1
00:00:02,773 --> 00:00:03,943
Lot of money in the pot, Dave.
2
00:00:04,024 --> 00:00:05,064
You thought
you could come over here
3
00:00:05,151 --> 00:00:07,401
and play cards with the big dog?
4
00:00:07,486 --> 00:00:10,026
Well, you about to get bit.
5
00:00:10,114 --> 00:00:11,404
(barks)
6
00:00:11,490 --> 00:00:12,950
(chuckles)
7
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:15,113
Go ahead, take your best shot.
8
00:00:15,202 --> 00:00:16,782
Do you have any nines?
9
00:00:16,871 --> 00:00:19,121
Go fish.
Ha, ha!
10
00:00:21,208 --> 00:00:22,508
(chuckles):
Ooh.
11
00:00:22,585 --> 00:00:25,255
Will you look at that?
I hooked a nine.
12
00:00:26,338 --> 00:00:28,008
Booyah!
13
00:00:29,049 --> 00:00:30,469
Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked
14
00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:32,421
by a dude who says "booyah."
15
00:00:33,596 --> 00:00:35,306
Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing?
16
00:00:35,389 --> 00:00:38,099
Oh, hey, hon. I just beat
Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.
17
00:00:38,184 --> 00:00:39,434
(gasps)
Booyah!
18
00:00:40,853 --> 00:00:42,773
Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.
19
00:00:42,855 --> 00:00:44,815
How do you feel
about blind dates?
20
00:00:44,899 --> 00:00:47,159
Oh, to be honest, Gemma,
I'm not really into bl...
21
00:00:47,234 --> 00:00:49,194
Great!
22
00:00:49,278 --> 00:00:51,828
Because there's this wonderful
new English teacher at school,
23
00:00:51,906 --> 00:00:55,156
Sofia, and I think you two
have a lot in common.
24
00:00:55,242 --> 00:00:58,492
Oh, so she also lives at home
and takes the bus to work?
25
00:00:58,579 --> 00:01:00,169
(chuckles)
26
00:01:00,247 --> 00:01:02,297
Thank you, Gemma,
but I don't think so.
27
00:01:02,374 --> 00:01:04,504
My last blind date turned out
to have three children.
28
00:01:04,585 --> 00:01:06,125
Well, you like kids.
29
00:01:06,212 --> 00:01:07,832
Yeah, but she brought
all of them to dinner.
30
00:01:09,215 --> 00:01:12,305
And one of them
was older than me.
31
00:01:12,384 --> 00:01:14,514
I promise you,
you have nothing to worry about.
32
00:01:14,595 --> 00:01:16,845
I'm kind of known
for my matchmaking skills.
33
00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:19,181
I have a perfect track record.
34
00:01:19,266 --> 00:01:20,726
Well...
35
00:01:21,936 --> 00:01:23,856
What about the Parkers?
36
00:01:23,938 --> 00:01:26,398
Oh, so he has a secret family
in Winnipeg and that's on me?
37
00:01:27,441 --> 00:01:28,851
Anyway,
38
00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:33,153
back in Kalamazoo, they called
me Dr. Wedding Bells.
39
00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:34,409
Hey, look,
I appreciate it, Gemma,
40
00:01:34,490 --> 00:01:36,160
but I'm not that desperate yet.
41
00:01:36,242 --> 00:01:38,862
You're not?
42
00:01:38,953 --> 00:01:42,333
You're playing Go Fish
with two married men.
43
00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:45,254
And last night I caught you
slow-dancing with a mop.
44
00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:47,720
He'll take it.
45
00:01:47,795 --> 00:01:50,385
Okay, fine.
I guess we can go for a drink.
46
00:01:50,464 --> 00:01:52,384
(gasps)
47
00:01:52,466 --> 00:01:53,966
Whoa, what's this, Pop?
48
00:01:54,051 --> 00:01:56,671
Uh, just some extra cash
in case she brings her kids.
49
00:01:58,430 --> 00:02:00,270
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
50
00:02:00,349 --> 00:02:01,479
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
51
00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:08,525
Calvin, I just heard
that Terrence Walker died.
52
00:02:08,607 --> 00:02:10,277
Can you believe that?
53
00:02:10,359 --> 00:02:13,319
Absolutely.
The man was on his last leg.
54
00:02:13,404 --> 00:02:15,284
He lost the first one in Korea.
55
00:02:17,449 --> 00:02:19,119
Well, apparently,
he didn't leave a will,
56
00:02:19,201 --> 00:02:22,071
and now his whole family
is fighting over his estate.
57
00:02:22,162 --> 00:02:23,912
What estate?
58
00:02:23,998 --> 00:02:27,798
He had an '81 Buick
and a closet full of left shoes.
59
00:02:32,673 --> 00:02:34,253
I don't know, Calvin.
