Dad, can we go back inside?
It's hot out here.
Aw, come on, buddy, it's not that bad.
It's just a little fall heat wave.
Besides, it's cooled down to a comfy... 102.
Then can I at least have a turn?
What are you talking about?
I let you open the box.
[engine approaches]
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Dave.
Why are you sitting in your truck?
Just trying to soak in some AC for my run into the house.
Okay. All right.
Here I go. [inhales]
Calvin, wait.
What? [shouts]
Damn it, you just made me breathe out
all my air conditioning.
Hey, before you go inside,
check out this sick loop into a barrel roll.
Now, first you lean on the throttle,
and then you pull back on the...
Whoa, whoa, watch out for the power line.
[electricity crackles]Oh...
Guess now I get to put it back in the box.
♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood.
Dave knocks out our power, but his power stays on.
If that's not white privilege, I don't know what to tell you.
Hey, you know, Pop,
it could take the city a couple of days to fix it.
You sure you don't want to go with me to Marty's?
No, this is Dave's fault.
I'm staying at his place, eating his food, and cranking his air.
I'm thinking somewhere between meat locker and igloo.
[Tina shouts]
Lord, it's like an oven in here.
My nooks are starting to stick to my crannies.
If this is what hell feels like,
I'm-a start going to church more often. [chuckles]
Even during football season?
It's not that hot.
[sighs] I feel so bad that Calvin and Tina
have to spend the night here.
It was an accident.
It wasan accident, right?
Of course it was an accident.
I told you. Grover took it out of the box wrong.
[banging on door]
Let us in! It's hot out here!
TINA: Yeah, I'm starting to sweat my eyebrows off!
Oh, hey, guys, come on in...Out of the way.
[whoops]I'm looking for a vent.
Oh, yeah, there it is. Okay.
[whoops] Get all over me. Yeah.
Get in where you fit in, right there.
Yeah, uh, thanks again for letting us stay here.
Are you kidding? We're so glad to have you.
Oh, no! You don't want any part of this.
I'm funky as hell.
And, guys, while you're here,
please consider our home your home.
Well, in that case, you're Malcolm. Go get me a beer.
Perfect. One pumpkin spice lager coming up.
Thanks, and, uh, don't forget the beer.
Okay, we've got you all set up in our bedroom.
Fresh towels, clean sheets, and a bunch of little bottles
of shampoo I stole from a hotel.
Ooh. Gemma, you didn't have to do that.
I know, but it was such a rush.
Okay, since you weren't into the pumpkin spice,
I got you something a little more traditional.
Is any part of the name a fruit?
I'm gonna run to the store.
No, no, no, don't-- Dave. Don't bother.
We'll just go freshen up and then come down for dinner.
Oh, cool. Well, then, maybe after that we can watch a movie,
play a game, or, I don't know, just kick it.
Good night, everybody.
Good night. Oh...
[knocking on door]
Hey. What's up, man?[laughs]: Hey.
Come on in, brother.
Oh, wow, Marty, your place looks great.
I see you redecorated.
Yeah. I like to call my new aesthetic
"Mid-Century Marty."[chuckles]: Oh.
Well, that's a nice change of pace from "Last Century Calvin."
It's good to have you, man.
Take a load off, make yourself comfortable.
Thank you. Don't mind if I do.
Ah.
Maybe not that comfortable.
[laughs]: Oh.
Okay. My bad.No, you know, it's just--
this is a coffee table, not an ottoman.Right.
Totally different pieces of furniture.
Okay, I get it, man. Thank you.
What is this?Wh-Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa!What, man, what?
What do you think you're doing?
Marty, I'm just checking out your new toys.
Toys? M-Malcolm, these are scale models of the Saturn V,
the Atlantisshuttle, and the Apollo 11Lunar Module.
Okay? These are some of the most important examples
of mankind's ascent into space.Right.
Now, is that where they met the Green Power Ranger?
No, man.
He's there to protect them.
Hey, Marty, look, this is all just stuff, bro.
Don't be such a nerd.
Oh, man, you know, I'm not a nerd.
You know, I'm not a nerd. Just, uh, I like things a certain way.
Yeah, I know you do. You used to eat your alphabet soup
in alphabetical order.
Uh, hello? That's called a system.
And it's that kind of attention to detail
that makes JPL hire a person like me.
Yeah, well, I work at JPL, too.
[chuckles]: Well, you know...
You know... No disrespect, but-but you're a security guard.
I-I'm an engineer.
That's all disrespect.
No, I-I'm just saying, man, like i-if you press the wrong button,
somebody gets off on the wrong floor.
If I press the wrong button, goodbye, Moon.
Wait a minute, you can blow up the moon?
You heard nothing.
Listen, Malcolm, this is, this is my place, you know?
So-so, while you're here,
why don't we just keep things the way that I like them?
All right, man, fine.All right.
I'm-a go take a shower.
Unless you're uncomfortable with that, too.
Don't be silly.
[chuckles]: All right.
Just don't take your cell phone in there.
I don't like the radiation near my Q-tips.
