1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,924 Hello. 2 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,508 Hi. 3 00:00:10,509 --> 00:00:11,594 - Hello. - Hey. 4 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,389 What is this shit? 5 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,474 Oh-- Uh, Hold there, please. 6 00:00:18,475 --> 00:00:20,893 - But I am going home. - It's just gonna be for a few seconds. 7 00:00:20,894 --> 00:00:22,603 We're just in the middle of shooting something. 8 00:00:22,604 --> 00:00:24,939 Very cool. What are we shooting? 9 00:00:24,940 --> 00:00:27,233 - Dogs? Criminals? - Cut. 10 00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:29,819 - I'm not allowed to say, but what-- - Adam, we're cutting. 11 00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:31,988 Cut! Brad, can you go to two? 12 00:00:31,989 --> 00:00:33,281 Who is Brad? 13 00:00:33,282 --> 00:00:34,866 Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay. 14 00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:37,785 10'1"! What a tall fellow this Brad is. 15 00:00:37,786 --> 00:00:39,912 Copy. All right, we're moving to the dolly shot! 16 00:00:39,913 --> 00:00:42,790 Dolly? Nadja would be devastated if her dolly was shot. 17 00:00:42,791 --> 00:00:43,916 No, I must intervene. 18 00:00:43,917 --> 00:00:45,878 No. We're going again. 19 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,674 Shit, shit, shit. Shitty, shitty, shit. 20 00:00:51,675 --> 00:00:54,302 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we are under attack. 21 00:00:54,303 --> 00:00:56,763 A militia has assembled on our territory. 22 00:00:56,764 --> 00:00:57,847 - I know! - It's not a militia. 23 00:00:57,848 --> 00:00:59,640 They're just filming a TV show. 24 00:00:59,641 --> 00:01:01,684 Well, this TV show has invaded our territory. 25 00:01:01,685 --> 00:01:06,022 They are attacking us with their trucks and their lights and their gigantic Brads. 26 00:01:06,023 --> 00:01:08,274 Nandor thinks everything is a war. 27 00:01:08,275 --> 00:01:09,609 Yet this time, 28 00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:11,527 he's absolutely right. 29 00:01:11,528 --> 00:01:14,489 It's called PI Undercover: New York. 30 00:01:14,490 --> 00:01:16,699 It's a police procedural in its fourth season. 31 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:20,703 "Detective Jack Mancuso is brought to life with deft sensitivity 32 00:01:20,704 --> 00:01:22,455 by a never-better Cal Bodian." 33 00:01:22,456 --> 00:01:26,000 "Brought to life"? Who is this man? Some kind of necromancer? 34 00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,585 No. Worse. He's an actor. 35 00:01:27,586 --> 00:01:28,669 Shit. 36 00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,213 Now, wading down into the comments. 37 00:01:30,214 --> 00:01:33,966 "Winsomely compelling copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at-- 38 00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,051 Oh, wait. That was me. 39 00:01:35,052 --> 00:01:36,344 Drivel for the unwashed. 40 00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:38,430 The Bard, how he weeps. 41 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:41,349 - What the blazes? - Fucking... 42 00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:43,518 Why is there a fucking truck 43 00:01:43,519 --> 00:01:45,812 - in our garden? - Entering the property. 44 00:01:45,813 --> 00:01:47,522 There's an enemy at the gate. Hold the line. 45 00:01:47,523 --> 00:01:49,273 - Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry. - You good? 46 00:01:49,274 --> 00:01:50,358 Yeah. I'm with the owners. 47 00:01:50,359 --> 00:01:52,568 Yeah, same location. Don't worry, insurance is gonna cover all this. 48 00:01:52,569 --> 00:01:53,986 We should disembowel this guy. 49 00:01:53,987 --> 00:01:55,655 - Let's fucking kill him. - Quiet on set. 50 00:01:55,656 --> 00:01:56,781 - We're rolling. - Sorry. 51 00:01:56,782 --> 00:01:58,493 - Sorry. - Sorry! 52 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:03,121 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 53 00:02:03,122 --> 00:02:05,625 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 54 00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:09,001 {\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 55 00:02:09,002 --> 00:02:11,214 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 56 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 57 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:18,553 {\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪ 58 00:02:18,554 --> 00:02:21,389 {\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 59 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,560 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 60 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:37,113 Not bad. Not bad at all, ya stud. 61 00:02:37,114 --> 00:02:40,199 What are you up to, you creamy snake? 62 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,035 {\an8}All dressed up like a bowl of millet. 63 00:02:43,036 --> 00:02:47,039 {\an8}I am getting ready to go to a friend's house for a dinner party, 64 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,374 {\an8}thank you very much. 65 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:49,709 {\an8}You don't have any friends. 66 00:02:49,710 --> 00:02:50,960 Uh, yeah, I do. 67 00:02:50,961 --> 00:02:53,629 I've got the Monster and my boy, Joel. 68 00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:56,716 Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel? 69 00:02:56,717 --> 00:02:58,134 I'm always talking about Joel. 70 00:02:58,135 --> 00:03:01,179 We used to work together a few years ago in the same office. 