1
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,671
So, yes,
it has been quite a summer.
2
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:07,541
- We finally got a new familiar.
- Yeah.
3
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:10,376
- But he had an accident and died.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:12,613
Left a bit. Left a bit more.
5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,480
It's not even.
6
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:18,585
Ooh. Shit.
7
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,721
So we found another one
and she had an accident
8
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,789
and she died.
9
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,390
Oh, fuck.
10
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:31,765
I had what is known
as a summer of self-discovery.
11
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,568
I was being a vapor
12
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:39,706
and I got sucked
into an air purifier.
13
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,875
But apart from that,
14
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,777
pretty slow summer.
15
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,346
And then the same thing
happened with the next one.
16
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,216
I spent so much time at the DMV
17
00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,553
they finally just
gave me a license.
18
00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,522
I did what any young,
handsome man would do,
19
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,525
I went and bought
a classic convertible,
20
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:02,696
put the top down,
blasted some tunes and, uh,
21
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,666
I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.
22
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:09,335
This is gonna ruin
my day, too, you know.
23
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,071
- And then the next one.
- Yep.
24
00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:17,844
We've been through about six...
No, seven familiars this year.
25
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,646
- Seven?
- Yeah, remember Joey?
26
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,248
No, my dear,
I'm not that familiar.
27
00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,819
No, don't you remember?
28
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:28,221
His intestines came
straight out of his bum.
29
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,290
- Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
- Mm.
30
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,158
Not much new with me.
I've been spending
31
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:33,927
a lot more time
in the upstairs bathroom.
32
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,997
But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and... Ooh.
33
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,965
There's this little guy.
34
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,068
Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.
35
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:44,104
Don't be afraid. Come on in.
36
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:53,946
Oh, sh...
37
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,252
That's the tenth vampire
I killed this month.
38
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,187
These vampire assassins
keep trying to kill
39
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:02,523
Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo
40
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:05,626
ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.
41
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,003
I'm doing it
to protect my master.
42
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,295
But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire killer,
43
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,832
because then he'd have
to kill me.
44
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,634
Guillermo, what are you doing?
45
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,645
- Dusting.
- Well, can you dust more quietly please?
46
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:18,905
- I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay.
47
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,407
I haven't slept in 72 hours.
I've been eating
48
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,519
these chocolate-covered
espresso beans.
49
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,953
They give you enough pep
just to keep going
50
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,354
and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...
51
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:26,847
- Ah!
- Guillermo?
52
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,715
Someone's in here!
Please don't open the door.
53
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,084
Did you make
a messy toilet again?
54
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,820
- I-I did. I-I had an accident.
- Whoopsie.
55
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,723
- Well, actually, I just wanted to...
- No, Master, don't open...
56
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,225
Oh, Guillermo.
57
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:42,162
You should really
drink more water.
58
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,837
♪♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪♪
59
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,239
♪♪ They have no use
for your song ♪♪
60
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,976
♪♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪♪
61
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,712
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪♪
62
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:03,617
♪♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪♪
63
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,419
♪♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪♪
64
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,689
♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪♪
65
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:12,292
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪♪
66
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,468
Anyway, that is all in the past,
67
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,205
because we have finally
found us a good one.
68
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:28,108
Topher, come in here!
69
00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:30,143
- Look at this.
- Tophie!
70
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,713
Your skull polish, madam.
71
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,581
- I'll be right outside.
- There he goes.
72
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,684
Take care of business. Ooh.
73
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,686
Topher is an absolutely
74
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,856
"Bob's your money"
spectacular familiar.
75
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,124
And his résumé
76
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:45,692
is impeccable.
77
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,294
It is. He is proficient
in Excel.
78
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,763
And went to Lehigh.
79
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,365
Now, my wife and I
have not a whore's notion
80
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,467
what any of that means.
81
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,002
But we like it.
82
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,771
Need any help with that,
G-Money?
83
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,405
Nah, I got it.
84
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,575
It's like my father used to say.
85
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,444
"Never accept a towel
from an Italian."
86
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:07,013
- Yeah. Topher.
- Very true, darling.
87
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,414
- Master.
- Watching you stretch
88
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,584
your young body
across that fireplace,
89
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,886
- you know who you remind me of?
- Who, Master?
