1
00:00:02,806 --> 00:00:05,156
Come on, Tina,
we got to get to this theater.
2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,340
Look, matinee hours
end in 30 minutes,
3
00:00:07,376 --> 00:00:08,946
and I'm not paying
full price
4
00:00:08,986 --> 00:00:12,516
to see The Rock
beat up a hurricane.
5
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,865
Baby, we're only late
because you made us stop
6
00:00:14,905 --> 00:00:16,865
and try every free sample
in the store.
7
00:00:16,907 --> 00:00:19,607
How many weenies on a toothpick
can one man eat?
8
00:00:19,649 --> 00:00:22,919
Well, at least we don't have to
stand in line for popcorn.
9
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,656
I saved us time and money.
10
00:00:25,698 --> 00:00:29,358
Look, we'll just find a birthday
present for Grover and go.
11
00:00:29,398 --> 00:00:31,528
[laughs]:
Oh!
12
00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,184
How about these nunchucks?
13
00:00:33,228 --> 00:00:34,928
[shouting]
14
00:00:38,059 --> 00:00:40,109
Oh, you know he's gonna
hit Dave with these.
15
00:00:42,106 --> 00:00:43,976
Put them back,
Bruce Leroy.
16
00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:48,112
Gemma doesn't want us
to get him any violent toys.
17
00:00:48,156 --> 00:00:52,206
Fine. Well,
I'm-a get them for me.
18
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:53,817
Oh, what about this?
19
00:00:53,857 --> 00:00:55,817
No. Gemma asked us
20
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:59,389
to shy away from any toys
that reinforce specific genders.
21
00:00:59,428 --> 00:01:03,348
Well, God forbid Grover
finds out he's a boy.
22
00:01:03,388 --> 00:01:06,738
How about we just cruise
over to the food section
23
00:01:06,783 --> 00:01:09,303
and get him a can of soup?[chuckles]
24
00:01:09,351 --> 00:01:12,571
Gemma suggested that we get him
something educational.
25
00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:14,615
Well, we can get him
some alphabet soup.
26
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:17,710
Ooh, this is nice.
27
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:18,890
A math puzzle.
28
00:01:18,925 --> 00:01:20,665
Seriously?
29
00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:23,720
What did that boy
ever do to you?
30
00:01:23,756 --> 00:01:26,676
You know what? I-I really can't
believe how these parents coddle
31
00:01:26,716 --> 00:01:28,546
their kids nowadays.Mm.
32
00:01:28,587 --> 00:01:31,897
We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty
of violent, gendered toys
33
00:01:31,938 --> 00:01:33,728
and they turned out fine.
34
00:01:33,766 --> 00:01:35,506
[laughter, shouting]
35
00:01:35,551 --> 00:01:37,201
Come on, you're dead, man!
I knocked your head off.
36
00:01:37,248 --> 00:01:38,598
No, you missed.
You hit that old lady!
37
00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:40,071
[both grunting]
38
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,610
You know what? I'm gonna
let you deal with this.
39
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:47,438
I'm gonna go back and get
some more toothpick weenies.
40
00:01:49,347 --> 00:01:51,007
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
41
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,004
♪ Welcome to the hood.
42
00:01:58,574 --> 00:02:00,534
Okay, the backyard
is looking good,
43
00:02:00,576 --> 00:02:02,666
and the entertainment should
be here in half an hour.
44
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:05,448
Oh, there's entertainment?Oh, yeah.
45
00:02:05,494 --> 00:02:09,844
We got the one and only
Insane Shane the Party Ma-chane.
46
00:02:09,889 --> 00:02:13,379
You got Insane Shane?
47
00:02:13,415 --> 00:02:14,935
You've heard of him?No.
48
00:02:14,981 --> 00:02:17,461
[chuckles]
49
00:02:17,506 --> 00:02:20,506
He's the premier host of kids'
birthday parties in Pasadena.
50
00:02:20,552 --> 00:02:22,512
Well, what makes
him so special?
51
00:02:22,554 --> 00:02:25,124
Kids love him.
He plays games, he juggles,
52
00:02:25,166 --> 00:02:28,036
he can do the happy birthday
song in armpit farts.
53
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:30,601
Ah, well, Calvin's
birthday is coming up.
54
00:02:30,649 --> 00:02:31,959
I'll keep him in mind.
55
00:02:31,998 --> 00:02:33,658
[laughs]
56
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,436
You almost done
with those cupcakes?
57
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,090
Oh, I'm getting there,
but I can't believe
58
00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:39,044
you bought so many.
59
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,652
Well, I don't know
any of the kids' allergies,
60
00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,873
so I got sugar-free,
gluten-free, peanut-free,
61
00:02:42,922 --> 00:02:45,142
vegan, and
vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.