60
00:02:34,341 --> 00:02:36,171
We're not as young
as we used to be.
61
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:38,390
Maybe we should be thinking
about making our will.
62
00:02:38,470 --> 00:02:41,940
Oh, no. Baby, we're not
old enough to need a will.
63
00:02:42,016 --> 00:02:44,226
I just got carded last week.
64
00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:45,770
That's because the waiter
65
00:02:45,853 --> 00:02:47,933
was trying to give you
a senior discount.
66
00:02:48,022 --> 00:02:50,692
Which I did not qualify for.
67
00:02:51,942 --> 00:02:54,232
Calvin, God forbid you died.
68
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,240
I mean, the last thing
you would want is for the boys
69
00:02:56,322 --> 00:02:58,192
to have to fight
over your stuff.
70
00:02:58,282 --> 00:03:01,952
I'm dead and you're worried
about the boys?
71
00:03:03,203 --> 00:03:04,993
Wow, Tina.
72
00:03:06,206 --> 00:03:07,296
Wow.
73
00:03:13,422 --> 00:03:15,132
Hey, brother,
74
00:03:15,215 --> 00:03:17,345
I am meeting a blind date
for a drink.
75
00:03:17,426 --> 00:03:19,136
and I really don't
want to be here.
76
00:03:19,219 --> 00:03:21,019
So can you call my cell
in, like, half an hour?
77
00:03:21,096 --> 00:03:24,516
Say no more. Grandma's in
the hospital or fire at home?
78
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,310
(chuckles)
Let's not take chances.
79
00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:29,603
Grandma's in the hospital
because of the fire at home.
80
00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,736
Here's my number.
81
00:03:32,816 --> 00:03:34,696
Hi. Malcolm?
82
00:03:34,777 --> 00:03:36,817
Oh, damn.
83
00:03:36,904 --> 00:03:38,324
Sofia?
84
00:03:38,405 --> 00:03:40,285
(laughs, clears throat)
85
00:03:40,366 --> 00:03:43,916
Let me guess. You were about
to have a sick aunt?
86
00:03:43,994 --> 00:03:45,494
What?
(laughs)
87
00:03:47,289 --> 00:03:47,999
How did you know?
88
00:03:48,082 --> 00:03:50,162
(phone ringing)
89
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,630
a call from my sick aunt.
90
00:03:54,254 --> 00:03:55,544
Never mind, he's cute.
91
00:03:55,631 --> 00:03:57,461
(chuckles)
92
00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:01,139
Hey, wait.
93
00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:03,180
We only need a table
for the two of us, right?
94
00:04:03,263 --> 00:04:04,843
Yeah. Why?
95
00:04:04,932 --> 00:04:06,302
I'm just checking.
96
00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:13,776
Hey, babe. Whatcha doing?
97
00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:15,487
Just getting some fresh air.
98
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,027
It's a beautiful night.
99
00:04:17,111 --> 00:04:18,401
The stars are out.
100
00:04:18,487 --> 00:04:19,447
You're waiting for Malcolm.
101
00:04:19,530 --> 00:04:21,240
Where the hell is he?!
102
00:04:21,323 --> 00:04:22,863
Well, if they're not home yet,
103
00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:25,000
the date must have
gone well, right?
104
00:04:25,077 --> 00:04:28,207
Not just well. Sofia texted me
and said it went great.
105
00:04:28,288 --> 00:04:30,378
Looks like Dr. Wedding Bells
106
00:04:30,457 --> 00:04:33,207
hasn't lost a patient yet.
107
00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:34,663
Well...
108
00:04:34,753 --> 00:04:37,253
I don't know if the
Cahills would agree.
109
00:04:37,339 --> 00:04:38,889
Again, not my fault.
110
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:41,346
If he didn't know he was gay,
how was I supposed to?
111
00:04:42,302 --> 00:04:44,382
Hey, guys.
112
00:04:44,471 --> 00:04:46,051
Tell me everything.
113
00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:47,850
Look, there's not much to tell.
114
00:04:47,933 --> 00:04:49,893
It was okay.
115
00:04:49,977 --> 00:04:51,227
Wha...
116
00:04:51,311 --> 00:04:53,351
Just okay?
117
00:04:53,439 --> 00:04:56,859
Time of death: 9:32.
118
00:04:56,942 --> 00:05:00,482
Wha... But Sofia said
it went great. What happened?
119
00:05:00,571 --> 00:05:02,071
All right, here's the truth.
120
00:05:02,156 --> 00:05:03,576
She has got this annoying laugh.
121
00:05:03,657 --> 00:05:05,907
A-And I mean,
it's really annoying.
122
00:05:05,993 --> 00:05:07,243
How bad is it?
123
00:05:07,327 --> 00:05:08,747
People around us
were checking their phones
124
00:05:08,829 --> 00:05:10,539
to see if there was
a Amber Alert.