Oh, hey, Gem. I was just coming down
to get a glass of wine!
Oh, my God.
It's okay. It's just a hydrating sheet mask.
Well, are you sure? Because it looks like
you're wearing your victim's face.
Oh, like, Hannibal Lecter?
[English accent]: "I enjoyed his liver
with some fava beans and a nice Chia..."
[gagging]
[regular accent]: I think I just swallowed some of my mask.
Oh...
[coughs]
So, do you do one of those every night?
Oh, no. Just once a week.
What do you do for your skin?
Well, I have this complex regimen
that I do seven nights a week.
[gasps] Ooh, what is it?
It's called being black.
Damn. Gemma wasn't joking.
She jacked, like, 50 hotels' worth of shampoo.
You know,
I'm keeping my eye on her the next time she uses our bathroom.
Well, I know I ain't getting a good night's sleep tonight.
These sheets are grabbing me like Velcro.
They feel good to me. They feel smooth.
Not smooth enough. You know how I like to slip around.
Stop complaining and just, just put on the TV.
Fine. But I'm buying a movie whether we watch it or not.
Where's the remote?
I don't know. Check Dave's nightstand.
Oh... Yeah.
Ain't nothing in here but a bunch of self-help books.
Building Connections with Kindness.
Even his books are annoying.
Calvin, stop snooping around.
White people got cameras.
[laughs] Look at this, Tina.
Dave has a Bible, too.
You know what? Maybe we should invite him
to our church sometime.
[laughs]
Could you imagine Dave at a black church?
What? That tambourine would never recover.
[laughs]
Oh, hold on, this ain't a Bible.
Oh, no, baby, that must be Dave's journal.
Put that back. That's not right.
Oh, no, it's okay, Tina.
He already tells me everything anyway. You know?
Oh, ooh, this is good, too, right here. Check this out.
"Old Miss Kim made me uncomfortable again today.
Why would she want to drink my bathwater?"
Hey, Dave, if you're watching, I'm not in this.
[laughs]: Oh. Here's another one right here.
"Came up with my own cool handshake.
Gonna try it out on Malcolm tomorrow."
Look, he even drew pictures and everything.
Look at this...
Calvin, Calvin, look, that's enough.
Okay? Enough with the journal.[stammers] Just one more, okay?
Oh, my God.[laughs]
Wait, wait a minute. What the hell?
What?
L-Let me see your reading glasses.
Oh, uh, here. Here, here.
Mmm.
"Calvin Butler thinks he's such a big shot,
"but the truth is he's a ridiculous,
insecure little man."
Damn, Dave, that's cold.
Who the hell does Dave think he is,
calling me insecure and ridiculous?
I'll tell you what's ridiculous.
This handshake. That's ridiculous.
It's got a pinkie swear in it.
Calvin, stop reading that.
It's just hurting your feelings, baby.
Feelings? Yeah.
Tina, I'm a man. I don't have feelings.
Besides, I don't give a damn what Dave thinks of me.
Okay. Well, in that case, let's go to sleep.
Yeah, let's go to sleep.
Okay.
CALVIN: I can't sleep![Tina grunts]
I need to get this off my chest right now.
Damn these Velcro sheets.
Calvin, Calvin, stop.
You cannot talk to Dave.Why not?
Because he'll know that you read his journal,
and no matter what he wrote, baby, that was wrong.
I don't care.
Well, do you care that it's 105 degrees in our house right now?
Sleep well, Tina.
Good morning, Malcolm.
[shrieks]
Good morning, Martin. Are you ready to go to work?
What-what happened?
Well, I don't know. I'm just a security guard.
You probably need a fancy engineer to figure this out.
Okay. This isn't funny.
Oh, I strongly disagree.
[laughs] All right.
All right, you made your point. Now help me put everything back.
This chair goes here. Okay?
These stools go right over here and...
[gasps] Ooh!
Why is Spock holding hands with Optimus Prime?
Wait a minute. Don't judge, Marty.
Love is love, brother.
[laughs]
"Love is love." No.
Spock can't love.
He doesn't have emotions!
Are we having chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?
Yeah. We wanted to do something special for the Butlers.
I'm so glad we broke their house.
[chuckles]
Good morning.
Oh, hey, how'd you guys sleep?
[quietly]: Like he cares. [mouths]
I hope you're hungry.
We made chocolate chip pancakes.
Yeah, I remembered they're your favorite.
[chuckles] You don't know me, Dave.
Are you still mad about the drone?
Oh, no. No, that was a blessing in disguise.
I totally agree.
Okay, then, uh, what's bothering you?
I'll tell you what's bothering me...Calvin.
No, Tina.
Look, I am too upset. I got to speak my mind.
It's all the shampoo I stole, isn't it?
I have a problem.
What-what-- no, no, no, no.
Actually, this is between Calvin and Dave.
So why don't we go into the living room and watch cartoons?
And we'll talk about getting you into a program.
Okay, Calvin, what's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on.
You called me a ridiculous, insecure little man.
When did I say that?
August 3.
Right after Old Miss Kim tried to get busy with you.
What are you...?