62
00:02:48,189 --> 00:02:50,719
And taste-free, too.
63
00:02:50,756 --> 00:02:52,676
I know, but I don't care.
64
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,155
I want to play
pin the tail on the donkey,
65
00:02:54,195 --> 00:02:56,025
not jab the kid with the EpiPen.
66
00:02:56,066 --> 00:02:57,376
[chuckles]
67
00:02:57,415 --> 00:02:58,585
What up, what up?
68
00:02:58,634 --> 00:02:59,634
Hey.[gasps]
69
00:02:59,678 --> 00:03:00,808
All right, guys.
We got the balloons.
70
00:03:00,853 --> 00:03:01,943
Oh, thank you, guys.
71
00:03:01,985 --> 00:03:04,425
[high-pitched]:
No problem.
72
00:03:04,466 --> 00:03:05,816
Yeah, there was a leaky one.
73
00:03:05,858 --> 00:03:09,338
Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.[chuckles]
74
00:03:09,384 --> 00:03:12,564
Gemma, disaster.
Insane Shane just cancelled.
75
00:03:12,604 --> 00:03:13,734
What?
76
00:03:13,779 --> 00:03:15,259
Yeah, apparently, he sneezed
77
00:03:15,303 --> 00:03:17,653
while he was
juggling bowling balls.
78
00:03:17,696 --> 00:03:20,616
Now he's in the hospital
with three concussions.
79
00:03:22,658 --> 00:03:23,838
Insane Shane cancelled?
80
00:03:23,876 --> 00:03:25,136
But I told everybody
81
00:03:25,182 --> 00:03:27,132
at school he was gonna be here.
82
00:03:27,184 --> 00:03:28,964
That's why they're coming.
83
00:03:29,012 --> 00:03:31,142
No, no, buddy, they...
84
00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:32,758
The kids are coming
to celebrate you.
85
00:03:32,798 --> 00:03:34,148
That's what this is all about,
86
00:03:34,191 --> 00:03:36,751
how awesome and cool you are.
87
00:03:36,802 --> 00:03:39,062
Mm, they said
they were coming for Shane.
88
00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:43,069
Hey, you know what, Grover?
Malcolm and I can play
89
00:03:43,113 --> 00:03:44,283
party games with you guys.
90
00:03:44,332 --> 00:03:45,812
Can you be insane?
91
00:03:45,855 --> 00:03:47,155
Totally insane.
92
00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:49,074
[chuckles]
93
00:03:49,119 --> 00:03:52,559
Mm, I don't know.
94
00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:54,471
[high-pitched]:
We're the only option you have.
95
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:58,344
[shouting, cheering]
96
00:03:58,389 --> 00:04:00,219
Finish him!
Now, go!
97
00:04:00,261 --> 00:04:02,081
Go! Go!
Finish him!
Steady yourself!
98
00:04:02,132 --> 00:04:03,822
Go!
Go![thudding]
99
00:04:03,873 --> 00:04:06,223
Oh!
Oh, yes!
100
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:09,357
And just like that,
Colby trips on a sprinkler.
101
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,580
Oh, b-but he is up again,
and running faster than ever.
102
00:04:12,621 --> 00:04:14,361
In the wrong direction.
103
00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:16,365
But here comes Haley
for Team Malcolm.
104
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:19,977
And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!
105
00:04:20,019 --> 00:04:22,199
In your face!
[laughs]
106
00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:25,379
Dude, what are you doing?
107
00:04:25,416 --> 00:04:26,856
We're just playing party games
with the kids.
108
00:04:26,896 --> 00:04:29,286
Oh, you're just saying that
because I won again.
109
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:30,553
I came out of Mama first,
110
00:04:30,595 --> 00:04:32,245
and I haven't given up
that lead since.
111
00:04:32,293 --> 00:04:35,773
Seriously?
I am an engineer.
112
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:37,688
I have a great job,
and my own apartment.
113
00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:39,563
You are unemployed,
and you live at home
114
00:04:39,604 --> 00:04:42,084
with your mama
and your daddy.
115
00:04:42,128 --> 00:04:44,528
Yes, but who just won
the egg toss?
116
00:04:46,568 --> 00:04:48,008
You have never beaten me
at anything physical,
117
00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:49,397
and you never will.
118
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,050
[scoffs]
Do you think that bothers me?
119
00:04:51,094 --> 00:04:52,224
I think that kills you.
120
00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:54,139
Damn it, you're right. Kids,
121
00:04:54,184 --> 00:04:57,094
help me get Colby
out of those tomato vines.
122
00:04:57,143 --> 00:04:59,053
Hey, everybody.
