1 00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:03,878 [groans] 2 00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:07,048 TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL. 3 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:10,343 Now I am a woman of the workforce, I crave the weekends. 4 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,552 It's just a chance to relax 5 00:00:11,552 --> 00:00:16,307 away from Cannon Capital's meetings and memorandums and electronic mails. 6 00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:17,725 What is all this shit? 7 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,560 Laszlo! 8 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,814 [whimpers] My darling. Do both these eyes look hazel to you? 9 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,274 I think it's important my monster has a matching set. 10 00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:29,112 You have turned our home into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin. 11 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:32,490 I thought you had finished creating your freaky monster sex doll man. 12 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:35,326 My darling, if I am to maintain my freaky sex doll monster man, 13 00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:36,995 as you inaccurately call him, 14 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,914 it's important I have an adequate supply of spare body parts. 15 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,666 But what are these? 16 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,086 Uh, they're hearts. They're livers. They're spleens. They're kidneys. 17 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:47,422 That's a cat's arsehole. I've no idea what that is. 18 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,048 Whatever. Just get them gone. 19 00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:50,675 - [Laszlo] Mmm. All right. - Come on, chop-chop. 20 00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:54,095 There's no room in this house for all the things I need to get done. 21 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,431 It's fine. I'll pick those up later. 22 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,058 {\an8}["You're Dead" playing] 23 00:00:59,892 --> 00:01:02,311 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 24 00:01:02,311 --> 00:01:04,814 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 25 00:01:05,481 --> 00:01:08,067 {\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 26 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:11,070 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 27 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,574 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 28 00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:17,744 {\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪ 29 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,079 {\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 30 00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:22,749 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 31 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,258 [song ends] 32 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,761 {\an8}[speaking Greek] I have had enough. 33 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,930 {\an8}There are too many useless ball sacks lying around the house 34 00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:39,557 {\an8}with you and Nandor. 35 00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:41,726 We cannot deal with all this extra shit. 36 00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:44,437 My darling, I have everything under control. 37 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,022 - Oh, do you? - [Laszlo] Absolutely. 38 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,732 - Then what are those? - Feet. 39 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:52,195 Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell you the game is afoot. [chuckles] 40 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,032 Shut up, Guillermo. 41 00:01:56,032 --> 00:02:00,036 Nandor, does it not concern you that you are sat on top of a bag of noses? 42 00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,204 I... 43 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,873 [chuckling] I thought it was a cushion. 44 00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:07,168 [speaking Greek] I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again. 45 00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:09,420 - Oh, no! No, no, no! - [Nadja Doll] Ugh. Pick me up. 46 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:12,006 - Laszlo! I mean it! [groans] - [Nadja Doll] Oh, get it off me. 47 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,176 Just find a place to store all of this human crap. 48 00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,385 All right, my darling. 49 00:02:16,385 --> 00:02:17,845 But where do you suggest? 50 00:02:17,845 --> 00:02:20,515 The small space under the stairs where Guillermo used to live. 51 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,309 We never figured out what to do with it since he moved into the shed. 52 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,729 Actually, that space has already been occupied. 53 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:30,608 What the shit gives you the right to take over that space, Nandor? 54 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:35,488 A: Guillermo was my familiar. And B: I have already done it. 55 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,073 [Laszlo] And so it begins. 56 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:41,327 {\an8}First, Nandor unilaterally gives my garden shed to Gizmo. 57 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:45,498 A shed I lovingly converted into a temple of self-worship 58 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,500 or some might call it a "Jack Shack." 59 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,835 No. This has to end now. 60 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,879 Otherwise, Nandor will take over the house entirely. 61 00:02:51,879 --> 00:02:55,508 A slope slippier than a whore's saddle. Mmm. 62 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,510 If you had wanted the space under the stairs, 63 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,512 you would have taken the space under the stairs. 64 00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,597 Yeah, well, I do want the space under the stairs. 