1 00:00:03,951 --> 00:00:06,155 (indistinct chatter) 2 00:00:06,189 --> 00:00:07,559 NADJA: Our work on converting the Vampiric Council 3 00:00:07,592 --> 00:00:08,728 into a vampire nightclub 4 00:00:08,761 --> 00:00:11,600 is not going well. 5 00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:14,472 Stop the work! Stop the work! 6 00:00:14,506 --> 00:00:15,808 NADJA: The custodian of this 7 00:00:15,842 --> 00:00:17,779 wonderful raw space is being something 8 00:00:17,812 --> 00:00:20,718 of a total harpy in my ass. 9 00:00:20,752 --> 00:00:23,323 Continue the work. Continue the work. 10 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:25,093 Ignore her, keep working. 11 00:00:25,127 --> 00:00:27,131 My voice reigns supreme. 12 00:00:27,164 --> 00:00:29,101 I have been in charge of this sacred reliquary 13 00:00:29,135 --> 00:00:30,437 for hundreds of years. 14 00:00:30,470 --> 00:00:32,676 You can't just dismantle it all. 15 00:00:32,709 --> 00:00:35,748 NADJA: We're not dismantling anything, we're just moving things around. 16 00:00:35,782 --> 00:00:39,088 -Oh. -There is a very specific filing system here. 17 00:00:39,121 --> 00:00:42,428 -Which is? -Which is everything stays exactly where it is 18 00:00:42,461 --> 00:00:44,298 and nothing gets moved or changed ever. 19 00:00:44,332 --> 00:00:45,602 Are you sure you don't want to protect 20 00:00:45,635 --> 00:00:47,104 your precious books by putting them 21 00:00:47,137 --> 00:00:48,473 into storage so they don't get damaged 22 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,578 by my blood sprinklers? 23 00:00:50,612 --> 00:00:52,448 Blood sprinklers? 24 00:00:52,481 --> 00:00:54,820 No, no, no. This is not right. Put it all back. 25 00:00:54,853 --> 00:00:56,422 You can get fucked. This took hours. 26 00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,594 Oh, I wasn't talking to you. 27 00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,332 LASZLO: What the fuck? 28 00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:02,802 NADJA: Fucking wraiths. 29 00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:10,083 Anything you can do, my wraiths can undo. 30 00:01:10,117 --> 00:01:13,491 This conversation is over. 31 00:01:13,524 --> 00:01:15,628 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 32 00:01:15,662 --> 00:01:18,233 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 33 00:01:18,266 --> 00:01:20,638 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 34 00:01:20,672 --> 00:01:23,376 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 35 00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:26,316 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 36 00:01:27,752 --> 00:01:30,792 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 37 00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:33,564 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 38 00:01:33,598 --> 00:01:35,835 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 39 00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:38,574 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 40 00:01:38,608 --> 00:01:40,377 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:48,226 --> 00:01:49,796 (barks) 42 00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:52,836 -Cute. (chuckles) -Which one's yours? 43 00:01:53,871 --> 00:01:56,409 I do not own a dog. 44 00:01:56,442 --> 00:02:00,518 -I only come here to speak to you. -Oh. 45 00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:02,522 NANDOR: My search for a new wife has... 46 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,593 not been going so great. 47 00:02:04,626 --> 00:02:08,534 I used to have 37 beautiful wives. 48 00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,404 But that was hundreds of years ago. 49 00:02:10,437 --> 00:02:12,308 Now I have no one. 50 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,378 But I have a plan. 51 00:02:16,182 --> 00:02:20,591 I secretly smuggled back 850 pounds of ancestral treasure 52 00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:22,662 from Al Qolnidar. 53 00:02:22,696 --> 00:02:24,533 I thought my ancestral treasure 54 00:02:24,566 --> 00:02:27,338 would make a very impressive dowry. 55 00:02:27,371 --> 00:02:29,342 But it seems, 56 00:02:29,375 --> 00:02:33,450 for modern women, it's just not enough. 57 00:02:33,483 --> 00:02:35,354 I am not a creep. 58 00:02:35,387 --> 00:02:37,559 I'm just a very powerful and ancient warrior 59 00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:39,496 who wishes to marry you. 60 00:02:39,529 --> 00:02:42,769 So I'd like you to come back to the basement of my mansion 61 00:02:42,802 --> 00:02:45,808 and examine my massive dowry. 62 00:02:45,842 --> 00:02:46,844 Hmm? 63 00:02:46,877 --> 00:02:48,614 So, here I am, 64 00:02:48,647 --> 00:02:52,622 surrounded by all my secret treasures 65 00:02:52,655 --> 00:02:55,828 but without a wife to share them with. 66 00:02:55,862 --> 00:02:59,235 And, yes, I have kept my secret treasure secret 67 00:02:59,268 --> 00:03:01,907 from even my housemates. 68 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,746 No one will ever know the precious riches 69 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:06,282 -that I have hidden deep... -GUILLERMO: Master? 70 00:03:06,315 --> 00:03:07,719 What the fuck? Guillermo? 71 00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:10,457 How did you get in here? The door was locked. 72 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,495 Wh-- How long have you had this secret room for? 73 00:03:12,529 --> 00:03:15,267 Whoa. Look at all this stuff. Is this stuff real? 74 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:16,837 Sure, just come on down to my secret treasure room, 75 00:03:16,870 --> 00:03:18,273 why don't you? Don't touch that. 76 00:03:18,306 --> 00:03:19,643 -Ow. -Of course it's real. 77 00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:21,580 The aggravations are endless. 78 00:03:21,613 --> 00:03:24,986 I am paying a full crew of workermen to do nothing. 79 00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:27,525 -You know what I think this stairway needs, Tobe? -What's that? 80 00:03:27,559 --> 00:03:29,428 Hey, I bet they do a shiplap accent wall. 81 00:03:29,462 --> 00:03:31,432 -Watch. -...a shiplap accent wall. 82 00:03:31,466 --> 00:03:34,238 Man, come on, these guys have, like, two go-to moves at best. 83 00:03:34,271 --> 00:03:35,908 No, that's where you're fucking wrong. 