90
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,621
Me.
91
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,122
Bring it in.
92
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,658
You're the best.
93
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,694
- Guillermo! Guillermo!
- Y-Yes, Master?
94
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,663
Yes?
95
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:25,365
I dragged my cape through
a street doo-doo again.
96
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,634
I dragged it for three blocks
before I noticed
97
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,503
and I'm embarrassed to say
I dragged it
98
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,171
for another eight blocks
after that.
99
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:34,107
- Why did you do that, Master?
- Well, I thought it would help,
100
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,142
you know, drag the doo-doo off.
101
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,712
- Anyway, take care of it please.
- Hey, uh,
102
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,581
you want me to fly
in with the assist? No!
103
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:41,958
That actually
is a-a lot of shit on it.
104
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,651
This is a good solo job
for Guillermo.
105
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,754
But thank you for the hustle,
Topherino!
106
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:48,821
Look out.
107
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:52,058
- Hustle...?
- I don't think so.
108
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,961
- It looks fantastic in here.
- Doesn't it?
109
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,030
I could watch him
clean all day. Yes.
110
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,932
All right, I'm glad
to hear you say that.
111
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,133
Uh-huh.
112
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,334
All right.
113
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,336
All right! Bye, Bobby.
114
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,205
It's my little side hustle.
115
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:08,208
I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this
dope new line of hard ciders.
116
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:12,245
It's called Doze Apples
Hard Cider.
117
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,115
That's clever, 'cause it...
They're made with apples.
118
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:16,316
Apple flavoring,
119
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:17,827
- we have to say.
- Do Laszlo and Nadja
120
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,485
- know about this?
- Eh.
121
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,797
What they don't know
can't hurt them.
122
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,889
- Am I right? High five.
- I...
123
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,801
- Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging.
- I don't know. Just...
124
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,268
- With our job...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hanging, dawg.
125
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,895
- And we're just...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hang...
126
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,840
- I just think that...
- No, give me a better one, dawg.
127
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,241
- I just think...
- Again, high five!
128
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,334
Oh, yeah. High five.
129
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,702
I feel like there's a way
130
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,071
to be cool... which you are,
you're very cool...
131
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:40,273
- Thank you.
- And also, respectful, you know?
132
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,008
You need to let them know
133
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,778
that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.
134
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,547
- Which is why we're here.
- To be honest,
135
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,582
I don't really care
about being a vampire.
136
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,684
I'm sorry, what?
137
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,719
Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised
138
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,921
that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.
139
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,657
Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?
140
00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:59,860
What are you doing
if you don't...
141
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,895
- What-what do you want to be?
- I don't know.
142
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,329
Maybe a warlock.
143
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,741
- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.
144
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,533
That's, like, above vampire.
145
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,001
Alla-kazoom!
146
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,504
And it would explode
or something.
147
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:14,440
He's still learning.
He's still finding himself.
148
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,742
He'll get there.
149
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,878
So, these are like money.
150
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,446
You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,
151
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,816
pay for the cider
with real money, but then,
152
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,351
you mail in this card to
the address there on the back.
153
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:28,354
And I can explain
this whole process
154
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:29,956
as I'm handing these out?
155
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,958
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes more than once.
156
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,861
You know, if you want,
you can drain me right now.
157
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,706
I'm, like, firing on all
four cylinders, you know?
158
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,775
You can crunch up as much as you
want. I can make some more.
159
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,601
I... Yeah, I want to, Topher,
160
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,704
but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.
161
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,138
I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.
162
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,708
Like, I know
you're trying to bore me...
163
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,010
Hang on.
164
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,546
Come on in.
165
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,083
The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.
166
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,418
You know?
167
00:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,020
Sue me.
168
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,523
- Who was at the door?
- I don't know.
169
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,025
Unbelievable. Topher?
170
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,528
Topher, did you happen to let
two vampires into the house?
171
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,806
- Hey, hang on, dawg.
- Look, there's a couple rules you need to follow.
172
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,373
- I know you're new, okay, but...
- Sorry, just, uh,
173
00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:13,075
conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,
174
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,135
this dope werewolf...
You might know him, actually.
175
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,641
First of all, werewolves are not
dope, so I wouldn't know him.
176
00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:19,272
- Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
- No.