71 00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,346 Pushing paper around, 72 00:03:02,347 --> 00:03:04,265 - generally getting after it. - Hmm. 73 00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:07,018 Yeah, I love Joel. Could never bring myself to drain the guy. 74 00:03:07,019 --> 00:03:09,395 So why have we never heard about him? 75 00:03:09,396 --> 00:03:12,481 Well, he and I drifted apart a few years ago 76 00:03:12,482 --> 00:03:14,567 when he, uh, married Becky. 77 00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:17,195 He has a very nice, pinched face. 78 00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,447 Anyway, he called me up last week and was like, 79 00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:21,908 "Hey, bruh. Wanna come over for some grub, bruh?" 80 00:03:21,909 --> 00:03:23,993 And I was like, "Sure, bruh. What time, bruh?" 81 00:03:23,994 --> 00:03:26,370 And he was like, "Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh." 82 00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:28,581 - Could I come with you? - Um-- 83 00:03:28,582 --> 00:03:29,665 Why am I doing this? 84 00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:32,793 {\an8}Ever since I have been working up the career ladder at Cannon Capital, 85 00:03:32,794 --> 00:03:36,923 I have been absolutely loving my deliciously mild human interactions. 86 00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:40,593 And I really want the chance to, you know, practice my human small talk. 87 00:03:40,594 --> 00:03:43,596 "Oh, hey, hon. Love that top. Where is it from? 88 00:03:43,597 --> 00:03:46,349 Online? Great. I love online. 89 00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:49,894 My allergies are bonkers today. Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing. 90 00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:52,855 I think I'm gonna go low-key for my birthday this year." 91 00:03:52,856 --> 00:03:57,068 Or, "I did the Harris Potter quiz, and I got Slytherin. Aw." 92 00:03:57,069 --> 00:04:01,572 You know, I'm trying really hard to get back to normal with Joel. 93 00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:05,284 And I worry if I showed up with a nightmare 94 00:04:05,285 --> 00:04:09,997 in a Civil War ghost's dress, it might freak him the fuck out. 95 00:04:09,998 --> 00:04:13,501 I think it would make you look like Mr. Bigs from the Sexy City show 96 00:04:13,502 --> 00:04:15,336 to have such a mouse woman on your arm. 97 00:04:15,337 --> 00:04:16,712 Squeak, squeak. 98 00:04:16,713 --> 00:04:18,172 Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure. 99 00:04:18,173 --> 00:04:19,425 Yay. 100 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:22,677 - Gizmo! - Guillermo. 101 00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:24,887 - Wake up, you little prick. - Come on. Get the fuck up. 102 00:04:24,888 --> 00:04:27,098 - What? What? Why? What? - Invaders have just rammed a hole 103 00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:29,392 - in our garden wall. - Sorry, I must've fallen asleep. 104 00:04:29,393 --> 00:04:32,270 You need to get up. We need weapons, not this fancy-ass shit. 105 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,188 We are about to launch a counteroffensive. 106 00:04:34,189 --> 00:04:36,148 We need sickles and scythes and weaponry. 107 00:04:36,149 --> 00:04:38,776 No. Whatever this is, it sounds like a bad idea. Don't do it. 108 00:04:38,777 --> 00:04:41,112 We're being invaded. We will not go empty-handed. 109 00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:45,992 We are about to conquer a production known as PI Undercover: New York. 110 00:04:45,993 --> 00:04:47,535 - What? Are you serious? - Oh, yes. 111 00:04:47,536 --> 00:04:48,619 - Right now? - Yes. 112 00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:50,413 - Are they... Move! - Wait! 113 00:04:50,414 --> 00:04:52,290 - Guillermo! Guillermo, wait! - Where? Where? 114 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,458 Guillermo, you cannot take them on single-handedly. 115 00:04:54,459 --> 00:04:58,045 No. Don't ruin this for me, okay? That is my favorite show ever. 116 00:04:58,046 --> 00:05:00,172 {\an8}PIUNY. 117 00:05:00,173 --> 00:05:04,218 {\an8}It's the perfect cozy, rainy-day show. 118 00:05:04,219 --> 00:05:05,761 But it's so much more than that. 119 00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:07,430 PI Undercover: New York is, like, 120 00:05:07,431 --> 00:05:09,598 the crown jewel of the PI Undercover extended universe. 121 00:05:09,599 --> 00:05:12,226 I mean, I love the original PI Undercover and PI Undercover: London, 122 00:05:12,227 --> 00:05:15,146 but PIUNY, ah, just hits different. 123 00:05:15,147 --> 00:05:16,897 I mean, I've seen every episode, like, 12 times. 124 00:05:16,898 --> 00:05:19,400 Essentially, it's a meditation on grief because... 125 00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:20,484 It's fantastic. 126 00:05:20,485 --> 00:05:25,614 In fact, last summer I cosplayed as Jack Mancuso at the Philadelphia Comic Con. 127 00:05:25,615 --> 00:05:28,326 All the subreddit haters were, like, so jelly. 128 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,910 Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit. 129 00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:32,998 Do you think Cal Bodian's over there? Do you think he'll sign my zine? 130 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:37,962 My PI Undercover fanzine. I've done everything myself. 