1
00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:02,796
Lot of money in the pot, Dave.
2
00:00:02,859 --> 00:00:04,355
You thought
you could come over here
3
00:00:04,443 --> 00:00:06,435
and play cards
with the big dog?
4
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:08,842
Well, you about to get bit.
5
00:00:08,930 --> 00:00:10,178
[barks]
6
00:00:11,268 --> 00:00:12,290
[chuckles]
7
00:00:12,378 --> 00:00:14,136
Go ahead,
take your best shot.
8
00:00:14,301 --> 00:00:15,911
Do you have any nines?
9
00:00:15,999 --> 00:00:18,219
Go fish.
Ha, ha!
10
00:00:20,268 --> 00:00:21,573
[chuckles]:
Ooh.
11
00:00:21,715 --> 00:00:24,808
Will you look at that?
I hooked a nine.
12
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,756
Booyah!
13
00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,622
Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked
14
00:00:29,710 --> 00:00:31,933
by a dude who says "booyah."
15
00:00:33,307 --> 00:00:34,496
Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing?
16
00:00:34,584 --> 00:00:37,326
Oh, hey, hon. I just beat
Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.
17
00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:39,043
[gasps]
Booyah!
18
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:41,886
Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.
19
00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:43,855
How do you feel
about blind dates?
20
00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:46,144
Oh, to be honest, Gemma,
I'm not really into bl...
21
00:00:46,232 --> 00:00:47,878
Great!
22
00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:50,737
Because there's this wonderful
new English teacher at school,
23
00:00:50,825 --> 00:00:53,996
Sofia, and I think you two
have a lot in common.
24
00:00:54,084 --> 00:00:57,464
Oh, so she also lives at home
and takes the bus to work?
25
00:00:58,034 --> 00:00:59,230
[chuckles]
26
00:00:59,318 --> 00:01:01,097
Thank you, Gemma,
but I don't think so.
27
00:01:01,185 --> 00:01:03,543
My last blind date turned out
to have three children.
28
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:04,925
Well, you like kids.
29
00:01:05,013 --> 00:01:06,733
Yeah, but she brought
all of them to dinner.
30
00:01:07,936 --> 00:01:10,168
And one of them
was older than me.
31
00:01:11,343 --> 00:01:13,753
I promise you,
you have nothing to worry about.
32
00:01:13,957 --> 00:01:15,800
I'm kind of known
for my matchmaking skills.
33
00:01:15,888 --> 00:01:18,013
I have a perfect track record.
34
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,582
Well...
35
00:01:21,302 --> 00:01:22,731
What about the Parkers?
36
00:01:22,819 --> 00:01:25,794
Oh, so he has a secret family
in Winnipeg and that's on me?
37
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:27,733
Anyway,
38
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:31,692
back in Kalamazoo, they called
me Dr. Wedding Bells.
39
00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:33,466
Hey, look,
I appreciate it, Gemma,
40
00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:35,208
but I'm not that desperate yet.
41
00:01:35,385 --> 00:01:37,122
You're not?
42
00:01:38,213 --> 00:01:41,028
You're playing Go Fish
with two married men.
43
00:01:41,327 --> 00:01:44,473
And last night I caught you
slow-dancing with a mop.
44
00:01:45,257 --> 00:01:46,519
He'll take it.
45
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:49,247
Okay, fine.
I guess we can go for a drink.
46
00:01:49,335 --> 00:01:51,388
[gasps]Here you go, man.
47
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:52,770
Whoa, what's this, Pop?
48
00:01:52,858 --> 00:01:56,053
Uh, just some extra cash
in case she brings her kids.
49
00:01:56,998 --> 00:01:59,279
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
50
00:01:59,404 --> 00:02:01,387
♪ Welcome to the hood ♪
*THE NEIGHBORHOOD*
51
00:02:01,475 --> 00:02:03,738
Season 02 Episode 09
Title :"Welcome to the Dealbreaker"
52
00:02:03,834 --> 00:02:06,510
Calvin, I just heard
that Terrence Walker died.
53
00:02:06,598 --> 00:02:07,718
Can you believe that?
54
00:02:07,806 --> 00:02:10,722
Absolutely.
The man was on his last leg.
55
00:02:10,949 --> 00:02:13,075
He lost the first one in Korea.
56
00:02:14,708 --> 00:02:16,854
Well, apparently,
he didn't leave a will,
57
00:02:16,942 --> 00:02:19,794
and now his whole family
is fighting over his estate.
58
00:02:19,888 --> 00:02:21,208
What estate?
59
00:02:21,296 --> 00:02:25,153
He had an '81 Buick
and a closet full of left shoes.
60
00:02:30,088 --> 00:02:31,699
I don't know, Calvin.