84 00:03:35,942 --> 00:03:38,313 Bran and Toby choose to use shiplap 85 00:03:38,346 --> 00:03:41,319 because it has the perfect amount of artistic flair 86 00:03:41,352 --> 00:03:42,789 for any aesthetic. 87 00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,659 Also, not a budget-buster. 88 00:03:44,693 --> 00:03:46,563 Did you want to do shiplap on this wall? 89 00:03:46,597 --> 00:03:48,634 -Where? -Just, like, right over here? 90 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,538 Well, if you've got some. 91 00:03:50,571 --> 00:03:53,309 Every time I persuade the workermen to work, 92 00:03:53,343 --> 00:03:55,915 The Guide and her wraiths undermine me. 93 00:03:55,948 --> 00:03:57,652 -Hey. Hey! -Whoa, whoa! 94 00:03:57,685 --> 00:03:59,856 (Nadja groans) 95 00:03:59,890 --> 00:04:03,564 I told Nadja it wasn't safe for her crew to be working here, 96 00:04:03,597 --> 00:04:05,968 but she doesn't listen. 97 00:04:06,002 --> 00:04:07,972 (worker screams) 98 00:04:08,006 --> 00:04:10,410 I have tried using the carrot, as one does 99 00:04:10,444 --> 00:04:14,686 with a stubborn donkey, but now it is time for the stick! 100 00:04:14,719 --> 00:04:16,924 I must ask you about some of the things 101 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:20,698 I overheard them saying when I was working in, um, England 102 00:04:20,731 --> 00:04:23,671 at the Supreme Vampiric Council. 103 00:04:23,704 --> 00:04:25,908 (chuckles): Oh. Did they speak about me 104 00:04:25,942 --> 00:04:27,745 and my dedicated work here? 105 00:04:27,779 --> 00:04:29,583 -I shouldn't say, no. -Oh. 106 00:04:29,616 --> 00:04:31,587 Okay, I'll tell you. 107 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:34,391 Yeah, so, some of them were definitely saying 108 00:04:34,425 --> 00:04:36,028 that they think that this branch of the Vampiric Council 109 00:04:36,062 --> 00:04:38,601 is very much stuck in time, 110 00:04:38,634 --> 00:04:41,305 and that the real estate would probably be more valuable 111 00:04:41,339 --> 00:04:45,347 if they leased it out to a... CVS Pharmacy. 112 00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:47,050 Who said that? 113 00:04:47,084 --> 00:04:49,355 The main one. 114 00:04:49,388 --> 00:04:50,558 Dark Lord Tyrantus? 115 00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,731 The Liquidator of Underlings? 116 00:04:53,764 --> 00:04:54,900 Him-- that's him. 117 00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:57,337 Uh, okay, uh... 118 00:04:57,371 --> 00:04:58,841 (softly): What do I do? 119 00:04:58,874 --> 00:05:00,578 Okay! 120 00:05:00,611 --> 00:05:02,615 Let's do this! Uh... 121 00:05:02,649 --> 00:05:05,387 Wraith meeting! Wraith meeting! 122 00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:08,092 Hey, uh, stop injuring crew workers 123 00:05:08,126 --> 00:05:10,631 -and assemble for an official wraith meeting. -(worker screams) 124 00:05:10,665 --> 00:05:11,700 All right, that's the last one. 125 00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,618 Ah, yes. 126 00:05:20,651 --> 00:05:23,924 Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar would throw herself at my feet 127 00:05:23,958 --> 00:05:26,028 if she knew I had a spoon like this. 128 00:05:26,062 --> 00:05:29,001 Well, most modern women have access to spoons already, so... 129 00:05:29,034 --> 00:05:31,038 We live in a time of miracles. 130 00:05:31,072 --> 00:05:32,909 No. 131 00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,345 What's this? 132 00:05:34,378 --> 00:05:36,517 -Oh, just a djinn lamp. -A what? 133 00:05:36,550 --> 00:05:39,388 A djinn lamp. Like in the old stories. 134 00:05:39,421 --> 00:05:42,795 You-you rub it and a magical man comes out and grants you wishes. 135 00:05:42,829 --> 00:05:45,400 Oh, a genie lamp. 136 00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:46,803 It is a djinn lamp. 137 00:05:46,837 --> 00:05:48,807 Uh, the ancient tales say it is magical, 138 00:05:48,841 --> 00:05:52,014 but like most of the ancient tales, it is all horseshit. 139 00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,485 -Well, then rub it. -I rubbed hundreds of djinn lamps 140 00:05:54,519 --> 00:05:56,690 as a child, nothing ever happened. See? 141 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:58,494 Nothing. 142 00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:00,397 Well, did you ever rub it counterclockwise? 143 00:06:00,430 --> 00:06:02,467 Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing. 144 00:06:02,502 --> 00:06:03,771 (rumbling) 145 00:06:03,804 --> 00:06:05,006 What is happening?! 146 00:06:07,077 --> 00:06:08,379 You rubbed it a hundred times and never thought 147 00:06:08,413 --> 00:06:09,683 about rubbing it the other way?! 148 00:06:09,716 --> 00:06:10,685 NANDOR: We are about to die, 149 00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:11,687 and this is what you want 150 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:12,789 your last words to be?! 151 00:06:14,926 --> 00:06:16,830 (rumbling stops) 152 00:06:16,863 --> 00:06:19,502 Okay. It stopped. 153 00:06:19,536 --> 00:06:21,807 -Hey. -Hey, yo... 154 00:06:22,842 --> 00:06:25,080 NANDOR: Oh, hey. 155 00:06:25,113 --> 00:06:26,650 Are you a djinn? 156 00:06:26,683 --> 00:06:28,052 Yes. 157 00:06:28,086 --> 00:06:29,455 You don't look like a djinn. 158 00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:31,425 -You can't say that. -I just did. 159 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,429 Thank you all for coming. 160 00:06:33,463 --> 00:06:36,570 Would you like me to explain what we require of them? 161 00:06:36,603 --> 00:06:37,972 No, I'll handle it. I'm just waiting 162 00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:39,542 for the rest of them to get here. 163 00:06:39,576 --> 00:06:40,845 I don't want to say it twice. 164 00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:43,550 -(gasps) -Um... 165 00:06:43,584 --> 00:06:46,122 I say, exactly how many wraiths are there? 166 00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:48,426 GUIDE: So, so many. And so many of them 167 00:06:48,459 --> 00:06:50,564 are habitual stragglers! 168 00:06:50,598 --> 00:06:52,434 -(laughs softly) -Mm. 169 00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,138 GUIDE: Okay, I guess they're all here. 170 00:06:54,171 --> 00:06:55,875 (clears throat) 171 00:06:55,908 --> 00:06:57,845 -Hear me, my wraiths! -WRAITHS (whispering): Yes... 172 00:06:57,879 --> 00:07:01,820 For today we embark on a new mission. 