65 00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:05,059 And I intend to take the space under the stairs. For all my... 66 00:03:05,893 --> 00:03:09,313 - To keep the body parts in order. - Yes. 67 00:03:09,313 --> 00:03:11,566 Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt. 68 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,694 I just want to let you know that you guys are out of hot water. 69 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,779 Hold your horses, Noël Coward. 70 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:20,324 You can tell your ex-boss that this house is not a dictatorship. 71 00:03:20,324 --> 00:03:21,951 - [Nadja] Yes. - No, I don't want to get involved. 72 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,244 You guys figure it out, okay? 73 00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,246 And how do you propose we do that? 74 00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:27,081 I don't know. Take a vote. 75 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,457 Good idea, Guillermo. 76 00:03:28,457 --> 00:03:30,835 [imitating] Hey, everyone, let's have a vote. 77 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,336 Okay, I'm gonna go. 78 00:03:32,336 --> 00:03:34,088 Nandor, that is a great idea. 79 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,464 - Uh... - Let's take a vote. 80 00:03:35,464 --> 00:03:38,467 All those in favor of giving Laszlo dominion 81 00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:40,511 over Guillermo's old space under the stairs 82 00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,222 to use as a storage facility for his bodily parts. 83 00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:44,891 Yes, and all my sex stuff. 84 00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:47,435 Okay, raise hand. 85 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:53,107 And all those in favor of it remaining the sovereign territory of Nandor 86 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:57,028 for his exclusive use as a home gymnasium, which only Nandor can use, 87 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,279 raise your hands. 88 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,238 - No. - It is settled. 89 00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,823 Two to one. Ha! 90 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,533 [snickers] Bad luck, Blackadder. 91 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,784 I demand a recount. 92 00:04:03,784 --> 00:04:05,536 Sorry, the people have spoken. 93 00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,163 Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor. 94 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:10,833 Hear me out. Nadja. A gym only I can use, 95 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:11,918 - hmm? - Fuck off. 96 00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,629 Laszlo, still thinking about it? 97 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,922 No, not even a little. 98 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,715 Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor. 99 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,009 [Nandor] What can I say? I lost. 100 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:23,095 Another time, I would just seize the territory, 101 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:27,266 but I grow weary of the fight. 102 00:04:27,266 --> 00:04:32,396 Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy to just hang up his spurs 103 00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:35,191 and go fuck himself right up the pooper. 104 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,110 - Okay, fine. - [scoffs] 105 00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:41,739 I shall clear out my StairMaster and booty bands by tomorrow. 106 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,491 [Nadja] Good. And also, give Laszlo his... 107 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:45,952 [Colin] This is not good. Not good at all. 108 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:50,206 Yeah, so I regularly use our network of vents 109 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,458 to gather intel on my housemates 110 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,961 and I've recently uncovered a troubling development. 111 00:04:57,546 --> 00:04:59,548 Well, it's finally happening. 112 00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,593 {\an8}I'm being forced out of the house. 113 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:06,806 Over the years, I've kept extensive records 114 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,809 detailing the power rankings within the house. 115 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,186 Who's hot, who's not. Who's chic, who's weak. 116 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:15,648 Who's fly, who's shy. Who's ballin', who's stallin'. 117 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,610 Up here, you have Nandor, then Nadja, then Laszlo. 118 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,822 And down here, Guillermo, until recently. 119 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:29,620 And over here, is your baby boy, Colin Robinson, who is going down. 120 00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:35,501 I've been able to hold on to my place in the house due to a delicate dance. 121 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:39,046 Not unlike Henry Kissinger's triangular diplomacy. 122 00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:42,466 Nadja and Laszlo represent one stalwart alliance. 123 00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:45,219 Nandor and Guillermo the other. 124 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:49,390 My lone wolf status afforded me a position of power. 125 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,558 A tiebreaker. 126 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:55,313 The Harold Prince to their Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber. 127 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,482 But the power dynamics have now shifted. 128 00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:02,570 Now that Guillermo has left the house, Nandor is a broken man. 129 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:05,406 And I fear it's just a matter of time before he goes over 130 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,908 to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good 131 00:06:07,908 --> 00:06:10,745 and they decide to kill me and quarter my body 132 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,956 to share as sick souvenirs amongst themselves. 