No. Naughty. Naughty!
Cravensworth's Monster has entered a remarkable new phase of development.
He's horny.
No.
For a creature entirely cobbled together with cadaver parts...
Naughty boy. Down. Down, boy.
- ...his drive to fornicate is phenomenal. - Okay, just make it quick then.
Like I said, he's horny.
So, we have decided this monster needs a bride.
So, we've started building him a bride, but with the...
And now he's going to town on himself again.
Oh, fuck. Stay in the two shot, please.
He... He's got his hand in the cookie jar!
Stop fucking doing that.
Now, where were we?
Dude's horny.
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
♪You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
♪You've sold out your dream to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world ♪
Guillermo and I have decided to join forces to fight crime together.
Technically, I have not agreed to that yet.
Do you not like the crime-fighting outfit I got you for your secret identity?
Are you ready, Cowboy Kid? Then let's clean up this city.
Very nice.
I don't think anyone's gonna be afraid of Kid Cowboy.
They will when his partner shows up.
And who are you supposed to be again?
They call me "The Phantom Menace."
No.
That's already taken.
Shit.
We will track down evildoers from our secret underground lair.
Wow. Look at that. Where-Where exactly is this lair?
Deep, deep under the ground, like, a thousand feet down under the house.
Uh-huh.
Now, there will be a secret lever on my coffin.
When I pull it, the floor opens up and the coffin goes down like an elevator.
That's cool.
- Mmm. Thank you. - I don't think you need a lair though.
And where am I supposed to put my "super compuder," hmm?
- Your what? - My "super compuder."
The lair is really the best bet.
Sounds fun, but I think I know how this ends up.
This ends up with me doing all the work.
It's gonna be equal partnership.
- How so? - You do some stuff.
- Got it. - I do some stuff.
Great. Settled.
Then if I am too busy, then you can do some of my stuff.
There it is.
We've assembled about 90% of the monster's bride-to-be,
but once again we need the right head.
Fortunately, the monster has shown us his preference.
He's made it pretty obvious which way he swings.
For you, milady.
Right. It appears our monster has just torn off his own penis
and presented it to The Guide as a gift.
Again.
This dude loves The Guide, but so does Nandor.
And so, we've asked Nadja to see if he would mind if The Guide... you know.
Hmm, how do I put this?
I mean, I do think that there is a part of The Guide that does love Nandor.
So, how's about with the parts that don't love you,
maybe we do something else with those?
Sorry, what? What do you mean by that?
We're hoping he won't object if The Guide
donated her head for the creation of the bride of Cravensworth's Monster.
And her... her...
And her... boobs.
I mean, most of her attributes and--
- They're saying we're done. - What's that?
- I think we've got everything we need. - All right.
- Absolutely. Good stuff. - Yeah.
If you had to pick a part that you wanted--
Sorry, but we think we have all we need.
- Sure. - Oh, okay, yeah. Um...
No problemo.
Take my mic off over there.
- Have a good one. - Cheers.
Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you.
There we go.
Sorry. Excuse me.
- Hey. - Wassup.
What's going on? [pants] I just heard the crew saying the documentary's ending.
- Like, what? - Well, it has been six years, Guillermo.
They said they have enough footage now.
But why? We're in the middle of everything and...
That's it? Like, it's done?
Well, you know, all good things must come to an end.
- Preach. - Does anyone else feel a draft in here?
I felt something.
Okay, what are we doing? What's our game plan here?
We could throw another log on the fireplace and--
No, not that.
Or wrap ourselves up in a cozy quilt?
No. You guys, don't you think it's weird that we've been doing this,
and it's all of a sudden just ending?
Just, poof, it's just done? It all ends? What?
This is not the end of anything.
We will keep doing what we always do.
It's just these, um, camera microphone people will no longer be filming it.
That's what I'm talking about.
We've been doing this for so long. Like, years of our lives.
You guys don't think it's a little weird--
Laszlo!
Maybe not quite now. Guillermo clearly needs his diaper changing.
I'm not wearing a diaper.
It's just that it's so sudden. When were you gonna tell me, by the way?