173 00:07:01,853 --> 00:07:03,857 -(wraiths whispering sibilantly) -Oh. (groans) 174 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:07,665 Now, many changes will be made to this building. 175 00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:11,439 And your duty heretoforth is to help 176 00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:13,009 the human workers... 177 00:07:13,042 --> 00:07:15,615 -Help. -...and to not harm the human workers. 178 00:07:15,648 --> 00:07:17,885 -Don't harm them. -Am I understood? 179 00:07:17,919 --> 00:07:19,623 WRAITHS: Yes... 180 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,227 All right. Now we will organize ourselves 181 00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:25,233 into work squads, and within those squads 182 00:07:25,266 --> 00:07:28,641 -we will decide who does... -Ooh, sorry, this is not the john... 183 00:07:28,674 --> 00:07:30,477 (whispering sibilantly) 184 00:07:30,511 --> 00:07:32,882 -GUIDE: Wait. -(worker screaming) 185 00:07:32,915 --> 00:07:35,755 -(crunching) -Ooh. 186 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,959 Uh, what did we just say?! 187 00:07:37,992 --> 00:07:40,831 GUIDE: Oh, no. I was worried 188 00:07:40,865 --> 00:07:42,467 about this happening. 189 00:07:42,502 --> 00:07:44,906 You see, the wraiths and I have been together 190 00:07:44,939 --> 00:07:48,514 for so long that no matter what I tell them to do, 191 00:07:48,547 --> 00:07:51,052 they know what my heart really wants. 192 00:07:51,085 --> 00:07:52,922 Well, maybe you should tell your heart to think of some... 193 00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:54,926 It's all right, my darling. I think I can deal with this. 194 00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:57,064 So, logically you're prepared 195 00:07:57,097 --> 00:07:59,001 for change, yet your inner, 196 00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:00,905 uncontrollable emotions are resisting. 197 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,842 Would I be right? 198 00:08:04,111 --> 00:08:05,280 What? 199 00:08:05,313 --> 00:08:08,086 I think can fix her. 200 00:08:08,119 --> 00:08:10,056 Psychology is considered to be 201 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,526 one of the newer sciences. 202 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,996 Isn't really new to me at all. 203 00:08:13,029 --> 00:08:14,933 In fact, I was there at its conception. 204 00:08:14,966 --> 00:08:17,739 I spent a few of my younger years with Sigmund Freud, 205 00:08:17,772 --> 00:08:20,878 while he was using cocaine and working on his theory 206 00:08:20,911 --> 00:08:22,782 that all neurosis is derived 207 00:08:22,815 --> 00:08:24,786 from what he called "hand envy." 208 00:08:24,819 --> 00:08:26,556 I remember taking a steam bath with the chap, 209 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:29,161 and my towel accidentally dropped, 210 00:08:29,194 --> 00:08:32,635 and he caught sight of my rather generous John Thomas. 211 00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:36,977 He shrieked "Eureka," and then came up with "penis envy." 212 00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:39,849 Or what I like to call "wanting of the wang." 213 00:08:39,883 --> 00:08:41,118 (puffs) 214 00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,256 So, how many wishes can you grant? 215 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:44,759 Do you wish to know? 216 00:08:44,793 --> 00:08:45,761 -No, don't... -Sure. 217 00:08:45,795 --> 00:08:47,030 Well, it's 52. 218 00:08:47,064 --> 00:08:49,636 But you just used one, so it's 51. 219 00:08:49,669 --> 00:08:51,573 -(grumbles) -Don't wish it. 220 00:08:51,606 --> 00:08:53,209 NANDOR: My first thought was, 221 00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,948 I will just wish the djinn to get me a new love. 222 00:08:55,981 --> 00:09:00,256 But then I remembered I had already found love. 223 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:03,731 I had 37 wives, and one of them, 224 00:09:03,764 --> 00:09:07,839 I specifically remember, I really loved. 225 00:09:09,843 --> 00:09:12,347 I just cannot remember which one. 226 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:14,619 -Hmm... -So, what was her name? 227 00:09:14,652 --> 00:09:16,857 It might have been a he. They weren't all women. 228 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,094 -You could do that back then? -Of course. 229 00:09:19,128 --> 00:09:20,664 Some of my wives were girl wives, 230 00:09:20,698 --> 00:09:22,200 some of them were guy wives. 231 00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:23,704 It's not that different. 232 00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:24,873 Hmm. 233 00:09:24,906 --> 00:09:26,075 I cannot remember the name, 234 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:27,678 but either he or she had 235 00:09:27,712 --> 00:09:29,281 very long, dark hair. 236 00:09:29,314 --> 00:09:31,586 28 of them had long, dark hair. 237 00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:33,957 Hmm. I want to say Becky? 238 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,126 -No. -Hmm. 239 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,030 NANDOR: How about Dalal? 240 00:09:37,063 --> 00:09:39,903 I think I remember him having a very fun handlebar mustache. 241 00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:41,873 -There were three Dalals. -Three. 242 00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:43,911 (sighs) You know what? Just bring them 243 00:09:43,944 --> 00:09:45,781 all back and we'll figure it out. 244 00:09:45,815 --> 00:09:47,150 I don't think that's the most efficient way to deal with... 245 00:09:47,184 --> 00:09:48,720 Uh, is this your wish? 246 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:51,325 Yes. This is my wish. 247 00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:55,266 I wish you to bring back all 37 of my dead wives. 248 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,770 Very well. 249 00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:57,905 (indistinct chatter nearby) 250 00:09:57,939 --> 00:09:59,609 Oh, boy. 251 00:10:02,682 --> 00:10:04,652 (exclaims) 252 00:10:04,686 --> 00:10:06,656 Greetings, my wives. 253 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,927 (rising chatter) 254 00:10:08,961 --> 00:10:10,330 Hi. 255 00:10:10,363 --> 00:10:12,635 Nandor... (speaking Farsi) 256 00:10:16,375 --> 00:10:19,081 Yes, hello to you, too, I want to say Mina? 257 00:10:19,114 --> 00:10:21,085 -(all gasping) -Miriam? 