1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,924 - [crew members clamoring] - Hello. 2 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,509 Hi. 3 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,594 - Hello. - Hey. 4 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,389 [Nandor] What is this shit? 5 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,475 Oh-- Uh, Hold there, please. 6 00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,894 - But I am going home. - It's just gonna be for a few seconds. 7 00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:22,604 We're just in the middle of shooting something. 8 00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:24,940 Very cool. What are we shooting? 9 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,234 - Dogs? Criminals? - [crew member 1] Cut. 10 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,820 - I'm not allowed to say, but what-- - [crew member 1] Adam, we're cutting. 11 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,989 Cut! Brad, can you go to two? 12 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,282 Who is Brad? 13 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,867 Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay. 14 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,786 10'1"! What a tall fellow this Brad is. 15 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:39,913 Copy. All right, we're moving to the dolly shot! 16 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,791 Dolly? Nadja would be devastated if her dolly was shot. 17 00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:43,917 No, I must intervene. 18 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:45,878 No. We're going again. 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,172 [Adam screams] 20 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,675 Shit, shit, shit. Shitty, shitty, shit. 21 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:54,303 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we are under attack. 22 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,764 A militia has assembled on our territory. 23 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:57,848 - [Laszlo] I know! - It's not a militia. 24 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,641 They're just filming a TV show. 25 00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,685 Well, this TV show has invaded our territory. 26 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:06,023 They are attacking us with their trucks and their lights and their gigantic Brads. 27 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,275 Nandor thinks everything is a war. 28 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:09,610 Yet this time, 29 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,528 he's absolutely right. 30 00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,490 - It's called PI Undercover: New York. - [Nandor gasps] 31 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:16,700 [Colin] It's a police procedural in its fourth season. 32 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:20,704 "Detective Jack Mancuso is brought to life with deft sensitivity 33 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,456 by a never-better Cal Bodian." 34 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:26,001 "Brought to life"? Who is this man? Some kind of necromancer? 35 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,586 No. Worse. He's an actor. 36 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,670 Shit. 37 00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,214 [Colin] Now, wading down into the comments. 38 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:33,967 "Winsomely compelling copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at-- 39 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,052 Oh, wait. That was me. 40 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,345 Drivel for the unwashed. 41 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,430 The Bard, how he weeps. 42 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,681 [thuds] 43 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:41,350 - What the blazes? - Fucking... 44 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,519 - [car alarm beeps] - [Laszlo] Why is there a fucking truck 45 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,813 - in our garden? - [crew member 1] Entering the property. 46 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,523 There's an enemy at the gate. Hold the line. 47 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,274 - Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry. - [crew member 2] You good? 48 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,359 Yeah. I'm with the owners. 49 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,569 Yeah, same location. Don't worry, insurance is gonna cover all this. 50 00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:53,987 We should disembowel this guy. 51 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:55,656 - Let's fucking kill him. - [crew member 3] Quiet on set. 52 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:56,782 - We're rolling. - Sorry. 53 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,493 - Sorry. - Sorry! 54 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:03,122 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 55 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,625 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 56 00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:09,002 {\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 57 00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,214 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 58 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 59 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:18,554 {\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪ 60 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,390 {\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 61 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,560 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 62 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:37,114 Not bad. Not bad at all, ya stud. 63 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,200 What are you up to, you creamy snake? 64 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:43,036 {\an8}All dressed up like a bowl of millet. 65 00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:47,040 {\an8}I am getting ready to go to a friend's house for a dinner party, 66 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:48,375 {\an8}thank you very much. 67 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:49,710 {\an8}You don't have any friends. 