131 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,631 I just took a guess about the chest hair. 132 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:45,386 - He wants a Cambodian to sign his what? - Mmm. 133 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,015 Now, fair warning. 134 00:05:51,016 --> 00:05:55,019 The stuff Joel and I used to talk about was not necessarily family-friendly, so-- 135 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,312 Like what? 136 00:05:56,313 --> 00:05:58,939 - Eh. Just guy stuff. - Like what? 137 00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,524 - Don't worry about it. - Tell me. 138 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,695 - I'll tell you later. - No, tell me now. 139 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,490 - Boobs. - Hmm. 140 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,116 They're here! 141 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:08,866 Hey! 142 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:10,326 There he is. 143 00:06:10,327 --> 00:06:11,744 - What's up? What's up? - Oh, my G-- What's up? 144 00:06:11,745 --> 00:06:13,414 This is... Look at him. 145 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,082 - The prodigal cubicle-mate returns. - Hey! 146 00:06:16,083 --> 00:06:17,541 - Hi. - Hello. 147 00:06:17,542 --> 00:06:19,126 Thank you so much for coming. 148 00:06:19,127 --> 00:06:21,921 This is Nadja, my girlfriend. 149 00:06:21,922 --> 00:06:24,590 I have heard so much about you, and wow. 150 00:06:24,591 --> 00:06:26,801 Your top is so lovely and warm. 151 00:06:26,802 --> 00:06:29,136 Reminds me of, um, PSL season. 152 00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:31,347 Pumpkin spice latte. I love those. 153 00:06:31,348 --> 00:06:33,434 I never know if people are on-- on drugs. 154 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,937 - What-- What is all this? - Oh, uh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber. 155 00:06:37,938 --> 00:06:39,855 Huge, uh, YouTuber. 156 00:06:39,856 --> 00:06:43,275 Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking" and you'll find my channel. 157 00:06:43,276 --> 00:06:47,196 - She films everything, you know? Mostly-- - Hello. Welcome. 158 00:06:47,197 --> 00:06:48,656 - Oh. - This is Becky. 159 00:06:48,657 --> 00:06:51,951 - What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky. - Hello, Colin. How are you? 160 00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:54,870 I'm well. How are you? Uh, this is Nadja, my girlfriend. 161 00:06:54,871 --> 00:06:55,996 Nice to pleasure. 162 00:06:55,997 --> 00:07:00,084 Girlfriend. It's-- It's lovely to meet you. 163 00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:02,294 I'm gonna go check on the salmon. 164 00:07:02,295 --> 00:07:06,632 I hope by salmon you mean wine. 'Cau... I'm a woman. I love wine. 165 00:07:06,633 --> 00:07:08,175 No, I meant fish. 166 00:07:08,176 --> 00:07:10,886 Well, ladies to the kitchen, men to the conversation. 167 00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:12,347 You go do it, girlfriend. 168 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:16,183 Listen, I know you said no gifts, but, uh, there you go. 169 00:07:16,184 --> 00:07:19,603 This is totally unnecessary. But I ain't mad at it. 170 00:07:19,604 --> 00:07:21,897 I'm surprised you actually had time to have us over 171 00:07:21,898 --> 00:07:23,899 with the season starting soon 172 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,527 and pitchers and catchers reporting in, like, 11 days. 173 00:07:26,528 --> 00:07:27,653 Go Mets, right? 174 00:07:27,654 --> 00:07:30,030 You know what? I'm not even really feeling baseball anymore. 175 00:07:30,031 --> 00:07:31,576 Those fucking rule changes. 176 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,702 - It's a Mike Piazza baseball card. - Yeah, I didn't know. 177 00:07:34,703 --> 00:07:36,579 - Is it signed? - It is. 178 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:40,583 {\an8}So, I spent the last two weeks binge-watching every Mets game 179 00:07:40,584 --> 00:07:41,917 {\an8}from the past seven years. 180 00:07:41,918 --> 00:07:44,920 Baseball is extremely slow, even for me. 181 00:07:44,921 --> 00:07:47,298 That's a lot of time I'm not gonna get back. 182 00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:50,134 So, baseball's out. What are you into now? 183 00:07:50,135 --> 00:07:53,554 - We watch Top Chef. - Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too. 184 00:07:53,555 --> 00:07:54,847 - Cool. - Where's your bathroom? 185 00:07:54,848 --> 00:07:57,808 I need to do a... a number three. 186 00:07:57,809 --> 00:08:00,060 - What? - Ayo. 187 00:08:00,061 --> 00:08:01,812 I don't un... What's a three? 188 00:08:01,813 --> 00:08:04,273 - Remember on our days in the office? - Yeah. 189 00:08:04,274 --> 00:08:07,860 We would go down to the third floor to do our big smelly poos. 190 00:08:07,861 --> 00:08:10,529 - I think I kinda remember that. - Where's your bathroom? 191 00:08:10,530 --> 00:08:11,655 - It's upstairs. - Okay. 192 00:08:11,656 --> 00:08:13,324 - So nice. - Thank you. 193 00:08:13,325 --> 00:08:17,330 - A little kiss for my "banooney." - And one for me, my banana. 194 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,043 Act normal. 