258 00:10:21,118 --> 00:10:22,955 -Zahra. -That's it. 259 00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,893 I also wish for them all to speak English. 260 00:10:24,926 --> 00:10:26,195 ...Fatemeh said you were going to return 261 00:10:26,228 --> 00:10:27,732 -when the moon was next full. -Did she? 262 00:10:27,765 --> 00:10:29,301 But we waited three full moon cycles, 263 00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:30,905 -and guess what. Nothing. -Oh, three? Sorry about that. 264 00:10:30,938 --> 00:10:32,207 Which is very disrespectful not just to me 265 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,677 -but to my father... -Let me go check 266 00:10:33,710 --> 00:10:34,679 and I'll get right back to you... 267 00:10:34,712 --> 00:10:37,350 (overlapping chatter) 268 00:10:37,384 --> 00:10:39,221 (all shouting) 269 00:10:39,254 --> 00:10:41,693 Give me one moment! Uh, everything will be normal soon. 270 00:10:41,726 --> 00:10:44,031 -How long must I stare at the...? -I don't know. 271 00:10:44,064 --> 00:10:45,968 -(pounding on door) -How long, Nandor? 272 00:10:46,001 --> 00:10:47,370 Okay, so it's definitely not her. 273 00:10:47,404 --> 00:10:49,308 Guillermo, I'm going to need you to install 274 00:10:49,341 --> 00:10:51,078 37 bunk beds in the attic. 275 00:10:51,111 --> 00:10:53,115 -(pounding on door) -MAN: Open! 276 00:10:53,149 --> 00:10:54,451 -LASZLO: Keep going. -I've been watching over 277 00:10:54,484 --> 00:10:56,990 this building for hundreds of years. 278 00:10:57,023 --> 00:11:01,031 I'm so intertwined with it, I feel any changes physically, 279 00:11:01,065 --> 00:11:02,902 in my own body. 280 00:11:02,935 --> 00:11:06,375 What, you mean, like something sexual? 281 00:11:06,408 --> 00:11:09,849 More like, if there is a brick that gets chipped, 282 00:11:09,883 --> 00:11:11,720 I get a headache. 283 00:11:11,753 --> 00:11:15,193 If the steam pipes are backed up, then I am also backed up. 284 00:11:15,226 --> 00:11:17,264 -Nothing sexy. -I'm just gonna ignore 285 00:11:17,297 --> 00:11:20,971 most of that and put that down to your female hysteria. 286 00:11:21,005 --> 00:11:23,877 -Hmm. -Moving on, the thought of changing this building, 287 00:11:23,911 --> 00:11:26,983 -how does that make you feel? -Bad. 288 00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:30,958 If anything gets changed here, something very bad will happen. 289 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:33,262 -Could you give me an example? -I just have an overpowering 290 00:11:33,296 --> 00:11:37,204 "bad things will happen" energy, and it's flowing through me. 291 00:11:37,237 --> 00:11:40,109 Do you mean a sexual sensation? 292 00:11:40,143 --> 00:11:42,414 No, it's more like, when you enter a room... 293 00:11:42,447 --> 00:11:44,852 -Keep going. -But you have to take an even amount of steps 294 00:11:44,886 --> 00:11:47,290 because the floor will be bad and then you tap the doorknob 295 00:11:47,324 --> 00:11:49,862 three times and you do it all over again. 296 00:11:49,896 --> 00:11:51,198 You know, regular stuff. 297 00:11:55,941 --> 00:11:57,277 -(grunts) -(indistinct chatter) 298 00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,452 Guillermo, now is not time for shopping. 299 00:12:01,485 --> 00:12:03,256 My wives are hungry. 300 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,961 I know. This is the Uber Eats order for your 37 wives. 301 00:12:05,995 --> 00:12:07,965 We've narrowed it down to 32 now. 302 00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:09,802 Well, what did you do with the rejects? 303 00:12:09,836 --> 00:12:10,971 Guillermo. 304 00:12:11,005 --> 00:12:12,909 Those beautiful, sensitive, 305 00:12:12,942 --> 00:12:15,781 poetic creatures are not rejects. 306 00:12:15,814 --> 00:12:17,785 They're just simply not what I'm looking for 307 00:12:17,818 --> 00:12:20,256 -at this particular juncture, so we got rid of them. -What? 308 00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:23,329 -I-I don't kill them. I just make them dead again. -Yes. 309 00:12:23,362 --> 00:12:25,466 -Isn't that killing them again? -NANDOR: No. 310 00:12:25,501 --> 00:12:27,939 He re-deads them. But in a nice way. 311 00:12:27,972 --> 00:12:29,976 And they go to paradise, don't they? 312 00:12:30,009 --> 00:12:31,412 Sure. 313 00:12:31,445 --> 00:12:33,416 We even came up with a nice way of doing it. 314 00:12:33,449 --> 00:12:36,422 My sweet Nandor said I'm supposed to ask you 315 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,459 for a special gold coin? 316 00:12:38,493 --> 00:12:41,065 -(laughs) -Ah, yes. 317 00:12:41,098 --> 00:12:43,069 Come, come. 318 00:12:43,102 --> 00:12:44,539 NANDOR: So they never see it coming. 319 00:12:44,572 --> 00:12:46,876 And there is no sadness or tears. 320 00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:48,112 That sounds like murder. 321 00:12:48,145 --> 00:12:50,183 I'll pretend I didn't hear that. 322 00:12:52,253 --> 00:12:55,093 But, you know, this isn't just a job to me. 323 00:12:55,126 --> 00:12:57,898 You know, I'm not clocking in and clocking out. 324 00:12:57,932 --> 00:12:59,969 -This is who I am. -Right. 325 00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:01,840 And if you don't mind me asking, 326 00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:04,912 who were you before... this? 327 00:13:04,946 --> 00:13:07,518 Well, I was, um... 328 00:13:07,551 --> 00:13:09,421 a... 329 00:13:09,454 --> 00:13:11,392 Well, I... 330 00:13:11,425 --> 00:13:12,862 I can't remember. 331 00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:14,097 You've no idea, have you? 332 00:13:14,131 --> 00:13:15,834 I have no idea. 333 00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,370 Well, that is fascinating. 334 00:13:17,404 --> 00:13:18,974 And if you will allow me, 335 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,243 I have a technique 336 00:13:20,276 --> 00:13:22,548 that could retrieve that lost memory. 337 00:13:22,581 --> 00:13:23,850 Will it hurt? 338 00:13:23,884 --> 00:13:25,286 Maybe. 339 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,894 My dear Roshni, I thought we'd do a little quiz. 340 00:13:28,927 --> 00:13:31,465 "34 Questions That Lead to Love." 341 00:13:31,499 --> 00:13:33,169 -(chuckles) -Question one, 342 00:13:33,202 --> 00:13:36,141 "if you could choose anyone in the world, 343 00:13:36,175 --> 00:13:39,281 which three people would you invite to dinner?" 