177
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,250
Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important
178
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,544
you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.
179
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,254
Do me a favor and stay away
from the koi pond.
180
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,356
I think there's an electrical
short from the heater, so just
181
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,559
- stay away from it...
- Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
182
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,184
No, just don't touch it,
Topher, okay?
183
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,295
- The electric guy's gonna be here on Monday.
- Always works for me.
184
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:34,955
So just leave it alone...
185
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,594
Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.
186
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,229
Another familiar dead, you know?
187
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,399
But... that's the business.
188
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,069
I'm used to it.
189
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,004
That's bad, right?
190
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:56,810
Death comes for us all.
191
00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:00,013
It comes for the bees.
192
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,815
It comes for the trees.
193
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:06,987
It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,
194
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,155
so... one...
195
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,290
Are you kidding?
196
00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:12,425
Two, three, four.
197
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,994
Put a cork in it,
Colin Robinson.
198
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,530
- We're weak enough as it is.
- Perhaps there is
199
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,533
- a familiar killer on the loose?
- What?
200
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,401
Well, I was just thinking,
you know,
201
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:22,836
if there are vampire killers,
202
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,405
then why not
familiar killers, also?
203
00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,874
There's no such thing as
vampire killers, you knob lord.
204
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,476
- Well...
- What was that, Guillermo?
205
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,984
I'm just saying
that it wouldn't hurt
206
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,914
to be more cautious and alert.
207
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,448
Enough of this!
208
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,083
This is horse piss.
We are vampires.
209
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:39,319
We can do better
than this for our Topher.
210
00:08:39,385 --> 00:08:41,121
Guillermo, dig him up.
211
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,255
Yes.
212
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,525
Please be respectful of his mud.
213
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:46,392
A necromancer is someone
214
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,128
who can reanimate the dead.
215
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,064
It's a truly fantastical part
of the dark arts.
216
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,700
And I happen to have
a very good old pal
217
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,902
Wallace...
218
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,806
who is excellently proficient
in the art of necromancy.
219
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,909
No, he's excellent, at the dark
art of ripping you off.
220
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,811
These people are shysters.
221
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,147
They're obsessed
with the upsell.
222
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,816
I'm sure his hut
is around here somewhere.
223
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,152
It's a classic necromancer scam.
224
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,455
"Meet me at my hut."
What bloody hut?
225
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,659
There it is. I'm certain of it.
226
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,161
Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches
227
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,029
scurrying around
in the moonlight.
228
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,965
It's a performing arts school.
229
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:28,101
Hey, a high school production
of Thornton Wilder's
230
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,904
Our Town with a Q and A
afterwards.
231
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,640
- Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
- You seek
232
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,576
the necromancer?
233
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,410
What the...?
234
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,412
I am they.
235
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,581
Hello, Wallace!
236
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,750
Come on, everyone!
237
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:47,420
I've got a lovely pot of
stew if anyone's hungry. No.
238
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:50,991
- I see you admiring my wares. Anything tickle your fancy?
- No.
239
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,294
Hush. These bracelets
ward off the evil eye.
240
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,630
- Ooh. Ooh.
- This one attracts the evil eye.
241
00:09:56,697 --> 00:10:00,901
And this one increases
sexual stamina. Yeah.
242
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,803
You could do with a leg up.
243
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,840
And these are key chains that
look like license plates. Uh-huh.
244
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,509
Look, mister,
we are not interested
245
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,511
in your tricks and trinkets.
246
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:13,747
This one would make a cute gift
for a man named Steve.
247
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,783
Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace,
what we are here for
248
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,094
is we were hoping
you could reanimate
249
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,620
our beloved familiar Topher.
250
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:22,388
Yes, uh, how long
has he been dead?
251
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,725
- Huh?
- Oh, that is Guillermo.
252
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,594
He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.
253
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,598
Just a little joke there,
Guillermo,
254
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,099
I got it.
255
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,001
All right, so, uh,
where's the carcass?
256
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:38,404
Yes. Guillermo,
fetch the carcass.
257
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,174
- The what?
- The carcass.
258
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,944
- The cadaver, man.
- I'll go get the body.
259
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,846
What was that?
260
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:47,781
I'll go get the carcass.
261
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,349
Better.