123
00:04:59,102 --> 00:05:00,622
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
124
00:05:00,669 --> 00:05:03,019
Hey, baby, where you been?
125
00:05:03,062 --> 00:05:05,932
Oh, I was just wrapping the
birthday gift I got for Grover.
126
00:05:05,978 --> 00:05:08,378
Oh, but we already got him
the math puzzle.
127
00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:11,806
Yeah, you know, I scratched
my name off that card.
128
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:12,814
That's all you now.
129
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,560
Oh, don't mind if I do.
130
00:05:17,599 --> 00:05:19,299
Ha, ha.
131
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:20,870
What the hell?
132
00:05:22,995 --> 00:05:24,605
Okay, stop playing.
Where are the real cupcakes?
133
00:05:28,174 --> 00:05:31,084
Yay. Flash cards.
134
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,620
Oh, what a great gift.
135
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:37,010
Now, don't let me
catch you playing with those
136
00:05:37,053 --> 00:05:38,483
after bedtime.[chuckles]
137
00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:39,923
I don't think you're
gonna catch him
138
00:05:39,969 --> 00:05:41,279
playing with those
at any time.
139
00:05:43,451 --> 00:05:45,451
Sweetie, tell Colby
how much you like it.
140
00:05:45,496 --> 00:05:47,416
I thought I wasn't
supposed to lie.
141
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:50,545
Grover.
142
00:05:50,588 --> 00:05:52,068
It's okay, I get it.
143
00:05:54,157 --> 00:05:58,687
Ring toss, three-legged race,
pin the tail on the donkey.
144
00:05:58,727 --> 00:06:00,207
Yo, man, what
are you doing?
145
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:03,260
I'm just recapping my wins.
146
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,476
Okay, okay. Well,
in that case, uh,
147
00:06:05,516 --> 00:06:10,086
bank account, credit
score, uh, life.
148
00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:12,479
Those are all
very good points.
149
00:06:12,523 --> 00:06:14,043
Yes.
[laughs]
150
00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:15,440
Don't none of them
matter right now, do they?
151
00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:16,483
No!
152
00:06:18,224 --> 00:06:21,184
Great, another math puzzle.
153
00:06:21,227 --> 00:06:24,097
Grover, thank Miss Tina.
154
00:06:24,143 --> 00:06:25,923
Thanks, Miss Tina.
155
00:06:25,971 --> 00:06:27,401
[quietly]:
Your mother made me get it.
156
00:06:29,148 --> 00:06:31,328
Well, okay, it looks like
we opened up all the gifts.
157
00:06:31,368 --> 00:06:33,108
Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.
158
00:06:33,152 --> 00:06:34,892
There's one more.Aw.
159
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,857
There you go. My man.
160
00:06:36,895 --> 00:06:39,115
Cool!
161
00:06:39,158 --> 00:06:42,298
A knife.
162
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,815
A knife?[laughs]: Whoa! A knife.
163
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,910
Yeah, a knife. Here,
hold that next to your face
164
00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:47,999
so I can take a picture.
165
00:06:48,037 --> 00:06:49,647
TINA:
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:49,691 --> 00:06:53,121
Yeah.
[laughs] Yeah.
167
00:06:53,172 --> 00:06:56,342
[high-pitched]:
Holler at your boy!
168
00:07:05,228 --> 00:07:07,538
Can I touch it?Yeah.
169
00:07:07,578 --> 00:07:11,588
But you got me the flash cards,
so you're last.
170
00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:14,016
Calvin, what is the matter with
you, getting Grover a knife?
171
00:07:14,063 --> 00:07:15,973
What, were they
all out of nail guns?
172
00:07:17,414 --> 00:07:19,454
Give me some credit, Tina.
173
00:07:19,503 --> 00:07:21,153
The kickback on
one of those things
174
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,290
would knock that
boy off his feet.
175
00:07:24,334 --> 00:07:26,724
Okay, you know what?
Everyone, back away.Yeah. Yeah.
176
00:07:26,771 --> 00:07:28,941
It's my turn to touch it.
177
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,811
Yep. All right, why don't we
put away all the lovely gifts,
178
00:07:31,863 --> 00:07:32,823
and the knife,
179
00:07:32,864 --> 00:07:34,294
and, uh, get back
180
00:07:34,344 --> 00:07:36,384
to the fun games
with Malcolm and Marty?
181
00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:38,393
But everyone wants
to play with it.
182
00:07:38,435 --> 00:07:39,955
I know, that's why
it's going away.
183
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,132
Guys, could you take
all the kids outside?
184
00:07:42,178 --> 00:07:43,398
All right, kids, let's go.All right, let's go.
185
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:44,530
Let's go, let's go.Let's go.
186
00:07:44,572 --> 00:07:47,052
Dave, kitchen, now.
