[Pat] Previously on Shining Vale...
-[Jake grunts] -[Pat screams]
How long have you been in there?
[doctor] You have got a good shot
at a healthy baby.
You're saying I'm-- I'm just gonna have
a normal pregnancy?
[Ennio] I am exorcist.
[Gaynor] What exactly are you looking for?
[Ennio] Demonic stuffs.
[Gaynor] I'm gonna take one of you.
[Terry] Wanna be the best version of myself,
you know?
If that means shootin' up
a little testosterone, then so be it.
[Gaynor] Exorcise me. I want to feel better.
The power of Christ compels you.
-[Gaynor] Fuck yeah, it does. -[thunder booming]
[Pat] Excuse me, Wiccan?
-[bones cracking] -[growling]
Get the fuck out!
[Jake] Her name is Daisy.
She led me to this.
I'm waiting for Daisy to call.
Bro, you need to relax.
You're in luck.
'Cause look at what I borrowed from my dad.
What if some of my psychosis got into the book?
She looked me right in the eye, and she said...
I did this for you!
[Terry] These streets aren't safe anymore.
[Laird] We should probably tell the mayor.
Except he got all chopped up.
Oh, shit! Claire!
I'm gonna clean this place up.
[Laird] Claire!
I brought you some of Leo's things.
It doesn't seem fair that someone like me
could possibly have a third.
Anyone who is as critical
of her maternal skills as you are
is a damn great mom.
Then I must be the best,
'cause I am the fucking worst.
You shouldn't cuss so much
or they'll send you to the baths.
They lied to you.
Look in your file.
That's why you're here...
♪ ♪
...to make these feelings stop, Pat.
[demonic voice] Pat's not here.
[ominous music plays]
♪ ♪
I was possessed.
I fucking knew it.
Oh, fuck me.
[dramatic music plays]
♪ ♪
[coins clinking]
Oh, come on.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I ask for so little.
[indistinct arguing]
Okay. Here we go.
[arguing continues]
-[machine whirring] -[sighs]
Finally.
-[dramatic music plays] -[Pat gasping]
Mrs. Phelps,
that tape is hospital property.
Oh! Thank you.
[echoing over PA system] We have a runner.
[patients screaming]
♪ ♪
[muffled speech]
My fucking donut!
[lock buzzing]
I love you, you sick bitch.
[eerie music plays]
[eerie vocalizing]
♪ ♪
[buzzer blares]
[Trina] Good morning, Shining Vale.
Coming up, homemade potpourri.
We're going to meet a woman who says anyone can do it.
But first, it's been three days
since the brutal murder of Mayor Woodcock.
Today, we meet the first candidate
to throw his hat into the ring to replace him.
Former businessman
and current husband, Terry Phelps.
What a pleasure to be here this morning, Trina,
on Good Morning Shining Vale.
I wanna ask what everyone wants to know.
What's it like being married to Pat Phelps?
Uh, great question.
[clears throat]
I'm running for mayor
because I was searching for a way
to help this little town,
and then it hit me--
the lower jaw of my best friend's girlfriend
who was plowed over by a bus on Main Street.
-Tragic story. -That is so random.
Our old host, Lacy, was also squished by a bus.
But it's not so random, Trina.
Given the pagan origins of our little town,
there are no public crosses, and therefore, no crosswalks.
It's not safe to raise a family in this town,
and if I become mayor, I intend to change that.
Speaking of family, I just read your wife's new book,
and I fucking love it.
[audience gasping]
Wow.
I've never said that on air before.
Um, anyway,
ladies, do yourself a favor
and get this fucking book right now.
[Pat] Oh, no.
[Terry] I know they told me I have
a few minutes before the dead flower lady comes out,
so I--if we could just steer it away from my wife
-for a moment. -Of course.
Let's go to the phones.
We have our first caller.
[Pat] Hi, this is Pat Phelps.
[gasps] Speak of the devil.
I was just talking about your fucking book!
Why the cock do I keep swearing?
[Pat] My book has hidden messages in it
that make people do really bad things.
I was possessed when I wrote it.
Well, I am also fucking obsessed!
[Terry] Uh... Pat?
Honey, I'm-- I'm doing something here.
I know, sweetie, you're doing your mayor thingy.
But this is really important.
-Please do not read my book. -Pat!
[Pat] No one should read my book!
-Pat! -Sorry!
Hey, could you pick up some 2% on your way home?
Yeah, I'll get milk.
[Pat] Okay. Thanks, sweetie. Bye.
