1
00:00:02,785 --> 00:00:05,135
Come on, Tina,
we got to get to this theater.

2
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,311
Look, matinee hours
end in 30 minutes,

3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,921
and I'm not paying
full price

4
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:12,490
to see The Rock
beat up a hurricane.

5
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,840
Baby, we're only late
because you made us stop

6
00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:16,842
and try every free sample
in the store.

7
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:19,584
How many weenies on a toothpick
can one man eat?

8
00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:22,892
Well, at least we don't have to
stand in line for popcorn.

9
00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:25,634
I saved us time and money.

10
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:29,333
Look, we'll just find a birthday
present for Grover and go.

11
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:31,509
[laughs]:
Oh!

12
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:33,163
How about these nunchucks?

13
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,904
[shouting]

14
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,083
Oh, you know he's gonna
hit Dave with these.

15
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,956
Put them back,
Bruce Leroy.

16
00:00:45,871 --> 00:00:48,091
Gemma doesn't want us
to get him any violent toys.

17
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:52,182
Fine. Well,
I'm-a get them for me.

18
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:53,792
Oh, what about this?

19
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:55,794
No. Gemma asked us

20
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:59,363
to shy away from any toys
that reinforce specific genders.

21
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:03,324
Well, God forbid Grover
finds out he's a boy.

22
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:06,718
How about we just cruise
over to the food section

23
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:09,286
and get him a can of soup?[chuckles]

24
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:12,550
Gemma suggested that we get him
something educational.

25
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:14,596
Well, we can get him
some alphabet soup.

26
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:17,686
Ooh, this is nice.

27
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:18,861
A math puzzle.

28
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,645
Seriously?

29
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,692
What did that boy
ever do to you?

30
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,651
You know what? I-I really can't
believe how these parents coddle

31
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,523
their kids nowadays.Mm.

32
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,874
We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty
of violent, gendered toys

33
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,702
and they turned out fine.

34
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,486
[laughter, shouting]

35
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,184
Come on, you're dead, man!
I knocked your head off.

36
00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:38,576
No, you missed.
You hit that old lady!

37
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,056
[both grunting]

38
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:45,583
You know what? I'm gonna
let you deal with this.

39
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,411
I'm gonna go back and get
some more toothpick weenies.

40
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:50,980
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

41
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:51,981
♪ Welcome to the hood.

42
00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,511
Okay, the backyard
is looking good,

43
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,644
and the entertainment should
be here in half an hour.

44
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,429
Oh, there's entertainment?Oh, yeah.

45
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:09,825
We got the one and only
Insane Shane the Party Ma-chane.

46
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,350
You got Insane Shane?

47
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:14,917
You've heard of him?No.

48
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,441
[chuckles]

49
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:20,488
He's the premier host of kids'
birthday parties in Pasadena.

50
00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:22,490
Well, what makes
him so special?

51
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,101
Kids love him.
He plays games, he juggles,

52
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,017
he can do the happy birthday
song in armpit farts.

53
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,585
Ah, well, Calvin's
birthday is coming up.

54
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:31,934
I'll keep him in mind.

55
00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:33,631
[laughs]

56
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,416
You almost done
with those cupcakes?

57
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,069
Oh, I'm getting there,
but I can't believe

58
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,028
you bought so many.

59
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,638
Well, I don't know
any of the kids' allergies,

60
00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,858
so I got sugar-free,
gluten-free, peanut-free,

61
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,121
vegan, and
vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.

62
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,692
And taste-free, too.

63
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,650
I know, but I don't care.

64
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,130
I want to play
pin the tail on the donkey,

65
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,001
not jab the kid with the EpiPen.

66
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:57,351
[chuckles]

67
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,569
What up, what up?

68
00:02:58,613 --> 00:02:59,614
Hey.[gasps]

69
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:00,789
All right, guys.
We got the balloons.

70
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:01,920
Oh, thank you, guys.

71
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,401
[high-pitched]:
No problem.

72
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:05,794
Yeah, there was a leaky one.

73
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:09,319
Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.[chuckles]

74
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:12,540
Gemma, disaster.
Insane Shane just cancelled.

75
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:13,715
What?

76
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,238
Yeah, apparently, he sneezed

77
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,632
while he was
juggling bowling balls.