262
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,958
And did you bring a personal
item belonging to the deceased?
263
00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,293
Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge.
264
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,304
Uh, Guillermo, you did
bring the mini-fridge, yeah?
265
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,832
He absolutely loved
this cold, white little box.
266
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,801
And the foot of a deranged cat,
267
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,771
the night-thistle,
the parcel of wolf's-bane
268
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,139
and the $350 cash?
269
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,908
- Thank you.
- It's all there,
270
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,176
razzle-dazzle man.
271
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,612
Good, good.
I can't stress enough
272
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,514
the $350 cash.
273
00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:23,550
- Yeah, I'll bet you can't.
- Otherwise, the spells don't work.
274
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,318
Wallace,
do you think we are going to get
275
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,488
- our beloved Topher back?
- Well, he seems well preserved.
276
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,692
Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.
277
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,694
He hasn't had that, uh,
278
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,461
intestines out of the asshole,
has he?
279
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:36,563
- No, no.
- Good,
280
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:38,331
'cause that really yucks me out.
281
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,367
Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.
282
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,344
Yes! You're alive!
283
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,846
You can jive!
284
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,681
Your spirit rise!
285
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,216
♪♪ The light has gone ♪♪
286
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,918
♪♪ Out of your eyes ♪♪
287
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,085
♪♪ What a surprise ♪♪
288
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,821
- ♪♪ Yah! ♪♪
- Is he scatting?
289
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,523
No, of course not.
290
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,757
♪♪ Zippidee-dop ♪♪
291
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,025
♪♪ A-zippidee-doo ♪♪
292
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,193
♪♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop,
wabada-boo... ♪♪
293
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,729
This is bullshit.
294
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,030
Shut up.
295
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,096
♪♪ Ooh-eh ♪♪
296
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,401
Oh-pah!
297
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,145
Zombra, zombra, zombra.
298
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,880
Zambra, zombra.
299
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,314
Why is he looking at his phone?
300
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,221
It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.
301
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:34,521
Z-Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.
302
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,890
Zombarisa...
303
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,025
Hai! Hai! Hai!
Hai, hai, hai!
304
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,426
Ba-boom!
305
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,830
Oh! -Ew! -Get in, you bastard!
306
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:47,267
The end.
I have achieved reanimation.
307
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,035
Your beloved familiar
308
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,071
will return to you tomorrow.
309
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,607
- Tomorrow?
- Life takes time, my friend.
310
00:12:53,674 --> 00:12:57,143
We are reversing the very power
of nature itself.
311
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,912
But there's
a-a quickening ritual,
312
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,014
if you want
to chivvy things along.
313
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,825
As we're all friends,
I could do it for a hundy.
314
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:05,185
- No, you bloody won't.
- We're not interested.
315
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,953
Thank you so very much, Wallace.
316
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,689
♪♪ Zappidee-doo. ♪♪
317
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,124
Zappidee-doo.
318
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,641
Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!
319
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,233
It's true.
I've got to admit,
320
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,468
Wallace, as contemptible
a man as he is,
321
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:26,339
- actually came up trumps.
- Told you so.
322
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,876
You fucking didn't.
323
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:32,546
Don't tell Guillermo, but...
324
00:13:32,613 --> 00:13:35,248
I'm so happy Topher is back.
325
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:39,385
All right,
let us begin with the minutes.
326
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,887
I am here.
327
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,256
Guillermo, you are there.
328
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,558
And, um...
329
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:46,660
To-pher!
330
00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:47,994
Oh, Tophie!
331
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,262
And there is Topher.
332
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,163
Wonderful.
333
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,965
We are all here.
We can begin.
334
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,667
Firstly...
And I'm not naming names...
335
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,770
But I have recently noticed
that the house reeks
336
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,806
of decaying flesh, and there are
dead birds everywhere.
337
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,274
Topher!
338
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,143
As I say, I'm not naming names.
339
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,111
But if we do have an issue,
340
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,113
then it's important
that we all work together
341
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,983
to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.
342
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,918
Doze Apples!
343
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,557
Off he goes.
344
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,158
That chap's tireless, isn't he?
345
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,194
You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?
346
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,172
I actually have an order
of business I'd like to discuss.
347
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,598
- Oh...
- Okay.