133 00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:17,752 Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting. 134 00:06:19,795 --> 00:06:21,839 Come on. You know you want to. 135 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,717 - I'm not moving back into the house. - [Colin sighs] Fine. 136 00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:27,511 - But will you at least talk to Nandor? - I don't think me talking to him 137 00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:29,680 is gonna make a difference. He's not gonna listen to me. 138 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,515 - Well, you didn't let me finish. - Sorry. 139 00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:35,102 Uh, what I was saying before you cut me off and didn't let me finish was, 140 00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:37,563 - maybe if you were to talk to Nandor... - Mm-hmm. 141 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:41,025 ...I could walk by or something and he'd see me and he'd be like, 142 00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,234 "Oh, there's Colin Robinson. 143 00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,987 I should really form an alliance with him." 144 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,989 You know, to get out of having to talk to you. 145 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,115 Okay. Good night. 146 00:06:48,115 --> 00:06:49,658 - [machine buzzing] - I appreciate you 147 00:06:49,658 --> 00:06:51,702 playing my favorite song to cut the tension, 148 00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,038 but I don't think it's gonna help me solve this problem. 149 00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,373 Doesn't hurt though. 150 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,458 [humming] 151 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,171 Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor, don't talk to Nandor. 152 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,173 I don't care, all right? Just leave me out of it. 153 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,342 - Hypnotize him for all I care. - Oh. That's ridiculous. 154 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,386 Everyone knows you can't hypnotize a vampire. 155 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,553 They always have their guard up. 156 00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:12,306 Well, then hypnotize him when he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be. 157 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:17,228 Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 158 00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,105 [Guillermo] Can you do that somewhere else, please? 159 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,107 Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise. 160 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:24,110 Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two... 161 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,279 Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 162 00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:29,615 - I have to find out. - [Guillermo] Colin. Oh, my God. 163 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,201 [rattling] 164 00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:42,169 [creaking] 165 00:07:45,589 --> 00:07:49,969 Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit. 166 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:56,392 What's up? 167 00:07:56,392 --> 00:08:00,271 Hear me now and believe me later. 168 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,107 You are a fierce warrior. 169 00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:06,402 I am a fierce warrior. 170 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:09,363 You must stand your ground. 171 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,074 [Nandor] Stand my ground. 172 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:16,787 Your only ally is Colin Robinson. 173 00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:19,874 Are you sure? 174 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,252 Yes, you love Colin Robinson. 175 00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,630 That sounds wrong, but okay. 176 00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,757 All right. 177 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:39,185 {\an8}Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary? It's taking up a lot of room. 178 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,646 {\an8}Well, how else can I sit and review my stored items of science? 179 00:08:42,646 --> 00:08:45,149 Is that a box of pornography in front of you? 180 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,109 No, anatomical textbooks. 181 00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:50,696 The collective works of Doctors Flynt and Guccione. 182 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:54,700 - Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor? - Oh. He's probably oversleeping. 183 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:57,203 Without his home gym room, he has very little to live for. 184 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:02,958 Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna go for, uh, a walk. Just a normal walk. 185 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,335 [Nadja] Okay. 186 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,170 I know what you're going to do with that chair. 187 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,881 You're going to sit in it and stroke yourself, reading your filth. 188 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,965 [Laszlo] Perhaps I will. 189 00:09:09,965 --> 00:09:11,967 I'm sorry, my darling. Would you like a hand? 190 00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:14,678 - [Nadja] Yes, I'd actually love one. - [Laszlo] Well, take your pick. 191 00:09:14,678 --> 00:09:16,055 We've got a bunch of them. 192 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,396 Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m. Time to rise and... Oh! 193 00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:26,065 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 194 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:27,858 [sniffing] 195 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,987 Colin Robinson. 