This programme contains strong language.
INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
How are you? You look nice. Happy Christmas, love.
You look gorgeous in your Christmas jumper.
Gwaaar! Go on to fuck!
I love your Christmas hat, it's gorgeous.
CLAMOURING
No, no!
CLAMOURING
Where's your proof of purchase, you fucking prick?!
Watch his fucking back, will you?
Happy fucking Christmas.
# Repeat, repeat, repeat Repeat the sound of joy
# Repeat, repeat # Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat
# The sound in joy. #
That was a load of bollocks!
Christmas is a time for giving, but when you've got fuck all,
it's also a time for taking.
Take it easy, you're getting pine needles all over the new carpet!
Would you stop going on about their new carpet?
But it's cream.
I'm taking off these plastic bags.
Not until we're outside.
HE GRUNTS
TREE PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROL
You had one job.
It's the perfect time for me and Jock to be doing house calls,
because there's a film being shot in the city and the whole of Cork
is off trying to get selfies with your man Robert Sheehan.
I'm going through a crowd of fans at the moment.
Yeah, they're really annoying.
SCREAMING
OK, I'm only going to do this once. You ready?
CHEERING
SCREAMING
SHE SOBS
Do you think you were the right actor to play this character,
seeing as you are not gay?
Oh, well, I am gay.
I'm gay for women, I think about women
in the same gay way that gay men think about...gays.
And you'll never guess who's been hired for security.
Stand back! Billy Murphy.
The film producers figured if he was working on set,
at least he wouldn't be breaking in.
I will fucking punch you. Get back!
All in all, it doesn't seem very Christmassy this year.
Might be something to do with our housing estate
being more like Armageddon.
It's been non-stop with protesters,
and half of them are only there to get on the telly.
It's been 30 days since the residents of what's been dubbed
the Real Capital of Cork - or Real COC for short -
barricaded themselves in their council estate,
creating their very own hard border.
The guards are struggling to keep control.
Only residents and food deliveries are allowed past the barricades.
Who ordered Szechuan duck and chicken balls?
That's me, that's me!
I paid by card.
Building repairs, me fucking hole!
The authorities offered the same upgrade to the housing estate over,
but once they got everyone out,
they demolished the lot of it.
That's not going to happen to us. These houses are perfectly fine.
KNOCK ON WINDOW
Mam, the weird smell's there again!
Is the canary still alive? Yeah.
Then stop worrying about it. Jesus.
Just cos some langer in City Hall thinks our houses
Aren't good enough for his safety standards.
CROWD AGREES
Like, what would them firemen be doing if they weren't
putting out our fires anyway? Ever think about that?
CROWD AGREES
SHE COUGHS
You OK? I'm fucking fine.
SHE COUGHS
EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST
Do you have a hanky, no?
Mam has a hard-on for everything Christmassy,
but she's always been too broke to get a real Christmas tree.
It's lovely.
# ..happy new year. #
What the fuck?
# We wish you a merry Christmas... #
Why three Christmas trees?
They say you can't get oil past the barricade.
We're going to line them up like the Christmas tree...
Christmas trees.
Ah! Fucking hell!
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
You can't do that.
Burning Christmas trees is like burning Christmas.
Did you get to the doctor?
What's he going to tell me that I don't already know?
Stuff about medicine.
Fuck that.
FLINT STRIKES REPEATEDLY
Fucking thing. Give me that fag.
Are you sure you should be smoking?
It'll help bring up the phlegm. That's true, actually.
Sure, when you walk around,
you always see people smoking and coughing.
SHE COUGHS
Mam!
Are you OK, Mam? Mam!
Everybody, get out the fucking way! NOW!
CLAMOUR
Only one of you can travel with her now, lads.
I never understood what an ambulance chaser was until now.
SIREN
SHE COUGHS
It says here she's doing phenomenal.
It says "pneumonia".
SHE COUGHS
Is she going to be OK?
It's not looking good.
The pneumonia has done severe damage to her lungs,
and the smoking hasn't helped.
We can't just stand round here and watch my mam getting more sick.
The most important thing is to help lift her spirits.
Being in hospital over Christmas is going to be really tough.
I'll pick us up something to eat, yeah?
Happy meal?
SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Mam, you need something to lift your spirits.
What would you like?
Yeah, we...
