1 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,180 Fosse/Verdon. 2 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:11,011 All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX. 3 00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:15,232 ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows. 4 00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,327 He was a real spurter. 5 00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:24,894 Yeah, must have had high blood pressure. 6 00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:26,156 Should probably see a physician. 7 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,418 Well, he definitely should now. 8 00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:30,117 Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild. 9 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,554 I want to do something stupid and crazy. 10 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,339 All right. What say we retire to our bedchamber 11 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:38,342 and slip into some informal evening wear? 12 00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,910 And by that, I mean the nude. 13 00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:44,305 Oh, Laszlo. 14 00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,307 Laszlo? 15 00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,135 Shh. Look. 16 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,007 That's our new neighbor, Phil. 17 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:54,010 Digestif, my darkest princess? 18 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,360 Laszlo, we've just eaten. 19 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,796 I want to do something different. 20 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,365 Well, why don't I eat and you watch? 21 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:02,453 That's kinky. 22 00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,151 Is it? 23 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,675 Bickering like a couple of ninnies. 24 00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:09,330 I know, right? It's like, "Sheesh. We get it. 25 00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,896 You've been together for centuries." 26 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,985 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 27 00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:14,813 Those are vampires. 28 00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:16,337 You don't get to insult them. 29 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,252 -I was just... -You're not a vampire. 30 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,557 -I'm sorry, Master. -Geez. 31 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,124 I mean, come on, we get it already. 32 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,300 You've been married for centuries. 33 00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,694 Watch this. 34 00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,261 Bat. 35 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:34,572 Just get on with it, Laszlo. 36 00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,273 Come to me, Phil. 37 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,058 Submit to my dark power. 38 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,279 Submit to my dark power. 39 00:01:45,322 --> 00:01:47,368 When was the last time I felt his dark power? 40 00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,848 I say come to me, Phil. 41 00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:53,417 -I'm not staying for this. You're being very boring. -Submit to my dark power. 42 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,812 -WOMAN: Phil? I'm home. 43 00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,814 -Phil? Who are you talking to? -LASZLO: Shit. Bat! 44 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:08,867 -Oh! -NANDOR: Oh, shit. 45 00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,173 GUILLERMO: The fuck? 46 00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:11,392 BOTH: Ooh... 47 00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:16,266 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪ 48 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,660 ♪ They have no use for your song♪ 49 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:21,184 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪ 50 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,708 ♪ You're dead and out of this world♪ 51 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:28,844 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪ 52 00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:31,455 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪ 53 00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:33,979 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪ 54 00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:36,547 ♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪ 55 00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,689 -Come on. -COLIN: What's going on? 56 00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:50,213 -NANDOR: Laszlo was over at Phil's house. -COLIN: Okay. 57 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,433 NANDOR: And Phil's girlfriend hit him over the head 58 00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:53,999 -and knocked him unconscious. -COLIN: Okay. 59 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,697 NANDOR: So now we need to rescue him. 60 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,002 COLIN: Well, where's Nadja, though? 61 00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,266 NANDOR: I don't know. 62 00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:03,357 NADJA: Obviously, being in a marriage for centuries can get boring. 63 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,489 And it is in these moments of dissatisfaction 64 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:10,277 that I think about my human ex-lover, Gregor. 65 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,280 Oh, he is the most fantastic of men. 66 00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:17,109 If I did have to give one criticism, though, 67 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,286 it would be that he did accidentally get 68 00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,288 his head cut off in every life he's had. 69 00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:25,727 Such short, sweet lives. 70 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,208 Shit. Shit, shit. 71 00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:33,865 No, no, no, no, no, no. 72 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,261 AUTOMATED VOICE: Please take the ticket. 73 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,959 Holy shit. Wow. 74 00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:42,526 NADJA: He has been reincarnated again. 75 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,399 And in this life, he is called Jep... 76 00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,401 Jean. Jange. 