344 00:13:39,314 --> 00:13:41,285 Well, for one, 345 00:13:41,318 --> 00:13:43,222 I would love to hear the Sufic poetry 346 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,861 of the great poet Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi 347 00:13:45,894 --> 00:13:47,397 directly from his own lips. 348 00:13:47,430 --> 00:13:49,535 Excellent choice. 349 00:13:49,569 --> 00:13:50,904 And next? 350 00:13:50,938 --> 00:13:52,942 I suppose my dear grandfather. 351 00:13:52,975 --> 00:13:55,446 A simple farmer but a very wise man. 352 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,317 Very nice, Roshni. 353 00:13:57,350 --> 00:13:58,887 And finally? 354 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,557 -And then perhaps... -Mm-hmm. 355 00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:01,559 Yes? 356 00:14:01,593 --> 00:14:03,029 ...Behrouz the Mighty. 357 00:14:03,062 --> 00:14:05,033 A most fearsome warrior. 358 00:14:05,066 --> 00:14:06,268 A hero. 359 00:14:07,404 --> 00:14:08,974 -Behrouz? -Yes. 360 00:14:09,007 --> 00:14:10,476 -The Mighty? -Yes. 361 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,583 Mm. 362 00:14:13,617 --> 00:14:15,253 Hi. Nandor said 363 00:14:15,286 --> 00:14:17,457 -you have a gold coin for me. -(sighs) Yes, 364 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,161 I do. 365 00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:23,069 (bell tolls) 366 00:14:23,102 --> 00:14:26,041 You're walking down the corridor of your mind. 367 00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:27,511 Can you picture it? 368 00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:29,314 -Yes. -Good. 369 00:14:29,347 --> 00:14:31,318 You walk down that corridor 370 00:14:31,351 --> 00:14:33,489 and come across an important-looking room. 371 00:14:33,523 --> 00:14:36,228 What does it say upon the door? 372 00:14:36,261 --> 00:14:38,265 "Storage." 373 00:14:38,299 --> 00:14:39,267 You open that door. 374 00:14:39,301 --> 00:14:41,071 What do you see inside? 375 00:14:41,105 --> 00:14:43,242 -Boxes. -Boxes. 376 00:14:43,275 --> 00:14:44,377 -Mm. -All right. 377 00:14:44,411 --> 00:14:46,983 You open one of the boxes. 378 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,385 What's inside? 379 00:14:48,419 --> 00:14:51,024 Some smaller boxes. 380 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,630 And each one has a label on it. 381 00:14:53,663 --> 00:14:56,068 And what does the label say? 382 00:14:56,101 --> 00:14:59,141 -"Contents: Even Smaller Boxes." -"S-Smaller Boxes." 383 00:14:59,174 --> 00:15:01,980 Yes, I thought you might say that. Let's get the fuck out. 384 00:15:02,013 --> 00:15:04,117 -MAN: Is this a bad time? -I really can't talk right now, okay? 385 00:15:04,151 --> 00:15:05,654 -All right. Yeah. -I'll call you back later. 386 00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,390 Whenever you can. I really miss you. 387 00:15:07,424 --> 00:15:08,527 Yeah... 388 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,430 I know what everyone's thinking. 389 00:15:10,463 --> 00:15:12,968 I'm gonna be super jealous of whoever Nandor's wife 390 00:15:13,002 --> 00:15:14,171 ends up being, but... 391 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,175 I'm really not. 392 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,379 I just want him to be happy. 393 00:15:18,412 --> 00:15:20,116 And... 394 00:15:20,149 --> 00:15:22,120 I'm in a very good place right now. 395 00:15:22,153 --> 00:15:24,458 As far as that's concerned. 396 00:15:24,492 --> 00:15:26,696 Because... 397 00:15:26,729 --> 00:15:29,234 that's all I will say about that. 398 00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,409 -All right. Special delivery. -(chattering) 399 00:15:33,442 --> 00:15:35,246 Got some dresses 400 00:15:35,279 --> 00:15:36,983 -and shirts and all the... -I was going to make Nandor 401 00:15:37,016 --> 00:15:39,321 a shank of lamb-- do you know if he likes lamb? 402 00:15:39,354 --> 00:15:41,593 -Um, I don't think he's really into lamb, actually. -DARYA: Hey. 403 00:15:41,626 --> 00:15:43,697 -Can you take this infant away from me? -No... 404 00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:45,667 -He is exhausting me. -Okay, 405 00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:47,203 maybe in a second, Darya. 406 00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:48,540 Kind of have my hands full here, all right? 407 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,042 Wow. It is so great to have a nice, 408 00:15:50,076 --> 00:15:51,679 nonthreatening male to talk to. 409 00:15:51,713 --> 00:15:53,149 -Okay. -DARYA: Isn't it? 410 00:15:53,182 --> 00:15:54,484 What is your name, eunuch? 411 00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:56,088 Well, it's Guillermo, 412 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,490 and I'm not a eunuch, so... 413 00:15:57,525 --> 00:15:59,595 -DARYA: Close enough. -Cover yourself up. 414 00:15:59,629 --> 00:16:03,537 LASZLO: Continuing down the corridor of your mind, 415 00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:06,208 -what do you see? -Someone needs to clean it up. 416 00:16:06,241 --> 00:16:09,014 All right, apart from that, do you see a door? 417 00:16:09,047 --> 00:16:12,220 -Many doors. -Can you tell me what they say? 418 00:16:12,253 --> 00:16:14,291 -"Conversation Starters." -All right. 419 00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:16,563 Uh, "Favorite Looks Casual." 420 00:16:16,596 --> 00:16:18,232 "Favorite Looks Formal." 421 00:16:18,265 --> 00:16:20,069 "Shame-- Do Not Open." 422 00:16:20,102 --> 00:16:21,438 Uh, "Box Storage Number Two." 423 00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:23,643 That might be a good one to get into. 424 00:16:23,677 --> 00:16:25,213 Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Back up a second. 425 00:16:25,246 --> 00:16:26,716 Did you just say "Shame"? 426 00:16:26,749 --> 00:16:28,185 Let's go in there, have a bit of a poke around. 427 00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:29,722 -The "Shame" door? -Please. 