125
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:13,951
Look, I'm sorry, Gemma,
126
00:05:14,043 --> 00:05:16,003
but that's a deal breaker
for me, all right?
127
00:05:16,086 --> 00:05:17,426
Thank you for trying, though.
128
00:05:19,173 --> 00:05:20,753
GEMMA:
I can't believe it.
129
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:24,381
I-It's crazy for something
like that to be a deal breaker.
130
00:05:24,470 --> 00:05:27,640
Catching your husband in a
Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.
131
00:05:29,516 --> 00:05:31,806
But this? No.
132
00:05:31,894 --> 00:05:34,974
Well, look, Gemma, everyone
has their deal breakers.
133
00:05:35,064 --> 00:05:37,444
You know, when I was single,
I could never date
134
00:05:37,524 --> 00:05:38,564
someone who littered
135
00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:41,820
or had the same
haircut as my mom.
136
00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:45,660
Or lived east of highway 43.
137
00:05:45,741 --> 00:05:48,821
It is bumpkin central
over there.
138
00:05:48,911 --> 00:05:52,121
Dave, I lived east
of highway 43.
139
00:05:52,206 --> 00:05:54,166
Oh, I know.
140
00:05:56,418 --> 00:05:58,628
But once I got to
know you better,
141
00:05:58,712 --> 00:06:00,632
I discovered so many
of your deal makers
142
00:06:00,714 --> 00:06:03,004
that I forgot about
my one deal breaker.
143
00:06:03,092 --> 00:06:05,632
Aw.
144
00:06:05,719 --> 00:06:07,429
Plus, you were the only girl
I met from over there
145
00:06:07,513 --> 00:06:08,843
who wasn't in a fight club.
146
00:06:11,850 --> 00:06:13,150
Maybe if I can
get Malcolm to see
147
00:06:13,227 --> 00:06:14,727
more of Sofia's good qualities,
148
00:06:14,812 --> 00:06:17,482
he'll get over his deal breaker,
just like you did.
149
00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:18,644
I guess.
150
00:06:18,732 --> 00:06:20,062
How long did it take you?
151
00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:22,990
Like, two or three dates?
152
00:06:23,070 --> 00:06:25,870
Yeah, let's go with that.
153
00:06:28,742 --> 00:06:30,822
Oh, hey, Dad.
154
00:06:30,911 --> 00:06:33,621
Oh, y'all watching
YouTube videos again?
155
00:06:33,705 --> 00:06:36,545
Play the one where the monkey
steals the baby's ice cream.
156
00:06:36,625 --> 00:06:39,465
No, Calvin, I asked
Marty to come over
157
00:06:39,545 --> 00:06:41,005
and help us do our wills.
158
00:06:41,088 --> 00:06:42,178
MARTY:
Yeah, I found
this website
159
00:06:42,256 --> 00:06:43,546
that does almost
all the work for you.
160
00:06:43,632 --> 00:06:46,252
So basically,
all you have to do is die.
161
00:06:46,343 --> 00:06:48,633
Boy, I survived
black Michael Jackson,
162
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,640
white Michael Jackson
163
00:06:50,722 --> 00:06:53,512
and "Damn, I ain't know he
did all that" Michael Jackson.
164
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,650
I ain't going nowhere.
165
00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:58,527
Okay, fine.
I'll do it without you.
166
00:06:58,605 --> 00:06:59,855
So leave his truck with Dave.
167
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,700
Over my dead body.
168
00:07:02,776 --> 00:07:05,316
Exactly.
169
00:07:05,404 --> 00:07:06,524
Fine.
170
00:07:06,613 --> 00:07:08,073
Come on.
Let's do this, then.
171
00:07:08,157 --> 00:07:09,697
Let's-let's do it.
172
00:07:09,783 --> 00:07:11,863
Thank you, baby. And I promise
you, when we're done,
173
00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:13,202
you can watch your monkey video.
174
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:14,577
How does that sound?
175
00:07:15,622 --> 00:07:16,952
Good.
176
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,877
Okay, let's get started.
177
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,380
Hmm.
178
00:07:22,462 --> 00:07:24,252
Oh, do you want to be
buried or cremated?
179
00:07:24,339 --> 00:07:25,549
Buried.
180
00:07:25,632 --> 00:07:26,542
Okay, great.
181
00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:28,053
Uh, moving on to the estate.
182
00:07:28,135 --> 00:07:29,675
"In the event that one of you
gets remarried..."
183
00:07:29,761 --> 00:07:32,721
Ha!
Next question, man.
184
00:07:32,806 --> 00:07:34,726
(chuckles)
185
00:07:34,808 --> 00:07:36,358
Why is that funny?
186
00:07:36,435 --> 00:07:39,605
'Cause I would never be
with another woman after you.