78
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:20,591
Now he's in the hospital
with three concussions.

79
00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,812
Insane Shane cancelled?

80
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:25,117
But I told everybody

81
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,119
at school he was gonna be here.

82
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,947
That's why they're coming.

83
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:31,123
No, no, buddy, they...

84
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,734
The kids are coming
to celebrate you.

85
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,126
That's what this is all about,

86
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,738
how awesome and cool you are.

87
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:39,044
Mm, they said
they were coming for Shane.

88
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,048
Hey, you know what, Grover?
Malcolm and I can play

89
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,267
party games with you guys.

90
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,790
Can you be insane?

91
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,139
Totally insane.

92
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,054
[chuckles]

93
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:52,536
Mm, I don't know.

94
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,451
[high-pitched]:
We're the only option you have.

95
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:58,325
[shouting, cheering]

96
00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:00,196
Finish him!
Now, go!

97
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,067
Go! Go!
Finish him!
Steady yourself!

98
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:03,808
Go!
Go![thudding]

99
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:06,202
Oh!
Oh, yes!

100
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,336
And just like that,
Colby trips on a sprinkler.

101
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,556
Oh, b-but he is up again,
and running faster than ever.

102
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,341
In the wrong direction.

103
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:16,343
But here comes Haley
for Team Malcolm.

104
00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:19,955
And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!

105
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:22,174
In your face!
[laughs]

106
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:25,352
Dude, what are you doing?

107
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:26,831
We're just playing party games
with the kids.

108
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:29,269
Oh, you're just saying that
because I won again.

109
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,531
I came out of Mama first,

110
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,228
and I haven't given up
that lead since.

111
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,753
Seriously?
I am an engineer.

112
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,668
I have a great job,
and my own apartment.

113
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:39,540
You are unemployed,
and you live at home

114
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:42,064
with your mama
and your daddy.

115
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,501
Yes, but who just won
the egg toss?

116
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:47,983
You have never beaten me
at anything physical,

117
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,376
and you never will.

118
00:04:49,419 --> 00:04:51,029
[scoffs]
Do you think that bothers me?

119
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,204
I think that kills you.

120
00:04:52,248 --> 00:04:54,119
Damn it, you're right. Kids,

121
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:57,079
help me get Colby
out of those tomato vines.

122
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,037
Hey, everybody.

123
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,604
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Calvin.

124
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,998
Hey, baby, where you been?

125
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,914
Oh, I was just wrapping the
birthday gift I got for Grover.

126
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,351
Oh, but we already got him
the math puzzle.

127
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:11,789
Yeah, you know, I scratched
my name off that card.

128
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:12,790
That's all you now.

129
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:17,534
Oh, don't mind if I do.

130
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,275
Ha, ha.

131
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,842
What the hell?

132
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,585
Okay, stop playing.
Where are the real cupcakes?

133
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:31,069
Yay. Flash cards.

134
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:35,596
Oh, what a great gift.

135
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,988
Now, don't let me
catch you playing with those

136
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,468
after bedtime.[chuckles]

137
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:39,904
I don't think you're
gonna catch him

138
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:41,253
playing with those
at any time.

139
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,432
Sweetie, tell Colby
how much you like it.

140
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:47,390
I thought I wasn't
supposed to lie.

141
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,524
Grover.

142
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,047
It's okay, I get it.

143
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:58,662
Ring toss, three-legged race,
pin the tail on the donkey.

144
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,185
Yo, man, what
are you doing?

145
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:03,232
I'm just recapping my wins.

146
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,452
Okay, okay. Well,
in that case, uh,

147
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:10,065
bank account, credit
score, uh, life.

148
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,459
Those are all
very good points.

149
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,025
Yes.
[laughs]

150
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,418
Don't none of them
matter right now, do they?

151
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,463
No!

152
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:21,163
Great, another math puzzle.

153
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:24,079
Grover, thank Miss Tina.

154
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,907
Thanks, Miss Tina.

155
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,387
[quietly]:
Your mother made me get it.

156
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,303
Well, okay, it looks like
we opened up all the gifts.

157
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,088
Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.

158
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,872
There's one more.Aw.

159
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,831
There you go. My man.

160
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,094
Cool!

161
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:42,271
A knife.