187
00:07:47,096 --> 00:07:48,966
Ooh.
188
00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:53,011
Dave, trouble, in.
189
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,587
Calvin, cupcake, find.
190
00:08:02,633 --> 00:08:04,593
How could Calvin
give our son a knife
191
00:08:04,635 --> 00:08:06,765
without talking to us first?
192
00:08:06,811 --> 00:08:08,811
I know. He probably knew
193
00:08:08,857 --> 00:08:11,207
that I couldn't keep
something that cool a secret.
194
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:15,520
How are you not more upset about
this? He gave our son a weapon.
195
00:08:15,559 --> 00:08:18,439
It's not a weapon,
it's-it's a pocketknife.
196
00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:20,865
It's a handheld
stabbing machine.
197
00:08:20,912 --> 00:08:24,432
Yeah, but if they call it that,
they're not gonna sell any.
198
00:08:24,481 --> 00:08:26,701
Oh...Okay, look,
199
00:08:26,744 --> 00:08:30,224
I know you just want
Grover to be safe.
200
00:08:30,269 --> 00:08:33,489
So do I, but, you know,
it's not that big a deal.
201
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:35,624
When I was his age,
I had a BB gun.
202
00:08:35,666 --> 00:08:37,446
Yeah, and you still have
a BB in your arm
203
00:08:37,494 --> 00:08:39,624
from when your friend
shot you with it.
204
00:08:39,670 --> 00:08:41,460
Actually,
it's not there anymore.
205
00:08:41,498 --> 00:08:43,588
It just, it disappeared
for a year,
206
00:08:43,631 --> 00:08:45,241
and then it resurfaced
in my leg.
207
00:08:47,591 --> 00:08:48,761
We'll talk about this later.
208
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,210
Right now,
this is going in the same drawer
209
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:52,076
as your fedora
and your laser pointer.
210
00:08:52,117 --> 00:08:55,387
What-- you said that
my laser pointer was stolen.
211
00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:59,862
Can I have the
knife back?
212
00:08:59,908 --> 00:09:01,998
The other kids are
ignoring me without it.
213
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,000
Oh, honey,
they're not ignoring you.
214
00:09:04,042 --> 00:09:06,002
Yeah, they probably think
the party is just less fun
215
00:09:06,044 --> 00:09:07,524
now that the knife is gone.
216
00:09:07,568 --> 00:09:09,438
Gemma,
217
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,482
I-I know you think
it's dangerous,
218
00:09:11,528 --> 00:09:14,268
but the knife is
actually pretty cool.
219
00:09:14,313 --> 00:09:17,533
And isn't that exactly what
you wanted for Grover's party?
220
00:09:17,578 --> 00:09:20,058
Well, yeah, but...Okay. Well, then,
221
00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:22,582
how about this: how about
I'll take the knife outside,
222
00:09:22,626 --> 00:09:24,146
and I will show it to the kids?
223
00:09:24,193 --> 00:09:25,493
I will hold it
224
00:09:25,542 --> 00:09:28,542
the whole time, I promise.
225
00:09:28,589 --> 00:09:31,069
In fact, you know what?
I won't even open it.
226
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,633
Please, Mom? It's my birthday.
227
00:09:33,681 --> 00:09:36,111
Fine.
228
00:09:36,161 --> 00:09:39,201
BOTH:
Yeah!
229
00:09:39,251 --> 00:09:40,461
Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?
230
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,683
It's in heaven now.
231
00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:44,563
[straining]
232
00:09:44,605 --> 00:09:46,345
Come on, Team Marty!
233
00:09:46,389 --> 00:09:48,349
This isn't about
fun and games anymore.
234
00:09:48,391 --> 00:09:51,391
Then why are we doing it?
235
00:09:51,437 --> 00:09:53,917
So Marty doesn't cry
himself to sleep tonight.
236
00:09:53,962 --> 00:09:57,092
[laughter]Hey! Hey! I don't
do that anymore.
237
00:09:57,139 --> 00:10:00,279
Stop laughing!
You're on my team.
238
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:01,836
Here come the waterworks.
239
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,665
We got the knife!
240
00:10:05,713 --> 00:10:07,143
[cheering]
241
00:10:07,192 --> 00:10:08,932
BOTH:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
242
00:10:08,977 --> 00:10:11,897
Oh... Uh-huh.
Oh... Whoo!
243
00:10:11,936 --> 00:10:13,416
And then there were two.
244
00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:15,069
Oh, I see you've been
working on your math.
245
00:10:15,113 --> 00:10:16,813
[chuckles]
246
00:10:16,854 --> 00:10:18,984
I see you haven't been
working on your arms.
247
00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:21,650
Okay, so it's like that?
