1 00:00:02,649 --> 00:00:04,485 Once we clear Keasbey, 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,659 it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway 3 00:00:07,692 --> 00:00:09,596 until we hit the Pine Barrens. 4 00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:11,266 And let me tell you, 5 00:00:11,299 --> 00:00:13,604 the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit. 6 00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:16,610 LASZLO: Sean has invited us to his family's cabin 7 00:00:16,644 --> 00:00:18,346 in the New Jersey woodlands. 8 00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:20,552 -The Pine Barrens. -Which is the same thing. 9 00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:23,591 -For a weekend hunting trip. -NANDOR: We vampires 10 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,160 do not hunt. 11 00:00:25,194 --> 00:00:26,697 Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans. 12 00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:28,033 Does that count, though? 13 00:00:28,066 --> 00:00:29,503 SEAN: Nothing wrong 14 00:00:29,536 --> 00:00:32,609 with a long weekend away from the ladies. 15 00:00:32,642 --> 00:00:34,513 "We dem boys," am I right? 16 00:00:34,546 --> 00:00:37,051 -NANDOR: Yes. -Indeed, but remember, 17 00:00:37,084 --> 00:00:38,788 Nandor and I need to be back 18 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:41,392 no later than 5:00 a. m. on Sunday. 19 00:00:41,426 --> 00:00:43,564 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs at the railroad. 20 00:00:43,598 --> 00:00:45,334 You're like a broken record, Laz. 21 00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:47,672 Yes, we them boys who work at the railroad. 22 00:00:47,706 --> 00:00:49,275 SEAN: You know, 23 00:00:49,308 --> 00:00:51,547 that kid looks like the spitting image of Colin Robinson. 24 00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:53,383 It's like Little Baby Dilbert over here. 25 00:00:53,416 --> 00:00:55,555 Well, as we mentioned before, 26 00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,260 Colin Robinson is the child's uncle, 27 00:00:58,293 --> 00:01:01,266 so according to genetics, that story makes perfect sense. 28 00:01:01,299 --> 00:01:02,836 SEAN: Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread, 29 00:01:02,869 --> 00:01:04,438 what you playing back there? 30 00:01:04,472 --> 00:01:06,276 -Oh, no. What the fuck... -Oh, it's a game called 31 00:01:06,309 --> 00:01:09,315 "Welcome to Bloxburg," and it's a game on Roblox 32 00:01:09,348 --> 00:01:11,520 and you can build your own house 33 00:01:11,553 --> 00:01:14,593 or get a job like a pizza maker or woodcutter 34 00:01:14,626 --> 00:01:16,095 or insurance adjust... 35 00:01:16,129 --> 00:01:17,799 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 36 00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:20,470 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 37 00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:23,711 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 38 00:01:23,744 --> 00:01:26,650 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 39 00:01:26,684 --> 00:01:29,355 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 40 00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:33,263 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 41 00:01:33,296 --> 00:01:35,735 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 42 00:01:35,768 --> 00:01:38,306 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 43 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:42,214 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 44 00:01:42,749 --> 00:01:45,153 ♪ ♪ 45 00:01:50,498 --> 00:01:52,502 -(crickets chirping) -(Nadja and Nadja Doll laughing) 46 00:01:52,535 --> 00:01:54,539 You look very nice in the bath. Look at you. 47 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,476 -Thank you, honey. -With the boys being away 48 00:01:56,510 --> 00:01:58,514 on this hunting trip with Sean, 49 00:01:58,547 --> 00:02:01,185 it is just so... (chuckling) ...nice 50 00:02:01,219 --> 00:02:03,423 to have the house to myself for a change. 51 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,162 To ourselves. There's two of us. 52 00:02:06,195 --> 00:02:07,431 Oh, yes. Of course. 53 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,404 It's really nice to have the whole house to myself, 54 00:02:10,437 --> 00:02:11,907 for once. (chuckles) 55 00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:14,713 Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Baby Colin are all gone, 56 00:02:14,746 --> 00:02:18,353 I get to choose what I want to do for a change. 57 00:02:18,386 --> 00:02:20,858 We really needed a break from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo, 58 00:02:20,892 --> 00:02:22,428 and the small weird creature 59 00:02:22,461 --> 00:02:24,432 that clawed its way out of the abdominal cavity 60 00:02:24,465 --> 00:02:26,937 of our deceased former friend Colin Robinson. 61 00:02:26,970 --> 00:02:28,808 GUILLERMO: It's rare that anyone leaves me alone, 62 00:02:28,841 --> 00:02:31,647 so I'm gonna have my family over tomorrow night. 63 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,452 I've been putting it off for, like... 64 00:02:34,485 --> 00:02:35,722 12 years? 65 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,730 This house, it can be a lot of male energy. 66 00:02:39,763 --> 00:02:40,732 NADJA: Oh. 67 00:02:40,765 --> 00:02:42,502 I mean, duh. 68 00:02:42,535 --> 00:02:44,238 -(cackling) -(playing magic flute) 69 00:02:44,271 --> 00:02:45,808 NADJA: So while they're off in the forest, 70 00:02:45,842 --> 00:02:47,478 we will be having a good, old-fashioned 71 00:02:47,512 --> 00:02:48,781 sloppy girls' night at home. 72 00:02:48,814 --> 00:02:51,252 -NADJA DOLL : Yes. -And you know, 73 00:02:51,285 --> 00:02:53,657 I think the weekend will be very good for the boys, too. 74 00:02:53,691 --> 00:02:55,260 Did you want to help with the bags? 75 00:02:55,293 --> 00:02:56,630 I wasn't planning to, no. 76 00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:58,801 -NANDOR: Okay, thank you. -Thank you. 77 00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:01,272 NADJA: Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently. 78 00:03:01,305 --> 00:03:03,476 You know, for the past one or two or... 79 00:03:03,511 --> 00:03:05,213 actually, about 80 years. 80 00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:06,850 (playing flute) 81 00:03:06,884 --> 00:03:08,788 You want to help with the door? 82 00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,357 I wasn't planning to, no. 83 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,327 -Okay, thank you. -Thank you. 84 00:03:12,361 --> 00:03:13,731 NADJA: It's good 85 00:03:13,764 --> 00:03:15,668 that they're going to have a chance to reconnect. 86 00:03:15,702 --> 00:03:18,541 SEAN: Put all the bags in there, all right? 