77 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:51,753 Uh, no, it's, um, Jex. 78 00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,277 Jesh. Jenk? 79 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:57,454 It-it sounds like Jesh. 80 00:03:57,498 --> 00:03:59,674 But, no doubt, he has been reborn 81 00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,545 as another heroic figure. 82 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,112 Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no! 83 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,635 I told you guys, okay, you're not supposed 84 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,768 to come in here unless you have a car, all right? 85 00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,422 And, uh, those don't look like cars, so... 86 00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,641 You're not a cop, man. -I'm not a... 87 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,514 -You can't tell us what to do. -All right, I'm taking your name down. 88 00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:14,732 I'm taking your name down. Hey. 89 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,517 In the camouflage. I can still see you. 90 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,519 NANDOR: All right, 91 00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:21,652 one of us needs to be invited inand get Laszlo. 92 00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,437 I am nominating Guillermo, 93 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,308 because I am too foreign and you are too boring. 94 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,397 Well, Guillermo doesn't need to be invited, 95 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,181 as he's a human being. 96 00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:31,662 I would prefer to be invited in.It's more polite. 97 00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,230 Actually, it looks like it's a moot point. 98 00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,931 They've stolen Laszlo. 99 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,070 I'm not approaching him. Just going to watch. 100 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:04,391 Gregor. Gregor. 101 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:07,916 He's not answering, 'cause that-that is not his name. 102 00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:10,135 Jesk. 103 00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,617 Hey. Wow. 104 00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,577 What a wonderful shock it is to see you here. 105 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,579 -Yes. -Do you think maybe 106 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:21,495 you could let me into your shelter of automobiles? 107 00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,061 What? 108 00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:25,977 Oh, uh, yeah. Come on in, of course. Yeah. 109 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,241 Well, how have you been? I-I didn't think 110 00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:30,504 I'd ever see you again. 111 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,462 You will always see me again. 112 00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:35,639 Okay. Uh, this is where I work. 113 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:38,381 Hence the... why I'm working here. 114 00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:39,600 -Amazing. -Yeah. 115 00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,993 You are protecting a vast empire. 116 00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:44,605 Three floors, yeah. 117 00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,607 Are the cameras with you? 118 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,087 You don't see the cameras. 119 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:52,656 Okay. Yeah. Come on in. 120 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,660 Oh, we got your birds, your rats-- people hate rats. 121 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,053 Then you got your skunks. 122 00:05:58,096 --> 00:05:59,837 We get a lot of calls for skunks. 123 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:03,058 I have to get closer to see if he's in there. 124 00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:08,629 Sounds like an owl to me. 125 00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,761 So do you keep your horses on one of the levels? 126 00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:12,589 Uh, no. There was a Jaguar in here once. 127 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,983 It's a pretty nice car.Just thought it was pretty cool. 128 00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:18,029 NADJA: I have met Gregor in many incarnations. 129 00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:21,816 Soldier, spy, wax seller, monger, 130 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:26,342 carpet monger, suitcase monger, 131 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,562 fishmonger, fly monger. 132 00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:30,564 He mongers a lot in his lives. 133 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:33,654 Your job is so complicated, Gregor. 134 00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:35,482 -Oh... -So stimulating. 135 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,484 -No. 136 00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,442 A-Again, you know, it, uh... it's "Jeff." 137 00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:40,704 Shh. 138 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,880 I have crossed oceans of time to be with you. 139 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:46,884 -I'm imagining swimming through time. -Yes... 140 00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:49,626 -But I have. -Oh, wow. 141 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,020 Well, I'm gonna get off work here, in a second. 142 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:55,589 I just got a little bit moreto do, if you want to hang out. 143 00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:58,896 Oh, it is forbidden, but ten, 15 minutes? 144 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,724 -Yes, that's great. -I will see you then. 145 00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,857 -Okay, cool. 146 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,164 NADJA: He's always got a very, very strong sexual energy 147 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,516 that calls to my sexual energy. 148 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,518 Deeply sexual. 149 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,215 That's Gregor. 150 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,611 So, our roommate, Laszlo, was knocked unconscious 151 00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:21,615 whilst in bat form by ourneighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend, 152 00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:25,967 and he's now caged and inside the animal shelter. 153 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,145 Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil, our neighbor's girlfriend. 154 00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,929 Yes. 155 00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,627 We must get him out before daybreak. 