348
00:14:24,665 --> 00:14:26,933
- The floor is yours.
- I'm a little bit concerned
349
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,000
about Topher.
350
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,970
I think there might be something
351
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,972
really wrong with him.
352
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,541
Topher! Aah!
353
00:14:34,608 --> 00:14:37,944
He waits under my bed and
tries to bite me, for one. Yes.
354
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,546
He eats live birds and insects.
355
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,648
I think, I think
he might be a zombie.
356
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,852
That, my boy,
sounds like slander.
357
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,421
Nandor, what are you going to do
about the state of the muck
358
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,090
- pouring out of his mouth?
- Guillermo,
359
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,992
do you have any proof
of this wild accusation?
360
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,260
Aah!
361
00:14:57,598 --> 00:14:58,599
Well, do you?
362
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,200
He's not well!
363
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:01,968
- He's freaking out.
- Yes!
364
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,770
He's gonna eat me!
¡Dios mío!
365
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:05,271
Well, now he's
speaking in tongues.
366
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940
That is awful of you
to call Topher
367
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,074
those things you just did.
368
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,478
Exactly.
369
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:15,481
Guillermo, have you
been getting enough sleep?
370
00:15:15,549 --> 00:15:17,551
No. No,
I am not getting anysleep!
371
00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,753
I haven't slept
in the last two weeks,
372
00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:22,923
because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!
373
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:25,391
Protect us from what?
374
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,363
Nothing.
375
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,208
I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,
376
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,668
and you don't, so that's okay,
never mind, forget it.
377
00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:36,770
Did you see that?
378
00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,506
He was eating his own dry poops.
379
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,822
The vampire assassins
usually come at night,
380
00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:47,781
so I have to constantly survey
the perimeter.
381
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,703
Topher!
382
00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:11,938
Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!
383
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,125
I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...
384
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,047
Sorry. Sorry.
385
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,183
Why...?
386
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:27,120
Sorry, buddy,
but you were trying to kill me.
387
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,490
High five.
388
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,225
I don't know, bud.
389
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,761
- Come on!
- Okay. All right.
390
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,396
Aw, shit.
391
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,298
- Why?!
- Sorry, Toph.
392
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,266
See, that's why
I didn't want to do that.
393
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,335
Toph.
394
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,705
No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.
395
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,073
High five!
396
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,809
No, I'm not gonna
high-five you anymore.
397
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:49,876
High five!
398
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,845
Ow, Toph! That really hurt!
399
00:16:51,912 --> 00:16:53,479
- High five!
- Stop it, you...
400
00:16:53,547 --> 00:16:55,415
You're being really rude
right now!
401
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,383
Stop it! Stop it!
402
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,320
Stop it, Topher.
Stop it, Topher!
403
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:03,123
Stop it, Topher!
404
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,958
Aw, fuck no!
405
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,594
No one bites Guillermo!
406
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,533
It was an accident.
407
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,603
All right, dudes,
I'm headed out.
408
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,573
Going up to Albany to catch
a community theater production
409
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,907
of Pippin.
410
00:17:23,744 --> 00:17:27,080
What's going on with,
uh, Toph-Dawg?
411
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,049
I think he's a zombie.
412
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,517
Yeah, could be.
413
00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:32,352
See you guys later.
414
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:34,788
You goofballs.
415
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,669
No!
416
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,538
Why won't you die?!
417
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,376
Stop it! Stop it!
418
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,443
Ow!
419
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,347
Jesus fucking...!
420
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,317
Topher!
421
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,925
Guillermo!
422
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,295
Master...
423
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,197
you saved me.
424
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,565
Thank you.
425
00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:21,434
Your screaming disturbed me
from my slumber.
426
00:18:21,502 --> 00:18:23,179
You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.
427
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,270
It's not hygienic.
428
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,006
If you want to wash yourself,
do it in...
429
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,508
Will you stop that!
430
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,876
I've had enough of this.
431
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,317
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
432
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,686
But what is done is done.
433
00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:42,488
This fuckin' guy.
434
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:52,332
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
435
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:53,834
But what is done is done.
436
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,238
Are you kidding me with this
right now?
437
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,141
Just give him a few jolts.
I'll be fine.
438
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,443
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
439
00:19:05,045 --> 00:19:07,413
Kind of tickles.