428 00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,091 Says "Do Not Open." 429 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,360 Well, fuck that. Just give it a... 430 00:16:32,393 --> 00:16:33,497 give it a hard push. 431 00:16:33,530 --> 00:16:35,166 (grunts) 432 00:16:35,199 --> 00:16:36,335 Nope. 433 00:16:36,368 --> 00:16:38,305 -It's not budging. -Right. Ah! 434 00:16:38,339 --> 00:16:39,341 What's that I hear? 435 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,476 The footsteps 436 00:16:40,511 --> 00:16:42,313 of somebody strong and powerful 437 00:16:42,347 --> 00:16:45,186 coming down the corridor of your mind to help you. 438 00:16:45,219 --> 00:16:47,056 Do you see that person? 439 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,693 -Yes. -Who is he? 440 00:16:49,629 --> 00:16:51,231 It's Guillermo. 441 00:16:51,265 --> 00:16:53,603 No, no, I said somebody strong and powerful. 442 00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,273 Do you see that person? 443 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:56,609 -Yes, that's Guillermo. (chuckles) -Really? 444 00:16:56,643 --> 00:16:58,379 Well, he's naked. 445 00:16:58,412 --> 00:17:00,216 -Hello, Guillermo. -Uh, just get him to open the door. 446 00:17:00,249 --> 00:17:02,621 -He's naked. -Can he open the door? 447 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,224 He's trying, 448 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,596 but his hands keep slipping off the doorknob 449 00:17:06,629 --> 00:17:09,602 due to the oil that he used to glisten up 450 00:17:09,635 --> 00:17:11,371 his naked body. 451 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:14,077 Right. You know what? I think I might take a break. 452 00:17:14,110 --> 00:17:15,213 (inhales deeply) 453 00:17:15,246 --> 00:17:16,616 DJINN: Nandor's process 454 00:17:16,649 --> 00:17:18,385 is, uh... 455 00:17:18,419 --> 00:17:19,387 well... 456 00:17:19,421 --> 00:17:22,093 (growling) 457 00:17:22,126 --> 00:17:24,498 You have an impressive and powerful physique, Kublai. 458 00:17:24,532 --> 00:17:27,270 -(grunts) -I cannot wait to explore it. 459 00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:30,109 (chuckles) But I'm afraid... 460 00:17:30,142 --> 00:17:31,646 I am stronger. 461 00:17:31,679 --> 00:17:33,382 -Even a very strong man like you... -(growls) 462 00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:35,119 ...won't want to step on that nail. 463 00:17:35,152 --> 00:17:37,123 -Nail? (groans loudly) -(grunts) 464 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:38,425 (groans) 465 00:17:38,459 --> 00:17:40,229 Ah! 466 00:17:40,263 --> 00:17:41,766 You win, Kublai. 467 00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:44,437 I may not remember my beloved's name. 468 00:17:44,471 --> 00:17:48,245 As your prize, you get a very special gold coin. 469 00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:51,786 But I do remember that they never beat me at anything. 470 00:17:51,819 --> 00:17:54,124 Fucking Kublai. 471 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,393 Okay, first things first, I'd say 472 00:17:55,426 --> 00:17:57,263 the two Dalals are definitely out. 473 00:17:57,297 --> 00:17:59,669 They were humble and an excellent listener. 474 00:17:59,702 --> 00:18:01,806 My sister, when she was being courted by her husband... 475 00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:03,877 Well, he didn't end up actually becoming her husband. 476 00:18:03,910 --> 00:18:06,448 -Mm-hmm. -We were all certain they were to be wed, you know? 477 00:18:06,481 --> 00:18:09,722 I'd forgotten how many wonderful stories you have to tell, Mina. 478 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,191 But he was also, like, a... 479 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,460 NANDOR: The love of my life 480 00:18:12,494 --> 00:18:13,530 was not petty 481 00:18:13,563 --> 00:18:14,799 or slovenly 482 00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,268 or vain. 483 00:18:16,301 --> 00:18:17,403 -Saddle up! -Or manipulative. 484 00:18:17,437 --> 00:18:19,140 He's a naughty boy. 485 00:18:19,174 --> 00:18:21,646 They never asked me to shave off my beard. 486 00:18:23,482 --> 00:18:24,619 Okay, she's a maybe. 487 00:18:24,652 --> 00:18:26,355 This guy I don't trust. This one 488 00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:28,192 never learned to read. I like her, 489 00:18:28,225 --> 00:18:30,564 but she's so much smarter than me, so... 490 00:18:30,597 --> 00:18:31,833 see ya! 491 00:18:32,968 --> 00:18:35,741 They were warm and wanted to be with me. 492 00:18:35,774 --> 00:18:37,845 You know, Behrouz the Mighty, 493 00:18:37,878 --> 00:18:40,617 all of his fearsome shit was actually done by other guys. 494 00:18:40,651 --> 00:18:42,621 My heart's desire was kind 495 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,457 and a good haggler. 496 00:18:44,492 --> 00:18:46,696 They never borrowed my boots without asking me. 497 00:18:46,729 --> 00:18:49,301 They were merciful. 498 00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:50,436 And horny. 499 00:18:50,469 --> 00:18:53,442 And this, my dear Ramy, 500 00:18:53,475 --> 00:18:55,580 is where the magic happens. 501 00:18:55,614 --> 00:18:56,883 Shall we? 502 00:18:56,916 --> 00:18:59,254 Could I get one of those gold coins now? 503 00:18:59,287 --> 00:19:02,193 My beloved had a sense of spontaneity and fun. 504 00:19:02,226 --> 00:19:04,732 -(chuckling) -(giggles) Nandor, what are you hiding? 505 00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:06,502 -Ah! -(yelping) 506 00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:09,207 H-Hey! No, wait! Come back! 507 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,911 -Where you going?! -No. 508 00:19:10,944 --> 00:19:11,913 Come back! 509 00:19:11,946 --> 00:19:13,415 It's just a lobster! 510 00:19:13,449 --> 00:19:14,752 (yelps) Leave me alone. 511 00:19:14,785 --> 00:19:16,522 Wait! 512 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:19,260 ♪ Bu-Bu-Bu-Bublitchki. ♪ 513 00:19:19,294 --> 00:19:21,264 That was adorable. 514 00:19:21,298 --> 00:19:24,204 Nasrin! Nasrin! 515 00:19:24,237 --> 00:19:25,674 Hey! Don't be afraid! 516 00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:28,479 -Nasrin! Hey. -(shrieking) 517 00:19:28,513 --> 00:19:30,216 Where are you going?! 518 00:19:30,249 --> 00:19:32,487 Do not fear him! We are about to kill him anyway. 519 00:19:32,521 --> 00:19:35,259 -(horn honks, tires screech) -Oh! 520 00:19:35,292 --> 00:19:36,629 Shit. 521 00:19:36,662 --> 00:19:37,965 (engine idling) 522 00:19:37,998 --> 00:19:39,367 Whoops. 