What a treat.
I'd like to thank Pat Phelps and her husband, Teddy.
The book is called Rosemary's Revenge.
Up next, don't turn that dial,
and don't throw out your old roses.
[ominous music plays]
[phone ringing]
♪ ♪
Oh.
Yo, dude. Where are you?
I'm outside.
Come on in.
And--and bring weed.
I'm almost cashed out.
No. Outside as in outside.
My cousin Nirvaan's coming over
and we're gonna dig a wicked big hole.
You should come over. It's gonna be epic.
I love Nirvaan.
And I love holes.
But I can't go.
What if Daisy calls?
Bro, it's been, like, six months.
And she's dead.
She's not calling.
Anyways, I gotta go.
Peace out, bro.
Save some hole for me.
[sighs]
I hope you're happy.
That was, like, the best hole-digging opportunity
of my entire life.
What should I do?
Give me a sign!
[chair creaking]
♪ ♪
[doll] Bye-bye, bye-bye.
-Bye-- -[voice distorts, stops]
-Ugh. -[doll] Ow!
[Jake sighs]
[suspenseful music plays]
♪ ♪
[distorted voice shrieking]
-[Walkman clicks] -[sighs] Skip.
[Swing Out Sister's "Breakout" playing]
[singer] ♪ The time has come To make or break ♪
♪ Breakout ♪
♪ Don't stop to ask ♪
♪ And now you've found A break to make at last ♪
♪ You've got to find a way ♪
♪ Say what you want to say ♪
♪ Breakout ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Don't stop to ask ♪
-[phone ringing] -♪ Now you've found ♪
♪ A break to make ♪
[phone ringing]
-[clock chiming] -[knock on door]
[Gaynor] Ennio, open up.
It's me, Gaynor.
Ennio?
[tense music plays]
♪ ♪
What the hell?
[door creaking]
[Nolan] You shouldn't be here.
Oh, hi.
I'm looking for Father Ennio.
Italian? Good-looking?
Big... hat?
[Nolan] I don't think I know a Father Ennio.
It's cool.
I'm not trying to catch a predator or anything.
He just hasn't returned my texts or calls.
Perhaps you're mistaken.
Perhaps.
My bad.
Um, have a nice day.
♪ ♪
Father, mother--fuck.
Whatever.
♪ ♪
[line ringing]
[line beeps]
Listen, asshole,
I don't know how it works at the Vatican,
but when you sleep with a girl in America,
you call her back.
It's Gaynor.
-[phone beeps] -[sighs]
♪ ♪
[Pat] Hey! Hey, Wiccan. Hi.
Shit.
I don't know if you remember me,
but I came into your shop last year.
I was possessed.
Yeah, your neck snapped 45 degrees,
and you wore me like a sock puppet.
That's not something you forget.
Oh, good.
I really need your help.
You wanna walk with me? I got an appointment.
Is it a wizardy thing?
Ish. I'm gettin' my roots done for the solstice.
-So what's up? -Okay, I--
I think the devil wrote my book when I was possessed,
and now it's making women kill their husbands.
And I--I just-- I need to know how to stop it.
Well, first, let's get our terms right.
The "devil" did not possess you.
You're talking about Satan, the Great Deceiver, the Beast.
He's interested in overthrowing governments
and disrupting world order, not writing shitty chick-lit.
Okay, I didn't come here for a fuckin' book review.
So who possessed me?
Probably a low-level trickster demon.
Maybe Berith. He likes to dress up.
Why would Berith possess me?
He probably wanted to reach your audience
of vulnerable women who like bad books.
Now it's starting to feel personal.
Ah, it happens all the time in pop culture.
Music, theater, almost all of TikTok--
all the work of demons.
So you think this is just a fad and it--it'll go away?
Absolutely.
Unless...
...it might be step one of a larger plan.
I wouldn't be surprised.
A larger plan?
Wait, what? Surprise?
I hate surprises.
-[Pat gasps] -[all] Surprise!
-[Gaynor laughs] -[Robyn giggles]
Hi, Pat.
Hi.
What's happening?
[Kam] Jesus fuckin' Christ.
Oh, it was supposed to be your baby shower.
But with that haircut, it's also your roast.
[Pat] I got a makeover, okay?
[Ruth] It's bad luck not to have a baby shower.
At least it was for me.
So I floated the idea by Terry,
and he said that you would love it.
I do.
Uh, is he around?
I just--I wanna thank him.
[soft music plays]
Hey--holy...