440
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,451
You conned us,
you slippery bastard!
441
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,520
Wallace,
how could you do this to us?
442
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,827
Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.
443
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:18,024
- Well, he didn't do that before?
- Of course not!
444
00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:20,694
Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.
445
00:19:20,761 --> 00:19:23,029
But you know what?
No extra charge.
446
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,174
- Bullshit! You made it up as you were going along.
- No, no, no, no,
447
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,000
that was word-for-word verbatim.
448
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:29,469
No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!
449
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,538
It was an Amber Alert.
450
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,073
Well, I did think
it was important.
451
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,876
He is damaged goods,
and we demand satisfaction!
452
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:39,445
Not cool, Wallace, not cool.
453
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:41,157
- Fine. Let me have him.
- What, do you think
454
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,183
I'm gonna let him go?
You must be out of your mind.
455
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,120
Come here, boy.
456
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,722
Come on, come on.
457
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,859
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
458
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,360
- Wow.
- All right,
459
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,162
I don't normally do refunds,
460
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,031
but I'll take him
off your hands for you.
461
00:19:58,098 --> 00:19:59,365
And for your trouble,
462
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,803
each of you can grab
a license plate key chain.
463
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,738
For free?
464
00:20:04,805 --> 00:20:06,172
Free. Gratis.
465
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,841
Okay.
466
00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:09,275
Come on!
467
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:12,212
- Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
- I got...
468
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:13,580
"Steve."
469
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:17,718
So if you're watching, Steve...
470
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,686
waiting for you.
471
00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:20,754
Ah.
472
00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,589
I got "Nadia," uh,
473
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,492
which is my name,
but with a less exciting "J."
474
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:27,260
Completely free.
475
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,862
You don't have "Colin."
476
00:20:28,929 --> 00:20:31,231
We haven't sold any
since 1979, mate.
477
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,233
But you have "Condom."
478
00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,536
Very, very popular.
479
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,437
- Can I take one?
- Go for it.
480
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:39,139
So I got...
481
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:40,406
"Gigi."
482
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,243
I guess that's better
than "Gizmo."
483
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,349
Being a familiar
isn't for everyone.
484
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,886
You're not always thanked
or praised.
485
00:20:52,953 --> 00:20:55,989
But after my master
saved my life,
486
00:20:56,056 --> 00:20:59,159
he proved to me that...
he really does care about me
487
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,427
and all the things I do for him.
488
00:21:01,495 --> 00:21:05,499
And if one day
he doesn't, well...
489
00:21:23,517 --> 00:21:26,319
Here you go. Down there.
490
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,288
That be slippy there, hang on.
491
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:30,991
Here you go.
492
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:32,593
Topher!
493
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:33,794
Yep.
494
00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:36,563
Just uh, copy what they do,
you'll be fine.
495
00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:38,732
Doze Apples!
496
00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:40,501
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good.
497
00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:42,869
Be back to check on you
next year.
498
00:21:42,936 --> 00:21:45,071
Doze Apples.
499
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:46,740
Yes, yes.
500
00:21:48,374 --> 00:21:50,911
Gigi.
501
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:53,346
Condom.
502
00:21:53,413 --> 00:21:55,649
Topher!
503
00:21:55,716 --> 00:21:58,051
♪♪ See the people
all dressed in white ♪♪
504
00:21:58,118 --> 00:22:00,486
♪♪ Oh, it must be
the children of Israel ♪♪
505
00:22:00,554 --> 00:22:02,288
♪♪ Just a-walkin'
into the light ♪♪
506
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,257
♪♪ 'Cause there ain't no grave ♪♪
507
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:07,260
♪♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪♪
508
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:09,295
♪♪ Oh, there ain't no grave ♪♪
509
00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:12,265
♪♪ Gonna hold my body down ♪♪
510
00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:15,101
♪♪ When that trumpet shot
shall blast ♪♪
511
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:16,803
♪♪ And the dead
shall leave at last ♪♪
512
00:22:16,870 --> 00:22:19,305
♪♪ There ain't no grave ♪♪
513
00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:20,574
♪♪ Gonna hold ♪♪
514
00:22:20,641 --> 00:22:23,443
♪♪ My body down. ♪♪
515
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:26,913
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Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org