523 00:19:39,401 --> 00:19:40,804 Yeah, she's dead. 524 00:19:40,837 --> 00:19:42,875 -It is a process. -♪ Hey! ♪ 525 00:19:47,551 --> 00:19:48,853 GUILLERMO: You were meant to look 526 00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:50,322 You can't just let him wander off. 527 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:51,793 NANDOR: Here, boy! (whistles) 528 00:19:51,826 --> 00:19:53,496 GUILLERMO: He's not a dog. He's a child. 529 00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,232 Why are you so grumpy these days, Guillermo? 530 00:19:55,266 --> 00:19:57,236 Oh, I don't know. Maybe 'cause I'm exhausted 531 00:19:57,270 --> 00:19:59,441 from feeding and taking care of your 37 wives. 532 00:19:59,474 --> 00:20:01,411 Actually, we're down to seven now. 533 00:20:02,848 --> 00:20:05,486 -Little baby Colin! -Colin? -(pounding) 534 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,325 Oh, wow. 535 00:20:08,358 --> 00:20:10,530 This little rascal really likes 536 00:20:10,564 --> 00:20:12,400 to hammer holes in the wall, doesn't he? 537 00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:13,803 Between taking care of your wives 538 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:14,872 and making sure this poor child 539 00:20:14,905 --> 00:20:16,475 -doesn't die... -Hey! 540 00:20:16,509 --> 00:20:17,711 ...in this death trap of a house, 541 00:20:17,745 --> 00:20:19,280 I haven't slept in weeks. 542 00:20:19,314 --> 00:20:21,586 -Colin, give me the hammer. -Hey! Shit. 543 00:20:21,619 --> 00:20:23,690 Do you know that I've missed my mother's birthday party 544 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,692 three years in a row? 545 00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:26,395 No. Why would I know that? 546 00:20:26,428 --> 00:20:28,399 I would have to know that it was your mother's birthday 547 00:20:28,432 --> 00:20:29,869 and also the things you do. 548 00:20:29,902 --> 00:20:31,405 I-I really am glad that you want to find a wife, 549 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,442 and I think it's cool. I really do. 550 00:20:33,475 --> 00:20:34,712 -I'm cool with that. -Oh, good. 551 00:20:34,745 --> 00:20:36,481 I'm so glad you are "cool" with that. 552 00:20:36,516 --> 00:20:38,485 But I already have a family. And one that I don't see 553 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,423 because I spend so much time taking care of you guys, 554 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:41,692 I don't take care of myself. 555 00:20:41,726 --> 00:20:43,863 I think he has fallen asleep. 556 00:20:43,897 --> 00:20:45,466 I think your story bored him. 557 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,403 (snickering) 558 00:20:48,405 --> 00:20:49,809 Only kidding, Guillermo. 559 00:20:50,777 --> 00:20:52,346 Eesh. 560 00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:53,650 We've had a breakthrough. 561 00:20:53,683 --> 00:20:55,987 This job isn't my job. 562 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:57,758 It's my punishment. 563 00:20:57,791 --> 00:21:00,697 She'd locked away her most shameful and sordid memories 564 00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:02,634 for so long that she'd forgotten them. 565 00:21:02,668 --> 00:21:04,972 -I was a bad vampire. -Yes. 566 00:21:05,005 --> 00:21:06,642 GUIDE: I was sloppy. 567 00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:08,011 I was wild. 568 00:21:08,045 --> 00:21:10,917 I was a moth to the danger flame. 569 00:21:10,951 --> 00:21:12,754 I led the Inquisition. 570 00:21:12,788 --> 00:21:15,326 I danced the Dance of the Seven Veils. 571 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,662 (whispers): Without the veils. 572 00:21:16,696 --> 00:21:17,898 LASZLO: Top work. 573 00:21:17,931 --> 00:21:19,635 GUIDE: I was, simply put, 574 00:21:19,668 --> 00:21:21,739 -extra. -It's true. 575 00:21:21,772 --> 00:21:24,410 And we finally got to the bottom of the, uh, 576 00:21:24,444 --> 00:21:26,616 naked, glistening Guillermo business 577 00:21:26,649 --> 00:21:28,853 that's been lurking in her tawdry mind. 578 00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:31,893 Don't stop. This is getting good. 579 00:21:31,926 --> 00:21:34,464 The final straw came, 580 00:21:34,498 --> 00:21:37,771 the ultimate messiness for a vampire... 581 00:21:37,805 --> 00:21:41,011 (sighs) when I slept with a vampire killer. 582 00:21:41,044 --> 00:21:42,380 Shit. 583 00:21:42,413 --> 00:21:43,482 No. 584 00:21:43,516 --> 00:21:44,618 A Van Helsing. 585 00:21:44,652 --> 00:21:45,620 No. 586 00:21:45,654 --> 00:21:46,656 Yeah. 587 00:21:46,689 --> 00:21:48,560 I knew it was wrong 588 00:21:48,593 --> 00:21:49,895 when I did it. 589 00:21:49,929 --> 00:21:51,666 There's something about his kind-- 590 00:21:51,699 --> 00:21:54,370 the danger, the depravity. 591 00:21:54,404 --> 00:21:56,909 Will this climax be the end of my story? 592 00:21:56,943 --> 00:21:58,646 And what a way to go. 593 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,586 His fingers that could wrap around my neck. 594 00:22:01,619 --> 00:22:04,123 All right. Leave this with me. 595 00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,027 (whispering): What? Are you fucking insane? 596 00:22:06,061 --> 00:22:08,098 No. No way. 597 00:22:08,131 --> 00:22:09,768 It's every young boy's fantasy. 598 00:22:09,802 --> 00:22:11,371 What's wrong with you? It works, doesn't it? 599 00:22:11,404 --> 00:22:12,941 -As if you could do any better. -Just do it. 600 00:22:12,975 --> 00:22:14,945 Get her to stop talking about that fucking building. 601 00:22:14,979 --> 00:22:17,584 She clearly has a weakness for your kind. 602 00:22:17,618 --> 00:22:18,786 She might teach you a thing or two. 603 00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:20,456 Okay. 604 00:22:20,489 --> 00:22:22,794 If I do this, what's it worth to you? 605 00:22:22,828 --> 00:22:24,030 Name your price. 606 00:22:24,999 --> 00:22:26,602 I want to be the nightclub's accountant. 607 00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:28,405 LASZLO: Why? 608 00:22:28,438 --> 00:22:29,542 Why not? 609 00:22:29,575 --> 00:22:31,679 This makes me suspicious a little. 610 00:22:32,848 --> 00:22:34,484 Well, do you want my help or not? 611 00:22:34,518 --> 00:22:36,956 Eh. I mean, we do, so... 612 00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:38,860 -done deal. -Okay. Well. 613 00:22:38,893 --> 00:22:41,699 Yeah, I've done a lot of things for Nandor, Laszlo and Nadja 614 00:22:41,732 --> 00:22:43,068 over the years, but... 615 00:22:43,101 --> 00:22:44,605 seducing a vampire to do their bidding? 