-(clangs) -NANDOR: Huh?
Guillermo?
Guillermo!
-Boo! (chuckles) -(screams) -NADJA: The child
who clawed his way out of the abdomen
of our dead friend Colin Robinson
has reached that wild age.
-(Colin laughs) -NANDOR: That's mine. You'll take it off
-this second. -Catch me, catch me! (grunts)
-He's a very active lad. -(Colin laughs) -It feels like weeks
since I had had a good day's slumber.
Fucking little guy. (grunts)
-This ruckus never seems to end. -(Colin laughing)
He's very loud, and unlike us,
he does not sleep during the day.
Nor does he sleep during the night.
-When does he sleep? -I don't think he does. -(glass breaks)
Never a dull moment with that scalawag.
-NADJA: I'm pretty sure he must be part demon. -LASZLO: Nonsense.
He's all boy.
♪ A-well a-everybody's heard about the bird ♪
-♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word... ♪ -(playing discordant notes)
-NANDOR: We tried to distract him by buying him toys. -(Nadja hisses)
But he just breaks the toy and plays with the box.
Which he then sets on fire.
LASZLO: Ah, well, at least
he's not showing signs of being a bore
or an energy vampire.
He has a very curious
-and inquisitive mind. -GUILLERMO: Colin, no!
LASZLO: Gizmo, shut the fuck up!
We're doing a piece to camera. As I was saying,
he has a very inquisitive and curious mind.
That is just a very nice, bullshitty way of saying that
-if we leave him unsupervised for even one moment... -GUILLERMO: Colin, no! No!
...he runs down to the bloody flooded basement
and wreaks havoc.
For no good reason at all.
-(Colin grunts) -GUILLERMO: Colin, no!
-(Colin laughs) -Colin! -LASZO: No,
I think there's method in his madness.
-(thudding) -What we're seeing
are the early, tentative explorations
of maybe a sculptor
-or an architect. -Or a psychopath.
-(glass breaks) -GUILLERMO: He's got a weapon! -Maybe it's...
-(Colin shouts) -He's got a weapon!
-Whoa! -(Nandor grunts)
I'm gonna get you! (grunts)
("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪ ♪
GUILLERMO: But he needs to go to school
so he can burn off some of this energy
and learn structure and be around normal kids his own age.
-But he's not a normal kid. -NADJA: Mm.
He's a singer, he's a dancer, he's an entertainer.
-He's got the magic. -(footsteps running overhead)
-(glass breaks) -(Colin laughs)
-You've got to do something! -LASZLO: What about you?
-Have you been to a school? -I have.
Actually, I happened to go to public school
when I was little, and look at me.
-I turned out fine. -(Nadja and Laszlo laugh)
LASZLO: Great plan.
Send Baby Colin Robinson to a school,
and he ends up like you.
NANDOR: I have been thinking.
Perhaps the answer is to send Baby Colin Robinson
to a performing arts school
where they just pretend to learn reading and writing
and math, but at least they're out of the house
for, like, eight hours of the day.
What's going on here, then?
-Where? -NADJA: Have you had a haircut?
Why? Have you had a haircut?
LASZLO: Have you been watching Star Trek?
Let's not, uh, focus on looking at me,
okay, and focus on the big issue,
which is the Baby Colin, correct?
NADJA: Okay. What if we send him
to a very selective private school so he doesn't
have to worry about rubbing shoulders
with street tramps and dullards?
No. We have plenty of good public schools here,
-and they're free. -I thought you were doing the accounting.
Isn't the nightclub swimming in the trillions?
No, we need that money to fix the house.
And I wouldn't say "trillions." No, definitely not.
How much money have we made this month?
(inhales) Have to, like, crunch the numbers.
-Top of my head, I don't... -Hold on a second. Nandor,
-why don't you rub your genie? -NANDOR: He is a djinn.
LASZLO: Well, whether he's a djinn or not, give him a rub,
make a wish and we can clean this bullshit up.
NANDOR: Well, I cannot do that.