Were you gonna tell me? Am I the last person to know?
All of a sudden it's just pfft.
- It's hardly gone "pfft," Guillermo. - Okay.
The crew will be filming for at least
another couple of hours to get some B-rolls.
- You're leaving in a couple of hours? - Yes, at sunrise.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. That reminds me.
Get some B-roll footage of me reading this big book.
Uh, Guillermo, hello. Two hours is more than enough to finish anything
you could possibly want to do for the cameras.
You want to do a little show-and-tell for us?
Or maybe, uh, you could sing a little song.
My lady wife's right. Sing a little song. Do a little dance.
Yeah, and do a jig. Come on, jig.
Come on, boy. Dance!
It's hot in here. I'm gonna get fresh air.
- You've got the best moves. - Do a dance!
- Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! - Dance, boy.
- Shake it. - Bye, bitch.
- Nandor. A private moment, please. - Hmm?
- Come on. - Excuse us
You need to go talk to Guillermo now.
I was doing my B-roll!
What about this, guys? Is this good for the edit?
- Hmm. - Nandor! Listen to me!
I have actually learned a lot about human psychology
from doing my, uh, big Wall Street job.
And I can tell that Guillermo is actually very sad about the documentary ending.
Eh, he will get over it.
Or maybe he won't.
I guess we'll never know. Kidding. We will know.
But you will not because you didn't bother filming it.
Don't be rude.
What about... Yes. Something like, uh... How's this? Is this anything?
Nandor! I'm serious.
These last six years are the only slightly exciting thing
to ever happen to Guillermo in his whole sad life.
- What? - You know, it is like, the cameras
pretending to film him.
It made him feel like he was as important as we are.
It's like when you put a little raincoat on a dog,
and the dog is walking around thinking,
"Oh, woof, woof. I'm like a little human. I've got a coat on."
But they're not. They're just a little shit dog.
That is Guillermo, and he's not going to have any of that anymore.
But I'm sure something interesting will happen to Guillermo eventually.
Fine. I will fix.
How are you guys doing with this whole thing ending?
Do you need to talk to someone? Or... 'Cause I'm here.
There, there, buddy.
Listen, you know I'm not the most sentimental SOB on the planet,
but, uh, one time when I was down,
a wise man said something that really put it all into perspective.
What'd he say?
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
I think I read that on a mug, but thank you.
- That's very nice. - Sure.
Knock-knock. Knock-knock, knocking.
Colin Robinson, would you mind if I had a word with Guillermo?
No, not at all. We're done.
Thank you, Colin.
Yeah, don't... don't hug me.
Guillermo, I know that this is a big change for you.
But in life, we always go through big changes.
For example, when I was a young boy, my favorite color was red.
But now my favorite color is orange.
- Sorry, just remembered one thing. - Yeah.
It's not the number of breaths we take,
but the number of moments that take our breath away.
That's nice. Thank you.
All right. Later.
Goodbyes are hard.
Yeah.
I once waved farewell to a departing train for over three hours,
and then I realized that it wasn't a train at all.
It was a flatbed truck full of port-a-potties.
- One more quick one. - I'm talking here!
"We laughed until we had to cry.
We loved right down to our last goodbye. We were the best."
St. Elmo's Fire, 1985. Okay, later.
Guillermo, things end!
And that hurts!
It's just the suddenness of it all.
It's hitting me so quickly, you know? I just have all these feelings--
- Uh, Guillermo, you're Irish, right? - No.
Okay, great. Then you probably haven't heard this one.
"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun..." Fuck, I always forget this part.
Yeah, why don't you think about it and come back? Or just not.
All right. I'll leave you guys to it.
Where was I? I can't even remember what the fuck I was saying.
You were saying that... ...goodbyes are hard.
Yes. So why don't you stop being a little bitch?
Come downstairs and we can all be together during your hour of need.
House meeting! House meeting! Oh, good. You are all here.
- Excellent. - Excuse me.
Uh... House meeting item number one.
I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell.
Please finish a whole victim first before moving on to the next one, okay?