87 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:19,408 Eesh. 88 00:03:19,442 --> 00:03:20,410 Now, that up there, 89 00:03:20,444 --> 00:03:22,682 I got that when I was 14. 90 00:03:22,716 --> 00:03:24,553 Took me nine shots, but I got it. 91 00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:27,759 First time I ever saw something die. 92 00:03:28,994 --> 00:03:30,732 But it wouldn't be the last. 93 00:03:32,635 --> 00:03:34,873 Well, marksmanship clearly runs in the family. 94 00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:37,512 That's a very impressive collection of firearms. 95 00:03:37,545 --> 00:03:39,783 Oh, yeah. Well, it's mostly my granddad's. 96 00:03:39,816 --> 00:03:42,321 He started collecting them when he bought the cabin 97 00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:44,458 from this Polish guy he used to bowl with, 98 00:03:44,493 --> 00:03:45,928 you know, before the cataracts. 99 00:03:45,962 --> 00:03:48,634 It's always sad when a Polish fellow gets cataracts. 100 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,605 No, I think what Sean is saying 101 00:03:50,638 --> 00:03:52,408 is that his grandfather got the cataracts, 102 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,245 which is why he could no longer do bowling 103 00:03:54,278 --> 00:03:55,447 with the Polish fellow. 104 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,683 SEAN: Actually, the problem was... 105 00:03:56,717 --> 00:03:58,019 LASZLO: No, no, hold on, Sean. No. 106 00:03:58,052 --> 00:04:00,992 The Polish fellow got the cataracts, 107 00:04:01,025 --> 00:04:03,329 ending his bowling career, 108 00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:04,633 cutting his income, 109 00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:07,004 forcing him to sell this cabin, clearly. 110 00:04:07,037 --> 00:04:08,607 NANDOR: The problem with Laszlo 111 00:04:08,641 --> 00:04:10,912 is that he cannot admit that there's something 112 00:04:10,945 --> 00:04:12,515 that even he does not know. 113 00:04:12,549 --> 00:04:14,719 He thinks that he knows all things. 114 00:04:14,753 --> 00:04:16,924 And if there's one thing I cannot abide, 115 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:20,430 it is someone who's a know-it-all-things. 116 00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:23,336 -Actually... -If I could just take a moment, Sean, 117 00:04:23,369 --> 00:04:25,407 I know a thing or two about fellows, 118 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,411 and I would say it is more than likely 119 00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,681 that the Polish fellow 120 00:04:28,714 --> 00:04:31,887 went bowling with other fellows for fun 121 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,291 and not for his livelihood. 122 00:04:34,325 --> 00:04:36,362 LASZLO: Nandor's problem is 123 00:04:36,395 --> 00:04:39,503 he has a bird-sized brain in a mammoth-sized body. 124 00:04:39,536 --> 00:04:40,938 -Wouldn't you say? -(screeches) 125 00:04:40,972 --> 00:04:43,878 Well, you see, that theory betrays an ignorance... 126 00:04:43,911 --> 00:04:46,783 -Oh... -...for the many Polish fellows that have done very well 127 00:04:46,817 --> 00:04:49,523 vis-à-vis bowling competition money. 128 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:50,858 Agree to disagree. 129 00:04:50,892 --> 00:04:52,495 Boy, do your thing. 130 00:04:52,529 --> 00:04:56,670 Hey, Siri, search "Polish bowlers top cash prize earners." 131 00:04:56,703 --> 00:05:00,043 SIRI (over iPad): Okay, I found this on the web for "bowling Polish 132 00:05:00,076 --> 00:05:01,445 top cash prize earners." 133 00:05:01,479 --> 00:05:02,916 -Check it out. -LASZLO: Yes? 134 00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:07,391 It's a Wikipedia page for someone called Daria Pajak. 135 00:05:07,424 --> 00:05:08,761 Read the page. 136 00:05:08,794 --> 00:05:11,533 "Daria Pajak is a professional bowling player 137 00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,069 -from Poland..." -LASZLO: From Poland. 138 00:05:13,102 --> 00:05:14,906 COLIN: "...who competes on the professional women's bowling..." 139 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,475 -LAZSLO: That's right, my boy. -(grunts) Shut up! 140 00:05:16,510 --> 00:05:17,679 -COLIN: Hey! -LASZLO: Very mature. 141 00:05:17,712 --> 00:05:20,350 -(crickets chirping) -(snoring) 142 00:05:20,383 --> 00:05:22,555 (snoring) 143 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,425 Right. 144 00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,661 COLIN: So, what are we doing? 145 00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:27,932 Time for a little hunting of our own. 146 00:05:27,966 --> 00:05:29,703 The most dangerous game-- 147 00:05:29,736 --> 00:05:31,405 -hunting humans... -The hunters become the hunted. 148 00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:33,644 Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me. 149 00:05:33,677 --> 00:05:35,781 -COLIN: Eesh. -(Nandor clears throat) 150 00:05:35,815 --> 00:05:38,353 NANDOR: I have recently been experimenting 151 00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:39,956 with echolocation. 152 00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:41,459 (video game blipping) 153 00:05:41,493 --> 00:05:43,129 (whistling) 154 00:05:43,162 --> 00:05:45,467 (blipping continues) 155 00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,471 -COLIN: Hey, Lazzo, guess what? -What? 156 00:05:47,505 --> 00:05:50,811 I need more Robux to buy gamer wings for my avatar 157 00:05:50,845 --> 00:05:53,116 -because guess what? -What? 158 00:05:53,149 --> 00:05:54,753 -I already have the Gamer Cloak. -Enough. 159 00:05:54,786 --> 00:05:56,657 You're going to scare away the humans. 160 00:05:56,690 --> 00:06:00,096 Silence is the hunter's greatest weapon. 161 00:06:00,130 --> 00:06:01,833 And you're shitting all over it. 162 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:03,604 Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent. 163 00:06:08,814 --> 00:06:11,385 SEAN: You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz 164 00:06:11,419 --> 00:06:12,855 -taking care of you. -I guess. 165 00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:16,730 Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much. 166 00:06:16,763 --> 00:06:18,701 Are you kidding me? He loves you. 167 00:06:18,734 --> 00:06:20,972 He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up 168 00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:24,044 to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore." 169 00:06:24,078 --> 00:06:27,050 Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS. 170 00:06:27,084 --> 00:06:28,520 COLIN: Do you think I'm boring? 171 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,858 What? You got your little computer pad, 172 00:06:30,892 --> 00:06:32,829 and a... stick. 173 00:06:32,862 --> 00:06:35,000 And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right? 