195 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,545 Your taste is just... 196 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,213 Thank you. I just like solid colors. 197 00:08:27,214 --> 00:08:29,216 Hmm. Maroon. 198 00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:31,967 Traveling to base camp. You over at video village? 199 00:08:31,968 --> 00:08:35,179 - Let us storm their base camp. - And lay waste to their video village. 200 00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:38,057 - Last looks. - Indeed they are. 201 00:08:38,058 --> 00:08:41,393 - Et tu, Seanie? - Hey, fellas. 202 00:08:41,394 --> 00:08:44,146 - What the shit? - I rent my bathroom out to the crew. 203 00:08:44,147 --> 00:08:47,608 - He has succumbed to the King's shilling. - Oh, come on. I do this all the time. 204 00:08:47,609 --> 00:08:50,861 You know how many movies have wanted to rent my little potty? 205 00:08:50,862 --> 00:08:53,739 We have lost our greatest ally to the other side. Let's go. 206 00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:56,742 Think about all the legendary piss that's flowing through those pipes. 207 00:08:56,743 --> 00:08:58,077 Diane Keaton's piss. 208 00:08:58,078 --> 00:08:59,620 Jim Carrey's piss! 209 00:08:59,621 --> 00:09:01,747 Mike Barbooglio's piss! 210 00:09:01,748 --> 00:09:04,917 The salmon smells amazing, Becky! 211 00:09:04,918 --> 00:09:11,508 I hope it's as good as Tiffani Faison's monkfish from Top Chef season one. 212 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:16,595 Please let me help with, um, the touching and the boiling. 213 00:09:16,596 --> 00:09:19,890 No. No, you're fine. Just relax. Tell me, how-- how did you and Colin meet? 214 00:09:19,891 --> 00:09:21,475 Oh, yes. Uh-- 215 00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:24,311 Let us gossip like two little brain-dead bitches. 216 00:09:24,312 --> 00:09:26,566 Does, um, Colin ever talk about me? 217 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,649 - No. That was stupid. - You know men. 218 00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:32,403 They don't talk about anything other than, "Ouch, my balls." 219 00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:34,657 - Yeah. Except Colin's not like that. - Scrotum. It's-- 220 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,576 Oh. Yes. Sorry? 221 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:41,579 Colin's not like that. Colin has never been like that. 222 00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:42,830 Right. Okay. 223 00:09:42,831 --> 00:09:45,457 Colin's not like other men. He's really sensitive. 224 00:09:45,458 --> 00:09:47,918 And that is why he is my soft-boiled egg. 225 00:09:47,919 --> 00:09:49,839 I'm very happy for you both. 226 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,922 Sorry. I... 227 00:09:51,923 --> 00:09:54,675 I don't wanna see Colin get hurt, you know? 228 00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:57,344 He's an incredible person. 229 00:09:57,345 --> 00:10:00,431 I have used my brilliant powers of deduction 230 00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:06,103 to detect that Becky is rock-hard in love with Colin Robinson, 231 00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:08,772 much like Carrie loved Aidan in the Sexy City show, 232 00:10:08,773 --> 00:10:11,402 which I have watched every episode of. 233 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,778 Looks like you two ladies could use some drinks. 234 00:10:14,779 --> 00:10:16,989 Did you wash the lettuce like I asked, Joel? 235 00:10:16,990 --> 00:10:18,157 I was about to, yes. 236 00:10:18,158 --> 00:10:20,909 So the answer's "no," not "yes" if you didn't do it. 237 00:10:20,910 --> 00:10:21,996 So the answer's "no." 238 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,956 Okay. 239 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,416 Cal Bodian is still in his trailer, 240 00:10:27,417 --> 00:10:29,752 probably preparing for his first scene of the day. 241 00:10:29,753 --> 00:10:32,921 He usually likes to get to set and meditate for an hour beforehand, 242 00:10:32,922 --> 00:10:34,089 then he gets a snack. 243 00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:36,510 Usually a muffin and a cup of tea. 244 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,846 He's been sober for 17 years. 245 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,599 Oh, my God. There he is! 246 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,769 Oh, wow. You have your muffin. 247 00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:47,936 So cool. 248 00:10:47,937 --> 00:10:50,858 Do you, uh-- Do you ever read any of the fanzines? 249 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:55,527 Ah. Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a meal? 250 00:10:55,528 --> 00:10:58,155 - A succulent Chinese meal? - Wow. 251 00:10:58,156 --> 00:11:00,824 I'm just saying that's where the PIUNY community really is, you know? 252 00:11:00,825 --> 00:11:01,909 - Sure. - In the zines. 253 00:11:01,910 --> 00:11:04,912 Mr. Bodian, would you come with me? 254 00:11:04,913 --> 00:11:07,873 I have procured several prostitutes for your viewing pleasure. 255 00:11:07,874 --> 00:11:09,041 - Oh. - I will not kill you. 256 00:11:09,042 --> 00:11:10,668 What scene is that for again? 257 00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:12,211 Mr. Bodian, we're ready for you. 258 00:11:12,212 --> 00:11:13,295 Okay. Thank you. 259 00:11:13,296 --> 00:11:15,172 - Mr. Bodian... But the prostitutes... - What? 260 00:11:15,173 --> 00:11:18,008 No, leave him alone. Do not hurt Cal Bodian. 