162
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,795
A knife?[laughs]: Whoa! A knife.

163
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,884
Yeah, a knife. Here,
hold that next to your face

164
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:47,972
so I can take a picture.

165
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,626
TINA:
Oh, my God.

166
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:53,108
Yeah.
[laughs] Yeah.

167
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:56,328
[high-pitched]:
Holler at your boy!

168
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,514
Can I touch it?Yeah.

169
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:11,561
But you got me the flash cards,
so you're last.

170
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,998
Calvin, what is the matter with
you, getting Grover a knife?

171
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:15,957
What, were they
all out of nail guns?

172
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,439
Give me some credit, Tina.

173
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,136
The kickback on
one of those things

174
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:24,269
would knock that
boy off his feet.

175
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:26,707
Okay, you know what?
Everyone, back away.Yeah. Yeah.

176
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,926
It's my turn to touch it.

177
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:31,799
Yep. All right, why don't we
put away all the lovely gifts,

178
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:32,800
and the knife,

179
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,279
and, uh, get back

180
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,368
to the fun games
with Malcolm and Marty?

181
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,370
But everyone wants
to play with it.

182
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,937
I know, that's why
it's going away.

183
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:42,113
Guys, could you take
all the kids outside?

184
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:43,375
All right, kids, let's go.All right, let's go.

185
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,507
Let's go, let's go.Let's go.

186
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,031
Dave, kitchen, now.

187
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,946
Ooh.

188
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:52,994
Dave, trouble, in.

189
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,563
Calvin, cupcake, find.

190
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,571
How could Calvin
give our son a knife

191
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,747
without talking to us first?

192
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,792
I know. He probably knew

193
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,186
that I couldn't keep
something that cool a secret.

194
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:15,495
How are you not more upset about
this? He gave our son a weapon.

195
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,410
It's not a weapon,
it's-it's a pocketknife.

196
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,848
It's a handheld
stabbing machine.

197
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:24,416
Yeah, but if they call it that,
they're not gonna sell any.

198
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,680
Oh...Okay, look,

199
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:30,205
I know you just want
Grover to be safe.

200
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:33,469
So do I, but, you know,
it's not that big a deal.

201
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,602
When I was his age,
I had a BB gun.

202
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,429
Yeah, and you still have
a BB in your arm

203
00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:39,606
from when your friend
shot you with it.

204
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,433
Actually,
it's not there anymore.

205
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,566
It just, it disappeared
for a year,

206
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,220
and then it resurfaced
in my leg.

207
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:48,745
We'll talk about this later.

208
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,181
Right now,
this is going in the same drawer

209
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,053
as your fedora
and your laser pointer.

210
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,360
What-- you said that
my laser pointer was stolen.

211
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:59,843
Can I have the
knife back?

212
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,976
The other kids are
ignoring me without it.

213
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,978
Oh, honey,
they're not ignoring you.

214
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:05,980
Yeah, they probably think
the party is just less fun

215
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,503
now that the knife is gone.

216
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,418
Gemma,

217
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:11,463
I-I know you think
it's dangerous,

218
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:14,249
but the knife is
actually pretty cool.

219
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:17,513
And isn't that exactly what
you wanted for Grover's party?

220
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,037
Well, yeah, but...Okay. Well, then,

221
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,562
how about this: how about
I'll take the knife outside,

222
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,128
and I will show it to the kids?

223
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,477
I will hold it

224
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:28,524
the whole time, I promise.

225
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,048
In fact, you know what?
I won't even open it.

226
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:33,616
Please, Mom? It's my birthday.

227
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,097
Fine.

228
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:39,187
BOTH:
Yeah!

229
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,449
Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?

230
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,669
It's in heaven now.

231
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,540
[straining]

232
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,324
Come on, Team Marty!

233
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,326
This isn't about
fun and games anymore.

234
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:51,373
Then why are we doing it?

235
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,897
So Marty doesn't cry
himself to sleep tonight.

236
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:57,074
[laughter]Hey! Hey! I don't
do that anymore.

237
00:09:57,118 --> 00:10:00,251
Stop laughing!
You're on my team.

238
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:01,818
Here come the waterworks.

239
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,648
We got the knife!

