Baby Colin is miserable,
and it's a mystery to me.
[heavy metal playing through headphones]
Seems like only yesterday when he danced and sang and was
full of joys and smiles.
[singer screaming]
Now he barely talks to me.
And when he does, it's very unpleasant.
Shit. Have you got enough toys on the floor?
I say, can you take the headphones off?
My headphones are on.
Yeah, I know. Can you take them off?
Just for one second.
[sighs] Hold on. What?
I was thinking, why don't we hop the fence at the zoo
and see if those baby rhinos have grown
- since the last time we - Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.
looked at them.
Thank you.
Why are you still here?
- Okay. Uh... - Huh?
LASZLO: I know he has the body of a man now,
but it was literally last week when he was but a small boy.
And I've read all the relevant literature
on the trials and tribulations of being a young person,
but it's provided me with no guidance at all.
He doesn't even enjoy his playdates anymore.
- He's really had quite the growth spurt, hasn't he? - [Colin shouts]
Ain't that the truth, Alison? You see, he's on the cusp
- of that awkward age. - [giggles]
- [shouts] - No, I'm on base. I'm on base!
[crying]: Dylan!
Dylan said that the staircase
was base, and I was touching base, but he hit me anyway!
- [crying]: It wasn't fair! - It's all right.
I wish you were dead, Dylan!
- LASZLO: No, no, come on. No, you don't. - Yes, I do!
GUILLERMO: It's like he's half kid, half adult.
It's okay.
I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson
and he sounds like Colin Robinson, but mentally
- he's all over the place. - So, you're gonna hold the bat.
- Why? - As the other parental figure in his life,
I thought I'd have the opportunity to teach him things.
Swing! All right!
- Okay. It's okay. I'll get it. - It just happened so fast.
[chuckles] Just...
So you really want to look at the ball, okay?
- I did look at the ball. - LASZLO: The only thing that seems to give him
any joy these days and has done since he learned to walk
is hammering holes
in his old room in the basement.
Now, I've tried to stop him,
but it seems like a healthy release
for this seemingly relentless
and unwarranted anger.
["Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof playing]
♪ When did she get to be a beauty? ♪
♪ When did he grow to be so tall? ♪
♪ Wasn't it yesterday when they ♪
♪ Were small? ♪
♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
♪ Swiftly flow the days ♪
♪ Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers ♪
♪ Blossoming even when we gaze. ♪
[plays "You're Dead" riff on piano]
NADJA: Now that we don't have Baby Colin as our big draw,
the nightclub has just gone to a big steaming shit!
- I wouldn't say "shit," but... - Well, I would.
And we still don't have even close to enough money
- to repair the house. - But we're not giving up.
She's full of ideas, this one.
I am. I still think we should try
that all-vampire freestyle rap battle again.
It's no good. Vampires are too hotheaded.
♪ Why you out here competing? ♪
♪ Why's that hairline receding? ♪
- ♪ Why'd you even... ♪ - [shouts]
[gasping]
And then there was
the human improvisational comedy troupe.
Okay, so, to get us started,
first we're gonna need a suggestion.
VAMPIRE: Suck each other's dicks!
- VAMPIRE 2: Yeah! - GUIDE: Seems like vampires
just don't get improv comedy.
Because it's not funny.
More like a location.
VAMPIRE 1: Suck each other's dicks
- in outer space! - [vampire 2 laughs]
You know, I really thought
that Laszlo showcasing his new songs
would be a big hit.
♪ Is my song too complex? ♪
♪ Why you looking perplexed? ♪
♪ My intelligence is a ten ♪
♪ Yours are three and fours ♪
♪ It's not my fault ♪
♪ Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours ♪
- Come on, join in, you stupid... - VAMPIRE 2: Fuck off, Laszlo!
♪ It's not my... ♪
But we're still making a little bit of income.
Yes, a little trickle. [clears throat]
- ♪ It's not my fault ♪ - [booing]
♪ You thick pieces of shit ♪
- ♪ It's yours ♪ - [clinks]
- ♪ It's not my fault ♪ - But we're really scraping
- the bottom - Shh.
of the old desperate barrel at this point.