68 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:50,961 Uh, yeah, I do. 69 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,630 I've got the Monster and my boy, Joel. 70 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,717 Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel? 71 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,135 I'm always talking about Joel. 72 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,180 We used to work together a few years ago in the same office. 73 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,347 Pushing paper around, 74 00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:04,266 - generally getting after it. - Hmm. 75 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,019 Yeah, I love Joel. Could never bring myself to drain the guy. 76 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,396 So why have we never heard about him? 77 00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:12,482 Well, he and I drifted apart a few years ago 78 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:14,568 when he, uh, married Becky. 79 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:17,196 He has a very nice, pinched face. 80 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,448 Anyway, he called me up last week and was like, 81 00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,909 "Hey, bruh. Wanna come over for some grub, bruh?" 82 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,994 And I was like, "Sure, bruh. What time, bruh?" 83 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:26,371 And he was like, "Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh." 84 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,582 - Could I come with you? - Um-- 85 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,666 Why am I doing this? 86 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:32,794 {\an8}Ever since I have been working up the career ladder at Cannon Capital, 87 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:36,924 I have been absolutely loving my deliciously mild human interactions. 88 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:40,594 And I really want the chance to, you know, practice my human small talk. 89 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,597 "Oh, hey, hon. Love that top. Where is it from? 90 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,350 Online? Great. I love online. 91 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,895 My allergies are bonkers today. Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing. 92 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,856 I think I'm gonna go low-key for my birthday this year." 93 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:57,069 Or, "I did the Harris Potter quiz, and I got Slytherin. Aw." [chuckles] 94 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:01,573 You know, I'm trying really hard to get back to normal with Joel. 95 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:05,285 And I worry if I showed up with a nightmare 96 00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:09,998 in a Civil War ghost's dress, it might freak him the fuck out. 97 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:13,502 I think it would make you look like Mr. Bigs from the Sexy City show 98 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,337 to have such a mouse woman on your arm. 99 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,713 Squeak, squeak. 100 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:18,173 Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure. 101 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,425 Yay. 102 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:22,678 - [Laszlo] Gizmo! - [Nandor] Guillermo. 103 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,888 - [Laszlo] Wake up, you little prick. - [Nandor] Come on. Get the fuck up. 104 00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,099 - What? What? Why? What? - Invaders have just rammed a hole 105 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,393 - in our garden wall. - Sorry, I must've fallen asleep. 106 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,271 You need to get up. We need weapons, not this fancy-ass shit. 107 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,189 We are about to launch a counteroffensive. 108 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,149 We need sickles and scythes and weaponry. 109 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,777 No. Whatever this is, it sounds like a bad idea. Don't do it. 110 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,113 We're being invaded. We will not go empty-handed. 111 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:45,993 We are about to conquer a production known as PI Undercover: New York. 112 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,536 - What? Are you serious? - Oh, yes. 113 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:48,620 - Right now? - Yes. 114 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,414 - Are they... Move! - [Laszlo] Wait! 115 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,291 - [Nandor] Guillermo! Guillermo, wait! - Where? Where? 116 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,459 [Nandor] Guillermo, you cannot take them on single-handedly. 117 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:58,046 No. Don't ruin this for me, okay? That is my favorite show ever. 118 00:04:58,047 --> 00:05:00,173 {\an8}PIUNY. 119 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:04,219 {\an8}[chuckles] It's the perfect cozy, rainy-day show. 120 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,762 But it's so much more than that. 121 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,431 PI Undercover: New York is, like, 122 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,599 the crown jewel of the PI Undercover extended universe. 123 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,227 I mean, I love the original PI Undercover and PI Undercover: London, 124 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:15,147 but PIUNY, ah, just hits different. 125 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,898 I mean, I've seen every episode, like, 12 times. 126 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:19,401 Essentially, it's a meditation on grief because... 127 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,485 It's fantastic. 128 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:25,615 In fact, last summer I cosplayed as Jack Mancuso at the Philadelphia Comic Con. 129 00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:28,327 All the subreddit haters were, like, so jelly. 