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Baby Colin is miserable,
2
00:00:01,392 --> 00:00:02,741
and it's a mystery to me.
3
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Seems like only yesterday
when he danced and sang and was
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full of joys and smiles.
5
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Now he barely talks to me.
6
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And when he does,
it's very unpleasant.
7
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Shit. Have you got enough toys
on the floor?
8
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,497
I say, can you take
the headphones off?
9
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,890
My headphones are on.
10
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,152
Yeah, I know.
Can you take them off?
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Just for one second.
12
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Hold on. What?
13
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I was thinking, why don't we hop
the fence at the zoo
14
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and see if those baby rhinos
have grown
15
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- since the last time we
- Yeah, I'm kind of busy
right now.
16
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:33,337
looked at them.
17
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,296
Thank you.
18
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,340
Why are you still here?
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00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,255
- Okay. Uh...
- Huh?
20
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,605
I know he has
the body of a man now,
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but it was literally last week
when he was but a small boy.
22
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And I've read
all the relevant literature
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on the trials and tribulations
of being a young person,
24
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but it's provided me
with no guidance at all.
25
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He doesn't even enjoy
his playdates anymore.
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- He's really had quite
the growth spurt, hasn't he?
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Ain't that the truth, Alison?
You see, he's on the cusp
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- of that awkward age.
29
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- No, I'm on base. I'm on base!
30
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Dylan!
31
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:07,241
Dylan said that the staircase
32
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:11,201
was base, and I was touching
base, but he hit me anyway!
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- It wasn't fair!
- It's all right.
34
00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:15,249
I wish you were dead, Dylan!
35
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,120
- No, no, come on.
No, you don't.
- Yes, I do!
36
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It's like he's half kid,
half adult.
37
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It's okay.
38
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I mean,
he looks like Colin Robinson
39
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,605
and he sounds like
Colin Robinson, but mentally
40
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- he's all over the place.
- So, you're gonna hold the bat.
41
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:28,392
- Why?
- As the other parental figure
in his life,
42
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,394
I thought I'd have the
opportunity to teach him things.
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Swing! All right!
44
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,745
- Okay. It's okay. I'll get it.
- It just happened so fast.
45
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:35,051
Just...
46
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So you really want
to look at the ball, okay?
47
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,968
- I did look at the ball.
- The only thing
that seems to give him
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any joy these days and has done
since he learned to walk
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00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:42,754
is hammering holes
50
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in his old room in the basement.
51
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Now, I've tried to stop him,
52
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,629
but it seems
like a healthy release
53
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,631
for this seemingly relentless
54
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and unwarranted anger.
55
00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:47,167
Now that we don't have
Baby Colin as our big draw,
56
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the nightclub has just gone
to a big steaming shit!
57
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,215
- I wouldn't say "shit," but...
- Well, I would.
58
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And we still don't have
even close to enough money
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- to repair the house.
- But we're not giving up.
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She's full of ideas, this one.
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I am. I still think
we should try
62
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,660
that all-vampire
freestyle rap battle again.
63
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It's no good.
Vampires are too hotheaded.
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00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:12,757
And then there was
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00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:15,673
the human
improvisational comedy troupe.
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00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:16,805
Okay, so, to get us started,
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00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:17,806
first we're gonna need
a suggestion.
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Suck each other's dicks!
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00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:20,591
- Yeah!
- Seems like vampires
70
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just don't get improv comedy.
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Because it's not funny.
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More like a location.
73
00:03:25,422 --> 00:03:26,554
Suck each other's dicks
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- in outer space!
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00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,296
You know, I really thought
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00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,341
that Laszlo showcasing
his new songs
77
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would be a big hit.
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00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,234
- Come on, join in, you stupid...
- Fuck off, Laszlo!
79
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,715
But we're still making
a little bit of income.
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00:03:57,759 --> 00:03:59,456
Yes, a little trickle.
81
00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:07,116
- But we're really scraping
82
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,335
- the bottom
- Shh.
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00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,380
of the old desperate barrel
at this point.
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00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,426
A lot of bachelorette parties.
85
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,299
And then we worked so hard
86
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,561
on the haunted house.
87
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:19,084
Seemed like a slam dunk.
88
00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:26,091
It's like, did they just order
the costumes off of Amazon?