187
00:07:41,690 --> 00:07:44,530
And you definitely
couldn't be with another man.
188
00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:46,700
(chuckles)
189
00:07:46,778 --> 00:07:48,828
So, Calvin,
if you up and die tomorrow,
190
00:07:48,906 --> 00:07:51,906
you would expect me to be single
for the rest of my life?
191
00:07:51,992 --> 00:07:53,452
Uh, yeah.
192
00:07:55,037 --> 00:07:56,577
Winnie Mandela did it.
193
00:07:56,663 --> 00:07:59,743
Coretta Scott King did it.
194
00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,703
Tina Butler can do it, too.
195
00:08:02,711 --> 00:08:04,961
Mandela, Dr. King.
196
00:08:05,047 --> 00:08:07,257
Why don't you
just compare yourself to Jesus?
197
00:08:07,341 --> 00:08:08,591
Well, fine. When I die,
198
00:08:08,675 --> 00:08:10,765
you got three days,
and I'm coming back.
199
00:08:13,138 --> 00:08:14,888
Stop playing with me, Tina.
200
00:08:14,973 --> 00:08:17,643
I forbid you to remarry
after I die.
201
00:08:17,726 --> 00:08:20,686
Well, if you keep it up,
you won't have to.
202
00:08:23,523 --> 00:08:24,893
Hey, who wants to watch
a monkey video?
203
00:08:28,153 --> 00:08:29,773
So, you see, Grover,
204
00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:31,483
even though Charlotte
dies in the end,
205
00:08:31,573 --> 00:08:34,243
the sacrifices she made
for Wilbur the pig
206
00:08:34,326 --> 00:08:36,746
show us what true
friendship really is.
207
00:08:36,828 --> 00:08:39,788
All it did
was make me want bacon.
208
00:08:40,707 --> 00:08:43,377
Remind me to never let you read
Old Yeller.
209
00:08:45,379 --> 00:08:46,799
Hey, Malcolm.
210
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,260
Oh, hey, Dave.
Uh, Gemma asked me to come over
211
00:08:49,341 --> 00:08:51,001
and help Grover out
with his book report.
212
00:08:51,093 --> 00:08:53,803
Huh.
That's usually my job.
213
00:08:53,887 --> 00:08:55,267
It was...
214
00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:57,937
until I got a C
on the last one.
215
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,144
(chuckles)
216
00:09:00,227 --> 00:09:02,647
I don't care what
Ms. Sweeney says.
217
00:09:02,729 --> 00:09:06,569
Charlie did nothing to deserve
that chocolate factory.
218
00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:08,910
(doorbell rings)
219
00:09:12,406 --> 00:09:13,826
Hi, I'm...
220
00:09:13,907 --> 00:09:15,497
Sofia?
221
00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:16,905
Sofia!
222
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,964
So, Sofia, what languages
do you speak again?
223
00:09:27,045 --> 00:09:30,335
Well, English,
Spanish, French...
224
00:09:30,424 --> 00:09:34,804
Ooh, French. As in fries,
toast and kissing.
225
00:09:35,762 --> 00:09:38,012
Gemma, you're embarrassing me.
226
00:09:38,098 --> 00:09:40,148
Sorry.
227
00:09:40,225 --> 00:09:41,515
She also graduated cum laude
from Berkeley.
228
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:45,351
(chuckles)
Yeah, she mentioned that
229
00:09:45,439 --> 00:09:46,189
at the restaurant.
230
00:09:46,273 --> 00:09:48,523
You know who else
went to Berkeley?
231
00:09:48,608 --> 00:09:51,528
Frank M. Business.
232
00:09:51,612 --> 00:09:54,612
The "M" stands for Mindyourown.
233
00:09:56,533 --> 00:09:58,033
Um,
234
00:09:58,118 --> 00:09:59,668
Gemma, uh, where's the bathroom?
235
00:09:59,745 --> 00:10:01,915
Oh, uh, through the door
next to the stairs.
236
00:10:01,997 --> 00:10:04,877
(chuckling)
237
00:10:04,958 --> 00:10:06,208
(door closes)
238
00:10:06,293 --> 00:10:07,873
I can't believe y'all did this.
239
00:10:07,961 --> 00:10:10,541
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
240
00:10:10,630 --> 00:10:13,850
I've been upstairs brushing up
on Charlotte's Web.
241
00:10:13,925 --> 00:10:16,055
Like a sucker.
242
00:10:16,136 --> 00:10:17,386
(sighs)
243
00:10:17,471 --> 00:10:19,591
It's true.
This is all on me.
244
00:10:19,681 --> 00:10:22,221
I just wanted you to
give Sofia another shot.
245
00:10:22,309 --> 00:10:24,019
Once you spend
some more time with her,
246
00:10:24,102 --> 00:10:26,022
you'll forget all about
her silly little laugh.