61
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:33,615
We're not as young
as we used to be.
62
00:02:33,702 --> 00:02:35,791
Maybe we should be thinking
about making our will.
63
00:02:35,966 --> 00:02:39,403
Oh, no. Baby, we're not
old enough to need a will.
64
00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:41,755
I just got carded last week.
65
00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:43,253
That's because the waiter
66
00:02:43,341 --> 00:02:45,409
was trying to give you
a senior discount.
67
00:02:45,496 --> 00:02:48,107
Which I did not qualify for.
68
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,348
Calvin, God forbid you died.
69
00:02:51,436 --> 00:02:53,590
I mean, the last thing
you would want is for the boys
70
00:02:53,678 --> 00:02:55,550
to have to fight
over your stuff.
71
00:02:55,724 --> 00:02:59,536
I'm dead and you're worried
about the boys?
72
00:03:00,911 --> 00:03:02,677
Wow, Tina.
73
00:03:03,688 --> 00:03:05,027
Wow.
74
00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:12,207
Hey, brother,
75
00:03:12,295 --> 00:03:14,652
I am meeting a blind date
for a drink.
76
00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:16,353
And I really don't
want to be here.
77
00:03:16,441 --> 00:03:18,354
So can you call my cell
in, like, half an hour?
78
00:03:18,441 --> 00:03:21,836
Say no more. Grandma's in
the hospital or fire at home?
79
00:03:21,924 --> 00:03:24,257
[chuckles]
Let's not take chances.
80
00:03:24,345 --> 00:03:27,550
Grandma's in the hospital
because of the fire at home.
81
00:03:28,199 --> 00:03:29,766
Here's my number.
82
00:03:30,456 --> 00:03:32,150
Hi. Malcolm?
83
00:03:32,284 --> 00:03:33,925
Oh, damn.
84
00:03:34,456 --> 00:03:35,612
Sofia?
85
00:03:35,718 --> 00:03:37,589
[laughs, clears throat]
86
00:03:38,089 --> 00:03:40,995
Let me guess.
You were about to have a sick aunt?
87
00:03:41,248 --> 00:03:43,190
What?
[laughs]
88
00:03:44,343 --> 00:03:45,612
How did you know?
89
00:03:45,817 --> 00:03:47,601
- [phone ringing]
- Because I'm getting
90
00:03:47,688 --> 00:03:50,323
a call from mysick aunt.
91
00:03:51,387 --> 00:03:53,368
Never mind, he's cute.
92
00:03:53,456 --> 00:03:54,885
[chuckles]
93
00:03:56,596 --> 00:03:57,964
Hey, wait.
94
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,721
We only need a table
for the two of us, right?
95
00:04:00,809 --> 00:04:01,978
Yeah. Why?
96
00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:03,752
I'm just checking.
97
00:04:08,070 --> 00:04:11,189
Hey, babe.
Whatcha doing?
98
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:12,888
Just getting some fresh air.
99
00:04:12,975 --> 00:04:14,195
It's a beautiful night.
100
00:04:14,283 --> 00:04:15,666
- The stars are out.
- Yeah...
101
00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:16,848
You're waiting for Malcolm.
102
00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:18,617
Where the hell is he?!
103
00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,709
Well, if they're not home yet,
104
00:04:20,797 --> 00:04:22,226
the date must have
gone well, right?
105
00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:25,734
Not just well. Sofia texted me
and said it went great.
106
00:04:25,922 --> 00:04:27,815
Looks like
Dr. Wedding Bells
107
00:04:27,903 --> 00:04:30,242
hasn't lost a patient yet.
108
00:04:30,387 --> 00:04:31,737
Well...
109
00:04:32,508 --> 00:04:34,250
I don't know
if the Cahills would agree.
110
00:04:34,478 --> 00:04:36,301
Again, not my fault.
111
00:04:36,389 --> 00:04:39,156
If he didn't know he was gay,
how was I supposed to?
112
00:04:40,148 --> 00:04:41,829
- Hey, guys.
- Enough with the chitchat.
113
00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,398
- Tell me everything.
- [chuckles]
114
00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,476
Look, there's not much to tell.
115
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,086
It was okay.
116
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:48,398
Wha...
117
00:04:48,486 --> 00:04:50,488
- Just okay?
- Oh.
118
00:04:50,992 --> 00:04:53,445
Time of death: 9:32.
119
00:04:54,750 --> 00:04:57,578
Wha... But Sofia said
it went great. What happened?
120
00:04:57,666 --> 00:04:59,233
All right,
here's the truth.
121
00:04:59,321 --> 00:05:00,969
She has got this annoying laugh.
122
00:05:01,057 --> 00:05:03,148
A-And I mean,
it's really annoying.