A lot of bachelorette parties.
- [whooping] - ♪ Throw it back, all the girls... ♪
GUIDE: And then we worked so hard
on the haunted house.
NADJA: Seemed like a slam dunk.
[thunder cracks]
[roaring]
It's like, did they just order the costumes off of Amazon?
- Yeah, let's get out of here. - [sighs]
Children's birthday parties are now, unfortunately,
our biggest draw.
Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!
Upstairs out-of-bounds!
I got you!
This one!
He keeps cheating me!
[exhales]
GUILLERMO: It's just a phase. He'll grow out of it.
Well, at the rate he's growing,
he should have grown out of it already.
Well, at least he's not a boring energy vampire.
I'd rather he was boring than this insolent monster.
NANDOR: With respect,
the trouble is that neither of you know how to speak
to the younger generation in their own language.
What, and you do? [chuckles]
Some of my finest soldiers
were just teenagers.
It was essential to communicate
with them in their own lingo--
or gutter patois, if you will--
to inspire and motivate them
onto the battlefield
because we'd usually put the youngsters at the front.
- [groans] - And they would instantly
be mowed down by the attacking army.
So they were always a little
reluctant to stand there.
- [groans] - You know what? I will fix.
We're fucked.
- [heavy metal playing] - [hammering]
Watch and learn.
Very cool tunes.
I, too, get off on rocking out
to cool tunes like these.
- [music ends] - But you know,
there's more to life than just...
[music resumes]
- Dude. - But you know,
there's more to life than just
rocking out to cool tunes.
- Like what? - Ah,
you're probably too young to grok
what I'm trying to lay down.
One of the all-time
coolest ways of rocking out is to be nice and polite
to your housemates and to your elders.
Wow. R-Really?
A-A-And you think this could work for me?
I... I do.
Thanks, man.
Uh, thank you for blessing me
with these pearls of wisdom.
You are very welcome...
man. [chuckles]
You see?
You just have to know how to speak their language.
NADJA: If anyone complains, that's when you can kill them.
And I was wondering... Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.
- Oh. [chuckles] - May I introduce to you
to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?
- Hmm. - Oh.
Mr. Barnum was just giving me some great advice
- about bringing in the crowds. - Mm-hmm.
Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us just one moment. [chuckles]
Okay, thank you. [chuckles]
P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago.
- Is he a vampire? - Yeah, don't ask me to explain.
Well, I feel like I must ask you to explain.
- Ah, it's no big deal. - Well, I'm your boss,
so do you want me to use my loud voice?
- Hi, guys. - Oh, for... - Oh, hi.
Uh, hey, uh, sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting.
- You are. - Oh.
I just wanted to give you
this CD of some songs that I
burned for you. I mean, I-I didn't burn it just for you,
'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic.
Well, I had an extra CD, I guess, and so...
Thank you, Colin.
I will definitely figure out
how to listen to this.
If you like the songs,
maybe we could hang out sometime.
And if you don't like the songs, I don't really give a shit.
So, either way, it's, you know, whatever.
All right, later. Bye.
- Speak, bitch. - All right.
But you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone.
[both clear throats]
Over the last few decades, I have come across
some books in the Vampiric Council library
that contain the most forbidden-est
of secret knowledges, and I have learned
the ancient art form of summoning the dead.
[gasps]
- But this is witchcraft. - [groans]
Cut that out.
So you can bring any person back from the dead?
Only the ones that I own the souls of.
One moment.
Mr. Barnum, right this way, please.
May I present...
the second finest collection
of human dead souls in these United States.
NADJA: Wow.
And who has the finest collection?
[sighs] Some rich computer guy.
So, um, how do you turn these souls back into people?
[chuckles] Now, sadly,
once the souls are reanimated into human form,
they only live for about 24 hours
and then they dissolve back
into the ingredients from whence they came.
- Oh. Ooh. - Okay, hand me the soul.
Okay. Thank you. And in it goes.
Oh, it stinks.
That's life, baby. Take it in. [sniffs]
MAN: Hello?