248
00:10:21,685 --> 00:10:24,165
[strains]: Yeah.Yeah, well, I could
do this all day.
249
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:25,779
I don't have to go
to work until Monday.
250
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,480
Oh, yeah? Joke's on you.
I don't have a job.
251
00:10:30,215 --> 00:10:31,735
Now,
252
00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:33,692
I know most of you think
that the blade
253
00:10:33,741 --> 00:10:35,561
is the coolest part
of the knife,
254
00:10:35,612 --> 00:10:38,132
but have you ever
stopped to take a look
255
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,620
at the bolster?
Take a look at that.
256
00:10:40,661 --> 00:10:42,571
Dave?
257
00:10:42,619 --> 00:10:44,629
What the heck
are you doing?
258
00:10:44,665 --> 00:10:46,755
Leave it up to you
to make a knife boring.
259
00:10:46,797 --> 00:10:49,107
Open it up.
260
00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:51,587
I can't. I promised Gemma.
261
00:10:51,628 --> 00:10:53,418
Dave, come on.
[laughs]
262
00:10:53,456 --> 00:10:55,676
These kids are starving
for something fun.
263
00:10:55,719 --> 00:10:57,899
My mom says fun is dangerous.
264
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:02,152
Well, your mom thinks
flash cards are a great gift.
265
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:03,684
[blows raspberry]
266
00:11:03,727 --> 00:11:06,907
Now, who wants to have fun?
267
00:11:06,948 --> 00:11:08,478
[cheering, screaming]
268
00:11:08,514 --> 00:11:09,954
O-Okay, all right.
269
00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:11,904
Okay, fine,
I will open it.
270
00:11:11,953 --> 00:11:14,863
But only so I can teach
you guys proper knife safety.
271
00:11:14,912 --> 00:11:18,822
I'm kind of an expert
since I was an Eagle Scout.
272
00:11:18,873 --> 00:11:19,873
What's that?
273
00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:21,617
What's an Eagle Scout?
274
00:11:21,658 --> 00:11:25,748
[laughs] Well, it's like
one step below a Navy SEAL.
275
00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:26,963
Dave,
276
00:11:27,011 --> 00:11:28,831
you're barely one step
above a real seal.
277
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,670
Okay, okay.
All right.
278
00:11:35,759 --> 00:11:38,159
Now, there are a few things
279
00:11:38,196 --> 00:11:40,676
that you should always do
when handling a knife.
280
00:11:40,721 --> 00:11:42,191
You should always make sure
281
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:44,334
that there is no one
within arm's reach.
282
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:47,376
Okay?
283
00:11:47,423 --> 00:11:49,943
And you should
always make sure
284
00:11:49,991 --> 00:11:53,601
that you are cutting away
from yourself, like so.
285
00:11:55,518 --> 00:11:57,868
CALVIN:
Okay, all right.
286
00:11:57,912 --> 00:12:01,612
Okay, those are a few
of the boring things
287
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,354
you should always do.
288
00:12:03,395 --> 00:12:05,485
Now let me show you a few
289
00:12:05,528 --> 00:12:08,008
cool things
that you should never do.
290
00:12:08,052 --> 00:12:09,702
Okay, okay,
all right.
291
00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:12,060
Kids, kids.All right? With a knife.
292
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,590
All right? Never...
293
00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:16,975
hold a knife like this.
294
00:12:17,018 --> 00:12:19,238
ALL:
Ooh!
295
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,801
Unless
there's a zombie apocalypse,
296
00:12:21,849 --> 00:12:23,809
and you got to do
what you got to do.
297
00:12:23,851 --> 00:12:27,111
Look here. Zombie! Zombie,
zombie, zombie, zombie![kids shouting]
298
00:12:27,158 --> 00:12:29,988
Calvin! Cal-Calvin,
that's enough.
299
00:12:30,031 --> 00:12:31,811
Never go hand to hand.
300
00:12:31,859 --> 00:12:34,129
Don't want to do that.
301
00:12:34,165 --> 00:12:37,215
Unless there are zombies
on both sides.
302
00:12:37,255 --> 00:12:39,085
Left zombie dead!
303
00:12:39,127 --> 00:12:40,647
[kids cheering]Right zombie dead! Yeah!
304
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,133
Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin,
that's good. We...
305
00:12:43,174 --> 00:12:46,224
Lis-Listen, kids, and never,
ever, ever, ever
306
00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:49,004
hold a knife by the blade...
307
00:12:49,050 --> 00:12:52,750
unless... you're gonna throw it
at the king zombie.
308
00:12:55,665 --> 00:12:58,535
ALL:
Oh!
309
00:12:58,581 --> 00:13:00,361
Calvin! That...
