1
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,449
[buzzer]MAN [over TV]:
Wrong.

2
00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:18,018
Really, girl? You guessing
six dollars for Rice-A-Roni?

3
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:19,715
I knew it from your nails,

4
00:00:19,758 --> 00:00:21,978
you never been
in a grocery store.

5
00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:26,939
Hey, Tina,
have you seen Malcolm?

6
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,029
I just finished watching
that show Zombie Wars,

7
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:32,032
and I want to spoil
the ending for him.

8
00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:34,077
Um, yeah, he went shopping.

9
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,948
Oh, good. You know what?
I'll text him

10
00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:38,212
to pick up some Kleenex,
because his favorite character

11
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,519
is about to become
an all-you-can-eat buffet.

12
00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:46,046
Well, it's not exactly
that kind of shopping.

13
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:49,701
He went to the used car lot
to get himself a car.

14
00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:52,617
Without me?
But I'm the car expert.

15
00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:54,445
If I'm not there to support him,

16
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,709
who gonna tell him
he picked out something stupid?

17
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,190
I know it hurts, babe.

18
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,192
Telling people
they're stupid

19
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,151
is one of your favorite things.

20
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,458
But Malcolm is a grown man.

21
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,373
We've got to let him
make his own choices.

22
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:12,289
I don't know, babe.
It sounds stupid.

23
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,379
Calvin, come on. This
is important to him.

24
00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:16,685
He's been working hard.

25
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:19,688
He saved up enough money
to do this on his own.

26
00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,298
We need to be
supportive of him,

27
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,387
no matter what car
he comes home with.

28
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:24,823
Fine.

29
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:28,218
But those used car dealers
are gonna eat him alive.

30
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,785
Just like those zombies did
to that family

31
00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,613
that was hiding under the canoe!

32
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,268
[horn honking
"Shave and a Haircut"]

33
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,573
Ooh, that's him!

34
00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:37,009
Let's go see what he got.

35
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:38,576
I don't know.
From the sounds of that horn,

36
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:41,971
I'm guessing it's this big
and full of clowns.

37
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:46,889
[chuckles]:
Hey, check it out, guys.

38
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:47,977
What do you think?

39
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,327
[engine revving]

40
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:54,157
Oh, hell yeah!
Hell no!

41
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:56,942
What?

42
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,988
We not being
supportive anymore?

43
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,250
Well, in that case,

44
00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:02,774
the preacher in your
zombie show dies.

45
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,430
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

46
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:07,301
♪ Welcome to the hood.

47
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,350
You bought a motorcycle?

48
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,396
What the hell were you thinking?

49
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:16,571
Yeah, Malcolm.

50
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:19,400
Oh, you got
the chrome exhaust on it.

51
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,531
Malcolm, you said

52
00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,054
that you were gonna get
a used car.

53
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,709
I know, Ma. And
I was going to.

54
00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:25,928
But then I saw this.

55
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:28,278
And I realized this
face is too sexy

56
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,628
to be hiding
behind a windshield.

57
00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:34,937
You are taking that back
this instant. Right, Calvin?

58
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:38,158
Huh? What?

59
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:40,769
Look,

60
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,032
I'm sorry, Ma, but I'm
not taking it back.

61
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:45,469
[scoffs]
Excuse me?

62
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,558
Did you already crash?

63
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,170
'Cause I think
you got brain damage.

64
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,868
Ma, I paid for this
with my own money,

65
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,957
and it's my decision, not yours.CALVIN:
Whoa, whoa.

66
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,003
Malcolm, come on. Don't talk
to your mother like that.

67
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,266
Now, you're taking it back.

68
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,572
But before you do,
let me sit on it.

69
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,705
Calvin, don't you dare.

70
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,576
Come on, Tina.

71
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,970
You got to admit,
it's pretty cool.

72
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,015
What is it with men
and motorcycles?

73
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,713
Anybody with half a brain

74
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:14,585
knows that there is nothing cool
about them.

75
00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:16,196
Whoa!

76
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,154
That is so cool.

77
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,290
What'd I do?

78
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,726
I'll tell you what you did.

79
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,076
You gave me a chance
to sit on this bad boy.

80
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,992
All right, well,
let me get on behind you, then.