123
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,427
How bad is it?
124
00:05:04,515 --> 00:05:06,162
People around us
were checking their phones
125
00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:08,179
to see if there was
a Amber Alert.
126
00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:11,226
Look, I'm sorry, Gemma,
127
00:05:11,314 --> 00:05:13,229
but that's a deal breaker
for me, all right?
128
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,148
Thank you for trying, though.
129
00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:18,004
GEMMA:
I can't believe it.
130
00:05:18,147 --> 00:05:21,820
I-It's crazy for something
like that to be a deal breaker.
131
00:05:22,039 --> 00:05:25,461
Catching your husband in a
Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.
132
00:05:27,374 --> 00:05:29,267
But this? No.
133
00:05:29,461 --> 00:05:32,320
Well, look, Gemma, everyone
has their deal breakers.
134
00:05:32,421 --> 00:05:34,711
You know, when I was single,
I could never date
135
00:05:34,799 --> 00:05:36,008
someone who littered
136
00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:39,469
or had the same
haircut as my mom.
137
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:43,107
Or lived east of highway 43.
138
00:05:43,195 --> 00:05:46,109
It is bumpkin central
over there.
139
00:05:46,617 --> 00:05:49,539
Dave, I lived east
of highway 43.
140
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,914
Oh, I know.
141
00:05:53,472 --> 00:05:55,812
But once I got to
know you better,
142
00:05:55,969 --> 00:05:57,884
I discovered so many
of your deal makers
143
00:05:57,979 --> 00:06:00,461
that I forgot about
my one deal breaker.
144
00:06:00,616 --> 00:06:01,969
Aw.
145
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,585
Plus, you were the only girl
I met from over there
146
00:06:04,672 --> 00:06:06,437
who wasn't in a fight club.
147
00:06:09,014 --> 00:06:10,363
Maybe if I can
get Malcolm to see
148
00:06:10,451 --> 00:06:11,887
more of Sofia's good qualities,
149
00:06:11,975 --> 00:06:14,398
he'll get over his deal breaker,
just like you did.
150
00:06:14,486 --> 00:06:15,530
I guess.
151
00:06:15,688 --> 00:06:17,344
How long did it take you?
152
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,312
Like, two or three dates?
153
00:06:20,328 --> 00:06:22,656
Yeah, let's go with that.
154
00:06:25,672 --> 00:06:27,761
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, hey.
155
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,453
Oh, y'all watching
YouTube videos again?
156
00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:33,523
Play the one where the monkey
steals the baby's ice cream.
157
00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:36,594
No, Calvin, I asked
Marty to come over
158
00:06:36,682 --> 00:06:37,946
and help us do our wills.
159
00:06:38,049 --> 00:06:39,198
MARTY: Yeah,
I found this website
160
00:06:39,286 --> 00:06:40,821
that does almost
all the work for you.
161
00:06:40,908 --> 00:06:43,390
So basically,
all you have to do is die.
162
00:06:43,478 --> 00:06:45,993
Boy, I survived
black Michael Jackson,
163
00:06:46,128 --> 00:06:47,384
white Michael Jackson
164
00:06:47,472 --> 00:06:50,345
and "Damn, I ain't know he
did all that" Michael Jackson.
165
00:06:51,196 --> 00:06:52,720
I ain't going nowhere.
166
00:06:52,908 --> 00:06:55,103
Okay, fine.
I'll do it without you.
167
00:06:55,191 --> 00:06:56,931
So leave his truck with Dave.
168
00:06:57,191 --> 00:06:59,134
Over my dead body.
169
00:07:00,229 --> 00:07:02,290
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
170
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:03,762
Fine.
171
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:05,329
Come on.
Let's do this, then.
172
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:06,700
- Let's-let's do it.
- Aw. [chuckles]
173
00:07:06,787 --> 00:07:08,876
Thank you, baby. And I promise
you, when we're done,
174
00:07:08,964 --> 00:07:10,226
you can watch
your monkey video.
175
00:07:10,314 --> 00:07:11,777
How does that sound?
176
00:07:12,818 --> 00:07:14,285
Good.
177
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:17,332
Okay, let's get started.
178
00:07:17,449 --> 00:07:19,309
Hmm. Uh, "Names, ages..."
179
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:21,357
Oh, do you want to be
buried or cremated?
180
00:07:21,445 --> 00:07:22,499
- Buried.
- Buried.
181
00:07:22,587 --> 00:07:23,481
Okay, great.
182
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,021
Uh, moving on to the estate.
183
00:07:25,117 --> 00:07:26,791
"In the event that one of you
gets remarried..."
184
00:07:26,878 --> 00:07:29,893
- Ha! Next question, man.