196 00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:36,116 [screaming in Al Quolanudarian] 197 00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:41,163 [Nadja] Some of them are just too long to fit in as one piece. 198 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,540 - [Laszlo] That's what my gran said. - [Nadja] Ugh. 199 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,166 I am back from my walk. 200 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,584 - Who fucking cares? - Give a fuck. 201 00:09:45,584 --> 00:09:48,504 I saw Nandor out in the hallway. He'll be in in a sec. 202 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,464 - [Nadja] Uh-huh. - [Nandor screaming] 203 00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:51,549 What the hell? 204 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,759 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 205 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,513 What the dick is he saying? 206 00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,474 Oh. Hold on. I have a translation app here. 207 00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:03,435 [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 208 00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:06,188 [woman] I have conquered officially the room from beneath the stairs 209 00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,107 - in the name of Al Quolanudar. - No one's conquered anything. 210 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,358 What the fuck is he talking about? 211 00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:13,153 And I could not have conquered the room from beneath the stairs 212 00:10:13,153 --> 00:10:16,740 without Colin Robinson, my primary ally within this fortress. 213 00:10:18,742 --> 00:10:21,412 We take what we wish, and defend it unto death. 214 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,871 - [kisses] - [Laszlo] Oh. 215 00:10:22,871 --> 00:10:24,707 You heard what he said, ding-dongs. 216 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,208 This is our house now, and if you don't like it, 217 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,668 you can eat my ass. 218 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,170 [Nandor cackling, speaking Al Quolanudarian] 219 00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:32,214 [woman] Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass. 220 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:33,465 {\an8}It is plain to see, 221 00:10:33,465 --> 00:10:36,302 {\an8}something very strange is going on with Nandor. 222 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,386 [Nandor screaming] 223 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,930 [Nadja] He's being competent and assertive. 224 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:42,308 Much different to the soaking-wet simp we are used to. 225 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:45,185 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 226 00:10:45,185 --> 00:10:48,647 I'm not gonna stand around while these two tits bugger about. 227 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:51,358 I do important science in there three times a day. 228 00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:54,153 - Nandor, get the fuck out of there. - [woman] No, thank you. 229 00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,864 - You heard the lady. Fuck off. - Wow. 230 00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,366 - Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in. -"Shasay" away. 231 00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:02,119 No, no, no. We're facing a bit of a contretemps. We need your help. 232 00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:05,122 - Why don't you just all share the room? - My husband needs it for his body parts! 233 00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,790 We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot. 234 00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:08,792 - [Colin] Quiet. - [speaking Al Quolanudarian] 235 00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:12,212 [woman] I have a fair and equitable solution to propose. 236 00:11:12,212 --> 00:11:13,297 Okay, then. 237 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:14,965 Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears. 238 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,550 Mmm. 239 00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:19,845 Yeah. So he set the house on fire. 240 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,140 Turns out his equitable solution was, 241 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,477 "if I can't have Guillermo's room, then no one can have it." 242 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,812 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 243 00:11:29,813 --> 00:11:30,814 Or something like that. 244 00:11:30,814 --> 00:11:34,526 It's hard to tell because he also set my phone on fire. 245 00:11:34,526 --> 00:11:36,737 [sirens wailing] 246 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,364 Boy, did we mess up. 247 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:41,408 We? No, there's no "we." This is all you. 248 00:11:41,408 --> 00:11:43,827 Who convinced me to sleep-hypnotize him? You. 249 00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,120 What? I didn't do... Oh. 250 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,415 - Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe. - [groaning] 251 00:11:48,415 --> 00:11:51,543 Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him to go back to the way that he was before? 252 00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:53,712 Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted. 253 00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:55,756 - Well, then get a new phone. - [Colin] Oh, my God. 254 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:56,924 [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] 255 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,301 - [Guillermo] That's not good. - [Colin] I would get a new phone, 256 00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:02,721 but I kind of wanna wait until the new one's released next year. 257 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:06,141 I mean, there's nothing worse than updating your devices in the off-cycle. 258 00:12:06,141 --> 00:12:08,769 Apple seems to be on an autumn release time frame. 