..we'll get you whatever you want.
SHE MUMBLES
Sorry, I didn't quite get that one.
I've never seen a white Christmas.
Hey.
Are you sure there's nothing else that might lift your spirits?
Like... A bike.
Aye.
We could get you a bike. Yeah.
Just whisper the make and model.
No.
Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas!
I fucking hate Christmas.
Who's all that crap for, anyway?
Conor and Jock. I bought presents for them?
We'll need to drop it off to their house on the way home. Not a hope.
Their estate's like a war zone.
OK, we'll walk.
Enda, did you bring your rape alarm? Yep.
Fine.
Don't worry about it.
I'll do everything I'm told, because it's not about me,
it's about my money for Christmas on people I don't even like.
That's what this is about.
I'll get you close. You can fuck the presents over the wall!
Barry, stop being a prick.
What?
You can't even get in.
I know a way.
You're going to break the fucking thing, Barry.
When you've got one dead parent, and another nearly dead parent
in the hospital, the last thing you need is optimism.
There's actually lots of successful orphans in the world.
Like Batman.
I'm not an orphan.
Well, what are you getting angry at me for?
I'm just trying to comfort you.
Superman. Stop it.
Harry Potter. Quit it.
God.
He's the ultimate orphan.
And very successful.
Hey! We could try praying to Him first, no?
The Lord God works in mysterious ways.
Lads, get a load of this fucking prick.
ON IPAD: Why did you choose to film in Cork city?
Well, we needed a lot of weird-looking background people,
and Cork has a lot to offer in this area.
Could you point that thing in a different direction, please?
Here. We'll give you the phone unlocking code
after you tow the snow machine to the hospital.
And how are you going to get it out of there?
That church is like Fort Knox since they started filming there.
We know this place better than we know our own dicks.
We break in to drink the altar wine.
And this time, we know a guy on the inside.
Explain it to me again.
It's a coin-toss competition.
Best of five.
If we win, you let us in and turn a blind eye.
What do I get if I win?
The knowledge that you won.
What more could you want than the winning feeling
of a coin-toss competition?
You'd be king of the tossers.
Are you fucking serious?
King of the fucking tossers.
Fuck off.
You can punch us.
What the fuck?
Do you want to help your mam or not?
Well, obviously, but I bruise like a fucking peach. Yeah,
but you know the only thing he gets a kick out of is inflicting pain.
Fuck's sake.
For every coin toss that you win,
you get to punch one of us.
Both of you.
That's the deal. Fine.
Has anyone got a coin?
I've a chocolate one.
Do you mind if it's British?
Heads.
Thank fuck!
My go.
HE LAUGHS
Tails.
HE LAUGHS
Arm. Leg.
It's vitally important now that you don't move,
because I don't want to hit you in the face.
OK?
Ooh! Ow!
That kind of stung.
Ooh!
All right?
I once tried to give up gambling, but I found it really difficult,
because even when you're not gambling... Argh!
..you're still KIND of gambling,
doing things that don't feel like gambling.
Do you know what I mean? Not really.
Like, I once battered this fella,
so I got sent away for a couple of months to Cork Prison.
But had I not stabbed him,
I could be a fucking dentist now or something.
I won again!
HE LAUGHS
It's my lucky day.
Oh!
Stomachs.
BOTH: Ooh!
THEY COUGH
HE LAUGHS
Whoo!
If I get this now, this is going to be three out of three.
Just flip the fucking thing, yeah?
All right. Relax.
Jesus!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
I win.
Fuck!
We need two people to replace those actors who got pissed over lunch.
Have any of you extras got acting experience?
Just get me two of the weirdest-looking fellas here.
Will they do? They're perfect.
EXTRAS GROAN
Right, you two, come with me.
BACKGROUND CHATTER
What the fuck? Fuck you!
FUCK!
GENERAL MOANING
Get the fuck out...!
The IFTAs will be BEGGING me to take an award after this.
Begging me on their hands and knees.
Excuse me, Mr Sheehan.
Don't talk to me.
I think he's acting.
HE INHALES
Are you acting? Shush, please.
Thank you.
Five minutes, everyone.
I took two sources of inspiration for this scene.
The original movie, Alien - "Argh, argh!" -
and this old Maltese lady who was having an asthma attack.
And she was making the most fascinating sounds.
Strange, like...
