording.

370
00:18:45,665 --> 00:18:46,917
Oh. I see what's going on here.

371
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,212
Be quiet.

372
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,340
Come on.

373
00:18:55,717 --> 00:19:00,055
<i>Ye shall forget everything
ye know and everything ye have known.</i>

374
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:05,352
<i>Ye shall forget everything ye know
and everything ye have known.</i>

375
00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:13,985
Hmm.

376
00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:16,613
- Good. You guys are finally up.
- Up with the lark.

377
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,367
That was the best sleep
I've had in ages.

378
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,910
Indeed, good sir.

379
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:25,497
Nandor the Relentless, by the way.
I don't believe I caught your name.

380
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:29,626
Leslie Cravensworth.
You may call me Mister Cravensworth.

381
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:31,503
Mister Cravensworth.

382
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,131
- And who's that?
- I have no idea.

383
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,550
So, it seems that, uh,
The Baron's hypnosis

384
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,635
not only made them forget
about their hypnoses...

385
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:39,928
Relentless, you say?

386
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,055
- Yes.
- Must be my lucky day.

387
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:44,891
...but it also made them forget
that they had ever met each other

388
00:19:44,891 --> 00:19:46,268
because, of course it did.

389
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,479
Nadja of Antipaxos.

390
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:50,522
Mmm.

391
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:54,109
Nice to meet you. Nadja.
- I say. Hello.

392
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:58,363
Hello. I'm Colin Robinson.
Who-Who are you, boners?

393
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,323
I say. Hello.

394
00:20:00,323 --> 00:20:03,660
Yeah, I think I'm gonna like
living here just fine.

395
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,746
Apart from the fact
that I'm disoriented, slightly afraid

396
00:20:06,746 --> 00:20:08,790
and don't know who you are.

397
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,625
Nice little nest
we've got here, huh?

398
00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:13,503
Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier.

399
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:15,672
- Surely could hold a sex net.
- Sex net.

400
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,675
Check out this little space back here.

401
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:23,471
Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space.
Perfect for a place to hang out.

402
00:20:23,471 --> 00:20:25,807
Now we're talking.
- I was thinking the same thing.

403
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,436
I mean, it's a bit small. It would
only really be good for a solo pursuit.

404
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:34,733
If I may be so bold, I think I would like
to set up shop here if that is okay.

405
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,443
Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold

406
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,654
because I myself was hoping
to set up shop just here, so...

407
00:20:39,654 --> 00:20:42,616
Well, if I might be bolder still.
I'd like to wank there.

408
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,702
See, I was thinking of just having an area
that I could stand in.

409
00:20:46,369 --> 00:20:47,495
Well.

410
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,589
So who the fuck is gonna get
that space under the stairs?

411
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,382
- Me. I am.
- I guess you do your wanking...

412
00:20:59,382 --> 00:21:01,092
I should have a safe space.

413
00:21:01,092 --> 00:21:03,386
Hello, everyone.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.

414
00:21:03,386 --> 00:21:04,763
I need to tell you something.

415
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,225
I just want to say sorry
that I haven't been around lately.

416
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:12,729
But I have been working closely
with your old roommate Jerry the Vampire

417
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,733
on his big, fantastic plan
to conquer all of North America.

418
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:18,401
- Who?
- Come on.

419
00:21:18,401 --> 00:21:21,071
You know Jerry the Vampire,
your old roommate.

420
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:24,741
Super slumber guy, tall.
He's got a round face.

421
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:29,704
I don't know who is who or what is what.
But I am loving this ditzy blonde.

422
00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:34,417
- Sleep hypnosis.
- Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you.

423
00:21:34,417 --> 00:21:36,795
<i>Oh, yes.
Sleep hypnosis is a very real thing.</i>

424
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:40,382
I learned that my first week
of Vampire Council sleepaway camp.

425
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,509
Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.

426
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,719
Enchanted. Have we met before?

427
00:21:44,719 --> 00:21:47,681
If we had,
I'm sure I would have remembered.

428
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,349
<i>Anyway,</i>

429
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,518
<i>it is quite easy to undo.</i>

430
00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:56,106
You have never been
sleep hypnotized.

431
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:59,985
Neither of you have ever
been sleep hypnotized.

432
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,987
Never, ever. Hush, little baby.

433
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,364
Done. Done. Done.

434
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:13,039
I just had the strangest dream.

435
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,750
You were there, Laszlo.
And you were there, Nandor.

436
00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:17,335
But we didn't know each other.

437
00:22:18,044 --> 00:22:19,296
- Oh. Was I there?
- No.

438
00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:23,758
Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking
for a while and just let myself in.