Calvin, did you read my journal?
Maybe.
That is a total violation of my privacy.
How could you do that?
Look, if you didn't want anybody to read it,
you shouldn't have left it buried
in the back of your nightstand.
I can't believe you did this.
I-I thought we were friends.And so did I,
until I went behind your back and read your journal.
You know, based on the way that you are acting,
I was right on about August 3.
And September 15.
What'd you say then?
You'll never know.
You know what? Forget this.
I'm out of here.
A-And for your information,
Old Miss Kim beentrying to drink my bathwater.
You ain't special, Dave.
Hey, I was told I need to escort
a terminated employee out of the building?
He's right in here packing up.
All right.
Oh, wait. Uh...
Marty, you're not the one who's fired, are you?
Yeah. I transposed some coordinates,
and now our GPS satellite is sending everybody
to a Starbucks in Wyoming.
Wh-- how'd you do that?
I'll tell you how. You messed up my stuff.
I was too stressed to focus and now I'm fired.
Oh, wait. Hey, look-look, uh, uh, Bill,
this is all my fault, all right?
Just tell me what the damages are
and you can take it out of my paycheck.
He lost a multimillion-dollar satellite.
Okay, I'm-a need to work some overtime.
It's too late, Malcolm. There's nothing you can do.
Hey, look. Come on, man.
You cannot fire Marty, all right?
You should see his apartment.
It is practically a shrine to all this...
nerd stuff that y'all do here.
Uh, sorry, but it's out of my hands.
Yeah, but this job is his life, man.
He can't lose it because of me.
Well, maybe you should have thought about that
before you pulled your stupid prank.
Look, I know. Y-You're right, Marty.
I just, I thought it would be funny.
But it wasn't, was it?
[sighs] No.
You want you know what is?What?
The fact that I'm pranking you right now!
[laughter] Yeah.
[whooping]
Yeah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, so...
all of you were in on this?
That's right. I've never felt so cool.
You should've seen your face.
"But this job is his life. He can't lose it 'cause of me."
[laughter]
Okay, well, what can I say, Marty?
You got me good.Oh, I did, didn't I?
It was pretty funny, right?
That was really funny.
Can I have a head start?
Five, four...
Save me, Bill!...three...
Bill's not gonna save you.
[knocking on door]
Oh. Hello, Calvin.
Or should I say Snoop Dogg?
Do you even know who that is?
Of course I do.
He hosts a cooking show with Martha Stewart.
Well, I'm just here because Tina forgot her overnight bag.
Well, it's probably still up in the bedroom. Go ahead.
All right. Cool. Uh...
Dave isn't here, is he?
No, he's out buying a journal with a lock.
I'll just go upstairs and get Tina's stuff.
Oh, and, uh,
she told me that, uh, I'm supposed to give you this.
Five dollars?
Yeah, I accidentally knocked Dave's toothbrush
into the toilet.
How did that happen?
Just take the money.
The hell are you doing here?
What the hell happened to the rest of your robe?
Gemma let you in here?
She sure did.
Hold up. Did Tina leave her bag here on purpose?
She sure did.
The two of you are gonna stay here until you work this out.
Oh. [scoffs] The hell I am.
You know you can't stop me, right?
Bring it.
Dave, we gonna have to work this out, man.
I'm glad to hear that. We'll be downstairs.
Oh, and, Dave, don't brush your teeth.
You know, none of this would've happened
if you would've just came and talked to me like a man
instead of writing it down in your little book.
Well, I wouldn't write about you
if you didn't insult me all the time.
I don't insult you.
The other day you called me "flamingo knees."
That's not an insult. That's a fact.
Stand on one leg. You'll see it.
[mutters]: Damn it.
You know what your problem is?
You don't care if you hurt people.
Look, I'm just keeping it real.
Oh, okay, maybe I should just "keep it real,"
and see how you like it.
Come on. Come at me, Dave.
Your hairline's receding.
Oh. Oh, we keeping it real real.
Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?
Look, man, you can't take what I say so personal.
Well, uh, then, why do you take what I wrote so personal?
Because that's totally different. How?
What I'm doing to you, I'm just messing around.
But what you wrote about me,
that was an attack on my character.
Says the guy who went through my stuff and read my journal?
Okay. All right, you know...
I mean, you know, you got me on that one.
You know, I'm... I was wrong for that, and I apologize.
Thank you.
Look, man, but I'm the kind of dude
that's always gonna say what I mean,
so if we're gonna be friends,
you're gonna have to deal with that.
Okay, fine. But I'm gonna deal with it my way.
Fine.
You know, 'cause if you think about it--
and I know a lot of people say this about me--
I'm just too funny.[laughs]
All right.All right.
We back to being us?
We're good, man. All right.
[exhales sharply]
You know, we'll keep working on that.
Oh, since when did we get Netflix?
Since your dad stole Dave's password.
Yeah, see, that explains why the "continue watching"
is Marley & Me.
Come on, Calvin, we're ready to start the movie!
CALVIN: I'm coming!
Oh, oh. Marley & Me.
Yeah.
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