HE GASPS
That's where it comes... That's where the noise...
Wow. Yes, indeed it does.
Ah, you can hear the Maltese in that.
Yeah - thank you.
So good. Yeah, so good. Maltese.
You can hear it, like, yeah, it's Maltese. Yeah, yeah.
That's more just someone doing a lisp.
Yeah.
Any tips?
Tips?
Acting tips. It's our first time.
What do you mean, it's your first time?
OK, let's start it up, please!
Ah, ah, ah! Listen, whatever you do, do not look into the camera.
OK? Great. You'll be great. You'll be great. OK, great.
All set. 342, take one.
Argh!
And track.
HE GASPS
Action.
Argh! GUNSHOT AND GASPING
I fear this fight may be at its end.
Those soldiers may slash my flesh,
but God is my only judge.
HE GASPS
Promise me one thing.
You have our word.
You're looking straight into the camera.
Can we reset, please?
What did I just say?
Don't look at the camera.
And what did you do?
I looked at the camera.
Yeah.
Sorry, Mr Sheehan.
Those soldiers may slash my flesh but God -
God is my only judge.
You've missed your mark. You have our word.
You've missed your mark.
Your mark is here.
It's really, really simple.
Don't look at the camera, stay on your mark,
concentrate, yeah?
I really want to get it on this next one, lads, OK.
Go for it, boy. I've got a good feeling about this one, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
You have our word.
He's reading his lines off his fucking hand.
Promise me one thing.
HE BELCHES
Cut.
Those soldiers may have slashed my flesh, but...
Cut to FUCK!
Argh!
Argh...
God is my only judge!
HE GASPS
CONOR STIFLES A LAUGH
God is my only judge!
HE GASPS
STIFLED LAUGHTER
Sorry, boy, sorry, boy. We've got this, we've got this. Right.
Use a prop - use it.
God is my only judge.
HE GASPS
LAUGHTER
STIFLED LAUGHTER
I'm never going to get this out.
HE GROANS
CONOR AND JOCK LAUGH
Can we please just get a bit of professionalism around here?
Aww...!
Take 57.
I heard Robert Pacino say once that great performances
come out of pain and suffering.
I'd like to think we had something to do with helping Mr Sheehan
get to that place.
Promise me one thing.
You have our word.
Find my mother.
Tell her...
Tell her how deeply sorry I am
for leaving her in her time of need.
HE GROANS
And cut.
Ohhh! Thank fuck for that!
Get out of my way, you two amateurs.
Argh!
Hey, hey. We're coming. We're coming.
Just back it up to the gate.
HE GROANS
All right, Billy.
Heads or tails?
Heads.
HE GROANS
Fuck this!
Over here.
I'm sorry about this, lads, but I take my job very seriously.
THEY GROAN
THEY COUGH
What would you be doing with a snow machine, anyway?
You can't sell snow.
It melts.
It's just my mam's not well.
And the doctor's saying she might not make it.
You see, she's always wanted to see a white Christmas.
We were just trying to do something for her.
You know what?
I was really sick in hospital once.
The only thing I wanted was for someone to sit with me
so I wouldn't be alone.
But no-one came.
Who's sitting with your mum right now?
No-one.
Lads, get the fuck out of here
before I kick the living shit out of you again.
Thanks, Billy. Thanks, Billy.
And tell your mam I was asking for her.
Yeah.
We tried our best, Mam, but...
What an awful Christmas!
Don't worry about it.
The traffic is very bad.
Yeah.
I'll see you when I see you, all right?
Merry Christmas, son.
Merry Christmas, boy.
I think for every time one of us has a nice Christmas,
someone else out there is having a shit one.
Hiya. Hello.
Hey, just thought we'd come over and say hi.
I'm Conor, this is Jack. Conor.
Hello, Jack. I'm Francie. Thanks for calling over.
Pleased to meet you, boy. I like your eyebrows, kid.
Oh, yeah? Have you got a razor? I could do yours for you.
Go away. You're joking me.
THEY LAUGH
Do you want...? What would I be like with one of them?
KNOCK AT DOOR
A hospital is the one place
where a stranger will never tell you to fuck off.
Ssh, ssh!
Good morning, doctor.
SHE LAUGHS
They'll all be happy to see you.
THEY LAUGH
You can even go up and hug someone you never met before
and they'll be grateful for it.