247
00:10:26,104 --> 00:10:27,224
Gemma, this is not cool.
I told you
248
00:10:27,314 --> 00:10:29,444
I'm not interested in her or
the fact that she speaks French.
249
00:10:29,524 --> 00:10:32,774
Bon-Bonjour!
(chuckles)
250
00:10:32,861 --> 00:10:34,401
Oh!
251
00:10:34,488 --> 00:10:36,078
(speaking French)
252
00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:38,036
Bonjour.
253
00:10:38,116 --> 00:10:39,906
(cackling)
254
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:47,920
I'd take my mom's haircut
over that any day.
255
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,081
Ooh.
256
00:10:51,671 --> 00:10:54,751
So, who gets the house--
me or Malcolm?
257
00:10:54,841 --> 00:10:56,341
Whichever one of you promises
258
00:10:56,426 --> 00:10:58,596
not to let
your new stepdaddy move in.
259
00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:02,228
Oh, come on, Calvin.
260
00:11:02,307 --> 00:11:04,517
You know, look,
if I die tomorrow,
261
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:07,141
I would want you to do
what you have to to be happy.
262
00:11:07,229 --> 00:11:08,899
Oh, really?
263
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:11,740
So you'd be okay if I married
Monique Baker?
264
00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:14,907
That skank ho?!
265
00:11:14,986 --> 00:11:18,576
Don't you talk about
Marty's stepmother like that.
266
00:11:18,657 --> 00:11:19,787
Wait.
267
00:11:19,866 --> 00:11:21,246
Wait, who is Monique Baker?
268
00:11:21,326 --> 00:11:24,626
She's a skank ho, that's who!
269
00:11:24,704 --> 00:11:26,124
She used to sing in the choir
270
00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:28,496
with your mother,
and I ain't gonna lie--
271
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:30,453
she was pretty easy
on the eyes.
272
00:11:31,503 --> 00:11:33,423
What?
273
00:11:33,505 --> 00:11:35,465
You wouldn't want me
to be with somebody ugly now,
274
00:11:35,549 --> 00:11:39,219
would you? I mean, that would be
disrespecting your legacy.
275
00:11:40,637 --> 00:11:43,977
So you been cheating on me
in your mind all these years?
276
00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:46,767
Come on, Tina.
You know my mind.
277
00:11:46,852 --> 00:11:48,102
You know I don't think.
278
00:11:49,688 --> 00:11:52,318
Well, you thought her
name up pretty quick.
279
00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:53,949
Yeah, it was pretty quick, Dad.
280
00:11:54,025 --> 00:11:55,315
You just lost the house.
281
00:11:55,402 --> 00:11:57,022
Damn it.
282
00:11:57,112 --> 00:11:59,482
And I'm not understanding
why you're so upset.
283
00:11:59,573 --> 00:12:02,453
'Cause I was ready to mourn
for the rest of my life,
284
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:05,494
but no...
285
00:12:05,579 --> 00:12:07,789
you want us to be happy.
286
00:12:09,374 --> 00:12:11,504
Okay, fine.
Maybe you're right.
287
00:12:11,585 --> 00:12:14,335
Maybe I shouldn't get
remarried when you're gone.
288
00:12:14,421 --> 00:12:16,131
See? Now,
that's what I'm talking about.
289
00:12:16,214 --> 00:12:18,344
I mean, why tie myself down
to one man
290
00:12:18,425 --> 00:12:19,925
when I can date
a whole bunch of 'em?
291
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,350
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
292
00:12:21,428 --> 00:12:22,888
W-What'd you just say?
293
00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:24,841
Uh, maybe now's a good time
for me to get a snack.
294
00:12:24,931 --> 00:12:26,341
Or, you know,
leave forever.
295
00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:28,353
Oh.
296
00:12:28,435 --> 00:12:29,975
You heard me.
297
00:12:30,061 --> 00:12:31,521
Maybe I should play the field,
298
00:12:31,605 --> 00:12:33,065
you know,
even go back to Jamaica,
299
00:12:33,148 --> 00:12:35,738
get my groove back.
300
00:12:35,817 --> 00:12:37,487
Or maybe
301
00:12:37,569 --> 00:12:39,489
I should date a younger guy.
302
00:12:39,571 --> 00:12:42,361
I hear Monique's son
is really good-looking.
303
00:12:42,449 --> 00:12:45,869
You stay away
from my future wife's son.
304
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:47,872
Wait, uh, time-out.
305
00:12:47,954 --> 00:12:51,704
You do realize that means you
would be dating my stepbrother?
306
00:12:51,791 --> 00:12:53,701
Ooh, you are so smart.
307
00:12:53,793 --> 00:12:55,873
I wonder if you get it
from your late father.
308
00:12:55,962 --> 00:12:57,422
What's his name again?
309
00:12:59,132 --> 00:13:01,052
You know what,
that's it.