240
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,128
[cheering]

241
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:08,912
BOTH:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

242
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,872
Oh... Uh-huh.
Oh... Whoo!

243
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,395
And then there were two.

244
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,049
Oh, I see you've been
working on your math.

245
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:16,790
[chuckles]

246
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,966
I see you haven't been
working on your arms.

247
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:21,621
Okay, so it's like that?

248
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:24,145
[strains]: Yeah.Yeah, well, I could
do this all day.

249
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:25,755
I don't have to go
to work until Monday.

250
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,453
Oh, yeah? Joke's on you.
I don't have a job.

251
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,718
Now,

252
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,676
I know most of you think
that the blade

253
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,547
is the coolest part
of the knife,

254
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:38,115
but have you ever
stopped to take a look

255
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,596
at the bolster?
Take a look at that.

256
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,554
Dave?

257
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,600
What the heck
are you doing?

258
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,733
Leave it up to you
to make a knife boring.

259
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,083
Open it up.

260
00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:51,563
I can't. I promised Gemma.

261
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:53,391
Dave, come on.
[laughs]

262
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,655
These kids are starving
for something fun.

263
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:57,874
My mom says fun is dangerous.

264
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,139
Well, your mom thinks
flash cards are a great gift.

265
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:03,663
[blows raspberry]

266
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:06,883
Now, who wants to have fun?

267
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,450
[cheering, screaming]

268
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,930
O-Okay, all right.

269
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,888
Okay, fine,
I will open it.

270
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:14,848
But only so I can teach
you guys proper knife safety.

271
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:18,808
I'm kind of an expert
since I was an Eagle Scout.

272
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:19,853
What's that?

273
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,593
What's an Eagle Scout?

274
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:25,728
[laughs] Well, it's like
one step below a Navy SEAL.

275
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:26,947
Dave,

276
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,818
you're barely one step
above a real seal.

277
00:11:31,299 --> 00:11:33,649
Okay, okay.
All right.

278
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:38,132
Now, there are a few things

279
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:40,656
that you should always do
when handling a knife.

280
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,179
You should always make sure

281
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:44,312
that there is no one
within arm's reach.

282
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,358
Okay?

283
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:49,926
And you should
always make sure

284
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:53,582
that you are cutting away
from yourself, like so.

285
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,847
CALVIN:
Okay, all right.

286
00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:01,590
Okay, those are a few
of the boring things

287
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,331
you should always do.

288
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,463
Now let me show you a few

289
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,988
cool things
that you should never do.

290
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,685
Okay, okay,
all right.

291
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,035
Kids, kids.All right? With a knife.

292
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:15,560
All right? Never...

293
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:16,953
hold a knife like this.

294
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,216
ALL:
Ooh!

295
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,784
Unless
there's a zombie apocalypse,

296
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,786
and you got to do
what you got to do.

297
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:27,094
Look here. Zombie! Zombie,
zombie, zombie, zombie![kids shouting]

298
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,966
Calvin! Cal-Calvin,
that's enough.

299
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,794
Never go hand to hand.

300
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,101
Don't want to do that.

301
00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:37,191
Unless there are zombies
on both sides.

302
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,062
Left zombie dead!

303
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,629
[kids cheering]Right zombie dead! Yeah!

304
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:43,110
Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin,
that's good. We...

305
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:46,200
Lis-Listen, kids, and never,
ever, ever, ever

306
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:48,985
hold a knife by the blade...

307
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:52,728
unless... you're gonna throw it
at the king zombie.

308
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:58,516
ALL:
Oh!

309
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,344
Calvin! That...

310
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,434
...was awesome!

311
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:07,177
[kids cheering]

312
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:09,571
Gemma, I'm so sorry
about Calvin.

313
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,486
He should never have given
Grover that knife

314
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,140
without asking you guys first.

315
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,098
Funny, that's exactly
what I was gonna write

316
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:16,621
on the thank-you card.

317
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,885
[chuckles]

318
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:21,365
What is it with boys
and dangerous things?

319
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,367
You know, scientific studies
have been done

320
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,979
on this very subject,
and they always come back

321
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:28,808
with the same conclusion:
boys are stupid.

322
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:34,378
Maybe for Christmas,
I should just get Grover

323
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,641
this box of matches
and a can of lighter fluid.