259 00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:10,521 Okay. You know what? Okay. How about this? 260 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,232 We use my translation app. And then after that, I'm out. 261 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:18,487 Okay. Type in, "You will return to yourself as you were before." 262 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,572 [beeps, speaking Al Quolanudarian] 263 00:12:20,572 --> 00:12:21,657 - Great. - Okay. 264 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,158 [Guillermo] That should get him back to normal. 265 00:12:23,158 --> 00:12:25,619 [Colin] Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on. 266 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:28,706 [Guillermo] And after this, no more sleep hypnosis! 267 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,708 [Colin] Let's hit the hay, buddy. 268 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,960 Sleep hypnosis? 269 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,129 Is such a thing even possible? 270 00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:46,306 When you awake, you will be much tidier. 271 00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:47,391 Tidier. 272 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,643 Neater and cleaner. 273 00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:53,147 You will not be able to tolerate a single mess. 274 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,315 Neater. Tidier. 275 00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:57,025 Everything in its right place. 276 00:12:57,025 --> 00:12:58,652 I love you, Mommy. 277 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:01,655 Oh. 278 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,126 Whoa. 279 00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:17,588 Very good, my love. 280 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,048 Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else. 281 00:13:20,048 --> 00:13:24,094 You know, they don't live as long, the-the bigger dogs. 282 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,473 - [Nadja] Oh. - Hey, man. I was reading that. 283 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,725 Well. Not now, you're not. I'll have to iron it now. 284 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,436 What is your major malfunction? 285 00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,563 FMJ, 1987. 286 00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:36,148 - Bloody savage. - Sheesh. 287 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,692 We shall never be belligerent. 288 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:42,112 But we shall be as firm in defending our system 289 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,865 as they are in expanding theirs. 290 00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:47,868 I think we can all agree that is very well-spoken. 291 00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,995 That sounds kind of like a threat to me. 292 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:53,665 This is not a threat, this is a statement of policy. 293 00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:55,042 But we are done arguing 294 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,711 over the shitty little room under the stairs, correct? 295 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,129 I have never been a quitter. 296 00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,589 [imitating Nixon] "But as president, 297 00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:03,509 I must put the interests of America first." 298 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,302 What the fuck is he talking about? 299 00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:08,055 [continues as Nixon] "Nobody will ever write a book, 300 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:11,600 probably about my mother." 301 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:16,230 So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor again last night. 302 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,898 Just to get him back to normal. 303 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,858 I will return to myself... 304 00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,110 [Colin] And while I was messing around in there, 305 00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,822 I thought, why not improve on the original? 306 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:28,242 - Basically, just like this guy. - This guy. 307 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:32,246 Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik. 308 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,873 Nobody will ever write a book, probably about my mother. 309 00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:37,125 [Colin] But, yeah, I think I may have 310 00:14:37,125 --> 00:14:40,003 sleep-hypnotized Nandor into Richard Nixon. 311 00:14:40,003 --> 00:14:45,759 For 16 years, since the Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun. A lot of fun. 312 00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,136 You've had an opportunity to attack me. 313 00:14:48,136 --> 00:14:51,223 And I'd like to think I've given as good as I've taken. 314 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,308 - Colin Robinson. - Hmm? 315 00:14:53,308 --> 00:14:55,727 Have you done something to Nandor's brain somehow? 316 00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:58,230 No. No, I don't think I did. 317 00:14:59,439 --> 00:15:01,191 - [Nandor as Nixon] Hmm. - Nandor, listen to me. 318 00:15:01,316 --> 00:15:04,069 Has Colin Robinson done something to your head? 319 00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,780 [Nandor as Nixon grunts] 320 00:15:07,614 --> 00:15:11,201 People have got to know whether their president is a crook. 321 00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,579 Well, I'm not a crook. [grunts] 322 00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:20,961 No, no, don't come in. 323 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,088 Whatever it is, I don't care. 324 00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:25,632 - [sighs, groans] - [grunting] 325 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,470 - Are you okay? - [continues grunting] 326 00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,639 - Do you wanna talk about it? Come on. - [grunting] 327 00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,392 - Okay. What is it? - [clears throat] 328 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,855 -"You know what it was." - What? 329 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:45,444 "It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog in a crate he sent all the way from Texas. 