- Oh, yeah. That's nasty. - Copy that.
- Shove it up your asshole. - Just do it.
What else do we have here? Oh, yes. House meeting item number two.
It has come to my attention that Guillermo has become very emotional
because the documentary is ending.
No, I'll be fine. Thank you.
You're not fine, you're a blubbering mess. And I think we should discuss it.
Gizmo has become addicted to the limelight, quite obviously.
What? No, I haven't.
He is but a walking shadow, a poor player,
who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.
Laszlo, that is so profound.
Thank you very much. I just thought of it a second ago.
You know what? One time I did see Guillermo take
a little can of Pringles off the table of snacks that the documentary crew uses.
So, maybe he's worried that he won't be able to steal food anymore.
Not stealing.
No, he's sad because he has to end his secret affair
with Nate, the boom operator.
- What? - Guillermo, you dirty dog.
You know, another time I saw Guillermo take
as many Tic Tacs as he could fit in his hands.
Okay.
You people know nothing about human psychologies.
Guillermo is afraid that he has wasted 16 years of his life serving us
and it has prevented him from growing
- or changing in any way. - Good point.
The ending of this documentary is giving him
a preview of the ending of his own frail, human life.
Does that sound right, Gizmo? Does that resonate?
I think the question that Gizmo is asking himself is, "To be or not to be?"
Because that is the question Gizmo is asking himself.
So eloquent.
Again, just off the top of my head.
Just gonna circle back to what I was saying.
Guillermo is very worried that he will feel equally as unfulfilled
by his own life's journey and meaning.
Be well, everyone.
- It's not. - I know what it is.
It's Greg, the A-camera operator, right?
Is it Greg, the A-camera operator, that you've been secretly fucking?
- No. - And does Nate, the boom operator,
- know about this? - I'm not having affairs with anyone.
Or is it Frank the grip that looks a lot like Nandor?
- He doesn't look like me. - No, that's not it. No. No offense.
You must get upset that things end, right?
Wouldn't mind if this house meeting ended soon.
So what if the documentary ends?
Before you know it, a new documentary crew will come in
and make a whole new documentary about us.
Well, that seems highly unlikely.
Excuse me. This is not even the first documentary that was made about us.
What?
House meeting! House meeting!
Oh, good. You are all here. Excellent.
Right. Uh, house meeting item number one.
I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell.
Please, please, please finish a whole victim before moving on to the next, okay?
Well, I wouldn't have to keep saying it if we just did it.
Jerry, yes. New business?
Extremely old business.
I really think we need to start making more progress conquering America.
Um, hello? We have been making some progress.
We've already got some of Ashley Street.
Laszlo, are you hearing this?
Yes, yes. Very good. Thank you!
That's it.
Wait, where are you going?
I'll tell you where I'm going. I'm going into super-slumber.
- He was always saying that. -
The cheek on it! Laszlo! Hello?
- Eureka! - What?
I've got it! Now, if I increase the voltage to the diaphragm muscles,
the heart should start beating of its own accord, much like this.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, Laszlo.
Oh, hey. Big article here on the water main break.
"That was the worst flood I've seen since the Great Flood
of 1892, says local resident Nandor Lee, a dentist."
Nandor, you fucking idiot!
Now everyone's going to know that we are vampires,
and that we've lived here for hundreds of years.
Everyone grab their disguises.
We've gotta hit the road before they come for us.
Everybody, grab your go bags!
No! This where we make our final sta...
Oh, damn it!
Maybe they don't think we are vampires. I just said that I'm a dentist.
No, you idiot! You said "Nandor the Relentless."
They thought you said "Nandor Lee, a dentist."
Shit.
Who the fuck are you? And how the fuck did you get in here?
- And a pleasure to meet you, young lady. - Oh.
My name's Daytona, Jackie Daytona.
And I hail from Tucson. Tucson, "Arizonia."
Is this guy here to kill us?
It's me, Laszlo!
Oh, Laszlo, did you just see the very sexy man from "Arizonia"?
That's... Do you know what? Never mind. We have to go and hit the road.