81
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,734
Whoa! Whoa!Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

82
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,478
[exhales]Oh, hey. Where were you?

83
00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:40,394
Over at Tina's trying
to calm her down.

84
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:42,396
[exhales]
How'd it go?

85
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,354
I thought a glass
of wine might help,

86
00:03:44,398 --> 00:03:45,442
but then she finished
the bottle,

87
00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,531
and it went the other way.

88
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,491
You know,
I know it's dangerous,

89
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:53,189
but that bike is so cool.[chuckles]

90
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,236
Remember when you used
to pick me up on yours?

91
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:59,108
It was so exciting.
Racing around town,

92
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,676
zigzagging through traffic.

93
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,548
Yeah. I miss that Vespa.

94
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,771
We used to do so many
crazy things like that.

95
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,513
Remember when we went
skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan?

96
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:14,515
Oh, I sure do. That was
the summer I learned

97
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:16,734
that catfish can bite.[chuckles]

98
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:20,434
Wow. That all feels like
a million years ago.

99
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,262
Yeah.

100
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,089
What happened
to those people?

101
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,614
Well, one of us
went to the ER.

102
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:32,576
Gemma, is it possible
that we've gotten boring?

103
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,448
What?! No.

104
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:37,146
We went to a party
just last weekend.Gemma,

105
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:39,801
we were chaperones
at Grover's school dance.

106
00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:42,325
Yeah, and thanks to us,

107
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,632
now they all know
the Cabbage Patch.

108
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,246
I'm serious.

109
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,074
You know,
we haven't done anything crazy

110
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,336
in the longest time.

111
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,207
We're as lame
as that fifth grader

112
00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:57,514
who got pantsed
on the dance floor.

113
00:04:58,341 --> 00:05:00,300
Well, what are we
supposed to do?

114
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,389
We're parents now.
We have responsibilities.

115
00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:04,782
Well, actually,
tonight, we don't.

116
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,828
You know, Grover's
at a sleepover.

117
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,221
We can do whatever we want.

118
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,397
Like what?

119
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,268
I don't know. Like...

120
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,835
go to Vegas.

121
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,098
[chuckles]:
Seriously?

122
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,404
Yeah. Why not?

123
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,102
Look, if we fly,
we can be there in an hour.

124
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,495
It would be fun

125
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,975
to party somewhere
that isn't a cafeteria.

126
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,934
Yeah. Yeah.

127
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,718
What do you say?

128
00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,241
Let's do it.

129
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:30,939
I'll go pack my stuff.
[laughs]All right.

130
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:34,116
You do that. 'Cause tonight,
the Johnsons are getting crazy!

131
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:35,639
[whoops]

132
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:38,642
Right after I check
our air miles.

133
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,867
Oh, hey, babe.
What's for dinner?

134
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:48,652
Dinner? My baby's out there
on a death machine,

135
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:51,655
and I'm sitting here helpless.
Who can think about dinner?

136
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,789
Well, off the top
of my head, me.

137
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,400
Calvin!

138
00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:00,795
I'm sorry, babe. Look, I know
that you're upset and scared,

139
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:04,146
and I want to be sensitive,
so...

140
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:06,278
I'll just order in.

141
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,324
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

142
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,499
What do you think you're doing?

143
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,849
Watching the game.Oh, no, you are not.

144
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:14,374
This stays off

145
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,680
so I can listen for sirens.

146
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:17,899
Tina, come on.

147
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:19,117
Sit down.
You're driving yourself crazy.

148
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,205
You need to relax.

149
00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:21,903
No, do not tell
me to relax.

150
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:25,036
None of this would've happened
if you had backed me up today.

151
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,342
Whoa, hold up, now.

152
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,257
Weren't you the one
that said

153
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,867
that Malcolm's
a grown man

154
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:32,522
and we need to let him
make his own decisions?

155
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:34,176
Yeah, but that was before I knew

156
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,439
he would make
such a dumbass decision.

157
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:40,008
Okay, babe, I know
where you're coming from.

158
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,488
I want him to be safe, too.

159
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:44,186
Then, Calvin, why aren't you
doing anything about it?

160
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:45,709
Well, what do you want me to do?

161
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,016
Put a boot on it?
Set it on fire?