-LASZLO: Why? -Because I only have
a very limited number of wishes,
-and I cannot be wasting them. -NADJA: Selfish.
And anyway, I already asked him.
-(Nadja gasps) -And he said that he is legally prohibited
from doing any kind of house stuff.
Bummer.
Of course I could ask the djinn
to make all of our troubles with the house disappear.
But it's a very slippery slope.
Are you sure you haven't had a haircut?
NANDOR: First we fix the house.
Then it's like, "Oh, Nandor,
can you wish for a new rug?" or some shit.
And before you know it, all of my wishes will be used up,
and I will have no more wishes left to make a global impact.
Which is what I plan on focusing on next:
philanthropy.
-(Djinn grunts) -Hey.
You rang?
I did? Oh.
It was an accident.
So, uh, you are satisfied
with the results of your last wish?
Would you excuse us for just a moment?
Philanthropy stuff.
(whispers): So, about my last wish.
I think the removing of the wrinkles around the eyes
was a success, yes?
I live to serve.
Uh, however, I feel like the smoothness of the skin
is now drawing some attention
to some bagginess under the eyes.
-Hmm. Come. Come, let me see? -See here?
-("Meet Me Tonight in Dreamland" playing on piano) -(indistinct chatter)
♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
♪ Under the silvery moon ♪
-♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland. ♪ -(feedback screeches)
-(indistinct chatter) -Shit. Not again.
-COLIN: Hey, guess what? Do you guys have YouTube? -What?
And have you seen the new MrBeast video
where he makes the world's largest elephant's toothpaste?
-GIRL: No. -GIRL 2: What the fuck are you talking about?
We may look as children,
but we're 143 years old.
Oh, okay. S-Sorry.
It's all right, boy, they don't know what they're missing.
Come on. Let's get on with the job in hand.
Now I come to think of it,
I suppose schooling isn't such a bad idea
as long as he can have some japes
and tomfoolery with his young cohorts.
-NANDOR: Oops. -NADJA: My love, it will be very good
for him and very good for us.
Yeah, but none of this public school shit.
-NADJA: Mm. -He's gonna be amongst the elites like I was.
Well, I got some brochures here
on some very impressive private schools
in the area. Here you go.
-NANDOR: Hmm? -I'm just gonna put it down here.
Well, you can forget this one. Doesn't have a cricket field.
-Or even a whipping post. -Good point.
NADJA: And what do you pose as a better solution?
Well, I would say, um...
Uh... this one looks good.
-That's, uh, that's a receipt. -Oh.
-(Sean grunting) -COLIN: Put me down, you idiot!
-SEAN: Stop struggling, you little rascal. -(Colin grunting)
-Oh, no. -Ugh. -COLIN: You hurt my stomach,
-you dummy. -Good little guy.
-NADJA: Baby Colin! -Whoa.
COLIN: Nice try, asshole.
My back.
Little nephew found his way over to my house again.
I caught him in the garage,
knocking, uh, holes in the drywall
-with a ball peen hammer. -A thousand apologies to you, Sean.
What's this? You sending the little guy to private school?
GUILLERMO: Yeah, we're thinking about it.
Oh. Well, you better add
Helen Country Day School to the list
'cause you're talking to an HCD grad right here.
Really? Well, there you go. That's where the boy shall go.
Yeah, I can help you with that. I happen to be
very tight with the headmaster.
Don't you think that's a rather hasty decision?
Sean went there, and look how he's turned out.
-Right. -LASZLO: Tuck his trousers in and everything.
I've never been more cocksure of any decision in my life.
Is everybody ready? The headmaster's gonna be here
in ten minutes!
And remember, you're just a regular human being
who likes to do regular human things.
You are not a vampire,
and if... Oh, no.
Ta-da!
Well...
"A" for effort on the whole looking human aspect, but no.
-(Nadja sighs) -Go upstairs and change into whatever your least vampirey
vampire attire is.
-But that is this. -LASZLO: Yes. -GUILLERMO: That is this?
-This is that. -NADJA: Okay, try this.