330 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,904 Black and white, spotted. 331 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:52,868 And our little one, Trisha, the six-year-old. She named it Checkers." 332 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,495 Wait, isn't this, like, a Richard Nixon speech? 333 00:15:55,495 --> 00:15:59,082 "Our kids, they love that dog, and I just want to say this. 334 00:15:59,082 --> 00:16:04,296 Right now, regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it." 335 00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:07,090 Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you 336 00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:09,676 so you're only able to speak like Richard Nixon? 337 00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:12,846 I will not put the blame on subordinates. 338 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,097 I'll take that as a yes. 339 00:16:14,097 --> 00:16:16,308 Would you like me to help undo it? 340 00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:19,478 Sock it to me. 341 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:23,565 And you'll go back to the Nandor from before. 342 00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,610 Just a regular vampire. 343 00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,236 What is this? 344 00:16:28,236 --> 00:16:31,406 Sleep hypnosis? Is such a thing even possible. 345 00:16:32,115 --> 00:16:33,200 Your camera's filthy. 346 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,541 Packages. I hope it's my electric kettle. 347 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,211 No. Here we go. 348 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,048 No. It's, uh, all addressed to Laszlo Cravensworth. 349 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:48,966 It's weird. 350 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,009 I wonder how he even figured out how to use Prime. 351 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,805 - [Laszlo chuckles] - [Guillermo] What, uh... 352 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:55,973 Ah. 353 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,224 What's going on here? 354 00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:01,478 My parcels from the Amazon. Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson. 355 00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,689 Lord Laszlo's wish is my command. 356 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,066 [all] All hail Lord Laszlo. 357 00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:08,360 [Laszlo] Solvents and sponges for everyone. 358 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,821 {\an8}[Guillermo] May I just say you look fabulous, Baron. 359 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,905 Flatterer. 360 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,783 You know, but it turns out that these little scallywags 361 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,035 do more than just keep me young in spirit. 362 00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:20,247 They also secrete a wonderful healing cream. 363 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,499 Look, I'm almost back to normal. 364 00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:26,044 The Sire extracts milk from them every evening. 365 00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:30,465 So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible? 366 00:17:30,465 --> 00:17:31,633 Apparently, yes. 367 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,679 I kid you. Everybody knows about sleep hypnosis. 368 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:38,098 Do you think you could hypnotize them back? 369 00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:42,019 Can I, the supreme all-powerful vampire, hypnotize them? 370 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:44,688 - Obviously. - Okay. 371 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,940 Why don't you hand me your very smart telephone 372 00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:49,526 and I can record my hypnosis. You can play it for them later. 373 00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:55,157 But do not listen lest you become hypnotized yourself. 374 00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,201 How about noise canceling? 375 00:17:58,201 --> 00:18:00,620 Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if you put on your ear buddy phones. 376 00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:01,705 Okay. 377 00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:03,707 [beeps] 378 00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:09,504 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 379 00:18:09,504 --> 00:18:12,632 Let me listen to that back. I always sound so nasally in these things. 380 00:18:12,632 --> 00:18:13,842 Okay. 381 00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:19,056 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 382 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,183 - You like it? Yeah, okay. Great. - Yeah. 383 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:22,893 Okay. So now I will do the recording. 384 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,352 - Oh. Okay. - [clears throat] 385 00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:30,358 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 386 00:18:30,358 --> 00:18:33,528 Okay. Let me listen to that back. I always sound so nasally in these things. 387 00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:34,780 Uh-huh. 388 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:40,660 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 389 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:42,996 - Great. I'll just take the phone back. - Not-Not so fast. 390 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,915 I still need to do the recording. 391 00:18:45,665 --> 00:18:46,917 Oh. I see what's going on here. 392 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,212 [mouthing, shushing] Be quiet. 393 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,338 [door creaking] 394 00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,340 Come on. 395 00:18:55,717 --> 00:19:00,055 [The Baron] Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 396 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:05,352 Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known. 