324
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,166
Oh, please.
He doesn't need those.

325
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:42,125
Marty used to start fires
with his magnifying glass.

326
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,735
Really?

327
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:46,129
You know that's
our third garage out back?

328
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,611
Look, my point is,

329
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,656
no matter what you do,
boys will always

330
00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:54,224
find a way to make
everything dangerous.

331
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,966
[scoffs] Well, when do they
finally grow out of it?

332
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:59,969
Well, Calvin bought nunchucks
the other day, so, never.

333
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:03,190
Great. That means
I'm gonna be worried

334
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,800
for the rest of my life.

335
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,280
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

336
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,064
they keep it interesting.

337
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:11,459
You know, Malcolm once stuck
a fork in a light socket.

338
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,288
What happened?

339
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,637
We had to get a new fuse box.

340
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,424
Oh, you mean to Malcolm.Yeah.

341
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,599
He was fine
once his eyebrows grew back.

342
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,734
Look, Gemma,

343
00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:28,041
if you want, I'll make
sure that Calvin takes

344
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,694
that knife back right now.

345
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,261
It's okay.
Dave promised

346
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:32,610
they'd be careful with it.

347
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,659
KIDS: Whoa!

348
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,883
And that's how
you play pin-finger.

349
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:47,060
Which you should never, ever do

350
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,670
unless you're a pirate.

351
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:49,453
Or me.

352
00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:51,542
Wow.

353
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:54,241
[groans]I know what
you're thinking.

354
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,938
You have no idea
what I'm thinking.

355
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:59,246
"Use the force, Marty."

356
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,509
Get out of my head, wizard!

357
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,250
Oh, no.

358
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:04,642
I live in your head.

359
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:06,166
Oh, why-- did Mom and Dad

360
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,210
finally start charging you rent?

361
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,648
I knew you would say that.

362
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:13,216
No, you didn't. Stop it!No, you didn't. Stop it!

363
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,001
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!

364
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:17,655
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!

365
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,831
Do another trick!

366
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,224
All right, I'll show you a
trick. Give me the knife.

367
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,226
Really, seal boy?

368
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,924
What are you gonna do--
balance it on your nose?

369
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:29,102
Okay, now, don't tell your mom,

370
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:30,364
but this is a little trick

371
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,235
I used to wow 'em with
back in scout camp.

372
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,936
KIDS:
Whoa!

373
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,025
[laughs]

374
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,027
It might be good
for scout camp,

375
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,855
but what are you gonna do in
real life when zombies attack?

376
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,467
Hmm?All right.

377
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:47,468
Want to see me throw it higher?

378
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:48,469
KIDS:
Yeah!

379
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,823
KIDS:
Whoa!

380
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,825
Your dad's cool, Grover.

381
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,087
Oh, you think
that was cool?

382
00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,654
You better put
on your parka,

383
00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:02,178
because it's about to
get downright freezing.

384
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,137
All right.

385
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,269
Give me some room.

386
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,967
Ready?

387
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,317
♪ Happy birth...

388
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,972
ALL:
Oh!

389
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,191
Right through the shoe. Ooh.

390
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,411
Oh, my God,
are you okay?

391
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:19,021
Gemma, get
the car keys!Okay, okay.

392
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,849
Okay.Get the car keys now.

393
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,809
Uh, uh, guys, I...

394
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:27,551
hope that is a valuable lesson
to all of you

395
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:29,684
that you won't
tell your parents.

396
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:39,781
So...

397
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,087
fun party.

398
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,135
Yeah, it was great.

399
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:47,528
There was blood,
there was a knife.

400
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:49,269
The only thing missing
was the crime scene tape.

401
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:52,576
Okay, okay.
Look, I get it.

402
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,578
You're mad.

403
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:56,928
I never should have
given him the knife.

404
00:16:56,972 --> 00:17:00,149
You think?
He's only seven years old.

405
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,064
Oh, I was talking
about Dave.

406
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,416
Yeah...
I specifically asked

407
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:09,071
that nobody get Grover a weapon,
and you got him one anyway.

408
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,639
And a math puzzle.

409
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,597
No matter what the card says,
that was from both of us.

410
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:16,513
[clears throat]

411
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,646
Look, Gemma.