(American accent): Oh, I love pizza so much.
That's pretty good.
-(Nadja chuckles) -We have some water for...
Wait, what happened? I thought you were gonna change.
(normal voice): I couldn't find anything else to wear,
-Guillermo. Just leave it. -GUILLERMO: Okay, okay.
It's fine. You look great. Okay, let's do this.
-(doorbell rings) -Oh! Here they are.
Now, don't you worry, big man. You just do exactly
-what we rehearsed, all right? -COLIN: Mm-hmm.
SEAN: Guys, here he is.
The man of the hour, Headmaster Warren.
-NANDOR: Hi. -(Nadja chuckles) -SEAN (chuckles): Yeah.
Now, back when I was in school,
he was nothing but a loser guidance counselor,
but he really helped me
set some more realistic goals for college.
A four-year program isn't for everyone.
But you turned out to be a fine young man, Sean.
-Talking of fine young men, uh... -WARREN: Oh!
-And this must be Colin. -LASZLO: Go on.
Hello, young man.
It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir.
-And guess what? -What's that?
I'm a remarkable smart lad who can sing and dance,
and I never watch YouTube,
-and I never pound holes in the wall using a hammer. -LASZLO: Ah!
-Okay! (laughs) -LASZLO: Off you go, Colin.
I think we've had enough of that.
-It's your bedtime, I think. -GUILLERMO: Please.
-Please, take a seat. -Oh, out of the mouths of babes.
-NADJA: Oh, so human of him. (chuckles) -NANDOR: Yes.
WARREN: So, uh, my apologies
for not being fully up to speed,
but, uh, who exactly are the parents?
Uh...
-LASZLO: Yeah. -NADJA: Uh...
When I click my fingers,
you will enter a trancelike state
where you will hear nothing or see nothing.
I will then click my fingers once more,
and you will regain consciousness,
remembering nothing of this pause.
-(snaps fingers) -We really should have figured this out before they came.
Who are we gonna say the parents are?
Let's just say that I'm the mother and you are the father.
-Good idea. -LASZLO: That won't work, my darling.
-I've already told him I'm the boy's uncle. -Shit.
Fine, I will be the father.
-Looking like that? -Yes.
-Better than nothing. -Well, look at him.
-NADJA: Laszlo, get over it! -LASZLO: Come on.
-NADJA: Ouch! Nandor. (clears throat) -Sorry.
-(snaps fingers) -(laughs)
Yes, hello.
We are Colin's parents. I am Nadja.
I carried him to full term.
Yes, and I am Matthew.
Well, I'd love to ask you a few questions
-about yourselves and Colin. -NANDOR: Mm.
Yes, and we can answer those questions
because we are very much Colin's parents.
-(chuckles) -NANDOR: Yes.
And I am Matthew.
Okay.
-So, uh, let's get into it. -(zipper rasps)
How old is Colin?
-Twelve. -Forty-two.
-Sixteen. -One.
-(whispers): He's nine years old. -Nine!
-♪ He's nine. ♪ -Nine.
Okay, great. (chuckles)
Is everybody going to be staying for this next part, as well?
I mean, usually,
-it's only the... -(snaps fingers) -NADJA: I think
he thinks it's weird that it's not just me and Nandor.
-Matthew. -LASZLO: I think it's weird
he wants you two alone in a room.
Well, if everyone's staying, then I should stay, too.
-You know, for human guidance. -(Nadja groans)
Fine. I will fix this.
-(clears throat) -(snaps fingers)
-(Nadja chuckles) -...uh, parents
-who do the interview. -NADJA: Good point, yes.
But I would like to say that we're all going to stay
because we very much think of everyone
-in this room as members of the family. -NANDOR: Mm-hmm.
So, please, meet our butler
-and our groundskeeper. -I'm the groundskeeper, by the way. Ha!
(chuckles): Okay, then. One big, happy family.
Everyone helps out here.
-There's a lot of love in this family. -NANDOR: Mm.