- [gasps] - [Guide squeals]
- [laughing] - Ah!
It worked.
- Scott Joplin, I presume? - [Scott chuckles]
Happy to make your acquaintance, madam. [chuckles]
- And yours. - Uh, and you as well, madam. - [chuckles]
SEAN: Look, uh, we all make mistakes.
It's no big deal.
Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean,
'cause he stole your car.
[mumbles]: I was gonna bring it back.
I beg your pardon?
I said I was going to bring it back.
SEAN: Listen, he was just taking it
for a little joyride.
Colin, maybe you could help us
understand what you were thinking.
- I don't know. - LASZLO: Your behavior
is nothing like the Colin we know.
The Colin you know? You don't know me at all.
I mean, you can't tell me who my parents are
or where I came from
or why I have these thoughts in my head
about hammering holes
- in the wall. - We don't know ourselves!
COLIN: You can't tell me why I grew
a foot and a half overnight like a human radish.
Listen, you ungrateful fuck, you're giving me the pip.
- SEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - We're doing our best here.
Oh, well, that makes me feel so much better.
SEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, guys.
LASZLO: All right, you cheeky fuck.
Things are getting
a little too heated in here.
Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it.
- He started it. - Okay, listen,
my dad and I used to fight
like this all the time!
And nothing good came from it!
- You understand me? - Yes.
- Okay. - SEAN: But my pops and I,
we were able to figure out a way to settle our differences.
And that's what we're gonna do right now. So, get up.
- What? - Get up.
Both of youse.
Let's do it. You can trust Seanie.
All right, face each other.
- We are. - Good. Make eye contact.
Okay? Good enough.
Now, I'm gonna count down from three.
When I say go, start swinging.
- Wait, what? - First one to tap out,
other one's head of the household.
- Three, two, one... - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- We're not doing that. - Come on!
Wait, it-it's-it's all right. I feel better now.
I'm sorry that I disappointed you.
Mm.
There's got to be a "but."
No, no "buts." Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can
go find a tow truck and get your
- car out of Richmond Creek. - SEAN: Good man.
Come on. I mean, I'd rather take the insurance,
but...
He's a lot calmer and more pleasant
when he's made me angry.
- [door opens] - He's feeding on us.
- But not by boring us, - [door closes]
but by infuriating us.
- I think you might be right. - Colin Robinson
is and will always be
- an energy vampire. - Yeah.
Which means I have to tell him.
I have to tell him exactly what he is.
Why didn't you tell me about this secret wisdom
and this collection of souls? I can't believe it.
Well, you don't seem very interested
when I try to share things about my life.
- [groans] - Hey, what about asking
Diamond Jim Brady for some tips about the crowds, huh?
He was a noted gourmand and nightlife habitué.
NADJA: No.
The reanimated humans themselves
will be the show.
Imagine the crowds we will get.
The greatest minds in all of human history
together onstage for one night only
- at Nadja's. - Wow.
I really should have thought of that.
Yeah. It's actually very troubling that you didn't.
Ah! [chuckles]
[speaking Russian]
So, it's not going so well. I told Nadja
she might want to do some homework before the panel,
but she said she just wanted to wing it.
[continues speaking Russian]
[laughs]
Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky.
Food for bloody thought. [chuckles] Now, um,
Lady Murasaki Shikibu,
some say your Tales of Genji
created the literary form we now call the novel.
So, I must ask you,
where do you get your ideas from?
[speaking Japanese]
NADJA: Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want
to jump in anytime, just feel like a normal
conversation, where we all cut in each other and...
[speaks Italian]
Too true.
- COLIN: An energy vampire? - LASZLO: Yeah.
And so there's...
like, nothing I can do to-to change it?
No. I'm afraid not, my boy.
You see, it's genetics. It's beyond our control.
If I'd have been told when I was your age
that I'd be burdened with rugged good looks,
a rapier wit, and a thick cock,
I, too, would have protested, but, uh, them's the breaks.
Just... an energy vampire,
it just, it sounds so awful.
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, why didn't you do something?
You should have ought to done something about it
instead of just sitting here.