174 00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:36,603 What else do you like doing? 175 00:06:36,637 --> 00:06:39,743 Well, I like to go into the basement in the house 176 00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:43,517 and smash holes into the wall with a hammer. 177 00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,487 Like, really hard. 178 00:06:45,521 --> 00:06:47,525 Just over and over again. 179 00:06:47,558 --> 00:06:49,763 Just smashing and smashing 180 00:06:49,796 --> 00:06:52,635 and smashing, and I can't help it. 181 00:06:52,669 --> 00:06:54,071 It makes me feel good. 182 00:06:54,104 --> 00:06:56,777 But like, only walls, right? 183 00:06:56,810 --> 00:07:00,518 You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something? 184 00:07:00,551 --> 00:07:02,187 (women whooping) 185 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,391 (cackling) 186 00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:07,932 NADJA: So our evening is off to a wonderful start. 187 00:07:07,966 --> 00:07:11,873 ♪ There's a girl in the village With one very small foot. ♪ 188 00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:13,944 NADJA: Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us, 189 00:07:13,978 --> 00:07:16,115 and she fits right in. Everybody! 190 00:07:16,148 --> 00:07:18,554 She looks very like a girl from my village 191 00:07:18,587 --> 00:07:19,889 called Celina, 192 00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:21,827 but she's just wearing much less pig skin. 193 00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,564 (whooping) You can do it. 194 00:07:23,597 --> 00:07:25,100 -(chanting): Go me. Go me. -(Marwa vocalizing) 195 00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:28,607 NADJA: Sometimes you just gotta cool out with your ladies, 196 00:07:28,641 --> 00:07:30,711 have a proper female fuck-about. 197 00:07:30,745 --> 00:07:32,882 Nearly ready. Voilà. 198 00:07:32,915 --> 00:07:34,719 Dang it. 199 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:37,792 ♪ ♪ 200 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:41,032 GUILLERMO: Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias. 201 00:07:41,065 --> 00:07:42,568 Adelante. 202 00:07:42,602 --> 00:07:44,539 -(chatter in Spanish) -Thank you for inv... 203 00:07:44,572 --> 00:07:45,941 Oh, no se preocupen de las cámaras, 204 00:07:45,975 --> 00:07:47,845 este, los contraté para que grabaran el... 205 00:07:47,879 --> 00:07:49,582 el cumpleaños de la abuela. 206 00:07:49,616 --> 00:07:51,753 -Feliz cumpleaños. -Muchacho, ay. 207 00:07:51,787 --> 00:07:53,924 SILVIA: Ay, mi hijo. Siempre tan considerado. 208 00:07:53,957 --> 00:07:56,128 Las chamarras, quítensela. Quítensela. Aquí es su casa. 209 00:07:56,162 --> 00:07:58,232 -MIGUEL: Look, he's like the butler. -I am not the butler. 210 00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:00,203 I told them that you guys are here making a video montage 211 00:08:00,236 --> 00:08:02,809 for her birthday, so I guess that's what we're doing now. 212 00:08:02,842 --> 00:08:04,579 MIGUEL: It looks like Tarzan lives here. 213 00:08:04,612 --> 00:08:05,815 Oh, it's just eco-friendly. 214 00:08:05,848 --> 00:08:07,117 Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly? 215 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,854 -It's real Versace. -You know, they make that 216 00:08:08,887 --> 00:08:10,524 -in menswear too, right? -Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. 217 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,727 -(laughter) -Okay, why don't we go upstairs? 218 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,962 Pasen, pasen, pasen. 219 00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:14,666 Oh, careful, there. I-- It's messy. 220 00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:16,102 There's thorns here, so be careful. 221 00:08:16,135 --> 00:08:17,304 Hi. 222 00:08:17,337 --> 00:08:18,774 -MIGUEL: Más basura. -GUILLERMO: Aquí estamos. 223 00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:20,711 -Ta-da. -(Silvia gasping) 224 00:08:20,745 --> 00:08:22,749 Está lindo, mama, ¿verdad? 225 00:08:22,782 --> 00:08:24,753 -(overlapping chatter) -Bueno, bienvenidos. 226 00:08:24,786 --> 00:08:27,725 Mira estos platos, qué lujosos. 227 00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,194 She's really impressed. 228 00:08:29,228 --> 00:08:32,200 ¿Te dieron una promoción en el Panera o qué? 229 00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:34,606 No, no, no, mamá. Trabaja en el ferrocarril, 230 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:35,875 ¿recuerdas? 231 00:08:35,908 --> 00:08:36,943 VALERIA: Oh, you're still at the railroad. 232 00:08:36,977 --> 00:08:38,146 You're working at the railroad? 233 00:08:38,179 --> 00:08:39,616 Yeah, I work at the railroad. 234 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,252 What happened to the Panera Bread? 235 00:08:41,285 --> 00:08:42,722 Speaking of bread, do you want some? 236 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:44,693 -Oh, I got a promotion. -That's right. 237 00:08:44,726 --> 00:08:45,828 You got a promotion? 238 00:08:45,861 --> 00:08:47,665 -Yeah. -How does a fool 239 00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,971 get a promotion from a Panera Bread to a railroad? 240 00:08:51,005 --> 00:08:52,709 -VALERIA: How does that happen? -It was a... 241 00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:54,713 -It was at a train station. -A train station? 242 00:08:54,746 --> 00:08:56,015 The Panera Bread was at the train station. 243 00:08:56,048 --> 00:08:57,618 -MIGUEL: What train station? -Penn Station. 244 00:08:57,652 --> 00:08:58,887 Nah, nah, nah. Sabes que, homie. 245 00:08:58,921 --> 00:09:00,758 There ain't no Panera Bread at Penn Station. 246 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,160 -It was a pop-up. -(overlapping chatter in Spanish) 247 00:09:02,194 --> 00:09:03,597 Pop-up shop. 248 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:04,999 Wow. 249 00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,770 Slower, don't pull! 250 00:09:06,803 --> 00:09:08,974 (gasping) Ooh, ooh! I have an idea. 251 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,978 -What? -Let's watch Mamma Mia! 252 00:09:11,011 --> 00:09:12,280 Uh, yes. 253 00:09:12,314 --> 00:09:14,652 NADJA: Mamma Mia is my favorite, favorite 254 00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:16,823 film to watch when I am missing my homeland, 255 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:20,063 but Laszlo never lets me watch it. He says... 256 00:09:20,096 --> 00:09:21,900 (mimicking Laszlo): "My darling, I can't watch that. 257 00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,604 "It reminds me of all the bastard children 258 00:09:23,637 --> 00:09:26,108 I fathered when I was a human." 259 00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:28,580 SEAN: Then the other two guys, 260 00:09:28,614 --> 00:09:30,651 they hear this screech in the woods. 