- Wh.oa
185
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:31,872
- [chuckles]
- Hold on.
186
00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,505
Why is that funny?
187
00:07:33,751 --> 00:07:37,010
'Cause I would never be
with another woman after you.
188
00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:41,596
And you definitely
couldn't be with another man.
189
00:07:42,674 --> 00:07:43,806
[chuckles]
190
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:46,057
So, Calvin,
if you up and die tomorrow,
191
00:07:46,145 --> 00:07:49,065
you would expect me to be single
for the rest of my life?
192
00:07:49,153 --> 00:07:50,674
Uh, yeah.
193
00:07:52,059 --> 00:07:53,583
Winnie Mandela did it.
194
00:07:53,827 --> 00:07:56,291
Coretta Scott King did it.
195
00:07:56,833 --> 00:07:59,190
Tina Butler can do it, too.
196
00:08:00,158 --> 00:08:01,924
Mandela, Dr. King.
197
00:08:02,012 --> 00:08:04,232
Why don't you
just compare yourself to Jesus?
198
00:08:04,392 --> 00:08:05,611
Well, fine. When I die,
199
00:08:05,699 --> 00:08:08,174
you got three days,
and I'm coming back.
200
00:08:09,825 --> 00:08:11,566
Stop playing with me, Tina.
201
00:08:11,802 --> 00:08:14,885
I forbid you to remarry
after I die.
202
00:08:15,055 --> 00:08:17,971
Well, if you keep it up,
you won't have to.
203
00:08:20,187 --> 00:08:22,237
Hey, who wants to watch
a monkey video?
204
00:08:25,575 --> 00:08:26,713
So, you see, Grover,
205
00:08:26,801 --> 00:08:28,869
even though Charlotte
dies in the end,
206
00:08:29,057 --> 00:08:31,260
the sacrifices she made
for Wilbur the pig
207
00:08:31,348 --> 00:08:33,643
show us what true
friendship really is.
208
00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:36,463
All it did
was make me want bacon.
209
00:08:37,356 --> 00:08:40,440
Remind me to never let you read
Old Yeller.
210
00:08:43,127 --> 00:08:44,245
Hey, Malcolm.
211
00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:46,328
Oh, hey, Dave.
Uh, Gemma asked me to come over
212
00:08:46,416 --> 00:08:48,151
and help Grover out
with his book report.
213
00:08:48,357 --> 00:08:50,588
Huh.
That's usually my job.
214
00:08:50,676 --> 00:08:52,069
It was...
215
00:08:52,258 --> 00:08:55,034
until I got a C
on the last one.
216
00:08:56,192 --> 00:08:57,221
[chuckles]
217
00:08:57,309 --> 00:08:59,703
I don't care what
Ms. Sweeney says.
218
00:08:59,909 --> 00:09:03,424
Charlie did nothing to deserve
that chocolate factory.
219
00:09:04,092 --> 00:09:06,518
[doorbell rings]
220
00:09:09,785 --> 00:09:11,047
Hi, I'm...
221
00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:12,708
Sofia? Sofia?
222
00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:13,994
Sofia!
223
00:09:19,957 --> 00:09:23,091
So, Sofia, what languages
do you speak again?
224
00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:26,159
Well, English,
Spanish, French...
225
00:09:26,247 --> 00:09:30,690
Ooh, French. As in fries,
toast and kissing.
226
00:09:31,669 --> 00:09:34,385
Gemma, you're embarrassing me.
227
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:35,612
Sorry.
228
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,135
She also graduated cum laude
from Berkeley.
229
00:09:39,039 --> 00:09:41,010
[chuckles]
Yeah, she mentioned that
230
00:09:41,098 --> 00:09:42,353
at the restaurant.
231
00:09:42,511 --> 00:09:44,760
You know who else
went to Berkeley?
232
00:09:45,035 --> 00:09:47,635
Frank M. Business.
233
00:09:47,986 --> 00:09:50,989
The "M" stands for Mindyourown.
234
00:09:52,963 --> 00:09:53,978
Um,
235
00:09:54,066 --> 00:09:55,846
Gemma, uh, where's the bathroom?
236
00:09:55,954 --> 00:09:58,130
Oh, uh, through the door
next to the stairs.
237
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,345
[chuckling]
238
00:10:01,433 --> 00:10:02,267
- [door closes]
- Really?
239
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,190
I can't believe y'all did this.
240
00:10:04,495 --> 00:10:06,736
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
241
00:10:06,824 --> 00:10:09,869
I've been upstairs brushing up
on Charlotte's Web.
242
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,486
Like a sucker.
243
00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:13,877
[sighs]
244
00:10:13,965 --> 00:10:15,658
It's true.
This is all on me.