89
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,963
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
90
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:30,922
Children's birthday parties
are now, unfortunately,
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00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,402
our biggest draw.
92
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:34,186
Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!
93
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:35,579
Upstairs out-of-bounds!
94
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,754
I got you!
95
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:37,755
This one!
96
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:39,148
He keeps cheating me!
97
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:42,891
It's just a phase.
He'll grow out of it.
98
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,327
Well, at the rate he's growing,
99
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:45,981
he should have grown out
of it already.
100
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,462
Well, at least he's not
a boring energy vampire.
101
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:51,508
I'd rather he was boring
than this insolent monster.
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00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,031
With respect,
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00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:55,599
the trouble is that neither
of you know how to speak
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00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:58,254
to the younger generation
in their own language.
105
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,386
What, and you do?
106
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,170
Some of my finest soldiers
107
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:02,432
were just teenagers.
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00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,347
It was essential to communicate
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00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,306
with them in their own lingo--
110
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,220
or gutter patois, if you will--
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00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:10,440
to inspire and motivate them
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00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,224
onto the battlefield
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00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,531
because we'd usually put
the youngsters at the front.
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- And they would instantly
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00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:18,318
be mowed down
by the attacking army.
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00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:19,667
So they were always a little
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reluctant to stand there.
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00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:24,585
- You know what? I will fix.
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00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,717
We're fucked.
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00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,242
Watch and learn.
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00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:36,379
Very cool tunes.
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00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,729
I, too, get off on rocking out
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00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,557
to cool tunes like these.
124
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:43,212
- But you know,
125
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:44,822
there's more to life
than just...
126
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,655
- Dude.
- But you know,
127
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,353
there's more to life than just
128
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:55,442
rocking out to cool tunes.
129
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:57,182
- Like what?
- Ah,
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00:05:57,226 --> 00:05:59,184
you're probably
too young to grok
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00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:01,404
what I'm trying to lay down.
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00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:03,319
One of the all-time
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00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,540
coolest ways of rocking out
is to be nice and polite
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00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:09,673
to your housemates
and to your elders.
135
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,719
Wow. R-Really?
136
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,025
A-A-And you think
this could work for me?
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00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:16,550
I... I do.
138
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,160
Thanks, man.
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00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:20,380
Uh, thank you for blessing me
140
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,251
with these pearls of wisdom.
141
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,688
You are very welcome...
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00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,168
man.
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00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:27,691
You see?
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00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:30,781
You just have to know
how to speak their language.
145
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:35,046
If anyone complains,
that's when you can kill them.
146
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:37,266
And I was wondering...
Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.
147
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,181
- Oh.
- May I introduce to you
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00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:41,226
to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?
149
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,619
- Hmm.
- Oh.
150
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:44,447
Mr. Barnum was just
giving me some great advice
151
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,710
- about bringing in the crowds.
- Mm-hmm.
152
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,539
Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us
just one moment.
153
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,541
Okay, thank you.
154
00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:54,718
P.T. Barnum died
over 150 years ago.
155
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:57,025
- Is he a vampire?
- Yeah, don't ask me to explain.
156
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:58,722
Well, I feel like I must
ask you to explain.
157
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:00,768
- Ah, it's no big deal.
- Well, I'm your boss,
158
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,247
so do you want me
to use my loud voice?
159
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:03,727
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, for...
- Oh, hi.
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00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:07,035
Uh, hey, uh, sorry,
I-I feel like I'm interrupting.
161
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:08,428
- You are.
- Oh.
162
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,951
I just wanted to give you
163
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:12,083
this CD of some songs that I
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00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:15,435
burned for you. I mean,
I-I didn't burn it just for you,
165
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,741
'cause that'd be
creepy and pathetic.
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00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:20,265
Well, I had an extra CD,
I guess, and so...
167
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:21,353
Thank you, Colin.
168
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:23,225
I will definitely figure out
169
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,401
how to listen to this.
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00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,924
If you like the songs,
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00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:29,884
maybe we could
hang out sometime.
172
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:32,495
And if you don't like the songs,
I don't really give a shit.
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00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,889
So, either way, it's,
you know, whatever.
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00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,934
All right, later. Bye.
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00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:39,676
- Speak, bitch.
- All right.
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00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,070
But you mustn't breathe
a word of this to anyone.