- Yes, we should. - No, I surrender to no one!
- Come on! - I've gotta do one more thing, my darling.
Leave it!
She thinks I'm gonna leave here without my witch's skin hat.
- Leave it! - Well, that would be bullshit.
I'm standing my ground!
Wow. Lot of the stuff that happened while I was here happened before.
I mean, there was no me in there, but I was having very fun adventure.
So, did the documentary ever come out?
No. They filmed us for ten years,
but then they decided that they didn't have enough good material.
Yeah. Said it's just a bunch of boring people
doing the same old shit day after day.
Nothing changes. No one ever grows.
- It's pointless. Yada yada. - That too.
See, this is what I've been trying to say, you know?
We've gotten a second chance to set the record straight on... on vampire life.
We can't stop filming. Just not now.
They haven't even scratched the surface
you know, of the glory and majesty of vampirism.
- They haven't even really-- - Guillermo. Guillermo, sweetie.
Would you mind if I use my deep understanding
of human psychologies to offer up some help for you?
No, thank you. I'm fine, Nadja.
Okay, well I'm gonna do it anyway.
I want you to know that I'm talking with you, not at you.
- Thank you. - And I say this with love.
It's over!
- Did you receive that, or... - What?
If you really feel like you need a special ending to this,
you have about an hour to make it happen, cap'n.
Actually, now about a half hour.
Why don't you do that little dance you've been dying to do?
- Then we can call it a night. - Dance.
- Come on, boy. Dance! - Dance! Dance! Dance!
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!
Stop! We need an ending. It has to be good! Okay?
It has to be good, and it has to mean something.
Give viewers emotional closure.
He's absolutely right.
A lot of shows biff it when it comes to sticking the landing.
I can't tell you how many comments I've written about this very topic.
Check me out in the discussion threads on Reddit, IndieWire, Variety, Deadline,
TV Guide, TV Insider, IMDb, Hollywood Reporter, Den of Geek.
Oh, oh. I just got the perfect ending.
Great.
- Guillermo becomes a vampire. - Mm-hmm. Okay.
We did that already last year.
- Did we? - Yes, we did.
We turned Guillermo into a vampire,
and then Guillermo decided, "I don't want to be a vampire anymore."
So we had to turn him back again. Took fucking ages.
Really should have finished filming at that point, I think. Great out.
Okay, come on. There has to be something we've learned over the past six years.
You know, how we've grown, life lesson. What have we learned?
Don't turn Guillermo into a fucking vampire.
Okay. Anyone else?
Uh...
A lesson we've learned.
How we've grown, how we've changed. Right? Anyone?
Laszlo, come on. You're a man of science, so surely you must have learned something.
Oh. All right, then.
♪ We've had lots of laughs ♪
Okay.
♪Sucked lots of blood ♪
Yeah.
And then fucked each other senseless. How's that?
- Very nice. - Good. It's good.
Anyone else? [stammers] The Guide.
You know what? Sure, I think I might have something to contribute.
- Thank you! Great. - All right.
So, all of us in this room are immigrants.
We have come from far-off lands to this New World for a fresh start.
- And even though we're vampires... - Some of us.
...this country would not be what it is without us.
And we would not be who we are without this country.
- Mmm. Yeah. - Yes.
That's beautiful.
But lately it seems like there a lot of other immigrants
entering this great country illegally.
- Okay. - And we can not--
We don't think we wanna end on that note.
I'm just saying.
Colin, how 'bout you? What have you learned?
MAGAFV.
- Well-- - What?
MAGAFV. Make America great again for vampires.
We gotta... We need to edit that part out. And probably burn that thing.
Oh, my big boy. This really is so much simpler than you are making it.
If you really need this special ending, hello, I'm a vampire.
I can just hypnotize everyone who watches this,
and give them the ending they would find most satisfying.
How would that even work?
Like this.
You who are watching this will now see the most perfect ending
you could possibly imagine with your simple little human minds.
Honey.
Honey, wake up.
- You won't believe the dream I just had. - Mmm.
Don't you wanna hear about it?