130 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,911 Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit. 131 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,998 Do you think Cal Bodian's over there? Do you think he'll sign my zine? 132 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,249 [Guillermo imitates trumpet] 133 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:37,962 My PI Undercover fanzine. I've done everything myself. 134 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,631 I just took a guess about the chest hair. 135 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:45,386 - He wants a Cambodian to sign his what? - Mmm. 136 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,016 [Colin] Now, fair warning. 137 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:55,020 The stuff Joel and I used to talk about was not necessarily family-friendly, so-- 138 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,313 Like what? 139 00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,940 - Eh. Just guy stuff. - [Scoffs] Like what? 140 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,525 - Don't worry about it. - Tell me. 141 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,695 - I'll tell you later. - No, tell me now. 142 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,490 - Boobs. - Hmm. 143 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,116 [Joel] They're here! 144 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:08,867 Hey! [chuckles] 145 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,327 - There he is. - [Nadja chuckling] 146 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,745 - What's up? What's up? - Oh, my G-- What's up? 147 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,414 This is... Look at him. 148 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,083 - The prodigal cubicle-mate returns. - Hey! 149 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,542 - Hi. - Hello. 150 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:19,127 Thank you so much for coming. 151 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,922 This is Nadja, my girlfriend. 152 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,591 I have heard so much about you, and wow. 153 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,802 Your top is so lovely and warm. 154 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,137 Reminds me of, um, PSL season. 155 00:06:29,138 --> 00:06:31,348 Pumpkin spice latte. I love those. 156 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,434 I never know if people are on-- on drugs. 157 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,938 - What-- What is all this? - Oh, uh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber. 158 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,856 Huge, uh, YouTuber. 159 00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:43,276 Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking" and you'll find my channel. 160 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:47,197 - She films everything, you know? Mostly-- - Hello. Welcome. 161 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,657 - [Colin] Oh. - [Joel] This is Becky. 162 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,952 - [Colin] What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky. - Hello, Colin. How are you? 163 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,871 I'm well. How are you? Uh, this is Nadja, my girlfriend. 164 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:55,997 Nice to pleasure. 165 00:06:55,998 --> 00:07:00,085 Girlfriend. It's-- It's lovely to meet you. 166 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,295 I'm gonna go check on the salmon. 167 00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:06,633 I hope by salmon you mean wine. 'Cau... I'm a woman. I love wine. 168 00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:08,176 No, I meant fish. 169 00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,887 Well, ladies to the kitchen, men to the conversation. [chuckles] 170 00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:12,347 You go do it, girlfriend. 171 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:13,473 [both chuckle] 172 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:16,184 Listen, I know you said no gifts, but, uh, there you go. [laughing] 173 00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:19,604 This is totally unnecessary. But I ain't mad at it. 174 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,898 I'm surprised you actually had time to have us over 175 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,900 with the season starting soon 176 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:26,528 and pitchers and catchers reporting in, like, 11 days. 177 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:27,654 Go Mets, right? [chuckles] 178 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,031 You know what? I'm not even really feeling baseball anymore. 179 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:31,576 Those fucking rule changes. 180 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,703 - It's a Mike Piazza baseball card. - Yeah, I didn't know. 181 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,580 - Is it signed? - It is. 182 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:40,584 {\an8}So, I spent the last two weeks binge-watching every Mets game 183 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:41,918 {\an8}from the past seven years. 184 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,921 Baseball is extremely slow, even for me. 185 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:47,299 That's a lot of time I'm not gonna get back. 186 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,135 So, baseball's out. What are you into now? 187 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:53,555 - We watch Top Chef. - Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too. 188 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,848 - Cool. - Where's your bathroom? 189 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,809 I need to do a... a number three. [laughs] 190 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,061 - What? - Ayo. 191 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:01,813 I don't un... What's a three? 192 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,274 - Remember on our days in the office? - Yeah. 193 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,861 We would go down to the third floor to do our big smelly poos. 194 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,530 - I think I kinda remember that. - Where's your bathroom? 195 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,656 - It's upstairs. - Okay. 196 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,325 - [Nadja] So nice. - [Becky] Thank you. 197 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,330 - A little kiss for my "banooney." - And one for me, my banana. 