What happened?
Well, I followed my Wiccan into the salon,
and they kept cutting, and I forgot to say when.
So then I went shopping
to try to distract from the haircut,
and, well, here we are.
Well, it's kinda working.
Yeah, I wanted to go into my bedroom and hide,
but I can't, because there's a party for me
in the living room.
Were you surprised?
[chuckles] I really fucking was.
Now, maybe you forgot,
but I hate parties, and I hate surprises.
And I hate randos in my house.
So right in there is the tri-fucking-fecta.
No, no, Pat, those women aren't randos.
Three of them are in the Shining Vale
Ladies Auxiliary who have successfully
picked the last 65 mayors.
[water sloshing]
Who gives a shit?
Well, I do, Pat.
I give a shit.
I really think becoming mayor of Shining Vale
might be my calling.
Your calling is to be the mayor
of a town you've only lived in for a year?
I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it is.
Not really your decision, is it?
I'm sorry.
I wanna support you. I do.
But this is a really bad time for me.
Well, has it ever occurred to you
that everything that happens in this family
isn't necessarily about you?
-No. -[Terry] Okay.
Well, I'm gonna ask you, for once,
to just set your feelings aside for a moment
and do this for me.
You think you can do that, Patty?
Darling?
Love of my life,
light of my soul,
do you think you can do this one fucking thing
for me?
Mm.
[tense music plays]
Okay.
♪ ♪
Great.
Go enjoy your baby shower.
♪ ♪
Terry...
yes.
Oh.
[Pat] Oh, wow.
-It's a creeper. -It sure is.
[Ruth] It's adorable. [chuckles]
Gaynor, mark down the onesie from Mrs. Court.
[Gaynor] Okay. One nightmare clown outfit.
-Got it. -It's a sailor suit, dear.
One nightmare sailor outfit.
-Uh... -What?
How many funeral outfits does a baby need?
I mean, that's literally a baby hearse.
It's a pram, and it's "Midnight."
-[Kam scoffs] Holy fuck. -All right, my turn.
Giving birth is one of the most magical things
a woman can do.
I remember when my Leo was born,
I was gazing
into his blue... skin.
And then when the doctors took him from me,
I said, "Hurry back!"
And of course, at the time, you're not thinking,
"Why are they zipping him into that bag?"
'Cause the mind sees what it wants to see.
Is she for real?
Is it weird?
I don't even notice anymore.
[eerie music plays]
But eventually,
I did accept that my Leo wasn't coming back.
♪ ♪
Either as a baby doll or a boy.
♪ ♪
And, uh, a part of me died with him.
That part was never repaired
until now.
♪ ♪
Pat...
your baby gives us all hope for a better world.
Hail Pat!
[all] Hail Pat.
Oh, hell no.
Anyway, I got you a present.
No, Ruth. No.
Not after that speech
and Leo's little unused pacifiers.
[chuckles] You've done enough.
Well, what are you gonna do? [chuckles]
[Pat] Aw, okay.
Wow, what is this?
That is a "heir-loom"
that my grandma smuggled out of Europe in her 'einie...
Mm...
...and I am giving it to you
because you're my best friend.
[women gasping]
[both] Aww.
[Pat] Well, thank you.
I'm gonna wear this...
every time I think I'm gonna see her.
Okay.
Are we done?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
My goodness, there's more presents.
Here we go.
[Pat] "To Pat,
from your number one fan."
-Hmm. -Could be any one of us.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Okay.
♪ ♪
All of Them Bitches. [chuckles]
A History of Hysterical Women in Southeast Connecticut.
That's... [chuckles]
Okay, who's this from?
[Mrs. Stephen Edwards] Well, the pram is from me.
I got the rocking horse.
I gave you the--the creeper.
I gave you the tushy necklace.
Okay. Gaynor?
Why would I get you something?
Fair enough.
Kam?
-Oh-- -This is--this is a good one.
Yeah, it wasn't me.
I--I didn't think this was a real thing.
I got you adult diapers, 'cause you're 80.
[laughs]
Fine, I'll--I'll Venmo $500.
I haven't been to a baby shower in 100 years.
I--I don't even have kids.
None of us have children either.
And we still got her presents.
[laughs] Okay. Mm.
[tense music plays]
What do you mean you don't have children?
You're in the PTA.
None of you are Ps or Ts?
Just As.
All right, well, I'm gonna get my A
the F back to NYC.
I'll drive you.
Wait, you're gonna drive all the way to New York?