In fact, there's so much love,
apparently, you're with Nandor now
and Laz doesn't mind?
(chuckles): I mean, you know, it's no judgment.
What's the word for what you guys are? It's...
-Polyamorous? -SEAN: Oh,
I was thinking filthy hippies,
but, uh, like I said, no judgement.
-Right, Mr. Warren? -(snaps fingers)
-NADJA: Fuck's sake. -Of course this is a disaster.
-He knows we're married, my darling. -NADJA: Let's just say
that I am the mother and Laszlo is the father.
-Who am I going to be? -You're the groundskeeper now.
-Keep up. -(Nandor groans) -GUILLERMO: Come on.
-Go, go, go, go, go. Careful. -I can see.
Careful, the camera. Stop. No.
-Stop. Ready. -Okay?
-(snaps fingers) -(Nadja laughs)
WARREN: So, uh...
I'm sorry. Uh... (chuckles)
-Where was I? -NANDOR: I don't know.
I am just Matthew, the groundskeeper.
(Nadja crying)
And there Colin was,
just perched on the top of the tree
like a little snake.
But not a snake. (sniffles)
A real human baby.
Very normal human baby.
And we had no choice
but to, um, take him in, crying.
That is very odd.
-But really quite beautiful. -NADJA: Yeah.
WARREN: We consider it a positive
to support family structures
that at one time might have seemed unorthodox.
In fact, I'd venture to say
we have families far less traditional than yours.
-(snaps fingers) -Shit. We aren't different enough.
We need a weirder family structure.
The more unorthodox we are,
the more chance we have of getting him in.
No, I think we're doing fine with the adoption angle.
-We need to be gay. -(Nadja gasps)
No, there's plenty of gay parents out there.
Trust me. Gay is in.
Gay is hot. I want some gay.
Gay it's gonna be. Nandor?
-(snaps fingers) -As you can see, we're Colin's two dads.
Wonderful. You know, our school is quite proud
of our acceptance of family structures
-that at one time might... -Yeah, can I stop you there?
You need to know that we're very gay for each other.
NANDOR: Completely gay.
We are like two French trombones.
And this guy? I ream him nightly.
NANDOR: And I'm always sucking him off.
They are like, "Come, it's dinner!
Stop sucking off your gay husband!"
(chuckles) Which is amusing, 'cause I am dinner.
-And I just carry on reaming him. -(whispering): Nadja. Nadja.
Sexually. You must understand that.
Hey! You got a problem with these guys being gay?
-I will ream you. -(normal voice): No.
-No, I don't have a problem. -SEAN: You better not.
'Cause I don't mess with homophobes.
-It's the 20th century now. -Thank you for that, Sean.
-Well said. -Please just freeze them. Okay?
-Oh, for fuck's sake. (snaps fingers) -Appreciated.
What'd you do that for? That was going great.
If you're gonna do this, just hold hands and act normal.
Stop talking about your explicit sexual activities.
-LASZLO: Why? -Jealous.
(snaps fingers)
Y-Your relationship aside,
could you tell me a little bit about Colin?
Oh, yes. Yes, they can.
Yes.
We can.
LASZLO: Yeah. Um, Colin is a...
-NANDOR: Um... -LASZLO: Yes.
-Give us a minute. -WARREN: Okay.
Colin...
-He... -LASZLO: Colin...
-Uh... -Colin is a bright and energetic boy
who's eager to make friends.
His favorite number is 31.
His favorite color is brown,
and he loves both classic stage and movie musicals.
-He's actually quite a gifted singer and performer himself. -WARREN: Wow.
For a non-parental figure,
-you sure seem to know a lot about Colin. -(Nadja snaps fingers)
You bragging about all your Colin Robinson knowledge
is making all of us look like skata.
But no one was saying anything, so I had to say something.
Now he's going to think we're those absentee parent types
who know nothing about their children
and let the nanny do all the work.
-Yeah, well, you are. -NADJA: Fine.
You want to be king of Baby Colin Robinson?