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00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:46,509
Over the last few decades,
I have come across
178
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,729
some books in the
Vampiric Council library
179
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:51,166
that contain
the most forbidden-est
180
00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:53,951
of secret knowledges,
and I have learned
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00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:56,345
the ancient art form
of summoning the dead.
182
00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,175
- But this is witchcraft.
183
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:01,524
Cut that out.
184
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:04,484
So you can bring any person
back from the dead?
185
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,616
Only the ones that I own
the souls of.
186
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:07,965
One moment.
187
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:09,880
Mr. Barnum,
right this way, please.
188
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:13,754
May I present...
189
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:15,625
the second finest collection
190
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:18,323
of human dead souls
in these United States.
191
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,499
Wow.
192
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,152
And who has
the finest collection?
193
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,154
Some rich computer guy.
194
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:26,810
So, um, how do you turn
these souls back into people?
195
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,943
Now, sadly,
196
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:31,598
once the souls are reanimated
into human form,
197
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,643
they only live
for about 24 hours
198
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:35,602
and then they dissolve back
199
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,560
into the ingredients
from whence they came.
200
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,344
- Oh. Ooh.
- Okay, hand me the soul.
201
00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:42,696
Okay. Thank you. And in it goes.
202
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:45,742
Oh, it stinks.
203
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,570
That's life, baby.
Take it in.
204
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:48,658
Hello?
205
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:54,272
- Ah!
206
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,491
It worked.
207
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,493
- Scott Joplin, I presume?
208
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,669
Happy to make your acquaintance,
madam.
209
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,758
- And yours.
- Uh, and you as well, madam.
210
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,369
Look, uh, we all make mistakes.
211
00:09:04,413 --> 00:09:05,762
It's no big deal.
212
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,068
Well, it kind of is
a big deal, Sean,
213
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:08,417
'cause he stole your car.
214
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,723
I was gonna bring it back.
215
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,028
I beg your pardon?
216
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,074
I said I was going
to bring it back.
217
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,641
Listen, he was just taking it
218
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,077
for a little joyride.
219
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,208
Colin, maybe you could help us
220
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:18,383
understand
what you were thinking.
221
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,603
- I don't know.
- Your behavior
222
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,518
is nothing like
the Colin we know.
223
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,260
The Colin you know?
You don't know me at all.
224
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:28,263
I mean, you can't tell me
who my parents are
225
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,134
or where I came from
226
00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:32,397
or why I have these
thoughts in my head
227
00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:34,225
about hammering holes
228
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:36,314
- in the wall.
- We don't know ourselves!
229
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:38,142
You can't tell me why I grew
230
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:41,232
a foot and a half overnight
like a human radish.
231
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:42,930
Listen, you ungrateful fuck,
you're giving me the pip.
232
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,366
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- We're doing our best here.
233
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,020
Oh, well, that makes me feel
so much better.
234
00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,238
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, guys, guys.
235
00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:48,239
All right, you cheeky fuck.
236
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,240
Things are getting
237
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:50,372
a little too heated in here.
238
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,721
Yeah, 'cause he
fucking started it.
239
00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:52,809
- He started it.
- Okay, listen,
240
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,506
my dad and I used to fight
241
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:55,899
like this all the time!
242
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,901
And nothing good came from it!
243
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,164
- You understand me?
- Yes.
244
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,731
- Okay.
- But my pops and I,
245
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:04,734
we were able to figure out a way
to settle our differences.
246
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:07,911
And that's what we're gonna do
right now. So, get up.
247
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:08,999
- What?
- Get up.
248
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,435
Both of youse.
249
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,612
Let's do it.
You can trust Seanie.
250
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,004
All right, face each other.
251
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,050
- We are.
- Good. Make eye contact.
252
00:10:16,093 --> 00:10:18,966
Okay? Good enough.
253
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,184
Now, I'm gonna
count down from three.
254
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:22,926
When I say go, start swinging.
255
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:24,536
- Wait, what?
- First one to tap out,
256
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,929
other one's
head of the household.
257
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:27,931
- Three, two, one...
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
258
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:30,107
- We're not doing that.
- Come on!
259
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:32,719
Wait, it-it's-it's all right.
I feel better now.
260
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,938
I'm sorry
that I disappointed you.
261
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,853
Mm.
262
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,202
There's got to be a "but."
263
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:41,118
No, no "buts."
Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can
264
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:43,120
go find a tow truck and get your
265
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:45,122
- car out of Richmond Creek.
- Good man.
266
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,777
Come on. I mean,
I'd rather take the insurance,
267
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:48,865
but...
268
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:52,347
He's a lot calmer
and more pleasant
269
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,522
when he's made me angry.
270
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,698
- He's feeding on us.
271
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,265
- But not by boring us,
272
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,397
but by infuriating us.
273
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,269
- I think you might be right.
- Colin Robinson
274
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:03,706
is and will always be
275
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,621
- an energy vampire.
- Yeah.
276
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,492
Which means I have to tell him.
277
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:10,670
I have to tell him
exactly what he is.
278
00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:14,891
Why didn't you tell me
about this secret wisdom
279
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:17,154
and this collection of souls?
I can't believe it.
280
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,982
Well, you don't seem
very interested
281
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,810
when I try to share things
about my life.
282
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,899
- Hey, what about asking
283
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:25,728
Diamond Jim Brady for some tips
about the crowds, huh?
284
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:29,079
He was a noted gourmand
and nightlife habitué.
285
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,080
No.
286
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,300
The reanimated humans themselves
287
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,693
will be the show.
288
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,738
Imagine the crowds we will get.
289
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:38,741
The greatest minds
in all of human history
290
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,483
together onstage
for one night only
291
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,311
- at Nadja's.
- Wow.
292
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:46,009
I really should have
thought of that.
293
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:47,968
Yeah. It's actually
very troubling that you didn't.
294
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:50,405
Ah!
295
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,719
So, it's not going so well.
I told Nadja
296
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,243
she might want to do some
homework before the panel,
297
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,419
but she said she just
wanted to wing it.
298
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:14,124
Wow. Food for thought,
Mr. Tchaikovsky.
299
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:16,997
Food for bloody thought.
Now, um,
300
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,781
Lady Murasaki Shikibu,
301
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,653
some say your Tales of Genji
302
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:24,874
created the literary form
we now call the novel.
303
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:27,268
So, I must ask you,
304
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,574
where do you get
your ideas from?
305
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,712
Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want
306
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,192
to jump in anytime,
just feel like a normal
307
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:40,498
conversation, where we all
cut in each other and...
308
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,329
Too true.
309
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:47,375
- An energy vampire?
- Yeah.
310
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,899
And so there's...
311
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,163
like, nothing I can do
to-to change it?
312
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,296
No. I'm afraid not, my boy.
313
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,254
You see, it's genetics.
It's beyond our control.
314
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,082
If I'd have been told
when I was your age
315
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,128
that I'd be burdened
with rugged good looks,
316
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:03,521
a rapier wit, and a thick cock,
317
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:06,916
I, too, would have protested,
but, uh, them's the breaks.
318
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,484
Just... an energy vampire,
319
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,442
it just, it sounds so awful.
320
00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:13,096
Yeah, it's not great.
321
00:13:14,706 --> 00:13:17,100
Well, why didn't you
do something?
322
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:19,189
You should have ought
to done something about it
323
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,625
instead of just sitting here.
324
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,585
You know the saying,
"Man makes plans and...
325
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,369
hmm, laughs."
326
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:26,457
Who, God?
327
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,329
- Now you're blaming God?
328
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,548
Who next, Baby Jesus?!
329
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,855
- I hate you!
330
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,466
Shit, that's painful.
331
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:38,469
I'm doing fine, I guess.
332
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:39,949
You know, with
Nandor's wife Marwa gone
333
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,733
and Colin basically
all grown up,
334
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:44,171
I feel like there's not much
for me to do around here.
335
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:47,870
So, I guess this is what
it feels like
336
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,306
to be an empty nester.
337
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:51,613
I never thought
I'd get bored of this job
338
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,136
'cause there's always
339
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,617
something to do,
but nothing ever changes,
340
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,184
even in my personal life.
341
00:13:57,227 --> 00:13:58,489
I found my first boyfriend,
and he...
342
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,491
left me for himself.
343
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:03,625
It's back to where it all
started and the same
344
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:05,366
day in, day out.
345
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,324
It's like hamsters
in those wheels.
346
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:08,978
I'm a hamster in a...
347
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:11,851
wheel.
348
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:23,427
Knock, knock.
Seeing if you need anything.
349
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:25,865
No. All good. Thanks.