You know the saying, "Man makes plans and...
hmm, laughs."
Who, God?
- [groaning] - Now you're blaming God?
Who next, Baby Jesus?!
- [groans loudly] - I hate you!
Shit, that's painful.
GUILLERMO: I'm doing fine, I guess.
You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone
and Colin basically all grown up,
I feel like there's not much for me to do around here.
So, I guess this is what it feels like
to be an empty nester.
I never thought I'd get bored of this job
'cause there's always
something to do, but nothing ever changes,
even in my personal life.
I found my first boyfriend, and he...
left me for himself.
It's back to where it all started and the same
day in, day out.
It's like hamsters in those wheels.
I'm a hamster in a...
[sighs] wheel.
Knock, knock. Seeing if you need anything.
No. All good. Thanks.
You're kind of quiet lately.
Are you sad because Marwa's gone?
There's nothing like the end of a relationship
to really make one appreciate being alone.
[scoffs] So that's it?
- That is what? - It was so important
for you to find a wife
and have a huge wedding,
and now that's all gone, and you're just fine?
Pretty much, yeah.
Don't you feel like nothing ever changes around here?
Like, every day just leads to the next
and then the next, and before you know it,
years go by?
Yes. Isn't it wonderful?
Okay.
So then what's next?
As you may have noticed,
I've really got back into reading books,
so I think
I'm just gonna do this for a while.
- Oh, for how long? - Not long.
15 years, maybe 20.
[sighs]
[sniffles]
[heavy metal playing]
As I once said,
you can only win over the opponent...
We figured out, we don't need to do these
in front of a live audience.
We can reach a bigger group of people by simply
recording it and then broadcasting it electronically.
NADJA: Hello, and welcome to
Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos.
On tonight's episode...
Then we can make money by selling advertising on it.
Hatred is the subtlest form of violence...
If I could just, uh, quickly interrupt for a moment.
Would you be so kind as to read off
- this card, Mr. Gandhi? - Mm.
"Pan-seared steaks
"with hot honey biscuits.
"Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas.
"And those are just two of the signature dishes
- coming from" - Mmm, mmm.
"Blue Apron this month."
Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma,
when was the first time
you tried Blue Apron?
[clears throat]
Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it.
Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway.
I-I wanted you to do
the Casper mattresses one before the next break.
NADJA: So, the money from our sponsorships
was dependent on total listeners. We made Guillermo
listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents.
[groans]
All that witchcraft for nothing.
Turns out the world just isn't ready
for electronic audio stories.
It also has no use
for a vampire nightclub.
[sighs]
Enough is enough.
I told The Guide to go and sleep at my house
for a girls night, and she obviously
jumped far too enthusiastically at that chance.
Ciao. Au revoir.
NADJA: I told the wraiths that they've been working too hard,
so they should go on vacation.
Send me a postcard. See you when you're back.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[sighs]
You guys should probably get out of here.
It's over.
I said get out. Fuck off. [hisses]
[heavy metal playing]
[music stops]
♪
[muttering]: Move.
♪
[mechanical rumbling]
♪
[farts]
This is all my fault. If I had not accepted
your kind invitation last night--
- thank you again, by the way. - Mm-hmm.
I would have been here, and I could have
- kept this from happening. - Listen,
we can't be everywhere all the time, can we?
No, but we did get lucky.
Nothing actually got burned. Phew.
Nothing got burned?
The blood sprinklers went off
and extinguished the fire before it could
really get going.
- The blood sprinklers? - Yes.
The blood sprinklers that have never worked
any of the times we have tried to make them work?
[sighs] This is making me very hungry.
So, your office
is the only room that got burned
because there are no blood sprinklers in it.
Yes.
[voice breaking]: I am so upset right now.
[normal voice]: So, I was just wondering, um,
how much money can we get for this?
Depends what kind of insurance you have.
What is "insur-suriance,"
and, uh, where can we get some?
Uh, probably a little late for that at this point.
You said you had a floor plan
- I can take a look at? - Yes, right this way.
Shit.
[whimpering]
NADJA: I haven't been making the best decisions recently,
thanks to all the delicious liquor blood I've been drinking.