156 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,150 Well, and that's the thing 157 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,326 with these nightwalkers here, isn't it? 158 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,981 You know, a little bit of sunlight, and poof. 159 00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,374 They go up in flames. 160 00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:45,203 -I've never gone poof, but it's okay. -Not yet. 161 00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,511 The vampires are always like, : "Ooh! I'm a vampire. 162 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:51,688 I'm immortal. I'm... : whatever." 163 00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:55,779 Well, okay. Well, how about you go be immortal at brunch? 164 00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,392 NADJA: So what is the itinerary for tonight? 165 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,394 Are you going to punish your worst enemy? 166 00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,396 Embarrass him in front of his elders? 167 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,573 -Oh, uh... -Or are we going to destroy 168 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,096 the worst criminals from your village 169 00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,445 and I will help? 170 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,925 Wait, in Staten Island? 171 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,623 How about find some red witchesand cut their feet off? 172 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,625 We could go to the carnival. 173 00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,322 I mean, they've got games there.It's pretty dope. 174 00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:18,976 It is like a freak show? 175 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,717 I don't think you're supposed to say that. 176 00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,980 We used to have a freak show in my village. 177 00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,591 We would get given one balloon 178 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,418 between all my brothers and sisters. 179 00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,725 And then we would bite at each other to get it. 180 00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,946 One year, my sister bit my brother's thigh, 181 00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:34,426 and then we sold the meat for money. 182 00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:38,648 Hello. C-Can we come in? 183 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:42,391 Excuse us, can we come into the shelter? 184 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,611 We're open till 11:00. 185 00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:47,048 -Okay, that's great. -We see that. 186 00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,659 BOTH: Can we come in? 187 00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:52,532 Yeah, come in. 188 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,449 How's your night been, guys? 189 00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,843 -It's none of your business. -What are you... What? 190 00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,802 -How's your night been? -It's been fine. 191 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,804 Okay, good. Ours has, too. 192 00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:06,850 Isn't this the one that you ate last week? 193 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,852 I didn't. I wouldn't. 194 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,247 It's locked. 195 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,815 You guys looking for the bathroom? 196 00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,251 I need to do a two. 197 00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:19,384 It's right behind you, man. That door. 198 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,822 -Wait. Where are you going? 199 00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,954 They're not happy tonight, Bobby. 200 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,304 -Yeah, what's up? -Oh, I brought in a bat. 201 00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:28,176 -BOBBY: Okay. -A little fella, you got to see this guy. 202 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,787 -Look at his face. -: Yeah. 203 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,094 BOBBY: This guy looks like a little English guy. 204 00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,835 KAREN: Yeah, he's a little, little British chap. 205 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,619 Wait, wait, wait, let me blow him up there. Look at... 206 00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,665 -You see something? You see something? -No way. 207 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:42,451 -That is a bat's erect penis on that screen. -Laszlo's. 208 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:45,410 -Okay. -We're gonna have to get him a little rabies shot. 209 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,849 I want you to bring me the strange bat with the erection. 210 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,242 Wait, hang on a second. Can you imagine him 211 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:54,419 with that little British top hat, like, "Whoo..." 212 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,769 -Like a little explorer. -I don't think that worked. 213 00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:58,249 -I know. -Not so hot at hypnotism, huh? 214 00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,470 I'm fine at hypnotism; it's justyou can't hypnotize a subject 215 00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:02,863 that doesn't want to do something 216 00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,865 that you want them to do. 217 00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,084 If the only time you can hypnotize someone 218 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:11,480 is when you have them do something they want to do, 219 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,308 then it's not really hypnotism,is it? 220 00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,921 Wait a minute, can we help you guys? 221 00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:21,533 Uh, yeah. We're actually lookingfor a lost pet. 222 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:22,926 -Oh. Okay. -Okay. 223 00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:26,060 -What kind of pet is it? -A normal one. 224 00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:27,844 Like, a bat. 225 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,672 Oh, now, bats are illegal. 226 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,500 He said "cat," ma'am. 227 00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,023 Well, if you have any sort of missing animal, 228 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,808 then you just need to fill out the required paperwork, 229 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,592 and then we'll go have a look in the back for you. 230 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,985 Fine. 231 00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,384 NADJA: Gregor doesn't know I am not human 232 00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:49,039 and I cannot do certain things, like eat human food. 233 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,172 Hey. I got us some popcorn. 