162
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,626
Run over it with my truck?

163
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,411
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, all that.

164
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:54,109
[sighs]
Look, Tina,

165
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,589
I know that you're worried,

166
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:58,418
but the truth of the matter is
there's nothing we can do.

167
00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,854
It's out of our hands.

168
00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:02,683
You're right. It's
in God's hands.

169
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:04,859
Exactly.Get your keys. We're
going to church.

170
00:07:04,902 --> 00:07:06,513
What?Mm-hmm.

171
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:08,471
As long as Malcolm
is on that bike,

172
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:11,169
we're going there every day
to pray for his safety.

173
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,867
But why do we have to go
to the church?

174
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,912
God is like Wi-Fi.

175
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,523
He's everywhere.

176
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:21,049
Calvin, we're going.

177
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,964
Now, let me go
grab my Bible.

178
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:28,056
Well, the Rams
are a 12-point underdog.

179
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:30,319
I was gonna be praying anyway.

180
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,845
Here we go, our deluxe room

181
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:36,630
with a view of the Strip.GEMMA:
Oh,

182
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,545
thanks, Marco, but we didn't
come to look at the Strip.

183
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,591
We came to tear it up.

184
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,202
That's right.
The city that never sleeps

185
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,944
is about to get a wake-up call.

186
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:50,513
Okay. That's New York,
but I hear you.

187
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,602
Ooh! Uh, hey, Marco.

188
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,431
Where do the, uh,
young, fun people

189
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,085
like us

190
00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:58,521
do their thing?

191
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,523
Just no foam parties.

192
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:02,699
Uh, I-I rash easily.

193
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,833
Well, we do have three
nightclubs downstairs.

194
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:07,530
I'd be happy to
make a reservation

195
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,010
at any one of them for you.

196
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,272
[scoffs]
One of them?

197
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:12,448
Book all three,
and warn them

198
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,668
that the Johnsons
are in town.

199
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,758
Got it. The Johnsons
are in town.

200
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:18,889
No foam.

201
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:21,762
[chuckles]
Oh,

202
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,198
this is so exciting.

203
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:25,853
Well, it's about to get
more exciting, because...

204
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:27,681
look what I packed.

205
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,597
What is it?It's my bathing suit

206
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,555
from when
we went skinny-dipping.

207
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,385
And it still fits.[chuckles]

208
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:39,649
Oh, babe.

209
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,565
Okay. So, you ready
to hit the town?

210
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:45,133
Let me just freshen up first.
I want to be nice and clean

211
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,135
for when we get down and dirty.

212
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:49,616
Oh, we're gonna
get down and dirty.

213
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,053
Just like when we fell
in that puddle on my Vespa.

214
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,146
ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned

215
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,149
as the Forensic Mysteries
marathon continues.

216
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,585
[ominous sting plays]

217
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:06,110
Ooh! Ooh, I love
Forensic Mysteries.

218
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,372
The host is so cheesy.

219
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,853
"When the DNA results arrived,

220
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:14,423
it was curtains
for the interior designer."

221
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,383
I love it how he always steps
out of the shadows

222
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,689
to tell us the surprise twist.

223
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,256
I never see it coming.

224
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:22,736
The twist or the host.

225
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:26,043
Well, it's still early.
Let's just watch one episode

226
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,219
before we go.Oh, yeah, sure.
We have plenty of time.

227
00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:30,918
[ominous sting plays]

228
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:34,661
He gets me every time.

229
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:41,363
Oh, hang on there, Malcolm.
I want to ask you something.

230
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,234
Look, I already
told you, Pop.

231
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:46,107
I'm not taking any more pictures
of you on the bike.

232
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:49,893
Son, I know you love this bike,

233
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,940
but you riding it around
is worrying your mother sick.

234
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:55,725
[sighs] I know, Pop. But
come on, man, you get it.

235
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,771
Can't you just go in
there and talk to her?

236
00:09:57,814 --> 00:10:00,034
I tried,
but you know your mother.

237
00:10:00,077 --> 00:10:02,732
Once she makes up her mind
about something, that's it.

238
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,778
How do you think we got Marty?

239
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,607
All right, well,

240
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,652
just tell her not
to worry, okay?

241
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,611
And I promise you,
I'll be safe.