412
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,214
Look, I didn't mean
to disrespect you

413
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,825
or anything like that.
I just remember

414
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,436
when my grandfather
gave me my first knife.

415
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,309
It made me...

416
00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:32,094
feel like a man, even though
I was a kid. And so

417
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,836
I wanted Grover
to have that same feeling too.

418
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,403
But he's not a man.

419
00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:38,231
He's a little boy.

420
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,408
Look, I'm not naive.

421
00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:44,150
I know I can't keep him
in a bubble forever.

422
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:46,543
But he's my baby,
and I want to protect him

423
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:48,328
for as long as I can.

424
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,374
You know what?
You're right.

425
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,637
I guess I just
never looked at it like that.

426
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,030
I'm sorry.

427
00:17:57,337 --> 00:18:00,296
It's okay.

428
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,472
Your heart was
in the right place.

429
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,344
Yeah.

430
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,085
Besides, I have to admit,

431
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,348
the knife was a huge hit.Hmm.

432
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,654
Probably even bigger
than Insane Shane would've been.

433
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:13,918
He's one floor up,
by the way.

434
00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:19,707
You know, Grover did
seem like he had fun.

435
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,665
I know.

436
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,667
I was so worried
about him making friends,

437
00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,539
but now all the kids
think he's cool.

438
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,193
Well, of course.

439
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:30,544
They saw a dude get stabbed
at his birthday party.

440
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:33,329
Come Monday, he's
gonna be the man.

441
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:36,289
Oh.Oh.

442
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,160
There you are.
Are you okay?

443
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,901
Well...

444
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,729
they couldn't save the sock.

445
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:46,255
But other than that,
I'm fine. Ooh, and look.

446
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,605
They took out my BB.[clinking]

447
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:53,784
I don't know whether to kiss you
or step on your foot.

448
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,743
I know which one
would be more fun to watch.

449
00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:58,485
[chuckles]

450
00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,139
I'm sorry
we played with the knife.

451
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:03,098
Yeah. Yeah, it was
a little childish.

452
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,274
But the kids were egging us on.

453
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:07,842
Yeah, and I totally
would have caught it

454
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,583
if I wasn't distracted
by the cake.

455
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:10,975
Throwing it
that high?

456
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,934
Yeah, right.

457
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,414
I'm sorry,
you-you don't think so?

458
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,633
'Cause there's a scalpel
back in the room.

459
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:19,375
Hey, you're talking.
I don't see you moving, though.Well, let's go, then.

460
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,681
I don't care.Really, I mean, you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.

461
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:21,943
Guys.I mean, you saw I was...

462
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:26,208
Sorry. You're right.Yeah, my bad. Bad...

463
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,474
Meet me in the back yard
tomorrow.

464
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,433
I'll show you.

465
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,097
Did you ask my parents if it's
okay to do this to our tree?

466
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,230
No.

467
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:51,233
That's why I'm carving
your name into it and not mine.

468
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,107
So, how did your friends
like the party?

469
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:57,805
Yeah, they loved it.

470
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,720
I even got a bunch
of play date invites.

471
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:01,330
Well, all right.

472
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,550
You know what?

473
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:07,597
I'm gonna hold onto this for you
until your mom says it's okay.

474
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,773
But the knife
is what made me cool.

475
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:10,861
Oh... [chuckles]

476
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:13,124
trust me, Grover, you were cool

477
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,388
way before this knife.

478
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,172
You think?

479
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,349
Definitely.
And that's coming from me,

480
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:23,657
the coolest guy you know.

481
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,615
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.

482
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,617
Good night, little man.Good night.

483
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,097
All right.

484
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:30,490
[imitates explosion,
chuckles]

485
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,538
All right, fellas,
finish up, now.

486
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,018
Come on, your
mom made dinner.

487
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,934
Oh, help me, Jesus.

488
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,545
Face it, Marty--
you will never beat me.

489
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,765
I can feel it.
Tonight is the night!

490
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,114
Oh, no.

491
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:47,420
You're fooling yourself.

492
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:48,725
I'll always be bigger.[groans]

493
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:50,379
I'll always be stronger,
I'll always be...

494
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,642
Aah![thud]

495
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,343
And I'll always be smarter.

496
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:59,301
[laughs]

497
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:07,614
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

498
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,312
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org