198 00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:20,374 [Nadja and Colin chuckle] 199 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,043 Act normal. 200 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,545 Your taste is just... 201 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,214 Thank you. I just like solid colors. 202 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,216 Hmm. Maroon. 203 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,133 [crew members clamor] 204 00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:31,968 Traveling to base camp. You over at video village? 205 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:35,180 - Let us storm their base camp. - And lay waste to their video village. 206 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,058 - [crew member 3] Last looks. - Indeed they are. 207 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,394 - [Laszlo] Et tu, Seanie? - Hey, fellas. 208 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:44,147 - What the shit? - I rent my bathroom out to the crew. 209 00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:47,609 - He has succumbed to the King's shilling. - Oh, come on. I do this all the time. 210 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,862 You know how many movies have wanted to rent my little potty? 211 00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,740 We have lost our greatest ally to the other side. Let's go. 212 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,743 Think about all the legendary piss that's flowing through those pipes. 213 00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,078 Diane Keaton's piss. 214 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,621 Jim Carrey's piss! 215 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,748 Mike Barbooglio's piss! 216 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:04,918 The salmon smells amazing, Becky! 217 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:11,508 I hope it's as good as Tiffani Faison's monkfish from Top Chef season one. 218 00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:12,592 [chuckles] 219 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:16,596 Please let me help with, um, the touching and the boiling. 220 00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:19,891 No. No, you're fine. Just relax. Tell me, how-- how did you and Colin meet? 221 00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,476 Oh, yes. Uh-- 222 00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:24,312 Let us gossip like two little brain-dead bitches. 223 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,566 Does, um, Colin ever talk about me? 224 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,650 - No. That was stupid. - You know men. 225 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:32,404 They don't talk about anything other than, "Ouch, my balls." 226 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,657 - Yeah. Except Colin's not like that. - Scrotum. It's-- 227 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,577 Oh. Yes. Sorry? 228 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,580 Colin's not like that. Colin has never been like that. 229 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,831 Right. Okay. 230 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,458 Colin's not like other men. He's really sensitive. 231 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:47,919 And that is why he is my soft-boiled egg. 232 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,839 I'm very happy for you both. 233 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,923 Sorry. I... 234 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,676 I don't wanna see Colin get hurt, you know? 235 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,345 - He's an incredible person. - [flutters lips] 236 00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,432 I have used my brilliant powers of deduction 237 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:06,104 to detect that Becky is rock-hard in love with Colin Robinson, 238 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,773 much like Carrie loved Aidan in the Sexy City show, 239 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,402 which I have watched every episode of. 240 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,779 Looks like you two ladies could use some drinks. 241 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,990 Did you wash the lettuce like I asked, Joel? 242 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,158 I was about to, yes. 243 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:20,910 So the answer's "no," not "yes" if you didn't do it. 244 00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:21,996 So the answer's "no." 245 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,956 Okay. 246 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,417 [Guillermo] Cal Bodian is still in his trailer, 247 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,753 probably preparing for his first scene of the day. 248 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:32,922 He usually likes to get to set and meditate for an hour beforehand, 249 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:34,090 then he gets a snack. 250 00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:36,510 Usually a muffin and a cup of tea. 251 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,846 He's been sober for 17 years. 252 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,599 Oh, my God. There he is! 253 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,770 Oh, wow. You have your muffin. 254 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:47,937 So cool. 255 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,858 Do you, uh-- Do you ever read any of the fanzines? 256 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:55,528 Ah. Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a meal? 257 00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:58,156 - A succulent Chinese meal? - Wow. 258 00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,825 I'm just saying that's where the PIUNY community really is, you know? 259 00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:01,910 - Sure. - In the zines. 260 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,913 Mr. Bodian, would you come with me? 261 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,874 I have procured several prostitutes for your viewing pleasure. 262 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,042 - Oh. - [Nandor] I will not kill you. 263 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,669 What scene is that for again? 