350
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,214
You're kind of quiet lately.
351
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:30,130
Are you sad
because Marwa's gone?
352
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:32,436
There's nothing like
the end of a relationship
353
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,178
to really make one
appreciate being alone.
354
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,876
So that's it?
355
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,529
- That is what?
- It was so important
356
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:39,835
for you to find a wife
357
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,097
and have a huge wedding,
358
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:43,926
and now that's all gone,
and you're just fine?
359
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,754
Pretty much, yeah.
360
00:14:45,797 --> 00:14:48,888
Don't you feel like nothing
ever changes around here?
361
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,194
Like, every day
just leads to the next
362
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:52,674
and then the next,
and before you know it,
363
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:55,024
years go by?
364
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:58,027
Yes. Isn't it wonderful?
365
00:14:58,071 --> 00:14:59,333
Okay.
366
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,379
So then what's next?
367
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:03,815
As you may have noticed,
368
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:06,035
I've really got back
into reading books,
369
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,384
so I think
370
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,560
I'm just gonna do this
for a while.
371
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,910
- Oh, for how long?
- Not long.
372
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,260
15 years, maybe 20.
373
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,240
As I once said,
374
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:39,590
you can only win over
the opponent...
375
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,462
We figured out,
we don't need to do these
376
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:42,854
in front of a live audience.
377
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:45,553
We can reach a bigger group
of people by simply
378
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:48,121
recording it and then
broadcasting it electronically.
379
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,949
Hello, and welcome to
380
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,863
Talk History with Nadja
of Antipaxos.
381
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:53,517
On tonight's episode...
382
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:56,390
Then we can make money
by selling advertising on it.
383
00:15:56,433 --> 00:16:00,089
Hatred is the
subtlest form of violence...
384
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:01,873
If I could just, uh,
quickly interrupt for a moment.
385
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,484
Would you be so kind
as to read off
386
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,442
- this card, Mr. Gandhi?
- Mm.
387
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,749
"Pan-seared steaks
388
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:09,751
"with hot honey biscuits.
389
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:13,102
"Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas.
390
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:16,236
"And those are just two
of the signature dishes
391
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,541
- coming from"
- Mmm, mmm.
392
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,456
"Blue Apron this month."
393
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,806
Yum, yum, yum.
But tell me, Mahatma,
394
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,025
when was the first time
395
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,984
you tried Blue Apron?
396
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:27,638
Fuck it. Give it here.
I'll read it.
397
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,336
Oh, no, no, no, sorry,
Mr. Hemingway.
398
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:30,641
I-I wanted you to do
399
00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:32,643
the Casper mattresses one
before the next break.
400
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:37,909
So, the money
from our sponsorships
401
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:40,521
was dependent on total
listeners. We made Guillermo
402
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,611
listen 11 times
and made 0.6 cents.
403
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,441
All that witchcraft for nothing.
404
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,182
Turns out the world
just isn't ready
405
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,227
for electronic audio stories.
406
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:52,837
It also has no use
407
00:16:52,881 --> 00:16:54,491
for a vampire nightclub.
408
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:56,798
Enough is enough.
409
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:58,843
I told The Guide to go
and sleep at my house
410
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,845
for a girls night,
and she obviously
411
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:03,065
jumped far too enthusiastically
at that chance.
412
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:05,459
Ciao. Au revoir.
413
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,722
I told the wraiths that
they've been working too hard,
414
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:09,158
so they should go on vacation.
415
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,160
Send me a postcard.
See you when you're back.
416
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,728
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
417
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,340
You guys should probably
get out of here.
418
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:19,821
It's over.
419
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,828
I said get out.
Fuck off.
420
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:33,634
Move.
421
00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,850
This is all my fault.
If I had not accepted
422
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,765
your kind invitation
last night--
423
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,332
- thank you again, by the way.
- Mm-hmm.
424
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:04,855
I would have been here,
and I could have
425
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:06,509
- kept this from happening.
- Listen,
426
00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:08,729
we can't be everywhere
all the time, can we?
427
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,905
No, but we did get lucky.
428
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:14,038
Nothing actually
got burned. Phew.
429
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:15,518
Nothing got burned?
430
00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:16,998
The blood sprinklers went off
431
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,826
and extinguished the fire
before it could
432
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:19,870
really get going.
433
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,220
- The blood sprinklers?