234 00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,304 What is it? 235 00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:55,698 Popcorn? You've never had popcorn? 236 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,917 -You're gonna love it. Here, try it. -Oh. 237 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,614 -Just try one piece. -Oh, I'm-I'm... No, I... 238 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,747 -No, just come on, just... -Ooh, wait a minute. 239 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,705 Got it? No, just... let me put it in your mouth. 240 00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:03,880 -If you just... 241 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,839 If it touches your tongue, it'll stay. 242 00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,188 It sticks to your tongue. 243 00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:08,755 That's what's kind of fun about it. 244 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,800 There you go. Yeah. 245 00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:13,890 Mm. Hmm. 246 00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,727 Mm. That was so nice. 247 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,816 -Yeah. -Hey, do you want more? 248 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,557 -Oh, no. I'm-I'm okay. -I got a whole bucket. 249 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,864 No! No. No. 250 00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:34,345 Okay, so the ASBN-119 I need, but... 251 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:37,784 MA-553 is of no use to me whatsoever, correct? 252 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:39,437 Uh, exactly. 253 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:43,790 : I'm trying to find an open window. 254 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,053 I think I found one. 255 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,149 Laszlo. 256 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,585 There you are. 257 00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,848 I've come to rescue you. 258 00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:16,561 Gregor. It is your beloved weapon. 259 00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,999 You are the master archer. 260 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,045 Yeah. I... I am pretty good at this in VR. 261 00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:25,135 Behold the great Gregor the archer. 262 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,658 It's Jeff. 263 00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:29,966 Bring this place to its knees. 264 00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,708 Oh, shit. 265 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,189 Imagine it is a horde of Turkish. 266 00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:37,234 -Horde of what? -: Kill them. 267 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,283 I kind of suck at this. I don't know. 268 00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:44,241 What has happened to you? 269 00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,896 Stupid. 270 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,942 NANDOR: We are out, we are out, we are out. 271 00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,944 -Here. Guillermo. 272 00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:53,947 : This is the third animal shelter I visited. 273 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,687 -We did it? -NANDOR: Yes, yes, yes. 274 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,821 Laszlo, you are free now. 275 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,432 -So be free. 276 00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,654 -Oh... -You're welcome. 277 00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:08,178 -Yeah. -Fucking guy. 278 00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:10,224 Are you guys sure it was him? 279 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:17,492 Where the fuck am I? 280 00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:20,060 I say! 281 00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,757 Release me. 282 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,326 So, what just happened is that Nandor took a bat 283 00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,545 that was being treated here, 284 00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:30,853 and he just rereleased it into the wild. 285 00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,724 Uh, a sick, sick bat. 286 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,857 Do you think I might have rabies now? 287 00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:38,426 -Possible. -Not now, Guillermo. 288 00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,081 JEFF: I just don't know how it's my responsibility to pay 289 00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:42,909 for both Internet and cable. When you have a roommate, 290 00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,693 you're supposed to kind of spliteverything down the middle. 291 00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,652 -This is a misery for my ears. -I know, I just... 292 00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,699 -Nice outfit, freak. - Goth sucks. 293 00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,006 You mustn't kill them, please. 294 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:56,923 -Oh, no, I wasn't gonna do anything. -Really? Huh. 295 00:13:56,966 --> 00:14:00,013 Yeah. I... you know, I see a lotof this as a security guard, 296 00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,405 and the best way to handle this... 297 00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,061 RECORDED VOICE: Congratulations. We have a winner! 298 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,803 -What happened?-He was playing the game wrong. 299 00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,503 I cannot believe how boring Gregor has become. 300 00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,549 In every other past life, he was so exhilarating. 301 00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,116 Such a maverick. 302 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,900 You know, when he was a washer woman, 303 00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:21,121 he would pour dirty old mop juice all over my body 304 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:23,123 and rub it into me while he ravished me. 305 00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,299 -When he was a wild horse... 306 00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,997 I rode him naked all throughout the countryside. 307 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,956 But this version of Gregor? 308 00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,175 It is a boring disgrace. 