261 00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:19,134 This is war. 262 00:11:19,135 --> 00:11:21,679 Doesn't matter. That man was not the leader. 263 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:25,766 - But he is the main guy on the show. - He is an actor, Nandor. 264 00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,851 A simpleton who paints his face. 265 00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:31,271 He is an empty-headed puppet who thinks the world loves him, 266 00:11:31,272 --> 00:11:35,859 when in actual fact, he is nothing more than a lapdog begging for scraps. 267 00:11:35,860 --> 00:11:37,611 - Yes. - No, he is not the leader. 268 00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:40,364 That would be another devil who pulls the strings. 269 00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:44,328 The half-wit they call the director. 270 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,377 Colin Robinson, did you and Becky ever have a thing for each other? 271 00:11:53,378 --> 00:11:54,461 What? No. 272 00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:58,173 She and Joel had some issues, and I was a good listener for her. 273 00:11:58,174 --> 00:12:01,009 But that was only because I wanted them to get back together 274 00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:02,302 'cause Joel was so sad. 275 00:12:02,303 --> 00:12:03,389 I don't know. 276 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,181 I think her vagina is pulsing for you. 277 00:12:06,182 --> 00:12:08,642 Don't fabricate drama where there isn't any. 278 00:12:08,643 --> 00:12:12,146 You wanted to come to this party to see how the normal people live. 279 00:12:12,147 --> 00:12:15,693 Well, welcome to the wonderful world of "normalos." 280 00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:19,321 - Enough. - I do not get you at all. 281 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,242 Halt. Where is your leader? 282 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:24,869 Thank you. 283 00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:27,411 "AD." 284 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:29,290 - A director. - Yes. 285 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,668 - Now I cut the head of the snake. - Go in. 286 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,589 Nice day. 287 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,799 Come on, Nandor. 288 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,802 What the fuck are you wearing? 289 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,345 That was actually the second assistant director, 290 00:12:45,346 --> 00:12:47,681 and he made me production assistant. 291 00:12:47,682 --> 00:12:49,016 They are short-staffed. 292 00:12:49,017 --> 00:12:50,142 This is all good news. 293 00:12:50,143 --> 00:12:53,270 - We can infiltrate them from the inside. - Yes, yes. 294 00:12:53,271 --> 00:12:56,607 But first, I must go to crafty to fetch taffy for scripty. 295 00:12:56,608 --> 00:13:01,111 Oh, shit. Nandor, you have been seduced by the siren of show business. 296 00:13:01,112 --> 00:13:03,989 - No, I'm infiltrating like... - Where's the PA? 297 00:13:03,990 --> 00:13:05,824 - We're still waiting on... - ...whatever you said before. 298 00:13:05,825 --> 00:13:09,661 Yes, go Nandor. Yes, I'm just fetching it. What is taffy? 299 00:13:09,662 --> 00:13:10,954 Oh, no. 300 00:13:10,955 --> 00:13:14,041 Uh, Sy-- Uh, Strai-- Top. Top Gun. 301 00:13:14,042 --> 00:13:17,836 Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef. Top-- Top-- Top hat? 302 00:13:17,837 --> 00:13:20,130 - Uh-- Wait. Did you say Top Chef? - Yes, I did. 303 00:13:20,131 --> 00:13:22,424 - It was Top Chef. - Nice one, dude. 304 00:13:22,425 --> 00:13:23,509 Is it just me 305 00:13:23,510 --> 00:13:28,096 or is it so hard to locate a good, trustworthy handyman these days? 306 00:13:28,097 --> 00:13:29,181 - Yes! - It is. 307 00:13:29,182 --> 00:13:32,100 When we wanted to renovate the bathroom, I decided I'm just gonna do it myself. 308 00:13:32,101 --> 00:13:35,562 - You did a bathroom reno by yourself? - Yeah, I found a guy out in Queens... 309 00:13:35,563 --> 00:13:36,814 Oh, brother. Here we go. 310 00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:41,610 ...and he gave us these beautiful vintage tiles. 311 00:13:41,611 --> 00:13:42,863 - And-- - They're just tiles. 312 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,907 - Do you wanna go to see it? It's gorgeous. - Uh, yes. 313 00:13:46,908 --> 00:13:48,116 - Good luck. - Yeah. 314 00:13:48,117 --> 00:13:50,661 - Is it dangerous? - No, it's just boring. 315 00:13:50,662 --> 00:13:52,329 Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking idiot 316 00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:55,251 'cause I saved us a lot of money and did a kick-ass job. 317 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:01,129 - What about that bathroom? - Yes. Do you wanna see it? 318 00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:03,590 - Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. - Okay. Great. Follow me. 319 00:14:03,591 --> 00:14:05,553 Try not to miss me too much, my love. 320 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,183 Sit here, Colin. 321 00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:16,645 Right here. I'm just kidding. 322 00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:18,689 Hello, Colin Robinson. 