310
00:13:02,498 --> 00:13:03,458
...was awesome!
311
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:07,199
[kids cheering]
312
00:13:07,242 --> 00:13:09,592
Gemma, I'm so sorry
about Calvin.
313
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:11,505
He should never have given
Grover that knife
314
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:13,170
without asking you guys first.
315
00:13:13,204 --> 00:13:15,114
Funny, that's exactly
what I was gonna write
316
00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:16,643
on the thank-you card.
317
00:13:16,686 --> 00:13:18,906
[chuckles]
318
00:13:18,949 --> 00:13:21,389
What is it with boys
and dangerous things?
319
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:23,390
You know, scientific studies
have been done
320
00:13:23,432 --> 00:13:25,992
on this very subject,
and they always come back
321
00:13:26,043 --> 00:13:28,823
with the same conclusion:
boys are stupid.
322
00:13:31,179 --> 00:13:34,399
Maybe for Christmas,
I should just get Grover
323
00:13:34,443 --> 00:13:36,663
this box of matches
and a can of lighter fluid.
324
00:13:36,706 --> 00:13:39,186
Oh, please.
He doesn't need those.
325
00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:42,150
Marty used to start fires
with his magnifying glass.
326
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:43,760
Really?
327
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,150
You know that's
our third garage out back?
328
00:13:47,673 --> 00:13:49,633
Look, my point is,
329
00:13:49,675 --> 00:13:51,675
no matter what you do,
boys will always
330
00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:54,241
find a way to make
everything dangerous.
331
00:13:54,289 --> 00:13:56,989
[scoffs] Well, when do they
finally grow out of it?
332
00:13:57,031 --> 00:13:59,981
Well, Calvin bought nunchucks
the other day, so, never.
333
00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:03,214
Great. That means
I'm gonna be worried
334
00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:04,824
for the rest of my life.
335
00:14:04,865 --> 00:14:06,305
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,
336
00:14:06,344 --> 00:14:08,084
they keep it interesting.
337
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:11,479
You know, Malcolm once stuck
a fork in a light socket.
338
00:14:13,221 --> 00:14:14,301
What happened?
339
00:14:14,352 --> 00:14:15,652
We had to get a new fuse box.
340
00:14:17,965 --> 00:14:20,445
Oh, you mean to Malcolm.Yeah.
341
00:14:20,489 --> 00:14:21,619
He was fine
once his eyebrows grew back.
342
00:14:23,361 --> 00:14:25,751
Look, Gemma,
343
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,068
if you want, I'll make
sure that Calvin takes
344
00:14:28,105 --> 00:14:29,715
that knife back right now.
345
00:14:29,759 --> 00:14:31,289
It's okay.
Dave promised
346
00:14:31,326 --> 00:14:32,636
they'd be careful with it.
347
00:14:35,373 --> 00:14:37,673
KIDS: Whoa!
348
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:43,901
And that's how
you play pin-finger.
349
00:14:45,253 --> 00:14:47,083
Which you should never, ever do
350
00:14:47,124 --> 00:14:48,694
unless you're a pirate.
351
00:14:48,734 --> 00:14:49,474
Or me.
352
00:14:49,518 --> 00:14:51,568
Wow.
353
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:54,267
[groans]I know what
you're thinking.
354
00:14:54,305 --> 00:14:55,955
You have no idea
what I'm thinking.
355
00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:59,263
"Use the force, Marty."
356
00:14:59,310 --> 00:15:01,530
Get out of my head, wizard!
357
00:15:01,573 --> 00:15:03,273
Oh, no.
358
00:15:03,314 --> 00:15:04,664
I live in your head.
359
00:15:04,707 --> 00:15:06,187
Oh, why-- did Mom and Dad
360
00:15:06,230 --> 00:15:07,240
finally start charging you rent?
361
00:15:09,059 --> 00:15:10,669
I knew you would say that.
362
00:15:10,713 --> 00:15:13,233
No, you didn't. Stop it!No, you didn't. Stop it!
363
00:15:13,281 --> 00:15:15,021
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!
364
00:15:15,065 --> 00:15:17,675
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!
365
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,860
Do another trick!
366
00:15:19,896 --> 00:15:21,246
All right, I'll show you a
trick. Give me the knife.
367
00:15:21,289 --> 00:15:23,249
Really, seal boy?
368
00:15:23,291 --> 00:15:24,941
What are you gonna do--
balance it on your nose?
369
00:15:26,511 --> 00:15:29,121
Okay, now, don't tell your mom,
370
00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:30,386
but this is a little trick
371
00:15:30,428 --> 00:15:32,258
I used to wow 'em with
back in scout camp.
372
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:36,960
KIDS:
Whoa!