397 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:06,895 [snoring] 398 00:19:10,273 --> 00:19:11,274 [lock clicks] 399 00:19:11,274 --> 00:19:12,359 [creaks] 400 00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:13,985 - [Guillermo grunts] - [Laszlo] Hmm. 401 00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:16,613 - Good. You guys are finally up. - Up with the lark. 402 00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:20,367 [sighs] That was the best sleep I've had in ages. 403 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,910 Indeed, good sir. 404 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:25,497 Nandor the Relentless, by the way. I don't believe I caught your name. 405 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:29,626 Leslie Cravensworth. You may call me Mister Cravensworth. 406 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:31,503 [Nandor] Mister Cravensworth. 407 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,131 - And who's that? - I have no idea. 408 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,550 So, it seems that, uh, The Baron's hypnosis 409 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,635 not only made them forget about their hypnoses... 410 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:39,928 Relentless, you say? 411 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,055 - Yes. - Must be my lucky day. 412 00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:44,891 ...but it also made them forget that they had ever met each other 413 00:19:44,891 --> 00:19:46,268 because, of course it did. 414 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,479 [Nadja speaking Greek] Nadja of Antipaxos. 415 00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:50,522 [Laszlo] Mmm. 416 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:54,109 - [in English] Nice to meet you. Nadja. - I say. Hello. 417 00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:58,363 Hello. I'm Colin Robinson. Who-Who are you, boners? 418 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,323 I say. Hello. 419 00:20:00,323 --> 00:20:03,660 Yeah, I think I'm gonna like living here just fine. 420 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,746 Apart from the fact that I'm disoriented, slightly afraid 421 00:20:06,746 --> 00:20:08,790 and don't know who you are. 422 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,625 [Colin] Nice little nest we've got here, huh? 423 00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:13,503 Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier. 424 00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:15,672 - Surely could hold a sex net. - Sex net. 425 00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:16,882 [both chuckling] 426 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,675 Check out this little space back here. 427 00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:23,471 Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space. Perfect for a place to hang out. 428 00:20:23,471 --> 00:20:25,807 - [Colin] Now we're talking. - I was thinking the same thing. 429 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,436 I mean, it's a bit small. It would only really be good for a solo pursuit. 430 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:34,733 If I may be so bold, I think I would like to set up shop here if that is okay. 431 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,443 Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold 432 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,654 because I myself was hoping to set up shop just here, so... 433 00:20:39,654 --> 00:20:42,616 Well, if I might be bolder still. I'd like to wank there. 434 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,702 See, I was thinking of just having an area that I could stand in. 435 00:20:46,369 --> 00:20:47,495 Well. 436 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,289 [Laszlo clears throat] 437 00:20:52,083 --> 00:20:53,210 [hissing] 438 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,589 So who the fuck is gonna get that space under the stairs? 439 00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,382 - Me. I am. - I guess you do your wanking... 440 00:20:59,382 --> 00:21:01,092 [Nadja] I should have a safe space. 441 00:21:01,092 --> 00:21:03,386 [chuckling] Hello, everyone. Knock, knock, knock, knock. 442 00:21:03,386 --> 00:21:04,763 I need to tell you something. 443 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,225 I just want to say sorry that I haven't been around lately. 444 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:12,729 But I have been working closely with your old roommate Jerry the Vampire 445 00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:16,733 on his big, fantastic plan to conquer all of North America. 446 00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:18,401 - Who? - Come on. 447 00:21:18,401 --> 00:21:21,071 You know Jerry the Vampire, your old roommate. 448 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:24,741 Super slumber guy, tall. He's got a round face. 449 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:29,704 I don't know who is who or what is what. But I am loving this ditzy blonde. 450 00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:34,417 - Sleep hypnosis. - Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you. 451 00:21:34,417 --> 00:21:36,795 [The Guide] Oh, yes. Sleep hypnosis is a very real thing. 452 00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:40,382 I learned that my first week of Vampire Council sleepaway camp. 453 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,509 Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine. 454 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,719 Enchanted. Have we met before? 455 00:21:44,719 --> 00:21:47,681 If we had, I'm sure I would have remembered. 456 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,349 - [kisses] - [The Guide] Anyway, 457 00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,518 it is quite easy to undo. 458 00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:56,106 [whispering] You have never been sleep hypnotized. 459 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:59,985 Neither of you have ever been sleep hypnotized. 460 00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,987 Never, ever. Hush, little baby. 461 00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,364 Done. Done. Done. 462 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:13,039 [yawning] I just had the strangest dream. 