- Yes.
434
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:24,397
The blood sprinklers
that have never worked
435
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,182
any of the times we have tried
to make them work?
436
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,751
This is making me
very hungry.
437
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,929
So, your office
438
00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:36,670
is the only room that got burned
439
00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:38,411
because there are
no blood sprinklers in it.
440
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:39,586
Yes.
441
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:43,372
I am so upset right now.
442
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:44,895
So, I was just wondering, um,
443
00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:46,288
how much money
can we get for this?
444
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:47,985
Depends what kind
of insurance you have.
445
00:20:48,029 --> 00:20:50,423
What is "insur-suriance,"
446
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:51,902
and, uh, where can we get some?
447
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:55,297
Uh, probably a little late
for that at this point.
448
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:56,777
You said you had a floor plan
449
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,561
- I can take a look at?
- Yes, right this way.
450
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:00,389
Shit.
451
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:08,571
I haven't been making
the best decisions recently,
452
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:12,314
thanks to all the delicious
liquor blood I've been drinking.
453
00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:19,626
My money.
454
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:23,717
She was so fresh and green,
455
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,024
and now the faces are all burnt!
456
00:21:58,229 --> 00:21:59,970
No. The way it works
457
00:22:00,014 --> 00:22:01,885
is you buy the insurance
458
00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:03,757
before something bad happens,
459
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,193
- and then...
- No, I think, my friend,
460
00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:07,456
you buy. And did you buy? No.
461
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,415
How much money could we get
462
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,199
if we set him on fire?
463
00:22:11,242 --> 00:22:12,853
- Hey, hey. What's up?
464
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:14,289
How's it hanging?
465
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,291
L-O-L. R-O-F-L.
466
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:19,381
Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F.
467
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:22,993
All those acronyms,
I love them.
468
00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:26,649
Colin Robinson?
469
00:22:26,693 --> 00:22:28,085
Is it really you?
470
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:29,609
Well, it's not Don Knotts.
471
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,394
- But how the shit have you...
- Oh, well,
472
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:36,180
the great thing about keeping
a detailed diary is,
473
00:22:36,224 --> 00:22:39,662
if you ever forget
anything about your life,
474
00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:42,970
you can look it up.
It's also great
475
00:22:43,013 --> 00:22:45,581
for receipts.
Now, a lot of people
476
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:48,018
keep receipts,
but they forget to write down
477
00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:49,933
what they were for, which causes
478
00:22:49,977 --> 00:22:52,153
a major headache come tax time.
479
00:22:52,196 --> 00:22:54,677
Whether you hire
an accountant or
480
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:56,723
you do it online by yourself,
481
00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:58,159
you're gonna miss
some deductions
482
00:22:58,202 --> 00:23:00,683
because you won't
be able to reference
483
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:03,033
what they were
when Johnny Taxman
484
00:23:03,077 --> 00:23:04,513
- comes and...
- Colin Robinson,
tell me something,
485
00:23:04,557 --> 00:23:07,516
a while ago, we went to
a lads night at Sean's house,
486
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,692
and as we entered his premises,
487
00:23:09,736 --> 00:23:11,694
you used some ridiculous
childish voice.
488
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:14,393
Meesa Jar Jar Binks.
489
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,220
- It's him.
- Ah. Well,
490
00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:19,223
welcome back, original
Colin Robinson. Now,
491
00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:21,182
how much money do we have
in our bank account?
492
00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:25,099
Uh, around $655,415
493
00:23:25,142 --> 00:23:26,230
and change.
494
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:27,275
- Oh, yes, very nice.
495
00:23:27,318 --> 00:23:28,450
Now, I wanted to roll that
496
00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:30,191
into a Roth IRA,
not to be confused...
497
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:31,540
What's our
bank account PIN code?
498
00:23:31,584 --> 00:23:34,238
Oh, our personal
identification number
499
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:36,545
is 420, 69, 24, 7.
500
00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:38,155
I'll call the contractors
in the morning.
501
00:23:38,199 --> 00:23:41,245
Actually, if it's to fix up
this shithole,
502
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:42,246
I'll do it.
503
00:23:42,290 --> 00:23:43,900
If there's anything I enjoy more
504
00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:45,249
than managing a project,
505
00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,208
it's micromanaging a project.