323 00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:19,775 Hello. 324 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:23,362 Is she, uh-- Is she good to you? 325 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,032 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 326 00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:29,157 - Sorry. I hope she's good to you. - Oh. 327 00:14:29,158 --> 00:14:30,409 You-- You deserve it. 328 00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:31,869 Yeah, yeah. I think, you know... 329 00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,537 Well, yeah, I think we get along really well. 330 00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:36,665 It's nothing as special as what you and Joel have. 331 00:14:36,666 --> 00:14:39,126 Joel? [chuckles] Yeah. Ol' Joel. 332 00:14:39,127 --> 00:14:41,211 We've had our ups and downs over the years. 333 00:14:41,212 --> 00:14:42,838 Yeah. That'll happen. 334 00:14:42,839 --> 00:14:44,425 When it does, I... 335 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:50,220 I just remember you were the only one I could talk to about it. 336 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,557 Do you miss our talks, Colin Robinson? 337 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:55,686 Yeah, uh-- 338 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,730 Ready for you on set. 339 00:14:59,731 --> 00:15:01,356 I think he is slumbering. 340 00:15:01,357 --> 00:15:04,109 Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep. 341 00:15:04,110 --> 00:15:07,195 Cans? Anyone for cans? Would you like some cans? 342 00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:09,740 Some cans? Cans? Fucking ignore me. 343 00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:11,408 I already have cans on. 344 00:15:11,409 --> 00:15:13,118 - You have cans? - I have cans. 345 00:15:13,119 --> 00:15:14,786 Sorry. Hi. 346 00:15:14,787 --> 00:15:16,455 This one can for you. 347 00:15:16,456 --> 00:15:18,916 - Sure I can't tempt you with some? - Do you see 'em? 348 00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:20,250 - Anyone ask for cans? - No. 349 00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:21,378 Son of a... 350 00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:25,255 What the fuck are you doing? 351 00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:28,133 Uh, we are not allowed to say what we're filming, sir. 352 00:15:28,134 --> 00:15:29,885 Also, we're trying to clear the frame. 353 00:15:29,886 --> 00:15:32,179 Would you mind following me over by the snack table? 354 00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:34,181 - Rolling! We are rolling! - What? 355 00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:35,265 All right. Shut up. 356 00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:37,226 Out the way, fuckos. Fuck. 357 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,270 - Do you guys wanna play Pictionary? - Oh. 358 00:15:40,271 --> 00:15:42,898 Joel, they don't wanna play Pictionary. It's okay. 359 00:15:42,899 --> 00:15:45,651 Well, I mean, if it's anything like reading a dictionary, then yeah. 360 00:15:45,652 --> 00:15:49,490 Yeah, I do. 361 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:55,245 Shit. Wait, what is... Shit. No, no, no. Fuck. 362 00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,165 How many times have I told you to replace the fucking smoke detector? 363 00:16:00,166 --> 00:16:01,750 It's my fault, of course. 364 00:16:01,751 --> 00:16:06,672 Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon. More excuse for cream cheese, am I right? 365 00:16:06,673 --> 00:16:10,425 - My salmon is fucked. - I love the smell of burnt salmon. 366 00:16:10,426 --> 00:16:12,636 Goddamn it, Joel. You're a fucking failure. 367 00:16:12,637 --> 00:16:14,054 Colin, can I ask you a favor? 368 00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:15,430 Sure, Joel. Anything. 369 00:16:15,431 --> 00:16:19,643 It's a little unconventional, and so if it makes you uncomfortable, 370 00:16:19,644 --> 00:16:21,478 then you just tell me, and I'll shut the hell up. 371 00:16:21,479 --> 00:16:23,105 Stop. We go too far back. 372 00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:26,274 I mean, we're like Stephanie Cmar and Kristen Kish 373 00:16:26,275 --> 00:16:28,652 in the Seattle season of Top Chef. 374 00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:31,613 You know, they used to be roommates. Would you ever wanna-- 375 00:16:31,614 --> 00:16:33,740 - Do you think that-- - Just a town house. 376 00:16:33,741 --> 00:16:35,325 Just go into this-- Just come with me. 377 00:16:35,326 --> 00:16:36,868 - Just... Can... - The hallway. 378 00:16:36,869 --> 00:16:38,453 Yeah, this is nice. 379 00:16:38,454 --> 00:16:40,791 I need you to fuck my wife. 380 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,793 What? 381 00:16:44,794 --> 00:16:46,253 I told you it was a little unusual. 382 00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:49,256 Is that something she would be... 383 00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:50,716 - Ravenous for? Yes. - Right. 384 00:16:50,717 --> 00:16:52,467 It's something that keeps our marriage alive. 385 00:16:52,468 --> 00:16:54,052 Strange request. 386 00:16:54,053 --> 00:16:55,137 Yeah, okay. 387 00:16:55,138 --> 00:16:58,223 Well, if it's any consolation, I'll be there the whole time. 388 00:16:58,224 --> 00:17:00,517 - I'll have eyes on you-- - It's no consolation. 