All right, Nandor. What is it?
I was a vampire, and I lived with a bunch of other vampires
in this old house in Staten Island.
I'm happy for you. Good night.
Nothing. Nothing made sense in this place.
There was this vampire couple.
He was, like, a old-timey, British type guy.
And his wife was from this small Mediterranean island.
And she was, like, super aggressive and cleverer than me
And there was this bald guy who was, like, really boring...
but on purpose.
And you were, like, my butler or something.
Well, that settles it.
No more Japanese food before you go to bed.
Good night.
And we were all having sex with each other all the time.
Not with you, Guillermo.
Go back to sleep.
Good night, honey.
So will the hypnosis work?
Probably. Maybe.
I mean, I did use very extra powerful hypnosis.
So anyone who watches, his IQ will drop by ten to 20 points
due to the brain scramblies.
But that's the price of business, is it not?
I, uh... I actually have something I'd like to say
regarding what I've learned these past few years.
We're born into families, and-and my family wasn't... wasn't great.
But we also have our chosen families.
Uh, people who we choose to surround ourselves with.
They may not be your blood relatives
but they look out for you and you look out for them.
Mmm.
And they accept you for who you are
and lift you up when you're down.
Being here tonight with you guys makes me realize, um...
There, there.
Makes me realize how much I dearly miss my chosen family,
who all died in a steamboat accident in 1906,
leaving me with no choice but to hang out with you stinky turds.
Okay, you know what? I tried and--
No. You know what, Guillermo? You're right.
This is an important moment and it requires important words. Excuse me?
I too, like Colin Robinson, have been thinking
not just about this world but my own life.
From my humble beginnings as a foot soldier in Al Quolanudar
to my reign of terror as a great warrior,
pillaging and killing whilst riding my horse, John.
From becoming a vampire to arriving in this land of plenty.
I've lived a full life,
but there's always been something missing
and it is now that I realize what that something is:
An underground crime fighting lair
accessible only by an elevator coffin thingy.
Now, hear me out, use a lever in the coffin,
- you pull it, the floor opens up... - Okay.
- ...and the coffin... - Okay. Okay.
I'm talking here.
Well, I feel like you've only thought about this for the last two weeks.
Thank you for shitting on my dream.
- I wasn't sh-- - In fact, you know,
that's a really good name for this documentary.
Thank You For Shitting All Over My Dream.
Okay, fine. You know what?
- I'm out. - Wait. No, Guillermo.
Why don't you tell us what you've learned?
Better still, why don't you tell it in song?
Oh, yes. And you could do a little dance as well.
- Yeah, and a jig. Do a jig. - Dance, boy.
Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.
Silence! There'll be no dancing or jigging or singing.
Guillermo, you have the floor. Speak from the heart.
Okay.
I believe in you.
- Thank you. - Make it good.
- I guess-- - To the camera.
Okay.
- I guess-- - To that camera.
- I guess-- - Don't biff it.
So...
I guess I came to this house because I wanted to be a vampire.
And I became one.
Well, briefly.
It just wasn't for me, um...
But I stayed in the house.
And why did I stay?
Well... [chuckles] ...I mean, for 16 years, I was chasing this dream, you know?
- And when that dream was gone... - Shit.
...I still stayed.
My darling. What is he doing?
- I think humans like to think that... - He's fucking my bear.
- ...we have thousands of roads... - Can you make him stop?
we can choose from, right?
- I don't think I can. - We only have two, really.
- He'll stop when he's finished. - You're only always leaving home...
- If you know what I mean. - ...or you always coming back to home.
I don't mind that he's humping the bear...
What is home? I'm glad you asked.
He's making eye contact with me directly while he does it.
Home is essentially where your friends are.
- Friends... - Don't make eye contact...
You able to hear me? Is the mic gonna pick it up?
- I was talking about friends... - Guide lady, look me.
- ...who are there to build you up, you know? - Worth a try.
They are there to support you. They weren't just--
- You know, I was finding it quite... - They're there. They become a part of you.
They've made you who you are. They are your everything.
- Nice. - Thank you.