261 00:09:30,684 --> 00:09:32,855 And they hightail it out of there, 262 00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:36,830 but they never found the third guy... 263 00:09:37,698 --> 00:09:38,934 ...because you know who got him? 264 00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:40,604 LASZLO: The Jersey Devil. 265 00:09:40,638 --> 00:09:41,706 -NANDOR: The Jersey Devil. -SEAN: Uh-huh. 266 00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:42,975 COLIN: Hey, Mr. Rinaldi, 267 00:09:43,009 --> 00:09:44,712 -guess what? -SEAN: What? 268 00:09:44,746 --> 00:09:46,750 I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real. 269 00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:48,119 SEAN: All righty, then. 270 00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:51,025 I guess is not my fault if he comes and eats you. 271 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,831 Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like? 272 00:09:53,864 --> 00:09:56,636 He's got dragon wings, 273 00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:58,941 and a half-goat horse face 274 00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:01,613 with a chinstrap beard like an Amish. 275 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:03,817 And he's got hooves and horns, 276 00:10:03,851 --> 00:10:06,623 and two low-hanging balls 277 00:10:06,656 --> 00:10:08,961 with a button cock on top. 278 00:10:08,994 --> 00:10:10,631 (whispering): Fantastic. 279 00:10:10,664 --> 00:10:13,269 And he creeps through the Pine Barrens, 280 00:10:13,302 --> 00:10:17,845 looking for little kids who don't believe in him. 281 00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:20,350 And he goes, "clomp, clomp, 282 00:10:20,383 --> 00:10:21,720 clomp!" 283 00:10:21,753 --> 00:10:23,422 -(gunshot) -(all yelp) 284 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,795 SEAN: Uh... Everyone all right? 285 00:10:25,828 --> 00:10:28,734 I got to fix the safety on that one, huh? 286 00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,203 No, the Jersey Devil is not real. 287 00:10:30,236 --> 00:10:32,909 It is just a myth that vampires made up 288 00:10:32,942 --> 00:10:35,915 to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods. 289 00:10:35,948 --> 00:10:38,787 Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, 290 00:10:38,821 --> 00:10:41,125 he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had. 291 00:10:41,158 --> 00:10:43,196 Sean is your best friend? 292 00:10:43,229 --> 00:10:44,666 Yes. Why? 293 00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,003 No reason. 294 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,742 Here's to spending the weekend with you, Sean. 295 00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:50,744 I'll drink to that. 296 00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:52,314 Yes, cheers. 297 00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:54,819 There's just something special about "guy time," you know? 298 00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:56,857 -LASZLO: Hear, hear. -Yes. 299 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,696 (crickets chirping, owl hooting) 300 00:10:59,729 --> 00:11:01,398 -(Sean snoring) -(iPad chiming) 301 00:11:01,432 --> 00:11:03,770 Sean, time to go beddy bye. 302 00:11:03,804 --> 00:11:05,106 -(slurring): Whatever. -Here we go. 303 00:11:05,139 --> 00:11:06,108 I got a deer. 304 00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:06,943 Mind your head. 305 00:11:06,977 --> 00:11:08,981 -Ooh, that hurt. -What are you doing? 306 00:11:09,014 --> 00:11:10,885 COLIN: This is seriously 307 00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:12,755 the funnest level I've ever done on Roblox. 308 00:11:12,788 --> 00:11:13,757 Is it as cool as this? 309 00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:14,959 NANDOR: Careful, Laszlo. 310 00:11:14,993 --> 00:11:16,195 Take it from a soldier: 311 00:11:16,228 --> 00:11:18,032 That thing is a weapon, not a toy. 312 00:11:18,065 --> 00:11:19,434 The last time you saw battle 313 00:11:19,468 --> 00:11:21,907 it was just swords and wooden clubs. 314 00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:23,844 I'd hardly call you an authority. 315 00:11:23,877 --> 00:11:26,015 -(mimics sheep bleating) -(iPad chimes) 316 00:11:26,048 --> 00:11:27,818 (Laszlo laughs maniacally) 317 00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:30,791 ALL: ♪ Oh, when you're near me, darling ♪ 318 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,427 ♪ Can you hear me ♪ 319 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,264 ♪ S. O. S. ♪ 320 00:11:34,298 --> 00:11:36,468 ♪ And the love you gave me... ♪ 321 00:11:36,503 --> 00:11:39,274 Ah. This dynamo needs a top-up. 322 00:11:39,308 --> 00:11:40,844 So, uh, I'm gonna go and get one. Anyone else? 323 00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:42,180 -No, I'm good. -Nah. 324 00:11:42,214 --> 00:11:43,850 Do you want me to pause it or...? 325 00:11:43,884 --> 00:11:45,119 Oh, no, don't worry. I'll only be a moment. 326 00:11:45,153 --> 00:11:47,090 NADJA: ♪ The love you gave me ♪ 327 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,927 -♪ Nothing else can save me ♪ -(chatter in distance) 328 00:11:48,961 --> 00:11:51,065 ♪ S. O. S.... ♪ 329 00:11:51,098 --> 00:11:53,302 (indistinct chatter, salsa music playing) 330 00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:00,316 Oh. Hello. 331 00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:07,163 -(gasps) Whose this, Guillermo? -The maid. 332 00:12:07,197 --> 00:12:08,266 I'm Nadja of Antipaxos. 333 00:12:08,299 --> 00:12:09,869 I'm rich now, so I have... 334 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,272 I have a maid. 335 00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:13,042 ¿Es tu novia, no? 336 00:12:13,075 --> 00:12:14,846 -(soft chatter) -Sí, sí, es que... 337 00:12:14,879 --> 00:12:16,115 Girlfriend? Since when? 338 00:12:16,148 --> 00:12:18,921 GUILLERMO: Yeah. I did say Nadja was my girlfriend. 339 00:12:18,954 --> 00:12:21,191 The lies just pile up on top of each other, you know? 340 00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,429 Over the years, you just can't keep track. (chuckles) 341 00:12:23,462 --> 00:12:25,400 Isn't that right, Nadja? You're both 342 00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:27,972 my girlfriend and... 343 00:12:28,907 --> 00:12:30,778 -...my maid. -SILVIA: Wow. 344 00:12:30,811 --> 00:12:32,480 It all started, actually, when my mom was trying 345 00:12:32,515 --> 00:12:34,351 to set me up with her church friend's niece 346 00:12:34,384 --> 00:12:35,888 and just to get her off my back, 347 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,259 I said I was dating Nadja. 348 00:12:39,328 --> 00:12:40,396 Please don't tell Laszlo. 349 00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:42,100 Es como Daphne y Niles. 