264 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,212 [crew member 4] Mr. Bodian, we're ready for you. 265 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,296 Okay. Thank you. 266 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,173 - [Nandor] Mr. Bodian... But the prostitutes... - What? 267 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:18,009 No, leave him alone. Do not hurt Cal Bodian. 268 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,135 This is war. 269 00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,680 Doesn't matter. That man was not the leader. 270 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:25,767 - But he is the main guy on the show. - He is an actor, Nandor. 271 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,852 A simpleton who paints his face. 272 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:31,272 He is an empty-headed puppet who thinks the world loves him, 273 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:35,860 when in actual fact, he is nothing more than a lapdog begging for scraps. 274 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,612 - Yes. - [Laszlo] No, he is not the leader. 275 00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:40,365 That would be another devil who pulls the strings. 276 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:44,328 The half-wit they call the director. 277 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,378 Colin Robinson, did you and Becky ever have a thing for each other? 278 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,462 What? No. 279 00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:58,174 She and Joel had some issues, and I was a good listener for her. 280 00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:01,010 But that was only because I wanted them to get back together 281 00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:02,303 'cause Joel was so sad. 282 00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:03,389 I don't know. 283 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,182 I think her vagina is pulsing for you. 284 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,643 Don't fabricate drama where there isn't any. 285 00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:12,147 You wanted to come to this party to see how the normal people live. 286 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,693 Well, welcome to the wonderful world of "normalos." 287 00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:19,321 - Enough. - I do not get you at all. 288 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,242 Halt. Where is your leader? 289 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:24,869 Thank you. 290 00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:27,412 "AD." 291 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,290 - A director. - [Laszlo] Yes. 292 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,668 - Now I cut the head of the snake. - Go in. 293 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,589 Nice day. 294 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,799 Come on, Nandor. 295 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,802 What the fuck are you wearing? 296 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,346 That was actually the second assistant director, 297 00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,682 and he made me production assistant. 298 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,017 They are short-staffed. 299 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,143 This is all good news. 300 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:53,271 - We can infiltrate them from the inside. - Yes, yes. 301 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,608 But first, I must go to crafty to fetch taffy for scripty. 302 00:12:56,609 --> 00:13:01,112 Oh, shit. Nandor, you have been seduced by the siren of show business. 303 00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:03,990 - No, I'm infiltrating like... - [crew member] Where's the PA? 304 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,825 - We're still waiting on... - ...whatever you said before. 305 00:13:05,826 --> 00:13:09,662 Yes, go Nandor. Yes, I'm just fetching it. What is taffy? 306 00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:10,955 Oh, no. 307 00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:14,042 Uh, Sy-- Uh, Strai-- Top. Top Gun. 308 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,837 Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef. Top-- Top-- Top hat? 309 00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:20,131 - Uh-- Wait. Did you say Top Chef? - Yes, I did. 310 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,425 - It was Top Chef. - [screams] Nice one, dude. 311 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:23,510 [laughs] Is it just me 312 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:28,097 or is it so hard to locate a good, trustworthy handyman these days? 313 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,182 - Yes! - It is. 314 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:32,101 When we wanted to renovate the bathroom, I decided I'm just gonna do it myself. 315 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:35,563 - You did a bathroom reno by yourself? - Yeah, I found a guy out in Queens... 316 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:36,815 Oh, brother. Here we go. 317 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:41,611 ...and he gave us these beautiful vintage tiles. 318 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:42,863 - And-- - They're just tiles. 319 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,908 - Do you wanna go to see it? It's gorgeous. - [Nadja chuckles] Uh, yes. 320 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,117 - [Becky] Good luck. [scoffs] - Yeah. 321 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,662 - [Nadja] Is it dangerous? - No, it's just boring. 322 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,330 Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking idiot 323 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,251 'cause I saved us a lot of money and did a kick-ass job. 324 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:01,130 - What about that bathroom? - Yes. Do you wanna see it? 325 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,591 - Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. [chuckles] - Okay. Great. Follow me. 326 00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:05,553 [Nadja] Try not to miss me too much, my love. 327 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,184 Sit here, Colin. 328 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:16,646 - Right here. I'm just kidding. [laughs] - [laughs] 329 00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,690 Hello, Colin Robinson. 330 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,775 Hello. 