242
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:14,309
Okay, look, Malcolm,
let's just go back down there

243
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,441
and get you a car
just as cool as the motorcycle.

244
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,879
If you put the windows down
and wear your helmet,

245
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,621
you'll barely notice
the difference.

246
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,275
So, instead of a motorcycle,

247
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:27,670
you want me to drive a used car
while wearing a helmet?

248
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:30,325
You can't tell me
that won't turn heads.

249
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:34,764
Look, I'm sorry, Pop, but this
is what I want, all right?

250
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:37,288
And if Mom can't deal with that,
then that's her problem.

251
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:41,379
Hmm. So, there's nothing
I can say to change your mind?

252
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,512
Nope.

253
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,471
Well, it's a good thing
I brought these.

254
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,475
Are those handcuffs?

255
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,912
They sure are.

256
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,131
Well, what the hell
are you doing with them?

257
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:56,307
Saving your ass.

258
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,048
But more importantly...

259
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,964
...I'm saving mine.

260
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,539
Come on, Pop.
Quit messing around.

261
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,803
Uncuff yourself from my bike.

262
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,980
I'm sorry, Malcolm,
but it's too dangerous.

263
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:20,592
If I got to go to church every
day, I might kill somebody.

264
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,726
So this is your genius
plan? You're gonna

265
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,989
stay out here until I agree
to get rid of the bike?

266
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:29,079
Well, my first idea was
to handcuff myself to you,

267
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,733
but then I realized,

268
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:34,258
that's more of a reward
for you than a punishment.

269
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,522
You know what? Okay, fine.

270
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:40,003
You want to play that game?
I'll just wait you out.

271
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,745
[chuckling]: Good luck,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.

272
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,529
Well, maybe not right now,

273
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:47,489
but at some point, you're
gonna have to use the bathroom.

274
00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,883
And when you do,
I'll be right there.

275
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,841
Not in the bathroom
with you, man.

276
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:54,235
On the bike, riding away.

277
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,020
Well, see, that's where
you're wrong.

278
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:59,719
I got a plan
for the bathroom, too.

279
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,591
Tina, bring me the jar!

280
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:13,515
HOST:
So when the lab results
traced the hair

281
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,822
back to the chef, it turned out

282
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:18,738
it was her goose
that was cooked.

283
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:21,044
[ominous sting plays]

284
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,698
ANNOUNCER:
And that concludes

285
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,744
our Forensic Mysteriesmarathon.

286
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,616
Stay tuned for
Rise and Shine Las Vegas.

287
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,879
[upbeat music playing]

288
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,752
Ge-Gemma, wake up!

289
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:36,233
Five more minutes. I'm dreaming
about us skinny-dipping.

290
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:38,366
For some reason,
there's a goose there.

291
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:42,283
No. Gemma, you got to wake up.
We fell asleep.

292
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,675
Huh? What?

293
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:47,114
It's morning.
We missed our wild night!

294
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,986
What?! We did?!

295
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,118
Yeah.

296
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,946
The only crazy thing
we did last night

297
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:55,383
was get ten amazing hours
of sleep.

298
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:59,300
You're right.
I feel totally rested.

299
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:00,997
This is terrible!

300
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:03,478
I can't believe
that we blew it.

301
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,523
We didn't go to the casino,
the club or the pool.

302
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:09,049
[groans]I packed my imaginary
bathing suit for nothing!

303
00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:11,486
Oh... Yeah.

304
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:15,272
I wanted to wake up ashamed,
but not like this.

305
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:20,843
I hate to say it, Gemma, but
we're officially boring people.

306
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,324
It turns out
our glory days are over.

307
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:26,631
Come on.
That's not true.

308
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,938
We have an amazing life.

309
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,636
Great friends,
good jobs,

310
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,987
the best kid ever.

311
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,686
If you ask me, it doesn't get
any more glorious than that.

312
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:43,605
I know. I just wish
we still had it in us

313
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:46,390
to go crazy every once
in a while.

314
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,784
And I'm not just talking
about blowing all our air miles

315
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,004
upgrading to Economy Plus.

316
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,923
Well, we still have three hours
before we fly home.

317
00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,316
So?

318
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,884
So why don't we do
something crazy right now?