310
00:13:01,134 --> 00:13:03,174
If I die,
I'm coming back as a ghost.
311
00:13:03,261 --> 00:13:05,051
Let's see you keep a boyfriend
312
00:13:05,138 --> 00:13:07,138
when I'm poltergeisting his ass.
313
00:13:11,478 --> 00:13:13,398
Oh, and you know
what else?
314
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,570
Sofia was telling me about
how much she loves to read.
315
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,700
Malcolm's
a big reader, too.
316
00:13:18,777 --> 00:13:19,697
What are you reading
these days?
317
00:13:19,778 --> 00:13:21,028
Oh, all kinds of stuff.
318
00:13:21,112 --> 00:13:23,282
E-mails,
319
00:13:23,365 --> 00:13:25,865
text message...
(chuckles)
320
00:13:25,951 --> 00:13:27,451
takeout menus.
321
00:13:27,536 --> 00:13:28,916
(cackling)
322
00:13:32,332 --> 00:13:34,542
Guys, I think the cat
from the alley is back.
323
00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:37,584
And it sounds
like she's having babies.
324
00:13:37,671 --> 00:13:39,921
(chuckles)
Uh, go back upstairs
325
00:13:40,006 --> 00:13:42,176
and finish your
book report, sweetie.
326
00:13:42,259 --> 00:13:44,389
Well, I guess
I should be getting home.
327
00:13:44,469 --> 00:13:46,269
Well, but it's still early.
328
00:13:46,346 --> 00:13:48,136
Yeah, well, when you're
a security guard, you need
329
00:13:48,223 --> 00:13:49,133
a lot of rest.
330
00:13:49,224 --> 00:13:50,434
Otherwise you might fall
331
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:51,687
for a sneak attack.
332
00:13:53,270 --> 00:13:54,440
Oh, okay.
333
00:13:54,521 --> 00:13:56,391
It was nice to see you.
334
00:13:56,481 --> 00:13:58,061
It was nice
to see you, too.
335
00:13:58,149 --> 00:14:00,739
Malcolm, before you leave,
can I see you in the kitchen?
336
00:14:00,819 --> 00:14:02,489
I have an important...
337
00:14:02,571 --> 00:14:04,821
security guarding question.
338
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:10,788
Sofia, uh...
(chuckles)
339
00:14:10,870 --> 00:14:12,500
you're an English teacher.
340
00:14:12,581 --> 00:14:14,791
You tell me those Oompa Loompas
didn't deserve
341
00:14:14,874 --> 00:14:16,414
the chocolate factory.
342
00:14:18,211 --> 00:14:19,501
Malcolm, don't leave now.
343
00:14:19,588 --> 00:14:21,258
You're not giving her a chance.
344
00:14:21,339 --> 00:14:23,259
That's because I told you
I'm not interested.
345
00:14:23,341 --> 00:14:25,251
Just because of her laugh?
346
00:14:25,343 --> 00:14:27,923
Which, by the way,
I happen to think is cute.
347
00:14:28,013 --> 00:14:29,593
(Sofia cackling)
348
00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:36,685
Okay, Grover's right.
349
00:14:36,771 --> 00:14:38,851
It's like a catfight
in her throat.
350
00:14:40,859 --> 00:14:42,159
But...
351
00:14:42,235 --> 00:14:44,695
she's so great
in every other way.
352
00:14:44,779 --> 00:14:46,869
She's just not for me, okay?
353
00:14:46,948 --> 00:14:49,658
Fine. I guess
I'm just disappointed.
354
00:14:49,743 --> 00:14:51,783
I didn't think
you were so superficial.
355
00:14:51,870 --> 00:14:54,590
No, look, Gemma, I'm not
superficial, all right?
356
00:14:54,664 --> 00:14:56,664
It's just...
(exhales)
357
00:14:56,750 --> 00:14:58,800
It's just what?
358
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:00,964
All right, you want the truth?
359
00:15:01,046 --> 00:15:03,336
The problem is not her laugh.
360
00:15:03,423 --> 00:15:05,633
I actually like it.
361
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,520
I mean, really?
362
00:15:10,597 --> 00:15:12,187
Yes, okay?
It's got character.
363
00:15:12,265 --> 00:15:14,305
She doesn't hold back, and...
364
00:15:14,392 --> 00:15:16,562
I think that's cool.
365
00:15:16,645 --> 00:15:18,815
Okay, so then what's
the deal breaker?
366
00:15:18,897 --> 00:15:20,027
It's me.
367
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:21,816
I'm the deal breaker.
368
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:23,700
I-I got to go.
369
00:15:23,777 --> 00:15:24,527
(scoffs)
370
00:15:24,611 --> 00:15:26,981
Hey, it was really great
to see you.
371
00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:29,072
Um, good night.