506
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:50,733
And, so, after you
replace these pipes,
507
00:23:50,777 --> 00:23:52,474
- we're gonna want to put in...
- New Sheetrock and...
508
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:54,563
Excuse me, if I may finish.
509
00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:56,696
We're gonna want
to put on half-inch
510
00:23:56,739 --> 00:23:58,785
VOC-absorbing drywall,
511
00:23:58,828 --> 00:24:02,005
not Sheetrock,
as you mistakenly said.
512
00:24:02,049 --> 00:24:04,747
Uh, Laszlo, what do you want
to do with this race car bed?
513
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:06,575
Do you want to keep it,
or can we get rid of it?
514
00:24:06,619 --> 00:24:08,925
Well...
515
00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,318
that's your bed.
516
00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:11,537
Well, it was.
517
00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:13,495
I-I-I've never seen
this bed in my life.
518
00:24:13,539 --> 00:24:15,454
All right, well,
shitcan the bed.
519
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:16,759
Now let's head downstairs.
520
00:24:16,803 --> 00:24:19,283
I want to give you guys
a couple quick tips
521
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:22,504
on how to remove
old Formica tiling.
522
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:23,853
The asbestos
523
00:24:23,897 --> 00:24:25,202
in the adhesive
524
00:24:25,246 --> 00:24:26,595
- can become quite a...
- Colin?
525
00:24:26,639 --> 00:24:28,510
- Yeah.
- So, you really don't remember
526
00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:30,730
anything from the last year?
527
00:24:30,773 --> 00:24:32,601
Uh, no. Not really.
528
00:24:32,645 --> 00:24:35,169
I-I remember it was
my 100th birthday party,
529
00:24:35,212 --> 00:24:37,127
and I had a bit of,
uh, tummy trouble,
530
00:24:37,171 --> 00:24:39,129
- Right.
- and the next thing
I remember is,
531
00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:41,523
I'm reading my diaries,
and, yeah,
532
00:24:41,567 --> 00:24:43,090
everything in between's a blank.
533
00:24:43,133 --> 00:24:46,354
You don't remember me bringing
you up from a small baby?
534
00:24:46,397 --> 00:24:48,791
No. No, not at all.
535
00:24:48,835 --> 00:24:50,706
Do you remember, um,
536
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:52,926
me playing the piano
and you singing and dancing?
537
00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:55,798
And then sometimes we'd jump
over the fence at the zoo
538
00:24:55,842 --> 00:24:57,800
in the middle of the night
to look at the baby rhinos?
539
00:24:57,844 --> 00:25:00,629
Yeah, no.
Doesn't ring a single bell.
540
00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:01,978
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
541
00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:03,153
- You sure?
- Yeah.
542
00:25:03,197 --> 00:25:04,894
Do-do you smell toast
or anything?
543
00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:06,853
- I'm-I'm good.
- All right.
544
00:25:24,305 --> 00:25:25,872
Nothing ever changes
in this house.
545
00:25:25,915 --> 00:25:28,091
Nothing is ever going to change,
546
00:25:28,135 --> 00:25:29,440
unless I change it.
547
00:25:29,484 --> 00:25:31,442
So, that's it for me.
548
00:25:31,486 --> 00:25:33,444
Oh, and you guys can use my room
for storage if you want.
549
00:25:33,488 --> 00:25:35,011
I won't need it.
550
00:25:41,409 --> 00:25:42,889
Derek?
551
00:25:42,932 --> 00:25:44,151
Yeah, in the back.
552
00:25:45,152 --> 00:25:46,370
Derek.
553
00:25:46,414 --> 00:25:47,850
Yeah, back here.
554
00:25:47,894 --> 00:25:51,027
I just got to finish
this account. 24 times 18.
555
00:25:51,071 --> 00:25:53,682
Okay. What is so urgent?
556
00:25:53,726 --> 00:25:55,858
Well, Derek...
557
00:25:55,902 --> 00:25:57,860
this...
558
00:25:57,904 --> 00:25:59,209
is for you.
559
00:25:59,253 --> 00:26:01,255
Whoa.
560
00:26:01,298 --> 00:26:03,910
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Nothing.
561
00:26:03,953 --> 00:26:05,694
It's what you're about to do.
562
00:26:05,738 --> 00:26:06,956
Which is?
563
00:26:07,957 --> 00:26:10,003
You're gonna make me a vampire.