331 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:23,362 Is she, uh-- Is she good to you? 332 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,032 - Who? - Your girlfriend. [scoffs] 333 00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:29,158 - Sorry. I hope she's good to you. - Oh. 334 00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:30,410 You-- You deserve it. 335 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,870 Yeah, yeah. I think, you know... 336 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,538 Well, yeah, I think we get along really well. 337 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,666 It's nothing as special as what you and Joel have. 338 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,127 Joel? [chuckles] Yeah. Ol' Joel. 339 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,212 We've had our ups and downs over the years. 340 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:42,839 Yeah. That'll happen. 341 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,425 When it does, I... 342 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:50,221 I just remember you were the only one I could talk to about it. 343 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:52,557 Do you miss our talks, Colin Robinson? 344 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,642 [chuckles] 345 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:55,686 Yeah, uh-- 346 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,731 Ready for you on set. 347 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,357 I think he is slumbering. 348 00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:04,110 Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep. 349 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,196 Cans? Anyone for cans? Would you like some cans? 350 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:09,741 Some cans? Cans? Fucking ignore me. 351 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,409 I already have cans on. 352 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,119 - You have cans? - I have cans. 353 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,787 [Nandor] Sorry. Hi. 354 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,456 This one can for you. 355 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,917 - Sure I can't tempt you with some? - Do you see 'em? 356 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,251 - Anyone ask for cans? - No. 357 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,378 Son of a... 358 00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:25,256 What the fuck are you doing? 359 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,134 Uh, we are not allowed to say what we're filming, sir. 360 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,886 Also, we're trying to clear the frame. 361 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:32,180 Would you mind following me over by the snack table? 362 00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,182 - Rolling! We are rolling! - What? 363 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,266 All right. Shut up. 364 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,226 Out the way, fuckos. Fuck. 365 00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:38,353 [Colin laughs] 366 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,271 - Do you guys wanna play Pictionary? - [Nadja] Oh. 367 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:42,899 Joel, they don't wanna play Pictionary. It's okay. 368 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,652 Well, I mean, if it's anything like reading a dictionary, then yeah. 369 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:49,490 Yeah, I do. 370 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:55,245 Shit. Wait, what is... Shit. No, no, no. Fuck. 371 00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,166 How many times have I told you to replace the fucking smoke detector? 372 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,751 It's my fault, of course. 373 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:06,673 Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon. More excuse for cream cheese, am I right? 374 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:10,426 - [Becky] My salmon is fucked. - [Nadja] I love the smell of burnt salmon. 375 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,637 [Becky] Goddamn it, Joel. You're a fucking failure. 376 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,055 Colin, can I ask you a favor? 377 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,431 Sure, Joel. Anything. 378 00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:19,644 It's a little unconventional, and so if it makes you uncomfortable, 379 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,479 then you just tell me, and I'll shut the hell up. 380 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,106 Stop. We go too far back. 381 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:26,275 I mean, we're like Stephanie Cmar and Kristen Kish 382 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,653 in the Seattle season of Top Chef. 383 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,614 You know, they used to be roommates. Would you ever wanna-- 384 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,741 - Do you think that-- - Just a town house. 385 00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,326 Just go into this-- Just come with me. 386 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:36,869 - Just... Can... - The hallway. 387 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,454 Yeah, this is nice. 388 00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:40,791 I need you to fuck my wife. 389 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,794 [mumbles] What? 390 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,254 [Joel] I told you it was a little unusual. 391 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,257 Is that something she would be... 392 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,717 - Ravenous for? Yes. - Right. 393 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,468 It's something that keeps our marriage alive. 394 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,053 Strange request. 395 00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:55,138 Yeah, okay. 396 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,224 Well, if it's any consolation, I'll be there the whole time. 397 00:16:58,225 --> 00:17:00,518 - I'll have eyes on you-- - It's no consolation. 398 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,021 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Okay. But just think about it, buddy. 