Well, it's either that or into a lake,
so bye, everyone.
Okay, Kam? Wait a minute, please.
Kam.
Hey, please don't go.
Honey, I love you,
but there is not enough Xanax in Connecticut
to keep me here.
We gotta talk about the book.
You have to pull it.
Trish, the book is bigger than you.
-[horn honking] -That's my ride.
[Pat] Kam. You don't understand.
I was possessed when I wrote it.
I can tell by your bangs you've got a lot going on.
-[horn blaring] -Please don't leave!
Just call me, okay?
And good luck.
[horn honking]
[Kam] If you leave me, I'll kill you!
Well, this was fun.
Looks like the-- the party's breaking up.
Oh, no, we can't stop yet.
We still have to do the most important part.
It's an ancient ritual
which reveals the deepest secrets of the universe.
Who has a question for the cootie catcher?
[Mrs. Stephen Edwards] I'll go first.
Is Pat going to have a girl or a boy?
Ooh, great question, Mrs. Stephen Edwards.
[chuckles]
Is Pat having a girl or a boy?
Ahh...
[both gasping]
Neither.
Mm.
-[Ruth chuckles] -[Robyn] Ohh.
-Interesting. -Modern.
Ooh.
Will the baby come early?
-[Ruth] Oh. [chuckles] -Oh, yeah.
[Ruth] Will the baby come early?
[gasps]
Most definitely.
-Ohh. -[Emily] I knew it.
[Mrs. Stephen Edwards] All hail the Dark One.
Okay, it's my turn.
Give it. All right.
Should everyone get the fuck out of here?
It'll say no.
Let's see. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
Most definitely.
What?
-[all] Aww. -Come on, guys.
Let's get your cooties out.
[dramatic music plays]
[door slams]
Hey, button, come on in here.
[Gaynor chuckles]
[notification chimes]
Sorry, I was texting someone.
I think I got ghosted.
Oh, no. Do I know him?
No, it was just a guy I was seeing.
He was in and out.
Doesn't matter. What's up?
First of all, have a button, button.
"Phelps."
Wow, what came in second? "Terry"?
What? No, you're--you're--
you're reading it wrong.
The "P" is, uh, separate.
"Pee helps."
[Terry] Uh, no. I--it's not--
it's "Phelps helps."
It--people will get it.
You don't understand politics.
Hey, let me try out my campaign speech for you.
It's really good.
Don't you mean "G-ood"?
Uh, never mind. Go on.
Okay. Uh, Webster's
defines "community" as a unified--
[Gaynor] Stop.
People don't want you to read the dictionary at them.
Right. Right.
Just get to the, uh-- the meat of it.
All right. So...
"50% of bus accidents happen w--"
Stop.
Don't read statistics or facts.
It just reminds people how stupid they are.
Okay, but my speech is made up of facts and statistics
and peppered with definitions, so...
If you want people to vote for you,
you have to tell them your story.
You're the guy who rebuilt his life
after his wife tried to split him like a log.
Right. Right.
So...
Terry Phelps: A Story.
Collier's defines "adversity--"
Holy fuck, Dad. I'm gonna write it. Move.
-What? -[Gaynor] Get up.
It's not that easy.
Yeah.
[Terry] Ooh. That's a bit dark, no?
[Gaynor] Have you met your wife?
[wheels squeaking]
[eerie music plays]
♪ ♪
[book thuds]
[Pat groans]
Will my book kill more people?
"Read page 72."
What?
Um...
Can I stop it?
"Read page 72."
Do I like my kids?
Oh, fuck. This thing works.
♪ ♪
72... 72... 72.
"...and Rosemary was gone forever."
I've been here before.
[tiles clacking]
♪ ♪
Let's do it.
♪ ♪
[dramatic music plays]
[fork clatters]
[birds chirping]
I've got to manage my time better.
[tiles clattering]
♪ ♪
What the hell?
♪ ♪
"Shining Vale Home for Hysterical Women."
"Covens."
"Human sacrifice and torture."
"Now divided into large
single-family residences."
♪ ♪
Fuck me.
"This room was the portal to hell."
Oh, God.
Please don't be the portal to hell.
♪ ♪
Oh, no.
[Terry] Because this is a story of redemption.
This is a story about rebuilding
the town that we all love...
[Gaynor] Whoo!
...Returning Shining Vale
to the sort of safe place
where you can cross the street
without being hit by an oncoming bus.
-[scattered applause] -How 'bout that?