350 00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,804 VALERIA: Daphne wasn't the maid. 351 00:12:43,837 --> 00:12:46,041 She was Frasier's dad's physical therapist. 352 00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:47,945 -Right? -(indistinct chatter in Spanish) 353 00:12:47,979 --> 00:12:49,816 Nadja, acompáñanos, ¿sí? 354 00:12:49,849 --> 00:12:51,820 -Join us. -Uh... 355 00:12:51,853 --> 00:12:53,189 SILVIA: Por favor. 356 00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:55,226 Okay. (chuckles) Lovely. 357 00:12:55,259 --> 00:12:56,496 (Nadja laughing) 358 00:12:56,529 --> 00:12:59,301 VALERIA: Guillermo, your girlfriend was here this whole time, 359 00:12:59,334 --> 00:13:01,506 and you didn't invite her to eat with your family? 360 00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:04,912 Yes, Guillermo can be a little bit of a big rotten shit bag. 361 00:13:04,946 --> 00:13:06,950 -MIGUEL: (cackling) ¿Te llamó shit bag? -Yeah. 362 00:13:06,983 --> 00:13:10,356 One of my many sweet little cheeky pet names for him. 363 00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,193 My boyfriend and... 364 00:13:13,396 --> 00:13:15,501 -...boss. (clears throat) -MAITE: Guillermo, 365 00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:17,571 ¿me puedes enseñar dónde está el baño? 366 00:13:17,605 --> 00:13:19,174 GUILLERMO: Sí, claro, abuelita. 367 00:13:19,207 --> 00:13:20,844 -(chatter in Spanish) -SILVIA: Nadja, hola. 368 00:13:20,878 --> 00:13:22,380 I am his mom. 369 00:13:22,414 --> 00:13:24,217 -Bienvenidos. -Sí. 370 00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:27,324 Oh, sí, claro. 371 00:13:41,051 --> 00:13:43,890 GUILLERMO: I mean, I guess I never thought of it before, 372 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:44,926 but, yeah, it makes sense. 373 00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:46,195 If I have Van Helsing DNA, 374 00:13:46,228 --> 00:13:48,600 then so would my grandma and the rest of my family. 375 00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,136 Which makes it 376 00:13:50,169 --> 00:13:52,240 not-a-so good. 377 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:05,299 Los goosebumps. 378 00:14:06,936 --> 00:14:08,940 (iPad chiming) 379 00:14:13,984 --> 00:14:15,386 LASZLO: I haven't a clue who this 380 00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:17,323 Gena Lee Nolin is, but... 381 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,294 I wouldn't mind that in my lunch box. 382 00:14:19,327 --> 00:14:22,033 NANDOR: I have a question, Laszlo. 383 00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,104 What did you mean by what you said before? 384 00:14:24,137 --> 00:14:26,576 -What did I say before? -About the pistol. 385 00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,547 You said I was hardly an authority. 386 00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,149 LASZLO: Well, exactly that. 387 00:14:30,183 --> 00:14:32,521 You haven't seen any action in nigh on a millennium. 388 00:14:32,555 --> 00:14:35,393 Probably more accurate to call you a former soldier 389 00:14:35,426 --> 00:14:37,130 than a real soldier, wouldn't you say? 390 00:14:37,163 --> 00:14:41,238 I am and always will be Nandor the Relentless. 391 00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:43,142 I suppose I should not expect you to understand 392 00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:44,946 what it means to be a soldier. 393 00:14:44,979 --> 00:14:48,587 Were you not kicked out of your Rifle Corps, your fancy-pants 394 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,657 college for wealthy lads? 395 00:14:52,193 --> 00:14:53,964 I think you're referring to Eton, 396 00:14:53,997 --> 00:14:55,934 and I told you that in confidence. 397 00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:58,038 NANDOR: Surprise, surprise. 398 00:14:58,072 --> 00:14:59,976 The talk suddenly turns to Laszlo 399 00:15:00,009 --> 00:15:01,679 and he's put his sticky mag down. 400 00:15:01,713 --> 00:15:03,449 I was listening to everything. 401 00:15:03,482 --> 00:15:05,587 It's just the same old, shrill tune. 402 00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:07,223 NANDOR: Sounds like someone's 403 00:15:07,257 --> 00:15:09,394 a little jealous he's not the number one guy in the house. 404 00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:12,133 Says the guy who left the house to "find himself" 405 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,271 and come back with his tail between his legs. 406 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,609 That was an important step in my personal journey. 407 00:15:16,643 --> 00:15:18,312 And a good thing I did come back 408 00:15:18,345 --> 00:15:20,517 since the house went to piss-filled shit on your watch. 409 00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:23,422 You remember to watch your language in front of my boy. 410 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,527 Piss-filled shit house! 411 00:15:25,561 --> 00:15:26,930 Did you get that? 412 00:15:26,963 --> 00:15:28,365 -Yep. -I shouldn't be surprised. 413 00:15:28,399 --> 00:15:31,506 All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano 414 00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,109 or have sex with Nadja 415 00:15:33,142 --> 00:15:34,579 wherever and whenever you please! 416 00:15:34,612 --> 00:15:36,248 How is that an insult? 417 00:15:36,281 --> 00:15:39,555 Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit. 418 00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:41,458 NANDOR: You take and you take and you take. 419 00:15:41,493 --> 00:15:43,362 You took the seat in the Honda Element 420 00:15:43,395 --> 00:15:46,001 that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, 421 00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:47,303 even though you know 422 00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,107 that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element 423 00:15:49,141 --> 00:15:50,276 pushed right far back, 424 00:15:50,309 --> 00:15:52,480 and I have the longer legs! 425 00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,019 ♪ ♪ 426 00:15:55,052 --> 00:15:58,259 Did you just cock your weapon at me? 427 00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:02,233 I took that seat so I would have a diagonal vantage point 428 00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,972 to talk to my friend Sean fluidly. 429 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:06,408 NANDOR: I should've known. 430 00:16:06,441 --> 00:16:10,016 All the way back when we first moved into the mansion 431 00:16:10,049 --> 00:16:12,187 and you had first pick of the bedchambers, 432 00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:15,594 even though we all agreed that I would have first pick! 433 00:16:15,627 --> 00:16:17,230 Now you're being absurd. 