372
00:15:31,618 --> 00:15:32,788
(door closes)
373
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:35,670
What just happened?
374
00:15:35,747 --> 00:15:38,247
(sputters)
I don't know.
375
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,753
It's definitely not something
to laugh about.
376
00:15:43,755 --> 00:15:46,715
Oh, yeah? Well, me and
my boy toy, Winston,
377
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,720
we gonna lie on the beach
in Jamaica
378
00:15:48,802 --> 00:15:51,882
and listen to reggae music
all day.
379
00:15:51,971 --> 00:15:52,721
Yeah, well, that's all right.
380
00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:54,516
Because I'm gonna be
on the couch
381
00:15:54,599 --> 00:15:55,899
while Monique feeds me
382
00:15:55,975 --> 00:15:58,895
the best macaroni and cheese
I've ever had.
383
00:15:58,978 --> 00:16:02,568
You said that I made
the best macaroni and cheese.
384
00:16:02,649 --> 00:16:03,569
You did.
385
00:16:03,650 --> 00:16:04,860
But you dead.
386
00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:06,523
Guys, please.
387
00:16:06,611 --> 00:16:08,571
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That-That's all right.
388
00:16:08,655 --> 00:16:09,905
'Cause I don't even
cook anymore.
389
00:16:09,989 --> 00:16:12,369
Yeah, me and Winston--
we hired a private chef
390
00:16:12,450 --> 00:16:15,370
with the money that we got
from selling your shop!
391
00:16:15,453 --> 00:16:16,823
Marty, when I die,
392
00:16:16,913 --> 00:16:18,663
burn down my shop.
393
00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:22,081
Okay! Before I get arrested
for arson
394
00:16:22,168 --> 00:16:26,048
and have to be bailed out
by my stepbrother/dad,
395
00:16:26,131 --> 00:16:28,921
can you both sit down
and be quiet?
396
00:16:29,008 --> 00:16:29,928
Fine.
397
00:16:30,009 --> 00:16:31,769
I was gonna sit down anyway.
398
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:36,592
I can't believe you guys
are arguing about this.
399
00:16:36,683 --> 00:16:38,553
Do you know how lucky you are?
400
00:16:38,643 --> 00:16:40,563
People my age can't find
somebody to be with
401
00:16:40,645 --> 00:16:42,775
for more than
two weeks.
402
00:16:42,856 --> 00:16:44,566
If it weren't for you two, I...
403
00:16:44,649 --> 00:16:46,989
I wouldn't even
believe in love anymore.
404
00:16:48,737 --> 00:16:50,657
I mean,
look at you.
405
00:16:50,739 --> 00:16:52,949
After 30 years, you're both
still so in love with each other
406
00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:55,322
that you're jealous of people
that don't even exist.
407
00:16:58,872 --> 00:17:00,952
Monique Baker exists.
408
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,460
You know, I would've
never even brought her up
409
00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:06,923
if you weren't so ready
to move on and forget about me.
410
00:17:08,214 --> 00:17:10,634
I could never
forget about you.
411
00:17:10,717 --> 00:17:11,847
Calvin, you're my soul mate.
412
00:17:11,926 --> 00:17:14,556
If I lost you,
I would be devastated.
413
00:17:16,681 --> 00:17:19,301
How devastated?
414
00:17:19,392 --> 00:17:22,972
Calvin, why are we even
talking about this?
415
00:17:23,062 --> 00:17:26,192
I don't want
to imagine life without you.
416
00:17:26,274 --> 00:17:28,444
I know.
417
00:17:28,526 --> 00:17:30,196
I'd miss me, too.
418
00:17:31,529 --> 00:17:34,539
(chuckles)
419
00:17:35,617 --> 00:17:37,657
Give me a kiss,
you big old...
420
00:17:37,744 --> 00:17:39,664
sexy honey bear, you.
421
00:17:39,746 --> 00:17:41,836
Come here.
(chuckling)
422
00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:43,835
Okay, okay. If
you guys are good,
423
00:17:43,917 --> 00:17:45,837
let's get this over with.
424
00:17:45,919 --> 00:17:46,839
we're gonna have to do this
another time.
425
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,930
Your mother and I have
some making up to do.
426
00:17:51,925 --> 00:17:54,635
Okay, that is it. Malcolm is
definitely inheriting the couch.
427
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,680
Well, in that case,
428
00:17:57,764 --> 00:17:59,224
you ain't gonna want
the truck either.
429
00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:05,690
Hey, Malcolm.
430
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:07,892
I was just coming over
to see how you're doing.
431
00:18:07,982 --> 00:18:08,892
I'm fine.
432
00:18:08,983 --> 00:18:10,693
Just went for a little walk.
433
00:18:10,777 --> 00:18:13,527
So, how'd the rest
of the night with Sofia go?
434
00:18:13,613 --> 00:18:14,693
Kind of weird.