373
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,050
[laughs]
374
00:15:39,089 --> 00:15:41,049
It might be good
for scout camp,
375
00:15:41,091 --> 00:15:43,871
but what are you gonna do in
real life when zombies attack?
376
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,490
Hmm?All right.
377
00:15:46,531 --> 00:15:47,481
Want to see me throw it higher?
378
00:15:47,532 --> 00:15:48,482
KIDS:
Yeah!
379
00:15:52,015 --> 00:15:54,845
KIDS:
Whoa!
380
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,847
Your dad's cool, Grover.
381
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,109
Oh, you think
that was cool?
382
00:15:58,152 --> 00:15:59,672
You better put
on your parka,
383
00:15:59,718 --> 00:16:02,198
because it's about to
get downright freezing.
384
00:16:02,243 --> 00:16:04,153
All right.
385
00:16:04,201 --> 00:16:06,281
Give me some room.
386
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:07,984
Ready?
387
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,331
♪ Happy birth...
388
00:16:10,381 --> 00:16:12,991
ALL:
Oh!
389
00:16:13,036 --> 00:16:15,216
Right through the shoe. Ooh.
390
00:16:15,256 --> 00:16:17,436
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
391
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:19,045
Gemma, get
the car keys!Okay, okay.
392
00:16:19,086 --> 00:16:20,866
Okay.Get the car keys now.
393
00:16:21,958 --> 00:16:24,828
Uh, uh, guys, I...
394
00:16:24,874 --> 00:16:27,574
hope that is a valuable lesson
to all of you
395
00:16:27,616 --> 00:16:29,706
that you won't
tell your parents.
396
00:16:37,582 --> 00:16:39,802
So...
397
00:16:39,845 --> 00:16:41,105
fun party.
398
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,156
Yeah, it was great.
399
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,550
There was blood,
there was a knife.
400
00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:49,282
The only thing missing
was the crime scene tape.
401
00:16:51,248 --> 00:16:52,598
Okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
402
00:16:52,641 --> 00:16:54,591
You're mad.
403
00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:56,943
I never should have
given him the knife.
404
00:16:56,993 --> 00:17:00,163
You think?
He's only seven years old.
405
00:17:00,214 --> 00:17:02,084
Oh, I was talking
about Dave.
406
00:17:04,348 --> 00:17:06,438
Yeah...
I specifically asked
407
00:17:06,481 --> 00:17:09,091
that nobody get Grover a weapon,
and you got him one anyway.
408
00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:11,656
And a math puzzle.
409
00:17:11,703 --> 00:17:13,613
No matter what the card says,
that was from both of us.
410
00:17:15,011 --> 00:17:16,531
[clears throat]
411
00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,668
Look, Gemma.
412
00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:21,240
Look, I didn't mean
to disrespect you
413
00:17:21,278 --> 00:17:23,848
or anything like that.
I just remember
414
00:17:23,889 --> 00:17:26,459
when my grandfather
gave me my first knife.
415
00:17:26,501 --> 00:17:29,321
It made me...
416
00:17:29,373 --> 00:17:32,113
feel like a man, even though
I was a kid. And so
417
00:17:32,159 --> 00:17:34,859
I wanted Grover
to have that same feeling too.
418
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,430
But he's not a man.
419
00:17:36,467 --> 00:17:38,257
He's a little boy.
420
00:17:39,731 --> 00:17:41,421
Look, I'm not naive.
421
00:17:41,472 --> 00:17:44,172
I know I can't keep him
in a bubble forever.
422
00:17:44,214 --> 00:17:46,564
But he's my baby,
and I want to protect him
423
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,348
for as long as I can.
424
00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:51,392
You know what?
You're right.
425
00:17:51,439 --> 00:17:53,659
I guess I just
never looked at it like that.
426
00:17:53,702 --> 00:17:55,052
I'm sorry.
427
00:17:57,358 --> 00:18:00,318
It's okay.
428
00:18:00,361 --> 00:18:02,491
Your heart was
in the right place.
429
00:18:02,537 --> 00:18:04,367
Yeah.
430
00:18:04,408 --> 00:18:06,108
Besides, I have to admit,
431
00:18:06,149 --> 00:18:08,369
the knife was a huge hit.Hmm.
432
00:18:08,412 --> 00:18:10,672
Probably even bigger
than Insane Shane would've been.
433
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:13,940
He's one floor up,
by the way.
434
00:18:16,507 --> 00:18:19,727
You know, Grover did
seem like he had fun.
435
00:18:19,771 --> 00:18:21,681
I know.
436
00:18:21,730 --> 00:18:23,690
I was so worried
about him making friends,
437
00:18:23,732 --> 00:18:25,552
but now all the kids
think he's cool.