[chuckles]
[crying] My money.
She was so fresh and green,
and now the faces are all burnt!
[sniffles]
GUILLERMO: No. The way it works
is you buy the insurance
before something bad happens,
- and then... - NADJA: No, I think, my friend,
you buy. And did you buy? No. [scoffs]
How much money could we get
if we set him on fire?
- [gasps] - Hey, hey. What's up?
How's it hanging?
L-O-L. R-O-F-L.
Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F. [chuckles]
All those acronyms, I love them. [grunts]
Colin Robinson?
Is it really you?
Well, it's not Don Knotts. [chuckles]
- But how the shit have you... - Oh, well,
the great thing about keeping a detailed diary is,
if you ever forget anything about your life,
you can look it up. It's also great
for receipts. Now, a lot of people
keep receipts, but they forget to write down
what they were for, which causes
a major headache come tax time.
Whether you hire an accountant or
you do it online by yourself,
you're gonna miss some deductions
because you won't be able to reference
what they were when Johnny Taxman
- comes and... - Colin Robinson, tell me something,
a while ago, we went to a lads night at Sean's house,
and as we entered his premises,
you used some ridiculous childish voice.
Meesa Jar Jar Binks.
- It's him. - NADJA: Ah. Well,
welcome back, original Colin Robinson. Now,
how much money do we have in our bank account?
Uh, around $655,415
and change.
- [squeals] - Oh, yes, very nice.
COLIN: Now, I wanted to roll that
into a Roth IRA, not to be confused...
What's our bank account PIN code?
Oh, our personal identification number
is 420, 69, 24, 7.
I'll call the contractors in the morning.
Actually, if it's to fix up this shithole,
I'll do it.
If there's anything I enjoy more
than managing a project,
it's micromanaging a project.
And, so, after you replace these pipes,
- we're gonna want to put in... - New Sheetrock and...
Excuse me, if I may finish.
We're gonna want to put on half-inch
VOC-absorbing drywall,
not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said.
Uh, Laszlo, what do you want to do with this race car bed?
Do you want to keep it, or can we get rid of it?
Well...
that's your bed.
Well, it was.
I-I-I've never seen this bed in my life.
All right, well, shitcan the bed.
Now let's head downstairs.
I want to give you guys a couple quick tips
on how to remove old Formica tiling.
The asbestos
in the adhesive
- can become quite a... - Colin?
- Yeah. - So, you really don't remember
anything from the last year?
Uh, no. Not really.
I-I remember it was my 100th birthday party,
and I had a bit of, uh, tummy trouble,
- Right. - and the next thing I remember is,
I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah,
everything in between's a blank.
You don't remember me bringing you up from a small baby?
No. No, not at all.
Do you remember, um,
me playing the piano and you singing and dancing?
And then sometimes we'd jump over the fence at the zoo
in the middle of the night to look at the baby rhinos?
Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Do-do you smell toast or anything?
- I'm-I'm good. - All right.
[whistling "Rap Tap on Wood"]
[piano playing "Sunrise, Sunset"]
GUILLERMO: Nothing ever changes in this house.
Nothing is ever going to change,
unless I change it.
So, that's it for me.
Oh, and you guys can use my room for storage if you want.
I won't need it.
[sighs]
[entry bell dings]
Derek?
DEREK: Yeah, in the back.
Derek.
DEREK: Yeah, back here.
I just got to finish this account. 24 times 18.
Okay. What is so urgent?
Well, Derek... [sighs]
this...
is for you.
Whoa. [chuckles]
- What did I do to deserve this? - Nothing.
It's what you're about to do.
Which is?
You're gonna make me a vampire.
NADJA: ♪ Is this the little girl ♪
♪ I carried? ♪
LASZLO: ♪ Is this the little boy ♪
♪ At play? ♪
COLIN: ♪ I don't remember ♪
♪ Growing older ♪
NANDOR and GUIDE: ♪ When did they? ♪
ALL: ♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪
♪ Sunrise ♪
♪ Sunset ♪
♪ Swiftly ♪
♪ Flow the days. ♪