435
00:18:14,781 --> 00:18:16,361
Dave tried to keep
her from laughing
436
00:18:16,449 --> 00:18:17,869
by talking about
the opioid crisis
437
00:18:17,951 --> 00:18:19,531
and how all the bees are dying.
438
00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:22,209
(chuckles)
439
00:18:22,288 --> 00:18:26,168
Hey, what did you mean when you
said you're the deal breaker?
440
00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:29,161
Look, Sofia is amazing.
441
00:18:29,254 --> 00:18:31,834
She's beautiful,
she's sophisticated,
442
00:18:31,923 --> 00:18:33,383
she's successful.
443
00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:34,926
But look at me, Gemma.
444
00:18:35,009 --> 00:18:37,889
I'm still living at home,
trying to get my life together.
445
00:18:37,971 --> 00:18:40,381
That's not how anyone sees you.
446
00:18:40,473 --> 00:18:42,183
You're a great guy.
447
00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:45,227
Well, maybe, but what do
I have to offer her?
448
00:18:45,311 --> 00:18:48,681
Aside from watching Netflix
on my parents' couch
449
00:18:48,773 --> 00:18:52,023
while my pops rubs
lotion on his feet.
450
00:18:53,528 --> 00:18:56,288
Yeah, he's done that
on our couch, too.
451
00:18:57,782 --> 00:19:00,702
Look, the fact is,
452
00:19:00,785 --> 00:19:03,455
Sofia's out of my league
right now.
453
00:19:03,538 --> 00:19:05,248
Malcolm...
454
00:19:05,331 --> 00:19:08,371
where you are now in your life
is gonna change.
455
00:19:08,459 --> 00:19:10,759
What's not gonna change
456
00:19:10,837 --> 00:19:12,797
is who you are.
457
00:19:12,881 --> 00:19:15,921
And Sofia likes who you are.
458
00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:18,469
(chuckles softly)
She said that?
459
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:20,763
Why don't you read
the text yourself?
460
00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:25,810
Oh.
461
00:19:25,894 --> 00:19:28,064
Well, she talks a lot
about my butt.
462
00:19:28,146 --> 00:19:30,606
(chuckles)
463
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,700
Kind of makes me feel
like a piece of meat.
464
00:19:33,776 --> 00:19:34,776
I like that.
465
00:19:35,904 --> 00:19:37,114
(chuckles)
466
00:19:37,196 --> 00:19:39,656
Look, Sofia's a total catch,
467
00:19:39,741 --> 00:19:41,651
and you shouldn't
let her get away.
468
00:19:41,743 --> 00:19:44,953
And I would tell her
the exact same thing about you.
469
00:19:45,997 --> 00:19:47,667
Thank you, Gemma.
470
00:19:47,749 --> 00:19:49,459
I'm gonna go give her a call.
471
00:19:49,542 --> 00:19:51,662
(gasps)
472
00:19:51,753 --> 00:19:55,423
Just like that, Dr. Wedding
Bells saves another patient.
473
00:19:56,507 --> 00:19:58,097
CALVIN:
Shut the damn door!
474
00:20:02,388 --> 00:20:04,308
Was he putting lotion
on his feet?
475
00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:05,520
Yeah, let's just go with that.
476
00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:13,525
So, before you married
Tina and were dating,
477
00:20:13,608 --> 00:20:14,858
did you have any deal breakers?
478
00:20:14,943 --> 00:20:16,483
I only had two rules, Dave.
479
00:20:16,569 --> 00:20:19,579
Pretty feet and a big ole butt.
480
00:20:21,032 --> 00:20:22,952
Well, what about with friends--
481
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,324
any rules there?
482
00:20:24,410 --> 00:20:25,330
A bunch.
483
00:20:25,411 --> 00:20:26,991
No one from Michigan,
484
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,500
no optimists
485
00:20:28,581 --> 00:20:31,661
and definitely
no one named Dave.
486
00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:34,130
Well, you know,
487
00:20:34,212 --> 00:20:36,332
I happen to have a
few rules of my own.
488
00:20:36,422 --> 00:20:38,632
All right.
Let's hear 'em.
489
00:20:38,716 --> 00:20:39,926
They have to be grumpy,
490
00:20:40,009 --> 00:20:41,599
they have to know everything
491
00:20:41,678 --> 00:20:45,308
and they definitely have
to be able to fix a car.
492
00:20:46,307 --> 00:20:48,647
Dave, if those are your rules,
493
00:20:48,726 --> 00:20:50,816
that would mean
we would be best friends.
494
00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:52,355
You said it, not me.
495
00:20:52,438 --> 00:20:53,648
Booyah!
496
00:21:00,071 --> 00:21:03,031
Captioning sponsored by
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497
00:21:03,116 --> 00:21:06,156
Captioned by
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