Or--or enjoy the park
without worrying about fallin' into a hole.
[crowd gasping]
Look at that damn thing.
This is a great speech.
-[Terry] Not on my watch. -Yeah, I know.
I wrote it.
As your mayor, I promise
to fill every hole in this town.
You ever notice your dad's superhot?
-[Terry] Huh? -Ew. Gross.
-That's my dad. -I know, and he's ripped.
Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
Yeah. My mom.
Don't be jelly. Your boyfriend's also hot.
Oh, my gosh, you remember him?
Oh, I thought I was going crazy.
Of course I remember him.
He was like an Asian Jonas brother.
[Terry] As mayor, I'm gonna make sure...
Not Ryan.
Ennio. Italian priest?
He used to come in the store all the time
when I was closing up.
Could be anyone. You have a picture?
Yeah.
[Terry] Terry Phelps.
But I cam back, because I realized...
He looks like you.
[Terry] And I could see what this town could be.
That is me. I must have deleted it.
I think I texted it to him.
[Terry] There's a lot of people,
they move to Mystic, they move to Salem...
I hope he's a better priest than he is a boyfriend.
He never texted you back.
[eerie music plays]
[Gaynor] What the fuck?
[Terry] You know, I-- I'd like to take a moment
and just get personal here, if I could.
Um, I was hit in the head with an axe some time ago.
[crowd gasping]
But I came back,
came back stronger than ever.
And people still ask me,
"Terry, how strong are ya?"
Can I show you how strong I am?
[Lillian] Yes, please!
Who wants to see it?
Show me!
I wanna see how strong!
[cheers and applause]
One, two, three...
[ominous music plays]
[electricity buzzing]
♪ ♪
Fucking Terry bought the portal to hell.
[sighs]
[laughter echoing]
♪ ♪
Hello?
Are you fucking kidding me?
♪ ♪
[water dripping]
[door creaking]
Fuck!
Oh, God. I hate this house.
I hate this house.
[Robyn] Oh, poor dear.
And that haircut?
[laughter]
[Ruth] I guess it goes with the collar.
[laughter]
What are you gonna do?
[Robyn] I think I feel a little bit bad for her.
Don't you?
Eh, if I felt bad about all the things
I feel bad about, I would never leave the house.
Besides, we're doing this for her own good.
She could never raise this baby by herself.
[Robyn] You think she knows?
[Ruth] Well, even if she does,
I mean, who's she gonna tell?
No one would believe her.
Everyone thinks she's nuts.
And I say this as a feminist.
[Robyn sighs]
It's all about her baby anyway.
[Ruth] Our baby.
[both] His baby.
[Pat] My baby, twats.
Who's there?
Oh, hi, Pat.
[gulps]
Fuck.
[crowd] 133. 134. 135.
136.
[groans] 136!
[Lillian] Yeah!
You gotta be in good shape to stand up
to those boys in city hall,
and that's what I intend to do.
I'm gonna fight for the city of Shining Vale.
I was born in Iowa,
but I was reborn right here in Shining Vale.
-[cheers and applause] -[Lillian giggling]
[Terry] With a vote for Terry Phelps,
this whole town's gonna be reborn.
[cheers and applause]
Who's with me?
[Lillian] I'm with you!
I am...
[fabric ripping]
...with you!
Whoa.
-[Lillian giggles] -Hey.
[crowd] P-helps! P-helps! P-helps! P-helps!
No, no, no. It's "Phelps Helps."
You're doing it wrong.
Phelps Helps! Phelps--
Oh, fuck it.
[all] P-helps! P-helps! P-helps!
[cheers and applause]
[Lillian] I love you!
[all] P-helps! P-helps! P-helps!
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Okay.
[tense music plays]
♪ ♪
Where the fuck am I?
[loud thud]
[singer] ♪ Time has come ♪
♪ To make your break ♪
Sorry, wall.
Some holes are meant to be closed.
[singer] ♪ Don't hesitate ♪
♪ Breakout ♪
♪ Don't stop to ask ♪
♪ And now you've found A break to make at last ♪
♪ You've got to find a way ♪
[thudding]
Shit.
[singer] ♪ Looks unsure ♪
[Pat] Hello!
-[banging] -Help!
[Jake humming]
Hello? Help!
[Rosemary] Hello, Patricia.
[dramatic music plays]
♪ ♪
You should have killed yourself when you had the chance.
♪ ♪
[eerie music plays]
[singers vocalizing]
♪ ♪
[person whistling]
[seagulls calling]