-(Nadja snaps fingers) -GUILLERMO: So, has it been hard
raising Colin alone by myself
as a single parent? Yeah.
Perhaps that's why we're so close.
We only have each other in this cold,
-scary world. -NANDOR: Could I interest you in some
refreshments? Uh...
Potato chips, some eggs,
cigarette, or perhaps a nice, ripe
banana.
WARREN: Uh...
-Did that upset you? -I'm sorry, what?
WARREN: Well, you look a little, uh, surprised, or maybe
troubled by what
-Guillermo just said. -NANDOR: No.
That's just... allergies.
This is how I look when I get my allergies.
(stifled sneeze)
WARREN: You know, one of the parents at our school is a
top-notch allergist. I could put you in touch with him.
-Yes. -WARREN: A very nice family.
Uh, his wife is a wonderful actress,
but it wouldn't be appropriate for me to mention her name.
-Absolutely, no. -SEAN: Oh, go ahead.
-Tell us. -No, no. -(overlapping chatter)
SEAN: Come on.
Let's just say that you would
recognize her from...
more than a few episodes of Law & Order.
Law & Order. I was going to say...
NADJA: (snaps fingers) Okay.
I know what's going on here.
It's as clear as day.
This motherfucker is a starfucker.
What? No, I don't think that's what he meant.
NADJA: Yes, that is what these schools want.
They want the famous parents, so they can be like,
(mumbles) "I couldn't possibly
"say anything, but
"Lionel fucking Barrymore's kids
might just go here." (mumbles)
Nadja's right. He fucks stars.
Where can we find a celebrity, and fast?
LASZLO: Well, this is Staten Island,
which is a veritable playground for the glitterati.
(Nadja laughs)
This way.
So, yeah, as long as it's SAG minimum,
I'm down for anything.
Who's this guy?
Shut up. (clears throat)
(laughs)
It is actually very interesting you say that
because, uh, Colin's father here, Mr...
Sal Vulcano,
is a very famous actor also.
I wouldn't consider what I do acting, but...
LASZLO: This is Colin's father,
you know, the guy from Incomprehensible Jesters.
-Impractical Jokers... -Nobody cares.
Just sit there silent.
So, Sal here is Colin's father?
-NADJA: Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
Or...
(chuckles) I'm sorry, it's been a long day,
and my memory isn't what it once was.
(laughter)
Whoa. Who the hell is that guy?
-It is me, Nandor. -SEAN: Oh, no, no.
You're not Nandor.
Okay, fine, fine, I am not Nandor.
I am... Adolfo,
the butler or some shit.
-Yeah, all right. -Right.
So... who exactly are the parents here?
-(laughs) Shit. -(snaps fingers)
Uh... I'm not sure I get the joke of the bit.
-(neck cracks) -(grunts) Laszlo!
-(muffled scream) -Woops.
LASZLO: Prick was getting on my nerves
with his jibber-jabber.
We'll drain him later.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you can hypnotize them
for them to freeze and forget everything,
wouldn't it be easier to just hypnotize Headmaster Warren
into allowing Colin
into the school without all this play-acting?
Did this bitch
just say what I think he said?
-He did. -Are you off your tits, boy?
-What? -NANDOR: He is. -NADJA: Exactly.
We are in far too deep now, baby.
The only way forward
is to stick to the plan.
NADJA: Little Colin has so many hobbies,
it's just very hard to keep track.
Yeah, he definitely loves his big little head, you know?
It's always bobbling all around.
-Like yours, honey. -(laughs)
This one and that one, they're all bobbling.
DOLL NADJA: The pain of childbirth is nothing
compared to the pain of child rearing.
That's beautifully said.
It's definitely not easy being a single mother,
but I love Baby Colin, my son.
What the actual fuck is that? Is that a talking doll?
So, um, please to tell me a little bit
about Colin's hobbies?
Who is Colin?
Colin is our son, my darling.
LASZLO: Just to be clear, old-timer,
I'm not always the sucker, and he's
not always the reamer.
Though, he does ream me nightly.