245
00:10:15,746 --> 00:10:18,152
I just wanted you to
give Sofia another shot.
246
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,887
Once you spend
some more time with her,
247
00:10:19,975 --> 00:10:21,869
you'll forget all about
her silly little laugh.
248
00:10:21,957 --> 00:10:23,322
Gemma, this is not cool.
I told you
249
00:10:23,410 --> 00:10:25,847
I'm not interested in her or
the fact that she speaks French.
250
00:10:25,935 --> 00:10:28,644
Bon-Bonjour!
[chuckles]
251
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,417
Oh!
252
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,072
Speaking French...
253
00:10:32,728 --> 00:10:34,433
Bonjour.
254
00:10:34,819 --> 00:10:36,603
[cackling]
255
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,917
I'd take my mom's haircut
over that any day.
256
00:10:44,005 --> 00:10:45,230
Ooh.
257
00:10:48,661 --> 00:10:50,566
So, who gets the house...
Me or Malcolm?
258
00:10:50,685 --> 00:10:52,214
Whichever one of you promises
259
00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:54,997
not to let
your new stepdaddy move in.
260
00:10:56,451 --> 00:10:58,169
Oh, come on, Calvin.
261
00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:00,476
You know, look,
if I die tomorrow,
262
00:11:00,564 --> 00:11:03,255
I would want you to do
what you have to to be happy.
263
00:11:03,343 --> 00:11:04,388
Oh, really?
264
00:11:04,476 --> 00:11:07,716
So you'd be okay if I married
Monique Baker?
265
00:11:07,907 --> 00:11:10,106
That skank ho?!
266
00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:14,317
Don't you talk about
Marty's stepmother like that.
267
00:11:14,764 --> 00:11:15,896
Wait.
268
00:11:15,984 --> 00:11:17,185
Wait, who is Monique Baker?
269
00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:19,364
She's a skank ho, that's who!
270
00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:22,388
She used to sing in the choir
271
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:24,388
with your mother,
and I ain't gonna lie...
272
00:11:24,577 --> 00:11:27,060
She was pretty easy
on the eyes.
273
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,192
What?
274
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,651
You wouldn't want me
to be with somebody ugly now,
275
00:11:31,739 --> 00:11:35,411
would you? I mean, that would be
disrespecting your legacy.
276
00:11:36,551 --> 00:11:40,255
So you been cheating on me
in your mind all these years?
277
00:11:40,411 --> 00:11:42,746
Come on, Tina.
You know my mind.
278
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,504
You know I don't think.
279
00:11:45,627 --> 00:11:48,282
Well, you thought her
name up pretty quick.
280
00:11:48,401 --> 00:11:50,057
Yeah, it was pretty quick, Dad.
281
00:11:50,145 --> 00:11:51,447
You just lost the house.
282
00:11:51,535 --> 00:11:52,776
Damn it.
283
00:11:52,991 --> 00:11:55,385
And I'm not understanding
why you're so upset.
284
00:11:55,661 --> 00:11:58,221
'Cause I was ready to mourn
for the rest of my life,
285
00:11:58,309 --> 00:12:00,510
but no...
286
00:12:01,184 --> 00:12:03,518
you want us to be happy.
287
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,455
Okay, fine.
Maybe you're right.
288
00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:10,041
Maybe I shouldn't get
remarried when you're gone.
289
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:12,004
See? Now,
that's what I'm talking about.
290
00:12:12,092 --> 00:12:14,344
I mean, why tie myself down
to one man
291
00:12:14,432 --> 00:12:15,800
when I can date
a whole bunch of 'em?
292
00:12:15,887 --> 00:12:17,280
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
293
00:12:17,493 --> 00:12:18,838
W-What'd you just say?
294
00:12:18,926 --> 00:12:20,799
Uh, maybe now's a good time
for me to get a snack.
295
00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,088
Or, you know,
leave forever.
296
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:24,091
Oh.Yeah.
297
00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:25,784
You heard me.
298
00:12:25,924 --> 00:12:27,424
Maybe I should play the field,
299
00:12:27,512 --> 00:12:28,992
you know,
even go back to Jamaica,
300
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,932
get my groove back.
301
00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:33,547
Or maybe
302
00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:35,338
I should date a younger guy.
303
00:12:35,426 --> 00:12:38,026
I hear Monique's son
is really good-looking.
304
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,096
You stay away
from my future wife's son.
305
00:12:42,207 --> 00:12:44,080
Wait, uh, time-out.
306
00:12:44,168 --> 00:12:47,580
You do realize that means you
would be dating my stepbrother?
307
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:49,744
Ooh, you are so smart.
308
00:12:49,832 --> 00:12:52,010
I wonder if you get it
from your late father.
309
00:12:52,122 --> 00:12:53,885
What's his name again?