319
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,538
You know what?[laughs]

320
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:04,974
You're right.

321
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:08,021
And I know exactly

322
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:10,197
how we're gonna do it.How?

323
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,677
We are gonna hit
the hotel minibar.Ooh!

324
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:15,680
Because what is wilder

325
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,465
than eating
an eight-dollar candy bar?

326
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:18,901
Oh.

327
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,468
I'll tell you what's wilder--

328
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,818
chasing it
with a bunch of tiny tequilas.

329
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,213
That's right.
Look out, Vegas,

330
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:29,303
'cause the Johnsons
are still in town![whoops]

331
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,175
[groans]

332
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,698
Nope. Those are bath beads.

333
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,962
Oh.

334
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,792
Here you go, baby.
I brought you a snack.

335
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,794
Oh.Anything else you need?

336
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:45,232
No, babe. I think I'm good.Ah.

337
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,891
Thanks again
for doing this, baby.

338
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:55,242
Sacrificing yourself
to protect our son.

339
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:59,420
Aw, you know me--
always putting myself last.

340
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:02,858
Hey, when you're done with
my neck, can you do my feet?

341
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:05,165
[groans]

342
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:06,470
Hey, guys.

343
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:07,907
I'll see you later.

344
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,430
Where are you going?

345
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:10,692
Oh, just for a little ride.

346
00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:14,217
[chuckling]Ride? On what?

347
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:17,917
Yeah. Did you borrow
Grover's wheelie shoes?

348
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,788
[laughing]

349
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:21,529
Oh, that's cute.
Y'all are funny.

350
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,271
[Tina laughs]Actually, I'm taking
your truck.

351
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,361
Say what now?

352
00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,885
Yeah, I figure
since you took my wheels,

353
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,756
I'm gonna take yours.

354
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,367
You can't take my truck.

355
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:36,239
Nobody takes my truck!

356
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,938
Don't do this, Malcolm.

357
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:41,549
Your father loves you,
but that truck is his baby.

358
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:44,944
Yeah, I know, Ma. It's like the
little brother I never drove.

359
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,992
I know you're not
gonna open that door.

360
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,082
Ooh. He opened the door.

361
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:55,911
Malcolm, I'm not playing
with you.

362
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,478
You better not
get behind that wheel!

363
00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:02,700
Ooh! He got
behind the wheel!

364
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:05,660
Yeah, well, that's okay.
That's as far as he's gonna get.

365
00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,750
She's got a tricky ignition.
He can't figure it out.

366
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:11,013
[engine starts]

367
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,450
Ooh! He figured it out!

368
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:16,105
Tina, would you stop
giving me play-by-play

369
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,499
and go stop him?!

370
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,069
I'm telling you, Malcolm, if
you crash your little brother,

371
00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:25,854
you best believe
I'm coming for you!

372
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,823
[imitating Elvis]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

373
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,912
please welcome
the Beer Chug Champion

374
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:42,914
of the Silver Sands
Motel and Casino...

375
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:46,396
...Gemma Johnson Presley.

376
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,359
Thank you. Thank you.

377
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:55,884
Thank you. And to all
the tired moms out there,

378
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:59,018
if you can dream it,
you can drink it.

379
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,197
Oh, wow.

380
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,155
I got to hand it to us.

381
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:08,288
That was the craziest
morning of my life.

382
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,768
I can't believe we hit all three
of those nightclubs.

383
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:14,381
Yeah. Although it would have
been more fun if they were open.

384
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:18,602
I guess for an old,
boring couple,

385
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:20,517
we still know how to party.

386
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,954
We sure do. [laughs]

387
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:27,220
Mmm. Gin and Gatorade.

388
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:32,007
Well, the good news is
I don't have to worry

389
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,488
about you dying
on that motorcycle anymore,

390
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:37,099
because your father
is gonna kill you!

391
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,494
Oh, please. I am
not afraid of Pop.

392
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:44,672
But you think we have enough gas
to get to Mexico?

393
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,109
Malcolm, why are you being
so stubborn about this?

394
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,590
Can't you see we are just
trying to protect you?

395
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,983
And I appreciate that, Ma,
but I'm a grown man.

396
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,594
That is not your job anymore.