438
00:18:25,603 --> 00:18:27,213
Well, of course.
439
00:18:27,257 --> 00:18:30,567
They saw a dude get stabbed
at his birthday party.
440
00:18:30,608 --> 00:18:33,348
Come Monday, he's
gonna be the man.
441
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:36,302
Oh.Oh.
442
00:18:36,353 --> 00:18:38,183
There you are.
Are you okay?
443
00:18:38,225 --> 00:18:39,925
Well...
444
00:18:39,965 --> 00:18:41,745
they couldn't save the sock.
445
00:18:44,318 --> 00:18:46,278
But other than that,
I'm fine. Ooh, and look.
446
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,630
They took out my BB.[clinking]
447
00:18:50,759 --> 00:18:53,809
I don't know whether to kiss you
or step on your foot.
448
00:18:53,849 --> 00:18:55,769
I know which one
would be more fun to watch.
449
00:18:55,807 --> 00:18:58,507
[chuckles]
450
00:18:58,549 --> 00:19:00,159
I'm sorry
we played with the knife.
451
00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:03,113
Yeah. Yeah, it was
a little childish.
452
00:19:03,163 --> 00:19:05,293
But the kids were egging us on.
453
00:19:05,339 --> 00:19:07,869
Yeah, and I totally
would have caught it
454
00:19:07,906 --> 00:19:09,606
if I wasn't distracted
by the cake.
455
00:19:09,647 --> 00:19:10,997
Throwing it
that high?
456
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,960
Yeah, right.
457
00:19:12,998 --> 00:19:14,438
I'm sorry,
you-you don't think so?
458
00:19:14,478 --> 00:19:16,658
'Cause there's a scalpel
back in the room.
459
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,398
Hey, you're talking.
I don't see you moving, though.Well, let's go, then.
460
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,710
I don't care.Really, I mean, you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.
461
00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:21,965
Guys.I mean, you saw I was...
462
00:19:22,007 --> 00:19:26,227
Sorry. You're right.Yeah, my bad. Bad...
463
00:19:29,885 --> 00:19:31,495
Meet me in the back yard
tomorrow.
464
00:19:31,539 --> 00:19:33,459
I'll show you.
465
00:19:42,941 --> 00:19:46,111
Did you ask my parents if it's
okay to do this to our tree?
466
00:19:46,162 --> 00:19:48,252
No.
467
00:19:48,295 --> 00:19:51,255
That's why I'm carving
your name into it and not mine.
468
00:19:53,648 --> 00:19:56,128
So, how did your friends
like the party?
469
00:19:56,172 --> 00:19:57,822
Yeah, they loved it.
470
00:19:57,869 --> 00:19:59,749
I even got a bunch
of play date invites.
471
00:19:59,784 --> 00:20:01,354
Well, all right.
472
00:20:01,395 --> 00:20:03,575
You know what?
473
00:20:03,614 --> 00:20:07,614
I'm gonna hold onto this for you
until your mom says it's okay.
474
00:20:07,662 --> 00:20:09,792
But the knife
is what made me cool.
475
00:20:09,838 --> 00:20:10,888
Oh... [chuckles]
476
00:20:10,926 --> 00:20:13,146
trust me, Grover, you were cool
477
00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:15,409
way before this knife.
478
00:20:15,452 --> 00:20:17,192
You think?
479
00:20:17,237 --> 00:20:20,367
Definitely.
And that's coming from me,
480
00:20:20,414 --> 00:20:23,674
the coolest guy you know.
481
00:20:23,721 --> 00:20:25,631
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.
482
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,640
Good night, little man.Good night.
483
00:20:27,682 --> 00:20:29,112
All right.
484
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,511
[imitates explosion,
chuckles]
485
00:20:33,209 --> 00:20:35,559
All right, fellas,
finish up, now.
486
00:20:35,603 --> 00:20:37,033
Come on, your
mom made dinner.
487
00:20:37,082 --> 00:20:39,952
Oh, help me, Jesus.
488
00:20:39,998 --> 00:20:42,568
Face it, Marty--
you will never beat me.
489
00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:44,790
I can feel it.
Tonight is the night!
490
00:20:44,829 --> 00:20:46,139
Oh, no.
491
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,448
You're fooling yourself.
492
00:20:47,484 --> 00:20:48,744
I'll always be bigger.[groans]
493
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,400
I'll always be stronger,
I'll always be...
494
00:20:50,444 --> 00:20:52,664
Aah![thud]
495
00:20:55,492 --> 00:20:57,362
And I'll always be smarter.
496
00:20:57,407 --> 00:20:59,327
[laughs]
497
00:21:04,588 --> 00:21:07,638
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
498
00:21:07,678 --> 00:21:10,338
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org