434 00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:20,637 What the fuck's that? 435 00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:24,645 "Whereas we three vampires do agree 436 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:29,054 "upon the following order for the selection of bedchambers 437 00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:30,323 "on our new home 438 00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:32,495 on the rocky shores of Staten Island." 439 00:16:32,528 --> 00:16:33,730 (chuckles) 440 00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:36,301 "First pick, Nandor the Relentless." 441 00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:40,042 Well, suck on this. "Amendment: In the absence of all 442 00:16:40,076 --> 00:16:42,648 "household vampires at the appointed time 443 00:16:42,681 --> 00:16:44,251 "of bedchamber selection, 444 00:16:44,284 --> 00:16:47,423 "a quorum of two-thirds present 445 00:16:47,457 --> 00:16:51,064 may... pro... ceed." 446 00:16:51,098 --> 00:16:52,467 NANDOR: Unbelievable. 447 00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:54,605 You can't even stand to lose an argument, can you? 448 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:55,641 You know what you are? 449 00:16:55,674 --> 00:16:58,747 You are what my best friend Sean 450 00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:02,287 might describe as a proper jabroni. 451 00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,659 Shit. 452 00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:05,794 I am not a jabroni. 453 00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:07,463 -You are jabroni! -Jabroni. 454 00:17:07,498 --> 00:17:08,465 -Jabroni. -Jabroni. 455 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,369 -Jabroni. -Jabroni. 456 00:17:10,403 --> 00:17:11,405 Jabroni. 457 00:17:11,438 --> 00:17:13,042 Ahh! Shit! 458 00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,079 Shit, you shot me in the fucking hand. 459 00:17:15,112 --> 00:17:16,348 -Well, you would... -NANDOR: Ow! 460 00:17:16,381 --> 00:17:18,185 SEAN: What the hell is going on in here? 461 00:17:18,219 --> 00:17:19,454 I heard shots. 462 00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:20,456 No, you didn't. 463 00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:22,360 -Where's the kid? -NANDOR: He was right there. 464 00:17:22,393 --> 00:17:24,498 -SEAN: Door's open. -LASZLO: It's... Aw, shit. 465 00:17:24,532 --> 00:17:26,335 Oh, shit. 466 00:17:26,368 --> 00:17:27,337 (laughter) 467 00:17:27,370 --> 00:17:30,276 So you actually enjoy to eat a bowl of fungus. 468 00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,514 -Voluntarily? -All kinds of fungus. 469 00:17:32,548 --> 00:17:34,451 I'm not a "fun-guy." (laughing) 470 00:17:34,484 --> 00:17:36,255 NADJA: At first, I had no interest 471 00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:38,660 in pretending to be whoever this Daphne person is, 472 00:17:38,693 --> 00:17:42,300 but I am loving Gizmo's family. 473 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,237 You're so lovely and nice, compared to... 474 00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:47,778 Oh, here he is, my rotten little shit bag. 475 00:17:47,811 --> 00:17:49,447 -Come here. -(laughing) 476 00:17:49,481 --> 00:17:52,086 I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling 477 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,659 moonbeams are related to such a gray dud. 478 00:17:54,692 --> 00:17:57,498 Do all of you have a very bad visions like Guillermo? 479 00:17:57,531 --> 00:17:59,635 'Cause I have heard that the broken eyes 480 00:17:59,669 --> 00:18:01,104 can run in the families. 481 00:18:01,138 --> 00:18:02,574 No, no, no. I used to, but then I got 482 00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:04,144 the laser treatment, you know, that... 483 00:18:04,177 --> 00:18:05,379 (whistling) The Lasik. 484 00:18:05,413 --> 00:18:06,281 Lay-kips? 485 00:18:06,315 --> 00:18:08,218 -No. Lasik. -Lipschitz. 486 00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:09,354 -(yelling) Lasik! -(clattering) 487 00:18:09,387 --> 00:18:10,724 VALERIA: Ay, Dios Santo. Cálmate. 488 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,327 -That's what I said. -MIGUEL: Sorry. I'm sorry. 489 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,130 I didn't mean to yell all like that. 490 00:18:14,164 --> 00:18:15,701 I don't know what came over me. I just... you know. It's Lasik. 491 00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:18,272 -People know about this shit. -Uh... So, anyway, 492 00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,476 in my family we don't have the broken eyes, 493 00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:22,280 but all of the men have one arm 494 00:18:22,313 --> 00:18:23,817 quite a bit shorter than the other arm. 495 00:18:23,850 --> 00:18:26,254 MIGUEL: Fuck, is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me? 496 00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:29,294 Miguel, will you let her tell her fucking story? 497 00:18:29,327 --> 00:18:31,231 -Oh, oh. -MIGUEL: Má. 498 00:18:31,264 --> 00:18:34,170 VALERIA: Please, go on. Please, please. 499 00:18:34,204 --> 00:18:35,439 And so where-where was I? 500 00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:37,176 So the neighbors 501 00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:38,312 would shout at all the men, 502 00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:39,582 "Make your arms the same length!" 503 00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:40,917 I'm fucking, like about to catch on fire 504 00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:42,353 -or some shit. -(Spanish chatter) 505 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,823 MIGUEL: Something's fucking wrong, Memo. 506 00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,163 (shrieks) Eres un monstruo y debes de morir. 507 00:18:47,196 --> 00:18:48,833 What the fuck?! 508 00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:51,606 Demonio maldito chupa sangre, 509 00:18:51,639 --> 00:18:53,710 -aléjate de mi nieto. -(clamoring) 510 00:18:53,743 --> 00:18:55,614 (Nadja screaming) 511 00:18:55,647 --> 00:18:57,584 Abuelita, abuelita. 512 00:19:02,928 --> 00:19:04,331 -Fucking hell! -(clamoring) 513 00:19:04,364 --> 00:19:05,600 GUILLERMO: Abuelita, abuelita. 514 00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,337 -(Nadja shrieks) -No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 515 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,873 (indistinct shouts) 516 00:19:08,907 --> 00:19:11,879 Why is there so much fucking sharp wood in this house?! 517 00:19:11,913 --> 00:19:13,883 (overlapping shouts) 518 00:19:14,685 --> 00:19:16,756 GUILLERMO: Nadja, I really have to tell you something about my family! 