397
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:56,249
Oh, really? When did I get fired
from being your mother?

398
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,077
I am not firing
you, okay?

399
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,643
I'm just kind of...

400
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,645
reducing your hours.

401
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,388
Look, Ma, I know
you think that's stupid,

402
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,608
but to me, this isn't
just about the bike.

403
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:08,783
Then what's it about?

404
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:10,698
It's about me being independent,

405
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,482
making my own choices.

406
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,616
Okay, I've been working and
saving up money for a long time.

407
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,270
I've earned this.

408
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:20,621
Just because you earned it
does not make it a good idea.

409
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,624
Well, maybe not, but it does
make it my call.

410
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,279
Still... you are my baby.

411
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,977
I know, Ma,
but I'm also my own man.

412
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,153
You understand that, right?

413
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:32,459
Of course I do.

414
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,113
Then instead of
fighting me on this,

415
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:37,246
I need you
to try being proud of me.

416
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:43,165
Fine. I'm never gonna like it,

417
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,647
but if it means that much
to you, I guess...

418
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,040
I just have to accept it.

419
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,391
Thank you, Ma.

420
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,524
[sighs]And I promise, I will
be careful, okay?

421
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,092
I won't be one of these
reckless idiots riding around

422
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,486
with no idea what they're doing.

423
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:02,271
[horn tooting, engine revving]

424
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,233
Malcolm, pull
over there!

425
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:10,366
And God help you if you
adjusted my seat, boy!

426
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,455
Pop, what the hell are you doing
on my bike?!

427
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:13,674
You're gonna kill yourself!

428
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,371
Relax. I've been
riding motorcycles

429
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:17,373
since before you were born.[tires screeching]

430
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:18,809
Oh!

431
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,202
[crashing]Calvin!

432
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:21,769
Ma, is he okay?

433
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,206
CALVIN:
Damn it! The next time
I swerve into your lane,

434
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,861
you better get out
of my way, fool!

435
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,080
Yeah, he's fine.Yeah.

436
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:40,527
Ooh, hey, Calvin.
You okay?

437
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:42,224
Yeah, Tina said you
got in an accident

438
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,095
on Malcolm's motorcycle.

439
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,316
Well, what all did she tell you?

440
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,406
Well, that was pretty much it.

441
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,235
Oh, okay.
So here's what happened.

442
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,542
I was cruising

443
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,457
down Franklin,
and this big rig--

444
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,328
it jackknifed right
in front of me.

445
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,851
And I... and I realized
there's no way

446
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,462
that I'm gonna get off
of this thing.

447
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,465
So... so I slid. I was like...
[imitates screeching]

448
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,336
And then I came out,
and there was some kids

449
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,903
in the crosswalk,
and I was like,

450
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:11,253
"Oh, Lord, look at these kids.
There's no way."

451
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:12,472
So I had to pop a wheelie,
like...

452
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,517
[imitates engine revving]

453
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,519
And then the kids,
they was like "Save me."

454
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:18,347
It was like, "Thank you,
mister." And I was like,

455
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:20,784
"Fine, kids. It's what I do."
You know?

456
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:23,483
There was a curb there,
and for whatever reason,

457
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,920
it was a family of ducks,
and I was like, "Aah!"

458
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,270
And that's when I hopped.
That's when I hit the curb,

459
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:31,404
and I was like,
"Hey, hey! There you go."

460
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,057
And everybody was safe, though.

461
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:34,755
The animals were cool,
and the kids were happy,

462
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,278
and I gave 'em money
for pizza.

463
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:39,368
Uh, but, uh, I don't like
to talk about it, man.

464
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:44,068
Wow.

465
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,419
Wow. Well, uh,

466
00:20:46,462 --> 00:20:48,769
we had a pretty wild
weekend, too.

467
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,597
Uh, Gemma swam
in a hotel fountain

468
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,382
and rode her suitcase
around a luggage carousel.

469
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:57,038
Only after Dave drank a
mini-fridge full of vodka

470
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:59,867
and chased it with half
a jar of bath beads.

471
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:02,957
Guys, if you're just gonna
make stuff up,

472
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,828
I'm gonna go inside.

473
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:12,009
Captioning sponsored by
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474
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:14,055
Captioned by
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