310
00:12:55,635 --> 00:12:57,065
You know what,
that's it.
311
00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:59,155
If I die,
I'm coming back as a ghost.
312
00:12:59,243 --> 00:13:01,071
Let's see
you keep a boyfriend
313
00:13:01,159 --> 00:13:03,619
when I'm poltergeisting his ass.
314
00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,322
Oh, and you know
what else?
315
00:13:09,410 --> 00:13:12,354
Sofia was telling me about
how much she loves to read.
316
00:13:12,549 --> 00:13:14,112
Malcolm's
a big reader, too.
317
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,425
What are you reading
these days?
318
00:13:15,512 --> 00:13:17,227
- Oh, all kinds of stuff.
- Mm.
319
00:13:17,315 --> 00:13:18,862
E-mails,
320
00:13:19,571 --> 00:13:21,752
text message...
[chuckles]
321
00:13:21,855 --> 00:13:23,080
Takeout menus.
322
00:13:23,168 --> 00:13:24,596
[cackling]
323
00:13:27,810 --> 00:13:30,721
Guys, I think the cat
from the alley is back.
324
00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:33,565
And it sounds
like she's having babies.
325
00:13:33,656 --> 00:13:36,173
[chuckles]
Uh, go back upstairs
326
00:13:36,261 --> 00:13:37,908
and finish your
book report, sweetie.
327
00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:40,227
Well, I guess
I should be getting home.
328
00:13:40,315 --> 00:13:42,010
Well, but it's still early.
329
00:13:42,098 --> 00:13:43,984
Yeah, well, when you're
a security guard, you need
330
00:13:44,071 --> 00:13:45,151
a lot of rest.
331
00:13:45,239 --> 00:13:46,354
Otherwise you might fall
332
00:13:46,442 --> 00:13:48,049
for a sneak attack.
333
00:13:49,341 --> 00:13:50,510
Oh, okay.
334
00:13:50,598 --> 00:13:52,229
It was nice to see you.
335
00:13:52,317 --> 00:13:53,884
It was nice
to see you, too.
336
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,783
Malcolm, before you leave,
can I see you in the kitchen?
337
00:13:56,871 --> 00:13:58,432
I have an important...
338
00:13:58,627 --> 00:14:01,213
security guarding question.
339
00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:06,779
Sofia, uh...
[chuckles]
340
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,497
You're an English teacher.
341
00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:11,037
You tell me those Oompa Loompas
didn't deserve
342
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:12,630
the chocolate factory.
343
00:14:13,795 --> 00:14:15,482
Malcolm, don't leave now.
344
00:14:15,570 --> 00:14:16,818
You're not giving her a chance.
345
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:19,162
That's because I told you
I'm not interested.
346
00:14:19,299 --> 00:14:20,990
Just because of her laugh?
347
00:14:21,176 --> 00:14:23,521
Which, by the way,
I happen to think is cute.
348
00:14:23,609 --> 00:14:25,552
[Sofia cackling]
349
00:14:31,364 --> 00:14:32,669
Okay, Grover's right.
350
00:14:32,757 --> 00:14:35,248
It's like a catfight
in her throat.
351
00:14:37,033 --> 00:14:38,295
But...
352
00:14:38,383 --> 00:14:40,693
she's so great
in every other way.
353
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,903
She's just not for me, okay?
354
00:14:43,552 --> 00:14:45,373
Fine. I guess
I'm just disappointed.
355
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:47,294
I didn't think
you were so superficial.
356
00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:50,092
No, look, Gemma, I'm not
superficial, all right?
357
00:14:50,664 --> 00:14:52,628
It's just...
[exhales]
358
00:14:53,274 --> 00:14:54,917
It's just what?
359
00:14:55,773 --> 00:14:56,967
All right, you want the truth?
360
00:14:57,054 --> 00:14:58,956
The problem is not her laugh.
361
00:14:59,075 --> 00:15:01,581
I actually like it. Really?
362
00:15:02,248 --> 00:15:04,159
I mean, really?
363
00:15:06,132 --> 00:15:07,948
Yes, okay?
It's got character.
364
00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:09,909
She doesn't hold back, and...
365
00:15:10,073 --> 00:15:11,620
I think that's cool.
366
00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:14,500
Okay, so then what's
the deal breaker?
367
00:15:14,588 --> 00:15:15,720
It's me.
368
00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:17,807
I'm the deal breaker.
369
00:15:18,145 --> 00:15:19,479
I-I got to go.
370
00:15:19,844 --> 00:15:20,845
[scoffs]
371
00:15:20,933 --> 00:15:22,839
Hey, it was really great
to see you.
372
00:15:22,927 --> 00:15:24,886
Um, good night.