399 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,732 - Could you-- - Girlfriend, come here. 400 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,111 I think he might. 401 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,529 Sabotage. 402 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:14,282 Do you know what the French translation of "sabotage" is? 403 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,491 It's "fuck things up." 404 00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:17,577 I'm gonna fuck things up for these people. 405 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:20,038 Chap in the white hat. Now, he's the director. 406 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,498 He doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. 407 00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:25,251 The loudest man in the room with fuck all to say. 408 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:30,048 Surrounds himself with sycophants, but nothing more than a tin-pot dictator. 409 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,924 And he's nothing without the scribe. 410 00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,259 Now, that's the writer there. 411 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:37,930 The brains behind the whole thing, yet hugely underappreciated. 412 00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:41,809 Socially not the best, but she's the beating heart behind the production. 413 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,812 She is the passionate soul of the televisual medium. 414 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:47,106 - Sir, we are still rolling. - What do you want? 415 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:50,026 - What are you doing here? - I don't care what you-- Whoa. 416 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:52,612 Where the fuck did you get that sweated shirt? 417 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:55,698 This is for crew only. Season 3 crew only, to be precise. 418 00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:58,326 [Laszlo] Yeah, I can see that. I want one of those sweated shirts. 419 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,369 Well, you can't have one. That's a cut! That's a cut! 420 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:03,831 I love that sweated shirt. It is a remarkable garment. 421 00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,875 As you can see, there's some kind of flap at the back 422 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,211 which is attached to the neck, which must be some kind of hood 423 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,504 to protect him from the weather. 424 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,881 On the front looks like some kind of pouch, 425 00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:13,716 which I'm guessing is inspired by the kangaroo. 426 00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:18,638 It's probably 50% polyester. Maybe 40% cotton. 427 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,306 And the rest must be rayon. 428 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:21,724 But the biggest question I have 429 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:24,143 is why the fuck has he got one of those and I haven't? 430 00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:25,686 [director] You're in the shot! 431 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,147 - [Laszlo] He's in the shot. - [director] Dude, you're in the shot! 432 00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,232 He's fucked up. 433 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,942 - [director] You're still in! - [Laszlo laughs] 434 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,902 [director] You're still in the fucking shot! 435 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:34,695 [crew member] Go behind the bush. 436 00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:36,990 [director] All right. Fuck it. We'll fix it in post. Back to one. 437 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,870 You were right. I-I don't know what to do. 438 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:47,208 I've wanted Joel's friendship for so long, but at what cost? 439 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:50,128 Colin, just stick your beak in his wife and be friends. 440 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:54,215 I just wanted a normal relationship with him, you know? 441 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,551 And this is not normal. 442 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,053 I think it's probably time to get you out of here, mister. 443 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,139 [chuckles] Come on. 444 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:04,976 Well, we better be off. 445 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,396 There's a Pilates class I've been promising myself I'll make in the morning. 446 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,107 No. Why don't you come join us first? There's plenty of room. Come on. 447 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,401 No, our dance card is filled up for the evening. 448 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,237 What upset you? Did my fucking idiot of a husband say something? 449 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,446 Uh-oh. Was I bad? 450 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:19,157 Hey, Joel, maybe next week we could go bowling? 451 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,700 - Yeah. - That would be so fun. 452 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,369 That'd be great. Just boys time, and then you come back and fuck my wife. 453 00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:26,122 Thanks for the grub. That was swirl. 454 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,624 - [Joel and Colin chuckle] - Hmm. [chuckles] 455 00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:29,751 Okay, come here. 456 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:37,466 I say, Detective Mancuso has soiled his trousers. 457 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:41,095 - His show pants? - What? Yeah. It's ghastly. 458 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,139 Okay. We have doubles on Cal's pants, right? 459 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,683 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 460 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,732 I'm sorry that Joel turned out to be such a depressing pervert. 461 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,400 I mean, I quite liked it, 462 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:58,655 but I know that you were looking for a more normal, less sexual friend. 