389 00:17:00,518 --> 00:17:03,020 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Okay. But just think about it, buddy. 390 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:04,732 - Could you-- - Girlfriend, come here. 391 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,111 I think he might. 392 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,528 Sabotage. 393 00:17:11,529 --> 00:17:14,281 Do you know what the French translation of "sabotage" is? 394 00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:15,490 It's "fuck things up." 395 00:17:15,491 --> 00:17:17,576 I'm gonna fuck things up for these people. 396 00:17:17,577 --> 00:17:20,037 Chap in the white hat. Now, he's the director. 397 00:17:20,038 --> 00:17:22,497 He doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. 398 00:17:22,498 --> 00:17:25,250 The loudest man in the room with fuck all to say. 399 00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:30,047 Surrounds himself with sycophants, but nothing more than a tin-pot dictator. 400 00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:31,923 And he's nothing without the scribe. 401 00:17:31,924 --> 00:17:33,258 Now, that's the writer there. 402 00:17:33,259 --> 00:17:37,929 The brains behind the whole thing, yet hugely underappreciated. 403 00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:41,808 Socially not the best, but she's the beating heart behind the production. 404 00:17:41,809 --> 00:17:44,811 She is the passionate soul of the televisual medium. 405 00:17:44,812 --> 00:17:47,105 - Sir, we are still rolling. - What do you want? 406 00:17:47,106 --> 00:17:50,025 - What are you doing here? - I don't care what you-- Whoa. 407 00:17:50,026 --> 00:17:52,611 Where the fuck did you get that sweated shirt? 408 00:17:52,612 --> 00:17:55,697 This is for crew only. Season 3 crew only, to be precise. 409 00:17:55,698 --> 00:17:58,325 Yeah, I can see that. I want one of those sweated shirts. 410 00:17:58,326 --> 00:18:00,368 Well, you can't have one. That's a cut! That's a cut! 411 00:18:00,369 --> 00:18:03,830 I love that sweated shirt. It is a remarkable garment. 412 00:18:03,831 --> 00:18:05,874 As you can see, there's some kind of flap at the back 413 00:18:05,875 --> 00:18:08,210 which is attached to the neck, which must be some kind of hood 414 00:18:08,211 --> 00:18:09,503 to protect him from the weather. 415 00:18:09,504 --> 00:18:11,880 On the front looks like some kind of pouch, 416 00:18:11,881 --> 00:18:13,715 which I'm guessing is inspired by the kangaroo. 417 00:18:13,716 --> 00:18:18,637 It's probably 50% polyester. Maybe 40% cotton. 418 00:18:18,638 --> 00:18:20,305 And the rest must be rayon. 419 00:18:20,306 --> 00:18:21,723 But the biggest question I have 420 00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:24,142 is why the fuck has he got one of those and I haven't? 421 00:18:24,143 --> 00:18:25,685 You're in the shot! 422 00:18:25,686 --> 00:18:28,146 - He's in the shot. - Dude, you're in the shot! 423 00:18:28,147 --> 00:18:29,231 He's fucked up. 424 00:18:29,232 --> 00:18:30,941 You're still in! 425 00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:32,901 You're still in the fucking shot! 426 00:18:32,902 --> 00:18:34,694 Go behind the bush. 427 00:18:34,695 --> 00:18:36,990 All right. Fuck it. We'll fix it in post. Back to one. 428 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,869 You were right. I-I don't know what to do. 429 00:18:42,870 --> 00:18:47,207 I've wanted Joel's friendship for so long, but at what cost? 430 00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:50,127 Colin, just stick your beak in his wife and be friends. 431 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:54,214 I just wanted a normal relationship with him, you know? 432 00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:56,550 And this is not normal. 433 00:18:56,551 --> 00:18:59,052 I think it's probably time to get you out of here, mister. 434 00:18:59,053 --> 00:19:00,139 Come on. 435 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,975 Well, we better be off. 436 00:19:04,976 --> 00:19:08,395 There's a Pilates class I've been promising myself I'll make in the morning. 437 00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:11,106 No. Why don't you come join us first? There's plenty of room. Come on. 438 00:19:11,107 --> 00:19:13,400 No, our dance card is filled up for the evening. 439 00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:16,236 What upset you? Did my fucking idiot of a husband say something? 440 00:19:16,237 --> 00:19:17,445 Uh-oh. Was I bad? 441 00:19:17,446 --> 00:19:19,156 Hey, Joel, maybe next week we could go bowling? 442 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:20,699 - Yeah. - That would be so fun. 443 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:23,368 That'd be great. Just boys time, and then you come back and fuck my wife. 444 00:19:23,369 --> 00:19:26,121 Thanks for the grub. That was swirl. 445 00:19:26,122 --> 00:19:28,623 Hmm. 446 00:19:28,624 --> 00:19:29,751 Okay, come here. 447 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:37,465 I say, Detective Mancuso has soiled his trousers. 448 00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:41,094 - His show pants? - What? Yeah. It's ghastly. 449 00:19:41,095 --> 00:19:43,138 Okay. We have doubles on Cal's pants, right? 450 00:19:43,139 --> 00:19:44,683 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 451 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,731 I'm sorry that Joel turned out to be such a depressing pervert. 