373
00:15:27,639 --> 00:15:28,814
[door closes]
374
00:15:29,941 --> 00:15:31,518
What just happened?
375
00:15:31,819 --> 00:15:33,761
[sputters]
I don't know.
376
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,990
It's definitely not something
to laugh about.
377
00:15:39,625 --> 00:15:42,370
Oh, yeah? Well, me and
my boy toy, Winston,
378
00:15:42,458 --> 00:15:44,534
we gonna lie on the beach
in Jamaica
379
00:15:44,622 --> 00:15:47,604
and listen to reggae music
all day.
380
00:15:47,692 --> 00:15:48,870
Yeah, well, that's all right.
381
00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:50,472
Because I'm gonna be
on the couch
382
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:51,979
while Monique feeds me
383
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:55,112
the best macaroni and cheese
I've ever had.
384
00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:58,323
You said that I made
the best macaroni and cheese.
385
00:15:58,411 --> 00:15:59,325
You did.
386
00:15:59,413 --> 00:16:00,632
But you dead.
387
00:16:01,188 --> 00:16:02,300
Guys, please.
388
00:16:02,388 --> 00:16:04,144
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That-That's all right.
389
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,636
'Cause I don't even
cook anymore.
390
00:16:05,724 --> 00:16:08,128
Yeah, me and Winston...
We hired a private chef
391
00:16:08,216 --> 00:16:11,120
with the money that we got
from selling your shop!
392
00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:12,692
Marty, when I die,
393
00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:14,521
burn down my shop.
394
00:16:15,418 --> 00:16:17,834
Okay! Before I get arrested
for arson
395
00:16:17,922 --> 00:16:21,245
and have to be bailed out
by my stepbrother/dad,
396
00:16:21,796 --> 00:16:24,097
can you both sit down
and be quiet?
397
00:16:24,924 --> 00:16:26,112
Fine.
398
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,190
I was gonna sit down anyway.
399
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:32,151
I can't believe you guys
are arguing about this.
400
00:16:32,374 --> 00:16:34,246
Do you know
how lucky you are?
401
00:16:34,607 --> 00:16:36,417
People my age can't find
somebody to be with
402
00:16:36,505 --> 00:16:38,167
for more than
two weeks.
403
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,237
If it weren't for you two, I...
404
00:16:40,473 --> 00:16:42,690
I wouldn't even
believe in love anymore.
405
00:16:45,136 --> 00:16:46,495
I mean,
look at you.
406
00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:48,979
After 30 years, you're both
still so in love with each other
407
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:51,542
that you're jealous of people
that don't even exist.
408
00:16:54,904 --> 00:16:56,949
Monique Baker exists.
409
00:16:57,223 --> 00:16:59,542
You know, I would've
never even brought her up
410
00:16:59,630 --> 00:17:02,964
if you weren't so ready
to move on and forget about me.
411
00:17:03,991 --> 00:17:06,384
I could never
forget about you.
412
00:17:06,472 --> 00:17:07,987
Calvin, you're my soul mate.
413
00:17:08,075 --> 00:17:10,487
If I lost you,
I would be devastated.
414
00:17:12,911 --> 00:17:14,479
How devastated?
415
00:17:15,972 --> 00:17:19,266
Calvin, why are we even
talking about this?
416
00:17:19,729 --> 00:17:22,315
I don't want
to imagine life without you.
417
00:17:22,987 --> 00:17:24,307
I know.
418
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:26,538
I'd miss me, too.
419
00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:30,756
[chuckles]
420
00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:33,405
Give me a kiss,
you big old...
421
00:17:33,589 --> 00:17:35,593
sexy honey bear, you.
422
00:17:35,872 --> 00:17:37,961
Come here.
[chuckling][chuckling]
423
00:17:38,049 --> 00:17:39,944
Okay, okay.
If you guys are good,
424
00:17:40,032 --> 00:17:41,875
- let's get this over with.
- You know what, Marty,
425
00:17:41,962 --> 00:17:43,182
we're gonna have to do this
another time.
426
00:17:43,269 --> 00:17:45,923
Your mother and I have
some making up to do.
427
00:17:47,632 --> 00:17:51,063
Okay, that is it. Malcolm is
definitely inheriting the couch.
428
00:17:52,313 --> 00:17:53,532
Well, in that case,
429
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,672
you ain't gonna want
the truck either.
430
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:01,797
Hey, Malcolm.
431
00:18:01,892 --> 00:18:03,782
I was just coming over
to see how you're doing.
432
00:18:03,870 --> 00:18:04,921
I'm fine.
433
00:18:05,009 --> 00:18:06,707
Just went for a little walk.
434
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,360
So, how'd the rest
of the night with Sofia go?