463 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,750 You were there, Laszlo. And you were there, Nandor. 464 00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:17,335 But we didn't know each other. 465 00:22:18,044 --> 00:22:19,296 - Oh. Was I there? - No. 466 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:23,758 Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking for a while and just let myself in. 467 00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:25,802 Guillermo de La Cruz. 468 00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,470 - We know. - No shit, Geronimo. 469 00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:31,891 Oh, good. You saw my resume. I'm here for an interview with Nandor. 470 00:22:31,891 --> 00:22:34,019 I saw the ad on Craigslist. 471 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:37,272 Half-bed, no bath, light housework required. 472 00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:38,898 I think I can handle that. [chuckles] 473 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:45,322 So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen to podcasts while he falls asleep. 474 00:22:45,905 --> 00:22:51,202 Unfortunately for him, he must've listened to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop, 475 00:22:51,202 --> 00:22:52,954 over and over again, 476 00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:57,500 instead of his usual Real Housewives from bumfuck wherever recap. 477 00:22:58,376 --> 00:22:59,919 Oh. 478 00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:02,714 - Guillermo, is it? - Yes. 479 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:03,798 Nice to meet you. 480 00:23:05,633 --> 00:23:07,510 I am Nandor. Shall we? 481 00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,220 - Hi. - [Nadja] Good luck. 482 00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:15,518 And at Panera Bread, I was responsible for closing and opening of the shop. 483 00:23:15,518 --> 00:23:17,729 - Impressive. - Thank you. [chuckles] 484 00:23:18,646 --> 00:23:20,565 I was wondering if I could ask you something. 485 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:21,649 Sure. 486 00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:23,860 You guys are... 487 00:23:27,155 --> 00:23:28,531 - You know. - What? 488 00:23:28,531 --> 00:23:32,118 You guys are vampires, right? 489 00:23:33,536 --> 00:23:34,537 Yes. 490 00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:39,334 I knew it. That is so awesome. I had a feeling. Just... 491 00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,419 I didn't even see your fangs until now. 492 00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:42,879 That is so cool. 493 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:45,173 I know you couldn't put that in the ad, obviously. 494 00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,716 - Well, yeah. - I was just... I... 495 00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,718 I've always fantasized about being one. 496 00:23:48,718 --> 00:23:50,720 - A vampire, that is. - Mmm. 497 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,640 When I was little, I begged my mom for a cape. 498 00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:57,644 She didn't have the money for it, but somehow she found a way of making one. 499 00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:01,189 And I put that cape on, and I just fantasized about what it would be like 500 00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:03,525 to fly all over the world. 501 00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:06,778 No one picking on you. Live forever. 502 00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:10,824 I was a pretty shy kid, so I didn't have a lot of friends. 503 00:24:11,741 --> 00:24:13,868 I'm sure you can understand that. 504 00:24:14,577 --> 00:24:16,538 Not really. I was rich and a jock. 505 00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,206 Yeah. That makes sense. 506 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:22,710 But I can imagine. It must have been very, um, hard. 507 00:24:22,710 --> 00:24:24,504 [Guillermo chuckling] It's okay. 508 00:24:24,504 --> 00:24:29,926 I don't wanna jump the gun here, but I would love to be your familiar. 509 00:24:30,718 --> 00:24:32,262 - But I do wanna ask. - Mmm. 510 00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,721 If I... 511 00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:36,933 Or your familiar-- Whoever you choose. It's your choice... 512 00:24:36,933 --> 00:24:38,059 Sure. 513 00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,644 - ...did a really great job... - Mmm. 514 00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,646 ...and did everything you ever asked of them, 515 00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:44,190 - would you ever-- - Make you a vampire? 516 00:24:46,609 --> 00:24:47,610 Yes. 517 00:24:47,610 --> 00:24:50,613 I must confess, I am a little tempted 518 00:24:50,613 --> 00:24:54,993 to keep Guillermo as he was the very first time he came to me. 519 00:24:54,993 --> 00:24:58,037 I will dehypnotize him later tonight. 520 00:24:58,037 --> 00:25:01,916 But, for now, I will let him have one last sleep 521 00:25:01,916 --> 00:25:04,294 in his little room under the stairs. 522 00:25:04,919 --> 00:25:06,296 [heavily breathing] 523 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,843 I forgot how loudly he breathes. 524 00:25:26,649 --> 00:25:29,903 So in the end, we figured out the best solution. 525 00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:31,696 Share the room. 526 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,949 - [both] Share the room. - Share the room. 527 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:37,869 [Nadja groans] 528 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,246 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 529 00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,749 ♪ I can't eat ♪ 530 00:25:42,749 --> 00:25:46,920 ♪ I can't sleep at night ♪ 531 00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:52,133 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 532 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:57,138 ♪ You're doing very strange things to my brain ♪ 533 00:26:00,391 --> 00:26:03,937 ♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪ 534 00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:08,525 ♪ And I wonder if I'll ever be the same ♪ 535 00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:16,324 {\an8}♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