Oh, okay. I guess, they're clapping
for the Monster and whatever they did with the bear.
Guillermo, you won't believe what just happened.
The Monster fucked that bear.
Some wild and whacky stuff.
- Now he's ripped his penis off. - Oh, no.
He's handing it to The Guide, and they say romance is dead.
If Gizmo is not gonna sing...
- Cheers. - ...then I might.
Yeah. No.
I love the singsong. Wanna join?
You guys go ahead.
♪ We'll meet again ♪
♪ Don't know where ♪
♪ Don't know when ♪
Everyone, join in.
♪ But I know we'll meet again ♪
♪ Some sunny day ♪
♪ Keep smiling through ♪
♪ Just like you ♪
♪ Always do ♪
♪ Till the blue skies drive ♪
♪The dark clouds far away ♪
- Everyone except The Guide. - Yeah.
♪ So will you please say hello ♪
♪ To the folks that I know ♪
♪ Tell them it won't be long ♪
Guillermo, I was very moved by your final words of wisdom to camera.
Thank you.
To be honest, Guillermo, I was also a little sad
when they said the documentary was ending.
But after giving it a lot of thought,
I think it's a good thing that the cameras aren't filming us all the time.
Why is that?
Lots of reasons.
Such as?
You know those big lights that they use when they film us?
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes they get too hot.
And when they do, they give off a smell.
And when I smell that smell,
I think my hair is on fire.
So I definitely won't miss that.
And how about one... one of the other reasons?
Actually, you know, that's it.
- Wait. - Yes.
I think you should know that tomorrow when you wake up, I won't be here.
What even are you talking about, Guillermo?
It's time to move on.
It's been time for me to move on for quite a while now.
And with the documentary and everything ending,
I mean... [chuckles] ...what other kind of sign do I need from the universe?
So I'm going to do that.
But what about us joining forces and fighting crime in a coequal partnership?
Operating out of a hidden underground lair accessible exclusively
by a top secret coffin elevator.
Tell you what.
- Wherever I go, wherever I am, - Mm-hmm.
- I'll look at the news every night. - Hmm.
And if I ever hear of some magnificent fearsome
half-man, half-bat bringing evildoers to justice,
I'll know who that was.
Because it will be me.
Yeah. That's kinda what I meant.
Goodbye, Guillermo.
Goodbye, Master.
You can call me Nandor.
I know.
But you'll always be Master to me.
♪ We'll meet again ♪
♪ Don't know where, don't know when ♪
♪ But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day ♪
♪ Keep smilin' through ♪
♪ Just like you always do ♪
♪ Till the blue skies Drive the dark clouds far away ♪
♪ So will you please say hello ♪
♪ To the folks that I know? ♪
♪Tell them I won't be long ♪
♪ They'll be happy to know... ♪
Tail slate.
♪ That as you saw me go I was singing this...♪
Ladder.
♪ We'll meet again ♪
Right there.
♪ Don't know where, don't know when ♪
♪ But I know we'll meet again... ♪
Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.
Sorry. Sorry, guys. Sorry. Just a minute. I need to...
Hold the work.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Sorry.
Guillermo, I thought I'd never see you again.
No, I just said those things because I wanted to give the documentary an ending.
So we can commence with our crime fighting partnership?
No. I really do need to do my own thing.
But just because we don't work together, doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Friends?
Yeah.
Guillermo, I've never allowed you to do this before, but...
come and sit with me inside my coffin.
Really?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh.
To be friends would be cool. But you know what would be really cool?
What?
Are you kidding me? What? When did you do this?
- I've been working on it a while. - Well, does it work?
There's only one way to find out. Guillermo, let's roll.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪
♪ Say goodbye my baby ♪
♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪
♪ Say goodbye my baby ♪
Now before we go into the reading of the letter...
So this is a rough cut, right? You're open to notes?
Colin Robinson.
Please, finish a whole victim before moving on
to a next one, okay?
I do say that a lot, don't I?
So this is going to be on the television?
I bloody hope not.
- Well, I get the gist. - It's not hygienic!
Think I do too.