519 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,493 Yes, Guillermo, I've put it together, 520 00:19:18,526 --> 00:19:19,929 -you bloody moron. -GUILLERMO: ¡Mami, no! 521 00:19:19,962 --> 00:19:21,465 (shouts) 522 00:19:21,499 --> 00:19:23,235 Oh, my God, we're here for a wedding... 523 00:19:23,268 --> 00:19:24,872 GUIDE: I think it's Pierce Brosnan. 524 00:19:24,905 --> 00:19:26,609 He has to be the papa, no? 525 00:19:26,642 --> 00:19:28,613 -NADJA DOLL : Obviously. -I hope he is, 526 00:19:28,646 --> 00:19:31,351 but I worry there will be a twist. 527 00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:32,888 How long is this movie? 528 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,257 GUILLERMO: Nadja! 529 00:19:34,290 --> 00:19:35,794 You come into my house? 530 00:19:35,827 --> 00:19:39,434 Do you have any idea who the fuck you are messing with? 531 00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:41,906 -(yelling in Spanish) -Never mind. 532 00:19:42,674 --> 00:19:44,545 Don't hurt her! 533 00:19:44,578 --> 00:19:45,914 MAITE: ¡Demonio! 534 00:19:45,947 --> 00:19:48,252 (grunting) No. No, no. 535 00:19:48,285 --> 00:19:49,722 Stop, stop, stop, stop, don't hurt her! 536 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,458 No, Mami. No, no, no! 537 00:19:51,492 --> 00:19:53,663 Guillermo, ella es un monstruo, peligroso, malvado. 538 00:19:53,697 --> 00:19:55,767 Yes, I know, I know, okay? I know she's a vampire. 539 00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:58,372 I've always known. Nadja lives in this house. 540 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,677 Okay? And so do another group of vampires. 541 00:20:00,711 --> 00:20:03,248 -And I don't work at the railroad. -(shushes) 542 00:20:03,282 --> 00:20:04,652 I work for them. 543 00:20:04,685 --> 00:20:06,388 -(groans) -I work for the vampires who live here 544 00:20:06,421 --> 00:20:08,727 because I hope to become a vampire myself one day. 545 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,431 -(gasps) -And Nadja is not my girlfriend... 546 00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:14,705 ...because I'm gay. 547 00:20:14,739 --> 00:20:16,542 Aw. 548 00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:20,015 -(sighs) Mijo. -Wait. 549 00:20:20,049 --> 00:20:21,418 You want to be a vampire? 550 00:20:21,451 --> 00:20:22,588 NADJA: Hey! 551 00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,759 Being a vampire is very cool. (hisses) 552 00:20:24,792 --> 00:20:26,829 We don't give a shit about you being gay. 553 00:20:26,863 --> 00:20:28,265 We've known that forever, I mean... 554 00:20:28,298 --> 00:20:29,568 -Yeah, we knew that. -Una madre sabe. 555 00:20:29,602 --> 00:20:31,572 -Una madre sabe. -Really? Everyone knew? 556 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,841 -MIGUEL: Come on, Mo. -¿Todos? 557 00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:34,277 Familia es familia, homie. 558 00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:35,981 (whoops) I was so worried because I... 559 00:20:36,014 --> 00:20:38,485 -We love you. -Oh, mami, gracias. 560 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,955 (laughing) 561 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,826 -Oh, gracias. -(Nadja hisses) 562 00:20:41,859 --> 00:20:43,897 -No, wait, she's gonna try to kill you. -Ay! 563 00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,602 Come out, Baby Colin Robinson. 564 00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,773 -LASZLO: Nandor. -Oh, Baby Colin Robinson! 565 00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:51,746 Nandor, look, I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I... 566 00:20:51,779 --> 00:20:53,983 You shot me. 567 00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,453 See? 568 00:20:55,486 --> 00:20:57,056 LASZLO: No, I shot at you, it's true. 569 00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,296 But you've been a fucking pill this whole trip, 570 00:21:00,329 --> 00:21:01,431 and for no good reason. 571 00:21:01,465 --> 00:21:03,703 Maybe I did have a reason, 572 00:21:03,736 --> 00:21:04,839 which was... 573 00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,976 I was a little upset 574 00:21:07,009 --> 00:21:10,015 thinking about "guy time," 575 00:21:10,049 --> 00:21:12,320 how we don't have it so much, you and I. 576 00:21:12,353 --> 00:21:13,923 We used to. Now you're always 577 00:21:13,957 --> 00:21:15,594 clinking beers with Sean 578 00:21:15,627 --> 00:21:19,735 or rehearsing songs with the Baby Colin Robinson. 579 00:21:19,768 --> 00:21:21,471 We never hang anymore. 580 00:21:21,506 --> 00:21:22,774 Bro, I'm not very comfortable 581 00:21:22,808 --> 00:21:25,012 with emotional flamboyance, as well you know. 582 00:21:25,045 --> 00:21:26,616 I'll be brief. 583 00:21:26,649 --> 00:21:28,920 My feelings aren't too dissimilar to your own. 584 00:21:28,953 --> 00:21:30,356 I've missed us. 585 00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,594 -All right. -(iPad chiming) 586 00:21:32,628 --> 00:21:33,462 Baby Colin! 587 00:21:33,496 --> 00:21:35,567 -LASZLO: Boy! -Baby. 588 00:21:36,368 --> 00:21:37,871 Hey, guys. 589 00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:40,009 What have I told you about running off, you little prick? 590 00:21:40,042 --> 00:21:41,612 I heard something weird outside, 591 00:21:41,646 --> 00:21:43,081 but you were too busy fighting about jabronis and... 592 00:21:43,115 --> 00:21:45,486 -SEAN: Help! -Sean? 593 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:46,889 -Shit. -NANDOR: Quickly. 594 00:21:46,923 --> 00:21:48,526 Oh, boy. 595 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,497 -LASZLO: Over there. -COLIN: Jeepers. 596 00:21:50,530 --> 00:21:52,534 -NANDOR: The fuck is that shit? -SEAN: Kill me! 597 00:21:52,568 --> 00:21:54,070 The Jersey Devil, fucking hell. 598 00:21:54,103 --> 00:21:56,776 NANDOR: He's real? Look at the size of his balls. 599 00:21:56,809 --> 00:21:58,646 Where's my magic flute? 600 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,051 I hid it in the car 'cause it was annoying me. 601 00:22:01,084 --> 00:22:04,658 SEAN: Kill me and get it over with! 602 00:22:04,692 --> 00:22:07,096 -NANDOR: Shoo. Go away. -(growls) 603 00:22:07,129 --> 00:22:09,635 ♪ ♪ 604 00:22:12,808 --> 00:22:14,812 Yes, it's working. 605 00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:15,914 (snarls) 606 00:22:15,947 --> 00:22:17,651 He's falling under your spell. 607 00:22:19,989 --> 00:22:21,458 -Yes. -(growls) 608 00:22:21,492 --> 00:22:23,395 Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa. 609 00:22:23,428 --> 00:22:24,598 COLIN: Oh, shit. 610 00:22:24,632 --> 00:22:25,800 -I'm gonna get my shotty. -Nandor... 611 00:22:25,834 --> 00:22:27,804 I've been double crossed by the devil. 