463 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,156 Yeah. 464 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:04,202 Maybe humans are such depressing, weird freaks because, you know, 465 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,786 they try so hard to be normal 466 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,955 that they repress all their most horny desires. 467 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,750 And then they just end up squirting themselves to death. 468 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,920 Well, wise words. Maybe you're a Carrie after all. 469 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,546 Lock it up. Hold there, please. 470 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,758 I'm so sorry, but no. 471 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:20,636 [scoffs] 472 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,306 The hat? Oh, yeah, that's from season 6. We shot them back-to-back. 473 00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:27,516 - What the fuck are you doing in-- - [Laszlo] Oh. 474 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,894 That gear is for crew only. 475 00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,521 Hmm. Someone's jealous of my swag. 476 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:33,606 Perhaps. 477 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:37,444 But there is one garment that I know you will never get your hands on. 478 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,446 Nandor, give me that sweated shirt! 479 00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:41,614 You shall never have it! 480 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:42,699 [both grunting, groaning] 481 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,745 - Laszlo, get a grip. - Good idea. 482 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:49,539 [Nandor] No! 483 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:53,168 - [Nandor] You're stretching it! - Wouldn't be the first time. 484 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:56,838 Time-out, time-out. 485 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,968 [sighs] What are we doing? 486 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,137 Chewed up and spat out in true Hollywood style. 487 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,432 We need to rain hellfire on these Hollywood pricks. 488 00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:10,059 Drink the blood of the director. 489 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,478 Crush the balls of the best boy. 490 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,815 And whack all of the actors. 491 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,150 Yeah, let's do it. 492 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:21,405 Hey, you guys are still here? We wrapped, like, half an hour ago. 493 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:23,782 Happy trails, guys. 494 00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:28,954 - We did it. We fucking did it. - [chuckles] 495 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,247 Well done, Nandor. 496 00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:35,418 You know, sometimes the best tactic in war is to not fight at all. 497 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,421 You sound just like a writer. 498 00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,424 - [Laszlo] Onward! - [Nandor] Yeah. 499 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:46,470 Meanwhile, while Laszlo and Nandor called wrap on their beef, 500 00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:49,598 I couldn't help but wonder, if we stopped saying cut... 501 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,183 The Cal mobile. 502 00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,561 [Colin] ...would we all get a little more action? 503 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:55,354 Hi, Mr. Bodian. I'm just a huge fan. 504 00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,273 I wanted to know if I can take a picture with you quickly? 505 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,066 Now is not a great time. It's not a good time. 506 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:00,401 It's just for my zine, actually. 507 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,485 - Have you read this? - [Laszlo] Hey! 508 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:05,406 [Colin] Maybe if we could ask our friends for just a little more quiet on set... 509 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:06,907 Sign his program, you fucklord. 510 00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,701 [Colin] ...we'd end up with a lot less drama. 511 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,036 You know who the fuck I am? 512 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,871 You think it's not gonna be a problem for you? 513 00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:13,080 Here we go! 514 00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:16,334 [Colin] Because even for the biggest stars, it's important to stay grounded. 515 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,418 [Bodian grunts] 516 00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,671 [Colin] And that's when I realized 517 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:24,384 it wasn't PIUNY or show business, 518 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,846 or even Staten Island that kept us all together-- 519 00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:30,307 [Monster] Colin Robinson. 520 00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:33,393 Shut fuck up. 521 00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:37,439 Oh, file saved. 522 00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:53,412 There he is. That's the street right here. That's where they shoot... [chuckles] 523 00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:54,747 [detective] Took your time, Mancuso. 524 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,625 [Mancuso] This looks bad. 525 00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,252 Bad? We just found six more inside. 526 00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:02,339 - [Guillermo giggles] - Son of a bitch. The Mob. 527 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,549 [Guillermo] What the hell? 528 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,761 [Mancuso] I guess I know where I'm going next. 529 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,762 - [detective] Where's that? - Was that-- 530 00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,807 - [Mancuso] Undercover. - Never mind.