452 00:19:52,732 --> 00:19:54,399 I mean, I quite liked it, 453 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,655 but I know that you were looking for a more normal, less sexual friend. 454 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,155 Yeah. 455 00:20:00,156 --> 00:20:04,201 Maybe humans are such depressing, weird freaks because, you know, 456 00:20:04,202 --> 00:20:05,785 they try so hard to be normal 457 00:20:05,786 --> 00:20:07,954 that they repress all their most horny desires. 458 00:20:07,955 --> 00:20:10,749 And then they just end up squirting themselves to death. 459 00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:13,919 Well, wise words. Maybe you're a Carrie after all. 460 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,545 Lock it up. Hold there, please. 461 00:20:15,546 --> 00:20:17,758 I'm so sorry, but no. 462 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,305 The hat? Oh, yeah, that's from season 6. We shot them back-to-back. 463 00:20:25,306 --> 00:20:27,515 - What the fuck are you doing in-- - Oh. 464 00:20:27,516 --> 00:20:29,893 That gear is for crew only. 465 00:20:29,894 --> 00:20:32,520 Hmm. Someone's jealous of my swag. 466 00:20:32,521 --> 00:20:33,605 Perhaps. 467 00:20:33,606 --> 00:20:37,444 But there is one garment that I know you will never get your hands on. 468 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,445 Nandor, give me that sweated shirt! 469 00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:41,614 You shall never have it! 470 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,745 - Laszlo, get a grip. - Good idea. 471 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:49,539 No! 472 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:53,168 - You're stretching it! - Wouldn't be the first time. 473 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:56,838 Time-out, time-out. 474 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,968 What are we doing? 475 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,136 Chewed up and spat out in true Hollywood style. 476 00:21:05,137 --> 00:21:08,431 We need to rain hellfire on these Hollywood pricks. 477 00:21:08,432 --> 00:21:10,058 Drink the blood of the director. 478 00:21:10,059 --> 00:21:12,477 Crush the balls of the best boy. 479 00:21:12,478 --> 00:21:14,815 And whack all of the actors. 480 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,150 Yeah, let's do it. 481 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:21,405 Hey, you guys are still here? We wrapped, like, half an hour ago. 482 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:23,782 Happy trails, guys. 483 00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:28,954 We did it. We fucking did it. 484 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,246 Well done, Nandor. 485 00:21:31,247 --> 00:21:35,417 You know, sometimes the best tactic in war is to not fight at all. 486 00:21:35,418 --> 00:21:37,421 You sound just like a writer. 487 00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,423 - Onward! - Yeah. 488 00:21:41,424 --> 00:21:46,469 Meanwhile, while Laszlo and Nandor called wrap on their beef, 489 00:21:46,470 --> 00:21:49,597 I couldn't help but wonder, if we stopped saying cut... 490 00:21:49,598 --> 00:21:51,182 The Cal mobile. 491 00:21:51,183 --> 00:21:53,560 ...would we all get a little more action? 492 00:21:53,561 --> 00:21:55,353 Hi, Mr. Bodian. I'm just a huge fan. 493 00:21:55,354 --> 00:21:57,272 I wanted to know if I can take a picture with you quickly? 494 00:21:57,273 --> 00:21:59,065 Now is not a great time. It's not a good time. 495 00:21:59,066 --> 00:22:00,400 It's just for my zine, actually. 496 00:22:00,401 --> 00:22:01,484 - Have you read this? - Hey! 497 00:22:01,485 --> 00:22:05,405 Maybe if we could ask our friends for just a little more quiet on set... 498 00:22:05,406 --> 00:22:06,906 Sign his program, you fucklord. 499 00:22:06,907 --> 00:22:08,700 ...we'd end up with a lot less drama. 500 00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,035 You know who the fuck I am? 501 00:22:10,036 --> 00:22:11,870 You think it's not gonna be a problem for you? 502 00:22:11,871 --> 00:22:13,079 Here we go! 503 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,334 Because even for the biggest stars, it's important to stay grounded. 504 00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,671 And that's when I realized 505 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:24,384 it wasn't PIUNY or show business, 506 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,845 or even Staten Island that kept us all together-- 507 00:22:28,846 --> 00:22:30,307 Colin Robinson. 508 00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:33,393 Shut fuck up. 509 00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:37,439 Oh, file saved. 510 00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:53,411 There he is. That's the street right here. That's where they shoot... 511 00:22:53,412 --> 00:22:54,746 Took your time, Mancuso. 512 00:22:54,747 --> 00:22:56,625 This looks bad. 513 00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,252 Bad? We just found six more inside. 514 00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:02,339 Son of a bitch. The Mob. 515 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,549 What the hell? 516 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,761 I guess I know where I'm going next. 517 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,761 - Where's that? - Was that-- 518 00:23:09,762 --> 00:23:11,807 - Undercover. - Never mind.