612 00:22:27,838 --> 00:22:29,942 Hey, fuckhead, that's my friend you've got there, 613 00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:30,944 you let him go! 614 00:22:30,977 --> 00:22:32,848 -Hey! -(screeches) 615 00:22:32,881 --> 00:22:33,983 -Lights out! -Aah! 616 00:22:34,017 --> 00:22:35,554 -Kick him in the dick. -Oh, yes. 617 00:22:35,587 --> 00:22:37,456 -He's on me! -He's not going down. 618 00:22:37,490 --> 00:22:39,662 -(grunts) -Oh, shit. 619 00:22:39,695 --> 00:22:40,864 (growls) 620 00:22:40,897 --> 00:22:43,603 Hey, Siri, play some New Jersey music. 621 00:22:43,636 --> 00:22:45,406 (Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi playing) 622 00:22:45,439 --> 00:22:46,676 Get your hands off my ass. 623 00:22:46,709 --> 00:22:48,412 LASZLO: This isn't what I want to be doing. 624 00:22:48,445 --> 00:22:49,748 Grab his balls, man. 625 00:22:49,782 --> 00:22:52,420 -I've got them, I've got them! -No, that's me. 626 00:22:52,453 --> 00:22:55,092 (grunting) 627 00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:56,996 Fucking hell. 628 00:22:57,029 --> 00:23:00,770 ♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪ 629 00:23:00,804 --> 00:23:02,741 ♪ Union's been on strike ♪ 630 00:23:02,774 --> 00:23:04,578 Hold on, I'll skip to the good part. 631 00:23:04,612 --> 00:23:07,116 ♪ We're halfway there ♪ 632 00:23:07,149 --> 00:23:08,720 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 633 00:23:08,753 --> 00:23:10,590 -♪ Livin' on a prayer ♪ -COLIN: Yeah. 634 00:23:10,624 --> 00:23:12,694 -♪ Take my hand... ♪ -Get him, Lazzo. 635 00:23:12,728 --> 00:23:14,565 -♪ We'll make it, I swear ♪ -LASZLO: Human form! 636 00:23:14,598 --> 00:23:16,569 ♪ Whoa-oh... ♪ 637 00:23:16,602 --> 00:23:19,107 Kill him, get his button cock. 638 00:23:19,140 --> 00:23:20,610 It's working, I'm draining him. 639 00:23:20,644 --> 00:23:23,115 I'm draining him, too. 640 00:23:23,148 --> 00:23:24,885 Hey, I found the rifle! 641 00:23:24,919 --> 00:23:26,187 (groans) 642 00:23:26,221 --> 00:23:27,858 Fucking Jersey. 643 00:23:27,891 --> 00:23:29,495 Okay, can we go home now? 644 00:23:29,528 --> 00:23:32,466 Prepare to die, you vile 645 00:23:32,501 --> 00:23:33,770 -vampire... -No, Nadja, no, don't, please. 646 00:23:33,803 --> 00:23:35,540 Okay? I didn't know you were even here, 647 00:23:35,573 --> 00:23:37,143 -and I tried to warn you... -Shut up, Guillermo. 648 00:23:37,176 --> 00:23:38,211 I am about to drink 649 00:23:38,245 --> 00:23:40,149 the blood of your entire family 650 00:23:40,182 --> 00:23:41,619 of vampire-killing evil verm... 651 00:23:41,652 --> 00:23:42,921 No, no, stop, okay? Please. 652 00:23:42,955 --> 00:23:44,625 I'm begging you. Just hypnotize them, okay? 653 00:23:44,658 --> 00:23:45,760 Hypnotize them so they forget everything. 654 00:23:45,794 --> 00:23:47,497 Like it or not, they're my family. 655 00:23:47,531 --> 00:23:49,635 Just... just like you're my family, Nadja. 656 00:23:49,668 --> 00:23:52,608 NADJA: I so rarely care what Guillermo thinks 657 00:23:52,641 --> 00:23:53,743 or feels or says or does, 658 00:23:53,776 --> 00:23:55,145 but I know what it is like 659 00:23:55,179 --> 00:23:57,551 to watch your entire family die in front of you. 660 00:23:57,584 --> 00:23:59,020 And it's not great. 661 00:23:59,053 --> 00:24:02,026 I watched my Uncle Andreas get crushed to death by a donkey, 662 00:24:02,059 --> 00:24:03,563 and the donkey was his wife. 663 00:24:03,596 --> 00:24:05,767 And then she, the donkey, died of alcoholism. 664 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,906 And now I have had no real family for hundreds of years. 665 00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:10,944 Also, if Guillermo doesn't have a family, 666 00:24:10,977 --> 00:24:12,914 is he going to start calling me "mami"? 667 00:24:12,948 --> 00:24:14,918 Bad enough his relationship with Nandor, so, no, thank you. 668 00:24:14,952 --> 00:24:15,920 (retching) 669 00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:16,922 Okay, fine! 670 00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,693 -But on one condition. -Anything. 671 00:24:18,726 --> 00:24:20,930 Keep Nandor, Laszlo, and the small Colin creature 672 00:24:20,964 --> 00:24:23,101 away from the house at least one night a month 673 00:24:23,135 --> 00:24:24,772 so I can have it to myself. 674 00:24:24,805 --> 00:24:25,406 And... 675 00:24:25,439 --> 00:24:27,978 obtain for me a copy of... 676 00:24:28,011 --> 00:24:32,053 Mamma Mia! 2: Here We Go Again. 677 00:24:32,086 --> 00:24:34,525 I'm just super glad that everything worked out. 678 00:24:34,558 --> 00:24:35,894 And that my family is safe. 679 00:24:35,927 --> 00:24:38,933 And that they were hypnotized and now the house will be safe. 680 00:24:38,966 --> 00:24:40,837 Most importantly, I'm just glad that 681 00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:43,075 they finally know the truth about me. 682 00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:45,212 Well, besides the bit about you working at the railroad. 683 00:24:45,245 --> 00:24:46,214 Okay, yeah. 684 00:24:46,247 --> 00:24:47,617 And the giant bit 685 00:24:47,651 --> 00:24:49,220 about you being desperate to be a vampire. 686 00:24:49,253 --> 00:24:50,824 Okay, yeah, but Nadja made sure 687 00:24:50,857 --> 00:24:52,961 that they remember the part about me... 688 00:24:52,995 --> 00:24:55,667 telling them that I'm gay, so... 689 00:24:55,700 --> 00:24:56,736 NADJA: I mean, 690 00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:57,971 who isn't gay? 691 00:24:58,005 --> 00:24:59,073 A lot of people. 692 00:24:59,107 --> 00:25:00,275 Oh, okay. (whoops) 693 00:25:00,309 --> 00:25:02,113 I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry. 694 00:25:02,146 --> 00:25:04,551 (sighs) Shade. 695 00:25:04,585 --> 00:25:07,691 NANDOR: After we vanquished the Jersey Devil, we drove home 696 00:25:07,724 --> 00:25:09,962 -before sunrise. -No, I drove. 697 00:25:09,995 --> 00:25:11,966 We hypnotized Sean, but I'm worried that we fucked him. 698 00:25:11,999 --> 00:25:13,970 -Oh, you can make a pizza tree? -Uh-huh. 699 00:25:14,003 --> 00:25:16,842 SEAN: I just made ten Robux. What's the street value to that? 700 00:25:16,876 --> 00:25:19,581 NANDOR: But we did manage to bring home a little 701 00:25:19,615 --> 00:25:21,251 souvenir from our weekend. 702 00:25:21,284 --> 00:25:22,988 ♪ ♪ 703 00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:24,825 What the fuck is that? 704 00:25:26,127 --> 00:25:29,902 ("Devil's Gotta Dance" by Bryan Paul Bell playing) 705 00:25:29,935 --> 00:25:32,106 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 706 00:25:32,139 --> 00:25:34,578 ♪ The devil's got to dance ♪ 707 00:25:34,611 --> 00:25:38,586 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 708 00:25:38,619 --> 00:25:42,894 ♪ Just let the preacher know I did due diligence ♪ 709 00:25:42,928 --> 00:25:45,299 ♪ But the saints don't stand a chance ♪ 710 00:25:45,332 --> 00:25:48,873 ♪ If the devil's got to dance ♪ 711 00:25:52,113 --> 00:25:56,889 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance ♪ 712 00:26:00,764 --> 00:26:05,105 ♪ The devil's got to dance, the devil's got to dance. ♪ 713 00:26:11,184 --> 00:26:19,802 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org