439
00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:25,802
Guillermo de La Cruz.

440
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,470
- We know.
- No shit, Geronimo.

441
00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:31,891
Oh, good. You saw my resume.
I'm here for an interview with Nandor.

442
00:22:31,891 --> 00:22:34,019
I saw the ad on Craigslist.

443
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:37,272
Half-bed, no bath,
light housework required.

444
00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:38,898
I think I can handle that.

445
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:45,322
So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen
to podcasts while he falls asleep.

446
00:22:45,905 --> 00:22:51,202
Unfortunately for him, he must've listened
to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop,

447
00:22:51,202 --> 00:22:52,954
over and over again,

448
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:57,500
instead of his usual Real Housewives
from bumfuck wherever recap.

449
00:22:58,376 --> 00:22:59,919
Oh.

450
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:02,714
- Guillermo, is it?
- Yes.

451
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:03,798
Nice to meet you.

452
00:23:05,633 --> 00:23:07,510
I am Nandor. Shall we?

453
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,220
Hi.
Good luck.

454
00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:15,518
And at Panera Bread, I was responsible
for closing and opening of the shop.

455
00:23:15,518 --> 00:23:17,729
- Impressive.
- Thank you.

456
00:23:18,646 --> 00:23:20,565
I was wondering
if I could ask you something.

457
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:21,649
Sure.

458
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:23,860
You guys are...

459
00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:28,531
- You know.
- What?

460
00:23:28,531 --> 00:23:32,118
You guys are vampires, right?

461
00:23:33,536 --> 00:23:34,537
Yes.

462
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:39,334
I knew it. That is so awesome.
I had a feeling. Just...

463
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,419
I didn't even see your fangs until now.

464
00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:42,879
That is so cool.

465
00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:45,173
I know you couldn't put that
in the ad, obviously.

466
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,716
- Well, yeah.
- I was just... I...

467
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,718
I've always fantasized about being one.

468
00:23:48,718 --> 00:23:50,720
- A vampire, that is.
- Mmm.

469
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,640
When I was little,
I begged my mom for a cape.

470
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:57,644
She didn't have the money for it,
but somehow she found a way of making one.

471
00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:01,189
And I put that cape on, and I just
fantasized about what it would be like

472
00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:03,525
to fly all over the world.

473
00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:06,778
No one picking on you. Live forever.

474
00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:10,824
I was a pretty shy kid,
so I didn't have a lot of friends.

475
00:24:11,741 --> 00:24:13,868
I'm sure you can understand that.

476
00:24:14,577 --> 00:24:16,538
Not really. I was rich and a jock.

477
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,206
Yeah. That makes sense.

478
00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:22,710
But I can imagine.
It must have been very, um, hard.

479
00:24:22,710 --> 00:24:24,504
It's okay.

480
00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:29,926
I don't wanna jump the gun here,
but I would love to be your familiar.

481
00:24:30,718 --> 00:24:32,262
- But I do wanna ask.
- Mmm.

482
00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,721
If I...

483
00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:36,933
Or your familiar--
Whoever you choose. It's your choice...

484
00:24:36,933 --> 00:24:38,059
Sure.

485
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,644
- ...did a really great job...
- Mmm.

486
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,646
...and did everything
you ever asked of them,

487
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:44,190
- would you ever--
- Make you a vampire?

488
00:24:46,609 --> 00:24:47,610
Yes.

489
00:24:47,610 --> 00:24:50,613
I must confess, I am a little tempted

490
00:24:50,613 --> 00:24:54,993
to keep Guillermo as he was
the very first time he came to me.

491
00:24:54,993 --> 00:24:58,037
I will dehypnotize him later tonight.

492
00:24:58,037 --> 00:25:01,916
But, for now,
I will let him have one last sleep

493
00:25:01,916 --> 00:25:04,294
in his little room under the stairs.

494
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,843
I forgot how loudly he breathes.

495
00:25:26,649 --> 00:25:29,903
So in the end,
we figured out the best solution.

496
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:31,696
Share the room.

497
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,949
Share the room.
- Share the room.

498
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,246
<i>♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪</i>

499
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,749
<i>♪ I can't eat ♪</i>

500
00:25:42,749 --> 00:25:46,920
<i>♪ I can't sleep at night ♪</i>

501
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:52,133
<i>♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪</i>

502
00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:57,138
<i>♪ You're doing very strange things
to my brain ♪</i>

503
00:26:00,391 --> 00:26:03,937
<i>♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪</i>

504
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:08,525
<i>♪ And I wonder if I'll ever be the same ♪</i>

505
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:16,324
{\an8}<i>♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪</i>