435
00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:10,691
Kind of weird.
436
00:18:10,855 --> 00:18:12,290
Dave tried to keep
her from laughing
437
00:18:12,378 --> 00:18:13,970
by talking about
the opioid crisis
438
00:18:14,058 --> 00:18:15,829
and how all the bees are dying.
439
00:18:16,117 --> 00:18:18,032
[chuckles]
440
00:18:18,393 --> 00:18:21,907
Hey, what did you mean when you
said you're the deal breaker?
441
00:18:22,096 --> 00:18:25,012
Look, Sofia is amazing.
442
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:28,073
She's beautiful,
she's sophisticated,
443
00:18:28,161 --> 00:18:29,423
she's successful.
444
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:30,657
But look at me, Gemma.
445
00:18:30,745 --> 00:18:33,899
I'm still living at home,
trying to get my life together.
446
00:18:34,019 --> 00:18:36,259
That's not
how anyone sees you.
447
00:18:36,347 --> 00:18:38,044
You're a great guy.
448
00:18:38,331 --> 00:18:41,204
Well, maybe, but what do
I have to offer her?
449
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:44,643
Aside from watching Netflix
on my parents' couch
450
00:18:44,731 --> 00:18:47,798
while my pops rubs
lotion on his feet.
451
00:18:49,548 --> 00:18:52,134
Yeah, he's done that
on our couch, too.
452
00:18:54,013 --> 00:18:56,657
Look, the fact is,
453
00:18:56,745 --> 00:18:58,978
Sofia's out of my league
right now.
454
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,110
Malcolm...
455
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,642
where you are now in your life
is gonna change.
456
00:19:05,126 --> 00:19:06,509
What's not gonna change
457
00:19:06,597 --> 00:19:08,399
is who you are.
458
00:19:08,992 --> 00:19:11,422
And Sofia likes
who you are.
459
00:19:11,755 --> 00:19:14,236
[chuckles softly]
She said that?
460
00:19:14,573 --> 00:19:16,696
Why don't you read
the text yourself?
461
00:19:20,464 --> 00:19:21,665
Oh.
462
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,884
Well, she talks a lot
about my butt.
463
00:19:23,972 --> 00:19:25,282
[chuckles]
464
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:28,571
Kind of makes me feel
like a piece of meat.
465
00:19:29,722 --> 00:19:31,134
I like that.[chuckles]
466
00:19:31,985 --> 00:19:33,204
[chuckles]
467
00:19:33,478 --> 00:19:35,306
Look, Sofia's a total catch,
468
00:19:35,394 --> 00:19:37,309
and you shouldn't
let her get away.
469
00:19:37,708 --> 00:19:40,806
And I would tell her
the exact same thing about you.
470
00:19:42,022 --> 00:19:43,719
Thank you, Gemma.
471
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,071
I'm gonna go
give her a call.
472
00:19:45,159 --> 00:19:47,291
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
473
00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:50,907
Just like that,
Dr. Wedding Bells saves another patient.
474
00:19:52,489 --> 00:19:54,478
CALVIN:
Shut the damn door!
475
00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:00,095
Was he putting lotion
on his feet?
476
00:20:00,183 --> 00:20:01,774
Yeah, let's just go with that.
477
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,618
So, before you married
Tina and were dating,
478
00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:09,186
did you have any deal breakers?
479
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,179
I only had two rules, Dave.
480
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:13,899
Pretty feet
and a big ole butt.
481
00:20:15,844 --> 00:20:17,397
Well, what about with friends...
482
00:20:17,485 --> 00:20:18,485
Any rules there?
483
00:20:18,574 --> 00:20:19,751
A bunch.
484
00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:21,235
No one from Michigan,
485
00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:22,985
no optimists
486
00:20:23,157 --> 00:20:26,149
and definitely
no one named Dave.
487
00:20:26,953 --> 00:20:28,208
Well, you know,
488
00:20:28,296 --> 00:20:30,704
I happen to have a
few rules of my own.
489
00:20:31,017 --> 00:20:32,970
All right.
Let's hear 'em.
490
00:20:33,109 --> 00:20:34,444
They have to be grumpy,
491
00:20:34,532 --> 00:20:36,093
they have to know everything
492
00:20:36,181 --> 00:20:39,394
and they definitely have
to be able to fix a car.
493
00:20:41,203 --> 00:20:43,368
Dave, if those are your rules,
494
00:20:43,462 --> 00:20:45,556
that would mean
we would be best friends.
495
00:20:45,821 --> 00:20:47,039
You said it, not me.
496
00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:48,478
Booyah!
497
00:20:48,704 --> 00:20:50,907
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
498
00:20:51,485 --> 00:20:53,610
Sync corrections by srjanapala