Adolfo, you dirty dog.
Wait a second, haven't we already done this one?
Hello.
-LASZLO: Seany! -OTHERS: Hey!
Yo, Lasz.
(skunk chittering)
You know what? I'm not doing this.
-(Laszlo sighs) -GUILLERMO: Baby.
I'm sorry to cut this short, but my head is killing me.
Oh, you, too? I got, like, the mother of all migraines.
-(chuckles) -WARREN: Anyway, it's been
a most informative evening. (chuckles)
So, uh, do you have Colin's transcripts?
What? (stammers) What's that?
His transcripts from his previous school.
-He's never been to school... -I'll have them sent over tomorrow.
GUILLERMO: So, yeah, I pulled a few strings to get
the guidance counselor from my old school to work up
a fake transcript for Baby Colin.
You know, not really happy about dipping
into the nightclub fund for it,
or the whole bribery thing in general,
but it's what's best for the child.
Anyways, uh, I'm gonna go for a little walk,
and I'll catch you guys back at the house, okay?
(car beeps)
(muffled music playing)
(music stops)
(speaking Spanish)
You take care of that, all right?
(speaking Spanish)
Hey, guys.
Uh, what's up? (laughs)
I thought we wrapped for me, I was wrapped for the day.
This isn't what it looks like.
I mean, sure, yes, I've had, you know,
access to more cash lately,
ever since I became the bookkeeper for the club,
but...
I know I shouldn't be stealing
from the club, and I'm not stealing.
I was just putting some cash aside
to pay myself.
It's not even about me.
It's about family, okay?
I just happen to have two families
I got to take care of, huh?
Just like you have a family.
No?
I'll put it right there.
No takers?
LASZLO: Pick it up, lad!
That's it.
-Come on. Baby! -NANDOR: Power through.
-Oh! -This is embarrassing.
These kids need to watch some more Dream Team footage
and then play like that.
-Shut up bitching. -(hisses)
LASZLO: He's doing a marvelous job.
NADJA: Well, after all our hard work,
Baby Colin did not get accepted.
Apparently, Headmaster Warren suffered a massive stroke
only hours after meeting up with us.
The reason for that is most human beings
can only take seven hypnoses per hour.
That man went through 428.
So we didn't have to start all over again,
we decided to enroll Baby Colin
in every community sports league
we could think of.
The volleyballs, softballs...
-LASZLO: And large balls. -NADJA: Baseballs,
sports balls...
Human stuff.
They're obsessed with balls.
Kill them! Kill them dead!
-Don't you think we might be pushing him a little too hard? -No.
This is essential for his college application.
Plus, he's having a great time.
NANDOR: Put it in the basket!
(cheering)
That's my boy!
-NADJA: Yes, Colin! -LASZLO: Time for hockey.
Okay.
NADJA: And now, finally, the boy's
too tired to be such a little shit.
NANDOR: So, ultimately, I realized
I have been completely ruining my life
and my face.
What is ironical is that
I was only doing this to make myself
look better for my wife Marwa.
This was for her, not for me.
So, back to one?
NANDOR: Yes,
if you would be so kind.
I live to serve.
NANDOR: Yes, you do.
Oh!
Kind of tickled.
-I say, Nandor... -NANDOR: Yeah?
...you really need to quit with the plastic surgery.
You look insane.
Ha, ha. Very funny, Laszlo.
-No reaming for you tonight. -Oh.
No reaming, no sucking, no tickling,
-no fingering, no fucking. -(chuckles)
And don't even think about scritchy-scratching
on my door like a little horny squirrel.
You can bury your own nuts.
♪ ♪
GUILLERMO: Tonight's take.
Oh, and a very good night indeed.
It's all there.
-Thank you, Guillermo. -Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.
(sighs)
This is not what it looks like.
No. It's exactly what it looks like.
-(laughs) -Oh, um,
if you tell anyone this,
I will kill you and your entire family,
and I will invite all your friends to their funeral,
and then I'll kill all of them, too, so... your choice.
♪ ♪