HE SOBS
Bang. Boom.
An old handshake or even a pat on the back in person
will mean more than getting some shitty gift in the post.
Stay still. Am I plucked?
THEY CHEER
And doing something that might only take a minute out of your day
could last a lifetime in the memory of someone else.
ALL: Santa is a fanny!
Get away from me. You need to get back into bed.
Get off me. Mairead, listen.
Whoa! Whoa!
Get back.
I'll fucking do it.
Oh! Aww, Jesus!
Sorry. What's going on? I want to go home.
She needs full-time medical supervision.
Argh!
Everyone.
Let's be civilised.
Look, you might know about sickness, you might know about medicine -
but I know my mam, and she wants to be home for Christmas,
and that's where she needs to be.
I don't even know who owns this.
HUBBUB
Right, come on, then.
What's she doing out of hospital?
Nice to fucking see you, too. Come on.
Can we get some help here, please, lads? Sick mammy coming through!
Mothers spend their whole lives looking after other people,
so when one of them gets sick, everyone knows it's time
to put their differences aside.
Could you stop here for a second, please?
One second.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Driver, can you get us to the other side of that barricade?
Not a bother, boy.
Are you still there?
Yeah. I think I just figured out our publicity campaign.
Driver, chop-chop.
It's been two hours.
We're never getting out of this war zone of a housing estate.
I told you not to come this way.
Concentrate. Stop. Brake, brake, brake!
Oh, that's great. He'll gallop off now and tell everyone we're here.
In our neighbourhood, the riot police usually only turn up
at good birthday parties.
SHOUTING
'Reinforcements are being sent in to help the Gardai
'dismantle the barricades.'
Everyone, let's do this peacefully.
We're all people of Cork here.
You can take our land,
but you'll never take our FREEDOM!
Come on!
Aw - for fuck's sake!
'The actor Robert Sheehan
'has come to show his support for the Real Capital of Cork,
'and it appears he has watched Braveheart one too many times.'
CHEERING
Long live the Real fucking Capital of Cork!
I'm not fucking going anywhere. This is my fucking home.
Fuck off, you fucking liar. Get your fucking hands off me!
Fucking hell! Get your fucking hands off me!
Get your fucking hands off my sister. She's dyslexic!
Right, which house is theirs? And let's get the fuck out of here!
It's that one there.
Jesus Christ!
Right, whoever did that, you own up straightway
or I'm calling the Gardai.
Mentioning the Gardai is one idiotic thing to do
with this shit going on around the corner.
HUBBUB
OK. Which one of you was it?
Get back in the fucking car.
Get back in the fucking car, Bobby.
There's only one tree left.
How about we burn the kitchen chairs instead?
MAIREAD COUGHS
COUGHING CONTINUES
Keep calm.
I am friends with a guard.
Dad, don't fucking say that!
SCREAMING
SHOUTING
Oh, fucking hell!
SHOUTING
Ah, no, no! No, no, no!
Fuck! Dad, do something!
He's not rain, Barry!
COUGHING
GASPING
She's having a seizure.
Quick, just get something for her mouth. To eat?
No, like a wooden spoon or something.
That won't help - you just need to wait for it to pass.
It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.
SHOUTING
Go home, everybody, go home.
This is our home.
You, you fucking prick!
SHOUTING
GASPING Mam, can you hear me? Come on!
Mam.
Mam, come on, fuck that, come on, please.
SHOUTING
Everybody go home!
This is our home!
Mam? Wake up, Mam. Come on, please!
SHOUTING
Calm down! We're going to be all right.
Mam, wake the fuck up, will you?
I think you only realise how important hope is
when it's taken away.
HUBBUB
Without hope, a community can be torn to shit.
But if you gives someone hope...
..even just the tiniest bit...
GASPS
COUGHS AND RETCHES
I'm just doing my job!
Stop it! Stop it!
Mam. What you looking at?
HUBBUB
CROWD QUIETENS
COUGHS
Give her some space, give her some space. You're OK.
Get away. It's OK, it's OK.
I'll give you space.
Girls, get back inside!
Orla!
It's snowing!
TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS
INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Happy Christmas, everyone.
Happy Christmas to you, too, Mister.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Maybe Christmas IS a time for giving.
Even when you've got fuck all.
Bah, humbug.