309 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:36,092 And you know what? It's becausethey named him Jeps. Jeff. 310 00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,268 Wow, you were really good at ring toss. 311 00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:40,314 -I had so much fun tonight. -I cannot take this. 312 00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,924 I cannot take how boring you have become. 313 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,274 How are you supposed to be a strong, 314 00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,755 thrilling, powerful warrior and lover 315 00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,409 with a name like Jeff? 316 00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,193 It is like a weak ejaculation. 317 00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,152 -Okay. 318 00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,631 -Jeff. -Okay, all right, all right. 319 00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:56,591 You know what? You're being really rude to me 320 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:59,768 and my Uncle Jeff, but also Grandpa Jeff, 321 00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:02,205 -and that's where I draw the line. -Go back. 322 00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:03,815 Remember. 323 00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,861 Remember who you are. 324 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,819 Ah... 325 00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:16,437 I am standing on the crest of a hill. 326 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,135 Atop the Carpathian Mountains. 327 00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:22,225 -I am victorious from battle. 328 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,750 But I am punctured... 329 00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,188 by many arrow. 330 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,233 Yet I survive. 331 00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,193 I must survive... 332 00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,978 to see my lover. 333 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,588 Nadja. 334 00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:41,070 Love... will get me through. 335 00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,769 Desire... will fuel my journey. 336 00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,249 Oh, Gregor... 337 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:48,773 -it is you. -Hark. 338 00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,211 A rider approaches. 339 00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,430 He is wielding a sword. 340 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,258 It comes towards me, 341 00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,130 -aiming directly for my hea... 342 00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,175 Oh, next life. 343 00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:02,962 Be down in a minute, sire. 344 00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,877 This mop... 345 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:09,794 It is as full of water as I am desire. 346 00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,013 -I want to, but I mustn't. 347 00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,233 -No, you can. -No, he will hear. 348 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,061 Just one little kiss with our lips. 349 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:17,237 -He will be so angry.-Just stick our mouths together. 350 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,458 - Oh, no, sir, not my head. -Next! 351 00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:36,256 Silence, my four-legged friends. 352 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:39,259 I sense you are angry tonight. 353 00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,261 And with good reason. 354 00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,045 For we have been imprisoned. 355 00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,047 -Yes, without trial. 356 00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,703 Now is the time to hoist our oars 357 00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:51,314 and row towards freedom. 358 00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,055 Agreed? 359 00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,101 -Thank you. 360 00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,233 Now, I'm assuming 361 00:16:57,277 --> 00:17:01,455 that there is a cat in the cage to my right. 362 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,500 -Excellent. 363 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:07,200 You will succumb to my dark power, 364 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,854 and you will undo your latch 365 00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,292 -and free me. 366 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:15,164 Loosen your latch and free me. 367 00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:16,905 -KAREN: All right... -Succumb... Shit. 368 00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,212 -Bat. -Here you go. 369 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,128 Over here. You know your spot. 370 00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:23,912 There you go. 371 00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,262 Home, sweet home. 372 00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,090 Be good. 373 00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,136 All right. Night, fellas. 374 00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:34,227 Woof, woof. 375 00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,099 -Nandor? Is that you? -Yes. 376 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,146 I turned myself into a dog to come and rescue you. 377 00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:43,105 Hang on a second-- you turned yourself into a dog 378 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:46,195 -in a place that imprisons dogs?-I just thought I'd be 379 00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,457 a bit creative and come and rescue you. 380 00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:49,372 You don't want me to rescue you,I can go again. 381 00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,157 And tell me how you do that. 382 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,375 You're locked in a fucking cage. 383 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,985 Oh... 384 00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,379 What's Nadja gonna say? Where is she? 385 00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,164 Uh... 386 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,168 -OFFICER: No! Stop! 387 00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:05,388 -Stop! -My Gregor, yes! 388 00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,521 OFFICER: Come on! 389 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,221 Hey, not-a-cop. 390 00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,141 Whoa, whoa. Holy shit. 391 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,860 -Yes. -We have defeated time itself. 392 00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:44,297 We have been drawn together. 