616 00:22:44,638 --> 00:22:46,408 (exhales) 617 00:22:46,441 --> 00:22:47,443 That's a new one. 618 00:22:47,476 --> 00:22:50,082 (creaking) 619 00:22:50,115 --> 00:22:52,621 Guillermo, I know why you're here. 620 00:22:52,654 --> 00:22:55,827 But the answer is no. 621 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:57,564 Oh, come on. (chuckles softly) 622 00:22:57,598 --> 00:22:59,100 Don't-don't you think a nightclub would be... 623 00:22:59,133 --> 00:23:01,606 a nice, fun change of pace for you? 624 00:23:01,639 --> 00:23:03,610 Yeah, sure. The nightclub's fine. 625 00:23:03,643 --> 00:23:05,045 I don't care about that anymore. 626 00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:06,849 -Okay, good. (chuckles) -Yeah. 627 00:23:06,882 --> 00:23:08,118 No, it is our... 628 00:23:08,151 --> 00:23:09,989 -forbidden love... -(gasps) 629 00:23:10,022 --> 00:23:12,995 ...that I must squash before it has a chance to blossom. 630 00:23:13,028 --> 00:23:14,865 Yes. 631 00:23:14,899 --> 00:23:15,967 Yeah. All right, well, 632 00:23:16,001 --> 00:23:18,438 nice doing business with you. 633 00:23:18,472 --> 00:23:19,440 I'm gonna go. 634 00:23:19,474 --> 00:23:20,944 (gasps) 635 00:23:21,879 --> 00:23:25,620 We felt a passion for each other from the moment we met, no? 636 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,793 Oops! I should have known you had Van Helsing blood in you 637 00:23:28,826 --> 00:23:32,466 when I felt that tingling in my most private of parts. 638 00:23:32,501 --> 00:23:33,736 Great. I'm gonna... 639 00:23:33,770 --> 00:23:35,607 -Ooh! Ooh! -Oh. 640 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,613 Oh, my sweet, sweet Guillermo. 641 00:23:38,646 --> 00:23:40,550 My attraction to you 642 00:23:40,583 --> 00:23:43,221 is a manifestation of a longing for my past life, 643 00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:46,461 when I was a naughty, dirty vampire. 644 00:23:46,495 --> 00:23:48,533 (cackles) 645 00:23:48,566 --> 00:23:50,670 But that's not who I am anymore. 646 00:23:50,704 --> 00:23:52,608 -(grunts, pants) -Please tell me you understand. 647 00:23:52,641 --> 00:23:54,745 -No hard feelings. -Okay. 648 00:23:54,778 --> 00:23:55,947 Now I'm gonna go, 649 00:23:55,981 --> 00:23:57,618 -and you're gonna stay. -Bye-bye. 650 00:23:57,651 --> 00:24:00,557 Guillermo, can you find it in your heart 651 00:24:00,590 --> 00:24:03,596 to be just... friends with me? 652 00:24:05,834 --> 00:24:07,036 Sure. 653 00:24:07,069 --> 00:24:08,573 I could use a friend. (chuckles) 654 00:24:08,606 --> 00:24:09,975 High five. (gasps) 655 00:24:10,009 --> 00:24:12,781 All right. Then what are we waiting for, huh?! 656 00:24:12,814 --> 00:24:14,518 -(chuckles) It's a good day. -Where'd she get that from? 657 00:24:14,551 --> 00:24:16,087 Let's get this old shit out of here 658 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,058 and make a vampire nightclub! 659 00:24:18,091 --> 00:24:19,495 -GUILLERMO: What are you gonna do with the hammer? -(whoops) 660 00:24:20,563 --> 00:24:21,565 Yeah! 661 00:24:21,599 --> 00:24:23,636 (cackles) 662 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,573 As you can see, another patient cured 663 00:24:25,607 --> 00:24:27,778 and returned to perfect mental health. 664 00:24:27,811 --> 00:24:30,784 Yes, she seems very well now, doesn't she? 665 00:24:30,817 --> 00:24:33,923 -No charge. -(cackling) 666 00:24:33,956 --> 00:24:35,192 Well done, my love. 667 00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:36,261 Indeed. 668 00:24:36,294 --> 00:24:37,831 She's gone. 669 00:24:37,864 --> 00:24:39,133 What are we left with? 670 00:24:39,167 --> 00:24:41,204 I have found the one. 671 00:24:41,237 --> 00:24:43,943 We are engaged to be wed. 672 00:24:43,976 --> 00:24:46,081 This is Marwa. 673 00:24:46,114 --> 00:24:48,553 Hello. I am Marwa of Al Qolni... 674 00:24:48,586 --> 00:24:49,955 I mean, it was obvious all along. 675 00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:51,959 You know, like, duh. 676 00:24:51,993 --> 00:24:53,663 Would you excuse me for one moment, 677 00:24:53,696 --> 00:24:54,698 please, my little pomegranate? 678 00:24:54,732 --> 00:24:55,967 Be right back. 679 00:24:56,001 --> 00:24:57,804 (clears throat) 680 00:24:57,838 --> 00:24:59,240 I was lucky enough to have the best education... 681 00:24:59,273 --> 00:25:02,547 I always imagined my wife with blonde hair. 682 00:25:02,581 --> 00:25:05,687 ...but my passion lied in science and mathematics... 683 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,726 I think I was thinking a little less platinum blonde, 684 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,730 little more, um, hint of red. 685 00:25:10,764 --> 00:25:13,101 I am most proud that my observations 686 00:25:13,135 --> 00:25:14,972 -of Jupiter and Saturn... -Hmm. 687 00:25:15,005 --> 00:25:16,307 You know what? I think 688 00:25:16,341 --> 00:25:18,579 I prefer it just as it was in the beginning. 689 00:25:18,613 --> 00:25:20,015 Using up a lot of wishes. 690 00:25:20,049 --> 00:25:22,019 Yes, I know, but let's do it. 691 00:25:22,053 --> 00:25:24,958 Nothing is too good for my perfect wife. 692 00:25:25,927 --> 00:25:29,635 I am very lucky to have a man of such intellect 693 00:25:29,668 --> 00:25:31,104 to share my life with. 694 00:25:31,137 --> 00:25:32,106 Mm. 695 00:25:32,139 --> 00:25:33,710 (chuckles) 696 00:25:33,743 --> 00:25:35,880 ♪ Bu-Bu-Bu-Bublitchki ♪ 697 00:25:35,914 --> 00:25:38,853 ♪ I promise you will be ♪ 698 00:25:38,886 --> 00:25:41,324 ♪ My only love ♪ 699 00:25:41,357 --> 00:25:44,130 ♪ So will you give to me ♪ 700 00:25:44,163 --> 00:25:46,769 ♪ All of your bublitchki ♪ 701 00:25:46,802 --> 00:25:49,307 ♪ The bu-bu-bublitchki ♪ 702 00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:52,146 ♪ I'm dreaming of ♪ 703 00:25:52,179 --> 00:25:54,685 ♪ I had a love, you see ♪ 704 00:25:54,718 --> 00:25:57,289 ♪ Who gave me bublitchki ♪ 705 00:25:57,323 --> 00:25:59,928 ♪ I fell in love with him ♪ 706 00:25:59,962 --> 00:26:02,801 ♪ But he did not ♪ 707 00:26:02,834 --> 00:26:05,205 ♪ He gave his all to me ♪ 708 00:26:05,239 --> 00:26:08,011 ♪ All of his bublitchki ♪ 709 00:26:08,044 --> 00:26:13,188 ♪ All of his bublitchki is all I got ♪ 710 00:26:13,221 --> 00:26:15,894 ♪ All of that bublitchki ♪ 711 00:26:15,927 --> 00:26:20,937 ♪ Is all I got... ♪ 712 00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:22,941 ♪ Hey! ♪ 713 00:26:22,974 --> 00:26:28,886 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org