393 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,386 -Let's make love right now. 394 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,431 -Right here? -Yeah, here. 395 00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,173 Right here on the dirty ground in this filthy parking lot. 396 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,219 Oh, I was hoping you would say that. 397 00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,308 -Yeah. -Oh... 398 00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:57,788 Oh, God. You want to get that? Do you need to get that? 399 00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,355 Hello? 400 00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:01,270 Hello, Guillermo. 401 00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:03,446 Yeah, I see. 402 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,318 He did what? 403 00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,842 I'm... Okay, yeah. Yeah. 404 00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,626 Yeah, yeah, okay. Bye-bye. 405 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,411 Bye. Okay. Yeah. 406 00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:12,977 Sorry, I have to leave. 407 00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,457 -Stay with me. -I know. 408 00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:16,459 Let's make animalistic, freaky sex right now. 409 00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,809 No, but somebody else needs me 410 00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:22,465 in a much less erotic way,but, you know, it is what it is. 411 00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,902 But I've died for you, Nadja. I've seen it. 412 00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,991 These visions are enough to drive a man to madness. 413 00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:29,037 Oh, it was only one time you died for me. 414 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,343 The other times were just accidents. 415 00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,040 A few hours ago, my life was normal, 416 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,085 and now everything I thought I knew was real 417 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,652 has turned out to be an illusion. 418 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,437 I'm married with a husband. Farewell. 419 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,309 -No, no, Nadja. Nadja. Nadja! 420 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,445 Oh, my God! 421 00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:48,056 - Nadja?! 422 00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:50,493 COLIN: And, like, I've also noticed that some dogs 423 00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:51,886 are really, really big, and other dogs 424 00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:53,366 -are really small... 425 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:54,367 Oh, thank God. 426 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:57,326 -Sorry. Thank goodness. 427 00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:59,241 -Laszlo and Nandor are in cages inside. 428 00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,722 -Please come in, ma'am. 429 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,333 Thank you. 430 00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:06,030 What is the code for your door? 431 00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,076 1-2-3-4-5. 432 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,035 -That's the code for the door? -Uh-huh. 433 00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,734 Humans, I can't... 434 00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,693 Yay, it's Nadja. 435 00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,521 Hello, my darling. What are you doing here? 436 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,176 -I've come to help you out of the cage. -Absolutely no need. 437 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,134 -Mr. Cat next door... 438 00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,920 ...I was in the process of hypnotizing him. 439 00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,487 I was moments away from escaping. 440 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,271 I don't know why you bothered coming. 441 00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,318 Sh-Shit. 442 00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,710 I've got to free my fellow inmates. 443 00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:35,277 I made a gentleman's promise. 444 00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,757 OFFICER: Well, the suspect stated 445 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,716 that he is an ancient warrior who's been reborn anew, 446 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,762 -et cetera, et cetera. -JEFF : That's all the truth! 447 00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:44,286 You can ask my ex-- we were together ages ago. 448 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,332 She turned into a pile of rats. 449 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,334 Okay, buddy. I'll just ask the pile of rats. 450 00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,205 I am Gregor! 451 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,729 Victor of many battles. 452 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:55,428 I am cleaning lady! 453 00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,911 -Run and be free, my comrade. 454 00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,435 -What the fuck? 455 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,224 Still no thank-you? 456 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,792 Release your claws, you ungrateful bastards. 457 00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:15,839 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 458 00:22:12,548 --> 00:22:15,029 ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows. 459 00:22:15,072 --> 00:22:17,379 -All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX. 460 00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,817 MAN: Five, six, seven, eight. 461 00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:23,429 -He's a wonderful teacher. -Boom-chicka-boom. 462 00:22:23,472 --> 00:22:25,256 Well, you have taught him plenty. 463 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,476 When do I find out if I got the part or not? 464 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,435 You got the part when you walked in the door. 465 00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:30,784 ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. 466 00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:33,569 All new, Tuesday at 10:00, only on FX. 467 00:22:35,615 --> 00:22:39,270 Okay, Tracy Cromwell. What's your address and date of birth? 468 00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:42,665 Mom. No one ever asks for it. 469 00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:43,884 I just... 470 00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:49,498 Slut bucket. 471 00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:52,196 ANNOUNCER: Better Things. 472 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,111 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.